I was Conflicted About, Possibly, Being Bisexual...
I'm not sure when I first started having feelings for women. One day, I realized I was watching a woman at the cafe I frequent. I had noticed her many times before. She was quite attractive. It went from just recognizing her beauty, to being excited by it. I use to check out men all the time. Now, I found myself paying more attention to women. I use to think I wanted the strength of a man, but, now I was craving the softness of a woman.
I was raised in a very openminded, tolerant and accepting family. I have both an older brother and an aunt who are gay. Both of them with long time partners. My aunt, Molly and her lady, Sara, have a son, Will. Everyone is always made to feel welcome at our gatherings. The attitude I witnessed growing up, I extended to other people in my life. My best girl friend, in school, came out as gay. I stood by her. I've been acquainted with other people, including, a neighbor and some co-workers, men and women, who were also homosexual. Yet, I didn't know anyone who was bi or, at least, no one referred to themselves as such. For some reason, even being surrounded by so many, non-judgemental people, I was conflicted about, possibly, being bisexual.
There was guilt attached to it. Even though I hadn't even been with a woman yet. Ok, I admit, after I became aware of how I enjoyed looking at women, I did start to flirt. Maybe not overtly. Not knowing who might be receptive. I did compliment a bit more and was more affectionate. If I was rather ashamed over these, innocent remarks and actions, then, how would I be if I actually went out on a date with another woman?
It was silly feeling this way. No one, in my life, I was close to, would have an issue with it. Why was I? Perhaps, because, of the general attitude about bisexuals. That we were promiscuous, for example. Not having been with a woman, I didn't know if it would be, primarily, physical or if I wanted more. If I just wanted to have a fling, that shouldn't matter to anyone but me and her. I still couldn't get that nagging voice to completely go away.
One of the worst times for negativity was when I was pleasuring myself. I'd be thoroughly absorbed in looking at or reading something erotic. Or, fantasizing about a woman I had recently seen. As I touched myself, with fingers or toys and felt the arousal build, trembling and twitching, I was caught up in the desire. Then, after I orgasmed and the excitement subsided, I was wracked with bad feelings.
That didn't stop me from looking and wondering. At this point, I don't know if I'm just curious or fully bisexual. I realize I don't have to have experience. If I know myself well enough and understand my feelings, then, I should be able to figure out if I'm bi. I also know I need to work through this confusion and learn to be ok with who I am or might be. If I have such a great support system, It doesn't seem as if I should have this trouble within myself.
Apparently, I'm not the only one. Instead of, wandering around in the dark, by myself, I decided it might be a good idea to find others who are going through something similar. I searched and for some reason, there aren't as many sites about this situation as you'd think there would be. After checking out a few places and being disappointed, I finally found a forum of likeminded women. We can talk about anything under the sun, including, relationships and sex. There are many women on there who are married or involved with men. Which, to my mind, would cause even more problems. Some of them are dealing with the same emotions as I am. Others seem to have a handle on it. There is so much to learn. It's a great place for friendship and support and I'm thankful to have stumbled upon it. Now I must go and get my daily fix with the other bisexual women on Shybi.