I Remember the First Girl I had a Crush On...

I'm 43 and I remember the first girl I had a crush on. Tammy S. She was a year ahead of me in school. We were friends. I can't honestly remember what it was about her that I found appealing. I'm guessing if I knew her today, I might not find her attractive. As our ideas and interests often change and evolve over time. The thing is, it wasn't so much I desired her physically. It was really more of an emotional response. I'd be around her and get this fluttery feeling. The way I did with boys.

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Of course, with them I was checking them out as well. I didn't pay attention to girls the same way I did boys. Other than Tammy, I also would get a little thrill when I saw or especially was around, Jenny M and Jenny C. In fact, with Jenny C I wanted to hold her hand and be her boyfriend. That was the extent of being intimate. I don't believe I even considered kissing. Though over the years I've discovered it's something I enjoy very much and now, definitely. Imagine the soft, sensual lips of a woman pressing up against my mouth. I experienced that for a while and will detail that at another time.

Shy eyes

I really didn't understand or recognize what those feelings meant. I only knew gay and straight. Bisexuality was not something which was referred to. A few years later, when I was in high school, bisexuality was mentioned. I'm not sure how it was brought up. It was during the time that George Michael (RIP) and Elton John were stating they were bi. I don't remember any famous women opening up about it. For awhile, I considered myself as being bi. I had another crush during that period. Lisa P. This girl was not at all pretty. She was smart. Something I appreciate in both genders. Her personality left alot to be desired. I'm really not sure what intrigued me about her. Even at the time, I wondered. We had English together. She sat next to me. All I know is, I got that excited sensation when I was near her. Still not a sexual response. That type of reaction came later. Though, not with any of my female classmates.

I'm trying to pinpoint what it was about them that drew me in.

In my teens I had a few crushes on girls and then those feelings stopped as quickly as they had begun. As I'm writing this, I'm trying to pinpoint what it was about them that drew me in. I really can't put my finger on it. Truth be told though, I believed that to be when my curiosity was blossoming. Considering now, perhaps, if I look back even further, it may have been even earlier.

As many people were, I was raised that homosexuality was wrong. Of course for me it was more about, hating the sin and not the sinner. Which, helped me to be more tolerant, openminded and accepting. As the years progressed, I developed those attributes even more. In my early 20's, I read an article, that, many teens had same gender crushes. It was quite natural and normal. However, it usually turned out to be a phase. I was relieved to learn that. I can't say I was necessarily ashamed or guilty regarding my feelings for women, but, I was glad to know it was common. It's been 30+ years and I'm still fascinated by the feminine persausion. Obviously, not just a phase. In my case, anyway.

It went from the mere crushes of my younger days being only emotional, to lusting after the ladies.

It probably wasn't long after that, I started to see women in a whole different light. It went from the mere crushes of my younger days, being only emotional to lusting after the ladies. I was seeing a guy (who turned out to be my worst relationship), who had a penchant for porn. You're probably thinking, what man doesn't. That may be true, but some seem to have a preference for it over the real thing or like to compare the woman they're with to those images. He was both of those. Because he had an adult mag stash, I looked through it as well. I'm not sure which body was the first one to trigger me. All I know is, curves, especially, juicy booties, soon became my weakness and continues to this day.

There is more to share, of course. Some of it will be rather explicit. Mostly, I'm interested in being in a relationship with a woman. Whether they're bi, les or trans. When it coms to sex, well, I must admit, I can often be like a man. I revel in it in all it's various flavors. Every bi woman goes through this differently. This is my personal journey with it.

To be continued