Our community blogs
.so lately I have been doing a lot of thinking and one thing I am realizing is that in order to be myself and embrace all of me, I need to be accepting of my sexuality and not expect others to accept it...this is all because i have started reading the warrior goddess training book and applying it like someone would a bible study. It's because of this that i need to explore my bi side and let it develop into what it will...for me that means posting here more, liking things i like and starting a bisexual album on instagram.
On another note, the other night my mom and i were talking about a game we play and she was telling me about an lgbt group the game has and that had not happened and may seen small, but i think we are moving in the right direction...its like i start working on accepting myself more and other little things pop up ..
- Read more...
- 0 comments
Hormones are driving me mad, I am sure this is why my mood keeps changing from happy to tearful. At 36yrs old I don't think it's the change, well I hope it's not.
Dh is so supportive and has noticed the changes, my sexy drive is back, I'm more cuddly as he put it.
I think I need to do other things other than family stuff and work. Like going out with friends or meeting up with other groups that have the same interests.
- Read more...
- 0 comments
A trailer for the upcoming movie (Fall 2017) Professor Marston and The Wonder Women has been released and it looks like it will deal honestly with the polyamorous lifestyle of Marston, his wife Elizabeth and their shared partner Olive Byrne who together were the creators of Wonder Woman. Even by today's liberal standards their family arrangement was quite radical.
I wonder if/how the release of this movie, so soon after Gal Godot's very successful Wonder Woman, will have an impact on the public's perception of Wonder Woman as a beloved icon and hero for girls and women. If it is well received it might be an event that starts larger discussion in society about polyamoury and female bisexuality.
The trailer looks great and I'm really looking forward to seeing it!
It's the weirdest thing, but I don't cry when I'm sober.
Like...at all. Even when loved ones die. At least not genuinely.
I recognize that crying is a normal expression of emotion, but fuck if I'm subconsciously willing to do it without a few good slugs in me.
I just spent two hours with my eyes leaking. I don't know why I felt the compulsion to do it, but for whatever reason, I drank myself to a point where tears could flow freely. Now the head hurts a little, but the soul feels a little lighter.
There's nothing to talk about. No grand declaration of sorrow or stress.
I woke up feeling anxious. Worked all day with a feeling of anxiety. Came home, had several drinks, cried my eyes out at made up sob scenarios in my mind. Now I feel better.
Am I gonna talk it out with someone? Fuck no. Keep a stiff upper lip, soldier on, and never let them see you cry. Just cuz it's normal and natural, doesn't mean you have to shed that stone cold reputation.
Life sucks, Silo. Get right the fuck over it, and make it better, even if it kills you.
About a year ago I had an associate that made a snooty remark about how many photos I take of myself, my family, etc. "Live in the moment instead of behind a camera", they said. "You're missing out on life!", they proclaimed. All I could do was tilt my head in disagreement. So many people assume narcissism behind everyone that takes a lot of selfies/photos or something of that nature. If only it could be something so selfish and unimportant as that for me. Photos can become the only lifeline you have left between yourself and a family member with alzheimers/dementia and unfortunately I've had to learn that fact over and over. My great grandmother passed not having any clue as to who I was and since all photos we had of my childhood to age 11 were destroyed, I had no lifeline to try helping her connect the dots. The woman that would sit with me and sing songs in her native tongue then translate them in English had forgotten my very existence. I began taking a camera every where I went after her passing but still did not know just how important that would be later in life until my grandmother developed alzheimers as well. It was slow in progressing until she fell and broke her neck. The doctors prescribed her so many different medications(many wrong ones) and put her on oxygen in too low of a level which not only sped her progression up but it also cause hallucinations. The last year of her life was a battle of forgetting and minimal days of clarity but if not for the many photos I had taken of us together and of her with my first son, she would have passed away not knowing who anyone was. The great grandson's existence she was so smitten with would have been completely wiped. Our special Halloween dates would never had existed. The bowling trips we took with her brother, erased. People say that memories are eternal but that is a fairy tale lie. You cannot stop your brain from misplacing them but you can try your best to keep something that brings it back to the surface.
I've come across many people who think the same way as that associate did and if anyone here has similar thoughts, I hope you consider what I have said before passing judgement or opening your mouth.
This emotion has been plaguing me for years off and on. For some reason, all of a sudden it's rearing it's ugly little dumb meanie head. I feel so lonely in a room full of people, at home with my family etc. I am not sure what to do about it, I know the reason I am lonely, I think I do anyway, the secrecy of who I really am, not being able to live my life as myself, the burden of being the saint in the family the one who holds everyone together, this role as made me very tired of trying to be perfect for everyone else, I am sick of it quite frankly. I am sure many reading this can relate, always putting other people's needs first, making decisions based on other people's feelings, the list goes on and on. The time is coming very near where I will reach my breaking point and hopefully it won't be to bad for the folks in my life, or it might?? LOL I am not sure yet. Normally a very level person, but everyone is human and have their own individual breaking point, I am close to reaching mine. So if you hear of an explosion of some sort of a mysterious kind in the world, it may just me reaching the point of my break LOL.
I am very thankful for this site and forum's like this one, being able to release some of what is inside me that I have not dared to breathe, its been an awakening of sorts for me. I for the longest time though, I was the only woman in the world who had feelings like these, I felt like I was going absolutely Cray Cray LOL... its so refreshing to know that I am not alone in how I feel and I am normal. Of course definition of normal can vary from person to person, but for the most part I am a normal woman who just happens to think other women are extraordinary in every way. That what I feel and have felt has been felt by many many women before me and many many more after me.
I am feeling better already as I type this, I think who ever said, writing down your feelings is therapeutic was a genius. I think that is all Ii have right now until next time I thank you for reading this rambling...
Life is strange and unexpected.When you think you can just relax,just for a little,the Universe decides to remind you that you deserve only what you have.
I came here in search of what, i really don't know.I don't interact very much in general and i found shy one night and thought it would be another one that i will read few topics keep what i want and my anonymity and then i'll forget about it.
I already knew i liked women and was in the process of admiting it to myself and was trying to figure out what I wanted to do about it.I started reading and felt safe here so i did a first for me and wrote an introduction in the welcome forum,another first was my pic and my about me!
Anyway,i didn't come here in search of answers and certainly i wasn't looking for connections,i was and still am afraid of them!
I saw her name written in the members and it was the first time in my life that i felt something not"normal".Her name made an impression on me and i started looking when she would be online.I had just started being a little more confident and was teasing around shy and she is a big flirt so we exchanged some light teasing and so she sent me a pm.We started talking and opening to each other really fast but i couldn't help it.I had started feeling a pull towards her.It was like she was a magnet and i could feel her pulling me!I never thought this was something possible and I was surprised at first but in time and as I was realizing things I started to understand more.
What was happening was fast for her too because she is very private but i wasn't thinking,i was very open to her and i normally am not with anyone.After some time and few misunderstandings we stopped talking here.It was the first time I felt anger for myself for being stupid and opening up and I wanted to leave shy.She returned before I do that and I let her explain why she stopped.After that we went on talking on an app and exchanged numbers.This is something i don't do and i did it only with very few shy members.
So we started talking on an app and one sunday morning out of nowhere i woke up and felt something like bubbles in my chest!It was surprisingly pleasant and i also knew it was her i was feeling and that she was happy!IEvery time i was feeling her i magically knew it was her I had become pretty familiar with her energy even from so far something that still amazes me!I messaged her and asked her what she was doing and she was out having some fun with friends.From that day i started feeling her emotions.And i knew it was her.At the beginning i couldn't separate if it was mine or hers but i had become better in time and i knew when it was her emotions later.
I could feel her emotions about a person she was telling me or about a situation that had happened and i could feel how she was feeling the moment she was telling me.I was telling her what i was receiving and she was telling me if i was right and usually I was.Sometimes under the clear emotion she was having there was another one hidden about the situation we were talking about.Different one.We both did a lot of self search and progress.I started feeling her when we weren't talking too,i felt an anxiety and fear about something that happened in a day in her life and it was so extreme that I couldn't stay still while it was happening,i felt the love for her mother,i knew when she was waking up or when she was sleeping,it was like a part of me was coming alive at that moment,it was an incredible experience!Of course every day isn't the same and I couldn't feel every day .
She was telling me to open myself and feel love but i was afraid of getting hurt and i remember one day she told me what is the worse that will happen?Let the love fill you!And i did,i was thinking one day why it was happening now at this time of my life,i was trying to search why it was happening and how and what am i,and this made me go through some very dark moments of course.But that afternoon i made a realization.That i was in love with her and i couldn't deny it anymore.Me who was all my life careful with the people I let in,who had grown up in a strictly religious society and hearing all the time to not trust strangers.I tried to overcome everything I knew and believed.I let love flood me everywhere and i knew that i could love her without restrictions and expectations!!I knew that i could feel love for everything!
We spent hours talking and trying to understand everything.She was trying to understand how it was for me and i was trying to explain it and this helped me a lot!I realized a lot of things and learnt more myself and a little how we humans are.How unique and complicated in our apparent simplicity.How connected we are if we allow ourselves to "see" and feel and how we are deep inside us under this exterior.
when our friendship went to a next level in a pretty amazing way we started opening up more and we had some amazing experiences energy wise! ;) This didn't last long because she dissapeared without an explanation and I am crazy about why's and stability.I can't stand assuming.I couldn't understand what was going on at first and why she just stopped talking and i spent days in bed feeling for two!
I could still feel her.I could feel her wanting and rejecting.Fighting herself and me!I could feel another human from miles away,rejecting me and i had to fight both my sadness and sorrow and hers and pretend that everything is ok because I have a life with a husband and a kid to live.I was wondering every day why.Those whys that where inside me since the beginning!
Why this happened in this specific time in my life,why I could "feel"another human being like myself,why the hell I opened myself so much and allowed someone to be a part of my life,even calling is hard for me because it shows intimacy sort of and allowing someone I've never met to talk to me on the phone was and is a big step.But as everything in life I see this as a lesson.It had to be done and despite all the hurt I felt I am grateful for her because she was the trigger for the beginning of something wonderful in me.
This is something only one member knows because she was the one that helped me go through this!With her amazing calm energy and her incredible self!
That amazing woman was there for me every single day! She found me the right moment,I had decided to leave from online, not only shy but everything including my phone. She was there listening and trying to help me.And she did with her calm strong energy.She knows everything with every detail and this helped me a lot too.Talking about something that can be perceived different from everyone.I needed to let them out and she was there,listened to everything on repeat for months,trying to be for me neutral and she let me be completely me,which is pretty crazy ;) because i am not like most people.But as I told her many times she is crazy too for tolerating my behavior
Slowly with her making patience and being my friend,my safe shelter,I managed to overcome whatever I was feeling.
Another connection started with her even more amazing and different but unique too.And it wasn't easy I admit because I had so many reservations and insecurities but she managed to cease them if not all most of them.Because she is that amazing!And I know I made mistakes with her but she is and will be in my heart and I'll be there for her in whatever form she wants me for as long as she want me.Of course my insecurities and my ego with her are still here and me being an over thinker doesn't help but I try
Part of the reason I am afraid of connections is this.I can't "feel"someone unless I have a connection and in order to have this I have to open up myself and let the other person in.When I decide to let someone in i consider them close to me,I don't share parts of my life and me and getting to know them and then suddenly they are over.I am pretty loyal I don't just open up and take it light!
And this blog entry is really something difficult for me because I give out part of myself and who I am!I really don't know for how long and if I'll let it here but for now it was something that I decided to let out
Recent EntriesLatest Entry
Last weekend was York LGBT Pride so I went along and helped out for a bit on the bi stall (if you can talk cheerfully and on-topic to strangers, the people who organise those stalls at Prides are always looking for volunteers!)
It was striking just how many bi people there were - lining up sometimes four people wide and three rows deep to take turns to sign up to email lists, take flyers and stickers and bi magazines and the like. I've run bi stalls in the past with hardly anyone showing interest so it was really heartening.
It was fairly busy at Bury Pride a few weeks ago too. I think the bisexuals are coming out of the woodwork more than ever before - it's heartening and I love going home from a Pride stall that we've had to close down because of running out of every single leaflet, pamphlet and so forth we had!
I have decided enough is enough.
If I'm not happy with myself or how my life is going, I need to stop moping about it and I need to change it.
I bought some new clothes today that aren't normally my style. Recently dyed my hair blonde and tonight I cut it and gave myself bangs, which I never do. I've been wearing make up more and damn, I just feel so much better about myself.
I'm a happier person dolling myself up, even if it's just for work or just for a few errands.
I feel so much better about myself, I have this new flood of confidence. I just feel so so good and it was such a little change.
Time for some of my recent thoughts so here goes nothing, lol. I find that it's getting harder and harder for me to be here and netty to be there. I have to be strong however and be patient. It won't always be like this and in a little over 700 days, I'll get to be with her and not have to ever part again.
It just feels like some days drag on and on and I just want to be home so I can at least see her and spend time with her. Just when I think I'm going to have enough money to get a ticket to fly over and see her for her birthday something comes up that I have to spend money on or my bills all come at once. I really would love to be able to see her for her birthday in October and maybe I will, who knows, time will tell.
I will miss my kids when I move, but they will all be grown up and no longer dependent on me for their support. My youngest has been gone for two weeks spending time with her cousins and her grandma. I have missed her, but at the same time it hasn't been difficult for me not having her here. My middle daughter lives with me, and that's been a challenge at times but she's finally got another good job and is making progress, so we'll see what happens. My son lives with a room mate and has a good job, but every once in a while he pops around to say hello.
The store I was working for closed down so in order to stay employed by the company I had to transfer to a different store and now I'm going to be driving at least 35 minutes one way to work. It's on the beach so that's a perk, but it will make for a very long drive home after working an 8 hour shift. Hopefully they'll build us a new store within the year so I won't have to commute for too terribly long. I still have my other job as well.
I'm so looking forward to seeing netty again next month and she'll have her daughter with her and I'm looking forward to spending time getting to know her better as well. This will be the second summer she's come with netty to visit me. I hope she has a good time and enjoys being here and seeing netty and I together and how we work together as a couple.
I'm coping well with things, but I can't imagine how much harder it must be for netty not having me there with her to help her with her daughter and to just be with her, she misses her dishwasher, aka me, lol. We obviously miss the intimate times and being able to hold each other and kiss each other, we love to kiss, lol among other things that goes without saying. We meld together well and have a very deep connection on every level, and that's rare to find, but thanks to this web site, we found each other, and for that I am truly thankful.
Well because I'm now a daytime working girl by the time 10pm rolls around I'm exhausted and ready for bed. However when I have about 5 days off I'll probably slip back into my night owl tendencies, lol.
Guess that's about it for this rambling, please leave you comments I enjoy getting feedback.
When I got home today my neighbor was grilling out. She has been a life long friend and of course she invited me over. After we eat and we are just sitting around talking the subject comes up about guys and what not. I just had this urge to tell her that I'm not really into guys anymore. As I'm sitting there, telling her how I met this girl at work and even though she doesn't like me back, it just opened my eyes to so many things. About how much I'm more content with who I am since I came to this realization and so on. Without missing a beat when I was done, she said "Good for you hun, you need to do what's right for you".
I continue on saying that I know that one of my sisters will be cool with it and the other, not so sure, but my mother is a different story. As stated, she is a life long friend and she knows my mom. In fact, both her and my mom are so much alike. Our stories can pretty much match right on. Anyways, she was telling me that I need to sit down with her (my mom), make boundries with her. Let her know if she goes over the boundries, this is what would happen. For instance, if she starts on me about how being with women is wrong in the bible and I need to realize that (what she says about my cousin who is gay, but never says it to his face), then I'll just get up and leave. It's what she has to do with her mom on different issues. This is going to be hard, but I need to do it. Not just on this subject, but several others. Especially all the negativity Mom throws around. I did tell my friend that when I do find someone, I'm not going to hide the relationship. If my mother can't handle it, then it's her loss. I need to live for myself and not others and my mother can't have her grip on me anymore.
She was also stating how I need to fill my life with positive reinforcements. That is when I told her I found an amazing website for people like me and there is so much positivity and support in this site and how I would be so lost without it. I'm sure I have already made lasting friendships here and only been here a few weeks. I just want to say thank you to everyone who has helped me so far. Some of my support I've gotten is just from reading the forums and the advice that was given to other ladies.
So I have told 2 friends now. One I play WoW with and the other face-to-face. I'm debating on telling my sister this weekend, still not sure.
Is it bad to not want to help clients who can’t help themselves?
Is it bad to have a deep desire to want to go home but the only way home is via death?
But this is my home, for now. And I really dislike it in this moment.
FB pics of dogs being skinned alive. Animals chained, caged and tortured. Seal pups left to leave a bloody trail when they slither over to their mother without their fur. Monkeys caged at the dinner table and heads smashed so we can eat fresh monkey brains.
We are the sick bas*ards and I want to go home.
A longing to see old souls that you connected with in this lifetime and wishing they were still around, partly thinking lucky them and partly thinking why them since they were the good ones.
Is it bad to want to shut down and shut the world out? Is it?
The amount of cruelty, bigotry and greed.
Mother Earth crying out to be saved, dirty waterways, piles of plastic and rubbish.
Let’s fill up our pockets with man made crap called money, so we can buy more man made crap.
The banks hanging us by the balls.
Will we ever learn to save ourselves when we let the world around us crumble?
Its okay we have outer space to screw up. No. Wait. There is already too much junk up there floating about. Managed to ruin that too!
Love, lust, greed, hate… I think we have left it too late.
Is it bad to want to shut down and shut the world out? Is it?
Here we are, the end of May. A time I am usually very excited for. My birthday, the beginning of gardening season, this year we talked about moving, and the weather is so nice!
This May holds difference significance for me, marked with awful experiences from these complete assholes next door, and waiting for test results, appointments, phone calls. It's all very nerve wracking. In the latest development the guy who lives there has decided that scaring me and watching us all the time isn't enough, now he has proven he'll go further by harassing a guest that came to my home. The chief of police has been involved, but for some reason everyone thinks it's just a matter of waiting them out, which leaves me hope. Last we knew, they were suppose to leave in June.The same thing was told to another neighbor by the landlord a few months ago. So based on all the information I have, I'm counting down the days until the end of June and I cannot wait to see a moving truck.
I'm not quite counting down the days until surgery since I don't have a date set. However after my final appointment with the dr last week it has been determined there is no need for an oncologist in the OR. She feels confident in proceeding and said she'd have someone call me with a date set this coming week. So no actual countdown happening, but we agreed she would try to schedule the surgery before June 30th, for insurance reasons. So I do have a ballpark countdown going in my head. While I am sometimes over come with emotions and find myself crying about the idea of surgery, at least it's just surgery and the problem is gone. It will be a few days in the hospital, and a few weeks at home without driving, maybe a full 8 weeks before I can return to work. But I am looking forward to being comfortable again. Right now there is constant discomfort and pain and I cannot be too active. Even something like riding a bike would be very painful.
So I feel like I'm in the final stretch and if I can just hold off this dark cloud for 1 more month, then I'll have some time at home this summer on recovery to charge back up. Once these neighbors are gone I can feel safe and comfortable in my home and yard. And after we've found a way to pay for the surgery I'll be able to keep myself busy with selling this house and finding a new one.
- Read more...
- 0 comments
The last few years have been a little tough to navigate through. With an empty nest to contemplate I knew that things had to change. Little did I know where those changes would lead.
The first changes I made were to begin to enjoy the relationship between myself and my DH more. Now we have more time to spend together i enjoyed every second of getting to know him a little more each day. I learned to be comfortable with just the two of us doing activities.
I still see a family with young children and pine for the days that I was just starting out with my family but it is a more comfortable place now than 2 years ago when I felt as though my right arm had been yanked off.
I went back to University to study my masters degree and only have 2 weeks of teaching left and then a dissertation and I will have a masters degree. Where I found the motivation to keep going I'm not really sure as it has been a hard year.
I feel now more at peace with my sexuality than I ever have. Lots of talking and thinking and overthinking and crying trying to make peace with myself has lead me to where I am now. I will say that every single tear and thought and discussion was absolutely worth it and I am happy. I am no longer pretending or trying to hide away desires from even myself. I am what I am and what I am needs no excuses - I finally understand the poignancy of these words!!
Do I have challenges - absolutely! Do I have things I need to work on - Yes. However I can see the path and journey needed now it is no longer crowded with clutter.
To top all this off I am moving in about 3 weeks to the other side of the country. A new job and a new life. New adventures.....I no longer feel I need to take over the world.....I just need to take over control of my world rather than just reacting to situations. I am now changing situations and am excited about everything the future has in store.
There is one lady in particular that I need to thank for her support every step of the way. She is the most patient, amazing, beautiful and inspirational woman I have known. She knows who she is although I'm not sure if she will see this. She has been there every step of the way with me through the journey over the last few years and she means more to me than she can possibly ever know.
Louis Icart (1888 - 1950) was a French painter who reached his peak of popularity in the late 1920s in Europe and America and his work was seen as synonymous with the Art Deco movement. He painted beautiful young women in sensual, erotic poses, sometimes with other women, often with an implication of same-sex sexuality. His women wore glamorous clothing and were often shown with exotic and beautiful animals - horses, cats, dogs and birds which suggested an intimate playfulness.
Forgive my sudden intrusion. Re-entry is what this is. I joined many years in the past and have rolled, tumbled and endured gushing wounds along this path to self-acceptance. I wanted... perhaps, even, needed that bright, shiny label. I was so eager to uncap the pink, purple and blue marker and spell my name on a white, fat sticker that I could fix above my heart: bisexual, here!
I have learned that it's not so simple. I remember when I joined and I look back on the confusion, the fear, the titillation, the joy in finding others like me. I remember leaning over and looking down straight into the depths of my own uncertainty and wondering if it would be right to jump. And I did. I fell through darkness and light. Happiness and misery. I fell again, and again and again and again. And when I landed, and spat shattered teeth into my palm, I swore it was over for me. I swore that I would never venture outside of the neat little fence I set up for myself around this hut of isolation. It's too much trouble, I said, My heart can't take it. And yet...
Sometimes I miss the connection. I miss having a reason to check my phone early... when the birds first chatter their sweet songs, accompanying the slow birth of the morning sun. I miss inside jokes, texted in the late afternoon. I miss pictures of self, taken for one, and one alone. I miss sending something that, when opened, would bloom a brilliant smile across a sweet face. I miss being wanted, desired. I miss the anticipation of heart-bursting ecstasy, signified by a lopsided red circle on a kitchen calendar. I miss sifting through a pile of sappy nicknames. I miss pinning the ultimate love song to her lapel and smiling, feeling my heart beat hard enough to vibrate my chest whenever I would hear it. I miss remembering every wonderful, stupid little detail about her. Like her favorite brand of perfume. Or the first time she heard her favorite band live. I miss breathing out warm passion and hearing it echoed back, in perfect sync. I miss all that, and more. Damn it. Sometimes, in small and large ways... I really want a girlfriend again.
I have been meaning to write a new blog for a while and update things a bit haha My life has changed in so many ways since I first found this site and most of it for the better. The most obvious reason being I found a girl and fell in love. I suppose I should start at the beginning.
I am from a very small rural community that is conservative to the core. Not settling down and having babies is just not how things are done here. Struggling with feeling attractions to girls wasn't the norm.
See I was rejected for years. Never got asked out. Never got hit on. Finally dated a few guys after high school and it wasn't much. It was then I met my first gf. I was so starved for affection and attention that it didn't matter what hell she put me through because it was better than the alternative. This went on for a couple years until something terrible happened to me (I do not wish to add details). It cost me my job/career, what social circle I had and nearly took my sanity. I was immediately put on antidepressants and a mild sedative. With what I'd experienced the doctors thought it best to protect me from myself that way. About 6 months later I made the choice to stop it. I was shell of myself and I hated it. For me feeling nothing at all was worse than feeling bad. Throughout this time my gf stayed with me but her behavior didn't change. It was only at that point I realized that it was a toxic relationship. That I was only hurting myself by holding onto someone like her. Someone who wanted to use me for money and stability but couldn't be bothered to be faithful or even say a kind word most days. So I ended it. After that I started to pull my life back together. A close friend of mine started to show a romantic interest. I knew she was bi and she knew about me. She listened and supported me. She helped me through difficult times and even dropped the L word. Turns out she only wanted me for my body. This all left me with a bad taste for relationships. At that point I wanted to be alone.
I found a job and moved nearly 800 miles away. I worked hard and played harder. I did things just for myself. I went on a vacation for the first time in my life. I went skydiving and zip lining. I ran obstacle races and went dancing til the clubs shut down. And I did it all without a relationship. I found a sense of peace. I was starting to feel comfortable in my own skin for the first time in my life. Then there was the issue of my sexuality. Only my one brother (also bi as it turns out) knew about me. I was in a position where I could maybe explore my feelings and be a happier more open person. That's when I found shy's. Being able to read these forums and discuss topics that relate to so many things in my life was fantastic. It made me feel like I wasn't alone in how I dealt with my feelings. Then I met Rocky...
I was in the chatroom. No different than any other time. Except this night she was there. She was witty and funny and a riot to talk to. I decided to take a peek at her profile and be her friend. I thought she was an absolutely gorgeous and wonderful woman. A delightful soul that I very much enjoyed being around and chatting with. One day she put up a post. She said she felt useless and miserable. I reached out in a pm. I'd stood in those shoes before and I knew it's a dreadful place to be. So we began to talk and we've never stopped. My reaching out blossomed into something incredible. I'd been single for years at this point and I wasn't looking for it but I found love.
My dad's health had taken a turn and work was starting to dry up so I moved back home. That was almost 3 and a half years ago now. Since then my relationship with Rocky has grown. She has met most of my family and we have become engaged. To my family we were "friends" but It was during this past Christmas holiday while she was here that my mom decided to clear the air so to speak. She flat out asked if Rocky's family knew we were in an intimate relationship. It was an awkward discussion to say the least but now it's all out there. Most of my family know and are just fine with it. My one brother and dad are homophobic. At this point my my brother knows and had a meltdown when my mom accepted me without batting an eye. My dad does not nor do most friends and other family members. Being in such a small town makes it difficult but I prefer my private life to remain just that. Private.
To end this I would like to thank whoever reads all this to get to this point. I know it is long winded. Throughout my journey I have had this safe space to express myself. A place where I don't have to hide who I am and who I love. This site is an amazing source of support and I truely hope that those who are looking for it can find it here as I have.
The DC superhero Wonder Woman will soon be in the media spotlight as her first big screen motion picture opens on June 2nd. The movie, starring Gal Gadot has been a long time in coming as Wonder Woman was created by William Moulton Marston back in 1941. Last year marked the 75th anniversary of her creation and the occasion was celebrated by her being nominated as a ceremonial ambassador to the UN, a decision which was quickly overturned after a vigorous protest was organized by UN staff who objected to a fictional female superhero (created to be a role model for girls), being granted honorary status.
Lynda Carter and Gal Gadot (past and present actresses to portray Wonder Woman)
Wonder Woman was indeed a champion for the rights of women when she created by Marston and his inspiration came from the suffragettes and the first wave of feminism in 19th and early 20th century. One particular source was the literary work of feminist Charlotte Perkins Gilman (1860-1935) who was a lecturer, writer and champion of autonomy for women.
Her most known work is The Yellow Wallpaper, a short story about a woman who suffers emotional and mental breakdown as a result of a "rest-cure" prescribed by her doctor. The story mirrors Charlotte's experience with postpartum depression after the birth of her daughter when she was was subjected to "rest" which was in fact an emotionally damaging enforced isolation. After recovering Gilman began her life's work of being a champion for the equality of women and the necessity for women to be able to work outside the home.Quote
"The first duty of a human being is to assume the right functional relationship to society - more briefly, to find your real job, and do it."
Gilman also wrote acclaimed non-fiction as well including Women and Economics and The Home: It's Work and Influence which elaborated on the thesis that women remained severely undeveloped when confined to domestic toil within a home.Quote
"To work is not only a right, it is a duty. To work to the full capacity of one's powers is necessary for human development - the full use of one's best faculties - this is the health and happiness for both man and woman."
Charlotte Perkins Gilman
Gilman also wrote a trilogy of feminist utopian novels, and one in particular, Herland (1915) provided a setting that would be used to create the back story for Wonder Woman.
Herland was a speculative work of fiction that explored the possible nature of a society made up of only women and girls. The plot involves a group of 3 male explorers who discover a hidden plateau where a female-only society has been evolving separately from the rest of the world for over a thousand years. The women reproduce through parthogenesis, a type of asexual reproduction that is found in some species of fish, birds, amphibians and reptiles. The men are surprised to discover that Herland is advanced technologically and yet ecologically sustainable and that it's inhabitants are well-educated, healthy and happy. After a prolonged visit the men realize that Herland is a society that is superior to theirs in every possible way.Quote
"The children in this country are the one center and focus of all our thoughts. Every step of our advance is always considered in its effect on them — on the race. You see, we are MOTHERS,” she repeated, as if in that she had said it all." - from Herland
Herland is the inspiration for Wonder Woman's birth place and home - Paradise Island which is inhabited by only women who reproduce asexually. The story of Wonder Woman begins when a man, Steve Trevor is injured in a plane crash near Paradise Island and is rescued and brought back to health. Diana (Wonder Woman) falls in love with Trevor and travels back with him to help save the world from the Axis powers (the main concern in 1941), and other subsequent evils.
William Moulton Marston would have been very familiar with the works of Gilman and other feminists of the time because he was immersed in that world though his association with feminists. His childhood sweetheart and later wife Elizabeth Holloway, a psychologist and attorney, exemplified the liberated woman who achieved success outside of the home. Marston's mistress Olive Byrne was the niece of Margaret Sanger, the radical feminist who championed the birth-control movement in the US and founded the organization that would evolve into Planned Parenthood. Her mother Ethyl Byrne was also a radical feminist who championed for the same causes as her sister Margaret.
Holloway and Byrne contributed to Wonder Woman both inspirationally and creatively; they provided advice and details about plots and dialog and it was Olive's article written for Family Circle in 1940 about Marston's views on the morality of comic books that caught the attention of M.C. Gaines, publisher of Superman. Gaines would go on to hire Marston as a consultant and then as writer for a new female superhero, Wonder Woman. She was conceived to be an inspiration for girls - she would be strong like Superman, but she would combine the use of that strength with wisdom and love. The comic was immediately popular and became one of DC comics most successful during the 1940s.
Marston's work as a Phd Psychologist also informed a belief in the goals of feminism, which he believed were important for improving the world. The quotes below reveal how his ideas closely reflect the feminism of Charlotte Perkins Gilman.Quote
“The truest kindness to any woman is to provide her with an opportunity for self-expression in some constructive field: to work, not at home with cook-stove and scrubbing brush, but outside, independently, in the world of men and affairs.”Quote
“The only hope for civilization is the greater freedom, development and equality of women.”Quote
"Frankly, Wonder Woman is psychological propaganda for the new type of woman who should, I believe, rule the world."
Marston also had quite radical ideas, especially for the time, about women's sexuality. In his book Wonder Woman: Bondage and Feminism in the Marston/Peter [the illustrator] Comics 1941-1948 Noah Berlatsky summarizes Marston's views:Quote
"...he devotes a whole subheading of Emotions of Normal People, titled “Women’s Passion,” to expounding on the commonness, normality, and general pleasantness of lesbian relationships. He starts by asserting that “nearly half of the female love relationships concerning which significant data could be obtained, were accompanied by bodily love stimulation” (Emotions 338). While it’s difficult to parse this statement precisely (is he actually saying that half of all female friendships involve lesbian sex?), it’s clear that female-female attraction is not, for him, a minority identity but is instead a potential available to, and enjoyed by, a very large number of women."
Many people find a lesbian subtext in the early Wonder Women comics and recently DC comics announced that Wonder Woman is canonically bisexual (see blog post Fluid Icons). Lesbianism was also present in Marston's unconventional family life. Byrne, who met Marston while attending university was invited to live with the couple to ostensibly raise their children so that Elizabeth could continue her career without interruption. Their relationship became polyamorous, including sex between the women and Olive would go on to have two children of her own with Marston.
Another woman, Marjorie Wilkes Huntley, was also considered part of the family, although she did not live permanently with the Marstons; when Huntley resided at the home the threesome became a foursome. The complicated Marston relationships were a radical solution for building a family aligned with the goals of feminism - to allow Elizabeth Holloway to fulfill her full potential as a gifted attorney without having to sacrifice having her own children. Olive Byrne fulfilled her great talent and ambition to be an exceptional mother and she with Elizabeth allowed William to fulfill his potential in creating a superhero icon for women's rights that would have a significant and persisting impact on society. There was more, though, to their family structure than vocational goals - there was a deliberate attempt made to fulfill the women's sexual potential, which included having have sex with other women.
Marsten family photograph (1947) - Standing: Byrne Marston, Moulton (Pete) Marston, Olive Byrne Seated: Marjorie Wilkes Huntley, Olive Ann Marston. William Moulton Marston, Donn Marston, Elizabeth Holloway Marston
[Olive's children are Byrne and Donn; Elizabeth's children are Olive Ann and Pete]
After William's premature death in 1947 (he was only 54) DC Comics hired another writer to continue Wonder Women stories but she drifted away from the feminist roots that Marston, Holloway and Byrne had planted and she became an unrecognizable shadow of her former self during the 1950s and 1960s. She was transformed into a figure that conformed to the status quo rather than one that championed for change.
Holloway and Byrne remained together as a couple for the next 33 years until Byrne's death in 1980.
In 1972 Gloria Steinem, who read Wonder Woman comics while growing up, chose her to be on the cover of the premier issue of Ms. Magazine thereby linking the 2nd wave of feminism of the 1970s to the 1st wave of the early 1900s. On Wonder Woman, Steinem is quoted as saying:Quote
"Wonder Woman's family of Amazons on Paradise Island, her band of college girls in America, and her efforts to save individual women are all welcome examples of women working together and caring about each other's welfare. The idea of such cooperation may not seem particularly revolutionary to the male reader. Men are routinely depicted as working well together, but women know how rare and therefore exhilarating the idea of sisterhood really is. Wonder Woman's mother, Queen Hippolyte, offers yet another welcome example to young girls in search of a strong identity. Queen Hippolyte founds nations, wages war to protect Paradise Island, and sends her daughter off to fight the forces of evil in the world... Wonder Woman symbolizes many of the values of the women's culture that feminists are now trying to introduce into the mainstream: strength and self-reliance for women; sisterhood and mutual support among women; peacefulness and esteem for human life; a diminishment both of "masculine" aggression and of the belief that violence is the only way of solving conflicts."
In addition to the upcoming release of Wonder Woman there is a movie scheduled for release later in 2017 titled Professor Marston & the Wonder Women which will detail his unconventional life and the creation of Wonder Woman. It will be interesting to see if the full extent of the domestic and romantic arrangements that Marston, Holloway and Byrne lived with will be depicted in the movie. They were way ahead of their time socially and perhaps their free polyamorous bisexual lifestyle is still too risqué to portray even in our supposedly progressive and tolerant era.
Melody Hour - Louis Icart
Charlotte Perkins Gilman http:// https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Charlotte_Perkins_Gilman
Herland, by Carlotte Perkins Gilmanhttp:// http://www.gutenberg.org/files/32/32-h/32-h.htm [Many of Charlotte's written works are available for free at gutenberg as they are 100 years old, or older] An online version is available at: http://hilobrow.com/2013/07/16/herland-1/
In addition, excellent audiobook versions are availble at youtube https://youtu.be/WJtrW-26NdI and Librivox http:// https://librivox.org/herland-by-charlotte-perkins-gilman/
On the Cliff (1910) - Charles Courtney Curran [1861 - 1942]
The Last Amazon: Wonder Woman returns by Jill Lapore http://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2014/09/22/last-amazon
One less woman in politics: Wonder Woman loses job as UN ambassador https://www.theguardian.com/world/2016/dec/12/wonder-woman-un-ambassador-gender-equality
Production Begins on Angela Robinson’s “Professor Marston and the Wonder Women” https://blog.womenandhollywood.com/production-begins-on-angela-robinsons-professor-marston-and-the-wonder-women-5f791bbcdd3
The Secret History of Wonder Woman by Jill Lapore https://www.amazon.com/Secret-History-Wonder-Woman/dp/0804173400 [This excellent book focuses on the lives of the people who created Wonder Woman and those who influenced them. Highly reccomeded]
The Surprising Origin Story of Wonder Woman by Jill Lepore http://www.smithsonianmag.com/arts-culture/origin-story-wonder-woman-180952710/
Wonder Woman: Bondage and Feminism in the Marston/Peter Comics 1941-1948 by Noah Berlatsky https://www.amazon.com/Wonder-Woman-Bondage-Feminism-1941-1948/dp/0813564182 [Another excellent book that focuses on and analyses the content of the comics themselves]
Wonder Women of History http:// http://womanwondrous.juliamichels.net/wonder-women-of-history/ [Included in every issue of the early Wonder Woman comics was a quite elaborate (for comics) mini-story about a famous and/or important woman from the past. This is a list of each person chosen.
Bound to Blog - The Hooded Utilitarian http://www.hoodedutilitarian.com/2009/04/bound-to-blog-wonder-woman-1/ [This is a blog by Noah Berlatsky in which he blogs an in-depth analysis of every issue of the early Marston/Peter Wonder Woman No.1-28, Recommended if you are a nerd or fascinated by the feminist vision of Marston]
- Read more...
- 0 comments
Hi Shybi Family!!!!!!!
I am sure many women have been in enough relationships regardless of sex (hopefully more than one) to be able to decipher when a person's interactions with us means us good or harm. Today, I'd like to talk about we women being jaded (fooled) by politeness. A politeness so complimentary, nice, so disarming..................it sets you up to be betrayed.
I have had been a victim of "politeness," disguised in many forms a few times in my life............by men and women. In terms of men.............it's the general scenarios where you meet some "nice" guy who's good looking, charming, charismatic................saying all the right things to get you. Whether it's to get into your pants or get your hand in marriage...........the guy clearly has an agenda (as you see later in the relationship). After sometime in the relationship you learn this person really isn't nice perhaps. Sometimes you learn the guy is a creep/pervert/sex addict. Sometimes you learn the guy lured you in for nothing more to take his mother' place in being his glorified maid, housekeeper, bed wench. Sometimes you learn the guy simply likes to control people.............you took the bait so you're it. Maybe he has mental health issues. A guy with multiple personalities, maybe he was bipolar or schizophrenic and on his meds when you met him...................polite and kind. He turned into a monster without them. Where oh where did that polite person go you ask yourself many a days. In any event, we end up in bad relationships with men sometimes because of their insincere politeness. Books have been written about men and their shenanigans. But it's the women that I would like to focus on right now.
These same scenarios can take place regardless of sex. Politeness is a form of diplomacy..........easily disguised to ensnare an unsuspecting victim for personal gains.
I have been straight jacked by some women in my life. I've also seen how we can turn our politeness on and off when it suits our needs. I've seen women use politeness to disarm and conduct absolutely stunning acts of betrayal. Like a high school best friend sleeping with my husband and sharing all of my personal secrets with him...............enabling him to come back and use them against me. Friends all throughout high school and she commits the ultimate betrayal. The same thing happened with another really good friend I helped a lot riding her around town in my car, having her at my home, breaking bread with her, even partying with her. She was nice, kind, mild, not the brightest apple in the barrel....................but she was smart enough, cunning enough, polite enough for me to allow her into my small circle to screw my boyfriend and fuck up my otherwise nice relationship. Nice right!
I did all the things I was supposed to be, or so I thought. I was kind to someone that showed kindness. I was polite to people who were polite to me. I shared with people that shared with me...............I thought I had a firm grasp on protecting myself from being betrayed. Stabbed in the back. Pushed from behind by a ride-or-die friend or love. I was wrong. Being jaded by a woman can even be more difficult to get over than a man. We are supposed to have this invisible "sisterhood," regardless of age, sexual orientation, or ethnicity. We know how it feels to be poo poo'd on. We all have the horrible let down stories by friends and loved ones. But as a woman I must admit, being jaded and cut deep by a woman is so much more painful. Because most of us are sensitive, nurturing beings, it's almost inconceivable that a woman you're in love with could:
- Be Abusive (Physically, Emotionally, Sexually)
- Be Deceitful /Deceptive
- Act Selfishly, or
- Use Sex and Kindness as Weapons for Behavior Modification
Yes my friends...............we women can be some ugly critters at times. If you haven't had the experience yet, count it as a blessing. If you have................I hope you have healed and moved on. I say all this to say that as women, we must be careful to not be jaded by politeness or early expressions of love. Sometimes when someone is being overly polite, there are motives to betray us. When people are about to screw you over, they aren't usually mean which would give us a heads up. They are generally nice to you, to get you to drop your guard before they stick you in your ass with a pitchfork. It's a form of manipulation. For women, it's a manipulation we women have been labeled with since the beginning of time.............back to Adam and Eve (for the religious). So ladies..............as you embark on your lady love journeys, be wise. How do you prevent being jaded by a new love or acquaintance (but can apply to anyone in general):
- Self-Awareness (Be Aware): Be aware of conversational moods. One minute you have red flags going off all over the place and hairs standing up on the back of your necks. Pay attention to people and their sudden or renewed interest in you. It's likely not you, it could be what you bring to the table. Over-politeness is often difficult to detect when meeting new people, so go with your gut.
We women can be mean, vindictive, cruel, selfish, manipulative human beings. We can also be kind, beautiful, caring, compassionate, loving, attentive human beings. As we go throughout our lives experimenting, searching and finding love, and when it's not right for us...........letting go, please be go into (and out of) any and all relationships (casual, committed, or otherwise) with a do no harm perspective. Leave the woman (or women) in your lives better than you found them.
Ladies, don't take her kindness for weakness. But the most important take away is to not allow another to disarm you, leaving you open to wounds.
Have a wonderful week!
I've had a very rough few days...
Something I say pretty often. More so these days. When anyone asks "How are you doing?" "How have you been?" "How's life treating you?" It's sometimes answered in the negative, awful, but mostly in a vague "Yeah fine" kinda way in order to avoid anyone probing for more. I don't see my accomplishments, what I've achieved, how far I've come, how much life has changed for the better, all I see is the darkness. Depression has been a cloud looming over my head for as long as I can remember. I often think if it wasn't for the pain him and I would have parted ways a long time ago. But then there's my BPD too, borderline personality disorder. It's often described as the emotional equivalent to third degree burns. Mix them both together, add chronic pain with no relief, and you get me. A train wreck. Maybe a hot mess is a nice way of putting it. But a mess none the same.
Now I'm gonna try and focus on the positive for a moment, otherwise this will become a pity party real quick. The simple things most people go about doing every day, getting out of bed, showering, getting dressed, making something to eat, walking... They're all things I struggle with. If I've done all those things then that day is considered a success, a good day. I say this as I lie on my bed in my PJs, having not eaten because that was too much effort today. But the reason for this is because I was productive the last few days. I went out of my comfort zone and achieved something I never would have thought to ever do. I used my own initiative and progressed forward. So the pain I'm enduring now is partly because I did something good, something worthy of the pain that comes after.
But how do you deal with the pain that's there not because you pushed yourself too hard and achieved something, but because this is something you have to deal with most days, something there isn't a magic pill for, or some form of relief, something that causes your mental health to deteriorate. What do you do when the pain is so intense that you feel like the only way to make it stop is to not be here anymore. That's happened to me many times before. This happened last night in fact. No one else was around and I thought to myself, I just want it to stop, who would care if I wasn't here anyway?
I wasn't alone though, because I had my other half on the other end of the phone desperately trying to make me see the good things I have, how things aren't always gonna be dark, how bad days happen but we have to pull through them. She told me how she'd left her comfort zone and endured things she never thought she would because they positively affected us and our future. She told me how closer we get every day to being together every day. She stayed awake with me til late making me see that I am worth more than I believe I am. That I am loved, and needed, and appreciated. Even if I don't see it. She told me of how I've touched people's lives in amazing positive ways, including hers. That despite my negative upbringing I have worth and purpose.
I reflect back to 2014 today, a particular day in January when I felt so worthless and useless that I made a status here because I hated myself so much, and I needed to vent that anger somewhere. I think about how that status brought into my life the caring wonderful woman above. How my depression and negative feelings brought something positive into my life, and how to this day she continues to be the positive to my negative. So maybe I suffered that day for a reason, maybe I was hurting so bad that it made me reach out in order to find something amazing. Maybe what I'm going through now has a reason, a purpose, maybe it doesn't, but if I don't stick around I'll never find out the answer.
I'm often amazed at how kind people are to me, especially here, with their words and gestures. I find myself wondering why. I'm quite a moody, isolated closed off kind of person, who isn't particularly fond of being social. From my long conversation last night with my lady I've discovered something, that no matter how awful I feel, no matter how much I want to close myself off and be that moody awful person, I'm not. I put on a smile and I throw myself head first into people, I reach out and help, I offer my advice, my time, and this makes me see myself in a more positive light. Then this action is returned to me tenfold. But I've only now just seen it. So maybe being me isn't so bad after all, because it makes me a better person to those around me. It makes me, me.
Good day, ladies!
It's been a long time since I've been sort of on hiatus from Shys. Certain things were draining the life out of me, and I finally I can breathe! A few things happened, and things are starting to turn up for the first time.
I had been trying to get into this other district that is very hard to get into. I met someone on another website, and she and I had become friends. She essentially helped me get the job, and I am forever grateful to her. I swear, she's getting a NOICE Christmas present. He he! I'm so glad that I get to work with a good friend. It's been a long time since I've worked with a friend at work whom I kinda feel safe with. I don't trust people easily, but I think she might be someone I whom I can rely upon to help me. So that's great.
As many of you have figured out by now, those of you who keep up with my love life drama, my girlfriend and I broke up. I learned a valuable lesson: long distance relationships (LDR) do not work unless both parties are equally dedicated. I was working so much for someone who did not value my time. It took eight months and a $400 plane ticket for me to realize that. She even treated me horribly, as in she didn't give me much attention. She essentially told me that I was not good enough for her and that because of that, she wasn't able to spend time with me. It was interesting because her husband and I got along very well. So...there is that.
I also had a boyfriend whom I left because he didn't place me as a priority in his life. Enough said. I won't dwell on him.
I met a new gentleman who is very kind to me, and we just started dating. Hopefully, he will stay around. He's very sweet to me and treats me like a queen. He is willing to come to me instead of me going to him. He always tells me about how beautiful I am and the funny thing is that he is a lot like my husband. He he! My husband and I are going great as always. I still love him so much.
School has been going quite well. I'm going to school to get my degree in Clinical Mental Health Counseling, and it is a rather enjoyable and rewarding experience. It's gotten me to look into my life and notice many things. I can't wait to get my license to practice! I plan on advocating a lot for bisexual and pansexual people. We need all the support we can get. I'm also an admin for a kinky group of bi women too. I'm quite proud that I've had this position for quite a while. That has also kept me busy.
I'm looking forward to popping into groups and saying hello!
Take care, ladies,
Recent EntriesLatest Entry
So, I've decided to be selfish. I am done always being everything to everyone at home. I am going to start taking time to just be me.
He is going to hate it, he is going to complain, but it is his fault. He always says I need to make time for me, it's my own fault I don't have a life outside the house. He'd be home if I made plans. So I decided to, I asked him to come home so I can go out on Friday. He asked if I could change my plans to another night, because he might be going out with the boys. He goes out every week, I can't remember the last time I got to. So no, I am going out Friday. I'll call the sitter if I have to. After that I may go out one night next week, if not I'll go the week after. I gave up my career to be a SAHM, and so far I've given up my life to it. It's his turn to give a little now, because I'm taking a little of my life back. If that makes a a selfish (insert fav offensive noun here) then so be it.
For once, I am choosing to make myself happy.
Recent EntriesLatest Entry
It's the next day since she told me the other night she didn't feel the same.
I can't describe clearly all the range of thoughts, emotions and reactions I have racing through my head and chest.
I know my husband meant well by suggesting I try to have something with her, but I kind of wish I hadn't tried.
Clearly, what I thought and felt was mutual...was actually very one-sided and imaginary.
I'm keeping my distance now, because I'm not sure what I should do. I'm sort of licking my wounds I guess?
I still want to be friends, but I can't help feeling a bit reclusive and cautious.
I think in the end...I still respond to these sort of things like I did 10+ years ago.
I'm not unhappy with her...she has every right to feel how she feels and want what she wants.
It's just something I have to accept and get over.
Hopefully, that will come sooner than later.
Since my last blog post was so serious... here is an homage to my girl... DITA!
Beautiful... smart... sexy... this woman would turn me into a stuttering blathering mess. I don't even need to see her in lingerie... seeing her in a 50's pinup dress drives me over the moon. That smile... those eyes... I could just stare at her all day. And night. And the next day.
Remember those old cartoons where the heart jumps out of the cartoon character's chest and their eyes bug out and you hear "AAAOOOOOOOGAHH!!"
Yeah. Dita. It's something like that.