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  • GypsyButterfly

    A Note Just For You

    By GypsyButterfly

    If I don't phone, text or email you, please know you're still in my mind & heart. Which is why I can't contact you. It would hurt too much. It might lessen in time, but, I don't know if it will ever completely go away. If you reach out to me (which I hope that you will), I may not answer or get back with you. Believe me, I want to, more than anything. I'm keeping all of the messages. Even if they seem to be deleted, I saved them elsewhere. Right now, I don't have my phone on much & I'm not checking my email. The phone would probably be the best place,though, when you want to get a hold of me.

Life's typos...

This is bound to be full of typos. That's what happens when using your phone. Life feels like that too... full of typos. Ones you wish you could erase without the dreaded *edited* at the end of the last sentence. That crowning word that gets the last say.  That glorified bastardized expression that tells the world a story of a person frantically recalling her words racking her brain whether it sounds okay, not too rude or perhaps not rude enough. 

Mistakes you wish you could fix without guilt or shame. Wave a magic stick and poodley-poof all solecisms disappear like a fart in the wind. No trace to be found, and no big ol neon sign hanging around its neck that simply states... *edited*.

Wouldn't it be lovely to have the freedom to fix things, put things right, without getting an 'aha' sideways look of 'mmm-hmm... I knew she'd come to her senses', or a gasp followed by 'well I never saw that one coming'. Yeah, that's it! Putting things right without the diabolical external world and dialogical-self creating a nonsensical narrative of competing values. And. Judgments. 

They say we learn from our mistakes. Well, I did and always will. I hope. 

But life is like that. One big typo just waiting to happen. No matter how delicately the tip of your fingers seemingly caress the keys stroke by stroke, you can guarantee there'll be a time they stumble. Not that there are keys to stroke on a phone. It's more like a stab in the dark hoping predictive text will actually work in your favour without autocorrect sweeping thru like a tornado just waiting to swallow your innocence because it lacks its own. The bastard. 

Then there's the grammar police tutting in the background after you hit send. Oh no! Not the grammar police! Being graded by the grammar police is just. Dumb. As dumb as a typo wrapped in a vexatious sparkly ribbon. And sometimes life is like a ribbon with tattered ends, while other times you just can't wait to pull the string to expose the gift, of life. 

So long as it doesn't include typos.
Which its bound to. Because, that's life.




Goddamnit my heart hurts

I found myself stalking her facebook friends list and finding the girl she had the threesome with and I instantly started to feel upset. Even more so when I see her commenting on her stuff. All perfectly normal, acceptable behavior, but it's clearly invoking emotions in me that I have no right to have. I don't think even talking to her and telling her that I still want to be friend is a good idea, we tried that and now I know I want more. This sucks. I wish my stupid heart didn't need to go get all fucking butthurt about her stupid sex life. It doesn't have anything to do with me. Probably why it's bothering me so much.

Not sure what I was thinking

Awhile back, sometime near October 2017, I entered into a...thing with a girl I worked with. She made it very clear she was bi and proceeded to heavily pursue me. The fact that I was married did not bother her, nor did the fact that I only suspected I was bi and had never had an encounter with another woman before. Many conversations later between me and her, me and my husband, and me and myself and things happened. I was given the go ahead from him to engage sexually with her. Things progressed, she joined my husband and I in the bedroom, but she only did so to include him so that she could still be with me, and told me so. I didn't mind, he didn't mind, she didn't mind. It was...really great actually. As most good things come to an end, we ended up "breaking up" or lack of a better term and didn't speak for some time, like almost a year. I spent a lot of time over that year thinking about her, sometimes checking her facebook page, but never contacting her.  Well this past February I decided to send her a friend request. About 6 months after the break up she had sent me one and I ignored it for a few weeks and she eventually rescinded the request. I honestly wouldn't have been surprised if she did the same to my request and it was what I was expecting to happen I think. Imagine my surprise when she accepted, I believe the next day if not the same day. And then immediately began commenting on some of my stuff, a clear sign that my request wasn't unwelcome. Over the next couple days we actually opened up to one another and had a chance to talk enough about what happened to determine that neither of us held any ill will or hard feelings towards each other. It was quite the relief for me to hear her say that. Also I had missed her tremendously. I enjoyed my time physically with her, of course, but I enjoyed everything else about my time with her too I love her confidence, her attitude, her sense of humor. I love the way she makes me not feel insecure, as I am incredibly anxious and my insecurities stop me from doing many things, but when I'm with her I don't feel insecurities as crushingly as I do on my own. Before things went bad we had spent so much time together, just hanging out, when we parted ways my life felt void of friends because I had given her so much of my time so often. Anyways, we began messaging and agreed on having lunch that week. She is now in a relationship and I'm very happy for her, but when her boyfriend found out who I was and that I had popped back into her life, he was (understandably) wary.  My husband was also less than thrilled that I was seeing her again. Not that either one of our significant others didn't want it to happen, but they were both...hesitant. I know my husband knows she was more than a friend to me, sex aside. I understand completely where his hesitation came from. And she had told her boyfriend who I was, and that she had slept with my husband as well. They're relationship is relatively new (6 months) and he's concerned, rightfully so. We both made sure everyone was okay before we met and we were only having lunch, not getting wasted alone. No one had anything to worry about anyways. I was really looking forward to seeing her. I really had convinced myself that we were , and would only remain, just friends now. And I was not only fine with that, but looking forward to possibly being able to hang out (as friends only) again. Like I said, I enjoyed my time with her.  Well....late the night before we were to meet for lunch she sent me a message. She has told me many times before how she is an emotional person, but I don't have that experience with her. I find her to be...very in control of her emotions compared to me. Mine take over and affect how I act, I am quick to rise, quick to anger, quick to cry. I'm working on it, trust me. But she has always struck me a very onward and upward type. Things happen and she just accepts them and moves on, seemingly without suffering or doubt.  It's one of the things I admire about her, her stoicism. But when she messaged me, I was not getting that, I was getting a side of her I was not used to. She was doubtful about whether meeting for lunch was the right thing. If it was a good idea or not. I couldn't figure out why, we weren't on bad terms any longer and neither one of us were hiding anything from our partners. I wasn't asking for anything more than her time. But I told her of course if she didn't think it was a good idea then no big deal, we wouldn't meet. I emphasized I was just glad to have had an opportunity to reconnect and tell each other no hard feelings, because it had not ended well. Then some of the most emotional words I've ever heard from her came out and she spoke (Wrote?) aloud the fear of feelings. She actually said, "What if this is a bad idea? Maybe we shouldn't meet." I said I wasn't concerned but didn't want her to stress about it. What was the worst that could happen? I said I won't fall in love and as you to leave your boyfriend. You won't fall in love and ask me to leave my husband. And she said, "You're right I won't ask you to leave your husband". And I suddenly realized that I was not the only one holding onto some very emotional feelings. We did not really touch on the subject to much more that night, and we did agree it was okay to meet. We have since gotten close again, and have spent a lot of time together. Our partners have met and are okay with us hanging out, and so far that is all that has happened. And I'm starting to realize that is probably all that will happen...and I don't think I was honest with her when i said I wouldn't fall in love. As far as having some fun together goes....While my husband was willing to share me with her before, he certainly is not interested in letting another man touch me, and neither is her boyfriend willing to let another man touch her. I did mention to her that we would likely be able to arrange something that makes everyone happy and still get to be physical with one another, but we pocketed any mention of it quickly because that wasn't important, we were working on being friends and having our partners comfortable with it. I knew she wanted to have a threesome with him and another girl though. He had never had the experience and she wanted to show him a good time. So another ex of hers contacted her and they did end up having a threesome. Now at that point, I realized I might be in trouble. When she told me about it, she mentioned she hadn't been upfront with me about her plans the night that it had happened and I understand why not, besides the fact that it's not really my business anyways. It had to do with why and how things had unraveled the first time around. Then when I worked up the nerve to ask why she hadn't wanted to tell me, she said she cared about my feelings and didn't want to hurt them. I told her that her life and her relationship were her business and I would hope that if she chose not to tell me something it was because she didn't want to and not because she was afraid to hurt my feelings, that my feelings are not hers to worry about, she owes me nothing. But it made me realize that I...also care about her feelings, and mine were hurt. Not because of what she had done, after all we're not together or committed in any way, and some of me is just jealous that I didn't get to be the woman to please her again. But I feel..IDK. Passed over maybe? When she brought up any type of sexual encounter and I offered what I could, she chose something else. And of course she did, it was exactly what she wanted instead of a compromise. I keep having to remind myself I'm not upset that she had an encounter with this other girl. I'm...struggling to deal with my feelings about it because its making me realize I do have deep feelings for this girl, even after I told her it wouldn't happen. I have contemplated a hundred times in the last few days about just cutting it off, and that it would be better not to be friends at all, but strangers with memories. I'm afraid my heart is at risk here and it seems as though hers possibly is also. I'm so confused.


I'm trying to pick up the pieces of my heart now.  Why did I love her in a way that would hurt me? It seems as though it hasn't done anything to her but annoy her to talk to me. I feel trapped in this feeling of lost. Why? She has found someone new. She seems happy again.  I hope nothing but the best for her. She deserves to have happiness in her life.


As it seems, I've gotten my heart broken again. Will it ever change for me? Will I ever find a lady to understand me?  Why do love so deeply and in the end, get hurt even more? I feel like nothing. Like I'm not good enough for anyone anymore.


Well, it's been several years since I last mused on the arc of my love life's forays.  Just shy of five years, actually ... and a lot has changed since then.  But lo and behold: I'm still identifying as bi and adamantly NOT lesbian, despite being "with" a woman for the past four years.  That "with" is unfortunately in quotes because I've not had the pleasure of actually living with her all this time due to a complicated situation.  Rather, a complicated series of situations. 1. She was married when I first met her, complete with a son. 2. She reached out to me on another site at the prompting of her (now ex-)husband (actually a bit against her will). 3. He had left me with the initial impression that he was interested in a third as well ... but that was a pipe dream, I found out. 4. She didn't want her son to find out and think she had been lying to him. 5. Her ex was a military officer, well paid, and about to PCS ... with her and their son.   Fast forward a few years (sorry, juicy details left out) ... and what do we have?   1. She is single, surviving on her not-quite-enough-income-for-CA and dwindling savings from her dad's life insurance, with her son living with her after being unable to complete high school.  I'm in UT, tied to a job that I can't seem to escape just yet.  Now, instead of just a 12-15 minute drive, it's a $200 1 hour 45 minute flight before I can see her, a couple of nights spent together, and another 1 hour flight back.  And several months in between visits.  2. We met on a non-PG13 site (my view) because of her naive entrance into a PG13 portal to the same shared site ... but if there's one thing I can be thankful for about her ex, he prompted her to message me there.  I had given up trying to find a real partner/relationship on that site and was pretty much using it for its chat rooms, to just hang out.  She'd been getting harassing messages in her message box when she finally got up the courage to send me an actual message and strike up a conversation. 3. In the end, he was basically looking for another hold to stick it in ... but not looking for another wife.  How sweet. (my translation on the first part, his literal statement for the second piece).  He had no trouble finding other holes to stick it in ... in Korea ... with permission from his at-the-time-wife (because she felt guilty being with me while he couldn't be with anyone else). 4. Her son (who's very emotionally intelligent and aware, unlike his sire) suspected his mom was "cheating" with me until she clarified the situation ... he's been fine with me and his mom being "together" since it's leaps and bounds better than what it was like with his actual father.  Unfortunately, his emotional intelligence hasn't been enough to help him control the tendencies/habits he learned from his father ... anger, lack of self-control, taunting/teasing her, wastefulness of limited resources, among other things. 5. Her ex has since retired from the military after going ahead and PCS-ing to TX without them, blames me as being the cause for his divorce (rather than the 17 years of BS she put up with before I came along), and is quietly reviled by his son.  He got off without having to pay child support, any of his retirement money, or deal with the issues his son is going through that probably started years ago when he insisted that his six year old son play Call of Duty with him ... and his son's skill at hiding how he's really feeling (that he picked up from mom). It's been a bit rough on my end knowing that she's not at all having an easy time of it, is struggling, is stressed out beyond belief, is still trying her darnest to stay strong for her son's sake ... and I'm here, unable to help her.  She doesn't want to take advantage of me or ask me for anything because she says I've sacrificed for her and have my own situation/struggles to deal with.  At the same time, my patience isn't as endless as hers is as a mother and I've been growing resentful of her son's seeming lack of action to help himself get better.  Wandering back onto this site after being gone for so long brings back memories of how I stumbled across this site in the first place: because I was longing for connection with someone who understood me.  The sad thing is, I found her ... but the complication I had hoped wouldn't come to pass is getting stronger each day: my lack of patience for a grown adult not handling their own business and a woman who would put herself in the ground for that adults sake because it's her son.  And I cannot fault her for being the awesome woman and mother that she is and always will be. :( ~ Loneal S.D. 20190430, 1937 MDT.    





I've been with my boyfriend for four years now, and he has always been supportive of my bisexuality.  Like myself, he finds it exciting. We ended up discussing fantasies, and he gave me the green light to explore with other girls (both online and physically) on the condition that he gets to hear all the dirty details.  Hell yeah, I'll give you every sordid detail there is. I'm shy as hell though, with no self esteem, and no connections.  I'm in a somewhat rural town with people that tend to gossip and dislike any sexuality that doesn't fit their norm.  Even members of my family have expressed their distaste for bisexuality or lesbianism.  So, I'm feeling a bit isolated in that regard when it comes to real life. My boyfriend suggested just sticking to my forums and online connections for now -- build up my self esteem, explore, become more comfortable and read experiences.  I've roleplayed and sent dirty messages to other girls and it's so, so stimulating.  I'm still lacking confidence in a lot of ways, but this forum has helped me more than I can put into words.  My "lesbian virginity" is still intact, but I'm slowly getting ready to move out of this town and delve into some new experiences. I'm not sure why I'm really writing a blog, but maybe someone in a similar situation will feel less alone? Being in a town surrounded by homophobes is hard, but having an online support network and knowing there are others going through the same thing can be reassuring.  I'm thinking of my progress more as an adventure.  Hopefully one that will go on for a long, long time.  Who doesn't love a good adventure?




Awkward...but not for me...

So, remember that chick who ghosted me? You do? Good Because I saw her at the grocery store on Friday   My mom and I were up at the grocery store on Friday and we ran into my aunt at the one entrance so we stood off to the side to chat, as you do. Well, after we were done, my mom wanted to pick something up from the small display that was down by the self checkouts so I went to follow her with the cart. Nothing weird... ...until I looked up to see ex-lady friend. To be honest, I probably wouldn't have even really noticed her except she had very obviously spotted me and was working extremely hard to blend in with the distinctly crowd-less area she was in. I mean I was worried she'd give herself neck damage with how hard she had her head turned to the side and that she might run into the wall for not looking where she was going.  Part of me was a bit shocked that she was going to such lengths to avoid me. What? Did she think I was going to invade her personal space and bother her? Because if that's what she thought, I'm also a bit offended. I am a grown woman capable of respecting people's choices. I wouldn't bother someone who has made it clear that they don't want anything to do with me. Another part of me thought this was hilarious. Because, honey, don't think that I need to chase after you. You're nice and all but I'm not going to bend over backwards to impress someone who doesn't want me. And maybe it's a bit mean of me, but I'm (not so) secretly enjoying this little encounter because I think being starkly reminded that just because you ghost someone doesn't mean you won't see them around town is a fitting reward for not having the balls to handle a situation like this like an adult.  

It's not ever enough

The title should be enough of a description of what I'm going to write, but I will expound on the meaning behind the title. Yesterday I took her to the airport after having ten wonderful blissful days together. It's never enough time together to satisfy both of our longings and need for each other. In just 3 short months we will say our vows and become each other's wife. Before that milestone happens, my youngest will graduate high school. She will be the last one and then it's off to bigger and brighter things for her future.  It's only been a day and I'm an emotional basket case. Every time we have to say good-bye, the part of me that I need to be with gets ripped away again. The only thing that will heal this wound that gets reopened every time we have to part is for us to be together forever.  Don't get me wrong I know we will have some struggles along the way, but every couple does. It's what strengthens and builds a strong relationship. We have been doing this now for four and a half years. We've done well and long may our relationship last. Once we are married however we won't be able to be together yet. I still have to come home and work for another half a year or more until I can make enough to have some money to take with me when I move over there next year. Life will be much different than what I've been used to in the U.S. when I move over to the U.K. and there will be adjustments that will have to be made. I won't be coming back home after two weeks once I move over there I will be there. It's a huge change for me. My family will be here in the U.S. and my kids will all be here in the U.S. and I will have to get a job and still be sending money home to help out my youngest while she's going through college and figuring out her next path in life. I'm looking forward to beginning our lives together as a couple. Waking up to each other, having disagreements and laughing about them later, being woken up by a cat sitting on my stomach or a dog trying to nudge me off the bed. I've already settled it that I will be the one to clean up the mess after meals are made because I'm shit in the kitchen but have better talents utilized elsewhere. I like where our house is and I love the location. There are scenic views all around and a famous person buried in the graveyard that's across the street. So cool to be living there. I'm looking forward to cooler summers because I've lived in the heat all my life. I prefer cooler weather. I mean don't get me wrong, I'll miss the pool and swimming but I won't miss the heat and humidity. I'd rather be a little bit chilly than sweaty and hot all the time. I have the air on right now because it's a little warm outside. I'm looking forward to going on walks with her and the dog and adjusting to being a step-mom to her daughter.  I will miss my little space that I spend most of my time in here in my bedroom, but we'll sort things out and make a space for me so that I will feel comfortable. Just to clarify I will feel comfortable anyhow because we will finally have our home and be together in one place. Hopefully everything will come together and on our date in July we'll be saying I DO. I may get a chance to see her again in October but if not it will be another 6 months after we say I Do that I will see her again. My heart is aching and longing for her tonight as I write this and watch her sleeping.





Hi Ladies

SPOILER ALERT: If affairs and cheating are going to trigger you, this isn't the post for you. Sorry!!!  Also, this is long. Like Super long, So either settle in, or move along... On the bright side if you happen to be an insomniac late night scrolling..... you may fall asleep before the end. Haha 

I have just found my way back to this site, after quite a long period away from it, and reading my old posts it all feels so far away from where we are now. I am still married to my husband, who is a wonderful loving and patient man. We are still hoping to find a girlfriend to share in our love and life. Hopefully this possibility opens more, not less, with the passage of time as the children get older and require less from us. Our youngest is only 8 at the time of writing this though, so we still have considerable time left before she has any form of life of her own. 

So, nothing ever did eventuate between myself and the braless flirty friend with whom I was feeling "hopeful." Haha In fact, sadly, our friendship didn't last because in the end I felt she was using me, playing games and exploiting my feelings for her. On the other hand, teacher did come back into my life, which surprised me hugely, I thought that was done and dusted. It wasn't easy to navigate, and I can't lie and say we are completely healthy with one another, a few unhealthy patterns still exist between us, and I'm not completely sure I'm over her. I mean, I am, but were she to try something, I couldn't promise I wouldn't go there. In any case, we have developed healthy attachments too at this point, and I do feel like she is one of my closest friends at the moment. I am grateful for second chances there, however as far as I know she remains 100% heterosexual and not interested in me. Lol She is going through IVF to have a baby on her own, and I will be interested to see if her becoming a mother impacts our bond in any way. I still don't expect a romantic relationship. 

Anyway, at some point after this I guess, we met Nurse. We started chatting to her online and eventually agreed to meet up. Nurse didn't really look like her pictures, to be honest, she knew how to work the camera angles to say the least, but I actually liked her more in person. Her body wasn't perfect and I prefer that because mine sure isn't. I took her out, and she held my hand proudly in public, introduced me to her friends and seemed really into me. She also spent time with hubby alone, although not as much as with me, and the relationship seemed to work.... except she didn't want kids, and to be honest didn't seem to like ours. That was always going to be an issue because we are a family so if you want to be part of that life, there is no avoiding it. Example we were planning to take her on a cruise with us, but she didn't want us to take the kids. I understand this, surely it would be better without them... but we have nobody who is going to watch them so we can take our lover on holiday! haha I wish! Lol 

Anyway, that wasn't the reason it ended, although it would have been, ultimately had something else not ended it first. Her ex came into the picture and caused drama's, there was broken trust, and after that she seemed to spend more time apologising for letting us down than making it up to us. She stood me up at least once, and cancelled hubbys birthday celebration trip away in favour of a trip with said ex boyfriend. Although she was open minded, I think essentially she decided a relationship with just one person was better for her than with a couple. (I realise I make us sound blameless in this story, which is unfair on her. Due to our responsibilities at home, we were often unflexible, and uninteresting to someone who wanted to party etc....)

I was upset at the loss of that relationship for what it represented more than the person as such. It lasted around 6 months. I know.... half a year? But it gave me hope that with the right person maybe it could work because there wasn't really too many jealousy issues there or anything, it worked well. We all enjoyed our alone time and our threesomes. Hehe  It spurred me on to find someone else. 

I joined a dating site for lesbians, essentially, and I met Postie. Postie was a wonderfully attractive lesbian, although she lived with her male partner also. I was so thrilled to meet someone in a similarly complicated situation. Although I always wondered if Postie was attracted to me, I didn't feel I was good enough for her, and so we never took it there. She did try to a few times when she was drunk... but the fact that she needed beer goggles before I was naked filled me with fear. Anyway, postie and I became very close friends for a while and to this day I miss her alot. Postie was still on the dating sites too and I enjoyed her stories of relationships with different women, although I was jealous that she could have those relationships with women to herself and not share them with her man. women dropped at her feet. It was amazing to watch. Postie was a player! Lol It was very interesting to see, however I didn't realise it was jading my opinions of her and I was probably unfairly judging her. In the end she met Clerk. Her and Clerk were just friends, and she introduced me to Clerk too. Clerk and I became friends. Clerk was not a player, she was sweet and gentle in nature like me and I felt she heard the things I did not say. She understood me. I loved Clerk easily and quickly. Nothing ever happened between Clerk and I, aside from harmless flirting, for 2 main reasons. Firstly Clerk was a gold star lesbian, which I learned means has never been with a man and never intends to be with one. So she could not be what I hoped. Secondly, Clerk was pretty taken with Postie. Although they were only friends and Postie told me multiple times all the reasons whys she would never date Clerk romantically, and how Clerk was not good enough for her... eventually they hooked up anyway. Postie asked me to lie to Clerk on several occassions and eventually I had to remove myself from that situation because I did not believe Postie was going to be good to Clerk. Postie and I argued about something trivial, and very nasty words were spoken on both sides, until no words were ever spoken again. I lost Clerk in the battle too. My Facebook stalking indicates that they are still happy and very much in love, over a year later, so maybe I misjudged that situation and let go of 2 very meaningful friendships over nothing. I regret not minding my on business. 

Alas, I stayed on the sites and eventually met Bellydancer. Bellydancer is stunning, but again, out of my league, besides which I don't think we have enough in common to sustain more than a friendship nor the emotional capacity that each of us requires. Bellydancer had a husband too, but over the time I have known her she has separated from him and pursued women exclusively. I value her as she is open minded. She has dated couples before although isn't currently interested in men at all. 

I was talking to one of my straight friends about Bellydancer and how disappointing it was that Bellydancer and I couldn't have more spark, as I was attracted to her and she has dated couples. On paper it seemed to have potential. My friend, Life Coach, seemed very curious and interested in our situation and began flirting with me. It seemed she saw Bellydancer as competition even though I was clear nothing was happening there. Coach had recently lost lots of weight and had some surgery to help her feel better about her body. I suspect she liked the attention and was getting her quota of all the attention she missed out on when she was younger. Coach has a husband, however they were on rocky terms as he had recently caught her cheating. That doesn't make what happened next ok, and I know that. Hubby and I embarked on an affair with coach for about a year. While I wasn't cheating on my husband, it was an affair in that her husband did not know about it. It was not heavily sexual as she had alot of guilt about her marriage and many body issues. I think she justified to herself that being with me was not cheating as I am female, and being with him didn't count if he didn't penetrate her. (I think that only ever happened once although they kissed and were intimate in all the other ways)  It was a strange affair, heavily emotional, dysfunctional sexual, and intermittently overly affectionate. It met her need for attention and met my need for intimacy with a woman. (NOTE Her previous affair was similarly dysfunctional and she blamed him for being with a married woman. She took no responsibility for her choices. You can guess how this became relevant later, right? Yeah. I saw it coming, although that doesn't make it easier!) 

At first my husband was ok with things, but as she gradually pulled away from him he became increasingly jealous and despondent about me seeing her alone, even on non sexual terms. This was difficult to navigate as she was my friend and we had always enjoyed time together alone before this. She really pulled away after my birthday weekend in August, where we went away together but did not get intimate because my husband was very ill and I had just had surgery and then put my back out. I think she felt very rejected by this, and I regret the timing of it all but it couldn't be helped. I tried hard to maintain something and sometimes we were friends and sometimes we were more than friends.... and the uncertainty ruffled me. I couldn't deal with it - I found I'd spend our meetings together longing for her to take my hand, while she didn't seem to even notice I existed. I would try and hold her hand but increasingly she rejected it. We went to the outdoor cinema and she ignored my advances and told me about a woman who had kissed her that weekend when she was drunk. I did wonder if I was meant to be jealous, but she made it seem like this advance was unwelcome and so we laughed it off... I wasn't sure how to feel. I took her on a date to a dayspa and when I tried for the final time to be intimate with her she said there were cameras and I was making her uncomfortable. (She hadn't cared about this earlier in our entanglement) I chose to take the hint that the relationship had run it's course. I cried that whole week but vowed not to make her tell me she didn't want me anymore, as it may break our friendship and she shouldn't have to feel guilty for her feelings. The next time we caught up she told me she had never felt happier. It was a kick in the guts. I pulled back emotionally. 

Coach felt this. She was angry with me at one point even snapping and calling me a lazy mole. I laughed that off too, but I wasn't sure why she was so angry with me when it appeared she was the one who didn't want this anymore and was saying hurtful things while I was trying my hardest to protect our friendship at great expense to myself. The last time we saw each other she informed me she was getting with a friend from work and her husband. She told me how they fooled around and she lost her earring and how she was hoping to plan sleepovers with this other woman now that her husband was working away. Finally it all made sense, why she had lost interest in me, although why she is angry with me is still unclear. She blames me I guess.  We have a standing catch up, weekly. I was dreading the last one because I felt she was only going to tell me about this new couple and their kinky weekend together, but then she cancelled on me.  This was a relief. We hardly spoke after that. I did see her pull into my driveway and creep back to the car and quickly drive away to deliver my son's birthday card. I thanked her for it without mentioning I saw her deliver it without saying hello. She knew I was home. That hurt. She spoke about her upcoming holidays, didn't ask how I was and we ended the conversation. Today was our 8 year friendship anniversary on Facebook, and neither of us chose to acknowledge it.

I write an anonymous blog  about friendships because I am aware that I have issues with friendships (all the above have failed and that can't be normal! Lol) and I wrote a post about how it is hard to go from being friends with benefits to friends without benefits and she put a sad face on it. I thought maybe that meant she wasn't angry with me anymore, maybe she could empathize that she was hurting me.... we are meant to catch up tomorrow. Neither of us has cancelled - perhaps due to our friendship anniversary, but the fact we chose not to acknowledge it says it all - there is no friendship left there now. I suspect tomorrow will pass and we may never speak again. Sigh. Not for a very long time anyway. This may be better than having an angry ending that is hard to recover from, I'm not sure. 

I guess this is my karma for embarking on an affair with her in the first place, and I will accept accountability for that. She wasn't mine to have, she promised me nothing and that is exactly what she delivered. I will not tell her husband about this or anything like that. I have talked to my husband about it because the sleepover thing bothered me. Even if she had wanted me to sleep over with her, he would not have been ok with that. It has become clear that while I feel secure enough within our marriage to introduce other women and trust he will still choose me, he is filled with dread that I will prefer her, that I will leave him for her, or become resentful if he tries to stop me seeing her. On some level this is valid, however the reason we are doing it this way is so that I don't have to lie, so that I can have both partners and have his blessing to meet the needs in me that a woman can, emotionally, physically and mentally. I don't want him stopping me from seeing her, I want to be free to choose and for them to do the same, which I know will sometimes mean I am also not chosen. 

So, I am still on the sites, looking for a girlfriend for us to share. Someone who wants me and not just my attention. Options are limited and it will probably be a very long time before we meet anyone again. But I am still hopeful, we have learned so much from this, and for now I know I need to find ways to assure my husband that I want this with him not instead of him. Life has no guarantees, but I have no plans of leaving him for a woman. I suspect if I were single, my quest for a woman would be much simpler, it might be easier to leave him and find a her for myself. But that isn't what I want.  

I guess for now I will just have to keep watching You Me Her on Netflix and living vicariously! Lol Who else is loving that show?!!! 

If you made it this far, thanks for reading. I guess I really just needed to get that all out. I hope next time I read this, all of this will seem like a silly memory from a very long time ago like my previous posts do now! 

If this triggered you and you hate me now for the affair, I apologise. I did warn you! 

<3 Kat xx

PS Yes, I am still looking for new platonic friends too. Sexuality non heterosexual preferred but not essential!




Interlude - Gardening

Taking an interlude from the turmoil of my love life...I finally made my raised garden beds! I'm am super excited. I've been planning on doing this for years but I've never you know....actually started the process. Which is really a shame since I have prime building materials sitting right there in my yard. My uncle used to work for the railroad so he was able to snag a nice pile of big ass wooden railroad ties. Now that he's older, he gave them to my dad who in turn gave me the go ahead to use them to make these babies: I'll tell you what, those bastards were heavy o.O For the longer ones (a little over 8 ft each) it took me and my brother to lift them up onto the bucket of the tractor. It was a lot of work but totally worth it in the end. Next step...dirt

Captain Marvel's Sexuality

Life is strange. The above illustration by a fan-artist shows Captain Marvel (Brie Larson) romantically carrying Valkyrie (Tessa Thompson). Brie tweeted positively about it to Tessa and then Tessa tweeted approval back and then hundreds of twitter fans joined in with their approval. Will Marvel/Disney portray them as lovers in a future movie? There will be lots of opportunity as apparently Brie has signed on for a 7 movie arc and will replace Iron Man as a cornerstone superhero in the Marvel Cinematic Universe.  https://glamourfame.com/brie-larson-wants-lesbian-romance-captain-marvel   SPOILER BELOW about the recent CAPTAIN MARVEL movie:       The friendship between Carol Danvers (Brie Larson) and Maria Rambeau (Lashana Lynch) while not overtly romantic in the movie seemed to be a very strong one, and it seemed as if they, and Maria's daughter Monica were a family. Was the portrayal of a family with two adult females Marvel/Disney's way of preparing future audiences for a later revelation that Carol and Maria are lovers as well as friends?  https://io9.gizmodo.com/brie-larson-believes-carol-and-maria-are-the-great-love-1832908365    


When I have stress in my life, I try my best to make sure no one gets affected by it. I don't want anyone to feel how lost I can get by it or see me cry. It's my pain to deal with, my struggles I have to go through.  My lost right now is unbearable for me. It's as though I lost a piece of me. You understand and got me. You didn't turn me away.  You let me have my mood swings and let me come back. You fought with me to better me and make me realize I am enough. Enough for myself, for my family, for you. You never let me push you away because you know how special I am. Why can't you do the same? I am fighting for you......no matter what. I'm not going to lose you. You can't scare me away. I am giving you some space because i don't know what else to do. I don't want anything to change between us. You give me that hope still. And I'm hoping you come back.  




Shouldn't Have Thought About It Too Long...

I made a mistake today... I woke up about 15 minutes before my alarm and instead of getting up and just starting my day early, I let myself lay in bed and think about my relationship problems. Repeat after me, everyone: Because now I'm mad. I have dated four people (an outrageously high number, I know...), two men and two women. Or, should I say, I've attempted to date one man and two women because out of these four relationships, three of them have ended the same. I realized that the other person was not into me because they made no efforts whatsoever after the first week or so of getting to know each other but they didn't have the guts to tell me they weren't interested. So eventually, I wait to see if they will text me back without me asking for a response...and I never hear anything from them again. In case anyone was thinking "Well, wait just a minute, lady; what happened to the other guy?" Well, man #2 was actually interested in me very much but I was sadly not attracted to him at all so I called him and told him it wasn't going to work out...like the goddamn considerate adult I am. And that leads into what I'm pissed about this morning. What about me is so horrible/annoying/boring/etc that I am not entitled to the common courtesy of being told "Sorry, I'm just not into this anymore"?  I am very upfront when I date people. I tell them that I am very slow on the uptake on nonverbal social cues so if you need me to know something, it's best to actually tell me what they are thinking/want. And at the time they all say the same thing "Oh, that's great to hear. I hate it when people don't tell me what they are thinking. I'll definitely do that"... And they never motherfucking do... It just makes me so angry to think about. I know that I can be a bit annoying and I tell people that it's okay to tell me to back off. I won't be offended because I know that I'm bad with noticing that oh, it's time to calm down a bit. So even though I am upfront with how I function as a person, it's like they are shocked and pissed liked I lied to them. It's the only explanation I can think of why I apparently don't deserve the courtesy of a text telling me that things just aren't working out. And it makes me sad too. I'm always being told (even by the people that eventually ghost me) that I'm "so nice" and "a great person to be around" but then why does everything always end the same? Are people lying to me to spare my feelings? Because if they are, my feelings don't feel very spared when I have to go through this all the time. It actually hurts a lot to be lied to to build me up when it's starting to seem like it's not true considering the physical evidence I have. Because, if there's something wrong with how I act, how am I supposed to correct it without someone being upfront about it?     So yeah...lesson learned, next time just get the fuck out of bed....

I think I'm missing something

Well, this could be my crazy person paranoia talking here but I'm starting to think I've misread this situation... I'm thinking the attraction levels between myself and my lady friend are unbalanced. I've noticed that the amout of texting in our interactions is decidedly one sided but, to play devil's advocate, she has mentioned she's known to be less than stellar at responding to texts. Then this past week I asked of she wanted to go for a walk this weekend since it's been so nice. She said yes and so I asked time/place but then no answer but she did respond to other texts so I thought "okay, that's good though". Cut to Saturday morning, I text asking if she wanted to meet today. Once again no answer until I text that night saying that I guess today wasn't a good day. Then she answers saying that she had to help her dad which is totally fine, I understand so I ask if she'll be free Sunday. I haven't heard from her since. Now I know that it's entirely possible something just came up but I know from past conversations that she doesn't like confrontation. At the time I reassured her that if she felt uncomfortable or anything to let me know, I would hate to know I was forcing my attention on someone who didn't want it.  So now I'm torturing myself with the thought that she's been trying to subtly signal me that she's not interested and my social bull in a china shop self can't pick up the signs. It also doesn't help that we have yet to have a date where we can *really* talk. (All dates have been in really public areas and while she isn't in the closet while I mostly am, the issues is the area we live in is very conservative so while a straight couple would have no trouble having an in depth conversation in these locations, us on the other hand...you get the picture) I guess normally I wouldn't be so upset but I really like her. Obviously if she isn't interested anymore, I will happily fuck off, I just hoped that things would be going better at this point. *melancholy sigh* I guess I'll just have to wait and see if she ever texts me back again...

a small rant

I've noticed a lot of people put their current situation on here. As much as I would love to post about it, I kind of just want to write it in a blog entry. Its just easier for me sometimes. Because I'll ramble and probably drift off topic which I'm known to do.  But after having a conversation with one of my friends last night, i came to realize something. My husband and I have been together since I was 19. (I'm 31) Married for five years, together for seven. When we first started dating, sex wasn't an issue. It really wasn't. I wanted it all the time basically. No matter what time of day or time at night. Sex was a constant. I'd wear sexy lingerie, wouldn't even bother with clothes at night. I was pretty insatiable at times. 

After awhile for reasons I can't remember, my husband got tired of sex. Didn't want it as often or have us talk about it as often. The foreplay started to die down, dirty talk was pretty much over and I was left feeling like I had done something wrong. So my sex drive took a huge nose dive. I wasn't even interested in masturbating anymore. I used to be vocal, that died down too. I began to lose myself and my desire all to make him happy.  When I started to feel lost, I started to become more involved online. I made friends, wrote stories and started to discover that sexy side of me again. But then another problem started to form. My husband wanted all of the focus during sex to be on him. Having his needs met to make sure that he was happy. This has gotten so bad that literally before he left on his business trip, I made sure to blow him so he wouldn't be mad. (we had gotten into an argument hours earlier).  My husband has expressed in the past that he wanted to involve a third person. Have a threesome or just add someone to our marriage. Which I'm not okay with. Not so much because of the sex. If he wants to sleep with someone else, I'm okay with it. But for two reasons. One being it would be someone he chose. Someone that he could relate to. Two, it would be someone that didn't play with me but focused on him. Then the idea that someone would come in and start claiming that they'd be better for him and by fault better for my son. that's where I'd have the issue. (not the better for him part. I made my peace with him finding someone else if he really wanted to. But I'm not going to let anyone take away my son.) Because I know how it would play out because my husband is not a man that you want as an enemy. He will point blank tell you that he's an asshole, he's not going to change. He will forever be an asshole. This isn't me being mean to him. This is something he will tell anyone. 

Because of all this, I just want someone, a friend or someone I can grow a deep connection with, that is only my friend. But not someone that interacts with him. Is it selfish? Yeah, but I'm willing to admit to that. I'm not going to make any excuses or try to justify why I stay. I have my reasons and there is a part of me that does love him. But I know that I can't keep doing this to myself. That I have to have some freedom to make friends and be more social. 

my journey

I didn't always know that I was bi. I had clues about it growing up. Like once I pretended I didn't know the difference between a cube and a cylinder in elementary because I thought our sub was really pretty and I was one of the top students in that class. No joke. I literally managed to trick her into thinking that I needed a lot of help. Then in high school there was this girl that I had a crush on. Her and I were in different crowds but she always said hi to me and gave me hugs. She was awesome. Nothing really came out of it. Out of fear that she might reject me? Probably. Plus I was confused about my own sexuality. 
   I was never sexually active in high school. I honestly was that girl. The girl that everyone wanted to be friends with but didn't want to taint her innocence. Yes, this was many reasons why guys I was interested looked the other way. They didn't want to be that guy. It sucked but I had a lot of guy friends. They always looked out for me so it wasn't all that bad I suppose. I mean, I learned about masturbation from a book. So even then, I didn't even realize what the fuss was about. I probably could have shown interest in girls. Again though, I pushed away any thought that I could possibly be bi. It just wasn't something that I was willing to admit. Both sides of my families weren't exactly open to that at the time. my cousin thought she was bi. Even dated a girl in high school. But then my aunt sent her to this...therapy group to basically make her see the light? Because one minute she was bi, the next time she wasn't. 
   When I dated my first serious boyfriend, that's when I thought started to really think that I was. But after one bad innocent with my dorm mate, I pretty much stayed silent again. She didn't feel comfortable being in the same room as me. So I basically switched with her friend. I never really admitted my interest anymore after that. I did get into lesbian porn, found it more fascinating than straight porn. My reason always being is that I had a guy to have sex with. So I know the fuss when it comes to that. But not when it comes to being with another woman. Though I never actively tried to find another woman to have fun with. I just kept things to myself because I felt like I wasn't all that interesting. My current relationship pretty much shut me down to be open with anyone. At least at the start of the relationship, he's at times open for me to talk to someone else as long as he knows who that person is. Still I don't really tell him all that much. He tends to judge fairly quickly. I have a friend who is a healthy poly relationship. She has her husband and her boyfriend and they're slowly getting more active in poly activities. I talked to my husband once about her. Big mistake. So i never said anything again.
   Recently after the loss of my grandfather, I've started to realize that I'm not happy with my current situation. I would love to have someone to connect with on an emotional level. But as I said in my previous blog entry, I don't know if I will be able to meet someone. I'm not giving up hope. But I'm also a realist? I think that's how you spell that.  I'm married and have a son who will probably rely on me the rest of his life. I don't want anyone to ever feel burdened by being my friend. Which hurts for me to say. 

inner thoughts

Its been a long time since I wrote in an online blog. I always tend to keep my thoughts to myself or in my journals. Even then I feel like I have to shelter those thoughts in risks that my husband will read them. Its quite sad for me to not be able to express myself because I'm afraid that people might not be interested. I stay silent, always listening and being that friend always there for another. I can't even open myself up to another woman because I'm afraid that somehow and in some way my husband will find out. I thought I had one friend that I could trust with anything and yet the things I told her in private somehow got back to him. Then I'm made to feel guilty for my thoughts and not sharing the same sentiment as him that there should be no secrets between us and that I should only ever go to him and no one else about my personal feelings and issues. 
   I'm worried and afraid to put myself out there and make a friend. One valuable and that I can tell anything to. Only because I don't think its fair for them to have to see me go through this never ending cycle and have to understand that there will be days that I won't be able to talk to them. It doesn't seem fair at all. Yet I crave it. A woman that I can talk to openly about anything that goes through my head. Even if we don't share the same opinions, it would still be nice to just speak my mind.    I know I'm rambling again but I think this is best for me. If I can't put my thoughts elsewhere, maybe they'd be safe here. 

Discord and Privacy

A lot of us use Discord for chatting, so I thought I'd address some privacy basics. There's no such thing as a truly private conversation on a Discord server. The server administrator, and possibly other individuals of the administrator's choosing, can see EVERYTHING posted on the server. Even if a limited-access channel is created, they will still have the ability to see. To see who has access to see a conversation in a channel on a Discord server, click the "Member List" (looks like two heads/torsos) at the top of the screen. However, sending a Direct Message (DM) to someone is totally private and cannot be seen by the server administrator or anyone else besides the intended recipient (unless someone else has access to their account). To send a DM, just click on the name of the person you'd like to send it to. If you add someone as a friend, you can continue to DM them even if you are not on a server together. See https://support.discordapp.com/hc/en-us/articles/218344397-How-do-I-add-my-friend-to-my-friends-list- for more information.  If you want to have a truly private group conversation, you can do a Group DM. You must be friends with someone in order to invite them to a Group DM. See https://support.discordapp.com/hc/en-us/articles/223657667-Group-Chat-and-Calls for more information. The only privacy downside to friending someone on Discord is that they'll be able to see if you're active, so don't hesitate to friend people you'd like to stay in contact with!




it's a small world

About a month or so ago, a friend of mine went to a yoga class at our local YMCA. It was a nice class and we had a good time. However, between the combination of the coming new year's resolution workout crowd and the instructor's announcement that that particular class was her last one since she was going to be having her baby soon, that was our only time going to that yoga class. Now you're probably wondering what this has to do with my previous blog entries...well, flash forward to today. I was talking with my lady friend and I mentioned I wanted to get back into yoga. She asked if I went to a class or if I did yoga at home and I told her that I usually did it at home but I did go to a class one time. I gave a brief rundown of going to the class and why I hadn't been back yet and didn't think anything of it. And then I found out that my lady friend had been at that class too! But wait there's more... Because right after that revelation the conversation moved on and I mentioned how cute she was (we've been snapchatting and seriously, she's soooo pretty). It was then that she mentioned that when she saw me in class, she thought I was cute too!!! *Double Gasp! So yeah, I'm having a pretty good day now.




first date

Well after much scheduling trial and error, I finally went on a first date with my new potential lady-friend! We had planned on going to coffee this past Saturday but then when I texted that morning to double check we were still on (she'd been having car trouble all week) she suggested going either to Sunday brunch or drag bingo (aka awesome bingo for a good cause wherein a fabulous and fabulously funny drag queen is the bingo caller). I had no idea that drag bingo existed but I know I would definitely do it again. It was so fun! I was so happy with how the date went. She is super nice and funny; we had a great time chatting about our crappy coworkers and about how awesome drag bingo is.  My new potential lady-friend is also very pretty and very tall (seriously, I feel short next to her and considering I'm 5'7'', that's an accomplishment indeed makes me extremely happy *dramatic swoon*).   After bingo we stood out in the parking lot and talked more, I think we would've stood there longer if it hadn't been for the fact it was absolutely freezing out. We're still texting and it's more frequent than before which I figure is a good sign. I'm really looking forward to seeing her again





In the time that I needed someone to notice me, I got just that.  She is a wonderful person to me. She cares so deeply for me, for how I feel. She makes me feel like my life has finally started. She is my missing piece.  I wish she could see how much I care for her. I know I'm closed off a lot of the time but that's just me. I'm so scared to lose her though. I don't know how to just shut it off me being like this. I don't know what I can do to make her see that she changed me without even trying. She changed me to be the best that I could be for me.




Getting Close

Well it's been a while since I've added an entry to my blogs here. Guess it's time to get caught up. Netty and I are both counting the days now until we can become each other's wife. My youngest daughter and I will make the trip out to her place this summer and we will get married then. I never thought these days would get here so quickly and it's kind of bitter sweet for me because my youngest will be graduating high school in May. Netty and I talked about that day when we got together four years ago and I can't believe how quickly the time has flown by. I won't be able to stay after we're married I will have to come back home and work again for nearly another year. The goal is that sometime shortly after the new year of 2020 I'll be able to make the move. I'm just looking forward to us being able to start our lives together. Yes I will miss my children here, but they will all be doing their own things and very independent. My two older children have found wonderful partners and I think they'll both be married in the next year or two sometime. Not quite sure what my youngest is going to do but I do know that she's planning on going to college and pursuing her love of acting and maybe make a go of it for a career for herself. I have no doubt that she will do well at whatever she strives for because she is a very motivated and driven child. She is so talented and she looks like she was born to perform when she's up on the stage. She's very comfortable up there so I will support her and her dreams wherever they may take her. As for me and netty, we will be living in the place she has now and I will get to be a step-mother once again. Hopefully we'll all be able to live together and get along but when we have our disagreements hopefully we'll be able to talk them out and work through them so we can all become more unified and on the same page. It's not easy having a blended family, but then again if it was easy then everyone would try it but not everyone is always willing to take that risk.  Guess that's about it for now but when I think of other things, I'll write another entry. Take care and hope you've enjoyed my blogs so far.   W.