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  • GypsyButterfly

    A Note Just For You

    By GypsyButterfly

    If I don't phone, text or email you, please know you're still in my mind & heart. Which is why I can't contact you. It would hurt too much. It might lessen in time, but, I don't know if it will ever completely go away. If you reach out to me (which I hope that you will), I may not answer or get back with you. Believe me, I want to, more than anything. I'm keeping all of the messages. Even if they seem to be deleted, I saved them elsewhere. Right now, I don't have my phone on much & I'm not checking my email. The phone would probably be the best place,though, when you want to get a hold of me.

my journey

I didn't always know that I was bi. I had clues about it growing up. Like once I pretended I didn't know the difference between a cube and a cylinder in elementary because I thought our sub was really pretty and I was one of the top students in that class. No joke. I literally managed to trick her into thinking that I needed a lot of help. Then in high school there was this girl that I had a crush on. Her and I were in different crowds but she always said hi to me and gave me hugs. She was awesome. Nothing really came out of it. Out of fear that she might reject me? Probably. Plus I was confused about my own sexuality. 
   I was never sexually active in high school. I honestly was that girl. The girl that everyone wanted to be friends with but didn't want to taint her innocence. Yes, this was many reasons why guys I was interested looked the other way. They didn't want to be that guy. It sucked but I had a lot of guy friends. They always looked out for me so it wasn't all that bad I suppose. I mean, I learned about masturbation from a book. So even then, I didn't even realize what the fuss was about. I probably could have shown interest in girls. Again though, I pushed away any thought that I could possibly be bi. It just wasn't something that I was willing to admit. Both sides of my families weren't exactly open to that at the time. my cousin thought she was bi. Even dated a girl in high school. But then my aunt sent her to this...therapy group to basically make her see the light? Because one minute she was bi, the next time she wasn't. 
   When I dated my first serious boyfriend, that's when I thought started to really think that I was. But after one bad innocent with my dorm mate, I pretty much stayed silent again. She didn't feel comfortable being in the same room as me. So I basically switched with her friend. I never really admitted my interest anymore after that. I did get into lesbian porn, found it more fascinating than straight porn. My reason always being is that I had a guy to have sex with. So I know the fuss when it comes to that. But not when it comes to being with another woman. Though I never actively tried to find another woman to have fun with. I just kept things to myself because I felt like I wasn't all that interesting. My current relationship pretty much shut me down to be open with anyone. At least at the start of the relationship, he's at times open for me to talk to someone else as long as he knows who that person is. Still I don't really tell him all that much. He tends to judge fairly quickly. I have a friend who is a healthy poly relationship. She has her husband and her boyfriend and they're slowly getting more active in poly activities. I talked to my husband once about her. Big mistake. So i never said anything again.
   Recently after the loss of my grandfather, I've started to realize that I'm not happy with my current situation. I would love to have someone to connect with on an emotional level. But as I said in my previous blog entry, I don't know if I will be able to meet someone. I'm not giving up hope. But I'm also a realist? I think that's how you spell that.  I'm married and have a son who will probably rely on me the rest of his life. I don't want anyone to ever feel burdened by being my friend. Which hurts for me to say. 

inner thoughts

Its been a long time since I wrote in an online blog. I always tend to keep my thoughts to myself or in my journals. Even then I feel like I have to shelter those thoughts in risks that my husband will read them. Its quite sad for me to not be able to express myself because I'm afraid that people might not be interested. I stay silent, always listening and being that friend always there for another. I can't even open myself up to another woman because I'm afraid that somehow and in some way my husband will find out. I thought I had one friend that I could trust with anything and yet the things I told her in private somehow got back to him. Then I'm made to feel guilty for my thoughts and not sharing the same sentiment as him that there should be no secrets between us and that I should only ever go to him and no one else about my personal feelings and issues. 
   I'm worried and afraid to put myself out there and make a friend. One valuable and that I can tell anything to. Only because I don't think its fair for them to have to see me go through this never ending cycle and have to understand that there will be days that I won't be able to talk to them. It doesn't seem fair at all. Yet I crave it. A woman that I can talk to openly about anything that goes through my head. Even if we don't share the same opinions, it would still be nice to just speak my mind.    I know I'm rambling again but I think this is best for me. If I can't put my thoughts elsewhere, maybe they'd be safe here. 

Discord and Privacy

A lot of us use Discord for chatting, so I thought I'd address some privacy basics. There's no such thing as a truly private conversation on a Discord server. The server administrator, and possibly other individuals of the administrator's choosing, can see EVERYTHING posted on the server. Even if a limited-access channel is created, they will still have the ability to see. To see who has access to see a conversation in a channel on a Discord server, click the "Member List" (looks like two heads/torsos) at the top of the screen. However, sending a Direct Message (DM) to someone is totally private and cannot be seen by the server administrator or anyone else besides the intended recipient (unless someone else has access to their account). To send a DM, just click on the name of the person you'd like to send it to. If you add someone as a friend, you can continue to DM them even if you are not on a server together. See https://support.discordapp.com/hc/en-us/articles/218344397-How-do-I-add-my-friend-to-my-friends-list- for more information.  If you want to have a truly private group conversation, you can do a Group DM. You must be friends with someone in order to invite them to a Group DM. See https://support.discordapp.com/hc/en-us/articles/223657667-Group-Chat-and-Calls for more information. The only privacy downside to friending someone on Discord is that they'll be able to see if you're active, so don't hesitate to friend people you'd like to stay in contact with!




it's a small world

About a month or so ago, a friend of mine went to a yoga class at our local YMCA. It was a nice class and we had a good time. However, between the combination of the coming new year's resolution workout crowd and the instructor's announcement that that particular class was her last one since she was going to be having her baby soon, that was our only time going to that yoga class. Now you're probably wondering what this has to do with my previous blog entries...well, flash forward to today. I was talking with my lady friend and I mentioned I wanted to get back into yoga. She asked if I went to a class or if I did yoga at home and I told her that I usually did it at home but I did go to a class one time. I gave a brief rundown of going to the class and why I hadn't been back yet and didn't think anything of it. And then I found out that my lady friend had been at that class too! But wait there's more... Because right after that revelation the conversation moved on and I mentioned how cute she was (we've been snapchatting and seriously, she's soooo pretty). It was then that she mentioned that when she saw me in class, she thought I was cute too!!! *Double Gasp! So yeah, I'm having a pretty good day now.




first date

Well after much scheduling trial and error, I finally went on a first date with my new potential lady-friend! We had planned on going to coffee this past Saturday but then when I texted that morning to double check we were still on (she'd been having car trouble all week) she suggested going either to Sunday brunch or drag bingo (aka awesome bingo for a good cause wherein a fabulous and fabulously funny drag queen is the bingo caller). I had no idea that drag bingo existed but I know I would definitely do it again. It was so fun! I was so happy with how the date went. She is super nice and funny; we had a great time chatting about our crappy coworkers and about how awesome drag bingo is.  My new potential lady-friend is also very pretty and very tall (seriously, I feel short next to her and considering I'm 5'7'', that's an accomplishment indeed makes me extremely happy *dramatic swoon*).   After bingo we stood out in the parking lot and talked more, I think we would've stood there longer if it hadn't been for the fact it was absolutely freezing out. We're still texting and it's more frequent than before which I figure is a good sign. I'm really looking forward to seeing her again





In the time that I needed someone to notice me, I got just that.  She is a wonderful person to me. She cares so deeply for me, for how I feel. She makes me feel like my life has finally started. She is my missing piece.  I wish she could see how much I care for her. I know I'm closed off a lot of the time but that's just me. I'm so scared to lose her though. I don't know how to just shut it off me being like this. I don't know what I can do to make her see that she changed me without even trying. She changed me to be the best that I could be for me.




Getting Close

Well it's been a while since I've added an entry to my blogs here. Guess it's time to get caught up. Netty and I are both counting the days now until we can become each other's wife. My youngest daughter and I will make the trip out to her place this summer and we will get married then. I never thought these days would get here so quickly and it's kind of bitter sweet for me because my youngest will be graduating high school in May. Netty and I talked about that day when we got together four years ago and I can't believe how quickly the time has flown by. I won't be able to stay after we're married I will have to come back home and work again for nearly another year. The goal is that sometime shortly after the new year of 2020 I'll be able to make the move. I'm just looking forward to us being able to start our lives together. Yes I will miss my children here, but they will all be doing their own things and very independent. My two older children have found wonderful partners and I think they'll both be married in the next year or two sometime. Not quite sure what my youngest is going to do but I do know that she's planning on going to college and pursuing her love of acting and maybe make a go of it for a career for herself. I have no doubt that she will do well at whatever she strives for because she is a very motivated and driven child. She is so talented and she looks like she was born to perform when she's up on the stage. She's very comfortable up there so I will support her and her dreams wherever they may take her. As for me and netty, we will be living in the place she has now and I will get to be a step-mother once again. Hopefully we'll all be able to live together and get along but when we have our disagreements hopefully we'll be able to talk them out and work through them so we can all become more unified and on the same page. It's not easy having a blended family, but then again if it was easy then everyone would try it but not everyone is always willing to take that risk.  Guess that's about it for now but when I think of other things, I'll write another entry. Take care and hope you've enjoyed my blogs so far.   W.




Chapter 2: My Nightmare

So Lilith came to visit. We had decided it would be for an extended time - 3 weeks - so she could experience the holidays in America. We thought it would be fun to do Thanksgiving as well as set up for Christmas together.

The first week or so went well. I was able to use all the time I had amassed vacation-wise at work, so the time was fully dedicated to relaxing and spending time with her. We had some good conversations (with minimal fighting) so I thought things were looking up.

After I went back to work everything changed. The arrangement we had during the visit was for my then-husband and Lilith alternate nights in the bedroom with me, with the majority of the time going to her. When my husband's first night came, she didn't take it well. Rather than sleeping in the other room - as agreed - she insisted on cuddling in the room with us. It was uncomfortable physically, and awkward in practice. Morning came and I went to work.

When I came home my world experienced the first dose of hell that would happen that year. Lilith told me that after I went to work, she began grinding against my husband, and the two of them kissed. I felt betrayed by both of them. Having things out in the open is one thing, but taking physical actions in a poly relationship without prior concent is just wrong. I was mad, hurt, and confused.

There were two big blowout fights that evening, and I was unsure about either relationship going forward. In the interest of peace, I decided to put it behind us and forgive.

My relationship with Lilith was off track again, and the remainder of her trip was full of bickering, clingyness, and uneasy interactions within the house. To be honest, I couldn't wait for her to leave. While she was there I continued my practice of venting to Janus about my relationship. She was willing to listen, validated what I was feeling, and seemed to empathize with me. She kept me sane for the remainder of the trip.

At the end of three weeks, Lilith returned home. I felt relieved, and like there was a ton of pressure taken off of me the second I left the airport. In hindsight, I knew things weren't fixable. I should've sucked it up and ended things. I felt like I was obligated to stay with her though. She spent so much money coming to visit me twice, she contributed to household expenses, and helped keep things running while I was at work. These are all terrible reasons, and if I was faced with the same situation today I would handle it much differently.

Once Lilith got home, things escalated in their awfulness. Prior to her trip, I thought the relationship was broken. This took it to a whole new level. She became angry, jealous, and emotionally manipulative everytime I said I had to go on Skype. I even spent most of my New Years Eve (at a friend's party) in his bathroom arguing with her while she cried and yelled. I genuinely couldn't understand why she was so adverse to me living my life outside of her. She seemed to see every second I wasn't glued to a phone or computer as a betrayal. It was exhausting.

Then one day we were on a Skype call, and she told me more happened between my husband and her than they initially admitted. They had fooled around some. In my bed. Without my knowledge. I was done.

I broke up with her. When he got home I told him I knew everything and ended my relationship with him. He was crushed, but came clean with me telling me everything that happened because he felt that I deserved to know regardless of our relationship status.

Lilith kept expressing suicidal thoughts during this time, and told me she had no reason to live anymore. I felt very guilty. I even went as far as to call her on Skype to try to talk her down. She couldn't be deescalated. I asked her if I gave her one more shot would she agree to move on (same for him). They both agreed. I tentatively entered into both relationships again.

Things were stable for a couple weeks. Not good, not bad. I was going through the motions at this point. Slowly but surely Lilith and I began arguing again.

Things escalated one day with her scream crying on Skype while I was driving home from work. This had become routine at that point. She ended up saying that my husband had raped her while she had visited.

Time stopped at that point.

I was confused at first because I was sure I couldn't have heard her correctly. She repeated the claim. I believed her. Who wouldn't? I'm a woman. I would want someone to believe me had it happened.

I went home and told my husband he disgusted me. That Lilith told me what actually happened. And that I couldn't believe he could do that to someone. He genuinely seemed surprised and was adamant this did not occur. I didn't believe him.

He again told me his version of what happened. Exactly as before. Details that he had mentioned in passing were the same this second time. Regardless, I believed her.

I again talked to Lilith, and asked her to please tell me what happened. So I could understand what she had gone through. How I could try to help her through it. Her story was convincing, but I did notice some details had changed. I chalked this up to her being traumatized.

As the next few days went by my husband's story never changed. Lilith's remained in flux. Several details changed, including what happened, when it happened, and what was said. I began to get an uneasy feeling about the whole thing. I began to doubt what had happened.

I felt awful for doubting her. Why would anyone make up something so horrible? Especially since she began freely sharing what happened with mutual social connections. I finally told her I was confused and didn't know what to believe. She began telling everyone we knew that I condoned rape...which wasn't the case at all. I just wanted clarification.

Lilith began putting more and more pressure on me. To move out of my house. Relocate to a different country. To start a life with her. I told her I couldn't- and wouldn't - do that until I knew what was going on. Her story changed yet again. His never wavered.

After weeks of this, I finally came to the EXTREMELY difficult decision that I believed him. I didn't care that he was still my husband. I knew he was my friend long before that. And I knew he was telling the truth. I made the gut-wrenching decision of telling Lilith I wouldn't leave my husband. She went on radio silence for several weeks.

When she eventually messaged me again, it was to try to smooth things over. She missed me. Still loved me. Wanted to spend her life with me. She admitted to me that she had made up the rape in the hope that it would be a catalyst for me leaving the US. She apologized for lying and said she wanted to try again...with both my husband AND me in a throuple.

At this point we were scared of her and what she might say or do. We both agreed to it out of uneasiness, both of us completely miserable. Neither of us wanted to have this woman in our lives, but we were more scared of what she might do if she wasn't anymore. We went through the motions. Thankfully it didnt last long.

After a month or so, she realized that we would never give her what she wanted. That we both had a home in our country and had no desire to leave. And she broke things off. It was the best day of my life.

To say I felt free would be an understatement. She continued to message me off and on the days following. Telling me how crushed she was. I didn't care.

This woman had lied. About something unforgivable. That could have lifelong repercussions on someone she knew was innocent. She deserved no sympathy in my book.

I moved on...quickly. Janus was always there for me. Being the person I needed. I had feelings for her. She had feelings for me. We decided to pursue something together.

I told Lilith that I was in a new relationship. She told me I had broken her. I told her I forgave myself. Because I owed her nothing.

Things with Janus were complicated to say the least (I'll address that in it's own entry). It was another great learning experience.

To this day, Lilith still hasn't told people she lied and fabricated her story. And people think I'm a monster for it. I quit caring what other people thought about it years ago. Because I know the truth.

What's funny is I've seen multiple claims on her behalf that I'm a cold and hateful narcissist. I just roll my eyes, move on, and ignore it. Because I never wanted to dignify it. She didn't deserve to get that rise out of me.

At the end of the day she knows what she did. And has to live with it. While I have done nothing but thrive after her.

She was - and always will be - the worst human I've ever known. Because she used being an innocent victim to manipulate. She taught me to always trust my instincts and to not settle for anything less than what I deserve. My life has been amazing since.

And I couldn't care less about what has happened to hers.




Chapter 1: My Begining

I realized a long time ago there will be no good way to write this. I figure the best way to do it is to not edit myself and go for it. Regardless of how I come across. This will be long, but it's my story. I'll probably break it up into segments so there isn't a ton to read.

I'm almost 33 now. When I was 25 I was a trainwreck. I was married to a man I loved (not in that way), gaining weight like crazy, and in a job that was soul-sucking. It was at that point in my life that I discovered Shys. I knew there was a part of me that was being ignored, and I wanted to revisit some urges I had buried years prior.

Upon joining this site in 2011, I met many like minded people, some of whom I still call friends today. One of the people I met from that time was someone (from a different country) I became romantically interested in. We quickly hit it off, and began a relationship. I'll call her Lilith.

During this time, my then-husband was aware of my relationship with this woman. I obviously knew my relationship with him was something I didn't see myself in a "forever" kind of way, so I was very wishy-washy when it came to any type of commitment talks with Lilith.

That was a recurring theme of my early/mid 20s - doing everything I could to avoid conflict or hurting someone's feelings, even at the expense of my own. That's a mistake I own up to. I should've been direct.

Anyway, Lilith and I decided our relationship was serious, and at the beginning of 2012 she came to visit me. This was a big deal, and I was nervous as fuck. Lilith had only been in one other serious relationship in her life at that point - and I wanted to live up to her idealized expectations. She stayed with me, we had an amazing time, and when she had to return home I felt really good about where our relationship was headed. I was all in.

After she returned home, things started to go downhill. While I was married, she was single (except for me). It was hard on her because she would want to spend as much time as possible talking, and I had other obligations which prevented that. That, combined with the time difference, was a lethal combination.

She expressed frustration and sadness, and while I could understand to an extent - I had a hard time empathizing. In my mind (at that time) I saw it as something she knew before we got together, and found it an unrealistic expectation for me to spend my life glued to a computer all hours of the day. It wasn't as if we didn't talk - we did daily - but I didn't want to ignore other parts of my life. Nearly 7 years later, I see this as an incompatibility which should've ended the relationship for both of our sakes.

As months went on, fights and miscommunication continued. I began to become quite frustrated and began to vent to someone (whom I had harbored a crush for) that I trusted. I'll call her Janus. I was unfiltered, and often unflattering, in discussing my partner. I saw this as a way to get out my anger and frustration without taking it out on her.

This is another point where, with the benefit of time, I can admit fault. Confiding in Janus was playing with fire. The more we talked, the closer we became. And as the closeness continued I again developed feelings for her. This culminated in one conversation with sexual themes, which I immediately felt bad about.

I told Lilith about my conversation, and she was distraught (rightfully). I felt bad, especially considering it put a visit she had planned to see me in jeopardy. We hadn't seen each other in months. I had hurt her. It sucked.

There were lots of conversations I just wanted to escape from, but I continued to stay in the relationship. Looking back, I wish I could shake myself. There were so many signs we weren't good together...but that's hindsight for you.

I continued my friendship with Janus (in secret), and continued to look forward to the upcoming visit from Lilith.

During this time, I was also in the process of figuring out a new phase of my life. My lease was coming to an end on the apartment my husband and I shared. After some careful financial analysis, we decided to buy our first home. It was a scary - and exciting - time.

Lilith became increasingly bitter towards me during this time. Telling me I was going to make a mistake in buying a home. That it would be the biggest mistake I could make. That it wasn't fair that I would have roots to where I lived. It turned an otherwise exciting time into something filled with sadness and anxiety. Looking back, I can understand why she felt that way. My having roots in the US meant I would not leave for another country. Understandable...yet another sign things should've ended.

Shortly after I moved into the home I purchased (we weren't even fully unpacked) Lilith was set to visit again. This time it would be three weeks.

These were three weeks I looked forward to - a chance to get our relationship on track and have fun. But it turned out to be three weeks of Hell.

More to come...




Learning Things

Hey there, I am mostly testing to see if this is working, but I also wanted to comment on how I"m learning a lot. I'm learning that nothing good lasts forever. I should probably enjoy the feelings while they are current and then try to let them go.  Easier Said Than Done I've decided to pick up on my hobbies as well as learning Korean and Russian. Yes, at the same time. I hope I can find more language partners. I just love learning different languages. It excites me.  Well, have a lovely day, ~Bella




super excited

I didn't want the clutter up the forums so I thought I just put this here so I can be excited somewhat in public...I'm talking to a girl on a dating site And things seems to actually be going well. She's not super far way from me, she seems super nice, and I'm really hoping that we actually get to the point of meeting up.  It's been such a long time since I've been attracted to someone on a dating site (probably because I was sticking to men and my attraction to men seems to be very very low anymore), let alone someone who seems to share that attraction, I really hope this works out.True, if this works out I have to have The Conversation with my dad finally but for now, I'm very happy. That's it. I just needed to get that out so I don't accidentally explode at work and blurt it out to my blissfully unaware coworkers...




No title, no idea

Well the title kinda sums it up really, No title, no idea. I haven't been here properly for a REALLY REALLY long time. I first appeared back in 2007 I think, so over 11 years ago- and I landed her by pure chance as I was bumbling my way around my sexuality and denial, and relationship and I could go on and on. So why am I back now? Honestly I got a notification on my email about a report as a moderator and came in to turn off the notifications.... hmmm well that didn't  work.... cause here I am having posted some stuff and now writing a blog. I know i have been struggling ever since my gf and I broke up over a year and a half ago. It was a good thing to happen and I did it,. It had been coming for a really long time and some one had to just rip the plaster off once and for all. I miss the emotional connection if I am honest. It is something my hubby has never been good with and I find myself so, so sad these days without an emotional connection. The closest thing I have is my dog, She is amazing for sure but...... So I guess I am back to vent, to have a safe space to be, to express to... hell I dunno.....   Hence no idea.




Love yourself

i am not good in expressing my thoughts usually.That's why i have some blogs with articles that are not my thoughts but when i read them they express what i cant say.This one is Greek and i will try to translate it as best as i can again.It touched me when i read it few days ago   Love yourself and take good care of you. yourself is making you happy,making you feel high and low.  Don't underestimate yourself about the times you were weak.You only have you.In everything,in good and bad times.In those moments that no one seem ideal to warm you and every hug feels foreign,indifferent.Don't make yourself feel sad,offer everything that yourself deserves to have,And don't get stuck to people that are no longer in your life for different reasons.Don't expect that everything will magically change and you will have the apologies that you want to have.No one was saved by an apology,a word that people usually don't appreciate. Love and protect yourself. Learn to spend some time alone.Learn to breath without needing oxygen from others.Don't be pathetic. And if something isn't going right for you  then there must be a reason.Just smile Live for you,for the beautiful days that will come and for the smiles to the people you love .Always search for the truth !And always search for the light.Feel free and reveal pieces of you slowly,step by step,page by page. Love yourself exactly as you are and others will love you too for who you are And those that are worth will be friends,companions,partners in your life.They will be there for you,holding your hand in the most beautiful,the most amazing moments in your life.They will be laughing along with you because they will have no choice.And when you fall ,they will smile until you feel that you are not alone ,they are right there with you. They are the ones that they saw you,they made an effort to learn all about you,they hugged you,they gave you everything that you needed without even asking.The ones that loved you in your bad and in your good days,that made a choice to be with you because you gave them too a part of your life.You became a special color in the palette of their life.You stayed in their reality and shared .Shared all those things that made you find a common ground and you started building on it.A friendship,a love,a pure feeling. Love yourself and don't get lost Try not to give everything,always keep something for you too.The "too much" is tiresome, is scary.It shares drown insecurities,hidden fears,words that want to be heard from lips that never dared.Open your soul where you know you will not get lost.And if you do just trust yourself,be saved by you.Keep yourself high .love yourself. And never forget.... the ones that they deserve to be in our life are the ones that prove to us that they need us in theirs too'   sorry if in some parts you dont understand.I am thinking in Greek and sometimes i write the literal meaning of words    




Gigapixel Venus

The Birth of Venus by the Italian artist Sandro Botticelli is one of the most famous paintings in the world and is seen at it's home in the Uffizi Gallery in Florence, Italy by upwards of 2 million people per year.  Painted sometime in the 1480s, it depicts the goddess Venus arriving at the shore after her birth, when she had emerged from the sea fully-grown.   Ideally this is how one would like to view the painting, up close, alone, with lots of time for inspection and admiration.   This is how most people probably experience the painting - in a busy, perhaps noisy crowd of people jockeying for time and space to get a few minutes of close viewing.    Now there is a new way to appreciate this, and many other great works of art; Google Arts & Culture is a relatively new initiative by Google to provide free access to the artistic wealth of the world in unprecedented digital quality.    Google uses a new gigapixel camera to scan famous paintings at resolutions of up to one billion pixels, which allows one to zoom in...   and in....   and in until your entire screen is filled with sharp detail of Venus's left eye.    You can check it out at the link below: https://artsandculture.google.com/asset/the-birth-of-venus/MQEeq50LABEBVg

celeste teal

celeste teal



Ok I have been suffering from depression since about 13 years old. Most of the time I have it under control.  These last 8 years have been hard, my dh has depression that requires medication and has had 4 bad episodes that has ment I have had to step up and sort everything out. The the ptsd started 4 years ago with  depression. While my husband has been bad I have found it really had to cope with the depression of my own some days I get through really well. My husband is doing amazing and back in a job that he loves (was working somewhere he was just earning money) and he has light in his eyes again. Now he is better (I know it will never go away) than he has been in so many years I think all the depression that I have had to stop from coming through is now showing its ugly head. This last 2 months have been so hard. I have wonderful children and dh. I have an amazing job that is different every bank shift I do. I am so tired, tearful, distracted on doing things (not at work), my memory is shocking which is not good, not sleeping well enough and I can't stop feeling hungry. I think I might have to bite the bullet and go back to doctor, explain that it's getting worse (seen them before and did courses to try and help) and that I might need more input on what to do next. Or I could get an appointment to see works councler (I don't want to tell them) to see if they can help but it's not work related so I'm not sure if I want to. I don't know my brain is all muddled and I feel rubbish. I was washing the dishes and I started to cry, the phone went and it was a friend calling to speak to dh but all I heard was my 3 year old God daughter  saying Auntie ****ty its you, were coming to your house soon and I want to show you ......... she told me all about the kinder egg cars she is collecting and loads of other things. She makes me smile. She took over the phone call dad didn't get to say much. She cheered me up. I should tell my dh about the depression but I'm worried that it might trigger his off. Time to try and sleep  Night x




The Red Rose Girls

The Red Rose Girls were a group American artists who were active in the early 20th century;  Jessie Willcox Smith, Violet Oakley and Elizabeth Shippen Green all had distinguished careers and continue to be inspirations for aspiring women artists today.  
From left to right: Elizabeth Shippen Green, Violet Oakley, Jessie Willcox Smith and Henrietta Cozens in their Chestnut Street studio (1901)   Smith and Green produced many illustrations for children's books as well as for some of the largest publications of the day including Scribner's, Collier's, Haper's, Ladies Home Journal and Good Housekeeping. Oakley became an accomplished muralist and spent a good part of her career painting murals for the Pennsylvania State Capital building.  
Mother and Child - Jessie Willcox Smith (1908)  
Youth and the Arts - Violet Oakley (1910-1911)   They were fortunate to have the support of their families to train as artists, which at the time, was one of a limited number of viable careers for young women to consider. The default "career" for most women was to become wives and mothers. Other possibilities included teaching, housekeeping and sewing but competition among women for these types of careers was fierce and wages were relatively low.  
The Journey - Elizabeth Shippen Green (1903)   Smith, Oakley and Green were also fortunate to start their careers near the turn of the 20th century when there was a large and growing demand for artists and illustrators to create pictures for popular books, periodicals and magazines.  While the opportunities for women artists were growing there were still systemic barriers in artist training including the prohibition of using live nudes in sketching classes.  These unfair customs were beginning to be challenged though by women artists surreptitiously taking turns at being the live nude model for the others.  
The Womens' Life Class - Alice Barber Stephens (1879)   The three women met while attending an illustration course at the Drexler Institute taught by Howard Pyle, an accomplished illustrator and writer famous for his creation of Robin Hood.  One day he assigned Smith and Oakley to work together on an illustration project and they discovered that they enjoyed working cooperatively which proved to be the spark for a lifetime of friendship and collaboration.  
The Genius of Art - Howard Pyle (c.1903)   Pyle was instrumental in getting  a commission for Violet and Jessie to illustrate the novel Evangeline by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow in 1897 and he urged the women to follow a  professional career path which would allow the full development of their artistic potential as well as provide them with financial independence.  Oakley and Smith became roommates with Green and a fourth woman, Henrietta Cozens, who wasn't an artist but who acted as a "wife" for the other three and took care of all domestic necessities.   From left to right: Elizabeth Shippen Green, Violet Oakley, Jessie Willcox Smith and Henrietta Cozens (ca.1901) Above - official publicity photo Below - moments after the above   They first lived together in a studio apartment in Philadelphia and later moved to a more spacious and tranquil location in the suburbs called The Red Rose Inn - which is how they acquired their nickname.  The four women were completely devoted to each other and made a vow to live together as a family forever - they even gave themselves a communal surname - Cogs - which represented the first letter of each of their maiden surnames. The communal family grew over time to include cats and a dog, Prince, and elderly members of Elizabeth's and Violet's family. .
Violet Oakley   The Red Rose Girls were much more than just artistic colleagues or friends; their communal family shared many characteristics with what was known at the time as a "Boston marriage", which was the term used to describe  unmarried women who lived together in supposedly asexual relationships, but which featured emotional intimacy and openly expressed passionate love.  Such romantic friendships were accepted by society because women were assumed to be asexual unless part of a heterosexual marriage; they were thus considered a suitable life choice for newly independent women who chose a career over a husband and children.  
Elizabeth Shippen Green and Jessie Willcox Smith (date unknown)  
Elizabeth Shippen Green, Jessie Willcox Smith, Violet Oakley at home (date unknown)   One can see evidence for the societal acceptance of Boston marriages in the late 19th and early 20th century by looking at the campus culture(s) at all-women universities of the time.  Officially sanctioned social activities prohibited men from attendance but encouraged the formation of strong emotional ties among the students.  The events were meant to be romantic affairs and any resulting infatuations between students evidently did not displease the young women, the university administrators nor the general public.  
Daisy Chain Procession At Vassar - Fay Poughkeepsie
  An article in the January 1985 periodical The Century entitled "Festivals in American Colleges for Women" describes one event at Smith College: "Looking down from the running-track on seven or eight hundred girls dancing together, one is struck by the almost theatrical effect of the swaying forms and bright colors against the background of lavish decoration with which the second class has tried to outdo the class above. Men are not missed, so well are their places filled by the assiduous sophomores. Each new girl is escorted to the gymnasium by her partner, who in addition to filling her dancing-card and sending her flowers, provides her with a "memrobil," sees that she meets the right person for each dance, entertains her during refreshments and escorts her home."  
Vassar Class Day on the Lawn  (1895)   Boston marriages were quite common among women faculty at women's universities and colleges in the late 1800s and early 1900s.  According to Lillian Faderman, of the 53 women faculty at Wellesley College in 1895 only one was married to a man and most of the rest were living with a woman.  
Promenade by Constant - Emile Troyon (c.1850)   Society's perceptions about the innocence and benevolence of romantic friendships between women slowly began to change, first in Europe and later in North America. Psychologists and sexologists started to look into the nature of women's romantic friendships and found that in many cases the women involved were not asexual and were instead having genital  sex with each other.  An article by Dr. Havelock Ellis in a 1902 issue of the Pacific Medical Journal warned that the crushes that young women developed in all-women colleges were increasingly showing signs of physical affection: "They kiss each other fondly on every occasion. They embrace each other with mutual satisfaction. It is most natural, in the interchange of visits, for them to sleep together. They learn the pleasure of direct contact, and in the course of their fondling they resort to cunnilinguistic practices. . . . After this a normal sex act fails to satisfy..."  
In Bed, The Kiss - Henri Toulouse-Letrec (1892)   The alarm of the researchers slowly seeped into the attitudes and perceptions of society and by the 1920s Boston marriages and romantic friendships between women were beginning to be regarded as likely places of "abnormal" and "deviant" sex.  The word lesbian began to be used to describe women who lived together and it was presumed that such relationships included sex.  
Alice Austen - The Darned Club,  October 29, 1891. (from left to right Alice, Trude Eccleston, Julia Marsh and Sue Ripley. (The name Darned Club was coined by local disrespectful men)   The Red Rose Girls were probably not aware of the gradual change of society's attitude about their communal family, and thus they probably saw nothing abnormal at all about their mutual affection, even if it did include sleeping together and having sex. The consensus of opinion seems to be that they likely were lovers in the contemporary sense but without the concrete recognition of it from society (either positive or negative). One can imagine that from their point of view their relationship(s) were a blissful state of  natural and normal love between women.  
The Kingdom of Heaven - Violet Oakley (1903)   Elizabeth, Violet, Jessie and Henrietta  were inspiring role models who showed how women could become professionally successful and financially independent through hard work and mutual support. They exemplified the "New Woman" movement of the time which was the term given to women who were educated, vocal, and increasingly free of oppressive social norms. They remain inspirations today for the same reasons but also for the example of their communal and romantic family, which in today's atmosphere of acceptance of alternative lifestyles, could be considered as a valid model  for many, if not most women.
  Life was Made for Love and Cheer - Elizabeth Shippen Green (1904) [depicts Green, Smith, Oakley and Cozens with friends and guests at the Red Rose Inn. Their St. Bernard, Prince is in the foreground.]  
from A Child's Garden of Verses - Jessie Willcox Smith (1905)  
Trio at Cogslea: Elizabeth Shippen Green, Henrietta Cozens, and Jessie Willcox Smith - Violet Oakley (unfinished)   References:
The Library - Elizabeth Shippen Green (1905)   The Red Rose Girls: An Uncommon Story of Art and Love - by Alice Walker
An excellent biography, highly recommended.

Boston Marriages: Romantic but Asexual Relationships Among Contemporary Lesbians by Esther D. Rothblum (Editor)
https://www.amazon.com/Boston-Marriages-Romantic-Relationships Contemproary/dp/0870238760

The Red Rose Girls -New Exhibit Documents Early 20th Century Trio of Women Artists,  an audio interview with author Alice Carter

#HerStory 11: The Red Rose Girls by Janet K Lee, a short podcast interview

“God-gifted girls”: The Rise of Women Illustrators in Late Nineteenth-Century Philadelphia by Patricia Smith Scanlan

Roses in January - January 9, 2012 blogpost in Wissahickon Schist:
Gardening in Northwest Philadelphia along the Wissahickon Watershed

AMERICAS FINEST: THE RED ROSE GIRLS (1863-1935) - February 23, 2013 blogpost in VICTORIAN MUSINGS


The Early Career of Violet Oakley, Illustrator by Bailey Van Hook
Woman's Art Journal, Vol. 30, No. 1 (Spring/Summer 2009), pp. 29-38

A Grand Vision: Violet Oakley and the American Renaissance

Red Rose Girls by Mark W. Sullivan, entry in The Encyclopedia of Greater Philadelphia

Howard Pyle, a blog by Iab Sschoenherr

Alice Austen House, The Darned Club

Boston Marriage

Red Rose Girls

Elizabeth Shippen Green

Jessie Willcox Smith

Violet Oakley

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My Sucky Family

So it has been eye opening to say the least...my mom was in the hospital for 2 weeks and had a heart cath and a valve replaced. She is home now and on oxygen and recovering nicely.  It was during this time that i became aware of how certain family members suck and how im treated by them-  1. My sister in law got mad at me for crying in my mom's room and for being frustrated with her. She is one of those Christian types who goes by faith and all she does is pray about everything...honestly annoying to those around who don't believe and full well know this.  2. I then try to ask for some space from her and she blows up at me. I thought we were fine until she goes to my brother because im being too blunt with her and no matter what i said to defend myself, he took up for her. So i apologized to keep things good between us as she is doing my laundry and my brother is bringing me to work.  3. Then while my sister was here, my sister in law felt the need to show off constantly and often talked to me like i knew nothing. They got mad when we went shopping and i didn't want stuff at the store we were at and got pissy about going to another store...my sister in law got mad because i didn't automatically agree with the fruits she wanted me to get.. 4. The whole time not one of them asked how i was doing and would get pissy when i wanted to see my mom in icu by myself. There church friends were more concerned about how they felt and not one mentioned me to see how i was doing..and i live with my mom... 5. My sister in law even went to our landlord about how our house is and no one told me until my landlord was bringing me to work that morning!  6. While we were waiting for my mom to get her surgery done, my sister in law was more concerned with going to see her friend who was in the same hospital and not once did she ask how i was doing that day. She was being very self absorbed and didn't really see how i was feeling... 7. Its after this that i don't even want to be around my sister in law as she is so fake and Thanksgiving/my birthday was hard enough. I went over on Thanksgiving for my mom because i knew she would want me to go with her.  8. Luckily i had great people at work and our landlord and friends of my mom who were there for me during all this.. After all this, i will be glad when my mom can drive and we can get back to normal..i knew there was a reason i didn't care for my sister in law and now i know for sure...  




Losing hope

It's nice to dream. It's nice to lay down and stare at the ceiling and think about how it will feel when her arms are wrapped around me, and my face is nestled in her neck, and her body is soft and warm against mine. I will feel safe and warm and loved and happy, and most importantly, I will feel myself.  Then thoughts of reality start. Small thoughts at first. Small thoughts that are causing the ground below us to slowly crack. Then the thoughts continue, more and more of them, until the small crack in the ground opens and get wider and wider until it's a giant crevice meaning she is out of my reach. Suddenly she's so far away from me, that I can no longer feel the warmth or the safety, and I am no longer myself.  Then I feel a fool for letting myself dream. 




Getting close...

It’s been a while since I updated. Y and I are physically getting closer each time we see one another. I’ve been learning how to do reiki. The other day we were doing our usual morning texts, which led into her asking if I could come over and do reiki on her chest. My heart skipped a little and I smiled. I texted her saying sure, but we all know more was going through my head. She said she would rub me in return.  Both of my sons were at school for the morning, so I went over to her house while her son waited for school.  While we were in the kitchen, she made sure her son was occupied in the other room. She leaned me over on the counter and started massaging softly, which gradually got harder.  I turned to look around because it took me by surprise.  “What’s wrong? Do you want to do this somewhere else?” She asked me. I shook my head no, stupid stupid stupid!  She began talking about her husband and how much she hates him lately. I just kept listening. She began using her fingertips down my spine. It felt like a thousand lightning bolts went straight down to my vagina. Oh. My. Lord. She was running her fingers down my arms, hips, upper legs. I was throbbing down there. My breathing was deeper and faster. I swear if she kept going another 5 minutes I would have orgasmed.  After a while she said her fingers were hurting (she has carpal tunnel) and needed a break. I told her she didn’t have to again if she was hurting.  You could cut the sexual tension with a knife. Wow. She kept looking at my chest right after that, and I kept smirking at her looking at her fingers. I didn’t have time to do reiki on her chest. Too bad, because any excuse to touch her chest again!  Is this what a woman’s touch feels like?! It feels so different than when my husband touches me. Because wow. And like she has done in the past, she became distant after this happened.  I’m so afraid to make a physical move. It’s way out of my comfort zone. What do you think? Is she making it obvious and giving me an opening to make a move? 





But before I go... Here are my songs again. Recorded and created this so I can share it with you. Here are some of my favorite that I did...     




My Second Visit Over There

Hello ladies, Wow I can't believe it's been a while since I've written a blog here. I didn't even blog about this past summer and the great time I had when netty was here visiting me with her daughter.  We went to the fireworks together, went to Itchatucknee springs and floated down the river, I had to work some but after the first week they were here I quit the job I was working at so I could spend the second week with them. Its okay I did get another job so it all worked out. After she left to go back home I was excited because I knew that 3 months later I would get to fly out to see her for the second time since we've been together. This time I would be with her on her birthday and also be celebrating our 4th year together. It's always a treat when I get to see her and spend time with her, but it was especially nice this time because I also got to visit my dog and the cats. I can't have pets here where I am so I just have to wait until I move over there to have my animals. When she met me at the airport this time with the dog in the car, he didn't know me and I had a hat on. He doesn't like men so I guess he must have thought I was a strange man and he growled at me and nipped at me, but once we got going down the road he was fine and when we got to the hotel he was fine. We got along just fine after we got settled into the room. Then we went into the village where she grew up and walked around places where she walked and played as a child. We also looked at the church she grew up going to. We didn't go inside because it was getting late. We went to a pub in the village and had a nice meal and drank some beer.  We stayed in a hotel just a little bit outside of the London area. We went into Cambridge on a Saturday, it was a nasty wet rainy day. It was also a bit chilly and I loved it because it was still boiling hot here in the deep south. We went shopping in Cambridge and we ate at this lovely place called Butch Annie's and it was one of the best hamburgers I have ever had. The meal was wonderful.  The next day on Sunday we went into Hyde Park London and walked the dog around and went to see Buckingham Palace. I can see why it would be so well guarded.  The Queen was home because the flag was flying. On the way to see Buckingham Palace we stopped along the way at a place called Kensington gardens? Hope I spelled that right, anyhow there are these ring necked parakeets that will fly down and land on you to eat seeds out of your hands. I wish I had known that because I would've brought some seeds with me to feed the birds. I also got to see where the Royal Mounted Regiment were housed, as well as visiting the Natural History Museum. We didn't have time to see all the sights of London but it was nice to just be there with netty. When I move over there I'm sure I will get to see more of London. As we were driving through the heart of the city I did get to take some great pictures of Westminster Abbey, big Ben, and the eye of London. I really wanted to go on that ferris wheel but we ran out of time. By the time it came for us to leave to go back to the hotel we were both very tired. We ate at a place called Toby Carvery, it reminded me of the Picadilly that we used to have back home here. The food was very good and hit the spot. Let me just say this, the food quality seems to be much better over there than it does here because it just seems like over here in the states the food industry wants people to eat out all the time and not fix healthy meals at home. There isn't as much sugar in some of the foods and drinks so I think once I'm living there that I will be able to drop off the pounds and exercise because netty and I will want to take time to enjoy each other's company and take the dog on long walks together. There are so many nice places we can go that aren't that far from where she lives.  Before we left Ashwell, that's the village, we were able to go inside the church and buy some books from the ladies who had had a book sale over the weekend in the church. We also bought some very yummy food from the bakery. Netty says she remembers getting nice pastries from there when she was growing up. After that netty took me up to a field where we could let the dog run for a bit while we looked for fossils on the ground. We found some very interesting rocks but I don't think we found any great fossils this time.  Then it was time for us to go home, where one day I will call it home too. It was a long ride but we made it home late. When we got there netty didn't have the proper key for the inside door, not the main door, but the inside door. We couldn't get in because the key was locked inside hanging up. Before she came to pick me up at the airport she was concerned about some water drainage at the back of the house outside so in her haste while checking on it she didn't think to grab the keys for the door and left them hanging. Since she was going to replace the door eventually, she decided to just muscle her way inside with the hammer. It worked and we were finally inside. Home Sweet Home away from Home. It's not easy being this far apart all the time, but now we at least have a goal in mind that by this summer sometime hopefully in July, we will get married, and then before the next summer, sometime in 2020, hopefully I'll be able to move over there and live. So many more things I could talk about what we did and where we went, but every time I'm with netty, we always try to do new things and make new memories. She showed me the three places she was thinking about for our wedding and I think we've narrowed it down and decided on one place. It will be beautiful there. Like I said I could write more about this visit, but tomorrow I'm working both jobs and I'm pretty tired right now so I'm going to wrap this up until the next time........   W.  





If you are highly sensitive and gets offended easily, do not read this post.  I think I have just about had it with liars and hypocrite. In the past 2 months I have learned so much about women and fake people. These people pretend to be your friend, pretend to 'care' (when actually I can see right through you but I give you benefit of the doubt). They abandon their own 'friend' when they were going through major hell and depression and suicide attempt but here to give advice and help other people go through it. What kind of person are you?  They pretend to be your friend and listen to all your crap and when they decide that they don't like you they tell people your personal matters that you shared only with them. When they decided/realize oh you're not so bad after all, I wanna be friends with you again, they pretend to be nice to you and be your 'friend' when all along without you knowing it they have been talking shit about you and telling other people how much they do not like you and the things you do. Fucking ridiculous.  I just can't believe how many fake people I have met in a very short period of time. It is also super super scary to know how these people think suicide/suicide attempts/suicidal thoughts are jokes. I tell you, if I am not as strong as I am, I would be long gone and you would've been a part of the reason why. But luckily I am strong. But for those people who are not? What happens to them?    Just so fucking ridiculous how people can be so damn fake. Time to stop. End of rant. 




Malaysia - Tanah Tumpahnya Darahku

I thought I'd share some videos of my beautiful country, Malaysia. We don't only have some of the most beautiful islands in the world, we have the beautiful Petronas Twin Towers in the city of Kuala Lumpur, where I live I am sharing one of my favorite tvc of Malaysia and few other videos. I used to work promoting Malaysia to the world back when I working in the media world. How I miss those days. These videos bring back memories.         Okay here's a video about some of the food we have here. But eh I don't even know what number 2 is lol. By the way, we have restaurants too. Haha. Also I shouldn't be watching food video at 2am. Oh my days.