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So...many years ago I was hanging out after a choir concert with my former bestie and he had a few of his friends ride with us..
So we start talking and I don't remember what I said exactly, but the next thing out of his mouth was something along the lines of stopping my lesbian bitching or something.
I was shocked- I about crapped myself....so we get to the restaurant and we are sitting there and I'm fine and I'm just not really saying anything and so we go to his car and
Drop his friend of at her car and we get going and I'm still being quiet and he knew I was pissed. So as he's driving, he starts apologizing and said he got caught up in the
Moment and I forgave him because that wasnt something he would go around and broadcast.... And the rest of the time we were friends, he never did it again
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I found shys on a random google search one evening and was soon hooked. I had finally found a place where I could be open about my emotions for the first time in my life! It’s liberating!
I have connected with some of the most amazing people who have made me open up (something I really wasn’t used to), they’ve listened to me on my down days (there have been many). We’ve laughed and shared stories and experiences, and every single interaction has made a huge difference to my life and how I’ve handled things along the way. I can’t thank you enough for taking the time to listen to me pouring my heart out even when you had your own problems to deal with so for that I am eternally grateful.
One unique lady became very special to me early on. I felt that magnetic pull towards her and I wasn’t sure what or why I felt that strongly, but I did. We hit it off quickly. So much in common, the same interests and desires. Everything just clicked into place. She was all I could think about. We messaged every day and grew closer and closer.
We were both open with our husbands, but sadly, they both became very insecure with our connection, which, to be fair, was stronger than either of us had ever experienced before, although we never told them how strong, I guess they could tell. As much as we love our husbands, we grew to love each other too and it consumed and scared us both. Despite their insecurities we had to see each other, with their consent, never crossing the line, and sticking to the firm boundaries that husbands had set. If you were hoping for a raunchy shys story, this isn’t it. It was however, the most romantic and loving relationship I’ve ever experienced with anyone before and I’m fortunate enough to have a best friend at the end of it too.
It’s been 11 months since our first messages and we’ve become so close, even if friendship is all we can have. The connection we made is unique and special and I’m a better person when I’m with her. I’m forever grateful to this place for making that possible.
So while her husband can’t bear the thought of her being with anyone else, mine is coming around to the idea. The journey I’ve been on with my marriage is a post for another time but he has been truly amazing and in an odd way it’s brought us closer. Lots of communication and trial and error, which has been really hard at times. In the end it all comes down to one simple but crucial point….that he must always feel like he’s my number one priority above anyone else. I neglected him at times and I see that now. He accepts I may have relationships with other women if the opportunity presents itself, as long as he never feels like second best. Sounds simple enough right?? I thought so until I fell in love with a woman. It’s…..intense! I have so much to learn.
So this is where I am now, a year later. I finally accepted who I am, I’ve dipped my toes in a world I was afraid of for a long time and found I’m quite at home here. I just need to figure out what I want, and I'm working a little harder on my marriage because he really is an incredible man.
Right now this is just a big thank you to the people who set up this wonderful site and allowed a highly supressed bisexual to express herself in ways she never thought possible. I hope it helps others too.
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I have no idea what I am about to to talk about in the blog post. But I would first like to thank whoever invented the software that corrects spelling, it has saved this girl on more than one occasion. ( I just misspelled occasion, I am going to auto correct so no one would be the wiser, just to let ya'll know I was spelling with two s's instead of one). Don't get me started on how I really butchered the word philosophical.
So lets begin, I would just like to know, who in the heck in America, decided we would park in a driveway and drive on a parkway? Seriously? I am going with the obvious that this must have been some man joke, you know, hey Bob, wouldn't it be so funny if we just switched the meanings of parkway and driveway and really screw up with people, yes Frank that would be funny as heck ( Insert a jolly old laugh from both Bob and Frank). These are the things that go through my mind in the wee hours of the morning when I am unable to sleep. I know its really really sad and yes I am aware that google more than likely has the answer, but I like to think Bob and Frank are still chuckling about how this fantastic joke stuck.
I also would like to discuss Ice Cream. Now I believe the besides being its own food group ( or should be) that ice cream was designed for several things in particular. It seems it is the ultimate comfort food for many, not all, but tons of people turn to ice cream in crisis. Say, you just broke up with your BF or GF hell this is Bi site lets go crazy, you just broke up with your BF and GF or they broke up with you,, what do you do, 1. Call your BFF 2. She/He shows up with wine and ice cream, I am pretty sure it is in the Best Friend Handbook, when said best friend calls crying ( especially about a break up) you must go to them immediately with wine and ice cream in hand. Also, ice cream is the extra good to help ladies during their time of the month, you go to the freezer see a pint of ice cream take it out get a bowl but notice it's almost empty, so instead of dirtying up a bowl , you just grab a spoon and scoop it right from the carton and into your ice cream hole. I believe it tastes best during the flowing days and also you can feel like a complete bad ass rebel who doesn't need know stinking bowl!
Anybody out there like rainy days? Oh I do, I love a wet rainy stormy day/night, but not like severe weather, nothing tornadic (red googly lines have to stay software on here doesn't show tornadic as a word). I find rain to be so pleasant and refreshing like, washing away all the old stuff to be replaced with new stuff. With rain you can use all your senses, you can touch feel it on your skin, face, lips, you can hear it, most certainly smell it, see it of course and lastly but not least you can taste it, just go outside and tilt your head back and open your mouth and taste the rain ( sure that isn't weird for a grown up to do that *shifts eyes**) I do not know what the love affair is with rain, but I a certain it has to do with my mother, just kidding, I mean my child hood. Played in the rain so many times, it was so much fun to ride your bike and feel the rain and wind on your face, making sure you hit every puddle you could find on the way home, feeling the water splash up on your legs; sure you got soaked to the bone but it was so worth it. Now when it rains, I just love to listen watch it and smell it; I admit it makes me feel nostalgic and oh so sleepy. But its still extra wonderful when it rains.
I think that is all for this installment, I hope it wasn't to boring and if you think I am insane well, please don't tell anyone LOL . I am off to try and see if sleep is real or some made up thing people like to say they get, it better be real or I will be back and typing my nonsense up for everyone to read. I know what your thinking, I really hope she finds sleep.....
I'm tired of the way you make me feel. I 'm tired of the ups and downs and the way you play with my emotions. I'm tired of you being a controlling narcissist and getting mad or suspicious any time I do something. I'm tired of being married to my dad.
I grew up with an angry dad and he taught me how to repress my feelings and bottle up my emotions. He was always angry and the littlest things would set him off. I learned how to walk on eggshells at a young age. The abuse was never physical from him, it was all mental, verbal, and emotional. My dad had a way of making us feel stupid and insignificant with just a look or a phrase. I grew up knowing I'd never be good enough, I grew up knowing I'd always be lacking in some way. I learned to tune out the yelling, I built walls around my cold, hardened heart to keep the hurt out, my humor became cynical like his, I learned to turn off my emotions, and I learned to accept and also expect disappointment from people in my life. His cheating and affairs made me angrier and so full of hate and resentment. I grew up hurting and angry...and then I met you.
You made me smile and tore down my walls and defenses. You accepted me and my flaws with open arms, and you made me want to be a better person. I couldn't believe you were real or that you had fallen for me. You took care of me and held me at night, listened to me when I needed a friend...you genuinely cared. I loved showing you off and bragging on you to my friends because you treated me well and you were so respectful and sweet to me. I woke up smiling and went to bed snuggled in your arms. My heart was so full of love that I thought it was going to explode on a daily basis. You made me feel again....you made me want to feel again. You made me feel confident and strong and beautiful and loved. You made me feel smart and special and loved doing anything and everything with me....I felt like I could conquer the world with you by my side. You made me feel whole.
Then I lost you.
Physically you sit here across the room from me, snoring as you nap on the couch. The laughter and smiles have become fewer, and the arguments and degradation have become the norm. Those dark feelings of insecurity and unworthiness have started creeping up on me, waiting to once again become a part of me. My heart is gradually turning to stone as I write these words, and the bricks are being laid in a circle around it. My emotions are as drained as the Tequila bottle on the counter, and part of me has begun to disappear. That woman in the mirror? She's flawed, her imperfections are too many to name. She talks too much, she's too trusting, she gets zits and needs to lose weight and she never does anything right. You remind me with your words that I didn't do something right, you remind me with your actions that I'm not enough. "If I were enough for him, he'd want to be intimate with me once in awhile." Says the woman in the mirror. I try to fight the hurt and despair, but it follows me everywhere. I am tired of this battle. I am tired of always being wrong and feeling insignificant. I am tired of trying only to be crushed and hurt. I sometimes catch a glimpse of the man I married, the man you used to always be. But sometimes isn't enough...sometimes doesn't make me feel like you used to.
I sit here and shut down my feelings, I only feel hurt and confusion. I look at you as I feel my heart harden and the wall continue to go up. I will not let anyone hurt me anymore. I will not be vulnerable to you, even if it means I have to shut down completely. The dark feelings cover me like a blanket and suddenly I feel nothing at all. I'm becoming numb to feeling and I'm okay with that. I'd rather feel nothing at all if my other options are hurt and confusion. I can be comfortable being numb. I light my cigarette and let the feeling of feeling fade away. I feel a little cold inside, but it beats the way you made me feel. I tried so many times to tell you and each time was less important to you, I was less important. With each puff of smoke I notice the numbness growing inside me and it feels so familiar, like going home after a long vacation. I welcome the numbness and let it cover me completely like a blanket. I snuggle in and get comfortable with it, I think it is here to stay this time.
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I feel like I'm playing with fire,
I fear getting burned,
You would think with all of Life's Lessons,
I would have finally learned...
No matter how you fight it,
Your Heart will always win,
Dubbing you the Jester,
Love's Fool once again...
Though I play coy,
Keep my secret close to the chest,
my hand can't hide the blood
seeping from my vest,
leaking through numbed fingertips,
I curse the arrow that felled me as I fall
I swear on my ill fate,
If I do not find "Her" here I will not Love at All.
But even as I let the lie fall from my cold lips,
I already know it is untrue,
For to know True Love ever,
It always must start with "You".
And even as I fight it,
I know there is no other way,
Resign to Fate,
To Meet Your Mate,
Or go on to suffer forever and a day.
The "Her" I seek has worn a thousand faces,
Has baited with a seductive smile,
Driven Men to their Ruin,
Made many a Maiden run wild.
But they were all pretenders,
They could never claim her throne,
And so here I sit in silence,
Without a Queen to call my own.
Maybe it is I've been deceived,
and I have her after all.
The Queen of Hearts makes merry feast,
Finding sport in watching me stumble,
Delighting in my Fall.
Finally I hit the floor.
The wind all but knocked out,
crimson comes gushing forth,
as pretty drivel leaves my mouth.
I hate myself, I hate this actor I've become,
When all I want is something real, something true,
Someone to whom I can depend on.
A gentle hand, a soft touch,
a voice I cannot quite hear,
leans in extra close,
and whispers in my ear.
My foggy brain cannot comprehend,
What is this place? Why am I here?
Was I not just Dead?
Open eyes to go blind,
The light so bright it burns,
But after a spell, all is well,
And I can see, that it is "She"
for me she has returned.
Her form is luminescent,
An Angel could not compare,
So immaculate in it's conception,
A mere mortals eyes cannot fair,
Gaze instantly shifted,
I cannot help but look away.
But happy am I, she is more than a dream.
"Go Back!" Echoes in my brain,
And I begin to SCREAM!
The pain ghosts off my skin
As once again I sit upright in bed,
Wondering what was up with this 'vision'
This would be soulmate in my head.
I sit there watching the dappled sunlight
play across the covers
Fully at peace, to wonder if the "She"
the one for me, is mere fantasy,
Or really out there, somewhere,
waiting for me to discover.
So I am still here, well in body anyway but taking all my strength to keep my sanity. I don't speak to anyone other than a polite good mor ning and sometimes not that if I can avoid it. I do keep my eyes open though having worked with the anti social behaviour team in case I can get that all important video evidence and I keep a diary. One of the things I had noticed is that the main perp, the most biphobic and loudest seems to have connections in the local gay community, so that her game now appears to be to try and hurt me in that way but as I have not ventured on the gay scene for decades this is not really gonna affect me. I have only picked this up from observations as I go about my business. It proves just how much she talks about me and the different strangers to me that she gossips to. It's horrible really to be vilified in this way and totally unjust. Of course there has to be something at the root of all this and what is it they say is the root of all evil? That says more about them than it does me.
In the meantime, me? I am physically and mentally exhausted. I don't know what the answer is, they can label me what they want but if I ain't feeling it I ain't gonna do it. Why should I? Just to please them? I don't think so. I ain't making any major life decisions until I am absolutely sure of how I am feeling and until I feel ready. The main thing I want now is peace and quiet and to be allowed to go about my legitimate legal business without having other people impose themselves on me and try to run my life.
The more they do that the more I will run in the other direction.
Sometimes I am afraid.
I'm afraid that if I take the plunge I will never want to come back.
I'm afraid to die with regret that I never explored beyond normalcy. That I never took a chance, and was never adventurous.
I'm afraid of losing everything I hold dear for a mistake.
I'm afraid to step out of my comfort zone. Afraid to be wrong about myself. Afraid to be judged.
I'm afraid to risk the perfectly happy bubble I live in. Afraid to offset the balance and comfort I have created. Why seek something more if I am perfectly content as is? Why risk this pleasant life?
There hasn't been much happening over here. I have been chatting every now and then and browsing apps like Her and Tinder. I matched with a couple of woman, but I still haven't clicked with any of them. It seems like most people are either looking for just friendship or just sex. I'm open to making new friends, but I am not interesting in a purely sexual relationship with anyone.
Hubby and I also talked a little, and he still wants to be involved. Maybe she would be our friend with benefits... Or maybe she would be a girlfriend. I really don't know yet. He has also mentioned twice that he has a friend who is bi. I met her once, but I don't know... I guess we would have to all meet up and see how it goes.
I don't have a problem with him being involved, but I don't think I am going to find someone who is interested in both of us. We'll see. I guess he doesn't have a problem with it being just me and her at first. We'll have to talk more so I can fully understand how he's feeling. I just don't know if I should do it now or wait to see if I can even if I can even find someone.
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Oh how I wish I could converse with you Em
Sit opposite you and intertwine our fingers, and have out hearts beat in sync
To see your pupils dilate, to hear your breathe, to smell the pheromones
Oh how I wish we could talk
Talk of our parents... dive right in to your brain
Your ability to know without speaking
Discuss our past, and present without a care for the future
Oh how I wish we could talk
In each others presence
And delicious awareness
Oh how I want to touch you on all levels
To hear you whisper my name
To curl up in your arms
To wipe away my tears
Oh how I wish we could talk Em
I really want to see how much you have grown
And show you how much I have been set free
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It all began back in 2009 when I found this site, I hid it from my hubby for two days. Then confessed all, which forced me to make my first comment on my sexuality - that at the time I was definitely bi curious. After arranging to meet up with some of the more local friends I'd made on here. I went along to my first BiFest in Birmingham, that day after listening to everyone else and being able to freely discuss my thoughts and feelings I realised that yes I was in fact BISEXUAL all along. I started to come out to people who were the very close near and dear, but hubby asked me to be discreet, as he didn't want bitch fit waves started in his family. I respected that, wasn't too happy about it but I understood and went along with it for him, especially as he was open and supportive in every other way.
I became like a teenager again, exploring online dating, discovering bi nights at swingers clubs - great for the more casual itch scratching with no strings and you can lock the men out! Even figured out I'd been harbouring BDSM leanings too, whole new discovery path of joy that has been.
Went on my first two dates ever, with girls I'd met on dating sites. Both separately turned into short term casual involvements. The first a lovely lesbian lady who isn't bifobic, and I'm still friends with even now. The second was a short lived relationship of sorts, still not 100% on what went wrong but it was fun while it lasted. Not to mention a string a casual making up for lost time action here and there, with casual involvements. Every year attending pride and loving that I could be 100% open for one day and not care who knew.
I even came out to my son, who has been hugely supportive from a young age. He sees no issue at all with my sexuality or relationship choices - I'm so lucky.
Then a good year or two of not much, after the short lived serious involvement. A new dating app for girls came along, and I found my current gf. We've been together a year and a half ish now. And so much has changed, hubby eventually told some of his family - which I'm certain lead to his dad feeling comfortable enough to finally out himself too. I still don't dance naked shouting from the roof tops, but I am more myself and don't have to always make excuses anymore - which is way more comfortable for me. And means I can be fairly openly public with my sexuality, my neighbours being the last nosy fuckers who gossip and could do damage being left really.
So that brings me to now. Where I think I'm approaching the edges of splits ville with the gf, more recently I've realised bits of us as a couple are really unhealthy, toxic even. I knew from the start we wouldn't last forever, as I was her first ... but I guess it's a watch this space and see how it goes.
Warning: Potential Spoilers Below!!
When I learned that this was a Charlize Theoren movie I made plans to see it as soon as possible, and I did this past weekend. I loved her as Furiosa in Mad Max: Fury Road and I was expecting her to portray a cold, tough badass spy, like a female version of John Wick crossed with James Bond. She fulfilled those expectations brilliantly and her character, Lorraine Broughton, will become an icon for feminist badassery.
Earlier this summer I was slightly disappointed that Wonder Woman had to be surrounded by helpful males in her quest to save the world. I was delighted to see that Lorraine didn't require male sidekicks; she is cunning, ruthless, relentless and fully capable to complete her missions on her own.
I was expecting her to have a sexual relationship with another woman at some point during the movie but I was surprised by how it was portrayed. Her sexuality is vague with a suggestion of her being involved in the past with a male spy so when she gets involved with Delphine Lasalle (portrayed by Sofia Boutella), a French spy, we can conclude that she is bi-sexual, but sexual identities are never mentioned. Their attraction, and subsequent pleasure with each other is shown as unfolding naturally without the need for labels.
The relationship between Lorraine and Delphine is more than raw passion and we see moments of vulnerability and tenderness unlike anything that we usually see between a conventional heterosexual couple in action movies. As this romantic sub-plot was being developed I found myself silently cheering them on and I fervently hoped the movie was about to undergo a radical genre change halfway through from action to romance (my hopeless romantic self being fully engaged) but alas, my hope went from full to less, as it usually does.
Still I'm very encouraged by the way their relationship was developed and I see it as a very positive step towards fully normalizing attraction, love and sex between women on the big screen, and in our society. I really wanted and wished for a happy romantic ending in the movie but sadly that wasn't in the cards this time, perhaps I'll get that wish in a future movie (#HopelessRomantic).
At the end of October the hubby and I will be making our yearly trip to a long time stomping ground. We make the trip at least once a year. This year though I am very excited, as I have lost a bit of weight so I have a bit more options in what I can wear while there and since it will be during Halloween I get to wear a sexier costume too.
The only thing that is making me nervous is an incident that happened last year. We like to go into gentleman clubs(strip clubs) and have a bit of fun watching/talking to the dancers. Well last year my husband was drugged in a club there. We only had one or two small drinks prior to going in. The dancers were not my type so we didn't plan on staying long. My hubby asked for a drink as I sat in front of a stage talking with a dancer. She was trying to distract me by dancing on me and when that didn't work, she lifted my shirt/bra up and bit me on the left breast. Not a sexy bite either. She bit the hell out of me. Needless to say, I got up and told the hubbs we were leaving. When we made it outside he fell to the ground and couldn't get up by himself. Then he felt like he'd been paralyzed. He could barely talk. It took me an hour and a half to carry him (6'4"tall 300lbs) to our hotel that was only a few blocks away. It was scary and horrifying for us both. So that is stuck in my mind as I make our plans for this trip. Like I said, I am really excited to go but it makes me afraid to have even one drink while we're there and I'm worried about going to any strip clubs. This really sucks. :( I enjoy a nice romp with the dancers.
Felix D’Eon is a gay Mexican artist who re-imagines history through a same-sex filter and captures romance in a style that appears authentically historic. His work exudes a joyfulness and playfulness that invites the viewer to re-imagine history along with him.
"I view it all as form of propaganda, a tool to normalize something that has been seen as deviant and outlaw for so long, and to capture a language of love and nostalgia for the gay community that has always been denied us."
Reclaiming Gay History With Felix D’Eon http://www.huffingtonpost.com/wes-hurley/post_9728_b_7777282.html
Felix D'Eon website: http://felixdeon.com
Ok here goes
I met this lady at a festival and we have been friends for two years now. She has also stayed at our home with others. Nothing has ever happened between us apart from the usual banter (Dh saying things like he normally does ) while sitting around the fire. I had just put snapchat on my phone as Ds1 was on it all the time. So I asked if I could add them, loads of banter between us all on a group chat
This time she was down it seemed she was flirting a little bit. We carried on chatting in the group snapchat. I messaged her and we have been chatting about everything, sending silly photos. I even told her about me admitting to my niece that I'm bisexual. I thought she already new, she took it well.
I am working nights from Friday so the night before I stay up till about 3 am then sleep in the day. She has offered to keep me company by phone for as long as she can stay awake.
I am hoping that she would like something to happen between us and be more than friends . I needed to write it down as I don't want to say much to Dh yet. He is so supportive with everything and I will tell him before anything starts but I just need to know from her that she wants me. I hope it will happen but if it doesn't I still have an amazing friend forever.
We had an amazing time at the festival, some nights we stayed up till 5am just talking. One night we got to go back to her tent and spend time alone ;D she made feel amazing. It's been two weeks and talk every day. She is the one for me. I am so happy that she chose me.
I think I managed about two hours sleep every night and a few naps in the afternoon.
Dh is amazing, he is the most supportive man and he has my heart. I love him more than words can say.
Thank you for reading
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Today was the day I deleted my tinder. I have had it for a month or so now and decided to delete it. I have had no luck in my area and the people I did match with couldn't hold a conversation.
Not giving up that hope but it is really hard out there lol thank goodness this site is here so I don't go too crazy
Well ladies what can I say, she's amazing. I have had another wonderful two weeks with netty. She brought her daughter with her again to visit me and my family. It was more than amazing, it was awesome.
You'd think that with her daughter being here we wouldn't have quality time to attend to our physical cravings for each other, but both of us were so pleased that we had more than enough quality time than we thought we'd even get to have. Every time we are able to be alone, it just keeps getting better and better. When you are so in love and have such a great chemistry on all levels, it makes the sex so much more meaningful. For us it is a very passionate time and very intense time of making love. She satisfies me like no one ever has, and I had a very good sex life with both of my ex husbands. Lesbian sex has no comparison at all. We could've kept going our last night together, but we had to be up early so I could get her to the airport on time. This time I had to drive over two hours to get her there.
The things she does to me there are really no words to describe only the feeling of being taken to another planet where time and space disappears and only pure pleasure is experienced. We had many wonderful encounters and I just love giving her pleasure as well. There's nothing more satisfying than being able to bring her to multiple orgasms that are intense and ongoing, and there's nothing more satisfying than also being brought to that same place by her.
As I'm writing this the weather has been bad and she was not able to take off so when it looked like she'd finally be able to take off, the plane was brought back off the runway because they had to fix something that had mechanically gone wrong, which in and of itself is a scary thought. She's still sitting on the plane as I write this and I'm back home waiting to hear from her. They may get her to her connection flight but she won't be flying out on that one tonight. Her daughter is hungry and very upset because there's no proper food on the plane. I sure hope they can at least fly out tonight and get to her connection flight airport so they can get something decent to eat. I wish I were there on that plane with her right now to hold her and to comfort her daughter.
I feel like this trip we gelled more as a family and I got to know her daughter better. We had quite a few new adventures and hope to be able to do some of the same things next summer. I also hope that my daughter and I can fly out to see her next summer as well.
If I can somehow manage to raise the funds to book a flight over for her birthday in October, I'll get to see her, but if not it will be another long and painful 8 months of waiting. Parting is getting harder and harder because we both just want to get our lives started together. When she's here we get a taste of what that feels like and that's what makes it so hard on both of us.
I have not yet shed my tears yet, but I'm sure they will come when I least expect them to. Coming home to my house after her being here for two weeks is always hard because I've gotten used to her being here and now she's not here and I will be sleeping in my bed alone tonight thinking of the night before when we had such a passionate time of making love. She's left a few things here so when I see them it reminds me of her and that she was here with me.
I wish she could've stayed longer but it's hard on her daughter because she misses her daddy and her animals. I can't wait for that day when I will fly out to go and live with her in less than two years time. My daughter is a Junior in high school this year and when she graduates high school next year, I will be making my journey over there to be with her and start our home together. We hope that we can get married next summer when I go over there to visit her, then we can finally call each other wife. It's harder on her than on me because she craves my touch and to touch me and we both love making out with each other and I miss that.
Long distance relationships are not easy, but when you have that special person, it's worth it in the long run if you know you're going to eventually be together forever. I'm thankful for skype but skype sex just isn't the same. I'd much rather have her hands on me than my own and I know she feels the same way. It's harder for her to do it than me but because she loves me, she settles for what we can get because she knows that it pleases me. I don't like it but we do what we have to do to stay connected and at least we're able to do that.
Neither one of us like having to satisfy our own selves through skype sessions but we don't really have any other options until I can be with her. I love her so much and I'm very sad as I write this because I miss her so damn much. My kids do too and my middle daughter was hugging her last night asking her not to go, knowing that she has to go because she has a job and her daughter and her animals. I'm moving to be with her because her daughter is too young to move over here so it will be easier for me to go over there. I can't wait until the next time I get to hold her in my arms and snuggle with her in bed and just be in her company.
Until next time........
This year's "Big Bi Tweet" for Bi Visibility Day has launched! Anyone can join in and help #BiPride and #BiVisibilityDay trend again this September 23rd.If you've never heard of it - September 23rd has been marked as Bi Visibility Day, also known as International Celebrate Bisexuality Day, since 1999. It's a great excuse to talk about both bisexuality and the effects of biphobia.In recent years its grown and grown. Barack Obama's White House held receptions to talk about bi people's issues from 2013-2016. Sadly that's probably not going to be continued by the Trump administration (now I stop and think what The Donald might tweet about it I'd probably rather they ignore it!)The UK government has issued messages of support for the past few years too.Bi and bi-friendly groups organise events, town halls issue proclamations and the like. Last year Leeds City Hall even got lit up in purple to mark the day while many public buildings fly the pink, purple and blue bi flag.
This post is going to be far different and more ugly than my last post.
I let some friends of mine know how I'm struggling right now. These are online friends, I still haven't had the guts to let people who see in person how hard I'm struggling. How hard it is to keep going. A part of me wants to hide it from them. Another part doesn't want them to think I want attention. But mainly, I don't want them to worry about me, they have enough to worry about and me not adding more stress for them.
Today I got hit hard again. Right now I should be freaking out, but it's like I don't give a fuck what happens. I want to give up, to lie down and stop trying. I want to just end it all. However, I can't do it. I can't leave my sister who just had her baby. The thought of hurting her kills me. The thought of hurting my mom, my other sister and my niece is unbearable. Plus I was raised as a Christian, so the thought of going to Hell, makes me afraid. I'm trying to pull myself up from this hole I've put myself in. It's hard, very hard. I signed up on a depression forum. I still haven't posted anything on there.
Maybe this blog post is just me trying to reach out. Maybe I'm not actually as much done as I think I am. I'm scared at the fact that I'm not freaking out right now like I should be. I'm scared of this emptiness that is inside of me. I'm just scared...
Today is the last day of my medical break after surgery. It's officially been 6 weeks since I was sliced open and I am considered fully healed. I feel good and am ready to return to work. With everything going on with these stupid neighbors, I'm actually looking forward to going back to work. I'm hoping that when I'm not in my home, feeling trapped, all day maybe i can STOP thinking about these stupid people and this fucked up situation, even for just a few hours a day.
Speaking of neighbors and this stupid situation...I think we have a long term solution figured out and things are moving forward. My mother in law is getting up there in age and owns her home, just a mile down the road from mine. It's a 3 bedroom home with a basement. She's a single woman who lives alone with her cat (I'll have to tell the story of her and this cat sometime, it's adorable). She has been telling my husband for years that she's ready to start downsizing, the upkeep on the house is getting to be too much for her. She's had a knee replacement, I think both hips replaced, her body is not in any condition to be raking leaves or shoveling snow any longer. Well after we were forced to move back home from that other rental, we started looking for another solution. Besides the neighbors and this stupid shared driveway, we're over the house. Yes it is my home, I married here, I was pregnant here, I brought my son home to this house. We've lived and loved for almost 14 years in this house. But it doesn't fit anymore. It's too big, much bigger than we need. And we don't have any yard to speak of, which is a nuisance. It's a small yard, not nothing, just too small to enjoy. When I was a young mom and had a baby to follow around, it was perfect. Now I have a 9 year old who needs more room. There are only 3 of us, but it's an 1800 Sq Ft 4 bedroom 2 bath house, with a full basement. And my husband needs a garage. I have a list of furniture I'm waiting for him to build me, he has all the tools, but not the room. Building furniture in the basement complicates things. So my mother in law offered us whatever help she could to get us out of this house. First we asked her to purchase an investment property (She has the money and credit to do so) and let us move into it. That way we could rent it from her and have a place to stay, while working on improving the property to sell for her to make a profit on when the time came for us to move on. She readily agreed and immediately made an appointment at the bank to speak with someone about how to go about it. My husband and I actually have excellent credit, both of our scores are over 770. I bust my butt to keep our credit scores high. But unfortunately he lost his job last week and my income alone is not enough to get us approved for anything. Which is why we asked for her help, because if she was our landlord we won't need credit and job checks. My husband finding work will not be a problem at all, but no one will finance you unless you've been at a job for a set amount of time, which we don't have. We want out of this house and to put it up for sale while the peak in the market is still hot. So after some discussion with the bank there were a few options put on the table.
One option was that my mother in law could take a second mortgage on her home (Almost paid off) and finance a loan for a house, but there were rules that required she live there so it wasn't really an option. We aren't asking her to reach into her retirement and pay for a home in cash, so we looked at other option. One being she move into a smaller place in her effort to downsize, and we move into her home. We all let that sit for a couple weeks and after some discussion decided that, if she was ready, this was the way to go. It stopped anyone from having to take nay type of financing. It moves her forward in her effort to downsize, while not getting rid of her house. It allows us out of our place and puts s into a home we know the history of. So she started looking for places that would fit her needs, and that's where we were. So my mother in law called my husband yesterday and said she'd found a duplex that she wanted to go have a look at, so they went. By the time he came home he was saying she had already filled out an application, and I don't see a reason her application would be denied. We had a realtor come look at our home last week and he sees no reason we shouldn't be able to expect an offer to at least allow us to break even, we'll meet with him again Wednesday to discuss the CMA he did for us.
So....my mother in law is probably soon moving into a duplex and we will be moving into her home. This will give us some time to figure out our next move (We'd like to leave Michigan), and give her a chance to try living somewhere smaller while still giving her the option to keep her home to come back to her home if after some time she decides she doesn't like the downsized place. I am very, very grateful that she is willing to help us and that instead of it just being a benefit to us it's a benefit to her as well. She doesn't have to sell her home, or put in strangers as renters.
I can't wait. I can't wait to get out of this house. I'm over it. There are more stories too long too tell that have to do with being lied to and let down by another neighbor a couple houses down over this whole situation. Someone we have considered family for the last 13 years and she just turned her back on us without thinking twice about it. After that, it's not just my house I've outgrown. My neighborhood is broken. It doesn't feel like a little neighborhood family anymore like it always did before. Add up all the reasons and it's time to move on and I'm so grateful that my mother in law is willing to help and provide us this option. It's so perfect, keeping us in the same area so that the 9 year old can stay at the same school. No need for employment checks to worry about. It's a smaller home, with a garage, and NO SHARED DRIVEWAY. Fenced in back yard and on a side street. It's close enough that my son may even be able to ride his bike to school since there are no major roadways to cross. And one big change I'm looking forward to it leaving my son home alone. He's a relatively mature 9 year old and I actually believe he is capable of being left home alone, for short periods of time. For instance if he gets out of school at 3:30 and goes home, and I don't get home until 5:30 or 6, I'd be okay with him being home alone. The law in our state doesn't dictate a specific age which means he's legally allowed and I'm confident he's responsible enough for a short time. However with these people next door harassing and threatening us, I never felt safe trying it. I don't like the idea that they might know he's here alone, and since I have caught them doing it I know they spy on my house. We just never felt like it was a good time to try it. But now I think we will be able to.
Lots of changes happening, and hubby is on the lookout for work. 2 moves happening soon, by the time I get back to work tomorrow the Christmas season will have already started and that will mean busy all the time. I've been fighting off this major depression that has been creeping in because of this living situation since last September when it all started. I am so much looking forward to being able to feel relaxed in my own home, and garden and use my yard again. Things are finally starting to look up!
.so lately I have been doing a lot of thinking and one thing I am realizing is that in order to be myself and embrace all of me, I need to be accepting of my sexuality and not expect others to accept it...this is all because i have started reading the warrior goddess training book and applying it like someone would a bible study. It's because of this that i need to explore my bi side and let it develop into what it will...for me that means posting here more, liking things i like and starting a bisexual album on instagram.
On another note, the other night my mom and i were talking about a game we play and she was telling me about an lgbt group the game has and that had not happened and may seen small, but i think we are moving in the right direction...its like i start working on accepting myself more and other little things pop up ..
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It's the weirdest thing, but I don't cry when I'm sober.
Like...at all. Even when loved ones die. At least not genuinely.
I recognize that crying is a normal expression of emotion, but fuck if I'm subconsciously willing to do it without a few good slugs in me.
I just spent two hours with my eyes leaking. I don't know why I felt the compulsion to do it, but for whatever reason, I drank myself to a point where tears could flow freely. Now the head hurts a little, but the soul feels a little lighter.
There's nothing to talk about. No grand declaration of sorrow or stress.
I woke up feeling anxious. Worked all day with a feeling of anxiety. Came home, had several drinks, cried my eyes out at made up sob scenarios in my mind. Now I feel better.
Am I gonna talk it out with someone? Fuck no. Keep a stiff upper lip, soldier on, and never let them see you cry. Just cuz it's normal and natural, doesn't mean you have to shed that stone cold reputation.
Life sucks, Silo. Get right the fuck over it, and make it better, even if it kills you.
Life is strange and unexpected.When you think you can just relax,just for a little,the Universe decides to remind you that you deserve only what you have.
I came here in search of what, i really don't know.I don't interact very much in general and i found shy one night and thought it would be another one that i will read few topics keep what i want and my anonymity and then i'll forget about it.
I already knew i liked women and was in the process of admiting it to myself and was trying to figure out what I wanted to do about it.I started reading and felt safe here so i did a first for me and wrote an introduction in the welcome forum,another first was my pic and my about me!
Anyway,i didn't come here in search of answers and certainly i wasn't looking for connections,i was and still am afraid of them!
I saw her name written in the members and it was the first time in my life that i felt something not"normal".Her name made an impression on me and i started looking when she would be online.I had just started being a little more confident and was teasing around shy and she is a big flirt so we exchanged some light teasing and so she sent me a pm.We started talking and opening to each other really fast but i couldn't help it.I had started feeling a pull towards her.It was like she was a magnet and i could feel her pulling me!I never thought this was something possible and I was surprised at first but in time and as I was realizing things I started to understand more.
What was happening was fast for her too because she is very private but i wasn't thinking,i was very open to her and i normally am not with anyone.After some time and few misunderstandings we stopped talking here.It was the first time I felt anger for myself for being stupid and opening up and I wanted to leave shy.She returned before I do that and I let her explain why she stopped.After that we went on talking on an app and exchanged numbers.This is something i don't do and i did it only with very few shy members.
So we started talking on an app and one sunday morning out of nowhere i woke up and felt something like bubbles in my chest!It was surprisingly pleasant and i also knew it was her i was feeling and that she was happy!IEvery time i was feeling her i magically knew it was her I had become pretty familiar with her energy even from so far something that still amazes me!I messaged her and asked her what she was doing and she was out having some fun with friends.From that day i started feeling her emotions.And i knew it was her.At the beginning i couldn't separate if it was mine or hers but i had become better in time and i knew when it was her emotions later.
I could feel her emotions about a person she was telling me or about a situation that had happened and i could feel how she was feeling the moment she was telling me.I was telling her what i was receiving and she was telling me if i was right and usually I was.Sometimes under the clear emotion she was having there was another one hidden about the situation we were talking about.Different one.We both did a lot of self search and progress.I started feeling her when we weren't talking too,i felt an anxiety and fear about something that happened in a day in her life and it was so extreme that I couldn't stay still while it was happening,i felt the love for her mother,i knew when she was waking up or when she was sleeping,it was like a part of me was coming alive at that moment,it was an incredible experience!Of course every day isn't the same and I couldn't feel every day .
She was telling me to open myself and feel love but i was afraid of getting hurt and i remember one day she told me what is the worse that will happen?Let the love fill you!And i did,i was thinking one day why it was happening now at this time of my life,i was trying to search why it was happening and how and what am i,and this made me go through some very dark moments of course.But that afternoon i made a realization.That i was in love with her and i couldn't deny it anymore.Me who was all my life careful with the people I let in,who had grown up in a strictly religious society and hearing all the time to not trust strangers.I tried to overcome everything I knew and believed.I let love flood me everywhere and i knew that i could love her without restrictions and expectations!!I knew that i could feel love for everything!
We spent hours talking and trying to understand everything.She was trying to understand how it was for me and i was trying to explain it and this helped me a lot!I realized a lot of things and learnt more myself and a little how we humans are.How unique and complicated in our apparent simplicity.How connected we are if we allow ourselves to "see" and feel and how we are deep inside us under this exterior.
when our friendship went to a next level in a pretty amazing way we started opening up more and we had some amazing experiences energy wise! ;) This didn't last long because she dissapeared without an explanation and I am crazy about why's and stability.I can't stand assuming.I couldn't understand what was going on at first and why she just stopped talking and i spent days in bed feeling for two!
I could still feel her.I could feel her wanting and rejecting.Fighting herself and me!I could feel another human from miles away,rejecting me and i had to fight both my sadness and sorrow and hers and pretend that everything is ok because I have a life with a husband and a kid to live.I was wondering every day why.Those whys that where inside me since the beginning!
Why this happened in this specific time in my life,why I could "feel"another human being like myself,why the hell I opened myself so much and allowed someone to be a part of my life,even calling is hard for me because it shows intimacy sort of and allowing someone I've never met to talk to me on the phone was and is a big step.But as everything in life I see this as a lesson.It had to be done and despite all the hurt I felt I am grateful for her because she was the trigger for the beginning of something wonderful in me.
This is something only one member knows because she was the one that helped me go through this!With her amazing calm energy and her incredible self!
That amazing woman was there for me every single day! She found me the right moment,I had decided to leave from online, not only shy but everything including my phone. She was there listening and trying to help me.And she did with her calm strong energy.She knows everything with every detail and this helped me a lot too.Talking about something that can be perceived different from everyone.I needed to let them out and she was there,listened to everything on repeat for months,trying to be for me neutral and she let me be completely me,which is pretty crazy ;) because i am not like most people.But as I told her many times she is crazy too for tolerating my behavior
Slowly with her making patience and being my friend,my safe shelter,I managed to overcome whatever I was feeling.
Another connection started with her even more amazing and different but unique too.And it wasn't easy I admit because I had so many reservations and insecurities but she managed to cease them if not all most of them.Because she is that amazing!And I know I made mistakes with her but she is and will be in my heart and I'll be there for her in whatever form she wants me for as long as she want me.Of course my insecurities and my ego with her are still here and me being an over thinker doesn't help but I try
Part of the reason I am afraid of connections is this.I can't "feel"someone unless I have a connection and in order to have this I have to open up myself and let the other person in.When I decide to let someone in i consider them close to me,I don't share parts of my life and me and getting to know them and then suddenly they are over.I am pretty loyal I don't just open up and take it light!
And this blog entry is really something difficult for me because I give out part of myself and who I am!I really don't know for how long and if I'll let it here but for now it was something that I decided to let out
I have decided enough is enough.
If I'm not happy with myself or how my life is going, I need to stop moping about it and I need to change it.
I bought some new clothes today that aren't normally my style. Recently dyed my hair blonde and tonight I cut it and gave myself bangs, which I never do. I've been wearing make up more and damn, I just feel so much better about myself.
I'm a happier person dolling myself up, even if it's just for work or just for a few errands.
I feel so much better about myself, I have this new flood of confidence. I just feel so so good and it was such a little change.
The last few years have been a little tough to navigate through. With an empty nest to contemplate I knew that things had to change. Little did I know where those changes would lead.
The first changes I made were to begin to enjoy the relationship between myself and my DH more. Now we have more time to spend together i enjoyed every second of getting to know him a little more each day. I learned to be comfortable with just the two of us doing activities.
I still see a family with young children and pine for the days that I was just starting out with my family but it is a more comfortable place now than 2 years ago when I felt as though my right arm had been yanked off.
I went back to University to study my masters degree and only have 2 weeks of teaching left and then a dissertation and I will have a masters degree. Where I found the motivation to keep going I'm not really sure as it has been a hard year.
I feel now more at peace with my sexuality than I ever have. Lots of talking and thinking and overthinking and crying trying to make peace with myself has lead me to where I am now. I will say that every single tear and thought and discussion was absolutely worth it and I am happy. I am no longer pretending or trying to hide away desires from even myself. I am what I am and what I am needs no excuses - I finally understand the poignancy of these words!!
Do I have challenges - absolutely! Do I have things I need to work on - Yes. However I can see the path and journey needed now it is no longer crowded with clutter.
To top all this off I am moving in about 3 weeks to the other side of the country. A new job and a new life. New adventures.....I no longer feel I need to take over the world.....I just need to take over control of my world rather than just reacting to situations. I am now changing situations and am excited about everything the future has in store.
There is one lady in particular that I need to thank for her support every step of the way. She is the most patient, amazing, beautiful and inspirational woman I have known. She knows who she is although I'm not sure if she will see this. She has been there every step of the way with me through the journey over the last few years and she means more to me than she can possibly ever know.
Forgive my sudden intrusion. Re-entry is what this is. I joined many years in the past and have rolled, tumbled and endured gushing wounds along this path to self-acceptance. I wanted... perhaps, even, needed that bright, shiny label. I was so eager to uncap the pink, purple and blue marker and spell my name on a white, fat sticker that I could fix above my heart: bisexual, here!
I have learned that it's not so simple. I remember when I joined and I look back on the confusion, the fear, the titillation, the joy in finding others like me. I remember leaning over and looking down straight into the depths of my own uncertainty and wondering if it would be right to jump. And I did. I fell through darkness and light. Happiness and misery. I fell again, and again and again and again. And when I landed, and spat shattered teeth into my palm, I swore it was over for me. I swore that I would never venture outside of the neat little fence I set up for myself around this hut of isolation. It's too much trouble, I said, My heart can't take it. And yet...
Sometimes I miss the connection. I miss having a reason to check my phone early... when the birds first chatter their sweet songs, accompanying the slow birth of the morning sun. I miss inside jokes, texted in the late afternoon. I miss pictures of self, taken for one, and one alone. I miss sending something that, when opened, would bloom a brilliant smile across a sweet face. I miss being wanted, desired. I miss the anticipation of heart-bursting ecstasy, signified by a lopsided red circle on a kitchen calendar. I miss sifting through a pile of sappy nicknames. I miss pinning the ultimate love song to her lapel and smiling, feeling my heart beat hard enough to vibrate my chest whenever I would hear it. I miss remembering every wonderful, stupid little detail about her. Like her favorite brand of perfume. Or the first time she heard her favorite band live. I miss breathing out warm passion and hearing it echoed back, in perfect sync. I miss all that, and more. Damn it. Sometimes, in small and large ways... I really want a girlfriend again.