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  • GypsyButterfly

    A Note Just For You

    By GypsyButterfly

    If I don't phone, text or email you, please know you're still in my mind & heart. Which is why I can't contact you. It would hurt too much. It might lessen in time, but, I don't know if it will ever completely go away. If you reach out to me (which I hope that you will), I may not answer or get back with you. Believe me, I want to, more than anything. I'm keeping all of the messages. Even if they seem to be deleted, I saved them elsewhere. Right now, I don't have my phone on much & I'm not checking my email. The phone would probably be the best place,though, when you want to get a hold of me.
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Our community blogs

  1. e3a1b32d25f90c7268fae10b0f22fc304127fac8.jpeg?w=2200&q=65&dpi=2&fm=pjpg&fit=crop&crop=faces&h=1467

     

    There is a new Amazon Prime mini-series coming out this week which is a remake based on the novel of the same name by Joan Lindsay:

     

    picnichangingrock-50thanniversary.jpg

    https://www.amazon.com/Picnic-Hanging-Rock-Penguin-Classics/dp/0143132059

     

    There was a movie version of the book released in 1975 by Peter Weir which I watched recently and quite enjoyed. It's mysterious, thought provoking and frustrating all at the same time. The story revolves around the young women at a boarding school in Australia at the turn of the 20th century who go on a day long picnic outing.The atmosphere during the first part of the movie is quite dreamy and lush with romantic suggestions and connections between the girls. 

     

    https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0073540/?ref_=nv_sr_2

     

    The new mini-series stars Natalie Dormer (Game of Thrones) as the head-mistress of the boarding school.

     

     

    https://www.imdb.com/title/tt6038954/?ref_=nv_sr_1

     

     

     

  2. NoOne
    Latest Entry

    I was told that someone very close to me commented that my relationship with my gf is just a phase.  They've said that before about my past relationship with a girl.  It really hurt my heart a lot that they still believe, 10 years later, that my attraction to females could be anything, but real.  

    This person has known me my entire life, and, unless they are in complete denial of who I am, maybe they don't know me as well as I thought they did.  I thought to confront them about their feelings, not specifically mentioning that someone else told me anything about it (in case they misheard or misunderstood or anything like that).  I wanted their honest thoughts without potential influence.

    I decided, instead, that I would just thank them for loving and accepting me as I am, and hope that, in time, they'll see that this isn't a phase, that it is real, and that this is who I am.  My previous relationship with a girl didn't last long and was followed by 10 years of dating guys.  Here's to hoping this one lasts to the end of my days, as I always do.

    As far as I know, the truth is that I am thankful for this person loving and accepting me, and I don't need to confront any negativity that may or may not be true.  This person hasn't shown me any negativity themselves about any of it, and if they feel some way about it, they'll tell me when they need to, or they'll learn and grow and accept the truth before it ever becomes a real, in-my-face issue.

    Fingers crossed...

    - NoOne

  3. kairi
    Latest Entry

    Time for me to leave here.Since I joined the site helped me a lot. I had some good times, good laughs and some bad times.I had sleepless nights, sometimes for staying up late discovering someone, sometimes because I couldn't keep the sadness of not understanding behaviors. I discovered more about myself and I've made few friends. Not many. Very few decided that I am worth it and sticked around. I regret nothing!!And I am thankful for the few that gave me chances and for all that didn't. :)

    But the site has nothing to offer me anymore and I certainly have nothing to offer either. Maybe some day I'll feel like I can offer again.Until then αντίο και ίσως τα ξαναπούμε 

  4. I know I'm a little late to the party but I just watched Insidious: The Last Key and felt the need to talk about horror.

    Blumhouse Productions has a successful formula when it comes to crafting great horror. Keep the budget low and give the director full creative freedom. Blumhouse isn't the only production studio making frighteningly awesome and low budget content. New Line Cinema is also tapping the micro-budget business model.The two production houses are responsible for some of the most popular horror series in the last 10 years, including Paranormal Activity, The Conjuring, Insidious, Purge, Get Out and many more. The same directors return to these production houses to make sequels, encouraging continuity of vision, and repeat business with the hottest names in horror. A change from the days of a bunch of different directors and producers creating a hot mess out of a good idea. Jaws, A Nightmare on Elm Street, Friday 13th, Halloween, need I go on?

    Some of my favourite modern horror movie directors are James Wan, Oren Peli, Adam Robitel, Jennifer Kent, and Leigh Whannell. 

    I'd love to hear your thoughts if you're a horror movie fan. Whose work do you like? Who's your favourite Scream Queen? Which elements of horror creep you out the most? Do you have a favourite movie?

    For me I'm not really into slasher or gore. I prefer a good, suspenseful, spine tingling, jump out of your skin when you least expect it kind of movie.

    THREE RECS FOR A SPOOKY MOVIE NIGHT:

    Ringu directed by Hideo Nakata (Japanese)

    When her niece is found dead along with three friends after viewing a supposedly cursed videotape, reporter Reiko Asakawa sets out to investigate.

    The Babadook directed by Jennifer Kent (Australian)

     A single mother, plagued by the violent death of her husband, battles with her son's fear of a monster lurking in the house.

    The Taking of Deborah Logan directed by Adam Robitel (American)

    Mia records the daily lives of dementia patient Deborah and her daughter Sarah as part of her thesis. As the days progress it becomes apparent something has taken control of Deb.

    .

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    Recent Entries

    There is a whole truth that "sex" topics in the site has proliferated recently. Some of the dead threads have come back to life and believe it or not it's because there are always a number of people who are interested to know and seek a legitimate answer. Yes, some are very explicit in details. Yes, some people have no reservations about telling a piece of their private lives in a public forum. SO, BLOODY WHAT? A lot of women here WILL NOT EVER DARE to talk about what’s in their mind with their friends, with their husbands, with their siblings, or with anyone...because they can’t for the fear of being misunderstood, shame, prejudice, societal differences, personal biases and surrounded by bloody holier-than-thou people around them. This site is created to be a safe haven for everyone. 

    When I joined the site last year, it was full of “meaningful” discussions everywhere. What is meaningful for me may not be meaningful for others. What is meaningful for me? Anything that I can relate to because it serves certain purpose to me, or piqued my interest or passion, or something I perceived as valid in my life. Since joining, I have learned a lot about my sexuality, life itself, sex and other hardcore (as interpreted by my innocent thinking mind) stuff.  I’ve been actively visiting the site and like many things in the world, the conversations in an online forum like Shybi has its ebb and flow.  This pattern is dependent on many factors: how many members are in a problematic or particular situations that post to seek advice, number of postings created by members who are searching for answers or advice; and the high influence of the subsequent responses of the members to the post that makes it more relevant and interesting. In my observation since last year, many members who were actively contributing to the forums (seeking advice and/or giving advice) had ceased to be around for some reasons and I do believe that it’s due to life priorities.  Other members, however, are just happy to look around quietly here. For whatever reason, sometimes,they decide to pop their thinking head out of their cave and join the conversation. That is fine. 

    I could go on and go on but I’m tired now and I have to work tomorrow. So, I will rest my case here. 

     

    Something to ponder...

    “We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”  -- Paulo Coelho

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    Recent Entries

    3 Ways to Roast Mixed Vegetables

    If you'd like to make a mixed-vegetable side dish, you have three options.

    1. Roast vegetables individually: First, and easiest, you can roast the individual vegetables on separate trays and combine them after roasting. This lets you monitor how quickly each vegetable is cooking and pull each vegetable from the oven as it's done.
    2. Pair "vegetable friends": Second, you can pair together "vegetable friends" — ones that roast at roughly the same rate. For instance, you could roast cauliflower and broccoli together, or butternut squash with potatoes. Combine these on the same baking sheet and roast them together. If the baking sheet is getting crowded, split them between two sheets.
    3. Roast in stages: Third, you can add different vegetables to the baking sheet in stages — start roasting the hardest, longest-cooking vegetables first, and then add softer, quicker-cooking vegetables later on. If the baking sheet starts to get full, split the vegetables between two pans so you don't crowd the them. Aim to have all the vegetables finish roasting around the same time, and remember: A little extra roasting time is unlikely to hurt.

    General Roasting Times for Vegetables

    Cooking times are for roasting vegetables at 425°F.

    • Root vegetables (beets, potatoes, carrots): 30 to 45 minutes, depending on how small you cut them
    • Winter squash (butternut squash, acorn squash): 20 to 60 minutes, depending on how small you cut them
    • Crucifers (broccoli, cauliflower, Brussels sprouts): 15 to 25 minutes
    • Soft vegetables (zucchini, summer squash, bell peppers): 10 to 20 minutes
    • Thin vegetables (asparagus, green beans): 10 to 20 minutes
    • Onions: 30 to 45 minutes, depending on how crispy you like them
    • Tomatoes: 15 to 20 minutes

    https://www.thekitchn.com/how-to-roast-any-vegetable-101221

  5. I wish that some people could understand what it's like to be an introvert. Then maybe, just maybe, when I have a hard time wanting to go out anywhere, they will know the things they are saying is making things 10 times worse. I do NOT need to be told I'm irrational in my thinking, or I'm going to miss out on a good time. Don't you think I know I'm going to miss out on life and experiences? I don't need those comments. Or being told I'm a boring and un-fun person who likes to do nothing. My "nothing" is what grounds me. I need my nothing or I will go crazy. So please, just stop.

  6. CW: sexual assault, abuse

    Hey there Shy’s. Perhaps you’ve noticed I’ve been away lately, perhaps the thought never crossed your mind. In truth it hasn’t been all that long since I was last posting regularly, maybe a month or so. Objectively that’s not very long, but it feels like a lot considering that for a while I was logging on multiple times a day. I’d like to say I was just busy, and that would be partially true, but it’s not the whole story. I’ve been avoiding the site because I know it’s a place where we are open and vulnerable to each other and I haven’t been ready for that. Frankly I’m just starting to emerge from the mental equivalent of fetal position.

    I made a post in March titled “Does Your Primary Limit You?” in which I described the experience of being dumped by my secondary partner because they disliked my primary partner. Things went downhill rather quickly after that. I took stock of my relationship with him and decided that things couldn’t continue as they were. He initially seemed to agree, looking into the logistics of getting his own place once our lease ran out in January. However in retrospect it seems that he was bluffing, hoping the prospect of him actually leaving would make me change my mind. Instead in only convinced me that I had made the right decision.

                  I know now why it’s said that the most dangerous stage of an abusive relationship is leaving. As I began to assert my independence and embrace the prospect of being single, he became increasingly aggressive towards me. This came to a head on St. Patrick’s Day. My back was sore, so I asked him to help me into the bath. He agreed, being very solicitous and bringing me Epsom salts. He then started taking off his own clothes and got in the bath. I thought that was a little odd, but didn’t object. He stated an interest in taking a bath separately after I got out. Consequently I was surprised when he followed me into the bedroom as I went to get dressed, or should I say tried to get dressed. He leaned over and lay on top of me as I tried to put my panties on. At first it seemed playful, and I just asked him to get off so I could get ready for choir rehearsal. Unlike other times, he didn’t budge. He asked to do more and more, eventually demanding that I have sex with him before I left. I declined four times, but he still wasn’t getting off of me. At this point I was running half an hour late for my rehearsal so I told him to just get it over with. He entered me immediately without even pausing to put on a condom. After a few minutes it was over. Oddly, he was the one who cried afterwards rather than me.

                  On the way to rehearsal I felt hollow inside. I wasn’t ready to call it what it was, but I still had a distinct sense that what had happened crossed a line. Once singing, I sang “I’m Gonna Wash That Man Right Outta My Hair” with an unusual degree of enthusiasm. Afterwards I was scheduled to audition as part of an octet to perform the song “Quiet”, composed for the 2017 Women’s March. Singing the opening lines “Put on your face/Know your place/Shut up and smile/Don’t spread your legs” I almost broke down crying. Still, I wasn’t ready to explain to my fellow singers why I had been late, and stuck with the half truth that I had missed my train.

                  Afterwards I went to an Irish pub nearby, as I had originally intended to do, but with a very different mindset. I grabbed as much Guiness as was put in front of me. At this point I began getting a string of passive aggressive text messages from my boyfriend asking where he was and if he could join. I responded that I would prefer not to see him but wouldn’t tell him not to come to a public place. This led to him berating me for not giving a straight answer and insisting that I state my preferences more clearly (fat lot of good that did me when I actually tried it.) We eventually agreed to the “compromise” of meeting at a nearby bookstore. While he traveled over my phone died and my primary concern was that I wouldn’t be able to contact him; the psychology of abusive relationships can be strange like that.

    After hanging out at the bookstore, we went home and attempted to have a Serious Talk. He asked why I was still angry about what had happened that morning, since he had apologized a whopping three times. He also pointed out that he had forgiven me when I supposedly cheated on him by being naked with someone else he knew I was dating. Having not clearly established a rule against this, I didn’t view it as infidelity, but that is a discussion for another time (if ever.) In that moment I realized how much he had been holding a grudge over that incident. After I officially declared my intention to end things with him because of what he did, he exhorted me not to cope by hopping into bed with strangers “like you usually do” – despite the fact that I have never had casual sex in my life and have had only one additional sexual partner besides him. I mention this context not to slut shame, but to highlight that only a person with a highly distorted view of my sexual behavior and beliefs would make such a statement.

    The next day I called my best friend and said I had something to talk about. I considered trying to beat around the bush but eventually elected to just spit it out – “I think I got raped yesterday.” She listened to me and confirmed that what I had experienced was textbook sexual assault. At this point we had already been planning a visit in honor of her birthday, but agreed that it would be a good idea to bump it up a week so she could give me moral support. Once I finally said the words, my feelings became very clear and I told my now ex-boyfriend he needed to move out ASAP.

                  The process of moving him out was a saga unto itself, so I think I will end the post here and add an explanation of that later on. Thank you all for your wise advice on these matters, both directly to me and in general. Particular thanks to N00Bi for helping me talk through what happened and encouraging me to maintain strong boundaries and prioritize my own emotional health. It would be lying to say I feel ok at this point, but I have a lot of support and I am healing. I’m optimistic that I will get through this.

  7. Well since realizing i do have a crush on her, it is becoming apparent that i have a type. She is blonde and tall and i find myself staring at her chest...or i did when i was in her room and we would do circle time with the kids and omg... She is also very calming and she was a good teacher as i learned a lot from her and now i try not to make it so obvious when she is around...

    Im not sure when i realized i was crushing on her and to tell her would not be a good thing as she has a boyfriend and it would make it awkward if i were to sub for her again..

    I had thought of texting her, but im not sure because i hadn't really talked to her in awhile and i don't know if it would be a weird thing to do or not...

  8. Well seems like we spent all that time waiting to be together and then once we were together it was gone too quickly. We never seem to have enough time, but the good news is that she'll be back this summer and then I'll get to go and see her for her birthday in October so three times in a year of seeing each other I can't complain.

    We have had an amazing time together and we reconnected again once we were alone in the hotel room. We didn't take things very slowly because it had been so long since we were last together. I can say this with confidence that we both have great chemistry on all levels, not just sexually.

    We went to an ice hockey game and had an amazing time there, then when we got back into town we went and did our usual shooting pool. It was the second time we'd been there since she arrived and she loves to rub it in when she beats me at my game. It's usually pretty close when we play and we like to drink a few beers so that adds to the entertainment factor, especially when we both start feeling tipsy.

    We also went and ate at her favorite place with my daughter and her boyfriend. It just happened to be taco Tuesday and Margarita night. I only had 2 Margaritas and I was done so my middle daughter ended up driving us home.

    I have a lot more I could say about this visit and I probably will in another blog, but for now I need to go and rest and mope around my house as it feels so empty without her here. (sad face). I took her to the airport today and we've been on skype once again back to the flat screen boo hoo while she's being held up in a layover at Atlanta then she'll fly out and I won't see her again until she's at her connection airport before she flies home. So yeah I'm sad.

    Thanks for reading and I will add more later when I'm rested and not mopey. Okay so  I can add more to this now that it's been a few days and she's home. It just seems like the time we are together goes by way too fast, probably because I had to spend some of it working and couldn't take much time off. The weather was crappy except for the last full day she'd have here then it decided to be nice and sunny. Hopefully when she returns in the summer with her daughter, she'll be able to return home with a nice tan.

    I am not in a hurry to see my youngest graduate high school because she's the one I will miss the most when I move. I'll miss all of my kids when I move, but hopefully they'll figure out a way to come and visit me and then they'll see why I wanted to move. As I've said in my previous blogs, I think that it's much harder on netty than me because she's a more touchy feely person and loves to have her hands on me all the time. We even like to go to sleep together holding hands sometimes and I can say this, I never was that intimate with my two ex-husbands and never went to sleep holding their hands. So yes, being in a loving relationship with a woman is much more intimate and definitely deeper on all levels.

    I have no idea what kind of a job I'll get when I get over there, but I'm sure I'll be able to find something and hopefully we'll be married before I move. It's going to be quite a change for both her and I because she's used to having things a certain way and so am I, but her daughter is younger than mine so that is why I'm choosing to move over to be with her. Both her and I are anxious and just want to get our lives together started, but I look at it this way, we've been spending time getting to know each other over the last three years and we already know how it feels to be together and do things together, so when we do actually get to be together we will have already gone through stuff and will look forward to going through new stuff together. I also know that relationships take work and good communication and you have to be willing to do both if you want to have a lasting relationship because the minute you stop talking or communicating, that's when you will begin to have problems. So once again I have a countdown on my phone for July, and she'll be here with her daughter so that we can all go and see the fireworks together. Guess that's about all for now, until my next entry and thanks for reading.

    Wolfie.

  9. I'm not heartbroken. I'm not spending my days crying. I am fine and will continue to be fine, but I'm mad.

    Furious.

    I can't STOP being mad because now I know I doubted myself when I shouldn't have. YOU made me doubt myself when I should have trusted my instinct that there was something going on.

    Shame on me for letting you in. Shame on me for not keeping my eyes open and my head clear. Shame on me for expecting you to treat me the same way I did you. But worst of all, shame on me for not trusting myself when I started to notice things not right. I wanted SO BADLY to believe that I was different to you than anyone else you had lied to, cheated on, mistreated, or tossed aside. But now I know, I wasn't.

    Now I know. And it stings. Not the unbearable sharp, sting of rubbing alcohol being poured on a fresh cut. More like a slow, seething burn that you don't notice until it's too late, like a sunburn. The kind that keeps you in discomfort, close to agony, for days afterwards because you didn't trust your instinct and put on some goddamn sunscreen, even though you knew better. I knew better, but I trusted you, I have been bit, one, two, three too many times. I

    It still didn't stop me from being seduced by you. Or stop me from thinking you would see me as different, any more, than anyone else you had wronged. It didn't stop me from giving you trust you didn't earn and didn't use well.

    I'm still mad. I see now, because I was stupid enough to keep checking on you, that you are happy and may very well have found exactly what you are looking for, and with the one that I'm so fucking angry about. And believe me or not, there is a small piece of me that hopes so and is happy for you. But there is a bigger piece that wonders how long until you screw this up too, because theres a bitter side of me that is betting against you.

     

    Ani Difranco Says...
    "I used to be a superhero
    No one could touch me
    Not even myself
    You are like a phone booth
    That I somehow stumbled into
    And now look at me
    I am just like everybody else"
     
    You were my phone booth. You were what made me forget to treat my feelings with respect and keep my eyes open to those who would do me harm, like I have diligently done for years now. And you took advantage of my vulnerability and now I'm mad at you. Furious. Resentful. Enraged.
     
    I blocked you from facebook, not because I care what you see, because I can't get mad about what I don't see if I block myself from seeing it. Another shame on me, I knew better than to keep checking in on you. But I did it anyways.
     
    As a result I will deal with another few days of anger before I can get back on the path of healing. A little more damaged, a little wiser, and a little stronger.
  10. Why I am doing this now, almost three years after the breakup and two years since we last spoke, I don’t really know. I barely shed a tear when we ended, and the one or two that I did shed were mainly down to annoyance at myself, that I put up with you for so long. 

    But to be honest, it is more than time that some of this stuff went on record. You were so sweet and so lovely to me when we met, and I believe that was genuine at the time, and to this day I can’t understand how someone could change so utterly. Looking back, thought, the red flags were always there.

    Before we’d even met in person, you’d pulled back when I expressed nervousness about meeting. If I ever committed the cardinal sin of saying you sounded low, or unsure about us, or - heaven forbid! - asking for reassurance, it would result in a freeze-out that would last for days. You helped make our one-year anniversary extra memorable, for instance, by blanking me for three days over something trivial right after we’d had what I thought was a lovely couple of days away together to celebrate.

    If I ever had to change the slightest detail of a meet-up, a rescheduling or even just a slight delay in being able to get there, you’d try to call it all off. At least once you literally ended things with me because I said I couldn’t make a planned meet-up after all. You know what, I wish I’d just called your bluff and taken back my life much sooner.

    You publicly wrote what amounted to a love poem TO SOMEONE ELSE and seemed perplexed as to why I would have a problem with that.

    You ruined three meets for me, which is quite an accomplishment given that you were only on two of them. 

    You sneered at the town I grew up in, the town I love for all its faults. You ruined a fun evening in a fun place with nice people because you were homesick for fucking Chinawhite, or wherever else you deemed ‘good enough’ for you. If you want the truth, that weekend was the beginning of the end for me. First off you announced you weren’t coming. Then you changed your mind and I ended up wishing you hadn’t. You were so rude to some of my dearest friends, including the person who’d been kind enough to drive you there in the first place, and also the owner of the B&B where we stayed, someone I’ve been friends with since I was 16. You spent the evening after the meet giving me the silent treatment because someone flipped you the V on the street, like it was my fault because I’d apparently committed the unforgivable sin of stopping to speak to him in the first place. (Oh, by the way, you continued this theme delightfully the time you ripped me a new one for stopping in the street to sign a petition to stop a children’s acute care ward from closing: ‘You shouldn’t stop for these people,’ quote unquote.) You were still pulling your Princess Elsa act the next morning and I still didn’t walk, why? Because I was stupid enough to be concerned for you. You didn’t seem in a good place, but after the way you treated me you’re lucky I gave a damn about your feelings any more. I should have left you to stew in your sulk, and at the end of that weekend, when you superciliously announced, ‘I knew you wouldn’t go,’ I so wished that I had.

    I have so many regrets about almost every aspect of our relationship.  I regret that I didn’t care enough to get angry enough about the way I was treated. I made too many excuses for you, put up with way too much. But I mostly regret that I didn’t call you out more on the way you treated people I cared for. It was like if you knew someone was important to me, that was a reason to be shitty to them - and then you made ME out to be the insecure one. What a joke. You’d post the most horrible things online about MY FRIENDS and expect me to cheer you on, then sulk when I didn’t. You’d purposely stir up trouble and then get on Viber to me boasting about how you were ‘kicking some butt today’, no you weren’t. You were just being nasty for the sheer fun of being nasty. You almost drove more than one of my dearest friends away with your bizarre behaviour towards them. If you want the truth, I consider myself lucky they still speak to me. There were many, MANY occasions when I was ashamed to have anything to do with you. ‘The Defiant’? Don’t make me laugh. ‘The Psycho’ would have been closer to the mark.

    I had so much going on in my life, but any show of weakness - or, heaven forbid, tears - was treated dismissively, or, worse, with contempt. Everything had to be about you all the time; I wrote a post on here recently about how I always thought I’d know narcissism when I saw it, but failed to realise for four years straight that I was dating it, it will always be a puzzle to me how I didn’t see what was right in front of my eyes. It’s like you can’t bear any trace of human frailty around you, you can only cope with people who have larger-than-life, tougher-than-Teflon personalities with the ego to match. The rest of us - those who aren’t afraid to feel, and to admit we feel and admit we cry - well, you have a word for us, don’t you? That’s right: inexplicably, somehow WE are the cowards.

    And yet I let things drift on. Till finally the weekend when, in hindsight, I know I really should have told you where to stick it. It was already long overdue by that point. You flounced out of that meet on a whim, dramatically announcing that ‘this bi thing wasn’t for you.’ In hindsight I wish I’d let you go back to the hotel alone, stayed at the meet and enjoyed myself without you hanging around like a walking storm warning, but at the time I was stupid enough to care about what that meant for us, you’d become a habit by then, and my mind hadn’t yet caught up to the fact of how much better off I’d be without you. So we stood there, outside Candy Bar, the second time we’d stood outside a bar while you ruined my evening, and I let you have it, about what a bitch you were being, tears of anger streaming down my cheeks, and what did you do? You laughed in my face. And then when I walked off and left you to make your own way back, you were a bitch about that too. Did I ever get an apology for any of this? Not one that seemed even remotely sincere. (The saddest thing about that, by the way? Candy Bar was where we’d had our first kiss more than two years previously. Nice to see how much that memory meant to you.)

    In hindsight, I can see that you were ambivalent about me for pretty much most of the time we were (supposedly) together. That’s fine - it’s your prerogative, especially as I was similarly ambivalent about you - but I rue pretty much all the time and money I spent on our relationship. It was an expensive lesson in more ways than one. Eventually I became so indifferent to you that I couldn’t even bothered to end it. That’s how apathetic you made me. When a person never shows you their heart, never shows a modicum of fragility, of human-ness… over time, there’s something oddly repellent about that. I stopped thinking about you in a sexual way long before we ended. I didn’t even especially want to kiss you. I used to get bored sometimes when we were doing ‘stuff’ and start listening to the TV instead, do you know that? Your insensitivity towards me at times was quite the biggest anti-aphrodisiac going, you see. 

    I keep trying to remind myself how good it was in the beginning when you used to actually let me in on how you were feeling, when you let me know that you cared, deeply, and even needed me. But that was only one side to your persona, and it disappeared over time. You just turned total ice-queen bitch and I was left scratching my head trying to figure out why. At one time I cared enough to try to figure you out. I knew you suffered badly from premenstrual mood swings, and I sympathised, but I tolerated way too much in the name of that excuse. It ended up being easier not to call you out on stuff because you would retaliate by making the most personal and hurtful verbal attacks on me, my insecurities, my vulnerabilities, that I’d been stupid enough to reveal to you. If there was one of us that had a personality disorder, it certainly isn’t me.

    What you did to our relationship - to my feelings - was comparable to taking a beautifully handwritten love letter and scrawling obscenities all over it in marker felt. In the end my feelings just died, simple as that. Although you’d never have believed it, they were dead long before we ended. That was nicely done, by the way, via a random email in the middle of a busy work day - how were you to know all I would feel was relief? I could have been in bits for all you knew. But if I had been, and I’d told you so, I’d have been made to feel bad for that too. Everything is always someone else’s fault in your world, isn’t it? Your faith is so important to you, and you’re so convinced God loves you just as you are. Have you ever actually stopped to *look* at who you are? At how shabbily you treat people? And if you have, how on earth can you continue to call yourself a Christian? Oh well, that’s for your conscience to deal with now, I’m just glad to be out of the whole dysfunctional mess.

    Even after we broke up you still tried to mess with my head, tried to make me jealous that you were moving on, when all I felt by this point was relief. At the time you tried out your little game I was rather more concerned by the fact that my cat had narrowly escaped death after being hit by a car and how did you respond? A cursory comment about hoping she was OK, then radio silence, because I didn’t play your little game, did I. You ‘hit back’ by unfriending me on Facebook and I just wanted to laugh. 

    The only regret I have now is that you’ll never get to read this. You’ll never know what I really thought of you towards the end. You’ll probably never get wise and stop being such a bitch, either.

    So there we are, I finally said it.

     

  11. JadeBleu15
    Latest Entry

    So its another sleepless night or is it a sleepless morning? Trying to think about life and get myself together and this dream thought creeps right in, its like my mind has a mind of its own and I have no say in what it thinks whatsoever and I am beginning to think maybe it needs to be rewired.   I wonder how painful electric shock therapy is ** thinking**  I am kidding,  but seriously anyone know??? :P

    Anyway, I had no idea where to put this in the forum so just decided to leave it here buried in my blog, incidentally who came up with the word blog anyway? I mean did someone just start writing something on the internet and thought what do I call this?? So I guess Blog was born and here we ( when I say we I mean me) talking about it and I doubt anyone really cares about the history of the word blog at all, so lets keep this moving on.....

    Without further adieu ( did I spell that right?)  Apparently so since no little lines slapped my fingers.... here is the dream thought that popped into my minds mind.... 

    As the moonlight streams in the window illuminating the room, my eyes open for a moment, awaken from a deep sleep, trying to focus on where I am and my surroundings. Hearing the wind blow, my eyes move to the focal point of the room, the fire in the fireplace dancing to the music the wind was playing. My eyes then darted to the window and seeing the snow fall at a very rapid pace, smiling like a child on Christmas morning, I dearly love to watch the snow fall, especially at night. I was tempted to get up go to the window and throw back the curtains wider, so I could watch the snow fall romantically  to the ground. But the warmth and comfort of your arms enticed me to stay right where I was, feeling one of your arms wrapped protectively around my waist, your hand lying flat on my stomach, the body heat radiating from you warming not only my body but my heart. I listen quietly to the sounds of the wind, placing my hand on top of yours, hearing your even breathing, turning my head to watch you sleepy, in a very non creepy way, I wonder for a moment what you might be dreaming about and hoping it was my face you were seeing. After a while my eyes began to grow heavy, and I felt you scoot closer to me, smiling as I closed my eyes, I drifted off to sleep, feeling incandescently contented.

    ( Just love bold italics, don't you?)

    If you took the time to read this, thank you. 

    I had better do the world a favor and get some sleep. 

     

  12. softfruit
    Latest Entry

    This started as a comment on someone's post but I feel like it's a big enough a Bi Thing to be worth a blog post!

    One of the things people say to us when we come out is "oh, you're just going through a phase". And it's a silencing thing, to get us to shut up about something they maybe don't like hearing or discussing. Or something they say just because it's the only thing they know as received wisdom about being bisexual and they haven't thought it through any further. Either way it's like being patted on the head and told to shush our silly little heads.

    Now, one of the things we used to say and write on placards when I was first out and involved with my local bi youth group was "it's not a phase!"

    Only I have to admit: sometimes it is. I've known people who for instance when I first met them were lesbians, had a time of identifying as bi, but these days if you asked them they'd most likely say they were straight. Other mixtures other ways round - straight to bi to straight again, bi to lesbian to bi again, or all round the houses like the slow bus that stops everywhere in a loop round your town. I was comparing life stories with a trans friend the other day about how they'd collected the full set of calling themself gay, bi and straight in two genders. Pokemon sexuality!

    The thing is though: people who are bisexual for the whole of their lives are bisexual for the whole of their lives. People who are bisexual for only part of their lives are bisexual for that part of their life.

    And if you're "only" bi for months or years or decades, where your head and heart are at that time are totally real. Those crushes?  Real crushes.  Those kisses?  Real kisses.  Those orgasms?  Ho yus, And how. Ahem.  Where was I?

    Dismissing it as "just a phase"? Well, being a teenager is a phase but it doesn't stop you being a mardy git for a few years. Being pregnant is a phase - a year from now you won't be! - but a plan of just ignoring it and pretending it's not really happening isn't a good idea.

    Some of us are bi the whole of our lives, for some people it's a phase - yet if it's a phase so is whatever comes before and whatever comes after and no-one dismisses those as "just phases".

    "It's just a phase"?  "Well, maybe it will turn out to be a phase, but it's the truth about who and where I am right now."

  13. Today is a day of reflection. I have been too busy just focusing on living that it took a concussion to slow me down enough to be able to stop and take stock of my life once again. 

    Then I realize I have wound up back here spouting Emo diatribes in this thing, as I had before leaving...so first an apology. 

    I'm sorry for all the doom and gloom. It honestly surprises me anyone actually gives much import to the words coming out of my mouth, or rather, that are typed on the screen. So thank you for, I don't know, reading all of this, whoever you may be.

    I'm sorry also that I can't abide by the advice given to my last post. Ignoring ones gut instinct is about the worst thing you can do. The truth is that even if it seems to lead us into mischief at times, it actually saves us from worse, and what misadventures which may ensue usually have important life lessons attached even if we aren't fully aware of what those might be at the time. So no I'm still listening to it, or I'd have not come back at all...

    ...Not reconnected with someone important to me...

    But there is nothing wrong in maybe being a bit more cautious and careful. So that I'll try to keep in my as I feel out this new/old/new relationship before me. 

    As I think on my life and it's weird turns...

    the only thing I keep coming back to is that turn of phrase "Life is Strange"...

    I don't really know where I stand right now, I feel like I'm standing at a crossroads again. Change is in the air, I can feel it like the crisp moisture before the rain. I don't know what it means. I want to understand what is significant about to happen, by looking backward, inward...

    Have you ever passed a mirror and caught yourself staring, a little too long? You know past that inevitable point of judgement upon yourself, or just to give yourself a cursory look before going out, but long enough that you deeply reflect on the passage of time you wear, wondering where it all is gone, what happened to the person you were, or where is that person you wanted to become? Do you recognize what you see there? Do you know that person? Do you want to? Do you love that person? Can you imagine anyone else feeling the same? 

    One of the most important relationships we cultivate in this life isn't with other people. It's with our self. If we can't feel good about ourselves, can't love ourselves, then everything we work to achieve with others is but a pale shadow of what we wish we felt for ourselves, could feel if we could only see ourselves the way others view us.

    But that's not quite what I'm getting at...

    Have you ever stared longer than that even to the point you can -feel- your own mortality?

    We feel brushes of it all the time. A pet dies, we lose a friend or a family member, or have that flirtation with Death itself that shakes us for some time, but it's usually over before we can really delve into the contemplation of what it truly means...

    But to stare at yourself and know you are here on this Earth on borrowed time...

    What does that make you want to do?

    Does it make you panic and try to get your affairs in order?

    Does it give you a perverse since of peace in the cyclic nature of life?

    Does it fill you with a renewed sense of purpose of the things you wish to do before that inevitable day happens?

    Or do you merely indulge in the enormity of it all until you slowly let the weight of that knowledge slide off you like water off a ducks back and just go back to living life like normal, back to the daily routine of your existence?

    Yes I know I said I should stop with the doom and gloom, and no I'm not trying to bring anyone down, nor is this really meant as advice, or am I being poetic, it's just a ramble, but I honestly would like to know in those moments...what is it you feel?

  14. dfcdd3b168acdfeacb99dfa94bd4e82c.jpg

     

    Artistic vision is having the clarity to fall in love with what you see. - Chogyam Trungpa

     

    This post represents a travel through time to see a sampling of artistic works whose subject is primarily the connection of women with other women.  Along the way we'll see different kinds of relationships and bonds that women have with each other which artists and society in general have decided has value and is worth celebrating.

    This post will feature paintings and images only to give viewers the chance to feel their own impressions without any extra/spoiling input from me. There will be a separate post where I will post my comments along with the paintings and images.

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    The Three Graces from Primvera - Sandro Botticelli (c.1482)

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    Venus, Flora, Mars and Cupid (Allegory) - Paris Bardone (1570)

     

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    Allegory of the Union of Painting and Poetry - Francesco Furini  (1626)

     

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    Allegory of Water and Earth - Jan Breughel II  and Frans Francken II (c. 1620-1640)

     

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    Jupiter Disguised as Diana Seducing the Nymph Callisto - Nicolaes Pieterszoon Berchem (1620-1683)

     

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    Nymphs by a Fountain - Peter Lely (c.1650)

     

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    Diana and Her Companions - Johannes Vermeer (c. 1650s)

     

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    Justice and Peace Embracing - Antonio Balestra  (ca. 1700)

     

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    Diana and Callisto - Pietro Liberi (1670)

     

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    Study for 'Justice, Peace, and Truth' - Giovanni Battista Gaulli (Baciccio)  (c. 1666-1672)

     

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    La Toilette - François Boucher (1742)

     

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    Two Nymphs of Diana resting after their Return from the Hunt - François Boucher (1748)

     

     

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    The Union of Painting and Sculpture - Jean Louis Lagrenee (1768)

     

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    Jean-Honoré Fragonard, The Servant Girls' Dormitory, c. 1770

     

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    Diana and her Nymphs Bathing - Angelica Kauffman (c.1778-82)

     

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    La Bonne Nouvelle (The Good News) - Marguerite Gérard (c. 1804)

     

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    The Greek Poet Sappho and the Girl from Mytilene' - Nicolai Abildgaard (1809)

     

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    Helena and Hermia - Washington Allston (ca. 1810)

     

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    The Lovers - Jules-Robert Auguste  (c. 1820)

     

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    Moonrise over the Sea - Caspar David Friedrich  (1822)

     

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    Germania and Italia - Friedrich Overbeck  (1811-28)

     

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    Boarding School Friends - attributed to "French School" (1837)

     

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    Der Liebesbrief (The Love Letter) - Ferdinand Georg Waldmueller  (1845)

     

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    Bathers - Pierre Olivier Joseph Coomans (1816-1889)

     

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    La Chute du Chat (Two Women Disturbed by a Cat) - Jean-Alphonse Roehn (1800s)

     

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    Anna Henriette Stelzner with her friend Frau von Braunschweig, 1849

     

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    The Tepidarium - Theodore Chasseriau (1853)

     

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    Two Women Chatting by the Sea, St. Thomas - Camille Pissarro (1856)

     

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    The Reapers - Jules Breton (c.1860)

     

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    Nymphs Bathing - Arnold Böcklin (1863-6)

     

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    Le Sommeil (The Sleepers) - Gustave Courbet (1866)

     

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    Devant Courbet - Thomas Levy-Lanse (2011)

     

    To Be Continued.......This ends the first part of this trip through art-time.

  15. Heather:  Dr. Doctor, I think I've caught something serious.  Something serious from a woman.

    Dr. Doctor:  I'll try to help you.  Tell me, what have you been feeling that ails you?

    Heather: I've been feeling so many things since I've come in contact with her...

    • I think about her everyday and many times a day.

    • I leap for joy at every opportunity I have to talk to her and to listen to her.

    • She upstages every women with her beauty that has captured my eyes, my mind, and quite possibly, my heart.

    • I am taken aback with our unlikely and serendipitous encounter.  What were my odds of finding a woman with the worldview and values that so closely mirrors mine?  Oh, how good she and I can be for each other!

    • I hope so dearly that she feels something special for me as I do for her.

    • I fear so dreadfully that she doesn't feel something special for me as I do for her.

    • I try to prepare myself for the devastation that may strike me in the event that she doesn't want me the way I want her.  I fight with my emotions as I try to accept my inability to fully prepare for these foreign feeling that have already blindsided me.  

    • I am captivated and terrified.

    Heather:  Dr. Doctor, what should I do?  Is there a treatment for this?  What is my prognosis?

    Dr. Doctor:  I'm afraid I don't have the expertise to handle your case.  Here is a referral for a consultation with my colleagues at the Shybi Clinic.

  16. Well, today I found out that my Girlfriend was already dating a guy before I even got the chance to tell her that I think we should be friends. Wow! I'm not hurt but pissed now. She lead me to believe she was interested in a monogamous relationship with me. She even sat me down to tell me what she was "about." Meaning not dating more than one person at a time. She said she had " been with women" but not had a relationship with one but, that she really vibes with me and that it wasn't about what someone had between their legs for her but, what they felt. But then, when I'd try to ask her out, after we had been intimate, she was always busy. I had started to pick up signs that she wanted out but wasn't woman enough to admit it. So, that's why I ended it. Now she's following me around like a lost puppy, not because she wants me back but, because we work together and she doesn't want me mad or drama at work. She's afraid I'll post the many nude photos of herself that she sent me in the short time we dated. Sigh, I hope most women aren't like her. If they are, I'd rather be alone.   

    1

  17. I don't know if any of you remember my ongoing saga with a co-worker (not the male I talked about last time). Long story short - she comes off as very very gay, we became close friends beyond work, she insists she is straight/asexual, she alternates confusingly between being blatantly flirtatious/romantic, platonicallly close-friendly, and professional distance. I feel strongly for her (it's been going on long enough that I'm not going to call it a crush), but would be honestly fine with remaining just friends (and more than fine with an asexual romantic relationship). I had to change the security on those posts when the site changed (and will likely move this post over to the private blog after a time - I'm paranoid for the sake of her privacy), but if anyone is interested in the whole stupid story, I can give you access.

    Recently, she admitted to me that she and her long-term "housemate" are "a couple" - something she's denied for years. A couple who seem to be on the verge of breaking up (though that isn't an entirely new situation - I'm not sure if it's truly reaching a breaking point, or simply represents the normal ups and downs of a long term relationship). 

    I just don't know what to make of this. I find it plausible that the asexual part is true and that they have a non-sexual relationship. But I'm not sure how you can consider yourself both straight and part of a long-term same-sex self-described "couple". So I feel like she intentionally lied about that part of it on multiple occasions, including on the night I came out to her. While I'm glad she finally told me, I'm a little baffled and hurt that it took this long, especially as she seems to be more open with other people who she isn't as close with.

    I can understand why she might have lied when the subject first came up. She's very private, I was perhaps being overly intrusive in asking, at that time I wasn't out to her, and we weren't really friends outside of work yet, so I can understand her being wary of my motives (which were honestly just "I'm lonely as heck and want a friend I can be myself around"). And I can understand that sometimes lies can sometimes be hard to come back from. But the fact that this has extended for years makes me question whether we are really actually friends at all, or if I'm just some overly clingy person she puts up with.

    I don't actually think the latter is true. She texts and calls me all the time, which I certainly wouldn't do with someone I was just putting up with. I just try to find reasoning that makes sense, and self-deprecating reasons are easy to accept.

    No, I suspect that everything is as I've sensed all along - that we're mutually attracted in at least a romantic sense. And that the flip-flopping is because she's been fighting this because she's effectively married, or I'm married, or professional reasons, or some combination of the three.

    Thing is, if she'd been honest about being in a relationship, I think I would have had more boundaries and it never would have gotten like this (Is that true? Am I using "benefit of the doubt" simply to justify the flirting, when I suspected all along that the relationship existed? Did she intentionally not tell me about the relationship so I wouldn't stop?)

    I haven't been totally open with her, either. I've never mentioned that my marriage is open. She can be a little on the black and white side when it comes to moral issues, so I wasn't sure how she'd react to that. So she's presumably running under the assumption that either I'm not actually interested or trying to go behind my husband's back. But... if she and her housemate are, in fact, in a relationship, it strongly implies that she isn't particularly monogamous either, as she's occasionally talked about going on dates.

    So much added context, and added confusion.

    So I decided to increase the chaos level.

    She offhandedly offered me some transcription work. It was very casually mentioned, but I got the sense she meant it. I'd actually be perfect for it - I can read her handwriting (most of the time, anyways), I have the background to make sense of what she's written, and enough experience with her thought patterns to know what is intended. But I really don't want another job, nor do I particularly want to be her employee or accept money from her.

    But I realized I knew someone who would probably do really well at it with some learning, who is a conscientious worker, detail-oriented, kind of at loose ends, and for whom a more entry-level job makes sense - my husband's girlfriend. So I suggested her (without mentioning the husband's girlfriend part of it), and she was thrilled at the idea, and we're all (minus my husband, since he doesn't have an official part in all this yet) meeting for lunch next week to discuss things.

    Because getting your husband's girlfriend a job with the woman you're in love with so that she has more free time to try to fix her relationship with her wife-like-person (I don't mean disrespect by that, but she hasn't really made it clear exactly what form their relationship takes) is totally what everyone does, right?

    I want her to be happy. If being happy means fixing her relationship (even in absence of non-monogamy), great. If it means them breaking up, great. I think I'm honestly not drawn to a particular side of that - maybe a little bit more towards the breakup idea because this woman doesn't seem to be a very nice person, and doesn't seem to make her particularly happy, but that could just be because talking to me is her safety valve and I only get the complaints. Presumably something brought and kept them together in the first place.

    I am hoping that this will bring up some sort of organic opportunity to talk about the whole non-monogamy thing, but maybe I'm deluding myself on that. Maybe it will just make it even more awkward.

  18. I had my first dream with a woman last night...

    Even in dreamland things can't go my way! :lol: At first everything was going perfectly... The two of us were on a bed, face to face with me straddling one of her thighs. We were touching and kissing, and all of a sudden she just gets up and leaves me there!

    What the heck is that?! :lol:

  19. rytime I hear something about being gay or bi or something along those lines, I start to think about how I am slowly becoming more accepting of myself and yet not at the point of wanting to share it with the world or even people around me. It was easier years ago when I had my best friend around and had someone to talk to and share things with and there has been no one else like that in forever and I find myself thinking about him a lot. There was a time that we didn't talk after the first time I deleted and blocked him and then we reconnected and then had a period where I hardly heard from him and let him go again..I had thought about sending him a friend request again and then I realized that if he wanted to be a part of my life, he could of sent me a friend request as well or a test or something and that says a lot right there.

    But anyway, just hearing people- either my mom, her friends, etc, talk about gay people they know, all I can think about is how I'm not out and I don't know what to say about things.. one thing that comes up is how her boss has a ",partner" or whatever and it gets blown off when I mention it would be husband or whatever. Then a few times she will mention that someone could be gay, or whatever and she is fine with it, but yeah, when I came out to her I was told it was my business and she didn't want to hear about it...I know I could open the can of worms and say what I am thinking, but I don't want to have to defend my opinion and then when our neighbor comes over, I sometimes triy to avoid talking to her because she can be so freaking nosy and have to know everything...just like her dad used to be.

    In the back of my mind, I know that I could come out and have to answer questions about it from everyone, and I take that as a sign I am not totally ready. I am becoming more comfortable with myself and I don't deny I am bi,and that is one reason I started this blog as a place to clear my head and I am learning more of what I want and slowly becoming comfortable in checking out girls. But I just don't feel ready to share this with everyone around me and maybe just maybe I don't have to.

    But more on this later, I am falling asleep and need some sleep...

    That's all for now:)

     
     
    SHAR
  20. amsterrock
    Latest Entry

    So I might have deep seeded issues from my childhood :-P . But I turned out reasonably sane, I promise. These are sayings grown-ups used to say that now as an adult I disagree with. 

    "You have to suffer to be beautiful."

    From waxing, to high heels, to spending hours of doing our hair, women go through a lot of pain to look "pretty." My mom's justification is that it's just the cost of being beautiful. I strongly disagree. I believe beauty is when we are truly ourselves. We are truly ourselves when we are comfortable and in our own element. We are the most comfortable when we are at our most natural, when our essence shines through. And that takes no work at all (maybe just a little courage). So I believe that being our beautiful selves is the easiest thing in the world. 

     

    "All couples fight. It's just part of love."

    I guess this was a way to explain the fights our parents would get into. There was always a lot of yelling, sometimes things got broken (photo frames, lamps, walls....). I understand that life has it's struggles, it's not all unicorns and rainbows. But yelling only escalates things. As an adult in a relationship approaching a decade, I have discovered that not all couples fight, at least we don't. Does that mean we love each other less? Certainly not! It means when we disagree we don't get defensive, and we listen to the other person. There are times when I do close in, and need space in order to process my feelings, but I would never lash out at my partner. We're in this together. 

     

    "Better to have loved and lost, than not loved at all."

    I hate this saying. A lot. I've gotten it many times from adults after a heartbreak, and it did not help in the least bit. It doesn't make sense to me, and brings little comfort. Was I suppose to feel lucky then? Grateful that someone ripped out my heart? How does this help me heal? It didn't. Nor did it help me evolve as a person. Just say: "It sucks, I know." 

     

     

  21. Greetings, ladies, 

    As the year 2018 begins, I spent some time to myself reading at my leisure and conversing with my husband. I had forgotten what it was like to sit and breathe in and out. I was so preoccupied with deadlines, schedules, grad school,  work,  and whether or not I would go on another date. I consumed myself with everything that had to be done that wasn't done yet. 

    My therapist was right! In a session, where I was complaining about how I felt my life was going down in a twisted spiral of dep. She stopped me and said, "to hell with everything! Take care of yourself! You're important!" She continued to say that I was spending my life caring about everything and everyone else except for myself. I placed too much focus on too many things and that I was ignoring myself. My health was fading because of this. So she told me that we had to come up with some strategies to help me take care of myself. This was November...

    It sank in finally from December 31, 2018, and through today. 

    It's time to look out for myself and chill out. It is a work in process, but I know it is doable. I actually spent time reading! I never get to read for pleasure due to my grad studies. This also means that I need to be more organized in how I move from day to day. I start work tomorrow; being a teacher in graduate school is hard work! However, it is not impossible to do. I know that I can manage my time to where I have enough time to prepare lessons for my students, read for graduate studies, and spend time to myself (exercise, reading, doing things I love). There are 24 hours in a day. Teaching can present unpredictable after school business stuff. I am lucky to work at a place where even if I stay late, I won't get home too late. That means I can come home and de-stress from all the craziness from work and do some meditation of some sort. There is where my leisure time comes in. I can also take care of my studies and not go overboard. 

    Still, I can play around with it. I'm not going to be so rigid that I cant fluctuate my time. This is how my anxiety gets triggered. I am a perfectionist. I have this idea of what something should look like, and if I do not meet that idea, I get depressed and give up completely. So I need to tell myself, "Oh, even though you didn't get to do this, you're still a good person, and you will have time to do it."

    Anyway, I will spend this year calming the hell down, not making other people's emergencies my emergency, take care of myself in all definitions that this entails, and spend time enjoying life. I want to live in the present. I don't want to worry about the future. If I take care of myself today, I won't have to worry about the future because I will have already been prepared. 

    Just random thoughts,

    Namaste

    Bella

  22. It's been months since my last entry, and I've honestly missed being brutally honest on here. So much has happened, almost all of it a mess. My friend, who I fell hard for, told me to pursue relationships because she saw me as just a friend. Still, she acted weird every single time I started talking to someone, male or female. I tried to maintain, and I accepted that I probably wouldn't be with anyone. I was accepting that I had come out as bisexual, people were generally accepting, and I continued to work hard in therapy.

    While doing some activities completely alone, I met someone. A beautiful man who wanted nothing more than to make me happy, to show me that I could be vulnerable, that not everything had to be scary, He asked me to just give him a chance, and I said we would get nowhere without complete honesty. With nothing to lose, I told him everything. Everything that hurt, everything I had been through, every reason I could not possibly be a good girlfriend. Most of all, I bit the bullet and told him that I was bisexual. 

     

    I had never told a potential partner this, and he had reasonable questions. How many women had I been with? Did I try to be with women? If we have a real future together, am I ever going to regret not being with a woman, because he wants 100% commitment? I answered every question honestly, including assuring him that if I was with ANYONE I would want 100% commitment too. He was looking to settle down, plan for a family, and it felt so natural. We've now been together almost six months,

    The painful part comes in about three months ago when my friend, my crush, decided that I was not there for her enough. She felt uncomfortable with my relationships elsewhere; she said I was forgetting her and leaving her behind. Instead of talking to her about my pains, I shared everything with my boyfriend. Then, she observed me with a group of friends - having a good time - and said she had lost me. I tried to explain; we argued, screaming and crying, for hours with no resolution. I finally said, "I can't do this anymore. I need you to realize you are wrong on this one. It isn't fair what you're doing." She said I needed to do the exact same thing. I concluded, "I have to let you go."

    We have not talked since. I had already paid for an expensive vacation which I took on my own, and it was so weird to know that she and I will never talk again. I explained to my boyfriend that ALL of this was complicated; he took the embarrassing details far better than I would've had the roles been reversed. 

    I hate that I feel like I ruined everything with that friend by admitting the truth; however, I am so lucky. I have met the absolute love of my life. He has shown me so much peace and acceptance that I've fallen so deep in love. It worked out for the best, and I'm glad I'm out. It is just that now I have completely new fears. 

    This man wants to be married, to have kids, and grow old together. I am terrified to be intimate again, especially since I've only been with one person - a violent, abusive man. I am terrified I will be a terrible wife, terrible mother. But I want this life...I want to be with him. I don't want to be afraid anymore. If I made it through the pain of losing a woman who I was sure would always be in my life, I know I can face these new fears. Wish me luck!

     

  23. Normally, this wouldn't bother me but it does. And the reason why it does has to be with the fact I was being watched/stared at. 

    Today, one of our VPs jammed a copy machine, and after he was unsuccessful in unjamming it. He left to reprint the documents on another copy machine. Well, while he was gone. I went to the machine and proceeded to unjam it which entailed my following the directions on the screen. Well, when he came back to retrieve the documents he sent to the other copy machine. He just stood at that machine watching me unjam the copy machine. After I unjammed it, I waited a minute to see if the machine will jam again then proceed to walk away, and as I walked away. The machine jammed again (I need to wait longer than a minute next time); so, I went back to it to see where else the paper jammed and proceeded to fix it. He continued to watch/stare at me while I fixed it. The only reason why he stopped watching/staring and walked away was because one of our IT guys walked in to tease me about breaking the copy machine and offer to help me since he heard me unjamming it.

    Unjamming a copy machine isn't an issue for me. I am more than happy to unjam the bloody machine if I know how. The issue is that I was being watched/stared at while doing it. Typically, if a machine jams at work someone (1) asks someone to help them unjam it,  (2) unjams it themselves or (3) walks away and leaves it to be someone else's problem. There is no staring/watching involved. If a person asks for help to unjam the machine it is a team effort, and if someone happens to walk by you while you are unjamming the machine. They just walk by and make a comment or offer to help you. They do not watch/stare. 

    This isn't the first time he has watched/stared at me. He has done this before while I was walking to our other VPs office to drop a folder off, and even after I said to him I am not going to his office. He just keep on watching me and chuckled. Another time he stared at me while I was about to leave the kitchen and he was walking by it. One of my boss' scared him because he was so focused on me walking out the kitchen. 

    So... after writing this. I have come to the conclusion that I just do not being watched/stared at without a rhyme or reason or someone saying something because I become uncomfortable after I realize I am being watched/started at.