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I didn't want the clutter up the forums so I thought I just put this here so I can be excited somewhat in public...I'm talking to a girl on a dating site
And things seems to actually be going well. She's not super far way from me, she seems super nice, and I'm really hoping that we actually get to the point of meeting up. It's been such a long time since I've been attracted to someone on a dating site (probably because I was sticking to men and my attraction to men seems to be very very low anymore), let alone someone who seems to share that attraction, I really hope this works out.True, if this works out I have to have The Conversation with my dad finally but for now, I'm very happy.
That's it. I just needed to get that out so I don't accidentally explode at work and blurt it out to my blissfully unaware coworkers...
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Well the title kinda sums it up really, No title, no idea.
I haven't been here properly for a REALLY REALLY long time. I first appeared back in 2007 I think, so over 11 years ago- and I landed her by pure chance as I was bumbling my way around my sexuality and denial, and relationship and I could go on and on. So why am I back now?
Honestly I got a notification on my email about a report as a moderator and came in to turn off the notifications.... hmmm well that didn't work.... cause here I am having posted some stuff and now writing a blog.
I know i have been struggling ever since my gf and I broke up over a year and a half ago. It was a good thing to happen and I did it,. It had been coming for a really long time and some one had to just rip the plaster off once and for all. I miss the emotional connection if I am honest. It is something my hubby has never been good with and I find myself so, so sad these days without an emotional connection.
The closest thing I have is my dog, She is amazing for sure but......
So I guess I am back to vent, to have a safe space to be, to express to... hell I dunno.....
Hence no idea.
i am not good in expressing my thoughts usually.That's why i have some blogs with articles that are not my thoughts but when i read them they express what i cant say.This one is Greek and i will try to translate it as best as i can again.It touched me when i read it few days ago
Love yourself and take good care of you.
yourself is making you happy,making you feel high and low. Don't underestimate yourself about the times you were weak.You only have you.In everything,in good and bad times.In those moments that no one seem ideal to warm you and every hug feels foreign,indifferent.Don't make yourself feel sad,offer everything that yourself deserves to have,And don't get stuck to people that are no longer in your life for different reasons.Don't expect that everything will magically change and you will have the apologies that you want to have.No one was saved by an apology,a word that people usually don't appreciate.
Love and protect yourself.
Learn to spend some time alone.Learn to breath without needing oxygen from others.Don't be pathetic.
And if something isn't going right for you then there must be a reason.Just smile
Live for you,for the beautiful days that will come and for the smiles to the people you love .Always search for the truth !And always search for the light.Feel free and reveal pieces of you slowly,step by step,page by page.
Love yourself exactly as you are and others will love you too for who you are
And those that are worth will be friends,companions,partners in your life.They will be there for you,holding your hand in the most beautiful,the most amazing moments in your life.They will be laughing along with you because they will have no choice.And when you fall ,they will smile until you feel that you are not alone ,they are right there with you.
They are the ones that they saw you,they made an effort to learn all about you,they hugged you,they gave you everything that you needed without even asking.The ones that loved you in your bad and in your good days,that made a choice to be with you because you gave them too a part of your life.You became a special color in the palette of their life.You stayed in their reality and shared .Shared all those things that made you find a common ground and you started building on it.A friendship,a love,a pure feeling.
Love yourself and don't get lost
Try not to give everything,always keep something for you too.The "too much" is tiresome, is scary.It shares drown insecurities,hidden fears,words that want to be heard from lips that never dared.Open your soul where you know you will not get lost.And if you do just trust yourself,be saved by you.Keep yourself high .love yourself.
And never forget....
the ones that they deserve to be in our life are the ones that prove to us that they need us in theirs too'
sorry if in some parts you dont understand.I am thinking in Greek and sometimes i write the literal meaning of words
The Birth of Venus by the Italian artist Sandro Botticelli is one of the most famous paintings in the world and is seen at it's home in the Uffizi Gallery in Florence, Italy by upwards of 2 million people per year. Painted sometime in the 1480s, it depicts the goddess Venus arriving at the shore after her birth, when she had emerged from the sea fully-grown.
Ideally this is how one would like to view the painting, up close, alone, with lots of time for inspection and admiration.
This is how most people probably experience the painting - in a busy, perhaps noisy crowd of people jockeying for time and space to get a few minutes of close viewing.
Now there is a new way to appreciate this, and many other great works of art; Google Arts & Culture is a relatively new initiative by Google to provide free access to the artistic wealth of the world in unprecedented digital quality.
Google uses a new gigapixel camera to scan famous paintings at resolutions of up to one billion pixels, which allows one to zoom in...
and in until your entire screen is filled with sharp detail of Venus's left eye.
You can check it out at the link below:
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Ok I have been suffering from depression since about 13 years old. Most of the time I have it under control. These last 8 years have been hard, my dh has depression that requires medication and has had 4 bad episodes that has ment I have had to step up and sort everything out. The the ptsd started 4 years ago with depression. While my husband has been bad I have found it really had to cope with the depression of my own some days I get through really well. My husband is doing amazing and back in a job that he loves (was working somewhere he was just earning money) and he has light in his eyes again. Now he is better (I know it will never go away) than he has been in so many years I think all the depression that I have had to stop from coming through is now showing its ugly head. This last 2 months have been so hard. I have wonderful children and dh. I have an amazing job that is different every bank shift I do. I am so tired, tearful, distracted on doing things (not at work), my memory is shocking which is not good, not sleeping well enough and I can't stop feeling hungry. I think I might have to bite the bullet and go back to doctor, explain that it's getting worse (seen them before and did courses to try and help) and that I might need more input on what to do next. Or I could get an appointment to see works councler (I don't want to tell them) to see if they can help but it's not work related so I'm not sure if I want to. I don't know my brain is all muddled and I feel rubbish.
I was washing the dishes and I started to cry, the phone went and it was a friend calling to speak to dh but all I heard was my 3 year old God daughter saying Auntie ****ty its you, were coming to your house soon and I want to show you ......... she told me all about the kinder egg cars she is collecting and loads of other things. She makes me smile. She took over the phone call dad didn't get to say much. She cheered me up.
I should tell my dh about the depression but I'm worried that it might trigger his off.
Time to try and sleep
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The Red Rose Girls were a group American artists who were active in the early 20th century; Jessie Willcox Smith, Violet Oakley and Elizabeth Shippen Green all had distinguished careers and continue to be inspirations for aspiring women artists today.
From left to right: Elizabeth Shippen Green, Violet Oakley, Jessie Willcox Smith and Henrietta Cozens in their Chestnut Street studio (1901)
Smith and Green produced many illustrations for children's books as well as for some of the largest publications of the day including Scribner's, Collier's, Haper's, Ladies Home Journal and Good Housekeeping. Oakley became an accomplished muralist and spent a good part of her career painting murals for the Pennsylvania State Capital building.
Mother and Child - Jessie Willcox Smith (1908)
Youth and the Arts - Violet Oakley (1910-1911)
They were fortunate to have the support of their families to train as artists, which at the time, was one of a limited number of viable careers for young women to consider. The default "career" for most women was to become wives and mothers. Other possibilities included teaching, housekeeping and sewing but competition among women for these types of careers was fierce and wages were relatively low.
The Journey - Elizabeth Shippen Green (1903)
Smith, Oakley and Green were also fortunate to start their careers near the turn of the 20th century when there was a large and growing demand for artists and illustrators to create pictures for popular books, periodicals and magazines. While the opportunities for women artists were growing there were still systemic barriers in artist training including the prohibition of using live nudes in sketching classes. These unfair customs were beginning to be challenged though by women artists surreptitiously taking turns at being the live nude model for the others.
The Womens' Life Class - Alice Barber Stephens (1879)
The three women met while attending an illustration course at the Drexler Institute taught by Howard Pyle, an accomplished illustrator and writer famous for his creation of Robin Hood. One day he assigned Smith and Oakley to work together on an illustration project and they discovered that they enjoyed working cooperatively which proved to be the spark for a lifetime of friendship and collaboration.
The Genius of Art - Howard Pyle (c.1903)
Pyle was instrumental in getting a commission for Violet and Jessie to illustrate the novel Evangeline by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow in 1897 and he urged the women to follow a professional career path which would allow the full development of their artistic potential as well as provide them with financial independence. Oakley and Smith became roommates with Green and a fourth woman, Henrietta Cozens, who wasn't an artist but who acted as a "wife" for the other three and took care of all domestic necessities.
From left to right: Elizabeth Shippen Green, Violet Oakley, Jessie Willcox Smith and Henrietta Cozens (ca.1901) Above - official publicity photo Below - moments after the above
They first lived together in a studio apartment in Philadelphia and later moved to a more spacious and tranquil location in the suburbs called The Red Rose Inn - which is how they acquired their nickname. The four women were completely devoted to each other and made a vow to live together as a family forever - they even gave themselves a communal surname - Cogs - which represented the first letter of each of their maiden surnames. The communal family grew over time to include cats and a dog, Prince, and elderly members of Elizabeth's and Violet's family.
The Red Rose Girls were much more than just artistic colleagues or friends; their communal family shared many characteristics with what was known at the time as a "Boston marriage", which was the term used to describe unmarried women who lived together in supposedly asexual relationships, but which featured emotional intimacy and openly expressed passionate love. Such romantic friendships were accepted by society because women were assumed to be asexual unless part of a heterosexual marriage; they were thus considered a suitable life choice for newly independent women who chose a career over a husband and children.
Elizabeth Shippen Green and Jessie Willcox Smith (date unknown)
Elizabeth Shippen Green, Jessie Willcox Smith, Violet Oakley at home (date unknown)
One can see evidence for the societal acceptance of Boston marriages in the late 19th and early 20th century by looking at the campus culture(s) at all-women universities of the time. Officially sanctioned social activities prohibited men from attendance but encouraged the formation of strong emotional ties among the students. The events were meant to be romantic affairs and any resulting infatuations between students evidently did not displease the young women, the university administrators nor the general public.
Daisy Chain Procession At Vassar - Fay Poughkeepsie
An article in the January 1985 periodical The Century entitled "Festivals in American Colleges for Women" describes one event at Smith College:
"Looking down from the running-track on seven or eight hundred girls dancing together, one is struck by the almost theatrical effect of the swaying forms and bright colors against the background of lavish decoration with which the second class has tried to outdo the class above. Men are not missed, so well are their places filled by the assiduous sophomores. Each new girl is escorted to the gymnasium by her partner, who in addition to filling her dancing-card and sending her flowers, provides her with a "memrobil," sees that she meets the right person for each dance, entertains her during refreshments and escorts her home."
Vassar Class Day on the Lawn (1895)
Boston marriages were quite common among women faculty at women's universities and colleges in the late 1800s and early 1900s. According to Lillian Faderman, of the 53 women faculty at Wellesley College in 1895 only one was married to a man and most of the rest were living with a woman.
Promenade by Constant - Emile Troyon (c.1850)
Society's perceptions about the innocence and benevolence of romantic friendships between women slowly began to change, first in Europe and later in North America. Psychologists and sexologists started to look into the nature of women's romantic friendships and found that in many cases the women involved were not asexual and were instead having genital sex with each other. An article by Dr. Havelock Ellis in a 1902 issue of the Pacific Medical Journal warned that the crushes that young women developed in all-women colleges were increasingly showing signs of physical affection:
"They kiss each other fondly on every occasion. They embrace each other with mutual satisfaction. It is most natural, in the interchange of visits, for them to sleep together. They learn the pleasure of direct contact, and in the course of their fondling they resort to cunnilinguistic practices. . . . After this a normal sex act fails to satisfy..."
In Bed, The Kiss - Henri Toulouse-Letrec (1892)
The alarm of the researchers slowly seeped into the attitudes and perceptions of society and by the 1920s Boston marriages and romantic friendships between women were beginning to be regarded as likely places of "abnormal" and "deviant" sex. The word lesbian began to be used to describe women who lived together and it was presumed that such relationships included sex.
Alice Austen - The Darned Club, October 29, 1891. (from left to right Alice, Trude Eccleston, Julia Marsh and Sue Ripley. (The name Darned Club was coined by local disrespectful men)
The Red Rose Girls were probably not aware of the gradual change of society's attitude about their communal family, and thus they probably saw nothing abnormal at all about their mutual affection, even if it did include sleeping together and having sex. The consensus of opinion seems to be that they likely were lovers in the contemporary sense but without the concrete recognition of it from society (either positive or negative). One can imagine that from their point of view their relationship(s) were a blissful state of natural and normal love between women.
The Kingdom of Heaven - Violet Oakley (1903)
Elizabeth, Violet, Jessie and Henrietta were inspiring role models who showed how women could become professionally successful and financially independent through hard work and mutual support. They exemplified the "New Woman" movement of the time which was the term given to women who were educated, vocal, and increasingly free of oppressive social norms. They remain inspirations today for the same reasons but also for the example of their communal and romantic family, which in today's atmosphere of acceptance of alternative lifestyles, could be considered as a valid model for many, if not most women.
Life was Made for Love and Cheer - Elizabeth Shippen Green (1904) [depicts Green, Smith, Oakley and Cozens with friends and guests at the Red Rose Inn. Their St. Bernard, Prince is in the foreground.]
from A Child's Garden of Verses - Jessie Willcox Smith (1905)
Trio at Cogslea: Elizabeth Shippen Green, Henrietta Cozens, and Jessie Willcox Smith - Violet Oakley (unfinished)
The Library - Elizabeth Shippen Green (1905)
The Red Rose Girls: An Uncommon Story of Art and Love - by Alice Walker
An excellent biography, highly recommended.
Boston Marriages: Romantic but Asexual Relationships Among Contemporary Lesbians by Esther D. Rothblum (Editor)
The Red Rose Girls -New Exhibit Documents Early 20th Century Trio of Women Artists, an audio interview with author Alice Carter
#HerStory 11: The Red Rose Girls by Janet K Lee, a short podcast interview
“God-gifted girls”: The Rise of Women Illustrators in Late Nineteenth-Century Philadelphia by Patricia Smith Scanlan
Roses in January - January 9, 2012 blogpost in Wissahickon Schist:
Gardening in Northwest Philadelphia along the Wissahickon Watershed
AMERICAS FINEST: THE RED ROSE GIRLS (1863-1935) - February 23, 2013 blogpost in VICTORIAN MUSINGS
THE GOLDEN AGE OF ILLUSTRATION: THE RED ROSE GIRLS - November 21, 2017 blogpost in ENCHANTED CONVERSATION: FAIRY TALES, FOLKTALES & MYTHS
The Early Career of Violet Oakley, Illustrator by Bailey Van Hook
Woman's Art Journal, Vol. 30, No. 1 (Spring/Summer 2009), pp. 29-38
A Grand Vision: Violet Oakley and the American Renaissance
Red Rose Girls by Mark W. Sullivan, entry in The Encyclopedia of Greater Philadelphia
Howard Pyle, a blog by Iab Sschoenherr
Alice Austen House, The Darned Club
Red Rose Girls
Elizabeth Shippen Green
Jessie Willcox Smith
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So it has been eye opening to say the least...my mom was in the hospital for 2 weeks and had a heart cath and a valve replaced. She is home now and on oxygen and recovering nicely.
It was during this time that i became aware of how certain family members suck and how im treated by them-
1. My sister in law got mad at me for crying in my mom's room and for being frustrated with her. She is one of those Christian types who goes by faith and all she does is pray about everything...honestly annoying to those around who don't believe and full well know this.
2. I then try to ask for some space from her and she blows up at me. I thought we were fine until she goes to my brother because im being too blunt with her and no matter what i said to defend myself, he took up for her. So i apologized to keep things good between us as she is doing my laundry and my brother is bringing me to work.
3. Then while my sister was here, my sister in law felt the need to show off constantly and often talked to me like i knew nothing. They got mad when we went shopping and i didn't want stuff at the store we were at and got pissy about going to another store...my sister in law got mad because i didn't automatically agree with the fruits she wanted me to get..
4. The whole time not one of them asked how i was doing and would get pissy when i wanted to see my mom in icu by myself. There church friends were more concerned about how they felt and not one mentioned me to see how i was doing..and i live with my mom...
5. My sister in law even went to our landlord about how our house is and no one told me until my landlord was bringing me to work that morning!
6. While we were waiting for my mom to get her surgery done, my sister in law was more concerned with going to see her friend who was in the same hospital and not once did she ask how i was doing that day. She was being very self absorbed and didn't really see how i was feeling...
7. Its after this that i don't even want to be around my sister in law as she is so fake and Thanksgiving/my birthday was hard enough. I went over on Thanksgiving for my mom because i knew she would want me to go with her.
8. Luckily i had great people at work and our landlord and friends of my mom who were there for me during all this..
After all this, i will be glad when my mom can drive and we can get back to normal..i knew there was a reason i didn't care for my sister in law and now i know for sure...
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It's nice to dream. It's nice to lay down and stare at the ceiling and think about how it will feel when her arms are wrapped around me, and my face is nestled in her neck, and her body is soft and warm against mine. I will feel safe and warm and loved and happy, and most importantly, I will feel myself.
Then thoughts of reality start. Small thoughts at first. Small thoughts that are causing the ground below us to slowly crack. Then the thoughts continue, more and more of them, until the small crack in the ground opens and get wider and wider until it's a giant crevice meaning she is out of my reach. Suddenly she's so far away from me, that I can no longer feel the warmth or the safety, and I am no longer myself.
Then I feel a fool for letting myself dream.
It’s been a while since I updated. Y and I are physically getting closer each time we see one another. I’ve been learning how to do reiki.
The other day we were doing our usual morning texts, which led into her asking if I could come over and do reiki on her chest. My heart skipped a little and I smiled. I texted her saying sure, but we all know more was going through my head. She said she would rub me in return.
Both of my sons were at school for the morning, so I went over to her house while her son waited for school.
While we were in the kitchen, she made sure her son was occupied in the other room. She leaned me over on the counter and started massaging softly, which gradually got harder.
I turned to look around because it took me by surprise.
“What’s wrong? Do you want to do this somewhere else?” She asked me.
I shook my head no, stupid stupid stupid!
She began talking about her husband and how much she hates him lately. I just kept listening.
She began using her fingertips down my spine. It felt like a thousand lightning bolts went straight down to my vagina. Oh. My. Lord. She was running her fingers down my arms, hips, upper legs. I was throbbing down there. My breathing was deeper and faster. I swear if she kept going another 5 minutes I would have orgasmed.
After a while she said her fingers were hurting (she has carpal tunnel) and needed a break. I told her she didn’t have to again if she was hurting.
You could cut the sexual tension with a knife. Wow. She kept looking at my chest right after that, and I kept smirking at her looking at her fingers. I didn’t have time to do reiki on her chest. Too bad, because any excuse to touch her chest again!
Is this what a woman’s touch feels like?! It feels so different than when my husband touches me. Because wow.
And like she has done in the past, she became distant after this happened.
I’m so afraid to make a physical move. It’s way out of my comfort zone. What do you think? Is she making it obvious and giving me an opening to make a move?
Wow I can't believe it's been a while since I've written a blog here. I didn't even blog about this past summer and the great time I had when netty was here visiting me with her daughter.
We went to the fireworks together, went to Itchatucknee springs and floated down the river, I had to work some but after the first week they were here I quit the job I was working at so I could spend the second week with them. Its okay I did get another job so it all worked out. After she left to go back home I was excited because I knew that 3 months later I would get to fly out to see her for the second time since we've been together. This time I would be with her on her birthday and also be celebrating our 4th year together.
It's always a treat when I get to see her and spend time with her, but it was especially nice this time because I also got to visit my dog and the cats. I can't have pets here where I am so I just have to wait until I move over there to have my animals. When she met me at the airport this time with the dog in the car, he didn't know me and I had a hat on. He doesn't like men so I guess he must have thought I was a strange man and he growled at me and nipped at me, but once we got going down the road he was fine and when we got to the hotel he was fine. We got along just fine after we got settled into the room. Then we went into the village where she grew up and walked around places where she walked and played as a child. We also looked at the church she grew up going to. We didn't go inside because it was getting late. We went to a pub in the village and had a nice meal and drank some beer.
We stayed in a hotel just a little bit outside of the London area. We went into Cambridge on a Saturday, it was a nasty wet rainy day. It was also a bit chilly and I loved it because it was still boiling hot here in the deep south. We went shopping in Cambridge and we ate at this lovely place called Butch Annie's and it was one of the best hamburgers I have ever had. The meal was wonderful.
The next day on Sunday we went into Hyde Park London and walked the dog around and went to see Buckingham Palace. I can see why it would be so well guarded. The Queen was home because the flag was flying. On the way to see Buckingham Palace we stopped along the way at a place called Kensington gardens? Hope I spelled that right, anyhow there are these ring necked parakeets that will fly down and land on you to eat seeds out of your hands. I wish I had known that because I would've brought some seeds with me to feed the birds. I also got to see where the Royal Mounted Regiment were housed, as well as visiting the Natural History Museum. We didn't have time to see all the sights of London but it was nice to just be there with netty. When I move over there I'm sure I will get to see more of London. As we were driving through the heart of the city I did get to take some great pictures of Westminster Abbey, big Ben, and the eye of London. I really wanted to go on that ferris wheel but we ran out of time. By the time it came for us to leave to go back to the hotel we were both very tired. We ate at a place called Toby Carvery, it reminded me of the Picadilly that we used to have back home here. The food was very good and hit the spot.
Let me just say this, the food quality seems to be much better over there than it does here because it just seems like over here in the states the food industry wants people to eat out all the time and not fix healthy meals at home. There isn't as much sugar in some of the foods and drinks so I think once I'm living there that I will be able to drop off the pounds and exercise because netty and I will want to take time to enjoy each other's company and take the dog on long walks together. There are so many nice places we can go that aren't that far from where she lives.
Before we left Ashwell, that's the village, we were able to go inside the church and buy some books from the ladies who had had a book sale over the weekend in the church. We also bought some very yummy food from the bakery. Netty says she remembers getting nice pastries from there when she was growing up. After that netty took me up to a field where we could let the dog run for a bit while we looked for fossils on the ground. We found some very interesting rocks but I don't think we found any great fossils this time.
Then it was time for us to go home, where one day I will call it home too. It was a long ride but we made it home late. When we got there netty didn't have the proper key for the inside door, not the main door, but the inside door. We couldn't get in because the key was locked inside hanging up. Before she came to pick me up at the airport she was concerned about some water drainage at the back of the house outside so in her haste while checking on it she didn't think to grab the keys for the door and left them hanging. Since she was going to replace the door eventually, she decided to just muscle her way inside with the hammer. It worked and we were finally inside. Home Sweet Home away from Home.
It's not easy being this far apart all the time, but now we at least have a goal in mind that by this summer sometime hopefully in July, we will get married, and then before the next summer, sometime in 2020, hopefully I'll be able to move over there and live.
So many more things I could talk about what we did and where we went, but every time I'm with netty, we always try to do new things and make new memories. She showed me the three places she was thinking about for our wedding and I think we've narrowed it down and decided on one place. It will be beautiful there. Like I said I could write more about this visit, but tomorrow I'm working both jobs and I'm pretty tired right now so I'm going to wrap this up until the next time........
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I've been in this funk for well over a year now. This loneliness is killing me on the inside. I don't know how to even began to get out of this sadness.
I've tried everything I can think of to get out of this..... still I stand in my loneliness. I feel like I'm just going through the motions just to get by.
I feel so used and broken.
I feel like I'm not a good friend, wife, mother, daughter or sister.
The other weekend it was Manchester Pride and I was along with a big table full of bi stuff at the community fair. BCN bi magazines and subscription forms, the Getting Bi In A Gay / Straight World guides to coming out and staying out, bi & pan pin badges, bi research info about how it's different for bis, Visibly Bisexual stickers to pop on the back of your phone, some shiny new leaflets that I've just had made that help people find local bi support group meets near them all over the country... you get the idea.
Running a stall like that for two days you get to have a lot of conversations. Some are better forgotten, but some really strike home.
One was with a 13 year old and her parents, who were super-supportive and whose school had helped her set up an LGBT group for pupils. Lots of members, all older than her: but her being out to teachers has been a catalyst for a whole bunch of teens feeling less alone. I gave her as big a pile of resources to take for their classroom as I dared.
One was a woman maybe three times that age. She clearly had gay and gay-friendly friends, but there being bi stuff out there, there being other people who would put all those moments of silencing and erasing we live with as bis into words was like more than she had ever imagined she could find. We wound up in hugging as her tears started. That isolation we get from bisexual invisibility is so damn powerful.
Definitely worth being out and visible for the weekend.
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I’ve been a member here for two years now, I love shybi...this place has become crucial to my sanity. It is my safe haven when I need a place to breathe, my sounding board when I need to vent, and most importantly, my support system. You ladies are my therapists, my teachers, and my friends. I don't know how I would cope without having a place like this for self expression. Here I am free to be the me that I want to be, but can't in 'the real world'. Here I don't have to hide, or pretend, instead I can be emotional and vulnerable. Here, it's ok to be bisexual, and express my thoughts and feelings towards women. You may not always like what I have to say, or agree with me, but you listen, and make me feel heard. You make me feel truly grateful to be part of this community...I love it here...
However...there is a downside...there's always a downside....envy! I'm not the only one who feels free to express my thoughts and feelings here, there are many many more of you. I love hearing about your lives and situations...understanding our similarities as well as our differences. Some of you I've gotten to know more personally than others, but regardless, I find everyone's story interesting. It's refreshing to see just how many of you are out there, confirming that I am not alone. The problem is, the more I learn about you wonderful women, the more I realize just how envious I am of you...
Some of you are happily married to a man and successfully maintain an intimate relationship with a woman in addition to your marriage...I envy you...because you've managed to achieve my ideal situation.
Some of you are involved in long distance relationships, whether it be your ‘primary’ or ‘secondary’ relationship, some maybe restricted to online. Even though that would be difficult, I still envy you...because you have the emotional connection.
Some of you have explored your sexuality prior to your marriage but now feel incomplete because you miss that female connection...I still envy you...because you figured this shit out before settling down.
Some of you have experienced mutual meaningful relationships with women (whether married or not) and for one reason or another parted ways and you've lost the love of your life...I envy you...because you've had such profound love to begin with.
Others are single and feel lonely because you haven't yet found the right person...I envy you...because you're free to explore.
Have you talked to your husband about your desires and he surprised you with his understanding and support? I envy you...because you can communicate openly.
Have the perfect marriage but hoping to find that one missing piece of the puzzle? I envy you...because my puzzle has pieces scattered all over the floor and I don't know what goes where.
I mean I could go on and on...you all have different situations, and I'm truly happy for each and every one of you...but I'm also envious of you. You have something that I want, whether you have it now, or in the past, or may in the future...
I wish I had the perfect marriage...I wish I had open communication with my husband...I wish he showed me support and understanding. I wish I was free to explore my sexuality in my own way, on my own terms. I wish I could have some of what many of you ladies here have, or had...I envy you!
So I’m 5months along and single and jobless.
Last month, I’m chilling in my room talking to my mom on the phone, and I look up and see my boyfriend walking up the stairs. I get excited because I hadn’t seen him for almost two weeks. I tell my mom I’ll call her back and hang up.
He hugs me and says the worst words possible. “We need to talk.”
So we both sit down and he flat out says, “We need to break up.”
I’m too shocked to react as he goes on about us not being right for each other and that he thinks it best if he has time to figure stuff out. He trembling at this point and I reach over and take hold of his hands. He proceeds to say he still wants to be there for the baby and he thinks I must hate him now. I told him that I don’t hate him. We hugged and he got most of his stuff and left.
Then everything hit me at once and I called my mom crying and she (being the mama bear she is) got pissed. After getting off the phone with her. I called my best friend and talked about it with her. She helped calm me down and convinced me to go eat something (after finding out I hadn’t eaten since 10 that morning and it was about 9pm when we started talking). I just felt so lost. I didn’t understand and probably won’t understand what went wrong.
Over the next few days it started to frustrate me more and more. Why hadn’t he talked to me about how he was feeling beforehand? Why did he go to other people? He got upset with me earlier in our relationship because something happened and I felt I couldn’t say anything to him. So he found out what happened and then got upset that I didn’t communicate because it was all a misunderstanding. So from then on, we had been open books about stuff to each other. Or so I thought...
A few more days go by and I found more of his stuff to return and I figured, he said he wanted to be there for our child so I’ll give him a couple of the ultrasound pictures. I put them in a baggie and then put it in on the side of the big bag with the rest of his stuff. I had a couple errands to run that day in the same town so I sent him a text saying what time I’d be up there.
Well it started to storm and he wasn’t answering, so I just texted his mom and asked if I could just drop off the stuff at the house. She told me she was absolutely okay with it. So I got there and it was pouring down rain. His dad came out of the house and waved at me to park under the covering. So I did and as I was getting out he (being a nice guy) takes the bag from me to take inside. Then an “oh sh*t” moment happened.
I had my back turned head back to my car and his dad stops me and asks if I could come inside for a minute. I kind of thought that was weird, but I obliged. When I got inside his dad was at the bathroom door pounding on it and yelling out my ex’s full name. His mom greeted me and asked me if that was his stuff in the bag and when I looked over (after confirming) I saw the pictures on top of everything. His dad and, now, his mom had seen them.
So, not only did he break up with me, he never told his parents about our child, and he didn’t show up to any of the appointments.
Well, at this point I’m heartbroken and hormonal. One of the worst mixes of emotions and I ended up getting fired from my job because a comment I made was taken out of context and they wouldn’t even give me a chance to explain. They suspended me and then told me I was okay to come back to work and then fired me when I stepped foot inside the building.
So, currently, I’ve been trying to find a desk job and dealing with other stuff going on.
Good news is, my parents put an offer on the table for me to live with them once my lease is up, not worry about working, so long as I do some housework, take care of my son (yup, baby is a boy!! ), and go back to school online at their expense. How could I say no to that?
I know you won't see this. I know I've already apologized. And I know you've already forgiven me. But I haven't forgiven me, so I'm putting this here as a promise to both of us.
I'll learn to forgive myself for what I've done to us in time. In the meantime, I'll fix the pieces I've broken and build us back up even stronger. Despite that it was unintentional, I'm ashamed and disappointed in myself for what I've done. I wasn't supposed to do what everyone else did to you, but I know that I will fix it like none of them ever could because what we have is real and it means so much to me. What I feel for you is real and it's never faltered. My words might only be words to you for now, until I show you with actions that you can believe in my words again. I can live with that because I know that it can be done. I will be stronger for us. It's my turn to take care of you now. I won't disappoint you. <3
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I never thought I'd do a post like this. But it's something I feel more than one of you can relate to. And it might be some comfort to know that you are not alone with these feelings. The things that lay in the dark, best left not given voice to for fear you will break someone else's reality, when all you do is want to scream, or want to cry, or worse want to fold it all in on itself, pack it in and want to die.
As much as this may help, it may also hurt, so major [TRIGGER WARNING] to anyone who suffers from depression or is suicidal. Don't watch or listen to the videos contained herein BEFORE the break (the first 4 spoken word pieces, or quotes, some may find triggering...the 3 music videos at end should be fine, but you may or may not like depending on your taste.) if you can't handle hearing things that sound too much like what is in your head, or mine...Please don't hurt yourself and know you are not alone. Others of us struggle just to live sometimes, often, or nearly everyday. I know it might sound trite to you, as everyone likes to say this, but take it from someone who knows firsthand what you are going through: It's an uphill battle but it can get better so long as you don't throw your life away. Time changes everything, and we always feel differently in time. Please don't make an impulsive decision based on the pain you feel in the moment because our situations are forever changing and making a permanent and irrevocable decision in such a time should never be the answer, no matter how badly you wish for it, or think it so in the heat of the moment. There are people who care, people you might not even yet know, people who will miss you. Even if it feels like there's no one, and can never be, and you are nothing but a burden, or worthless, or whatever other pretty lies fill your mind from your Depressive Side.
Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem and resolves nothing except leaving an empty space were you used to be in this world. Others will grieve you, miss you, be heartbroken, and you won't be around to see it, to know that these same people would likely have tried to comfort you if only they had known something was wrong sooner. Talk to a friend, family member, or anyone you can trust to listen, or baring that try to find something creative to channel your feelings into, if you can, be it art, music, writing, or whatever works for you. It can really help. Or you can use one of the resources below if you aren't sure who else to turn to or where else to turn.
Here are some resources for you in case this sounds too much like you, please reach out, even if everything in you is telling you not to, even if you're feeling so low it may seem pointless. Talking to someone, anyone, is so much better than the alternative:
Bosnia & Herzegovina: 080 05 03 05
Canada: 5147234000 (Montreal); 18662773553 (outside Montreal)
Estonia: 3726558088; in Russian 3726555688
Finland: 010 195 202
Hong Kong: +852 2382 0000
New Zealand: 045861048
Portugal: 21 854 07 40/8 . 96 898 21 50
South Africa: 0514445691
United Kingdom: 08457909090
Veterans' Crisis Line: 1 800 273 8255/ text 838255
For other suicide resources and hotlines broken down by region, or may not have been in this list, go here: http://www.suicide.org/suicide-hotlines.html
Now onto the today's entry:
"You are a good person. An extraordinary person. Don't you forget that."
A normal person would feel comforted, possibly uplifted or even dare I say hopeful after hearing those words. Not me.
I can't because they come at the worst time for me, when I am down, it's like being trapped in Bizarro World, inside your own head. Blessings become curses, and you would rather see yourself dead. When really, like most everyone with such morbid thoughts creeping around in their brain, it's the opposite that is slowly driving them insane. As much as they feel like they should die, it's really just a cry for help from our souls screaming "I want to live!" Just give me a reason to. Anything, a sign, that this will pass in time and there will come a better tomorrow...
But instead "You are a good person. An extraordinary person. Don't you forget that." becomes:
Me wanting to cry, feeling like I'm so unworthy and undeserving of that statement even if I do deserve it, I can't feel it, feel that way. It feels like a lie even if it's not.
How can I keep loving others, keep trying, keep giving myself away, when deep down inside the secret I try to hide is -I HATE Myself-
- And it becomes more apparent everyday as more stressors in my life makes more things unstable triggering my Depression, and it becomes harder to hold at bay.
But I can't afford to lose this battle with myself because what that might mean. But if this isn't you, you can't understand where I'm coming from, so here I invite you to explore the videos below. It's not exactly the same as what goes on in my head, but it comes frighteningly close, the thought process, but the sentiments are the same, the words are, the same, it's all the same at it's core...desperately needing things to change, feeling lost and alone, swallowed by despair, and if any of you have ever felt this way, this will no doubt seem familiar to you in the same way we always look at Depression and say:
"Hello, Darkness, my old friend, come to see me once again..."
Things may get worse, before they get better, but they always will. Life is cyclic. We have to change that hateful voice in our head, replace it with kinder things. We have to find the excuses to get out of bed, and face the day. We have to remember what life was like, when our passions rode us, made us take delight in all Life's special moments that have come before us. It is always darkest before the dawn, but within us all lies the strength to carry on.
I am normally one that does not partake in self-care routines, but today I decided to give it a try. I had my very first facial every, and I really liked it. The individual who did my facial told me I had great skin even though my skin care routine is non-existent. Given that I enjoyed it, I am thinking of doing it again but may be in 2-3 months as that what she recommended. Additionally, I am now interested in getting a massage. I have horrible neck and back pains after sitting in the office all day and being on the phone. Hmmm... I wonder if I should get my nails done? Maybe I should but I am not one for nails. It will have to be short and look great.
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After watching this video again at a conference last weekend, it helped me feel so much better about having the courage to work with people in my new career. It also helped me have a better understanding of why I got angry at people after my father died whenever they kept telling me:
"I'll pray for you."
"At least he's in a better place..."
Those were band-aide responses I received when I didn't want anyone to effing pray for me or tell me something they had no idea about and made assumptions. The video especially helped me understand my irritation toward people whenever I would reach out to receive some comfort after breaking up with one of my partners or to express that I'm having a difficult time finding a partner, they'd tell me like, "...you're still with your husband, right?" In my mind, I"m like, "what made you think I was not with him?" Why is it that whenever a relationship fails with a secondary (I hate using this word because I don't like ranking my partners) or tertiary partner, the relationship with the primary partner is somewhat at fault with the other relationships. What? Seriously? My marriage had nothing to do with the failure of the relationship with my recent exes. Why is this so difficult to understand? Honestly, I think this is why I want to be a counselor and help polyamorous individuals so that they don't feel like there is no one out there who understands them. It makes me think of this in the video:
"Rarely, if ever, does an empathic response begin with '...at least'...and we do it all the time. Someone just shared something with us that is incredibly painful, and we're trying to 'silverline it' [...] we're trying to put the silver line around it..." ~Brené Brown on Empathy
Examples of people who try to Sympathize versus Empathize:
Sad person: "I had a miscarriage..."
Sympathetic person: "At least you know you can get pregnant."
Sad person: "I think my marriage is falling apart..."
Sympathetic person: "At least, you have a marriage..."
*My personal experiences*
Me: "I'm feeling depressed because I miss my father who died four years ago."
Sympathetic person: "At least you still have your mother. Think about that."
Me: "I'm sad that I haven't found the right second partner, and I'm feeling lonely right now."
Sympathetic person: "At least you still have your husband."
Here are some examples of being empathetic with a polyamorous person if you aren't poly and have no idea how to relate:
Imagine the last fight you had with your significant other. I'm not talking about the one where you forgave each other within 5 minutes. I'm talking about the one that lasted for quite some time. You felt horrible inside, and that person really hurt you deeply. Think about how that feels. Now relate that to a person who is poly and fought with one of their partners. Every relationship is unique. Deal with the current relationship with which they're upset. Don't discuss the other relationships that have nothing to do with the current one.
Think about a time you had a nasty break up, or a break up that left you feeling like you'd never find someone else again. Imagine that when trying to comfort someone who is poly and they just had a breakup. Do not discuss a relationship that has nothing to do with the current one the poly person has presented. How would you feel if someone filleted your heart and served it back to you?
You'd feel downright crappy, wouldn't you?
For aching that they're having trouble meeting other poly people for relationships:
Think about how it felt when you were looking for someone to date, and you kept meeting people who were just not right for you. Do you remember how sad that felt? Do you remember that hurt and pain? That is exactly how a poly person would feel. Worry about the current issue. Don't bring in other relationships that have nothing to do with how they currently feel.
Poly people hurt too. It's not about whether polyamory works for you or not. It is the person who is hurting that needs some comfort. That is all! I really wish people would understand that instead of assuming that because many of us are married or partnered and that we are automatically sunshine 24/7. We love differently.
That's just how I've felt for a long time. This is why I keep to myself because if I try to reach out to anyone, I get those sympathetic comments from people who have no idea how I'm feeling and don't try to understand how much I'm hurting.
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AW MEH GAWD, I'm back???
Maybe. So I peaced out Shi's for a bit just because there was someone that I didn't get along with on here and had enough drama in my life that I didn't need another invisible online person to give me shit just for speaking my mind (OMG an opinion you don't agree with?? Gahhhh!). No it's not you or you or even you in the back there. I blocked the person so you are all okay. For now :P. Kinda super turned me off from the site. But I was reminded to come back and check it a bit by a friend.
Lets see, so broke up with fiancé who been with for 9 years, broken engagement, lost "friends", moved back in with my parents, trying to look for a condo, realized that I need to put down way more of a down payment for a condo, mom had cancer and beat it but had her kidney and spleen removed, my best friend (who is also an ex) has stage 4 cancer but surviving so far (please baby jesus, let him live), so yeah.... not gonna lie, these past 3 years haven't tickled. Still healing and in pain, but making the best of it. Hoping I change to a better person. I mean, I was awesome before, but now, I can be SUPER awesome. Humble right? At least my job is steady and pays well and I have a roof over my head and a bed to crawl into. and wine. lots and lots of wine.
hope yall have been well
Hi and welcome to another installment of Philosophical Ramblings of a Menstruating Woman, if you have been following my other ramblings you will know there really is no structure to these blog posts, I usually just post whatever comes to mind and there is no telling what my fingers will type so strap in here we go.......
First of all does anyone else get road rage while grocery shopping? or am I the only one? I just don't get it, they clearly see me trying to pass them even say the polite excuse me, but to be ignored. Which reminds me of the Movie Fried Green Tomatoes, where Kathy Bates Character is trying to get a parking space and this really sporty car with young girls come in and take the spot, she yells "Tawanda" and just rams the other car with hers. I wonder what would happen if one just shouted Tawanda! and started ramming a grocery cart into a rude person's cart and just keep shouting tawanda and keep ramming their cart. I mean what is the worse that could happen?? thrown out of the store, fitted for a strange jacket that fastens in the back? Anger management classes??? Okay probably not a great idea to do in reality... but lots of crimes take place in my mind So TAWANDA! I think we need to start a TAwanda movement, I am just know it will take off!
Lets see what else do we have... So I was on youtbe and was watching these video fails videos, these are the videos were people do things and end up hurting themselves and someone was kind enough to capture the event on video and upload it to youtube so the whole world can see it. Some of them I just can't watch cause I feel so darn bad for them but you continue to watch them knowing full well you shouldn't be watching them, its like a train wreck you just can't look away. I also do the same thing when I am watching like a reality show where they are suppose to have some sort of talent and they clearly really bad, those I actually turn the channel, I feel so bad for those folks in front of millions of people. Its just so sad.... I can't take it... Also if you are on youtube and you see shark videos they will swallow you up ( Pun Intended) also when you go in the ocean try not to look so chewy!
I guess that is going to wrap this post up as I am getting sleepy ( finally), if you got this far, thanks for reading and enjoy your day/night.
It Begins With Me
To love thy self is to love without fear of what others may say.
Wear that outfit you feel makes you look a bit too fat.
That outfit that makes you look a bit too, sexy? Just wear it!
Why do I have to dress to make others feel comfortable instead of myself?
It is hot outside!
Why do I have to cover myself from head to toe because of my stretch marks?
Why do I have to hide my jiggly thighs?
Why do I have to hide my belly because it makes you uncomfortable?
The belly, which does not meet the world's terms of
What is the epitome of attractive?
If I don't love my curves, then I have allowed another win against me.
If I don't appreciate my body the way it is before I change, then I'm buying into the world's view on
Women who do not fit inside the outfits in the front of the store.
The outfits that look like flags and trash bags, yeah, those...
If I only allow those to be my options, I do not do myself justice.
I do not need to be thin to be beautiful.
I need to be human to be beautiful.
It is not like the grass is greener on the other side either.
Just because a woman is thin, doesn't mean her life is better either.
We do not know what she is fighting too.
It is not a war between the big girls and the skinny girls.
It is a war against materialism vs. realism.
Realistically, women define their beauty.
Every woman has her own size.
Every woman has her own style.
Every woman has her own beauty.
I am my beautiful.
If someone else can't accept my thickness, then it is on them.
I will not adjust myself to fit the terms someone else placed for me to be beautiful.
Walk on by, child.
I'm not for you.
I'm for someone who appreciates my beauty and never lets me forget
That which I define as my beauty.
I define my worth.
And baby, I'm worth it!
My jiggles are as vivacious as can be.
My skin, the color of milk chocolate.
My belly that bounces to the rhythm of the music I sway to.
And honey, do I sway and sway to the music that lifts my
I am the Johari, the precious gem that is like no other.
The bells that hug my hips as I shimmy my way across the floor,
Help me feel all of my femininity I forgot I had, which I was taught to be ashamed.
I am that lovely, magnificent being I longed to be.
I just never realized it and allowed myself to believe the lies
Others tried to tell me.
It begins with me.
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Founding Mothers. Think carefully as you select your answers for this next round of decisions. Our choices will further determine the scope of our Civil Rights, Economy, and Political Freedoms. @celeste teal @JadeBleu15 @Nidalaeh @moonbynight @blueberry @Sukeybaby @Apsalar15 @Mofgirl
As we are only allowed 3 questions per poll there will be more polls coming on shaping our nation.
There is a whole truth that "sex" topics in the site has proliferated recently. Some of the dead threads have come back to life and believe it or not it's because there are always a number of people who are interested to know and seek a legitimate answer. Yes, some are very explicit in details. Yes, some people have no reservations about telling a piece of their private lives in a public forum. SO, BLOODY WHAT? A lot of women here WILL NOT EVER DARE to talk about what’s in their mind with their friends, with their husbands, with their siblings, or with anyone...because they can’t for the fear of being misunderstood, shame, prejudice, societal differences, personal biases and surrounded by bloody holier-than-thou people around them. This site is created to be a safe haven for everyone.
When I joined the site last year, it was full of “meaningful” discussions everywhere. What is meaningful for me may not be meaningful for others. What is meaningful for me? Anything that I can relate to because it serves certain purpose to me, or piqued my interest or passion, or something I perceived as valid in my life. Since joining, I have learned a lot about my sexuality, life itself, sex and other hardcore (as interpreted by my innocent thinking mind) stuff. I’ve been actively visiting the site and like many things in the world, the conversations in an online forum like Shybi has its ebb and flow. This pattern is dependent on many factors: how many members are in a problematic or particular situations that post to seek advice, number of postings created by members who are searching for answers or advice; and the high influence of the subsequent responses of the members to the post that makes it more relevant and interesting. In my observation since last year, many members who were actively contributing to the forums (seeking advice and/or giving advice) had ceased to be around for some reasons and I do believe that it’s due to life priorities. Other members, however, are just happy to look around quietly here. For whatever reason, sometimes,they decide to pop their thinking head out of their cave and join the conversation. That is fine.
I could go on and go on but I’m tired now and I have to work tomorrow. So, I will rest my case here.
Something to ponder...
“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.” -- Paulo Coelho
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3 Ways to Roast Mixed Vegetables
If you'd like to make a mixed-vegetable side dish, you have three options.
- Roast vegetables individually: First, and easiest, you can roast the individual vegetables on separate trays and combine them after roasting. This lets you monitor how quickly each vegetable is cooking and pull each vegetable from the oven as it's done.
- Pair "vegetable friends": Second, you can pair together "vegetable friends" — ones that roast at roughly the same rate. For instance, you could roast cauliflower and broccoli together, or butternut squash with potatoes. Combine these on the same baking sheet and roast them together. If the baking sheet is getting crowded, split them between two sheets.
- Roast in stages: Third, you can add different vegetables to the baking sheet in stages — start roasting the hardest, longest-cooking vegetables first, and then add softer, quicker-cooking vegetables later on. If the baking sheet starts to get full, split the vegetables between two pans so you don't crowd the them. Aim to have all the vegetables finish roasting around the same time, and remember: A little extra roasting time is unlikely to hurt.
General Roasting Times for Vegetables
Cooking times are for roasting vegetables at 425°F.
- Root vegetables (beets, potatoes, carrots): 30 to 45 minutes, depending on how small you cut them
- Winter squash (butternut squash, acorn squash): 20 to 60 minutes, depending on how small you cut them
- Crucifers (broccoli, cauliflower, Brussels sprouts): 15 to 25 minutes
- Soft vegetables (zucchini, summer squash, bell peppers): 10 to 20 minutes
- Thin vegetables (asparagus, green beans): 10 to 20 minutes
- Onions: 30 to 45 minutes, depending on how crispy you like them
- Tomatoes: 15 to 20 minutes
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