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I just saw the Black Panther movie on Sunday and have been excitedly discussing it with my new paramour ever since. If you haven't watched it yet, spoiler alert! Most of my comments are just about worldbuilding but I may mention some plot details.
Others have written far better than I can about this movie as a beautiful affirmation of all things African. Complimentary to that, it's also a powerful display of feminism. While the lesbian subplot of the Coates run was missing in the movie, it's still full of strong women who are realized as complex individuals. They also have different strengths from one another: prowess in battle, understanding of technology, knowledge of herbal lore, mastery of politics. Often in Hollywood speak "strong female character" seems to be code for "Jean Claude Van Damme with boobs." Here instead is a display of strong women as respected and integral members of society, not mere tokens.
Obviously any feminist take on Black Panther would be remiss without addressing the Dora Milaje. They kick ass like nobody's business, for sure. But they are also much more complex than that. Their purpose is not military might for its own sake but protection of peace and prosperity for the civilians. Wakanda reminded me less of Themyscira than of @celeste teal's description of Herland. Even General Okoye emphasizes that war is an absolute last resort. When's the last time you heard a male general arguing vehemently against war?
Afro-futurism holds out the promise of a world in which technological progress enables everybody to live free of oppression and that's beautiful. In battle and politics, we need to remember not just what we fight against but what we fight for. We may not have vibranium in real life but we can still have good government. Wakanda forever!
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Heather: Dr. Doctor, I think I've caught something serious. Something serious from a woman.
Dr. Doctor: I'll try to help you. Tell me, what have you been feeling that ails you?
Heather: I've been feeling so many things since I've come in contact with her...
I think about her everyday and many times a day.
I leap for joy at every opportunity I have to talk to her and to listen to her.
She upstages every women with her beauty that has captured my eyes, my mind, and quite possibly, my heart.
I am taken aback with our unlikely and serendipitous encounter. What were my odds of finding a woman with the worldview and values that so closely mirrors mine? Oh, how good she and I can be for each other!
I hope so dearly that she feels something special for me as I do for her.
I fear so dreadfully that she doesn't feel something special for me as I do for her.
I try to prepare myself for the devastation that may strike me in the event that she doesn't want me the way I want her. I fight with my emotions as I try to accept my inability to fully prepare for these foreign feeling that have already blindsided me.
I am captivated and terrified.
Heather: Dr. Doctor, what should I do? Is there a treatment for this? What is my prognosis?
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Shybi is a truly unique space. When I rocked up here. I’d had a fair bit of experience in the obvious areas and the meaningful ones too. But I wasn’t comfortable.
At first I thought this had nothing to do with my sexuality. I assumed Shybi was a meet up board by the way. Didn’t read the about or the rules. I obviously realized in a few seconds! I remember think oh well, nevermind. I was starving that day and overtired and my casual date had cancelled, but I stayed and read a few topics and thought - hey, I can reply to that!
My life was a bit of a mess but I hadn’t connected that my sexual being and even my ability to love a person could exist fully, while still feeling pain, stress and shame about living an almost split life as a result. I’d actually shut down communicating with the people who mattered, just enough to keep us going along - it’s possible to be well matched with more than one person, only to realize that all of you need to work on yourselves as individuals and that compromise in a relationship can become self-sabotage without you even realizing.
So I stuck around went through some harder times - AKA the cryptic status updates, for any of the older members who remember! Somehow supporting and interacting with you all made me feel useful. Despite having quite a lot in my life at the time, I didn’t feel that.
Over time, your thoughts, feelings and experiences started to have this affect on me. As some of you were questioning yourselves and sharing your journeys, I began to look at myself and saw that I did have insecurities surrounding my sexuality, I responded and supported in the way that was and still is most authentic to me and I was surprised by how natural that felt.
By being here, I was able to reconnect with myself and remember that my sexuality is part of me, it’s not an add-on that I need to sideline or usher away, I’m not the shout it from the rooftops kinda woman, but I am excited by the prospect of living, loving and experiencing again.
The diversity here has enabled me to understand women better. Sounds silly, but since joining Shybi I understand and empathize more - I often don’t agree but I think without even realizing it, I was repressing parts of myself. Although I’ve always struggled to relate to women from a young age, the opposite of what many of you say, and that’s improved too. I’ve been on here 4 years? So I’ve had time to slowly work things out.
Having said that, all of my close girlfriends are similar in nature and we do pretty much cover the spectrum and I’m lucky to have that, but I hadn’t talked to them about anything personal/relationships in years. Pretty ironic, you’ve gay and bisexual friends and it never comes up? Well it did and I was once pretty open, but I spent about half a decade, essentially locked in internalized homophobia. I didn’t see it setting in and so it’s no big deal they stop asking and you talk about other things.
For me it came from a place of now your female, non-white, from a low background and it doesn’t matter that you’re almost totally fine, you’re still gonna be registered disabled and you won’t get picked first, second or third - so you can’t be bisexual as well, sorry. If you want to succeed while hitting every point of intersectionality, something’s gotta give. I’d constructed a fragile sense of self-worth from the only part I had control over.
But then one day last year I woke up in hospital, half a decade had passed and while I’d survived, I hadn’t live. I’d been relentless in my pursuit that I failed my way to success, but the rest of my life was empty. I spent the rest of that year not just building a life, but building myself. You can do, go and change as many times as you like - it's gonna happen anyway might as well get on board! Now I've got choices, I'm well, I'm content and who know what's out there?
Surely, in the long-term, in order to become the best version of yourself, you’ve got to accept the whole package and work it out as you go along. It also happens my package includes an obsession with building things, vision and how to make things better. Shybi has made me better, you've all made better so I’ve gotta accept that hopefully it'll work out in the end too. I don't want to watch it happen.
I would immediately fund the site further, if I thought more of you could see what I see. But that’s ok - Shys is a wonderful place if you give it a chance in any state. @la-femme has changed so many lives, I really hope she lets you give back to the site and everyone comes together. Now feels like a good time for me to leave the island. I’m starting a new chapter offline, so perhaps it's a sign, that I’m ready.
With any luck they’ll be a new and improved site for me to check out one day and if not I truly appreciate the time and the space, spent here with all of you.
When I all I wanted to do was leave home, leave the arguments, leave the small town, the small mindedness. So I did it, I moved to London. Little did my family know, I moved there to be with the woman I loved. I lied with every inch of my body and I hated myself, a coward. I had this whole story of how she was my 'best friend' she accepted that part of me..we had 2 great years together but grew apart, we remained friends for years after and we both jumped in and out of relationships/encounters, I look back with fondness and memories of happiness and I'm so glad we knew each other but I still can't help to think I was hurting her the whole time, by not being honest and open. So this is how this whole thing started ... me being a closeted mess. I still lie about that relationship...
This is an extremely brief introduction as I intend not to bore you with too much detail, but you get the idea? Right?
I just want to show my girlfriend off to the world. I'm so proud to be hers. She's such a wonderful person. Just absolutely amazing. The way she thinks... the things she does... I've never met another person so closely similar to me, but so very much themselves. Trusting me with her heart whenever she needs to spill it out to me. And she does it so honestly and unapologetically, and accepts my heart when it needs to spill as well. She has so much love to give unconditionally. She's so talented and hard-working and caring and rational. God, is she rational. I love it. We have the same love language. We value and appreciate the same things in a relationship. We're playful and clever together. She amplifies everything about me. I love deeper. I laugh harder. I sigh every other second. With her, I'm so much better. She inspires me to be more. And I do the same for her.
She flew into my life so unexpectedly, and I showed her the sort of caring and lasting friendship she was longing for. What she's given me in return is too much for words. And I tell her everyday. She tells me everyday. We write letters full of I love you's just to try to capture some of this feeling, but it's just not enough.
Her heart is so pure. Her voice makes my knees melt into the pavement. She has me wrapped around her finger and there's no one I would trust more to do so. Barely any time has passed, but I feel like I know her so well. I feel like I've known her for ages. Like she was a part of me that I never knew was missing and now I can't live without.
As many times as I've been in love before, this is so much more. She loves me as much as I love her. We were once the only ones putting effort into our relationships and now we are both putting our effort into this relationship equally. Neither of us is used to it, and both of us appreciate it so much. There's so much that can be felt from a single caring action. We understand that. It's the little things that matter.
I just needed to spill this out to someone. It's so difficult to contain how happy I am about her.
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Well, today I found out that my Girlfriend was already dating a guy before I even got the chance to tell her that I think we should be friends. Wow! I'm not hurt but pissed now. She lead me to believe she was interested in a monogamous relationship with me. She even sat me down to tell me what she was "about." Meaning not dating more than one person at a time. She said she had " been with women" but not had a relationship with one but, that she really vibes with me and that it wasn't about what someone had between their legs for her but, what they felt. But then, when I'd try to ask her out, after we had been intimate, she was always busy. I had started to pick up signs that she wanted out but wasn't woman enough to admit it. So, that's why I ended it. Now she's following me around like a lost puppy, not because she wants me back but, because we work together and she doesn't want me mad or drama at work. She's afraid I'll post the many nude photos of herself that she sent me in the short time we dated. Sigh, I hope most women aren't like her. If they are, I'd rather be alone.
I don't know if any of you remember my ongoing saga with a co-worker (not the male I talked about last time). Long story short - she comes off as very very gay, we became close friends beyond work, she insists she is straight/asexual, she alternates confusingly between being blatantly flirtatious/romantic, platonicallly close-friendly, and professional distance. I feel strongly for her (it's been going on long enough that I'm not going to call it a crush), but would be honestly fine with remaining just friends (and more than fine with an asexual romantic relationship). I had to change the security on those posts when the site changed (and will likely move this post over to the private blog after a time - I'm paranoid for the sake of her privacy), but if anyone is interested in the whole stupid story, I can give you access.
Recently, she admitted to me that she and her long-term "housemate" are "a couple" - something she's denied for years. A couple who seem to be on the verge of breaking up (though that isn't an entirely new situation - I'm not sure if it's truly reaching a breaking point, or simply represents the normal ups and downs of a long term relationship).
I just don't know what to make of this. I find it plausible that the asexual part is true and that they have a non-sexual relationship. But I'm not sure how you can consider yourself both straight and part of a long-term same-sex self-described "couple". So I feel like she intentionally lied about that part of it on multiple occasions, including on the night I came out to her. While I'm glad she finally told me, I'm a little baffled and hurt that it took this long, especially as she seems to be more open with other people who she isn't as close with.
I can understand why she might have lied when the subject first came up. She's very private, I was perhaps being overly intrusive in asking, at that time I wasn't out to her, and we weren't really friends outside of work yet, so I can understand her being wary of my motives (which were honestly just "I'm lonely as heck and want a friend I can be myself around"). And I can understand that sometimes lies can sometimes be hard to come back from. But the fact that this has extended for years makes me question whether we are really actually friends at all, or if I'm just some overly clingy person she puts up with.
I don't actually think the latter is true. She texts and calls me all the time, which I certainly wouldn't do with someone I was just putting up with. I just try to find reasoning that makes sense, and self-deprecating reasons are easy to accept.
No, I suspect that everything is as I've sensed all along - that we're mutually attracted in at least a romantic sense. And that the flip-flopping is because she's been fighting this because she's effectively married, or I'm married, or professional reasons, or some combination of the three.
Thing is, if she'd been honest about being in a relationship, I think I would have had more boundaries and it never would have gotten like this (Is that true? Am I using "benefit of the doubt" simply to justify the flirting, when I suspected all along that the relationship existed? Did she intentionally not tell me about the relationship so I wouldn't stop?)
I haven't been totally open with her, either. I've never mentioned that my marriage is open. She can be a little on the black and white side when it comes to moral issues, so I wasn't sure how she'd react to that. So she's presumably running under the assumption that either I'm not actually interested or trying to go behind my husband's back. But... if she and her housemate are, in fact, in a relationship, it strongly implies that she isn't particularly monogamous either, as she's occasionally talked about going on dates.
So much added context, and added confusion.
So I decided to increase the chaos level.
She offhandedly offered me some transcription work. It was very casually mentioned, but I got the sense she meant it. I'd actually be perfect for it - I can read her handwriting (most of the time, anyways), I have the background to make sense of what she's written, and enough experience with her thought patterns to know what is intended. But I really don't want another job, nor do I particularly want to be her employee or accept money from her.
But I realized I knew someone who would probably do really well at it with some learning, who is a conscientious worker, detail-oriented, kind of at loose ends, and for whom a more entry-level job makes sense - my husband's girlfriend. So I suggested her (without mentioning the husband's girlfriend part of it), and she was thrilled at the idea, and we're all (minus my husband, since he doesn't have an official part in all this yet) meeting for lunch next week to discuss things.
Because getting your husband's girlfriend a job with the woman you're in love with so that she has more free time to try to fix her relationship with her wife-like-person (I don't mean disrespect by that, but she hasn't really made it clear exactly what form their relationship takes) is totally what everyone does, right?
I want her to be happy. If being happy means fixing her relationship (even in absence of non-monogamy), great. If it means them breaking up, great. I think I'm honestly not drawn to a particular side of that - maybe a little bit more towards the breakup idea because this woman doesn't seem to be a very nice person, and doesn't seem to make her particularly happy, but that could just be because talking to me is her safety valve and I only get the complaints. Presumably something brought and kept them together in the first place.
I am hoping that this will bring up some sort of organic opportunity to talk about the whole non-monogamy thing, but maybe I'm deluding myself on that. Maybe it will just make it even more awkward.
So today was not a good day for me. I am struggling, and struggling hard. Since my surgery back on June my one ovary has been doing a great job keeping up with the need for hormones in my body, but I've got a feeling she's not doing so well any longer on her own. This will be my second cycle since June that I've been late on, and I'm about 4 days late now. But I've noticed that Pmsing is significantly worse than before. I have reason to believe that even before my missing hormones I suffered from PMDD, not PMS. I still believe that PMDD is a very real diagnosis I could be given if I cared to go get one, but I really don't. Either way, the time between my period is supposed to start (my normal 24-30 day cycle) and when it does, is turning into a personal hell for me. I've been so proud of myself for getting some serious control over my mental health in the last couple years, taking it into my own hands and actually paying attention to myself and my needs, a lot of self care has been involved and it's extremely difficult to not consider myself very selfish for needing, and giving myself, whatever I need. I'm getting much easier to deal with, much more in tune to my feelings and why I'm having them instead of just unexplained doubt or fear or anger. When I say the things I'm about to say, please be aware that I am NOT in any immediate danger, I do not intend to take any actions. I'm in need of a safe place and a constructive way to admit some of what is going on in my head, in hopes that I can release some of it and get some much needed relief. I know the second my period starts this will all fly away swiftly, but it's fucking killing me in the mean time an I'm coming to terms with the fact that this will likely be a recurring event I need to get a handle on, or resign myself to going to see a dr and being put on medication, likely hormones, which I do NOT want to do.
Among the self care I do, I have some coping mechanisms for when my anxiety gets too high for me to feel in control of any longer. Not every one of my mechanisms is healthy, but I am careful and they work for me. I want to chuck every coping mechanism out the window and kill myself. I'm SICK AND FUCKING TIRED of feeling like it would just be easier to be dead. I've only been feeling this way for about 36 hours now and I KNOW it's hormones, but it doesn't stop me from wanting relief and my mind is focused on only one way to get it. I'm angry, I'm sad, I want to be alone. I can't explain the depth of the way I feel, my fucking skin ITCHES with the need to get some control over myself that is so far beyond my reach that I can't even fucking see it anymore. I'm scared, I'm tired, I'm anxious, I'm depressed, and I can't get control of any of it. I had been doing SO GOOD staying in control, but these fucking hormones are KILLING me! Everything is out of my control. I can't control when I cry, how I treat people, when or how rapidly my moods shift.
I'm just unloading some crap in hopes that I can make sense of it. I am playing the worst waiting game of my life, waiting for my period to start so I can feel human again and not like the wicked witch of hell. I CAN control this, I WILL be just fine. I AM capable of beating depression. I just don't feel like it at the moment.
I had my first dream with a woman last night...
Even in dreamland things can't go my way! At first everything was going perfectly... The two of us were on a bed, face to face with me straddling one of her thighs. We were touching and kissing, and all of a sudden she just gets up and leaves me there!
What the heck is that?!
Τι στον διαολο τοσοχαλιαειμαιγιαφιλη?Το ξερω οτι δεν ειμαι και το πιο ευκολο ατομο αλλα ειπαμε, ε οχι και ετσι.Εχω κουραστει να αναλωνομαι σε ανουσιες λυκοφιλιες.Αμαν πια.Αμαν!!Κουραστικα.Εχω αρχισει να πιστευω πως δεν ειμαι ενδιαφερων.Δεν εξηγητε αλλιως.ΚΟΥΡΑΣΤΙΚΑ.Το πως καταλαβαινει και βιωνει ο καθενας την φιλια ειναι διαφορετικο αλλα υπαρχουν και καποια στανταρ γαμω.Προφανως ειμαι τοσο βαρετη που το ενδιαφερων διαρκει μεχρι να εκπληρωθεί η περιεργεια του καθενος ή να πετυχουν κατι που θελουν.Η μπαινω στην ζωη τους την λαθος στιγμη.Μαλλον ειναι οτι δεν ειμαι αρκετα ενδιαφερων,οτι σκατα και να λενε.
Προφανως δεν ειμαι για τετοια.Καλα ημουν μονη μου.Αλλιως η απογοητευση ειναι μεγαλη.Μπορει καποιες φορες χωρις να το θελουν και μπορει και εγω να εχω ψηλα τον πυχη.Το ξερω οτι τον εχω,αλλά απαιτω να παιρνω ότι δινω.Τοσο κακο ειναι γαμω την πουτανα μου?
I have made a few friends that i am grateful for them because they helped me through some difficult times.But it is becoming increasingly difficult for me to remain in this state.I wish sometimes i'd still be in this voluntary closet i had put myself for years.That i still was in the loneliness i had myself in.That my guards were still up and i could pretend that everything was great in the play i was a protagonist.In a play that i chose.Ποτέ δεν εδινα τοση σημασια σε αλλους.Ποτέ δεν με ενδιεφερε η αποδοχη τοσο πολυ!Τι στον γερο διαολο με επιασε τωρα τελευταια δεν μπορω να καταλαβω.Επρεπε να ειμαι ενταξει με αυτο που επελεξα.Αυτο θα μου μεινει στο τελος.Τιποτα και κανενας αλλος.Κανενας.Ολοι οι αλλοι ειναι περαστικοι.Τοτε γιατι στον γαμωδιαολο δεν μπορω να γυρισω πισω στην κατασταση που ειμουν???Τι σκατα!!Δεν θα επρεπε να ειναι τοσο δυσκολο.Εχω κοψει αλλα πιο δυσκολα πραγματα απο την ζωη μου γαμω.Εχω σταματησει αντιδρασεις και αισθηματα και δεν μπορω να γυρισω εκει που ημουν??
rytime I hear something about being gay or bi or something along those lines, I start to think about how I am slowly becoming more accepting of myself and yet not at the point of wanting to share it with the world or even people around me. It was easier years ago when I had my best friend around and had someone to talk to and share things with and there has been no one else like that in forever and I find myself thinking about him a lot. There was a time that we didn't talk after the first time I deleted and blocked him and then we reconnected and then had a period where I hardly heard from him and let him go again..I had thought about sending him a friend request again and then I realized that if he wanted to be a part of my life, he could of sent me a friend request as well or a test or something and that says a lot right there.
But anyway, just hearing people- either my mom, her friends, etc, talk about gay people they know, all I can think about is how I'm not out and I don't know what to say about things.. one thing that comes up is how her boss has a ",partner" or whatever and it gets blown off when I mention it would be husband or whatever. Then a few times she will mention that someone could be gay, or whatever and she is fine with it, but yeah, when I came out to her I was told it was my business and she didn't want to hear about it...I know I could open the can of worms and say what I am thinking, but I don't want to have to defend my opinion and then when our neighbor comes over, I sometimes triy to avoid talking to her because she can be so freaking nosy and have to know everything...just like her dad used to be.
In the back of my mind, I know that I could come out and have to answer questions about it from everyone, and I take that as a sign I am not totally ready. I am becoming more comfortable with myself and I don't deny I am bi,and that is one reason I started this blog as a place to clear my head and I am learning more of what I want and slowly becoming comfortable in checking out girls. But I just don't feel ready to share this with everyone around me and maybe just maybe I don't have to.
But more on this later, I am falling asleep and need some sleep...
That's all for now:)SHAR
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So there have been times that i realize I am being checked out by guys and when I noticed, I smile and then feel weird about it. I am bi and find myself checking out more girls than guys.
The other day when i was renewing my ID, I found myself smiling at the girl who was waiting on me and I was also nervous because I didn't have one of the things with me that I needed and was freaking out that I wouldn't be able to get my ID done and then I would be screwed for my new job. But yeah, that all worked out and the girl sitting next to her caught my eye and smiled at me and then I relaxed a little.
This was a new experience for me to actually try and check out a girl and I don't know if she noticed what I was doing, but she was busy working on my stuff and I was trying to other to freak out because I really needed to get this done.
Anywho, we finished and she handed me my stuff and called me sweetie, and told me to have a good day...and I left...but that experience keeps sticking out in my head and I think that I am slowly becoming more comfortable with checking out girls..I don't know about the in out guys yet, even though I do that too...sometimes...
I think k for me it seems awkward because I am with my mom when we go places, and this is one thing I feel awkward talking to her about it and so it goes...
That's all there is, there isn't anymore...until next time
So often in talking about bisexuality I find people wanting to dodge "being labelled". Labels are, they explain, bad. Harmful. Restricting, people putting you in a metaphorical box.
I wonder what it's about really.
Cos when I came out as bi to my sister and she said "me too", labels were really useful.
When we talked about some of the problems we'd had being bi, other labels were really useful too - gay, straight, men, women...
When I found a bi group, having a word for it was very handy. Otherwise the poster would have had to be terribly waffly, like some kind of parlour game, a version of the yes-no game where you can never say "both" or "and".
I think frustrations with labels are often not about labels - which are just words, the very things that have made us such a hugely successful species - but about the things people think come along with the labels. Bisexuals are indecisive. Bisexuals are greedy. Bisexuals haven't properly come out yet and will pick a team later.
None of those things are actually about bisexuals. But you hear them enough and being labelled bisexual doesn't feel like a good idea.
Which is a shame, because as boxes to be put in, bisexual is just about the roomiest, least restricting box in the world. As wide as the seas. From "my head is almost only ever turned by women, but that one man every now and then" to "it's all about the genderqueers, but there was that one time with someone cis", from "lots of all sorts of people" to "only a couple of people ever, but I'm open to whatever might come along next".
So I might have deep seeded issues from my childhood :-P . But I turned out reasonably sane, I promise. These are sayings grown-ups used to say that now as an adult I disagree with.
"You have to suffer to be beautiful."
From waxing, to high heels, to spending hours of doing our hair, women go through a lot of pain to look "pretty." My mom's justification is that it's just the cost of being beautiful. I strongly disagree. I believe beauty is when we are truly ourselves. We are truly ourselves when we are comfortable and in our own element. We are the most comfortable when we are at our most natural, when our essence shines through. And that takes no work at all (maybe just a little courage). So I believe that being our beautiful selves is the easiest thing in the world.
"All couples fight. It's just part of love."
I guess this was a way to explain the fights our parents would get into. There was always a lot of yelling, sometimes things got broken (photo frames, lamps, walls....). I understand that life has it's struggles, it's not all unicorns and rainbows. But yelling only escalates things. As an adult in a relationship approaching a decade, I have discovered that not all couples fight, at least we don't. Does that mean we love each other less? Certainly not! It means when we disagree we don't get defensive, and we listen to the other person. There are times when I do close in, and need space in order to process my feelings, but I would never lash out at my partner. We're in this together.
"Better to have loved and lost, than not loved at all."
I hate this saying. A lot. I've gotten it many times from adults after a heartbreak, and it did not help in the least bit. It doesn't make sense to me, and brings little comfort. Was I suppose to feel lucky then? Grateful that someone ripped out my heart? How does this help me heal? It didn't. Nor did it help me evolve as a person. Just say: "It sucks, I know."
As the year 2018 begins, I spent some time to myself reading at my leisure and conversing with my husband. I had forgotten what it was like to sit and breathe in and out. I was so preoccupied with deadlines, schedules, grad school, work, and whether or not I would go on another date. I consumed myself with everything that had to be done that wasn't done yet.
My therapist was right! In a session, where I was complaining about how I felt my life was going down in a twisted spiral of dep. She stopped me and said, "to hell with everything! Take care of yourself! You're important!" She continued to say that I was spending my life caring about everything and everyone else except for myself. I placed too much focus on too many things and that I was ignoring myself. My health was fading because of this. So she told me that we had to come up with some strategies to help me take care of myself. This was November...
It sank in finally from December 31, 2018, and through today.
It's time to look out for myself and chill out. It is a work in process, but I know it is doable. I actually spent time reading! I never get to read for pleasure due to my grad studies. This also means that I need to be more organized in how I move from day to day. I start work tomorrow; being a teacher in graduate school is hard work! However, it is not impossible to do. I know that I can manage my time to where I have enough time to prepare lessons for my students, read for graduate studies, and spend time to myself (exercise, reading, doing things I love). There are 24 hours in a day. Teaching can present unpredictable after school business stuff. I am lucky to work at a place where even if I stay late, I won't get home too late. That means I can come home and de-stress from all the craziness from work and do some meditation of some sort. There is where my leisure time comes in. I can also take care of my studies and not go overboard.
Still, I can play around with it. I'm not going to be so rigid that I cant fluctuate my time. This is how my anxiety gets triggered. I am a perfectionist. I have this idea of what something should look like, and if I do not meet that idea, I get depressed and give up completely. So I need to tell myself, "Oh, even though you didn't get to do this, you're still a good person, and you will have time to do it."
Anyway, I will spend this year calming the hell down, not making other people's emergencies my emergency, take care of myself in all definitions that this entails, and spend time enjoying life. I want to live in the present. I don't want to worry about the future. If I take care of myself today, I won't have to worry about the future because I will have already been prepared.
Just random thoughts,
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...the silence echoes off the walls...
...as inside your world falls...
...as it all comes crashing down...
...unable to speak or make a sound...
...your soul just keeps on screaming...
...nightmares plague your dreaming...
...awake you cannot say...
...why you feel this way...
...but you know you are lost because you can't reach out...
...you see salvation yet you drown...
...easier to let the dark drag you under...
...then to let the vultures plunder...
...pick away until there's nothing left...
...cloaked in lies, masked by death...
...bleached bones of broken promises not worth the mention...
...on a sandy lot of good intention...
...is all they ever leave you with...
...even if the sand you sift...
...what treasure left, a cursed gift...
...It robs you of your voice...
...takes away all your choice...
...until the only option remains...
...to look on yourself with less disdain...
...to be reminded of kinder days...
...when people would listen to what you had to say...
...cared enough not just to hear...
...the sound of their own voices...
...doing anything to fill the silence...
It's been months since my last entry, and I've honestly missed being brutally honest on here. So much has happened, almost all of it a mess. My friend, who I fell hard for, told me to pursue relationships because she saw me as just a friend. Still, she acted weird every single time I started talking to someone, male or female. I tried to maintain, and I accepted that I probably wouldn't be with anyone. I was accepting that I had come out as bisexual, people were generally accepting, and I continued to work hard in therapy.
While doing some activities completely alone, I met someone. A beautiful man who wanted nothing more than to make me happy, to show me that I could be vulnerable, that not everything had to be scary, He asked me to just give him a chance, and I said we would get nowhere without complete honesty. With nothing to lose, I told him everything. Everything that hurt, everything I had been through, every reason I could not possibly be a good girlfriend. Most of all, I bit the bullet and told him that I was bisexual.
I had never told a potential partner this, and he had reasonable questions. How many women had I been with? Did I try to be with women? If we have a real future together, am I ever going to regret not being with a woman, because he wants 100% commitment? I answered every question honestly, including assuring him that if I was with ANYONE I would want 100% commitment too. He was looking to settle down, plan for a family, and it felt so natural. We've now been together almost six months,
The painful part comes in about three months ago when my friend, my crush, decided that I was not there for her enough. She felt uncomfortable with my relationships elsewhere; she said I was forgetting her and leaving her behind. Instead of talking to her about my pains, I shared everything with my boyfriend. Then, she observed me with a group of friends - having a good time - and said she had lost me. I tried to explain; we argued, screaming and crying, for hours with no resolution. I finally said, "I can't do this anymore. I need you to realize you are wrong on this one. It isn't fair what you're doing." She said I needed to do the exact same thing. I concluded, "I have to let you go."
We have not talked since. I had already paid for an expensive vacation which I took on my own, and it was so weird to know that she and I will never talk again. I explained to my boyfriend that ALL of this was complicated; he took the embarrassing details far better than I would've had the roles been reversed.
I hate that I feel like I ruined everything with that friend by admitting the truth; however, I am so lucky. I have met the absolute love of my life. He has shown me so much peace and acceptance that I've fallen so deep in love. It worked out for the best, and I'm glad I'm out. It is just that now I have completely new fears.
This man wants to be married, to have kids, and grow old together. I am terrified to be intimate again, especially since I've only been with one person - a violent, abusive man. I am terrified I will be a terrible wife, terrible mother. But I want this life...I want to be with him. I don't want to be afraid anymore. If I made it through the pain of losing a woman who I was sure would always be in my life, I know I can face these new fears. Wish me luck!
Normally, this wouldn't bother me but it does. And the reason why it does has to be with the fact I was being watched/stared at.
Today, one of our VPs jammed a copy machine, and after he was unsuccessful in unjamming it. He left to reprint the documents on another copy machine. Well, while he was gone. I went to the machine and proceeded to unjam it which entailed my following the directions on the screen. Well, when he came back to retrieve the documents he sent to the other copy machine. He just stood at that machine watching me unjam the copy machine. After I unjammed it, I waited a minute to see if the machine will jam again then proceed to walk away, and as I walked away. The machine jammed again (I need to wait longer than a minute next time); so, I went back to it to see where else the paper jammed and proceeded to fix it. He continued to watch/stare at me while I fixed it. The only reason why he stopped watching/staring and walked away was because one of our IT guys walked in to tease me about breaking the copy machine and offer to help me since he heard me unjamming it.
Unjamming a copy machine isn't an issue for me. I am more than happy to unjam the bloody machine if I know how. The issue is that I was being watched/stared at while doing it. Typically, if a machine jams at work someone (1) asks someone to help them unjam it, (2) unjams it themselves or (3) walks away and leaves it to be someone else's problem. There is no staring/watching involved. If a person asks for help to unjam the machine it is a team effort, and if someone happens to walk by you while you are unjamming the machine. They just walk by and make a comment or offer to help you. They do not watch/stare.
This isn't the first time he has watched/stared at me. He has done this before while I was walking to our other VPs office to drop a folder off, and even after I said to him I am not going to his office. He just keep on watching me and chuckled. Another time he stared at me while I was about to leave the kitchen and he was walking by it. One of my boss' scared him because he was so focused on me walking out the kitchen.
So... after writing this. I have come to the conclusion that I just do not being watched/stared at without a rhyme or reason or someone saying something because I become uncomfortable after I realize I am being watched/started at.
Gerda Wegener (1886-1940) was a Danish illustrator and painter who is best known for her erotica which often depicted sex between women. When one looks beyond the explicit sexual content one can see a significant body of work that focuses on other aspects of feminine pleasure - music, dance, fashion, romance, and companionship.
Gerda and her husband Einar Wegener (also an artist) were the subject of a recent motion picture The Danish Girl (2015). Alicia Amanda Vikander, who portrayed Gerda, won the Academy award for Best Supporting Actress.
(The explicit images start near the end of the post.)
A self portrait
Gerda with her husband Einar Wegener (later Lili Elbe)
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I found shys on a random google search one evening and was soon hooked. I had finally found a place where I could be open about my emotions for the first time in my life! It’s liberating!
I have connected with some of the most amazing people who have made me open up (something I really wasn’t used to), they’ve listened to me on my down days (there have been many). We’ve laughed and shared stories and experiences, and every single interaction has made a huge difference to my life and how I’ve handled things along the way. I can’t thank you enough for taking the time to listen to me pouring my heart out even when you had your own problems to deal with so for that I am eternally grateful.
One unique lady became very special to me early on. I felt that magnetic pull towards her and I wasn’t sure what or why I felt that strongly, but I did. We hit it off quickly. So much in common, the same interests and desires. Everything just clicked into place. She was all I could think about. We messaged every day and grew closer and closer.
We were both open with our husbands, but sadly, they both became very insecure with our connection, which, to be fair, was stronger than either of us had ever experienced before, although we never told them how strong, I guess they could tell. As much as we love our husbands, we grew to love each other too and it consumed and scared us both. Despite their insecurities we had to see each other, with their consent, never crossing the line, and sticking to the firm boundaries that husbands had set. If you were hoping for a raunchy shys story, this isn’t it. It was however, the most romantic and loving relationship I’ve ever experienced with anyone before and I’m fortunate enough to have a best friend at the end of it too.
It’s been 11 months since our first messages and we’ve become so close, even if friendship is all we can have. The connection we made is unique and special and I’m a better person when I’m with her. I’m forever grateful to this place for making that possible.
So while her husband can’t bear the thought of her being with anyone else, mine is coming around to the idea. The journey I’ve been on with my marriage is a post for another time but he has been truly amazing and in an odd way it’s brought us closer. Lots of communication and trial and error, which has been really hard at times. In the end it all comes down to one simple but crucial point….that he must always feel like he’s my number one priority above anyone else. I neglected him at times and I see that now. He accepts I may have relationships with other women if the opportunity presents itself, as long as he never feels like second best. Sounds simple enough right?? I thought so until I fell in love with a woman. It’s…..intense! I have so much to learn.
So this is where I am now, a year later. I finally accepted who I am, I’ve dipped my toes in a world I was afraid of for a long time and found I’m quite at home here. I just need to figure out what I want, and I'm working a little harder on my marriage because he really is an incredible man.
Right now this is just a big thank you to the people who set up this wonderful site and allowed a highly supressed bisexual to express herself in ways she never thought possible. I hope it helps others too.
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I have no idea what I am about to to talk about in the blog post. But I would first like to thank whoever invented the software that corrects spelling, it has saved this girl on more than one occasion. ( I just misspelled occasion, I am going to auto correct so no one would be the wiser, just to let ya'll know I was spelling with two s's instead of one). Don't get me started on how I really butchered the word philosophical.
So lets begin, I would just like to know, who in the heck in America, decided we would park in a driveway and drive on a parkway? Seriously? I am going with the obvious that this must have been some man joke, you know, hey Bob, wouldn't it be so funny if we just switched the meanings of parkway and driveway and really screw up with people, yes Frank that would be funny as heck ( Insert a jolly old laugh from both Bob and Frank). These are the things that go through my mind in the wee hours of the morning when I am unable to sleep. I know its really really sad and yes I am aware that google more than likely has the answer, but I like to think Bob and Frank are still chuckling about how this fantastic joke stuck.
I also would like to discuss Ice Cream. Now I believe the besides being its own food group ( or should be) that ice cream was designed for several things in particular. It seems it is the ultimate comfort food for many, not all, but tons of people turn to ice cream in crisis. Say, you just broke up with your BF or GF hell this is Bi site lets go crazy, you just broke up with your BF and GF or they broke up with you,, what do you do, 1. Call your BFF 2. She/He shows up with wine and ice cream, I am pretty sure it is in the Best Friend Handbook, when said best friend calls crying ( especially about a break up) you must go to them immediately with wine and ice cream in hand. Also, ice cream is the extra good to help ladies during their time of the month, you go to the freezer see a pint of ice cream take it out get a bowl but notice it's almost empty, so instead of dirtying up a bowl , you just grab a spoon and scoop it right from the carton and into your ice cream hole. I believe it tastes best during the flowing days and also you can feel like a complete bad ass rebel who doesn't need know stinking bowl!
Anybody out there like rainy days? Oh I do, I love a wet rainy stormy day/night, but not like severe weather, nothing tornadic (red googly lines have to stay software on here doesn't show tornadic as a word). I find rain to be so pleasant and refreshing like, washing away all the old stuff to be replaced with new stuff. With rain you can use all your senses, you can touch feel it on your skin, face, lips, you can hear it, most certainly smell it, see it of course and lastly but not least you can taste it, just go outside and tilt your head back and open your mouth and taste the rain ( sure that isn't weird for a grown up to do that *shifts eyes**) I do not know what the love affair is with rain, but I a certain it has to do with my mother, just kidding, I mean my child hood. Played in the rain so many times, it was so much fun to ride your bike and feel the rain and wind on your face, making sure you hit every puddle you could find on the way home, feeling the water splash up on your legs; sure you got soaked to the bone but it was so worth it. Now when it rains, I just love to listen watch it and smell it; I admit it makes me feel nostalgic and oh so sleepy. But its still extra wonderful when it rains.
I think that is all for this installment, I hope it wasn't to boring and if you think I am insane well, please don't tell anyone LOL . I am off to try and see if sleep is real or some made up thing people like to say they get, it better be real or I will be back and typing my nonsense up for everyone to read. I know what your thinking, I really hope she finds sleep.....
I'm tired of the way you make me feel. I 'm tired of the ups and downs and the way you play with my emotions. I'm tired of you being a controlling narcissist and getting mad or suspicious any time I do something. I'm tired of being married to my dad.
I grew up with an angry dad and he taught me how to repress my feelings and bottle up my emotions. He was always angry and the littlest things would set him off. I learned how to walk on eggshells at a young age. The abuse was never physical from him, it was all mental, verbal, and emotional. My dad had a way of making us feel stupid and insignificant with just a look or a phrase. I grew up knowing I'd never be good enough, I grew up knowing I'd always be lacking in some way. I learned to tune out the yelling, I built walls around my cold, hardened heart to keep the hurt out, my humor became cynical like his, I learned to turn off my emotions, and I learned to accept and also expect disappointment from people in my life. His cheating and affairs made me angrier and so full of hate and resentment. I grew up hurting and angry...and then I met you.
You made me smile and tore down my walls and defenses. You accepted me and my flaws with open arms, and you made me want to be a better person. I couldn't believe you were real or that you had fallen for me. You took care of me and held me at night, listened to me when I needed a friend...you genuinely cared. I loved showing you off and bragging on you to my friends because you treated me well and you were so respectful and sweet to me. I woke up smiling and went to bed snuggled in your arms. My heart was so full of love that I thought it was going to explode on a daily basis. You made me feel again....you made me want to feel again. You made me feel confident and strong and beautiful and loved. You made me feel smart and special and loved doing anything and everything with me....I felt like I could conquer the world with you by my side. You made me feel whole.
Then I lost you.
Physically you sit here across the room from me, snoring as you nap on the couch. The laughter and smiles have become fewer, and the arguments and degradation have become the norm. Those dark feelings of insecurity and unworthiness have started creeping up on me, waiting to once again become a part of me. My heart is gradually turning to stone as I write these words, and the bricks are being laid in a circle around it. My emotions are as drained as the Tequila bottle on the counter, and part of me has begun to disappear. That woman in the mirror? She's flawed, her imperfections are too many to name. She talks too much, she's too trusting, she gets zits and needs to lose weight and she never does anything right. You remind me with your words that I didn't do something right, you remind me with your actions that I'm not enough. "If I were enough for him, he'd want to be intimate with me once in awhile." Says the woman in the mirror. I try to fight the hurt and despair, but it follows me everywhere. I am tired of this battle. I am tired of always being wrong and feeling insignificant. I am tired of trying only to be crushed and hurt. I sometimes catch a glimpse of the man I married, the man you used to always be. But sometimes isn't enough...sometimes doesn't make me feel like you used to.
I sit here and shut down my feelings, I only feel hurt and confusion. I look at you as I feel my heart harden and the wall continue to go up. I will not let anyone hurt me anymore. I will not be vulnerable to you, even if it means I have to shut down completely. The dark feelings cover me like a blanket and suddenly I feel nothing at all. I'm becoming numb to feeling and I'm okay with that. I'd rather feel nothing at all if my other options are hurt and confusion. I can be comfortable being numb. I light my cigarette and let the feeling of feeling fade away. I feel a little cold inside, but it beats the way you made me feel. I tried so many times to tell you and each time was less important to you, I was less important. With each puff of smoke I notice the numbness growing inside me and it feels so familiar, like going home after a long vacation. I welcome the numbness and let it cover me completely like a blanket. I snuggle in and get comfortable with it, I think it is here to stay this time.
So I am still here, well in body anyway but taking all my strength to keep my sanity. I don't speak to anyone other than a polite good mor ning and sometimes not that if I can avoid it. I do keep my eyes open though having worked with the anti social behaviour team in case I can get that all important video evidence and I keep a diary. One of the things I had noticed is that the main perp, the most biphobic and loudest seems to have connections in the local gay community, so that her game now appears to be to try and hurt me in that way but as I have not ventured on the gay scene for decades this is not really gonna affect me. I have only picked this up from observations as I go about my business. It proves just how much she talks about me and the different strangers to me that she gossips to. It's horrible really to be vilified in this way and totally unjust. Of course there has to be something at the root of all this and what is it they say is the root of all evil? That says more about them than it does me.
In the meantime, me? I am physically and mentally exhausted. I don't know what the answer is, they can label me what they want but if I ain't feeling it I ain't gonna do it. Why should I? Just to please them? I don't think so. I ain't making any major life decisions until I am absolutely sure of how I am feeling and until I feel ready. The main thing I want now is peace and quiet and to be allowed to go about my legitimate legal business without having other people impose themselves on me and try to run my life.
The more they do that the more I will run in the other direction.
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Oh how I wish I could converse with you Em
Sit opposite you and intertwine our fingers, and have out hearts beat in sync
To see your pupils dilate, to hear your breathe, to smell the pheromones
Oh how I wish we could talk
Talk of our parents... dive right in to your brain
Your ability to know without speaking
Discuss our past, and present without a care for the future
Oh how I wish we could talk
In each others presence
And delicious awareness
Oh how I want to touch you on all levels
To hear you whisper my name
To curl up in your arms
To wipe away my tears
Oh how I wish we could talk Em
I really want to see how much you have grown
And show you how much I have been set free