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july 3 to be exact. i met my heroine again, it was awkward for some reasons. i have a feeling she even ignores me. we come to the party for hours, i’m always in her line of sight but she never comes and says hi. while others look around to catch my partner in crime, and they ask where the hell i’m hiding. funny we’re always together together at every social event, but we’re not together. lol
i did say hi to her eventually. i was pretending i finally saw her under the dimmed light, she acted surprised and we hugged. she then introduced me to her bf. we know him already, but we all hate him, anyways. lol. we think he’s the reason she never attends our group gatherings on Weds and pretty much scoop her out of all social life. they sit next to one another but the chairs are so far, you can fit 2/3 of another chair in between them. it’s weird.
her sister, first thing after finish squeezing and all that, introduced me to her best friend, who traveled a big distance to attend this party. and i’m smitten at first sight. i have a thing for single moms, or women with kids. i don't know why, i just do. maybe because i love kids. and she is a hot blonde with 2 beautiful sons. they’re sitting near heroine. though the atmosphere was too awkward, i had to walk away without making any further conversations.
my friend leads the way and it’s like, “this is my best friend, M, she’s from *tada* and she knows everything about you, G”. i was gonna start joking like “ooh, so so you know everything about me huh? everything? inside out?”
but i keep the thoughts to myself and poke my hand out for a handshake instead. she looked down at my hand for wee seconds then decided to grab me and gave me a long, tight hug. the moment i got home, i searched for her on my social media then bookmark it and go straight to bed. lol. i blamed the alcohol.
when i add her the next day, 1 second later i got her acceptance. freak me out when people do that. gosh. when i left the party, M initiated to give me another big, long hug. she feels nice and natural. but oh well all women feel nice. lol. i mean it’s feel right to hold her in my arms for a hug. too bad she’s taken. it’s hard to tell which parent her handsome sons got the good genetics from.
C, M’s best friend, referred to the event that one boy literally comes to me, takes my hand and walks me around town. everybody surrounded start to laugh so hard, whip their phone out to record videos. i must have spoken kid language or something. lol. while the other little one gets all shy, covers her face when she sees me. d’awwww it’s so dang cute i'm telling you. make me wanna have a kid like now ;x sigh. gotta find a wifey first though.
we promised another friend to go to her son’s for a gathering with other families and kids. we were there for the good 2 hours and something. we tried to lay low. our friends at the main party where we suppose to be, are like where we at. incoming is a text message from a strange number, followed by boob pictures. that got everyone attention. lol. the 3 of us study them pictures intensely and guess who are the owners. then come a semi closeup pussy pic. clean shaven and pretty at that. apparently they give us a hard time to guess. but i got the pussy pic right even though i’ve never seen hers before. lol. the other guy got the boob pic correctly by a wild guess. i just tell them we need to get going and figure for ourselves since we weren’t 100% sure. we were invited at 3 and we didn't get there until 9 ish.
we’re on our way to the main party to watch the beautiful and professional fireworks for over 20 mins. there were 4 guys on the other side of the lake to do the fireworks. a friend used to own the fireworks booth so he got lots of discounts and tons of experiences. it was a very nice moment.
i had to initiate the pussy talk subtly to figure out whose those goodies i saw earlier. lol. i'm quite surprised at the "final results" but i think them girls are just drunk. because i barely see them after then. one of them is so wasted, we have to walk her to a decent area so she can puke. lol.
there are kids, teenagers so we try to be discreet as we adults can. long story short, everyone is buzzed, or half drunk, we got to a private small room with mostly close friends. more like all perverts. lol. there’s the watermelon jello which stick to the watermelon for some reason and god it’s so gooood but quite strong. i tried to stay away but my luck is bad. i have one big piece from the bottom as a final courtesy for not showing my goodies. that is equal to 5 big shots, the maker said. plus, it’s on the bottom, it tastes like pure vodka with some drops of watermelon ;/ i literally shoo the piece into the host's mouth when he barges in. lol.
the girls have to show their boobs if they want some jello. some guys want to show their nuts too but alas no one wants to see that. lol. everyone is down to their swimwear basically. because we have a big water slide outside.
i was laughing so hard, i backed up against the wall to figure that i accidentally turned off the light. oops. the room has no windows and is as black as it can be. everyone is screaming excitedly and god know who is touching whom. lol. when i turn the lights back on, they want to turn them off one more time to finish the grabbing business. i wish i saw this girl’s boobs so bad. dang it. she’s beautiful. she's also a good friend of my good friend. so why not?
but the moment she saw me entering the room, she literally slid back outside. my back luck again or what? every time like that i swear. i think she hated me or something. but i've done nothing to her ;o
we got introduced by our friend, more like i enter the room to pass through them to get to the bathroom, our good friend starts pointing at me, that’s G, then pointing at her, that’s E. that’s it. we never say anything. i was drunk as hell at that very event. it was somewhere last year. just as i was slightly drunk when the watermelon jello hit me. i had to stop any drinking for half an hour to regain my conscience. lol.
about 10 past 2, J told me to get the hell out of there because the party is not going to stop.
some of our friends are swingers. neither one of us are in a relationship but we don’t want to know how far and how wild this goes. we know the host has a jacuzzi that folks often jump in there in their birthday suits. plus, there’s a lake next to his back yard. you can imagine the rest. he has a few guest rooms and a RV parking upfront, so at least 6 guests can stay over for the night. that’s more than enough for an orgy.
maybe you wish i should have stayed. i could have narrated what really happened after 3. lol. but i never did. glad the host and hostess finally give up fishing me. i’m too old for this. or precisely i want something more meaningful than fucking someone’s brain out.
how was your july 4th weekend go? god bless your family and friends.
regarding how you spent it, remember it’s a celebration of freedom, of a new world with full of adventures waiting for you. there are things which make you freaked out, or nervous, but take baby steps to calm down. you’re not going to win your own battle if you don’t have some peace within yourself.
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Well seems like we spent all that time waiting to be together and then once we were together it was gone too quickly. We never seem to have enough time, but the good news is that she'll be back this summer and then I'll get to go and see her for her birthday in October so three times in a year of seeing each other I can't complain.
We have had an amazing time together and we reconnected again once we were alone in the hotel room. We didn't take things very slowly because it had been so long since we were last together. I can say this with confidence that we both have great chemistry on all levels, not just sexually.
We went to an ice hockey game and had an amazing time there, then when we got back into town we went and did our usual shooting pool. It was the second time we'd been there since she arrived and she loves to rub it in when she beats me at my game. It's usually pretty close when we play and we like to drink a few beers so that adds to the entertainment factor, especially when we both start feeling tipsy.
We also went and ate at her favorite place with my daughter and her boyfriend. It just happened to be taco Tuesday and Margarita night. I only had 2 Margaritas and I was done so my middle daughter ended up driving us home.
I have a lot more I could say about this visit and I probably will in another blog, but for now I need to go and rest and mope around my house as it feels so empty without her here. (sad face). I took her to the airport today and we've been on skype once again back to the flat screen boo hoo while she's being held up in a layover at Atlanta then she'll fly out and I won't see her again until she's at her connection airport before she flies home. So yeah I'm sad.
Thanks for reading and I will add more later when I'm rested and not mopey. Okay so I can add more to this now that it's been a few days and she's home. It just seems like the time we are together goes by way too fast, probably because I had to spend some of it working and couldn't take much time off. The weather was crappy except for the last full day she'd have here then it decided to be nice and sunny. Hopefully when she returns in the summer with her daughter, she'll be able to return home with a nice tan.
I am not in a hurry to see my youngest graduate high school because she's the one I will miss the most when I move. I'll miss all of my kids when I move, but hopefully they'll figure out a way to come and visit me and then they'll see why I wanted to move. As I've said in my previous blogs, I think that it's much harder on netty than me because she's a more touchy feely person and loves to have her hands on me all the time. We even like to go to sleep together holding hands sometimes and I can say this, I never was that intimate with my two ex-husbands and never went to sleep holding their hands. So yes, being in a loving relationship with a woman is much more intimate and definitely deeper on all levels.
I have no idea what kind of a job I'll get when I get over there, but I'm sure I'll be able to find something and hopefully we'll be married before I move. It's going to be quite a change for both her and I because she's used to having things a certain way and so am I, but her daughter is younger than mine so that is why I'm choosing to move over to be with her. Both her and I are anxious and just want to get our lives together started, but I look at it this way, we've been spending time getting to know each other over the last three years and we already know how it feels to be together and do things together, so when we do actually get to be together we will have already gone through stuff and will look forward to going through new stuff together. I also know that relationships take work and good communication and you have to be willing to do both if you want to have a lasting relationship because the minute you stop talking or communicating, that's when you will begin to have problems. So once again I have a countdown on my phone for July, and she'll be here with her daughter so that we can all go and see the fireworks together. Guess that's about all for now, until my next entry and thanks for reading.
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Here's pics of the animals who live at the Beach House ...
Click on the pic of Archie and it will open up an album of few more pics ....
I posted this ad on craigslist - any suggestions or comments?
Looking for some one who needs a sugar mama - w4w
Looking for a younger sweetie to spend some time with, and spend some sugar on. You need to be attractive, femme but not high high maintenance, submissive at times but also ready to switch roles if I ask. Ages 19 (minimum mandatory) to 30 is preferable. Luscious is a word that would describe you. Prefer meat to bones. Funny and articulate also preferable.
I do not want someone full time. Busy college student or budding professional who needs a little R&R sometimes is perfect. I want to be able to get away and relax with you and not deal with any day to day details. I want to feed your voracious appetite whether it is sex, food, or clothes.
I do not want to have a long term romance just to play a little but I am person who likes to be erotically sensual and enjoy life. I like to get a pedicure, go to lunch, go shopping and play. I do not want to meet your friends and I dont need you to meet mine. I wont hide but this is not a time that I want a lot of involvement or drama from others. I want it to be you and me in our little world maybe once week.
I am not a newbie - I am bisexual and have been with women many times before, but not a good time for involved relationships. If you are interested, email me - I have links to erotica I write and it would give you a good idea of what I am looking for. I also want someone who is generally happy.
So if you think you have time and you fit my needs once a week, let me know. Reply with pic and about you and you will get mine.
* One thing - would like someone who is responsible and isnt a drunk or druggie. I have no need to be your rescuer just want to indulge your needs.
This pic is from Chris Maher
Over the past few months I have become interested in blogging. I post a little on here from time to time but really use it more as an outlet to vent. I have started reading some blogs online and decided I would like to write one. This is going to be my summer project. I have found a cheap place to buy domain names. However, I haven't quite decided what I want to call my blog. Originally I thought I would focus on fashion.BUT I have so many opinions that bounce around my head that I don't think I should just narrow my focus. I don't believe I want to publish my name in association with it...I am contemplating taking up a "pen name". Any thoughts?
I have always loved to write and find myself sometimes chronologically recounting events in my head in the form of a story. I am hoping this may become a good outlet to express all of this.
I've been gone a while. I have a lot going on and I want to put it here.
I'm separated from my husband. Actually we've been separated for about 2 months now. I know it's not fair for him to have a wife that isn't attracted to him and it's not fair for me to be "stuck" in a relationship that has no chemistry. Sure we love each other but we are both different people than we were 2 years ago when this all really began.
I'll be moving out in the next month or two. He will stay in the house. I think it's better that way. I want a fresh start. My kids will live with me and his kids have moved in with their mother already (not for this reason). As it is right now, we are both really hurt and not speaking very much, if at all, but we are still working together, which is awkward. Pretty soon I will leave the restaurant and find another job so that weirdness can end as well.
So, yup, I'm going to be free to date, explore...be myself. I'm really excited about that.
I'm still playing guitar as a sort of meditation. I've been teaching myself since last November and I have 17 videos on YouTube! I don't do it for any reason other than it makes me happy. I LOVE it. I love to play. I love to sing. I love to learn. And I want to share that with everyone. So, here is the link. I think you can tell in this one my heart feels a little lighter and I'm getting "there". Thanks girls!
I so wanted to redo this number myself with my ex gf which would of been way more sexual then the sort of pg Glee version, but as Santana often reminds me of my ex after watching this it's not wonder I'm still having sex dreams of the bytch (as sad as that is 5 yrs + after the fact). Oh well. They however did a great job with the song/video I think Paula would bee proud.
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I can't get her out of my head. I used to make her smile and laugh. It's the first time I made a girl smile and laugh. When I smile sometimes, I think of her smile. She used to scrunch her eyes and blink a lot when she smiled and laughed. I sometimes blink my eyes when I smile to myself just to remember what she used to do.
I still wonder what it would be like to see her again. I think I have gotten passed my anger. She did lie to me and had she told me the truth, I wouldn't be thinking of her today. I wouldn't be thinking of her ever.
I wanna stop thinking about her, but her face comes into my memory sometimes without me planning it.
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Right this second, Callie is on a plane that's about to take off, heading back to England. I'm feeling sad and lonely, so I wanted to take a few minutes to focus on the magical week we spent together. I don't think my words can do this amazing week justice, as I'm not at my most eloquent right now. And really, no amount of words could ever convey everything we felt and experienced. But I'll do my best...
On Saturday I turned 30, and I had the best birthday present I could ever ask for: the love of my life arrived in my hometown to help me celebrate. We spent my last two birthdays apart, so this meant more than I could say to have her here with me for such a big birthday. Almost all of the most important people in my life (minus our beautiful beautiful babies) were here to usher in 30, and it truly was my best birthday yet.
Monday morning we rented a cute little red car and made the drive to Niagara Falls for our "weddingmoon." We drove through Canada, which was especially exciting for Callie as she'd never been there before. We were racing the clock a little to get to the city clerk's office before they closed, but made it just in time to apply for our marriage license(!!!) That was so exciting, and I think the moment where everything really seemed real, that everything was finally going to work out for us. I was so excited I even took a picture of the license and sent it to my mom.
After checking into out hotel, we had plenty of daylight and lovely sunshine left to explore this beautiful place we had chosen to get married and we set off to find a perfect location for our wedding. We found a beautiful spot, with a view of the falls, and walked around the falls, laughing together and joking about our "pre-honeymoon," aka our "honeysun," "nectarmoon," and all the other silly names we came up with before settling on "weddingmoon" (tha majority of our honeymoon was BEFORE we got married). That night we decided to walk across the border to Canada (how cool is that?!) for dinner. The view of the falls from Canada was absolutely breathtaking! We ran into a border guard with a god complex coming back into the US, which was incredibly ridiculous and made us a little nervous for the rest of the trip (not that we had any reason to be!) but definitely gave us something to talk about for the rest of the evening...and the rest of the week!
Tuesday, after a little shopping, we went on the Maid of the Mist - the one thing I wanted to do most while we were there (second to marrying Callie, of course!). I've heard about this boat ride for years and thought it sounded amazing. And of course, my two favorite characters from one of my favorite TV shows got married on the Maid of the Mist!! (Poor Callie, I must have bored her to death and driven her beyond crazy talking about Jim and Pam like they were old friends.) I've done a lot of cool things in my life, but this has got to be one of the most incredible experiences ever. Seeing the falls from down below, getting drenched in the mist, hugging and kissing my beautiful fiancée, waterfalls surrounding us...it was magical. There's no other way to describe it, it was simply magical. That night we met up with my mom, sister, and brother-in-law to see the falls lit up. Callie took some beautiful nighttime photos and we practiced some light painting. I hope she doesn't mind if I share a photo or two of hers, because I think they're incredible! It was SUCH an awesome day, and totally worth staying up past Callie's bedtime for these photos.
Wednesday, aka The Best Day of My Life, is a day I will never be able to do justice. Callie looked incredible, the weather - which had been forecasted thunderstorms - turned out to be beautiful, and my family was all there to watch us exchange vows. We held the ceremony under a tree, with a view of the falls. The ceremony was so beautiful, our officiant shared some lovely words, very personal to us, which made the ceremony so special. We exchanged non-traditional vows that we had chosen ourselves, and before that shared our "pre-vows" that we'd written ourselves. They were so beautiful, our words flowed with love and joy, and my cheeks hurt for hours from smiling so much. Everything was so wonderful, so perfect, I didn't even mind the gawkers, and they were the furthest thing from my mind as I kissed my beautiful bride.
Our reception was perfect as well (I know I've overused that word, but it's really the best way to describe it!). We walked across the border to Canada, where my wife (!!) and I had dinner with my mom, dad, sister, and brother-in-law in a revolving dining room 775 feet above the falls. It was an incredible experience, with breathtaking views and delicious food. Everyone there was truly happy for us, celebrating our love and our life together, which made it even more sweet.
Waking up next to my wife in Thursday morning was one of the most surreal experiences, and I can't even count how many times I said "my wife" in a tone of amazement, accompanied by a giggle and a huge smile, or stared down at my rings. It's been two days now, and I really don't know when I'll start calling Callie anything other than some variation of "my wife" or getting over the shock of being married (good shock!). We got to spend Thursday afternoon on the Canadian side of Niagara Falls, enjoying a delicious lunch and walking around the touristy area holding hands, playing games in the arcade, before making the drive back. We were also extremely lucky to have the day together today. I am so grateful for every moment I got to spend with Callie this week.
Our life is not a fairy tale. This is not our "happily ever after." If it was, my beautiful wife would not be on a plane alone right now, headed back to our beautiful babies, while I sit on the sofa watching Survivor with my mom. We still have obstacles ahead of us, though they're getting fewer and fewer as time goes on. Happily ever after is where the story ends. But for us, this is just the beginning of something beautiful. We still have a lot of struggle ahead of us - spending our first few months of marriage apart - but we have such a bright life ahead of us, and I just can't wait to see what the future brings.
Our wedding photos are not ready yet, because Callie still needs to edit them, but I wanted to share a few photos from our incredible "weddingmoon." The picture where we're all lit up with electric smiles (my new profile pic) is an iPhone pic snapped after we became Mrs and Mrs.
The train ride home was beautiful. I was sat looking out of the train window onto the most beautiful deep orange sky as the sun slowly slipped down lower, down behind the trees . It was the end to a most beautiful day. The very last day of October 2016.
It felt like summer today, warm and balmy, it was still feeling just like summer. It was almost too nice to have stayed indoors all day, but indoors we stayed....and there was nowhere else we'd rather have been.
To share a bed picnic and a plastic cup or two of fizz was just perfect on so many levels ....Checking into that 'day' room today with our bag full of edible treats was more exciting than tea at the Ritz somehow..... opening that door to our room on the twelfth floor had us just bursting for every moment that was about to stretch out before us.....
It had been so long since we'd been here in this Ibis hotel, it had been so long as we haven't really needed it recently. I've had my own place, somewhere for us to be together, or I've been able to come to you Tess. So we haven't really needed that day room recently, such is the way our lives have been lived.
But our LDR is not always easy, the longing and the missing of each other is, on occasions fraught with emotion and frustration ..... but omg it is also the most beautiful thing ever and I think we both know that one day we will look back upon this time we are sharing and smile as to how well we have coped. We will smile at how we both, in turn, held each other up when one was low or how we both soared at every single moment we were gratefully able to spend together.... And our day room in Reading with a bed picnic fit for a queen was just the perfect tonic for today.... omg and how perfect was it baby?....
So Tess to feel you wrap your arms around me like you do, to feel our legs entwine and to feel the soft pillowy cushions of our breasts as we press our naked bodies into each other feels just like heaven. And then to spend the day wrapped in each other's arms after sharing the most perfect lovemaking is all it takes to have us both drift off into deepest, dreamiest sleep ever.
(Sometimes we don't realise just how tired we are. Sometimes we function on the outside like we are on autopilot when really on the inside our body needs and craves a day to lose ourselves in each other and into a day of slumber. Today was one of those days, today we both really needed those hours just to wrap ourselves into each other and melt away into the land of our shared love).
I think we should call it 'Our Slumber Day'.
And today, after our lovemaking we slept in each other's arms, a much needed daytime sleep. And I think we both dreamt of distant places, of faraway shores and soft warm places that had us both feel secure and with a calmness that enveloped us totally. Or did we just dream of nothing....I'm not sure totally but it was just perfect for today. And upon waking from these dreams, wrapped so tightly in each other's arms we both realised just how very tired we really were.)
So now I'm sat on my train home and darkness has fallen outside and I smile inwardly knowing that those hours we've shared today in the pillowy softness of each other will recharge our hearts and our minds.
Those Ibis hours will have us both know that what we share still is, as it always has been THE most beautiful things known to man...(or woman)
A most beautiful love that is felt so deep inside we just know that we have to just keep holding tight, keep being strong and keep looking forward.... for after all a shared love like this has to be worth the steps we are taking. Steps that will one day lead us to where we both very much want to be.... <3 xxxx
Gosh it has been so long since I have posted on shys in a blog. I rarely use shys these days but it's nice that I still have this place for days like to do when I have something on my mind that I want to get out.
Life has changed lately. It's stable finally after a lot of trial and error finding what works for us as a family with regards to work/study/looking after kids and Faiths health. It seems pretty stable, but you know what life is like it doesn't always go that way for long before something comes along and shakes it up.
So what brings me to blog today... What fills my head that I want and need to let out somewhere... Life does, that's what.
As some of you know back on September 30th I asked Faith to be my wife, to spend forever with me and be my one and only for life. I'd wanted to propose to her for quite some time but didn't want to do it too soon or rushed but also didn't want to wait too long either. July was when I initially made the decision to buy a ring and ask the question. I went shopping, looked at every ring possible. In the end I decided on a white gold, canadian iced diamond solitaire. She'd told me before that she liked that range before so it had narrowed down my choice.The day I went in to view them I fell in love with one, it had the most amazing sparkling diamond I'd ever seen. It was just beautiful but I didn't have anywhere near that amount of money so put down a small deposit and they ordered it in. It took a good few weeks but I loved paying it off. Any extra penny I had would go towards that ring, calling up and doing it over the phone, going in when I could. I wanted it paid off as quickly as I could. When I finally paid the balance off and got to take it home I was with my mum and kids. It was such a happy feeling knowing that I could finally ask her. How would I do it though? That was the next challenge what would I do that would make it special and memorable and more importantly a surprise? I looked at so many ideas, seriously everything you can think of I looked into it from flash mobs to skywriting. In the end I decided to hire a hill top wigwam and make it special to us. It over looked the forth road and rail bridge and I wanted the timing to fit to be sunset. I booked it about a week and a half before and then started buying little touches, star covered materials in different colours, a star projector, little pink love hearts, got all the pictures of the 2 of us together since we met printed out and set about putting my plan into place to propose. On the day my mum, daughter and I went to the wigwams and checked in. Then the work began making it special and perfect for the proposal. My mum took Rebecca away to the park and games room in the complex and I went in to the wigwam. I put pictures up over the walls, lined the room in fairy lights and draped up the lovely star fabric, about 2 hours later the room was finally ready for the proposal. Next, I spent time making my sign, I used stickers, stars and 2 hearts playing cards ( our song is All of me by John ledgend, both showing hearts was symbolic to us) and made the sign to say, Will you marry me. All sorted and perfect.
After a few hours had past It was time to go get G (Faith) from work. I wanted it to be a complete surprise. I didn't want her to know that I was planning to propose, so I casually told her that we were going for dinnner and then to go somewhere to watch the sunset. When we arrived at the restaurant though it was fully booked so we couldn't go there. (surprising for a Wednesday night) So I said to her we'd just go to the place I liked to watch the sunset. God was she confused. She thought I was parking outside someone else's wigwam to watch incredable views. When I opened the door to it she just looked stunned. I was down on one knee and asked her to be my wife. Her saying yes was incredable. I was so happy just to have her agree to be my wife.
The next few months I went in to wedding planning mode like crazy, we booked a venue in Loch Lomond, I chose my bridesmaids and started putting everything together but the venue fell through and we went back to square one. Now though, we have made some changes. We're eloping and getting married on a beach with just the kids and our parents and things seem to be going well with this plan. It feels more right than the last one, like it's "us".
With other things in life I seem to be struggling at the moment. My ex husband seems to have checked out as a dad. I know deep down he loves and cares for the kids but work and his new gf take priority and the kids seem like an after thought. I want him to be happy, I want him to have a good life but I don't like her at all, this part of me that spent 12 years of my life with him wants to shake him. I want her to snap out of what ever he's thinking when it comes to her and find someone better. He's bewitched. She's 22, she's on drugs and has a 2 year old (the same age as our daughter) Who is being looked after by social services because she's not able to be a mum. Now my ex husband wont see our children without her being there too!! So I end up having to either stop him having contact and deal with a heart broken 10 year old son, who misses his dad more than anything in the world or let him be around THAT! It's awful!!! I trust that the kids will be safe with him being there, I just hate that he's chosen a partner who is as awful as this girl. I wish he'd found a nice girl, someone stable but I get no say obviously and he does his own thing.
University work, I enjoy. I'm in my second year of my forensic psychology degree, but with my mood being so low lately and having depression back means I've been struggling to do it. It's like I have a deep sadness all the time at the moment. I can look around me and know I'm happy and have so much to be happy and thankful for but I just have a "feeling" like life is going to fall apart and I'm going to lose everything. I don't know why I feel this way. It makes no sense, but that feeling is there and I can't shake it. *Sigh* I feel like a rubbish mum, a rubbish partner and rubbish person. I hate depression I really do!! Can't wait for it to pass and to feel better.
I've got a lot coming up to look forward to. I have a break away in Newcastle with my best friend in March, we've not had a lot of time together lately so that'll be good. My fiancee and I have loads coming up too. We have 2 concerts and our second anniversary and also 1st anniversary of us moving in together. Eek!! It's so exciting!
Our relationship is still amazing, I'm still very very loved up with her, I have however realised that with being in a relationship where you are so crazy, happy, loved up that it is also scary when they go away. She went to her mums for a few days last week and I felt awful! It was like I didn't know how to cope with her going away, it frightened me. I actually felt like I was missing half of me, I felt sick and like I was grieving her. So when it came time for her to come back I freaked out and didn't know how to cope with her coming back either. It's tough, but I realised that I have become too attached, too clingy and I need to try and be a little more independant again, because way I felt wasn't healthy at all, especially as she'll be going to visit her mum next month and more often. I don't want to feel broken because she's away. I need to build some strength on my own. I don't really know where to start with it, but I'm going to give it a go. It's partly why I decided to go away with my friend. To try and learn how to breath when she's gone, because I have to. Falling apart because she's 500 miles away for a few days isn't an option, especially with 2 kids and a house to look after. In my previous relationships I was always very seperate, very independant and with G, I don't want to be but I've went from one extreme to another and with her having to go away some times I need to not be that way, I need to learn a balance.
So back to wedding planning...
We have it booked!!! on 10th of July 2017, we are getting married on a beach in the outer hebredes!! We've booked celebrant, we've booked photographers and next we are buying rings. We also plan to buy our first home together in 2017!!! It's going to be a big year. We don't know where we'll live, but we just want a happy, family life with our 2 amazing kids!!
So 2016.... I don't want it to be a year waiting for 2017. I want this year to be fun...
By 2017 I want to have been to a murder mystery weeked, I want to have been to a club, I want to have travelled somewhere and I want to have expended some horrizons!! I turn 30 this year!! I want to enjoy my last 6 months in my 20's.
I'm very lucky, I have an amazing fiancee who I love with all my heart, 2 perfect and happy kids and opportunities to live more. I know this depression i'm in will go away when weather gets better and the sun comes back but for now I'm chosing to be happy, to try my hardest to not let this get the better of me and to enjoy the good things!
Hope you are all doing well! Maybe even see some of you at our Wedding Party when we come back I don't like connect much with shy's anymore but I'm greatful to the friends I have made here. Much love to you all xxxxxx
I read that in a study carried out by Boise State University they found that out of a group of about 500 heterosexual women, 60 per cent were sexually attracted to other women; 45 per cent had kissed a woman and 50 per cent had fantasies about the same sex. So what do you think? I've heard stories from friends who were told they can't be bisexual. That they had to choose to be heterosexual or homosexual, and that if they were bisexual it meant they hadn't excepted their true sexuality. In my opinion these people have clearly never heard of the Kinsey Scale, which clearly explains that sexuality is a continuum along a variable scale between absolute heterosexual and Homosexual. Life is all about continuum as is sexuality. Research has also shown that sexuality changes within a persons lifetime. Studies have shown that the majority of women are bi curiou when it's comes to sex and it becomes more pronounced the older women get. When my friends told me that people had told them they had to choose between homosexuality or hetrosexuality I couldn't believe it.
Why should you have to choose? Nothing is ever black or white. Research has shown that everybody is somewhere along the Kinsey Scale whether its leaning over more to one side or the other or just straight through the middle; and it moves thorough out your lifetime with what attracts you at the time. I think many Gay and Lesibian communities hold this view that you should one or the other. I heard many people say people who are Bi are greedy. These people have no idea what there talking about. I bet someone said the same thing to when they came out and never questioned it??
Source: Are All Women Bisexual?
SHARK WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK BITCHES!!!!!!!!!!! WOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOO
hahaha! fitting considering there's been so many freakin attacks, jesus.
UGGGG video embedding you suck again!
Life has been a biznatch lately and besides me being the last man standing in my department, shits been whoa crazy.
I think I have had a "come to secret jesus" moment. I call it secret cause only I know.
So for the past 2 weeks, I've hosted a very good friend of mine who had a second shoulder surgery. Like I took her to the hospital, brought her back, took care of her like she was a kid. Legit, like she was a kid. I freakin gave her showers and her meds. Now, I don't have any issue with that at all, i'm all too willing to help out a friend in need. She stayed with me and my fiance in our small apartment cause her "home" life is abusive (home being in quotes cause she's currently couch surfing on her mom's couch, who by the way, is an abusive section 8 druggie. yeah, this girl has been through enough shit to make your toes curl). So also, she couldn't take her adarol for her ADHD. Which made caring for her equivalent to caring for two sugar infested 8 year olds.
Which in turn, made me feel frustrated as all hell cause I had enough trouble keeping my life in order, much less someone who was giving me 10 orders at once then wanting me to play video games with her and her nagging me about it. Then I felt like shit cause I was getting frustrated with her, which isn't her fault. Also add to this lovely shit feeling sandwich, were two cherries on top. First one thinking - If this is what is its like to have kids, I'm gonna be a shitty ass bitchy mother and totally fuck everything up.
Secondly, and here is the jesus moment, what if this is what its like to have a poly relationship? Constantly tending to one or the other's needs and playing peace maker (hubs was pretty supportive until he saw her arm out of the sling a few times, then still giving me orders like a maid. After that, he was starting to get pissy. I was a bit too, she should have kept the arm in the sling, but that's neither here nor there). I always thought I'd be the hinge and things of course would have their bumps in a poly relationship. But this was kinda a wake up call. Like, what if i had a poly relationship and the person we want to include is demanding? or touchy? or bipolar? Like I know no one is perfect, everyone has their quirks. This kinda made it more real though, you know? What if I'm not even the hinge? Could I deal with the competition of hubs's attention? Or even in a threesome which me and hubs have agreed to (but I have no balls to hit on chicks yet), could I deal with watching him with another woman? What if it's a woman that I don't get along with? Cause lets face it, I'm a bit of a quirk myself.
Which also brings me to another rant.
I've been considering dropping shy's. Like leaving. I don't really participate much and when I do, I seem to rub peeps the wrong way, even if I don't mean to. And the thing is, like i said before, women are more intuitive and thoughtful. Meanwhile, I take NOTHING seriously and no one should take ME seriously. Like hardly ever. ever ever ever. trust me, you'll know when I'm sur-ious. PLUS I've no energy for debates or being told "NO, YOUR WRONG, CLEARLY I'M RIGHT ABOUT MY OPINION". (which also ties into am I really compatible with any female persons even in a friendship manner?)
But so far, I've made a small number of friends, and I have a feeling that my F'd up rants and vids may make at least one of you smile or laugh. so it's kinda worth it in that aspect.
I dunno, we will see.
So many pretty girls out omg. Yay oggling!
While I have loved the time I have spent on here, I need a break from it again. A lot has been going on in life and I need to pay more attention to the important people in my life, including myself. It seems that I spend too much time on social media. (Here and tumblr) I want to get back to learning more about myself and enjoy nature. Also, I want to focus on getting healthy again. For me, part of getting healthy is getting away from social media for a while. Not sure how long I will be gone from here. Though, I do promise it won't be a year like last time. I need this. For those of who want to stay in contact, message me and we can exchange phone numbers or something. It's time for a clensing or maybe a better word is recharge. I just wrote a poem that came out of nowhere, so here it is.
Let It Go
Let it go, all of it.
the one’s who don’t appreciate who I am
Let it go, all of it.
the unused space
the excess of negative thoughts
the excess of negative people
Let it go, all of it.
the reminders of what I don’t have
the time I spent pinning over what I can’t have
the lack of sleep from ruminating over what I can’t change
Let it go, all of it.
the what if’s
the I can’ts
the I won’ts
Let it go, all of it.
I won't say bye, because this isn't that kind of post. This is see ya soon.
Things have improved in the past few months. We'll be glad to get out of this crappy studio. This was only meant to be a temporary stop on our journey. Management doesn't take responsibility for what they should. They either ignore problems or if they do something about it, cheap out. For example, they're suppose to have an exterminator out for all of the units tomorrow. Not going to even describe the unwanted visitors we've all been plagued with. Different sorts, but, we've all had them. They had someone come out & do a treatment six months ago & it didn't do any good. We're looking to purchase a mobile home & it can't be soon enough.
I also am waiting on new glasses. It's been years since I had any. When we could afford them, didn't need them. When I did, we didn't have the extra funds. My eyes have been bothering me, plus, it was my & my husband's birthday gift to me. I should have taken the prescription somewhere else. I let the woman at the optometrist's pffice (first time I was there) send it in. It's been two weeks & I still don't have them. I found out today, that, the lab they use is in TX. I had called her before they closed, but, she waited until after they had, so, she has to call tomorrow. She's nice, but seems a bit flaky. If it was me, I would regularly call the lab to make sure they're expediting things, so, the patients don't have to wait long.
The two aforementioned are the main stressful & depressing situations. Overall, other things have gotten better. One thing, we bought a good used Town Car three months ago. It's comfortable, a smooth ride, handles well. It only had one previous owner who, obviously, maintained it very well. We're doing the same. We just want to be into the next chapter of our lives, where, it doesn't always feel like such a struggle.
Plus, I'm a little hurt that my husband was the only one who acknowledged that today was my birthday. We're going out tomorrow, to one of our favorite places, for breakfast. It's rather subdued this year. I don't quite feel like celebrating. Next year, I'm looking forward to it. I know we'll be back on track & have experienced so many good things. What would have helped, put me in a better frame of mind, is if more people remembered it was my birthday. One person did here, so, thank you for that. I don't expect a fuss. Just a simple happy birthday would suffice.
My best gal pal moved to MI last year, with her husband, to take care of her parents. Haven't heard from her. Nor my other good friend, who, stopped communicating with me a few weeks ago. I thought I would, at least, hear something from them. I'm going to stop typing now, before, I feel more hurt & disappointed.
So it's over. I no longer have a girlfriend. For several reasons not least of which was distance and available time for us to meet. I have no issues with an LDR but I need to be able to meet the other person more than once every 5-6 months, I can't conduct a relationship like that as it just doesn't allow the intimacy and closeness I need and crave with a woman.
She taught me a lot but in the end it wasn't everything it seemed to be and I've been through enough to know when something is causing me more damage mentally and emotionally than it is doing good. It's hard because now I am back to wondering if there is anyone out there for me, any woman strong enough to be with me, who can understand who I am, who can take the time to get to know me and yet also realise that I want soft and sensual as well as kinky and out there. I want sex with a woman and the close times too, a weekend once a month or once every two months just me and her, doing things together, wrapped in each others arms, that passion and intensity from her as well as from me. Someone who sets my heart, soul, body and mind on fire.
I'm trying to be the best i can be for whenever she turns up. Am losing weight after gaining again and have already dropped 9.5lbs in the last fortnight and plan on losing a lot more. I have also started just being on dating sites and messaging women I like even if they seem like they would never even look twice at me.
I feel so damned on edge and wound up, I hate feeling impatient. Just wish things would happen sooner rather than later.
Sharing these two articles today. I did not write them, only thought they may contain something helpful for others.
"All Women and Never Men: a Rant on a polyamory I dislike"
"Baby, we're poly; you can date all the women you want. But no guys."
That's the kind of polyamory that drives me crazy.
Look, if your guy is such a brobdignagian studmuffin that after shuddering in the shadow of His tremendous cock you need no others, then great! As the woman, you've made the choice not to seek other menstuffs. I support that. What I do not support is the polyamory model where the guy, majestically, allows his woman to date all the chicks she wants, but never men.
And it's fucking everywhere. As a blogger with a reasonably sizable audience, I usually enstate a cooldown time between "a friend of mine does something that vexes me" and "the day I blog about it," just so they don't feel like I'm picking on them. But it never stops. Every other fucking week, I have a good pal who meets a guy who's wonderfully encouraging, because he wants her to have all the loving relationships she can handle - as long as they have boobs! And no penis. That penis is scary, y'all.
It's so everywhere, and I just fucking hate it.
Now, not every poly relationship is the same, and I'm sure that YOUR poon-but-no-peen relationship is based on factual evidence that men are the crushers of dreams. But what I often see, when I look closely at these restrictive gardens, is a monstrous selfishness: Oh, you can have all of the sex you want, so long as it turns me on. I think lesbian sex is the spice, and maybe if I'm lucky I'll end up as the filling in your slut sandwich, so go on and have your fun. Besides, we all know that women's relationships aren't nearly as deep or threatening as guy relationships, so it's fun to indulge you - it's like watching two kittens play! You girls are so cute.
The reason I hate it is because that's a form of polyamory, but more often than not it's one that's selfish, misogynistic, and dysfunctional. It's often a way of saying, "Everything in this relationship needs to serve my needs." Because I've talked to a lot of those women while their man is out on a date with a new girlfriend, and it's not like they don't get the usual poly-quivers of jealousy and terror (as these dude-types are invariably a) arrow-straight and b) always willing to find just one more woman to fuck, as long as she's cute). The women sit at home, not at all turned on by this new potential threat to their relationship, trying bravely to be fair because, "Well, this is an open relationship, this balancing of affections is just part of how it works."
Except it doesn't. Does he ever sit at home, worried about her on a date with a guy? No. It's a one-way street because when she's flirting with a hottie male at the club he gets all OMG HIS COCK WILL SUPPLANT MINE, and that shit is just too terrible for any man to deal with - so no, just fool around with harmless little women. (If you've read some of my previous rants on how dumb guys approach penises, you'll know what I think of the whole ubercock routine.)
Look, my wife dates other men. Is it always easy on my ego? No. But even the best polyamory involves a few inadvertent shots to the self-esteem. There are people who will tell you that good polyamory involves never being jealous or insecure, and I'll say fuck those inhuman robots right in their crankcase. Poly has a lot of benefits when it works - but even the best of relationships will occasionally have these monkeybrain down times of, "If she's having a really good time with someone else, can she really love me?"
Yes. Yes, she can. But walling off a whole fucking sex just so you don't have to have your dark night of the soul is selfish. Just go fucking monogamous, dude - there's nothing wrong with that. But no, you want your hot threesomes, and you want to sex up as many chicks as you can, and she's conveniently bisexual so you can just let her have her explorations as long as it's not threatening to you.
I shall repeat: If you're the woman, and you really don't want any men, then I say that's great. (As witness this excellent essay by @McTrouble detailing her issues with "The 'H' Word" - https://fetlife.com/users/14442/posts/1098539 - which should be required reading.) But if the reason you don't want any men is because he'd melt down in jealousy, then that's a marker of potential problem - and one where, in my experience, the woman will jump through hoops to avoid bruising his ego, but when he eventually finds someone who threatens her, suddenly he's all "Baby, you've got to learn to be more open-minded!"
Generally, that means, "You have to be more open-minded about doing only things that make me happy." And "All the sacrifices in this poly are going to be yours." And "Women can't really get attached to other women in a meaningful way." And I hate that. Hate all of it. Hate it, hate it, hate it.
(EDIT: A follow-up essay in case this boils over again: "What Two Consenting Adults Do Is Their Own Business")
"Polyfuckery or Polyamory"
My dear friend who recently died, Morning Glory Zell, coined the term Polyamory. She was seeking a word that would reflect the need and/or desire for more than one depthful, loving relationship.
Poly (many) Amory (loves) encompasses relationships that are founded on love, lead with love, and honor love. Sex can be involved in a polyamorous relationship but is not its only foundation. Polyamorous relationships are built to last & to be sustainable.
Healthy polyamorous relationships:
- are Honest
- are Transparent
- Practice sexual safety
- Practice postponement of gratification so as to keep the entire system/community safe
- Practice emotional safety (supporting the emotional safety of all ongoing partners)
- are Skilled in communication
- are adept at scheduling
- Practice self care
- are Passionate about sex but lack compulsivity around it
- Seek to create a win/win for all partners (theirs, yours, ours) that are connected within the loving system.
Polyfuckery OR Polysexuality on the other hand leads with sex, is founded on sex, and honors sex. Positive loving feelings can be involved in Polyfuckery but it is not the foundation of the relationship. Polyfuckery relationships are built to satisfy immediate gratifications for lust, desire, adventure, freedom, discovery, and/or variety. Polysexual relationships could last over time. Polyfuckery relationships can be a delicious experience.
Polyfuckery or Polysexual relationships:
- Could be honest & transparent OR could advocate for privacy. If healthy the privacy is collaboratively designed with their partners. If unhealthy the privacy is designed to support acting out sexually & without their partners consent.
- Could be light, fun, clean, casual & a delight to those involved as well as safe for any longterm polyamorous relationships. OR could be emotionally seductive, unclear, compulsive, messy & lead to heartbreak for those involved as well as for any longterm polyamorous relationships.
- Is often most successful (& the least emotionally seductive) in clear containers & within stated agreements like; a sex party, a play party, a swing club, burning man, a festival, or a limited date.
- Shows signs of complusivity/addiction when date lengths & times increase exponentially & without agreement from longterm partners, have hidden rendezous, have & quick high and then a drop of interest, include over promising to try to get someone to have sex.
I have been in recovery with sex & love addiction for over 15 years. I have compassion for the parts of us that can be so driven to connect, have fun, get high in lust or love, and try to numb ourselves from the suffering interwoven in life.
I have had beautiful polyamorous relationships & destructive ones. Over time, I came to realize that the destructive ones shared something. . . either I was using the word polyamorous OR someone else was to cover up their real agenda - - - getting a "fix" a "high" from erotic engagement with another human being.
If you are suffering in a supposed Polyamorous Relationship yet know in your heart you COULD be Polyamorous in the right circumstances, you may be with someone who is a Sex and/or Love Addict OR saying they want Polyamory when they truly desire Polysexuality.
May our soul lights & intimate lives shine,
rytime I hear something about being gay or bi or something along those lines, I start to think about how I am slowly becoming more accepting of myself and yet not at the point of wanting to share it with the world or even people around me. It was easier years ago when I had my best friend around and had someone to talk to and share things with and there has been no one else like that in forever and I find myself thinking about him a lot. There was a time that we didn't talk after the first time I deleted and blocked him and then we reconnected and then had a period where I hardly heard from him and let him go again..I had thought about sending him a friend request again and then I realized that if he wanted to be a part of my life, he could of sent me a friend request as well or a test or something and that says a lot right there.
But anyway, just hearing people- either my mom, her friends, etc, talk about gay people they know, all I can think about is how I'm not out and I don't know what to say about things.. one thing that comes up is how her boss has a ",partner" or whatever and it gets blown off when I mention it would be husband or whatever. Then a few times she will mention that someone could be gay, or whatever and she is fine with it, but yeah, when I came out to her I was told it was my business and she didn't want to hear about it...I know I could open the can of worms and say what I am thinking, but I don't want to have to defend my opinion and then when our neighbor comes over, I sometimes triy to avoid talking to her because she can be so freaking nosy and have to know everything...just like her dad used to be.
In the back of my mind, I know that I could come out and have to answer questions about it from everyone, and I take that as a sign I am not totally ready. I am becoming more comfortable with myself and I don't deny I am bi,and that is one reason I started this blog as a place to clear my head and I am learning more of what I want and slowly becoming comfortable in checking out girls. But I just don't feel ready to share this with everyone around me and maybe just maybe I don't have to.
But more on this later, I am falling asleep and need some sleep...
That's all for now:)SHAR
There's an American comedian named Bill Engvall. Aw, heck, here -- watch this ...
Not the funniest comedian ever, but when you have a signature line like that, who cares, right?
I've had a tire that's needed fixing for probably a month. It just kept going flat. And I've been so balls to the wall and addled, I hadn't gotten it fixed.
But today, I decided it was time. I wasn't looking forward to the expense or the time it would take to get a new tire. And I hate buying one tire at a time, but the partner tire still had good tread. Soooo ... I resigned myself to buying one probably expensive tire.
I waited about 20 minutes while they checked out my tires, then the clerk said my car was ready. "20 minutes?" I thought. Wow.
So I go to the counter to pay my bill. "$15," he said.
The wheels in my head turned very, very slowly, and without thinking it through sufficiently, I asked, "Did you have to put on a new tire?"
And mentally cringed. I probably made a funny face because that was a stupid thing to ask. Tires don't cost $15, ffs. I shook my head at myself.
The clerk gave me a half smile and said, "No. You had a nail in the tire. We plugged it."
I pasted a pained smile on my face and asked, "Ah. My next question was going to be where do you get those $15 tires." And gave a pained laugh.
"Here's your sign," I thought grumpily as I climbed in my car. Yeah. Just give me that sign that says "I'm stupid" and I'll carry it around awhile.
So you need a rain check....
Get real! That's what I say to that...
To have someone to tell you all the time that they want a serious-committed relationship with you but in the same breath say they can't handle kissing you in public or even being close to you in an intimate way in public seems a bit confusing but I'm not the one confused. I've told this person time and time again that I can't be in a relationship with them under the circumstances that they want me to be under. It's just not going to work and it's not like we hadn't tried it already. I clearly told her what I wanted out of a relationship and she wants the opposite but we are suppose to be a match. So recently she was telling me how she was ready to "come out" for me because she just really wanted to be with me. I don't think it's ever good to "come out" for someone else. That's something you have to do for yourself so of course I told her not to "come out" for me. But I wanted to test her theory of if she was really "ready". We had a night out..dancing with friends. So I acted as if I was with her..I did all the things I would normally do out with a gf...hug on my gf, steal away kisses on the neck and lips, hold hands, dance together.....but she continuously denied me and stated that she couldn't handle being like this in public. And as soon as we get out of the eye of people and in our car she wanted to be all over me...and that I can't handle...if you can't do the simple things in public...than I can't do the simple things behind close doors. I told her that we are at different places when it comes to female/female relationships and she probably needs to find someone that is okay with only being intimate behind close doors because I am not. She has told me that she is not attracted to any other female but me, she doesn't find women attractive just me, she doesn't even want to date women and have no thoughts about them...I don't know how to be any clearly about what the deal is....She is a very nice person, I enjoy being around her....but friends is all I see for her and I...
I am struggling to control my mouth lately. Maybe it's getting older and caring less what others think, maybe I am more temperamental than I used to be. But, more and more, as I am around people who make certain assumptions about my life based on their observations (and my silence on the matter) I feel words bubbling below the surface that I have to bite my tongue not to utter!
Example 1: I posted a bisexual struggles article on my FB wall. It took less than 5 minutes for my mother to call and ask if my FB had been hacked. I said, "No, I don't think so, why? "
"Well, why would you share an article from Pride then?"
I just told her I found it interesting and changed the subject. But in my head I was screaming, "Because I'm gay, Ma! Got a problem with that?!?!?!?
I love the woman, but she is a very naive 78, and might actually have a stroke if I ever did come out to her. It's as much the generation she is from as anything, so many things that were her "normal" are completely not ok now, and that will never change. But at the same time I want to shake some modern sense into her!
Example 2: A discussion started amongst a group of friends. One owns a photography business, primarily wedding photography. She and her husband are worried and upset, because they are completely against gay marriage for religious reasons, and if a gay couple asked them to shoot their wedding, they feel like they would HAVE to do it or risk being sued and losing everything. Ok, I actually don't have a problem with them not wanting to, they have a right to their religious beliefs and freedoms. I honestly think that if a business owner feels they want to refuse service, they are within their rights....of course, their business might also not last very long, but that's their choice.
At the same time, I am thinking in my mind that I would actually love to tell them I'm gay, just to see if they start back tracking and stumbling over their words....because their views are so narrow minded, what would they actually do if they found out SOMEONE THEY ARE FRIENDS WITH IS GAY?!?!?!?
Example 3: Our bible study group was talking about the way Jesus reached the lost...He didn't sit in the temple and wait for them to show up, He went to where they were and met them on their terms. It's so different from the way most churches are today, and if we want to be true Christ followers, shouldn't we be following His example? But beating people over the head with what they are doing wrong is ridiculous, and just gives more people a negative view of Christianity. We should just do as Jesus said, Love God and love our neighbor. God can handle the rest, we don't need to. Then one guy pipes up, talking about how he had a gay friend at work, a really cool guy, and because he wasn't being beating over the head with a bible and judged about his sexual orientation, it had helped him view Christians in a better light. The whole group was like, good job, that's how we should treat people, we should welcome them, blah blah blah.
Not me...oh no. I was seething the whole time. I just wanted to start screaming at them, "Put your money where your mouths are...I'm gay, and I teach your children and live among you! I'm a Christian, and God hasn't convicted me on my bisexuality at all! Believe me, I have had plenty of conversations with God about this before He gave me peace about it!"
I am starting to feel like maybe He is convicting me on something though....living a lie. A lie of omission, but still a lie nonetheless. And it's going to come to a head at some point. Probably at a very inopportune moment, and my mouth is going to open and I am going to verbally vomit all over someone...
I should sell tickets.
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It's been awhile since I have been here, and mostly because I didn't have a laptop, but now I have a new one. Yay!
But life has been quite a bum and I have to work to work and things just generally suck. Boo...
I'm perfectly fine with sex and sexuality, may there be another girl or guy out there for me. Yay!
But I've been stupid and depressed over the past year while people where in their own lives. Boo...
I've tried hard to claim self-ownership and take care of myself. Yay!
But everything still sucks, have little motivation, and I'm on the wrong side of this damn "pond". Boo...
Meaning I still want to perform and be amazing. Yay!
But New York is not London. Boo...
And much like old London I've been in a bit of a fog not really knowing which way is up or down. Nothing quite makes sense. This depression would have been decent if only I had controled my instincts better. But here I am, on the outside not being confined to a white room. I am okay, I am safe. What do I do about that gray anyway? Use it for my artistic plans? Brilliant.
Getting medication... say what? People say that it will help. Least my mom and the doctor say so. And these are only a step in the right direction. I have to make my own changes as well. I would like to be able to go to work and not break down in a corner with no one around. That is, if I still have that job when I go back.
Thing is no one told or even suggested that maybe, just maybe I was depressed. No friend, family member, co-worker suggested that. And they all knew that I broke up with my ex. My friends knew that I was over him. Even the consular I have been seeing since I broke up with the s.o.b. did not say it to me. What does she write on that pad for crying out loud? People don't listen to me in real life all the time. But wouldn't you notice a friend who is always tired, uber stressed, seemingly on edge, missing classes, and missing work. Maybe even missing meals even though you sit at the same table all the time? Wouldn't you ask her a question if she is okay, and NOT in a public space?
None the less I have started to freak out about going on medication. But what will happen if I don't? If I don't plan for nothing then nothing will happen, as my mom would say. That fog could lead me out of London into a lonely and desolate marsh that will consume me.
I have to choose what path I want to take.
Or in the infamous words of Ms. Black, should I "sit in the front seat" or "kick in the back seat"?
Which seat SHOULD I take?