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I think a guy and I are flirting.
I mean, he comes up to me today, asks if I want a kiss, and hands me a Hersey's Kiss. That's flirting, right?
I just hope I didn't blush too bad at that. Especially if it actually wasn't intended as flirting. I used to blush horribly. No one has commented on it in a few years, so I can only hope I got over that tendency.
That's far from the only example, though so much of it is the sitting around mildly insulting eachother sort of flirting, so it's kind of hard to say. It's maybe possible that it's been going on for years, but definitely escalated over the past few months.
He's married. I'm married too, but we're poly, so it doesn't count. I told my husband I had a new work boyfriend, and he's like "Ok, whatever". But this guy, he's sealed in the temple for time and all eternity married. I ain't messing with that. Not that I believe in it, but it pushes several very specific mistrust buttons for me.
But he's sweet and funny and clean cut and taller than me and intelligent and educated and caring. And paying attention to me. And all of this without one ounce of creepiness or inappropriateness, beyond the fact that we're both married and seem to be flirting.
And, truth be told, I don't think I have any real non-platonic interest in him. My mind hasn't gone there, and doesn't seem to want to. Which kinda makes me question whether I'm interested in men at all anymore.
I just like attention. Especially such nice, undemanding, PG attention.
I've always questioned whether he is actually straight. At first he totally pinged my gaydar. And then I found out he was Mormon, and that made sense, because it isn't unusual, in my experience, for Mormon guys to appear more interested in musical theater than women. But guys I'm interested in have this odd tendency to be gay, or at least bi, and he wouldn't be the first married Mormon guy with a bunch of kids to actually be closeted.
But he seems to be flirting with me, which implies at least some interest in women, except that I'm flirting with him and I'm not at all sure I'm interested, so perhaps it's the same on his end? Maybe this is all just some insane ego-boosting charade for both of us?
One can always hope. Because that's certainly easier than the eventuality that one or the other of us will have to put a stop to this.
I had my first dream with a woman last night...
Even in dreamland things can't go my way! At first everything was going perfectly... The two of us were on a bed, face to face with me straddling one of her thighs. We were touching and kissing, and all of a sudden she just gets up and leaves me there!
What the heck is that?!
rytime I hear something about being gay or bi or something along those lines, I start to think about how I am slowly becoming more accepting of myself and yet not at the point of wanting to share it with the world or even people around me. It was easier years ago when I had my best friend around and had someone to talk to and share things with and there has been no one else like that in forever and I find myself thinking about him a lot. There was a time that we didn't talk after the first time I deleted and blocked him and then we reconnected and then had a period where I hardly heard from him and let him go again..I had thought about sending him a friend request again and then I realized that if he wanted to be a part of my life, he could of sent me a friend request as well or a test or something and that says a lot right there.
But anyway, just hearing people- either my mom, her friends, etc, talk about gay people they know, all I can think about is how I'm not out and I don't know what to say about things.. one thing that comes up is how her boss has a ",partner" or whatever and it gets blown off when I mention it would be husband or whatever. Then a few times she will mention that someone could be gay, or whatever and she is fine with it, but yeah, when I came out to her I was told it was my business and she didn't want to hear about it...I know I could open the can of worms and say what I am thinking, but I don't want to have to defend my opinion and then when our neighbor comes over, I sometimes triy to avoid talking to her because she can be so freaking nosy and have to know everything...just like her dad used to be.
In the back of my mind, I know that I could come out and have to answer questions about it from everyone, and I take that as a sign I am not totally ready. I am becoming more comfortable with myself and I don't deny I am bi,and that is one reason I started this blog as a place to clear my head and I am learning more of what I want and slowly becoming comfortable in checking out girls. But I just don't feel ready to share this with everyone around me and maybe just maybe I don't have to.
But more on this later, I am falling asleep and need some sleep...
That's all for now:)SHAR
So I might have deep seeded issues from my childhood :-P . But I turned out reasonably sane, I promise. These are sayings grown-ups used to say that now as an adult I disagree with.
"You have to suffer to be beautiful."
From waxing, to high heels, to spending hours of doing our hair, women go through a lot of pain to look "pretty." My mom's justification is that it's just the cost of being beautiful. I strongly disagree. I believe beauty is when we are truly ourselves. We are truly ourselves when we are comfortable and in our own element. We are the most comfortable when we are at our most natural, when our essence shines through. And that takes no work at all (maybe just a little courage). So I believe that being our beautiful selves is the easiest thing in the world.
"All couples fight. It's just part of love."
I guess this was a way to explain the fights our parents would get into. There was always a lot of yelling, sometimes things got broken (photo frames, lamps, walls....). I understand that life has it's struggles, it's not all unicorns and rainbows. But yelling only escalates things. As an adult in a relationship approaching a decade, I have discovered that not all couples fight, at least we don't. Does that mean we love each other less? Certainly not! It means when we disagree we don't get defensive, and we listen to the other person. There are times when I do close in, and need space in order to process my feelings, but I would never lash out at my partner. We're in this together.
"Better to have loved and lost, than not loved at all."
I hate this saying. A lot. I've gotten it many times from adults after a heartbreak, and it did not help in the least bit. It doesn't make sense to me, and brings little comfort. Was I suppose to feel lucky then? Grateful that someone ripped out my heart? How does this help me heal? It didn't. Nor did it help me evolve as a person. Just say: "It sucks, I know."
It's been months since my last entry, and I've honestly missed being brutally honest on here. So much has happened, almost all of it a mess. My friend, who I fell hard for, told me to pursue relationships because she saw me as just a friend. Still, she acted weird every single time I started talking to someone, male or female. I tried to maintain, and I accepted that I probably wouldn't be with anyone. I was accepting that I had come out as bisexual, people were generally accepting, and I continued to work hard in therapy.
While doing some activities completely alone, I met someone. A beautiful man who wanted nothing more than to make me happy, to show me that I could be vulnerable, that not everything had to be scary, He asked me to just give him a chance, and I said we would get nowhere without complete honesty. With nothing to lose, I told him everything. Everything that hurt, everything I had been through, every reason I could not possibly be a good girlfriend. Most of all, I bit the bullet and told him that I was bisexual.
I had never told a potential partner this, and he had reasonable questions. How many women had I been with? Did I try to be with women? If we have a real future together, am I ever going to regret not being with a woman, because he wants 100% commitment? I answered every question honestly, including assuring him that if I was with ANYONE I would want 100% commitment too. He was looking to settle down, plan for a family, and it felt so natural. We've now been together almost six months,
The painful part comes in about three months ago when my friend, my crush, decided that I was not there for her enough. She felt uncomfortable with my relationships elsewhere; she said I was forgetting her and leaving her behind. Instead of talking to her about my pains, I shared everything with my boyfriend. Then, she observed me with a group of friends - having a good time - and said she had lost me. I tried to explain; we argued, screaming and crying, for hours with no resolution. I finally said, "I can't do this anymore. I need you to realize you are wrong on this one. It isn't fair what you're doing." She said I needed to do the exact same thing. I concluded, "I have to let you go."
We have not talked since. I had already paid for an expensive vacation which I took on my own, and it was so weird to know that she and I will never talk again. I explained to my boyfriend that ALL of this was complicated; he took the embarrassing details far better than I would've had the roles been reversed.
I hate that I feel like I ruined everything with that friend by admitting the truth; however, I am so lucky. I have met the absolute love of my life. He has shown me so much peace and acceptance that I've fallen so deep in love. It worked out for the best, and I'm glad I'm out. It is just that now I have completely new fears.
This man wants to be married, to have kids, and grow old together. I am terrified to be intimate again, especially since I've only been with one person - a violent, abusive man. I am terrified I will be a terrible wife, terrible mother. But I want this life...I want to be with him. I don't want to be afraid anymore. If I made it through the pain of losing a woman who I was sure would always be in my life, I know I can face these new fears. Wish me luck!
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I found shys on a random google search one evening and was soon hooked. I had finally found a place where I could be open about my emotions for the first time in my life! It’s liberating!
I have connected with some of the most amazing people who have made me open up (something I really wasn’t used to), they’ve listened to me on my down days (there have been many). We’ve laughed and shared stories and experiences, and every single interaction has made a huge difference to my life and how I’ve handled things along the way. I can’t thank you enough for taking the time to listen to me pouring my heart out even when you had your own problems to deal with so for that I am eternally grateful.
One unique lady became very special to me early on. I felt that magnetic pull towards her and I wasn’t sure what or why I felt that strongly, but I did. We hit it off quickly. So much in common, the same interests and desires. Everything just clicked into place. She was all I could think about. We messaged every day and grew closer and closer.
We were both open with our husbands, but sadly, they both became very insecure with our connection, which, to be fair, was stronger than either of us had ever experienced before, although we never told them how strong, I guess they could tell. As much as we love our husbands, we grew to love each other too and it consumed and scared us both. Despite their insecurities we had to see each other, with their consent, never crossing the line, and sticking to the firm boundaries that husbands had set. If you were hoping for a raunchy shys story, this isn’t it. It was however, the most romantic and loving relationship I’ve ever experienced with anyone before and I’m fortunate enough to have a best friend at the end of it too.
It’s been 11 months since our first messages and we’ve become so close, even if friendship is all we can have. The connection we made is unique and special and I’m a better person when I’m with her. I’m forever grateful to this place for making that possible.
So while her husband can’t bear the thought of her being with anyone else, mine is coming around to the idea. The journey I’ve been on with my marriage is a post for another time but he has been truly amazing and in an odd way it’s brought us closer. Lots of communication and trial and error, which has been really hard at times. In the end it all comes down to one simple but crucial point….that he must always feel like he’s my number one priority above anyone else. I neglected him at times and I see that now. He accepts I may have relationships with other women if the opportunity presents itself, as long as he never feels like second best. Sounds simple enough right?? I thought so until I fell in love with a woman. It’s…..intense! I have so much to learn.
So this is where I am now, a year later. I finally accepted who I am, I’ve dipped my toes in a world I was afraid of for a long time and found I’m quite at home here. I just need to figure out what I want, and I'm working a little harder on my marriage because he really is an incredible man.
Right now this is just a big thank you to the people who set up this wonderful site and allowed a highly supressed bisexual to express herself in ways she never thought possible. I hope it helps others too.
I'm tired of the way you make me feel. I 'm tired of the ups and downs and the way you play with my emotions. I'm tired of you being a controlling narcissist and getting mad or suspicious any time I do something. I'm tired of being married to my dad.
I grew up with an angry dad and he taught me how to repress my feelings and bottle up my emotions. He was always angry and the littlest things would set him off. I learned how to walk on eggshells at a young age. The abuse was never physical from him, it was all mental, verbal, and emotional. My dad had a way of making us feel stupid and insignificant with just a look or a phrase. I grew up knowing I'd never be good enough, I grew up knowing I'd always be lacking in some way. I learned to tune out the yelling, I built walls around my cold, hardened heart to keep the hurt out, my humor became cynical like his, I learned to turn off my emotions, and I learned to accept and also expect disappointment from people in my life. His cheating and affairs made me angrier and so full of hate and resentment. I grew up hurting and angry...and then I met you.
You made me smile and tore down my walls and defenses. You accepted me and my flaws with open arms, and you made me want to be a better person. I couldn't believe you were real or that you had fallen for me. You took care of me and held me at night, listened to me when I needed a friend...you genuinely cared. I loved showing you off and bragging on you to my friends because you treated me well and you were so respectful and sweet to me. I woke up smiling and went to bed snuggled in your arms. My heart was so full of love that I thought it was going to explode on a daily basis. You made me feel again....you made me want to feel again. You made me feel confident and strong and beautiful and loved. You made me feel smart and special and loved doing anything and everything with me....I felt like I could conquer the world with you by my side. You made me feel whole.
Then I lost you.
Physically you sit here across the room from me, snoring as you nap on the couch. The laughter and smiles have become fewer, and the arguments and degradation have become the norm. Those dark feelings of insecurity and unworthiness have started creeping up on me, waiting to once again become a part of me. My heart is gradually turning to stone as I write these words, and the bricks are being laid in a circle around it. My emotions are as drained as the Tequila bottle on the counter, and part of me has begun to disappear. That woman in the mirror? She's flawed, her imperfections are too many to name. She talks too much, she's too trusting, she gets zits and needs to lose weight and she never does anything right. You remind me with your words that I didn't do something right, you remind me with your actions that I'm not enough. "If I were enough for him, he'd want to be intimate with me once in awhile." Says the woman in the mirror. I try to fight the hurt and despair, but it follows me everywhere. I am tired of this battle. I am tired of always being wrong and feeling insignificant. I am tired of trying only to be crushed and hurt. I sometimes catch a glimpse of the man I married, the man you used to always be. But sometimes isn't enough...sometimes doesn't make me feel like you used to.
I sit here and shut down my feelings, I only feel hurt and confusion. I look at you as I feel my heart harden and the wall continue to go up. I will not let anyone hurt me anymore. I will not be vulnerable to you, even if it means I have to shut down completely. The dark feelings cover me like a blanket and suddenly I feel nothing at all. I'm becoming numb to feeling and I'm okay with that. I'd rather feel nothing at all if my other options are hurt and confusion. I can be comfortable being numb. I light my cigarette and let the feeling of feeling fade away. I feel a little cold inside, but it beats the way you made me feel. I tried so many times to tell you and each time was less important to you, I was less important. With each puff of smoke I notice the numbness growing inside me and it feels so familiar, like going home after a long vacation. I welcome the numbness and let it cover me completely like a blanket. I snuggle in and get comfortable with it, I think it is here to stay this time.
So I am still here, well in body anyway but taking all my strength to keep my sanity. I don't speak to anyone other than a polite good mor ning and sometimes not that if I can avoid it. I do keep my eyes open though having worked with the anti social behaviour team in case I can get that all important video evidence and I keep a diary. One of the things I had noticed is that the main perp, the most biphobic and loudest seems to have connections in the local gay community, so that her game now appears to be to try and hurt me in that way but as I have not ventured on the gay scene for decades this is not really gonna affect me. I have only picked this up from observations as I go about my business. It proves just how much she talks about me and the different strangers to me that she gossips to. It's horrible really to be vilified in this way and totally unjust. Of course there has to be something at the root of all this and what is it they say is the root of all evil? That says more about them than it does me.
In the meantime, me? I am physically and mentally exhausted. I don't know what the answer is, they can label me what they want but if I ain't feeling it I ain't gonna do it. Why should I? Just to please them? I don't think so. I ain't making any major life decisions until I am absolutely sure of how I am feeling and until I feel ready. The main thing I want now is peace and quiet and to be allowed to go about my legitimate legal business without having other people impose themselves on me and try to run my life.
The more they do that the more I will run in the other direction.
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Oh how I wish I could converse with you Em
Sit opposite you and intertwine our fingers, and have out hearts beat in sync
To see your pupils dilate, to hear your breathe, to smell the pheromones
Oh how I wish we could talk
Talk of our parents... dive right in to your brain
Your ability to know without speaking
Discuss our past, and present without a care for the future
Oh how I wish we could talk
In each others presence
And delicious awareness
Oh how I want to touch you on all levels
To hear you whisper my name
To curl up in your arms
To wipe away my tears
Oh how I wish we could talk Em
I really want to see how much you have grown
And show you how much I have been set free
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It all began back in 2009 when I found this site, I hid it from my hubby for two days. Then confessed all, which forced me to make my first comment on my sexuality - that at the time I was definitely bi curious. After arranging to meet up with some of the more local friends I'd made on here. I went along to my first BiFest in Birmingham, that day after listening to everyone else and being able to freely discuss my thoughts and feelings I realised that yes I was in fact BISEXUAL all along. I started to come out to people who were the very close near and dear, but hubby asked me to be discreet, as he didn't want bitch fit waves started in his family. I respected that, wasn't too happy about it but I understood and went along with it for him, especially as he was open and supportive in every other way.
I became like a teenager again, exploring online dating, discovering bi nights at swingers clubs - great for the more casual itch scratching with no strings and you can lock the men out! Even figured out I'd been harbouring BDSM leanings too, whole new discovery path of joy that has been.
Went on my first two dates ever, with girls I'd met on dating sites. Both separately turned into short term casual involvements. The first a lovely lesbian lady who isn't bifobic, and I'm still friends with even now. The second was a short lived relationship of sorts, still not 100% on what went wrong but it was fun while it lasted. Not to mention a string a casual making up for lost time action here and there, with casual involvements. Every year attending pride and loving that I could be 100% open for one day and not care who knew.
I even came out to my son, who has been hugely supportive from a young age. He sees no issue at all with my sexuality or relationship choices - I'm so lucky.
Then a good year or two of not much, after the short lived serious involvement. A new dating app for girls came along, and I found my current gf. We've been together a year and a half ish now. And so much has changed, hubby eventually told some of his family - which I'm certain lead to his dad feeling comfortable enough to finally out himself too. I still don't dance naked shouting from the roof tops, but I am more myself and don't have to always make excuses anymore - which is way more comfortable for me. And means I can be fairly openly public with my sexuality, my neighbours being the last nosy fuckers who gossip and could do damage being left really.
So that brings me to now. Where I think I'm approaching the edges of splits ville with the gf, more recently I've realised bits of us as a couple are really unhealthy, toxic even. I knew from the start we wouldn't last forever, as I was her first ... but I guess it's a watch this space and see how it goes.
At the end of October the hubby and I will be making our yearly trip to a long time stomping ground. We make the trip at least once a year. This year though I am very excited, as I have lost a bit of weight so I have a bit more options in what I can wear while there and since it will be during Halloween I get to wear a sexier costume too.
The only thing that is making me nervous is an incident that happened last year. We like to go into gentleman clubs(strip clubs) and have a bit of fun watching/talking to the dancers. Well last year my husband was drugged in a club there. We only had one or two small drinks prior to going in. The dancers were not my type so we didn't plan on staying long. My hubby asked for a drink as I sat in front of a stage talking with a dancer. She was trying to distract me by dancing on me and when that didn't work, she lifted my shirt/bra up and bit me on the left breast. Not a sexy bite either. She bit the hell out of me. Needless to say, I got up and told the hubbs we were leaving. When we made it outside he fell to the ground and couldn't get up by himself. Then he felt like he'd been paralyzed. He could barely talk. It took me an hour and a half to carry him (6'4"tall 300lbs) to our hotel that was only a few blocks away. It was scary and horrifying for us both. So that is stuck in my mind as I make our plans for this trip. Like I said, I am really excited to go but it makes me afraid to have even one drink while we're there and I'm worried about going to any strip clubs. This really sucks. :( I enjoy a nice romp with the dancers.
Ok here goes
I met this lady at a festival and we have been friends for two years now. She has also stayed at our home with others. Nothing has ever happened between us apart from the usual banter (Dh saying things like he normally does ) while sitting around the fire. I had just put snapchat on my phone as Ds1 was on it all the time. So I asked if I could add them, loads of banter between us all on a group chat
This time she was down it seemed she was flirting a little bit. We carried on chatting in the group snapchat. I messaged her and we have been chatting about everything, sending silly photos. I even told her about me admitting to my niece that I'm bisexual. I thought she already new, she took it well.
I am working nights from Friday so the night before I stay up till about 3 am then sleep in the day. She has offered to keep me company by phone for as long as she can stay awake.
I am hoping that she would like something to happen between us and be more than friends . I needed to write it down as I don't want to say much to Dh yet. He is so supportive with everything and I will tell him before anything starts but I just need to know from her that she wants me. I hope it will happen but if it doesn't I still have an amazing friend forever.
We had an amazing time at the festival, some nights we stayed up till 5am just talking. One night we got to go back to her tent and spend time alone ;D she made feel amazing. It's been two weeks and talk every day. She is the one for me. I am so happy that she chose me.
I think I managed about two hours sleep every night and a few naps in the afternoon.
Dh is amazing, he is the most supportive man and he has my heart. I love him more than words can say.
Thank you for reading
Today was the day I deleted my tinder. I have had it for a month or so now and decided to delete it. I have had no luck in my area and the people I did match with couldn't hold a conversation.
Not giving up that hope but it is really hard out there lol thank goodness this site is here so I don't go too crazy
It's the weirdest thing, but I don't cry when I'm sober.
Like...at all. Even when loved ones die. At least not genuinely.
I recognize that crying is a normal expression of emotion, but fuck if I'm subconsciously willing to do it without a few good slugs in me.
I just spent two hours with my eyes leaking. I don't know why I felt the compulsion to do it, but for whatever reason, I drank myself to a point where tears could flow freely. Now the head hurts a little, but the soul feels a little lighter.
There's nothing to talk about. No grand declaration of sorrow or stress.
I woke up feeling anxious. Worked all day with a feeling of anxiety. Came home, had several drinks, cried my eyes out at made up sob scenarios in my mind. Now I feel better.
Am I gonna talk it out with someone? Fuck no. Keep a stiff upper lip, soldier on, and never let them see you cry. Just cuz it's normal and natural, doesn't mean you have to shed that stone cold reputation.
Life sucks, Silo. Get right the fuck over it, and make it better, even if it kills you.
I have decided enough is enough.
If I'm not happy with myself or how my life is going, I need to stop moping about it and I need to change it.
I bought some new clothes today that aren't normally my style. Recently dyed my hair blonde and tonight I cut it and gave myself bangs, which I never do. I've been wearing make up more and damn, I just feel so much better about myself.
I'm a happier person dolling myself up, even if it's just for work or just for a few errands.
I feel so much better about myself, I have this new flood of confidence. I just feel so so good and it was such a little change.
The last few years have been a little tough to navigate through. With an empty nest to contemplate I knew that things had to change. Little did I know where those changes would lead.
The first changes I made were to begin to enjoy the relationship between myself and my DH more. Now we have more time to spend together i enjoyed every second of getting to know him a little more each day. I learned to be comfortable with just the two of us doing activities.
I still see a family with young children and pine for the days that I was just starting out with my family but it is a more comfortable place now than 2 years ago when I felt as though my right arm had been yanked off.
I went back to University to study my masters degree and only have 2 weeks of teaching left and then a dissertation and I will have a masters degree. Where I found the motivation to keep going I'm not really sure as it has been a hard year.
I feel now more at peace with my sexuality than I ever have. Lots of talking and thinking and overthinking and crying trying to make peace with myself has lead me to where I am now. I will say that every single tear and thought and discussion was absolutely worth it and I am happy. I am no longer pretending or trying to hide away desires from even myself. I am what I am and what I am needs no excuses - I finally understand the poignancy of these words!!
Do I have challenges - absolutely! Do I have things I need to work on - Yes. However I can see the path and journey needed now it is no longer crowded with clutter.
To top all this off I am moving in about 3 weeks to the other side of the country. A new job and a new life. New adventures.....I no longer feel I need to take over the world.....I just need to take over control of my world rather than just reacting to situations. I am now changing situations and am excited about everything the future has in store.
There is one lady in particular that I need to thank for her support every step of the way. She is the most patient, amazing, beautiful and inspirational woman I have known. She knows who she is although I'm not sure if she will see this. She has been there every step of the way with me through the journey over the last few years and she means more to me than she can possibly ever know.
Forgive my sudden intrusion. Re-entry is what this is. I joined many years in the past and have rolled, tumbled and endured gushing wounds along this path to self-acceptance. I wanted... perhaps, even, needed that bright, shiny label. I was so eager to uncap the pink, purple and blue marker and spell my name on a white, fat sticker that I could fix above my heart: bisexual, here!
I have learned that it's not so simple. I remember when I joined and I look back on the confusion, the fear, the titillation, the joy in finding others like me. I remember leaning over and looking down straight into the depths of my own uncertainty and wondering if it would be right to jump. And I did. I fell through darkness and light. Happiness and misery. I fell again, and again and again and again. And when I landed, and spat shattered teeth into my palm, I swore it was over for me. I swore that I would never venture outside of the neat little fence I set up for myself around this hut of isolation. It's too much trouble, I said, My heart can't take it. And yet...
Sometimes I miss the connection. I miss having a reason to check my phone early... when the birds first chatter their sweet songs, accompanying the slow birth of the morning sun. I miss inside jokes, texted in the late afternoon. I miss pictures of self, taken for one, and one alone. I miss sending something that, when opened, would bloom a brilliant smile across a sweet face. I miss being wanted, desired. I miss the anticipation of heart-bursting ecstasy, signified by a lopsided red circle on a kitchen calendar. I miss sifting through a pile of sappy nicknames. I miss pinning the ultimate love song to her lapel and smiling, feeling my heart beat hard enough to vibrate my chest whenever I would hear it. I miss remembering every wonderful, stupid little detail about her. Like her favorite brand of perfume. Or the first time she heard her favorite band live. I miss breathing out warm passion and hearing it echoed back, in perfect sync. I miss all that, and more. Damn it. Sometimes, in small and large ways... I really want a girlfriend again.
I have been meaning to write a new blog for a while and update things a bit haha My life has changed in so many ways since I first found this site and most of it for the better. The most obvious reason being I found a girl and fell in love. I suppose I should start at the beginning.
I am from a very small rural community that is conservative to the core. Not settling down and having babies is just not how things are done here. Struggling with feeling attractions to girls wasn't the norm.
See I was rejected for years. Never got asked out. Never got hit on. Finally dated a few guys after high school and it wasn't much. It was then I met my first gf. I was so starved for affection and attention that it didn't matter what hell she put me through because it was better than the alternative. This went on for a couple years until something terrible happened to me (I do not wish to add details). It cost me my job/career, what social circle I had and nearly took my sanity. I was immediately put on antidepressants and a mild sedative. With what I'd experienced the doctors thought it best to protect me from myself that way. About 6 months later I made the choice to stop it. I was shell of myself and I hated it. For me feeling nothing at all was worse than feeling bad. Throughout this time my gf stayed with me but her behavior didn't change. It was only at that point I realized that it was a toxic relationship. That I was only hurting myself by holding onto someone like her. Someone who wanted to use me for money and stability but couldn't be bothered to be faithful or even say a kind word most days. So I ended it. After that I started to pull my life back together. A close friend of mine started to show a romantic interest. I knew she was bi and she knew about me. She listened and supported me. She helped me through difficult times and even dropped the L word. Turns out she only wanted me for my body. This all left me with a bad taste for relationships. At that point I wanted to be alone.
I found a job and moved nearly 800 miles away. I worked hard and played harder. I did things just for myself. I went on a vacation for the first time in my life. I went skydiving and zip lining. I ran obstacle races and went dancing til the clubs shut down. And I did it all without a relationship. I found a sense of peace. I was starting to feel comfortable in my own skin for the first time in my life. Then there was the issue of my sexuality. Only my one brother (also bi as it turns out) knew about me. I was in a position where I could maybe explore my feelings and be a happier more open person. That's when I found shy's. Being able to read these forums and discuss topics that relate to so many things in my life was fantastic. It made me feel like I wasn't alone in how I dealt with my feelings. Then I met Rocky...
I was in the chatroom. No different than any other time. Except this night she was there. She was witty and funny and a riot to talk to. I decided to take a peek at her profile and be her friend. I thought she was an absolutely gorgeous and wonderful woman. A delightful soul that I very much enjoyed being around and chatting with. One day she put up a post. She said she felt useless and miserable. I reached out in a pm. I'd stood in those shoes before and I knew it's a dreadful place to be. So we began to talk and we've never stopped. My reaching out blossomed into something incredible. I'd been single for years at this point and I wasn't looking for it but I found love.
My dad's health had taken a turn and work was starting to dry up so I moved back home. That was almost 3 and a half years ago now. Since then my relationship with Rocky has grown. She has met most of my family and we have become engaged. To my family we were "friends" but It was during this past Christmas holiday while she was here that my mom decided to clear the air so to speak. She flat out asked if Rocky's family knew we were in an intimate relationship. It was an awkward discussion to say the least but now it's all out there. Most of my family know and are just fine with it. My one brother and dad are homophobic. At this point my my brother knows and had a meltdown when my mom accepted me without batting an eye. My dad does not nor do most friends and other family members. Being in such a small town makes it difficult but I prefer my private life to remain just that. Private.
To end this I would like to thank whoever reads all this to get to this point. I know it is long winded. Throughout my journey I have had this safe space to express myself. A place where I don't have to hide who I am and who I love. This site is an amazing source of support and I truely hope that those who are looking for it can find it here as I have.
The DC superhero Wonder Woman will soon be in the media spotlight as her first big screen motion picture opens on June 2nd. The movie, starring Gal Gadot has been a long time in coming as Wonder Woman was created by William Moulton Marston back in 1941. Last year marked the 75th anniversary of her creation and the occasion was celebrated by her being nominated as a ceremonial ambassador to the UN, a decision which was quickly overturned after a vigorous protest was organized by UN staff who objected to a fictional female superhero (created to be a role model for girls), being granted honorary status.
Lynda Carter and Gal Gadot (past and present actresses to portray Wonder Woman)
Wonder Woman was indeed a champion for the rights of women when she created by Marston and his inspiration came from the suffragettes and the first wave of feminism in 19th and early 20th century. One particular source was the literary work of feminist Charlotte Perkins Gilman (1860-1935) who was a lecturer, writer and champion of autonomy for women.
Her most known work is The Yellow Wallpaper, a short story about a woman who suffers emotional and mental breakdown as a result of a "rest-cure" prescribed by her doctor. The story mirrors Charlotte's experience with postpartum depression after the birth of her daughter when she was was subjected to "rest" which was in fact an emotionally damaging enforced isolation. After recovering Gilman began her life's work of being a champion for the equality of women and the necessity for women to be able to work outside the home.Quote
"The first duty of a human being is to assume the right functional relationship to society - more briefly, to find your real job, and do it."
Gilman also wrote acclaimed non-fiction as well including Women and Economics and The Home: It's Work and Influence which elaborated on the thesis that women remained severely undeveloped when confined to domestic toil within a home.Quote
"To work is not only a right, it is a duty. To work to the full capacity of one's powers is necessary for human development - the full use of one's best faculties - this is the health and happiness for both man and woman."
Charlotte Perkins Gilman
Gilman also wrote a trilogy of feminist utopian novels, and one in particular, Herland (1915) provided a setting that would be used to create the back story for Wonder Woman.
Herland was a speculative work of fiction that explored the possible nature of a society made up of only women and girls. The plot involves a group of 3 male explorers who discover a hidden plateau where a female-only society has been evolving separately from the rest of the world for over a thousand years. The women reproduce through parthogenesis, a type of asexual reproduction that is found in some species of fish, birds, amphibians and reptiles. The men are surprised to discover that Herland is advanced technologically and yet ecologically sustainable and that it's inhabitants are well-educated, healthy and happy. After a prolonged visit the men realize that Herland is a society that is superior to theirs in every possible way.Quote
"The children in this country are the one center and focus of all our thoughts. Every step of our advance is always considered in its effect on them — on the race. You see, we are MOTHERS,” she repeated, as if in that she had said it all." - from Herland
Herland is the inspiration for Wonder Woman's birth place and home - Paradise Island which is inhabited by only women who reproduce asexually. The story of Wonder Woman begins when a man, Steve Trevor is injured in a plane crash near Paradise Island and is rescued and brought back to health. Diana (Wonder Woman) falls in love with Trevor and travels back with him to help save the world from the Axis powers (the main concern in 1941), and other subsequent evils.
William Moulton Marston would have been very familiar with the works of Gilman and other feminists of the time because he was immersed in that world though his association with feminists. His childhood sweetheart and later wife Elizabeth Holloway, a psychologist and attorney, exemplified the liberated woman who achieved success outside of the home. Marston's mistress Olive Byrne was the niece of Margaret Sanger, the radical feminist who championed the birth-control movement in the US and founded the organization that would evolve into Planned Parenthood. Her mother Ethyl Byrne was also a radical feminist who championed for the same causes as her sister Margaret.
Holloway and Byrne contributed to Wonder Woman both inspirationally and creatively; they provided advice and details about plots and dialog and it was Olive's article written for Family Circle in 1940 about Marston's views on the morality of comic books that caught the attention of M.C. Gaines, publisher of Superman. Gaines would go on to hire Marston as a consultant and then as writer for a new female superhero, Wonder Woman. She was conceived to be an inspiration for girls - she would be strong like Superman, but she would combine the use of that strength with wisdom and love. The comic was immediately popular and became one of DC comics most successful during the 1940s.
Marston's work as a Phd Psychologist also informed a belief in the goals of feminism, which he believed were important for improving the world. The quotes below reveal how his ideas closely reflect the feminism of Charlotte Perkins Gilman.Quote
“The truest kindness to any woman is to provide her with an opportunity for self-expression in some constructive field: to work, not at home with cook-stove and scrubbing brush, but outside, independently, in the world of men and affairs.”Quote
“The only hope for civilization is the greater freedom, development and equality of women.”Quote
"Frankly, Wonder Woman is psychological propaganda for the new type of woman who should, I believe, rule the world."
Marston also had quite radical ideas, especially for the time, about women's sexuality. In his book Wonder Woman: Bondage and Feminism in the Marston/Peter [the illustrator] Comics 1941-1948 Noah Berlatsky summarizes Marston's views:Quote
"...he devotes a whole subheading of Emotions of Normal People, titled “Women’s Passion,” to expounding on the commonness, normality, and general pleasantness of lesbian relationships. He starts by asserting that “nearly half of the female love relationships concerning which significant data could be obtained, were accompanied by bodily love stimulation” (Emotions 338). While it’s difficult to parse this statement precisely (is he actually saying that half of all female friendships involve lesbian sex?), it’s clear that female-female attraction is not, for him, a minority identity but is instead a potential available to, and enjoyed by, a very large number of women."
Many people find a lesbian subtext in the early Wonder Women comics and recently DC comics announced that Wonder Woman is canonically bisexual (see blog post Fluid Icons). Lesbianism was also present in Marston's unconventional family life. Byrne, who met Marston while attending university was invited to live with the couple to ostensibly raise their children so that Elizabeth could continue her career without interruption. Their relationship became polyamorous, including sex between the women and Olive would go on to have two children of her own with Marston.
Another woman, Marjorie Wilkes Huntley, was also considered part of the family, although she did not live permanently with the Marstons; when Huntley resided at the home the threesome became a foursome. The complicated Marston relationships were a radical solution for building a family aligned with the goals of feminism - to allow Elizabeth Holloway to fulfill her full potential as a gifted attorney without having to sacrifice having her own children. Olive Byrne fulfilled her great talent and ambition to be an exceptional mother and she with Elizabeth allowed William to fulfill his potential in creating a superhero icon for women's rights that would have a significant and persisting impact on society. There was more, though, to their family structure than vocational goals - there was a deliberate attempt made to fulfill the women's sexual potential, which included having have sex with other women.
Marsten family photograph (1947) - Standing: Byrne Marston, Moulton (Pete) Marston, Olive Byrne Seated: Marjorie Wilkes Huntley, Olive Ann Marston. William Moulton Marston, Donn Marston, Elizabeth Holloway Marston
[Olive's children are Byrne and Donn; Elizabeth's children are Olive Ann and Pete]
After William's premature death in 1947 (he was only 54) DC Comics hired another writer to continue Wonder Women stories but she drifted away from the feminist roots that Marston, Holloway and Byrne had planted and she became an unrecognizable shadow of her former self during the 1950s and 1960s. She was transformed into a figure that conformed to the status quo rather than one that championed for change.
Holloway and Byrne remained together as a couple for the next 33 years until Byrne's death in 1980.
In 1972 Gloria Steinem, who read Wonder Woman comics while growing up, chose her to be on the cover of the premier issue of Ms. Magazine thereby linking the 2nd wave of feminism of the 1970s to the 1st wave of the early 1900s. On Wonder Woman, Steinem is quoted as saying:Quote
"Wonder Woman's family of Amazons on Paradise Island, her band of college girls in America, and her efforts to save individual women are all welcome examples of women working together and caring about each other's welfare. The idea of such cooperation may not seem particularly revolutionary to the male reader. Men are routinely depicted as working well together, but women know how rare and therefore exhilarating the idea of sisterhood really is. Wonder Woman's mother, Queen Hippolyte, offers yet another welcome example to young girls in search of a strong identity. Queen Hippolyte founds nations, wages war to protect Paradise Island, and sends her daughter off to fight the forces of evil in the world... Wonder Woman symbolizes many of the values of the women's culture that feminists are now trying to introduce into the mainstream: strength and self-reliance for women; sisterhood and mutual support among women; peacefulness and esteem for human life; a diminishment both of "masculine" aggression and of the belief that violence is the only way of solving conflicts."
In addition to the upcoming release of Wonder Woman there is a movie scheduled for release later in 2017 titled Professor Marston & the Wonder Women which will detail his unconventional life and the creation of Wonder Woman. It will be interesting to see if the full extent of the domestic and romantic arrangements that Marston, Holloway and Byrne lived with will be depicted in the movie. They were way ahead of their time socially and perhaps their free polyamorous bisexual lifestyle is still too risqué to portray even in our supposedly progressive and tolerant era.
Melody Hour - Louis Icart
Charlotte Perkins Gilman http:// https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Charlotte_Perkins_Gilman
Herland, by Carlotte Perkins Gilmanhttp:// http://www.gutenberg.org/files/32/32-h/32-h.htm [Many of Charlotte's written works are available for free at gutenberg as they are 100 years old, or older] An online version is available at: http://hilobrow.com/2013/07/16/herland-1/
In addition, excellent audiobook versions are availble at youtube https://youtu.be/WJtrW-26NdI and Librivox http:// https://librivox.org/herland-by-charlotte-perkins-gilman/
On the Cliff (1910) - Charles Courtney Curran [1861 - 1942]
The Last Amazon: Wonder Woman returns by Jill Lapore http://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2014/09/22/last-amazon
One less woman in politics: Wonder Woman loses job as UN ambassador https://www.theguardian.com/world/2016/dec/12/wonder-woman-un-ambassador-gender-equality
Production Begins on Angela Robinson’s “Professor Marston and the Wonder Women” https://blog.womenandhollywood.com/production-begins-on-angela-robinsons-professor-marston-and-the-wonder-women-5f791bbcdd3
The Secret History of Wonder Woman by Jill Lapore https://www.amazon.com/Secret-History-Wonder-Woman/dp/0804173400 [This excellent book focuses on the lives of the people who created Wonder Woman and those who influenced them. Highly reccomeded]
The Surprising Origin Story of Wonder Woman by Jill Lepore http://www.smithsonianmag.com/arts-culture/origin-story-wonder-woman-180952710/
Wonder Woman: Bondage and Feminism in the Marston/Peter Comics 1941-1948 by Noah Berlatsky https://www.amazon.com/Wonder-Woman-Bondage-Feminism-1941-1948/dp/0813564182 [Another excellent book that focuses on and analyses the content of the comics themselves]
Wonder Women of History http:// http://womanwondrous.juliamichels.net/wonder-women-of-history/ [Included in every issue of the early Wonder Woman comics was a quite elaborate (for comics) mini-story about a famous and/or important woman from the past. This is a list of each person chosen.
Bound to Blog - The Hooded Utilitarian http://www.hoodedutilitarian.com/2009/04/bound-to-blog-wonder-woman-1/ [This is a blog by Noah Berlatsky in which he blogs an in-depth analysis of every issue of the early Marston/Peter Wonder Woman No.1-28, Recommended if you are a nerd or fascinated by the feminist vision of Marston]
Hi Shybi Family!!!!!!!
I am sure many women have been in enough relationships regardless of sex (hopefully more than one) to be able to decipher when a person's interactions with us means us good or harm. Today, I'd like to talk about we women being jaded (fooled) by politeness. A politeness so complimentary, nice, so disarming..................it sets you up to be betrayed.
I have had been a victim of "politeness," disguised in many forms a few times in my life............by men and women. In terms of men.............it's the general scenarios where you meet some "nice" guy who's good looking, charming, charismatic................saying all the right things to get you. Whether it's to get into your pants or get your hand in marriage...........the guy clearly has an agenda (as you see later in the relationship). After sometime in the relationship you learn this person really isn't nice perhaps. Sometimes you learn the guy is a creep/pervert/sex addict. Sometimes you learn the guy lured you in for nothing more to take his mother' place in being his glorified maid, housekeeper, bed wench. Sometimes you learn the guy simply likes to control people.............you took the bait so you're it. Maybe he has mental health issues. A guy with multiple personalities, maybe he was bipolar or schizophrenic and on his meds when you met him...................polite and kind. He turned into a monster without them. Where oh where did that polite person go you ask yourself many a days. In any event, we end up in bad relationships with men sometimes because of their insincere politeness. Books have been written about men and their shenanigans. But it's the women that I would like to focus on right now.
These same scenarios can take place regardless of sex. Politeness is a form of diplomacy..........easily disguised to ensnare an unsuspecting victim for personal gains.
I have been straight jacked by some women in my life. I've also seen how we can turn our politeness on and off when it suits our needs. I've seen women use politeness to disarm and conduct absolutely stunning acts of betrayal. Like a high school best friend sleeping with my husband and sharing all of my personal secrets with him...............enabling him to come back and use them against me. Friends all throughout high school and she commits the ultimate betrayal. The same thing happened with another really good friend I helped a lot riding her around town in my car, having her at my home, breaking bread with her, even partying with her. She was nice, kind, mild, not the brightest apple in the barrel....................but she was smart enough, cunning enough, polite enough for me to allow her into my small circle to screw my boyfriend and fuck up my otherwise nice relationship. Nice right!
I did all the things I was supposed to be, or so I thought. I was kind to someone that showed kindness. I was polite to people who were polite to me. I shared with people that shared with me...............I thought I had a firm grasp on protecting myself from being betrayed. Stabbed in the back. Pushed from behind by a ride-or-die friend or love. I was wrong. Being jaded by a woman can even be more difficult to get over than a man. We are supposed to have this invisible "sisterhood," regardless of age, sexual orientation, or ethnicity. We know how it feels to be poo poo'd on. We all have the horrible let down stories by friends and loved ones. But as a woman I must admit, being jaded and cut deep by a woman is so much more painful. Because most of us are sensitive, nurturing beings, it's almost inconceivable that a woman you're in love with could:
- Be Abusive (Physically, Emotionally, Sexually)
- Be Deceitful /Deceptive
- Act Selfishly, or
- Use Sex and Kindness as Weapons for Behavior Modification
Yes my friends...............we women can be some ugly critters at times. If you haven't had the experience yet, count it as a blessing. If you have................I hope you have healed and moved on. I say all this to say that as women, we must be careful to not be jaded by politeness or early expressions of love. Sometimes when someone is being overly polite, there are motives to betray us. When people are about to screw you over, they aren't usually mean which would give us a heads up. They are generally nice to you, to get you to drop your guard before they stick you in your ass with a pitchfork. It's a form of manipulation. For women, it's a manipulation we women have been labeled with since the beginning of time.............back to Adam and Eve (for the religious). So ladies..............as you embark on your lady love journeys, be wise. How do you prevent being jaded by a new love or acquaintance (but can apply to anyone in general):
- Self-Awareness (Be Aware): Be aware of conversational moods. One minute you have red flags going off all over the place and hairs standing up on the back of your necks. Pay attention to people and their sudden or renewed interest in you. It's likely not you, it could be what you bring to the table. Over-politeness is often difficult to detect when meeting new people, so go with your gut.
We women can be mean, vindictive, cruel, selfish, manipulative human beings. We can also be kind, beautiful, caring, compassionate, loving, attentive human beings. As we go throughout our lives experimenting, searching and finding love, and when it's not right for us...........letting go, please be go into (and out of) any and all relationships (casual, committed, or otherwise) with a do no harm perspective. Leave the woman (or women) in your lives better than you found them.
Ladies, don't take her kindness for weakness. But the most important take away is to not allow another to disarm you, leaving you open to wounds.
Have a wonderful week!
I've had a very rough few days...
Something I say pretty often. More so these days. When anyone asks "How are you doing?" "How have you been?" "How's life treating you?" It's sometimes answered in the negative, awful, but mostly in a vague "Yeah fine" kinda way in order to avoid anyone probing for more. I don't see my accomplishments, what I've achieved, how far I've come, how much life has changed for the better, all I see is the darkness. Depression has been a cloud looming over my head for as long as I can remember. I often think if it wasn't for the pain him and I would have parted ways a long time ago. But then there's my BPD too, borderline personality disorder. It's often described as the emotional equivalent to third degree burns. Mix them both together, add chronic pain with no relief, and you get me. A train wreck. Maybe a hot mess is a nice way of putting it. But a mess none the same.
Now I'm gonna try and focus on the positive for a moment, otherwise this will become a pity party real quick. The simple things most people go about doing every day, getting out of bed, showering, getting dressed, making something to eat, walking... They're all things I struggle with. If I've done all those things then that day is considered a success, a good day. I say this as I lie on my bed in my PJs, having not eaten because that was too much effort today. But the reason for this is because I was productive the last few days. I went out of my comfort zone and achieved something I never would have thought to ever do. I used my own initiative and progressed forward. So the pain I'm enduring now is partly because I did something good, something worthy of the pain that comes after.
But how do you deal with the pain that's there not because you pushed yourself too hard and achieved something, but because this is something you have to deal with most days, something there isn't a magic pill for, or some form of relief, something that causes your mental health to deteriorate. What do you do when the pain is so intense that you feel like the only way to make it stop is to not be here anymore. That's happened to me many times before. This happened last night in fact. No one else was around and I thought to myself, I just want it to stop, who would care if I wasn't here anyway?
I wasn't alone though, because I had my other half on the other end of the phone desperately trying to make me see the good things I have, how things aren't always gonna be dark, how bad days happen but we have to pull through them. She told me how she'd left her comfort zone and endured things she never thought she would because they positively affected us and our future. She told me how closer we get every day to being together every day. She stayed awake with me til late making me see that I am worth more than I believe I am. That I am loved, and needed, and appreciated. Even if I don't see it. She told me of how I've touched people's lives in amazing positive ways, including hers. That despite my negative upbringing I have worth and purpose.
I reflect back to 2014 today, a particular day in January when I felt so worthless and useless that I made a status here because I hated myself so much, and I needed to vent that anger somewhere. I think about how that status brought into my life the caring wonderful woman above. How my depression and negative feelings brought something positive into my life, and how to this day she continues to be the positive to my negative. So maybe I suffered that day for a reason, maybe I was hurting so bad that it made me reach out in order to find something amazing. Maybe what I'm going through now has a reason, a purpose, maybe it doesn't, but if I don't stick around I'll never find out the answer.
I'm often amazed at how kind people are to me, especially here, with their words and gestures. I find myself wondering why. I'm quite a moody, isolated closed off kind of person, who isn't particularly fond of being social. From my long conversation last night with my lady I've discovered something, that no matter how awful I feel, no matter how much I want to close myself off and be that moody awful person, I'm not. I put on a smile and I throw myself head first into people, I reach out and help, I offer my advice, my time, and this makes me see myself in a more positive light. Then this action is returned to me tenfold. But I've only now just seen it. So maybe being me isn't so bad after all, because it makes me a better person to those around me. It makes me, me.
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So, I've decided to be selfish. I am done always being everything to everyone at home. I am going to start taking time to just be me.
He is going to hate it, he is going to complain, but it is his fault. He always says I need to make time for me, it's my own fault I don't have a life outside the house. He'd be home if I made plans. So I decided to, I asked him to come home so I can go out on Friday. He asked if I could change my plans to another night, because he might be going out with the boys. He goes out every week, I can't remember the last time I got to. So no, I am going out Friday. I'll call the sitter if I have to. After that I may go out one night next week, if not I'll go the week after. I gave up my career to be a SAHM, and so far I've given up my life to it. It's his turn to give a little now, because I'm taking a little of my life back. If that makes a a selfish (insert fav offensive noun here) then so be it.
For once, I am choosing to make myself happy.
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It's the next day since she told me the other night she didn't feel the same.
I can't describe clearly all the range of thoughts, emotions and reactions I have racing through my head and chest.
I know my husband meant well by suggesting I try to have something with her, but I kind of wish I hadn't tried.
Clearly, what I thought and felt was mutual...was actually very one-sided and imaginary.
I'm keeping my distance now, because I'm not sure what I should do. I'm sort of licking my wounds I guess?
I still want to be friends, but I can't help feeling a bit reclusive and cautious.
I think in the end...I still respond to these sort of things like I did 10+ years ago.
I'm not unhappy with her...she has every right to feel how she feels and want what she wants.
It's just something I have to accept and get over.
Hopefully, that will come sooner than later.
Since my last blog post was so serious... here is an homage to my girl... DITA!
Beautiful... smart... sexy... this woman would turn me into a stuttering blathering mess. I don't even need to see her in lingerie... seeing her in a 50's pinup dress drives me over the moon. That smile... those eyes... I could just stare at her all day. And night. And the next day.
Remember those old cartoons where the heart jumps out of the cartoon character's chest and their eyes bug out and you hear "AAAOOOOOOOGAHH!!"
Yeah. Dita. It's something like that.