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It all began back in 2009 when I found this site, I hid it from my hubby for two days. Then confessed all, which forced me to make my first comment on my sexuality - that at the time I was definitely bi curious. After arranging to meet up with some of the more local friends I'd made on here. I went along to my first BiFest in Birmingham, that day after listening to everyone else and being able to freely discuss my thoughts and feelings I realised that yes I was in fact BISEXUAL all along. I started to come out to people who were the very close near and dear, but hubby asked me to be discreet, as he didn't want bitch fit waves started in his family. I respected that, wasn't too happy about it but I understood and went along with it for him, especially as he was open and supportive in every other way.
I became like a teenager again, exploring online dating, discovering bi nights at swingers clubs - great for the more casual itch scratching with no strings and you can lock the men out! Even figured out I'd been harbouring BDSM leanings too, whole new discovery path of joy that has been.
Went on my first two dates ever, with girls I'd met on dating sites. Both separately turned into short term casual involvements. The first a lovely lesbian lady who isn't bifobic, and I'm still friends with even now. The second was a short lived relationship of sorts, still not 100% on what went wrong but it was fun while it lasted. Not to mention a string a casual making up for lost time action here and there, with casual involvements. Every year attending pride and loving that I could be 100% open for one day and not care who knew.
I even came out to my son, who has been hugely supportive from a young age. He sees no issue at all with my sexuality or relationship choices - I'm so lucky.
Then a good year or two of not much, after the short lived serious involvement. A new dating app for girls came along, and I found my current gf. We've been together a year and a half ish now. And so much has changed, hubby eventually told some of his family - which I'm certain lead to his dad feeling comfortable enough to finally out himself too. I still don't dance naked shouting from the roof tops, but I am more myself and don't have to always make excuses anymore - which is way more comfortable for me. And means I can be fairly openly public with my sexuality, my neighbours being the last nosy fuckers who gossip and could do damage being left really.
So that brings me to now. Where I think I'm approaching the edges of splits ville with the gf, more recently I've realised bits of us as a couple are really unhealthy, toxic even. I knew from the start we wouldn't last forever, as I was her first ... but I guess it's a watch this space and see how it goes.
At the end of October the hubby and I will be making our yearly trip to a long time stomping ground. We make the trip at least once a year. This year though I am very excited, as I have lost a bit of weight so I have a bit more options in what I can wear while there and since it will be during Halloween I get to wear a sexier costume too.
The only thing that is making me nervous is an incident that happened last year. We like to go into gentleman clubs(strip clubs) and have a bit of fun watching/talking to the dancers. Well last year my husband was drugged in a club there. We only had one or two small drinks prior to going in. The dancers were not my type so we didn't plan on staying long. My hubby asked for a drink as I sat in front of a stage talking with a dancer. She was trying to distract me by dancing on me and when that didn't work, she lifted my shirt/bra up and bit me on the left breast. Not a sexy bite either. She bit the hell out of me. Needless to say, I got up and told the hubbs we were leaving. When we made it outside he fell to the ground and couldn't get up by himself. Then he felt like he'd been paralyzed. He could barely talk. It took me an hour and a half to carry him (6'4"tall 300lbs) to our hotel that was only a few blocks away. It was scary and horrifying for us both. So that is stuck in my mind as I make our plans for this trip. Like I said, I am really excited to go but it makes me afraid to have even one drink while we're there and I'm worried about going to any strip clubs. This really sucks. :( I enjoy a nice romp with the dancers.
Ok here goes
I met this lady at a festival and we have been friends for two years now. She has also stayed at our home with others. Nothing has ever happened between us apart from the usual banter (Dh saying things like he normally does ) while sitting around the fire. I had just put snapchat on my phone as Ds1 was on it all the time. So I asked if I could add them, loads of banter between us all on a group chat
This time she was down it seemed she was flirting a little bit. We carried on chatting in the group snapchat. I messaged her and we have been chatting about everything, sending silly photos. I even told her about me admitting to my niece that I'm bisexual. I thought she already new, she took it well.
I am working nights from Friday so the night before I stay up till about 3 am then sleep in the day. She has offered to keep me company by phone for as long as she can stay awake.
I am hoping that she would like something to happen between us and be more than friends . I needed to write it down as I don't want to say much to Dh yet. He is so supportive with everything and I will tell him before anything starts but I just need to know from her that she wants me. I hope it will happen but if it doesn't I still have an amazing friend forever.
We had an amazing time at the festival, some nights we stayed up till 5am just talking. One night we got to go back to her tent and spend time alone ;D she made feel amazing. It's been two weeks and talk every day. She is the one for me. I am so happy that she chose me.
I think I managed about two hours sleep every night and a few naps in the afternoon.
Dh is amazing, he is the most supportive man and he has my heart. I love him more than words can say.
Thank you for reading
Today was the day I deleted my tinder. I have had it for a month or so now and decided to delete it. I have had no luck in my area and the people I did match with couldn't hold a conversation.
Not giving up that hope but it is really hard out there lol thank goodness this site is here so I don't go too crazy
Well ladies what can I say, she's amazing. I have had another wonderful two weeks with netty. She brought her daughter with her again to visit me and my family. It was more than amazing, it was awesome.
You'd think that with her daughter being here we wouldn't have quality time to attend to our physical cravings for each other, but both of us were so pleased that we had more than enough quality time than we thought we'd even get to have. Every time we are able to be alone, it just keeps getting better and better. When you are so in love and have such a great chemistry on all levels, it makes the sex so much more meaningful. For us it is a very passionate time and very intense time of making love. She satisfies me like no one ever has, and I had a very good sex life with both of my ex husbands. Lesbian sex has no comparison at all. We could've kept going our last night together, but we had to be up early so I could get her to the airport on time. This time I had to drive over two hours to get her there.
The things she does to me there are really no words to describe only the feeling of being taken to another planet where time and space disappears and only pure pleasure is experienced. We had many wonderful encounters and I just love giving her pleasure as well. There's nothing more satisfying than being able to bring her to multiple orgasms that are intense and ongoing, and there's nothing more satisfying than also being brought to that same place by her.
As I'm writing this the weather has been bad and she was not able to take off so when it looked like she'd finally be able to take off, the plane was brought back off the runway because they had to fix something that had mechanically gone wrong, which in and of itself is a scary thought. She's still sitting on the plane as I write this and I'm back home waiting to hear from her. They may get her to her connection flight but she won't be flying out on that one tonight. Her daughter is hungry and very upset because there's no proper food on the plane. I sure hope they can at least fly out tonight and get to her connection flight airport so they can get something decent to eat. I wish I were there on that plane with her right now to hold her and to comfort her daughter.
I feel like this trip we gelled more as a family and I got to know her daughter better. We had quite a few new adventures and hope to be able to do some of the same things next summer. I also hope that my daughter and I can fly out to see her next summer as well.
If I can somehow manage to raise the funds to book a flight over for her birthday in October, I'll get to see her, but if not it will be another long and painful 8 months of waiting. Parting is getting harder and harder because we both just want to get our lives started together. When she's here we get a taste of what that feels like and that's what makes it so hard on both of us.
I have not yet shed my tears yet, but I'm sure they will come when I least expect them to. Coming home to my house after her being here for two weeks is always hard because I've gotten used to her being here and now she's not here and I will be sleeping in my bed alone tonight thinking of the night before when we had such a passionate time of making love. She's left a few things here so when I see them it reminds me of her and that she was here with me.
I wish she could've stayed longer but it's hard on her daughter because she misses her daddy and her animals. I can't wait for that day when I will fly out to go and live with her in less than two years time. My daughter is a Junior in high school this year and when she graduates high school next year, I will be making my journey over there to be with her and start our home together. We hope that we can get married next summer when I go over there to visit her, then we can finally call each other wife. It's harder on her than on me because she craves my touch and to touch me and we both love making out with each other and I miss that.
Long distance relationships are not easy, but when you have that special person, it's worth it in the long run if you know you're going to eventually be together forever. I'm thankful for skype but skype sex just isn't the same. I'd much rather have her hands on me than my own and I know she feels the same way. It's harder for her to do it than me but because she loves me, she settles for what we can get because she knows that it pleases me. I don't like it but we do what we have to do to stay connected and at least we're able to do that.
Neither one of us like having to satisfy our own selves through skype sessions but we don't really have any other options until I can be with her. I love her so much and I'm very sad as I write this because I miss her so damn much. My kids do too and my middle daughter was hugging her last night asking her not to go, knowing that she has to go because she has a job and her daughter and her animals. I'm moving to be with her because her daughter is too young to move over here so it will be easier for me to go over there. I can't wait until the next time I get to hold her in my arms and snuggle with her in bed and just be in her company.
Until next time........
This post is going to be far different and more ugly than my last post.
I let some friends of mine know how I'm struggling right now. These are online friends, I still haven't had the guts to let people who see in person how hard I'm struggling. How hard it is to keep going. A part of me wants to hide it from them. Another part doesn't want them to think I want attention. But mainly, I don't want them to worry about me, they have enough to worry about and me not adding more stress for them.
Today I got hit hard again. Right now I should be freaking out, but it's like I don't give a fuck what happens. I want to give up, to lie down and stop trying. I want to just end it all. However, I can't do it. I can't leave my sister who just had her baby. The thought of hurting her kills me. The thought of hurting my mom, my other sister and my niece is unbearable. Plus I was raised as a Christian, so the thought of going to Hell, makes me afraid. I'm trying to pull myself up from this hole I've put myself in. It's hard, very hard. I signed up on a depression forum. I still haven't posted anything on there.
Maybe this blog post is just me trying to reach out. Maybe I'm not actually as much done as I think I am. I'm scared at the fact that I'm not freaking out right now like I should be. I'm scared of this emptiness that is inside of me. I'm just scared...
It's the weirdest thing, but I don't cry when I'm sober.
Like...at all. Even when loved ones die. At least not genuinely.
I recognize that crying is a normal expression of emotion, but fuck if I'm subconsciously willing to do it without a few good slugs in me.
I just spent two hours with my eyes leaking. I don't know why I felt the compulsion to do it, but for whatever reason, I drank myself to a point where tears could flow freely. Now the head hurts a little, but the soul feels a little lighter.
There's nothing to talk about. No grand declaration of sorrow or stress.
I woke up feeling anxious. Worked all day with a feeling of anxiety. Came home, had several drinks, cried my eyes out at made up sob scenarios in my mind. Now I feel better.
Am I gonna talk it out with someone? Fuck no. Keep a stiff upper lip, soldier on, and never let them see you cry. Just cuz it's normal and natural, doesn't mean you have to shed that stone cold reputation.
Life sucks, Silo. Get right the fuck over it, and make it better, even if it kills you.
I have decided enough is enough.
If I'm not happy with myself or how my life is going, I need to stop moping about it and I need to change it.
I bought some new clothes today that aren't normally my style. Recently dyed my hair blonde and tonight I cut it and gave myself bangs, which I never do. I've been wearing make up more and damn, I just feel so much better about myself.
I'm a happier person dolling myself up, even if it's just for work or just for a few errands.
I feel so much better about myself, I have this new flood of confidence. I just feel so so good and it was such a little change.
The last few years have been a little tough to navigate through. With an empty nest to contemplate I knew that things had to change. Little did I know where those changes would lead.
The first changes I made were to begin to enjoy the relationship between myself and my DH more. Now we have more time to spend together i enjoyed every second of getting to know him a little more each day. I learned to be comfortable with just the two of us doing activities.
I still see a family with young children and pine for the days that I was just starting out with my family but it is a more comfortable place now than 2 years ago when I felt as though my right arm had been yanked off.
I went back to University to study my masters degree and only have 2 weeks of teaching left and then a dissertation and I will have a masters degree. Where I found the motivation to keep going I'm not really sure as it has been a hard year.
I feel now more at peace with my sexuality than I ever have. Lots of talking and thinking and overthinking and crying trying to make peace with myself has lead me to where I am now. I will say that every single tear and thought and discussion was absolutely worth it and I am happy. I am no longer pretending or trying to hide away desires from even myself. I am what I am and what I am needs no excuses - I finally understand the poignancy of these words!!
Do I have challenges - absolutely! Do I have things I need to work on - Yes. However I can see the path and journey needed now it is no longer crowded with clutter.
To top all this off I am moving in about 3 weeks to the other side of the country. A new job and a new life. New adventures.....I no longer feel I need to take over the world.....I just need to take over control of my world rather than just reacting to situations. I am now changing situations and am excited about everything the future has in store.
There is one lady in particular that I need to thank for her support every step of the way. She is the most patient, amazing, beautiful and inspirational woman I have known. She knows who she is although I'm not sure if she will see this. She has been there every step of the way with me through the journey over the last few years and she means more to me than she can possibly ever know.
Forgive my sudden intrusion. Re-entry is what this is. I joined many years in the past and have rolled, tumbled and endured gushing wounds along this path to self-acceptance. I wanted... perhaps, even, needed that bright, shiny label. I was so eager to uncap the pink, purple and blue marker and spell my name on a white, fat sticker that I could fix above my heart: bisexual, here!
I have learned that it's not so simple. I remember when I joined and I look back on the confusion, the fear, the titillation, the joy in finding others like me. I remember leaning over and looking down straight into the depths of my own uncertainty and wondering if it would be right to jump. And I did. I fell through darkness and light. Happiness and misery. I fell again, and again and again and again. And when I landed, and spat shattered teeth into my palm, I swore it was over for me. I swore that I would never venture outside of the neat little fence I set up for myself around this hut of isolation. It's too much trouble, I said, My heart can't take it. And yet...
Sometimes I miss the connection. I miss having a reason to check my phone early... when the birds first chatter their sweet songs, accompanying the slow birth of the morning sun. I miss inside jokes, texted in the late afternoon. I miss pictures of self, taken for one, and one alone. I miss sending something that, when opened, would bloom a brilliant smile across a sweet face. I miss being wanted, desired. I miss the anticipation of heart-bursting ecstasy, signified by a lopsided red circle on a kitchen calendar. I miss sifting through a pile of sappy nicknames. I miss pinning the ultimate love song to her lapel and smiling, feeling my heart beat hard enough to vibrate my chest whenever I would hear it. I miss remembering every wonderful, stupid little detail about her. Like her favorite brand of perfume. Or the first time she heard her favorite band live. I miss breathing out warm passion and hearing it echoed back, in perfect sync. I miss all that, and more. Damn it. Sometimes, in small and large ways... I really want a girlfriend again.
I have been meaning to write a new blog for a while and update things a bit haha My life has changed in so many ways since I first found this site and most of it for the better. The most obvious reason being I found a girl and fell in love. I suppose I should start at the beginning.
I am from a very small rural community that is conservative to the core. Not settling down and having babies is just not how things are done here. Struggling with feeling attractions to girls wasn't the norm.
See I was rejected for years. Never got asked out. Never got hit on. Finally dated a few guys after high school and it wasn't much. It was then I met my first gf. I was so starved for affection and attention that it didn't matter what hell she put me through because it was better than the alternative. This went on for a couple years until something terrible happened to me (I do not wish to add details). It cost me my job/career, what social circle I had and nearly took my sanity. I was immediately put on antidepressants and a mild sedative. With what I'd experienced the doctors thought it best to protect me from myself that way. About 6 months later I made the choice to stop it. I was shell of myself and I hated it. For me feeling nothing at all was worse than feeling bad. Throughout this time my gf stayed with me but her behavior didn't change. It was only at that point I realized that it was a toxic relationship. That I was only hurting myself by holding onto someone like her. Someone who wanted to use me for money and stability but couldn't be bothered to be faithful or even say a kind word most days. So I ended it. After that I started to pull my life back together. A close friend of mine started to show a romantic interest. I knew she was bi and she knew about me. She listened and supported me. She helped me through difficult times and even dropped the L word. Turns out she only wanted me for my body. This all left me with a bad taste for relationships. At that point I wanted to be alone.
I found a job and moved nearly 800 miles away. I worked hard and played harder. I did things just for myself. I went on a vacation for the first time in my life. I went skydiving and zip lining. I ran obstacle races and went dancing til the clubs shut down. And I did it all without a relationship. I found a sense of peace. I was starting to feel comfortable in my own skin for the first time in my life. Then there was the issue of my sexuality. Only my one brother (also bi as it turns out) knew about me. I was in a position where I could maybe explore my feelings and be a happier more open person. That's when I found shy's. Being able to read these forums and discuss topics that relate to so many things in my life was fantastic. It made me feel like I wasn't alone in how I dealt with my feelings. Then I met Rocky...
I was in the chatroom. No different than any other time. Except this night she was there. She was witty and funny and a riot to talk to. I decided to take a peek at her profile and be her friend. I thought she was an absolutely gorgeous and wonderful woman. A delightful soul that I very much enjoyed being around and chatting with. One day she put up a post. She said she felt useless and miserable. I reached out in a pm. I'd stood in those shoes before and I knew it's a dreadful place to be. So we began to talk and we've never stopped. My reaching out blossomed into something incredible. I'd been single for years at this point and I wasn't looking for it but I found love.
My dad's health had taken a turn and work was starting to dry up so I moved back home. That was almost 3 and a half years ago now. Since then my relationship with Rocky has grown. She has met most of my family and we have become engaged. To my family we were "friends" but It was during this past Christmas holiday while she was here that my mom decided to clear the air so to speak. She flat out asked if Rocky's family knew we were in an intimate relationship. It was an awkward discussion to say the least but now it's all out there. Most of my family know and are just fine with it. My one brother and dad are homophobic. At this point my my brother knows and had a meltdown when my mom accepted me without batting an eye. My dad does not nor do most friends and other family members. Being in such a small town makes it difficult but I prefer my private life to remain just that. Private.
To end this I would like to thank whoever reads all this to get to this point. I know it is long winded. Throughout my journey I have had this safe space to express myself. A place where I don't have to hide who I am and who I love. This site is an amazing source of support and I truely hope that those who are looking for it can find it here as I have.
The DC superhero Wonder Woman will soon be in the media spotlight as her first big screen motion picture opens on June 2nd. The movie, starring Gal Gadot has been a long time in coming as Wonder Woman was created by William Moulton Marston back in 1941. Last year marked the 75th anniversary of her creation and the occasion was celebrated by her being nominated as a ceremonial ambassador to the UN, a decision which was quickly overturned after a vigorous protest was organized by UN staff who objected to a fictional female superhero (created to be a role model for girls), being granted honorary status.
Lynda Carter and Gal Gadot (past and present actresses to portray Wonder Woman)
Wonder Woman was indeed a champion for the rights of women when she created by Marston and his inspiration came from the suffragettes and the first wave of feminism in 19th and early 20th century. One particular source was the literary work of feminist Charlotte Perkins Gilman (1860-1935) who was a lecturer, writer and champion of autonomy for women.
Her most known work is The Yellow Wallpaper, a short story about a woman who suffers emotional and mental breakdown as a result of a "rest-cure" prescribed by her doctor. The story mirrors Charlotte's experience with postpartum depression after the birth of her daughter when she was was subjected to "rest" which was in fact an emotionally damaging enforced isolation. After recovering Gilman began her life's work of being a champion for the equality of women and the necessity for women to be able to work outside the home.Quote
"The first duty of a human being is to assume the right functional relationship to society - more briefly, to find your real job, and do it."
Gilman also wrote acclaimed non-fiction as well including Women and Economics and The Home: It's Work and Influence which elaborated on the thesis that women remained severely undeveloped when confined to domestic toil within a home.Quote
"To work is not only a right, it is a duty. To work to the full capacity of one's powers is necessary for human development - the full use of one's best faculties - this is the health and happiness for both man and woman."
Charlotte Perkins Gilman
Gilman also wrote a trilogy of feminist utopian novels, and one in particular, Herland (1915) provided a setting that would be used to create the back story for Wonder Woman.
Herland was a speculative work of fiction that explored the possible nature of a society made up of only women and girls. The plot involves a group of 3 male explorers who discover a hidden plateau where a female-only society has been evolving separately from the rest of the world for over a thousand years. The women reproduce through parthogenesis, a type of asexual reproduction that is found in some species of fish, birds, amphibians and reptiles. The men are surprised to discover that Herland is advanced technologically and yet ecologically sustainable and that it's inhabitants are well-educated, healthy and happy. After a prolonged visit the men realize that Herland is a society that is superior to theirs in every possible way.Quote
"The children in this country are the one center and focus of all our thoughts. Every step of our advance is always considered in its effect on them — on the race. You see, we are MOTHERS,” she repeated, as if in that she had said it all." - from Herland
Herland is the inspiration for Wonder Woman's birth place and home - Paradise Island which is inhabited by only women who reproduce asexually. The story of Wonder Woman begins when a man, Steve Trevor is injured in a plane crash near Paradise Island and is rescued and brought back to health. Diana (Wonder Woman) falls in love with Trevor and travels back with him to help save the world from the Axis powers (the main concern in 1941), and other subsequent evils.
William Moulton Marston would have been very familiar with the works of Gilman and other feminists of the time because he was immersed in that world though his association with feminists. His childhood sweetheart and later wife Elizabeth Holloway, a psychologist and attorney, exemplified the liberated woman who achieved success outside of the home. Marston's mistress Olive Byrne was the niece of Margaret Sanger, the radical feminist who championed the birth-control movement in the US and founded the organization that would evolve into Planned Parenthood. Her mother Ethyl Byrne was also a radical feminist who championed for the same causes as her sister Margaret.
Holloway and Byrne contributed to Wonder Woman both inspirationally and creatively; they provided advice and details about plots and dialog and it was Olive's article written for Family Circle in 1940 about Marston's views on the morality of comic books that caught the attention of M.C. Gaines, publisher of Superman. Gaines would go on to hire Marston as a consultant and then as writer for a new female superhero, Wonder Woman. She was conceived to be an inspiration for girls - she would be strong like Superman, but she would combine the use of that strength with wisdom and love. The comic was immediately popular and became one of DC comics most successful during the 1940s.
Marston's work as a Phd Psychologist also informed a belief in the goals of feminism, which he believed were important for improving the world. The quotes below reveal how his ideas closely reflect the feminism of Charlotte Perkins Gilman.Quote
“The truest kindness to any woman is to provide her with an opportunity for self-expression in some constructive field: to work, not at home with cook-stove and scrubbing brush, but outside, independently, in the world of men and affairs.”Quote
“The only hope for civilization is the greater freedom, development and equality of women.”Quote
"Frankly, Wonder Woman is psychological propaganda for the new type of woman who should, I believe, rule the world."
Marston also had quite radical ideas, especially for the time, about women's sexuality. In his book Wonder Woman: Bondage and Feminism in the Marston/Peter [the illustrator] Comics 1941-1948 Noah Berlatsky summarizes Marston's views:Quote
"...he devotes a whole subheading of Emotions of Normal People, titled “Women’s Passion,” to expounding on the commonness, normality, and general pleasantness of lesbian relationships. He starts by asserting that “nearly half of the female love relationships concerning which significant data could be obtained, were accompanied by bodily love stimulation” (Emotions 338). While it’s difficult to parse this statement precisely (is he actually saying that half of all female friendships involve lesbian sex?), it’s clear that female-female attraction is not, for him, a minority identity but is instead a potential available to, and enjoyed by, a very large number of women."
Many people find a lesbian subtext in the early Wonder Women comics and recently DC comics announced that Wonder Woman is canonically bisexual (see blog post Fluid Icons). Lesbianism was also present in Marston's unconventional family life. Byrne, who met Marston while attending university was invited to live with the couple to ostensibly raise their children so that Elizabeth could continue her career without interruption. Their relationship became polyamorous, including sex between the women and Olive would go on to have two children of her own with Marston.
Another woman, Marjorie Wilkes Huntley, was also considered part of the family, although she did not live permanently with the Marstons; when Huntley resided at the home the threesome became a foursome. The complicated Marston relationships were a radical solution for building a family aligned with the goals of feminism - to allow Elizabeth Holloway to fulfill her full potential as a gifted attorney without having to sacrifice having her own children. Olive Byrne fulfilled her great talent and ambition to be an exceptional mother and she with Elizabeth allowed William to fulfill his potential in creating a superhero icon for women's rights that would have a significant and persisting impact on society. There was more, though, to their family structure than vocational goals - there was a deliberate attempt made to fulfill the women's sexual potential, which included having have sex with other women.
Marsten family photograph (1947) - Standing: Byrne Marston, Moulton (Pete) Marston, Olive Byrne Seated: Marjorie Wilkes Huntley, Olive Ann Marston. William Moulton Marston, Donn Marston, Elizabeth Holloway Marston
[Olive's children are Byrne and Donn; Elizabeth's children are Olive Ann and Pete]
After William's premature death in 1947 (he was only 54) DC Comics hired another writer to continue Wonder Women stories but she drifted away from the feminist roots that Marston, Holloway and Byrne had planted and she became an unrecognizable shadow of her former self during the 1950s and 1960s. She was transformed into a figure that conformed to the status quo rather than one that championed for change.
Holloway and Byrne remained together as a couple for the next 33 years until Byrne's death in 1980.
In 1972 Gloria Steinem, who read Wonder Woman comics while growing up, chose her to be on the cover of the premier issue of Ms. Magazine thereby linking the 2nd wave of feminism of the 1970s to the 1st wave of the early 1900s. On Wonder Woman, Steinem is quoted as saying:Quote
"Wonder Woman's family of Amazons on Paradise Island, her band of college girls in America, and her efforts to save individual women are all welcome examples of women working together and caring about each other's welfare. The idea of such cooperation may not seem particularly revolutionary to the male reader. Men are routinely depicted as working well together, but women know how rare and therefore exhilarating the idea of sisterhood really is. Wonder Woman's mother, Queen Hippolyte, offers yet another welcome example to young girls in search of a strong identity. Queen Hippolyte founds nations, wages war to protect Paradise Island, and sends her daughter off to fight the forces of evil in the world... Wonder Woman symbolizes many of the values of the women's culture that feminists are now trying to introduce into the mainstream: strength and self-reliance for women; sisterhood and mutual support among women; peacefulness and esteem for human life; a diminishment both of "masculine" aggression and of the belief that violence is the only way of solving conflicts."
In addition to the upcoming release of Wonder Woman there is a movie scheduled for release later in 2017 titled Professor Marston & the Wonder Women which will detail his unconventional life and the creation of Wonder Woman. It will be interesting to see if the full extent of the domestic and romantic arrangements that Marston, Holloway and Byrne lived with will be depicted in the movie. They were way ahead of their time socially and perhaps their free polyamorous bisexual lifestyle is still too risqué to portray even in our supposedly progressive and tolerant era.
Melody Hour - Louis Icart
Charlotte Perkins Gilman http:// https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Charlotte_Perkins_Gilman
Herland, by Carlotte Perkins Gilmanhttp:// http://www.gutenberg.org/files/32/32-h/32-h.htm [Many of Charlotte's written works are available for free at gutenberg as they are 100 years old, or older] An online version is available at: http://hilobrow.com/2013/07/16/herland-1/
In addition, excellent audiobook versions are availble at youtube https://youtu.be/WJtrW-26NdI and Librivox http:// https://librivox.org/herland-by-charlotte-perkins-gilman/
On the Cliff (1910) - Charles Courtney Curran [1861 - 1942]
The Last Amazon: Wonder Woman returns by Jill Lapore http://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2014/09/22/last-amazon
One less woman in politics: Wonder Woman loses job as UN ambassador https://www.theguardian.com/world/2016/dec/12/wonder-woman-un-ambassador-gender-equality
Production Begins on Angela Robinson’s “Professor Marston and the Wonder Women” https://blog.womenandhollywood.com/production-begins-on-angela-robinsons-professor-marston-and-the-wonder-women-5f791bbcdd3
The Secret History of Wonder Woman by Jill Lapore https://www.amazon.com/Secret-History-Wonder-Woman/dp/0804173400 [This excellent book focuses on the lives of the people who created Wonder Woman and those who influenced them. Highly reccomeded]
The Surprising Origin Story of Wonder Woman by Jill Lepore http://www.smithsonianmag.com/arts-culture/origin-story-wonder-woman-180952710/
Wonder Woman: Bondage and Feminism in the Marston/Peter Comics 1941-1948 by Noah Berlatsky https://www.amazon.com/Wonder-Woman-Bondage-Feminism-1941-1948/dp/0813564182 [Another excellent book that focuses on and analyses the content of the comics themselves]
Wonder Women of History http:// http://womanwondrous.juliamichels.net/wonder-women-of-history/ [Included in every issue of the early Wonder Woman comics was a quite elaborate (for comics) mini-story about a famous and/or important woman from the past. This is a list of each person chosen.
Bound to Blog - The Hooded Utilitarian http://www.hoodedutilitarian.com/2009/04/bound-to-blog-wonder-woman-1/ [This is a blog by Noah Berlatsky in which he blogs an in-depth analysis of every issue of the early Marston/Peter Wonder Woman No.1-28, Recommended if you are a nerd or fascinated by the feminist vision of Marston]
Hi Shybi Family!!!!!!!
I am sure many women have been in enough relationships regardless of sex (hopefully more than one) to be able to decipher when a person's interactions with us means us good or harm. Today, I'd like to talk about we women being jaded (fooled) by politeness. A politeness so complimentary, nice, so disarming..................it sets you up to be betrayed.
I have had been a victim of "politeness," disguised in many forms a few times in my life............by men and women. In terms of men.............it's the general scenarios where you meet some "nice" guy who's good looking, charming, charismatic................saying all the right things to get you. Whether it's to get into your pants or get your hand in marriage...........the guy clearly has an agenda (as you see later in the relationship). After sometime in the relationship you learn this person really isn't nice perhaps. Sometimes you learn the guy is a creep/pervert/sex addict. Sometimes you learn the guy lured you in for nothing more to take his mother' place in being his glorified maid, housekeeper, bed wench. Sometimes you learn the guy simply likes to control people.............you took the bait so you're it. Maybe he has mental health issues. A guy with multiple personalities, maybe he was bipolar or schizophrenic and on his meds when you met him...................polite and kind. He turned into a monster without them. Where oh where did that polite person go you ask yourself many a days. In any event, we end up in bad relationships with men sometimes because of their insincere politeness. Books have been written about men and their shenanigans. But it's the women that I would like to focus on right now.
These same scenarios can take place regardless of sex. Politeness is a form of diplomacy..........easily disguised to ensnare an unsuspecting victim for personal gains.
I have been straight jacked by some women in my life. I've also seen how we can turn our politeness on and off when it suits our needs. I've seen women use politeness to disarm and conduct absolutely stunning acts of betrayal. Like a high school best friend sleeping with my husband and sharing all of my personal secrets with him...............enabling him to come back and use them against me. Friends all throughout high school and she commits the ultimate betrayal. The same thing happened with another really good friend I helped a lot riding her around town in my car, having her at my home, breaking bread with her, even partying with her. She was nice, kind, mild, not the brightest apple in the barrel....................but she was smart enough, cunning enough, polite enough for me to allow her into my small circle to screw my boyfriend and fuck up my otherwise nice relationship. Nice right!
I did all the things I was supposed to be, or so I thought. I was kind to someone that showed kindness. I was polite to people who were polite to me. I shared with people that shared with me...............I thought I had a firm grasp on protecting myself from being betrayed. Stabbed in the back. Pushed from behind by a ride-or-die friend or love. I was wrong. Being jaded by a woman can even be more difficult to get over than a man. We are supposed to have this invisible "sisterhood," regardless of age, sexual orientation, or ethnicity. We know how it feels to be poo poo'd on. We all have the horrible let down stories by friends and loved ones. But as a woman I must admit, being jaded and cut deep by a woman is so much more painful. Because most of us are sensitive, nurturing beings, it's almost inconceivable that a woman you're in love with could:
- Be Abusive (Physically, Emotionally, Sexually)
- Be Deceitful /Deceptive
- Act Selfishly, or
- Use Sex and Kindness as Weapons for Behavior Modification
Yes my friends...............we women can be some ugly critters at times. If you haven't had the experience yet, count it as a blessing. If you have................I hope you have healed and moved on. I say all this to say that as women, we must be careful to not be jaded by politeness or early expressions of love. Sometimes when someone is being overly polite, there are motives to betray us. When people are about to screw you over, they aren't usually mean which would give us a heads up. They are generally nice to you, to get you to drop your guard before they stick you in your ass with a pitchfork. It's a form of manipulation. For women, it's a manipulation we women have been labeled with since the beginning of time.............back to Adam and Eve (for the religious). So ladies..............as you embark on your lady love journeys, be wise. How do you prevent being jaded by a new love or acquaintance (but can apply to anyone in general):
- Self-Awareness (Be Aware): Be aware of conversational moods. One minute you have red flags going off all over the place and hairs standing up on the back of your necks. Pay attention to people and their sudden or renewed interest in you. It's likely not you, it could be what you bring to the table. Over-politeness is often difficult to detect when meeting new people, so go with your gut.
We women can be mean, vindictive, cruel, selfish, manipulative human beings. We can also be kind, beautiful, caring, compassionate, loving, attentive human beings. As we go throughout our lives experimenting, searching and finding love, and when it's not right for us...........letting go, please be go into (and out of) any and all relationships (casual, committed, or otherwise) with a do no harm perspective. Leave the woman (or women) in your lives better than you found them.
Ladies, don't take her kindness for weakness. But the most important take away is to not allow another to disarm you, leaving you open to wounds.
Have a wonderful week!
I've had a very rough few days...
Something I say pretty often. More so these days. When anyone asks "How are you doing?" "How have you been?" "How's life treating you?" It's sometimes answered in the negative, awful, but mostly in a vague "Yeah fine" kinda way in order to avoid anyone probing for more. I don't see my accomplishments, what I've achieved, how far I've come, how much life has changed for the better, all I see is the darkness. Depression has been a cloud looming over my head for as long as I can remember. I often think if it wasn't for the pain him and I would have parted ways a long time ago. But then there's my BPD too, borderline personality disorder. It's often described as the emotional equivalent to third degree burns. Mix them both together, add chronic pain with no relief, and you get me. A train wreck. Maybe a hot mess is a nice way of putting it. But a mess none the same.
Now I'm gonna try and focus on the positive for a moment, otherwise this will become a pity party real quick. The simple things most people go about doing every day, getting out of bed, showering, getting dressed, making something to eat, walking... They're all things I struggle with. If I've done all those things then that day is considered a success, a good day. I say this as I lie on my bed in my PJs, having not eaten because that was too much effort today. But the reason for this is because I was productive the last few days. I went out of my comfort zone and achieved something I never would have thought to ever do. I used my own initiative and progressed forward. So the pain I'm enduring now is partly because I did something good, something worthy of the pain that comes after.
But how do you deal with the pain that's there not because you pushed yourself too hard and achieved something, but because this is something you have to deal with most days, something there isn't a magic pill for, or some form of relief, something that causes your mental health to deteriorate. What do you do when the pain is so intense that you feel like the only way to make it stop is to not be here anymore. That's happened to me many times before. This happened last night in fact. No one else was around and I thought to myself, I just want it to stop, who would care if I wasn't here anyway?
I wasn't alone though, because I had my other half on the other end of the phone desperately trying to make me see the good things I have, how things aren't always gonna be dark, how bad days happen but we have to pull through them. She told me how she'd left her comfort zone and endured things she never thought she would because they positively affected us and our future. She told me how closer we get every day to being together every day. She stayed awake with me til late making me see that I am worth more than I believe I am. That I am loved, and needed, and appreciated. Even if I don't see it. She told me of how I've touched people's lives in amazing positive ways, including hers. That despite my negative upbringing I have worth and purpose.
I reflect back to 2014 today, a particular day in January when I felt so worthless and useless that I made a status here because I hated myself so much, and I needed to vent that anger somewhere. I think about how that status brought into my life the caring wonderful woman above. How my depression and negative feelings brought something positive into my life, and how to this day she continues to be the positive to my negative. So maybe I suffered that day for a reason, maybe I was hurting so bad that it made me reach out in order to find something amazing. Maybe what I'm going through now has a reason, a purpose, maybe it doesn't, but if I don't stick around I'll never find out the answer.
I'm often amazed at how kind people are to me, especially here, with their words and gestures. I find myself wondering why. I'm quite a moody, isolated closed off kind of person, who isn't particularly fond of being social. From my long conversation last night with my lady I've discovered something, that no matter how awful I feel, no matter how much I want to close myself off and be that moody awful person, I'm not. I put on a smile and I throw myself head first into people, I reach out and help, I offer my advice, my time, and this makes me see myself in a more positive light. Then this action is returned to me tenfold. But I've only now just seen it. So maybe being me isn't so bad after all, because it makes me a better person to those around me. It makes me, me.
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So, I've decided to be selfish. I am done always being everything to everyone at home. I am going to start taking time to just be me.
He is going to hate it, he is going to complain, but it is his fault. He always says I need to make time for me, it's my own fault I don't have a life outside the house. He'd be home if I made plans. So I decided to, I asked him to come home so I can go out on Friday. He asked if I could change my plans to another night, because he might be going out with the boys. He goes out every week, I can't remember the last time I got to. So no, I am going out Friday. I'll call the sitter if I have to. After that I may go out one night next week, if not I'll go the week after. I gave up my career to be a SAHM, and so far I've given up my life to it. It's his turn to give a little now, because I'm taking a little of my life back. If that makes a a selfish (insert fav offensive noun here) then so be it.
For once, I am choosing to make myself happy.
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It's the next day since she told me the other night she didn't feel the same.
I can't describe clearly all the range of thoughts, emotions and reactions I have racing through my head and chest.
I know my husband meant well by suggesting I try to have something with her, but I kind of wish I hadn't tried.
Clearly, what I thought and felt was mutual...was actually very one-sided and imaginary.
I'm keeping my distance now, because I'm not sure what I should do. I'm sort of licking my wounds I guess?
I still want to be friends, but I can't help feeling a bit reclusive and cautious.
I think in the end...I still respond to these sort of things like I did 10+ years ago.
I'm not unhappy with her...she has every right to feel how she feels and want what she wants.
It's just something I have to accept and get over.
Hopefully, that will come sooner than later.
Since my last blog post was so serious... here is an homage to my girl... DITA!
Beautiful... smart... sexy... this woman would turn me into a stuttering blathering mess. I don't even need to see her in lingerie... seeing her in a 50's pinup dress drives me over the moon. That smile... those eyes... I could just stare at her all day. And night. And the next day.
Remember those old cartoons where the heart jumps out of the cartoon character's chest and their eyes bug out and you hear "AAAOOOOOOOGAHH!!"
Yeah. Dita. It's something like that.
I finally made it to 50 posts. Figured I should start one of these things.
I don't really know what to write about, I'm sitting here half awake at work. Finished all my daily tasks and etc already. Just waiting for my supervisor to get here to tell me what else is on the agenda to do today.
Hmm. I suppose I'm on here to make friends and connect with people in similar situations to me. I'm in a limbo where I CAN actively look for a woman, but it's not something I'm racing for. If that makes sense. I like to take my time with things. I don't like to rush into things anymore.
A few years ago, I did try to rush things. I was excited to finally get out there and dip my toes into the water, so to speak. But, as with anything, I ran into things that kind scared me off. I met a very attractive woman online. I was pretty excited she was into me. Then she dropped the bomb she was cheating-basically, which I've mentioned before in some of my posts, isn't my thing to get involved in. I also ran into a few women messaging me, which ended up becoming a bait and switch type thing. Suddenly, it was for a threesome, instead of just me and said woman. Unicorn hunters. Which, is something my fiancé and I would be interested in, but bait and switch is so shady and gross. But, we're not looking for that at all at this point in time. He told me that music could be his other girlfriend if I find a girlfriend. Haha. For us it's one of those things that would be cool to come our way, but we live pretty busy lives at the moment.
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On my way home from work, I walked by a tiny bird that was just sitting, soaking wet, on someone's driveway. When I walked up to it, it was clearly awake, but didn't fly away or even move that much besides looking at me and trembling. So I took it home and looked up what to do on the internet.
According to the internet, it had probably flown into a window or something and gotten concussed, but would recover on its own if I leave it somewhere safe, dark, and quiet.
I put it in a Victoria's Secret box, with a towel, and left the lid open a crack for air, and then left the box in a closed room and went to a doctor's appointment. When I came back an hour later, I peeked in on the little guy, taking the lid off BEFORE going outside, which was a huge mistake. He did recover, but now he was freaking out, tweeting swearwords at me, and flying around my living room. By the time I got the back door open, it had gone into hiding somewhere, and I had to move every piece of furniture before I saw it ducking behind the DVD towers.
I got as far as, "There you-" and it bolted for the door.
And flew into the screen window.
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I haven't been on this site for a while, and obviously, this is my first Blog post.
When I first found this place, summer 2016, it was a God-send. I poured my heart out, let the real me out there, and everyone was understanding and wonderful. Strangely, I was welcomed, not what I expecting.
It had taken me a long time to realise my bisexuality, even though it was completely obvious on realisation! For example - I loved Buffy the Vampire Slayer series when I was younger. I’m a colossal nerd, so it’d not surprising! But Buffy or Sarah Michelle Gellar, was my first girl crush. At the time, I thought it was normal. Buffy was hot, killed bad guys and I wanted her to save me and then kiss me!
Yeah. I know now!
I’ve had one lesbian experience and that was with my best friend in Ibiza. It was kind of a bucket list thing for her and the longer the sex went on, the less she was into it. I was though, and I’ve missed the female touch and closeness since.
I have a fiancé and two children now, 6 and 3. I love them all and what could be wrong?
Well. I think you know where this is going?!
All the girl crushes, lesbian fantasies - of which I assumed were normal came to a head. The mass of confusion and agony had all come into the open and like a lightbulb going off in my head I guess! Ahhh. It all made sense. It was a relief, but……terrifying.
Well, I found Shys last summer and many wonderful people and I’m glad to say, a really good friend, whom I’m still friends with now.
In short, my partner has known something was wrong and, after many arguments, I ended up coming out to him. He was relieved I wasn’t having an affair and was kind of supportive at the time. I told him about Shys and he was on board.
That didn’t last long. He’s not a horrible guy, he’s a great dad and partner. His love of football / soccer is for another discussion! But he’s insecure of my sexuality, which I can understand. We’re still together and I love my family, but we argue more these days. I’m going to keep our family together.
At this moment in time, I want a woman more than anything. It’s driving me crazy. I want the softness, tenderness and lovingness that only a woman can give. It’s a fantasy Lol. I don’t want to do anything to hurt my family no matter how fooked up I am.
I’m still in touch with my friend from here, who is my twin sister in another country! She’s amazing and I love her. I’m back to Shys, on her advice and because….I’m lonely and I thought I’d got it under control, but I haven’t. It comes and goes, but the yearning to be with a woman is overtaking my thoughts and it isn’t something I can pursue so I’m pretty insane!
I’m beyond help I’m sure. There is no easy fix for me. But if you’ve got this far? Thank you for your time x
I've been trying my hardest to avoid spending money so that I can put as much money towards my student loans as possible. I'm finally in a position where I can do that, but it isn't easy. About an hour ago, I get into a car accident. Someone two cars ahead of me slammed on their brakes, causing a chain reaction. I was the lucky one who's car decided to slide into the SUV in front of me. The front of my car was smashed. Glass everywhere. The container that housed the antifreeze was destroyed leaking the liquid onto the hot engine, causing the car to smoke. Needless to say, it wasn't a pretty sight, but thankfully no one was hurt.
So now, I have no car. The money that I tried to squeeze out of my paychecks in an attempt to pay a little extra on my loans is now going to go towards a car payment. My insurance is going to go up. I just can't help but wonder why. My commute home is 50 minutes. I was less than 10 minutes away. I was just looking into certifications to help with career advancement. Now, all of that is going on the back burner. I haven't even paid off my debt from the wedding. *sigh* I'm just so frustrated.
Here's a little sample of what I'm working on: (let me know what yah think) (also please ignore grammatical errors, as this is just a rough draft, thanks!)
There are many different types of people: The nurtures, they want to constantly play mother hen to anybody and everybody they meet; The Fighters, they either won’t give up or are the ones that start it all; The Peacekeepers, those people that hate confrontation and always think there is a solution to it all; The Neutrals, it’s neither this nor that with them, everything just is and they go about their business. Then there is my type: The Mastermind. We are the type of people that other people believe to be the little pieces in the game until proven otherwise by, well, us. We have other names: The shifty people, spies, agents of the dark. Really, we are just people that see the end and find the means to get there.
So while I am sitting here in a jail cell, I know in precisely two minutes the Detention Officer, so prideful in his position (obviously somebody new to the justice system with disgustingly high optimism), will walk by my cell and has made the mistake of forgetting to switch the cell keys to his left side, away from the cell doors and handsy prisoners, such as myself.
Three…two…one. Buzzing echoes across the building, notifying us of the Officer is gracing us with his presence. Show time.
“Talbot! Rise and shine!” Officer Edwin taps his baton against the cold metal of the cell door.
“Rather too early for that much cheer, Eddie boy.” I make a show of pulling the pathetic excuse of a blanket closer to my chest, hiding my grabbing the substitute “keys” (a few pennies and metal bits from the yard on a metal ring).
Edwin laughed at my expected response and proceeded to hit the door a few more times until I rose from my bed. Carefully tucked in my sleeve, I leaned against the cell door and grabbed the baton stopping the noise and causing him to step closer to my cell. His elbow made contact with my face, just as I finished the exchange. I fell back onto the concrete floor, holding my nose. This was partly to hide the keys by throwing them into my shirt. Mostly because my nose had started to throb in pain.
“Hasn’t anybody taught you, Talbot?” His laugh carrying a somewhat malicious tone. “You don’t grab at a man’s stick.”
“Yes, heard of that.” I sniffed at the pain, and grinned cockily at him. “But were you not the one knocking at me to rise and shine?”
His best response, to spit and mumble a few choice words of being a sick bastard and quickly moved on. Forty-five minutes later, the second buzz announced his departure from the first ground block. Also, cuing the beginning of my escape.
Allowing myself time to find the right key and using my pillowcase to muffle the sound of metal against metal. Last night’s mashed potatoes did the trick on the door itself and I silently opened then closed metal without a sound. No need to worry about camera’s or alarms, I had disabled them while Edwin made his rounds earlier. It was a stroke of luck that my confinement was located next to the electrical, just needed a few weeks to get behind the wall and cutting a few choice wires. Sadly, that left me with only two hours to get gone before the young man got back to the security desk and saw the problem.
I kept my back flush with the wall as I felt for the loose panel that lead to the area between the walls where the plumbing and electrical ran. My hand hit creating a slight noise, but not enough to disturb my fellow jail mates, taking it off in no time and replacing it once on the other side.
Sprinting along the piping to the broiler room took less than eight minutes. Bravo Talbot, a quick congratulatory before pressing on. Only one hour left.
This was simply child’s play, dressing up into the janitor’s uniform and walking out with the leftover trash which included my previous attire. Nobody spared so much as a glance. I dumped the bag into the dumpster and walked to the parking lot. Amelia waited for me in the seventy-four Ford, clearly it had seen better days. I slipped into the backseat of the truck and hid myself in the piles of work tools and laundry. In no time we cleared the gate check and drove off.
“You sure took your time, Kingsly. Almost just left your sorry ass.”
“Such affection from you this early in the morning.” I wiggled myself out of the hiding spot and sat up. “Careful, I’ll start to think you care.”
An exasperated sigh from her and an eye roll was my reward. The gray hair peppering her red locks was, in my books, an assault to her youthful spirit.
“You took my Xavier’s place in that cell so he could fight for this country.” I could see the bittersweet resolve in her chestnut colored eyes, despite the stonewall expression on her face. “This is the least I can do for that.”
An easy silence settled for the remainder of the ride to the private airstrip. Courtesy of Amelia, a helicopter was to meet us with the hour of our arrival. Lucky for us, it was on time. It was waiting for us, with a rather dashing pilot waiting to take me far, far away- or shall I say, it was going to take me back to my country, my home… back to him.
The truck comes to a stop on the dirt road. Amelia and I both get out and meet at the back of the truck before the dust settles. She drops the tailgate and grabs two duffle bags handing one- from her reaction the heavier of the two- to me, then closes it.
“So, I see you have decided to join me on my flight.” We reach the helicopter and toss our bags in. She turns and tosses her keys to the pilot.
“Good thing I am, I’ll be the pilot today.” She smirks at me, taking hold of the door to pull herself into the cockpit.
I'm home reading an old erotica text and it's gotten me worked up and my cunt streaming.
So our girlfriend and husband and I are doing fine, seeing each other regularly. It's not a super deep intellectual connection but we have fun and really enjoy ourselves having good sex, and we have lots of funny jokes we laugh about. Our politics are different but that's not bad. We just don't talk about it much.
This old erotica is quite taboo with some delicious lesbian love. It's naughty. I love it.
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I know this post wont be relevant to most of you, being that I am in OZ and it is summer time here while you are all rugged up for a white christmas and new years.
I always struggle with my longings for women in summer. So many short skirts, dresses, shorts, tight clothes, braless breasts in summer dresses. I hate that it makes me sound like such a pervert that I notice these things, but alas I can not change that I am very much attracted to the female form. Right now in my life there is nowhere to place these longings. While we do continue our search for a girlfriend, there are so few women actually interested in dating a couple.
We have started visiting strip clubs, not to pick up women, but as a way for me to express and experience my sexuality outside of a girlfriend. I do enjoy these visits, and the women there do a convincing job of flirting with me although I know they get paid to do this. Lol While I enjoy it, I am not sure if it helps or hinders me in calming my longing down.
I am trying not to blame myself for the lack of interest from women, not to take the consistent rejection personally and harm myself with it, so this seems as good a space as any to at least express that I don't understand and I wish women were attracted to me the way I am to them. I have tried very hard to stop my addiction to crushing on straight women, but as summer approaches I once again find myself lusting over them and longing for physical intimacies with my friends as they bare their skin.
I struggle so much with this longing. I read somewhere that grief is just love with no place to go. Well that sums up how I feel so accurately. I have this love, affection and desire for women with nowhere to put it. Sometimes I feel I would give my life to feel the soft swell of a woman's breasts in my hands, to taste the sweetness of her lips, run my fingers through her hair, feel her fingers intertwined with mine, or just gaze into her eyes.
On the one hand I will probably never give up the hope that this could be a reality for me, and will continue to chase my dreams. On the other hand I wonder if I would be happier if I gave up. Maybe it is the hope that crushes me, you know? Crushes. Lol Such an accurate term,
Interestingly I would have said I am much happier this year than I was last year, despite the fact that last year I was thinner and we did infact have a girlfriend. I suppose I must be feeling lonely. If I felt I had a best friend I could talk to about this I would be talking to her right now. Unfortunately while I have friends, I don't feel closely connected to any of them right now. Which bares the question -- is it a girl friend or a best friend I seek?
Maybe it is an impossible fantasy, but what I seek is for one person to be both things.
Anyway, the point of this post is just to express my frustration that I am surrounded by the things that I want and can not have. It seems so cruel and unfair. Added to that I don't feel I have anywhere to express this grief I feel without people labelling me as greedy because I already have so much happiness in my life. Alternatively people are fast to point out that it is my couple status that holds me back. I don't know how pointing out the obvious is supposed to make me feel better. I just want someone to hug me and tell me they understand that my heart hurts because I can't find the things that I long for. I want someone to tell me they understand why summer is triggering for me and how hard it is. I want someone, a female someone, to love me back. I don't think that is so hard to understand. I want to enjoy my sexuality not feel trapped and isolated by it.
Tell me someone here understands? Please? Sigh.