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  • GypsyButterfly

    A Note Just For You

    By GypsyButterfly

    If I don't phone, text or email you, please know you're still in my mind & heart. Which is why I can't contact you. It would hurt too much. It might lessen in time, but, I don't know if it will ever completely go away. If you reach out to me (which I hope that you will), I may not answer or get back with you. Believe me, I want to, more than anything. I'm keeping all of the messages. Even if they seem to be deleted, I saved them elsewhere. Right now, I don't have my phone on much & I'm not checking my email. The phone would probably be the best place,though, when you want to get a hold of me.

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    There is a woman that I have loved nearly all my life. She was my best friend. We grew up together, but in time we grew apart.

    She was always so perfect. Gorgeous, smart, funny, athletic, artistic, nearly perfect. Her biggest flaw has always been her self-doubt. I remember going bathing suit shopping with her. Everyone looked incredible on her, and yet in her eyes her thighs were too big, her body not quite ideal. I loved her fiercely, I would have done anything for her.


    As we grew and matured, I felt her reluctance to be around me. She seemed to struggle with my budding sexuality. I dated plenty of boys, she never did. She never tried. Every time a boy worked up the courage to ask her out, she was always shocked that someone would be interested in her that way. She was never interested in them.


    I grew up, and I held on. I always called her first, I always made our plans. I always pushed her to step out of her shell, to get out into the world. I think she hated that, but she always answered, she always showed up.


    When I got married, she signed my marriage certificate as a witness. When I had my first baby she took a bus for seventeen hours so she could be one of the first to hold them. She was my best friend, and yet, I felt I didn't really know her. There was this part of her that she kept locked up, kept to herself. She hid herself from me, and that broke my heart.


    I remember talking to her about our childhood and confessing that I had always looked up at her, was always jealous of her. Her perfect family. Her gorgeous body. Her skills and talents. She was shocked. She told me that she has always been jealous of me. My charisma, my ability to easily make friends, my strength in being myself. I learned a big lesson that day, and finally look her off her pedestal.


    I came out as bi. Not to everyone, just to myself and my husband. I wrote a blog post about it on my website, and found some support from other queer people. I found myself thinking about her. Truth be told, I have long since suspected she was gay. At 25 she has never gone on a date with a guy, nor has she ever (to my knowledge) had a crush on one. Growing up we watched Sailor Moon together, and her favourite character was the tall blonde lesbian. My friend is tall and blonde.


    When I asked her if she was gay, or at least maybe a little bit less than 100% straight, she denied it. I doubted her. She has always struggled with internalized homophobia. I've been trying to get her to stop saying things like "That's gay" for years, and yet she won't. She's progressive in every other way, and yet...


    I realize now that I have long since been in love with her. I had a dream a few months ago involving making love with her, and that dream pushed me to go out and find this website. I needed to take the first step in living a life as a bi woman. I had come out, but I wasn't living the life I wanted.


    I wish I didn't still want her. I wish I didn't think about how close we used to be, or how perfect we would be together. It's strange, but my husband is so similar to her. Beyond his body, they are so similar. I often wonder what could have been.


    I wonder if she distanced herself from me because she struggled to see me date men. I wonder if she loved me as deeply and as fiercely as I love her.


    We haven't spoken in many months. I was fed up with her lack of effort. I told her I needed a real friend, someone who would show up, make the call, respond to my emails. She never responded. I miss her so much.


    She still lives at home, with her conservative parents who I doubt would be supportive of a lesbian daughter. She was taught that her role is to get married and raise children. Travel, adventure, gay clubs, these things are off limits for her. She is too afraid to venture into the world. She is too afraid to be her true self, and I'm left wondering what her true self looks like. She used to be so fun, so carefree and wild. Somewhere along the way she learned that she needed to tone it down, to slouch, to speak softly, to avoid doing anything that would draw attention to herself.


    I miss her so much, but I'm afraid to open up that old wound. Maybe I just need to learn to get over her. Maybe she isn't gay. Maybe she will never admit to being gay. Maybe she is already on Shybi, or sites like it, exploring her identity in a safe way. Where are you? Do you miss me?


    I wish I would stop dreaming of her. I wish I could just move on. I wish I had never fallen in love with my (possibly straight) best friend.

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    I feel safe to write down here.

    I feel all over the place at the moment, yule/Christmas did not feel like it was, I went upstairs to collect mum and dads presents and everyone continued to open all of theirs so I miss my kids face when they opened all the best bits, yes there were photos taken. we were also meant to have a family photo so I dressed up with make up (does not happen often), yes I put a cardy on but I could of taken it off. photo never happened.

    I suddenly don't want to go out any more, I could be out at a motorbike get together tonight but the thought of it just makes want to cry and I do not know why this happening. It's not just this time I have been asked to go out but I seem to find a way out of it. I don't think my dh realises it's starting to become an issue. I can be in a room full of people chatting to me but I would prefer the quite. Thinking back this has been like this for about two years now, Even if I am with Dh or my best friends.

    My kids and husband are my life.

    I am not enjoying things like I did, even work is a hard slog some days and I love being A Nursing Assistant you meet so many different people and real characters.

  1. mysticprose
    Latest Entry

    Ok... It has been a long time since I posted on here. Mostly due to being in grad school, but also trying to find myself. It has been a long arduous process, but I'm finally coming to terms with who I am.


    While being married, I have lost a sense of the "me" that I had back in college. Don't get me wrong, I never was a confident person, but I at least had an idea of the hobbies I enjoyed and what I liked on TV... all of that little detail. Well, fast forward a few years and you find me in a controlling marriage, where there are no compromises. I have had to be the dutiful wife and try to be a cheerleader for my husband in his life, when he has no real direction. Since we've been married, I have basically been the sole provider as well as expected to cook, clean, do laundry,... I don't mind doing any of that, but I would like to have some help.


    Five years of this has led to depression and anxiety, with migraines added into the mix as well. 2016 was the year of finding my assertiveness and to finally start standing up for my beliefs and needs. I started horseback riding in June, which has lessened my anxiety levels. I felt like I went through a mid life crisis back in September/October, because I bought a horse, told my husband it was over, and applied for a new librarian position (which I started the day before Thanksgiving).


    All I can say is I hope 2017 continues in the path of growth, but presents less challenges and changes than this year. A girl can only take so much! :asciidity:

  2. Last week, I ran into a woman I've had a crush on for a good 3+ years. At the time, I was a nursing student, and she was a medical resident at the hospital where I was doing clinicals. I was married at the time, and in a triad relationship, but this woman and I had chemistry, and we would flirt harmlessly. I knew nothing would come of it, and I was honest with my husband and girlfriend about everything.


    When I left my marriage, she and I got matched on OKCupid, and she sent me a message trying to place my face. Once she realized who I was, she fell silent, and I didn't push it. I figured maybe once more time passed after leaving, I would reach out to her.


    So last week, I was taking my son to dinner, and she was there when we walked in the door. She was the first to greet me, and we chatted for a second about what we were doing professionally (she is no longer in the hospital, but I now work at that same hospital). She was on her way to a meeting, so we kept it brief, but I sent her a message on FB saying to send me a friend request if she wanted (her settings wouldn't let me send her one), and she promptly responded and sent a request. I waited until this past Monday to send a message to see if she wanted to have lunch or dinner sometime soon. She responded that she would love to, but as friends, as she just started seeing someone, and it became more serious over the weekend. I'm kicking myself for hesitating!! But oh well.


    So now my dilemma is that I want to see her and hang out with her, and kinda gauge the chemistry between us after all this time. Maybe it's gone, and that would make things really easy and straightforward. Or it's there, and I have to be honest with her that being around her while she's attached would be hard. I want to be respectful of where she is right now, but also be clear that if she becomes single again, I would like to take her out.


    I'm by no means waiting on her, but she is someone that I could see getting serious with if we ever go there. I have the feeling that she will become single just as things get serious for me with someone new, because that's how the cosmos work.


    I guess I'm just working through all this in my head, and trying to sort out the delicate balance of being respectful of where she is and of her GF, and being clear about where I stand. She's a pretty down-to-earth woman, intelligent, kind and honest. I'm sure she's going to be pretty honest with this woman about who I am and my interest in her, if we do hang out.


    Part of me really hopes the chemistry isn't there anymore, and I gain a good new friend. The other part of me hopes it's still electric and she becomes single sooner than later. I suppose time will tell.

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    So November has always been a busy month for me because of born day celebrations including my own! I was also super busy with work and my 2 yr old. Anyway, I've realized when I have no idle time on my hands, my desires for women romantically fade into the backgrounds of my life! Has this or does this happen to you? Or am I the only one?


    Problem is, that's the last thing I want my desires to do. I don't want them to be suppressed any longer. However, with all that's happening right now it's the easiest thing for me to do! Can I change this? How do I do this?


    2017, is officially my year of true undevided happiness which includes my romantic quest with a woman physically and emotionally! How do I make this a priority even if it starts to take a background seat?

  3. Cute&Curious
    Latest Entry

    I've been on Shy's for about two months now, I've gotten some much needed support and understanding, but also some great advice from some very insightful ladies. I've even gained a few friendships, all which I appreciate more than you know. Throughout all of this I've been able to get a fresh perspective, a positive turning point in my life.


    Over the last number of years I've been feeling depressed, not understanding why, I needed to somehow validate why I was feeling so down, there must be something wrong with me. I've pegged myself with just about every mental illness in the book but nothing seemed to fit perfectly. A couple of days ago I had a session with a psychiatrist who suggested that rather than having a medical condition, perhaps I've been experiencing several contributing factors leading to depressive symptoms. Some of these factors are beyond my control, however some of these negatives can definitely be turned into positives. I'm the only one who can do that. I can't change the way my husband feels about me exploring my sexuality, but maybe I can take steps to strengthen our bond and improve our relationship. I can't change the shame and guilt I feel from past experiences, but maybe counselling can help me work through those issues and give me a brighter outlook on the future. I have chronic back pain due to an injury that is out of my control, however I am out of shape, and by taking steps to get fit and healthy I have confidence that I can feel better physically, mentally and emotionally. I have poor self confidence and insecurities, mainly about my body image, this can be improved with hard work and determination.


    I recently received some valuable advice from a woman here who's younger than me but wise beyond her years. She pointed out that I was weighing much of my happiness on the ability to explore my bisexual side, she was right, I've been putting all of my eggs in the one basket. Bisexuality is just a part of who am, it doesn't define me, it's not my sole purpose in life. I've been happy in the past, before ever acknowledging this part of me and I needed to stop and think what else makes me happy, what other aspects of my life can I improve to feel better. My craving for a woman is surely about more than my sexuality, I realize what lies underneath this really has more to do with my dissatisfaction with my current relationship. I've been putting too much emphasis on the negative in my life, but honestly I have it pretty good, I have a wonderful husband who loves me sometimes more than I deserve and is an excellent father to our two beautiful, healthy children. He works hard to provide for us and goes above and beyond so that I am able to stay at home with the kids. I have two wonderful parents who are there for me and my family in every way possible. I have been fortunate to live a life filled with love while also enjoying some of the material things that some can not or have no such interest. I have many positives in my life but have chosen to focus on the negative. She said to me "the more we focus on the negative, the more negative comes. The more we focus on the positives in our lives, the more positive we get". The truth is, my empty feeling is about more than my yearning for a woman, and it's time I take some of my eggs and place then elsewhere. I'm not giving up all hope of ever exploring my bisexual side, and it certainly doesn't change the way I feel about my sexuality, but I need to first focus on ME and what I can do to like myself again. For me, right now, that's to improve my relationship with my husband and improve my self image be getting fit and healthy. Because in actual fact neither is in a state right now that could withstand sexual exploration. She quoted the lyric from the Rolling Stones, that really rings true in this case "You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need". I told you she was wise, what's wiser than The Rolling Stones lol


    So that's where I am, today anyway, but with my ever changing moods, there's no guarantee that I'll stay that way for long lol. The minute I find myself having another "gay day" I'm sure it will all fall to shit, I might have to keep myself out of the forums to avoid the insane jealousy I feel for you ladies that have got it all together lol. Seriously, hats off to all you ladies who have achieved the balance and contentment that I haven't even begun to figure out.


    Cheers to the beginning of my brand new journey of self discovery......

    starting with step 1...get active and eat healthier

  4. The train ride home was beautiful. I was sat looking out of the train window onto the most beautiful deep orange sky as the sun slowly slipped down lower, down behind the trees . It was the end to a most beautiful day. The very last day of October 2016.


    It felt like summer today, warm and balmy, it was still feeling just like summer. It was almost too nice to have stayed indoors all day, but indoors we stayed....and there was nowhere else we'd rather have been.


    To share a bed picnic and a plastic cup or two of fizz was just perfect on so many levels ....Checking into that 'day' room today with our bag full of edible treats was more exciting than tea at the Ritz somehow..... opening that door to our room on the twelfth floor had us just bursting for every moment that was about to stretch out before us.....


    It had been so long since we'd been here in this Ibis hotel, it had been so long as we haven't really needed it recently. I've had my own place, somewhere for us to be together, or I've been able to come to you Tess. So we haven't really needed that day room recently, such is the way our lives have been lived.

    But our LDR is not always easy, the longing and the missing of each other is, on occasions fraught with emotion and frustration ..... but omg it is also the most beautiful thing ever and I think we both know that one day we will look back upon this time we are sharing and smile as to how well we have coped. We will smile at how we both, in turn, held each other up when one was low or how we both soared at every single moment we were gratefully able to spend together.... And our day room in Reading with a bed picnic fit for a queen was just the perfect tonic for today.... omg and how perfect was it baby?....




    So Tess to feel you wrap your arms around me like you do, to feel our legs entwine and to feel the soft pillowy cushions of our breasts as we press our naked bodies into each other feels just like heaven. And then to spend the day wrapped in each other's arms after sharing the most perfect lovemaking is all it takes to have us both drift off into deepest, dreamiest sleep ever.


    (Sometimes we don't realise just how tired we are. Sometimes we function on the outside like we are on autopilot when really on the inside our body needs and craves a day to lose ourselves in each other and into a day of slumber. Today was one of those days, today we both really needed those hours just to wrap ourselves into each other and melt away into the land of our shared love).


    I think we should call it 'Our Slumber Day'.


    And today, after our lovemaking we slept in each other's arms, a much needed daytime sleep. And I think we both dreamt of distant places, of faraway shores and soft warm places that had us both feel secure and with a calmness that enveloped us totally. Or did we just dream of nothing....I'm not sure totally but it was just perfect for today. And upon waking from these dreams, wrapped so tightly in each other's arms we both realised just how very tired we really were.)




    So now I'm sat on my train home and darkness has fallen outside and I smile inwardly knowing that those hours we've shared today in the pillowy softness of each other will recharge our hearts and our minds.

    Those Ibis hours will have us both know that what we share still is, as it always has been THE most beautiful things known to man...(or woman)

    A most beautiful love that is felt so deep inside we just know that we have to just keep holding tight, keep being strong and keep looking forward.... for after all a shared love like this has to be worth the steps we are taking. Steps that will one day lead us to where we both very much want to be.... <3 xxxx

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    This is me,


    My name is Melissa and this is my first blog entry. I have had the ability to write them for sometime, but call it nerves, anxiety or a lack of confidence but I could not bring myself to do more than read others posts and wish I had the courage to make my own. Things for me have been in constant flux of late and I think something just clicked tonight as I was doing my usual browse through of posts. Something I have not felt in a very long time. I felt strong. Awake, like I just crawled out of a bad nightmare that has been my life from the time I was 16 until now. I am reaffirming who I am and what I want, but now I just have to figure out how to get it.


    My bio says some things about me, but, it is only the tip of the iceberg. I am so deep in how I feel and who I am that it is hard for me to chose to share any of it anymore. Even when I was with my husband, I felt the need to hold back. Maybe it is because my smart brain knew what kind of an man I was dealing with and was trying to protect me. But, I find it in my nature not to be completely open. The pitfalls of being introverted. Who do you trust? Who do you let in? Will they hurt you? Will they betray your trust? Will they understand you? Will they bring you down? Will they accept you? All things I worry and panic about. They stick with me everyday. There are a lot of myths out there about Introverts, about how we are not confidant or are shy, or don't want companionship. But, it is not true. Not for all of us. Just like with everything, there is a spectrum. I often find myself craving companionship. Someone I can share my deepest thoughts with. Someone who can help build up what has been torn down over the last 18 years. I find myself when the insomnia kicks in, wishing there was someone who would put their arms around me and put my mind to rest with words of encouragement.


    Even harder for me, is of late, the craving is not for male companionship. I find myself staring at women, wanting to steel myself up and talk to them. But, I always fail. I find myself trapped in my head with my worries and the opportunity to even just say, hi, passes away. I don't go out. I don't go to night clubs, bars etc. So the typical way folks usually meet are not avenues I can take. Even if I did, I know I'd be that awkward girl in the corner, with a non-alcoholic drink, wishing I wasn't such a coward. I wish I could verbalize to someone how much I think they are pretty, that I wish I could get to know them better. I wish I could convey to someone how great of a partner I would be if they could just see past the fact I am a single mom, see past mental illness, past the disability, past the broken parts and see that I am Loyal to a fault, devoted, loving, and a hopeless romantic. I am fun. I may not go out drinking, but I love games, all kinds of games from board games to video games. I love going to the movies. We have a drive in so close. I have gone every summer since I was a kid to see movies there, even though it is more expensive. I love to go to mini-golf and to ride the ferry into Seattle. I love to go camping. Nothing to me is more relaxing than just the ones you love and yourself without any of life's distractions. I recently went on a cruise and discovered I absolutely loved it. I want to do it more. It is my dream for when I retire to buy an RV and travel the country. I just hope that I have someone by then to share the experience with.


    I am not sure if that will ever be in the cards for me, but I refuse to give up. I have come along way since I first felt the curiosity of wanting to be close to a woman. I have learned it is more than just a passing curiosity that it is a full blown desire. But another not so much discovery, but reaffirming is that there is an actual name for what I have always known. I have a hard time connecting to people on a superficial level. I need the deep connection. Turns out, as I was learning about my bisexual side, I learned there is a whole community just like on that level too. Demisexual. I had no idea until I started this journey that my feelings had a name. I have to say I was blow away. I thought that something was seriously wrong with me. It was a relief to know I am not alone in any aspect of my life. I think right now that and my kids are the only thoughts that get me through each day as I work to build myself back up.


    So rant, over. Not sure if it makes sense but, that is how my mind went roaming tonight. Talking about myself or my feelings is not normal for me and is difficult. So, we'll see how I feel about this in the morning. It will determine I write more.


    So this is me...

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    Hi everyone!

    I wanted to formally introduce myself to you all. I am Dee a 49 yr old married mother of 2. I have lived in Pa all my life.


    One day I was browsing the net and came across this site and it felt so right that I had to join.


    I have been bi-curious for quite some time probably over 30 years now but I would never admit it to myself. I thought I would be picked apart by people. I do know, firsthand, that my hubby would not be ok with it. He is very conservative and old fashioned. So, therefore,, I have kept my feelings all bottled up.


    I was wondering if anyone else has to do the same????


    It really is not easy fighting these feelings and wanting to give in to them with noone to give in with.


    One night I watching porn with my Hubby and I realized the girl on girl is what was turning me on VERY much. I couldn't contain myself to the point where he had probably gotten the best sex of his life that night.


    Well, since then I watch my porn alone. I read stories of women being passionate and wild with eather and I found it just makes me want to be with a woman even more. I would love to find a married woman in the same situation that would love to share a friendship with the awesome experience of having a sexual relation also. I would never leave my family so I know the woman must feel the same about hers and just want that VERY special friendship and bond.


    Is anyone else in the same situation?


    If so, have you been lucky enough to find her.....


    I am finding such a hard time reading other women to see if they are bi......I guess I do not have that talent.


    I often wonder if a woman like me even exists out there.


    Well thanks for listening....I'd love to hear any feedback or even advise. I am very open minded and love all types of people so any advise from anyone (even if this is not your type of situation) is more than welcome.


    Thanks you so much for letting me get this off my chest.


    Peace and Love

    Dee ♥

  5. My biggest regret,

    It's not opening up,

    It's not being vulnerable,

    It's not feeling desperate,

    It's not attempting suicide,

    It's not sinking into self hatred,

    It's what has followed.

    It's fear of people,

    It's fear of letting anyone in,

    It's fear of being used, of being back stabbed, of being bitched about when I fly across continents when I'm sitting right there,

    It's fear of confidence being stripped from my soul,

    It's fear of losing myself,

    Of letting anyone have that sort of power to be able to hurt me so much,

    That for years I'm not the same person,

    Maybe I'll never be the same,

    I don't see how I can be.

    It's not the words,

    It's not the revelations,

    It's not the shock or the tears or the grief or the sleepless nights,

    It's that I allowed it to change me,

    I allowed it to instil fear in me so strong that I have to see a therapist just to get through,

    That I allowed you to take my strength,

    To twist it and turn it and puncture it,

    Slowly rotting from the inside with every nasty word,

    With every sigh of "you're pathetic" on your breath,

    With every moment that I came to you and you didn't care if I needed you.

    My biggest regret,

    My absolute life changing regret.

    My biggest hell.

    My biggest struggle.

    Is admitting that something is still wrong.

    Admitting that you changed me.

    Admitting that I struggle to find myself,

    I struggle for strength,

    I struggle to be more than auto piloted,

    I struggle to not jump at my own shadow,

    I reject every advance,

    I shrug off rejection because I don't let people close enough to hurt me.

    I still hate.


    For the rest of my life.

    I will regret.

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    My last status said I was going to try to be here more often (back in January!) and now it's October. Oops. Well, there's been a lot going on. In order of importance:

    1. I got a well-paying job back in March!

    2. I moved out of my parents' house and into my own apartment just a few weeks ago (I am so relieved)

    3. I am getting a decent start on paying all of my own bills (even more relief)

    4. I have a boyfriend!

    5. I am back in contact with a high school friend, and hopefully we will remain friends even after she moves to Hawaii

    6. I am researching LGBT groups/businesses in town, and there are a few places that still seem to be active. I'll do my best to go the next meetup!

    There's a lot of stuff I need to think through pertaining to... well, most of this list, but I really feel like I'm pretty on track to being a functional adult! And I really will try to be online more often this time!! :yes:

  6. I love fall nice mild weather the change of the leaves in its on glory of colors brown, Bright oranges, gold, I can were my leather jackets or trench coats, boots. Went to the orchard for apples, cider and doughnuts yum and its so beautiful there this time of year. Being up north as I walk through the woods early in the morning I can hear the sounds of nature and the animals that live in it. I can even hear that old rooster crowing on Mr Robinson's farm, I can hear the water as it flows Down the stream I hear the fish jumping in the stream as well as I look around I can see dears bobbing there heads as the reach for the apple on the ground yes I do love wonders that fall brings. Holloween is another wonder that I like carving pumpkins making jack o lanters and pumpkin pie and pumpkin seeds yum. the kids out in there costumes having fun looking forward to the goodies there going to receive in the bags there parents looking on as they run to the doors getting there goodies there excited to because they know there gona be treats for them to in the bag also so. The spookie movies qnd haunted houses i hope all the ladies shys enjoy the fall and Octobers festive month with friends and family enjoy.:-)

  7. I still haven't been in a relationship since my ex, but I haven't put too much effort into either...I just don't feel like going out to the same places time and time again. I'm bored...and I'm bored with the people there. Its the same routine every time I get the chance to go out. I go out alone and I come home alone. I try talking to people and they always turn out to being exactly what I don't want...I want to move but I don't know where to move to. Then I can't move because I have to take care of other family members because if I don't then no one will. But I'm left to do it alone...but as mean and cruel as it sounds I'm then left taking care of other lives and not living my own. The moment I get my chance at going out I take it but then I'm restricted as where I can go as I need to be close to home.


    But if things go as promised someone else is coming to give me a break and I have no idea what to do with myself...I'm so excited but then there's this crushing reminder that I'm single...I'm really trying not to let that get in the way but its difficult.

  8. I haven't wrote anything in awhile. I just want to write how I'm feeling now, since I have no one to really talk to. I've been feeling pretty lonely and feel like I have nothing going for myself.

    I don't have the energy to do anything else for myself. ive tried many times to look for friends, but they either don't want to hang out or ignore me. and now I'm given up trying, even though I really want a friend, someone to talk too. I feel so self conscious of myself, I guess that's why ive given up trying to look for friends.


    I'm going to be a lonely cat lady.....

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    I kissed a girl and I liked it.

    The taste of her juicy, red lips.


    I kissed a girl 'cause I wanted to.

    I know that nobody minds it.


    It felt so right,

    Yeah, oh so right!

    She doesn't want to be more than friends, though.


    But I kissed a girl and I liked it..


    No, I loved it!

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    Today I learned you cannot trust your heart to keep quiet. When it is broken and trampled you cannot stop it from feeling the pain it is in or the stop it from screaming the loudest FUCK YOU it can muster. You cannot tell it to stop the words it wants to say even though your head is telling it to shut up! Bite your tongue! I learned today you cannot trust your heart.


    Today I have been cool and collected through a very difficult time in my life. I took the shit storm that was given to me and I have tried to handle it with pride and maturity. Even when I broke down and sobbed into the pillow so little people in my home did not hear, I stayed strong. I stayed cool and collected.


    Today I have held my breath and clutched my hands together to stop shaking. I have held my stomach and chest together with those same clutched hands to hold myself together until I was ready to stand on my own sturdy feet and not crumble to the ground. I have held my breath and clutched my hands together to stop shaking.


    Today I learned I cannot trust my heart to keep quiet. When the shit storm formed in the sky over my head I spoke what I felt. I let the pride slip away, the sobs over take me, the clutched hands of mine unfurl and let my heart speak the truth. It was not a truth some wanted to hear. It was not a truth I was ready to let my mind hear, though my heart knew it had to yell it as loud as it could.


    Today I learned I cannot trust my heart to keep quiet…

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    Recent Entries

    Latest Entry

    So right now I am feeling more inclined towards a heterosexual relationship. This, despite a recent possible bi connection. There may be an age issue here, in that I am much older now, and also a longing for companionship. Things in common can bring people together so much. Sometimes its uncanny how much you can have in common with a person when both older. The passing of time and many experiences can bring a wealth of wisdom and maturity. A longing for peace in the Autumn of my life. To gently go through the seasons with laughter and quality of life and what good health and time is remaining. Being in similar financial positions is a sensible consideration and a plus and just being able to relax together.


    Wondering if I am just being lazy and would drift into something cos it is easy? Have to be careful here. The possible bi connection was fraught with anxiety and tension, and, from me at least, uncertainty, coming as it has almost out of the blue and so so late in my life. I mean, why now?.Jeez, 30 years ago I woulda jumped on her! Ha ha. Not now. Been there, seen it, done it. Reluctant to return. Afraid of the hurt. I need calm, and time to contemplate.


    Maybe I would just like a male primary partner again, there is, for me, a sense of being protected in this, something I was used to for a long time. Like the main life was the home and finances sorted and anything else was an extra. I haven't felt like being with just a woman for a long time now. There is also the issue of 'what is love?'. Different things to different people, different feelings at different ages. Different needs that need to be met at different stages in our lives. Growing old is not easy. Its great to still be here among the land of the living but age brings with it many challenges.


    Much to ponder in my life at the moment. Nice to have shy's to acknowledge my past and possible future. Thanks Ladies for being here. x

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    Recent Entries

    Latest Entry

    I hadn't thought about her for a long time. In fact, I thought that I finally got her out of my head. And then I had a dream about her. I dreamt that I was out grabbing lunch somewhere, and for some reason I ran into her mom. Her mom was excited to see me, and invited me to sit with her, saying that her daughter would be there soon. As if I didn't know who her daughter was. She introduced us. "Do you guys know each other?" Of course I knew her. How could I not? I played it off nonchalantly, "Yeah, we've met before." She had brought her new girlfriend with her. They kissed. And while I was devastated, I was also happy. Happy that she was no longer denying the fact that she liked women, and was being true to herself. While we were sitting there eating lunch, her mom was beaming from ear to ear, happy to see her daughter so happy. And in one of those moments, I was looking at her and thought "She's going to be my wife." The same thought has flashed through my mind with friends who ended up marrying their then boyfriends or girlfriends. My intuition isn't wrong about those things. I really wish I hadn't had that dream, because now I can't stop thinking about her again. I actually wish that I had never met her in the first place. But at the same time, a small, irrational, and hopelessly romantic piece of me hopes that my dream will come true.

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    Recent Entries

    Latest Entry

    It's been awhile since I have logged on. Time flies, when you are having fun....right? A lot of things have changed around here. We've had our second, and third threesome now. (All three, with the same partner) I don't know if I would say we are in a relationship, completely, but we are having fun.


    She and I have played a few times alone together too, but I think she is still apprehensive. I wish that the awkwardness would go away, so we can all just enjoy this time in our life.


    So when do you decide that what you have, isn't enough? When do you decide, that your needs aren't being met or that you aren't satisfied.


    I don't want anyone to get hurt. But this is real for me. I am bi. And I want a friend with benefits. To share with my husband, and enjoy alone time with too.


    I suppose I want my cake.....and it eat it too.


    Does this make me selfish?

  9. 44 Odd Things You Don't Know About Me

    [ Odd? These don't seem odd at all. ]


    1. Do you like blue cheese?

    My guy loves it. I'm mainly on the other side of the fence.


    2. Have you ever smoked?

    Nowadays this could be one of a few things.

    But yeah.


    3. Do you own a gun?

    Nope, but I'm no longer against the idea of it.


    4. What is your favorite flavor?

    Does hamburger count because...


    5. Do you get nervous before Doctor visits?

    For sure


    6. What do you think of hot dogs?


    ^^ Pretty much my sentiment nowadays *chuckles*


    7. Favorite Movie?

    Forever, the way we were

    I favor many others. A few are: The Secret Life of Walter Mitty, Serendipity, Girl Most Likely, Something New



    8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning?

    Water, Sometimes Coffee


    9. Do you do push ups?



    10. What’s your favorite piece of jewelry?

    I don't really wear jewelry much.

    However, I definitely am a ring lover.

    My favorite would be my engagement ring and a ring my mom gave me years ago.


    11. Favorite hobby?

    Reading, Watching my shows


    12. Do you have A.D.D.?



    13. What’s the one thing you dislike about yourself?

    I can't help it, but I dislike that I'm both shy and have anxiety.

    I don't know where one starts and the other begins.


    14. What is your middle name?

    [insert name here]


    15. Name three thoughts at this moment...

    I was deciding on what song I'd listen to next

    Focused on this

    and whether I want to have a cup of tea


    16. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink




    I'm not sure that coffee can be counted anymore as what I drink regularly.

    New for me is drinking tea sometimes. Coffee is more of a sometimes thing too now for me.




    17. Current worry?

    I know I could worry right now about this and that but no thanks.

    Moving on.


    18. Current annoyance right now!

    None of the above.


    19. Favorite place to be!

    Sometimes by myself

    Sometimes with my love

    Sometimes hanging with my dad and sis

    Sometimes being with great friends

    Dunkin Donuts


    Coffee shops


    20. How do you ring in the new year?

    It has become a tradition to go to the boardwalk with my love.


    21. Where would you like to go?

    In the states I'd like to visit every single one, but for starters New York, California. Plus Washington state and Arizona once again.

    Outside the country: Korea, India, France, England


    22. Name three people who will complete this?



    23. Do you own slippers?

    Not right now

    I just walk about in the Crocs


    24. What color shirt are you wearing right now?



    25. Do you like sleeping on satin sheets?



    26. Can you whistle?

    Yeah but not like my dad

    He could call us home from down the block with that whistle of his

    Just thinking about that makes me smile


    27. What are your favorite colors?

    No favorite


    28. Would you be a pirate?

    No thanks

    I can't even stand pirate Halloween costumes


    29. What songs do you sing in the shower?

    I don't sing in the shower


    30. Favorite girls name?

    Not sure


    31. Favorite boys name?

    Not sure on this either


    32. What’s in your pocket right now?



    33. Last thing that made you laugh?

    Playing around with my love


    34. Best toy as a child?

    Good question, but I can't even think of what I liked best


    35. Worst injury you ever had?

    When I was very small and had to have my forehead stitched up. I don't remember, but it was definitely an awful moment for my mom.

    One that's very recent is my ankle momentarily dislocating. I'm so relieved , even now, that it went back in place.


    36. Where would you love to live?

    I've thought about Tyler and San Antonio quite often.

    Somewhere where the weather is better ... even out of state. Though I'd prefer to stay in Texas.


    37. How many TV’s do you have?

    Personally I have 1, but there's 1 more in my home.


    38. Who is your loudest friend?

    I think most of my friends have always been loud.

    It's just the kind of people I've attracted and been attracted to naturally.


    39. How many dogs do you have?



    40. Does someone trust you?

    I already can think of the few that definitely do.


    41. What book are you reading at the moment?

    Any Bitter thing

    I can't seem to be able to get through it, so I may stop and give it away.


    42. What's your favorite candy?

    I'd have to say that dark chocolate


    43. What's your favorite sports team?

    I don't watch sports or even do any

    But I would be into getting into tennis and badminton

    I always enjoyed that before


    44. What's your favorite month?

    The coolest months of the year

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    She makes me so warm

    The temperature rises

    When she enters the room

    She captures my gaze

    Like a magnetic force

    Turning my head

    I want her to look at me

    With the same desire

    I know she's capable of

    My heart races

    For no reason

    Other than her presence

    She's like a walking lifesource

    That I'm no longer

    Granted access to

    My whole body aches

    Knowing she's within reach

    But remains untouchable

    The thought makes me lethargic

    So I crawl into bed

    Thinking of only her

    Waiting for a sign, a signal

    That will never be sent

  10. Ms.G
    Latest Entry

    july 3 to be exact. i met my heroine again, it was awkward for some reasons. i have a feeling she even ignores me. we come to the party for hours, i’m always in her line of sight but she never comes and says hi. while others look around to catch my partner in crime, and they ask where the hell i’m hiding. funny we’re always together together at every social event, but we’re not together. lol

    i did say hi to her eventually. i was pretending i finally saw her under the dimmed light, she acted surprised and we hugged. she then introduced me to her bf. we know him already, but we all hate him, anyways. lol. we think he’s the reason she never attends our group gatherings on Weds and pretty much scoop her out of all social life. they sit next to one another but the chairs are so far, you can fit 2/3 of another chair in between them. it’s weird.


    her sister, first thing after finish squeezing and all that, introduced me to her best friend, who traveled a big distance to attend this party. and i’m smitten at first sight. i have a thing for single moms, or women with kids. i don't know why, i just do. maybe because i love kids. and she is a hot blonde with 2 beautiful sons. they’re sitting near heroine. though the atmosphere was too awkward, i had to walk away without making any further conversations.

    my friend leads the way and it’s like, “this is my best friend, M, she’s from *tada* and she knows everything about you, G”. i was gonna start joking like “ooh, so so you know everything about me huh? everything? inside out?”

    but i keep the thoughts to myself and poke my hand out for a handshake instead. she looked down at my hand for wee seconds then decided to grab me and gave me a long, tight hug. the moment i got home, i searched for her on my social media then bookmark it and go straight to bed. lol. i blamed the alcohol.

    when i add her the next day, 1 second later i got her acceptance. freak me out when people do that. gosh. when i left the party, M initiated to give me another big, long hug. she feels nice and natural. but oh well all women feel nice. lol. i mean it’s feel right to hold her in my arms for a hug. too bad she’s taken. it’s hard to tell which parent her handsome sons got the good genetics from.

    C, M’s best friend, referred to the event that one boy literally comes to me, takes my hand and walks me around town. everybody surrounded start to laugh so hard, whip their phone out to record videos. i must have spoken kid language or something. lol. while the other little one gets all shy, covers her face when she sees me. d’awwww it’s so dang cute i'm telling you. make me wanna have a kid like now ;x sigh. gotta find a wifey first though.


    we promised another friend to go to her son’s for a gathering with other families and kids. we were there for the good 2 hours and something. we tried to lay low. our friends at the main party where we suppose to be, are like where we at. incoming is a text message from a strange number, followed by boob pictures. that got everyone attention. lol. the 3 of us study them pictures intensely and guess who are the owners. then come a semi closeup pussy pic. clean shaven and pretty at that. apparently they give us a hard time to guess. but i got the pussy pic right even though i’ve never seen hers before. lol. the other guy got the boob pic correctly by a wild guess. i just tell them we need to get going and figure for ourselves since we weren’t 100% sure. we were invited at 3 and we didn't get there until 9 ish.

    we’re on our way to the main party to watch the beautiful and professional fireworks for over 20 mins. there were 4 guys on the other side of the lake to do the fireworks. a friend used to own the fireworks booth so he got lots of discounts and tons of experiences. it was a very nice moment.

    i had to initiate the pussy talk subtly to figure out whose those goodies i saw earlier. lol. i'm quite surprised at the "final results" but i think them girls are just drunk. because i barely see them after then. one of them is so wasted, we have to walk her to a decent area so she can puke. lol.


    there are kids, teenagers so we try to be discreet as we adults can. long story short, everyone is buzzed, or half drunk, we got to a private small room with mostly close friends. more like all perverts. lol. there’s the watermelon jello which stick to the watermelon for some reason and god it’s so gooood but quite strong. i tried to stay away but my luck is bad. i have one big piece from the bottom as a final courtesy for not showing my goodies. that is equal to 5 big shots, the maker said. plus, it’s on the bottom, it tastes like pure vodka with some drops of watermelon ;/ i literally shoo the piece into the host's mouth when he barges in. lol.

    the girls have to show their boobs if they want some jello. some guys want to show their nuts too but alas no one wants to see that. lol. everyone is down to their swimwear basically. because we have a big water slide outside.

    i was laughing so hard, i backed up against the wall to figure that i accidentally turned off the light. oops. the room has no windows and is as black as it can be. everyone is screaming excitedly and god know who is touching whom. lol. when i turn the lights back on, they want to turn them off one more time to finish the grabbing business. i wish i saw this girl’s boobs so bad. dang it. she’s beautiful. she's also a good friend of my good friend. so why not?

    but the moment she saw me entering the room, she literally slid back outside. my back luck again or what? every time like that i swear. i think she hated me or something. but i've done nothing to her ;o

    we got introduced by our friend, more like i enter the room to pass through them to get to the bathroom, our good friend starts pointing at me, that’s G, then pointing at her, that’s E. that’s it. we never say anything. i was drunk as hell at that very event. it was somewhere last year. just as i was slightly drunk when the watermelon jello hit me. i had to stop any drinking for half an hour to regain my conscience. lol.


    about 10 past 2, J told me to get the hell out of there because the party is not going to stop.

    some of our friends are swingers. neither one of us are in a relationship but we don’t want to know how far and how wild this goes. we know the host has a jacuzzi that folks often jump in there in their birthday suits. plus, there’s a lake next to his back yard. you can imagine the rest. he has a few guest rooms and a RV parking upfront, so at least 6 guests can stay over for the night. that’s more than enough for an orgy.


    maybe you wish i should have stayed. i could have narrated what really happened after 3. lol. but i never did. glad the host and hostess finally give up fishing me. i’m too old for this. or precisely i want something more meaningful than fucking someone’s brain out.

    how was your july 4th weekend go? god bless your family and friends.

    regarding how you spent it, remember it’s a celebration of freedom, of a new world with full of adventures waiting for you. there are things which make you freaked out, or nervous, but take baby steps to calm down. you’re not going to win your own battle if you don’t have some peace within yourself.

  11. BellaMynx
    Latest Entry



    Enough with the eyes and the staring and making me aware of my sexual orientation and how it is misconstrued to mean that it leads to a possible threesome or act that I might get down on my knees and suck your pathetic cock that doesn't deserve my mouth or any part of my body for that matter. I'm not some lamb hung up by its hooves at the slaughter house for you to choose amongst other lambs that you've been feasting your eyes upon.


    Raising your meaty finger up at me and stating to the butcher,

    "Yeah, I want that one. With its thick thighs and coat. Yeah, she'd make a delicious meal that I may eat for days," all within earshot of me and without a care in the world.






    I'm tired of being viewed as a piece of meat.

    I'm tired of my sexuality losing it's validity in the eyes of men.

    Yes, I said men, and sadly to say some women buy into it as well.

    Some say,

    "You need to make a decision!" or

    "I could never trust someone such as you because you can't make your mind up to love me or love me not!"

    I pick all the petals off this wilted flower I hold in my hand.


    Perhaps someone will understand.

    Perhaps someone will see.

    Perhaps someone will know there's more to me than their mind's eye can see when they look at me.





    You there!

    Yes, you!

    I'm talking to you.

    Stop the ignorance.

    Stop the insanity.

    I've had enough of not being taken seriously.


    I'm tired of people making assumptions that because it says, "bisexual,"

    It only means to them all the negative things they can possibly think of.

    I am a valid person,

    My sexuality is valid.

    Enough with the ignorance!








    I'm tired of all this bullshit. I'm tired of only being seen as a ticket to a threesome or just a sexual tool. I'm not a fucking sex toy.

  12. In about 5 days it will be 6 months since my husband left me for another woman after only 3 weeks of having an affair with her and being very open about trying to decide between her and me. I never thought that this would happen to us. But she didn't want an open relationship and he didn't want to give her up and probably figured I'd be still there when he gets bored with her....


    He slept with me twice after starting his monogamous relationship with her. And at some point I realize that he wouldn't stop sleeping with me. That he would turn me into his secret mistress. I moved out and worked on the separation agreement he insisted on having. She asked me to divorce him and at first I refused to. When we signed the separation agreement about a month ago, I told him I'd be okay with the divorce as long as he pays for it. He started crying and said he didn't want to get divorced. He says he still loves me. He told me to stay amazing. He told me he was sorry that he was such a monster and that he regrets hurting me. I think his relationship is doomed as long as he doesn't look at his demons and works on his issues, but it is not my problem anymore. I have come a long way in the last 6 months.


    It has been about 6 months since I attempted suicide twice. It has been about 4 months since I last felt suicidal. My therapist helped, friends and family helped, a new partner helped. I didn't think I'd be happy again. He was the love of my life, my biggest passion, my soul mate. There was just a black hole in front of me, but like a beacon in a stormy night something new emerged and let me to better shores.


    In about 10 days it will be 4 months since I said yes to this new relationship. My partner is my still-husband's best friend. He still is. He told me he had always loved me about 2 weeks after my husband left. He was there supporting me with no expectations and lots of love. I don't think I have ever seen a love that burns as bright and as steady as his and is as unconditional at the same time. I had never even looked at him in that way - he was my husband's best friend and as that for me not even a potential sex partner (I don't have sex with close friends). Now I realize: I love him too. It is not the passion I felt before, it is more like a plant, slowly but surely growing into a strong tree. We just fit. We have similar ideas and wishes about the future and honesty and self-development. We both love sex, we both love making each other smile. It feels more mature than anything I ever had before. We already live together and it just feels right. He is bisexual too. His last relationship was with a man and he said he didn't expect to ever be with a woman again. He is very monogamous, so there won't be an open relationship. But he is up for threesomes if we find the right third (but we are not looking, really, it doesn't seem important) and he is okay with a girl one night stand for me if I need that down the road.

    Surprisingly, 6 months after the end of my life I feel happier and more fulfilled than ever before. I feel stronger and more sure of myself. Sometimes I wonder how I got here. It feels like I am in a new life that pretends to always have been like that. As if I switched into a parallel universe, a parallel life. I still feel like the universe meant for me and my husband to be together, but it now feels like I had a task, that I had to get my husband to the point where he is now, confronting himself and feeling consequences of his actions for the first time in his life. My task is over and the universe let me be free. And I got rewarded for my hard work...

  13. Hello my dears,


    As it turns out, I am alive. Didn't actually think I'd come back to ShyBi (went on hiatus for quite some time, came back for a hot second, then disappeared again), but I randomly made a reappearance. I'm kind of sad to see that most of my friends here have signed off, quite possibly for good, but I get that. Life happens on and off of the computer screen, and this place was very comforting when I was a wee freshman and sophomore in college, still figuring out things about myself. It's a lovely environment.


    Oh, by the way, I graduated college :derisive: It's hard to believe it's been four years [i still don't really believe it, and probably won't until I a) have a job and my own place or b) once the school year starts for everyone else, and not me, for the first time in years]. I must say, I'm proud of myself. I put a lot of work in, made a lot of self-discoveries and friends (including people on here), and got in some practice at being an adult, as well as some time to goof off and do stupid/crazy things (climbing walls, going atop quad buildings to stargaze, and walking in winds so harsh you could lean against them and not fall over).

    In the meantime, I'm living with my parents. I really wanted to get out of here, have a job, and get my own place by the time graduation came, but that didn't happen. So far, though, it's kind of nice to be home. I don't have a job yet, but I also don't have to pay for rent or food yet, and if I do pay for something, it's usually not much. Job searching, however, is... wow. I've applied to over 100 positions now. Out of the six interviews I've had, only one place made an offer, which was good, but it was only part-time and $9/hour. Definitely something one can't live off of, even when sharing an apartment with people. Another one, which I kind of applied for, but not (since it was hooked up through a friend), was offered to me, but after some deliberation and talk with others, I decided not to take it (part-time for the summer only, and $16/hour. Not bad, especially for a broke college kid, but not for a recent graduate paying for rent, utilities, and groceries). It's a little hard to not feel discouraged after all of this, but I'll keep going at it. I'm really hoping for a writing or library job, but I'm open to other things, so long as it's not a dead end.


    Let's see, what else... I officially came out to (nearly) everyone via Facebook this past October for Bisexual Visibility Day. I received a lot of love from my friends and some family members online. Unfortunately (or fortunately, since it needed to happen), some of my Facebook relatives have big mouths and are fairly gossipy. My parents, who are not on FB, found out two days later, and lectured me/chewed me out for doing it/saying that. If you've read my past posts about coming out to my mom, I believe this makes it my third time coming out to her. She still didn't believe me. It was my dad's first time hearing it. He didn't speak to me for over a month.

    It all got straightened out (and by that, I mean arguing and mutually and silently agreeing not to talk about it), but I did become very emotional and suicidal during that time. The suicidal thing still comes to mind, now and again, if I'm being honest, but I'm doing much better now.


    Also, I have a partner, now. He's a very sweet person, and very kind to me :yes: We've been together for over a year. And yes, he knows I'm bisexual, and he's okay with it. However, it seems he doesn't want to share ;) haha. That's alright, since I do care about him deeply. Fortunately, we both want to live in the same city once we have jobs, so we'll still be able to get together and cuddle. The long-distance thing is working for now, but we're both eager to get back in the swing of things, relationship-wise and otherwise.

    He's also been very supportive over the past year. Through my coming out, through my suicidal emotions, through my bouts of anxiety, my revealing my sexual assault and past abusive situations (well, I haven't chosen to elaborate, yet), and just putting up with my weirdness, stubbornness, and pervertedness :3 He gives me a lot of advice, even though he's only a few months older than me. The latest piece of advice is to open my mind and take into consideration everything I've been taught, but to question things and start forming my own thoughts and concepts (rather than believing everything the teacher's said). He's one heck of a critic and quite the realist, but he's wonderful and he cares, and I hope we stay together for a while.


    So, what am I doing now? Well, beside looking for jobs, I finally got my license and I'm driving my elders around (and they love it. Hello, Ms. Daisy!). I'm also reading for fun (something that's been nearly lost on me since I began college... because there's so much class reading!), which I'm happy about. Also just trying to write more, and explore more. But since I'm trying to keep the blog I'm maintaining "professional" with clear-cut posts that are critical and kind of activist-y, I'll save my personal thoughts and journal-type stuff for here (and I guess someone likes reading this. My blog here has over 4,000 views! Wow!). But I do hope my ramblings help someone, somehow. Otherwise, I'm just getting my thoughts out, which is still good.


    I think that's all for now. It's almost 1am here, so I think it's about time I went to bed. I'll be back to write more later. Thanks for reading!