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Since my last blog post was so serious... here is an homage to my girl... DITA!
Beautiful... smart... sexy... this woman would turn me into a stuttering blathering mess. I don't even need to see her in lingerie... seeing her in a 50's pinup dress drives me over the moon. That smile... those eyes... I could just stare at her all day. And night. And the next day.
Remember those old cartoons where the heart jumps out of the cartoon character's chest and their eyes bug out and you hear "AAAOOOOOOOGAHH!!"
Yeah. Dita. It's something like that.
I finally made it to 50 posts. Figured I should start one of these things.
I don't really know what to write about, I'm sitting here half awake at work. Finished all my daily tasks and etc already. Just waiting for my supervisor to get here to tell me what else is on the agenda to do today.
Hmm. I suppose I'm on here to make friends and connect with people in similar situations to me. I'm in a limbo where I CAN actively look for a woman, but it's not something I'm racing for. If that makes sense. I like to take my time with things. I don't like to rush into things anymore.
A few years ago, I did try to rush things. I was excited to finally get out there and dip my toes into the water, so to speak. But, as with anything, I ran into things that kind scared me off. I met a very attractive woman online. I was pretty excited she was into me. Then she dropped the bomb she was cheating-basically, which I've mentioned before in some of my posts, isn't my thing to get involved in. I also ran into a few women messaging me, which ended up becoming a bait and switch type thing. Suddenly, it was for a threesome, instead of just me and said woman. Unicorn hunters. Which, is something my fiancé and I would be interested in, but bait and switch is so shady and gross. But, we're not looking for that at all at this point in time. He told me that music could be his other girlfriend if I find a girlfriend. Haha. For us it's one of those things that would be cool to come our way, but we live pretty busy lives at the moment.
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On my way home from work, I walked by a tiny bird that was just sitting, soaking wet, on someone's driveway. When I walked up to it, it was clearly awake, but didn't fly away or even move that much besides looking at me and trembling. So I took it home and looked up what to do on the internet.
According to the internet, it had probably flown into a window or something and gotten concussed, but would recover on its own if I leave it somewhere safe, dark, and quiet.
I put it in a Victoria's Secret box, with a towel, and left the lid open a crack for air, and then left the box in a closed room and went to a doctor's appointment. When I came back an hour later, I peeked in on the little guy, taking the lid off BEFORE going outside, which was a huge mistake. He did recover, but now he was freaking out, tweeting swearwords at me, and flying around my living room. By the time I got the back door open, it had gone into hiding somewhere, and I had to move every piece of furniture before I saw it ducking behind the DVD towers.
I got as far as, "There you-" and it bolted for the door.
And flew into the screen window.
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I haven't been on this site for a while, and obviously, this is my first Blog post.
When I first found this place, summer 2016, it was a God-send. I poured my heart out, let the real me out there, and everyone was understanding and wonderful. Strangely, I was welcomed, not what I expecting.
It had taken me a long time to realise my bisexuality, even though it was completely obvious on realisation! For example - I loved Buffy the Vampire Slayer series when I was younger. I’m a colossal nerd, so it’d not surprising! But Buffy or Sarah Michelle Gellar, was my first girl crush. At the time, I thought it was normal. Buffy was hot, killed bad guys and I wanted her to save me and then kiss me!
Yeah. I know now!
I’ve had one lesbian experience and that was with my best friend in Ibiza. It was kind of a bucket list thing for her and the longer the sex went on, the less she was into it. I was though, and I’ve missed the female touch and closeness since.
I have a fiancé and two children now, 6 and 3. I love them all and what could be wrong?
Well. I think you know where this is going?!
All the girl crushes, lesbian fantasies - of which I assumed were normal came to a head. The mass of confusion and agony had all come into the open and like a lightbulb going off in my head I guess! Ahhh. It all made sense. It was a relief, but……terrifying.
Well, I found Shys last summer and many wonderful people and I’m glad to say, a really good friend, whom I’m still friends with now.
In short, my partner has known something was wrong and, after many arguments, I ended up coming out to him. He was relieved I wasn’t having an affair and was kind of supportive at the time. I told him about Shys and he was on board.
That didn’t last long. He’s not a horrible guy, he’s a great dad and partner. His love of football / soccer is for another discussion! But he’s insecure of my sexuality, which I can understand. We’re still together and I love my family, but we argue more these days. I’m going to keep our family together.
At this moment in time, I want a woman more than anything. It’s driving me crazy. I want the softness, tenderness and lovingness that only a woman can give. It’s a fantasy Lol. I don’t want to do anything to hurt my family no matter how fooked up I am.
I’m still in touch with my friend from here, who is my twin sister in another country! She’s amazing and I love her. I’m back to Shys, on her advice and because….I’m lonely and I thought I’d got it under control, but I haven’t. It comes and goes, but the yearning to be with a woman is overtaking my thoughts and it isn’t something I can pursue so I’m pretty insane!
I’m beyond help I’m sure. There is no easy fix for me. But if you’ve got this far? Thank you for your time x
I've been trying my hardest to avoid spending money so that I can put as much money towards my student loans as possible. I'm finally in a position where I can do that, but it isn't easy. About an hour ago, I get into a car accident. Someone two cars ahead of me slammed on their brakes, causing a chain reaction. I was the lucky one who's car decided to slide into the SUV in front of me. The front of my car was smashed. Glass everywhere. The container that housed the antifreeze was destroyed leaking the liquid onto the hot engine, causing the car to smoke. Needless to say, it wasn't a pretty sight, but thankfully no one was hurt.
So now, I have no car. The money that I tried to squeeze out of my paychecks in an attempt to pay a little extra on my loans is now going to go towards a car payment. My insurance is going to go up. I just can't help but wonder why. My commute home is 50 minutes. I was less than 10 minutes away. I was just looking into certifications to help with career advancement. Now, all of that is going on the back burner. I haven't even paid off my debt from the wedding. *sigh* I'm just so frustrated.
I'm home reading an old erotica text and it's gotten me worked up and my cunt streaming.
So our girlfriend and husband and I are doing fine, seeing each other regularly. It's not a super deep intellectual connection but we have fun and really enjoy ourselves having good sex, and we have lots of funny jokes we laugh about. Our politics are different but that's not bad. We just don't talk about it much.
This old erotica is quite taboo with some delicious lesbian love. It's naughty. I love it.
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I know this post wont be relevant to most of you, being that I am in OZ and it is summer time here while you are all rugged up for a white christmas and new years.
I always struggle with my longings for women in summer. So many short skirts, dresses, shorts, tight clothes, braless breasts in summer dresses. I hate that it makes me sound like such a pervert that I notice these things, but alas I can not change that I am very much attracted to the female form. Right now in my life there is nowhere to place these longings. While we do continue our search for a girlfriend, there are so few women actually interested in dating a couple.
We have started visiting strip clubs, not to pick up women, but as a way for me to express and experience my sexuality outside of a girlfriend. I do enjoy these visits, and the women there do a convincing job of flirting with me although I know they get paid to do this. Lol While I enjoy it, I am not sure if it helps or hinders me in calming my longing down.
I am trying not to blame myself for the lack of interest from women, not to take the consistent rejection personally and harm myself with it, so this seems as good a space as any to at least express that I don't understand and I wish women were attracted to me the way I am to them. I have tried very hard to stop my addiction to crushing on straight women, but as summer approaches I once again find myself lusting over them and longing for physical intimacies with my friends as they bare their skin.
I struggle so much with this longing. I read somewhere that grief is just love with no place to go. Well that sums up how I feel so accurately. I have this love, affection and desire for women with nowhere to put it. Sometimes I feel I would give my life to feel the soft swell of a woman's breasts in my hands, to taste the sweetness of her lips, run my fingers through her hair, feel her fingers intertwined with mine, or just gaze into her eyes.
On the one hand I will probably never give up the hope that this could be a reality for me, and will continue to chase my dreams. On the other hand I wonder if I would be happier if I gave up. Maybe it is the hope that crushes me, you know? Crushes. Lol Such an accurate term,
Interestingly I would have said I am much happier this year than I was last year, despite the fact that last year I was thinner and we did infact have a girlfriend. I suppose I must be feeling lonely. If I felt I had a best friend I could talk to about this I would be talking to her right now. Unfortunately while I have friends, I don't feel closely connected to any of them right now. Which bares the question -- is it a girl friend or a best friend I seek?
Maybe it is an impossible fantasy, but what I seek is for one person to be both things.
Anyway, the point of this post is just to express my frustration that I am surrounded by the things that I want and can not have. It seems so cruel and unfair. Added to that I don't feel I have anywhere to express this grief I feel without people labelling me as greedy because I already have so much happiness in my life. Alternatively people are fast to point out that it is my couple status that holds me back. I don't know how pointing out the obvious is supposed to make me feel better. I just want someone to hug me and tell me they understand that my heart hurts because I can't find the things that I long for. I want someone to tell me they understand why summer is triggering for me and how hard it is. I want someone, a female someone, to love me back. I don't think that is so hard to understand. I want to enjoy my sexuality not feel trapped and isolated by it.
Tell me someone here understands? Please? Sigh.
There is a woman that I have loved nearly all my life. She was my best friend. We grew up together, but in time we grew apart.
She was always so perfect. Gorgeous, smart, funny, athletic, artistic, nearly perfect. Her biggest flaw has always been her self-doubt. I remember going bathing suit shopping with her. Everyone looked incredible on her, and yet in her eyes her thighs were too big, her body not quite ideal. I loved her fiercely, I would have done anything for her.
As we grew and matured, I felt her reluctance to be around me. She seemed to struggle with my budding sexuality. I dated plenty of boys, she never did. She never tried. Every time a boy worked up the courage to ask her out, she was always shocked that someone would be interested in her that way. She was never interested in them.
I grew up, and I held on. I always called her first, I always made our plans. I always pushed her to step out of her shell, to get out into the world. I think she hated that, but she always answered, she always showed up.
When I got married, she signed my marriage certificate as a witness. When I had my first baby she took a bus for seventeen hours so she could be one of the first to hold them. She was my best friend, and yet, I felt I didn't really know her. There was this part of her that she kept locked up, kept to herself. She hid herself from me, and that broke my heart.
I remember talking to her about our childhood and confessing that I had always looked up at her, was always jealous of her. Her perfect family. Her gorgeous body. Her skills and talents. She was shocked. She told me that she has always been jealous of me. My charisma, my ability to easily make friends, my strength in being myself. I learned a big lesson that day, and finally look her off her pedestal.
I came out as bi. Not to everyone, just to myself and my husband. I wrote a blog post about it on my website, and found some support from other queer people. I found myself thinking about her. Truth be told, I have long since suspected she was gay. At 25 she has never gone on a date with a guy, nor has she ever (to my knowledge) had a crush on one. Growing up we watched Sailor Moon together, and her favourite character was the tall blonde lesbian. My friend is tall and blonde.
When I asked her if she was gay, or at least maybe a little bit less than 100% straight, she denied it. I doubted her. She has always struggled with internalized homophobia. I've been trying to get her to stop saying things like "That's gay" for years, and yet she won't. She's progressive in every other way, and yet...
I realize now that I have long since been in love with her. I had a dream a few months ago involving making love with her, and that dream pushed me to go out and find this website. I needed to take the first step in living a life as a bi woman. I had come out, but I wasn't living the life I wanted.
I wish I didn't still want her. I wish I didn't think about how close we used to be, or how perfect we would be together. It's strange, but my husband is so similar to her. Beyond his body, they are so similar. I often wonder what could have been.
I wonder if she distanced herself from me because she struggled to see me date men. I wonder if she loved me as deeply and as fiercely as I love her.
We haven't spoken in many months. I was fed up with her lack of effort. I told her I needed a real friend, someone who would show up, make the call, respond to my emails. She never responded. I miss her so much.
She still lives at home, with her conservative parents who I doubt would be supportive of a lesbian daughter. She was taught that her role is to get married and raise children. Travel, adventure, gay clubs, these things are off limits for her. She is too afraid to venture into the world. She is too afraid to be her true self, and I'm left wondering what her true self looks like. She used to be so fun, so carefree and wild. Somewhere along the way she learned that she needed to tone it down, to slouch, to speak softly, to avoid doing anything that would draw attention to herself.
I miss her so much, but I'm afraid to open up that old wound. Maybe I just need to learn to get over her. Maybe she isn't gay. Maybe she will never admit to being gay. Maybe she is already on Shybi, or sites like it, exploring her identity in a safe way. Where are you? Do you miss me?
I wish I would stop dreaming of her. I wish I could just move on. I wish I had never fallen in love with my (possibly straight) best friend.
I feel safe to write down here.
I feel all over the place at the moment, yule/Christmas did not feel like it was, I went upstairs to collect mum and dads presents and everyone continued to open all of theirs so I miss my kids face when they opened all the best bits, yes there were photos taken. we were also meant to have a family photo so I dressed up with make up (does not happen often), yes I put a cardy on but I could of taken it off. photo never happened.
I suddenly don't want to go out any more, I could be out at a motorbike get together tonight but the thought of it just makes want to cry and I do not know why this happening. It's not just this time I have been asked to go out but I seem to find a way out of it. I don't think my dh realises it's starting to become an issue. I can be in a room full of people chatting to me but I would prefer the quite. Thinking back this has been like this for about two years now, Even if I am with Dh or my best friends.
My kids and husband are my life.
I am not enjoying things like I did, even work is a hard slog some days and I love being A Nursing Assistant you meet so many different people and real characters.
Ok... It has been a long time since I posted on here. Mostly due to being in grad school, but also trying to find myself. It has been a long arduous process, but I'm finally coming to terms with who I am.
While being married, I have lost a sense of the "me" that I had back in college. Don't get me wrong, I never was a confident person, but I at least had an idea of the hobbies I enjoyed and what I liked on TV... all of that little detail. Well, fast forward a few years and you find me in a controlling marriage, where there are no compromises. I have had to be the dutiful wife and try to be a cheerleader for my husband in his life, when he has no real direction. Since we've been married, I have basically been the sole provider as well as expected to cook, clean, do laundry,... I don't mind doing any of that, but I would like to have some help.
Five years of this has led to depression and anxiety, with migraines added into the mix as well. 2016 was the year of finding my assertiveness and to finally start standing up for my beliefs and needs. I started horseback riding in June, which has lessened my anxiety levels. I felt like I went through a mid life crisis back in September/October, because I bought a horse, told my husband it was over, and applied for a new librarian position (which I started the day before Thanksgiving).
All I can say is I hope 2017 continues in the path of growth, but presents less challenges and changes than this year. A girl can only take so much!
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Last week, I ran into a woman I've had a crush on for a good 3+ years. At the time, I was a nursing student, and she was a medical resident at the hospital where I was doing clinicals. I was married at the time, and in a triad relationship, but this woman and I had chemistry, and we would flirt harmlessly. I knew nothing would come of it, and I was honest with my husband and girlfriend about everything.
When I left my marriage, she and I got matched on OKCupid, and she sent me a message trying to place my face. Once she realized who I was, she fell silent, and I didn't push it. I figured maybe once more time passed after leaving, I would reach out to her.
So last week, I was taking my son to dinner, and she was there when we walked in the door. She was the first to greet me, and we chatted for a second about what we were doing professionally (she is no longer in the hospital, but I now work at that same hospital). She was on her way to a meeting, so we kept it brief, but I sent her a message on FB saying to send me a friend request if she wanted (her settings wouldn't let me send her one), and she promptly responded and sent a request. I waited until this past Monday to send a message to see if she wanted to have lunch or dinner sometime soon. She responded that she would love to, but as friends, as she just started seeing someone, and it became more serious over the weekend. I'm kicking myself for hesitating!! But oh well.
So now my dilemma is that I want to see her and hang out with her, and kinda gauge the chemistry between us after all this time. Maybe it's gone, and that would make things really easy and straightforward. Or it's there, and I have to be honest with her that being around her while she's attached would be hard. I want to be respectful of where she is right now, but also be clear that if she becomes single again, I would like to take her out.
I'm by no means waiting on her, but she is someone that I could see getting serious with if we ever go there. I have the feeling that she will become single just as things get serious for me with someone new, because that's how the cosmos work.
I guess I'm just working through all this in my head, and trying to sort out the delicate balance of being respectful of where she is and of her GF, and being clear about where I stand. She's a pretty down-to-earth woman, intelligent, kind and honest. I'm sure she's going to be pretty honest with this woman about who I am and my interest in her, if we do hang out.
Part of me really hopes the chemistry isn't there anymore, and I gain a good new friend. The other part of me hopes it's still electric and she becomes single sooner than later. I suppose time will tell.
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So November has always been a busy month for me because of born day celebrations including my own! I was also super busy with work and my 2 yr old. Anyway, I've realized when I have no idle time on my hands, my desires for women romantically fade into the backgrounds of my life! Has this or does this happen to you? Or am I the only one?
Problem is, that's the last thing I want my desires to do. I don't want them to be suppressed any longer. However, with all that's happening right now it's the easiest thing for me to do! Can I change this? How do I do this?
2017, is officially my year of true undevided happiness which includes my romantic quest with a woman physically and emotionally! How do I make this a priority even if it starts to take a background seat?
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The train ride home was beautiful. I was sat looking out of the train window onto the most beautiful deep orange sky as the sun slowly slipped down lower, down behind the trees . It was the end to a most beautiful day. The very last day of October 2016.
It felt like summer today, warm and balmy, it was still feeling just like summer. It was almost too nice to have stayed indoors all day, but indoors we stayed....and there was nowhere else we'd rather have been.
To share a bed picnic and a plastic cup or two of fizz was just perfect on so many levels ....Checking into that 'day' room today with our bag full of edible treats was more exciting than tea at the Ritz somehow..... opening that door to our room on the twelfth floor had us just bursting for every moment that was about to stretch out before us.....
It had been so long since we'd been here in this Ibis hotel, it had been so long as we haven't really needed it recently. I've had my own place, somewhere for us to be together, or I've been able to come to you Tess. So we haven't really needed that day room recently, such is the way our lives have been lived.
But our LDR is not always easy, the longing and the missing of each other is, on occasions fraught with emotion and frustration ..... but omg it is also the most beautiful thing ever and I think we both know that one day we will look back upon this time we are sharing and smile as to how well we have coped. We will smile at how we both, in turn, held each other up when one was low or how we both soared at every single moment we were gratefully able to spend together.... And our day room in Reading with a bed picnic fit for a queen was just the perfect tonic for today.... omg and how perfect was it baby?....
So Tess to feel you wrap your arms around me like you do, to feel our legs entwine and to feel the soft pillowy cushions of our breasts as we press our naked bodies into each other feels just like heaven. And then to spend the day wrapped in each other's arms after sharing the most perfect lovemaking is all it takes to have us both drift off into deepest, dreamiest sleep ever.
(Sometimes we don't realise just how tired we are. Sometimes we function on the outside like we are on autopilot when really on the inside our body needs and craves a day to lose ourselves in each other and into a day of slumber. Today was one of those days, today we both really needed those hours just to wrap ourselves into each other and melt away into the land of our shared love).
I think we should call it 'Our Slumber Day'.
And today, after our lovemaking we slept in each other's arms, a much needed daytime sleep. And I think we both dreamt of distant places, of faraway shores and soft warm places that had us both feel secure and with a calmness that enveloped us totally. Or did we just dream of nothing....I'm not sure totally but it was just perfect for today. And upon waking from these dreams, wrapped so tightly in each other's arms we both realised just how very tired we really were.)
So now I'm sat on my train home and darkness has fallen outside and I smile inwardly knowing that those hours we've shared today in the pillowy softness of each other will recharge our hearts and our minds.
Those Ibis hours will have us both know that what we share still is, as it always has been THE most beautiful things known to man...(or woman)
A most beautiful love that is felt so deep inside we just know that we have to just keep holding tight, keep being strong and keep looking forward.... for after all a shared love like this has to be worth the steps we are taking. Steps that will one day lead us to where we both very much want to be.... <3 xxxx
This is me,
My name is Melissa and this is my first blog entry. I have had the ability to write them for sometime, but call it nerves, anxiety or a lack of confidence but I could not bring myself to do more than read others posts and wish I had the courage to make my own. Things for me have been in constant flux of late and I think something just clicked tonight as I was doing my usual browse through of posts. Something I have not felt in a very long time. I felt strong. Awake, like I just crawled out of a bad nightmare that has been my life from the time I was 16 until now. I am reaffirming who I am and what I want, but now I just have to figure out how to get it.
My bio says some things about me, but, it is only the tip of the iceberg. I am so deep in how I feel and who I am that it is hard for me to chose to share any of it anymore. Even when I was with my husband, I felt the need to hold back. Maybe it is because my smart brain knew what kind of an man I was dealing with and was trying to protect me. But, I find it in my nature not to be completely open. The pitfalls of being introverted. Who do you trust? Who do you let in? Will they hurt you? Will they betray your trust? Will they understand you? Will they bring you down? Will they accept you? All things I worry and panic about. They stick with me everyday. There are a lot of myths out there about Introverts, about how we are not confidant or are shy, or don't want companionship. But, it is not true. Not for all of us. Just like with everything, there is a spectrum. I often find myself craving companionship. Someone I can share my deepest thoughts with. Someone who can help build up what has been torn down over the last 18 years. I find myself when the insomnia kicks in, wishing there was someone who would put their arms around me and put my mind to rest with words of encouragement.
Even harder for me, is of late, the craving is not for male companionship. I find myself staring at women, wanting to steel myself up and talk to them. But, I always fail. I find myself trapped in my head with my worries and the opportunity to even just say, hi, passes away. I don't go out. I don't go to night clubs, bars etc. So the typical way folks usually meet are not avenues I can take. Even if I did, I know I'd be that awkward girl in the corner, with a non-alcoholic drink, wishing I wasn't such a coward. I wish I could verbalize to someone how much I think they are pretty, that I wish I could get to know them better. I wish I could convey to someone how great of a partner I would be if they could just see past the fact I am a single mom, see past mental illness, past the disability, past the broken parts and see that I am Loyal to a fault, devoted, loving, and a hopeless romantic. I am fun. I may not go out drinking, but I love games, all kinds of games from board games to video games. I love going to the movies. We have a drive in so close. I have gone every summer since I was a kid to see movies there, even though it is more expensive. I love to go to mini-golf and to ride the ferry into Seattle. I love to go camping. Nothing to me is more relaxing than just the ones you love and yourself without any of life's distractions. I recently went on a cruise and discovered I absolutely loved it. I want to do it more. It is my dream for when I retire to buy an RV and travel the country. I just hope that I have someone by then to share the experience with.
I am not sure if that will ever be in the cards for me, but I refuse to give up. I have come along way since I first felt the curiosity of wanting to be close to a woman. I have learned it is more than just a passing curiosity that it is a full blown desire. But another not so much discovery, but reaffirming is that there is an actual name for what I have always known. I have a hard time connecting to people on a superficial level. I need the deep connection. Turns out, as I was learning about my bisexual side, I learned there is a whole community just like on that level too. Demisexual. I had no idea until I started this journey that my feelings had a name. I have to say I was blow away. I thought that something was seriously wrong with me. It was a relief to know I am not alone in any aspect of my life. I think right now that and my kids are the only thoughts that get me through each day as I work to build myself back up.
So rant, over. Not sure if it makes sense but, that is how my mind went roaming tonight. Talking about myself or my feelings is not normal for me and is difficult. So, we'll see how I feel about this in the morning. It will determine I write more.
So this is me...
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I wanted to formally introduce myself to you all. I am Dee a 49 yr old married mother of 2. I have lived in Pa all my life.
One day I was browsing the net and came across this site and it felt so right that I had to join.
I have been bi-curious for quite some time probably over 30 years now but I would never admit it to myself. I thought I would be picked apart by people. I do know, firsthand, that my hubby would not be ok with it. He is very conservative and old fashioned. So, therefore,, I have kept my feelings all bottled up.
I was wondering if anyone else has to do the same????
It really is not easy fighting these feelings and wanting to give in to them with noone to give in with.
One night I watching porn with my Hubby and I realized the girl on girl is what was turning me on VERY much. I couldn't contain myself to the point where he had probably gotten the best sex of his life that night.
Well, since then I watch my porn alone. I read stories of women being passionate and wild with eather and I found it just makes me want to be with a woman even more. I would love to find a married woman in the same situation that would love to share a friendship with the awesome experience of having a sexual relation also. I would never leave my family so I know the woman must feel the same about hers and just want that VERY special friendship and bond.
Is anyone else in the same situation?
If so, have you been lucky enough to find her.....
I am finding such a hard time reading other women to see if they are bi......I guess I do not have that talent.
I often wonder if a woman like me even exists out there.
Well thanks for listening....I'd love to hear any feedback or even advise. I am very open minded and love all types of people so any advise from anyone (even if this is not your type of situation) is more than welcome.
Thanks you so much for letting me get this off my chest.
Peace and Love
My biggest regret,
It's not opening up,
It's not being vulnerable,
It's not feeling desperate,
It's not attempting suicide,
It's not sinking into self hatred,
It's what has followed.
It's fear of people,
It's fear of letting anyone in,
It's fear of being used, of being back stabbed, of being bitched about when I fly across continents when I'm sitting right there,
It's fear of confidence being stripped from my soul,
It's fear of losing myself,
Of letting anyone have that sort of power to be able to hurt me so much,
That for years I'm not the same person,
Maybe I'll never be the same,
I don't see how I can be.
It's not the words,
It's not the revelations,
It's not the shock or the tears or the grief or the sleepless nights,
It's that I allowed it to change me,
I allowed it to instil fear in me so strong that I have to see a therapist just to get through,
That I allowed you to take my strength,
To twist it and turn it and puncture it,
Slowly rotting from the inside with every nasty word,
With every sigh of "you're pathetic" on your breath,
With every moment that I came to you and you didn't care if I needed you.
My biggest regret,
My absolute life changing regret.
My biggest hell.
My biggest struggle.
Is admitting that something is still wrong.
Admitting that you changed me.
Admitting that I struggle to find myself,
I struggle for strength,
I struggle to be more than auto piloted,
I struggle to not jump at my own shadow,
I reject every advance,
I shrug off rejection because I don't let people close enough to hurt me.
I still hate.
For the rest of my life.
I will regret.
My last status said I was going to try to be here more often (back in January!) and now it's October. Oops. Well, there's been a lot going on. In order of importance:
1. I got a well-paying job back in March!
2. I moved out of my parents' house and into my own apartment just a few weeks ago (I am so relieved)
3. I am getting a decent start on paying all of my own bills (even more relief)
4. I have a boyfriend!
5. I am back in contact with a high school friend, and hopefully we will remain friends even after she moves to Hawaii
6. I am researching LGBT groups/businesses in town, and there are a few places that still seem to be active. I'll do my best to go the next meetup!
There's a lot of stuff I need to think through pertaining to... well, most of this list, but I really feel like I'm pretty on track to being a functional adult! And I really will try to be online more often this time!!
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I love fall nice mild weather the change of the leaves in its on glory of colors brown, Bright oranges, gold, I can were my leather jackets or trench coats, boots. Went to the orchard for apples, cider and doughnuts yum and its so beautiful there this time of year. Being up north as I walk through the woods early in the morning I can hear the sounds of nature and the animals that live in it. I can even hear that old rooster crowing on Mr Robinson's farm, I can hear the water as it flows Down the stream I hear the fish jumping in the stream as well as I look around I can see dears bobbing there heads as the reach for the apple on the ground yes I do love wonders that fall brings. Holloween is another wonder that I like carving pumpkins making jack o lanters and pumpkin pie and pumpkin seeds yum. the kids out in there costumes having fun looking forward to the goodies there going to receive in the bags there parents looking on as they run to the doors getting there goodies there excited to because they know there gona be treats for them to in the bag also so. The spookie movies qnd haunted houses i hope all the ladies shys enjoy the fall and Octobers festive month with friends and family enjoy.:-)
I still haven't been in a relationship since my ex, but I haven't put too much effort into either...I just don't feel like going out to the same places time and time again. I'm bored...and I'm bored with the people there. Its the same routine every time I get the chance to go out. I go out alone and I come home alone. I try talking to people and they always turn out to being exactly what I don't want...I want to move but I don't know where to move to. Then I can't move because I have to take care of other family members because if I don't then no one will. But I'm left to do it alone...but as mean and cruel as it sounds I'm then left taking care of other lives and not living my own. The moment I get my chance at going out I take it but then I'm restricted as where I can go as I need to be close to home.
But if things go as promised someone else is coming to give me a break and I have no idea what to do with myself...I'm so excited but then there's this crushing reminder that I'm single...I'm really trying not to let that get in the way but its difficult.
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I haven't wrote anything in awhile. I just want to write how I'm feeling now, since I have no one to really talk to. I've been feeling pretty lonely and feel like I have nothing going for myself.
I don't have the energy to do anything else for myself. ive tried many times to look for friends, but they either don't want to hang out or ignore me. and now I'm given up trying, even though I really want a friend, someone to talk too. I feel so self conscious of myself, I guess that's why ive given up trying to look for friends.
I'm going to be a lonely cat lady.....
I kissed a girl and I liked it.
The taste of her juicy, red lips.
I kissed a girl 'cause I wanted to.
I know that nobody minds it.
It felt so right,
Yeah, oh so right!
She doesn't want to be more than friends, though.
But I kissed a girl and I liked it..
No, I loved it!
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Today I learned you cannot trust your heart to keep quiet. When it is broken and trampled you cannot stop it from feeling the pain it is in or the stop it from screaming the loudest FUCK YOU it can muster. You cannot tell it to stop the words it wants to say even though your head is telling it to shut up! Bite your tongue! I learned today you cannot trust your heart.
Today I have been cool and collected through a very difficult time in my life. I took the shit storm that was given to me and I have tried to handle it with pride and maturity. Even when I broke down and sobbed into the pillow so little people in my home did not hear, I stayed strong. I stayed cool and collected.
Today I have held my breath and clutched my hands together to stop shaking. I have held my stomach and chest together with those same clutched hands to hold myself together until I was ready to stand on my own sturdy feet and not crumble to the ground. I have held my breath and clutched my hands together to stop shaking.
Today I learned I cannot trust my heart to keep quiet. When the shit storm formed in the sky over my head I spoke what I felt. I let the pride slip away, the sobs over take me, the clutched hands of mine unfurl and let my heart speak the truth. It was not a truth some wanted to hear. It was not a truth I was ready to let my mind hear, though my heart knew it had to yell it as loud as it could.
Today I learned I cannot trust my heart to keep quiet…
So right now I am feeling more inclined towards a heterosexual relationship. This, despite a recent possible bi connection. There may be an age issue here, in that I am much older now, and also a longing for companionship. Things in common can bring people together so much. Sometimes its uncanny how much you can have in common with a person when both older. The passing of time and many experiences can bring a wealth of wisdom and maturity. A longing for peace in the Autumn of my life. To gently go through the seasons with laughter and quality of life and what good health and time is remaining. Being in similar financial positions is a sensible consideration and a plus and just being able to relax together.
Wondering if I am just being lazy and would drift into something cos it is easy? Have to be careful here. The possible bi connection was fraught with anxiety and tension, and, from me at least, uncertainty, coming as it has almost out of the blue and so so late in my life. I mean, why now?.Jeez, 30 years ago I woulda jumped on her! Ha ha. Not now. Been there, seen it, done it. Reluctant to return. Afraid of the hurt. I need calm, and time to contemplate.
Maybe I would just like a male primary partner again, there is, for me, a sense of being protected in this, something I was used to for a long time. Like the main life was the home and finances sorted and anything else was an extra. I haven't felt like being with just a woman for a long time now. There is also the issue of 'what is love?'. Different things to different people, different feelings at different ages. Different needs that need to be met at different stages in our lives. Growing old is not easy. Its great to still be here among the land of the living but age brings with it many challenges.
Much to ponder in my life at the moment. Nice to have shy's to acknowledge my past and possible future. Thanks Ladies for being here. x
I hadn't thought about her for a long time. In fact, I thought that I finally got her out of my head. And then I had a dream about her. I dreamt that I was out grabbing lunch somewhere, and for some reason I ran into her mom. Her mom was excited to see me, and invited me to sit with her, saying that her daughter would be there soon. As if I didn't know who her daughter was. She introduced us. "Do you guys know each other?" Of course I knew her. How could I not? I played it off nonchalantly, "Yeah, we've met before." She had brought her new girlfriend with her. They kissed. And while I was devastated, I was also happy. Happy that she was no longer denying the fact that she liked women, and was being true to herself. While we were sitting there eating lunch, her mom was beaming from ear to ear, happy to see her daughter so happy. And in one of those moments, I was looking at her and thought "She's going to be my wife." The same thought has flashed through my mind with friends who ended up marrying their then boyfriends or girlfriends. My intuition isn't wrong about those things. I really wish I hadn't had that dream, because now I can't stop thinking about her again. I actually wish that I had never met her in the first place. But at the same time, a small, irrational, and hopelessly romantic piece of me hopes that my dream will come true.
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