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In about 5 days it will be 6 months since my husband left me for another woman after only 3 weeks of having an affair with her and being very open about trying to decide between her and me. I never thought that this would happen to us. But she didn't want an open relationship and he didn't want to give her up and probably figured I'd be still there when he gets bored with her....
He slept with me twice after starting his monogamous relationship with her. And at some point I realize that he wouldn't stop sleeping with me. That he would turn me into his secret mistress. I moved out and worked on the separation agreement he insisted on having. She asked me to divorce him and at first I refused to. When we signed the separation agreement about a month ago, I told him I'd be okay with the divorce as long as he pays for it. He started crying and said he didn't want to get divorced. He says he still loves me. He told me to stay amazing. He told me he was sorry that he was such a monster and that he regrets hurting me. I think his relationship is doomed as long as he doesn't look at his demons and works on his issues, but it is not my problem anymore. I have come a long way in the last 6 months.
It has been about 6 months since I attempted suicide twice. It has been about 4 months since I last felt suicidal. My therapist helped, friends and family helped, a new partner helped. I didn't think I'd be happy again. He was the love of my life, my biggest passion, my soul mate. There was just a black hole in front of me, but like a beacon in a stormy night something new emerged and let me to better shores.
In about 10 days it will be 4 months since I said yes to this new relationship. My partner is my still-husband's best friend. He still is. He told me he had always loved me about 2 weeks after my husband left. He was there supporting me with no expectations and lots of love. I don't think I have ever seen a love that burns as bright and as steady as his and is as unconditional at the same time. I had never even looked at him in that way - he was my husband's best friend and as that for me not even a potential sex partner (I don't have sex with close friends). Now I realize: I love him too. It is not the passion I felt before, it is more like a plant, slowly but surely growing into a strong tree. We just fit. We have similar ideas and wishes about the future and honesty and self-development. We both love sex, we both love making each other smile. It feels more mature than anything I ever had before. We already live together and it just feels right. He is bisexual too. His last relationship was with a man and he said he didn't expect to ever be with a woman again. He is very monogamous, so there won't be an open relationship. But he is up for threesomes if we find the right third (but we are not looking, really, it doesn't seem important) and he is okay with a girl one night stand for me if I need that down the road.
Surprisingly, 6 months after the end of my life I feel happier and more fulfilled than ever before. I feel stronger and more sure of myself. Sometimes I wonder how I got here. It feels like I am in a new life that pretends to always have been like that. As if I switched into a parallel universe, a parallel life. I still feel like the universe meant for me and my husband to be together, but it now feels like I had a task, that I had to get my husband to the point where he is now, confronting himself and feeling consequences of his actions for the first time in his life. My task is over and the universe let me be free. And I got rewarded for my hard work...
Hello my dears,
As it turns out, I am alive. Didn't actually think I'd come back to ShyBi (went on hiatus for quite some time, came back for a hot second, then disappeared again), but I randomly made a reappearance. I'm kind of sad to see that most of my friends here have signed off, quite possibly for good, but I get that. Life happens on and off of the computer screen, and this place was very comforting when I was a wee freshman and sophomore in college, still figuring out things about myself. It's a lovely environment.
Oh, by the way, I graduated college It's hard to believe it's been four years [i still don't really believe it, and probably won't until I a) have a job and my own place or b) once the school year starts for everyone else, and not me, for the first time in years]. I must say, I'm proud of myself. I put a lot of work in, made a lot of self-discoveries and friends (including people on here), and got in some practice at being an adult, as well as some time to goof off and do stupid/crazy things (climbing walls, going atop quad buildings to stargaze, and walking in winds so harsh you could lean against them and not fall over).
In the meantime, I'm living with my parents. I really wanted to get out of here, have a job, and get my own place by the time graduation came, but that didn't happen. So far, though, it's kind of nice to be home. I don't have a job yet, but I also don't have to pay for rent or food yet, and if I do pay for something, it's usually not much. Job searching, however, is... wow. I've applied to over 100 positions now. Out of the six interviews I've had, only one place made an offer, which was good, but it was only part-time and $9/hour. Definitely something one can't live off of, even when sharing an apartment with people. Another one, which I kind of applied for, but not (since it was hooked up through a friend), was offered to me, but after some deliberation and talk with others, I decided not to take it (part-time for the summer only, and $16/hour. Not bad, especially for a broke college kid, but not for a recent graduate paying for rent, utilities, and groceries). It's a little hard to not feel discouraged after all of this, but I'll keep going at it. I'm really hoping for a writing or library job, but I'm open to other things, so long as it's not a dead end.
Let's see, what else... I officially came out to (nearly) everyone via Facebook this past October for Bisexual Visibility Day. I received a lot of love from my friends and some family members online. Unfortunately (or fortunately, since it needed to happen), some of my Facebook relatives have big mouths and are fairly gossipy. My parents, who are not on FB, found out two days later, and lectured me/chewed me out for doing it/saying that. If you've read my past posts about coming out to my mom, I believe this makes it my third time coming out to her. She still didn't believe me. It was my dad's first time hearing it. He didn't speak to me for over a month.
It all got straightened out (and by that, I mean arguing and mutually and silently agreeing not to talk about it), but I did become very emotional and suicidal during that time. The suicidal thing still comes to mind, now and again, if I'm being honest, but I'm doing much better now.
Also, I have a partner, now. He's a very sweet person, and very kind to me We've been together for over a year. And yes, he knows I'm bisexual, and he's okay with it. However, it seems he doesn't want to share haha. That's alright, since I do care about him deeply. Fortunately, we both want to live in the same city once we have jobs, so we'll still be able to get together and cuddle. The long-distance thing is working for now, but we're both eager to get back in the swing of things, relationship-wise and otherwise.
He's also been very supportive over the past year. Through my coming out, through my suicidal emotions, through my bouts of anxiety, my revealing my sexual assault and past abusive situations (well, I haven't chosen to elaborate, yet), and just putting up with my weirdness, stubbornness, and pervertedness :3 He gives me a lot of advice, even though he's only a few months older than me. The latest piece of advice is to open my mind and take into consideration everything I've been taught, but to question things and start forming my own thoughts and concepts (rather than believing everything the teacher's said). He's one heck of a critic and quite the realist, but he's wonderful and he cares, and I hope we stay together for a while.
So, what am I doing now? Well, beside looking for jobs, I finally got my license and I'm driving my elders around (and they love it. Hello, Ms. Daisy!). I'm also reading for fun (something that's been nearly lost on me since I began college... because there's so much class reading!), which I'm happy about. Also just trying to write more, and explore more. But since I'm trying to keep the blog I'm maintaining "professional" with clear-cut posts that are critical and kind of activist-y, I'll save my personal thoughts and journal-type stuff for here (and I guess someone likes reading this. My blog here has over 4,000 views! Wow!). But I do hope my ramblings help someone, somehow. Otherwise, I'm just getting my thoughts out, which is still good.
I think that's all for now. It's almost 1am here, so I think it's about time I went to bed. I'll be back to write more later. Thanks for reading!
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Hey to you all out there on Shy's..
I am hoping some of you might remember me, I haven't been on a long long time.. but I hope to be back on and posting more... To all those who are new to the board since I decided to take my long break, ~waves- Hi, it's nice to see you all, look forward to chatting to you all and getting to know you..
I have been away for a while for a few reasons.. I needed time to be able to really move on from my ex.. This site whilst very supportive was also not at times the best place to be when you are feeling low and down.. For those of you who have read my profile and my previous blogs would know all about my ex.. and I am so happy to finally say.. I am very much over her now and finally have moved on.. No more tears and no more heartache.. It was about November 2014 that I decided to finally just move on.. I looked at her facebook account for the first time in forever and realized that I was no longer in love with her.. That seeing her stuff with her girlfriend wasn't hurting me anymore.. I will still be hurt by what happened and how it all happened, but I'm no longer in an angry or sad place with it all now.. Everything happens for a reason and I think I really needed that break away from here to finally be able to give myself a chance to move on and let it all go.
What have I been doing? Been doing a lot with myself, mainly working and spending time with family and friends. I not only have a 4 year old niece but now a one year old nephew which both have completely stolen my heart. I have also had a few medical issues the last year, and been hospitalized a few times over the last twelve months. Things are a bit more stable now, but there is a possibility for major surgery coming in the next 12 or so months perhaps.. Hope we can avoid it, but I think we are just delaying the inevitable now I think... Going to be strong and try to not let it worry me too much and just keep smiling and shining the best I can and be as positive as I can be.
I have also been reading a lot and writing a lot of fan fics and concentrating on writing a lot as I would love to become an author one day... or a journo or just someone who writes something, whether it be literature or even articles etc.. Writing has become a great passion of mine and I love it.
I honestly can't wait to get back on here and posting.. I wasn't sure where to post to make it known I was back, so I thought a blog would be a great way of doing it.
It's been an interesting year of getting back in the dating game. My baby just turned 17 and I am stuck with all this free time. I use it to catch up with old friends and meet new ones. Actually made a really good friend that I go to the city and chill on a dating site.
I went on dates while the whole time befriending someone who was moving out from her husband and wants to date women again (call her A) I had no intentions but to be a friend to her fast forward 5 months she is about to close on her own place and wants to go on a date. I'm dating someone (p) at the time but nothing serious so I agree. I hit it off with both girls I am dating but one relationship has kinda stalled but she still flirts. Weird she talks to me after bailing me out date 3 but fucking awesome!
So P bails me out then stalls. Meanwhile A listens to my shit and doesn't bat an eye. According to her people make mistakes and I make up for it in too many ways. So I found two gems each with some minor baggage.
I let it play out as A fell in love with me and P kinda held me at a distance. It never got to another date with P. A has made it important to include me in her new life. It's super new to me to be adored. I am pretty sure how it plays out but only time will tell
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So.....I went to my first bi meetup on 28th April. Was soooooo nervous, especially the last half an hour before arriving. I couldn't figure why I was so nervous. I went to a meetup before and I wasn't as nervous. It's just another opportunity to meet new people. Maybe it's a debut as a bi in public. It certainly easier talking about it with new people. I had a lovely time, chit-chatting away. Certainly made it all more real and than in my head.
Since then, I've told two other people that I am bi.....a friend and a work mate. They were great about it and said it didn't matter to them. Nothing much has changed.
I've also joined up local meetup group.....lesbian/bi's. Been to the pub with them. Wasn't as nervous as the first meetup. Most of the members are lesbians and talked about their past girlfriends etc. Honestly, felt a bit awkward.....like the character from 'The 40 year old virgin'. LOL. I'd read a thread about negative experience from lesbians....so was also bit nervous about that. But as the night went on, that awkwardness/nervousness quickly disappeared. It was a really fun night and the ladies were lovely. Looking forward to the next night out.
At work, we have a LGBT network. Been going to a couple of event arranged by them and there is a summer party in June which I will be going.
The next time I visit my sister, who was the first person I've told, she's going to come with me to a gay bar.
Feeling so much better now and not confused anymore. Not sure what's next......but definitely happy to go with flow and see what happens next.
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So here I am fours years on this site. Most of that time I've been absent, not an active member, partly because I found the woman of my dreams, the love of my life here..... Or so I thought.
Oct 2012 I met bibunny on this very site. An instant connection, similar circumstances. Innocent comments turned into everyday messaging, even tho we were on opposite sides of the ocean with a six hour time difference. We would talk for hours everyday whenever we could. It wasn't long before I fell for her. Everything about her I loved, all her little quirks, her imperfections, just made her perfect to me.
We met up in person with our husbands in Jan 2014 in Cuba. She was everything and more. After being with her I knew that I wanted to be with her and only her. I thought she felt the same. In April and May that year we had both split from our husbands.
We wanted to be together. We had plans of her moving over to England to be with me as her kids were older while mine are still so very young. I was consumed by her, I loved her so much every inch of me ached.
Aug 2014 she came to England for a holiday, it was perfect. Some of the best days and nights of my life. When it came time for her to leave it broke my heart. I should have realised at the airport her lack of tears, of emotion that maybe I didn't mean as much to her as I thought I did.
Things seemed great, talking on the phone every day. Talking of our love for each other, how we missed each other. I wanted so badly to be with her all the time.
I booked a holiday to Canada to visit her March 2015. I'm not sure exactly when but some time before this I had noticed a change in her, no talk of future plans together. I asked her to marry me bought her the diamond ring, but she said she couldn't make that kind of commitment. It tore me up inside when I asked her if her plans had changed and she admitted she couldn't leave Canada.
I went in the March told her it was ok, we'd be OK as we were, gave her the ring no expectations just love.
It was a great trip, some amazing memories made.
I return home. Now I'm not saying it was all ok Inbetween cause I did have a few wobbles where I told her I couldn't do it anymore if we were never going to be together. But each time the thought of living without her was unbearable. It came as such a shock when she dumped me in June 2015.
It was for my own good, she said she wanted me to be happy. To be honest I wasn't happy a lot of the time we were together but that was because I wanted to be near the woman I loved, is that so wrong?
It felt like she had taken all the air out of my lungs, punctured my heart. How could the woman I love who loves me do this? Was it not breaking her heart. I got angry, upset, hysterical, I cried, I begged, I pleaded but to no avail. She had made her mind up this was for the best and she was only doing it because she loved me.
Weeks passed I cried, I was a mess and everyone could see it but she couldn't, she was across an ocean feeling she had done the right thing. I begged her for another chance but she stuck to her guns.
I turned my anger, my upset into something uncontrollable, I became reckless, carefree, kissing, sleeping with whoever just to feel but none of it worked. I wanted her, I loved her like no one else. She was/is the love of my life. But in losing her I lost me.
I'm sat here May 2016 nearly a year since we broke up and I still miss her like crazy, still love her like crazy, still hope she might want me one day, realise she fucked up. But she's off having a life moving in with her gf after only a few months and I ask myself " was it the distance and circumstance that caused us to break up? Or was it simply that she wasn't that into me?" If I had been in her position I would have moved heaven and earth to keep her. She is a beautiful amazing woman. The love of my life without doubt. But she broke my heart and made me a different person, cynical to love, harder higher walls around my heart that she still holds but can't fool no more.
Hearing her, seeing her and I'm falling all over again. Wish she wasn't so damn perfect to me.
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This is the theme to one of my favorite films (of the same name). Starring Richard Dreyfuss & Marsha Mason. The lyrics express how I feel.
All your life you've waited
For love to come and stay
And now that I have found you
You must not slip away
I know it's hard believing
The words you've heard before
But darlin', you must trust them
Just once more
'Cause, baby, goodbye doesn't mean forever
Let me tell you, goodbye doesn't mean
We'll never be together again
If you wake up and I'm not there
I won't be long away
'Cause the things you do my goodbye girl
Will bring me back to you
I know that you've been taken
Afraid to hurt again
You fight the love you feel for me
Instead of givin' in
But I can wait forever
For helpin' you to see
That I was meant for you
And you for me
So remember, goodbye doesn't mean forever
Let me tell you, goodbye doesn't mean
We'll never be together again
Though we may be so far apart
You still will have my heart
So forget your past my goodbye girl
'Cause now you're home at last
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Sometimes in the middle of the nothingness we forget that nothing can be the greatest freedom. When there are no limitations, to safety nets to cling to, no more fear of loss, there can be the beginnings of something wildly and honestly new.
When the new is embraced as a vision, as a truth, as an inevitability worth fighting for, the obstacles mean less, and the fear fades. Doubt fades.
And when the apex is reached, you start to understand how good it can feel to stand at the apex. Also, how humbling.
This is an apex. It feels like the first in a very long time, but it will not be the last.
And this: to look within and find the flaws, and deride one's self because of them is not growth. It is only a slow, self imposed death, but to look within one's self and see the flaws as half formed qualities waiting to be refined by the touch of self-mastery, then we are only just beginning to plan our own growth.
All the best.
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While I have loved the time I have spent on here, I need a break from it again. A lot has been going on in life and I need to pay more attention to the important people in my life, including myself. It seems that I spend too much time on social media. (Here and tumblr) I want to get back to learning more about myself and enjoy nature. Also, I want to focus on getting healthy again. For me, part of getting healthy is getting away from social media for a while. Not sure how long I will be gone from here. Though, I do promise it won't be a year like last time. I need this. For those of who want to stay in contact, message me and we can exchange phone numbers or something. It's time for a clensing or maybe a better word is recharge. I just wrote a poem that came out of nowhere, so here it is.
Let It Go
Let it go, all of it.
the one’s who don’t appreciate who I am
Let it go, all of it.
the unused space
the excess of negative thoughts
the excess of negative people
Let it go, all of it.
the reminders of what I don’t have
the time I spent pinning over what I can’t have
the lack of sleep from ruminating over what I can’t change
Let it go, all of it.
the what if’s
the I can’ts
the I won’ts
Let it go, all of it.
I won't say bye, because this isn't that kind of post. This is see ya soon.
Just going to copy my night of threesome fun into my blog to keep it somewhere for reading fun. It was an epic post that since I took all that time to write, I'm blogging it too.
This was my first entry in that thread:
(April 19, 2016)
Yeah, I know the title sounds a bit confusing, but it's not really. My girlfriend and I have an arrangement with our husbands where we are letting them in on our relationship sexually, but separately. If you have read any of my previous threads about our experiences, you may remember that when she and I first started dating, she floated the idea of a threesome with her husband and I shot it down. She stayed on it and we eventually decided to let her husband watch us have sex for a birthday present. This expanded to letting my husband do the same, but we settled on doing it at separate times. We did this by getting hotel rooms next to each other, going into one, then the other. I know it sounds kind of corny because it was so planned, but it worked for us and the guys enjoyed it and we had fun.
This evolved into another situation, but this time was not planned. After our New Years Eve party this year, we somehow got to talking about giving our guys blow jobs and they were into it, so yada yada yada, we gave the guys BJ sandwiches, this time we would suck off one husband at a time, but with the other husband watching while we took turns. It was very hot and erotic.
That led to arranging a threesome night, back at the same hotel at the casino that we went to last time, and we are keeping the same arrangements. Two rooms, one husband at a time, this time we screw each other silly. So my girlfriend and I are really getting two threesomes out of this. Really getting excited writing about it even. It's set for this weekend, going to a ballgame, gambling in the casino, then going to the rooms. My guess is that just like last time, we won't spend much time at the casino and will go up to the room quickly. So that's our plan for a four person threesome in a manner that only Keiko can plan. If it's like all of our other interactions, it should go fine.
Now I'll skip ahead to the actual night. I'm a planner and it went a little off my plan, but I'm OK with it (Entry 2):
(April 23, 2016)
OK, it's been a few days since this wild night happened, but just now finding time post it. We had a night of baseball, gambling, and group sex arranged for awhile, and finally went through with it on Saturday night. The game was a snoozer, so we left early and went to the the casino. That was kind of a flop as well, because I lost most of my husbands and my money at the craps table. I was on a roll and then lost and lost and lost. So that ended early too and we got up to the rooms by 1100pm. Not a good omen for the night, but still had hope for the threesome finale.
We got up to the rooms and my husband and I went to our room and my girlfriend and her hubby went to theirs. The plan was for her to give us a few minutes and then come over to our room and us three would have a threesome and then I'd go to her room to return the favor. We hear a knock and I answer, and yes, it's my gf AND her husband. He said he wanted to be a spectator and surprisingly my husband was OK with it. A change in Keiko's plans, but hey, why not, the guys watched when we gave the BJ sandwiches last winter, so there is presedence.
I approached my husband and began to kiss him while pushing him down onto the bed, then my gf and I went immediately for his waistband and I undid his belt and pulled down his pants and briefs to reveal his very hard cock. I motioned to her and she took it into her mouth as I took off the rest of his clothes, kissing his body as I did. I got him completely naked and then went down to where my gf was giving him a very hot BJ and joined in on the fun. As I was taking him in my mouth he started undressing me, after he got me completely naked, I became keenly aware that this was the first time my gf hubby had ever seen me completely naked, he'd seen my breasts before because I'm a flasher, but never completely, and this was arrousing to me. My husband and I then laid my girlfriend on the bed and together took her clothes off. After getting her nakkie, I began kissing her lips, then down to her breasts and at the same time my husband began to lick her pussy as she moaned. I went back to kissing her as my husband licked her and this was very sensuous having my tongue in her mouth as she moaned to the movement of my hubbys tongue in her. Then it was very new and hot to see my husband rise up and slowly place his dick into my gf. I kissed her breasts and back to her mouth all the while watching this amazing action between those two, so exciting as two worlds collided. He screwed her and came while doing it. He stood up and I laid down on my girl and we made out as I roughly (because I was still so excited) placed my fingers in her pussy and had my turn with her.
After a little of girl time, we both looked up and motioned her husband over to the bed. He came over and we sat up on the edge of the bed. His pants were unbuckled because I assume he was jacking off watching the first round with my hubby. We yanked his Pants down exposing his bulge in his tight undies, and I love my husband and am 100% happy with him emotionally and sexually, but my gf's hubby has a very impressive, big cock. My husband has a normal size cock (I have experienced my share in my life) that is beautiful but her husbands cock is just kind of abnormally massive. So it was exciting to me to see this bulging through and was like opening a present on Christmas Day as I pulled his briefs down. I'm quivering a bit now just as I relate this moment. Anyway, since my husband was watching, I respectfully did not gasp as his penis rolled out of his briefs, but I was excited. We started sucking on his penis as he stood and she took the rest of his clothes off. She stood behind him rubbing her hands all over his nude body, kissing his ears and neck as I continued to take his cock into my mouth, or try to take it all in. He then gently pushed me back onto the bed and went down on me. I was on the side of the bed, he was leaning over with his knees on the floor, licking me as my gf worked her way down to his cock, while laying on the floor and continued to suck on him as he sucked on me. He then stood up, to enter me and my gf stood up, and this was cool, grabbed his dick with her hand, and guided it into my pussy and OMG! It was fantastic. I have been with a lot of guys, and women, but more guys than women, and this was by far the biggest guy I've had in me. It was f'n awesome and just different. He shoved that thing in and out of me so hard and he was so big, it was very different and I loved it. She was French kissing me as he came inside me and I moaned and screamed slightly almost biting her tongue. He pulled out and my gf went down to take him into her mouth, which was cool, because I'm sure both of our tastes were on him at that time and something I wish I would have done to my husband after he pulled out of her, but I didn't think of it. But it was a good ending to it.
My husband came over and cuddled up with me rubbing his hands up and down my body as we all four kind of sat there naked and actually talked about what just happened, everyone seemed pleased. It was a blast. Probably more happened then I related, but it's hard to remember everything, so I just gave you what I really remembered the most. We got dressed and had a beer or two, me and my gf had a little make out session as she sat on my lap in a chair, but we were dressed and the guys were into a movie and somewhat ignored us as we made out, but we were fine with it.
They went back to their room and my huband and I laid in bed talking about what we had did that night and we both just kind of fell asleep talking. I did wake up to him sticking his dick in me though and we had another good round of action before breakfast. I'm sure he woke aroused from what had happened the night before.
We all had breakfast together and since we drove together, we had a lot to talk about on the ride home although not much of it was about the threesomes. But it was good and sweet, my gf and I cuddled in the back seat all the way home as the guys listened to the game on the radio. She had been wanting this for awhile, probably the first day she found out I was bisexual she brought up having a threesome with her husband. This is something she really wanted for him, and later for me, and just the way she held me tight on the way home made me realize she was satisfied that it finally happened. I imagine we will all get together again, but it's a fine line when others get involved and I need to be very careful to only rarely let my two worlds collide. It's a new direction in my relationship with my husband and gf, so I hope we all handle it well, I think it will.
Full thread here, and thank you:
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Woke up early this morning to a peaceful " what is usually a hustling and tumultuous day" with only
the sounds of nature . The beautiful spring breeze rustling through the falling leaves , moving them along
to make room for more , the different species of tropical birds basking in the beautiful light of day.
To many a somber mood ,no TVs no loud conversations or music , or even an engine idling .It is as though
everything stood still for good long while . It made me think of how beautiful it is to give way to any problem
or, reason not to smile and enjoy that breath of life we are fortunate to have .
Walking down a back road I stared at a very old tree , it was twisted, and bent over into the river almost
as though it was drinking from it ,the first thing that came to mind was how long this tree has been around and with
only the helpful hands of nature it continued to grow and live so many years with out a soul coming by to water
it or care for it . There are times when all one needs is a little to gain a lot , much like the trees we can become strong
often times fighting storms and heavy winds and remaining stable. Growing more and more wiser to things that life
hands us .It's like a saying I was taught " Old is the wind but it stills blows" .
This weekend many will pay their respects in their own way , and cherish what this humble holiday means to them
others may go about it in a normal manner. All in all I can truly say I enjoy the true sound of serenity that lead me to write
this blog , and no matter what unforeseen dilemma invades your tranquility ..know you are stronger and wiser than that problem
cares to be , drink from the waters that quench the thirst you long , and above all cherish your serenity.
Happy Easter to all *Hugs*
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It's pretty surreal to be creating a blog post about something I've kept very personal in my life up until this point. But I've promised to start to be honest with myself, and I can't do that if I keep everything contained.
I guess I'll start with the when. I've always known there was something different about me. It was hard to place my finger on it, other than a feeling of "otherness" in almost every social situation. I've described it to myself as not being on the same "wavelength" as others, or feeling like I don't have anything in common with those around me.
I've always suffered from social anxiety, but now I'm starting to wonder if that isn't more of a symptom of my confusion around my sexual identity.
When my friends asked "why aren't you dating" or "what's your type", I'd always deflect by saying that I'm focusing on myself first. Building a career, as a strong, independent, single woman. Intelligence, and someone I connect with, was my type. But inside, I really had no concept of what I really wanted. Instead I only had a vague understanding that I was simply destined to be alone forever. Resigned to the fact that I wasn't meant for relationships, because it has been so hard for me to connect with people before.
But my life has been filled with close female friends. And while these have never been romantic, these relationships have been meaningful to me. And honestly, have allowed me to stay single for as long as I have.
I've actively run from advances from guys. Good guys. Attractive guys. Guys that any straight girl would have been head over heels for. Yet still, I didn't acknowledge the truth.
And over the past couple months, unexpected events have forced me to reflect on my entire life, and everything that matters. I've looked through photos of my childhood, read through high school yearbooks, thought about lifetime friendships and romances. And the realization of my sexuality (or ambiguity of it) hit me like a ton of bricks. Honestly, I'm shocked it wasn't more obvious to me before.
The truth is, sex is in general is a foreign concept to me. I've spent so much of my life single, my sexual inexperience is truly one of my biggest insecurities and mysteries. I really have no idea what I'm actually attracted to.
My whole life, I have fantasized about the idea of men, but without ever having found a man in real life that I've felt a deep emotional connection to, always been disappointed in the physical. Meanwhile, so much of my life has revolved around friendships with women, which have been emotionally fulfilling, but not something I have thought about sexually. I wish I could say that I've fantasized or had crushes on the women in my life, but that's also not true.
I'm definitely feeling pretty lost right now. I feel like I've had this huge epiphany in my life that changes everything. But nothing has really changed, and I've only created more questions. A weight has been lifted from my shoulders, but I'm still just as lost as before.
I've got a pretty long journey ahead, through unchartered, terrifying territory. But I guess it says something that for the first time ever, I'm optimistic about my future? And however uncomfortable or awkward putting myself out there right now is, it will hopefully be worth it?
After a massive day and a heap of reflection, I'll probably end blogging as quickly as I started, for the reason that I've got a mountain to climb, and I can only do that when I quieten my inner, and outer, voice...
So I will leave blogging for now and end with this:
Who would have thought that in the process of falling in love with someone different, that I'd become one?
Who would have thought the saying 'you can't help who you fall in love with' would mean 'the self'. Cyclical: starting out with someone different and ultimately ending with, you guessed it, me. Finding out the person you became is the one you love.
May we not compare others yet live in gratitude of difference.
May our hearts be filled with self-love, and be over flowing with joy when we see love in others.
May we pick others up and not look upon them with scorn or jealousy.
May the love in our hearts grow to the point we no longer feed the darkness.
Heartlove, one love. Blessing and Namaste.
... Now I can go back to climbing that mountain
My life has changed so much in the past months. I not only started dating a female for the first time but I also married her. It all happened so quickly and I often wondered did I do the wrong thing. I love her, but do I really love her like she deserves to be loved. I've had other thoughts recently and she was well aware and supportive. However in the back of my mind something just wasn't right. The plans I had in my mind were interrupted because of my over emotional rants which is a downfall of me in a pregnancy. The following day the children and I were behind my wife in a vehicle as she was on her motorcycle. The kids were arguing as usual....and as I was about to say something to them a car pulled out in front of my wife. I had no clue in those seconds what the outcome would be. I've never had feelings like I did that day. Each phone call, each text, the doctors and nurses all giving me information on her care....it's all a blur now. Fortunately a broken arm and road rash was the extent of her injuries. The road rash is more serious than one would think. Finding sand and even small rocks in her skin is not easy to deal with even for this former nurse. I feel like a horrible parent because my parents are keeping the children so I can take care of her and of myself and the Twins I'm expecting. I've wondered, has all of this happened to bring us closer together after me having other thoughts? It has definitely made me think and made me realize I do have the most amazing wife. She loves me despite my faults and failures. She loves my children unconditionally as she loves her own. Why would I even consider wanting anything more? As I think about this with tears in my eyes, I can't help but laugh at her and her stubbornness. She's mine, hard head and all.
Watching Lord of the Rings and poor Legolas. No one ever listens to his gorgeous bitchass-face.
They're in Moria - a place where THEY KNEW THERE'S TERRIFYING THINGS IN THE DARK, and Legolas tells them, "We cannot linger."
They hear him and think, 'Well fuck it, let's linger here. At least until someone wakes up all of the orcs and then we can have an epic battle and nearly have the ring bearer murdered.'
Then later Legolas tells them, "Yo dawgs, we need to not be on this island, because something evil is here and I'm like thousands of years old and you gais should listen to me."
to which Aragorn says,
"There will be a time when I will take your logical advice,"
and then later BOROMIR DIES. MY SWEET CONFLICTED GORDOR MAN IS DEAD. FHACK.
But that's not the main topic of this post. I'm just watching the movie now and can't shut up about it. The main topic of this post relates to my previous post - which was about February and about staying positive that February wasn't going to behave like the previous ones and be a pile of kangaroo dildos.
Well, I tried.
First - one of my best, most trusted friends ended their friendship with me on the 5th. I've buried the pain of that for another time. I'll shatter if I have to sort through that bombardment of emotion.
Then, while I was still feeling awful about that, I did manage to get a job with someone kind and trustworthy.
However, shortly after that, my rat Jadzia, pictured in my previous post, passed away and I can't begin to tell you how much it hurts to acknowledge that. She was my little baby, and it was so sudden and without explaination that she died and burying her in my garden was one of the hardest things to do. Hopefully my tears enriched the soil or some magical shit, because there were a lot of tears that day.
Then it led to the realization that my last rat, Luna, was all alone without any friends. I felt awful and so did she. She took refuge in her coconut and wouldn't take food out of my hands anymore. She hardly made a peep and I want you to keep that bit of information in mind for later in this post because I'll be unleashing some heavy bullshit on you.
About a week later, I was able to afford getting her two new friends - named Percy and Bella.
Bella is short for Bellatrix because one of those little rats is fucking insane.
I've never seen a rat try to chew metal, my fingers, and the very cardboard carry box they came in BUT HOLY SHIT GIRL YOU NEED TO CALM DOWN. She chewed her way out of the carry box the first day I got her. Got loose in the car and my mom was like wtfiswrongwithyouyaneedjeezus
She even managed to give me the slip. I opened the cage door to play with Luna and to start socializing myself with the new babies and she did a damn MLG montage worthy, Mission Ratpossible escape from the cage and was loose in my closet for at least 20 minutes before I realized that something was afoot. Got her back and have had a close eye on her since.
The moment Luna saw Bella however (we were transporting her in the vehicle with us), she left her coconut and was happy for the first time in over a week. I felt like a weight of sadness was lifted; seeing my super inquisitive, energetic Luna become so depressed that she would hardly move for days was terrible.
Now, now, ready for a trip up bullshit mountain? Well strap right in; we've got refreshments and Pauly Shore. Wait no, no, come back!
After Jadzia died, I had to leave the house for several days. This would've meant leaving Luna all alone for 4 to 5 days. Without a playmate, without human stimiulation. It's not something I could ever, ever do, and I called up my brother & sister-in-law to ask him if I could bring her with me to their house.
Mind you, they have two (non-aggressive) dogs, and a super old cat. And when I say old? I mean, every time I show up over the house and I see that he's still alive, I'm amazed. I'm like, "Whoa! He's still here? Damn strong cat food you've got there. I need the recipe."
They have a room I can keep Luna in, and she'd be the most quiet thing they've ever had in the house.
I bring Luna over, but I can tell, that my relatives think it's difficult... to have a super depressed animal, in a portable cage, in a closed room. Apparently. They don't come out an say it, but I know they think I'm silly for being so compassionate to a rat. They haven't quite escaped the belief that rats are pests and/or strange pets and what I'm doing is the equivalent (in their minds) of weeping over a dead fish.
One of the days that I'm there, my nephew finally meets Luna and says how much he likes and wants to play with her. He even says that if I have to leave her that he'd watch/feed her. I feel much better about the situation with Luna staying in the house afterwards. I mean, that's fucking support right there!
Couple days later, I have to help with my disabled sibling's doctor's appointment. AND IT'S HELL ON EARTH. Getting yourself ready for a visit is one thing. Getting someone ready (bed bathing, and everything hygiene) at a house that's not your own, for someone that's disabled is flippin' difficult beyond belief. To put that into perspective - we started getting ready at 9am. To leave at 3pm. AND WERE ALMOST LATE. It's a special, stressful hell that no one in our family truly understands (and how could they?), and as we were leaving, to realized something unfortunate.
The plan was to take everything with us (because we live over an hour away from the relatives) and after the doctor's visit, to go home and unpack everything. However, if I were to take Luna with me I would have to leave her for two hours in a hot car once I went into the building to assist in the visit.
Two hours in a hot car = super dead rat, 100% my fault.
So, I made the decision in the middle of a clusterfuck of unimagineable stress to leave Luna (with full water and food) at my relative's house. Also, in the stress the windows were left open. Nephew would've shown up about, an hour or so after we left, so we left fresh cooked food for everyone as well.
Apparently everything we did was a bit of a problem.
I could already tell that they didn't care for the rat, but having to leave her again made them stressed. And the windows. They were worried about the windows, and it's fairly understandable concern right?
I we be, if they didn't do the same thing ALL THE TIME. They've gone to sleep, with their sliding glass door unlocked. A door, I'd like to state LEADS DIRECTLY INTO THEIR ROOM. They've left the front windows open at midnight. 80% of the time I'm the 'paranoid one' closing windows and locking doors when they've been left open.
As for the food, they thought it wasn't for them, because it was... left on a stove?
idk wtf their reasoning was.
We forgot to call them and explain in the middle of heart attack inducing stress, and when I got home, I crashed completely.
I woke up and heard my mom speaking to them, and listening to their carefully worded complaints.
"Just let us know the next time," equals, "YO, WTF IS THIS RAT?" but stated sweetly.
THEN I HEAR SOME SERIOUS BULLSHIT. Like, bullshit that stole my breath away.
My nephew- remember him? The one that said how much he loved the rat?
Said he didn't want the rat around him.
Because she made too much noise at night and kept him up.
I'll give you a moment to let that sink in.
So... you're telling me...
that a rat...
with no friends...
wallowing in depression...
hiding in a coconut endlessly, to the point...
that even I can't get her to come out...
AND I'M HER OWNER...
is making too much noise?
You sure there, buddy?
Apparently sitting in a small corner, not moving an inch sounds like bomb shells to him.
Seems like a 180 degrees of turnaround fuckery isn't it?
If I felt that Luna was unwelcomed with my nephew, I would've found another plan for her. Something, anything other than having a two-faced relative making me feel unwelcome and cumbersome to my family's household. I felt an intense rage for the fact that my mother and I are drowning in financial woes and dealing with the 24-hour care of a mentally and physically disabled person and they think leaving a window open is stressful.
They think a tiny rat is worrisome.
They think food left on the stove, still warm for them to eat, is worth complaining over.
Man, I hope they never have to deal with actual issues, because they'd be SCREWED.
I would love to have their problems. I would love to have the luxury of worrying over unimportant bullshit, but my life wasn't designed like that. My life was designed for stress and strife, and I'm fucking glad it is because after I've gone through all of this garbage, I'll be the most tough, intelligent, proud woman you've ever seen. All in all, this month was shit, but it's all good with me and I've got my pets to keep me mentally happy in the meantime.
I think I'll end this post on this good note and in a few days, post the rest. Because that's only a about half the month. Yeeehp. Only half. Next post will have very good personal news, artwork, and a little more bullshit (but it will be shorter, because damn the words got away from me).
All I have to say now that Feb is done and March is here,
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There are quite literally a million things I could say. There is so much I want to say, so much I want to tell, but I can't.
Honestly, I feel like the choices I have made will be the ones I regret in my future, whether in a year or ten years. I am so afraid of that, and yet, there is nothing I can really do to change it. I feel stuck. I feel alone. I feel like I want to rip my hair out and scream at the top of my lungs.
I will never be good enough for anyone. I am not good enough for my boyfriend (though he now claims I am); he told me after some prodding that I am unattractive to him lately because I have been overweight.
I will never be good enough for a girl for whom I care, because I broke her heart and don't deserve her, and I can't give her what she wants/needs, because I am insane and unable to do what I should. She is the one who said she loves me for me.
That seems like a no brainer. My boyfriend is just so emotionally unavailable, but he doesn't mean to be... I know parts of him really care, but I just wish I could see that, and believe it.
I need to be emotionally nurtured, and I am not getting that. Do you live the rest of your life that way because someone is your best friend and you have been with them for nine years? Or do you think beyond them, and look to others to make you feel...okay?
I have no idea, really, what I'm writing. I don't even know what I'm thinking. Like I said, I just want to rip my hair and scream.
I wish I was a normal person, who just likes what they like, and doesn't have to apologize for anything, and is just happy day to day. Why am I so effed up? I feel sick knowing that this is my life, this is what I have to look forward to until I'm gone, the lack of self-worth and the inability to do what is best/wanted most for me.
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A lot has happened since I last posted, Me and J got engaged in December when I was visiting her and then she came and spent Christmas with me and my family We are nearing the end of my K1 visa process and I'm hoping to move to be with her in May.
Hope everyone is well.
I am fully revved tonight, I don't really know why but I am. I sometimes have an unbelievable sex drive, one I think my energy level cannot keep up with. I know sometimes my husband cannot keep up with and it's not his fault really. I just want to do it over and over again until I'm so exhausted I fall asleep. I know that I'm on the verge of it now, like if I laid down I could go to sleep but damn it, I want more sex.
I want to wake up in the morning with her in my arms, tangled up in us both. Warm and cuddling. When his body cannot keep us warm, then my body will. I can kiss on her, do all sort of things to her body, until our moans wake him up. Then we can both feast on you while you simply just lie there and drown in the ecstasy. Then you can return the favor, and I can wriggle underneath both tongues. Then, while he is buried deep inside of me, I can be buried deep inside you. Over and over until at last he finally explodes inside of me. While he lays in a panting heap, I can continue to torture you, until we both collapse next to each other. Laying naked in our own sweat and trembling bodies. I want the room to smell like us, to share the experience but for you to know that you are mine alone. I want to sleep until the afternoon, then slowly move to take a shower with you. Washing and drawing your body into a deep relaxing haze. He would join only for a moment, to make sure that I was okay and that he knew how much he loved me until we stepped out. Making a naked line toward the bed, where I shall devour you until he finishes up in the shower. Where we shall begin again.
Over and over until the night has swallowed the world around us. Till pure exhaustion has taken over us.
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Only two weeks till I get to go and see N &K. N (the guy) and I are definitely closer, we have practically fallen for eachother, but I am hoping at least a close metamour friendship develops between K and I, and I known she feels the same, will see what happens.
Just want to hold N in my arms and have a big cuddle with him.
Amazing that I have fallen for a guy again, didn't expect it tbh as I longed more for a relationship with a woman.
I joined shys I'm September 2011. I joined not because I was confused or having an identity crisis. I was lonely. Sure, I had lots of friends (including my husband) that knew about my sexuality...but no one that could relate to it. Being an incredibly reserved person, I sometimes struggle with making new friends. So when I found an online forum with like-minded women I was really excited!
I quickly met lots of very interesting people, some of which I have the pleasure of still calling friends. I fell into a couple situations that weren't ideal for me and what I truly needed. I had some horrible experiences with people I trusted happen to me. I made lots of mistakes. With those mistakes I grew and started to figure out the person I wanted to be.
At the start of last year, I'd decided I was going to have a year about me. I wanted to do things for myself and focus on making me happy. I experienced things that had been on my dreams list. I traveled. I went out to concerts and theater productions. I spent time with my friends more. I started to come out of my shell.
It was during this year of self discovery that I met someone I immediately connected with. It happened innocently enough when we bonded over liking some of the same music. What followed was an immediate friendship and connection I had never experienced before. She was married, like me. Bisexual, like me. Sarcastic and kinda rude, like me. Sometimes it felt like I was talking into a mirror. She was going through a period of self discovery, too, and I was happy to support her through it. I knew I found a friend that would always be part of my life.
As time went on, feelings grew. We decided to see how we got along face to face. To say I was a jumble of nerves would be an understatement. All of that hesitation and nervousness melted away the second we kissed for the first time. For the first time in my life I was just relaxed and happy. While it wasn't immediate, I slowly began to accept the fact that I wasn't bisexual, but actually a lesbian (my husband and I are still grest friends). Having her be there for me during that time is something I'll never be able to thank her enough for.
As the months progressed, so did our relationship. Visits increased, as did our closeness. We met each others families. Things that I struggled in with every relationship prior - communication, being open about my feelings, having a willingness to commit - all just kinda came naturally. Things I swore I never wanted became things that I can now see as part of my life. I've joked in the past that she was everything I always needed, but everything I never wanted. She gets me. I get her. For the first time I feel like I've been living as my authentic self...having the life I was always meant to have.
Even though I was fulfilled romantically, there was still something nagging at me. I've struggled with depression and anxiety for a good portion of my adult life. I used to never allow myself to even say those words. I finally decided to do something about it and went to a medical professional about it. Getting that weight off my chest has been huge. I started medication, and have felt much better as a result. It was certainly a positive note to end the year of me on.
It's funny...when I joined shys, I chose my name because it was a song I loved - Whatsername. I think subconsciously I chose it because I really didn't have a clear idea of who I was. A little less than 4.5 years later, I know exactly who I am. I'm a lesbian. I'm a good friend. I'm a girlfriend. I'm a goofball. I'm adventurous. I'm...happy.
For the first time, I'm living my life. I've had less and less time for shys as of late, and haven't felt myself clinging to it as I once did. So while I don't see a need for this site in my life as I once did, I am incredibly thankful for what it has done for my life. This post is more of a see you later than a goodbye. I don't know when (or if) that will change, but hey, anything can happen.
I'm no longer Whatsername...I'm just Whitney. And that's awesome.
Whoever has seen my Shybi profile, will recognize the following story as my "About me" information. I'm posting it here to talk about those girls previous to the one from the story, girls I never really wanted something with, but girls that I was kind of attracted or even infatuated with. The difference between those and the one from the story, it's that I wanted something with the later, she made me want to take action, the others did not. Also, this one seemed interested as well, the others did not.
So here, before starting, it's my "about me" again:
"I still remember the first time I locked eyes with a woman I liked. We crossed the street at the same time, she was going one way, I was going the other way. I thought I was never going to see her again, but I was wrong. 15 minutes later I entered a movie theatre and there she was. She was selling popcorn, I was in line to buy a margarita (best place to watch movies!).
She recognized me and gave me the most beautiful smile ever. We talked for a bit while my friend insisted we were going to be late for the movie.
I came back to the same theatre about 4 times in the next few days. Unfortunately, my friend was always there (at any mention of me going to watch a movie, he would always be the gentleman and insist on accompaning me), so we didn't say anything more than "hello's" and "glad's to see you're back".
I would go home every day thinking of her, but never had the courage to say anything.
Eventually I stopped going, and when I decided to come back, she wasn't working there anymore."
Now, I want to go back at least ten years, maybe a bit more, to my first years of high school. I had just transfered to this big all women high school, and everything was super new to me. As a way to shake that weird I-don't-belong-here feeling off, I signed up for every extracurricular activity I could find.
That got me some friends fast, and even more important, it got me to met this girl, María*. She was one year older than me, she wasn't particularly pretty, not ugly either, just a normal 15 year old girl, but she was nice, and there was something about her that I liked. She was part of the Softball team, and since noone from my class was part of it, I started hanging out with her and her friends,
I remembered looking at her more than I'd look at anyone else, but I thought I was just curious about her, and never, in those times I'd look at her, I considered the possibility of a relatiionship different from friendship with her.
I think I should also mention that, to that day, I had never really met anyone that was gay or bisexual, and for me, those were foreign concepts that existed only when I'd sneak out to the tv room at midnight every monday, to watch in awe this show called the L word, but that's a story for another time.
What I liked more about María, was that she wasn't really the popular type, or the nerdy type, she wasn't the best player of the team, and as I said, she wasn't the prettiest, but her friends all seem to gravitate towards her, and I guess whatever that was, captivated me as well.
I had a pretty late sexual awakening, and during all those high school years, when all my friends started having their first real boyfriends and relationships, I was focused on the next match, the next concert or the next play. I couldn't care less about boys (or girls) and I was fine with it.
So, María, yet intriguing, was never really a crush of mine (at least I never consider her as one).
Now, I want to fast forward six years to some of my post secundary years.
Just as with school, I transfered universities a couple of times, and in one of those places I met this girl *Raquel. We were only about 4 girls in the whole program, so we all became close friends rather quickly.
At this point, I had been "exposed" to a bigger world than when I was in high school, but still, that I knew of, I had just met maybe three lesbians and one gay guy in my entire life. I think it's important to note that I wasn't exactly sheltered, it's just that people where not that open (and still are not) about their sexuality in the circles I moved at the time.
The thing with this girl Raquel was, that even though in reality all I wanted was to be friends with her, she opened a door I hadn't open before. You see, I used to laugh a bit when my friends imagined their future with their crushes or boyfriends, because I thought it was streatching their relationship too much. But then, here I was, imagining what it would be for me to grow older with Raquel, have a family with her and all the things that come with that.
Again, as weird as it might sound, I didn't even fancied here sexually, it was more about me feeling we were very compatible and that it was someone like her, if not her, that I wanted for my future. I spent weeks fantazising about that, but when I saw her face to face, I had no real desire to have something with her, it was more, I think, that I gave her looks and traits to an imaginary character in my mind.
I transfered universities once more, and in the place where I finially completed my degree, I met a wider spectrum of people than ever before, and suddenly half my friends were gay, or lesbians, or big allies of the LGBTIA+ community. That felt great, because before that, I always felt kind of pushed out everytime I presented myself as an ally of said community.
I grew up more comfortable with all that, but never really fancied any girl I met, and even politely (and not so much) declined the advances of a couple of girls that came after me (I don't regret it, but sometimes I feel like I could have at least explore the path with any of them).
And that was me, until the day I met the movie girl, about a year after graduating from university.
This time was different, I felt how both my mind and my body reacted to her looking at me, talking to me, how whatever was happening to me would increase every time I went back and she recognized me, how I was begining to realize it was attraction, in the purest form, what I was feeling.
I guess this three women are the main reason I'm part of this forum today, and I wanted to mention them as part as that introspective journey I decided to take when I joined Shybi, all in search of whatever makes me happy.
Until next time,
*Not their real names, just in case.