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  • GypsyButterfly

    A Note Just For You

    By GypsyButterfly

    If I don't phone, text or email you, please know you're still in my mind & heart. Which is why I can't contact you. It would hurt too much. It might lessen in time, but, I don't know if it will ever completely go away. If you reach out to me (which I hope that you will), I may not answer or get back with you. Believe me, I want to, more than anything. I'm keeping all of the messages. Even if they seem to be deleted, I saved them elsewhere. Right now, I don't have my phone on much & I'm not checking my email. The phone would probably be the best place,though, when you want to get a hold of me.
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A Shout Out To My Ex

Why I am doing this now, almost three years after the breakup and two years since we last spoke, I don’t really know. I barely shed a tear when we ended, and the one or two that I did shed were mainly down to annoyance at myself, that I put up with your antics for so long.  But to be honest, it is more than time that some of this stuff went on record. You were so sweet and so lovely to me when we met, and I believe that was genuine at the time, and to this day I can’t understand how someone could change so utterly. Looking back, thought, the red flags were always there. Before we’d even met in person, you’d pulled back when I expressed nervousness about meeting. If I ever committed the cardinal sin of saying you sounded low, or unsure about us, or - heaven forbid! - asking for reassurance, it would result in a freeze-out that would last for days. You helped make our one-year anniversary extra memorable, for instance, by blanking me for three days over something trivial right after we’d had what I thought was a lovely couple of days away together to celebrate. If I ever had to change the slightest detail of a meet-up, a rescheduling or even just a slight delay in being able to get there, you’d try to call it all off. At least once you literally ended things with me because I said I couldn’t make a planned meet-up after all. You know what, I wish I’d just called your bluff and taken back my life much sooner. You publicly wrote what amounted to a love poem TO SOMEONE ELSE and seemed perplexed as to why I would have a problem with that. You ruined three meets for me, which is quite an accomplishment given that you were only on two of them.  You sneered at the town I grew up in, the town I love for all its faults. You ruined a fun evening in a fun place with nice people because you were homesick for fucking Chinawhite, or wherever else you deemed ‘good enough’ for you. If you want the truth, that weekend was the beginning of the end for me. First off you announced at the last minute you weren’t coming after all. Then you changed your mind back and I ended up wishing you hadn’t. You were so rude to some of my dearest friends, including the person who’d been kind enough to drive you there in the first place, and also the owner of the B&B where we stayed, someone I’ve been friends with since I was 16. You spent the evening after the meet giving me the silent treatment because someone flipped you the V on the street, like it was my fault because I’d apparently committed the unforgivable sin of stopping to speak to him in the first place. (Oh, by the way, you continued this theme delightfully the time you ripped me a new one for stopping in the street to sign a petition to stop a children’s acute care ward from closing: ‘You shouldn’t stop for these people,’ quote unquote.) You were still pulling your Princess Elsa act the next morning and I still didn’t walk, why? Because I was stupid enough to be concerned for you. You didn’t seem in a good place, but after the way you treated me you’re lucky I gave a damn about your feelings any more. I should have left you to stew in your sulk, and at the end of that weekend, when you superciliously announced, ‘I knew you wouldn’t go,’ I so wished that I had. I have so many regrets about almost every aspect of our relationship.  I regret that I didn’t care enough to get angry enough about the way I was treated. I made too many excuses for you, put up with way too much. But I mostly regret that I didn’t call you out more on the way you treated people I cared for. It was like if you knew someone was important to me, that was a reason to be shitty to them - and then you made ME out to be the insecure one. What a joke. You’d post the most horrible things online about MY FRIENDS and expect me to cheer you on, then sulk when I didn’t. You’d purposely stir up trouble and then get on Viber to me boasting about how you were ‘kicking some butt today’, no you weren’t. You were just being nasty for the sheer fun of being nasty. You almost drove more than one of my dearest friends away with your bizarre behaviour towards them. If you want the truth, I consider myself lucky they still speak to me. There were many, MANY occasions when I was ashamed to have anything to do with you. ‘The Defiant’? Don’t make me laugh. ‘The Psycho’ would have been closer to the mark. I had so much going on in my life, but any show of weakness - or, heaven forbid, tears - was treated dismissively, or, worse, with contempt. Everything had to be about you all the time; I wrote a post on here recently about how I always thought I’d know narcissism when I saw it, but failed to realise for four years straight that I was dating it, it will always be a puzzle to me how I didn’t see what was right in front of my eyes. It’s like you can’t bear any trace of human frailty around you, you can only cope with people who have larger-than-life, tougher-than-Teflon personalities with the ego to match. The rest of us - those who aren’t afraid to feel, and to admit we feel and admit we cry - well, you have a word for us, don’t you? That’s right: inexplicably, somehow WE are the cowards. And yet I let things drift on. Till finally the weekend when, in hindsight, I know I really should have told you where to stick it. It was already long overdue by that point. You flounced out of that meet on a whim, dramatically announcing that ‘this bi thing wasn’t for you.’ In hindsight I wish I’d let you go back to the hotel alone, stayed at the meet and enjoyed myself without you hanging around like a walking storm warning, but at the time I was stupid enough to care about what that meant for us, you’d become a habit by then, and my mind hadn’t yet caught up to the fact of how much better off I’d be without you. So we stood there, outside Candy Bar, the second time we’d stood outside a bar while you ruined my evening, and I let you have it, about what a bitch you were being, tears of anger streaming down my cheeks, and what did you do? You laughed in my face. And then when I walked off and left you to make your own way back, you were a bitch about that too. Did I ever get an apology for any of this? Not one that seemed even remotely sincere. (The saddest thing about that, by the way? Candy Bar was where we’d had our first kiss more than two years previously. Nice to see how much that memory meant to you.) In hindsight, I can see that you were ambivalent about me for pretty much most of the time we were (supposedly) together. That’s fine - it’s your prerogative, especially as I was similarly ambivalent about you - but I rue pretty much all the time and money I spent on our relationship. It was an expensive lesson in more ways than one. Eventually I became so indifferent to you that I couldn’t even bothered to end it. That’s how apathetic you made me. When a person never shows you their heart, never shows a modicum of fragility, of human-ness… over time, there’s something oddly repellent about that. I stopped thinking about you in a sexual way long before we ended. I didn’t even especially want to kiss you. I used to get bored sometimes when we were doing ‘stuff’ and start listening to the TV instead, do you know that? Your insensitivity towards me at times was quite the biggest anti-aphrodisiac going, you see.  I keep trying to remind myself how good it was in the beginning when you used to actually let me in on how you were feeling, when you let me know that you cared, deeply, and even needed me. But that was only one side to your persona, and it disappeared over time. You just turned total ice-queen bitch and I was left scratching my head trying to figure out why. At one time I cared enough to try to figure you out. I knew you suffered badly from premenstrual mood swings, and I sympathised, but I tolerated way too much in the name of that excuse. It ended up being easier not to call you out on stuff because you would retaliate by making the most personal and hurtful verbal attacks on me, my insecurities, my vulnerabilities, that I’d been stupid enough to reveal to you. If there was one of us that had a personality disorder, it certainly isn’t me. What you did to our relationship - to my feelings - was comparable to taking a beautifully handwritten love letter and scrawling obscenities all over it in marker felt. In the end my feelings just died, simple as that. Although you’d never have believed it, they were dead long before we ended. That was nicely done, by the way, via a random email in the middle of a busy work day - how were you to know all I would feel was relief? I could have been in bits for all you knew. But if I had been, and I’d told you so, I’d have been made to feel bad for that too. Everything is always someone else’s fault in your world, isn’t it? Your faith is so important to you, and you’re so convinced God loves you just as you are. Have you ever actually stopped to *look* at who you are? At how shabbily you treat people? And if you have, how on earth can you continue to call yourself a Christian? Oh well, that’s for your conscience to deal with now, I’m just glad to be out of the whole dysfunctional mess. Even after we broke up you still tried to mess with my head, tried to make me jealous that you were moving on, when all I felt by this point was relief. At the time you tried out your little game I was rather more concerned by the fact that my cat had narrowly escaped death after being hit by a car and how did you respond? A cursory comment about hoping she was OK, then radio silence, because I didn’t play your little game, did I. You ‘hit back’ by unfriending me on Facebook and I just wanted to laugh.  The only regret I have now is that you’ll never get to read this. You’ll never know what I really thought of you towards the end. You’ll probably never get wise and stop being such a bitch, either. So there we are, I finally said it.  

flirtykitten

flirtykitten

 

Inevitable

You said you won't forget me but you will.It's inevitable.As inevitable it was for me to fall in love with you.With no brakes,no reservations ,without listening to that voice in the back of my head that was warning me that  in the end i will be the one leaving with my heart broken.As inevitable as it was for me to trust you and allowing myself to open up so much so that you could see what no one else was allowed to see,the real me.Completely open and raw.What no one else will ever be allowed to see. You found me and you worked your way in my heart slow and steady.And i knew from some point on that i was trying to fight a losing battle.I was trying to resist the inevitable.My mind fell first and then my heart.And i love every part of you that i was able to know,every part of your wonderful amazing self.I know you didn't completely understand  when i was telling you that you are my calm shelter and that you ground me but i know how much you helped me and  you know how different i am and how i feel things completely different from others . That's why I am able to feel whatever I feel for you Telling you to leave was the hardest thing i ever did,but for the first time since we started  our friendship i didn't think of me.I only thought of you and i left  what i feel aside and told you i'll be ok.My thoughts and my heart are and will be with you.My worry won't stop but i can't do anything about it I really hope you won't forget me because i know i won't.I can't forget and i don't regret . I'd do everything all over again because you are worth it. 

kairi

kairi

 

Dreaming

So its another sleepless night or is it a sleepless morning? Trying to think about life and get myself together and this dream thought creeps right in, its like my mind has a mind of its own and I have no say in what it thinks whatsoever and I am beginning to think maybe it needs to be rewired.   I wonder how painful electric shock therapy is ** thinking**  I am kidding,  but seriously anyone know???  Anyway, I had no idea where to put this in the forum so just decided to leave it here buried in my blog, incidentally who came up with the word blog anyway? I mean did someone just start writing something on the internet and thought what do I call this?? So I guess Blog was born and here we ( when I say we I mean me) talking about it and I doubt anyone really cares about the history of the word blog at all, so lets keep this moving on..... Without further adieu ( did I spell that right?)  Apparently so since no little lines slapped my fingers.... here is the dream thought that popped into my minds mind....  As the moonlight streams in the window illuminating the room, my eyes open for a moment, awaken from a deep sleep, trying to focus on where I am and my surroundings. Hearing the wind blow, my eyes move to the focal point of the room, the fire in the fireplace dancing to the music the wind was playing. My eyes then darted to the window and seeing the snow fall at a very rapid pace, smiling like a child on Christmas morning, I dearly love to watch the snow fall, especially at night. I was tempted to get up go to the window and throw back the curtains wider, so I could watch the snow fall romantically  to the ground. But the warmth and comfort of your arms enticed me to stay right where I was, feeling one of your arms wrapped protectively around my waist, your hand lying flat on my stomach, the body heat radiating from you warming not only my body but my heart. I listen quietly to the sounds of the wind, placing my hand on top of yours, hearing your even breathing, turning my head to watch you sleepy, in a very non creepy way, I wonder for a moment what you might be dreaming about and hoping it was my face you were seeing. After a while my eyes began to grow heavy, and I felt you scoot closer to me, smiling as I closed my eyes, I drifted off to sleep, feeling incandescently contented. ( Just love bold italics, don't you?) If you took the time to read this, thank you.  I had better do the world a favor and get some sleep.   

JadeBleu15

JadeBleu15

 

Not No One

I feel like I've succeeded in fulfilling the purpose of calling myself NoOne.  I'm no longer NoOne.  When I found her, I started to find me again.  I found the things I've always loved about myself.  I'm allowed to completely be myself.  I can't be NoOne if I'm Me.  With that, I've updated my picture to be who I am.

NoOne

NoOne

 

Why women leave

I just read a Greek article because of the day,about why women leave from a relationship or cheat even if they love their significant other.So the question was when they do that? I will try to translate it alone so bear with me   If someone wants to analyze the psychology and the way a woman is thinking will have to  ruin a lot of paper Besides every woman is different but all need the same thing in a relationship:presence .(the literal translation is intense presence) Anything less causes women to want to leave,bad reactions and unhappiness. It is from the few times we can be absolutely sure about something that concerns women.Even if their significant other is far away for business  or they live in the same house they always have to find ways to show that they care about her,that they are thinking about her and in general that they are present. A woman is choosing to be with someone first of all because she wants to spend time with them.She has this need to spend her time with someone that makes her laugh and take her out of her routine,that gives her motives and the chance to dream of a better future.Maybe it's a little bit egoistic from her part,but each one of us is absolutely happy only when we feel that we are a priority in the life of the person we love. A woman wants to feel that the other one loves spending time with her,wants to do new stuff ,wants the same excitement in bed like when you first met and the same intense passion.Every woman want to be wanted!! It is as simple as that. she wants all that or else she will get tired at some point.she gets tired of you being absent all the time.To always think of financial and job problems and not let a space for her in your mind.She gets tired feeling that she is coming after your friends or family.Gets tired of trying to wake you up from where you have fallen asleep so you can go out for a cup of coffee or dinner.She gets tired of having to remind you  your anniversaries and every little thing she finds so you can spend some time together.She gets tired being always the one to make the first move every time and chase you for sex. And when a woman just had enough of loving you then she will have a break down and in your eyes  she will become the worst person on earth.You will see another version of her,a bad self that you created through your indifference. You might even believe that you are the victim if she cheats or abandon you,but you are the same or maybe even more guilty than her.Because you didn't listen her silence and her complaints.Because you refused to see the unhappiness in her eyes ,because you were not willing.You pushed her away from you and even maybe to the arms of someone that made her feel desirable and unique again.Someone that managed what you failed to do.To chase the loneliness away. Because if you love her with your way and not the way she needs to be loved then what did you do?If you need effort to suit her in your schedule and  your every day thoughts then maybe you are the one that should take your presence out of her life.A presence that was always absence? Besides if you won't leave ,eventually she will find the strength to leave.Because no one  and especially a woman  wasn't born to be squeezed  to someone elses life.

kairi

kairi

 

"Just A Phase"?

This started as a comment on someone's post but I feel like it's a big enough a Bi Thing to be worth a blog post! One of the things people say to us when we come out is "oh, you're just going through a phase". And it's a silencing thing, to get us to shut up about something they maybe don't like hearing or discussing. Or something they say just because it's the only thing they know as received wisdom about being bisexual and they haven't thought it through any further. Either way it's like being patted on the head and told to shush our silly little heads. Now, one of the things we used to say and write on placards when I was first out and involved with my local bi youth group was "it's not a phase!" Only I have to admit: sometimes it is. I've known people who for instance when I first met them were lesbians, had a time of identifying as bi, but these days if you asked them they'd most likely say they were straight. Other mixtures other ways round - straight to bi to straight again, bi to lesbian to bi again, or all round the houses like the slow bus that stops everywhere in a loop round your town. I was comparing life stories with a trans friend the other day about how they'd collected the full set of calling themself gay, bi and straight in two genders. Pokemon sexuality! The thing is though: people who are bisexual for the whole of their lives are bisexual for the whole of their lives. People who are bisexual for only part of their lives are bisexual for that part of their life. And if you're "only" bi for months or years or decades, where your head and heart are at that time are totally real. Those crushes?  Real crushes.  Those kisses?  Real kisses.  Those orgasms?  Ho yus, And how. Ahem.  Where was I? Dismissing it as "just a phase"? Well, being a teenager is a phase but it doesn't stop you being a mardy git for a few years. Being pregnant is a phase - a year from now you won't be! - but a plan of just ignoring it and pretending it's not really happening isn't a good idea. Some of us are bi the whole of our lives, for some people it's a phase - yet if it's a phase so is whatever comes before and whatever comes after and no-one dismisses those as "just phases". "It's just a phase"?  "Well, maybe it will turn out to be a phase, but it's the truth about who and where I am right now."

softfruit

softfruit

 

An arrow can only be shot forward by first being dragged backwards

So last Sunday my ignoring my mental health caught up to me. I had a minor meltdown that started at work, then continued and only got worse. By Sunday evening I was still there texting my boss asking for Monday off, then by Tuesday night I was texting him telling him I needed any time off in the next week that he could spare. When I spoke with him Tuesday on the phone he gave me ALL WEEK off and didn't put me back on until the next Wed (tomorrow). I spent most of early last week either high on Anti Anxiety pills or sleeping. It ended up being a pretty major meltdown. By Friday I was able to go a whole day without any meds and by Saturday night I had made up my mind to quit my job. My husband has been encouraging me to do so for a few months. Things are good at his job. It's not that I don't need to work, I do, and I will. Just not  full time right now. Or in management, which is causing me so much stress I can't reset on my own. I'm not one of those people who can leave her work at work and my son and my husband have paid the price for it. The Christmas season in retail almost killed me, and I was so busy with my new at the time girlfriend that I just kept pulling energy I didn't have out of somewhere and I think it finally caught up with me this past week. Surely our breakup  didn't help, but it wasn't the cause. This was a long time coming anyways. Saturday I had had a float (sensory deprivation tank) and a massage scheduled for some time. I had very much been looking forward to it and by now I needed it. The hubs decided to book a couples massage, and it was wonderful to be able to take a couple hours off and reminding myself that it's okay and life should be fun too, not just stress, all the damn time. By Sunday morning I knew I was going to quit, but was going to discuss it with my boss on Monday, even though I didn't return until Wednesday. Well I ended up having a conversation with him on Sunday and told him I was quitting. He must have assumed I woulnd't have been able to give him a notice, he seemed very surprised when i said I was going to do my best to work a week or two, whatever he needed. He asked me to finish the week through Sunday, then called me toady and said he only really needed me tomorrow and Saturday. He's trying hard to make sure I know he cares and is trying to do what is best for me, and that he is not as concerned about the store. On top of all that, he told me he intends to pay me every bit of paid personal, sick, and vacation time I have saved up before he terminates me in the system. Once again,  got off the phone in tears. Tomorrow is my first day back after 10 days off and only 1 of 2 days I have left of work. I have no idea who knows if and when I'm leaving and who doesn't. I'm not looking forward to this. I can't wait to be done so I can unwind completely. Let the job go, let the effort go, let the emotions go (it's where I met her), and let the stress go. I think I'm going to go back to a season merchandising job I worked for a local nursery. No boss on site, very flexible hours, outside summer work so free tan, and I get to play with plants all day. Win win win win.

LizzySizzles

LizzySizzles

 

The Butterfly Effect

Today is a day of reflection. I have been too busy just focusing on living that it took a concussion to slow me down enough to be able to stop and take stock of my life once again.  Then I realize I have wound up back here spouting Emo diatribes in this thing, as I had before leaving...so first an apology.  I'm sorry for all the doom and gloom. It honestly surprises me anyone actually gives much import to the words coming out of my mouth, or rather, that are typed on the screen. So thank you for, I don't know, reading all of this, whoever you may be. I'm sorry also that I can't abide by the advice given to my last post. Ignoring ones gut instinct is about the worst thing you can do. The truth is that even if it seems to lead us into mischief at times, it actually saves us from worse, and what misadventures which may ensue usually have important life lessons attached even if we aren't fully aware of what those might be at the time. So no, I'm still listening to it, or I'd have not come back at all... ...Not reconnected with someone important to me... But there is nothing wrong in maybe being a bit more cautious and careful. So that I'll try to keep that in mind as I feel out this new/old/new relationship before me.  As I think on my life and it's weird turns... the only thing I keep coming back to is that turn of phrase "Life is Strange"... I don't really know where I stand right now, I feel like I'm standing at a crossroads again. Change is in the air, I can feel it like the crisp moisture before the rain. I don't know what it means. I want to understand what is significant about to happen, by looking backward, inward... Have you ever passed a mirror and caught yourself staring, a little too long? You know past that inevitable point of judgement upon yourself, or just to give yourself a cursory look before going out, but long enough that you deeply reflect on the passage of time you wear, wondering where it all is gone, what happened to the person you were, or where is that person you wanted to become? Do you recognize what you see there? Do you know that person? Do you want to? Do you love that person? Can you imagine anyone else feeling the same?  One of the most important relationships we cultivate in this life isn't with other people. It's with our self. If we can't feel good about ourselves, can't love ourselves, then everything we work to achieve with others is but a pale shadow of what we wish we felt for ourselves, could feel if we could only see ourselves the way others view us. But that's not quite what I'm getting at... Have you ever stared longer than that even to the point you can -feel- your own mortality? We feel brushes of it all the time. A pet dies, we lose a friend or a family member, or have that flirtation with Death itself that shakes us for some time, but it's usually over before we can really delve into the contemplation of what it truly means... But to stare at yourself and know you are here on this Earth on borrowed time... What does that make you want to do? Does it make you panic and try to get your affairs in order? Does it give you a perverse since of peace in the cyclic nature of life? Does it fill you with a renewed sense of purpose of the things you wish to do before that inevitable day happens? Or do you merely indulge in the enormity of it all until you slowly let the weight of that knowledge slide off you like water off a ducks back and just go back to living life like normal, back to the daily routine of your existence? Yes I know I said I should stop with the doom and gloom, and no I'm not trying to bring anyone down, nor is this really meant as advice, or am I being poetic, it's just a ramble, but I honestly would like to know in those moments...what is it you feel?

mystical1

mystical1

 

Turnstile

Back again. Here, now. But for how long? I always seem to find my way into drama or romance because what the heart wants is so strong. Then the one time I don't seek any of that, armed with my best intentions to just use this website for what it was damn well designed for and try to be a positive force amongst you all, to learn and grow even as I help others do so, and to bond with like minded individuals...it has to happen again. And next thing I know my heart takes my soul by the hand (or maybe this time it was the other way round?) and I'm off again. What the hell is wrong with me? God (or whatever Divine being or Force of Nature that rules us all) Please if you are listening, take these blasted urges away from me, don't let me love, if it only brings pain without some deeper understanding. Don't let me feel too deeply for those who can't see me. Can't know me or even understand the reasons why I find their light so intoxicating, having roamed too long in darkness. I have been called by other's a light, told I shine...But in reality to me I feel like they see a mirror. I want to shine like that, don't get me wrong, want to be a beacon of hope...I mean who wouldn't? And I'm not saying I don't have my moments, I do. I'm not a "dark" person, I just hide in dark places, so much, too much...until they become a home. I crave the light. So much so I think when I'm confronted with it, it goes to my head...Makes me downright giddy. Like any high it can't last. I crash through the floor, feel like some sort of emotional vampire, having been drunk on my emotions, and when the drug finally wears off I see the bigger picture and the world for what it is. I know what I want is yet again out of reach however I may wish otherwise. It doesn't matter how special this time felt, or how much more "right" than the last. How will you know what's right or real when you doubt yourself so much? There was a time I trusted my instinct. Living by it. Knew I could believe in it. Had total faith I understood most situations as they presented themselves. But now I don't know if I can rely on my gut anymore. If each time I do it comes with such a high cost. Isn't it better then to just avoid all possibility for conflict, and upsetting the lives of others by withdrawing? What use is your continued presence if it might just become that thing by which which others make measure of their own suffering? But then...could you really call that living? I've never been a coward to say how I feel, to be who I am, but I think I've hit my upward limit.  So I'm back...but for how long? Should I stay? Or should I go and get out of everyone else's way?

mystical1

mystical1

 

Friend is a Four Letter Word.

Friend is a Four Letter Word. When you chance back to see she is moving on, perfectly fine without you... Reading the notes she left saying how much she misses you... Her Friend. You blow it off, because what else could you have been? So much more but she closed the door, preferring to spend time dancing with shadows, in love with the idea of love itself, and content to commit to her fantasy.  Unable to compete with such a formidable foe as this, you let go of your own foolish notions that this exuberent shared feeling when in her presence could blossom into something more.  So tucking your broken heart behind your pride, you left so she wouldn't be exposed to your ruined insides. Then one day you decide to come back. To that one place you'd been avoiding for so long. Only to find she is still there, the same as ever, and as much as you thought you had, you'd only been lieing to yourself, because you haven't really moved on. All those feelings of yesterday try to beat down your door. But to them you say, please stop, no, no more. Because what's the point of letting any of that in... ...if it's only to be reunited with a "friend?" And if you can't release that and let it go, coming back would just be for show, because your true heart she could never know, you'd have to hide it just for her dying from unexpressed emotions, and unable to move on stuck in a hell of your own making, wanting something that you can never have with someone who doesn't feel the same.  Unrequited love is no game and nothing worth pursuing. And impossible to maintain any true friendhip where it forces the the green eyed monster of jealousy to reside in your heart. Hard to want the best for someone even though you care about them, when they cannot accept what is best for you. Whether that is to get as far away from them as possible, or to rush into their open and waiting arms... ... Who can know what only time can tell, and the clock stopped the moment you locked your heart away.

mystical1

mystical1

 

After the storm

We spoke again. Several times, for almost 2 days actually. There seems to have been a lot of talking, but I can't make sense of what was said. One moment we were telling each other what had happened to fill in some blanks, she told me why she did what she did I told her why ut may have seemed like I as upset about one thing when I had been upset about another. I'm not saying I thought we were going to reconcile, I just thought that maybe we were still trying to be friends?? Maybe, I don't know. All along, from the beginning, I thought on top of the fun we were having we were building a friendship, something that even after the sex wasn't going to be an option anymore, that I would still have some of her time and attention. That I woudl still get to share my time and attention with her. But it fell apart. Instead of trying to talk about what happened, or why we were both hurt, she starts talking about how relieved my husband must be that it's over. Told me she felt judged by him. I just could not have been more devastated the longer we tried to talk it out.She was saying things that were breaking my heart. She lied because she thought I woudl judge her?? She felt judged by my husband?? Where had I gone wrong?? What had I said to her, or not said to her, to give her any reason to believe that was happening, to feel like that? But she wouldn't, or couldn't, tell me. So we spent some time talking through what we could, and I thought it was our way of walking ourselves to a peaceful resolution. A way to walk away with more than anger and pain. I told her I would leave her alone, I tried. But she sent me a message both mornings after I told her I would leave her alone. By day two when she sent one I was so confused. She actually asked me if "Anyone else I've talked to thinks you're being a little harsh on me" with a little smirk face emoji. I started to feel like this was a joke to her, that she was continuing to contact me because she didn't believe she had actually done something that broke trust and believed once I cooled down, I would reconsider. She actually used the word reconsider. She wasn't understanding that I felt betrayed, even though I had said it very clearly. She viewed it as a mistake, an accident. When I actually addressed the idea of reconciliation with shock, something must have clicked, whether it was the right thing or not. But she responded a few more times with cold statements about how life's a bitch and mistakes happen and I'd never hear from her again. And she's been true to her word, I have not heard from her since. My husband is upset, naturally, because he's watching me be upset and it hurts him. I've tried to explain to him that I'm also mourning the loss of the friendship I thought I was building. I don't usually let people into my life, and I can't remember someone who got as much of my time and energy as she did.   As an added bonus, I am having a mental breakdown. While this particular chain of events is certainly contributing to it, it's not the reason and this has been a few months coming and I jave ignored the warning signs. Now depression is winning. I've been home, in bed, for 5 days. I abruptly took a week and a half off, fucking my employer at a terrible time, because I just couldn't face it. I've seen one Dr and have to go see another. I'm suffering, I'm feeling self destructive, I recognize that I've taken on too much. When I took the full time management position I needed the income, the stability. I thought I could do it and my depression and anxiety were controlled and had been for some time, without medication. The pressure has gotten to me and I'm starting to realize the personal cost of keeping the job. My husband now has very good, stable income. My hours mean that I work hours that have me leaving my son home alone to get off the bus, while I work a job I hate. Every week when i sit down to pay the bills and look at how he makes, literally, double what I do it reminds me that it's not important that I keep THIS job, the one that has stretched me too thin. I have worked years to find the delicate balance needed for me to stay i control of my depression and anxiety and I think this job hurt me. It requires so much of my good energy, so much of my positive attitude, that I give it all at work and when i come home, I'm spent. I'm exhausted, and the ones I love aren't getting what they deserve. It's not worth it anymore. I have begun to believe that I am left with two options to choose from. I can go back on an anti-depressant, shut everything down, and keep the job. I can do that, it would work. Or I can quit, align myself again on my own, not have to go on meds I DON'T want to take anyways, and find a job that makes me happy with much less pressure.   I'm so confused.

LizzySizzles

LizzySizzles

 

Artistic Visions of Women with Women (without commentary)

Artistic vision is having the clarity to fall in love with what you see. - Chogyam Trungpa   This post represents a travel through time to see a sampling of artistic works whose subject is primarily the connection of women with other women.  Along the way we'll see different kinds of relationships and bonds that women have with each other which artists and society in general have decided has value and is worth celebrating. This post will feature paintings and images only to give viewers the chance to feel their own impressions without any extra/spoiling input from me. There will be a separate post where I will post my comments along with the paintings and images.   The Three Graces from Primvera - Sandro Botticelli (c.1482)     Venus, Flora, Mars and Cupid (Allegory) - Paris Bardone (1570)   Allegory of the Union of Painting and Poetry - Francesco Furini  (1626)   Allegory of Water and Earth - Jan Breughel II  and Frans Francken II (c. 1620-1640)   Jupiter Disguised as Diana Seducing the Nymph Callisto - Nicolaes Pieterszoon Berchem (1620-1683)   Nymphs by a Fountain - Peter Lely (c.1650)   Diana and Her Companions - Johannes Vermeer (c. 1650s)   Justice and Peace Embracing - Antonio Balestra  (ca. 1700)   Diana and Callisto - Pietro Liberi (1670)   Study for 'Justice, Peace, and Truth' - Giovanni Battista Gaulli (Baciccio)  (c. 1666-1672)   La Toilette - François Boucher (1742)   Two Nymphs of Diana resting after their Return from the Hunt - François Boucher (1748)     The Union of Painting and Sculpture - Jean Louis Lagrenee (1768)   Jean-Honoré Fragonard, The Servant Girls' Dormitory, c. 1770   Diana and her Nymphs Bathing - Angelica Kauffman (c.1778-82)   La Bonne Nouvelle (The Good News) - Marguerite Gérard (c. 1804)   The Greek Poet Sappho and the Girl from Mytilene' - Nicolai Abildgaard (1809)   Helena and Hermia - Washington Allston (ca. 1810)   The Lovers - Jules-Robert Auguste  (c. 1820)   Moonrise over the Sea - Caspar David Friedrich  (1822)   Germania and Italia - Friedrich Overbeck  (1811-28)   Boarding School Friends - attributed to "French School" (1837)   Der Liebesbrief (The Love Letter) - Ferdinand Georg Waldmueller  (1845)   Bathers - Pierre Olivier Joseph Coomans (1816-1889)   La Chute du Chat (Two Women Disturbed by a Cat) - Jean-Alphonse Roehn (1800s)   Anna Henriette Stelzner with her friend Frau von Braunschweig, 1849   The Tepidarium - Theodore Chasseriau (1853)   Two Women Chatting by the Sea, St. Thomas - Camille Pissarro (1856)   The Reapers - Jules Breton (c.1860)   Nymphs Bathing - Arnold Böcklin (1863-6)   Le Sommeil (The Sleepers) - Gustave Courbet (1866)   Devant Courbet - Thomas Levy-Lanse (2011)   To Be Continued.......This ends the first part of this trip through art-time.

celeste teal

celeste teal

 

Artistic Visions of Women with Women (with commentary)

Artistic vision is having the clarity to fall in love with what you see. - Chogyam Trungpa   This post represents a travel through time to see a sampling of artistic works whose subject is primarily the connection of women with other women.  Along the way we'll see different kinds of relationships and bonds that women have with each other which artists and society in general have decided has value and is worth celebrating.     Let's travel back in time to 1482 when the Italian Renaissance painter Sandro Botticelli painted Primavera (the Allegory of Spring) for a member of the Medici family.  This beautiful masterpiece would have taken Botticelli, a very skilled artist, many weeks or months to complete and would have been impossible to complete without the financial support of a wealthy family and/or institution.  That kind of sponsorship usually led to the work of art being held privately.   The Three Graces from Primvera - Sandro Botticelli (c.1482) In the left part of the painting we see the Three Graces, Chastity, Beauty, & Love, in an intimate dance with their fingers intertwined and their eyes gazing upon each other.  The mythology of the Graces date back to ancient Greece where they are seen as minor goddesses and daughters of Zeus and Eurynome. They are often depicted nude although in Primavera Botticelli chose to clothe them in sensual, diaphanous gowns.       Venus, Flora, Mars and Cupid (Allegory) - Paris Bardone (1570) In the above painting by Bardone we see the two mythological characters Venus  (Goddess of love, beauty, desire, sex, fertility) sitting intimately with Flora (Goddess of flowers and spring). Interestingly, both Venus and Flora are depicted in Primavera although separately.  It is fairly common in art history  to see two, or more, women displayed in an intimate manner to symbolize unity or a synergy between their supernatural domains.  An additional explanation is that the male artists who created these works were providing what they and/or their patrons desired to see - women being intimate with other women for their own visceral enjoyment, and used mythology to justify the intimacy.     Allegory of the Union of Painting and Poetry - Francesco Furini  (1626) Furini's allegorical figures are more erotic than Bardone's. There is more exposed skin, including a breast and the two women are positioned to begin kissing. "Poetry" is making eye contact with us, the viewer, and she seems to be confirming our erotic suspicions with a coy smile.        Allegory of Water and Earth - Jan Breughel II  and Frans Francken II (c. 1620-1640) Here we see the intimacy of two women as being allegorical to the synergy of water and earth and the bounty of life and growth that the combination provides.     Jupiter Disguised as Diana Seducing the Nymph Callisto - Nicolaes Pieterszoon Berchem (1620-1683) The story of Jupiter taking the appearance of Diana to seduce the nymph Callisto comes from the epic narrative poem Metamorphses written by Ovid in the year 8 AD. There are many paintings which depict scenes from the story and some focus on the eroticism of  apparent lesbianism, such as in the above painting by Berchem.     Nymphs by a Fountain - Peter Lely (c.1650) Nymphs are divine spirits from ancient Greek and Latin mythology who animate nature and are usually depicted as young nubile women, often nude, who love to sing and dance and cavort with each other and their deity, with is often Diana or Venus. They are often shown to be residents of woods but sometimes are depicted as sea nymphs. In Lely's painting we see our nymphs worn out after a long hard day of frolicking and are sleeping together in a communal cuddle, which strongly suggests lesbian cavorting.     Diana and Her Companions - Johannes Vermeer (c. 1650s) Diana is having her feet washed by one of her nymphs which is reminiscent of a biblical  scene. The atmosphere here is one of humility, service and reverence and is quite different from most Diana-nymph paintings which are usually have a degree of eroticism.     Justice and Peace Embracing - Antonio Balestra  (ca. 1700) Here is another symbolic painting showing two women being intimate to represent the unity of justice with peace. Although they are fully clothed the women are clearly expressing sexual intentions as they lean towards each other to kiss while cupid shows his appreciation for their desire.     Diana and Callisto - Pietro Liberi (1670) This painting based on Metamorphses shows Diana after the seduction of Callisto by Jupiter (appearing as Diana). Although this scene is one of discovery and consolation,  is bursting with sexuality and the eroticism of implied lesbianism as we see Diana and her nymphs fully naked and in intimate connections with each other. This kind of depiction of women as soft,voluptuous and sensual creatures by men, for the viewing pleasure of other men will be repeated often in many subsequent paintings spanning over 200 years.     Study for 'Justice, Peace, and Truth' - Giovanni Battista Gaulli (Baciccio)  (c. 1666-1672) This symbolic union features a soft kiss between Justice and Peace while adding an element of voyeurism as Truth looks on as cherubs/cupids place a crown on the head of the head of Justice.     La Toilette - François Boucher (1742) Boucher was a prolific and prominent painter for the French aristocracy during the 18th century who enjoyed his decorative Rococo style which often included an atmosphere of eroticism. In this painting he has added a degree of implied lesbianism in a contemporary setting. Are the women flirting, or perhaps getting dressed after a time of shared passion?     Two Nymphs of Diana resting after their Return from the Hunt - François Boucher (1748) Here Boucher depicts a mythological setting without the context of a typical narrative.  It is illustrative of the lifestyle we can assume the nymphs had, namely intimate, romantic and erotic relationships with each other.     The Union of Painting and Sculpture - Jean Louis Lagrenee (1768) This symbolic union of  the Fine Visual Arts is especially erotic with a half naked embrace witnessed by an approving Cupid.     Jean-Honoré Fragonard, The Servant Girls' Dormitory, c. 1770 Fragonard was another prominent Rococo artist who also specialized in erotic themes. In this drawing he provides his viewers with a special and privileged access to a private, but plausible scene unavailable to men. It's a pure voyeuristic fantasy where men can imagine the pleasure of the young women as they explore their romantic and erotic urges for each other.  A feminist analysis of this work would conclude that these women are passive sex objects created by a man for the enjoyment of men and it's primary message to women is one of male dominance over women, even in imaginary scenes which only involve women.     Diana and her Nymphs Bathing - Angelica Kauffman (c.1778-82) Kauffman was a successful artist in London and Rome who specialized in historical works, and was one of a growing number of women who were able to achieve success in the male dominated arts industry.  Her treatment of a classical mythology scene that usually features implied lesbianism is arguably more romantic than erotic.     La Bonne Nouvelle (The Good News) - Marguerite Gérard (c. 1804) Gérard would become a sister-in-law of Jean-Honoré Fragonard and under his tutelage would become a successful artist specializing in scenes of domestic life including memorable moments of motherhood and childhood. Many early women artists focused on these daily life or genre scenes as they were denied access to art schools and the training required to paint ambitious and prestigious historical themes. In the above painting we see the close relationship between relatives, perhaps sisters or cousins as they share the contents of a letter.     The Greek Poet Sappho and the Girl from Mytilene' - Nicolai Abildgaard (1809) Abildgaard, in this painting depicts lesbianism between Sappho, a known historical figure and one of her disciples.  Eroticism of this nature was most likely privately commissioned for male enjoyment.     Helena and Hermia - Washington Allston (ca. 1810) This painting depicts a scene between characters from William Shakespeare's A Midsummer's Night Dream. Helena and Hermia are close friends and there is some ambiguity about the nature of their relationship which to some appears homoerotic. At the very least they appear to be "romantic" friends in Allston's painting.     The Lovers - Jules-Robert Auguste  (c. 1820) This scene of explicit lesbianism takes place in a vague outdoor location on top of a luxurious pile of fabrics. The interracial couple implies that this might be a scene associated with a harem which adds an extra exotic twist to the voyeuristic fantasy. Paintings depicting harems and the women who inhabited them are quite common in the 19th century. Often the women in harems are arranged in poses which imply lesbianism but usually not as obviously as in the August work above.     Moonrise over the Sea - Caspar David Friedrich  (1822) We share a beautiful outdoors view with three people sitting on the rock.  The closeness of the women compared to the man seated behind them signifies their close emotional connection. We, the viewer, can imagine ourselves in their place, seeing the beauty of nature while sitting close to a loved one.  Alternately we can see the women's relationship as a part of or the focal point in the scene of natural beauty.  The exact nature of their connection - sister, friend or perhaps lover doesn't really matter.     Germania and Italia - Friedrich Overbeck  (1811-28) This symbolic union between Italia (the "south", on the left) and Germania (the "north") represents the two major areas of European civilization and their unique characteristics and approaches towards art. Here we can see the need, the desire, the craving of Germania to be more like Italia, to become more expressive, emotional and passionate. In symbolic union paintings like these there is a recognition or belief, beyond the implied lesbianism, that the connection between women can be profound, synergistic and durable.     Boarding School Friends - attributed to "French School" (1837) This painting brings to life the passion of two women for each other. The plausible setting, the lack of nudity and the sensuality expressed by their hands and posture makes this scene crackle with eroticism.  This was drawn for the pleasure of men, but one can imagine the effect it might have had on women, and perhaps the artist(s) did.     Der Liebesbrief (The Love Letter) - Ferdinand Georg Waldmueller  (1845) The glow of the lamp reveals the glow in their hearts as they share the most intimate  details written in a letter of love.  The fingers on her shoulder and the warmth in her eyes reveal that the connection (love) between the women is immediate, real and profound.     Bathers - Pierre Olivier Joseph Coomans (1816-1889) There is a subtle distinction between "nymphs" and "bathers" with the latter being more plausible and perhaps easier to fantasize. These two young women are enjoying sharing their beauty and feelings of sexuality, perhaps for the first time, with each other. The blond woman fills the scene inviting viewers to visually caress her body up and down and when we pause at her face we can empathize with her emotional state and follow her eyes to the sitting woman whose emotions we can only infer. Her pose is reminiscent of Venus or Aphrodite and perhaps she is feeling like a Goddess of Love as she holds the gaze of her companion.     La Chute du Chat (Two Women Disturbed by a Cat) - Jean-Alphonse Roehn (1800s) The artistic movement of Realism, whose aim was to depict contemporary life, as-it-was, was growing in the mid 19th century. This painting clearly reflects realism - the room looks messy and worn and the two women are clearly of modest means. The fact that they are show together in bed strongly implies lesbianism but in the most mundane, everyday kind of way, which delivers the shocking message that women can be lovers in everyday, real life. This painting is not so much erotic voyeuristic fantasy as it is a revelation of social reality.     Anna Henriette Stelzner with her friend Frau von Braunschweig, 1849 The Realism movement in art started to gain traction at roughly the same time as photography was becoming  technologically and commercially viable in the middle of the 19th century.  The current state of photography made it most suitable for capturing highly detailed portraits in a fraction of the time and effort required to produce a portrait painting.  Here we see two young women portrayed intimately suggesting a possible romantic friendship (or more?).  This photograph was taken by Anna's husband Carl Ferdinand Stelzner who was an early pioneer of photography.     The Tepidarium - Theodore Chasseriau (1853) A tepidarium was a heated room where bathers could relax and dry off after bathing in another chamber.  The atmosphere here is indeed hot and highly erotic for a number of reasons. Our attention is first drawn to the half naked woman dancing sensually for the seated woman whose seems to be frozen in appreciation. Their eyes are locked together suggesting mutual arousal and pleasure.  As we look around the room we can see other women are enjoying the performance while others are looking away to exchange furtive, suggestive glances. One woman appears to be looking directly at us, the viewer, inviting us (women) to participate in the erotic spectacle of women being aroused by other women. This painting was exhibited at the Salon in Paris in 1853 and although mostly intended for male viewing it is very likely that it was seen, and meant to be seen by women.     Two Women Chatting by the Sea, St. Thomas - Camille Pissarro (1856) Here we see two African-Caribbean women stopping to chat on a sandy pathway. They are bathed in warm sunlight and a soft sea breeze which adds to the pleasure of their friendly encounter.  They are ordinary working women but posses dignity and self-respect which is worthy of our admiration.     The Reapers - Jules Breton (c.1860) These peasant women are also admirable as they walk home together after a long day of hard work in the fields.  We can see that they care for, and support one another which suggests strong affectionate bonds and a high degree of group unity and cohesion.  This unity, and the affectionate bonds which support it is an invisible, but real beauty that is revealed by their actions towards each other.  A viewer who empathizes with them becomes, in a sense, part of their supportive group.     Nymphs Bathing - Arnold Böcklin (1863-6) Böcklin was a Symbolist painter, a movement which strove to represent absolute truths in an indirect manner. Here we see two naked women bathing together in small stream shaded by a few trees. The golden wheat fields surrounding them gives their bathing place the aura of an rejuvenating , restorative oasis surrounded by desert. The standing woman's arms are spread wide open as an invitation for a loving embrace to the kneeling woman perhaps suggesting that loving intimacy between women is a kind of emotional oasis in a harsh patriarchal world.     Le Sommeil (The Sleepers) - Gustave Courbet (1866) Courbet was a leading member of the Realism movement and was a prestigious painter when he was commissioned by a Turkish diplomat to paint this explicit scene of lesbians sensually coiled together after making love.  On the bed is a broken pearl necklace which is evidence of their intense romantic struggle.  The theme of lesbianism was a popular one in contemporary erotica, and it was a recognized social phenomena but was associated with prostitution and didn't enjoy public moral approval. The public reaction to this painting, which was devoid of any ambiguity or delicacy, was one of shock and it was forbidden to be shown publicly until 1988.  Within the art world it was well known and influenced the work of subsequent artists.     Devant Courbet - Thomas Levy-Lanse (2011) The public reaction to Le Sommeil today remains mixed. Seen through a feminist lens it is a work of male imagination which objectifies women and fetishizes lesbianism  for a male audience. Others see it as an important and realistic portrayal of lesbians which has had a positive influence on the public acceptance of lesbians and LGBTQ rights.  The above painting shows a guide telling a group of women about the painting as they are viewing it which raises questions about how these women are experiencing the painting. Are they seeing it through modern cultural lenses? How does it make them feel?  Would women of the 19th century feel differently about it than than women of today?     To Be Continued.......This ends the first part of this trip through art-time.

celeste teal

celeste teal

 

That could have went better

Once again life has taken an unexpected turn. I don't know why I'm still surprised by them, I should just expect disaster. Maybe it's me. It's probably me. At the end of the day I'd be lying if I said she was the first to tell me I just couldn't be happy.   This girl, this woman....she pursued me. I'm married and had a curiosity, an inkling, that I might be bi. I had pursued once or twice the possibility of an experience, but gave up. I was married, well into my 30's, I had nothing to offer. Could make no commitment, couldn't be too "out" for fear some people may find out. I just had given up any thought that I'd find the right circumstances under which this would even make any sense, and I kind of gave up the search. No big deal, I wasn't really pushing it, and to be honest, I was scared. Really, really scared.   Well this girl came along, and we hit it off. I don't mean in the way of "this might be a chance for an experiment". More like "I want this girl. HER. I WANT HER" One thing led to another, to another, to another and next thing i know I'm asking my husband if I can go sleep with this girl. And I did and it was wonderful. I think even then I wanted to believe it was just sex, I thought it was. It felt like it. We slept together a couple times, then progressed to threesomes with my husband sometimes. It was all really fun, great, and exciting. But there were red flags and I think I just ignored them because the situation seemed so perfect and I was having fun. I just...over looked things that I normally wouldn't. Two major examples come to mind. Before our first threesome with my husband, she made some joke about sending him some pictures and I laughed and said go ahead and gave her his number. We proceeded to start a three way text conversation that was quite fun, in anticipation of our big night coming up. She swore up and down that she would never text him without my knowledge or permission, and I wasn't worried about it. I believed her. But a few weeks later, she did just that. She texted him under the circumstances of trying to set up a surprise threesome for me...but it still just sat in my stomach wrong. Hadn't she said she wouldn't do that? I left that red flag in the rear view mirror and moved on. I was trying not to let my old, nagging, anxiety ridden self rear her ugly head. There were other times I felt...uneasy about things. Times when i felt like she maybe wasn't telling me everything. But there really wasn't a need for her too. We called each other "girlfriends" but any other time when she talked about trying to find a guy for a FWB, she would refer to herself as single. It bothered me, but I couldn't figure out why. Why should I care if she called herself single? But why would she call me her girlfriend if she FELT single? It did cause some confusion, but I didn't feel the need to clear it up. I didn't realize, until later, that it bothered me because listening to her say she was "single" minimized what I was to her in my mind. Again, I pushed those feelings out. This was uncharted territory and surely I was over reacting about something that most people wouldn't care about. There were even times when a girl from her past would contact her and ask about getting together, for sexual encounters, and I told her "Do you". I made it clear that if that what she wanted, to feel free. She owned me nothing, there was no obligation to me, after all I was married. How could I expect anything from her? But she told me no, that I met her needs for a woman and she wasn't interested in sex with other woman. But a week ago she admitted to me, and when I say admitted I mean she seemed reluctant to tell me at all and didn't until days after it had happened, that she had slept with another friend of hers and her boyfriend. I tried to stay cool, because what right did I have to be upset, I knew she was looking for a guy FWB and I had told her she was welcome to sleep with other women. But she had let me set the expectation in my mind that she wouldn't, so I was hurt and jealous when she slept with her friend. But again, that red flag was easily pushed aside as I told myself it didn't matter, reminded myself she considered herself single, no matter how often she called herself my girlfriend. What she did on her time was hers. I didn't judge her, I shouldn't care, and I made a conscious effort to not let it bother me, even though it did. And it did not help that in the week following her and that friend spent an increase in time together, and that was what led to the lie that broke it all. I went from hearing from her almost all day every day, in constant contact, to nothing for almost 2 whole days while she was with this other girl. Not something that bothered me that much, until I was lied to about it. These things were not enough for me to say anything, to need to process these nagging feelings I was getting. I still blindly looked at how much fun I was having, how much I enjoyed her company and attention, and her body. I knew it would have to come to an end, nothing lasts forever and the situation had never been ideal. We had both worked hard to make it work, and I thought in a mutual way, but now I'm not so sure. But I hadn't expected what happened. Her actions, my reactions, and the aftermath that resulted. I am not innocent, nor is she. But now we are left back to back, strangers with memories, with rubble around us to walk over to start again. And no salvageable friendship.  She lied to me. Yes, it was only a small lie. But I knew the moment she started to lie to me (About something so stupid, so small I just can't even figure out why it would have been worth it even if she had gotten away with the lie) and I realized I was asking questions as if she owed me answers, and I said "never mind, it's not my business". But she kept going and lied. And in one second, I was broken. What had I done to make her believe that was necessary? I had never judged her action, never once said anything about choices she made that I would not have. I even gave her an out to NOT lie by just keeping to herself, after all, it was NOT my business. But lied to I was and all of a sudden a lot of it came back. The anger over her texting my husband when she said she wouldn't. Her telling me she wasn't going to sleep with other women, and then did. Lots of other times I had a nagging feeling she wasn't being entirely truthful with me, but I had no right to expect her to I suppose. I just...assume that the respect between us was mutual and enough that I could expect her to be open and honest with me. I was honest with her, even when I knew she wouldn't like what I had to say. So when I instantly snapped and started in on her (I'm not a very nice person when I'm mad. Not even a little bit) I got very, very nasty. But when we did finally have a chance to talk, under calmer circumstances the next day, she started in by insisting it had been a waste of time all along because there was never anywhere in my life for her and that I deserved better. I felt immediately incensed that rather than answer me about why she would feel the need to lie this was going to be a pity party about why "we" would never have worked anyways. But I had already sacrificed so much to make it work! I wanted to continue with her. I helped her, almost every time she requested my time, or to come to my martial bed, she was welcomed. I gave her time, my husband gave her his time. Our sons played together even. I checked with her often I though, was she happy? Did she feel used? What could I do to help her? I may not have been able to offer a lifetime, a home, a marriage, but I offered her time, kindness, my heart. I trusted her. Even one little white lie was enough to crumble all the rest that I had overlooked and made me feel like I was being naive. I handled it badly. I let anger rule and I said things I shoudln't have. But my trust had been used and I honestly at this point didn't know how often, but I knew it had. I won't apologize for protecting myself. I gave everything I could and if it still wasn't enough for her to be happy about it then, it would never have been. I coudln't fill her every need and I told her that. She didn't expect me to. My marriage was the priority up front and she knew and agreed. But all I needed was trust. All I needed to know was that I had not given you a reason to lie to me, to believe that I woudln't do everything in my power to support your decisions, even if I didn't agree with them. That tiny little white lie exposed the cracks with which an individual is comfortable slipping things through to retain peace, instead of dealing with consequences of decisions. I can't support it and I won't allow myself to be subjected to it.   I don't know if she will ever read this. She knew shybi was more of my safe place, she may never visit the site again. I am so sorry for how things happened. I'm not the angry, selfish, unforgiving person I acted like and was accused of being. I had a moment of anger that won and it was because my heart was more involved than it was ever supposed to be. In one second, with just a few words on a note, every single, tiny bit of anger in my system has melted into sorrow and the sobs keep coming. I must be close to draining my body of energy soon. With what energy I do have left and tears running down my face, I'm wishing as hard as possible, that she will somehow, miraculously, remember me well after the dust settles, because I know I will her. I already miss her.        

LizzySizzles

LizzySizzles

 

The Philosophical Ramblings of a Menstruating Woman Vol 2

Here we are again  a sleepless night ( note to self stop taking naps during the day) so what do you do when you can't sleep?  Well Ramble of course!  Although  if you had a warm body beside you that you liked a whole bunch I am sure you could be doing other   more pleasant activities than rambling. So hold on to your seats, Girls.... here we go with another installment of ....... The Philosophical Ramblings of a Menstruating Woman!.... tonight we will feature ( I have no flipping idea, I am just winging this thing).....  Twas the night before Thursday and all through the house not a creature was stirring not even a mouse...wait what??  Mouse.. there best not be a mouse up in here... Me no like mice, or spiders now that I think of it, or snakes either... nope don't like them at all.... or anything creep crawly not a big fan.. okay what was a saying??? Oh yeah, mouse not a creature as stirring not even the M-I-C-K-E-Y M-O-U-S-E (  he is a cute mouse) next question I should be asking myself is why the heck am I referencing a Christmas story/poem thingy?  I probably should just quit while I am ahead on that one as I  am not that creative to make sense of whatever I was going to do there, in fact I probably should just delete this whole thing and either: A. Start over or B. log off and go to bed but I am going with C. leaving it so everyone will think I have lost my damn mind.  ** laughing** Yes, I do believe I shall leave it...  I am just curious, am I the only one who goes to bed at night and if I can't sleep my mind decides to go warp speed on everything and anything, like for instance, how does the internet work?  Yes, I realize I can google it but when its 2 am and in the dark your mind wants to know but doesn't want you to get up to get the answer, no it would just rather keep you awake wondering and   why in the world did I wear that outfit on March 20 1989? Oh, Yeah, I do remember why I wore that outfit, it was the 80"s, duh!  But seriously, my mind sometimes will just not shut off and it goes everywhere and thinks up the most, how do I say this, X-Rated things.  Does anyone else do this or am I just the perv of  Shybi?   Then I have this internal conflict with myself at 2 am: Self:  hey  I really need to go to sleep, I really need to be a productive adult tomorrow or today since so damn late or early how ever you want to look at it.  X-rated Self:  Um sorry, but I am right in the middle of something do you thing we can discuss this at a later time?  Self:  NO!  We need to discuss this now, you know we need sleep and... X-rated self interrupts.... trust me we need this more LOL  ( this goes back and forth for awhile until self gives in to x-rated self... now just to be fair sometimes self wins but also to be fair that is very few times). Also, how did the mouse on the computer become known as a mouse, anyway?  Who decides what things are called? Who decided a chair was a chair? or House is called a house... I wonder what it was before it was a house, I guess it was a shelter but then the question is how did shelter come to be known? Goodness I could ramble about this all night but I think I have bored you ladies quiet enough... so I will end this installment with a wish for joy and happiness to you all and if you got this far, thank you for reading my madness.   Until next time........   

JadeBleu15

JadeBleu15

 

Wakanda Forever!

I just saw the Black Panther movie on Sunday and have been excitedly discussing it with my new paramour ever since. If you haven't watched it yet, spoiler alert! Most of my comments are just about worldbuilding but I may mention some plot details. Others have written far better than I can about this movie as a beautiful affirmation of all things African. Complimentary to that, it's also a powerful display of feminism. While the lesbian subplot of the Coates run was missing in the movie, it's still full of strong women who are realized as complex individuals. They also have different strengths from one another: prowess in battle, understanding of technology, knowledge of herbal lore, mastery of politics. Often in Hollywood speak "strong female character" seems to be code for "Jean Claude Van Damme with boobs." Here instead is a display of strong women as respected and integral members of society, not mere tokens. Obviously any feminist take on Black Panther would be remiss without addressing the Dora Milaje. They kick ass like nobody's business, for sure. But they are also much more complex than that. Their purpose is not military might for its own sake but protection of peace and prosperity for the civilians. Wakanda reminded me less of Themyscira than of @celeste teal's description of Herland. Even General Okoye emphasizes that war is an absolute last resort. When's the last time you heard a male general arguing vehemently against war? Afro-futurism holds out the promise of a world in which technological progress enables everybody to live free of oppression and that's beautiful. In battle and politics, we need to remember not just what we fight against but what we fight for. We may not have vibranium in real life but we can still have good government. Wakanda forever!

ChemFem

ChemFem

 

Dr. Doctor, I've caught something serious

Heather:  Dr. Doctor, I think I've caught something serious.  Something serious from a woman. Dr. Doctor:  I'll try to help you.  Tell me, what have you been feeling that ails you? Heather: I've been feeling so many things since I've come in contact with her... I think about her everyday and many times a day. I leap for joy at every opportunity I have to talk to her and to listen to her. She upstages every women with her beauty that has captured my eyes, my mind, and quite possibly, my heart. I am taken aback with our unlikely and serendipitous encounter.  What were my odds of finding a woman with the worldview and values that so closely mirrors mine?  Oh, how good she and I can be for each other! I hope so dearly that she feels something special for me as I do for her. I fear so dreadfully that she doesn't feel something special for me as I do for her. I try to prepare myself for the devastation that may strike me in the event that she doesn't want me the way I want her.  I fight with my emotions as I try to accept my inability to fully prepare for these foreign feeling that have already blindsided me.   I am captivated and terrified. Heather:  Dr. Doctor, what should I do?  Is there a treatment for this?  What is my prognosis? Dr. Doctor:  I'm afraid I don't have the expertise to handle your case.  Here is a referral for a consultation with my colleagues at the Shybi Clinic.

Femme Lusting

Femme Lusting

 

Are you a lady, Mr. Kent?

In the context of the women's march and pussy hats and whatnot, trans issues have been in the news again lately. This is my attempt to explain a subjective experience of gender dysphoria, a frequently misunderstood subject. In the movie Shakespeare in Love, the protagonist Viola masquerades as a man named Thomas Kent to be able to act. In one scene she is rehearsing a dance with the company. The dance master calls out "gentlemen upstage, ladies downstage" and without thinking Viola steps downstage. The dance master, who had been referring to the acting roles of the (presumed) all-male cast, repeats irately "gentlemen upstage, ladies downstage, are you a lady Mr. Kent?" Viola is caught in a disconnect between her own identity and what others perceive of her. I often feel like I am in a mild version of this situation. Conventional wisdom holds that because I have two X chromosomes I should go downstage. Yet sometimes I want to go upstage. Other times I just want to throw my hands up and exit stage left, pursued by a bear. My uneasiness with binary roles may make it more difficult to carry out the prescribed dances, but I think it's worth it anyways. Are you a lady, Mr. Chem? I don't know but I'm trying to figure it out.

ChemFem

ChemFem

 

Proud to be Hers

I just want to show my girlfriend off to the world.  I'm so proud to be hers.  She's such a wonderful person.  Just absolutely amazing.  The way she thinks... the things she does... I've never met another person so closely similar to me, but so very much themselves.  Trusting me with her heart whenever she needs to spill it out to me.  And she does it so honestly and unapologetically, and accepts my heart when it needs to spill as well.  She has so much love to give unconditionally.  She's so talented and hard-working and caring and rational.  God, is she rational.  I love it.  We have the same love language.  We value and appreciate the same things in a relationship.  We're playful and clever together.  She amplifies everything about me.  I love deeper.  I laugh harder.  I sigh every other second.  With her, I'm so much better.  She inspires me to be more.  And I do the same for her. She flew into my life so unexpectedly, and I showed her the sort of caring and lasting friendship she was longing for.  What she's given me in return is too much for words.  And I tell her everyday.  She tells me everyday.  We write letters full of I love you's just to try to capture some of this feeling, but it's just not enough. Her heart is so pure.  Her voice makes my knees melt into the pavement.  She has me wrapped around her finger and there's no one I would trust more to do so.  Barely any time has passed, but I feel like I know her so well.  I feel like I've known her for ages.  Like she was a part of me that I never knew was missing and now I can't live without. As many times as I've been in love before, this is so much more.  She loves me as much as I love her.  We were once the only ones putting effort into our relationships and now we are both putting our effort into this relationship equally.  Neither of us is used to it, and both of us appreciate it so much.  There's so much that can be felt from a single caring action.  We understand that.  It's the little things that matter. I just needed to spill this out to someone.  It's so difficult to contain how happy I am about her. 

NoOne

NoOne

 

The Dating Life part 3

Well, today I found out that my Girlfriend was already dating a guy before I even got the chance to tell her that I think we should be friends. Wow! I'm not hurt but pissed now. She lead me to believe she was interested in a monogamous relationship with me. She even sat me down to tell me what she was "about." Meaning not dating more than one person at a time. She said she had " been with women" but not had a relationship with one but, that she really vibes with me and that it wasn't about what someone had between their legs for her but, what they felt. But then, when I'd try to ask her out, after we had been intimate, she was always busy. I had started to pick up signs that she wanted out but wasn't woman enough to admit it. So, that's why I ended it. Now she's following me around like a lost puppy, not because she wants me back but, because we work together and she doesn't want me mad or drama at work. She's afraid I'll post the many nude photos of herself that she sent me in the short time we dated. Sigh, I hope most women aren't like her. If they are, I'd rather be alone.    1

Booknerd1

Booknerd1

 

The Dating Life part 2

Well, I talked to my girlfriend and told her that, I think being friends is better for she and I. She agreed. I wanted to do this before we started to get angry and end up not liking each other at all. She was nervous that I wouldn't be okay with it. I told her, I was fine. I'd rather be by myself than with someone who wasn't really into me anyway. I knew she didn't want to continue as a couple but was afraid I'd be upset.. She was hanging out with friends and when I'd ask her about going out....she was always busy. No one is always busy. That just means...they don't have time for you. Narrow their options by giving them one less option. I respect myself too much to beg for someone's attention. And, I've been down that road where you care and feel deeply for someone that doesn't feel the same. Life is too short to waste your time on people who can't give you any of theirs. Like I said in one of the forum posts, I don't have a problem being single. It doesn't bother me. If the truth be told, it's hard for me to have someone in my life because I'm quite satisfied all by myself. So when I do spend time with someone, that means I've made you and our relationship a priority. That means, you are important to me. I'm only asking for the same in return, that is...if I mean anything at all to you.  

Booknerd1

Booknerd1

 

Descending into darkness, indeed

So today was not a good day for me. I am struggling, and struggling hard. Since my surgery back on June my one ovary has been doing a great job keeping up with the need for hormones in my body, but I've got a feeling she's not doing so well any longer on her own. This will be my second cycle since June that I've been late on, and I'm about 4 days late now. But I've noticed that Pmsing is significantly worse than before. I have reason to believe that even before my missing hormones I suffered from PMDD, not PMS. I still believe that PMDD is a very real diagnosis I could be given if I cared to go get one, but I really don't. Either way, the time between my period is supposed to start (my normal 24-30 day cycle) and when it does, is turning into a personal hell for me. I've been so proud of myself for getting some serious control over my mental health in the last couple years, taking it into my own hands and actually paying attention to myself and my needs, a lot of self care has been involved and it's extremely difficult to not consider myself very selfish for needing, and giving myself, whatever I need. I'm getting much easier to deal with, much more in tune to my feelings and why I'm having them instead of just unexplained doubt or fear or anger. When I say the things I'm about to say, please be aware that I am NOT in any immediate danger, I do not intend to take any actions. I'm in need of a safe place and a constructive way to admit some of what is going on in my head, in hopes that I can release some of it and get some much needed relief. I know the second my period starts this will all fly away swiftly, but it's fucking killing me in the mean time an I'm coming to terms with the fact that this will likely be a recurring event I need to get a handle on, or resign myself to going to see a dr and being put on medication, likely hormones, which I do NOT want to do.   Among the self care I do, I have some coping mechanisms for when my anxiety gets too high for me to feel in control of any longer. Not every one of my mechanisms is healthy, but I am careful and they work for me. I want to chuck every coping mechanism out the window and kill myself. I'm SICK AND FUCKING TIRED of feeling like it would just be easier to be dead. I've only been feeling this way for about 36 hours now and I KNOW it's hormones, but it doesn't stop me from wanting relief and my mind is focused on only one way to get it. I'm angry, I'm sad, I want to be alone. I can't explain the depth of the way I feel, my fucking skin ITCHES with the need to get some control over myself that is so far beyond my reach that I can't even fucking see it anymore. I'm scared, I'm tired, I'm anxious, I'm depressed, and I can't get control of any of it. I had been doing SO GOOD staying in control, but these fucking hormones are KILLING me! Everything is out of my control. I can't control when I cry, how I treat people, when or how rapidly my moods shift.   I'm just unloading some crap in hopes that I can make sense of it. I am playing the worst waiting game of my life, waiting for my period to start so I can feel human again and not like the wicked witch of hell. I CAN control this, I WILL be just fine. I AM capable of beating depression. I just don't feel like it at the moment.

LizzySizzles

LizzySizzles

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