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  • GypsyButterfly

    A Note Just For You

    By GypsyButterfly

    If I don't phone, text or email you, please know you're still in my mind & heart. Which is why I can't contact you. It would hurt too much. It might lessen in time, but, I don't know if it will ever completely go away. If you reach out to me (which I hope that you will), I may not answer or get back with you. Believe me, I want to, more than anything. I'm keeping all of the messages. Even if they seem to be deleted, I saved them elsewhere. Right now, I don't have my phone on much & I'm not checking my email. The phone would probably be the best place,though, when you want to get a hold of me.

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    Recent Entries

    Latest Entry

    It's been awhile since I have logged on. Time flies, when you are having fun....right? A lot of things have changed around here. We've had our second, and third threesome now. (All three, with the same partner) I don't know if I would say we are in a relationship, completely, but we are having fun.


    She and I have played a few times alone together too, but I think she is still apprehensive. I wish that the awkwardness would go away, so we can all just enjoy this time in our life.


    So when do you decide that what you have, isn't enough? When do you decide, that your needs aren't being met or that you aren't satisfied.


    I don't want anyone to get hurt. But this is real for me. I am bi. And I want a friend with benefits. To share with my husband, and enjoy alone time with too.


    I suppose I want my cake.....and it eat it too.


    Does this make me selfish?

  1. 44 Odd Things You Don't Know About Me

    [ Odd? These don't seem odd at all. ]


    1. Do you like blue cheese?

    My guy loves it. I'm mainly on the other side of the fence.


    2. Have you ever smoked?

    Nowadays this could be one of a few things.

    But yeah.


    3. Do you own a gun?

    Nope, but I'm no longer against the idea of it.


    4. What is your favorite flavor?

    Does hamburger count because...


    5. Do you get nervous before Doctor visits?

    For sure


    6. What do you think of hot dogs?


    ^^ Pretty much my sentiment nowadays *chuckles*


    7. Favorite Movie?

    Forever, the way we were

    I favor many others. A few are: The Secret Life of Walter Mitty, Serendipity, Girl Most Likely, Something New



    8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning?

    Water, Sometimes Coffee


    9. Do you do push ups?



    10. What’s your favorite piece of jewelry?

    I don't really wear jewelry much.

    However, I definitely am a ring lover.

    My favorite would be my engagement ring and a ring my mom gave me years ago.


    11. Favorite hobby?

    Reading, Watching my shows


    12. Do you have A.D.D.?



    13. What’s the one thing you dislike about yourself?

    I can't help it, but I dislike that I'm both shy and have anxiety.

    I don't know where one starts and the other begins.


    14. What is your middle name?

    [insert name here]


    15. Name three thoughts at this moment...

    I was deciding on what song I'd listen to next

    Focused on this

    and whether I want to have a cup of tea


    16. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink




    I'm not sure that coffee can be counted anymore as what I drink regularly.

    New for me is drinking tea sometimes. Coffee is more of a sometimes thing too now for me.




    17. Current worry?

    I know I could worry right now about this and that but no thanks.

    Moving on.


    18. Current annoyance right now!

    None of the above.


    19. Favorite place to be!

    Sometimes by myself

    Sometimes with my love

    Sometimes hanging with my dad and sis

    Sometimes being with great friends

    Dunkin Donuts


    Coffee shops


    20. How do you ring in the new year?

    It has become a tradition to go to the boardwalk with my love.


    21. Where would you like to go?

    In the states I'd like to visit every single one, but for starters New York, California. Plus Washington state and Arizona once again.

    Outside the country: Korea, India, France, England


    22. Name three people who will complete this?



    23. Do you own slippers?

    Not right now

    I just walk about in the Crocs


    24. What color shirt are you wearing right now?



    25. Do you like sleeping on satin sheets?



    26. Can you whistle?

    Yeah but not like my dad

    He could call us home from down the block with that whistle of his

    Just thinking about that makes me smile


    27. What are your favorite colors?

    No favorite


    28. Would you be a pirate?

    No thanks

    I can't even stand pirate Halloween costumes


    29. What songs do you sing in the shower?

    I don't sing in the shower


    30. Favorite girls name?

    Not sure


    31. Favorite boys name?

    Not sure on this either


    32. What’s in your pocket right now?



    33. Last thing that made you laugh?

    Playing around with my love


    34. Best toy as a child?

    Good question, but I can't even think of what I liked best


    35. Worst injury you ever had?

    When I was very small and had to have my forehead stitched up. I don't remember, but it was definitely an awful moment for my mom.

    One that's very recent is my ankle momentarily dislocating. I'm so relieved , even now, that it went back in place.


    36. Where would you love to live?

    I've thought about Tyler and San Antonio quite often.

    Somewhere where the weather is better ... even out of state. Though I'd prefer to stay in Texas.


    37. How many TV’s do you have?

    Personally I have 1, but there's 1 more in my home.


    38. Who is your loudest friend?

    I think most of my friends have always been loud.

    It's just the kind of people I've attracted and been attracted to naturally.


    39. How many dogs do you have?



    40. Does someone trust you?

    I already can think of the few that definitely do.


    41. What book are you reading at the moment?

    Any Bitter thing

    I can't seem to be able to get through it, so I may stop and give it away.


    42. What's your favorite candy?

    I'd have to say that dark chocolate


    43. What's your favorite sports team?

    I don't watch sports or even do any

    But I would be into getting into tennis and badminton

    I always enjoyed that before


    44. What's your favorite month?

    The coolest months of the year

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    Recent Entries

    Latest Entry

    She makes me so warm

    The temperature rises

    When she enters the room

    She captures my gaze

    Like a magnetic force

    Turning my head

    I want her to look at me

    With the same desire

    I know she's capable of

    My heart races

    For no reason

    Other than her presence

    She's like a walking lifesource

    That I'm no longer

    Granted access to

    My whole body aches

    Knowing she's within reach

    But remains untouchable

    The thought makes me lethargic

    So I crawl into bed

    Thinking of only her

    Waiting for a sign, a signal

    That will never be sent

  2. Ms.G
    Latest Entry

    july 3 to be exact. i met my heroine again, it was awkward for some reasons. i have a feeling she even ignores me. we come to the party for hours, i’m always in her line of sight but she never comes and says hi. while others look around to catch my partner in crime, and they ask where the hell i’m hiding. funny we’re always together together at every social event, but we’re not together. lol

    i did say hi to her eventually. i was pretending i finally saw her under the dimmed light, she acted surprised and we hugged. she then introduced me to her bf. we know him already, but we all hate him, anyways. lol. we think he’s the reason she never attends our group gatherings on Weds and pretty much scoop her out of all social life. they sit next to one another but the chairs are so far, you can fit 2/3 of another chair in between them. it’s weird.


    her sister, first thing after finish squeezing and all that, introduced me to her best friend, who traveled a big distance to attend this party. and i’m smitten at first sight. i have a thing for single moms, or women with kids. i don't know why, i just do. maybe because i love kids. and she is a hot blonde with 2 beautiful sons. they’re sitting near heroine. though the atmosphere was too awkward, i had to walk away without making any further conversations.

    my friend leads the way and it’s like, “this is my best friend, M, she’s from *tada* and she knows everything about you, G”. i was gonna start joking like “ooh, so so you know everything about me huh? everything? inside out?”

    but i keep the thoughts to myself and poke my hand out for a handshake instead. she looked down at my hand for wee seconds then decided to grab me and gave me a long, tight hug. the moment i got home, i searched for her on my social media then bookmark it and go straight to bed. lol. i blamed the alcohol.

    when i add her the next day, 1 second later i got her acceptance. freak me out when people do that. gosh. when i left the party, M initiated to give me another big, long hug. she feels nice and natural. but oh well all women feel nice. lol. i mean it’s feel right to hold her in my arms for a hug. too bad she’s taken. it’s hard to tell which parent her handsome sons got the good genetics from.

    C, M’s best friend, referred to the event that one boy literally comes to me, takes my hand and walks me around town. everybody surrounded start to laugh so hard, whip their phone out to record videos. i must have spoken kid language or something. lol. while the other little one gets all shy, covers her face when she sees me. d’awwww it’s so dang cute i'm telling you. make me wanna have a kid like now ;x sigh. gotta find a wifey first though.


    we promised another friend to go to her son’s for a gathering with other families and kids. we were there for the good 2 hours and something. we tried to lay low. our friends at the main party where we suppose to be, are like where we at. incoming is a text message from a strange number, followed by boob pictures. that got everyone attention. lol. the 3 of us study them pictures intensely and guess who are the owners. then come a semi closeup pussy pic. clean shaven and pretty at that. apparently they give us a hard time to guess. but i got the pussy pic right even though i’ve never seen hers before. lol. the other guy got the boob pic correctly by a wild guess. i just tell them we need to get going and figure for ourselves since we weren’t 100% sure. we were invited at 3 and we didn't get there until 9 ish.

    we’re on our way to the main party to watch the beautiful and professional fireworks for over 20 mins. there were 4 guys on the other side of the lake to do the fireworks. a friend used to own the fireworks booth so he got lots of discounts and tons of experiences. it was a very nice moment.

    i had to initiate the pussy talk subtly to figure out whose those goodies i saw earlier. lol. i'm quite surprised at the "final results" but i think them girls are just drunk. because i barely see them after then. one of them is so wasted, we have to walk her to a decent area so she can puke. lol.


    there are kids, teenagers so we try to be discreet as we adults can. long story short, everyone is buzzed, or half drunk, we got to a private small room with mostly close friends. more like all perverts. lol. there’s the watermelon jello which stick to the watermelon for some reason and god it’s so gooood but quite strong. i tried to stay away but my luck is bad. i have one big piece from the bottom as a final courtesy for not showing my goodies. that is equal to 5 big shots, the maker said. plus, it’s on the bottom, it tastes like pure vodka with some drops of watermelon ;/ i literally shoo the piece into the host's mouth when he barges in. lol.

    the girls have to show their boobs if they want some jello. some guys want to show their nuts too but alas no one wants to see that. lol. everyone is down to their swimwear basically. because we have a big water slide outside.

    i was laughing so hard, i backed up against the wall to figure that i accidentally turned off the light. oops. the room has no windows and is as black as it can be. everyone is screaming excitedly and god know who is touching whom. lol. when i turn the lights back on, they want to turn them off one more time to finish the grabbing business. i wish i saw this girl’s boobs so bad. dang it. she’s beautiful. she's also a good friend of my good friend. so why not?

    but the moment she saw me entering the room, she literally slid back outside. my back luck again or what? every time like that i swear. i think she hated me or something. but i've done nothing to her ;o

    we got introduced by our friend, more like i enter the room to pass through them to get to the bathroom, our good friend starts pointing at me, that’s G, then pointing at her, that’s E. that’s it. we never say anything. i was drunk as hell at that very event. it was somewhere last year. just as i was slightly drunk when the watermelon jello hit me. i had to stop any drinking for half an hour to regain my conscience. lol.


    about 10 past 2, J told me to get the hell out of there because the party is not going to stop.

    some of our friends are swingers. neither one of us are in a relationship but we don’t want to know how far and how wild this goes. we know the host has a jacuzzi that folks often jump in there in their birthday suits. plus, there’s a lake next to his back yard. you can imagine the rest. he has a few guest rooms and a RV parking upfront, so at least 6 guests can stay over for the night. that’s more than enough for an orgy.


    maybe you wish i should have stayed. i could have narrated what really happened after 3. lol. but i never did. glad the host and hostess finally give up fishing me. i’m too old for this. or precisely i want something more meaningful than fucking someone’s brain out.

    how was your july 4th weekend go? god bless your family and friends.

    regarding how you spent it, remember it’s a celebration of freedom, of a new world with full of adventures waiting for you. there are things which make you freaked out, or nervous, but take baby steps to calm down. you’re not going to win your own battle if you don’t have some peace within yourself.

  3. In about 5 days it will be 6 months since my husband left me for another woman after only 3 weeks of having an affair with her and being very open about trying to decide between her and me. I never thought that this would happen to us. But she didn't want an open relationship and he didn't want to give her up and probably figured I'd be still there when he gets bored with her....


    He slept with me twice after starting his monogamous relationship with her. And at some point I realize that he wouldn't stop sleeping with me. That he would turn me into his secret mistress. I moved out and worked on the separation agreement he insisted on having. She asked me to divorce him and at first I refused to. When we signed the separation agreement about a month ago, I told him I'd be okay with the divorce as long as he pays for it. He started crying and said he didn't want to get divorced. He says he still loves me. He told me to stay amazing. He told me he was sorry that he was such a monster and that he regrets hurting me. I think his relationship is doomed as long as he doesn't look at his demons and works on his issues, but it is not my problem anymore. I have come a long way in the last 6 months.


    It has been about 6 months since I attempted suicide twice. It has been about 4 months since I last felt suicidal. My therapist helped, friends and family helped, a new partner helped. I didn't think I'd be happy again. He was the love of my life, my biggest passion, my soul mate. There was just a black hole in front of me, but like a beacon in a stormy night something new emerged and let me to better shores.


    In about 10 days it will be 4 months since I said yes to this new relationship. My partner is my still-husband's best friend. He still is. He told me he had always loved me about 2 weeks after my husband left. He was there supporting me with no expectations and lots of love. I don't think I have ever seen a love that burns as bright and as steady as his and is as unconditional at the same time. I had never even looked at him in that way - he was my husband's best friend and as that for me not even a potential sex partner (I don't have sex with close friends). Now I realize: I love him too. It is not the passion I felt before, it is more like a plant, slowly but surely growing into a strong tree. We just fit. We have similar ideas and wishes about the future and honesty and self-development. We both love sex, we both love making each other smile. It feels more mature than anything I ever had before. We already live together and it just feels right. He is bisexual too. His last relationship was with a man and he said he didn't expect to ever be with a woman again. He is very monogamous, so there won't be an open relationship. But he is up for threesomes if we find the right third (but we are not looking, really, it doesn't seem important) and he is okay with a girl one night stand for me if I need that down the road.

    Surprisingly, 6 months after the end of my life I feel happier and more fulfilled than ever before. I feel stronger and more sure of myself. Sometimes I wonder how I got here. It feels like I am in a new life that pretends to always have been like that. As if I switched into a parallel universe, a parallel life. I still feel like the universe meant for me and my husband to be together, but it now feels like I had a task, that I had to get my husband to the point where he is now, confronting himself and feeling consequences of his actions for the first time in his life. My task is over and the universe let me be free. And I got rewarded for my hard work...

  4. Hello my dears,


    As it turns out, I am alive. Didn't actually think I'd come back to ShyBi (went on hiatus for quite some time, came back for a hot second, then disappeared again), but I randomly made a reappearance. I'm kind of sad to see that most of my friends here have signed off, quite possibly for good, but I get that. Life happens on and off of the computer screen, and this place was very comforting when I was a wee freshman and sophomore in college, still figuring out things about myself. It's a lovely environment.


    Oh, by the way, I graduated college :derisive: It's hard to believe it's been four years [i still don't really believe it, and probably won't until I a) have a job and my own place or b) once the school year starts for everyone else, and not me, for the first time in years]. I must say, I'm proud of myself. I put a lot of work in, made a lot of self-discoveries and friends (including people on here), and got in some practice at being an adult, as well as some time to goof off and do stupid/crazy things (climbing walls, going atop quad buildings to stargaze, and walking in winds so harsh you could lean against them and not fall over).

    In the meantime, I'm living with my parents. I really wanted to get out of here, have a job, and get my own place by the time graduation came, but that didn't happen. So far, though, it's kind of nice to be home. I don't have a job yet, but I also don't have to pay for rent or food yet, and if I do pay for something, it's usually not much. Job searching, however, is... wow. I've applied to over 100 positions now. Out of the six interviews I've had, only one place made an offer, which was good, but it was only part-time and $9/hour. Definitely something one can't live off of, even when sharing an apartment with people. Another one, which I kind of applied for, but not (since it was hooked up through a friend), was offered to me, but after some deliberation and talk with others, I decided not to take it (part-time for the summer only, and $16/hour. Not bad, especially for a broke college kid, but not for a recent graduate paying for rent, utilities, and groceries). It's a little hard to not feel discouraged after all of this, but I'll keep going at it. I'm really hoping for a writing or library job, but I'm open to other things, so long as it's not a dead end.


    Let's see, what else... I officially came out to (nearly) everyone via Facebook this past October for Bisexual Visibility Day. I received a lot of love from my friends and some family members online. Unfortunately (or fortunately, since it needed to happen), some of my Facebook relatives have big mouths and are fairly gossipy. My parents, who are not on FB, found out two days later, and lectured me/chewed me out for doing it/saying that. If you've read my past posts about coming out to my mom, I believe this makes it my third time coming out to her. She still didn't believe me. It was my dad's first time hearing it. He didn't speak to me for over a month.

    It all got straightened out (and by that, I mean arguing and mutually and silently agreeing not to talk about it), but I did become very emotional and suicidal during that time. The suicidal thing still comes to mind, now and again, if I'm being honest, but I'm doing much better now.


    Also, I have a partner, now. He's a very sweet person, and very kind to me :yes: We've been together for over a year. And yes, he knows I'm bisexual, and he's okay with it. However, it seems he doesn't want to share ;) haha. That's alright, since I do care about him deeply. Fortunately, we both want to live in the same city once we have jobs, so we'll still be able to get together and cuddle. The long-distance thing is working for now, but we're both eager to get back in the swing of things, relationship-wise and otherwise.

    He's also been very supportive over the past year. Through my coming out, through my suicidal emotions, through my bouts of anxiety, my revealing my sexual assault and past abusive situations (well, I haven't chosen to elaborate, yet), and just putting up with my weirdness, stubbornness, and pervertedness :3 He gives me a lot of advice, even though he's only a few months older than me. The latest piece of advice is to open my mind and take into consideration everything I've been taught, but to question things and start forming my own thoughts and concepts (rather than believing everything the teacher's said). He's one heck of a critic and quite the realist, but he's wonderful and he cares, and I hope we stay together for a while.


    So, what am I doing now? Well, beside looking for jobs, I finally got my license and I'm driving my elders around (and they love it. Hello, Ms. Daisy!). I'm also reading for fun (something that's been nearly lost on me since I began college... because there's so much class reading!), which I'm happy about. Also just trying to write more, and explore more. But since I'm trying to keep the blog I'm maintaining "professional" with clear-cut posts that are critical and kind of activist-y, I'll save my personal thoughts and journal-type stuff for here (and I guess someone likes reading this. My blog here has over 4,000 views! Wow!). But I do hope my ramblings help someone, somehow. Otherwise, I'm just getting my thoughts out, which is still good.


    I think that's all for now. It's almost 1am here, so I think it's about time I went to bed. I'll be back to write more later. Thanks for reading!




  5. blog-0396901001464771651.jpg

    Hey to you all out there on Shy's..


    I am hoping some of you might remember me, I haven't been on a long long time.. but I hope to be back on and posting more... To all those who are new to the board since I decided to take my long break, ~waves- Hi, it's nice to see you all, look forward to chatting to you all and getting to know you..




    I have been away for a while for a few reasons.. I needed time to be able to really move on from my ex.. This site whilst very supportive was also not at times the best place to be when you are feeling low and down.. For those of you who have read my profile and my previous blogs would know all about my ex.. and I am so happy to finally say.. I am very much over her now and finally have moved on.. No more tears and no more heartache.. It was about November 2014 that I decided to finally just move on.. I looked at her facebook account for the first time in forever and realized that I was no longer in love with her.. That seeing her stuff with her girlfriend wasn't hurting me anymore.. I will still be hurt by what happened and how it all happened, but I'm no longer in an angry or sad place with it all now.. Everything happens for a reason and I think I really needed that break away from here to finally be able to give myself a chance to move on and let it all go.


    What have I been doing? Been doing a lot with myself, mainly working and spending time with family and friends. I not only have a 4 year old niece but now a one year old nephew which both have completely stolen my heart. I have also had a few medical issues the last year, and been hospitalized a few times over the last twelve months. Things are a bit more stable now, but there is a possibility for major surgery coming in the next 12 or so months perhaps.. Hope we can avoid it, but I think we are just delaying the inevitable now I think... Going to be strong and try to not let it worry me too much and just keep smiling and shining the best I can and be as positive as I can be.


    I have also been reading a lot and writing a lot of fan fics and concentrating on writing a lot as I would love to become an author one day... or a journo or just someone who writes something, whether it be literature or even articles etc.. Writing has become a great passion of mine and I love it.


    I honestly can't wait to get back on here and posting.. I wasn't sure where to post to make it known I was back, so I thought a blog would be a great way of doing it.

  6. It's been an interesting year of getting back in the dating game. My baby just turned 17 and I am stuck with all this free time. I use it to catch up with old friends and meet new ones. Actually made a really good friend that I go to the city and chill on a dating site.


    I went on dates while the whole time befriending someone who was moving out from her husband and wants to date women again (call her A) I had no intentions but to be a friend to her fast forward 5 months she is about to close on her own place and wants to go on a date. I'm dating someone (p) at the time but nothing serious so I agree. I hit it off with both girls I am dating but one relationship has kinda stalled but she still flirts. Weird she talks to me after bailing me out date 3 but fucking awesome!


    So P bails me out then stalls. Meanwhile A listens to my shit and doesn't bat an eye. According to her people make mistakes and I make up for it in too many ways. So I found two gems each with some minor baggage.


    I let it play out as A fell in love with me and P kinda held me at a distance. It never got to another date with P. A has made it important to include me in her new life. It's super new to me to be adored. I am pretty sure how it plays out but only time will tell

  7. So.....I went to my first bi meetup on 28th April. Was soooooo nervous, especially the last half an hour before arriving. I couldn't figure why I was so nervous. I went to a meetup before and I wasn't as nervous. It's just another opportunity to meet new people. Maybe it's a debut as a bi in public. It certainly easier talking about it with new people. I had a lovely time, chit-chatting away. Certainly made it all more real and than in my head.


    Since then, I've told two other people that I am bi.....a friend and a work mate. They were great about it and said it didn't matter to them. Nothing much has changed.


    I've also joined up local meetup group.....lesbian/bi's. Been to the pub with them. Wasn't as nervous as the first meetup. Most of the members are lesbians and talked about their past girlfriends etc. Honestly, felt a bit the character from 'The 40 year old virgin'. LOL. I'd read a thread about negative experience from was also bit nervous about that. But as the night went on, that awkwardness/nervousness quickly disappeared. It was a really fun night and the ladies were lovely. Looking forward to the next night out.


    At work, we have a LGBT network. Been going to a couple of event arranged by them and there is a summer party in June which I will be going. :)


    The next time I visit my sister, who was the first person I've told, she's going to come with me to a gay bar.


    Feeling so much better now and not confused anymore. Not sure what's next......but definitely happy to go with flow and see what happens next.

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    Recent Entries

    So here I am fours years on this site. Most of that time I've been absent, not an active member, partly because I found the woman of my dreams, the love of my life here..... Or so I thought.


    Oct 2012 I met bibunny on this very site. An instant connection, similar circumstances. Innocent comments turned into everyday messaging, even tho we were on opposite sides of the ocean with a six hour time difference. We would talk for hours everyday whenever we could. It wasn't long before I fell for her. Everything about her I loved, all her little quirks, her imperfections, just made her perfect to me.


    We met up in person with our husbands in Jan 2014 in Cuba. She was everything and more. After being with her I knew that I wanted to be with her and only her. I thought she felt the same. In April and May that year we had both split from our husbands.


    We wanted to be together. We had plans of her moving over to England to be with me as her kids were older while mine are still so very young. I was consumed by her, I loved her so much every inch of me ached.


    Aug 2014 she came to England for a holiday, it was perfect. Some of the best days and nights of my life. When it came time for her to leave it broke my heart. I should have realised at the airport her lack of tears, of emotion that maybe I didn't mean as much to her as I thought I did.


    Things seemed great, talking on the phone every day. Talking of our love for each other, how we missed each other. I wanted so badly to be with her all the time.


    I booked a holiday to Canada to visit her March 2015. I'm not sure exactly when but some time before this I had noticed a change in her, no talk of future plans together. I asked her to marry me bought her the diamond ring, but she said she couldn't make that kind of commitment. It tore me up inside when I asked her if her plans had changed and she admitted she couldn't leave Canada.

    I went in the March told her it was ok, we'd be OK as we were, gave her the ring no expectations just love.

    It was a great trip, some amazing memories made.


    I return home. Now I'm not saying it was all ok Inbetween cause I did have a few wobbles where I told her I couldn't do it anymore if we were never going to be together. But each time the thought of living without her was unbearable. It came as such a shock when she dumped me in June 2015.

    It was for my own good, she said she wanted me to be happy. To be honest I wasn't happy a lot of the time we were together but that was because I wanted to be near the woman I loved, is that so wrong?

    It felt like she had taken all the air out of my lungs, punctured my heart. How could the woman I love who loves me do this? Was it not breaking her heart. I got angry, upset, hysterical, I cried, I begged, I pleaded but to no avail. She had made her mind up this was for the best and she was only doing it because she loved me.


    Weeks passed I cried, I was a mess and everyone could see it but she couldn't, she was across an ocean feeling she had done the right thing. I begged her for another chance but she stuck to her guns.


    I turned my anger, my upset into something uncontrollable, I became reckless, carefree, kissing, sleeping with whoever just to feel but none of it worked. I wanted her, I loved her like no one else. She was/is the love of my life. But in losing her I lost me.


    I'm sat here May 2016 nearly a year since we broke up and I still miss her like crazy, still love her like crazy, still hope she might want me one day, realise she fucked up. But she's off having a life moving in with her gf after only a few months and I ask myself " was it the distance and circumstance that caused us to break up? Or was it simply that she wasn't that into me?" If I had been in her position I would have moved heaven and earth to keep her. She is a beautiful amazing woman. The love of my life without doubt. But she broke my heart and made me a different person, cynical to love, harder higher walls around my heart that she still holds but can't fool no more.


    Hearing her, seeing her and I'm falling all over again. Wish she wasn't so damn perfect to me.

  8. This is the theme to one of my favorite films (of the same name). Starring Richard Dreyfuss & Marsha Mason. The lyrics express how I feel.





    All your life you've waited

    For love to come and stay

    And now that I have found you

    You must not slip away


    I know it's hard believing

    The words you've heard before

    But darlin', you must trust them

    Just once more


    'Cause, baby, goodbye doesn't mean forever

    Let me tell you, goodbye doesn't mean

    We'll never be together again


    If you wake up and I'm not there

    I won't be long away

    'Cause the things you do my goodbye girl

    Will bring me back to you


    I know that you've been taken

    Afraid to hurt again

    You fight the love you feel for me

    Instead of givin' in


    But I can wait forever

    For helpin' you to see

    That I was meant for you

    And you for me


    So remember, goodbye doesn't mean forever

    Let me tell you, goodbye doesn't mean

    We'll never be together again


    Though we may be so far apart

    You still will have my heart

    So forget your past my goodbye girl

    'Cause now you're home at last

  9. Sometimes in the middle of the nothingness we forget that nothing can be the greatest freedom. When there are no limitations, to safety nets to cling to, no more fear of loss, there can be the beginnings of something wildly and honestly new.


    When the new is embraced as a vision, as a truth, as an inevitability worth fighting for, the obstacles mean less, and the fear fades. Doubt fades.


    And when the apex is reached, you start to understand how good it can feel to stand at the apex. Also, how humbling.


    This is an apex. It feels like the first in a very long time, but it will not be the last.


    And this: to look within and find the flaws, and deride one's self because of them is not growth. It is only a slow, self imposed death, but to look within one's self and see the flaws as half formed qualities waiting to be refined by the touch of self-mastery, then we are only just beginning to plan our own growth.


    All the best.

  10. While I have loved the time I have spent on here, I need a break from it again. A lot has been going on in life and I need to pay more attention to the important people in my life, including myself. It seems that I spend too much time on social media. (Here and tumblr) I want to get back to learning more about myself and enjoy nature. Also, I want to focus on getting healthy again. For me, part of getting healthy is getting away from social media for a while. Not sure how long I will be gone from here. Though, I do promise it won't be a year like last time. I need this. For those of who want to stay in contact, message me and we can exchange phone numbers or something. It's time for a clensing or maybe a better word is recharge. I just wrote a poem that came out of nowhere, so here it is.


    Let It Go


    Let it go, all of it.

    the material

    the wasteful

    the one’s who don’t appreciate who I am


    Let it go, all of it.

    the unused space

    the excess of negative thoughts

    the excess of negative people


    Let it go, all of it.

    the reminders of what I don’t have

    the time I spent pinning over what I can’t have

    the lack of sleep from ruminating over what I can’t change


    Let it go, all of it.

    the shoulds

    the shouldn’ts

    the what if’s

    the I can’ts

    the I won’ts


    Let it go, all of it.



    I won't say bye, because this isn't that kind of post. This is see ya soon.



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    Just going to copy my night of threesome fun into my blog to keep it somewhere for reading fun. It was an epic post that since I took all that time to write, I'm blogging it too.


    This was my first entry in that thread:


    (April 19, 2016)

    Yeah, I know the title sounds a bit confusing, but it's not really. My girlfriend and I have an arrangement with our husbands where we are letting them in on our relationship sexually, but separately. If you have read any of my previous threads about our experiences, you may remember that when she and I first started dating, she floated the idea of a threesome with her husband and I shot it down. She stayed on it and we eventually decided to let her husband watch us have sex for a birthday present. This expanded to letting my husband do the same, but we settled on doing it at separate times. We did this by getting hotel rooms next to each other, going into one, then the other. I know it sounds kind of corny because it was so planned, but it worked for us and the guys enjoyed it and we had fun.


    This evolved into another situation, but this time was not planned. After our New Years Eve party this year, we somehow got to talking about giving our guys blow jobs and they were into it, so yada yada yada, we gave the guys BJ sandwiches, this time we would suck off one husband at a time, but with the other husband watching while we took turns. It was very hot and erotic.


    That led to arranging a threesome night, back at the same hotel at the casino that we went to last time, and we are keeping the same arrangements. Two rooms, one husband at a time, this time we screw each other silly. So my girlfriend and I are really getting two threesomes out of this. Really getting excited writing about it even. It's set for this weekend, going to a ballgame, gambling in the casino, then going to the rooms. My guess is that just like last time, we won't spend much time at the casino and will go up to the room quickly. So that's our plan for a four person threesome in a manner that only Keiko can plan. If it's like all of our other interactions, it should go fine.


    Now I'll skip ahead to the actual night. I'm a planner and it went a little off my plan, but I'm OK with it (Entry 2):


    (April 23, 2016)


    OK, it's been a few days since this wild night happened, but just now finding time post it. We had a night of baseball, gambling, and group sex arranged for awhile, and finally went through with it on Saturday night. The game was a snoozer, so we left early and went to the the casino. That was kind of a flop as well, because I lost most of my husbands and my money at the craps table. I was on a roll and then lost and lost and lost. So that ended early too and we got up to the rooms by 1100pm. Not a good omen for the night, but still had hope for the threesome finale.


    We got up to the rooms and my husband and I went to our room and my girlfriend and her hubby went to theirs. The plan was for her to give us a few minutes and then come over to our room and us three would have a threesome and then I'd go to her room to return the favor. We hear a knock and I answer, and yes, it's my gf AND her husband. He said he wanted to be a spectator and surprisingly my husband was OK with it. A change in Keiko's plans, but hey, why not, the guys watched when we gave the BJ sandwiches last winter, so there is presedence.


    I approached my husband and began to kiss him while pushing him down onto the bed, then my gf and I went immediately for his waistband and I undid his belt and pulled down his pants and briefs to reveal his very hard cock. I motioned to her and she took it into her mouth as I took off the rest of his clothes, kissing his body as I did. I got him completely naked and then went down to where my gf was giving him a very hot BJ and joined in on the fun. As I was taking him in my mouth he started undressing me, after he got me completely naked, I became keenly aware that this was the first time my gf hubby had ever seen me completely naked, he'd seen my breasts before because I'm a flasher, but never completely, and this was arrousing to me. My husband and I then laid my girlfriend on the bed and together took her clothes off. After getting her nakkie, I began kissing her lips, then down to her breasts and at the same time my husband began to lick her pussy as she moaned. I went back to kissing her as my husband licked her and this was very sensuous having my tongue in her mouth as she moaned to the movement of my hubbys tongue in her. Then it was very new and hot to see my husband rise up and slowly place his dick into my gf. I kissed her breasts and back to her mouth all the while watching this amazing action between those two, so exciting as two worlds collided. He screwed her and came while doing it. He stood up and I laid down on my girl and we made out as I roughly (because I was still so excited) placed my fingers in her pussy and had my turn with her.


    After a little of girl time, we both looked up and motioned her husband over to the bed. He came over and we sat up on the edge of the bed. His pants were unbuckled because I assume he was jacking off watching the first round with my hubby. We yanked his Pants down exposing his bulge in his tight undies, and I love my husband and am 100% happy with him emotionally and sexually, but my gf's hubby has a very impressive, big cock. My husband has a normal size cock (I have experienced my share in my life) that is beautiful but her husbands cock is just kind of abnormally massive. So it was exciting to me to see this bulging through and was like opening a present on Christmas Day as I pulled his briefs down. I'm quivering a bit now just as I relate this moment. Anyway, since my husband was watching, I respectfully did not gasp as his penis rolled out of his briefs, but I was excited. We started sucking on his penis as he stood and she took the rest of his clothes off. She stood behind him rubbing her hands all over his nude body, kissing his ears and neck as I continued to take his cock into my mouth, or try to take it all in. He then gently pushed me back onto the bed and went down on me. I was on the side of the bed, he was leaning over with his knees on the floor, licking me as my gf worked her way down to his cock, while laying on the floor and continued to suck on him as he sucked on me. He then stood up, to enter me and my gf stood up, and this was cool, grabbed his dick with her hand, and guided it into my pussy and OMG! It was fantastic. I have been with a lot of guys, and women, but more guys than women, and this was by far the biggest guy I've had in me. It was f'n awesome and just different. He shoved that thing in and out of me so hard and he was so big, it was very different and I loved it. She was French kissing me as he came inside me and I moaned and screamed slightly almost biting her tongue. He pulled out and my gf went down to take him into her mouth, which was cool, because I'm sure both of our tastes were on him at that time and something I wish I would have done to my husband after he pulled out of her, but I didn't think of it. But it was a good ending to it.


    My husband came over and cuddled up with me rubbing his hands up and down my body as we all four kind of sat there naked and actually talked about what just happened, everyone seemed pleased. It was a blast. Probably more happened then I related, but it's hard to remember everything, so I just gave you what I really remembered the most. We got dressed and had a beer or two, me and my gf had a little make out session as she sat on my lap in a chair, but we were dressed and the guys were into a movie and somewhat ignored us as we made out, but we were fine with it.


    They went back to their room and my huband and I laid in bed talking about what we had did that night and we both just kind of fell asleep talking. I did wake up to him sticking his dick in me though and we had another good round of action before breakfast. I'm sure he woke aroused from what had happened the night before.


    We all had breakfast together and since we drove together, we had a lot to talk about on the ride home although not much of it was about the threesomes. But it was good and sweet, my gf and I cuddled in the back seat all the way home as the guys listened to the game on the radio. She had been wanting this for awhile, probably the first day she found out I was bisexual she brought up having a threesome with her husband. This is something she really wanted for him, and later for me, and just the way she held me tight on the way home made me realize she was satisfied that it finally happened. I imagine we will all get together again, but it's a fine line when others get involved and I need to be very careful to only rarely let my two worlds collide. It's a new direction in my relationship with my husband and gf, so I hope we all handle it well, I think it will.


    Full thread here, and thank you:




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    I sit here heavy. Even the air seems heady. Although there is nothing here. My mouth is dry, panting. Burning eyes. Spiraling. Spiraling again.

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    I am now out to my family, friends and co-workers, it has been a lot easier than I thought it would be. dating women on the other hand has been much harder than I ever thought. the emotions are so much deeper and so is the hurt.

  11. Woke up early this morning to a peaceful " what is usually a hustling and tumultuous day" with only

    the sounds of nature . The beautiful spring breeze rustling through the falling leaves , moving them along

    to make room for more , the different species of tropical birds basking in the beautiful light of day.

    To many a somber mood ,no TVs no loud conversations or music , or even an engine idling .It is as though

    everything stood still for good long while . It made me think of how beautiful it is to give way to any problem

    or, reason not to smile and enjoy that breath of life we are fortunate to have . :)


    Walking down a back road I stared at a very old tree , it was twisted, and bent over into the river almost

    as though it was drinking from it ,the first thing that came to mind was how long this tree has been around and with

    only the helpful hands of nature it continued to grow and live so many years with out a soul coming by to water

    it or care for it . There are times when all one needs is a little to gain a lot , much like the trees we can become strong

    often times fighting storms and heavy winds and remaining stable. Growing more and more wiser to things that life

    hands us .It's like a saying I was taught " Old is the wind but it stills blows" .


    This weekend many will pay their respects in their own way , and cherish what this humble holiday means to them

    others may go about it in a normal manner. All in all I can truly say I enjoy the true sound of serenity that lead me to write

    this blog , and no matter what unforeseen dilemma invades your tranquility ..know you are stronger and wiser than that problem

    cares to be , drink from the waters that quench the thirst you long , and above all cherish your serenity.



    Happy Easter to all *Hugs*


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    It's pretty surreal to be creating a blog post about something I've kept very personal in my life up until this point. But I've promised to start to be honest with myself, and I can't do that if I keep everything contained.


    I guess I'll start with the when. I've always known there was something different about me. It was hard to place my finger on it, other than a feeling of "otherness" in almost every social situation. I've described it to myself as not being on the same "wavelength" as others, or feeling like I don't have anything in common with those around me.


    I've always suffered from social anxiety, but now I'm starting to wonder if that isn't more of a symptom of my confusion around my sexual identity.


    When my friends asked "why aren't you dating" or "what's your type", I'd always deflect by saying that I'm focusing on myself first. Building a career, as a strong, independent, single woman. Intelligence, and someone I connect with, was my type. But inside, I really had no concept of what I really wanted. Instead I only had a vague understanding that I was simply destined to be alone forever. Resigned to the fact that I wasn't meant for relationships, because it has been so hard for me to connect with people before.

    But my life has been filled with close female friends. And while these have never been romantic, these relationships have been meaningful to me. And honestly, have allowed me to stay single for as long as I have.


    I've actively run from advances from guys. Good guys. Attractive guys. Guys that any straight girl would have been head over heels for. Yet still, I didn't acknowledge the truth.


    And over the past couple months, unexpected events have forced me to reflect on my entire life, and everything that matters. I've looked through photos of my childhood, read through high school yearbooks, thought about lifetime friendships and romances. And the realization of my sexuality (or ambiguity of it) hit me like a ton of bricks. Honestly, I'm shocked it wasn't more obvious to me before.


    The truth is, sex is in general is a foreign concept to me. I've spent so much of my life single, my sexual inexperience is truly one of my biggest insecurities and mysteries. I really have no idea what I'm actually attracted to.


    My whole life, I have fantasized about the idea of men, but without ever having found a man in real life that I've felt a deep emotional connection to, always been disappointed in the physical. Meanwhile, so much of my life has revolved around friendships with women, which have been emotionally fulfilling, but not something I have thought about sexually. I wish I could say that I've fantasized or had crushes on the women in my life, but that's also not true.


    I'm definitely feeling pretty lost right now. I feel like I've had this huge epiphany in my life that changes everything. But nothing has really changed, and I've only created more questions. A weight has been lifted from my shoulders, but I'm still just as lost as before.

    I've got a pretty long journey ahead, through unchartered, terrifying territory. But I guess it says something that for the first time ever, I'm optimistic about my future? And however uncomfortable or awkward putting myself out there right now is, it will hopefully be worth it?

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    After a massive day and a heap of reflection, I'll probably end blogging as quickly as I started, for the reason that I've got a mountain to climb, and I can only do that when I quieten my inner, and outer, voice...


    So I will leave blogging for now and end with this:


    Who would have thought that in the process of falling in love with someone different, that I'd become one?


    Who would have thought the saying 'you can't help who you fall in love with' would mean 'the self'. Cyclical: starting out with someone different and ultimately ending with, you guessed it, me. Finding out the person you became is the one you love.



    May we not compare others yet live in gratitude of difference.


    May our hearts be filled with self-love, and be over flowing with joy when we see love in others.


    May we pick others up and not look upon them with scorn or jealousy.


    May the love in our hearts grow to the point we no longer feed the darkness.


    Heartlove, one love. Blessing and Namaste.




    ... Now I can go back to climbing that mountain :)

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    So I've enjoyed blogging in the past about nothing in particular. So now I'll start one here. kInd of bored right now at the moment just watching tv. Not really sure what to write. Oh well maybe I'll come up with more later.

  12. Tiff888
    Latest Entry

    My life has changed so much in the past months. I not only started dating a female for the first time but I also married her. It all happened so quickly and I often wondered did I do the wrong thing. I love her, but do I really love her like she deserves to be loved. I've had other thoughts recently and she was well aware and supportive. However in the back of my mind something just wasn't right. The plans I had in my mind were interrupted because of my over emotional rants which is a downfall of me in a pregnancy. The following day the children and I were behind my wife in a vehicle as she was on her motorcycle. The kids were arguing as usual....and as I was about to say something to them a car pulled out in front of my wife. I had no clue in those seconds what the outcome would be. I've never had feelings like I did that day. Each phone call, each text, the doctors and nurses all giving me information on her's all a blur now. Fortunately a broken arm and road rash was the extent of her injuries. The road rash is more serious than one would think. Finding sand and even small rocks in her skin is not easy to deal with even for this former nurse. I feel like a horrible parent because my parents are keeping the children so I can take care of her and of myself and the Twins I'm expecting. I've wondered, has all of this happened to bring us closer together after me having other thoughts? It has definitely made me think and made me realize I do have the most amazing wife. She loves me despite my faults and failures. She loves my children unconditionally as she loves her own. Why would I even consider wanting anything more? As I think about this with tears in my eyes, I can't help but laugh at her and her stubbornness. She's mine, hard head and all.

  13. blog-0124179001456834612.png

    Watching Lord of the Rings and poor Legolas. No one ever listens to his gorgeous bitchass-face.


    They're in Moria - a place where THEY KNEW THERE'S TERRIFYING THINGS IN THE DARK, and Legolas tells them, "We cannot linger."


    They hear him and think, 'Well fuck it, let's linger here. At least until someone wakes up all of the orcs and then we can have an epic battle and nearly have the ring bearer murdered.'


    Then later Legolas tells them, "Yo dawgs, we need to not be on this island, because something evil is here and I'm like thousands of years old and you gais should listen to me."


    to which Aragorn says,


    "There will be a time when I will take your logical advice,"






    But that's not the main topic of this post. I'm just watching the movie now and can't shut up about it. The main topic of this post relates to my previous post - which was about February and about staying positive that February wasn't going to behave like the previous ones and be a pile of kangaroo dildos.


    Well, I tried.


    First - one of my best, most trusted friends ended their friendship with me on the 5th. I've buried the pain of that for another time. I'll shatter if I have to sort through that bombardment of emotion.


    Then, while I was still feeling awful about that, I did manage to get a job with someone kind and trustworthy.


    However, shortly after that, my rat Jadzia, pictured in my previous post, passed away and I can't begin to tell you how much it hurts to acknowledge that. She was my little baby, and it was so sudden and without explaination that she died and burying her in my garden was one of the hardest things to do. Hopefully my tears enriched the soil or some magical shit, because there were a lot of tears that day.


    Then it led to the realization that my last rat, Luna, was all alone without any friends. I felt awful and so did she. She took refuge in her coconut and wouldn't take food out of my hands anymore. She hardly made a peep and I want you to keep that bit of information in mind for later in this post because I'll be unleashing some heavy bullshit on you.


    About a week later, I was able to afford getting her two new friends - named Percy and Bella.


    Bella is short for Bellatrix because one of those little rats is fucking insane.


    I've never seen a rat try to chew metal, my fingers, and the very cardboard carry box they came in BUT HOLY SHIT GIRL YOU NEED TO CALM DOWN. She chewed her way out of the carry box the first day I got her. Got loose in the car and my mom was like wtfiswrongwithyouyaneedjeezus


    She even managed to give me the slip. I opened the cage door to play with Luna and to start socializing myself with the new babies and she did a damn MLG montage worthy, Mission Ratpossible escape from the cage and was loose in my closet for at least 20 minutes before I realized that something was afoot. Got her back and have had a close eye on her since.


    The moment Luna saw Bella however (we were transporting her in the vehicle with us), she left her coconut and was happy for the first time in over a week. I felt like a weight of sadness was lifted; seeing my super inquisitive, energetic Luna become so depressed that she would hardly move for days was terrible.


    Now, now, ready for a trip up bullshit mountain? Well strap right in; we've got refreshments and Pauly Shore. Wait no, no, come back!




    After Jadzia died, I had to leave the house for several days. This would've meant leaving Luna all alone for 4 to 5 days. Without a playmate, without human stimiulation. It's not something I could ever, ever do, and I called up my brother & sister-in-law to ask him if I could bring her with me to their house.


    Mind you, they have two (non-aggressive) dogs, and a super old cat. And when I say old? I mean, every time I show up over the house and I see that he's still alive, I'm amazed. I'm like, "Whoa! He's still here? Damn strong cat food you've got there. I need the recipe."


    They have a room I can keep Luna in, and she'd be the most quiet thing they've ever had in the house.


    I bring Luna over, but I can tell, that my relatives think it's difficult... to have a super depressed animal, in a portable cage, in a closed room. Apparently. They don't come out an say it, but I know they think I'm silly for being so compassionate to a rat. They haven't quite escaped the belief that rats are pests and/or strange pets and what I'm doing is the equivalent (in their minds) of weeping over a dead fish.


    One of the days that I'm there, my nephew finally meets Luna and says how much he likes and wants to play with her. He even says that if I have to leave her that he'd watch/feed her. I feel much better about the situation with Luna staying in the house afterwards. I mean, that's fucking support right there!


    Couple days later, I have to help with my disabled sibling's doctor's appointment. AND IT'S HELL ON EARTH. Getting yourself ready for a visit is one thing. Getting someone ready (bed bathing, and everything hygiene) at a house that's not your own, for someone that's disabled is flippin' difficult beyond belief. To put that into perspective - we started getting ready at 9am. To leave at 3pm. AND WERE ALMOST LATE. It's a special, stressful hell that no one in our family truly understands (and how could they?), and as we were leaving, to realized something unfortunate.


    The plan was to take everything with us (because we live over an hour away from the relatives) and after the doctor's visit, to go home and unpack everything. However, if I were to take Luna with me I would have to leave her for two hours in a hot car once I went into the building to assist in the visit.


    Two hours in a hot car = super dead rat, 100% my fault.


    So, I made the decision in the middle of a clusterfuck of unimagineable stress to leave Luna (with full water and food) at my relative's house. Also, in the stress the windows were left open. Nephew would've shown up about, an hour or so after we left, so we left fresh cooked food for everyone as well.


    Apparently everything we did was a bit of a problem.


    I could already tell that they didn't care for the rat, but having to leave her again made them stressed. And the windows. They were worried about the windows, and it's fairly understandable concern right?


    I we be, if they didn't do the same thing ALL THE TIME. They've gone to sleep, with their sliding glass door unlocked. A door, I'd like to state LEADS DIRECTLY INTO THEIR ROOM. They've left the front windows open at midnight. 80% of the time I'm the 'paranoid one' closing windows and locking doors when they've been left open.


    As for the food, they thought it wasn't for them, because it was... left on a stove?

    idk wtf their reasoning was.

    We forgot to call them and explain in the middle of heart attack inducing stress, and when I got home, I crashed completely.

    I woke up and heard my mom speaking to them, and listening to their carefully worded complaints.


    You know,

    "Just let us know the next time," equals, "YO, WTF IS THIS RAT?" but stated sweetly.



    THEN I HEAR SOME SERIOUS BULLSHIT. Like, bullshit that stole my breath away.


    My nephew- remember him? The one that said how much he loved the rat?


    Said he didn't want the rat around him.


    Because she made too much noise at night and kept him up.


    I'll give you a moment to let that sink in.


    So... you're telling me...

    that a rat...

    with no friends...

    wallowing in depression...

    hiding in a coconut endlessly, to the point...

    that even I can't get her to come out...


    is making too much noise?


    You sure there, buddy?


    Apparently sitting in a small corner, not moving an inch sounds like bomb shells to him.


    Seems like a 180 degrees of turnaround fuckery isn't it?




    If I felt that Luna was unwelcomed with my nephew, I would've found another plan for her. Something, anything other than having a two-faced relative making me feel unwelcome and cumbersome to my family's household. I felt an intense rage for the fact that my mother and I are drowning in financial woes and dealing with the 24-hour care of a mentally and physically disabled person and they think leaving a window open is stressful.


    They think a tiny rat is worrisome.


    They think food left on the stove, still warm for them to eat, is worth complaining over.


    Man, I hope they never have to deal with actual issues, because they'd be SCREWED.


    I would love to have their problems. I would love to have the luxury of worrying over unimportant bullshit, but my life wasn't designed like that. My life was designed for stress and strife, and I'm fucking glad it is because after I've gone through all of this garbage, I'll be the most tough, intelligent, proud woman you've ever seen. All in all, this month was shit, but it's all good with me and I've got my pets to keep me mentally happy in the meantime.


    I think I'll end this post on this good note and in a few days, post the rest. Because that's only a about half the month. Yeeehp. Only half. Next post will have very good personal news, artwork, and a little more bullshit (but it will be shorter, because damn the words got away from me).


    All I have to say now that Feb is done and March is here,


    Ahhhhhhhhh yeahhhhhhhh.



  14. There are quite literally a million things I could say. There is so much I want to say, so much I want to tell, but I can't.


    Honestly, I feel like the choices I have made will be the ones I regret in my future, whether in a year or ten years. I am so afraid of that, and yet, there is nothing I can really do to change it. I feel stuck. I feel alone. I feel like I want to rip my hair out and scream at the top of my lungs.


    I will never be good enough for anyone. I am not good enough for my boyfriend (though he now claims I am); he told me after some prodding that I am unattractive to him lately because I have been overweight.


    I will never be good enough for a girl for whom I care, because I broke her heart and don't deserve her, and I can't give her what she wants/needs, because I am insane and unable to do what I should. She is the one who said she loves me for me.


    That seems like a no brainer. My boyfriend is just so emotionally unavailable, but he doesn't mean to be... I know parts of him really care, but I just wish I could see that, and believe it.


    I need to be emotionally nurtured, and I am not getting that. Do you live the rest of your life that way because someone is your best friend and you have been with them for nine years? Or do you think beyond them, and look to others to make you feel...okay?


    I have no idea, really, what I'm writing. I don't even know what I'm thinking. Like I said, I just want to rip my hair and scream.


    I wish I was a normal person, who just likes what they like, and doesn't have to apologize for anything, and is just happy day to day. Why am I so effed up? I feel sick knowing that this is my life, this is what I have to look forward to until I'm gone, the lack of self-worth and the inability to do what is best/wanted most for me.



  15. A lot has happened since I last posted, Me and J got engaged in December when I was visiting her and then she came and spent Christmas with me and my family :) We are nearing the end of my K1 visa process and I'm hoping to move to be with her in May.


    Hope everyone is well.