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  • GypsyButterfly

    A Note Just For You

    By GypsyButterfly

    If I don't phone, text or email you, please know you're still in my mind & heart. Which is why I can't contact you. It would hurt too much. It might lessen in time, but, I don't know if it will ever completely go away. If you reach out to me (which I hope that you will), I may not answer or get back with you. Believe me, I want to, more than anything. I'm keeping all of the messages. Even if they seem to be deleted, I saved them elsewhere. Right now, I don't have my phone on much & I'm not checking my email. The phone would probably be the best place,though, when you want to get a hold of me.

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    Watching Lord of the Rings and poor Legolas. No one ever listens to his gorgeous bitchass-face.


    They're in Moria - a place where THEY KNEW THERE'S TERRIFYING THINGS IN THE DARK, and Legolas tells them, "We cannot linger."


    They hear him and think, 'Well fuck it, let's linger here. At least until someone wakes up all of the orcs and then we can have an epic battle and nearly have the ring bearer murdered.'


    Then later Legolas tells them, "Yo dawgs, we need to not be on this island, because something evil is here and I'm like thousands of years old and you gais should listen to me."


    to which Aragorn says,


    "There will be a time when I will take your logical advice,"






    But that's not the main topic of this post. I'm just watching the movie now and can't shut up about it. The main topic of this post relates to my previous post - which was about February and about staying positive that February wasn't going to behave like the previous ones and be a pile of kangaroo dildos.


    Well, I tried.


    First - one of my best, most trusted friends ended their friendship with me on the 5th. I've buried the pain of that for another time. I'll shatter if I have to sort through that bombardment of emotion.


    Then, while I was still feeling awful about that, I did manage to get a job with someone kind and trustworthy.


    However, shortly after that, my rat Jadzia, pictured in my previous post, passed away and I can't begin to tell you how much it hurts to acknowledge that. She was my little baby, and it was so sudden and without explaination that she died and burying her in my garden was one of the hardest things to do. Hopefully my tears enriched the soil or some magical shit, because there were a lot of tears that day.


    Then it led to the realization that my last rat, Luna, was all alone without any friends. I felt awful and so did she. She took refuge in her coconut and wouldn't take food out of my hands anymore. She hardly made a peep and I want you to keep that bit of information in mind for later in this post because I'll be unleashing some heavy bullshit on you.


    About a week later, I was able to afford getting her two new friends - named Percy and Bella.


    Bella is short for Bellatrix because one of those little rats is fucking insane.


    I've never seen a rat try to chew metal, my fingers, and the very cardboard carry box they came in BUT HOLY SHIT GIRL YOU NEED TO CALM DOWN. She chewed her way out of the carry box the first day I got her. Got loose in the car and my mom was like wtfiswrongwithyouyaneedjeezus


    She even managed to give me the slip. I opened the cage door to play with Luna and to start socializing myself with the new babies and she did a damn MLG montage worthy, Mission Ratpossible escape from the cage and was loose in my closet for at least 20 minutes before I realized that something was afoot. Got her back and have had a close eye on her since.


    The moment Luna saw Bella however (we were transporting her in the vehicle with us), she left her coconut and was happy for the first time in over a week. I felt like a weight of sadness was lifted; seeing my super inquisitive, energetic Luna become so depressed that she would hardly move for days was terrible.


    Now, now, ready for a trip up bullshit mountain? Well strap right in; we've got refreshments and Pauly Shore. Wait no, no, come back!




    After Jadzia died, I had to leave the house for several days. This would've meant leaving Luna all alone for 4 to 5 days. Without a playmate, without human stimiulation. It's not something I could ever, ever do, and I called up my brother & sister-in-law to ask him if I could bring her with me to their house.


    Mind you, they have two (non-aggressive) dogs, and a super old cat. And when I say old? I mean, every time I show up over the house and I see that he's still alive, I'm amazed. I'm like, "Whoa! He's still here? Damn strong cat food you've got there. I need the recipe."


    They have a room I can keep Luna in, and she'd be the most quiet thing they've ever had in the house.


    I bring Luna over, but I can tell, that my relatives think it's difficult... to have a super depressed animal, in a portable cage, in a closed room. Apparently. They don't come out an say it, but I know they think I'm silly for being so compassionate to a rat. They haven't quite escaped the belief that rats are pests and/or strange pets and what I'm doing is the equivalent (in their minds) of weeping over a dead fish.


    One of the days that I'm there, my nephew finally meets Luna and says how much he likes and wants to play with her. He even says that if I have to leave her that he'd watch/feed her. I feel much better about the situation with Luna staying in the house afterwards. I mean, that's fucking support right there!


    Couple days later, I have to help with my disabled sibling's doctor's appointment. AND IT'S HELL ON EARTH. Getting yourself ready for a visit is one thing. Getting someone ready (bed bathing, and everything hygiene) at a house that's not your own, for someone that's disabled is flippin' difficult beyond belief. To put that into perspective - we started getting ready at 9am. To leave at 3pm. AND WERE ALMOST LATE. It's a special, stressful hell that no one in our family truly understands (and how could they?), and as we were leaving, to realized something unfortunate.


    The plan was to take everything with us (because we live over an hour away from the relatives) and after the doctor's visit, to go home and unpack everything. However, if I were to take Luna with me I would have to leave her for two hours in a hot car once I went into the building to assist in the visit.


    Two hours in a hot car = super dead rat, 100% my fault.


    So, I made the decision in the middle of a clusterfuck of unimagineable stress to leave Luna (with full water and food) at my relative's house. Also, in the stress the windows were left open. Nephew would've shown up about, an hour or so after we left, so we left fresh cooked food for everyone as well.


    Apparently everything we did was a bit of a problem.


    I could already tell that they didn't care for the rat, but having to leave her again made them stressed. And the windows. They were worried about the windows, and it's fairly understandable concern right?


    I we be, if they didn't do the same thing ALL THE TIME. They've gone to sleep, with their sliding glass door unlocked. A door, I'd like to state LEADS DIRECTLY INTO THEIR ROOM. They've left the front windows open at midnight. 80% of the time I'm the 'paranoid one' closing windows and locking doors when they've been left open.


    As for the food, they thought it wasn't for them, because it was... left on a stove?

    idk wtf their reasoning was.

    We forgot to call them and explain in the middle of heart attack inducing stress, and when I got home, I crashed completely.

    I woke up and heard my mom speaking to them, and listening to their carefully worded complaints.


    You know,

    "Just let us know the next time," equals, "YO, WTF IS THIS RAT?" but stated sweetly.



    THEN I HEAR SOME SERIOUS BULLSHIT. Like, bullshit that stole my breath away.


    My nephew- remember him? The one that said how much he loved the rat?


    Said he didn't want the rat around him.


    Because she made too much noise at night and kept him up.


    I'll give you a moment to let that sink in.


    So... you're telling me...

    that a rat...

    with no friends...

    wallowing in depression...

    hiding in a coconut endlessly, to the point...

    that even I can't get her to come out...


    is making too much noise?


    You sure there, buddy?


    Apparently sitting in a small corner, not moving an inch sounds like bomb shells to him.


    Seems like a 180 degrees of turnaround fuckery isn't it?




    If I felt that Luna was unwelcomed with my nephew, I would've found another plan for her. Something, anything other than having a two-faced relative making me feel unwelcome and cumbersome to my family's household. I felt an intense rage for the fact that my mother and I are drowning in financial woes and dealing with the 24-hour care of a mentally and physically disabled person and they think leaving a window open is stressful.


    They think a tiny rat is worrisome.


    They think food left on the stove, still warm for them to eat, is worth complaining over.


    Man, I hope they never have to deal with actual issues, because they'd be SCREWED.


    I would love to have their problems. I would love to have the luxury of worrying over unimportant bullshit, but my life wasn't designed like that. My life was designed for stress and strife, and I'm fucking glad it is because after I've gone through all of this garbage, I'll be the most tough, intelligent, proud woman you've ever seen. All in all, this month was shit, but it's all good with me and I've got my pets to keep me mentally happy in the meantime.


    I think I'll end this post on this good note and in a few days, post the rest. Because that's only a about half the month. Yeeehp. Only half. Next post will have very good personal news, artwork, and a little more bullshit (but it will be shorter, because damn the words got away from me).


    All I have to say now that Feb is done and March is here,


    Ahhhhhhhhh yeahhhhhhhh.



  2. There are quite literally a million things I could say. There is so much I want to say, so much I want to tell, but I can't.


    Honestly, I feel like the choices I have made will be the ones I regret in my future, whether in a year or ten years. I am so afraid of that, and yet, there is nothing I can really do to change it. I feel stuck. I feel alone. I feel like I want to rip my hair out and scream at the top of my lungs.


    I will never be good enough for anyone. I am not good enough for my boyfriend (though he now claims I am); he told me after some prodding that I am unattractive to him lately because I have been overweight.


    I will never be good enough for a girl for whom I care, because I broke her heart and don't deserve her, and I can't give her what she wants/needs, because I am insane and unable to do what I should. She is the one who said she loves me for me.


    That seems like a no brainer. My boyfriend is just so emotionally unavailable, but he doesn't mean to be... I know parts of him really care, but I just wish I could see that, and believe it.


    I need to be emotionally nurtured, and I am not getting that. Do you live the rest of your life that way because someone is your best friend and you have been with them for nine years? Or do you think beyond them, and look to others to make you feel...okay?


    I have no idea, really, what I'm writing. I don't even know what I'm thinking. Like I said, I just want to rip my hair and scream.


    I wish I was a normal person, who just likes what they like, and doesn't have to apologize for anything, and is just happy day to day. Why am I so effed up? I feel sick knowing that this is my life, this is what I have to look forward to until I'm gone, the lack of self-worth and the inability to do what is best/wanted most for me.



  3. A lot has happened since I last posted, Me and J got engaged in December when I was visiting her and then she came and spent Christmas with me and my family :) We are nearing the end of my K1 visa process and I'm hoping to move to be with her in May.


    Hope everyone is well.

  4. I am fully revved tonight, I don't really know why but I am. I sometimes have an unbelievable sex drive, one I think my energy level cannot keep up with. I know sometimes my husband cannot keep up with and it's not his fault really. I just want to do it over and over again until I'm so exhausted I fall asleep. I know that I'm on the verge of it now, like if I laid down I could go to sleep but damn it, I want more sex.


    I want to wake up in the morning with her in my arms, tangled up in us both. Warm and cuddling. When his body cannot keep us warm, then my body will. I can kiss on her, do all sort of things to her body, until our moans wake him up. Then we can both feast on you while you simply just lie there and drown in the ecstasy. Then you can return the favor, and I can wriggle underneath both tongues. Then, while he is buried deep inside of me, I can be buried deep inside you. Over and over until at last he finally explodes inside of me. While he lays in a panting heap, I can continue to torture you, until we both collapse next to each other. Laying naked in our own sweat and trembling bodies. I want the room to smell like us, to share the experience but for you to know that you are mine alone. I want to sleep until the afternoon, then slowly move to take a shower with you. Washing and drawing your body into a deep relaxing haze. He would join only for a moment, to make sure that I was okay and that he knew how much he loved me until we stepped out. Making a naked line toward the bed, where I shall devour you until he finishes up in the shower. Where we shall begin again.


    Over and over until the night has swallowed the world around us. Till pure exhaustion has taken over us.

  5. sweetersong
    Latest Entry

    Only two weeks till I get to go and see N &K. N (the guy) and I are definitely closer, we have practically fallen for eachother, but I am hoping at least a close metamour friendship develops between K and I, and I known she feels the same, will see what happens.


    Just want to hold N in my arms and have a big cuddle with him.


    Amazing that I have fallen for a guy again, didn't expect it tbh as I longed more for a relationship with a woman.



  6. I joined shys I'm September 2011. I joined not because I was confused or having an identity crisis. I was lonely. Sure, I had lots of friends (including my husband) that knew about my sexuality...but no one that could relate to it. Being an incredibly reserved person, I sometimes struggle with making new friends. So when I found an online forum with like-minded women I was really excited!



    I quickly met lots of very interesting people, some of which I have the pleasure of still calling friends. I fell into a couple situations that weren't ideal for me and what I truly needed. I had some horrible experiences with people I trusted happen to me. I made lots of mistakes. With those mistakes I grew and started to figure out the person I wanted to be. 



    At the start of last year, I'd decided I was going to have a year about me. I wanted to do things for myself and focus on making me happy. I experienced things that had been on my dreams list. I traveled. I went out to concerts and theater productions. I spent time with my friends more. I started to come out of my shell. 



    It was during this year of self discovery that I met someone I immediately connected with. It happened innocently enough when we bonded over liking some of the same music. What followed was an immediate friendship and connection I had never experienced before. She was married, like me. Bisexual, like me. Sarcastic and kinda rude, like me. Sometimes it felt like I was talking into a mirror. She was going through a period of self discovery, too, and I was happy to support her through it. I knew I found a friend that would always be part of my life. 



    As time went on, feelings grew. We decided to see how we got along face to face. To say I was a jumble of nerves would be an understatement. All of that hesitation and nervousness melted away the second we kissed for the first time. For the first time in my life I was just relaxed and happy. While it wasn't immediate, I slowly began to accept the fact that I wasn't bisexual, but actually a lesbian (my husband and I are still grest friends). Having her be there for me during that time is something I'll never be able to thank her enough for.



    As the months progressed, so did our relationship. Visits increased, as did our closeness. We met each others families. Things that I struggled in with every relationship prior - communication, being open about my feelings, having a willingness to commit - all just kinda came naturally. Things I swore I never wanted became things that I can now see as part of my life. I've joked in the past that she was everything I always needed, but everything I never wanted. She gets me. I get her. For the first time I feel like I've been living as my authentic self...having the life I was always meant to have. 



    Even though I was fulfilled romantically, there was still something nagging at me. I've struggled with depression and anxiety for a good portion of my adult life. I used to never allow myself to even say those words. I finally decided to do something about it and went to a medical professional about it. Getting that weight off my chest has been huge. I started medication, and have felt much better as a result. It was certainly a positive note to end the year of me on. 



    It's funny...when I joined shys, I chose my name because it was a song I loved - Whatsername. I think subconsciously I chose it because I really didn't have a clear idea of who I was. A little less than 4.5 years later, I know exactly who I am. I'm a lesbian. I'm a good friend. I'm a girlfriend. I'm a goofball. I'm adventurous. I'm...happy. 



    For the first time, I'm living my life. I've had less and less time for shys as of late, and haven't felt myself clinging to it as I once did. So while I don't see a need for this site in my life as I once did, I am incredibly thankful for what it has done for my life. This post is more of a see you later than a goodbye. I don't know when (or if) that will change, but hey, anything can happen.



    I'm no longer Whatsername...I'm just Whitney. And that's awesome. 

  7. 9 here!


    Whoever has seen my Shybi profile, will recognize the following story as my "About me" information. I'm posting it here to talk about those girls previous to the one from the story, girls I never really wanted something with, but girls that I was kind of attracted or even infatuated with. The difference between those and the one from the story, it's that I wanted something with the later, she made me want to take action, the others did not. Also, this one seemed interested as well, the others did not.


    So here, before starting, it's my "about me" again:


    "I still remember the first time I locked eyes with a woman I liked. We crossed the street at the same time, she was going one way, I was going the other way. I thought I was never going to see her again, but I was wrong. 15 minutes later I entered a movie theatre and there she was. She was selling popcorn, I was in line to buy a margarita (best place to watch movies!).


    She recognized me and gave me the most beautiful smile ever. We talked for a bit while my friend insisted we were going to be late for the movie.


    I came back to the same theatre about 4 times in the next few days. Unfortunately, my friend was always there (at any mention of me going to watch a movie, he would always be the gentleman and insist on accompaning me), so we didn't say anything more than "hello's" and "glad's to see you're back".


    I would go home every day thinking of her, but never had the courage to say anything.


    Eventually I stopped going, and when I decided to come back, she wasn't working there anymore."



    Now, I want to go back at least ten years, maybe a bit more, to my first years of high school. I had just transfered to this big all women high school, and everything was super new to me. As a way to shake that weird I-don't-belong-here feeling off, I signed up for every extracurricular activity I could find.


    That got me some friends fast, and even more important, it got me to met this girl, María*. She was one year older than me, she wasn't particularly pretty, not ugly either, just a normal 15 year old girl, but she was nice, and there was something about her that I liked. She was part of the Softball team, and since noone from my class was part of it, I started hanging out with her and her friends,


    I remembered looking at her more than I'd look at anyone else, but I thought I was just curious about her, and never, in those times I'd look at her, I considered the possibility of a relatiionship different from friendship with her.


    I think I should also mention that, to that day, I had never really met anyone that was gay or bisexual, and for me, those were foreign concepts that existed only when I'd sneak out to the tv room at midnight every monday, to watch in awe this show called the L word, but that's a story for another time.


    What I liked more about María, was that she wasn't really the popular type, or the nerdy type, she wasn't the best player of the team, and as I said, she wasn't the prettiest, but her friends all seem to gravitate towards her, and I guess whatever that was, captivated me as well.


    I had a pretty late sexual awakening, and during all those high school years, when all my friends started having their first real boyfriends and relationships, I was focused on the next match, the next concert or the next play. I couldn't care less about boys (or girls) and I was fine with it.


    So, María, yet intriguing, was never really a crush of mine (at least I never consider her as one).



    Now, I want to fast forward six years to some of my post secundary years.


    Just as with school, I transfered universities a couple of times, and in one of those places I met this girl *Raquel. We were only about 4 girls in the whole program, so we all became close friends rather quickly.


    At this point, I had been "exposed" to a bigger world than when I was in high school, but still, that I knew of, I had just met maybe three lesbians and one gay guy in my entire life. I think it's important to note that I wasn't exactly sheltered, it's just that people where not that open (and still are not) about their sexuality in the circles I moved at the time.


    The thing with this girl Raquel was, that even though in reality all I wanted was to be friends with her, she opened a door I hadn't open before. You see, I used to laugh a bit when my friends imagined their future with their crushes or boyfriends, because I thought it was streatching their relationship too much. But then, here I was, imagining what it would be for me to grow older with Raquel, have a family with her and all the things that come with that.


    Again, as weird as it might sound, I didn't even fancied here sexually, it was more about me feeling we were very compatible and that it was someone like her, if not her, that I wanted for my future. I spent weeks fantazising about that, but when I saw her face to face, I had no real desire to have something with her, it was more, I think, that I gave her looks and traits to an imaginary character in my mind.



    I transfered universities once more, and in the place where I finially completed my degree, I met a wider spectrum of people than ever before, and suddenly half my friends were gay, or lesbians, or big allies of the LGBTIA+ community. That felt great, because before that, I always felt kind of pushed out everytime I presented myself as an ally of said community.


    I grew up more comfortable with all that, but never really fancied any girl I met, and even politely (and not so much) declined the advances of a couple of girls that came after me (I don't regret it, but sometimes I feel like I could have at least explore the path with any of them).


    And that was me, until the day I met the movie girl, about a year after graduating from university.


    This time was different, I felt how both my mind and my body reacted to her looking at me, talking to me, how whatever was happening to me would increase every time I went back and she recognized me, how I was begining to realize it was attraction, in the purest form, what I was feeling.


    I guess this three women are the main reason I'm part of this forum today, and I wanted to mention them as part as that introspective journey I decided to take when I joined Shybi, all in search of whatever makes me happy.


    Until next time,




    *Not their real names, just in case.

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    Recent Entries

    Ok, so first off if you're reading this, Hi! I've been single now for about two years and I think I'm finally at a point where I'm ready to start dating again. The problem? I don't really know how to approach people. I have always considered myself socially awkward and it seems like dating is suddenly harder. I've tried going to bars, but everyone I meet seems to just want to be friends. I've tried online dating, but everyone there seems to be only interested in hooking up. So, here I am, single, awkward, and trying to figure out where to go from here.

  8. RubyStarlight
    Latest Entry

    Gosh it has been so long since I have posted on shys in a blog. I rarely use shys these days but it's nice that I still have this place for days like to do when I have something on my mind that I want to get out.


    Life has changed lately. It's stable finally after a lot of trial and error finding what works for us as a family with regards to work/study/looking after kids and Faiths health. It seems pretty stable, but you know what life is like it doesn't always go that way for long before something comes along and shakes it up.


    So what brings me to blog today... What fills my head that I want and need to let out somewhere... Life does, that's what.


    As some of you know back on September 30th I asked Faith to be my wife, to spend forever with me and be my one and only for life. I'd wanted to propose to her for quite some time but didn't want to do it too soon or rushed but also didn't want to wait too long either. July was when I initially made the decision to buy a ring and ask the question. I went shopping, looked at every ring possible. In the end I decided on a white gold, canadian iced diamond solitaire. She'd told me before that she liked that range before so it had narrowed down my choice.The day I went in to view them I fell in love with one, it had the most amazing sparkling diamond I'd ever seen. It was just beautiful but I didn't have anywhere near that amount of money so put down a small deposit and they ordered it in. It took a good few weeks but I loved paying it off. Any extra penny I had would go towards that ring, calling up and doing it over the phone, going in when I could. I wanted it paid off as quickly as I could. When I finally paid the balance off and got to take it home I was with my mum and kids. It was such a happy feeling knowing that I could finally ask her. How would I do it though? That was the next challenge what would I do that would make it special and memorable and more importantly a surprise? I looked at so many ideas, seriously everything you can think of I looked into it from flash mobs to skywriting. In the end I decided to hire a hill top wigwam and make it special to us. It over looked the forth road and rail bridge and I wanted the timing to fit to be sunset. I booked it about a week and a half before and then started buying little touches, star covered materials in different colours, a star projector, little pink love hearts, got all the pictures of the 2 of us together since we met printed out and set about putting my plan into place to propose. On the day my mum, daughter and I went to the wigwams and checked in. Then the work began making it special and perfect for the proposal. My mum took Rebecca away to the park and games room in the complex and I went in to the wigwam. I put pictures up over the walls, lined the room in fairy lights and draped up the lovely star fabric, about 2 hours later the room was finally ready for the proposal. Next, I spent time making my sign, I used stickers, stars and 2 hearts playing cards ( our song is All of me by John ledgend, both showing hearts was symbolic to us) and made the sign to say, Will you marry me. All sorted and perfect.


    After a few hours had past It was time to go get G (Faith) from work. I wanted it to be a complete surprise. I didn't want her to know that I was planning to propose, so I casually told her that we were going for dinnner and then to go somewhere to watch the sunset. When we arrived at the restaurant though it was fully booked so we couldn't go there. (surprising for a Wednesday night) So I said to her we'd just go to the place I liked to watch the sunset. God was she confused. She thought I was parking outside someone else's wigwam to watch incredable views. When I opened the door to it she just looked stunned. I was down on one knee and asked her to be my wife. Her saying yes was incredable. I was so happy just to have her agree to be my wife.


    The next few months I went in to wedding planning mode like crazy, we booked a venue in Loch Lomond, I chose my bridesmaids and started putting everything together but the venue fell through and we went back to square one. Now though, we have made some changes. We're eloping and getting married on a beach with just the kids and our parents and things seem to be going well with this plan. It feels more right than the last one, like it's "us".


    With other things in life I seem to be struggling at the moment. My ex husband seems to have checked out as a dad. I know deep down he loves and cares for the kids but work and his new gf take priority and the kids seem like an after thought. I want him to be happy, I want him to have a good life but I don't like her at all, this part of me that spent 12 years of my life with him wants to shake him. I want her to snap out of what ever he's thinking when it comes to her and find someone better. He's bewitched. She's 22, she's on drugs and has a 2 year old (the same age as our daughter) Who is being looked after by social services because she's not able to be a mum. Now my ex husband wont see our children without her being there too!! So I end up having to either stop him having contact and deal with a heart broken 10 year old son, who misses his dad more than anything in the world or let him be around THAT! It's awful!!! I trust that the kids will be safe with him being there, I just hate that he's chosen a partner who is as awful as this girl. I wish he'd found a nice girl, someone stable but I get no say obviously and he does his own thing.


    University work, I enjoy. I'm in my second year of my forensic psychology degree, but with my mood being so low lately and having depression back means I've been struggling to do it. It's like I have a deep sadness all the time at the moment. I can look around me and know I'm happy and have so much to be happy and thankful for but I just have a "feeling" like life is going to fall apart and I'm going to lose everything. I don't know why I feel this way. It makes no sense, but that feeling is there and I can't shake it. *Sigh* I feel like a rubbish mum, a rubbish partner and rubbish person. I hate depression I really do!! Can't wait for it to pass and to feel better.


    I've got a lot coming up to look forward to. I have a break away in Newcastle with my best friend in March, we've not had a lot of time together lately so that'll be good. My fiancee and I have loads coming up too. We have 2 concerts and our second anniversary and also 1st anniversary of us moving in together. Eek!! It's so exciting!


    Our relationship is still amazing, I'm still very very loved up with her, I have however realised that with being in a relationship where you are so crazy, happy, loved up that it is also scary when they go away. She went to her mums for a few days last week and I felt awful! It was like I didn't know how to cope with her going away, it frightened me. I actually felt like I was missing half of me, I felt sick and like I was grieving her. So when it came time for her to come back I freaked out and didn't know how to cope with her coming back either. It's tough, but I realised that I have become too attached, too clingy and I need to try and be a little more independant again, because way I felt wasn't healthy at all, especially as she'll be going to visit her mum next month and more often. I don't want to feel broken because she's away. I need to build some strength on my own. I don't really know where to start with it, but I'm going to give it a go. It's partly why I decided to go away with my friend. To try and learn how to breath when she's gone, because I have to. Falling apart because she's 500 miles away for a few days isn't an option, especially with 2 kids and a house to look after. In my previous relationships I was always very seperate, very independant and with G, I don't want to be but I've went from one extreme to another and with her having to go away some times I need to not be that way, I need to learn a balance.


    So back to wedding planning...


    We have it booked!!! on 10th of July 2017, we are getting married on a beach in the outer hebredes!! :D We've booked celebrant, we've booked photographers and next we are buying rings. We also plan to buy our first home together in 2017!!! It's going to be a big year. We don't know where we'll live, but we just want a happy, family life with our 2 amazing kids!!


    So 2016.... I don't want it to be a year waiting for 2017. I want this year to be fun...


    By 2017 I want to have been to a murder mystery weeked, I want to have been to a club, I want to have travelled somewhere and I want to have expended some horrizons!! I turn 30 this year!! :O I want to enjoy my last 6 months in my 20's.


    I'm very lucky, I have an amazing fiancee who I love with all my heart, 2 perfect and happy kids and opportunities to live more. I know this depression i'm in will go away when weather gets better and the sun comes back but for now I'm chosing to be happy, to try my hardest to not let this get the better of me and to enjoy the good things! :)


    Hope you are all doing well! Maybe even see some of you at our Wedding Party when we come back ;) I don't like connect much with shy's anymore but I'm greatful to the friends I have made here. Much love to you all xxxxxx

  9. Post Christmas 2015.

    In the early hours of morning I just wanted to write a bit here to reflect a little on my first few weeks of separation.


    We've had a long and mostly happy marriage, devoted to our two kids. I've known I'm gay for a long time but kept it at bay. Over the last few years I've found it harder and harder to do this. I went through a year of counselling which helped me to find my inner strength and embrace these feelings.


    Both me and my husband were becoming more and more affected by my lack of desire for him sexually. We are both passionate people and this difficult and complex issue of me being a gay woman in a heterosexual marriage was becoming a very big problem for us. We love each other dearly but with a massive void at the centre. Looking back over the last two or three years we have been carefully and slowly uncoupling, not always aware of what we were doing but essentially releasing each other from our long partnership in the hope we could both find the happiness we each deserve. It's been an act of deep love and understanding, often tough and emotionally difficult. We agreed to open our marriage.


    During this time I joined Shys and two years ago now started a relationship with a woman I met on here. I fell in love with her in the way I always dreamed of. The chemistry between us is mind blowing, she's beautiful and amazing on many levels. Neither of us were looking for this. It's been unexpected but a wonderful gift.


    So a month ago now we finally both felt ready to separate. The easiest and softest option for the kids was for him to move out, renting close to us until we can sort things out permanently. He's totally supportive and sees the kids most days. It's so much better for all of us without the tension hanging like a cloud. I feel like a weight's been lifted off my shoulders, the guilt and difficulties of having a girlfriend and being married (even though just as friends for over a year now) have melted away. That turmoil I secretly harboured inside me for all those years has gone. I now feel an inner peace and happiness I don't honestly think I've felt before.


    I have different worries now and I know this will be a tough year with big changes to face but I do know without question this massive step has been the right one to take. We've both been true to ourselves and I wish my husband all the happiness he deserves.


    Lacy, I couldn't have done this without you. Your support and love for me have always been true and unwavering. Ty xxxxx <3

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    I've just re-read my previous blogs (claire_1781) I can't believe it's now over a year since I wrote it!


    Moon and I had a turbulent first twelve months and to say it was exhausting and exhilarating would be fair.


    Here we are 12 months on and the world is calmer. I am divorced and have been for 8 months, moon is still going through her divorce and it looks set to be trying times again. For a while at least.


    We are however blissfully happy (mostly, we are still human) we still live apart all be it near each other but it's still hard, wanting to kiss my gorgeous moon when I go to sleep or see her beautiful face when I wake up and not being able too is something a lot of couples take for granted. It's small details but they make a huge difference.


    Moon is working more so time together is more sparse but we both make the effort to see each other even if it's 10 minutes for a hug and a kiss, it sees us through to proper visits.

    I am still working although facing uncertainty.

    My son will be moving to his dad's at the end of this school year to finish his secondary education with him, I just hope he goes and does it!!

    The two youngest are more comfortable with us now and we have family games nights, they interact quite well together. Moons youngest (13) now calls me mumma c of his own accord and has accepted me more than we dreamt possible.

    We had a lovely week away in summer, except for the eldest but he's a home person anyway. The kids didn't fall out, we didn't fall out and we didn't leave any behind on purpose. :-P


    All in all its been another amazing year.


    Moon and I continue to focus on the dreams of the future and we WILL make those come true, one day at a time.

    I am crazy in love with the woman who turned my world on its axis, opened my mind and my heart and makes me fall a little bit more in love with her everyday.

    To the next 12 months and beyond, to Moon you have my love, my heart forever xxx Liic xxx

  10. I woke up today feeling grateful. Just grateful for the little things in my life. So I sent her a short good morning text and wanted to add how grateful I am for our friendship, when I stopped. I realized we share something more than that. We fall in the space between friendship and relationship and although it feels special, it's also fragile.


    She is still with her partner, I am still married. We still live 4 hours apart and parallel lives. Yet somehow, we manage to chat on the phone every few days, meet once a month and it's been nice but I can't help feeling like it's not enough. Some days it's hard because I need her so much. I trudge through these days keeping myself busy and spending time with my family. I try to remind myself to be grateful for what we have at the moment.


    And I am. I'm grateful she came into my life. I am grateful she found me and sent me that first email eight months ago. I am grateful she said yes to meet on our first date. I am grateful for our conversations over coffee, 450 kilometres apart. I am grateful for the time she makes for me.


    I miss her this morning. I thought of her while I made my coffee. I poured the milk in and stirred. I watch the white swirl and disappear into the brown. Moments later, a tiny heart appeared and floated round and round. I smiled at this heart in my coffee. My own heart swelled. I feel grateful. I feel very lucky. I feel love.



  11. While I do have a few guesses on the hows and the whys, I really don’t have an idea of since when did I become a guarded person. That is what I am—I’m fucking guarded. I’m especially guarded around my lovers/crushes/other unlabelled-physical-and-otherwise-involvement. That is not to say I’m unkind, or unfriendly around people. I just mean don’t open up easily and I hate talking about myself and my feelings. I hate admitting I HAVE feelings.


    So I joke. I joke a lot. I make puns. I say the most absolutely random shit that make people laugh and forget about, well, me and my precious little feelings.


    I divide the people in my life in neat little boxes, always separate from one another. I avoid commitments. I stay away from relationships. I rarely introduce the girls I’m dating/sleeping with to my friends. I used to freak out and make a run for it every time I can see myself developing feelings for a girl. I ran even faster when it was them who fell for me. For years, one night stands were about as much intimacy as I could allow myself to handle. It wasn’t until I started getting more into kink that I stopped having one night stands, for obvious reasons.


    I listen more than I talk. The fact which people, girls especially, love because who doesn’t love a great listener? Most people love talking, about themselves, about whatever thoughts running through their busy little heads. They love it even more, and talk even more and in much greater details, when there’s someone paying them attention and listening to what they have to say.


    The funny thing is, most people never notice that I’m guarded, or at least it usually takes them years of knowing me to realise how even though I’m very social and can talk a lot, I rarely share anything significantly intimate with them. Every now and then, a friend I'd know for years would turn to look at me and say "you know, you actually don't talk about yourself much".


    For a long time, I thought my guards were what make me strong: “As long as I don’t care, I can’t get hurt.”, “If they don’t know me, they can’t hurt me”. I have a thing for being, and loving, a strong independent woman, you see. I really believed being guarded was what makes me strong.


    Well, how strong and tough can I be, really, if I’m so terrified of being hurt? Sure, I can spend hours and several more paragraphs telling stories about how crushing on one straight girl after another messed me up, how dating a guarded and commitment-phobic older man basically turned me into him, or how the last girl I allowed myself to get close to turned out to be a manipulative nightmare. They would all sound like excuses now, wouldn’t they? Excuses for the fact that I’m really not that much tougher than a little cat all puffed up, its teeth baring, its claws extending, thinking all that make it looks SO much more bad-ass than what it actually is: a fucking angry kitten.


    Much as I am attached to all my Dragon bone-grade shields and armours (I've been reading too many DA:I fanfics again, oops)…I REALLY don’t wanna be a fucking cat. (Can that be my new year’s resolution? To not be a fucking terrified cat?)


    …And then, I met her.


    Her, who is always so damn raw and real, 100% unapologetically herself to the point of being blunt.


    Her, who is brilliantly smart, cynical, nerdy, artsy, and funny…and drop-dead beautiful.


    Her, whose kisses and touch drove me wild, and whose big bright smiles and clear laughters drenched and drowned me with warmth.


    Her, who so very quickly noticed how I let her talk much more than I do the talking myself, only within a few times of seeing one another.


    Her, who I would love to finally introduce to my friends.




    I want to know her. I want to understand her.


    And damn it, I think I want her to know me, too.


    Well, if I ever see her again...that is.

  12. OutOfControl
    Latest Entry

    Just popping by to wish members old and new a fabulous holiday season whatever you are celebrating and an amazing 2016. XXXX

  13. So, I'm writing this because it's been plaguing me for months, and is not a situation that appears to be getting any better.


    I am a curvy girl - I have what is affectionately known as a "vintage" figure. Small waist, huge arse and massive bosoms that look natural on my well-sprung chest. I'm a little overweight, but fit an Aus 10-12. So not really a big girl, but genuinely very curvy.


    It makes dressing difficult. So when I dress, I try to find something that fits my waist and flatters my boobs. I'm quite boob-proud, too, so I like to show them off and have a little cleavage going on. Hey, if you've got it, flaunt it, right? If I wear something that actually fits my boobs, it hangs about my waist like a bag and adds ten kilos to my belly. So, not confident boosting or flattering.


    Recently, I wore one of my favourite tops to a training session at work - and it does show cleavage, but I have never thought of it as overly revealing, or trashy.


    Either I was wrong, or everyone I work with is a massive prude. They all stared, and commented, and acted as though I should be ashamed to be busty - like it's something I can choose! My work uniform is a polyester sack - squashes the boobs into a whole-body-tube-shape, so no one believed me, until that day, when I said I wear an F cup.


    One woman offered me her scarf to cover up with. Another one described my chest as "distracting" and couldn't look away. Someone else was "appalled". Others found the whole situation quite amusing.


    But the crux of it is this: having once been very overweight, and having struggled with body image and body dysmorphia, also suffering with a very severe mood disorder, I found all of those reactions to be so utterly inappropriate and high-school that it makes me really very angry. But worse - it's made me ashamed of my body again.


    So I have a question - why is it any body else's business how I dress? Should I be made to feel ashamed of myself for the body genetics granted me? And most of all - why do other people WANT me to be ashamed of myself?


    We're all women, and I'm sure someone out there can relate. So please - I'd really like some advice. :/

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    Today I am just not myself and I feel like I been off for a couple days. I had a fun weekend away with my husband and our two friends that went great. Therefore, I feel like I should be on a high. I believe what has triggered this mood I can't seem to shake is my brother.

    A little back story: I was adopted along with my younger sister. We however were separated from our two older brothers. The last time we were all togetherwas when I was four. In August of 2014 our biological mother passed away. As a result the two brothers were able to find us on Facebook. I wasn't sure what to do or how to feel. I decided to get to know them. To get to the point I got really close to one of the brothers and then thins went wrong. He ended up blocking me on Facebook and and ignoring my calls. Almost a year since we talked last.

    Which brings us to now. For some reason I decided to call him and he answered. We did some catching up and said some apologies. We have decided to talk once a month only on the phone. Eventhough we talk as if time never stopped it feels different and I am so nervous. I have fear he going to hurt me again and just walk out of my life. It is a ve

    ry complicated realationship. If his soon to be ex or my husband finds out we are talking again I could be in trouble. I don't like hiding things from my husband. Eventhough we aren't doing anything wrong I makes it seem wrong by not telling my husband.

    I don't fully understand why I feel such a strong need to have a relationship with both brothers. I was adopted into a loving family that provided me great parents and siblings. So it itsnt due to something missing in my life. I guess I feel the more the merrier as long as they treat you right. Since they have found me I have felt so alone on this adventure. My younger sister has decided not to prusue a relationship with them so I feel I can't talk to her. My husband and family aren't sure how to feel and tell me its my choice. So I am left with no one to talk to that can understand or relate.

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    Seeing as how 2015 had a lot of unexpecated happenings, I found myself reflecting a lot in online journals, physical journals, and how here. WIth all the ups and downs, I realized that life goes on whether you want to except it or not.

    I started reading these books that basically state that whatever you focus on will become a reality. If you focus on negatives, negative things will happen. If you focus on positives, positive things will happen.

    This same author came out with a 52 deck of oracle cards. I thought... why not it might be fun.


    The other morning just before work I had said "tell me something positive." Then I shuffled the cards, and pulled one card out of the deck. The card's name was: "Everything is Beautiful," and the card read "Get ready to be dumbfounded- in the best possible way. You will be speechless at how beautiful your life really is. Things that once seemed common, that you often took for granted, are about to show off their true colors. Real beauty is about to come into focus. You can thank the universe later."


    What a card to pull. I wanted to share this. 2015 was a hard year for me, but it's important to remember that you can always find beauty in negative spaces.

  14. As a lot of people on here are familiar with, I have lived a life of suppressing my feelings I knew were there, maybe not completely understood, but definitely felt. I am now in the position of accepting myself for the first time in my entire life, really examining "Who am I?". There are so many times in my life I think back, decisions were made, or avoided, and this part of me played a key factor in that. I'm not a person big on regret, I like to live a purposeful life, however I can't help but wonder how things might be different in some areas. These decisions, whether they be wrong or not, I have to make something good come from them. Fear is such a powerful thing, and can have such control over decisions we make even when we see the consequences could be devastating. I want to live as me. I will have to live as me....eventually.


    In the past week, I came out to my two best friends. The support was incredible, I almost didn't get through it, I couldn't even say the word out loud, I still haven't....bisexual....bisexual....I read it like a breath of fresh air, however trying to say the word, it steals my air, my heart beats out of my chest, I just can't say it yet. So at the moment, I will have to be ok with looking at the beauty of it. It gives me a peaceful feeling to look at the word, a sense of pride....that's me, I know who I am. I am ok, I'm going to be ok.


    One of my best friends, as I've mentioned before, is a gay man, and has always had very strong opinions about people identifying as bi. I wasn't going to tell him because of this, but I decided he loved me and I felt would support me no matter what. That's what true friends are for. He was so loving, and was so careful with all that he said to me. It brought him back to when he was coming out, and how hard it had been. He explained that my path would be different than his, he didn't understand it, but I didn't understand his either. He promised to get me through it. I knew I had made the right choice in telling him. I talked to him about all of the pain I had carried through the years because of this part of me, always trying to cover it up with the biggest smile. He said "Now you know why I'm always the funniest person in the room, tears of a clown." That statement cut me to my core, because I knew exactly what he meant. I think my best friend believes I'm not bisexual, and that I'm going to eventually be identifying as a lesbian. I have told him this is not the case, and he just grins. I don't care that he doesn't agree with me, as long as he does it with love.


    One part of my journey I still struggle with, that I may always struggle with, is my husband. I love him dearly. He makes me so happy, this part of me has nothing to do with him. He would never be able to accept this part of me. Now that I have been able to tell my best friends, they both agree, he can never know. I don't know that I can do anything behind his back. I've never been dishonest with him in all the years I have known him. He doesn't deserve that from me. So here I circle back around, this part of me, still pushed back, suppressed, the tears of a clown. But isn't the word beautiful.....bisexual.....I can see it, and it can calm my soul......and one day maybe I can say it.

  15. Things have improved in the past few months. We'll be glad to get out of this crappy studio. This was only meant to be a temporary stop on our journey. Management doesn't take responsibility for what they should. They either ignore problems or if they do something about it, cheap out. For example, they're suppose to have an exterminator out for all of the units tomorrow. Not going to even describe the unwanted visitors we've all been plagued with. Different sorts, but, we've all had them. They had someone come out & do a treatment six months ago & it didn't do any good. We're looking to purchase a mobile home & it can't be soon enough.


    I also am waiting on new glasses. It's been years since I had any. When we could afford them, didn't need them. When I did, we didn't have the extra funds. My eyes have been bothering me, plus, it was my & my husband's birthday gift to me. I should have taken the prescription somewhere else. I let the woman at the optometrist's pffice (first time I was there) send it in. It's been two weeks & I still don't have them. I found out today, that, the lab they use is in TX. I had called her before they closed, but, she waited until after they had, so, she has to call tomorrow. She's nice, but seems a bit flaky. If it was me, I would regularly call the lab to make sure they're expediting things, so, the patients don't have to wait long.


    The two aforementioned are the main stressful & depressing situations. Overall, other things have gotten better. One thing, we bought a good used Town Car three months ago. It's comfortable, a smooth ride, handles well. It only had one previous owner who, obviously, maintained it very well. We're doing the same. We just want to be into the next chapter of our lives, where, it doesn't always feel like such a struggle.


    Plus, I'm a little hurt that my husband was the only one who acknowledged that today was my birthday. We're going out tomorrow, to one of our favorite places, for breakfast. It's rather subdued this year. I don't quite feel like celebrating. Next year, I'm looking forward to it. I know we'll be back on track & have experienced so many good things. What would have helped, put me in a better frame of mind, is if more people remembered it was my birthday. One person did here, so, thank you for that. I don't expect a fuss. Just a simple happy birthday would suffice.


    My best gal pal moved to MI last year, with her husband, to take care of her parents. Haven't heard from her. Nor my other good friend, who, stopped communicating with me a few weeks ago. I thought I would, at least, hear something from them. I'm going to stop typing now, before, I feel more hurt & disappointed.

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    Four months ago I lost my older brother… I’m heartbroken, pissed off, relieved and just - sad. The empty kind of sad, where you feel hollow and you have to remind yourself to breathe. Just breathe. Ah, what can I say; it’s complicated, always has been.


    My brother wasn’t the typical big brother. He wasn’t my protector, my rock, my male role model – none of that. He would have wanted to be though. He probably thought he was. But that’s not the hand he was dealt. In many ways, I was his older sister even though he was seven years older than me. That’s the way it goes when someone is developmentally stunted by a paediatric head trauma. He never fully recovered and never really progressed past the maturity level of a 14 year old. In a lot of ways he seemed much younger than that – a perpetual child.


    He was too kind, too trusting, too naïve and always seeking approval. Sadly, this world is not designed to care for or protect those who are unable to care for or protect themselves. It’s fucking cruel out there and people can be downright mean when you don’t fit the mold.


    He was ruthlessly bullied in school because he was different. I mean beat up, stuffed in a garbage can, humiliated and basically tortured on a regular basis. The saddest part is that if any of those kids were to have given him the time of day, he would have welcomed their friendship with open arms and done anything to please them. Even after they treated him like shit! His caring heart knew no boundaries; not even the kind that are intended for self-preservation.


    Eventually, that quirky, carefree little boy turned to drugs and alcohol – either to fit in or tune it out. I really can’t say which one, and neither can I blame him. Although there were brief periods of sobriety throughout his adulthood, he always fell back into his addictions. So many times that I lost count. The depth and breadth of pain that causes a family is indescribable.


    I’ll never forget his first, ‘1st birthday’. He was so proud to have his little sis there to support him. And I was so proud and hopeful that he would finally find his way back to us. But those hopeful moments were few and far between… and as time passed, I lost hope. It wasn’t because I stopped loving him; it was because I couldn’t handle another minute of watching him self-destruct in slow motion. I felt so helpless…


    From the outside, his life was unbearable. Addiction, physical and mental abuse, homelessness, health issues – extreme doses of all those things. He was constantly in pain and suffering more than any one person should ever have to… and there was nothing I could do to make it better. That's hard to swallow, especially now that it’s too late. And from the inside, well, I guess I’ll never really know. He was always smiling, rarely complained and just seemed to go through the motions – one day at a time.


    My brother was beautiful in ways I struggle to articulate and it broke my heart to watch him suffer. For years I prayed for God to show him mercy and give him peace because I knew I couldn’t save him. I’m glad he likely didn’t realize he needed to be saved. Because then he would know that I failed him…

  16. Nynaeve
    Latest Entry

    I swear, usually I'm a very positive person. Almost sickeningly positive. Which is why I really feel I must put that disclaimer at the front of my blog. Considering the last couple blogs I've posted haven't been about the most cheery subjects, I just really wanted that out there, lol.


    The last month has been like a blur, actually EXACTLY the last month, to the day.


    October 17.

    K was admitted to the hospital, with the same symptoms as in January, when we thought she wasn't going to make it. Liver failure, hepatitis C, past breast cancer, aspirated pneumonia, the list just went on. So this time, another 14 hour drive, fast fast fast, can't drive fast enough to get there. By the time we found out she was in the hospital again and are making our trip, she was already in another coma, and again, they figured she wouldn't make it. It's hard to listen to that kind of prognosis when 10 months ago we were told the same thing, and 3 months later she walked out of the hospital on her own volition, and we got to see her two more times (once here, once there) before now. So ... hearing that isn't easy, it's so easy to brush it off, that "she'll wake up again."


    October 24.

    Finally got with the lawyer, K's lawyer, and got her health care directives, her last will, her medical wishes, power of attorney. Got it all to the hospital to her primary ICU doctor... only to find out that she explicitly said in her living will (which she redid after her last coma) that she does NOT want to be kept alive, she does NOT want feeding tubes, no respirators, no vents, no nothing that will give her extra life than she gives herself. Being faced with THAT.... beyond words. There is so much crying, so much wondering, so much breaking down, so much praying, so much heartbreak. Being faced with her not WANTING to stay, knowing that that situation could happen again, and knowing she was already on borrowed time, and realizing that she just wants to be let go... her faith is strong and she just wants to be with Jesus. She even told R on the way to the hospital that she does NOT want to be kept alive again if anything at the hospital went wrong.


    October 27.

    R (K's boyfriend) doesn't want to let her go. He thinks, knows, that she'll get up and walk away from this. That she will survive and just next time this happens they "won't take her to the hospital." .... as hard as it is knowing that she wants to be let go, even harder is seeing the love of her life go through realizing that staying with him, staying with any of us, isn't what she wants. She doesn't want the pain, the hardship, being weak. Trying to convince him of that is near impossible. They've been together 3 years, but to any other couple, it seems they've been together 30. They are true soulmates.


    October 28.

    Made the decision to take her off machines and end her suffering. This is not done without nausea, or tears, or gutwrenching indecision, however. What seemed like the longest day of our lives. Finally at 10:30pm everyone understood that this was happening, it was her wish. Nothing will change that. Realizing that not only would we lose K, but probably the respect of several who disagreed and wanted to keep her around, well .... hard. But necessary. 10:30pm they pulled out the tubes, the vent, the meds, everything except heavy sedation, anxiety meds, everything to keep her relaxed and out of any pain. Soft gospel music was played, her favorite, many prayers, and lots of touching of her arms, hands, forehead, legs, 7 of us in the room with her, softly talking and openly weeping. I held her right hand the entire time, but I couldn't stop from crying on her arm. I tried. 11:00pm she opened her eyes, is struggling to breathe, looks directly at R (boyfriend) and M (daughter). Seems to focus on them, and only them, even in a room full of people wanting to be there with her. She then seems to kind of drift, and starts seeing things we don't see, seems to look right through us. At 11:38pm, she was gone. Just gone. I can't even describe how empty this makes me, she wasn't my mother, but she was like a second mom to me, truly. I can still hear her laugh even now, sometimes. She had a very distinctive and beautiful laugh, and such a gorgeous way of looking at things. She could really never dislike anyone much, always saw the good in everyone, always made sure you had everything you needed, before she looked after herself. The world is truly darker now. Heaven most definitely gained an angel.


    October 29.

    We'd forgotten some of her things at the hospital the night before when we left there, in a daze. We'd picked up K's car just today, the car had sentimental value and we were planning on driving it back home when we went. We were driving it to the hospital to pick up her items, when at a stop light waiting to turn, we got rear-ended in K's car, by a man going around 45 - 50 mph, who happened to look down at his phone. We crashed into the person in front of us too when we were hit, and long story short, the car was totaled. Just another great occurrence this week. I had a seatbelt mark all down my body, black and blue, from where the seatbelt was already locked when we started the drive, so I slammed into the seatbelt without any give to it at all. Had pain for 2 weeks after, never thought it would go away. M was luckily fine, thank goodness, but the car was totaled. Just a shame. Was K's only physical possession that she owned, besides a few knick knacks, etc.


    October 30.

    Certain family members left don't have the right mental capacity to handle bills or responsibilities without K around to help them. We still don't know what to do with their precarious living situation, as it is tricky, and since these people are the LAST family M has in the entire world, and she doesn't want to alienate them from her. After we've offered to help with bills for them, or helping them look after their financial books now for them (for free) we've already been asked if "now that we have all of K's money, are we going after their money now too?" .......... which is beyond inappropriate to begin with, especially coming from said family, and beyond that, we didn't get MONEY from K at this point. Jesus, MONEY is the last thing we'd fucking want. We want HER BACK. Not fucking MONEY. How fucking inappropriate...


    October 31.

    As we are still there, still processing, still cleaning up the mess left, still dealing with lawyers and paperwork and fucking cremating a family member, when I get a phone call from back home. Another family member has just killed himself while we were gone, in a very violent way. I can't even process this at this point. So much death. So much tragedy. So much taken from us. So much taken from everyone in the family. So many bonds broken. At this point I reached my breaking point and just had to just break down. Nothing seemed real anymore.



    Since then, it's been just kind of a blur. Trying to stay positive for M, trying to stay positive for my family, it's just kind of overwhelming. Getting through though, and I know M is coping as well. The last conversation M had with her mom was telling her about her transition. Right after her birthday, and the same week that K went to the hospital, M came out, 25 years old and telling her mom that she has been wanting to transition from M to F for at least 8 years, if not her whole life. The conversation, thankfully, went well ... and the last text M got from her mom, which is the last contact they had before K went to the hospital that last time, was merely .... "I've always loved a good Melody." (The name that M is switching to.) .... so at least there is that. A good resolution with that, which is more than she could have hoped for. There are so many "what if's" and "If only's" when someone dies. Does that ever end?

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    Recent Entries

    Ok, thought I should actually use this at least once. Sooooooooooo... Whats been going on lately? Well, I just moved to Bishop Auckland: not far but closer to work, no longer living with family. Now I'm renting with my best friend. Took a while to get the internet up and running and I used up all my phone data in the meantime... It isn't much haha.

    The place is still a complete mess but is very slowly starting to look like a house. Work doesn't help with this by piling on overtime even though they knew I was moving but I kind of expected that? A lot of the past few weeks has been moving my stuff/setting up direct debits/changing suppliers and its been quite exhausting; hence my absence. I was off work sick two weeks prior to the move 'cause I hurt the muscles at the base of my spine (via coughing fit LOL) so initially I couldn't do much to help with the move which annoyed me.

    All in all, its been frustrating and tiring but baby steps.

    Sorry, its all rather boring, I know :P but there you have it.



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    Recent Entries

    She snores softly next to me. The moonlight caresses her shoulder and she smells of pumpkin spice latte and marshmallow. Good enough to eat... Something I might attempt, if not for the fact that we both have to be up for work in 5 hours and my sinus pressure that is threatening to cave in my face is causing insomnia..which is why I am here my friends. Writing for you instead of snoring in unison with the lovely Boadicea.

    So...when last we spoke I was getting ready to leave my beautiful fiancé for God knows how long. Plane tickets are expensive and since we were both born good looking instead of rich ;) ... money was tight.

    Walking away from her at the airport was the single most difficult thing I had ever done. It felt like someone had plunged their hand into my chest and ripped my heart out. Well, the heart was hers, so I would've left it there anyway but I was NOT prepared for the emptiness of the gaping hole it left in my chest. I was lost. Listless. An empty shell of the vibrant person that I had become just a week ago. I was grieving. The only likeness I can use to describe the sorrow and agony of that moment is the loss of someone very dear. A death. Nothing made it better, because nothing was her. No hug was her hug. No comfort extended from anyone could reach into the abyss that I was curled up in the fetal position at the bottom of. She was in agony as well, but worse. I came home to my house not haunted by her. She was left with our memories everywhere.

    No. This just wasn't going to work.

    We HAD to be together. Over the next few weeks our conditions slightly improved. We were both prone to fits of uncontrollable crying, and we couldn't sleep without the other on the phone. But, we were getting better. We both knew we would never be able to be as strong apart as we were before we met. So, as I aways do, I prayed. Fervently. We both did. It was a frustrating time of knowing what we want and learning to be patient and to wait for God's timing. Then as we talked one night she said Baby, I'm ready to come home. A door had opened to give us the opportunity to finally do this... We were really doing it... OH MY GOD. IT'S HAPPENING.. My emotions came in waves of overwhelming joy and oh..shit! So much to do. Don't panic. We set a date. September 17th. I got my plane ticket. She booked the UHaul... And then we both got in to beast mode. There was lots to do, and not alot of time to do it. It was amazing how much useless crap one little pack rat can accumulate. I trashed it all. What a job.. Okay fast forward------>

    The move was tricky. 857 miles in a UHaul with a basset hound and 2 cats. Temp was between 85 and 90 degrees. The only solution... Basset in between us. Cats in the vehicle in tow. We had to drive at night when the temperature was cooler.

    I was up at 5 a.m. on September 17th. The plane was set to take off at 3:20. We decided that I would arrive. We would nap and then drive that evening. ***FLIGHT DELAY 2 hours***

    So needless to say there was no nap. We loaded up. Said our goodbyes and what followed was the most gruelling, painful, horrific trip of our entire lives, broken up only by a 1 hour stay at a hotel overrun with crack heads. Seriously. Like a walking dead episode. Thanks Little Rock. Won't be returning there for our honeymoon.

    Ladies...If you EVER want to move that far, and you have the ability to save enough to hire someone to move you? DO EEET. Get your happy ass on a plane. Trust me. Your money will have been well spent.

    857 miles, a pack and a half of cigarettes later and with a little less of our sanity and a significant loss of our cognitive abilities.. We made it. We were home..

    After we decompressed and slept like corpses in a bed that was too small, (trust me we did not care how small it was. It felt like heaven) we woke up and unloaded B's stuff into a very small house. Overwhelming. Stressful. Check and check.

    Thus began our adjustment period. She is very organized. Everything has a place. She quickly realized I am NOT. We aren't as extreme as The Odd Couple, but I definitely have a tiny bit of the Oscar streak. I find that we are very similar in most ways, but our polar opposites, the ones we do have, work together to help each other.

    We are perfect for each other. Once we adjusted to sleeping in bed together, and got a routine we settled in to family life together effortlessly. A family of 8. Kind of like a modern version of the Brady Bunch...except no Alice. Man, I would love to have Alice to help us. Lol

    Two of our latest hurdles that have been cleared:

    B took a leap of faith to move here, and was unemployed. After a month, still no promising leads. She had some interviews but no call backs. It was getting to us. I am not a worrier but we were both feeling the strain. So of course... when in doubt we pray. She got a call for an interview. It went well. We waited. For a week. No word. She called. Still interviewing, they said. Just when we are on the verge of a freak out, she gets a call back. I'm pacing like an anxious father in the next room waiting for the sound of a baby. She comes out with a glow on her face. "I got it" THANK YOU LORD. She really likes it. Long drive, but we have plans to move closer. Everything is falling into place.

    Next hurdle...

    With the holidays coming, B and I wanted to spend our first Thanksgiving and Christmas at home with the boys, as a family.

    I must add that my family knew of her as a roommate. I hadn't come out to them. So of course, my mother wanted me and her grandsons over for the holidays. Why wouldn't she? From her perspective I was single with nowhere to go.

    Nope..I had to tell the truth. I was tired of lying. It wasn't fair to B. I thought the news would be ill received, judging by the anti gay propaganda and Kim Davis support my religious mother had shared on her facebook page. I was done caring. So I sent her a long email. The response I got was one of love, acceptance and support. I could've been knocked over with a feather. She can't wait to meet B. She and my stepfather are coming over to our house for Thanksgiving. Another piece has fallen into place. I guess we will have more people at our wedding than I thought.

    I made a mistake of thinking that everyone would be against us, and I was wrong in assuming that. We have gotten nothing but positivity.

    So that's where we are now. If you read my last blog you know how extremely far we have come in a year and 4 months. I am looking forward to the rest of our lives, and at the same time I cherish every moment because I remember what it was like to want her so badly next to me and to long for her.

    Ladies, I leave you with this...

    If you find someone who sets your soul on fire, don't let them go out of fear of the unknown. They may just be the love of your life.

  17. Long story short my mom had a stroke 2 years ago and I had to leave my job to take care of her. (I hated the job and it was kicking my ass and making me miserable, so nothing lost there but the paycheck.) Financially, I am totally ruined. Credit card's nearly maxed out, I'm still drowning in my student loan bills, and my accounts are wiped out. I started a small business on the side just to try to make some money, and I have a bunch of sites I use to earn as much as I can, but it hasn't been enough. Between her medical bills, my bills, the household bills, and other family things (youngest sibling in her last year at college, grandmother dying, etc) we're both seriously struggling. She doesn't qualify for state or government programs.


    There's no one in the family to help out either. They're all either just as broke or can't be bothered. No friends either - we'd been surviving on donations for a while but I can't ask for more money.


    And I'd hoped by now things would have been stable enough for me to move out or at least get a new job, but mom still needs 24/7 care and we can't afford to hire anyone. She can't be home alone for more than a few hours at a time. Like, enough time to go to the grocery store but not a part time job. She makes little to no attempt at doing the important things (that she can actually do) on her own and the few things she will try to do are too dangerous.


    So here I am, drowning in debt, watching my credit score drop, and completely out of ideas of what I can do. And I feel awful about this but I already lost so much of my youth to severe depression. That's also gotten so much worse. I feel like I missed out on my 20s too (and it's extremely lonely...)