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Gosh it has been so long since I have posted on shys in a blog. I rarely use shys these days but it's nice that I still have this place for days like to do when I have something on my mind that I want to get out.
Life has changed lately. It's stable finally after a lot of trial and error finding what works for us as a family with regards to work/study/looking after kids and Faiths health. It seems pretty stable, but you know what life is like it doesn't always go that way for long before something comes along and shakes it up.
So what brings me to blog today... What fills my head that I want and need to let out somewhere... Life does, that's what.
As some of you know back on September 30th I asked Faith to be my wife, to spend forever with me and be my one and only for life. I'd wanted to propose to her for quite some time but didn't want to do it too soon or rushed but also didn't want to wait too long either. July was when I initially made the decision to buy a ring and ask the question. I went shopping, looked at every ring possible. In the end I decided on a white gold, canadian iced diamond solitaire. She'd told me before that she liked that range before so it had narrowed down my choice.The day I went in to view them I fell in love with one, it had the most amazing sparkling diamond I'd ever seen. It was just beautiful but I didn't have anywhere near that amount of money so put down a small deposit and they ordered it in. It took a good few weeks but I loved paying it off. Any extra penny I had would go towards that ring, calling up and doing it over the phone, going in when I could. I wanted it paid off as quickly as I could. When I finally paid the balance off and got to take it home I was with my mum and kids. It was such a happy feeling knowing that I could finally ask her. How would I do it though? That was the next challenge what would I do that would make it special and memorable and more importantly a surprise? I looked at so many ideas, seriously everything you can think of I looked into it from flash mobs to skywriting. In the end I decided to hire a hill top wigwam and make it special to us. It over looked the forth road and rail bridge and I wanted the timing to fit to be sunset. I booked it about a week and a half before and then started buying little touches, star covered materials in different colours, a star projector, little pink love hearts, got all the pictures of the 2 of us together since we met printed out and set about putting my plan into place to propose. On the day my mum, daughter and I went to the wigwams and checked in. Then the work began making it special and perfect for the proposal. My mum took Rebecca away to the park and games room in the complex and I went in to the wigwam. I put pictures up over the walls, lined the room in fairy lights and draped up the lovely star fabric, about 2 hours later the room was finally ready for the proposal. Next, I spent time making my sign, I used stickers, stars and 2 hearts playing cards ( our song is All of me by John ledgend, both showing hearts was symbolic to us) and made the sign to say, Will you marry me. All sorted and perfect.
After a few hours had past It was time to go get G (Faith) from work. I wanted it to be a complete surprise. I didn't want her to know that I was planning to propose, so I casually told her that we were going for dinnner and then to go somewhere to watch the sunset. When we arrived at the restaurant though it was fully booked so we couldn't go there. (surprising for a Wednesday night) So I said to her we'd just go to the place I liked to watch the sunset. God was she confused. She thought I was parking outside someone else's wigwam to watch incredable views. When I opened the door to it she just looked stunned. I was down on one knee and asked her to be my wife. Her saying yes was incredable. I was so happy just to have her agree to be my wife.
The next few months I went in to wedding planning mode like crazy, we booked a venue in Loch Lomond, I chose my bridesmaids and started putting everything together but the venue fell through and we went back to square one. Now though, we have made some changes. We're eloping and getting married on a beach with just the kids and our parents and things seem to be going well with this plan. It feels more right than the last one, like it's "us".
With other things in life I seem to be struggling at the moment. My ex husband seems to have checked out as a dad. I know deep down he loves and cares for the kids but work and his new gf take priority and the kids seem like an after thought. I want him to be happy, I want him to have a good life but I don't like her at all, this part of me that spent 12 years of my life with him wants to shake him. I want her to snap out of what ever he's thinking when it comes to her and find someone better. He's bewitched. She's 22, she's on drugs and has a 2 year old (the same age as our daughter) Who is being looked after by social services because she's not able to be a mum. Now my ex husband wont see our children without her being there too!! So I end up having to either stop him having contact and deal with a heart broken 10 year old son, who misses his dad more than anything in the world or let him be around THAT! It's awful!!! I trust that the kids will be safe with him being there, I just hate that he's chosen a partner who is as awful as this girl. I wish he'd found a nice girl, someone stable but I get no say obviously and he does his own thing.
University work, I enjoy. I'm in my second year of my forensic psychology degree, but with my mood being so low lately and having depression back means I've been struggling to do it. It's like I have a deep sadness all the time at the moment. I can look around me and know I'm happy and have so much to be happy and thankful for but I just have a "feeling" like life is going to fall apart and I'm going to lose everything. I don't know why I feel this way. It makes no sense, but that feeling is there and I can't shake it. *Sigh* I feel like a rubbish mum, a rubbish partner and rubbish person. I hate depression I really do!! Can't wait for it to pass and to feel better.
I've got a lot coming up to look forward to. I have a break away in Newcastle with my best friend in March, we've not had a lot of time together lately so that'll be good. My fiancee and I have loads coming up too. We have 2 concerts and our second anniversary and also 1st anniversary of us moving in together. Eek!! It's so exciting!
Our relationship is still amazing, I'm still very very loved up with her, I have however realised that with being in a relationship where you are so crazy, happy, loved up that it is also scary when they go away. She went to her mums for a few days last week and I felt awful! It was like I didn't know how to cope with her going away, it frightened me. I actually felt like I was missing half of me, I felt sick and like I was grieving her. So when it came time for her to come back I freaked out and didn't know how to cope with her coming back either. It's tough, but I realised that I have become too attached, too clingy and I need to try and be a little more independant again, because way I felt wasn't healthy at all, especially as she'll be going to visit her mum next month and more often. I don't want to feel broken because she's away. I need to build some strength on my own. I don't really know where to start with it, but I'm going to give it a go. It's partly why I decided to go away with my friend. To try and learn how to breath when she's gone, because I have to. Falling apart because she's 500 miles away for a few days isn't an option, especially with 2 kids and a house to look after. In my previous relationships I was always very seperate, very independant and with G, I don't want to be but I've went from one extreme to another and with her having to go away some times I need to not be that way, I need to learn a balance.
So back to wedding planning...
We have it booked!!! on 10th of July 2017, we are getting married on a beach in the outer hebredes!! We've booked celebrant, we've booked photographers and next we are buying rings. We also plan to buy our first home together in 2017!!! It's going to be a big year. We don't know where we'll live, but we just want a happy, family life with our 2 amazing kids!!
So 2016.... I don't want it to be a year waiting for 2017. I want this year to be fun...
By 2017 I want to have been to a murder mystery weeked, I want to have been to a club, I want to have travelled somewhere and I want to have expended some horrizons!! I turn 30 this year!! I want to enjoy my last 6 months in my 20's.
I'm very lucky, I have an amazing fiancee who I love with all my heart, 2 perfect and happy kids and opportunities to live more. I know this depression i'm in will go away when weather gets better and the sun comes back but for now I'm chosing to be happy, to try my hardest to not let this get the better of me and to enjoy the good things!
Hope you are all doing well! Maybe even see some of you at our Wedding Party when we come back I don't like connect much with shy's anymore but I'm greatful to the friends I have made here. Much love to you all xxxxxx
Post Christmas 2015.
In the early hours of morning I just wanted to write a bit here to reflect a little on my first few weeks of separation.
We've had a long and mostly happy marriage, devoted to our two kids. I've known I'm gay for a long time but kept it at bay. Over the last few years I've found it harder and harder to do this. I went through a year of counselling which helped me to find my inner strength and embrace these feelings.
Both me and my husband were becoming more and more affected by my lack of desire for him sexually. We are both passionate people and this difficult and complex issue of me being a gay woman in a heterosexual marriage was becoming a very big problem for us. We love each other dearly but with a massive void at the centre. Looking back over the last two or three years we have been carefully and slowly uncoupling, not always aware of what we were doing but essentially releasing each other from our long partnership in the hope we could both find the happiness we each deserve. It's been an act of deep love and understanding, often tough and emotionally difficult. We agreed to open our marriage.
During this time I joined Shys and two years ago now started a relationship with a woman I met on here. I fell in love with her in the way I always dreamed of. The chemistry between us is mind blowing, she's beautiful and amazing on many levels. Neither of us were looking for this. It's been unexpected but a wonderful gift.
So a month ago now we finally both felt ready to separate. The easiest and softest option for the kids was for him to move out, renting close to us until we can sort things out permanently. He's totally supportive and sees the kids most days. It's so much better for all of us without the tension hanging like a cloud. I feel like a weight's been lifted off my shoulders, the guilt and difficulties of having a girlfriend and being married (even though just as friends for over a year now) have melted away. That turmoil I secretly harboured inside me for all those years has gone. I now feel an inner peace and happiness I don't honestly think I've felt before.
I have different worries now and I know this will be a tough year with big changes to face but I do know without question this massive step has been the right one to take. We've both been true to ourselves and I wish my husband all the happiness he deserves.
Lacy, I couldn't have done this without you. Your support and love for me have always been true and unwavering. Ty xxxxx <3
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I've just re-read my previous blogs (claire_1781) I can't believe it's now over a year since I wrote it!
Moon and I had a turbulent first twelve months and to say it was exhausting and exhilarating would be fair.
Here we are 12 months on and the world is calmer. I am divorced and have been for 8 months, moon is still going through her divorce and it looks set to be trying times again. For a while at least.
We are however blissfully happy (mostly, we are still human) we still live apart all be it near each other but it's still hard, wanting to kiss my gorgeous moon when I go to sleep or see her beautiful face when I wake up and not being able too is something a lot of couples take for granted. It's small details but they make a huge difference.
Moon is working more so time together is more sparse but we both make the effort to see each other even if it's 10 minutes for a hug and a kiss, it sees us through to proper visits.
I am still working although facing uncertainty.
My son will be moving to his dad's at the end of this school year to finish his secondary education with him, I just hope he goes and does it!!
The two youngest are more comfortable with us now and we have family games nights, they interact quite well together. Moons youngest (13) now calls me mumma c of his own accord and has accepted me more than we dreamt possible.
We had a lovely week away in summer, except for the eldest but he's a home person anyway. The kids didn't fall out, we didn't fall out and we didn't leave any behind on purpose. :-P
All in all its been another amazing year.
Moon and I continue to focus on the dreams of the future and we WILL make those come true, one day at a time.
I am crazy in love with the woman who turned my world on its axis, opened my mind and my heart and makes me fall a little bit more in love with her everyday.
To the next 12 months and beyond, to Moon you have my love, my heart forever xxx Liic xxx
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I woke up today feeling grateful. Just grateful for the little things in my life. So I sent her a short good morning text and wanted to add how grateful I am for our friendship, when I stopped. I realized we share something more than that. We fall in the space between friendship and relationship and although it feels special, it's also fragile.
She is still with her partner, I am still married. We still live 4 hours apart and parallel lives. Yet somehow, we manage to chat on the phone every few days, meet once a month and it's been nice but I can't help feeling like it's not enough. Some days it's hard because I need her so much. I trudge through these days keeping myself busy and spending time with my family. I try to remind myself to be grateful for what we have at the moment.
And I am. I'm grateful she came into my life. I am grateful she found me and sent me that first email eight months ago. I am grateful she said yes to meet on our first date. I am grateful for our conversations over coffee, 450 kilometres apart. I am grateful for the time she makes for me.
I miss her this morning. I thought of her while I made my coffee. I poured the milk in and stirred. I watch the white swirl and disappear into the brown. Moments later, a tiny heart appeared and floated round and round. I smiled at this heart in my coffee. My own heart swelled. I feel grateful. I feel very lucky. I feel love.
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While I do have a few guesses on the hows and the whys, I really don’t have an idea of since when did I become a guarded person. That is what I am—I’m fucking guarded. I’m especially guarded around my lovers/crushes/other unlabelled-physical-and-otherwise-involvement. That is not to say I’m unkind, or unfriendly around people. I just mean don’t open up easily and I hate talking about myself and my feelings. I hate admitting I HAVE feelings.
So I joke. I joke a lot. I make puns. I say the most absolutely random shit that make people laugh and forget about, well, me and my precious little feelings.
I divide the people in my life in neat little boxes, always separate from one another. I avoid commitments. I stay away from relationships. I rarely introduce the girls I’m dating/sleeping with to my friends. I used to freak out and make a run for it every time I can see myself developing feelings for a girl. I ran even faster when it was them who fell for me. For years, one night stands were about as much intimacy as I could allow myself to handle. It wasn’t until I started getting more into kink that I stopped having one night stands, for obvious reasons.
I listen more than I talk. The fact which people, girls especially, love because who doesn’t love a great listener? Most people love talking, about themselves, about whatever thoughts running through their busy little heads. They love it even more, and talk even more and in much greater details, when there’s someone paying them attention and listening to what they have to say.
The funny thing is, most people never notice that I’m guarded, or at least it usually takes them years of knowing me to realise how even though I’m very social and can talk a lot, I rarely share anything significantly intimate with them. Every now and then, a friend I'd know for years would turn to look at me and say "you know, you actually don't talk about yourself much".
For a long time, I thought my guards were what make me strong: “As long as I don’t care, I can’t get hurt.”, “If they don’t know me, they can’t hurt me”. I have a thing for being, and loving, a strong independent woman, you see. I really believed being guarded was what makes me strong.
Well, how strong and tough can I be, really, if I’m so terrified of being hurt? Sure, I can spend hours and several more paragraphs telling stories about how crushing on one straight girl after another messed me up, how dating a guarded and commitment-phobic older man basically turned me into him, or how the last girl I allowed myself to get close to turned out to be a manipulative nightmare. They would all sound like excuses now, wouldn’t they? Excuses for the fact that I’m really not that much tougher than a little cat all puffed up, its teeth baring, its claws extending, thinking all that make it looks SO much more bad-ass than what it actually is: a fucking angry kitten.
Much as I am attached to all my Dragon bone-grade shields and armours (I've been reading too many DA:I fanfics again, oops)…I REALLY don’t wanna be a fucking cat. (Can that be my new year’s resolution? To not be a fucking terrified cat?)
…And then, I met her.
Her, who is always so damn raw and real, 100% unapologetically herself to the point of being blunt.
Her, who is brilliantly smart, cynical, nerdy, artsy, and funny…and drop-dead beautiful.
Her, whose kisses and touch drove me wild, and whose big bright smiles and clear laughters drenched and drowned me with warmth.
Her, who so very quickly noticed how I let her talk much more than I do the talking myself, only within a few times of seeing one another.
Her, who I would love to finally introduce to my friends.
I want to know her. I want to understand her.
And damn it, I think I want her to know me, too.
Well, if I ever see her again...that is.
So, I'm writing this because it's been plaguing me for months, and is not a situation that appears to be getting any better.
I am a curvy girl - I have what is affectionately known as a "vintage" figure. Small waist, huge arse and massive bosoms that look natural on my well-sprung chest. I'm a little overweight, but fit an Aus 10-12. So not really a big girl, but genuinely very curvy.
It makes dressing difficult. So when I dress, I try to find something that fits my waist and flatters my boobs. I'm quite boob-proud, too, so I like to show them off and have a little cleavage going on. Hey, if you've got it, flaunt it, right? If I wear something that actually fits my boobs, it hangs about my waist like a bag and adds ten kilos to my belly. So, not confident boosting or flattering.
Recently, I wore one of my favourite tops to a training session at work - and it does show cleavage, but I have never thought of it as overly revealing, or trashy.
Either I was wrong, or everyone I work with is a massive prude. They all stared, and commented, and acted as though I should be ashamed to be busty - like it's something I can choose! My work uniform is a polyester sack - squashes the boobs into a whole-body-tube-shape, so no one believed me, until that day, when I said I wear an F cup.
One woman offered me her scarf to cover up with. Another one described my chest as "distracting" and couldn't look away. Someone else was "appalled". Others found the whole situation quite amusing.
But the crux of it is this: having once been very overweight, and having struggled with body image and body dysmorphia, also suffering with a very severe mood disorder, I found all of those reactions to be so utterly inappropriate and high-school that it makes me really very angry. But worse - it's made me ashamed of my body again.
So I have a question - why is it any body else's business how I dress? Should I be made to feel ashamed of myself for the body genetics granted me? And most of all - why do other people WANT me to be ashamed of myself?
We're all women, and I'm sure someone out there can relate. So please - I'd really like some advice. :/
Today I am just not myself and I feel like I been off for a couple days. I had a fun weekend away with my husband and our two friends that went great. Therefore, I feel like I should be on a high. I believe what has triggered this mood I can't seem to shake is my brother.
A little back story: I was adopted along with my younger sister. We however were separated from our two older brothers. The last time we were all togetherwas when I was four. In August of 2014 our biological mother passed away. As a result the two brothers were able to find us on Facebook. I wasn't sure what to do or how to feel. I decided to get to know them. To get to the point I got really close to one of the brothers and then thins went wrong. He ended up blocking me on Facebook and and ignoring my calls. Almost a year since we talked last.
Which brings us to now. For some reason I decided to call him and he answered. We did some catching up and said some apologies. We have decided to talk once a month only on the phone. Eventhough we talk as if time never stopped it feels different and I am so nervous. I have fear he going to hurt me again and just walk out of my life. It is a ve
ry complicated realationship. If his soon to be ex or my husband finds out we are talking again I could be in trouble. I don't like hiding things from my husband. Eventhough we aren't doing anything wrong I makes it seem wrong by not telling my husband.
I don't fully understand why I feel such a strong need to have a relationship with both brothers. I was adopted into a loving family that provided me great parents and siblings. So it itsnt due to something missing in my life. I guess I feel the more the merrier as long as they treat you right. Since they have found me I have felt so alone on this adventure. My younger sister has decided not to prusue a relationship with them so I feel I can't talk to her. My husband and family aren't sure how to feel and tell me its my choice. So I am left with no one to talk to that can understand or relate.
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Seeing as how 2015 had a lot of unexpecated happenings, I found myself reflecting a lot in online journals, physical journals, and how here. WIth all the ups and downs, I realized that life goes on whether you want to except it or not.
I started reading these books that basically state that whatever you focus on will become a reality. If you focus on negatives, negative things will happen. If you focus on positives, positive things will happen.
This same author came out with a 52 deck of oracle cards. I thought... why not it might be fun.
The other morning just before work I had said "tell me something positive." Then I shuffled the cards, and pulled one card out of the deck. The card's name was: "Everything is Beautiful," and the card read "Get ready to be dumbfounded- in the best possible way. You will be speechless at how beautiful your life really is. Things that once seemed common, that you often took for granted, are about to show off their true colors. Real beauty is about to come into focus. You can thank the universe later."
What a card to pull. I wanted to share this. 2015 was a hard year for me, but it's important to remember that you can always find beauty in negative spaces.
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As a lot of people on here are familiar with, I have lived a life of suppressing my feelings I knew were there, maybe not completely understood, but definitely felt. I am now in the position of accepting myself for the first time in my entire life, really examining "Who am I?". There are so many times in my life I think back, decisions were made, or avoided, and this part of me played a key factor in that. I'm not a person big on regret, I like to live a purposeful life, however I can't help but wonder how things might be different in some areas. These decisions, whether they be wrong or not, I have to make something good come from them. Fear is such a powerful thing, and can have such control over decisions we make even when we see the consequences could be devastating. I want to live as me. I will have to live as me....eventually.
In the past week, I came out to my two best friends. The support was incredible, I almost didn't get through it, I couldn't even say the word out loud, I still haven't....bisexual....bisexual....I read it like a breath of fresh air, however trying to say the word, it steals my air, my heart beats out of my chest, I just can't say it yet. So at the moment, I will have to be ok with looking at the beauty of it. It gives me a peaceful feeling to look at the word, a sense of pride....that's me, I know who I am. I am ok, I'm going to be ok.
One of my best friends, as I've mentioned before, is a gay man, and has always had very strong opinions about people identifying as bi. I wasn't going to tell him because of this, but I decided he loved me and I felt would support me no matter what. That's what true friends are for. He was so loving, and was so careful with all that he said to me. It brought him back to when he was coming out, and how hard it had been. He explained that my path would be different than his, he didn't understand it, but I didn't understand his either. He promised to get me through it. I knew I had made the right choice in telling him. I talked to him about all of the pain I had carried through the years because of this part of me, always trying to cover it up with the biggest smile. He said "Now you know why I'm always the funniest person in the room, tears of a clown." That statement cut me to my core, because I knew exactly what he meant. I think my best friend believes I'm not bisexual, and that I'm going to eventually be identifying as a lesbian. I have told him this is not the case, and he just grins. I don't care that he doesn't agree with me, as long as he does it with love.
One part of my journey I still struggle with, that I may always struggle with, is my husband. I love him dearly. He makes me so happy, this part of me has nothing to do with him. He would never be able to accept this part of me. Now that I have been able to tell my best friends, they both agree, he can never know. I don't know that I can do anything behind his back. I've never been dishonest with him in all the years I have known him. He doesn't deserve that from me. So here I circle back around, this part of me, still pushed back, suppressed, the tears of a clown. But isn't the word beautiful.....bisexual.....I can see it, and it can calm my soul......and one day maybe I can say it.
Things have improved in the past few months. We'll be glad to get out of this crappy studio. This was only meant to be a temporary stop on our journey. Management doesn't take responsibility for what they should. They either ignore problems or if they do something about it, cheap out. For example, they're suppose to have an exterminator out for all of the units tomorrow. Not going to even describe the unwanted visitors we've all been plagued with. Different sorts, but, we've all had them. They had someone come out & do a treatment six months ago & it didn't do any good. We're looking to purchase a mobile home & it can't be soon enough.
I also am waiting on new glasses. It's been years since I had any. When we could afford them, didn't need them. When I did, we didn't have the extra funds. My eyes have been bothering me, plus, it was my & my husband's birthday gift to me. I should have taken the prescription somewhere else. I let the woman at the optometrist's pffice (first time I was there) send it in. It's been two weeks & I still don't have them. I found out today, that, the lab they use is in TX. I had called her before they closed, but, she waited until after they had, so, she has to call tomorrow. She's nice, but seems a bit flaky. If it was me, I would regularly call the lab to make sure they're expediting things, so, the patients don't have to wait long.
The two aforementioned are the main stressful & depressing situations. Overall, other things have gotten better. One thing, we bought a good used Town Car three months ago. It's comfortable, a smooth ride, handles well. It only had one previous owner who, obviously, maintained it very well. We're doing the same. We just want to be into the next chapter of our lives, where, it doesn't always feel like such a struggle.
Plus, I'm a little hurt that my husband was the only one who acknowledged that today was my birthday. We're going out tomorrow, to one of our favorite places, for breakfast. It's rather subdued this year. I don't quite feel like celebrating. Next year, I'm looking forward to it. I know we'll be back on track & have experienced so many good things. What would have helped, put me in a better frame of mind, is if more people remembered it was my birthday. One person did here, so, thank you for that. I don't expect a fuss. Just a simple happy birthday would suffice.
My best gal pal moved to MI last year, with her husband, to take care of her parents. Haven't heard from her. Nor my other good friend, who, stopped communicating with me a few weeks ago. I thought I would, at least, hear something from them. I'm going to stop typing now, before, I feel more hurt & disappointed.
Four months ago I lost my older brother… I’m heartbroken, pissed off, relieved and just - sad. The empty kind of sad, where you feel hollow and you have to remind yourself to breathe. Just breathe. Ah, what can I say; it’s complicated, always has been.
My brother wasn’t the typical big brother. He wasn’t my protector, my rock, my male role model – none of that. He would have wanted to be though. He probably thought he was. But that’s not the hand he was dealt. In many ways, I was his older sister even though he was seven years older than me. That’s the way it goes when someone is developmentally stunted by a paediatric head trauma. He never fully recovered and never really progressed past the maturity level of a 14 year old. In a lot of ways he seemed much younger than that – a perpetual child.
He was too kind, too trusting, too naïve and always seeking approval. Sadly, this world is not designed to care for or protect those who are unable to care for or protect themselves. It’s fucking cruel out there and people can be downright mean when you don’t fit the mold.
He was ruthlessly bullied in school because he was different. I mean beat up, stuffed in a garbage can, humiliated and basically tortured on a regular basis. The saddest part is that if any of those kids were to have given him the time of day, he would have welcomed their friendship with open arms and done anything to please them. Even after they treated him like shit! His caring heart knew no boundaries; not even the kind that are intended for self-preservation.
Eventually, that quirky, carefree little boy turned to drugs and alcohol – either to fit in or tune it out. I really can’t say which one, and neither can I blame him. Although there were brief periods of sobriety throughout his adulthood, he always fell back into his addictions. So many times that I lost count. The depth and breadth of pain that causes a family is indescribable.
I’ll never forget his first, ‘1st birthday’. He was so proud to have his little sis there to support him. And I was so proud and hopeful that he would finally find his way back to us. But those hopeful moments were few and far between… and as time passed, I lost hope. It wasn’t because I stopped loving him; it was because I couldn’t handle another minute of watching him self-destruct in slow motion. I felt so helpless…
From the outside, his life was unbearable. Addiction, physical and mental abuse, homelessness, health issues – extreme doses of all those things. He was constantly in pain and suffering more than any one person should ever have to… and there was nothing I could do to make it better. That's hard to swallow, especially now that it’s too late. And from the inside, well, I guess I’ll never really know. He was always smiling, rarely complained and just seemed to go through the motions – one day at a time.
My brother was beautiful in ways I struggle to articulate and it broke my heart to watch him suffer. For years I prayed for God to show him mercy and give him peace because I knew I couldn’t save him. I’m glad he likely didn’t realize he needed to be saved. Because then he would know that I failed him…
I swear, usually I'm a very positive person. Almost sickeningly positive. Which is why I really feel I must put that disclaimer at the front of my blog. Considering the last couple blogs I've posted haven't been about the most cheery subjects, I just really wanted that out there, lol.
The last month has been like a blur, actually EXACTLY the last month, to the day.
K was admitted to the hospital, with the same symptoms as in January, when we thought she wasn't going to make it. Liver failure, hepatitis C, past breast cancer, aspirated pneumonia, the list just went on. So this time, another 14 hour drive, fast fast fast, can't drive fast enough to get there. By the time we found out she was in the hospital again and are making our trip, she was already in another coma, and again, they figured she wouldn't make it. It's hard to listen to that kind of prognosis when 10 months ago we were told the same thing, and 3 months later she walked out of the hospital on her own volition, and we got to see her two more times (once here, once there) before now. So ... hearing that isn't easy, it's so easy to brush it off, that "she'll wake up again."
Finally got with the lawyer, K's lawyer, and got her health care directives, her last will, her medical wishes, power of attorney. Got it all to the hospital to her primary ICU doctor... only to find out that she explicitly said in her living will (which she redid after her last coma) that she does NOT want to be kept alive, she does NOT want feeding tubes, no respirators, no vents, no nothing that will give her extra life than she gives herself. Being faced with THAT.... beyond words. There is so much crying, so much wondering, so much breaking down, so much praying, so much heartbreak. Being faced with her not WANTING to stay, knowing that that situation could happen again, and knowing she was already on borrowed time, and realizing that she just wants to be let go... her faith is strong and she just wants to be with Jesus. She even told R on the way to the hospital that she does NOT want to be kept alive again if anything at the hospital went wrong.
R (K's boyfriend) doesn't want to let her go. He thinks, knows, that she'll get up and walk away from this. That she will survive and just next time this happens they "won't take her to the hospital." .... as hard as it is knowing that she wants to be let go, even harder is seeing the love of her life go through realizing that staying with him, staying with any of us, isn't what she wants. She doesn't want the pain, the hardship, being weak. Trying to convince him of that is near impossible. They've been together 3 years, but to any other couple, it seems they've been together 30. They are true soulmates.
Made the decision to take her off machines and end her suffering. This is not done without nausea, or tears, or gutwrenching indecision, however. What seemed like the longest day of our lives. Finally at 10:30pm everyone understood that this was happening, it was her wish. Nothing will change that. Realizing that not only would we lose K, but probably the respect of several who disagreed and wanted to keep her around, well .... hard. But necessary. 10:30pm they pulled out the tubes, the vent, the meds, everything except heavy sedation, anxiety meds, everything to keep her relaxed and out of any pain. Soft gospel music was played, her favorite, many prayers, and lots of touching of her arms, hands, forehead, legs, 7 of us in the room with her, softly talking and openly weeping. I held her right hand the entire time, but I couldn't stop from crying on her arm. I tried. 11:00pm she opened her eyes, is struggling to breathe, looks directly at R (boyfriend) and M (daughter). Seems to focus on them, and only them, even in a room full of people wanting to be there with her. She then seems to kind of drift, and starts seeing things we don't see, seems to look right through us. At 11:38pm, she was gone. Just gone. I can't even describe how empty this makes me, she wasn't my mother, but she was like a second mom to me, truly. I can still hear her laugh even now, sometimes. She had a very distinctive and beautiful laugh, and such a gorgeous way of looking at things. She could really never dislike anyone much, always saw the good in everyone, always made sure you had everything you needed, before she looked after herself. The world is truly darker now. Heaven most definitely gained an angel.
We'd forgotten some of her things at the hospital the night before when we left there, in a daze. We'd picked up K's car just today, the car had sentimental value and we were planning on driving it back home when we went. We were driving it to the hospital to pick up her items, when at a stop light waiting to turn, we got rear-ended in K's car, by a man going around 45 - 50 mph, who happened to look down at his phone. We crashed into the person in front of us too when we were hit, and long story short, the car was totaled. Just another great occurrence this week. I had a seatbelt mark all down my body, black and blue, from where the seatbelt was already locked when we started the drive, so I slammed into the seatbelt without any give to it at all. Had pain for 2 weeks after, never thought it would go away. M was luckily fine, thank goodness, but the car was totaled. Just a shame. Was K's only physical possession that she owned, besides a few knick knacks, etc.
Certain family members left don't have the right mental capacity to handle bills or responsibilities without K around to help them. We still don't know what to do with their precarious living situation, as it is tricky, and since these people are the LAST family M has in the entire world, and she doesn't want to alienate them from her. After we've offered to help with bills for them, or helping them look after their financial books now for them (for free) we've already been asked if "now that we have all of K's money, are we going after their money now too?" .......... which is beyond inappropriate to begin with, especially coming from said family, and beyond that, we didn't get MONEY from K at this point. Jesus, MONEY is the last thing we'd fucking want. We want HER BACK. Not fucking MONEY. How fucking inappropriate...
As we are still there, still processing, still cleaning up the mess left, still dealing with lawyers and paperwork and fucking cremating a family member, when I get a phone call from back home. Another family member has just killed himself while we were gone, in a very violent way. I can't even process this at this point. So much death. So much tragedy. So much taken from us. So much taken from everyone in the family. So many bonds broken. At this point I reached my breaking point and just had to just break down. Nothing seemed real anymore.
Since then, it's been just kind of a blur. Trying to stay positive for M, trying to stay positive for my family, it's just kind of overwhelming. Getting through though, and I know M is coping as well. The last conversation M had with her mom was telling her about her transition. Right after her birthday, and the same week that K went to the hospital, M came out, 25 years old and telling her mom that she has been wanting to transition from M to F for at least 8 years, if not her whole life. The conversation, thankfully, went well ... and the last text M got from her mom, which is the last contact they had before K went to the hospital that last time, was merely .... "I've always loved a good Melody." (The name that M is switching to.) .... so at least there is that. A good resolution with that, which is more than she could have hoped for. There are so many "what if's" and "If only's" when someone dies. Does that ever end?
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Ok, thought I should actually use this at least once. Sooooooooooo... Whats been going on lately? Well, I just moved to Bishop Auckland: not far but closer to work, no longer living with family. Now I'm renting with my best friend. Took a while to get the internet up and running and I used up all my phone data in the meantime... It isn't much haha.
The place is still a complete mess but is very slowly starting to look like a house. Work doesn't help with this by piling on overtime even though they knew I was moving but I kind of expected that? A lot of the past few weeks has been moving my stuff/setting up direct debits/changing suppliers and its been quite exhausting; hence my absence. I was off work sick two weeks prior to the move 'cause I hurt the muscles at the base of my spine (via coughing fit LOL) so initially I couldn't do much to help with the move which annoyed me.
All in all, its been frustrating and tiring but baby steps.
Sorry, its all rather boring, I know but there you have it.
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She snores softly next to me. The moonlight caresses her shoulder and she smells of pumpkin spice latte and marshmallow. Good enough to eat... Something I might attempt, if not for the fact that we both have to be up for work in 5 hours and my sinus pressure that is threatening to cave in my face is causing insomnia..which is why I am here my friends. Writing for you instead of snoring in unison with the lovely Boadicea.
So...when last we spoke I was getting ready to leave my beautiful fiancé for God knows how long. Plane tickets are expensive and since we were both born good looking instead of rich ... money was tight.
Walking away from her at the airport was the single most difficult thing I had ever done. It felt like someone had plunged their hand into my chest and ripped my heart out. Well, the heart was hers, so I would've left it there anyway but I was NOT prepared for the emptiness of the gaping hole it left in my chest. I was lost. Listless. An empty shell of the vibrant person that I had become just a week ago. I was grieving. The only likeness I can use to describe the sorrow and agony of that moment is the loss of someone very dear. A death. Nothing made it better, because nothing was her. No hug was her hug. No comfort extended from anyone could reach into the abyss that I was curled up in the fetal position at the bottom of. She was in agony as well, but worse. I came home to my house not haunted by her. She was left with our memories everywhere.
No. This just wasn't going to work.
We HAD to be together. Over the next few weeks our conditions slightly improved. We were both prone to fits of uncontrollable crying, and we couldn't sleep without the other on the phone. But, we were getting better. We both knew we would never be able to be as strong apart as we were before we met. So, as I aways do, I prayed. Fervently. We both did. It was a frustrating time of knowing what we want and learning to be patient and to wait for God's timing. Then as we talked one night she said Baby, I'm ready to come home. A door had opened to give us the opportunity to finally do this... We were really doing it... OH MY GOD. IT'S HAPPENING.. My emotions came in waves of overwhelming joy and oh..shit! So much to do. Don't panic. We set a date. September 17th. I got my plane ticket. She booked the UHaul... And then we both got in to beast mode. There was lots to do, and not alot of time to do it. It was amazing how much useless crap one little pack rat can accumulate. I trashed it all. What a job.. Okay fast forward------>
The move was tricky. 857 miles in a UHaul with a basset hound and 2 cats. Temp was between 85 and 90 degrees. The only solution... Basset in between us. Cats in the vehicle in tow. We had to drive at night when the temperature was cooler.
I was up at 5 a.m. on September 17th. The plane was set to take off at 3:20. We decided that I would arrive. We would nap and then drive that evening. ***FLIGHT DELAY 2 hours***
So needless to say there was no nap. We loaded up. Said our goodbyes and what followed was the most gruelling, painful, horrific trip of our entire lives, broken up only by a 1 hour stay at a hotel overrun with crack heads. Seriously. Like a walking dead episode. Thanks Little Rock. Won't be returning there for our honeymoon.
Ladies...If you EVER want to move that far, and you have the ability to save enough to hire someone to move you? DO EEET. Get your happy ass on a plane. Trust me. Your money will have been well spent.
857 miles, a pack and a half of cigarettes later and with a little less of our sanity and a significant loss of our cognitive abilities.. We made it. We were home..
After we decompressed and slept like corpses in a bed that was too small, (trust me we did not care how small it was. It felt like heaven) we woke up and unloaded B's stuff into a very small house. Overwhelming. Stressful. Check and check.
Thus began our adjustment period. She is very organized. Everything has a place. She quickly realized I am NOT. We aren't as extreme as The Odd Couple, but I definitely have a tiny bit of the Oscar streak. I find that we are very similar in most ways, but our polar opposites, the ones we do have, work together to help each other.
We are perfect for each other. Once we adjusted to sleeping in bed together, and got a routine we settled in to family life together effortlessly. A family of 8. Kind of like a modern version of the Brady Bunch...except no Alice. Man, I would love to have Alice to help us. Lol
Two of our latest hurdles that have been cleared:
B took a leap of faith to move here, and was unemployed. After a month, still no promising leads. She had some interviews but no call backs. It was getting to us. I am not a worrier but we were both feeling the strain. So of course... when in doubt we pray. She got a call for an interview. It went well. We waited. For a week. No word. She called. Still interviewing, they said. Just when we are on the verge of a freak out, she gets a call back. I'm pacing like an anxious father in the next room waiting for the sound of a baby. She comes out with a glow on her face. "I got it" THANK YOU LORD. She really likes it. Long drive, but we have plans to move closer. Everything is falling into place.
With the holidays coming, B and I wanted to spend our first Thanksgiving and Christmas at home with the boys, as a family.
I must add that my family knew of her as a roommate. I hadn't come out to them. So of course, my mother wanted me and her grandsons over for the holidays. Why wouldn't she? From her perspective I was single with nowhere to go.
Nope..I had to tell the truth. I was tired of lying. It wasn't fair to B. I thought the news would be ill received, judging by the anti gay propaganda and Kim Davis support my religious mother had shared on her facebook page. I was done caring. So I sent her a long email. The response I got was one of love, acceptance and support. I could've been knocked over with a feather. She can't wait to meet B. She and my stepfather are coming over to our house for Thanksgiving. Another piece has fallen into place. I guess we will have more people at our wedding than I thought.
I made a mistake of thinking that everyone would be against us, and I was wrong in assuming that. We have gotten nothing but positivity.
So that's where we are now. If you read my last blog you know how extremely far we have come in a year and 4 months. I am looking forward to the rest of our lives, and at the same time I cherish every moment because I remember what it was like to want her so badly next to me and to long for her.
Ladies, I leave you with this...
If you find someone who sets your soul on fire, don't let them go out of fear of the unknown. They may just be the love of your life.
Long story short my mom had a stroke 2 years ago and I had to leave my job to take care of her. (I hated the job and it was kicking my ass and making me miserable, so nothing lost there but the paycheck.) Financially, I am totally ruined. Credit card's nearly maxed out, I'm still drowning in my student loan bills, and my accounts are wiped out. I started a small business on the side just to try to make some money, and I have a bunch of sites I use to earn as much as I can, but it hasn't been enough. Between her medical bills, my bills, the household bills, and other family things (youngest sibling in her last year at college, grandmother dying, etc) we're both seriously struggling. She doesn't qualify for state or government programs.
There's no one in the family to help out either. They're all either just as broke or can't be bothered. No friends either - we'd been surviving on donations for a while but I can't ask for more money.
And I'd hoped by now things would have been stable enough for me to move out or at least get a new job, but mom still needs 24/7 care and we can't afford to hire anyone. She can't be home alone for more than a few hours at a time. Like, enough time to go to the grocery store but not a part time job. She makes little to no attempt at doing the important things (that she can actually do) on her own and the few things she will try to do are too dangerous.
So here I am, drowning in debt, watching my credit score drop, and completely out of ideas of what I can do. And I feel awful about this but I already lost so much of my youth to severe depression. That's also gotten so much worse. I feel like I missed out on my 20s too (and it's extremely lonely...)
Of course I would be the one the others are annoyed with, but I know the struggle of attracting straight women & just wanting to find a non straight woman to date (sort of sounds like the story of my life). LOL It's also so reflective of shys I had to post it. Even if youtube no longer allows direct video links here. It is still so worth the click.
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I tried a Blog ages ago and I didn't like it, but I'll attempt another.
It's about a girl I knew years ago when we were teenagers. Her name I'll refer to as just R.
We grew up in and outback town in Western Queensland. A small town of about 300 population. In those days there were NO internet, No Mobile Phones and No TV until 1980 which was only the ABC from South Australia.
The local schools were a Catholic School and a Government School we refer to as a State School. Both schools only went to Primary or year 7. Kids had to go away to Boarding Schools or try Correspondence Schooling. I went to the Catholic School and R went to the local State School. We didn't really know each other then but after we had finished school about aged 17 we became friends. Our fathers were 2 of the 3 local builders in town.
Her father was an Odd man, there was always something that I didn't like about him and I felt uneasy around him. He was very strict with R. She wasn't allowed out much but he trusted me, so we went to the movies sometimes. Her mother was an alcoholic and rarely came out of the house.
We both got boyfriends at about 18/19. Her bf was a strange guy as well. He seemed to be a bully and not a man I liked at all. He was 13 years older than her, but she was happy, so I was happy for her. They were to be married and I was to be bridesmaid and my bf, who was 20 years my senior, was to be best man. They were to be married in our capital city of Brisbane, which was a full days drive from where we lived. After me and my bf got there, we were told we weren't wanted, they had changed their minds. My bf was furious as we had to get time off from work etc. So we left, and that was the last time I ever saw her. I was heart broken.
Then about 2 years ago nearly I got a Facebook friend request from her. I was stocked as it's been about 31 years since I've heard from her. We emailed nearly everyday. He husband had treated her so badly. Bashed her etc. She eventually divorced him and had to disappear, No one could know where she was. Later she meet another man and had a kid, that split up. Then she got herself a black belt in Taekwondo as she was determined no man was ever going to bash her again, but, it happened again. This time it was worse. Bashed, broken jaw. I sat reading her emails with tears rolling down my face. How could this lovely, innocent girl I once knew be treated like this? To her it was all now in the past. She said she was glad we had got back together as friends. She said she loved me as a friend and we would never be separated again.
Our fathers both got dementia and were in nursing homes, which now they have both passed away. They both passed within 3 months of each other. Then about 6 months ago, I got an email from her saying she didn't want to be friends anymore. She said I was too controlling and she didn't want to be controlled anymore ever. Wtf was she on about? I emailed back, but no reply. I've emailed a few more times over the last 5 months, but no answer. If I ring, she won't answer.
I don't get it at all. There has to be an explanation. I had told her I had had a fling with a woman. I thought this may be the reason as she is very straight. I had told her in an earlier email about it, and she didn't mind at all. Who wants to be straight and cop that sort of abuse off men.
This is something I think about often and wonder why she would cut me off after being in touch for so long again. Just goes to show, we never know what is in someone's head really. I hate not finding the answer. I find it hard to just let it go without knowing what I've done wrong. Maybe my love is just too much for her as she hasn't known real love and friendship. I understand she is straight, and I'd never risk losing a true friendship because I had stronger feelings. It hurts so much.
I see her everyday now and can't help but wait for the stolen glances, when I have the opportunity. To be honest, I don't even try to hide it anymore, I want her to know, to feel beautiful and sexy. Her innocent face with that mischievous twinkle in her intoxicating blue eyes, makes my heart begin racing. And lowering my gaze to her lips doesn't help at all, when I look back to her eyes and see her watching me. I hold her gaze for a few seconds before looking back down on whatever dismal food they were serving us that day. I try to engage in conversation with my table mates but my eyes are drawn back to her crossing the room for the napkin she forgot or a refill on the sickeningly sweet tea. Her dark hair frames her face, parted deeply to one side so that sometimes only one gorgeous blue eye is peeking out. Her gait is mesmerizing with her full hips swinging to and fro, each cheek jutting out as each step is taken.
We aren't allowed to talk to one another, her and I. We are in different sections of this place, separated only by our different needs here. Our units are connected by a "command center" which I can look through, across to their side. I always sit at the table by this door in case I can catch her walking by. Sometimes she pops into the door way to talk to staff and will glance at me and smile. Good lord her smile, so radiant it lights up her face and I have to catch my breath. Other times when she's talking to them, she will look at me with a faux look of surprise and then grin and I can't help but grin like a goofy star stuck idiot. She has to know what she's doing to me.
Almost every night is the same dream, she is knocking on my window and I sleepily let her in. The look of desire in her eyes is overwhelming and I move her across the room gently pinning her against the wall. I take her face in my hands and kiss her deeply, urgently and she responds in kind. My hands move to her breast and then grabbing her ass I lift her up and take her over to the bed. I usually wake up at this point, breathless, panting for air and swear I can smell her perfume lingering in the air.
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So many of you that decide to read this blog will understand me and these words. To many, I'm preaching to the choir and a lot of you are going to nod in understanding at what I have to say.
I'm a married mom with a son and a full-time job. I'm 35 and I don't really want to be married to a guy nor have my son with me taking all my time anymore. I want to live my life on my own terms with a woman and have a relationship with a woman and not a man right now. I feel like I'm missing that opportunity to be a single woman with no baggage and enjoy my life as a bi-woman. I can't talk to my husband about this because I have a feeling he'll fight me tooth and nail to divorce despite the fact that I'd let him have custody. He doesn't understand these feelings and thinks that if I get into a relationship with a female it'll end up as a three-some (smh!). There is also the moral guilt in leaving my son who is highly attached to me (despite him being 2).
I had this revelation about this relationship change today at work when I was chatting with my co-worker. I work in a health food store (finally found a great job on many levels!!) and I have a lot of attractive, MUCH younger co-workers. We share a lot of the same ideals, we get along well, and I can shamelessly stare at all of my female co-workers and talk about clothes and boobs and etc without them knowing that I am ogling them. Their ages range from 21 to 25. I am not intentionally robbing the cradle, but I don't count myself at 35 either. I almost told one of my co-workers the other day that I'd date her if she wanted. I nearly spilled the beans when we both saw a picture of a physically attractive guy on a magazine I was putting on the shelf. The only part of that conversation which I remember was her saying "I'll take anything I can get at this point." in reference to dating. I really wanted to say it, but I kept my mouth shut. I honestly don't know if she would accept or not and not due to the third wheel thing.
Gaia help me, I want to make out with a few of them so badly! It's not affecting my work performance, but it is definitely not helping my bedroom at home. I don't want to be with my husband and his poor performance. I'd rather play around with a woman's body and bungle that if I'm going to be hard to please sexually. He also doesn't understand this after 7 years of knowing me in and out. I'm tired of it and trying to tell him the exact ways of how to help get me off. If I have to play drill sergeant all these years, I'd rather just use my shower head and get exactly what I need whenever I feel like it.
I don't know what he would say if I told him I wanted to find a woman to have a relationship with. He won't get it. He'll ask what's wrong with him. He wants me to try and take something for my libido or talk to someone, but he is rocking the boat on a choppy sea that he doesn't want to know. This suppression has been going on for months since I joined Shy over a year ago. Mostly, my son and all the housework I do (and now the job) keep me too busy to enjoy such fantasies of dating a woman.
Talking to a professional is not going to land me anywhere good. I'm kind of scared to go primarily for this reason. I'm not worried about ending up homeless because I still want to live in a mobile home with only the things I need and be happy with what I have. He also doesn't understand this either. Being honest with him as I have in the past has led me nowhere and yielded no results. All I have left is my music and my mind to which I escape as often as possible. In my mind, these things and these worlds exist and I can at least find solace in this one place where I am still free to be myself and do whatever I want.
I always swore that I didn't want to become my mom: a woman who is an OA, NA, AA member. A person who slept with other married men while being a married mom of two kids. A woman who held a grudge over her ex-husband for a long time. A woman who gave away both of her kids to her ex-husband because she was incapable of raising them. A person who finally stands on her own two feet doing everything that she wants and making the most of her days. Now I find that I want to live a solitary life like she does in a place all my own with just my stuff and no one to bother me if I don't want it. My job lets me be around people and have more fun than I ever have...than I ever get to do when I'm at home doing dishes, laundry, picking the house up, and cooking all the time with no help.
Sometimes it seems like there is no end to this cycle unless I break it and a lot of people in the process. Perhaps it's only a fleeting wish so that I can stitch it to my girl scout vest of life and proclaim it's something else I've done. Maybe I will actually want to be around my family when the sense of loneliness kicks in. I don't know what the future will bring, but I think I'm mostly sticking around for the boy and not myself...another thing my mother tried to do. I haven't slept with my husband in about a month, not in his room for much longer (although you moms with kids who didn't sleep through the night feel me on the need for a dark, quiet room to sleep in with no snoring!). I wouldn't mind trying it out, but that's not fair to the receptive woman who must know that I've a husband and a child who I must attend to. What if she ends up wanting something more which I may not be able to provide? The questions and concerns and hypotheses are endless and none of them help me when I reach such a level of desire to walk out on everything with just the clothes on my back, my phone, and my laptop.
A couple of weeks ago, AT and I spent a lovely weekend in London. We saw Tipping the Velvet (if you can make it to Edinburgh by the 14th of Nov. I would suggest he highly!) and Saturday we went to an Elvis exhibit at the O2 arena. We were staying not far from the Tower of London, so on Saturday night I ask AT if we could go take a walk around so I could take some night pics of the city. We walked around the Tower toward the Thames and there it was, my favorite structure in the world, the Tower Bridge. It really is a thing of beauty and at night it is absolutely stunning. I told AT about it being my favorite and that every time I look at it, "On Britannia" plays over and over in my head. We found an empty bench near the bridge and sat down. We chatted and held hands and thanked our lucky stars that we had had perfect weather so far. Then I said I was ready to walk across the bridge. Later, AT would tell me she was expecting a proposal there and then, and I told her I knew she would. HA!
As we made our way across the bridge, AT told me she had never seen the bridge raised up before. As we reached the first tower alarms sounded and people started running off the middle section of bridge. There was no panic, but rather, excitement. The bridge was going to raise! We found a spot where we could see and waited. Really, it's kind of anti-climactic to see, but the boat that went through blew its horn and all the people on board raised their hands and yelled to us as they passed. After the bridge was set right again we made our way across and down the other side. I didn't want to propose on the side of the bridge we walked across...it wasn't facing the city and there wasn't much to look at.
So after we looked at things from the right bank, we started making our way back; this time on the other side of the bridge. We bought some peanuts from a vendor in the middle of the bridge which helped to warm us up a little. As we passed the second tower, I stopped and leaned on the railing to look out over the city. AT stopped too and we watched for a minute and then I said, "Now I want you to think very carefully about where we are right now," and I looked over the edge, "will you marry me?" Se said no so then I started to climb over the railing. Not really, I'm still alive. 30 more to go.
I've known for a long time that many things affect the way I feel. One thing in particular is the cleanliness of my house. We all get tired sometimes of cleaning or just tend to get unorganized and things get out of hand. I've known for years that if my house is a mess, mostly my bedroo, then my life feels like a mess or my head is a mess. Many times when this happens, I don't put my finger on it; I ponder for a few before I realize I need to freaking clean!
Now maybe it's a underlining issue... Maybe it's at that point in time that I actually realized that maybe there something else that I need to buy write a letter or go to the store or do something then on my task list for a while. You know, something I have been putting off and cleaning actually helps me get to it.
Anyways, so I'm in the process of moving. I packed everything and the house is clean, well everything's gone... I still need to clean a few things but for the most part the house is empty. I do suffer from depression but I thought that getting everything out on the house and checking something else off my list would make me feel a little lighter... Better or happier... But what it has come to is this: this house is empty and I feel empty inside! Omg! Like really!
This is a huge argument within myself!!
Like this is a big step in my life! I'm changing jobs, my lifestyle, moving back home (for a little while)! I am suppose to be happy! I'm not sad (yet) or scared! I'm ready to go! I've been waiting on these days for years and now my body has the nerve to feel empty! Like I'm missing or can't live without this crap! Wtf!
Like is this bipolar?? Seriously. I feel like I'm judging someone else. I really feel like I am too different people, or more. I really need my feelings to get themselves together. Sheesh!
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I spend a lot of time hiding in plain sight, covering up all sorts of insecurities, just as we all do. Some of this is due to my upbringing. It was full of a lot of judgement. But some of my insecurities are quite rational. There are a fair number of people who have proven that they cannot accept certain aspects of me. So here they are. I ....
* have trichotillomania
* suffer from chronic depression
* am prone to dissociation
* am on edge most of the time
* have trouble with boundaries so I'm ultra-conservative about them
* cannot eat many foods because I find them nauseating
* practically phobic about a bunch more foods
* can't stand alcohol
* have social anxiety
* am bisexual
* hate wearing makeup
* feel uncomfortable in "nice" clothes
* can't tolerate high heels
* am judgemental of others more than I wish I was
Of course there's a whole lot more to me. It's just that these are many of the things that make me feel judged. So there you go.
I am so tired of hiding who I am. I am tired of not feeling comfortable in my own skin for the sake of others. So as of today, I am owning it! I deserve to be who I am just like everyone else does. I deserve to be happy with who I am. It's unfortunate that its taken me this long to realize that I haven't been true to myself. I have allowed myself to be boxed in by the expectations of others. I have allowed myself to be held back for the sake others comfortability. No one can make me happy if I can't be happy with myself. So I am owning it. I am who I am. Take it or leave it. Love me or don't.
I am proud of who I am , who I have become through all my struggles. I will no longer hide behind what others want and what others think I should be.
I am a beautiful soul, a strong independent woman, a lover, a fighter, a nerd, a quirky lady, a sarcastically fluent person. I am crud at times. I am passionate and enthusiastic. I am bisexual. I love men and I love women. I find beauty and appeal in both sexes. I am a little off my rocker. I am a line crosser. I am opinionated. I am giver and a taker. I am all these things and so much more. I am me and I am owning it.
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