If I don't phone, text or email you, please know you're still in my mind & heart. Which is why I can't contact you. It would hurt too much. It might lessen in time, but, I don't know if it will ever completely go away. If you reach out to me (which I hope that you will), I may not answer or get back with you. Believe me, I want to, more than anything. I'm keeping all of the messages. Even if they seem to be deleted, I saved them elsewhere. Right now, I don't have my phone on much & I'm not checking my email. The phone would probably be the best place,though, when you want to get a hold of me.
So with only 4 hours of sleep, my alarm woke me at 5:30am yesturday morning to start my day. Had my clothes laid out, but of course I changed my mind as to what to wear as usual. Few sips of coffee, and bowl of oatmeal and I was out the door listening to the new playlist that a dear Shy friend created for me. When I got to the airport the ceiling was broken up enough that I didn't have to file ifr to get out...so did a quick pre-flight on my plane and took off heading east into the rising sun.
When I got to Bakersfield they had tugged my work plane out of the hanger and I parked right next to her for her pre-flight. Some War planes, including a B-29 were parked outfront of the FBO offering people tours and rides. So I went in and hung out in the pilots lounge, texted in passengers who said they were on their way.
In the back of my mind I'm really hoping the main gal I'm flying will be good looking, and someone I get along with because it sucks when you don't like your passengers or they don't like you. Then I look in my bag and realize I forgot to pack tampons! So I tip toe up to the front desk receptionist and ask her wher I could by some. She winked at me and gave me a hand full..thank heaven for that!
So I get a text "I'm in the lobby now", and I run out to meet her and turns out she is absolutley beautiful, and those eyes just pull me in! We sat in the rocking chairs talking in the pilots lounge, waiting for the doctor to arrive. Turns out she's married too with two small kids. The old doctor showed up and we headed out the door. He wanted a few pictures of himself snapped infront of the B-29, it was cute.
We jumped in the plane, did my run up, called the tower and took off to Inyokern. I really like flying this C-182 with the souped up engine. They put a bigger engine with a three bladed prop and the thing climbs fully loaded like a rocket! My friend Phil in AK said all it needs is floats! (Yeah if there was only a lake not dried up in this dust bowl state of ours).
The flight was smoothe over the mountains in the morning which makes things easier on everyone. When we got to KIYK we sat around the lounge talking til our rental car arrived. Really hit it off with K, she told me she just texted our boss to thank him for hiring me! Then she asked if maybe I could fly her and her husband to Vegas sometime, and I said that be a fun trip we can all do together.
I went with them to the dermotoolgy office and hung out while they did their thing. Brought my laptop and all my toys and played until my head hurt too bad. So the receptionist took me to a backroom where I could rest on an exam table for awhile. A half hour into that K comes in and over to my bed and tells me she gets headaches too everytime she comes to Ridgecrest, and offered me some ibruprofen. She says she bought two bottles just for these trips. Again with those eyes...
So several hours latter we were on our way back to the airport. My head still hurt and I was feeling pretty tired. The gate code didn't work so K climbed the fence to let us in. Called up Josua approuch to follow us back as we climbed back into the mountain range. It started getting a bit bumpy then we got into an updraft (better then a downdraft) and climbed 1,000ft in like 5 seconds! This plane is hard to slow down on decent to, so have to start powering back miles out. Almost there and BFL approuch told me "turn right heading 180° vectors for landing traffic"...this is where I learn I need my rest before I start flying this beast. So what do I do, I turn right 180°s! So now I'm flying a heading of 270° degress instead!! I was so tired and trying to avoid shock cooling, while slowing down I misunderstood my instructions. The controller caught me and gave me a new heading, it wasn't a big deal, but I am hard on myself.
Anyway, after we landed (10 hours after I arrived in the morning) we taxied back just in time to see a girl in a bikini doing pin-up shots under the B-29. We teased the old doctor to get some pictures of him and the plane now and had a good laugh. I said good bye to everyone, did a quick post-flight, loaded up my plane, got my clearance back to San Luis Obispo and took off...again into the sun.
I was trying to beat the fog on my way back so I wouldn't have to go all the way around to shoot the approuch. By the time I got close it was 900ft covering half the airport. Sky West couldn't find the airport and approuch vectored me out of their way until they got closer on the GPS approuch to runway 29. I got cleared to follow them in, so I set the ils in nav 1, and used it as a back course to find the runway. The sun was setting over the fog, a black hole burnt into my retina and all I could see was this blurry haze out my windsheild. So I dove down until I saw the vasi lights, and brang it in low at about 110 kts, chopped the power over the numbers and landed before the fog engulfed the rest of the runway!
Next week, I'm getting more sleep!!!
i'm so stressful lately with the airline tickets and all the work i have to finish before i'm off. this is the last week of me and everybody is giving me mixed feelings. it makes me feel like i don't want to leave you know.
i've been pissing at everyone too. lol. because i'm so stressed i have to admit. it feels like i'm going to explode anytime soon. but for now the flights are booked. i'll off next week on June 1 to Los Angeles. i'll have 8 hours 42 mins there to explore whatever the heck i need to do in this city of angels before transferring to my friend place in Kansas.
she's caring too much and she pissed me off too, calling me day and night to talk about airline tickets and baggage. she basically just gave me more stress which i hung up the phone one morning at the office ;/
we both admit we were wrong at some points. at least we said it and got a better understanding of each other. i used to be silent about what pissed me off, but in the last couple of months, actually in the last year, i learned from L that i needed to share it. people gonna like/hate it, but at least they know how i feel. that's important.
my friend wanted me to transfer some stuffs here for her. nothing's illegal of course. her bf wanted to do the same thing with his shoes. and i couldn't bring too much because i only have 2 hands with one big luggage, a carry-on and a bag. my size is small, people, i'm 5'1. don't drown me in luggage ;/
i travel very light because i only have a few stuffs i keep rotating to wear.
4 years ago, i wear lots of clothes. i even think my closet is very big compared to a tomboy kinda gal. lol. it must be like of a girly girl with dresses and stuffs, but moi is just full of different clothes for mix-matching.
now i only wear a few things. i don't know. i think when you experience certain things in life, your point of view changed, and you see things, act differently. there are more things valuable than clothes and money.
everyday about 2-3 o'clock in the afternoon, i'd go out to buy some snacks for the company. i thought it's the right thing to do. it's like little office farewell parties everyday. lol.
on Friday, which is my last day at work, the maid of our company made spring rolls for all of us, lots of spring rolls. they're my favorite :'D gosh, she's a good cook. nom nom. best spring rolls i've ever eaten so far. if i could eat spring rolls every day, i would.
L still joked about the cake. i was like she should open her bakery store, i'd be a fan, she knows it. she's like nahh, her favorite fan is not here, who else to eat? lol awh.
i sent a few messages out to some gals in LA on a dating site. lol. just so i'll have someone to explore the city with. nothing's physical or flirting. i think i'm kinda old now. i'd of go out and hang with strangers if it was 4 years ago. anyway, i got a message back from this gay gal. she's cute as a button. she's there for studying, so i think she's still exploring the city and stuff. i'm thrilled to get to know her. maybe we'll keep in touch or something after that. i don't have high hopes up, i just can't wait to land in LA and see it for myself :'D excited already.
on thursday i hung with my uni friends after work. all 4 of us have been in the States, so we talked about our previous experiences and what we love/remember the most. ooh good old memories. i want to study some writing classes just so i can develop and express myself better in both writing and speaking. i think it's mandatory. don't you think? or maybe just ask some cute gals tutoring me. hehe. after this job which forces me to write and think a lot, i start to love writing. previously all i ever write is erotica. lol.
my big boss's bday party on Friday night. Friday is also my last day at work. i have one week at home to start packing and prepare stuff.
he booked a balcony part of a bar for his private party. we wore a ribbon to be allowed inside the area. all his friends are in the city, so he holds a bday party here along with people working for him.
it's a rooftop bar in the city center. i've never been there before, the view is absolutely stunning. plus, we can drink all we want. lol. there's a 4-stage of cupcakes, a big birthday cake, and a lot of finger food. the food is yuck though if you ask me. just looking at the color i don't want to eat. lol. it's understandable since it's a bar, it's not like a restaurant you know. there are a lot of guests coming in, but they're not allowed to go to our party. poor things. but literally, one day i want my bday party would be like that, private, elegant, and wild. lol.
he's gay, so all his friends are gay, definitely most good looking gay guys are there. it's like a gay night out. lol.
when M comes, she says the security guards downstairs are like "umm it's wild up there, and gay". lol.
i asked J to go with me. she said yes in the afternoon, but she was so tired with all the work she's doing during the day, she falls asleep. in the middle of waking up/falling asleep, she texts me she can't go. she has to wake up early in the morning. so i let her be and wish her a good night when i'm at the party. it's a couple of hours from when she texted me, so if she happens to wake up because of my text, it wouldn't be so bad.
i actually plan to ask this gal, whom i used to go out a lot with. but i guess she isn't in the city atm. i couldn't phone her. so i think of J. i just feel like she should mingle with the company team and see how we roll you know. plus, i kinda want to go out with her. i just feel like when i talked to her, she was really exciting going out. but when she texted me, it would be like having the influence of her bf, whom still pissed over me when we saw each other and i was with L. i don't know, maybe it's not like that.
literally the party turns into a farewell party of me. lmao. because everyone asks to take pictures with me when they all know i'll fly out on June 1, a week away from now. i got to talk to a guy in the company and i encourage him to follow what he likes. his path is quite similar to mine, studying in tourism and hospitality and all.
at the end of the day i can't count how many drinks i have anymore @_@ tipsy tipsy. i got to know a little bit about the head bartender. he's from Paris and he looks like a Japanese killer in Fast and Furious series. lol. he speaks english very well for a Parisian, to be honest.
he joked about how young i look, i was like "wanna see my ID?". he's like no. he asked how old i am. i say i'm 25, and he tells me to guess his age. i'm close when i say 28 because of his beard. he's 30, handsome, and lean build. i talked to straight gals, i was like why nobody comes up to him but me, i'm not straight. lol. everybody is like he looks cold. then i'd answer "you girls, i don't look friendly at all", and we laugh.
our group including my office boss plan to go to this famous gay guy bar to have some fun. there's a drag show today. we then walked to another bar to drink shots and stayed there for awhile.
when we head to popeyes, i'm like swaying and i sleep in the bathroom for quite sometimes. lol.
i come out, head laying on the table and start to cry ;[[ i have pretty mixed feelings, especially early that night mom kissed my shoulder and said she wanted to, in case it'll take a long time for her to kiss me again. i couldn't hold my tears after hearing that.. whenever i think of it, i'd burst out crying like a little kid. M said she cried a little bit when she heard it from me. i heard it via a friend of us, she told me.
sometimes i feel like M is not straight, but she hides it so well. the way she looks at me is not like a straight girl look you know.
last time we went out watching Godzilla, she got food poison and she was hugging the bathroom toilet in the middle of the film till it's over. so i asked to get her home safe and i'd sleepover. she held my waist the whole ride and it was weird. because i never did it before.
i was crying, and laying on the table like that until the morning comes and the fog makes me cold. 2 gay guy friends i know at the office, one i know when i went out with my office boss, take my ride and park somewhere safe. he got me a cup of earl grey but i dislike earl grey. lol. he also keeps my key, while i just hop on a cab and get home. i think i have to get my ride tomorrow when i have to go out with scorpio sistas and some of their friends who i got to know during our previous trip. one of the girl there fancied me. she tagged me in a social media post wanting to hold a little party for me, and we all should meet up. we have very strong chemistry. i just don't want to do anything about it because nobody should stick with me. i don't know, for some reasons i don't think i'm a good gf material? ;o maybe i just lose hope in dating. i especially don't want to do it since i'm leaving soon.
i have to go out today with bestie 1, M, and a couple of friends whom we used to work at this bar. gosh, i don't know how long i can do this drinking every night T_T
a couple of years ago, this is what i like. for now, no thanks. i'm dying looking at the calendar with marks to go out with friends, and family. pray for me.
it happens every night from now. i'll cancel all other requests on May 31, just so if i have a bad hangover, i can get over and ready for my flight. lol.
i still remember my last time flying, i was drunk af. i tried to act accordingly to pass all security and stuff. and sleep all the way on the plane. lol. it was a long flight, about 20 hours something. when i land i'm so energetic and go explore the new city all day. sigh. i feel like old now. lol
Right this second, Callie is on a plane that's about to take off, heading back to England. I'm feeling sad and lonely, so I wanted to take a few minutes to focus on the magical week we spent together. I don't think my words can do this amazing week justice, as I'm not at my most eloquent right now. And really, no amount of words could ever convey everything we felt and experienced. But I'll do my best...
On Saturday I turned 30, and I had the best birthday present I could ever ask for: the love of my life arrived in my hometown to help me celebrate. We spent my last two birthdays apart, so this meant more than I could say to have her here with me for such a big birthday. Almost all of the most important people in my life (minus our beautiful beautiful babies) were here to usher in 30, and it truly was my best birthday yet.
Monday morning we rented a cute little red car and made the drive to Niagara Falls for our "weddingmoon." We drove through Canada, which was especially exciting for Callie as she'd never been there before. We were racing the clock a little to get to the city clerk's office before they closed, but made it just in time to apply for our marriage license(!!!) That was so exciting, and I think the moment where everything really seemed real, that everything was finally going to work out for us. I was so excited I even took a picture of the license and sent it to my mom.
After checking into out hotel, we had plenty of daylight and lovely sunshine left to explore this beautiful place we had chosen to get married and we set off to find a perfect location for our wedding. We found a beautiful spot, with a view of the falls, and walked around the falls, laughing together and joking about our "pre-honeymoon," aka our "honeysun," "nectarmoon," and all the other silly names we came up with before settling on "weddingmoon" (tha majority of our honeymoon was BEFORE we got married). That night we decided to walk across the border to Canada (how cool is that?!) for dinner. The view of the falls from Canada was absolutely breathtaking! We ran into a border guard with a god complex coming back into the US, which was incredibly ridiculous and made us a little nervous for the rest of the trip (not that we had any reason to be!) but definitely gave us something to talk about for the rest of the evening...and the rest of the week!
Tuesday, after a little shopping, we went on the Maid of the Mist - the one thing I wanted to do most while we were there (second to marrying Callie, of course!). I've heard about this boat ride for years and thought it sounded amazing. And of course, my two favorite characters from one of my favorite TV shows got married on the Maid of the Mist!! (Poor Callie, I must have bored her to death and driven her beyond crazy talking about Jim and Pam like they were old friends.) I've done a lot of cool things in my life, but this has got to be one of the most incredible experiences ever. Seeing the falls from down below, getting drenched in the mist, hugging and kissing my beautiful fiancée, waterfalls surrounding us...it was magical. There's no other way to describe it, it was simply magical. That night we met up with my mom, sister, and brother-in-law to see the falls lit up. Callie took some beautiful nighttime photos and we practiced some light painting. I hope she doesn't mind if I share a photo or two of hers, because I think they're incredible! It was SUCH an awesome day, and totally worth staying up past Callie's bedtime for these photos.
Wednesday, aka The Best Day of My Life, is a day I will never be able to do justice. Callie looked incredible, the weather - which had been forecasted thunderstorms - turned out to be beautiful, and my family was all there to watch us exchange vows. We held the ceremony under a tree, with a view of the falls. The ceremony was so beautiful, our officiant shared some lovely words, very personal to us, which made the ceremony so special. We exchanged non-traditional vows that we had chosen ourselves, and before that shared our "pre-vows" that we'd written ourselves. They were so beautiful, our words flowed with love and joy, and my cheeks hurt for hours from smiling so much. Everything was so wonderful, so perfect, I didn't even mind the gawkers, and they were the furthest thing from my mind as I kissed my beautiful bride.
Our reception was perfect as well (I know I've overused that word, but it's really the best way to describe it!). We walked across the border to Canada, where my wife (!!) and I had dinner with my mom, dad, sister, and brother-in-law in a revolving dining room 775 feet above the falls. It was an incredible experience, with breathtaking views and delicious food. Everyone there was truly happy for us, celebrating our love and our life together, which made it even more sweet.
Waking up next to my wife in Thursday morning was one of the most surreal experiences, and I can't even count how many times I said "my wife" in a tone of amazement, accompanied by a giggle and a huge smile, or stared down at my rings. It's been two days now, and I really don't know when I'll start calling Callie anything other than some variation of "my wife" or getting over the shock of being married (good shock!). We got to spend Thursday afternoon on the Canadian side of Niagara Falls, enjoying a delicious lunch and walking around the touristy area holding hands, playing games in the arcade, before making the drive back. We were also extremely lucky to have the day together today. I am so grateful for every moment I got to spend with Callie this week.
Our life is not a fairy tale. This is not our "happily ever after." If it was, my beautiful wife would not be on a plane alone right now, headed back to our beautiful babies, while I sit on the sofa watching Survivor with my mom. We still have obstacles ahead of us, though they're getting fewer and fewer as time goes on. Happily ever after is where the story ends. But for us, this is just the beginning of something beautiful. We still have a lot of struggle ahead of us - spending our first few months of marriage apart - but we have such a bright life ahead of us, and I just can't wait to see what the future brings.
Our wedding photos are not ready yet, because Callie still needs to edit them, but I wanted to share a few photos from our incredible "weddingmoon." The picture where we're all lit up with electric smiles (my new profile pic) is an iPhone pic snapped after we became Mrs and Mrs.
I swear...life just doesn't quit. There are times where I get so overwhelmed with life's messed up moments, that I catch myself wishing that I wouldn't wake up the next day. I'd never attempted suicide (again...16 yrs of age was the first and last time) because I learn that it only makes other people's lives that much more difficult, and really...it's just not cool. Of course I'd like to live for as long as possible, but sometimes just not existing sounds much better. Then I think some more and realize that there are some lives that I've changed; for example I've changed many students' lives, and perhaps some adults as well. What would that tell them? So I just pull up my big girl panties and live another day.
In the least, I can be there for someone who really needs me even if I feel that I'm not needed and I'm under appreciated and overworked. A job, failed relationships, and even family and friends can make you feel that way. There was another quote by Robin Williams that goes like this:
"I used to think the worst thing in life was to endup all alone. It's not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people that make you feel alone."
Sometimes I feel that man is walking around in my head and taking into consideration my thoughts. I've had this feeling before when I've felt so horrible and all the people I normally talk to and seek advice for are all unavailable and nowhere to be found. I understand that life is crazy busy and I don't expect people to be at my beck and call; however I wish there was someone outside of my relationship I can talk to because sometimes even he can cause strife. It happens...it's marriage. I actually made this quote about love and relationships. I said:
"Love is not always a lovely breeze while you walk in the park; sooner or later you'll step knee deep in dog shit, and you'll just have to wipe your feet on the grass and keep going."
Yep. I have a knack for writing quotes. I'm also in the process of making my online jewelry shop. I want to sell my earrings, bracelets, anklets, and other cute trinkets. I am going to change my Jewelry shop name too. When I create it, I'll post it up. I'm a self taught jewelry designer and artist. I like reading and creating. You can look at my artwork on deviant art and see all my work. http://chocokoneko.deviantart.com/gallery. You can go and click on Jewelry and see all the pieces I made, and look at my drawings and everything. Yeah I know that they aren't all nice, but I had to start somewhere.
Anyways, there I go babbling like a brook. You all have a great day!
Thanks again for reading about my imperfect life,
Boss lady asked if I was coming to see her today (she worked, I was off) Since I was thinking about it anyway, I asked to meet her for lunch which was at 9am for her. She asked to meet somewhere outside of work so the other coworker didn't get pissy about it so we just met at McD's.
It's nice having a female friend who's not clingy, gets jealous, sends mixed signals or plays games. We pick on each other, laugh, we got each other's back... it's normal & I'm liking it. She's very down to earth & we share the same sense of humor which is great because I can think kinda dirty sometimes
Later, she said she wished lunch could've lasted longer & suggested that when we both have a weekend off the 2 of us hang out with no kids (I have 2, she has 3. Her youngest being 14/15 yrs)
I'm looking forward to that & in some weird way, whenever that one coworker gets jealous... It kinda makes us both giggle
I shared the last couple of days tonight with two friends that we keep regular contact with. I want to blog it as I want to mark somehow these last highly emotionally charged days.
It's been an emotional roller coaster few weeks for me and Lacy. Really life and death situations amongst other family issues that we've had to negotiate, really testing and questioning our relationship. A cancelled weekend too. 9 weeks without seeing each other brought us to this weekend and a date to meet on Monday......
Our need to spend time together is so strong. To feel her in my arms again and hold her close to me. We craved it, just a few hours together would give us that fix that we wanted so much. Lacy's FIL is very close to passing away after months of being nursed at home. We thought he was very close over the weekend. Sunday night came, lacy was very doubtful that she could make Monday. She decided if her husband went to work as planned the next morning, she would get on that train. That would be her sign she said.
We both hardly slept a wink. I looked at my phone through the night praying I wouldn't get a message from her until morning. 5.30 am she texts to say no change and she's coming. If her H is called before she gets her train at 7 she won't come. OMG my stomach was churning. The next two hours I felt on the edge. It flew thankfully with getting kids ready for school etc.
7am. She texts to say she's on the train. Omfg my heart leaped. An hour to get my train. Rushing getting my son ready. My DH dropped me at the station before taking him to school. Before I knew it I was on the train texting her, our excitement building with each mile our trains were bringing us closer and closer.
I got to the station first. Time to get something nice for us to eat at lunch and a nice cold bottle of white wine. I'd booked a room for us to spend this day together. We had been through so much since the last time we had met, I wanted this day to be special.
My nerves were on edge as I waited for her. I watched her coming down the escalator. My heart pumping fast. She looked gorgeous, I could have cried but I didn't. We didn't say anything, she just walked into my open arms. Instantly I felt calm, like an inner peace washing over me. God she felt so good. Time for a very quick coffee, we chatted and laughed. Come on she said drink up, our hotel just opposite.
We had a lovely room, high up with gorgeous views over the sun drenched town. We took a minute or two to appreciate it lol. Hours ahead of us to indulge in each other. Those hours that followed were some of the most mind blowingly passionate of my life, both our emotions had been running so high. She is so beautiful in so many ways.
We stood together later on the platform, my arm around her, holding her close. We both felt so happy and ready to step back into our lives at home with our families but at the same time feeling that close bond we share together. We both felt very blessed.
I sit here before you today in deep thought. Today at work, I shed some tears. Just a few. Not because of something that happened, but because a survivor of the Holocaust really touched my heart with her statement on the first day she was freed. She says:
"When I remembered I cried that night, I cried so hard, but I think that's the last time that I really cried in my lifetime. You'll see me here and there; my eyes will get glassy, but there are no tears. I forgot how to cry. I learned how to live, and to love, and to give love, but not to cry." --Nesse Galperin Godin
When I heard her say that, I just started crying because I was all in a frenzy about getting my phone disconnected, and an assortment of bills that might not be paid on time. Later on today I got upset because the coke exploded in my lunch and the bread that I wanted to eat was soaked and I had to throw it away, and the baked potato and steak got some splashes of coke on it. I angrily cleaned out my lunch (I have to admit), but immediately was reminded that the prisoners in concentration camps had far worse to eat...or didn't eat at all. So, I decided to take that coke flavored steak and potatoe and enjoy it's savory taste! I didn't have money to buy a lunch anyways, and it was just a little coke. They were going to mix anyways. I also needed to drink water anyways.
I decided not for it to ruin my day. Largely these are all small things. I still have my house, my husband, my Lorena (pitbull), and my four parakeets Lola, Atlas, Atreyu, and Markov. So our family will be prosperous. The food we do have will be enjoyed until we can get more. The 11hour relationship I had, eh, I'll find another one that will last 3 times as long later. I hope to find someone that can be 11 month (or longer).
I'm just looking for my lady who is just as quirky, nerdy, and loves learning like I do. I know she's out there. Gosh, I just hate that I know what it is like to be intimate with someone who is just as into you as you are to them. That kind of intimacy is much better than a heartless one. Although it didn't work out the way we (really I ) wanted, there is probably someone better. Jeeze, this reminds me of high school. I dated this guy for a week, and then several years later I met my husband. I just don't want it to be several years to find my girlfriend. I don't know if it is any consolation for me, but at least I know that her sentiments were the same. She really wanted something, but discovered that I couldn't give what she wanted and vice versa. So...even though she did it in a crappy way, we didn't need to be together. She was intellectually and physically sexy to me, just...this one area was the deciding factor that apparently she wouldn't change. Should I get mad? No...because...I can't really judge. I just wished she would have been a little more self controlling and more thoughtful. That's all.
I'm just ramblin and jamblin. I do that from time to time because I seriously sit there and think about all the things that go on. Anyways, you all have a great day.
Stay tuned for another episode of my imperfect life.
Watching whats left of the sunset from inside my room now. It's too cold and windy outside for me tonight
As I was scrolling through FB today I came across a picture of one of my old girlfriends. She looks like she hardly aged, still so beautiful as I remember her. I remember the day I met her through our mutual friend Manny, who was always trying to hook me up with girls (he was good at that). He invited me over to her apartment and we hung out and talked for a bit. Then I don't know what happened, they started making out and asked me to join them. I really didn't want to be with my friend Manny, but what the heck. After awhile he left and told us to have fun. Then weeks would go by and she never wanted me to leave.
This was during our college years and she was an English major, while all I was intersted in were airplanes. Every morning we'd get up early for our coffee and she'd insist I listen to her read the works of one of her new favorite writers while she puffed away on her ciggerettes. She was more in love with these writers then any of the silly boys she dated while we were together. Then we'd go about our day promising to meet latter in the evening. Our evening were filled with wine and more poetry. I'd get up to leave and she'd grab me "don't go", she'd insist, and then another night with her in my arms, and my face buried in her long blond hair.
Now she's married with kids and mostly just writes about them, not at all the girl I knew her as. It makes me wonder how much truth there is on FB, I mean I just can't believe that the life she has now is enough for her. I wonder if she's lonely too. She had so much passion, and how I miss that so..
I start my new job this week. Hopefully do the aircraft checkout tomorrow, then a full day of flying the doctors to their appointments on Friday. One of the doctors ordered this goofy ac unit which looks like a giant shop vac! He's mailing it to me and I have to load ice into it, and maintain it for the doctors! I hope they get a bigger plane with a built in ac instead. Told him it looks like something I could build in my garage for cheaper!
So looking forward to this fresh start. Maybe I'll meet a cute lady doctor along the way...
Today our boss lady returned to work after being out for about a month. I've mentioned in another post that we've become pretty good friends, which my former crush apparently doesn't like. This former crush & I got to worked around the same time this morning, but I took a detour on our way to the office to welcome back boss lady (who had texted me earlier to tell me where I could find her). Once I caught up to former crush in the office I was questioned instantly as to where I was, what took me so long, etc... Boss lady didn't want the others to know she was back yet, so I simply replied, "I took a detour & I walked slow."
Not too long after that, someone called boss lady over the walkie to which my former crush said to me, "That's where you were. (boss lady) is back. Why are you so secretive about her? You don't have to be so secretive. Like the other day when you said you 'ran into her.' Why do you do that?" She was obviously not too happy about it. I told her I didn't have to give her every little detail of anything, It's not like she ever really shared anything about herself with me. Just a bunch of questions about my life & no answers about hers.
A little while later, she asked me how my weekend was. I told her it was great & that it was pretty busy. 2 seconds later, apparently annoyed some more, she tells me, "I had a great weekend too. See, that's another thing. You never ask me how my weekend was. I ask you all the time & you never ask me." Ok. We were close friends at one time & during our conversations she would always tell me that she was boring, had no good stories, didn't do anything, etc... every time I would ask her anything. Eventually, I just stopped asking. I told her that if you say something long enough, it starts to stick. Am I wrong for that? I can see she has a BF, a new tattoo, she's being very social outside of work, etc... has she shared any of that with me? Not at all. But, I'm supposed to share every detail of where I am, who I'm talking to, who I'm with, etc...??? Nope.
She also said nothing to boss lady all day. Not even a hello or a simple smile. Rude much? Makes no sense to me.
Later, I thought about how she went off on me like she did & had to laugh because I really don't remember marrying this chick! Lol!
So I come to you today as a human being. A human being who has been emotionally scarred by many things, and at times I felt embarrassed. I have been in many situations where it seemed so real, so obvious that I'd be a fool not to believe it. That is, I was a fool to believe half of those situations to be true; it's like a slap in the face. However, for some people, we need those slaps in the face to remind us that we have feeling. We can't go around feeling nothing. A wise friend of mine from Shys stated that she has always been told that it is "better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all." Such wise words that I now understand.
Another statement that I learned from my ex boyfriend from the country of Georgia (although we had a very nasty break up) was: "Words said to someone do nothing, you tell more about a person through their actions. It is then that you really know the kind of person they are." So, I have sense then have been leery of believing kind, warm fuzzy things that have been told to me. Sure I thank that person, but I either don't believe that person, or just push it aside. Now once I have seen through that person's actions that he/she means what they say, then of course I'll believe them. Once that trust is betrayed, I don't trust again. No matter how much that person tries to earn the trust, it is lost. It is cold-hearted, but I'd rather not have more drama and tragedy in my life.
So I look at the past month up until last night to be a learning experience. I won't look upon it as a tragedy, but a comedy. One last quote that I'll leave you with is "Walk away from anything or anyone who takes from your joy. Life is too short to put up with fools." My mom posted that on FB, and it was then that I realized that I should just let this go and just get rid of the "fool."
So, what now?
I'm going to finish out the school year with my students; get better as a gamer (nerd alert! proud of it!); exercise at the gym now that my ankle is a little better; become fluent in Portuguese; get an elementary fluency in Russian; work on my jewelry; get better as a sketch artist; and pretty much work on me. If someone sparks interst in me, I won't shoo them away, but that person will have to be notified that the person before them kind of made me aware of the cruelty of humanity. No I won't punish that person, but let that person know that I'm only going to deal with a mature person than someone who is like a child. That's pretty much how I'm summing it up.
I'm back on the market, but I'm a cautious one. I'm a very different person than most people. I'm not the cookie cutter mold type person. I wish people would see that. Some people just don't see that in me and just assume that I'm some regular grain of sand. I just wish some would take the time to get to know me and actually find out what my heart is like. I'm talking about those who are looking for a romantic relationship with me. Goodness I'm not arrogant, but I'm not one to put myself down either.
Anyways, I'm getting on this tangent on what people should do...lol...newsflash! I can't control people! Hehehehehehehe! Oh well. Anywho, I'm also that brave person that will blatantely tell you that I like you, and then leave it up to you to make the next move. I'm a tennis player (racquetball actually), and I like volleying the ball back and forth. It's only fair. I'm a hardcore Libra. I like equality and balance. If my scales tip either way, I freak out. This is what I've learned about myself.
Anyways...I may be verbose, but I just tell you how it is. I tell you exactly what's on my mind, and I gotta stop being ashamed of that. I think sometimes I hide because I fear of being mistaken or misunderstood. Well...if I am misunderstood, then ask for clarification. Don't just assume the worst. Anyways...yeah. I'm rambling. Hehehehehe!
My students are watching a video on the Holocaust (I enjoy learning about this period time; it's a real eye opener and it helps me educate those on hatred based on race), and this is my 2nd time watching this same segment, and I just decided to put this out. I feel strongly about something and I just have to write it out. I'm a writer.
My fiance and I are trying to buy a house. Trying being the key word because the mortgage company is being stupid. We were trying to get a USDA loan, even picking out our house from a pre-approved list. After three weeks of paperwork, almost ready to close, we get a call from the mortgage company saying that the house never did qualify. The house from the PRE-APPROVED list we got from the mortgage and real estate agent. So now we are trying to get an FDA loan, a week from when we were supposed to close.
AND THAT'S BULLSHIT. I WANT MY HOUSE!!
I'm really considering offering a human sacrifice to get this loan approved and over with. The idiot that messed up our loan would suffice right?
I managed to get onto a work-related 3-day conference in an area where two of my good friends live and work. Lucky for me, my job allowed me to piggyback a short vacation in the same area, so I've been hanging out since the conference finished for the past couple days. They're straight, married, have a toddler girl, and another lil one on the way. He's the bestie guy pal, I still think his wife is pretty hot (and she knows I'd been willing to let her try gals out with me in the past), but at the moment, I'm just a good, old friend of the family, which is all good. Free room and boarding at cost by choice? Sure!
So because he's my bestie guy pal, of course he got all the dirt on what's been bugging me in my (lack of a) romantic life for the past year or so after I mentioned my frustration at the fact that there's a bi gal and her husband seeking a bi female in the very near vicinity of where my friend's home is. Talk about rudeness: I'm on vacation to spend time with my friends, don't have a ride because he works at the same office where my job's conference was, I'm staying in their home ... And daydreaming of meeting a gal for a brief, but pleasurable night, possibly involving her husband as well. WTF ... Am I missing a woman's touch so much that my previous desire for commitment has all but disappeared? Or is it because this longing of mine to be back home with my male interest is clouding my mind, now knowing that he planned to hang with me this past weekend. Now that he knows where I am, the invitation is still open to hang out when I get back this coming weekend ...
The more I think back to more recent forays with my lesbro at a club to meet her hoped-for gal, I begin to wonder if that type of "dating" suits me better, considering neither my male nor female interests are committed to me. But both could be ... Separately, and without risk of competing with eachother since both are so caught up with their separate lives. At the moment, NSA actually seems desirable ... Or rather, more feasible than any chance at a committed relationship. As I lay in my friends' guest bed, the picture of this local bi gal lingers in my mind, and I can't help but have wistful longing ... She explicitly said in her online profile that they are seeking a bi gal willing to pleasure both ... Too bad I'm gone in a few days.
So today has been another truly difficult day, not just for me, but those around me...
Some of those I love dearly have all had a horrible day and I have no control over anything ATM it feels.
My date with my girlfriend last month had to be cancelled. We were so disappointed, but in the end it turned out for the best. But all the same, we were both very disappointed.
And so we made some plans for tomorrow, just a day to be together and gather our thoughts and share some of ourselves with each other....
And here we are, tethering on the edge, not knowing if we can meet or not. Not knowing if in 10 short hours I will be on a train heading to see her for a few short precious hours.
A few moments of breathing the same air and feeling her arms around me washing away the stresses and struggles of these recent weeks. A day for us to share some of what this last month has thrown our way. The good, the bad and the ugly bits of life we've hopped, skipped and jumped through...
And so I type this, while laid in an ever cooling bath, and I know she is only a few hours away doing the very same thing. She is laid in her ever cooling bath too, feeling the very same need and emotion I feel...
But we both know, whatever happens tomorrow, what we share is burning deep. We both know that no amount of 'stressful things' can dampen what we have found in each other.
And I was here thinking quite what I've found in her that fills me so much. After all I have so much love around me... My family are all so close. My husband is my soul mate and I know he loved me dearly and I know I'm blessed
She fills me with something rich and deep. I have the ability to share with her the things I can't always share with those around me.
My mum is my mum. I love her as my mum but not as a friend.
My two gorgeous daughters have their own lives to lead and they are my daughters and that's so different from having a close friend.
My friends have become tied up in their busy lives and they don't know the 'real me' at all nowadays.
My work friends are fun but it's work we share in common....
And then there is her... my gf... my friend, the girl who has so beautifully become my lover, and the girl who I feel knows me so well already.
I know there is so much about each other we don't yet know, but all the stresses and struggles, all the fun and laughter we've shared already has me know how much I need her in my life right now.
She has helped me, and understood me and has been the perfect friend at the perfect time for me...
Mid life crisis time? Yep I expect so... but boy has she understood me like no friend I've ever had before.
Today my mum was having her usual 'moan'. Well it wasn't a moan as much as her voicing her opinion about my daughter. Her concern, her worries, her overprotective grandparent thing. I had to bite my tongue a bit... Ugh it was hard.....I hate to complain about my mum. She has such a kind nature...but....
So tonight I lay in my now cool bath, I just know, hand on my heart I desperately need to see Tess tomorrow. I know she will understand every word I have to say. I know she will share with me my joys of my lovely new granddaughter, and my struggles with other things that have been thrown my way. I know I can be the same friend to her as she is to me. I know I understand her needs and her emotions too.
Some things are best shared with a close friend who understands without judging. Tonight I know I need her so, I desperately need to share a bit of me with her...
But sadly tonight I'm tethering on the edge....
Will we meet tomorrow?
I have no idea, for at this very moment in time my dear elderly father in law is perhaps taking his last breaths on this earth before he departs to the next world....maybe he will leave us tonight, but it may just be a bit longer yet...
So tonight I feel the weight of my needs, along side my sadness and the sadness of my lovely husband and his very close family...
It's been a tough old month for little ole me and some of those I love, but maybe, just maybe I will be on that train travelling to see her tomorrow for a few short hours .... Just to fill my heart with some much needed Tess time.
I don't know how to finish this blog. It's most probably a jumble as I'm a bit teary with all the emotion (and this cold bath water) now but let's take a deep breath and be thankful for love, love is after all, all we need xxx
Thanks for reading girls. Xxx
Yesterday I was looking for a cable to hook up my camera to my laptop and after unsuccessfully emptying the cables and electronics box I remembered that my husband also had cables in his desk drawer that he uses more often. So I checked there. The cable didn't fit, but the drawer also contained one of the underwear pants of my husband. With clearly semen on it. It ruined my mood for the rest of the evening.
Now I have no problem with my husband masturbating in general. I do the same. I do the same a lot, even with my husband at home. Usually after he turned me down because of being tired or stressed. That is why I was upset about finding those underpants. My sex drive is higher than his and the stress of work and our sleep schedules not lining up because of his work led to our sex life having a low at the moment. To me, it made no sense that he'd turn me down and then masturbate when I'm asleep.
By now, I talked with him about it. He says he didn't want to wake me up, because I have a long history of sleep disorders and haven't been sleeping through for the past 8 months apart from the one night in which I took sleep medication. I told him that I prefer sex over sleep and he promised to wake me up next time.
I had more time to think about things. Yesterday after the talk (which made him feel incredibly bad) I was just relieved that there was a simple explanation and that he still finds me attractive and is not avoiding sex. Now I think it is actually very sweet that he puts my health over his needs. I also realize a pattern I didn't notice before:
My husband is usually close to midnight home from work. By that time I am usually getting ready to go sleep. In the mornings I'm usually up before him. On Saturdays, I work in the mornings and most Saturday evenings we spend with friends. On Sundays, we either stay home or play DnD/Pathfinder/other roleplaying games with friends. When do we normally have sex? On Sunday mornings/afternoons after waking up, unless there is DnD (because if there is DnD then there is no time for sex). Rarely in the mornings, if I happened to stay in bed and he wakes up before 10 am. Even rarer in the evenings if I stayed up longer and he had time to unwind after work or if HE planned for having sex and came home mentally prepared. When is he usually horny? In the mornings after sleeping in (when we usually don't have time because he needs to go work) and in the middle of the night after winding down. So I'm wondering if our issue is not so much a sex drive incompatibility (we were very compatible in the beginning!), but truly a time management/timing issue. I'm wondering if I am just asking for sex at the *wrong* times ...
Somehow this thought actually is a relief for me. My husband is looking for a new job anyway and he already said he wants to avoid afternoon shifts if possible. He also suggested trying to go sleep with me even though it would mean having no evening after coming from work.
Yet another improvised proposal. Antelope Canyon, Page, AZ. My plan was to walk in front of our tour group and write the proposal in one of the light shafts, however there were way more tour groups than I anticipated and there was no way to get a light shaft to myself. Our tour guide offered to take pictures of couples in one of the light shafts so I seized the opportunity. We stepped forward, I put my arm around AT and leaned in to ask. She said no and the tour guide snapped the photo.
Have you ever looked into your own eyes and felt yourself cry for help? This happened to me today.
My husband wanted to film a sex session between us, just for fun. So he took out his camera phone and turned it on. Like every time, we began and I pretended to get into it and enjoy it. He filmed my face and we joked around a little and filmed the more intimate minutes. I didn't feel weird or excited about him filming us. We've done it before and we delete it immediately afterwards. We watched it a few minutes later and it hit me that what I was seeing is myself pretending to enjoy something I don't feel right doing. I could see myself laughing and knowing inside I was cringing at that moment. It was very awakening to me to be able to look myself in the eyes from the outside and know what I felt behind them.
Last night my Mom called me from England and we spent a good two hours talking.
She doesn´t know I am into girls, not that she'd mind but I've not met anyone that I would bring home to her in the past!
She knew I was feeling torn. She's gone through a lot of shit herself over the years. Numerous break-ups, feeling something missing. Now she's happy again Thank God!
I worry about her which is what makes it difficult to stay so far away. She is really worried about me too.
Anyway, she managed to drag it out of me that I was not ready for kids, not happy in Brazil and I wanted to come home. She said, if he loves you, he'll follow you. And she has a point. If he really loved me, I think it would only be fair to try and come with me, at least try it out for a while.
We aren't on the same page. I can see that clearly now. As much as I thought we were, non of this is what makes me happy.
I never planned to stay in this country forever. With my ex, we knew we'd go back. With my current partner, everything has had to be a choice and a sacrifice. I think I love him and I don't want to hurt him but, like my Mom said, How long can I drag this out being miserable and always feeling torn between two places.
When I go back, I miss him but... life seems to fall back into a routine quite easily.
When I'm here, I miss friends, family, freedom, fun! I know I'm usually in holiday mode so I have to be careful but I honestly am starting to admit to myself that that's where I need to be. With a support network.
God! I've been sat her all morning looking at flights and seeing if I could swing a quick trip back in June!
I had a strange, sexy dream last night about a platonic friend, and even though I know she has a girlfriend and I'm not interested in her in that way, We've always been quite flirty with each other and in the dream, it just kinda felt natural. I couldn't date her though! She's a total tease and quite frankly, I'm up for some single time but It made me think how detached I am from my partner.
I've been in LTR since I was 19!! I can't remember what it feels like to be single and free.
I've been sort of off-and-on with the site lately, not out of lack of interest but because of some shitty health.
I sort of just want some place to just vent my frustration with how truly unhealthy I've become and how helpless I feel about it.
Last August, I turned 25, and two weeks later I felt a twinge of pain in my right side. I didn't think anything of it and forgot it until later that day when it really started to hurt and I mentioned it to my boyfriend. Two days later, I let him take me to the hospital because he was afraid I had appendicitis (which they tested me for). It turned out it was a gall bladder attack and they told me I had fatty liver.
So I was told to lose weight and was given a list of things not to eat to help the sick gall bladder.
Shortly after that I got a bad kidney infection and was put on a liquids only diet for a week, which made me feel a bit better gall bladder wise. After that cleared up, I went to college and continued to watch what I was eating but still lost no weight. Even when I joined the gym at school and went 3x a week, nothing.
I went to my doctor for a check-up and mentioned it and he called for blood work to be done, which ended up landing me a diagnosis of Hypothyroidism. Which explained some weird vague symptoms I had like increased fatigue and inability to tolerate the cold.
I thought that was it, until a week or so into March when I began to experience a lot of abdomenal pain. I went in for an ultrasound and my Doctor called me the next day at 9:05am on his day off to tell me they had found an ovarian cyst on my right ovary and that it was of a concerning size. It was roughly the size of a baseball, so he ordered a more intense ultrasound to be done to get a better view.
When that was done, they discovered that it had doubled in size in a week from the last ultrasound so then I was sent for an MRI. The MRI came back with the diagnosis of a Large complex Dermoid tumor on the right ovary and a second endometrioma cyst on the left. Though even now they're not sure if they are seperate things or if it's one with another section since they can't even see the ovaries.
I just saw the surgeon a couple days ago and they said that the right ovary will have to be removed and possibly the tube with it and that they have to leave the smaller cyst where it is because it's impossible to detach it from the ovary and they want to leave the ovary in there so I don't lose all fertility and also go into Menopause at age 25. Personally, I don't care about having kids or having to take hormone replacements until I'm 50. I just want them out, they've caused so much pain and also interrupted my studies at College. I hate it.
Then, as if to piss me off worse, I'm getting arthritis in my ankles, my right knee, and both my wrists and hands. It makes things more difficult, like even writing this blog I've had to stop and massage my fingers and wrists. It's annoying and I'm not sure why it's happening. In fact, I'm not sure why any of this is happening to me, like did I do something horrible in a past life to deserve this?
I don't know. Anyway, Surgery isn't until some time in June, so now I just have to sit around trying not to think about it and take my pain meds.
Okay, I planned on driving us to the Grand Canyon to take in a sunset, but we got a late start and missed it. Next best thing...stand on the edge of the canyon and ask her to marry me. Maybe the dizzying heights would make her forget she doesn't want to get married again and she will say yes! Maybe the euphoria of the moment will make her believe anything is possible and she will say yes!! Maybe the fear of being blown off the edge will make her cling to me and she will see how useful I am and say yes!!! She said no.
these are the ones i'm hanging with atm, or on my mind . i can't remember more, my brain is dead, literally.
L - we had more than a thing last year. she got me look into my own future, and so i wanted to go abroad, do my own thing, be my own person. grow up. we're still friends and i sleep over at her place sometimes, even though it's not easy. her eyes, her lips kill. we're quite affectionate towards one another, and we still are. it gets better lately since we tried to move on (i guess).
N - whom i met at a rooftop bar on her bday. she came to my tables and asked me to share another table for her folks. i asked my friends if it was alright, and we started being friends. we met various times then at the same bar, and out for some coffee/lunch/dinner/whatever. lol. she's back in the states a few months ago. i plan to visit her at some point. i promised her i'd visit. she's a party animal, a bisexual, carefree, and open minded.
H - i rarely talk about H, but i had a big crush on H. her beauty haunts. the moment she looks at you, the way her eyes surround you, you'll just have that surrender/weak feeling. and you want to be all hers, something like that. we used to party a lot together. her style is much more like Blair in Gossip Girl or Spencer on Pretty Little Liars.
V - an ex of mine, whom i got the longest relationship with. not much to talk about since she has a new bf atm. we barely talk anyway.
J - she's smoking. she's a photographer, also stylist, and makeup artist. *slurps* i wouldn't mind if my naked photos are taken by her. i'm just saying.. she has a very cold exterior, much like mine, that devilish face of her, me likey.
T - she's so yummy. god damn. she needs to stop all her updated pictures on social media before i get a bigger bowl for my drools. we met at a club. she's a marketer. we hung out that night until morning. i gave her my coat because she was in a white lace dress, and she was tremble at 5am. we met again at another club when she changed her workplace. and ever since we won't stop talking. she's a hopeless romantic and a daydreamer.
M - who is my kinda straight girl crush. her curves. mmmm. we studied in the same uni but she was in a rebel group with 6 other beautiful gals. i was just a little crazy nerd and focused on my study more than anything else at the time. when i got the current job for about a week, i feel like she's the perfect fit for this position that my boss wanted. so i called her in. literally she nailed it and we grew closer since. everyone thought we were a couple when she started working. lol. we worked before in the bar that N and i met. even N and i met lately 2014, we worked in 2011. haha.
M always ask what about L, i was like what's about her? ;o unfortunately, whenever she has plans to go out, she would ask if i'm busy that night, i would be like "i'm going out with L later in the night."
M "you have the girl, and you have her bake for you. you're fucking lucky, no kidding". well what do i say about that? i guess i'm lucky..
M keeps joking in the office that she's so bored with boys now, she may just turn les.
i'm like "i'm gonna slap the shit out of you."
M "*laugh* why?"
me "you ask me why? *smirk* why don't you just turn lesbian then, so i can just get you *wink*"
M "you pervert *laugh*"
we had a sleepover, L and i. it was weird and somehow awkward because we were alone this time. she had a whole cheesecake waiting for me and we had our soju with sprite and yogurt milk. it's good i tell you ;]
i decided to show her what i'm writing for my biography, before it'll go straight to the website. she said it's cute, but too much information since i put it there i like to spoil my gf with sexy lingerie. lol. and because i got her panties last time for her bday. she just couldn't stop laughing. ha ha.
we watched "walk of shame" and we had fun laughing at the movie. our arms touch one another the whole night. i just didn't feel like moving my arm, so was she. her eyes are erotic like she's tearing all my clothes off.
at one point we almost kissed. when i take a little break playing on my phone, she lay so close to me seeing what's on my screen. when we sway to each other side, it's like almost, almost a kiss.
she asked when i would be leaving, i was hesitant to tell her because i didn't want her to know. but i told her anyway.
me "beginning of june."
L "noooooo. no way. *surprised face* it should be mid june."
me "why mid june? there isn't any difference."
L "of course there is. if it's mid june, we have a month. if it's the beginning of june, there are just a few weeks."
she had lots of food earlier, she was like "my stomach isn't feeling well, i'm going to the bathroom for a bit. excuse me." she sways to the side grab her most favorite book and give it to me. the book named "remember me?" of sophie kinsella. im gonna have to get the english version once i move. i continued to read the book till she's out of the bathroom. she curled herself under the blanket and lean her head on my shoulder. we read a few pages together, and burst out laughing at some point. it's just mutual.
as it's getting late, about 3am something. she doesn't feel sleepy, but her eyes are sore from all the makeup as she went casting for a role earlier.
so i turn off all the lights and we sort of getting into bed. we talk for another half an hour when i asked about J. L told me J works as a stylist and it drained her out at times. plus there are projects she didn't get paid out. just listening to some of it, i wanted the girl to work for me ;x not because i sympathize for her, but because i want her talent put into use, and she'll get paid for it.
i need a new photographer. we had a big fight in the office, silly miscommunication about the photographer the other day. i need a new one, and even better, a hot one. lol. the one we have is lazy, has a fucking big ego, and doesn't listen. every time we have a meeting about incoming photoshoots, when we have it the next day(s), he never remembers. like dude, i don't have time to brief every time i see you.
so this first gal comes up to mine - J.
i met J in a party of L and her friends. L tried to seduce me that time really bad. at some point i felt like it was a set up, but i didn't give in in most of the set ups (or i believe so. lol).
i was at home at that moment, it was almost midnight. L called me with her super tipsy voice. i asked where she is, so i could get her. she told me to get a cab, because she couldn't leave her vehicle over night. i was like alright, incoming.
when i got to the place, i got to sit next to L as always, opposite is J and J's bf, who used to wanting L all the time. L who is super tipsy, and of course horny, wouldn't stop biting my arm, and shoulder. sigh. but when she does that, she got better, better out of her intoxication.
L knew this stylist friend - B, and B happens to be a close friend with J. literally J and L know one another.
L models sometimes, so J would style, and take L's photos. they worked on a project that i think ever since, they hung with one another more. that's the circle there.
before J's bf got with her, J's bf used to try to get it with L. so J has "this thing" when all 3 of them hang together. mmmm jealousy.
the very first time i met J at that party i mentioned, the atmosphere was fucking weird. and everybody else thought L and i were dating atm, which we kinda are, but kinda not at the same time. it's complicated.
that night i slept at L's place, i told L about the atmosphere, and she explained about J and J's bf. i still don't get why J has a bf like that. i mean she's a 10, and she's so talented. the guy is too nice, that's it. so he gets the girl eventually? hey you know i'm very nice too. where is my gal? lol.
this happened months ago. since then J and i never met again.
so i think of J for the photographer position, i texted L asking for J's number.
L was like "don't tell me you're planning to get with J?". i was like "lol. no. just for work".
because i know previously J has a bf. i even know her bf via another photographer friend of mine. i got the girl number eventually.
i called the next day to talk about how she should be on my team. i told her to come to the office this week. oh my goodness, J voice is like H voice T_T and her cold exterior, and her devilish eyes.. if they could be twins, i think they should be.
today, my team has photoshoots all day, it's freaking tired. fortunately J has to shoot today at our building, so she texted me the day before if i could meet her and discuss about stuffs. i'm like cool, let's do it.
when i talked to the office boss that i'll get her here in case she doesn't know the place. as i walk to the entrance door, and i see the model. surprise! lol. when i open up the door, look the right, it's J the hottie and 2 other girls.
J was shooting for the model's clothing line this whole morning, and i had no fucking idea. my boss and i came down to the office with J. it's more like a talk than an interview. we talked about stuffs. i forgot i'm the only one who drink a little warm water, so i got J warm water. lol. she's like "geez, are you trying to kill me"
;o i'm like "no, i got you cold water, but you're so hot, the water boils" she just smirks. haha.
she has too many things on her plate atm, she said she would think about the offer. i just know she's a perfect fit for my team. even though she's smoking hooot, i probably won't work with her because i'll be moving soon ;[[[[ i kinda just want to bang my head to the wall. sigh.
when the others take selfies, alone or for one another after we done the 2nd concept, as the music playing and i was in the mood, i dirty danced behind M. haha.
everybody was doing something else, nobody noticed. i was just playing with the retoucher since he blew kiss me earlier, i knew he would be watching. haha. we did some dirty gestures for some good laughs. lol. then he burst laughing out loud, and others start looking up laughing at me ;'o shit. lol. M was like "gosh, what you're doing behind my back? stop it". haha. i like playing around her, it's fun.
J talked to the model and figure we're all living in the same block buildings ;OOO coool shit. lol.
you know how i told the model i would visit her, but she has a roommate now, and i felt weird to do so. maybe i'll like her roommate more than her. lol. joking.
i complained her about her skin lately, it doesn't look good for her work, and especially for the digital artist doing all the retouching work. she just nods and tell me if i know what's up. i'm like no more parties for you girly, and she just acts all cute. haha.
she talked about how pathetic she is to be single and all. J would say like yeah yeah, that's why you need some meat. i was gonna say something about it but i wouldn't because it's the first time J and i met again after a long time. lol. but J is super skinny now too, too skinny than the last time i met her. L lost her weight too. i don't know what's up with girls these days and being skinny. i'm skinny and i hate it already..
J lives in the same building with mine, i'm on the 4th floor, she's on the 6th. i know it because we kept texting after that. while the model is on the next block building, but we're close by.
when we parted, i had to go do my shoot, and i came home around 4pm something. we got home early today because we were all dead from the shoots, 3 different concepts. gosh i didn't have enough time to style myself, or change my style, the photographer is shit T_T he's a good person, but his skills are no good. and we can't expect his skills to go from 1 to 9 any time soon. we need a 9-10 points photographer.
J studies interior design, so i know she can shoot our lifestyle section just fine. and i know we'll be having a paper magazine soon in a few months, her creativity will come into good use. she has the same kinda style with my boss. they'll work great. and because she can do makeup, and style, she'll in great help to cut down the boss' stress.
i asked my boss what does she thinks of J after our little talk in the meeting room. she says the girl is ok, literally she doesn't talk/know much about the person so she doesn't know just yet. i have a special skill that i can just know the person via 30 seconds when i meet them. when it comes to the positions, i'm good at these. lol. i should work in HR department soon. lol. because the ones that i recommend to my boss are the ones that can do the work right. like we play hard, but we work harder sort of style.
after work, i texted J that she should think about what we talked earlier today, and call me if any. she said yes with a wink. i actually want to go out this weekend so i could talk her more into it. she told me to come over at her apartment this Sunday. i'm still thinking it over because my schedule is a little bit over the top right now. but entering a beauty's territory, i'm in. hehe.
me "actually, you should work with me, stylist is very hard work."
J "im having a fever"
J "maybe a little crush from the morning *laugh*"
me "lol. have any meds yet?" (i don't know what to reply at one point, so i just ignored about the crushing thing. this girl, sigh, i think i'm liking her ;x)
J "yeah, but it doesn't get any better. i'm laying down"
me "have you eaten? what kind of meds?"
J "just for fever. i'm getting ready to go eat in a bit"
me "you haven't eaten before those meds, it's not good."
J "maybe that's it. that's why i have to lay down. so tired"
me "i'm tired too, haven't eaten yet. urgh."
J "you aren't home?"
me "i'm already home, laying down, spreading legs. actually too lazy to go anywhere to eat *laugh*"
J "*lots of laughs* i'm lazy too. im gonna die if i don't eat anything."
me "we should eat when your friend gets here."
J "maybe a takeaway. what do you want? i'll ask my friend to get for you."
me "i'm afraid i would bother *blush*"
J "*wink* it's okay to bother if you're lazy to go out. i can't think of anything to eat."
me "think of something, i'll pick you up. maybe laying down at one place tired you."
J "i surrender *laugh*. what apartment you're in?"
J "i'm on 606. feel free to pass by anytime."
J "i'm gonna nap a bit. im very exhausted *sad face*"
me ";o ok. sleep well."
me "*send a sleeping sticker*"
i want to, and i have to meet her again, again and again this week. lol.
J eyes are like H, those more-than-just-fierce eyes that i'm weak for. they even have the same kinda hauting beauty, except J's style is much more dark, gothic than H's preppy style. the more elegant they dress, the rebellious personality they are.
do i happen to fall for the same type? sometimes i think i do?
one thing i know they're both talented, H and J. J studied interior design, while H studied graphic design, they both draws beautifully. H models and acts sometimes. J does modeling, styling, and doing photography. i'm all for that artsy kinda thing, or girls with brains *sniff sniff*
i know her passion is photographer, and behind the camera, i wonder why she likes styling now. the work is hard in my country.
i'll figure it out, i'll get to her, i'll snatch her for my team before i leave. so i don't leave a big whole on the team and feel bad about it. lol. at least i know i'll save the photography spot if i got J, so our future photos will be creative, and artistic. we'll have less fights in the team as well.
we'll just have to think about hiring another editor to replace mine, or i may talk to my boss if i could continue my work once i leave. i know it's a hard one to decide, but i love this job, i love my team so badly. i don't get why she hasn't started hiring another editor yet, i told her last month i would be moving soon. i had to ;x perhaps she still wants me to work when i leave?
i feel like i'm having a midlife crisis right now. i have to decide, A or B, black or white, you know. if i want to change my future, to have a better, a bright one, i have to sacrifice something in the now ;/ especially living in a third world, it's not easy. i know i'd still choose to leave if i have a chance. my feeling, my mind, they're all for it. it just feels bad to leave everything behind and start over. dhfldkfdlkfjdkfl. forget about it, atm, i gotta get J first!
We hadn't had a car for 10 months. Our friend, who is also our mechanic, had a car for us, a few months ago. He was selling it to us for a reasonable amount. He buys vehicles, does work on them (if need be) & then resells them. After three months & the car coming up with more issues, we told him, though we'd like to work it out with him, we would need to start looking elsewhere. Then, another car came in, which he didn't need to fix up & we got that one. It was a two door '98 Mustang. The seats didn't go back very far. The doors didn't open fully. The seatbelt (at least for me) was barely able to click. Being somewhat disabled & also a bigger person, I had a difficult time getting in & out. Since my dh doesn't currently drive (due to health issues), I felt even more confined on the driver's side. Even though, I'm only 5'3". Fortunately, a few weeks after that, a 2000 Metro came in. We just had to trade back the Mustang. This one is basic. It's roomier, though. Like the Mustang, it's a placeholder car, until, he has a four door sedan with more options. We're just grateful not to have to rely on others or take taxis anymore.