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  • GypsyButterfly

    A Note Just For You

    By GypsyButterfly

    If I don't phone, text or email you, please know you're still in my mind & heart. Which is why I can't contact you. It would hurt too much. It might lessen in time, but, I don't know if it will ever completely go away. If you reach out to me (which I hope that you will), I may not answer or get back with you. Believe me, I want to, more than anything. I'm keeping all of the messages. Even if they seem to be deleted, I saved them elsewhere. Right now, I don't have my phone on much & I'm not checking my email. The phone would probably be the best place,though, when you want to get a hold of me.

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  1. So many of you that decide to read this blog will understand me and these words. To many, I'm preaching to the choir and a lot of you are going to nod in understanding at what I have to say.


    I'm a married mom with a son and a full-time job. I'm 35 and I don't really want to be married to a guy nor have my son with me taking all my time anymore. I want to live my life on my own terms with a woman and have a relationship with a woman and not a man right now. I feel like I'm missing that opportunity to be a single woman with no baggage and enjoy my life as a bi-woman. I can't talk to my husband about this because I have a feeling he'll fight me tooth and nail to divorce despite the fact that I'd let him have custody. He doesn't understand these feelings and thinks that if I get into a relationship with a female it'll end up as a three-some (smh!). There is also the moral guilt in leaving my son who is highly attached to me (despite him being 2).


    I had this revelation about this relationship change today at work when I was chatting with my co-worker. I work in a health food store (finally found a great job on many levels!!) and I have a lot of attractive, MUCH younger co-workers. We share a lot of the same ideals, we get along well, and I can shamelessly stare at all of my female co-workers and talk about clothes and boobs and etc without them knowing that I am ogling them. Their ages range from 21 to 25. I am not intentionally robbing the cradle, but I don't count myself at 35 either. I almost told one of my co-workers the other day that I'd date her if she wanted. I nearly spilled the beans when we both saw a picture of a physically attractive guy on a magazine I was putting on the shelf. The only part of that conversation which I remember was her saying "I'll take anything I can get at this point." in reference to dating. I really wanted to say it, but I kept my mouth shut. I honestly don't know if she would accept or not and not due to the third wheel thing.


    Gaia help me, I want to make out with a few of them so badly! It's not affecting my work performance, but it is definitely not helping my bedroom at home. I don't want to be with my husband and his poor performance. I'd rather play around with a woman's body and bungle that if I'm going to be hard to please sexually. He also doesn't understand this after 7 years of knowing me in and out. I'm tired of it and trying to tell him the exact ways of how to help get me off. If I have to play drill sergeant all these years, I'd rather just use my shower head and get exactly what I need whenever I feel like it.


    I don't know what he would say if I told him I wanted to find a woman to have a relationship with. He won't get it. He'll ask what's wrong with him. He wants me to try and take something for my libido or talk to someone, but he is rocking the boat on a choppy sea that he doesn't want to know. This suppression has been going on for months since I joined Shy over a year ago. Mostly, my son and all the housework I do (and now the job) keep me too busy to enjoy such fantasies of dating a woman.


    Talking to a professional is not going to land me anywhere good. I'm kind of scared to go primarily for this reason. I'm not worried about ending up homeless because I still want to live in a mobile home with only the things I need and be happy with what I have. He also doesn't understand this either. Being honest with him as I have in the past has led me nowhere and yielded no results. All I have left is my music and my mind to which I escape as often as possible. In my mind, these things and these worlds exist and I can at least find solace in this one place where I am still free to be myself and do whatever I want.


    I always swore that I didn't want to become my mom: a woman who is an OA, NA, AA member. A person who slept with other married men while being a married mom of two kids. A woman who held a grudge over her ex-husband for a long time. A woman who gave away both of her kids to her ex-husband because she was incapable of raising them. A person who finally stands on her own two feet doing everything that she wants and making the most of her days. Now I find that I want to live a solitary life like she does in a place all my own with just my stuff and no one to bother me if I don't want it. My job lets me be around people and have more fun than I ever have...than I ever get to do when I'm at home doing dishes, laundry, picking the house up, and cooking all the time with no help.


    Sometimes it seems like there is no end to this cycle unless I break it and a lot of people in the process. Perhaps it's only a fleeting wish so that I can stitch it to my girl scout vest of life and proclaim it's something else I've done. Maybe I will actually want to be around my family when the sense of loneliness kicks in. I don't know what the future will bring, but I think I'm mostly sticking around for the boy and not myself...another thing my mother tried to do. I haven't slept with my husband in about a month, not in his room for much longer (although you moms with kids who didn't sleep through the night feel me on the need for a dark, quiet room to sleep in with no snoring!). I wouldn't mind trying it out, but that's not fair to the receptive woman who must know that I've a husband and a child who I must attend to. What if she ends up wanting something more which I may not be able to provide? The questions and concerns and hypotheses are endless and none of them help me when I reach such a level of desire to walk out on everything with just the clothes on my back, my phone, and my laptop.

  2. keenlife
    Latest Entry

    A couple of weeks ago, AT and I spent a lovely weekend in London. We saw Tipping the Velvet (if you can make it to Edinburgh by the 14th of Nov. I would suggest he highly!) and Saturday we went to an Elvis exhibit at the O2 arena. We were staying not far from the Tower of London, so on Saturday night I ask AT if we could go take a walk around so I could take some night pics of the city. We walked around the Tower toward the Thames and there it was, my favorite structure in the world, the Tower Bridge. It really is a thing of beauty and at night it is absolutely stunning. I told AT about it being my favorite and that every time I look at it, "On Britannia" plays over and over in my head. We found an empty bench near the bridge and sat down. We chatted and held hands and thanked our lucky stars that we had had perfect weather so far. Then I said I was ready to walk across the bridge. Later, AT would tell me she was expecting a proposal there and then, and I told her I knew she would. HA!


    As we made our way across the bridge, AT told me she had never seen the bridge raised up before. As we reached the first tower alarms sounded and people started running off the middle section of bridge. There was no panic, but rather, excitement. The bridge was going to raise! We found a spot where we could see and waited. Really, it's kind of anti-climactic to see, but the boat that went through blew its horn and all the people on board raised their hands and yelled to us as they passed. After the bridge was set right again we made our way across and down the other side. I didn't want to propose on the side of the bridge we walked wasn't facing the city and there wasn't much to look at.


    So after we looked at things from the right bank, we started making our way back; this time on the other side of the bridge. We bought some peanuts from a vendor in the middle of the bridge which helped to warm us up a little. As we passed the second tower, I stopped and leaned on the railing to look out over the city. AT stopped too and we watched for a minute and then I said, "Now I want you to think very carefully about where we are right now," and I looked over the edge, "will you marry me?" Se said no so then I started to climb over the railing. Not really, I'm still alive. 30 more to go.

  3. Jus4me
    Latest Entry

    I've known for a long time that many things affect the way I feel. One thing in particular is the cleanliness of my house. We all get tired sometimes of cleaning or just tend to get unorganized and things get out of hand. I've known for years that if my house is a mess, mostly my bedroo, then my life feels like a mess or my head is a mess. Many times when this happens, I don't put my finger on it; I ponder for a few before I realize I need to freaking clean!


    Now maybe it's a underlining issue... Maybe it's at that point in time that I actually realized that maybe there something else that I need to buy write a letter or go to the store or do something then on my task list for a while. You know, something I have been putting off and cleaning actually helps me get to it.


    Anyways, so I'm in the process of moving. I packed everything and the house is clean, well everything's gone... I still need to clean a few things but for the most part the house is empty. I do suffer from depression but I thought that getting everything out on the house and checking something else off my list would make me feel a little lighter... Better or happier... But what it has come to is this: this house is empty and I feel empty inside! Omg! Like really!


    This is a huge argument within myself!!


    Like this is a big step in my life! I'm changing jobs, my lifestyle, moving back home (for a little while)! I am suppose to be happy! I'm not sad (yet) or scared! I'm ready to go! I've been waiting on these days for years and now my body has the nerve to feel empty! Like I'm missing or can't live without this crap! Wtf!


    Like is this bipolar?? Seriously. I feel like I'm judging someone else. I really feel like I am too different people, or more. I really need my feelings to get themselves together. Sheesh!

  4. jxw
    Latest Entry

    I spend a lot of time hiding in plain sight, covering up all sorts of insecurities, just as we all do. Some of this is due to my upbringing. It was full of a lot of judgement. But some of my insecurities are quite rational. There are a fair number of people who have proven that they cannot accept certain aspects of me. So here they are. I ....

    * have trichotillomania

    * suffer from chronic depression

    * am prone to dissociation

    * am on edge most of the time

    * have trouble with boundaries so I'm ultra-conservative about them

    * cannot eat many foods because I find them nauseating

    * practically phobic about a bunch more foods

    * can't stand alcohol

    * have social anxiety

    * am bisexual

    * hate wearing makeup

    * feel uncomfortable in "nice" clothes

    * can't tolerate high heels

    * am judgemental of others more than I wish I was


    Of course there's a whole lot more to me. It's just that these are many of the things that make me feel judged. So there you go.

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    I am so tired of hiding who I am. I am tired of not feeling comfortable in my own skin for the sake of others. So as of today, I am owning it! I deserve to be who I am just like everyone else does. I deserve to be happy with who I am. It's unfortunate that its taken me this long to realize that I haven't been true to myself. I have allowed myself to be boxed in by the expectations of others. I have allowed myself to be held back for the sake others comfortability. No one can make me happy if I can't be happy with myself. So I am owning it. I am who I am. Take it or leave it. Love me or don't.


    I am proud of who I am , who I have become through all my struggles. I will no longer hide behind what others want and what others think I should be.


    I am a beautiful soul, a strong independent woman, a lover, a fighter, a nerd, a quirky lady, a sarcastically fluent person. I am crud at times. I am passionate and enthusiastic. I am bisexual. I love men and I love women. I find beauty and appeal in both sexes. I am a little off my rocker. I am a line crosser. I am opinionated. I am giver and a taker. I am all these things and so much more. I am me and I am owning it.

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    Recent Entries

    I always love this time of year. It is the start of a new term, part of the natural rhythm of school and childhood - a genuine fresh start, unlike January. I am starting a Librarianship course, hopefully the first step in a new career among books (my favourite things).


    There is a chill in the air. In the woods today the leaves were falling and the bracken turning golden. Then there is the opportunity to curl up with a book and a cup of tea as the rain lashes down outside.


    I wonder what excitements the new season will bring for us all.

  5. Treesphin
    Latest Entry

    So today my husband and I were at the hospital to see his palliative care NP for new scripts for pain mess, and to get his mediport flushed. He looks like he's lost weight so I wasn't surprised to see he'd lost. However he lost 30 pounds. This is without trying.


    He missed a recent visit with his oncologist. He's stubborn and hates doctors, and since he stopped chemo he been of the opinion of why bother. He is also scared. Esp now. Not knowing is hard.


    I'm not even sure what else to say about it. I feel guilty so much for feeling frustrated and annoyed. I feel guilty when I think of how hard this is on me. Imagining how he must feel now, the way I feel is nothing.

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    I grew up with two brothers. Both of them became computer programmers for universities. One has his entire house wired to do all kinds of things. Me? I didn't get the tech gene. Not even a smidge. I have been wondering why I can't get into the chat room. I figured must be I needed the 200 posts. I finally went and looked at the various requirements again and discovered that yes, I should be able to access chat. However, when I check on the link I get a puzzle piece. Why? Looking further I find that it says I need Java. I thought I had java, in the cup right in front of me, and someplace in my seemingly caffeine needy machine. Let's check on learn more (thank goodness for those little helpful notes). What I learned is that Chrome apparently doesn't do Java anymore. I have no clue how to fix that. Not a one. If it were one of my brothers they would have the fix in less than a minute, but I always have to go the long way around. Ergo....I will see if signing on to Shy's via IE or Firefox will work. If not then I am going to be totally stumped. Needless to say I am hoping that I won't be forever outside the chat room just because my computer skills are so archaic. If it does work then the dinosaur you will see bumbling about saying hi in there will be me. :)

  6. Nunu30
    Latest Entry

    So for the past week I have been feeling amazing. Aside from the whole having to give up my dog issue.

    When I say I feel amazing, I mean for the first time I feel pretty. I don't look in the mirror and loath this person that I see.

    I also don't feel fat.


    Because of these feelings I actually lost a friend on facebook. She said she couldn't take my negativity anymore when I wrote a blog about how great I've been feeling about myself. Only because she was pissed that I mentioned that I didn't feel fat anymore.


    I just don't feel like I am so much full of hate towards myself. I feel hopeful.


    That being said, I haven't told my husband yet but I think I'm ready for our next step in our open marriage. I feel like although there will be an adjustment period, I feel like for the first time that I can actually handle it. I trust my husband. I always have trusted him. But my low self esteem has always gotten in the way of everything.

    I just feel like I'm ready to start living my life. Ready to start having fun. And ready to finally experiment. But before I take that step and telling him this. I need to be fully sure.


    I'm hoping to tell him soon. I know he knows there's been a change in me. I've been handling the stress of everything going on lately much better and he knows that I have been feeling different about myself.

    I'm just nervous about making the wrong decision. Strike that. I'm just nervous about taking the first step forward lol.

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    I just wrote something that made me sad and I don't like ending my days like that, so I'm just going to list some of the most beautiful things I enjoy.


    Fall: it's coming on here and I love the smells, the colors, the crisp air, the harvest and the feeling of a glorious evening in nature's seasons before everything tucks in for winter.


    The way snow glitters in sun. If the sun happens to be out when the snow falls and it hits just right, it looks like glitter falling out of the sky.




    Although I hate to try to drive on ice I have to say that a world covered in ice looks like crystal, and when the sun hits it's simply stunning.




    The lush green of summer.


    Hearing the robins and the red wing blackbirds come back to sing in spring.


    Waking up to the cats curled on the pillow by my head.


    My kids when they hug me.


    My husband when he says I'm beautiful.


    The low nattering of ducks, and watching them bobble about in the water. I love geese too.


    A snowy day when I don't have to go anyplace and I can just cozy in under a quilt with something hot to drink and a good book.


    Meteor showers.




    There a whole lot of other things, but I'm good for now. I hope that if anyone else reads this they find things they love too that will make them smile. Have a lovely night folks, or a beautiful day, depending on your geography.

  7. tomboygal
    Latest Entry

    I can't get her out of my head. I used to make her smile and laugh. It's the first time I made a girl smile and laugh. When I smile sometimes, I think of her smile. She used to scrunch her eyes and blink a lot when she smiled and laughed. I sometimes blink my eyes when I smile to myself just to remember what she used to do.

    I still wonder what it would be like to see her again. I think I have gotten passed my anger. She did lie to me and had she told me the truth, I wouldn't be thinking of her today. I wouldn't be thinking of her ever.

    I wanna stop thinking about her, but her face comes into my memory sometimes without me planning it.

  8. WildZan
    Latest Entry

    I am struggling to control my mouth lately. Maybe it's getting older and caring less what others think, maybe I am more temperamental than I used to be. But, more and more, as I am around people who make certain assumptions about my life based on their observations (and my silence on the matter) I feel words bubbling below the surface that I have to bite my tongue not to utter!


    Example 1: I posted a bisexual struggles article on my FB wall. It took less than 5 minutes for my mother to call and ask if my FB had been hacked. I said, "No, I don't think so, why? "


    "Well, why would you share an article from Pride then?"


    I just told her I found it interesting and changed the subject. But in my head I was screaming, "Because I'm gay, Ma! Got a problem with that?!?!?!?


    I love the woman, but she is a very naive 78, and might actually have a stroke if I ever did come out to her. It's as much the generation she is from as anything, so many things that were her "normal" are completely not ok now, and that will never change. But at the same time I want to shake some modern sense into her!


    Example 2: A discussion started amongst a group of friends. One owns a photography business, primarily wedding photography. She and her husband are worried and upset, because they are completely against gay marriage for religious reasons, and if a gay couple asked them to shoot their wedding, they feel like they would HAVE to do it or risk being sued and losing everything. Ok, I actually don't have a problem with them not wanting to, they have a right to their religious beliefs and freedoms. I honestly think that if a business owner feels they want to refuse service, they are within their rights....of course, their business might also not last very long, but that's their choice.


    At the same time, I am thinking in my mind that I would actually love to tell them I'm gay, just to see if they start back tracking and stumbling over their words....because their views are so narrow minded, what would they actually do if they found out SOMEONE THEY ARE FRIENDS WITH IS GAY?!?!?!?


    Example 3: Our bible study group was talking about the way Jesus reached the lost...He didn't sit in the temple and wait for them to show up, He went to where they were and met them on their terms. It's so different from the way most churches are today, and if we want to be true Christ followers, shouldn't we be following His example? But beating people over the head with what they are doing wrong is ridiculous, and just gives more people a negative view of Christianity. We should just do as Jesus said, Love God and love our neighbor. God can handle the rest, we don't need to. Then one guy pipes up, talking about how he had a gay friend at work, a really cool guy, and because he wasn't being beating over the head with a bible and judged about his sexual orientation, it had helped him view Christians in a better light. The whole group was like, good job, that's how we should treat people, we should welcome them, blah blah blah.


    Not me...oh no. I was seething the whole time. I just wanted to start screaming at them, "Put your money where your mouths are...I'm gay, and I teach your children and live among you! I'm a Christian, and God hasn't convicted me on my bisexuality at all! Believe me, I have had plenty of conversations with God about this before He gave me peace about it!"


    I am starting to feel like maybe He is convicting me on something a lie. A lie of omission, but still a lie nonetheless. And it's going to come to a head at some point. Probably at a very inopportune moment, and my mouth is going to open and I am going to verbally vomit all over someone...


    I should sell tickets.

  9. So it's over. I no longer have a girlfriend. For several reasons not least of which was distance and available time for us to meet. I have no issues with an LDR but I need to be able to meet the other person more than once every 5-6 months, I can't conduct a relationship like that as it just doesn't allow the intimacy and closeness I need and crave with a woman.


    She taught me a lot but in the end it wasn't everything it seemed to be and I've been through enough to know when something is causing me more damage mentally and emotionally than it is doing good. It's hard because now I am back to wondering if there is anyone out there for me, any woman strong enough to be with me, who can understand who I am, who can take the time to get to know me and yet also realise that I want soft and sensual as well as kinky and out there. I want sex with a woman and the close times too, a weekend once a month or once every two months just me and her, doing things together, wrapped in each others arms, that passion and intensity from her as well as from me. Someone who sets my heart, soul, body and mind on fire.


    I'm trying to be the best i can be for whenever she turns up. Am losing weight after gaining again and have already dropped 9.5lbs in the last fortnight and plan on losing a lot more. I have also started just being on dating sites and messaging women I like even if they seem like they would never even look twice at me.


    I feel so damned on edge and wound up, I hate feeling impatient. Just wish things would happen sooner rather than later.

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    I feel like I could take on the world right now!


    As some of you know, when I joined Shy's I was still hiding who I was to a major degree. In fact, I was doing such a good job that my husband had come to the conclusion that it was something of a phase from my past and not still a part of me. We have had several conversations about me being bisexual since I have become more open about my sexuality, and some were not so pleasant. The road has been a rocky one for sure. What started as him being excited turned into him being apprehensive, threatened, and defensive. Now, I am not saying he is a bad person at all. Our minds work in different ways, and that is something we have known since the onset of our relationship; we balance each other out in that respect. I worried for a while that we weren't making any progress because when he heard something that didn't compute for him, he would shut down and say, "I don't see it that way." He was making the relationship feel increasingly one-sided, like we had to follow his moral compass with no room for negotiation.


    It was REALLY frustrating.


    Then something amazing happened. We started talking about how I felt, and as the conversation progressed, I started hearing some of the things I had told him coming out of his mouth. HE WAS STARTING TO UNDERSTAND!! It was an amazing breakthrough. He finally saw that my attraction for women and the need for female companionship was not an inadequacy on his part. He realized that what I needed he simply didn't have, and that was okay. All of the times I felt like he didn't hear me or didn't want to, he really had. It made me feel so very loved and appreciated.


    So now he accepts me and all of who I am. He sees that there may come a time when I need a physical component to a relationship with a woman, and accepts that as well. We have agreed to keep an open and honest line of communication about everything, and to speak up if either person starts to feel uncomfortable or hurt. This is a whole new path for us, but I can't express how much it means to me that he is willing to take these steps with me. Glass box broken. It's a beautiful day.

  10. I wrote this a few days ago...


    Being yourself is not about what others want.

    All they do is sneer and taunt.

    It's about finding who you really are.

    One of a kind, a beautiful star.


    You were made to be unique

    Made by the one and only divine technique.

    It's okay to be different from everyone else.

    So don't be afraid to come out of your shells.


    How you learn and how you grow

    Is your own and is not for show.

    Finding yourself is a process and takes time.

    It doesn't always happen in one's prime.


    It's never too late to be the best version of you.

    It's never too late to show what's true.

    We only have one life and you only have what's left of it.

    So, why not start now to make the best of the rest of it?

  11. It's been a really long time since I've been on Shy, let alone wrote a blog entry. My life from the outside looks the same. I have my husband, my son, I go to work, yadda yadda. Went through some drama with my husband...thats for a different blog, but it put a strain on our relationship. Really everything is different inside me. I'm not even sure where to start.


    As many of you reading this know, my bff and I have a unique relationship...which only became more unique after we slept together in April. It's unique in a beautiful way, and we've grown closer since then, which of course makes me happy. For many years I felt like I "lost" her. Life had swept her away as she dealt with so many of lifes ups and downs, and while we would text and keep in touch, I felt like she wasn't opening up to me anymore about herself and her life. She started to shut down and she was changing into someone I didnt recognize anymore, with only small glimpses of the girl I used to know shining through once in awhile. The light in her soul had gone out for awhile, understandably, she had a tough life and continues to have a tough life. But it made me sad obviously after 11 years of friendship.


    Since our night together she has gradually become more sharing...more verbal about her feelings and her life. Our conversations occassionally became more flirty and after some wine a few nights, even sexually charged (over text). We basically admitted to eachother that we wanted to continue our physical relationship.


    Once we admitted that, a couple conversations went deeper. To the soul level. Words like "soul mate", and talks about our feelings and connection were thrown on the table. We are on the same page in these respects, but we never knew it. We've both fantasized about living together to some capasity. In a commune style situation. Not in an exclusive relationship, but together in some way.


    So then finally our time to see eachother again came. This month actually. A beach trip with my husband and a couple friends. But before the beach, we hung out at my house and had a fun night of drinking. The most important (and fun) part of the night was her and I sitting on my back porch talking...both intoxicated but still aware and in the moment. We started kissing, which turned into making out. I was sitting in a chair and she just climbed ontop of me and straddled me as I grabbed onto her ass and didnt let go. It was an intense whirl of lust and feelings and was crazy. Intense. The first time we'd been physical since our one and only night together. I'd wanted this to happen again for so long.


    We then laughed and ran out to the side of my house and layed on the wet grass and continued our lustful embrace for several more minutes. Before and in the midst of this, she was talking alot. I'm not even sure she remembers what she said, but what she said had my mind spinning. She was telling me how she can't believe we are actually doing this...she never expected this to happen with me, she wishes we could run away together and just live a better life, she "prefers" me over her husband and told him that, and that she's so happy this was happening and always thought I was too "hot" for her (even though she's really beautiful)...and it touched my heart. I wanted to hear these things, but didnt realize I did. Hearing them I think arose feelings in me I was maybe supressing.


    The night after she went to bed kinda early, but I went in the room to give her a hug and chat with her for a bit while our friend was watching tv in the living room, and before I left the room, I kissed her while she was laying down. She smiled and said "delicious" lol. I did for two reasons...because I wanted to, and I wanted to remind her I didn't need alcohol to want to kiss her.


    The next day we went to the beach, had a great time as a group. It was an awesome few days from start to finish.


    But now my mind is confused lol. We already discussed prior to sleeping together that we wanted to remain friends, and what if we got "feelings", in which we figured we wouldnt get feelings... But maybe we did? Maybe I did? I don't know. I don't know if I'm just lustful, or if the feelings are real, or what the feelings I'm having even mean.


    I don't want to have feelings for her. I have no real way of knowing what she feels for me at this point. Maybe we both are seperately trying to figure it out. Maybe because she's my first physical relationship with a girl, I'm feeling attached. I dont know, but I'm trying to be self aware.


    I just know I want her. To what end, I'm not sure.


    She's coming back to my area after a trip and I'm driving her back home...4 hrs away, and will stay a couple days before coming back. After that I don't know when I'll see her again, so I'm just going to take it one day at a time and just enjoy the visit. That's all I can do.


    Man oh man.

  12. balancingact88
    Latest Entry

    I was reading some of my entries about the friends I had feelings for and who just used me. I walked away from her with no notice, no explanation, etc. It was one of the best things I ever did.


    I have not been friends with her for two months now and I look back and wonder what I ever saw or even felt. All the feelings I had are gone. I don't even think of her much anymore which is better. I do wish she would change and realize what she does to people.


    I think I have actually moved on from this little drama I had and am ready to see what the future will bring.

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    That tingling feeling as her hands trace your face, electrifying kisses, entangled bodies as you lay looking into each others eyes, souls connected, unspoken words. Sweet good morning texts, her image engraved in your eyes whether open or closed, holding her in your arms that perfect fit. Breath lost, chest tight wishing you could spend another minute with her. Bodies nsync as we make love, smiles, laughter, cuddling, wishing you would have found her sooner...happy to have found her now. A woman's love..amazing, uplifting, sensual, erotic, yet simple and honest.

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    I am a grieving mother. It almost takes my breath away when I say that. Actually, there are times when it does. I wish I were not one. I wish I still had my sweet boy growing inside me. I wish all I had to worry about was heartburn and nausea. I wish I were still as naively happy as I was merely two and a half months ago.


    At my 18 week check up, the doctor was concerned about my blood pressure, so he wanted my anatomy scan done ASAP. ASAP turned out to be three weeks later. And on April 30, my world was rocked. We learned that my precious baby was a boy, and that he was absolutely perfect. My uterus, however, was not. I was diagnosed with an incompetent cervix. The MFM was not confident I would carry my son much longer. She put me on bed rest immediately and prescribed progesterone to prevent preterm labor.


    On the following Tuesday night, I thought I passed my mucus plug. I immediately called the OB on call, and described what I saw. She did not think it was my plug, but told me what kind of pain to look out for. I was not feeling any of that pain, so I went to sleep, confident things would be okay. The next day, I woke up feeling discomfort in my back. It was not unlike the soreness I had been feeling because I'd been in bed for a week. I also had gas pains. Nothing I did made any difference in the discomfort. If I knew then what I know now, I would have gone straight to the hospital. I had been having contractions all day and didn't even know it.


    My water broke around 8pm. We rushed to the hospital, and the OB told us our only option: we had to induce labor. Because my water had ruptured and I was already dilated, there was nothing they could do for my son. He would not survive outside of my womb. And, since the amniotic sac had completely ruptured, the chance of infection to both of us was high. I did not want my son to suffer any pain. We made the decision to induce labor in the morning if I had not progressed naturally.


    The next morning, I had not progressed, so they first gave me cytotec and then pitocin. At 9:55 on May 7, 2015, our son Joshua Steven was born still. He had passed some time in the early morning. I am thankful he did not suffer any pain and that when he opened his eyes, he was in Heaven. He knew absolutely nothing of this world but unconditional love and happiness. And that is all he will ever know.


    These past two months have been a roller coaster of emotion. I am angry, sad, confused, and everything in between. I miss my son so much it physically hurts. I would give anything to have him here with me. I remember even saying I'd give my soul.


    Tomorrow is my son's two month birthday. How I wish I could be holding him and celebrating with him. Instead, I will be here, grieving my precious Joshua while the angels celebrate with him.

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    I have been enjoying a week off from school and work. As much as I need to get the house clean in prep for the in-laws....well it can just wait. The expectations of a woman vs. a man are pretty evident on days off. When a man has a day off, he has a day off. When a woman has a day off, she still has a full workday worth of cleaning and house management. So... I decided to just say to hell with housework! This is my week off!


    I have spent my days catching up with my Netflix shows, reading comics, giving myself a much needed pedi and constructing props for my next D&D adventure. Of course I haven't neglected all of my work. I have cooked some amazing dinners as well! (Can anyone say bacon wrapped, provolone stuffed chicken with roasted parmesan zucchini, garlic balsamic lamb chops with a spinach Cesar salad, or roast chicken with garlic herb mashed potatoes? It was amazing!)


    I have been watching a lot of fantasy to help me get into the rpg mood. Lately I have been so busy that I haven't had the time to put together a new campaign in quite some time. Then the crafting mood hit me! I now have a tavern/inn, complete with a bar, tables, chairs, torches and three beds. I also made a super fancy king's bed, a closing chest, and a portcullis that will be used on a castle wall or a dungeon yet to be built. I know that I have put more work into it than maybe necessary, but I feel productive!


    As far as story, I have a few things in mind. I have a huge campaign that I have been thinking about for at least a year. However, gamers are strangely hard to find in this town. My husband is the only person I have to game with and I get bored of only running safaris for him. So until we locate a party, I will just be here, preparing for the future.


    If you are a gamer, talk to me! Maybe you can help me with some inspiration!


    And thank you for reading through my ramblings! :)



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    I hope that you all had a good weekend. I was in the country in relax and fishing. I took the computer with me. I am talking to three women at the same time at a dating site. That is new. One specially is very interesting

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    Latest Entry

    So, an update to the fabulous week I had; I woke up on Friday to the best bews ever. Love Wins!!!! my date went well, for the first time ever I had a date show up, give me a beautify single peach rose, open doors for me, take me out to Tribe gay bar, then to Nashville's biggest gay club Play. We had some drinks, danced in a foam pit and a hug and kiss on the cheek at the end. It was so sweet. Then the following morning my bestie and I went to our first Pride. Marched, laughed at protestors and had fun. During the march a young woman was standing with a sign saying she was a Christian, but had been judge mental and was so sorry. I walked up and thanked her for her kindness and gave her a hug. She had tears running down her face. Moments like that are just amazing. THEN after Pride we headed two hours away to Natchez Trace State Park and camped until today, coming home and getting birthday wishes from all my friends. All in all an amazing weekend 😊

  14. As I was hopping on my computer and doing my daily visit to shy's, I realized after a few posts, blogs, and replies that for me Shybi is therapeutic. As I was sitting there typing out a response to someone who is going through some tough emotional questions, I was feeling so fully fulfilled by the fact that I could respond honestly and give this fellow soul the smile she needed for the day. It was then that I thought how lucky I was to find Shy's.


    When I first went looking for a way to meet other gay women for no other reason than flirting, my first desperate step was chatting online. I looked for as many lesbian, or gay chat rooms as I could find, just to try something fun. During one of those searches I found Shy's. I saw that it had a chat room and dove right in. Ironically enough it was a Thursday night and was open to non members, so I hopped on and there was only one person, the moderator, and I never got any conversation off the ground. The next day, I couldn't get into chat so I thought I could sign up and have instant access. When I finally started reading and realized I needed 50 posts to get back into chat, my initial reaction was, ah fuck this site and its rules, but on second thought, I saw it as a challenge, and soon enough I had made my first post. After few days of reading, responding and delving into familiar thoughts and feelings, I realized what I needed was support and had stumbled upon it with completely different motives.


    I was able to let go some very real emotional questions of my own and I was able to help others do so. The site is now my main emotional outlet. I am able to join the laughter here. I can bring about smiles, and absorb the kinship I find with the friends I make. All this has changed my perspectives on the human race as a whole and especially women. My views women for a very long time were very negative. I didn't want to be associated with the weaker sex until I came to respect myself as a woman and see the strength of women around me and especially the women here on Shy's


    I'm going to send this big thank you out the Shy's, the moderators, and all the regular guests for helping me through a tough new part of my life, for easing the pain, and for bringing about joy.

  15. ‘You’re my baby’. This was a bonus time for us together - S had a night out organised with her work colleagues/friends, some very good friends and I’d intimated before that I’d like to meet and see some of her world so it was arranged that I’d travel down just for one night primarily to meet her friends :) We had a tight schedule, we always like to make the most of our time.


    It had been an emotional week. I received the news that a couple, friends we both regard as friends had finished. It hit me hard. Very hard. It shook me hard, it shook me how hard it hit me. I shed tears over them finishing. I thought they had the LDR thing sorted. I thought if they can’t make it who can? It scared me, I was very upset and a bit mixed up for a few days. I needed tender loving. ‘You’re my baby’. I couldn’t stop softly saying that to S.


    Friday’s Plan: S meets me off the train, ‘catching up’ together in our new Premier Inn’ room, eat in Bella Italia, meet her friends for a couple of hours before going back to our room for more ‘us’ time, our beloved pink Scrabble and our little party with wine, music ‘etc’...


    Well travelling down on the train I felt just a tad teary, needed/wanted S to look after me the way she does so well, I felt a bit mixed emotionally, she met me off the train and I felt her warmth, she understands me, what I’d been feeling this week, we got up to our hotel room and there was no need to unpack for one night, on that we’d agreed. A good sized room, it didn’t take me long to get comfortable on the chaise longue style thingy, put my feet up and cracked open the ready salted Pringles, gotta have these! I was feeling a bit tired, emotional, snuggly. Yes snuggly, needing snuggles. S came and got comfortable beside me, we got snuggly and ate Pringles whilst chatting about nothing and everything lol It was lovely, I’d missed her this past 4 weeks and needed her softness, her warmth, her caring, her love, her soft kisses, her cuddles, I held her in my arms for all of it.... But what about our plan?! I decided I wanted to get more comfortable and we moved over to our bed - what followed was the most intimate lovemaking we have ever experienced, like nothing before, extremely intimate like we could never have imagined, I’m lost for words…… :wub::swoon:


    ’She’s my baby’


    We would eat later, we showered and got ready with our music playing, a wee glass of wine and headed down to the bar and met her friends. What a lovely group of people! I felt comfortable with them from the word go :) An hour later I was already invited to their Xmas night out, I could tell S is well respected at work and has some very genuine friends :D Fifteen of us in the group we continued on to a Wetherspoons type pub with very ‘UnWetherspoons’ type prices!! Another hour or so there, good spirits, chat and laughs we went our separate ways, several of S’s friends telling me how happy they are for S to have met me, that I make her so happy, awwww itt made me feel happy for S that she has such good friends/colleagues in her world that know about her/us and have accepted it all :)


    Back at the room S was very shivery, it was a cool evening, she got into bed fully clothed, I followed her to comfort her and to try to warm her up, she fell asleep, we didn’t want to fall asleep but it took over, I woke at 2.30 am, oh bleh I needed to take my make up off and brush my teeth! I came back from the bathroom and couldn’t find my phone. Where is my phone? I can’t find my phone!! Since resetting my phone to factory settings a few months back I haven’t set a pass code – access to so much freaked me out!! I don’t sign out of Shys on my phone, anyone could be writing things on shys as IJM!!!!! Now S was awake and trying to calm me down and thinking logically, we’d go to the pub tomorrow and get my phone, we checked on her sign on when I was last active – 20 minutes ago I freaked even more, I was on the ceiling with anxiety and panic!! S needed to go to the bathroom, she told me to get into bed, I lay down, I felt something under my leg – it was my phone!!! The relief was immense!! I can’t describe it!! I must have unconsciously/sleepily been on my phone, oh I don’t know…….


    We slept. She’s my baby


    We woke. I made us tea. We snuggled. She’s delish. We snuggled. We made love, we made delish love, we made delish sweet dirty love…...omfg she is so fucking good in bed ;) she's going to slap me for that remark lol :P


    We went leisurely shopping, really good fun buying our new purse in Kipling, their most entertaining customers that day apparently :laugh: we went for coffee, we browsed heels S would like for getting married in and then…….we parted :(


    Until the next time babe, my baby, this was like one night in heaven (apart from that ten minutes at 2:30 am bit lol!!) only another 4 weeks until we’re together for 4 nights


    I love you babe, you’re very special to me, I really enjoyed meeting your friends and can’t wait to be with you again xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx



    One Night In Heaven

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    To you, to the gorgeous one that kept smiling so sweetly every time you looked at me, even as I was going away.

    Your smile was so sweet and beautiful. I could have been looking at it the whole evening and it would have been the nicest part of my day. I wish I had. I wish I asked my friend about you when you joined the crowd. I wish I came up to you to say "bye" before I left. Some other words might have joined in.


    To you, to the girl from the café, it's kind of silly, but your nod scared me. If you had just looked and smiled maybe, just maybe it would have been easier for me. But then, on that other occasion, I when I saw your beautiful deep blue eyes looking at me so openly and directly, it was just too much. I crumbled under my own emotions. At least I know your dog approves of me.


    To you, to one who brings me coffee, you are an enigma. I don't know what to think. So I just let it be. I don't want to make things weird and uncomfortable in my little sanctuary where I hide from the world (among people).


    To you, to the one who turned my world upside down, there are so many things I'd like to say. And no chance any time soon just to say them. You came into my life unexpectedly, almost by chance. You made me feel so much, so intensely, I was taken aback. I had to hide from myself. Letting go was just to much. If I had just jumped into the abyss, I don't think there would have been any of me left. Not a bone, not a muscle intact. That's how it felt. So I never commented on the compliments you gave me, even though I noticed the way you said them and how often. I noticed the remarks, the details you noticed about me. I hid my looks from you, my feelings. While the connection I felt was so strong. We are so alike. Even then on another occasion I couldn't allow myself to let you think I felt anything but friendship. And there is so much more... You have no idea...

    So I know I won't see you any time soon. My heart ached a bit when I found out. So I am letting you go. Again. I just hope that mention of you, of some kindness you did or some accomplishment of yours won't stir it all up again. I don't won't to think about you. I don't need to remember the colour of your eyes and that nice remark you made on the train. I don't need to feel your face close to mine like you are again standing next to me. I don't want the idea of your lips touching mine, I don't won't that picture in my head. The absence is painful.

    I know I will see you again one time or another in the future. Our paths will cross. But by then we might be different people with different lives. I surely will be. I already am different than when you saw me last time. You are the reason I came out. You are the one that filled the space of my emotions so fully that I couldn't just keep it all cramped in anymore. I did try, though. I tried hard. But it had to pour out. It had to be brought to the light. Only after exposing my desire for women, my desire for you, only then did I start to regain my balance. Only after my world was shattered, the base of my being changed beyond recognizable, only then could I gain my footing again.

    So you influenced my life so deeply. You helped me look at the truth and to claim it. You enriched my days. So to you, to the one that matters, even from afar, to you I say thank you and good bye.