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  • GypsyButterfly

    A Note Just For You

    By GypsyButterfly

    If I don't phone, text or email you, please know you're still in my mind & heart. Which is why I can't contact you. It would hurt too much. It might lessen in time, but, I don't know if it will ever completely go away. If you reach out to me (which I hope that you will), I may not answer or get back with you. Believe me, I want to, more than anything. I'm keeping all of the messages. Even if they seem to be deleted, I saved them elsewhere. Right now, I don't have my phone on much & I'm not checking my email. The phone would probably be the best place,though, when you want to get a hold of me.
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Survey as Couples Therapy

I just finished a ten day course of surveys about social media use and the way it impacts my intimate relationship(s). The Amazon gift card at the end will be nice, but more than anything I wanted the self-knowledge. One thing I found was that simply writing about my primary relationship made me feel more positive towards my partner. I honestly felt like I could rank every positive quality listed about our relationship at higher than a 5 out of 7. It also made me think about how I'm spending my time, which was the social media part. In fact, I stopped writing this blog post in the middle in response to the statement "on second thought I have enough energy if you do." ;) I'll let you draw your own inferences. Prior to taking this survey I think my response would have been, "Sure honey, but let me finish this post first." Really though my phone will still be there if I ignore it for a while. The same may not be true of another person. I love interacting with new people, online and in person. There are all sorts of new perspectives to consider and new shared interests to find. However, I do need to remember to keep paying attention once the novelty has worn off. There will assuredly still be plenty of things to discover about the people I think I already know. If I care to put the time in I can find parts of the person snoring next to me that are absolutely dazzling. I just need to make it a priority.

ChemFem

ChemFem

 

The one that got away...

Soo around this time for the last few years, i think about how it was after halloween(we went to a halloween dance and afterwards sat around talking with some friends of his, one of which was bi and as they sat talking about different experiences, i realized it sounded like me- about a week later, something clicked and. I knew i wasn't straight) thought i was a lesbian, came out as a lesbian and confessed to my gay bestie about my crush on him that he already freaken knew about...a friend of his told him and i had a feeling he knew, but until i told him, i didn't find that part out. It was after this conversation that i spent a lot of time on the internet and realizing that every thing that had happened, made sense.  I didn't realize until this point that thinking about someone before you go to sleep was the equivalent of a wet dream and that was what happened with my first girl crush...i don't know what it was, but i liked her when i first saw her.. I wanted her all to myself and hated when she wanted to have a friend of hers join us for lunch and to this day i never told her how i felt..i started to and tripped over myself so bad that she told me if i couldn't get it out, it was okay... I had thought about telling her, but it has been so long and i even stopped talking to her because i knew nothing was going to come of it and it has been years since we have really talked...  I spent the night at her house and we shared her bed and even before i went to sleep, i thought about her...and how i would of loved to cuddle with her or something...that was rough...and the next time i was supposed to stay over, someone at her house was sick and it wasn't a good time..i was thrilled because i knew i was attracted to her and it was killing me being around her but not being able to say anything....

Lookingformyself2014

Lookingformyself2014

 

I'm very obvious when i like someone- and didn't even know it!!

Well i guess it should of been obvious when i was in high school and had an extemely obvious crush on my chorus teachers son...he would walk in the room and my face would light up and by my senior year, the class would turn around and look at me and that would also be the case if his mom talked about him...i would talk about him to my friends all the time and even went to visit another class the day he came to visit cause my cousin was in there and told me she was going to tell him...i never did find out what happened after that, though... Then, the crush after him on my gay best friend was when i was told how obvious i was and he already knew...when he was around, before i knew he was gay, we would mirror each others movements and i would catch him staring at me cause i was staring at him and other people thought we were a couple and i guess on one level we were. my first real crush was the one who became super clingy and wanted attention. When i was crushing on him, i would get really nervous when he was around and try not to be caught staring and i got all flustered and then started telling people and im just realizing that its no wonder why i am so obvious... 1.i start smiling a lot 2. I talk about the person constantly 3. I make sure i look good when they are around  4. I don't talk directly to them...cause i only get more flustered... 5.this was kinda hard to analyze this and write it out

Lookingformyself2014

Lookingformyself2014

 

showing more and more of myself...

Well its been a little while and im half asleep and ready for bed cause i have to work in the morning and yet i want to blog before i fall asleep... Lately I have done a few things i normally wouldn't do before and while they may not seem huge, its noticeable to me-  1. Smiling at a girl cashier in the store and having her smile back at me...this happened this morning and im still thinking about it 2. Telling my mom about the girl i was crushing on and how she was married and to a woman and how they have kids...mu mom didn't really respond, but it was huge to me...i left out the part of how i thought she liked me...but knowing myself and how obvious i have been in the past.... 3.realizing that i may be small crushing on the teacher i work with when after i overheard that she was divorced, and someone mentioned her looking for someone, i let my mind wonder to if i would have a chance with her...i try not to think too much about it because we do work together and i need to be on my game while in her class.. I have to wonder if im becoming more comfortable with being myself and also maybe accepting myself as well... On another side, i think that just talking about girls and checking them out, its making it obvious and it may be a subtle outing... .

Lookingformyself2014

Lookingformyself2014

 

Raw Vent 001

Blah.  This probably means nothing.  Maybe it means a lot.  But it's on my mind and I need to release it. I want to just quit so many things.  Just all of my responsibilities.  I'll keep my pets of course.  They're my babies, but everything else: my job, my relationship, my bills.  I just want to run from them (who doesn't for the bills though, lol). Then I want to start them all fresh, with different rules, different standards, different guidelines. Ha! And then...in the middle of writing this, I see this video in my feed... ...okay universe...I see you seeing me...  

NoOne

NoOne

 

Long Live the Agora

I wish the phrase "marketplace of ideas" were interpreted more literally. It seems rare these days to have devoted physical spaces to talk about ideas in a non-directed fashion. I wish we did this more often, freeform discussion without a set informational or social goal. I spent an hour today with a stranger, half of consisting merely of thoughtful silences, and I think it's the most productive thing I've done all day and maybe all week. Massive shifts in my personal worldview have originated from things raised in just such discussions. But from a societal perspective this is a waste of time, as frivolous as if I had spent that hour watching cat videos. It's popular to bemoan the ways in which modern society lacks emotional connection, but I think it also lacks intellectual connection. This is one of the reasons I love ShyBi; it's a place where people are willing to discuss anything and everything.

ChemFem

ChemFem

 

Never again...

*Warning, this blog will contain content that deals with polyamory. If you are not open to polyamory or don't practice it, I don't want to hear from you. Yes, we are free to do whatever we want, but you're not going to help me. Please carry on.* *Second warning: there will be gratuitous use of the f-word. If you do not like the f-word, Then, do not proceed."  I don't think I will never disclose any information about any of my secondary relationships to any of my monogamous friends who aren't open to poly. I have one friend who is open and does not judge me or tell me "why don't you spend more time with your husband" or "be glad you still have your husband." She listens to me, and she understands my feelings! I only have one of her, and I can't just unload on her because she's all I've got!  Back to the statement: "why not just focus on your husband and don't even worry about finding another partner?"  Are you fucking kidding me? When did I ever mention that something was wrong with my husband? Why do people even bring him into the conversation when he isn't part of the problem??? Why do people do that? This is some heteronormative and mono-normative (I know there is a word for it, but I can't think of it right now) type bullshit! Honestly! It is statements like these that push me to the point where I don't have patience when talking to someone who is not familiar with polyamory.  I am upset that every external partner I have attempted to go out with has flaked out on me. My husband has been nothing but supportive! He and I spend a lot of time together! A lot! He and I talk together! Our love life is beautiful. Do I miss him when he is at work? Absolutely, I do! Who wouldn't miss their husband? If I didn't, then there might be a problem; however, there is no problem with our goddamn relationship? Why do people feel like they have to fucking tell me to spend MORE time with my husband?!?! I DO spend time with him! We spend a lot of time together! Every week! Every weekend! Why do people think that I have problems with my primary marriage?! WE ARE ABOUT AS NORMAL AS EVERY OTHER MARRIED COUPLE! For fuck's sake! Why? Why do people assume that there are problems with your primary relationship? The secondary partner isn't an imaginary person! They existed too!  I can't be pissed or sad because I lost my second partner? I'm supposed to be numb about this whole other person not here in my life anymore???? So mono-normative of that!!! Ugh! That second partner meant something to me! I'm not just going to pretend that she didn't exist! That is horrible! That is a disservice to another human being, granted she pissed me off, but I cared about her! I still do and that is what pisses me off even more about it! Ughhhhh! She pisses me off that she gave up before the relationship could even have a chance! I'm so angry at her. She was so good. So good. Damn it! I can't even talk to anyone else about it. She even lived SO CLOSE to me!!!! I'm not going to talk about her to my husband because he will get very protective of me and just say mean things about her, and I don't want to hear that. Lol! This is what I love about him. He defends me to no end. I appreciate him and I love him so much.  *cries on the floor* My phone is in the other room because I do not want to hear the notifications from my friend who thoroughly pissed me off. Just the mere mentioning of them advising me to "spend more time with my husband" and they've never even spent time with me to know that I do spend plenty of time with him makes me want to slap them. My god. I'm done! Fucking done. I'm going to go to bed. I need to go to my corner and think about all the things I've said.  I'm not asking for advice.  I am just venting. That's all.  I'm not looking for anything.  HOWEVER, If you are poly, know a lot about polyamory, and STILL practice, or you have some encouraging words that have kept you strong and active in polyamorous living, I'm not opposed to seeing them.  Later, Bella P.S. My apologies for the cursing, but I'm utterly pissed off because I lost my secondary partner because she just...I can't even get into it because there will be a fucking novel here. 

BellaMynx

BellaMynx

 

Redefining

After reading through my last post again, replying to some other ladies' posts, and just thinking about some things, I figured out another something.  (These things are piecing together rather quickly...)  I don't think it's anything super significant in the grand scheme of my purpose here, but at the same time it might  just be the most significant thing I've figured out. What is it already!? Just a little more backstory... The name NoOne comes from my favorite character in Game of Thrones, Arya Stark, at a point in her life where she is trying to redefine herself.  Maybe that's why I connect with her so much.  Maybe that's why I chose "NoOne" as my name.  Maybe that's where all these feelings have resurfaced from. I'm at a point in life (for the billionth time) where I am redefining myself.  (And it seems I always turn to blogging to figure out that redefinition.) One of the awesome things about this time is that I'm not so alone in this.  Last time I only had my mom to bounce these thoughts off of, and this time I still have her if I need her, but I also have my bf, my best friends, and this amazing community right here.  Each serving a different purpose, and none taking any significant burden. So, yea, someone else has probably figured that out already, that we're probably all here trying to redefine or express this thing, whatever it is, but this is my acknowledgement of it for myself. <3

NoOne

NoOne

 

Figuring Out NoOne pt.1

Sometimes I feel like I’m supposed to just be in tons of noncommittal relationships. Lmao. I just love loving people. I love knowing where their buttons are and exactly how to push them. I have a bf. I know him super well. But I’m not satisfied. Maybe he is too simple? Not as in unintelligent, but not complicated. His way of thinking and all are very simple at least to me. I understand him very well. Like a book I’ve read a million times. And I think I need more.  I know I’m a sapiosexual.  Knew that since middle school lol.  He does not satisfy that in the way that I need it to be satisfied.  He satisfies me physically. He satisfies me with comfort and acceptance and company. But there is something deep in me that is unsatiafied. I learned recently that I love knowing people’s secrets. Not the deep dark ones. But the ones you tell only to the people who you are hoping will exploit them. Things like your most tender spot to be tickled or kissed. Or that you always wanted to go on a roller coaster but have always been afraid. I want to be the person who knows that you like being tickled there and saves that knowledge for a very specific moment. I want to be the person who surprises you with a ride on a roller coaster. I want to be that person, but for several people all in different moments. And I want to have the freedom to slide in and out of doors, but have the value to always stay in hearts. I don’t want to be a heartbreaker or a player. Just a lover of all people. And I can’t have that right now. I don’t know if I’ll ever have that or anything close to it.  But I can pretend, on the Internet. I am no one. And I love you all.

NoOne

NoOne

 

You May Be Right...

Crazy is a pretty loaded term. From a certain point of view, it describes all of us to some extent. With some notable exceptions, most pathologies are merely the logical extreme of a trait that is beneficial in moderation. For instance, depression is thought to have evolved out of a natural instinct to keep to one's self and focus on problem solving during times of hardship. I wish we could find a happy medium in discussing neurodiversity. Especially with autism, I've noticed a tendency to go too far the other way, and treat those of us on the spectrum like we have superpowers. We don't. It's a characteristic that like many others has a range of strengths and weaknesses. Treating us like an alien species is inaccurate, and so is assuming that we operate exactly the same way as everybody else. The truth is somewhere in the middle.

ChemFem

ChemFem

 

Blame it on the Alcohol

I like booze. Not just for how it feels but how it tastes. I am one of the pretentious people that can articulate the difference between a porter and a stout, and what I like and dislike about each. Despite having a fairly high tolerance, I am happy to take the easy out and claim after even one drink that any questionable behavior is due to being under the influence. Even starting this blog is a consequence of good old liquid courage. How could I, in all sobriety, presums that other people would want to hear what I have to say? Easier to claim that demon rum (or in this case whiskey) drove me inevitably to it. It is so much easier to defend a choice when I can claim that it wasn't mine to choose. Not quite sure where I'm going with this. More than anything I want a record, that whatever I say in the morning, what I do tonight is a product of my own autonomy. Whatever chemical processes it undergoes, my brain remains my own.

ChemFem

ChemFem

 

Bathrooms!

Unsurprisingly, this post will contain some degree of TMI. You have been warned. These days, everybody seems to have an opinion, good bad or ugly, about where others should be allowed to use the restroom. Some go so far as to claim that trans women are waging a campaign of sexual harassment against cis women, simply because they have the audacity to posess a bladder that fills like anybody else's. Regardless of who is using the stall or urinal next to you, the overwhelming likelihood is that they are there for the same reason as you: they need to pee. As a member in good standing of the Itty Bitty Bladder Committee, I can't afford to be picky about which restroom I use. Most of the time, I go along to get along and use the women's room. It's a lot easier that way. But it hurts to have to choose between losing my dignity by wetting myself and losing my dignity by espousing a gender presentation I don't agree with. Many people think that conceding the existence of non-binary gender identities is mere political correctness. They believe that people are only male or female, or if they are more open-mind cis or trans. Does this binary obsession sound familiar to anybody? Just as not everyone fits neatly in the boxes of straight or gay, not everyone fits neatly in the boxes of man or woman. It would be nice not to be reminded every time I have to fulfill basic bodily functions that most of the world thinks I don't exist.

ChemFem

ChemFem

 

It's Not a Typo

Despite my current inebriation, the blog title is typed correctly. Mx is a gender-neutral prefix in the same spirit as Ms. Dr refers to the degree I hope to attain. Despite what some may say, PhDs are "real doctors" just as much as MDs. The title overall is a riff on the common phrase "Dr and Mrs" (or sometimes Dr and Mr) to indicate a couple in which only one member is a PhD. With the title explained, let's launch in!

ChemFem

ChemFem

 

The Sound of Silence

... ...the silence echoes off the walls... ...as inside your world falls... ...as it all comes crashing down... ...unable to speak or make a sound... ...your soul just keeps on screaming... ...nightmares plague your dreaming... ...awake you cannot say... ...why you feel this way... ...but you know you are lost because you can't reach out... ...you see salvation yet you drown... ...easier to let the dark drag you under... ...then to let the vultures plunder... ...pick away until there's nothing left... ...cloaked in lies, masked by death... ...bleached bones of broken promises not worth the mention... ...on a sandy lot of good intention... ...is all they ever leave you with... ...even if the sand you sift... ...what treasure left, a cursed gift... ...It robs you of your voice... ...takes away all your choice... ...until the only option remains... ...to look on yourself with less disdain... ...to be reminded of kinder days... ...when people would listen to what you had to say... ...cared enough not just to hear... ...the sound of their own voices... ...doing anything to fill the silence... ...    

mystical1

mystical1

 

She Will Never Know

This is the story of how I discovered Shybi. Two years ago, I became attracted to a local mother whose son attends the same elementary school as my son.  Her name starts with the letter "D", so let's call her "D".  For years prior to that, I'd see D at various school and community functions where we would chitchat about typical things mothers talked about, such as homework, extracurricular activities, etc. -- it was unremarkable.  I've always noticed her understated beauty where her sweet face was never masked by excessive makeup, and her body was naturally cared for by her healthy lifestyle.  However, I am sapiosexual (attracted to intelligence) and somewhat demisexual, so looks alone is not enough to attract me; I needed more.  Then one day at a kid's birthday party, I found out D is a biology professor at the local college and has recently been promoted to the position of Dean.  That immediately peaked my interest in her and got me conversing extensively with her.  I found that D is an exceptionally intelligent woman with passions and values that match mine.  Each conversation with her leaves me swooning and lusting for her.  I soon found myself obsessed with her. I spent each day looking for bi clues and hoping she was secretly attracted to women as I am.  I downloaded the HER app hoping to find her there.  She wasn't.  I scoured the internet searching her name with lgbt related terminologies, to no avail.  Then I came to Shybi, also hoping to find her here.  She wasn't.  I eventually gave up and concluded she is straight. However, in my dashed hopes for a special relationship with D, I remained here at Shybi where I am learning more and more about myself, and it was here where I discovered my identity as a bisexual woman.  From then on I've made further progress:  I admitted my attraction to D to my husband, who was surprised but intrigued to find that she was my type.  I also had serious talks with him about my expectations and my strict limitations if I were to develop feelings for other women in the future.  As an additional benefit, our (already strong) relationship became stronger. Every time I see D, I want thank her for taking me to a place where I can further my journey as a bisexual woman, however I believe I will forever keep my gratitude a secret. Dear beautiful D, in the off-chance you come to this site and read this blog entry, thank you!

Femme Lusting

Femme Lusting

 

I'm out; it helps; but what has changed?

It's been months since my last entry, and I've honestly missed being brutally honest on here. So much has happened, almost all of it a mess. My friend, who I fell hard for, told me to pursue relationships because she saw me as just a friend. Still, she acted weird every single time I started talking to someone, male or female. I tried to maintain, and I accepted that I probably wouldn't be with anyone. I was accepting that I had come out as bisexual, people were generally accepting, and I continued to work hard in therapy. While doing some activities completely alone, I met someone. A beautiful man who wanted nothing more than to make me happy, to show me that I could be vulnerable, that not everything had to be scary, He asked me to just give him a chance, and I said we would get nowhere without complete honesty. With nothing to lose, I told him everything. Everything that hurt, everything I had been through, every reason I could not possibly be a good girlfriend. Most of all, I bit the bullet and told him that I was bisexual.    I had never told a potential partner this, and he had reasonable questions. How many women had I been with? Did I try to be with women? If we have a real future together, am I ever going to regret not being with a woman, because he wants 100% commitment? I answered every question honestly, including assuring him that if I was with ANYONE I would want 100% commitment too. He was looking to settle down, plan for a family, and it felt so natural. We've now been together almost six months, The painful part comes in about three months ago when my friend, my crush, decided that I was not there for her enough. She felt uncomfortable with my relationships elsewhere; she said I was forgetting her and leaving her behind. Instead of talking to her about my pains, I shared everything with my boyfriend. Then, she observed me with a group of friends - having a good time - and said she had lost me. I tried to explain; we argued, screaming and crying, for hours with no resolution. I finally said, "I can't do this anymore. I need you to realize you are wrong on this one. It isn't fair what you're doing." She said I needed to do the exact same thing. I concluded, "I have to let you go." We have not talked since. I had already paid for an expensive vacation which I took on my own, and it was so weird to know that she and I will never talk again. I explained to my boyfriend that ALL of this was complicated; he took the embarrassing details far better than I would've had the roles been reversed.  I hate that I feel like I ruined everything with that friend by admitting the truth; however, I am so lucky. I have met the absolute love of my life. He has shown me so much peace and acceptance that I've fallen so deep in love. It worked out for the best, and I'm glad I'm out. It is just that now I have completely new fears.  This man wants to be married, to have kids, and grow old together. I am terrified to be intimate again, especially since I've only been with one person - a violent, abusive man. I am terrified I will be a terrible wife, terrible mother. But I want this life...I want to be with him. I don't want to be afraid anymore. If I made it through the pain of losing a woman who I was sure would always be in my life, I know I can face these new fears. Wish me luck!  

justonekiss

justonekiss

 

Staring/Watching

Normally, this wouldn't bother me but it does. And the reason why it does has to be with the fact I was being watched/stared at.  Today, one of our VPs jammed a copy machine, and after he was unsuccessful in unjamming it. He left to reprint the documents on another copy machine. Well, while he was gone. I went to the machine and proceeded to unjam it which entailed my following the directions on the screen. Well, when he came back to retrieve the documents he sent to the other copy machine. He just stood at that machine watching me unjam the copy machine. After I unjammed it, I waited a minute to see if the machine will jam again then proceed to walk away, and as I walked away. The machine jammed again (I need to wait longer than a minute next time); so, I went back to it to see where else the paper jammed and proceeded to fix it. He continued to watch/stare at me while I fixed it. The only reason why he stopped watching/staring and walked away was because one of our IT guys walked in to tease me about breaking the copy machine and offer to help me since he heard me unjamming it. Unjamming a copy machine isn't an issue for me. I am more than happy to unjam the bloody machine if I know how. The issue is that I was being watched/stared at while doing it. Typically, if a machine jams at work someone (1) asks someone to help them unjam it,  (2) unjams it themselves or (3) walks away and leaves it to be someone else's problem. There is no staring/watching involved. If a person asks for help to unjam the machine it is a team effort, and if someone happens to walk by you while you are unjamming the machine. They just walk by and make a comment or offer to help you. They do not watch/stare.  This isn't the first time he has watched/stared at me. He has done this before while I was walking to our other VPs office to drop a folder off, and even after I said to him I am not going to his office. He just keep on watching me and chuckled. Another time he stared at me while I was about to leave the kitchen and he was walking by it. One of my boss' scared him because he was so focused on me walking out the kitchen.  So... after writing this. I have come to the conclusion that I just do not being watched/stared at without a rhyme or reason or someone saying something because I become uncomfortable after I realize I am being watched/started at. 

Cylon6

Cylon6

 

Feminine Delights

Gerda Wegener (1886-1940) was a Danish illustrator and painter who is best known for her erotica which often depicted sex between women. When one looks beyond the explicit sexual content one can see a significant body of work that focuses on other aspects of feminine pleasure -  music, dance, fashion, romance, and companionship.  Gerda and her husband Einar Wegener (also an artist) were the subject of a recent motion picture The Danish Girl (2015). Alicia Amanda Vikander, who portrayed Gerda, won the Academy award for Best Supporting Actress.   (The explicit images start near the end of the post.)                                                                                                                                                                                                                                         A self portrait   Gerda with her husband Einar Wegener (later Lili Elbe)    

celeste teal

celeste teal

 

Ugly Duckling Syndrome?

Note: I said I WANT a girlfriend. I can survive without another partner, but I would like to have one.   Honestly, and I know I keep going back and forth with this, but if she wanted a triad, I'd give it a thought. I don't know if I want another triad after being burned by the last woman. She totally went about it the wrong way. Right now, I'd rather have a V-type poly relationship. V dynamics work well. All these men keep talking to me, and I'm like, "ugh...bugger off!" Forgive my language. Anyway, I'm so irritated that women don't see me in a romantic way. Especially ones in my area. It's like I'm the cool person to hang out with, but not a girlfriend. I sound like a single guy who has been friend zoned several times (if the term friend zone bothers you, then you and I have totally different meanings for the word).  My last girlfriend lived in the perfect location. She was only 30 minutes away from me, and she understood my wants and needs, and she wanted to make sure I was happy. Why did we break up? She did not have time for me, and she felt horrible for it. I told her that I would be open if we met later on in life at the right time. So there's that, but I'm not putting all my eggs in one basket either. I am looking online and offline and it just...ugh. Oh well.The story of my life. I end up finding the unavailable ones that want to be in a relationship or they don't know what they want and have never met someone who was sure of what they wanted. That's what I'm famous for. I tell you the truth that I'm looking for a relationship, and that I'm serious. Apparently, seriousness is a turn-off. Well, I don't do bullshit or games. I've tried to play the game, but my ex-girlfriend understood me. She admired my honesty and stated that people aren't used to being told the truth in such a way. They mistaken it as being too much, she took it as being up front. Now I know I'm not crazy. I mean what I say and say what I mean.  Anyway, sitting here feeling not so pretty and listening to "Blue" by A Perfect Circle now. I guess I'll go play a game.  Namaste, ladies, Bella 

BellaMynx

BellaMynx

 

Compliments from a bisexual women are much more profound

In the past week, I had the pleasure of receiving compliments from a bisexual woman, and I was struck by how much more profound those compliments feel compared to the compliments from men or from straight women. When she tells me I am a beautiful person on the inside and on the outside, I feel her words deeply inside me in a beautiful way that I can't find the words to describe.

Femme Lusting

Femme Lusting

 

I think this was a crush and I didn't even know it

Okay, so when I was in high school I idolized my chorus teacher .  She was funny, an awesome listener and I just loved being around her. I could talk to her about anything and I always wanted to be around her. I was one of her favorites always responsible, dependable and not a trouble Maker or disrespectful... I would stop in her room between classes for a hug and she was always open to it... She used to let me hang out in her room and I would eat my lunch in there and listen to orchestra rehearsal. She was  my favorite teacher and there were things I could talk to her about that i couldn't with my mom. I used to throw her birthday parties and I was always bringing her stuff and even the admin called me her sidekick and I was in good standing with them too... When it was time for me to graduate,I hated the idea of it because I didn't want to leave her. Her class was my  haven and I also had a crush on her son. He was a sweet heart and everyone knew how I felt about him- course everyone had a crush on him and both he and his mom knew that. And also his girlfriend who is now his wife and mother of their ,2 children....
!looking back, I think I was crushing on both him and his mom without realizing it this could of been the time I realized I wasn't straight but didn't know what it was. 

Lookingformyself2014

Lookingformyself2014

 

Maybe its a good thing

Maybe its a good thing 
  Maybe its a good thing that I keep certain things to myself. After thinking about it and seeing some comments on my blog, maybe just maybe I don't have to share everything with family. I mean just because you live with them doesn't mean you have to share all the things that are private... Half of the time before when I would bring up something,  my mom wasn't very interested... And if I were to come out to my brother and the other part of the family, it would be up to me and all on me.. Frankly right now I feel that they don't need to know. They don't share every detail of there sex life or whatever with me, so why do i need to?  Since I have started blogging again, i am starting to feel more connected and not so isolated. Now I have the desire to blog and even though  its the spur of the moment, like this one is, I'm doing it. This is another part of what I was missing from my friend. We used to talk about all sorts of stuff from the kinky to the not kinky....

Lookingformyself2014

Lookingformyself2014

 

I no longer identify as bicurious

I posted this in a discussion but feel it belongs in a place of its own here on this blog.  Here's what I wrote a few days ago:   While I believe there are people who are truly bicurious, I have come to realize I am not.   As of yesterday I have stopped identifying as bicurious, and am now certain I am bisexual.  Here's how I came to this revelation: 1.  I used to think inexperience disqualified me as bisexual -- even when I am certain I am attracted to both men and women.  I think this came from the faulty equivalence I made to the common saying, "How are you sure you like/don't like something if you haven't tried it?".  The more I thought about it, the less it made sense.  Inexperienced (virgin) heterosexuals who are certain they are exclusively attracted to the opposite sex don't say, "I'm hetero-CURIOUS because I have never been with ANYONE."   So, I have to ask myself why I should hold myself to a different standard. 2. I bought into the myth that you can only be straight or gay, and that if you are a woman who has only been with men, then you are either a closeted lesbian, or a straight woman angry at or unhappy with their man.  Complete nonsense! I think I have through the years inadvertently incorporated the very nuanced but very pervasive sexual stereotypes into my own identity.  It contradicted everything I know about myself and that is: I am bisexual.  I am most certainly, without a doubt, bisexual. (And happy to be one too!)

Femme Lusting

Femme Lusting

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