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  • GypsyButterfly

    A Note Just For You

    By GypsyButterfly

    If I don't phone, text or email you, please know you're still in my mind & heart. Which is why I can't contact you. It would hurt too much. It might lessen in time, but, I don't know if it will ever completely go away. If you reach out to me (which I hope that you will), I may not answer or get back with you. Believe me, I want to, more than anything. I'm keeping all of the messages. Even if they seem to be deleted, I saved them elsewhere. Right now, I don't have my phone on much & I'm not checking my email. The phone would probably be the best place,though, when you want to get a hold of me.
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    Polyher
    Latest Entry

    I am so tired of hiding who I am. I am tired of not feeling comfortable in my own skin for the sake of others. So as of today, I am owning it! I deserve to be who I am just like everyone else does. I deserve to be happy with who I am. It's unfortunate that its taken me this long to realize that I haven't been true to myself. I have allowed myself to be boxed in by the expectations of others. I have allowed myself to be held back for the sake others comfortability. No one can make me happy if I can't be happy with myself. So I am owning it. I am who I am. Take it or leave it. Love me or don't.

     

    I am proud of who I am , who I have become through all my struggles. I will no longer hide behind what others want and what others think I should be.

     

    I am a beautiful soul, a strong independent woman, a lover, a fighter, a nerd, a quirky lady, a sarcastically fluent person. I am crud at times. I am passionate and enthusiastic. I am bisexual. I love men and I love women. I find beauty and appeal in both sexes. I am a little off my rocker. I am a line crosser. I am opinionated. I am giver and a taker. I am all these things and so much more. I am me and I am owning it.

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    I always love this time of year. It is the start of a new term, part of the natural rhythm of school and childhood - a genuine fresh start, unlike January. I am starting a Librarianship course, hopefully the first step in a new career among books (my favourite things).

     

    There is a chill in the air. In the woods today the leaves were falling and the bracken turning golden. Then there is the opportunity to curl up with a book and a cup of tea as the rain lashes down outside.

     

    I wonder what excitements the new season will bring for us all.

  1. Treesphin
    Latest Entry

    So today my husband and I were at the hospital to see his palliative care NP for new scripts for pain mess, and to get his mediport flushed. He looks like he's lost weight so I wasn't surprised to see he'd lost. However he lost 30 pounds. This is without trying.

     

    He missed a recent visit with his oncologist. He's stubborn and hates doctors, and since he stopped chemo he been of the opinion of why bother. He is also scared. Esp now. Not knowing is hard.

     

    I'm not even sure what else to say about it. I feel guilty so much for feeling frustrated and annoyed. I feel guilty when I think of how hard this is on me. Imagining how he must feel now, the way I feel is nothing.

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    I grew up with two brothers. Both of them became computer programmers for universities. One has his entire house wired to do all kinds of things. Me? I didn't get the tech gene. Not even a smidge. I have been wondering why I can't get into the chat room. I figured must be I needed the 200 posts. I finally went and looked at the various requirements again and discovered that yes, I should be able to access chat. However, when I check on the link I get a puzzle piece. Why? Looking further I find that it says I need Java. I thought I had java, in the cup right in front of me, and someplace in my seemingly caffeine needy machine. Let's check on learn more (thank goodness for those little helpful notes). What I learned is that Chrome apparently doesn't do Java anymore. I have no clue how to fix that. Not a one. If it were one of my brothers they would have the fix in less than a minute, but I always have to go the long way around. Ergo....I will see if signing on to Shy's via IE or Firefox will work. If not then I am going to be totally stumped. Needless to say I am hoping that I won't be forever outside the chat room just because my computer skills are so archaic. If it does work then the dinosaur you will see bumbling about saying hi in there will be me. :)

  2. Nunu30
    Latest Entry

    So for the past week I have been feeling amazing. Aside from the whole having to give up my dog issue.

    When I say I feel amazing, I mean for the first time I feel pretty. I don't look in the mirror and loath this person that I see.

    I also don't feel fat.

     

    Because of these feelings I actually lost a friend on facebook. She said she couldn't take my negativity anymore when I wrote a blog about how great I've been feeling about myself. Only because she was pissed that I mentioned that I didn't feel fat anymore.

     

    I just don't feel like I am so much full of hate towards myself. I feel hopeful.

     

    That being said, I haven't told my husband yet but I think I'm ready for our next step in our open marriage. I feel like although there will be an adjustment period, I feel like for the first time that I can actually handle it. I trust my husband. I always have trusted him. But my low self esteem has always gotten in the way of everything.

    I just feel like I'm ready to start living my life. Ready to start having fun. And ready to finally experiment. But before I take that step and telling him this. I need to be fully sure.

     

    I'm hoping to tell him soon. I know he knows there's been a change in me. I've been handling the stress of everything going on lately much better and he knows that I have been feeling different about myself.

    I'm just nervous about making the wrong decision. Strike that. I'm just nervous about taking the first step forward lol.

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    MerryAutumn
    Latest Entry

    I just wrote something that made me sad and I don't like ending my days like that, so I'm just going to list some of the most beautiful things I enjoy.

     

    Fall: it's coming on here and I love the smells, the colors, the crisp air, the harvest and the feeling of a glorious evening in nature's seasons before everything tucks in for winter.

     

    The way snow glitters in sun. If the sun happens to be out when the snow falls and it hits just right, it looks like glitter falling out of the sky.

     

    Rainbows.

     

    Although I hate to try to drive on ice I have to say that a world covered in ice looks like crystal, and when the sun hits it's simply stunning.

     

    Thunderstorms.

     

    The lush green of summer.

     

    Hearing the robins and the red wing blackbirds come back to sing in spring.

     

    Waking up to the cats curled on the pillow by my head.

     

    My kids when they hug me.

     

    My husband when he says I'm beautiful.

     

    The low nattering of ducks, and watching them bobble about in the water. I love geese too.

     

    A snowy day when I don't have to go anyplace and I can just cozy in under a quilt with something hot to drink and a good book.

     

    Meteor showers.

     

    Waterfalls.

     

    There a whole lot of other things, but I'm good for now. I hope that if anyone else reads this they find things they love too that will make them smile. Have a lovely night folks, or a beautiful day, depending on your geography.

  3. tomboygal
    Latest Entry

    I can't get her out of my head. I used to make her smile and laugh. It's the first time I made a girl smile and laugh. When I smile sometimes, I think of her smile. She used to scrunch her eyes and blink a lot when she smiled and laughed. I sometimes blink my eyes when I smile to myself just to remember what she used to do.

    I still wonder what it would be like to see her again. I think I have gotten passed my anger. She did lie to me and had she told me the truth, I wouldn't be thinking of her today. I wouldn't be thinking of her ever.

    I wanna stop thinking about her, but her face comes into my memory sometimes without me planning it.

  4. WildZan
    Latest Entry

    I am struggling to control my mouth lately. Maybe it's getting older and caring less what others think, maybe I am more temperamental than I used to be. But, more and more, as I am around people who make certain assumptions about my life based on their observations (and my silence on the matter) I feel words bubbling below the surface that I have to bite my tongue not to utter!

     

    Example 1: I posted a bisexual struggles article on my FB wall. It took less than 5 minutes for my mother to call and ask if my FB had been hacked. I said, "No, I don't think so, why? "

     

    "Well, why would you share an article from Pride then?"

     

    I just told her I found it interesting and changed the subject. But in my head I was screaming, "Because I'm gay, Ma! Got a problem with that?!?!?!?

     

    I love the woman, but she is a very naive 78, and might actually have a stroke if I ever did come out to her. It's as much the generation she is from as anything, so many things that were her "normal" are completely not ok now, and that will never change. But at the same time I want to shake some modern sense into her!

     

    Example 2: A discussion started amongst a group of friends. One owns a photography business, primarily wedding photography. She and her husband are worried and upset, because they are completely against gay marriage for religious reasons, and if a gay couple asked them to shoot their wedding, they feel like they would HAVE to do it or risk being sued and losing everything. Ok, I actually don't have a problem with them not wanting to, they have a right to their religious beliefs and freedoms. I honestly think that if a business owner feels they want to refuse service, they are within their rights....of course, their business might also not last very long, but that's their choice.

     

    At the same time, I am thinking in my mind that I would actually love to tell them I'm gay, just to see if they start back tracking and stumbling over their words....because their views are so narrow minded, what would they actually do if they found out SOMEONE THEY ARE FRIENDS WITH IS GAY?!?!?!?

     

    Example 3: Our bible study group was talking about the way Jesus reached the lost...He didn't sit in the temple and wait for them to show up, He went to where they were and met them on their terms. It's so different from the way most churches are today, and if we want to be true Christ followers, shouldn't we be following His example? But beating people over the head with what they are doing wrong is ridiculous, and just gives more people a negative view of Christianity. We should just do as Jesus said, Love God and love our neighbor. God can handle the rest, we don't need to. Then one guy pipes up, talking about how he had a gay friend at work, a really cool guy, and because he wasn't being beating over the head with a bible and judged about his sexual orientation, it had helped him view Christians in a better light. The whole group was like, good job, that's how we should treat people, we should welcome them, blah blah blah.

     

    Not me...oh no. I was seething the whole time. I just wanted to start screaming at them, "Put your money where your mouths are...I'm gay, and I teach your children and live among you! I'm a Christian, and God hasn't convicted me on my bisexuality at all! Believe me, I have had plenty of conversations with God about this before He gave me peace about it!"

     

    I am starting to feel like maybe He is convicting me on something though....living a lie. A lie of omission, but still a lie nonetheless. And it's going to come to a head at some point. Probably at a very inopportune moment, and my mouth is going to open and I am going to verbally vomit all over someone...

     

    I should sell tickets.

  5. So it's over. I no longer have a girlfriend. For several reasons not least of which was distance and available time for us to meet. I have no issues with an LDR but I need to be able to meet the other person more than once every 5-6 months, I can't conduct a relationship like that as it just doesn't allow the intimacy and closeness I need and crave with a woman.

     

    She taught me a lot but in the end it wasn't everything it seemed to be and I've been through enough to know when something is causing me more damage mentally and emotionally than it is doing good. It's hard because now I am back to wondering if there is anyone out there for me, any woman strong enough to be with me, who can understand who I am, who can take the time to get to know me and yet also realise that I want soft and sensual as well as kinky and out there. I want sex with a woman and the close times too, a weekend once a month or once every two months just me and her, doing things together, wrapped in each others arms, that passion and intensity from her as well as from me. Someone who sets my heart, soul, body and mind on fire.

     

    I'm trying to be the best i can be for whenever she turns up. Am losing weight after gaining again and have already dropped 9.5lbs in the last fortnight and plan on losing a lot more. I have also started just being on dating sites and messaging women I like even if they seem like they would never even look twice at me.

     

    I feel so damned on edge and wound up, I hate feeling impatient. Just wish things would happen sooner rather than later.

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    I feel like I could take on the world right now!

     

    As some of you know, when I joined Shy's I was still hiding who I was to a major degree. In fact, I was doing such a good job that my husband had come to the conclusion that it was something of a phase from my past and not still a part of me. We have had several conversations about me being bisexual since I have become more open about my sexuality, and some were not so pleasant. The road has been a rocky one for sure. What started as him being excited turned into him being apprehensive, threatened, and defensive. Now, I am not saying he is a bad person at all. Our minds work in different ways, and that is something we have known since the onset of our relationship; we balance each other out in that respect. I worried for a while that we weren't making any progress because when he heard something that didn't compute for him, he would shut down and say, "I don't see it that way." He was making the relationship feel increasingly one-sided, like we had to follow his moral compass with no room for negotiation.

     

    It was REALLY frustrating.

     

    Then something amazing happened. We started talking about how I felt, and as the conversation progressed, I started hearing some of the things I had told him coming out of his mouth. HE WAS STARTING TO UNDERSTAND!! It was an amazing breakthrough. He finally saw that my attraction for women and the need for female companionship was not an inadequacy on his part. He realized that what I needed he simply didn't have, and that was okay. All of the times I felt like he didn't hear me or didn't want to, he really had. It made me feel so very loved and appreciated.

     

    So now he accepts me and all of who I am. He sees that there may come a time when I need a physical component to a relationship with a woman, and accepts that as well. We have agreed to keep an open and honest line of communication about everything, and to speak up if either person starts to feel uncomfortable or hurt. This is a whole new path for us, but I can't express how much it means to me that he is willing to take these steps with me. Glass box broken. It's a beautiful day.

  6. I wrote this a few days ago...

     

    Being yourself is not about what others want.

    All they do is sneer and taunt.

    It's about finding who you really are.

    One of a kind, a beautiful star.

     

    You were made to be unique

    Made by the one and only divine technique.

    It's okay to be different from everyone else.

    So don't be afraid to come out of your shells.

     

    How you learn and how you grow

    Is your own and is not for show.

    Finding yourself is a process and takes time.

    It doesn't always happen in one's prime.

     

    It's never too late to be the best version of you.

    It's never too late to show what's true.

    We only have one life and you only have what's left of it.

    So, why not start now to make the best of the rest of it?

  7. It's been a really long time since I've been on Shy, let alone wrote a blog entry. My life from the outside looks the same. I have my husband, my son, I go to work, yadda yadda. Went through some drama with my husband...thats for a different blog, but it put a strain on our relationship. Really everything is different inside me. I'm not even sure where to start.

     

    As many of you reading this know, my bff and I have a unique relationship...which only became more unique after we slept together in April. It's unique in a beautiful way, and we've grown closer since then, which of course makes me happy. For many years I felt like I "lost" her. Life had swept her away as she dealt with so many of lifes ups and downs, and while we would text and keep in touch, I felt like she wasn't opening up to me anymore about herself and her life. She started to shut down and she was changing into someone I didnt recognize anymore, with only small glimpses of the girl I used to know shining through once in awhile. The light in her soul had gone out for awhile, understandably, she had a tough life and continues to have a tough life. But it made me sad obviously after 11 years of friendship.

     

    Since our night together she has gradually become more sharing...more verbal about her feelings and her life. Our conversations occassionally became more flirty and after some wine a few nights, even sexually charged (over text). We basically admitted to eachother that we wanted to continue our physical relationship.

     

    Once we admitted that, a couple conversations went deeper. To the soul level. Words like "soul mate", and talks about our feelings and connection were thrown on the table. We are on the same page in these respects, but we never knew it. We've both fantasized about living together to some capasity. In a commune style situation. Not in an exclusive relationship, but together in some way.

     

    So then finally our time to see eachother again came. This month actually. A beach trip with my husband and a couple friends. But before the beach, we hung out at my house and had a fun night of drinking. The most important (and fun) part of the night was her and I sitting on my back porch talking...both intoxicated but still aware and in the moment. We started kissing, which turned into making out. I was sitting in a chair and she just climbed ontop of me and straddled me as I grabbed onto her ass and didnt let go. It was an intense whirl of lust and feelings and just...it was crazy. Intense. The first time we'd been physical since our one and only night together. I'd wanted this to happen again for so long.

     

    We then laughed and ran out to the side of my house and layed on the wet grass and continued our lustful embrace for several more minutes. Before and in the midst of this, she was talking alot. I'm not even sure she remembers what she said, but what she said had my mind spinning. She was telling me how she can't believe we are actually doing this...she never expected this to happen with me, she wishes we could run away together and just live a better life, she "prefers" me over her husband and told him that, and that she's so happy this was happening and always thought I was too "hot" for her (even though she's really beautiful)...and it touched my heart. I wanted to hear these things, but didnt realize I did. Hearing them I think arose feelings in me I was maybe supressing.

     

    The night after she went to bed kinda early, but I went in the room to give her a hug and chat with her for a bit while our friend was watching tv in the living room, and before I left the room, I kissed her while she was laying down. She smiled and said "delicious" lol. I did for two reasons...because I wanted to, and I wanted to remind her I didn't need alcohol to want to kiss her.

     

    The next day we went to the beach, had a great time as a group. It was an awesome few days from start to finish.

     

    But now my mind is confused lol. We already discussed prior to sleeping together that we wanted to remain friends, and what if we got "feelings", in which we figured we wouldnt get feelings... But maybe we did? Maybe I did? I don't know. I don't know if I'm just lustful, or if the feelings are real, or what the feelings I'm having even mean.

     

    I don't want to have feelings for her. I have no real way of knowing what she feels for me at this point. Maybe we both are seperately trying to figure it out. Maybe because she's my first physical relationship with a girl, I'm feeling attached. I dont know, but I'm trying to be self aware.

     

    I just know I want her. To what end, I'm not sure.

     

    She's coming back to my area after a trip and I'm driving her back home...4 hrs away, and will stay a couple days before coming back. After that I don't know when I'll see her again, so I'm just going to take it one day at a time and just enjoy the visit. That's all I can do.

     

    Man oh man.

  8. balancingact88
    Latest Entry

    I was reading some of my entries about the friends I had feelings for and who just used me. I walked away from her with no notice, no explanation, etc. It was one of the best things I ever did.

     

    I have not been friends with her for two months now and I look back and wonder what I ever saw or even felt. All the feelings I had are gone. I don't even think of her much anymore which is better. I do wish she would change and realize what she does to people.

     

    I think I have actually moved on from this little drama I had and am ready to see what the future will bring.

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    my-curious-heart
    Latest Entry

    That tingling feeling as her hands trace your face, electrifying kisses, entangled bodies as you lay looking into each others eyes, souls connected, unspoken words. Sweet good morning texts, her image engraved in your eyes whether open or closed, holding her in your arms that perfect fit. Breath lost, chest tight wishing you could spend another minute with her. Bodies nsync as we make love, smiles, laughter, cuddling, wishing you would have found her sooner...happy to have found her now. A woman's love..amazing, uplifting, sensual, erotic, yet simple and honest.

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    I am a grieving mother. It almost takes my breath away when I say that. Actually, there are times when it does. I wish I were not one. I wish I still had my sweet boy growing inside me. I wish all I had to worry about was heartburn and nausea. I wish I were still as naively happy as I was merely two and a half months ago.

     

    At my 18 week check up, the doctor was concerned about my blood pressure, so he wanted my anatomy scan done ASAP. ASAP turned out to be three weeks later. And on April 30, my world was rocked. We learned that my precious baby was a boy, and that he was absolutely perfect. My uterus, however, was not. I was diagnosed with an incompetent cervix. The MFM was not confident I would carry my son much longer. She put me on bed rest immediately and prescribed progesterone to prevent preterm labor.

     

    On the following Tuesday night, I thought I passed my mucus plug. I immediately called the OB on call, and described what I saw. She did not think it was my plug, but told me what kind of pain to look out for. I was not feeling any of that pain, so I went to sleep, confident things would be okay. The next day, I woke up feeling discomfort in my back. It was not unlike the soreness I had been feeling because I'd been in bed for a week. I also had gas pains. Nothing I did made any difference in the discomfort. If I knew then what I know now, I would have gone straight to the hospital. I had been having contractions all day and didn't even know it.

     

    My water broke around 8pm. We rushed to the hospital, and the OB told us our only option: we had to induce labor. Because my water had ruptured and I was already dilated, there was nothing they could do for my son. He would not survive outside of my womb. And, since the amniotic sac had completely ruptured, the chance of infection to both of us was high. I did not want my son to suffer any pain. We made the decision to induce labor in the morning if I had not progressed naturally.

     

    The next morning, I had not progressed, so they first gave me cytotec and then pitocin. At 9:55 on May 7, 2015, our son Joshua Steven was born still. He had passed some time in the early morning. I am thankful he did not suffer any pain and that when he opened his eyes, he was in Heaven. He knew absolutely nothing of this world but unconditional love and happiness. And that is all he will ever know.

     

    These past two months have been a roller coaster of emotion. I am angry, sad, confused, and everything in between. I miss my son so much it physically hurts. I would give anything to have him here with me. I remember even saying I'd give my soul.

     

    Tomorrow is my son's two month birthday. How I wish I could be holding him and celebrating with him. Instead, I will be here, grieving my precious Joshua while the angels celebrate with him.

  9. SHARK WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK BITCHES!!!!!!!!!!! WOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOO

     

    hahaha! fitting considering there's been so many freakin attacks, jesus.

     

    UGGGG video embedding you suck again!

     

    [media][/media]

     

     

    Life has been a biznatch lately and besides me being the last man standing in my department, shits been whoa crazy.

     

    I think I have had a "come to secret jesus" moment. I call it secret cause only I know.

     

    So for the past 2 weeks, I've hosted a very good friend of mine who had a second shoulder surgery. Like I took her to the hospital, brought her back, took care of her like she was a kid. Legit, like she was a kid. I freakin gave her showers and her meds. Now, I don't have any issue with that at all, i'm all too willing to help out a friend in need. She stayed with me and my fiance in our small apartment cause her "home" life is abusive (home being in quotes cause she's currently couch surfing on her mom's couch, who by the way, is an abusive section 8 druggie. yeah, this girl has been through enough shit to make your toes curl). So also, she couldn't take her adarol for her ADHD. Which made caring for her equivalent to caring for two sugar infested 8 year olds.

     

    Which in turn, made me feel frustrated as all hell cause I had enough trouble keeping my life in order, much less someone who was giving me 10 orders at once then wanting me to play video games with her and her nagging me about it. Then I felt like shit cause I was getting frustrated with her, which isn't her fault. Also add to this lovely shit feeling sandwich, were two cherries on top. First one thinking - If this is what is its like to have kids, I'm gonna be a shitty ass bitchy mother and totally fuck everything up.

     

    Secondly, and here is the jesus moment, what if this is what its like to have a poly relationship? Constantly tending to one or the other's needs and playing peace maker (hubs was pretty supportive until he saw her arm out of the sling a few times, then still giving me orders like a maid. After that, he was starting to get pissy. I was a bit too, she should have kept the arm in the sling, but that's neither here nor there). I always thought I'd be the hinge and things of course would have their bumps in a poly relationship. But this was kinda a wake up call. Like, what if i had a poly relationship and the person we want to include is demanding? or touchy? or bipolar? Like I know no one is perfect, everyone has their quirks. This kinda made it more real though, you know? What if I'm not even the hinge? Could I deal with the competition of hubs's attention? Or even in a threesome which me and hubs have agreed to (but I have no balls to hit on chicks yet), could I deal with watching him with another woman? What if it's a woman that I don't get along with? Cause lets face it, I'm a bit of a quirk myself.

     

     

    Which also brings me to another rant.

     

    I've been considering dropping shy's. Like leaving. I don't really participate much and when I do, I seem to rub peeps the wrong way, even if I don't mean to. And the thing is, like i said before, women are more intuitive and thoughtful. Meanwhile, I take NOTHING seriously and no one should take ME seriously. Like hardly ever. ever ever ever. trust me, you'll know when I'm sur-ious. PLUS I've no energy for debates or being told "NO, YOUR WRONG, CLEARLY I'M RIGHT ABOUT MY OPINION". (which also ties into am I really compatible with any female persons even in a friendship manner?)

     

    But so far, I've made a small number of friends, and I have a feeling that my F'd up rants and vids may make at least one of you smile or laugh. so it's kinda worth it in that aspect.

     

    I dunno, we will see.

     

     

     

    BI SRIOUS:

     

    So many pretty girls out omg. Yay oggling!

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    I have been enjoying a week off from school and work. As much as I need to get the house clean in prep for the in-laws....well it can just wait. The expectations of a woman vs. a man are pretty evident on days off. When a man has a day off, he has a day off. When a woman has a day off, she still has a full workday worth of cleaning and house management. So... I decided to just say to hell with housework! This is my week off!

     

    I have spent my days catching up with my Netflix shows, reading comics, giving myself a much needed pedi and constructing props for my next D&D adventure. Of course I haven't neglected all of my work. I have cooked some amazing dinners as well! (Can anyone say bacon wrapped, provolone stuffed chicken with roasted parmesan zucchini, garlic balsamic lamb chops with a spinach Cesar salad, or roast chicken with garlic herb mashed potatoes? It was amazing!)

     

    I have been watching a lot of fantasy to help me get into the rpg mood. Lately I have been so busy that I haven't had the time to put together a new campaign in quite some time. Then the crafting mood hit me! I now have a tavern/inn, complete with a bar, tables, chairs, torches and three beds. I also made a super fancy king's bed, a closing chest, and a portcullis that will be used on a castle wall or a dungeon yet to be built. I know that I have put more work into it than maybe necessary, but I feel productive!

     

    As far as story, I have a few things in mind. I have a huge campaign that I have been thinking about for at least a year. However, gamers are strangely hard to find in this town. My husband is the only person I have to game with and I get bored of only running safaris for him. So until we locate a party, I will just be here, preparing for the future.

     

    If you are a gamer, talk to me! Maybe you can help me with some inspiration!

     

    And thank you for reading through my ramblings! :)

     

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    I hope that you all had a good weekend. I was in the country in relax and fishing. I took the computer with me. I am talking to three women at the same time at a dating site. That is new. One specially is very interesting

  10. seeking-answers
    Latest Entry

    So, an update to the fabulous week I had; I woke up on Friday to the best bews ever. Love Wins!!!! my date went well, for the first time ever I had a date show up, give me a beautify single peach rose, open doors for me, take me out to Tribe gay bar, then to Nashville's biggest gay club Play. We had some drinks, danced in a foam pit and a hug and kiss on the cheek at the end. It was so sweet. Then the following morning my bestie and I went to our first Pride. Marched, laughed at protestors and had fun. During the march a young woman was standing with a sign saying she was a Christian, but had been judge mental and was so sorry. I walked up and thanked her for her kindness and gave her a hug. She had tears running down her face. Moments like that are just amazing. THEN after Pride we headed two hours away to Natchez Trace State Park and camped until today, coming home and getting birthday wishes from all my friends. All in all an amazing weekend 😊

  11. As I was hopping on my computer and doing my daily visit to shy's, I realized after a few posts, blogs, and replies that for me Shybi is therapeutic. As I was sitting there typing out a response to someone who is going through some tough emotional questions, I was feeling so fully fulfilled by the fact that I could respond honestly and give this fellow soul the smile she needed for the day. It was then that I thought how lucky I was to find Shy's.

     

    When I first went looking for a way to meet other gay women for no other reason than flirting, my first desperate step was chatting online. I looked for as many lesbian, or gay chat rooms as I could find, just to try something fun. During one of those searches I found Shy's. I saw that it had a chat room and dove right in. Ironically enough it was a Thursday night and was open to non members, so I hopped on and there was only one person, the moderator, and I never got any conversation off the ground. The next day, I couldn't get into chat so I thought I could sign up and have instant access. When I finally started reading and realized I needed 50 posts to get back into chat, my initial reaction was, ah fuck this site and its rules, but on second thought, I saw it as a challenge, and soon enough I had made my first post. After few days of reading, responding and delving into familiar thoughts and feelings, I realized what I needed was support and had stumbled upon it with completely different motives.

     

    I was able to let go some very real emotional questions of my own and I was able to help others do so. The site is now my main emotional outlet. I am able to join the laughter here. I can bring about smiles, and absorb the kinship I find with the friends I make. All this has changed my perspectives on the human race as a whole and especially women. My views women for a very long time were very negative. I didn't want to be associated with the weaker sex until I came to respect myself as a woman and see the strength of women around me and especially the women here on Shy's

     

    I'm going to send this big thank you out the Shy's, the moderators, and all the regular guests for helping me through a tough new part of my life, for easing the pain, and for bringing about joy.

  12. ‘You’re my baby’. This was a bonus time for us together - S had a night out organised with her work colleagues/friends, some very good friends and I’d intimated before that I’d like to meet and see some of her world so it was arranged that I’d travel down just for one night primarily to meet her friends :) We had a tight schedule, we always like to make the most of our time.

     

    It had been an emotional week. I received the news that a couple, friends we both regard as friends had finished. It hit me hard. Very hard. It shook me hard, it shook me how hard it hit me. I shed tears over them finishing. I thought they had the LDR thing sorted. I thought if they can’t make it who can? It scared me, I was very upset and a bit mixed up for a few days. I needed tender loving. ‘You’re my baby’. I couldn’t stop softly saying that to S.

     

    Friday’s Plan: S meets me off the train, ‘catching up’ together in our new Premier Inn’ room, eat in Bella Italia, meet her friends for a couple of hours before going back to our room for more ‘us’ time, our beloved pink Scrabble and our little party with wine, music ‘etc’...

     

    Well travelling down on the train I felt just a tad teary, needed/wanted S to look after me the way she does so well, I felt a bit mixed emotionally, she met me off the train and I felt her warmth, she understands me, what I’d been feeling this week, we got up to our hotel room and there was no need to unpack for one night, on that we’d agreed. A good sized room, it didn’t take me long to get comfortable on the chaise longue style thingy, put my feet up and cracked open the ready salted Pringles, gotta have these! I was feeling a bit tired, emotional, snuggly. Yes snuggly, needing snuggles. S came and got comfortable beside me, we got snuggly and ate Pringles whilst chatting about nothing and everything lol It was lovely, I’d missed her this past 4 weeks and needed her softness, her warmth, her caring, her love, her soft kisses, her cuddles, I held her in my arms for all of it.... But what about our plan?! I decided I wanted to get more comfortable and we moved over to our bed - what followed was the most intimate lovemaking we have ever experienced, like nothing before, extremely intimate like we could never have imagined, I’m lost for words…… :wub::swoon:

     

    ’She’s my baby’

     

    We would eat later, we showered and got ready with our music playing, a wee glass of wine and headed down to the bar and met her friends. What a lovely group of people! I felt comfortable with them from the word go :) An hour later I was already invited to their Xmas night out, I could tell S is well respected at work and has some very genuine friends :D Fifteen of us in the group we continued on to a Wetherspoons type pub with very ‘UnWetherspoons’ type prices!! Another hour or so there, good spirits, chat and laughs we went our separate ways, several of S’s friends telling me how happy they are for S to have met me, that I make her so happy, awwww itt made me feel happy for S that she has such good friends/colleagues in her world that know about her/us and have accepted it all :)

     

    Back at the room S was very shivery, it was a cool evening, she got into bed fully clothed, I followed her to comfort her and to try to warm her up, she fell asleep, we didn’t want to fall asleep but it took over, I woke at 2.30 am, oh bleh I needed to take my make up off and brush my teeth! I came back from the bathroom and couldn’t find my phone. Where is my phone? I can’t find my phone!! Since resetting my phone to factory settings a few months back I haven’t set a pass code – access to so much freaked me out!! I don’t sign out of Shys on my phone, anyone could be writing things on shys as IJM!!!!! Now S was awake and trying to calm me down and thinking logically, we’d go to the pub tomorrow and get my phone, we checked on her sign on when I was last active – 20 minutes ago I freaked even more, I was on the ceiling with anxiety and panic!! S needed to go to the bathroom, she told me to get into bed, I lay down, I felt something under my leg – it was my phone!!! The relief was immense!! I can’t describe it!! I must have unconsciously/sleepily been on my phone, oh I don’t know…….

     

    We slept. She’s my baby

     

    We woke. I made us tea. We snuggled. She’s delish. We snuggled. We made love, we made delish love, we made delish sweet dirty love…...omfg she is so fucking good in bed ;) she's going to slap me for that remark lol :P

     

    We went leisurely shopping, really good fun buying our new purse in Kipling, their most entertaining customers that day apparently :laugh: we went for coffee, we browsed heels S would like for getting married in and then…….we parted :(

     

    Until the next time babe, my baby, this was like one night in heaven (apart from that ten minutes at 2:30 am bit lol!!) only another 4 weeks until we’re together for 4 nights

     

    I love you babe, you’re very special to me, I really enjoyed meeting your friends and can’t wait to be with you again xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

     

     

    One Night In Heaven

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    findtheway
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    To you, to the gorgeous one that kept smiling so sweetly every time you looked at me, even as I was going away.

    Your smile was so sweet and beautiful. I could have been looking at it the whole evening and it would have been the nicest part of my day. I wish I had. I wish I asked my friend about you when you joined the crowd. I wish I came up to you to say "bye" before I left. Some other words might have joined in.

     

    To you, to the girl from the café, it's kind of silly, but your nod scared me. If you had just looked and smiled maybe, just maybe it would have been easier for me. But then, on that other occasion, I when I saw your beautiful deep blue eyes looking at me so openly and directly, it was just too much. I crumbled under my own emotions. At least I know your dog approves of me.

     

    To you, to one who brings me coffee, you are an enigma. I don't know what to think. So I just let it be. I don't want to make things weird and uncomfortable in my little sanctuary where I hide from the world (among people).

     

    To you, to the one who turned my world upside down, there are so many things I'd like to say. And no chance any time soon just to say them. You came into my life unexpectedly, almost by chance. You made me feel so much, so intensely, I was taken aback. I had to hide from myself. Letting go was just to much. If I had just jumped into the abyss, I don't think there would have been any of me left. Not a bone, not a muscle intact. That's how it felt. So I never commented on the compliments you gave me, even though I noticed the way you said them and how often. I noticed the remarks, the details you noticed about me. I hid my looks from you, my feelings. While the connection I felt was so strong. We are so alike. Even then on another occasion I couldn't allow myself to let you think I felt anything but friendship. And there is so much more... You have no idea...

    So I know I won't see you any time soon. My heart ached a bit when I found out. So I am letting you go. Again. I just hope that mention of you, of some kindness you did or some accomplishment of yours won't stir it all up again. I don't won't to think about you. I don't need to remember the colour of your eyes and that nice remark you made on the train. I don't need to feel your face close to mine like you are again standing next to me. I don't want the idea of your lips touching mine, I don't won't that picture in my head. The absence is painful.

    I know I will see you again one time or another in the future. Our paths will cross. But by then we might be different people with different lives. I surely will be. I already am different than when you saw me last time. You are the reason I came out. You are the one that filled the space of my emotions so fully that I couldn't just keep it all cramped in anymore. I did try, though. I tried hard. But it had to pour out. It had to be brought to the light. Only after exposing my desire for women, my desire for you, only then did I start to regain my balance. Only after my world was shattered, the base of my being changed beyond recognizable, only then could I gain my footing again.

    So you influenced my life so deeply. You helped me look at the truth and to claim it. You enriched my days. So to you, to the one that matters, even from afar, to you I say thank you and good bye.

  13. blog-0376279001433840851.jpg

    blog-0376279001433840851.jpgRight where to start?! This is my second blog, Im going to tell you about another dream I had, I have had a few dreams since the last one but keep ending up forgetting them :P This one is fresh in my mind though, because it was literally ten minutes ago I woke up from it :) Are you ready?

     

    Then I shall begin, my dream:

     

    I was floating in the air, without a body I was just an invisible spirit...I glanced down and saw my younger self with a much older man. I was about ten, and the man seemed to be in his late 30s- early 40s...I was attached to them in a way that meant where ever they would go, I would be forced to follow. I could hear their thoughts, and could see that they were very discreetly flirting with each other. At first, I was shocked, but then I realised this is young Georgia we are talking about- I shouldnt be surprised. As the day went on, I could feel their sexual tension growing and watching them turned me on a great deal. What made it even more exciting was knowing this man is a killer and takes joy in hurting people..

    Fast forward into my dream, I am in Asda on a rollarcoaster pirate ship with my younger self beside me. As a task we had to dance with no trousers on, while others stuffed their face with crap (literally). I was having a happy time, until the skinny popular girls started making fun out of my porkchop legs. Sadly I let this get to me, and I didnt feel able to carry on dancing so I told mini me to carry on without me- and so she did!

     

    It grew dark, and the last task was upon us. We had to find the golden key, and trap a giant troll into the closet. Dan (OH) was there to help, he stayed in the closet as bait to lure the beast closer, while I ran to find the key. I saw it glistening in the light, it was gold and very heavy... as soon as I grabbed it, the giant came up and grabbed me. I screamed and called for Dan, as the giant took me into the closet with him. Dan asked for the key, I passed it and he locked me in- I felt betrayed! The giant started banging against the door, angry boiled inside of him and with every bash of the door he let out a groan.

     

    BANG the door flew open, and he held me over the side of the ship threatening to drop me. I screamed once again, realizing how far up we were in asda. Miliseconds later, he drops me and strangly I land on my feet! I look up infront of me and see David Tennant, and Christopher Eccleston...I freeze and stare, and as they ask me if I am okay I just giggle insanely and force them into a group hug.

     

    The end! :)

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    Ive never written a blog before but i really need somewhere to get things off my chest and try to clear my head. Im sorry if im rambling and not making much sense :(

     

    A few days ago i found out my husband is having an affair with a friend/work collegue of ours. I am in the last stages of my pregnancy and im worried how my feelings are going to affect the baby :(

     

    I dont know if im more hurt by my husband or her as she is a close mutual friend. i just feel so betrayed.

    I knew that she and my hubby were good friends and that they talk alot (in person and messaging) but i never thought there would be more to it. Ive never been jelouse of their friendship as she's "girly girl" and always seemed "one of the lads" she's bisexual and has been flirty with me (i did have a little crush once upon a time) in the past me and hubby have spoke about her and he said she "doesnt do it for him"

     

     

    Friday i went to bed before my husband while i was waiting for him i went on facebook for something to do. He had left himself logged in chat open and i saw their conversation. What i saw hurt me more than i ever could imagine. they were sending naked pics and saying what they want to do to each other and he told her he needed to feel her breasts in his mouth again. I lay there froze unable to move my heart was beating so fast i thought it was going to jump out of my chest. I sobbed and didnt know what to do. when he came to bed and i wouldnt cuddle up to him he blamed my hormones! I couldnt speak for tears and ended up crying myself to sleep. We had a family day planned saturday and i didnt want to ruin it so i said nothing. I still havent confronted him.

     

    Ive been bottling all this up and dont know what to do. I dont have many friends and no family to talk to. I just keep breaking down thinking of them together.

     

    When i scrolled through his messages i discovered they have been planning a baby shower for me - wtf??? How can they do this to me?? how can she pretend to be my friend and do this behind my back :(

    and as for him ive never given him a reason to cheat, we have had threesomes in the past and have flirted with women together - why has he gone behind my back???

     

    I dont want to ruin my family but really dont know how to handle this situation. I dont think i can carry on pretending i dont know. Whats worse i have to face her at work today. Im just hurting so bad and really dont know what to do.

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    The first time I heard 'dissociative amnesia' term neither I had any idea what the hell is that nor anybody explained it to me.

    It was just written at my group theraphy discharge card. I was 25 when all of a sudden flashbacks of memories started to come back to me out of the blue...I never knew when it could happen again, it could happen any time any place...during theraphy, at home, in the park, at the disco, at the stairway of my block of flats...it froze me for minutes or hours...flashes of hazy pictures on my mind making no sense to me, each time more, each time giving little clue, each time the pictures getting clearer and clearer...it took a year or so to bring back one full sceene of my life...but I have no certainity that it's all there is to remember...I can't trust my own mind, my memories, all what I remembered falls apart and goes into questioning...was it really like that, maybe I forgot some details, something before or after that?

    When I thought am slowly getting along with this, i started to have these immensly realistic dreams, dreams of things which could have happened but I have no recollection of them...or do I now? are those just dreams or are those another memories coming back?

    So how to live when you cannot trust your memory, your own mind plays tricks on you?

    I write down every thing important in my diary, to remember about meetings, appointments, birthdays, events, when I met who and when

    I went where...just in case I forget...I try to focus on presence and future...but sometimes it's hard not to dwell on the past when you wonder...is there more to iwhy I am who I am right now...I just don't remember...or do I?