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Our Slumber Day...

The train ride home was beautiful. I was sat looking out of the train window onto the most beautiful deep orange sky as the sun slowly slipped down lower, down behind the trees . It was the end to a most beautiful day. The very last day of October 2016.

 

It felt like summer today, warm and balmy, it was still feeling just like summer. It was almost too nice to have stayed indoors all day, but indoors we stayed....and there was nowhere else we'd rather have been.

 

To share a bed picnic and a plastic cup or two of fizz was just perfect on so many levels ....Checking into that 'day' room today with our bag full of edible treats was more exciting than tea at the Ritz somehow..... opening that door to our room on the twelfth floor had us just bursting for every moment that was about to stretch out before us.....

 

It had been so long since we'd been here in this Ibis hotel, it had been so long as we haven't really needed it recently. I've had my own place, somewhere for us to be together, or I've been able to come to you Tess. So we haven't really needed that day room recently, such is the way our lives have been lived.

But our LDR is not always easy, the longing and the missing of each other is, on occasions fraught with emotion and frustration ..... but omg it is also the most beautiful thing ever and I think we both know that one day we will look back upon this time we are sharing and smile as to how well we have coped. We will smile at how we both, in turn, held each other up when one was low or how we both soared at every single moment we were gratefully able to spend together.... And our day room in Reading with a bed picnic fit for a queen was just the perfect tonic for today.... omg and how perfect was it baby?....

 

...........

 

So Tess to feel you wrap your arms around me like you do, to feel our legs entwine and to feel the soft pillowy cushions of our breasts as we press our naked bodies into each other feels just like heaven. And then to spend the day wrapped in each other's arms after sharing the most perfect lovemaking is all it takes to have us both drift off into deepest, dreamiest sleep ever.

 

(Sometimes we don't realise just how tired we are. Sometimes we function on the outside like we are on autopilot when really on the inside our body needs and craves a day to lose ourselves in each other and into a day of slumber. Today was one of those days, today we both really needed those hours just to wrap ourselves into each other and melt away into the land of our shared love).

 

I think we should call it 'Our Slumber Day'.

 

And today, after our lovemaking we slept in each other's arms, a much needed daytime sleep. And I think we both dreamt of distant places, of faraway shores and soft warm places that had us both feel secure and with a calmness that enveloped us totally. Or did we just dream of nothing....I'm not sure totally but it was just perfect for today. And upon waking from these dreams, wrapped so tightly in each other's arms we both realised just how very tired we really were.)

 

...........

 

So now I'm sat on my train home and darkness has fallen outside and I smile inwardly knowing that those hours we've shared today in the pillowy softness of each other will recharge our hearts and our minds.

Those Ibis hours will have us both know that what we share still is, as it always has been THE most beautiful things known to man...(or woman)

A most beautiful love that is felt so deep inside we just know that we have to just keep holding tight, keep being strong and keep looking forward.... for after all a shared love like this has to be worth the steps we are taking. Steps that will one day lead us to where we both very much want to be.... <3 xxxx

lacy tee

'Don't be afraid to take that big step'...

 

And so afraid I won't be....

 

It's been 8 months since I moved out of my house. 8 months since I moved out of my home of 31 years. That 8 months has been a first step.... maybe it was a 'chicken step' but that was fine. Being brave in a tentative way was fine. House sharing with someone I knew was just fine for that time.

It was fab even, but now the time has come for me to take 'that BIG step'

The fortune cookie in Noodle Nation told me as much, and I just can't wait.

 

'Don't be afraid to take that big step' it said.

 

 

*****

 

The last 8 months have had us enjoy a summer to remember. The sunniest, loveliest summer of 2016. A summer that Tess and I have shared an incredible amount of love and laughter ... a summer with one or two little lows along the way, but that's ok I guess.

It was a summer to have us both realise and appreciate just what we do share though and how really very special it is to both of us.

 

Memories of Ibiza wash over me as I think back through this past year. Memories of long coast walks and museum visits. Of Shakespeare and Shirley Valentine curled up in bed on a Sunday afternoon. Memories of boat trips, beach trips, sailing trips, barbecue's and even more bed picnics.

Memories of Gin tours, vegetable planting, Pride, flower markets and chocolate shops in Brick Lane. But most of all memories of us both now being separated from our husbands.

We've shared a feeling of our two lives coming together in the most beautiful heartfelt way ever. A feeling of partnership.

We've felt solid. We've held each other tight and when occasionally its felt like a see saw we've been able to regain the balance quickly, and for that I'm eternally grateful.

 

The spiritualist Tess saw today on our trip to Oxford has given her the strength to carry on knowing everything will be fine. The fortune cookie I broke open had me feel the same. We both have to hold each other tight while we separately work our way forward towards the next bit....

 

******

 

And now is the time for the first part of our next bit. It's a time for me to move into my new home, our new home. A cosy but spacious, flat full of charm and character. A flat I think we will just adore.

It will be a time for us to have a place to cosy up together on the long winter nights ahead. A place for her and I to escape and for her to come and feel a lightness and with a feeling of retreat. A place for her to come and feel as much at home as I hopefully will.

 

For Tess it will be a 'part time' home but hopefully it will be one that will hold many happy memories. Until the time comes that we can come together in our very own 'full time' home.

 

And so for now Tess will continue to live in her lovely home close to her family and with her kids while I'm going to stay close to my family and grandkids .... :)

But having this new place will just feel amazing, we can come together as often as is possible and we will treasure every minute I'm sure.

 

Tess let's hope the next step is just as amazing as the last steps have been.

I can't wait to share this with you. A new chapter that will help ease us gently forward. Let's face it.... We both can't rush something this special can we?

 

I love you shed loads my Mrs xxxxx

lacy tee

*blue Roll Soup*

So this all somehow feels just like heaven. (Married heaven)

 

Coming to stay for the night and sharing the joys of your home darling, yes it feels just like (married) heaven. Thank you for having me to stay....We fit beautifully, like ying and yang we just fit, and it feels just like (married) heaven.

Coming back to your home after our day out we giggle and chuckle as we remember back over the course of our day.

 

You meet me from the station and greet me with a kiss. It feels like forever since I've seen you. Well I guess two weeks is like forever in our world nowadays.... Plus I'd been away in Cyprus on a lonesome weeks holiday since seeing you last. Maybe that had made this feel like longer....

 

And so after a coffee we set off for a walk around Blenham Park. It was the most peacefully calm day for a walk around this beautiful park. The view of the Palace is amazing. We are chatting and laughing, we occasionally stopped to admire the view or just stand and watch the ducks. Yes I'd missed you so much this past two weeks.... so maybe we just kept stopping to admire the view of each other, yes that's more like it I think somehow....

 

This walk and the fresh air had us work up a bit of an appetite .... (Yes ok I know, I've always got a bit of an appetite.)

 

So now we are giggling as we remember back to that lovely cosy pub we chose for our lunch. Us sat on the sofa in front of the fire, us sharing a beer and browsing the daily papers together was really just perfection, yes just like our (married) heaven. Fabulous choice for a nice light lunch we think....

 

So our Spinach, wild garlic and delicious Blue Roll Soup maketh a lunch to remember.

 

We giggled and laughed and chatted as we started tucking into our yummy soup, It was very garlicky we laughed, yes and very green we said..... good job we were both having this very garlicky green soup we joked....

The reality was slightly different though. Yes the soup was green, very green. And as I said the soup was garlicky, very garlicky, BUT unusually the soup had a bit of blue paper towel roll in it, yes very unusual we know..... :/

Well upon further inspection it was not a tiny bit of blue paper roll ..... Our soup was full of shreds of this blue paper kitchen roll.... Omg we could not believe it... There was so much of this 'blue roll' we just couldn't believe it. Sadly there was no other way than to send this very inedible soup back.... Gutted we were, giggling but still gutted all the same....

Appetite gone we declined lunch after seeing the chefs giggle as much as we were, if not more....and seeing them sieve the soup so it was ready for other unsuspecting diners....

What a crazy bunch they were....

There was no way those crappy chefs were going to let some 'blue paper roll' stop them selling their very garlicky, very green soup that day..... Oh and did I mention their homemade bread was saltier than the 'Dead Sea!' :)

 

Lunch over, well sort of, and so we head back home. Home to light the fire and make a nice cuppa...

 

"Chickens" she says.... Yes we must go down to the secret garden and put away the chickens.

Boots and coats on and Agh she pulls the door closed.....SLAM... it goes and I see her colour drain. She has locked us out....

OMFG....

 

Well thankfully a bit of searching in some secret key hiding places has her find a key... Thankful was an understatement for that moment we shared. It was funny though....

 

Chickens all sorted, fire is on, wine is open and risotto is gently simmering ...... there really is nowhere that feels more like 'married' heaven than here and now.....God I love this so much....it really does feel just like 'married heaven'....

 

And so we spend a wonderful evening dining, and drinking, and draughting by the fire...(playing draughts) ..... and yes, this time she won.

She beat me hand down actually .... and rightly so, for my concentration was crappy as I was still just giggling and laughing over those 'yummy' bowls of 'blue roll' soup.....

 

The fire burns down & bed time finally comes.... Oh how bed time feels more and more perfect, just like real life 'married heaven....

 

Dawn finally breaks and her usual 6am alarm sounds and we lay, legs entwined and we just embrace the feeling of being here....

A few hours of laying together and sharing and planning our future has us feel excited....

Talk of how and when we can bring our lives more fully together.... Talk of how and when we can be living the life we are wanting to share....

 

And then on to talk of our upcoming planned holiday that isn't so very far away....now that WILL feel like 'married' heaven....

 

Thank you Tess for this past weekend. Your risotto and ginger and lime cheesecake were truly delish.....Your draughts playing was superb and everything else, yes I mean EVERYTHING else we shared was simply perfect, just like 'married heaven' xoxox

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Mother's Day 2016

 

Well today is Mother's Day. This is the very first Mother's Day after I've 'officially' left their dad.

 

Last year on Mother's Day they were most probably in denial of their dad and I being a happy family.

I had however at this time told them about Tess and about me being gay. I had told them of their dad and my marriage struggles....

 

The Mother's Day before that they obviously didn't have a clue of any of this. Happily in denial.

They obviously didn't have a clue of all of the struggles and silences and difficulties their dad and I were experiencing.

 

Most definitely the struggles I was experiencing the most, as I was the sensitive, emotional one who cried so easily. I remember back to when they were younger, they would giggle at me as tears so readily and easily would slip from my eyes as we all sat and watched a happy/sad family film.

 

I've always been the emotional, sensitive one....

 

So what is worse.... no card on Mother's Day or a card that cuts you to the quick. A card that feels like a kick in the stomach when you open it. A card with words that cut you to the quick as you open that envelope and read the words out loud to your girlfriend who is thankfully on the end of the phone line as you are stood alone in an empty hotel room.....

 

So here I am, alone in a hotel room. I'd booked and planned this weekend mindset seminar away. A seminar with an incredible motivational speaker that has helped me, is helping me to grow in strength and is possibly helping me with my own self worth.

A weekend seminar that is helping me find my way forward to being a stronger person who can achieve more in their life. A person who wants to 'pay it forward' and help them (my girls) achieve more in their lives. (My main goal was to try to help my eldest daughter buy her own house. I'm not sure if I can do this but it's in my mind I'd like to really try...)

 

So my question is....What hurts most ? No card or a card that feels like a kick in the stomach?

One day girls you may see how I'm laid in this hotel room feeling quite sad. I've brought you up to be independent and to give you freedom. I've been the one that has stuck up for you and defended you when your dad was cross or negative or being protective....and I was the one who did bring you up to encourage you to go live your life as you desired....

 

Now I'm here and I'm feeling like you look upon me as the one who doesn't care. Like I'm the one who just is off doing her own thing or like I'm finally 'living happy ever after'

 

One day girls you may realise how hard this is to be me and I hope you always remember me as that mum that always always there to stand up for you.... I love you both dearly.

 

..........

 

 

Well I'm home from my weekend away. I posted this blog to capture the depth of my feelings that Mother's Day. It was a hard day tbh.

Now I'm home I thought I should post a pic of the card my youngest daughter gives me.... albeit late....

Gotta love her coolness though, she's very laid back and wouldn't worry that I had my card late.

 

lacy tee

The first four weeks....

 

The first four weeks have almost passed. The first four weeks of stepping out of and away from for the home I've had for the most part of my life. My life that has had me live for almost 31 years in one place. A life that has had me live with, and share with one man, my husband, the man who I am now separated from and from whom I've stepped away from.

I've now spent almost four weeks living in a loft room with skylight Windows and the comfiest bed ever. A room with the humming of a fridge and a TV on a stand. For the first time in my life ever I've had a TV in my bedroom (and I've hardly used it.)

Almost four weeks in room that has felt like home from the minute I stepped foot in it ..... and I love it....

 

Leaving my old house didn't really feel like a wrench, it didn't feel particularly emotional and I didn't feel particularly nostalgic or sad about leaving it all behind really. Which after 31 years is a little remarkable and more than a little surprising I guess. I think it shows that maybe the time was right though. I think it also shows that all through last year I'd struggled and tried to hold my life together in that place that wasn't really the 'right' place where I wanted to be....

 

So I'm now on a train heading 'home'. Home to the place I now lay my head each night and where I find sleep so easily finds me. I'm heading home after spending the most wonderful weekend with Tess. A weekend of love and laughter, of family and bonding and of shared fun and films and of playing simple board games.... Games of draughts beside the log fire, drinking a warm liqueur and feeling so very proud of the way I beat her. My clever girl who can hold her nerve and who I admire so much for the past career she's had in a game that requires a steady mind.... I was so very proud that I beat her.... (I'm smiling so hard as I type these words and I'm giggling at the fun we had while sat on her rug in front of those burning logs as we played that simple board game.)

 

So this weekend gave us another chance to spend days and nights together where we didn't have to sleep in a hotel bed. Another chance where we could enjoy doing those simple things like shopping, cooking and washing up, and of simple chores like sorting some holiday washing. Making of beds and eating a simple breakfast together. Just the chance to feel more and more like a couple.

This weekend gave us much time to make love and fill ourselves with laughter. Where I could have a lesson or two in the mucking out of chickens and have an hour in sharing the joys of what makes Tess's son a very happy lad. Thanks Fred for showing me how to hold a chicken while you clip out those unwanted black feathers. Thanks also for getting me to spread muck and fork straw and cut shavings. You were a very good mentor and I actually loved spending that hour with you in your 'farm'. Your chickens and your cockerel are very fine birds indeed.

 

So our weekend came to an end and as I sit on a train home I know it's only a few short hours before we can chat and enjoy the benefits of FaceTime. Oh the joys of FaceTime :)

And so I sit here and think back to the beautiful show home we went to see and I know we have something like this in our vision, in our minds and in our hopes and dreams. Beyond our wildest dreams....but somehow I know we will get there....

 

Love you trillions Tessa D. Can't wait to see you at 'mine' next weekend.

lacy tee

The Danish Girl

The Danish girl and us.

 

Well today is the 11th January 2016. A grey chilly day in Reading and the chance of a much needed day for Tess and I to share. An early start, a train at 5.50am and we were finally together breathing the same air again, and all before 9am.

No bed picnics in a hotel for us today, no today we had decided on a movie date. Tess had been out and watched a film on Saturday and she wanted us to watch it together.

The Danish Girl was a story set in the 30's of a married couple. A married couple who together discovered that 'he' held a deep inner secret. The discovery, his discovery was very carefully played out on the screen. The emotion and compassion between this couple was just immense. She wisely saw what lay inside her husband and she helped him find himself in the most beautiful way ever.

The struggles, the roller coaster of emotions and the story that unfolded before us was just so utterly powerful it was amazing. Tess and I sat, in an almost empty cinema and we just watched in awe as this lovely man, with the help of his wife, gradually found his true self.

This incredible story unfolded in the most beautiful way and it was very clear to see the love this couple shared. But what was very clear was the way this man couldn't turn his back on what was so clearly deep inside him.

 

It's helped me watching this film today I guess, it's helped me a little more with what has happened this past few weeks. I know, like that man in the movie I can't turn my back on what's deep inside me.

I know that what was hidden deep inside me will always burn through, even if I try to smoother it, try to run away and try to hide from it.

I also know that what I've found with Tess is worth all the trillions of stars in the sky and many many more besides.

The happiness I feel deep inside me feels strong and solid. Strong and solid like a red hot steel rod running through my very core. On bad days my outer self can feel a bit weak and wobbly, a bit like a marshmallow but inside that red hot, solid steel rod holds me up and helps keep me strong.

 

Each and every day now I'm stepping forward towards my new land, the land of my other hand, towards the land that Tess and I will one day truly properly share.......

 

............

 

So now 2016 is upon us I've finally taken stock of how I lived the last year of my openly gay life. 2015 was a tough year for sure. I have come out to so many people though, people that are very close to me. However I have been trying to balance and juggle and live two lives and this past month I've finally crumbled. I really just can't do it any more.

I'm finally going to be moving out, as scary as that seems I feel excited too. It's true that I've had the freedom to live my life as I wanted, but it's also true it's been very hard as its been under the restrains of living my 'free' life in the house I've shared with my husband of 30 years. I started feeling a guilt at the way it looked to others. Going away, doing my own thing and coming back to my old life was finally getting just so hard. I started feeling like I wasn't living my life fully for me. At home I was accused of being moody and that accusation hurt. I was also worried about everyone else too and so the time has come for me to finally set myself free. It was the time for me to give Phil some form of his dignity back and for us to both one day find a way of being better friends again. It had somehow started to feel like we often weren't friends and that was a struggle.

 

Like the man in the film who came to realise he couldn't hide from his inner self I too know the time has finally come for me to finally set myself free.....

 

I will blog again in a few weeks as I know the next part of my life is a real leap of faith. I've every faith though and I know I have a very special hand holding mine very very tightly.

 

Tess thank you for our movie date. That was the most poingnant film you could ever imagine for us and what we lived..... and I loved it very much. <3<3<3 xxxx

lacy tee

We'd planned and booked 'our Christmas' months in advance. A Christmas weekend full of little special moments, the sharing of our love, of our gifts and a West End theatre treat. Oh we were excited to say the least. Winter Wonderland, the twinkly lights and lots of spicy mulled wine was all to be part of what would make this weekend so special for us both. We had such fabulous memories of Winter Wonderland last year it was something not to be missed we felt.

It had been an emotional two weeks in the run up to London. We were both desperate to get away from what laid behind us at home. However, we both knew that sharing this weekend would be very worth the difficult goodbye at the end... Coming away from weekends such as this are always hard, but this one felt like it would be even harder somehow.

 

So here we were at Paddington greeting hello with a big tight hug and the softest kiss ever. Oh I love her softness.

We set off on the underground and headed quickly for the cinema. We had planned and wanted to see 'Carol'. A film that looked both interesting and intriguing. A film of two girls who fell in love....We found the cinema, we had plenty of time but would you believe, but the cinema was flooded and so sadly Carol wasn't showing.

 

Ok plan B.... A drink and a cosy catch up on the past two weeks, two week where Tess's husband had sadly moved out of their family home. A week where they had finally, after two or three years of 'navigating' the 'living of two lives' they had finally, eventually found the strength to change things. They finally knew the time was right for him to step out of their life as they both knew it. They had, he had finally found the strength to know they both wanted and deserved more from their life as it was....

For Tess, for her husband and for her family it had been a very tough, very emotional few weeks....they had very sadly separated

 

And for me it had been tough too, in not quite the same, but in almost equal measure.... Hard to put into words exactly why it had been so tough for me too, but it had been... I will at some point blog more about the emotions I felt at this time I'm sure.

 

And so we found another showing of Carol at another cinema nearby. We headed there to read a sign saying the heating in the cinema was broken. They could offer us a blanket, said the sign..... and then we also saw another sign with the admission charges....£18....Yep, one, eight..... it was going to be £18 to sit in a chilly cinema and watch this film....and as much as the thought of cuddling under a blanket was appealing, so was the very thought of cuddling in our awaiting hotel room....

A room with a bed and a duvet and the chance to lay fully undressed next to her and hold her tight. A chance for me to hold her tight and let all her cares just wash away..... so the thought of our bed won over the cinema, even if the film did look truly amazing.....

 

Our favourite Covent Garden hotel was booked but what we didn't anticipate was just how amazing our room would be. Room 706 was absolute perfection. In fact we didn't draw the curtains for the two nights we were there. We could simply lay together, legs entwined, and look out of the window and watch the lights of The Shard change from white to red to green and many changing variations of the three. The London skyline was crisp and clear and our view of The Shard was just perfection. We could not have asked for more. And so we undressed and we laid and we held each other tight. And we laid and we made our very own film of 'two girls who fell even deeper in love'....

This was to be just the very start of our perfect Christmas weekend.... Oh I really love her softness....

 

A night out in the hustle and bustle of Soho has to be one of our favourite things. A cocktail jug full of Porn Star in the O bar and a delicious meal in Polpo was perfection in itself. Well the Porn Star was perfection but the meal wasn't quite to the standard we had previously shared in this quirky Italian eatery. The service lacked a bit and the atmosphere wasn't quite the same as last time we'd eaten there but we really didn't care. Oh and the Figs I'd ordered for desert were really nothing special, but it didn't matter. We were just so happy, happy to be here, happy to be together and even happier we had the thought of two nights ahead of us. Two nights Shard gazing and losing ourselves in each other. Now that was perfection....

Oh I do so love her softness.....

 

So we'd eaten and we fancied a dance and 'She' was perfect. Slightly crazy and fun and full of girls 'speed dating'. Yes it was most obviously 'speed dating' night girl style, and the girl watching was simply great. We stood to the side and laughed and chatted and watched the girls flirt their way around. I noticed a few phone numbers being exchanged and I took a breath and thanked my lucky stars I'd already found my one and only....

Yes, it was great to come here and feel alive with the slightly crazy and such a fun night out in Soho but to know we can run back to 'our' room makes this all the more perfect. Yes that was where our perfection lies....and I do so love her softness

 

............

 

Monday...

Our very own Christmas Day morning was to be today. She'd brought her little Christmas tree, we'd put our presents underneath and so we woke early to eagerly sit and share our gifts we'd so lovingly brought each other. The sharing of gifts feels like the sharing of our love somehow. Oh it feels like being a kid at Christmas again. Sitting in bed together amongst Christmas paper and torn envelopes feels so perfectly heavenly even if it were a week on the 14th of December.

 

So now I'm happy to gaze down at my thumb and see the silver and gold ring of hearts that sits so snugly there. A ring of hearts that fits my thumb so snug and almost feels like it's always been there. Thank you for my ring Tess. I simply love it so very much. I'm one very lucky girl and I know it.

 

We eventually head off out and find some yummy breakfast and steamy hot coffee. Sausage and egg sandwich was a hearty meal to set us up for our walk. A stroll around the shops, a wander through Liberty's and out onto Oxford Street. It's just lovely window shopping together and somehow the glitz of the jewellery shops are what draw us mostly. Nothing nicer than diamond gazing somehow.

 

Winter Wonderland held all the magic of last year and so this time we queued for a ride on the 'ice mountain' train. I thought it was to be a gentle ride through a winter scene of polar bears and penguins. Little did I realise it was a dark roller coaster with lots of spinning and turning and us being thrown around in our seat. Oh how we laughed though, and we squealed and shrieked, but oh how we laughed. Yes, that certainly got our adrenalin going that was for sure....

 

After the fun and lights of winter wonderland we headed back to our hotel. Luckily we had the time to stop at a little wine bar. Now this was not your ordinary little wine bar. This was a wine bar in a secret little lane near Claridges. Oh how lovely Claridges looked with the twinkly lights and all of its grandeur. But we sat in this secret little lane under the heat of the lamps above ...and we drank wine .... and we chatted and we whiled away an hour of pure bliss in awe of the wine list we were looking at.... Yes it really did say £12000 for a bottle of champagne. Yep, one bottle of fizz was £12000... And so we sat and enjoyed our wine and the 'continental feel' of this little wine bar in this secret little lane....

 

A bed picnic and a bottle of fizz with a view of the Shard was a perfect way to spend an hour or two before heading out to the Prince Edward theatre. We had booked and planned an evening to see Miss Saigon. I've never experienced a West End theatre show before and it surpassed all my expectations. The show was fabulous, very moving and very dramatic. Having her there sat beside me holding my hand made this night one that will go on in my mind for a very long time.

 

It was simply perfect for us to leave the theatre after and head straight back to our hotel room. No further dancing and drinking for us tonight. No, tonight we just needed our room with a view of the Shard casting it's spell over us. We just needed to lose ourselves to each other, to lay in our shared bed. Yes tonight we just needed to lose ourselves in each other.

To feel her skin as I gently stroke her body after we lay in the gentle warm glow before sleep finally finds us.... Oh I do love her softness.

 

So Tuesday arrives early and it's lovely to feel her there beside me. We'd planned breakfast in bed and lots of time to just relax and enjoy a lazy morning. I brought my scissors to give her locks a trim and we spent the morning chatting and giggling and appreciating what we have found with each other.

We packed our cases and she put away the little tree she'd brought along. Our own little mini Christmas tree that she had surprised me with last year. To think back to our shared Christmas last year...and our Christmas Candy date the year before had me ponder for a moment to think where this next year will take us....

I somehow think, and I very much hope it will take us closer to where we want to be....

 

Merry Christmas my darling Tess and thank you for an amazing, wonderful, love filled 2015.

 

Footnote: Tess I have talked to you about how after the theatre, walking back along the busy streets of Soho I feel so happy, I feel I'm 'walking my own footsteps'... I know you understand the meaning behind my words, and I want you to know how very very happy I am to have you walking beside me... Here's to 2016 and all the footsteps we take.... <3

 

 

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It was just another day....just another Monday.

 

But it was more than just another Monday....

 

It was a day to hug her & hold her and to feel her soft kisses. A day to feel her breath on my skin....

 

But it was so much more than just another day....

 

It was a day for us to share some thoughts and some memories of beautiful moments spent this time last week...

 

Moments spent only last week where we were laid under the hot Greek sunshine. Where the balmy breeze washed over us as we whiled away some lazy hours just sharing ourselves.

Swimming in the cool seas that lapped around us, almost taking our breath away....

 

You always take my breath away Tessa D....

 

Late night cocktails and early morning coffee's filled our hearts and our souls with some of the most perfect moments you could ever wish for.

Six AM alarm calls that stir us from our slumber...

The early morning alarm that stirs and wakes us to go in search of the most perfect sunrise....a sunrise that takes our breath away....

Such a view, priceless moments that make it much more than just another day.

 

Greek Olives (no not our Olive missy) and sardines with a delicious glass of chilled wine make lunch time much more than a moment... for if moments like this were part of a movie we know it would be a scene to be recaptured. Recaptured and replayed and with this view, a view to take your breath away..... Or was it just you that takes my breath away?

 

So today, this chilly cloudy Monday we had the chance to eat pizza and coffee cake. We had chance to have delicious lunch and a much needed hair cut, but mostly we had a chance to just be....Just be where we most wanted to be..... (together)

 

Thanks for today sweetheart. Illy

 

Xoxox

lacy tee

Tipping Our Velvet

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Tipping Our Velvet....

 

To celebrate our 21 perfect months we booked a treat. A treat that gave us yet another weekend to remember. A theatre in Hammersmith and our favourite hotel in Covent Garden was all we asked for on this autumn Monday afternoon.

We met in Marylebone before taking a stroll around Covent Garden. We take a moment to stand and listen to the lady sing opera. Her voice filling the air, the air which was full to bursting with 'heavenly' white balloons. Covent Garden always seems to have this way of feeling magical. Whatever season, whatever time of year, it's always magical. And today was no exception. There is nothing more magical than standing there, standing there feeling like we're in heaven as we listen to those crisp pure notes echo from this ladies lips, Her voice is projecting all around us as our lips find a way of stealing a perfect kiss.

 

So off to early check in we wander. A quick queue in M&S and we have a bottle of something pink and fizzy to enjoy before we head out to find our evenings entertainment. I'm really not so sure how we managed to chat about mushrooms growing between my toes but such is the way our conversations go sometimes. It's funny how I feel I can just talk to you about everything babe. I honestly can't thank you enough for that connection we have found. (I don't have mushrooms growing between my toes tho, just in case anyone wondered!) :D

 

Well early check in is sure the very best way to spend our afternoon. Follow this with a lazy snoozy snuggle up under our crisp white sheets, a delicious chocolate or two with our thinner than ever plastic cup of fizz and we are all set up for the spectacle that lay ahead for us that night.

 

A tube ride, another drink and a delicious meal and we find ourselves sat in the Hammersmith. It's gorgeous in here. Small, intimate and the show is just incredible. It was just a lovely show, funny and very sexy too. I loved the way you didn't miss a trick with those girls that were dressed as guys and all the kissing that was displayed. I loved the way you squeezed my hand as those girls were sent soaring skywards as their bodies met and finally found each other. We sure know how they felt didn't we? I loved feeling your need when that girl was stood as proud as punch on the stage bearing that large black strap on. And I loved knowing that we could go back to our room when this was all over and fulfil and match our need in each other.

I could feel your need as our hands were entwined in my lap for the whole 3 hours these girls (and guys) were on stage. I know it was the girls that took our eye though and I know that we both sat there just feeling the story unfold knowing that these girls were destined to be where they wanted to be. They were destined to be in the place we want to be. And I know, we know, one day we will be where we want to be..... forever.

 

Thank you Tess for an amazing weekend. Thank you for remembering it was the 21st, our 21st month anniversary. And thank you for my chocolates. They are gorgeous. You are gorgeous and what followed that night at the theatre was mind blowingly gorgeous.

 

See you next week darling for our 'make up and skincare' event. A shared event at your lovely home with your friends and family. A shared event that will help us both towards us living our dream. We really are luckier than ever we know.

 

Illy this much. (Holds hands an arms length apart. But if I were an ant or an atom that's millions and millions of miles you know.)

Xoxox

lacy tee

Forever and me, Forever & us....

 

Well it's been a while since I wrote a blog. I'm glad to say that of late my need to spill my emotions into a blog have eased. I do love writing of my life, and of my journey to finding myself though. So today I really feel the need to put down on here just how I'm feeling. How amazing, how energised and how truly excited I am feeling about my, about our future. This excitement is all thanks to one thing I think. One thing I've unknowingly always searched for. And I've found it and I can't begin to express just how lucky I feel.

 

This one thing is my new business, our new business. My lovely girlfriend discovered our new venture. As soon as she saw it she knew it would be perfect for me and I couldn't be any more grateful to her than I am for introducing me to this. The thing is, she sold this business venture to me like a true professional. She didn't think this would be her type of thing, she didn't think she could ever do this type of thing initially. Luckily I soon had her realise that she actually could 'sell' too. We could in fact do this together. She sold it to me after all didn't she?

 

I've always been in sales. Even when I was working as a hairdresser in a salon I've always loved selling the products that I've used and loved. It's not selling to me, it's about sharing something you enjoy using with your friends and family.

When I gave up hairdressing to have my family I've still always sold things, I sold Avon to my friends for fun, never made any profit but had a lot of fun with it. (Typical me to not think making some money from it and securing my future!) lol

 

I then went back to work part time and sold photo printers for Epson. Oh I loved that job. Demonstrating and talking to people all day. I was then asked to join the team at PC World selling computers. Omg I didn't have a clue about computers but I learnt the basics and did really well. The store manager wanted me because I was passionate about helping the other clueless customers who avoided the 'geeks'. I could sell on their level and I did really well. It was a fun time working with a crazy bunch of lovely 'geeky' people.

 

Then I found my dream job. I became an 'assistant manager' for a new Lush store in our hometown....

This was an amazing job, an amazing company with even more amazing products.

I eventually also became a regional trainer with Lush. We then went on and took our little Lush store to No1. in the company. I loved my time with Lush like no other. My family had to live eat and sleep Lush along side me. Poor them....

I focused all my energies into this job and it paid off. We were so successful.

My 'friend' was the store 'manager' but we were both in high regard with the people that owned the company. We were on a roll and doing a fab job. I loved the front end of this job, selling and motivating the team. On the shop floor selling. Being the face of what we sold was what I loved. My 'friend' did everything behind the scenes fabulously. She could focus on the stock and paperwork and getting our name out there. She would talk on the radio about our store, she had our products in lights in the town (all for free) and she had friends and connections in useful places. She was a market trader by nature and great at what she did. Lush loved her. What happened next is something that leaves me sad but not bitter. One day I just realised the time had come to leave....and so I did. Just like that... I left the job I loved more than any other ever... Sadly she wasn't the 'friend' I thought she was. But hey ho, time to go...

.

So I was out on a limb and looking for a job.

 

And so almost 6 years ago I started working in Boots. I was a Christmas temp and they put me on the electrical department. The amount of hair dryers and straighteners I sold that Christmas was amazing. Being successful there in my temporary job led me to be offered the job as a full time advisor for No7. This is a great job in Boots. The training is good, the products are good and the team were lovely. Yes, I was happy to have found something to like..it wouldn't replace Lush, but it was good and I felt lucky. (They paid better than Lush though)

This job has been my saviour in a way.

This past 3 years the girls I work with have helped me through a pretty tough time. No matter how much I've been struggling work has been my way of coping. It took me out of my reality Mind you I now only work 3 days a week, That's more than enough on a counter as busy as we are. Our team were 'team of the year' last year. This is a huge accolade for our store and our team and something we were really proud of. But that means one thing....more pressure, more targets to beat and managers that always want more....

It truly is an exhausting job.

Silly really when you think, we only sell a bit of make up and skin care. But the girls I work with make it all worthwhile. It's been a good job and I've enjoyed it.

 

And now I look back on my life and I see a girl who has finally found herself. I am a girl who lives with a man but is deeply in love with a woman. And I now look back and see that my working life has just been something to give me something to do. Something to enjoy and have fun doing. My job in Boots is no longer quite so much fun and I realise that being so fab at something when you work for someone else doing jobs like I have doesn't get you that far.

I never had drive or desire to look at myself and want for more.... I was always happy just working hard for others.....

 

..........

 

Forever....

 

Well now I'm older and I'm wiser and I'm Gay. Yes being gay and being married to a man is pretty hard tbh. I want to be in a position to live my life for me. I need to be financially more secure. I need to be able to survive, to live and to enjoy a full and exciting life where I can be true to myself, where I can treat my family well and do the things in life we all want to do....

 

And my darling girlfriend has just gone and found it for me.... As soon as she saw this opportunity she just knew this was made for me....or maybe I was made for this, but she found it and she saw it in me....

It's an uncanny coincidence just how this came about and I truly believe this was written in our stars and sent to us. Sent for us as a way of helping us move our life forward, forward to where we both eventually want to be.....

 

Tess's sister originally found this opportunity and liked the look of it immediately. Tess's sis is a bit like me, she's a product kind of girl. She likes 'stuff'.

Lotions and potions are just her thing too. So Tess's sis had an evening to show her new venture and her new product range to her friends.

Tess enjoyed the evening but as sat listening to the chat about these lovely 'very natural Aloe Vera' based products she just thought of me. Yes, Tess sat there and just saw this opportunity and she just knew it was perfect for me.

 

A few days later Tess's sis showed Tess a link on YouTube. The lady who featured on the link is called Natalie. Now Natalie is the #1 distributor for this company. She has been working with Forever for 8 years and her mum has been with the company for 18 years. Being #1 with the company has given Natalie a pretty amazing lifestyle tbh. A lifestyle that would be beyond most people's wildest dreams.

 

So Tess took one look at Natalie's face on this link she was watching and could hardly believe it. Natalie was a mum from her sons school. Tess never knew what Natalie did for a job, she was just a mum who she saw often at the school gate.

And there was Natalie talking on this link about this amazing business opportunity with this amazing company.

That was it, Tess just knew she had to tell me more. So she told me again about Forever and what it's given Natalie and her mum. She told me of the fabulous product range and all the health benefits that you can get from this companies amazing products. This company who grow, hand harvest, stabilise and manufacture the purest Aloe Vera on the market. This company that are truly ethical, still family owned and are only sold directly, through passionate distributors such as Natalie and her lovely mum and she told me again, just how much her sis was loving her new 'job'.

 

 

Thanks to Tess It didn't take me long to see this was the perfect opportunity for me. All of a sudden I had a focus, a vision and a dream.... Omg I felt excited like I'd not felt excited before. I could do this, I could do this well AND I could be doing this for me....for us, and for our future... and then I thought to myself that Tess could be doing this too. And so it took me just a few words, a tiny bit of extra convincing to assure Tess that she could too 'sell' Aloe Vera products. I told her she had in fact 'sold it to me' hadn't she.... and yes, she saw what I saw and so, together we were off.

We were off on the start of a path than I truly know is going to take us where we want to go and I'm excited like you wouldn't believe. Together we could do this. Along with her sis and a truly inspirational support team we were off.

The support, the company and its history, and mostly the really wonderful products we sell are what make me so convinced of this. I feel I've waited all of my life to find something like this. Something that I can do with a passion, and a drive, and a determination that will finally give me the credit that my work ethic, our work ethic deserves.

 

I can't believe that Tess has found me this opportunity, and I'm so happy that she has joined me for the ride.

I'm just so excited about our future you can't believe. She calls me her little puppy. She loves my crazy enthusiasm and the way I give 110% all of the time. The way my head is so full of plans and dreams and just everything Aloe.

 

I truly am Aloe inspired.

 

She grounds me and supports me in her calm, truly lovely selfless way and I just know together, with Forever we really are going to fly.....

 

..........

 

Thanks for reading this girls. I'm sorry it's soooooo long but I just had to capture a bit of what we've found.

If you, or anyone you know, may ever want to hear a bit more about this inspirational company and the opportunity we have been so grateful to have found then please don't hesitate to pm Tess or myself.

 

You never know, it could be part of your path too..... :)

 

 

Tess thank you baby for everything, and for loving me like you do. We've just shared another wonderful weekend away, it was perfect and I truly love you ..... 'forever'.

lacy tee

I'm was sat on a train, a train that will take me to meet Tess. We were flying off to Greece and I just couldn't wait. I really needed to recharge my batteries, I needed to have a rest and mostly I needed to indulge myself in my gorgeous girlfriend. Yes, I really couldn't wait.

 

I'm leaving behind everything and everyone and thankfully it all feels good to do so...

A chance to step out of my world and enjoy some sunshine, some swimming and some love and romance with some Greek 'Olives' and some deliciously sweet honey.... Yes, I couldn't wait.

 

This last 20 days have been a huge rollercoaster ride of emotion with Phil and I. After the holiday in California I've struggled hugely. 15 days ago we had a big fall out. Big by our standards anyway. The next morning I wrote him a letter.

I had planned to save the letter to read to him sometime soon, sometime when the time felt right. I wrote about how I was finding all if this just so difficult. I wrote of how I could see and feel his sadness but I was so sad and unhappy deep inside too.

I felt the time had come for me to take a step, take a step towards us separating as I had to think about my happiness too now. We both just seemed to be so miserable inside, so inside ourselves. I honestly couldn't see a way forward for us as a couple and I felt the time had come for me to think about me....I just keep doing what I'd tried so hard to do. Keep my marriage going while holding onto what I'd found with Tess and myself. What I'd found deep inside me. I felt I honestly saw us being better friends than husband and wife and I felt, as a family we would all feel happier and closer again.

 

Well as it turned out, that very same day I wrote him that letter he asked me 'what was up'....

I couldn't put it off any longer and so I told him. We sat and talked. What I told him was nothing new, he'd heard it all before. But I then read him the letter I'd written. Reading my own words was easier. Telling him we needed to move our lives forward separately was easier, reading from my letter. And he listened and he knew that he had to finally let me go....

There were no tears this time, just the weight of sadness and resignation maybe.....

 

That night my youngest daughter came home and he told her I wanted us to separate. We had both talked with her about this before and so she was upset but not surprised. She knows and see's we aren't happy right now and she understands. It was hard seeing her not know who to comfort first. There were no tears on our part but an obviously visible sadness. I really felt for her at that moment as a few tears slipped down her cheeks...

 

The next night we went to tell our eldest daughter. She was quite emotional. A bit angry, a bit sad, and also concerned for herself and her little family too. Her husband was visibly sad. He later told us he has felt we were his role models. He always said he would always strive to be like us.... He was just in a state of utter shock poor lad.

I had told my eldest daughter about 'me' a few months back but she hasn't acknowledged it or shared that information with him at all. She is so like her dad you wouldn't believe. Bury her head in the sand and pretend it wasn't even mentioned is her style. I've tried telling her she needs to open up a bit more and not keep everything inside. I hope she can learn something from this.

 

I had to sit and listen to her lectures about how hard it was to rent, how difficult it was to go it alone and how mad I was. All the practical things were the things she was worried about. Our eldest is so practical, just like her dad. Our youngest understands more though as she understands the emotions I feel and how I've struggled. It is a comfort knowing one of my daughters understands me.

 

The next day my son in law sent me a few texts saying how upset my eldest was and how much he is hurting too. This was hard but I knew they had to deal with the shock and I just had to read these texts and deal with their words....he later apologised for his texts bless him. I totally understood his worries and sadness. On the outside we look like a perfect couple. He was feeling at a loss and hugely concerned for Jo too I'm sure.

 

,..........

 

And so now I felt a calm wash over me somehow. I now also felt the time was right for me to move into our single bed. I'd tried this before after I'd been struggling, I had only managed the one night in there that time. Now I feel so at home, so relaxed and so at ease in my single bed I just knew the time was now right. It's just lovely having my own space.

You can certainly not accuse me of rushing or making hasty decisions. Lol

 

...........

 

Now I'm home from my holiday with Tess. We had the most amazing time. It was exactly the holiday I envisaged us having tbh. Wonderful, fun, romantic and full of very special moments. (See previous gushy blogs. Lol)

 

Now I'm home and it was nice to feel comfortable slipping into my single bed again. I held no guilt or feelings of awkwardness at being there alone. It feels like the right place to be.

My hubby told my brother and his partner while I was away. He told them about Tess and me being gay. I doubt he has told them too much about our struggles we've been through over the past few years but in time they will understand more I'm sure.

 

So right now we are living together as friends. Friends who can live in 'our' house very cheaply. We are there for each other for family things and practical support. We've made plans to separate our finances a bit now which feels odd. I'm going to have to be looking ahead as to how I can support myself independently. We've no dependant children now so I need to find a way to earn some more money I think. Lol

 

But It's Father's Day on Sunday and I really hope we can all be together and enjoy a family day in the garden. It's things like that will help my hubby I think. Help him feel, for now, it's worth us staying and living like this. He needs to find things to help him move his life forward, I know I have and it's a wonderful feeling.

 

My mum and dad are going through a lot atm and it's going to be a tough time. My dad is a wonderful wonderful man and I love him so so much. He had his op on his colon but sadly the cancer that had spread to his liver couldn't be operated on at the same time because it had grown. They are waiting to see what the plans are now. Whatever lies ahead I just know it's going to be a tough time with them somehow.

 

 

So that's a quick update on life as I know it. Most of this was written before my holidays with Tess. I find it a good way of holding onto my memories and my feelings.

 

Every day brings a different emotion and struggle for all of us but I'm still looking up and looking ahead. Today the sky is beautiful, completely cloudless and clear deep blue. However I always think that a few fluffy clouds can add to the beauty of the day. But if we have a day of dreary dark grey we should still look up and ahead and know there is a lining of bright shiny silver twinkling and waiting just for us.

 

Thanks for reading girls. Your comments are always appreciated. xxx

lacy tee

Luvin Easy....

Luvin Easy

 

So our next two days were filled with much laughter, much fun and even much more Easy luvin....

 

The walk for an early morning breakfast followed by a relaxing day at the beach was all we needed. The temperatures were rising and we were falling into our Easy steps. Pace for pace our steps matched each other's and we both commented on just how very Easy this all was.

 

On the Tuesday we decided to rise early. Well I suggested we rose really early to catch the sun come up. I really really love a sunrise.....

So I woke and gave my sleepy gf a nudge. Come on then, I encouraged. Let's go....

And so we set off before 6am. A gentle walk down past the donkeys and the cockerels and we stopped to take a pic or two of the view.

Onwards we marched to navigate our way through the little shady cobbled lanes to head up towards the Acropolis.

We took the route that the donkeys walked and following their footsteps (and their poo) we found our way easily.

The view from the top was stunning. It was just so peaceful. Perfectly tranquil. We admired the sights and we took a hand full of photographs before we found a rock to sit upon. We sat together on this rock feeling the warm breeze wash over us and we listened to some nice songs together. To have this time away form the world, our worlds was bliss. Sitting and chatting and sharing this time with each other was more than bliss tbh, it was pure heaven.

I played Tess one of my favourite songs which was called 'Heaven' and that moment will stick with us both forever I'm sure ...

 

...........

 

A scorching day on 'our' beach followed. A swim or two, our 'relaxing sun cream massage' obviously, and our beers and lunch and those iced coffees to keep us energised. Oh those iced coffees certainly did give us a much needed caffeine kick when our bodies were feeling the pace. In fact it was those coffees that gave us the energy to get back up the hill to our 'home'.

 

One of our many swims sticks out in my mind. My very naughty gf and I have always talked about her experience of 'skinny dipping'.

It's something I know she is very keen to repeat. I can just tell how her mind is working with this. We had a pool at our apartment and she was a bit miffed to see how the all of the jolly holiday makers would sit at the pool bar into the early hours drinking and chatting and laughing. I know she wasn't worried about the potential noise they might make. I just know she wished them all to bed early so she could steal us a quick 'skinny dip'....

Well it was soon apparent that the pool was never going to give her this experience she was craving so badly.

Naughty girl that she is I think she planned her move on me that day while we were swimming in the ocean. She swam a bit deeper knowing I'd follow. Cuddling in the sea was gorgeous I loved the feel of our bodies so close ...... and then from nowhere she slipped my bikini bottoms down to my knees. She knew I'd like this. The feel of the cold water down there was pretty wonderful actually. Not like I'd expected. Then my bottoms were off. She waved them in front of me and grinned that cheeky little grin I had come to love so much. Ok two can play at this game I thought....and so we giggled and messed around for a brief moment or two before deciding that midday in the middle of this bay wasn't the best place for us to fully enjoy this experience. Definitely one for another day (or night) though ....

 

...........

 

So now our holiday is over and I'm sat here on our Easy jet plane home. I'm thinking back on all of those little moments that we shared. Those moments that will either make me smile inside or even have an odd tear or two fall on the outside. Not a tear of sadness though, but a tear of joy, of love and laughter and of our shared completeness.

 

Our memories will always remain. We will both savour and talk of them often I know. Memories like those of such loud donkey's 'baying' and cockerels 'cock a doodling' .... Memories of such pretty whitewashed streets, the tiniest churches and of quaint cobbled lanes.

Memories of our heat exhaustion walking up the hill after a long day at the beach before slipping into the cool crisp water of our pool and the memories of us singing and dancing together on our balcony. Us laughing and singing and dancing late into the night as the holiday makers next door beautifully sang their karaoke.

Memories of the beautiful perfect shocking pink flowers that looked like delicate paper that were growing simply everywhere and our memories of the view from the top of the hill as we looked down upon the clear azure blue sea. The sea that was to cool us as we sank into it. The coolness of the sea was still a bit of a surprise to me. We sure needed that coolness though to escape from the intense heat of the totally clear cloudless blue sky.

So many memories made in such a few perfect days. Days where we could escape life as we know it, life that each holds more than a few challenges right now. The life that we feel we share even with the distance that separates us right now.

 

But I know, but we both know, how very very lucky we are. We both know we are blessed to have found a love, a love that we share, a love that perfectly matches each others. Where our steps fall into a pace and a rhythm that feel as Easy as our beating hearts.

 

We also know we are lucky when we sit and relax on our plane journey home. We sit behind a family with fidgety crying children and I glance down to the floor of the seat in front of me. I gently nudge my gorgeous girl and I point. We look at each other and an Easy shared smile spreads over each of our lips as I bend to pick up that shiny English penny.....

 

Lindos we will return.....

 

:) xxx

lacy tee

Living Easy.....

 

Well our day in Gatwick yesterday was lots of fun. Our flight was great and our taxi was waiting for us when we arrived.

Our accommodation was gorgeous and walking into our room at 2am was perfect. Yes, it was slightly later than we hoped but it was perfect all the same.

Well we crashed onto our bed, shared an Easy moment or two before falling into a much needed sleep. Well I think I slept but Tess didn't. We only had thin cotton sheets and she was freezing. This girl of mine feels the cold worse than me would you believe. So at 4am I woke to feel this limpet like creature stuck to me. She was clinging onto me to try to keep herself warm. I couldn't move....:)

So I found our beach towels to cover us and we managed another hour or two of semi sleep before the early morning light breaking through our patio door had us decide we needed to start our day. Three or maybe four hours sleep was enough surely? Yes I was sure it was.

So we quickly unpacked our cases and then headed out the door. Walking down towards the beach I was excited to see donkeys and cockerels in the waste land that we walked past. How those first moments of somewhere new live with you and make an impact on your experience of your trip.

 

We stopped off at a lovely coffee shop and shared our favourite breakfast. A pain au raisin here tasted slightly different somehow. Simple but delicious. It really was all we needed.

The heat was building already and it wasn't even yet 9am. A nice stroll through the streets and then a paddle of our feet down on the smaller pebbly beach in Lindos, An Easy walk back to the main larger sandy beach that was to be our 'home' for the next few days was lovely. Small cobbled streets with a feast for our eyes at every turn. This was how Greece should feel. Very quaint and authentic.

Iced coffee, a few beers with a delicious fresh Greek salad lunch also became our daily ritual. The other daily ritual we loved was our 'sun cream massage' time. We would lay on our sun bed and spend half an hour or so indulging each other in a gorgeous massage that protected us from the suns rays. Creamy Factor 50 became a perfect massage product. Thank you Mr Amber Solaire we were able to indulge each other in a way that no one would have suspected. (It's such a freeking turn on laying in just a bikini having a massage in this way.)

 

The thing that also had a huge impact on me was just what a wimp my girlfriend is. You just wouldn't believe how long it takes her to duck her shoulders under when we went for our swim. The water here is gorgeous. Crystal clear and calm. The weather was hot, very hot and you'd think she would have been able to just throw herself in....but she couldn't. She grimaced and shivered and took forever to get in. I found it quite hysterical and it quickly became one of the most endearing memories I will take away with me from this trip. I always think of Tess as my 'action girl' who isn't afraid of anything or any situation..... except slightly chilly water. Lol

 

And so we swam, and we relaxed and we whiled away those hours in the shade of our umbrella knowing this was just so very very Easy.

 

The funniest bit was yet to come though and had us laughing often.

After those hours on the beach that first day we returned to our room. It was lovely to come back to the cool and shade and spend a few moments doing what we loved to do....

We spent those moments enjoying each other ......Eekkkk.....A firm knock on the door had us both spring up like a jack in the box. We were giggling and hunting around for something to cover our decency. Something Easy was found quickly and Tess finally was able to open the door.

It was the lady who owned our apartment she needed our passport and had come to check we were happy with the room. I glanced around. Omg, it looked like a teenager had in fact landed in her wake. The sheets were all a tangle and the pillows were nowhere to be seen. Most embarrassing though was my hair. From all the sun, the sea, the sand and now the s.. my hair looked like creation from a si-fi movie. Omg, nice to meet you Mrs nice lady owner, yes I'm tess's gf and yes it was tess's mum that was here only a week ago.....so when she left we giggled a bit and opened a bottle of fizz and slowly got ourselves all dolled up ready for a nice stroll, a meal and an Easy bar crawl.

lacy tee

Greece 2015

 

I always start my trip with a train. Wow I love my time on a train. My time on a train heading towards Reading, heading towards our date, our trip, our very first 'real' holiday. We couldn't wait for this holiday. A trip to Greece where we could unwind and leave all our stresses behind. Yes we couldn't wait and we were going to make the most of every single second

 

.........

 

This flight was supposed to be Easy... And Reading was going to lead on to Gatwick and this was going to be a part of our holiday. I love airports, I love the chance to shop and enjoy a meal and get all excited about my trip.. It sure was good we love airports today though, as we ended up being there twice as long as we should have.

A 'FOUR hour delay it said on the board, wtf, four hours.

Well it certainly wasn't going to miff us today, nope it wouldn't dampen our spirits, we wouldn't let it.

 

......

 

So our fun and laughter started with a queue, a queue to go through to departures. Those dreaded X-Ray scanners are bad enough without the most officious, Hitler like guy shouting at those of us with more than one clear plastic bag of liquids. My blood ran hot and cold as I stood and looked at my multiple bags of creams and potions. My little extra bits I'd added in for us to enjoy while we were away. I do work in Boots I thought to myself, creams and lotions are my thing...wtf were we, or rather, was I going to do.

 

'ONE CLEAR BAG OF LIQUIDS' Mr Hitler continued to holler while looking directly at us. I looked at my multiple bags and knew I didn't want to part with any of it....

So only one thing for it, let's leg it to the other end of the hall where a pleasant, guy with a smiley face and grey moustache just smiled at my collection of sundries. Phew, all of this was going to be Easy after all....

But no, not quite, I was asked to take my shoes off.... Well they are hardly shoes.... they are the strappiest sandals you've ever seen (almost) but still I had to sit and undo all the straps.... and all the while I was thinking about Olive tucked away in my case going through X-Ray.

Please don't worry Mr X-Ray machine it's only a buckle or two you can see... It could be a handbag or a belt maybe....no it's ok, you don't need to check my bag, honestly....'oh ok, it's only a strap-on harness' I was thinking I may have to explain....but it's ok cos it's hers----> (points at Tess!) and as she has cheap plastic flip flops on and she was able to run through the scanner like a rabbit on heat.....

 

...........

 

The fun thing was though that we were on our holidays already and the thought of four hours in Gatwick was fine. It was fine because we were able to shop a bit and chat, we were able to share a nice meal and a beer or two and then we were actually able to sit and indulge in a delicious glass of champagne. Yeah, a four hour delay really wasn't so bad because we were here together and we were able in indulge ourselves in the anticipation of what lay ahead.

 

Finally we see our gate no on the departures board. Wow gate 101, that's a long walk. Let's head off there now I say.

So we reach our gate and I slip off to use the loo. When I return Tess is smiling, well it sort of looked like a smile on her face....maybe it was a grimace....

There was a change of gate no for our flight. We had to now make our way back to the departure lounge and then try to find gate 46. The man from the airline was supposed to make this Easy for everyone but in truth his explanation was far from Easy... Confusion was all around for a moment but we got a grip of ourselves and headed back the way we came. We took a ride in the lift with a crowd of others. Everyone seemed upbeat though and the atmosphere really quite jovial.

I stepped out of the lift first and raced to the escalator. I knew Tess would be only a step or two behind me.... Except when I stepped on the escalator she wasn't behind me. She was stood at the bottom looking at me as the distance between us grew and grew. The jovial crowd from the lift were all filing out of the open door and walking down the corridor towards gate 46....

I was heading up up up and away from them all. I was going the wrong way. In my haste I took a left instead of a right.....In my rush I'd gone the wrong way and thankfully nobody followed.....

I very briefly contemplated running back down the escalator towards my gorgeous girl.... but it took only a moment to realise that wasn't a such a great idea. So thankfully Tess stepped onto the first step and followed me up to the top. I wonder if she contemplated leaving me at that point..... lol

Laughing hard we had to navigate a way to get back down to where we started. Luckily we found the lift down and we were able find gate 46 with plenty of time to spare.

 

In the end our fight was Easy. We really had no complains. (Oh and we even had a £3 voucher to spend as way of making up for our delay) Cheers Easy jet that two thirds of a sandwich that bought us was simply delicious.

So we sat and enjoyed some extra nibbles and we drank some wine and we were able to sit all cosied up together and know it wouldn't be long until we hit paradise.

 

And it did all feel so very Easy ....

lacy tee

Sometimes the best laid plans are put on hold for another day....

Sometimes the English weather is on your side....

And sometimes a day in Reading is all you need....

 

We had planned a picnic by a river in Oxford. Maybe we could enjoy some holiday shopping and a coffee shop or two....Oxford is gorgeous you often say....

 

But it was cold.... and miserable.... and very grey.

 

Let's take 'Olive' to Reading you said...."oh twist my arm then" came my hasty reply....;)

 

And so our date was decided, and a picnic was planned. But there would be no sight of trees or a river. Our wander around the old town and the cathedral was put on hold for another day. Put on hold for another sunny day where our desperate need for a room wasn't quite so pressing.....

 

A day room is easy in Reading. Is it the same in every town I ask myself?.... Do all hotels offer a 'day rate'?

Well Reading hotels do and lucky for us they are absolutely perfect. Perfect for us to catch up and chat and giggle and share a bed picnic of fizz, some delicious sandwiches and some strawberries and the creamiest yogurt ever made....

(Is it weird that I just knew we'd love choosing yogurt together?.... Nope I don't think its weird at all, I think it feels like the most natural thing in the world to do myself and I just love it.....)

 

Well we tried to shop a bit first before heading to our 'room for a day'. We tried so hard to shop for holiday clothes, we even shared a changing room, but we liked nothing that John Lewis had to offer us that day.

We really were just going through the motions of shopping I think though. How could we focus on T-shirts or dresses when our room and Olive and our bottle of fizz was waiting. Oh so patiently waiting!

 

"Enough of shopping?" I ask, yes we are so perfectly matched I feel.. Ok, lets go....

 

And that dreaded hotel lift had us in fits of laughter. You'd have thought we'd have learnt. We've been caught out like this before.... The lift door closes....and we kiss.....soft sensual and needy kisses. The sort that have you feel like you are fully naked but you're not.....and then..... the the lift door opens.....only today it opens three freekin times.... boy how we laughed. The cleaning lady had a giggle at our expense that day I know... :D

 

And so our room was amazing in a plain and simply way, the fizz was opened at 11am, (that's not too early is it?) and our lovin and our laughter (and my chatter) was simply mind blowing....

 

 

Tess today was a given day. A day for us to capture and catch up and connect again in our favourite place. (I know we have soooooo many favourite places now but Reading holds something special for me somehow.)

 

Today was the day we had planned and thankfully it fitted in so perfectly with all the other things going on in my/our life.

Today was planned so long ago and it was absolutely perfect timing.

Perfect timing for us to just be together.

 

Yep, our picnic in Oxford can wait.

 

We needed Reading today.... sharing our room where we could just love and just lay and just find ourselves together again.

Where real life could stop for us, where it was just perfect for us to come together in this soft and sensual and loving way.

We needed to feel this close after the struggles we felt recently during my California holiday.

The emotion of my past weekend where I felt the need of my dh and I just couldn't give it to him.

The struggles we both feel because we both know we are both married to our men, and we are so in love with a woman (each other). Plus we also know we are gay and that is deep inside and that will not go away.. (Not ever will it go away)....

 

Tess, thank you, today was beyond amazing. It will give me all the strength I need to get through these next few days. My dear dads surgery tomorrow and his horrible health issues ATM will be helped because I know I have the deep emotional support and connection that I share with you.

I am very very lucky. (I feel blessed and slightly tipsy on wine and love right now) and omfg Mrs Tessa D it's only just over a week and we fly to Greece. :D

 

Btw Olive wants to come away on holiday to Greece with us? ... She said she had an awesome time today, she said if she is a 'good' girl can she come to Greece with us too? Shall I try sneak her in my carry on case as I don't think she has a passport. :-))))))

(I said yes, I hope that's okay!) xxxxx

illy always and thank you xxxxx

 

 

Amazing amazing amazing day darling. I love sharing strawberries and fizz in bed with you .... <3

Thank you.....that is all.... &#10084;&#65039;

lacy tee

California.

Well I've been home a few days now. Home from the longest holiday my hubby and I have had... It was a trip we booked last year. We almost cancelled it back in March, but we didn't.

Now I'm glad we didn't, as I felt it was what my husband desperately needed and rightly deserved. I didn't know how it was going to go but thankfully it went well. Better than I imagined actually....

 

Yosemite was our first stop and it just blew me away. I'd love to go back one day and show Tess this truly incredible national park. The national park that IMO was the best I've ever been to. So from the moment I saw the first glimpse of this incredible spectacle I was transported into another place. I decided I WAS in fact very lucky to be here on this holiday that we almost had cancelled. I decided I was here now, and so I was going to make the most of it.

 

Often in life we choose how happy our day can be. We can wake up feeling positive and ok with things or we can wake up feeling low and struggling. Thailand in March was a big, no let's say, a massive struggle for me. Things had however been feeling a bit different now with him and I. More calm and relaxed with 'things'. I was happy he had opened up about me to his family. It had done him good I think....

So Yosemite was start of our trip and the place that put my head into feeling positive and alive and happy.

For those reasons our holiday started on a high. (I do love natural beauty above things man made. The sights and experiences I saw on those two days in Yosemite trailing this wonderful place will stay with me forever.)

 

So our 18 days in California in May 2015 was a successful holiday in the end. We got along well, we stayed in some truly lovely places and we had a good time, as good friends do....

But there lies the crux of the matter, we are like good friends. We can enjoy things together and have a nice time, but it is in a friends type of way...

Now I've discovered my sexuality and I've fallen in love with my wonderful girlfriend I see and feel the difference. The little things that show the difference between 'loving someone' and being 'in' love with someone. I never knew the difference before, now I do... Being just friends is sadly no longer enough. :(

 

And so now I'm home. It feels so good to be home and back to normal. I have so needed to get back normal, into some sort of routine with Tess where we can get chance to chat and text again and be in the same time zone. But help, what is normal in this funny mixed up life of mine. This life where I'm married to a man and in love with a woman?

 

Now I'm struggling a little bit.

My poor dh is feeling like things, like we are in a 'better' place. I think he maybe feels 'I'm back!' I fear he is thinking that life has settled and I'm 'here'.

"You ok" he sometimes tentatively quizzes me... knowing and sensing I am feeling much calmer than I was earlier this year. I feel very different now than I did the day he asked me that same question back in march while we were on holiday in Thailand. I now can answer and nod "yes I'm fine".

 

But, I am here calm and 'ok' but I am still so different inside. I want to sit down with him again and tell him I can't change what's inside me... It's who I am and the more time goes on the more I feel it. The gay me won't go away, I've not 'grown' out of it yet!!! Lol. :)

I want to sit and tell him again what I've found has filled me and I am a totally different person. I've found myself and I've found someone who matches and fills that in me too.

 

.....

 

We climbed into bed two nights ago. We'd had my parents down for a meal and had 3 bottles of wine. One bottle too many really. My dads surgery had been cancelled that day and it had been an emotional day. Plus jet lag was hitting us a bit. So we climbed into bed and he tried to cuddle into me. I could feel his need for me, I could feel how he was wanting to feel me close...it was heartbreaking to be feeling his need, and I was just wanting to just move away.... My feelings and emotions and my need to transport myself somewhere else just showed me how incredible strong the gayness is in me.

 

And I laid in bed, in the pitch darkness and silent tears fell.

 

Soft slow tears slipped silently from the corners of my eyes because, as I lay there in the darkness I just know that I'm living the wrong life. My heart breaks for him and it's scary but this Friday night 'cuddle' just confirmed to me what lies inside me....

 

............

 

 

Thankfully Saturday came and work was looming. It was another welcome feeling of normality that helped me get through the day. My work colleagues are simply the best. They were more than pleased to see me. They had missed me and I know I can tell them anything and they understand.

 

For now it's my dads health that is first and foremost on my mind but not far behind those thoughts are where and how we go from here.

 

 

..........

 

 

In three weeks time I'm going to be waking up in Greece. Tess we deserve this holiday in Greece sooooo much. I can't wait for us to indulge in each other and soak up some of what this tiny romantic village has to offer. My guess is that this holiday will be so far removed from the holidays I've experienced lately, if ever, I just know I won't want to come home. Thank you for struggling so bravely through my holiday sweetie. I know and understand how much you struggled but we got through it. I just know I can't wait to see you next week. I love you <3 xxx

lacy tee

No petting in the spa please....or the restaurant, or the bar, or in the changing rooms .....

But you sure can try though can't you?

 

Finally the kids were back to school and Bath was upon us. Time to indulge and enjoy in some real birthday treats and some more.... ;)

 

My case was bulging at the seams with more than enough treats to fill a couple of days and nights with 'pleasure'. One pleasure that was equally shared and enjoyed may require a separate blog when the mind and body allows. (Sorry Milla and ijm, you will have to wait a bit longer for that report.) ;) lol

 

And so we meet and share a coffee. Then we are off to spend a bit of retail time shopping. We've a holiday booked in 6 weeks time and so bikinis are tried on and purchased .... No petting in the changing rooms please ladies....

 

......

 

Check in was a breeze, we are well practiced at this now it seems...

Unpack, make up, make up again and off out to enjoy a few drinks and a fabulous steak dinner. Great choice babe, that rib eye certainly did melt in your mouth.

 

...

 

The Early bird catches the worm, or so they say..,.except this early bird poo'd all over me.

We were sat having a nice frothy coffee. It seemed like the perfect spot.... A gorgeous courtyard with cosy seating and a warm sun shining down upon us ....

When SPLAT came the dreaded dollop of big bird poo.... Ugh it was gross. Lucky it was my coat and not my head that took his aim.

Maybe this was going to be my lucky day....that's what they say isn't it?

 

 

Picnic purchased and a trek up the hill to a National Trust garden.

"No Madame, not today, I don't want to purchase a membership honestly. Thank you anyway!"

 

A quick kiss at the 'kissing Gate' before our tummies tell us it really is lunchtime. Yep, 11.30am isn't too early to pop that bottle of pink pizz and share our sandwiches.

And it really was so perfect laying on your blanket on the top of that hill overlooking Bath city centre...

We lay together under the bluest sky ever. Big fluffy Snow White clouds making shapes for us as we marvel at the beauty of the country side laid before us.... Hmm...Was that really a dwarf with a penis.... ?? :D

 

..........

 

Ok ladies.... No petting in the Spa, or the changing rooms, or the pool, or the steam room please. Hehehe.

And now it was time for your birthday treat. I'd booked a twighlight package at the Thermae Spa for us both. Oh what a treat it was. Scrumptious dinner and a glass of wine (or two) followed by the warmest pool, the hottest steam rooms ever and the most romantic open air, rooftop pool you could ever imagine.

Those achy hips and shoulders (achy from the work out we'd previously enjoyed the night before) were just melting away as we let our bodies and minds drift away in those indulgent baths.

It really was the most fun, romantic, beautiful setting, watching the sun go down over the rooftops as we tried (and failed) at obeying the rules... No petting in the baths now ladies...please no petting.

 

..........

 

Spanish tapas, spanish guitars and a bottle of spanish wine ended the day in the most perfect way.

No petting at the bar please ladies....

 

..........

 

And once again she blows me away. Mind blowing hours spent indulging in each other, making up for lost time....

 

No petting in the spa, or the changing rooms, or the pool, or the steam rooms please!!!!

Yes we were now certainly making up for lost time.

 

Well we laughed loads....

We petted loads (in all the wrong places)

and we ate and drank a fair bit too.

 

Bath certainly is a place so full of romance and this was the most romantic trip ever. Thanks baby. Glad you liked your birthday treat so much. We really are so so so very lucky you know.

 

Thank you babe for everything, I love you xxxx

lacy tee

Well here goes with the blog I wanted to write yesterday.

I wanted to take a moment to write something about the way life is right now.

I wanted to put something down so I can try make sense of the normality that is my life right now.

My life feels so oddly normal right now you just wouldn't believe....

 

I've been home from my anniversary holiday a month tomorrow. Oh the emotion and the pain of that holiday and the week or three that followed were almost off the scale. I didn't see a future for my hubby and I if I'm honest. We were in a really bad place.

I desperately wanted him to tell his family just how it was for us right now. He is fairly close to his sisters and his brother in a much younger, not much in common sort of way. (They are all in their late 60's and early 70's.) :)

So after our holiday he had conversations with each of them about me being gay and the struggles we've had. I hoped it would gain him a little more support. He also shared this with his longest standing friend who doesn't live near us. Their responses have been ok in general I guess. I suppose they are all a bit confused and worried for him.

His friend poo-poo'd it and said he really didn't understand how you can all of a sudden claim to be gay. (He has a gay son, a gay brother and a gay brother-in-law so he does understand gay. He just doesn't understand it in me I guess.)

We also had another conversation with my parents. My dad was just lost as to how my dh will be able to carry on living like this...but we are, and ATM it all feels a bit surreal....

 

My hubby asked our younger daughter if she thought I was going to leave him. This I know is his biggest fear... My daughter said 'no, she didn't think so, but dad, she said, if in life you're not happy then you need to do something about it.' Wise words from a 19 year old I thought. My h's reply.... 'But I am happy,'

I honestly don't think he can be but I suppose what he is saying is that he is happier with me than without me....

 

 

..........

 

This time last week I still felt so lost. So emotional and so up and down. Tess was feeling the pain of the emotions I was going through and it was hard....hard for us both.

 

To top all of this my dear dad has just been diagnosed with bowel cancer. He is awaiting results from his scan and then will have to have surgery. I know my hubby will be a huge support to my family through this and I now feel quite relieved we didn't come home from that dreadful holiday and tell everyone we were separating. It's funny how the time didn't seem right for us to split, fate held us together at that time and I'm grateful it did now. My mum isn't very independent and it will be a struggle my dad being so poorly. There will be a few tough months ahead I'm sure.

 

And so now this week has passed and all of a sudden life feels so much more calm. My hubby is more relaxed and I know that's down to me feeling more chilled inside. I'm feeling a bit more settled at home and Tess and I share a bond and a love that runs so deep I feel like the luckiest girl ever to have her. We both know our lives and our situation mean we have to keep on living two lives right now, but I think we have all somehow found a way to mingle those two lives perfectly.

It feels good for me that Tess is no secret in my life, even with my in-laws. It feels good to know that what we share and what we can manage to share is very much balanced and it feels very very good n special to have her hold my hand and my heart as she does. The love and understanding we have between us is like something you'd only ever expect to find in a dream I think.

 

And so now it all feels surreal. To think a month ago I was going to be sleeping alone in our single bed... Well I just couldn't in the end. I tried and I felt lost. I backtracked on that one almost immediately. Lol.

I've decorated my small room though. Bought myself some lovely new bedding and moved almost all my things in there. I'm using that small room as my space, my dressing room, my make up room and my room to escape to if the needs arises. 'My play room' hubby called it. ;)

 

..........

 

I said to my hubby last week... 'Maybe it's men that have the strength in a relationship when they are younger and then the balance changes and the woman gains more strength in herself when she is older....then it's her turn!!!'

I certainly feel stronger and more in tune with my feelings and my emotions. I feel very lucky right now and I feel looking back on the emotion of last month it has blurred into a mist that I'm struggling to see....that's pretty surreal if you ask me.

 

..........

 

I'm considering a job move too. I've been chasing a full time job that I think I'd love. I don't know if I'd be successful. I wasn't interviewed for the position even though I was a very suitable candidate. I've taken this up with my store manager as I feel I'm being 'held back'

I'm pressing hard to get myself an interview so I at least knew I was given a fair chance.

I'm a little surprised at the strength that I'm pushing for this but I'm also leaving it to fate too. I know working full time will be more difficult for me time wise but I can't somehow feel it's all part of my 'other hand'. All part of my journey and all part of the road ahead.

If I'm not successful then I know it wasn't meant to be....but I'm pushing hard all the same.

 

........

 

 

So that's me up to date... Thanks so much girls for reading this. You know Tess and I love to hear your comments if you have one. :)

Shy's still continues to be a huge support. And we are both grateful to have you all and this lovely forum.

 

 

Tess we get to have our weekend in Bath this coming weekend. I can get to show you just how lucky and how happy I feel to have you. Amazing how for us both life feels like a balanced see saw right now. Good job you've got such long legs. Hehe :D xxx

lacy tee

I've not blogged in ages, far too long it feels, but I've been busy. Busy with life, busy with my family and even busy looking at a possible career change. Ive also been busy spending time with my girlfriend. Not as much real face to face time as we'd like but busy with our almost daily calls and texts. We also had a lovely weekend away planned. Except I went and spoilt it by getting sick. :-/

 

We had a fabulous day and night away planned on this glorious Sunday in March. We met at Reading station and rode a train into London together. We enjoyed a romantic lunch at The Criterion, we later enjoyed sharing our love and our champagne, we then also enjoyed a jug of our favourite cocktail. We more than enjoyed sitting in a fab Italian restaurant sharing a delicious meal and a bottle of wine that evening. Oh and we enjoyed strolling the streets of Covent Garden and Soho. Holding hands and finding our steps match and our hearts beat as one, nothing feels more lovely, oh we do enjoy it so.

 

I woke the next morning feeling a touch hungover, a tiny bit queazy to say the least. Still I managed to enjoy what we enjoy best and I even managed to enjoy that almond croissant snuggled up in bed next to my gorgeous girl. The sweet memories of what we had shared the night before still fresh in my slightly foggy mind. It was unlike me to feel hungover, drunk on our shared love doesn't result in feeling like this I know...

 

Well Tess needed a haircut and I knew she couldn't possible wait and so I asked if she could wash her own hair as I really wasn't feeling great....

Well half way through trimming her locks I had to put those scissors down and rush to the bathroom. Never in all my years had this happened to me before.

Bless her cotton socks tho, she sat and patiently waited and wasn't at all worried about her half done hair do.... I did eventually manage to finish the job in hand though before just laying on our bed wishing this feeling would pass....

And so a slightly earlier than planned train home has us sit opposite a girl eating the biggest McDonalds I've ever seen. Omg, another first.... I had to dash to those awful train toilets where I was violently ill... Train toilets or not I couldn't get to them quick enough. Ugh what a day....

A quick goodbye was all we managed when Tess had to get off our train. "It was almost easier" she said, to say goodbye this way.... I sure don't want a repeat to make sure I thought. :D

 

And so our date was cut brutally short. We felt cheated and like we were short changed but this is life and for the first time in my life I was glad to get back and sink into my bed at home. Tess thank you, you did look after me beautifully and it's little things like this that bring you closer I'm sure.

 

For the first time ever I'd not written her a blog to capture our weekend, one to remember and one to forget too maybe. I was pretty poorly in the days that followed too. Certainly not like me to lose my appetite but that week I certainly did... It took me at least a week to feel anything like myself again and for that reason our next date just won't come soon enough.... ;)

 

 

............

 

 

And so this brings me to the very reason I wanted to blog...

 

You can't turn the clock back can you?.... I'm positive I don't want to either....thankfully I just don't want to....

I mean, imagine reading an old blog (copied below!)... Just imagine how you'd feel if you looked back and read your words and you felt sadly nostalgic.

Imagine how you'd feel if you felt like you wanted to jump back to a time where life felt frivolous and easy and where life just felt like one big 'barrel of beer' filled laughs....

 

( http://www.shybi.com/forums/index.php?app=blog&module=display&section=blog&blogid=1068&showentry=9088 )

.

But reading my old blog yesterday had me feel strong and happy at where I am today. It had me feel full of love for the girl that continues to hold my hand and my heart. The girl who I feel knows me inside out and whom I feel I can tell anything. Good bad and ugly I feel I can tell her anything....

 

Reading my old blog had me know I'm such a very different girl today to the one that wrote that blog back 'yesterday'....(it wasn't actually yesterday, but it was back in August 2013) The blog I read was of the time my daughter told my husband and I she was going to have a baby....Omg, that took the wind out of our sails and reading back to that carefree time I can see how different life was up to that point. The journey and the path that has followed that period in my life has been the most emotional ever you wouldn't believe.... but I wouldn't go back and erase it... And that is a fact :)

 

But I'm now stronger inside than ever I thought would be possible. I'm now out to sooooo many people you wouldn't believe (including my in-laws) and I'm so very grateful and still so in love with my girl I just know I'm blessed...

 

It's Tess's birthday this week and I want to take a moment to wish her a happy happy birthday. I have a nice treat in store next weekend babe and I can't wait to spoil you rotten. Thank you for always being here to hold my hand and with everything we've been through this past 18 months I think that touch of sickness on our date last month is the really all part of what makes what we share so special. Normal and real and very very special....

 

 

...........

 

 

Thanks girls for reading my blog. It's not the blog I initially wanted to write but maybe that one will follow.

 

I've not been around here as much as I'd like recently and I miss you all ....

But I'm here in spirit always. :)

 

Oh and as a side note, Tess and I have a weekend away planned. I want to take a moment to thank Milla (and ijm) for helping us with the purchase of a treat we have yet to enjoy.... *wink* :D

Xxxx

lacy tee

Well we made it, yes, we well and truly made it...

I'm thankful and I'm glad that we did, I somehow, at times, felt it was against all the odds, or was it?

So I'm sat here right now, on a flight home, a 12 hour flight back home from a weeks holiday I've shared with Phil. A holiday where we both were thankful to escape the UK. This was the week that was to 'celebrate' our 30th wedding anniversary. It wasn't exactly a 'celebration' but we made it all the same.

 

It seemed quite ironic that this holiday came together, without much conscious planning and was a repeat of the holiday we shared 5 years ago. The holiday where we really 'celebrated' in style our 25th wedding anniversary. Now that trip 5 years ago,was certainly a celebration to remember. :) That was the holiday that started me on my road to finding myself. The road that was to bring me to the place I'm in today.

 

The celebrations and the adventures we shared 5 years ago in Thailand was so far removed from the loss and emptiness I was feeling this trip, it's worse than tragic if I'm honest.

 

But we made it through this week and we are now going home with hope in our hearts that we can now honestly get along again, as friends. Friends who will actually like each other a little more. A little more than we have much of this past year or so anyway.

 

So four or five days into our holiday the strain was so great between us we were both feeling so very lost. He had given me a most lovely anniversary card. He had also posted on his fb a truly heartfelt anniversary message with an outpouring of his love for me, and I felt like I had nothing to offer him in return for his love. He continued to prove his love for me and I also felt his loss and continued denial at our situation.

 

But still we just couldn't talk or feel connected.

 

I was feeling every emotion except the one that he wanted me to feel, and I just felt so sad....

I really hated the way we were so very lost. To feel so alone and lonely in our marriage was killing me but I couldn't breath life back into it, I was totally helpless at putting anything back into us any more.....

 

He looked at me one lunch time as we left the beach, and I knew he was afraid to ask me if I was ok, but he asked me anyway. I think his words weren't conscious words, he was afraid to ask really, but those three little words left his lips .... I just looked back at him and sadly shook my head... 'No' Phil, 'I'm not' I said...but he didn't have to hear those words to know... I told him I was struggling and I couldn't continue.... :(

 

And so we cried a bit and we floundered a bit and we couldn't utter a single word to each other. I could see his mouth was dry and he couldn't swallow or speak, oh I know that feeling so well.

And me, I just felt numb.

The sadness and the strain that I saw in his face was heartbreaking :(

 

He had always told me that what we have is too good to lose. Our girls love us, our families love us, we have 36 years of shared love that would help 'us'. He can deal with us living as friends he had always said....he could cope with me having, and loving my girlfriend, he had said.

He was in denial though I know. He still wanted me to be his wife, and I was trying, trying and failing miserably at being that person I once was. The wife I was before 'all of this'....

 

In the end we were actually losing the ability to even like each other. Day after day, week after week, holiday after holiday I was struggling to live the life that we once enjoyed so beautifully. Waking each day and feeling the silence between us. The fact we just don't talk anymore. The struggle with forcing what was once so easy was taking its toll on us both. I could feel his sadness and I was unable to fill the void, the emptiness. I was hurting him like he never ever deserved to be hurt, but I just couldn't find a way to go back....I knew I had to live and truly embrace what was deep inside me.

 

What's love if there is no friendship I was asking myself. How can I be a loving 'wife' when we are in this place I can't turn back from? How can I be the mum and the daughter and the friend to those who love us both if I'm struggling so much with trying not to be truly me. With trying to not be the real me who has come to finally admit and embrace the fact that I am gay.

So I've accepted what's inside me now, and I think he finally has to too.

 

And so we talked of separation and letting go, and he cried. I cried too, my tears were for him, and for our girls, for our families, but I wasn't crying tears for me.

Deep inside I feel happy, and that sadly didn't help his tears. I knew he could now clearly feel what was inside me and he knew he had to finally face it.

 

After a few silent hours we went out and sat in a bar and watched the sun go down but the songs were too sad. We went to a restaurant and the songs were even sadder.

 

Just where was Lady Gaga when we most needed her?

 

Our tears were slipping from our eyes as the Beatles sang 'yesterday' or the guitarist sang 'Wonderful tonight'. But when we returned to our room we were finally able to hold each other and cry...

 

It was just too sad for words really, but we HAD both lost the ability to even feel like friends any more. But in my heart I know one day we will be far better friends than the husband and wife we were trying to be...

 

The next day came and we woke feeling closer than we had done in quite a long time. I'd finally found the strength to gain a bit more of my freedom. He had finally found a little strength to give it to me and we found ourselves smiling again. The last day of our holiday had us feeling a closeness that comes from having shared a mostly amazing 30 years of marriage. 30 years of wonderful memories that will always be there for us to look back upon when we find the need to. It was a perfect day of letting go...

 

And so we will go home from this anniversary trip, back to our families and we tell them that this holiday was a different sort of holiday. It was a holiday for us to find some way of changing what and who we are...I hope he can find his strength to share with family and friends that we are no longer a couple in the way we always were. That we are living just as friends now and it's different. He can see now that it's my 'gayness' that is the reason we cant continue the way we were and I think now he can finally, honestly see that.

 

We will both stay in our house for the time being. I'm going to move into the spare room. I know I will enjoy the tranquility and the freedom that bit of space will give me. I know this will be the thing that finally helps him truly accept that I'm here as his friend as I can't honestly be a wife to him anymore, not the sort of wife that he truly deserves.

 

This holiday will be remembered by us both for many reasons I'm sure. For me, I will look back upon this holiday like I will the very first holiday I spent in Patong. I know this trip marked the end of this chapter for me and once I'm on UK land I'm starting a whole new era. I'm looking ahead with an excitement and a confidence in what and who I am...

 

 

.......

 

 

As a footnote, it was hard being away this week, with the time difference and the lack of good wifi I missed Tess hugely. Sometimes things are for a reason though and I think missing each other is all part of our journey. Tess I missed you like crazy but you were never far from my mind.

I had chance to read a novel too. That helped me somehow. 'She is Me' by Cathleen Schine' was the story of a 53 year old woman who had been married for 33 years and found herself in love with a woman. For 33 years she had never complained, then she found herself....

 

 

It may be a slightly tricky, very emotional week or two ahead for Phil and I. I'm sure that it will take a bit of practice getting the words right to explain to certain people just where we are right now but I'm pretty confident that with a bit of practice we, and especially he can get it right.

 

..........

 

So Tess, absence makes the heart grow stronger, or so they say... I believe that somehow. It's now only a week till we get to meet again and I'm counting the days and nights till I can put my head on your shoulder and just let our emotions wash away as we find that bubble, our bubble that we are so longing for again. I love you sweetie <3

 

lacy tee

It's been five years since I first stepped foot in this land of smiles.

Land of smiles.... That's what they call Thailand, the country where everybody smiles, and they do...

 

Five years....

 

So who's smiling now?

Well today it's my 30th wedding anniversary and it's a sad feeling I have inside. Phil is trying so hard to keep things together and assure me things are fine, everything's fine, but it's not. Inside me I know it's not.

I'm crazy in love with my girlfriend and so I know it's really not!

 

Five years ago I came to this crazy place called Thailand and I loved it. Every single minute of this heady craziness I loved.

But what I saw back then is nothing like what I see now.

 

Sadly It's not Thailand that's changed its me....

Just five years ago I couldn't get enough of the noise and the heat and the atmosphere. The vibrancy and the smiles were what I saw...and I loved it

 

Now, sadly I see beyond the smiles, but I know it's not those smiles that have changed, it's me...

 

The streets are dirty and so smelly and so so broken....

The way it's broken is not a fault, it's the way it is... I used to love this broken land so much you wouldn't belive. ...

Did I ever really love it quite as much as I did? I think I did, well I know I did actually ....

 

Once I used to love the noisiest, liveliest bars and staying out so late my daughters would have been saddened at me....

Restaurants with wobbly plastic chairs, tablecloths with holes burnt through and fried Thai noodles or rice served on a chipped, scratched melamine plate once held so much appeal to me.

 

Just when did my tastes come down to this?

 

Chipped, scratched plates and those grubby floors now kind of make my skin crawl....

 

I know it's nobody's fault, this is Thailand, the way it is. The way I now see it's flaws and faults are due to the fault inside me. (Or is it a fault inside me? I'm not so sure!!!)

 

So now I'm here to spend a week that will help me avoid the families smiles as we 'celebrate' our slightly broken 30th anniversary and I don't know how I feel.

 

Dirty streets, chipped, scratched plates and broken pavements now hold no appeal. Street food, no matter how delicious is not tempting me anymore.

Noisy bars just have me feel so lonely.

It's impossible to talk to anyone when Lady Gaga or whoever is singing her heart out.

Sitting in these bars with a whirring broken fan and a warm beer I just wonder exactly when it lost its appeal....

 

Maybe it's been a gradual change in me over the last two years, but somehow this land of smiles was the beginning.

The very start of just what really has changed me. :)

 

Tess I miss you.... Not sure what else to say, but I miss you xxx

lacy tee

Fifty shades seemed like my perfect excuse, our perfect excuse to steal yet another weekend away. A weekend where we could spend together to just indulge and spoil and enjoy all that we enjoy when we steal these moments, these days, these weekends away...

 

This weekend followed yet another difficult week for my husband, for my marriage, for us as a couple.

Tuesday night I'd come home from work. I had annoyed 'him' and he fell into 3 days of silence. I just don't do silence...well I didn't used to.... Nowadays I do silence quite well it seems. I really am not there to lift his gloom like I used to, like I always have done....

And so from Tuesday till Friday we spent our days in silence.

On Thursday night, for the second time this year I took myself to 'our single bed'... I had just had enough of silence....

Friday morning came and we confronted the silence. I asked him 'what's up?'

And so we had yet another day of discussion... A day to find another way of trying to find our path forward with this. He truly understands the GAY thing but he doesn't want to lose me... I'm trying to understand the GAY thing while really not wanting to hurt him.

He is really thinking hard about telling more chosen people about 'me'. Sharing and telling more chosen people about our situation. Living as friends and me having 'a girl friend'.... I'm not sure he has the words totally worked out in his mind but I have to trust his compassion and understanding to let him find the words for himself.

In my mind, him sharing where we are as a couple, and sharing where I am as his 'wife' will be the next step in his path to let a bit more of me go. He openly expresses to me he doesn't want to lose me. He is sad and remorseful of his moods and wonders if he is depressed.... (Hum, yes he must be depressed, who wouldn't be! If I could help him I truly would but I cant. He has to help himself more here I know.)

But the truth and the crux of this is that he is a straight man who is married to a girl who has discovered she is gay... So for here and now we talk, we cry, we help each other with this journey into the unknown. We've talked about the different scenarios of us separating and I honestly just know we will both get to a better place one day.....sometime not a million years from now.....

 

............

Fifty shades of Grey was a perfect excuse to steal a weekend away for us both. A great excuse to do what women everywhere are doing. Enjoying a fun film that will light a spark maybe....

.......or maybe not in our case...:)

 

Tess and I held no expectations for the movie but it seemed like a great idea to escape for our weekend date.... And it was, except we both cringed at the so called 'sexy bits'. It was so not sexy.... He was so not sexy.... Nope, Mr Grey, in all his six pack glory was so not for us, but somehow we loved it. Yep, we loved the fim...We enjoyed it, we loved our date and we both somehow knew it sealed the certainty that we really both only have eyes, and feelings, and desires for each other....but there aren't any surprises for you girls reading that now is there?

 

Film over and all checked into our fav Covent Garden hotel where we had a quick chance to 'make up' and dress up before heading out for a glass or two of Pornstar. Such a delicious cocktail in one of our fav gay bars. It's just so amazing sitting here. Chatting, laughing and drinking while we are able to kiss and hold hands so openly. It feels so natural. So easy and so relaxed. She doesn't worry when I talk to a stranger. I'm trying to explain to the guy about the 'happy hour'. Poor man, he is lost on my explanation, and we all end up laughing... I'm sat here thinking how before, in my 'other life' I'd have been cursed and frowned at a bit.... Just breaking into random conversations with strangers....really?....

I just love that she embraces my 'faults' in this way... I was only trying, and failing at trying to help.

It's such a different feeling being loved in the way that she loves me.

 

Duck confit and delicious wine sat in a restaurant where we were in full view of the busy street of Soho. How can it get more perfect than this we ask? It can't really.... Can it?

 

........

 

Monday morning is soon upon us, and we relish in the long lazy hours where we can lay entwined in each other.

 

I'd brought a book to read and I wanted to spend some time reading to her. I know she loves it when I read to her.

And so I read some extracts of my book to her, stories of girls who have found themselves in 'this situation'

This situation, our situation, of being married to men who they/we love and yet now finding themselves/ourselves unable to hide from finding our true self, our true 'gay' self....

 

And so we laid together, our limbs entwined. I read to her story after story of girls who have found and finally embraced their sexuality. And I cried, as I was reading I cried, I usually cry.... The emotion and the sadness and the joy all entwined in the reality of our situation, in her situation, in the situation of the women who's stories are there in print in my book.....

 

But hand on my heart I feel, I know Tess and my journey is entwined. Our tears, (well my tears) take us on a path where we are both headed. Unable to turn back, unwilling to turn back, even though we know the path ahead is more than a little bumpy, where it's scary even, we know we are on a path that the U turn is impossible.

We are holding each other's hands, but most importantly we are holding each other's hearts. We tentatively take step by tentative step.....and I'm smiling.....

 

..........

 

And so I thank you My Grey... Thanks to you my skies are not so grey, they are in fact very beautifully blue. There is a silver lining that shines brighter, much brighter than you. Thank you Mr Grey for giving us the perfect excuse for another most perfect weekend away...

 

.........

 

 

Sidenote:

We did stop and shop for a sexy purchase but sadly didn't find anything to match our needs.

It was fun looking though and we will be sure update you once we've found something to match our needs ;) xx

 

Thanks for reading. Thanks shy girls everywhere. We both appreciate you so much. Xx

lacy tee

Saturdays off are not as often as I'd want nowadays but this weekend was totally unplanned.

I've a weekend off I told him. A Saturday where I'm not at work...

There is this bar in Shoreditch that we've frequented often before, and it's closing down soon we've heard ...

 

And so we booked a hotel for the Friday night. A nice night out like we've done so often in the past...

 

The last few trips to London we've had together have left us both feeling rather blah....distant and blah :(

 

And this weekend came upon us at a time I was missing her so... Tess and I are so close now it feels I miss her so.... It's a time where we are just getting closer and closer and where we know where we want to go.... ;)

 

But this weekend away with my dh had me the chance to say to him

the things that were on my mind....

How finding my inner feelings were tough but I couldn't run away from them and how just how I really am....,

I'm gay, he's heard it often before.... But has he really heard it I ask?

 

I've told him I want to find him a book to read....

A book on how my mind may work now that I'm comfortable being me....

Now I'm comfortable with being gay

 

I asked him to reverse the scenario.... Imagine a married man coming out to his wife as gay... I told him how tough it is and I'd like to find him some help in truly understanding me...

I've also believed him when he told me he is happy letting me go....

 

.........

 

And so we sat in the O Bar on this Saturday afternoon, where I wished she were there. We ordered a cocktail each and laughed at how GAY he looked with his pink drink in his hand, knowing he was a zero on the kinsley scale.

 

And so we came away from this weekend with him knowing he needs to let me go a little more

.....

and in truth I feel he believes it.... In truth I hope he does because he has to..... in truth he has to because I love her so xx

 

Oh and I forgot to say.... I found TWO pennies on Friday and THREE on the Saturday. This has me smile because I can never ever doubt my path because this, these pennies, are the sign I need to tell me I'm doing fine....

lacy tee

Well what better way is there than to spend (a slightly late) Valentine's Day in Reading having a 'bed' picnic and sharing a bottle of wine. Not much better way idt.... Well unless we had a week in the Maldives on a very very very secluded Island of course. ;)

 

Well we did have a discussion about the whole 'seculded' bit while we were having our 'bed' picnic and yes we both decided 'seculded' was definitely for us.... I mean we both love vibrant and busy, and we both love noisy and fun but somehow what we've found and what we share has us both dream and long for seculded too and one day Tessa D I'm going to The Maldives with you....

 

And so today we shared our cards, mine with writting you could barely read, pink pen on pink paper needs great eyesight we decided and your card with a cute pink pig on the front....Are you calling me a piggy Tessa D???

I know I always steal all the chocolates and sneak some extra crisps, but you do wear me out you know and so I need the extra energy that sugar rush gives me to keep up with you.... ;)

 

And so today we shared those special gifts and we shared more special moments ;) and so so many more hours laughing than we've shared in ages and ages and ages....

Well more than we've shared in the last two weeks since London I guess....we really did laugh together sooooooo much today though didn't we?

 

And in between the sharing of cards and gifts and laughs and enough love to give us enough strength to move a mountain we managed a few quiet moments to lay and think and breathe and just fit together like we are two pieces from a jig saw puzzle. That how it feels when we lay, arms and legs entwined...like the piece of the puzzle that eluded us all of those years before has now been found... And so here we had chance to lay and just fit....like the missing piece is missing no longer...

 

 

And so today, when things are 'heated' she decides, in her wisdom, that maybe we should have a STOP word. Oh this really made me laugh so much. The memory of THAT moment made us both laugh and laugh and laugh so much actually....In fact I really don't think we've ever laughed so much as we did today.... It's really has been a very special, full of fun day

 

The thing is Tessa D I really don't think that STOP word would have saved my 'broken nose' somehow, because I really don't think I'd have used it do you? ;)

 

And so today came to a close and we stop for a drink before heading to our train station. We were sharing a platform today and I was able to wave you off and as your train slowly disappeared out of sight....

 

Today I didn't feel sad or empty or lost because today I stood there as I waved you off I just knew.... I just know that the best is yet to come..... IllyTD, you are very very special to me. Xoxox <3

lacy tee

Its been a tough week for my husband this past week. Tougher than he deserves for sure, but the more I move forward and the more I read and discover about this situation I've found myself in the more I realise he is not alone. For any person to have to face their partner coming out as gay throws so many difficult emotions into their life. In a way this must be much harder for him than for me.

 

He had a meltdown last week, the support and replies to my blog about this were amazing girls, so thank you for your words.

I am tiring of his struggles a little I think which is very sad. I see his struggles almost as a denial of my sexuality mostly.

He thinks I'm mostly here just enjoying life and having some girly fun I think. He doesn't truly think I'm gay because together we've always had some form of sex life and we get on well. Our sex life really took off a few years ago....I've told him this was due to the change in me and due to me truly discovering myself sexually.

 

It's not due to hormones or the menopause or any of those things.... It's honestly not....

 

And so last week I suggest we do the Kinsley Test. He sat and answered the question honestly. We discussed the scenarios of certain questions and he answered honestly. His score was an unsurprising ZERO... Yes, no surprises there.

So he sat with me and I did the test. We discussed a few scenarios again and I answered honestly....

My score was a FOUR....

I think he thought a four was still quite BI tbh and I'm really not sure that result sank in totally but in my mind I know a 4 is pretty gay on the scale of things....plus I know what I feel inside....

 

That is proof enough for me to know that my marriage isn't what it should be because I'm facing and actually embracing my sexuality....

So the Kinsley test led me onto trying to find a few support websites he may find useful. It wasn't so easy to find something that would help him tbh. I did however read one post where a guy had to face his up to his wife coming out as gay. The words on his post that struck me the most was that his wife had always claimed he was her best friend. He had said they'd always been proud of the friendship they had shared...this struck such a cord with me. My dh and I have always been best friends...we've always got along and we've never really had ups and downs within our 30 year marriage. But it has been a friendship....now that friendship is struggling due to my sexuality... This guy also said that many of their friends and acquaintances envied their marriage.... I know this is something my dh has said to me on more than one occasion, he has said people envy us and our marriage...

I'm more a realist I think and I know life often isn't what it appears on the outside....or maybe that's because it's what I feel on the inside that not what appears on the outside....food for thought eh?

 

...........

 

And so this week has been a tough week which became even tougher for him with all of the love and romance that was thrust upon us from every angle imaginable. I was finding it quite funny, I've always been such a romantic soul. I'm emotional and I just love giving and receiving gestures of love. Valentine's Day has always been wasted on us though. He has never 'done' Valentine's Day as its not something husbands and wives 'do' is it, he's always claimed. It's just fun for those who have 'secret' lovers or admirers. Occasionally I've had a something jotted on a homemade card but generally Valentine's Day comes and goes almost unnoticed in our house....until this year....boy he noticed it this year. I could see the pain etched in his face as he witnessed so much love and romance all around. I could almost see how many years of wasted opportunities to romance and woo me were regretted in his eyes. Valentine's day this year was almost painful for him and I felt his pain... One good thing came from this day though. Our eldest daughter, who is very much like her dad left him a really lovely message on fb saying he will always be her no.1. This is so not like her and I think it made him feel almost teary....he's really never been used to this much emotion so close to the surface and I'm not used to seeing it either....

 

............

 

 

 

Finally, my youngest daughter is more like me. She is open and more in tune with my emotions. She will occasionally ask about Tess and will not avoid the subject of me having a girlfriend.

This week I asked her to describe me in one word. Lilac had posted a topic (I've yet to respond to it, sorry lilac)

So my daughter's first word was 'emotional'. She added, 'good emotional' though mum. You are always happy, fun, smiling or crying she said. This made me smile even more tbh as its very true...

Two minutes later she came to the top if the stairs and shouted to me...

"Mum, I think you're inspirational!" She went on to say I've inspired her and she said she like to be like me when she's older. I think facing my sexuality and coming out to her and her sister a month ago has made her very proud of me....and I know whatever happens in life she will always know how I couldn't just ignore what's inside me.... I'm very proud of her too and I love the way she feels and shows emotion in the very same way that I do....

 

...........

 

So I'm sat on my train right now, heading up to see Tess for the day. A day for us to just find our bubble. We will have a few hours to indulge each other and be as romantic as we want as today is our Valentine's day. Im lucky to have such a wonderful girlfriend and I can't wait to share today with you sweetie.

Happy (slightly late) Valentine's day. Can't wait.... Illy xoxox