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A Blog of My Interesting Imperfect Life

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BellaMynx

Greetings, ladies, 

As the year 2018 begins, I spent some time to myself reading at my leisure and conversing with my husband. I had forgotten what it was like to sit and breathe in and out. I was so preoccupied with deadlines, schedules, grad school,  work,  and whether or not I would go on another date. I consumed myself with everything that had to be done that wasn't done yet. 

My therapist was right! In a session, where I was complaining about how I felt my life was going down in a twisted spiral of dep. She stopped me and said, "to hell with everything! Take care of yourself! You're important!" She continued to say that I was spending my life caring about everything and everyone else except for myself. I placed too much focus on too many things and that I was ignoring myself. My health was fading because of this. So she told me that we had to come up with some strategies to help me take care of myself. This was November...

It sank in finally from December 31, 2018, and through today. 

It's time to look out for myself and chill out. It is a work in process, but I know it is doable. I actually spent time reading! I never get to read for pleasure due to my grad studies. This also means that I need to be more organized in how I move from day to day. I start work tomorrow; being a teacher in graduate school is hard work! However, it is not impossible to do. I know that I can manage my time to where I have enough time to prepare lessons for my students, read for graduate studies, and spend time to myself (exercise, reading, doing things I love). There are 24 hours in a day. Teaching can present unpredictable after school business stuff. I am lucky to work at a place where even if I stay late, I won't get home too late. That means I can come home and de-stress from all the craziness from work and do some meditation of some sort. There is where my leisure time comes in. I can also take care of my studies and not go overboard. 

Still, I can play around with it. I'm not going to be so rigid that I cant fluctuate my time. This is how my anxiety gets triggered. I am a perfectionist. I have this idea of what something should look like, and if I do not meet that idea, I get depressed and give up completely. So I need to tell myself, "Oh, even though you didn't get to do this, you're still a good person, and you will have time to do it."

Anyway, I will spend this year calming the hell down, not making other people's emergencies my emergency, take care of myself in all definitions that this entails, and spend time enjoying life. I want to live in the present. I don't want to worry about the future. If I take care of myself today, I won't have to worry about the future because I will have already been prepared. 

Just random thoughts,

Namaste

Bella

BellaMynx

Never again...

*Warning, this blog will contain content that deals with polyamory. If you are not open to polyamory or don't practice it, I don't want to hear from you. Yes, we are free to do whatever we want, but you're not going to help me. Please carry on.*

*Second warning: there will be gratuitous use of the f-word. If you do not like the f-word, Then, do not proceed." 

I don't think I will never disclose any information about any of my secondary relationships to any of my monogamous friends who aren't open to poly. I have one friend who is open and does not judge me or tell me "why don't you spend more time with your husband" or "be glad you still have your husband." She listens to me, and she understands my feelings! I only have one of her, and I can't just unload on her because she's all I've got! 

Back to the statement: "why not just focus on your husband and don't even worry about finding another partner?" 

Are you fucking kidding me? When did I ever mention that something was wrong with my husband? Why do people even bring him into the conversation when he isn't part of the problem??? Why do people do that? This is some heteronormative and mono-normative (I know there is a word for it, but I can't think of it right now) type bullshit! Honestly! It is statements like these that push me to the point where I don't have patience when talking to someone who is not familiar with polyamory. 

I am upset that every external partner I have attempted to go out with has flaked out on me. My husband has been nothing but supportive! He and I spend a lot of time together! A lot! He and I talk together! Our love life is beautiful. Do I miss him when he is at work? Absolutely, I do! Who wouldn't miss their husband? If I didn't, then there might be a problem; however, there is no problem with our goddamn relationship? Why do people feel like they have to fucking tell me to spend MORE time with my husband?!?! I DO spend time with him! We spend a lot of time together! Every week! Every weekend! Why do people think that I have problems with my primary marriage?! WE ARE ABOUT AS NORMAL AS EVERY OTHER MARRIED COUPLE! For fuck's sake!

Why? Why do people assume that there are problems with your primary relationship? The secondary partner isn't an imaginary person! They existed too! 

I can't be pissed or sad because I lost my second partner? I'm supposed to be numb about this whole other person not here in my life anymore???? So mono-normative of that!!! Ugh! That second partner meant something to me! I'm not just going to pretend that she didn't exist! That is horrible! That is a disservice to another human being, granted she pissed me off, but I cared about her! I still do and that is what pisses me off even more about it! Ughhhhh!

She pisses me off that she gave up before the relationship could even have a chance! I'm so angry at her. She was so good. So good. Damn it! I can't even talk to anyone else about it. She even lived SO CLOSE to me!!!! I'm not going to talk about her to my husband because he will get very protective of me and just say mean things about her, and I don't want to hear that. Lol! This is what I love about him. He defends me to no end. I appreciate him and I love him so much. 

*cries on the floor*

My phone is in the other room because I do not want to hear the notifications from my friend who thoroughly pissed me off. Just the mere mentioning of them advising me to "spend more time with my husband" and they've never even spent time with me to know that I do spend plenty of time with him makes me want to slap them. My god. I'm done! Fucking done. I'm going to go to bed. I need to go to my corner and think about all the things I've said. 

I'm not asking for advice. 

I am just venting. That's all. 

I'm not looking for anything. 

HOWEVER,

If you are poly, know a lot about polyamory, and STILL practice, or you have some encouraging words that have kept you strong and active in polyamorous living, I'm not opposed to seeing them. 

Later,

Bella

P.S. My apologies for the cursing, but I'm utterly pissed off because I lost my secondary partner because she just...I can't even get into it because there will be a fucking novel here. 

BellaMynx

Note: I said I WANT a girlfriend. I can survive without another partner, but I would like to have one.

 

Honestly, and I know I keep going back and forth with this, but if she wanted a triad, I'd give it a thought. I don't know if I want another triad after being burned by the last woman. She totally went about it the wrong way. Right now, I'd rather have a V-type poly relationship. V dynamics work well. All these men keep talking to me, and I'm like, "ugh...bugger off!" Forgive my language. Anyway, I'm so irritated that women don't see me in a romantic way. Especially ones in my area. It's like I'm the cool person to hang out with, but not a girlfriend. I sound like a single guy who has been friend zoned several times (if the term friend zone bothers you, then you and I have totally different meanings for the word). 

My last girlfriend lived in the perfect location. She was only 30 minutes away from me, and she understood my wants and needs, and she wanted to make sure I was happy. Why did we break up? She did not have time for me, and she felt horrible for it. I told her that I would be open if we met later on in life at the right time. So there's that, but I'm not putting all my eggs in one basket either. I am looking online and offline and it just...ugh. Oh well.The story of my life. I end up finding the unavailable ones that want to be in a relationship or they don't know what they want and have never met someone who was sure of what they wanted. That's what I'm famous for. I tell you the truth that I'm looking for a relationship, and that I'm serious. Apparently, seriousness is a turn-off. Well, I don't do bullshit or games. I've tried to play the game, but my ex-girlfriend understood me. She admired my honesty and stated that people aren't used to being told the truth in such a way. They mistaken it as being too much, she took it as being up front. Now I know I'm not crazy. I mean what I say and say what I mean. 

Anyway, sitting here feeling not so pretty and listening to "Blue" by A Perfect Circle now. I guess I'll go play a game. 

Namaste, ladies,

Bella 

BellaMynx

Good day, ladies!

It's been a long time since I've been sort of on hiatus from Shys. Certain things were draining the life out of me, and I finally I can breathe! A few things happened, and things are starting to turn up for the first time. 

New Job

I had been trying to get into this other district that is very hard to get into. I met someone on another website, and she and I had become friends. She essentially helped me get the job, and I am forever grateful to her. I swear, she's getting a NOICE Christmas present. He he! I'm so glad that I get to work with a good friend. It's been a long time since I've worked with a friend at work whom I kinda feel safe with. I don't trust people easily, but I think she might be someone I whom I can rely upon to help me. So that's great. 

Relationship Flubs

As many of you have figured out by now, those of you who keep up with my love life drama, my girlfriend and I broke up. I learned a valuable lesson: long distance relationships (LDR) do not work unless both parties are equally dedicated. I was working so much for someone who did not value my time. It took eight months and a $400 plane ticket for me to realize that. She even treated me horribly, as in she didn't give me much attention. She essentially told me that I was not good enough for her and that because of that, she wasn't able to spend time with me. It was interesting because her husband and I got along very well. So...there is that. 

I also had a boyfriend whom I left because he didn't place me as a priority in his life. Enough said. I won't dwell on him. 

Relationship Wins

I met a new gentleman who is very kind to me, and we just started dating. Hopefully, he will stay around. He's very sweet to me and treats me like a queen. He is willing to come to me instead of me going to him. He always tells me about how beautiful I am and the funny thing is that he is a lot like my husband. He he! My husband and I are going great as always. I still love him so much. 

Extracurriculars

School has been going quite well. I'm going to school to get my degree in Clinical Mental Health Counseling, and it is a rather enjoyable and rewarding experience. It's gotten me to look into my life and notice many things. I can't wait to get my license to practice! I plan on advocating a lot for bisexual and pansexual people. We need all the support we can get. I'm also an admin for a kinky group of bi women too. I'm quite proud that I've had this position for quite a while. That has also kept me busy. 

 

I'm looking forward to popping into groups and saying hello!

Take care, ladies,

Bella

BellaMynx

Good evening, ladies,

 

It's been a long time since I've been on here. I hope some of my friends are still on here. I'm open to making new friends. Well, here is an update:

 

I'm in school for counseling and have barely any time to get on and chat.

I JUST broke up with my girlfriend today! April 2, 2017 20:13. I'm trying not to be bitter, but we just weren't a right fit. Will I try again, I have no idea. Right now, I just want to crawl into a hole.

 

I'm ready for my summer vacation.

 

There, short and sweet. I'm alive. I'm ok.

 

Good news, though. I have a fitbit; I'm going to be taking care of myself!

 

Bella

BellaMynx

No, I'm Not Ok...

This is not fair and I hate this shit. I don't like how I've had this shit luck with everything and I'm not even doing anything wrong!

 

I swear I'm so fucking tired of it and I wish it would all go away. I'm certainly not ok with this. Some sick, twisted, and sadistic being hates me and thoroughly enjoys playing with my heart like that.

 

They're essentially treating my heart as if it were a yo-yo and slinging it back and forth. With every sling, parts of my heart rip.

 

I've grown weary of this and I want off this fucking roller coaster. I can't find anyone in my city and shit is going down this twisted spiral of doom. FML. I hate that this happens to me every time I try it again after constant rejection or people just plain ignoring me. Ugh...

 

*This post has been edited because...I care about English and stuff.*

BellaMynx

Desert Land

I'm wilting and my roots are searching for the water it thirsts for.

My fragrance is fading as I look at the desert around me.

The oasis is nowhere to be seen.

 

Instead, a mirage has shown itself and I look toward it as though it would come near me.

I can't believe that I fell for it again.

Every time you say you'd see me,

You'd come up with an excuse not to.

 

Every time you say you'd call,

somehow something else gets in the way.

You're tired.

I'm tired.

We're both tired.

 

I'm seeing the realization of what I have to do and yet again I have to

Embarrassed, I try to uproot myself from this desert prison I willingly place myself in.

The soil is no longer fertile...or was it even fertile to begin with?

I allowed myself to be fooled yet again.

 

Am I an idiot?

What the hell is wrong with me?

Did I rub the lamp the wrong way?

Did the genie trick me?

 

It was a serpent that bit me,

Which gave me these illusions because

The poison that went through to my head

Got me thinking you were actually

 

Good for me.

 

Instead,

You are sucking the life out

Of me and claiming it is

Because of your sickness.

 

Why do I try anymore?

Why do I allow myself to believe in anything?

This nihilistic view is looking more appealing.

It makes more sense.

 

Why believe in anything at all

When everything has blown up in my face

Over and over again

No matter how much I try?

 

I'm already dead.

 

Bella

BellaMynx

Illness Or Neglect

Blurry

 

When is it neglect?

 

When is it your mental illness?

 

When is it both?

 

I'm tired of neglecting my needs and catering to yours.

 

My open-mindedness had exploded in my face. My devotion to you has turned into stepping on eggshells, but the shells are now piercing my skin.

 

When is it part of what you go through on a daily basis, or the part where you can't control it or fight it? When do you need me? When do I fight for myself?

 

When is it selfish of me to think of myself?

 

When is it time for me to speak up and let you know that I'm tired of giving you space when really I need to close this gap between us...or separate myself?

 

These lines are so blurry and perhaps the cloth I'm cleaning my glasses with leave smudges that distort what our relationship really looks like.

 

I have no earthly idea.

 

I'm frustrated.

I'm caving in.

I am afraid to tell you.

 

But I'm afraid that if I don't tell you, my vision will go from blurry to gone.

 

Then you won't have to tell me to leave you alone.

 

I would have already left without a trace...

 

Bella

BellaMynx

As I am dating this gentleman who is older than I am, I am realizing a huge difference between our ages. He is 12 years my senior and although I don't consider that to be very huge, that is still 12 years apart. A lot has happened between our years that would be considered a significant difference. How I speak to people my age versus speaking to him is significantly different. Certain things he says I'm kind of like, "ok really? it is not that crucial," and then he turns around and does the same thing to me.

 

We got into a bit of a fuss--I call it a fuss because it is not that crucial and I thought it was quite ridiculous that he got angry at this--and then I realized quickly that I have to speak to him differently regardless of how I feel even if I like this guy. It's weird. I haven't dated this man for that long and I'm already thinking about this.

 

This other guy that I'm about to dump is all of 24 years old making me 9 years his senior. I've realized that I cannot put up with his childishness because he blatantly asked me to text a picture of my boobs and I told him that I don't want to do that yet. I have no qualms about sending that to him, but not until we really got comfortable with each other. Yeah...no...he's still asking. No more fun time with me. He is way too immature and he has no idea how polyamory works. No earthly idea and I realized that our relationship was purely sexual. It's like no.

 

My girlfriend, who is two years my junior is so mature and she and I have a beautiful relationship. I really love her and I can't wait to meet her next semester. Although she and I have had our arguments and our fair share of getting angry at each other, I remember my love for her and she is just so wonderful.

 

My husband and I are the same age. We're only 9 months apart. He and I see eye to eye on 90% of the things out there. I love him dearly and I really enjoy talking to him and he gets me. This is why I love him and I'll never leave him.

 

Age and dating...it's weird. LOL!

 

Namaste

BellaMynx

Last Free Weekend!

I am such a nerd that I decided to pursue a second master's degree. I'm going to attend Walden University and pursue my Master's in School Counseling in Academic Advising. I wish to do this because of a few reasons:

 

1. I was on a detour since my Bachelor's in Psychology.

2. My students have helped me make this decision that I belong in counseling.

3. I'm sick of teaching in a classroom; I feel I'm needed elsewhere.

 

When I completed my undergrad in Psychology, I really wanted to be a therapist. My academic advisor failed to mention that a Bachelor's degree in Psychology was pretty much a dead stop in the professional world. It was essentially a basket weaving degree unless you planned on going through and getting a Masters degree and risk being unemployed for a few years until you got a good break.

 

So...what did I do?

 

Besides cursing up a storm and feeling like a failure, I went into teaching. I was tricked by my dad! LMAO! I love my father, rest his soul, but he pissed me off because, after the first two years of teaching, I bitterly hated doing it. After year 3, that was when I thought back to my original dream. I wanted to help people who felt like they had no one to go to. I was essentially doing that with my students. They'd come to me for a lot of the things that many adults tend to overlook and think "it's just a phase." They're in middle school! It's a big deal for them! Why not acknowledge that for them and help them deal? Several students tended to tell me that they often preferred talking to me rather than the other counselors—or even their parents! Of course, I'd tell them the only reason why their parents were tough on them was because they wanted the best for them. I told them to give their parents a chance and try to understand that it's all for their benefit. Sure, I also acknowledge that sometimes parents can say things that might hurt, and they have a right to feel hurt, but to understand that it is meant to protect. Yeah, my father said some fucked up things to me, but as an adult, I see why...but it still hurt. Perhaps he didn't know a better way to tell me. As an adult, I see that he meant to prevent me from dealing with harsher consequences.

 

During my 4th year of teaching, I decided that I'd waited long enough. I was going to pursue this path into becoming a therapist. Instead of therapy, I decided that a counselor would be better. I'd start with working at the high school level or at a community college, then move into a university. I would love to work at my alma mater and help the students there. I'd love to do that because I think it would feel like I'm giving back. If not, there is a community college up the road I can try. :P

 

I think this is the right path for me because I feel comfortable. I feel this is where I will belong. I've essentially followed in my father's footsteps without even realizing it. Lol! I am my father's daughter although we weren't really super close.

 

Well, I wish myself luck in this endeavor and I know that I'll learn a lot of cool things. I am very excited. :D

 

Namaste,

Bella

BellaMynx

This song:

 

I'm about to cry because it speaks deeply of what I've experienced in the past months. Read these lyrics. They're powerful.

 

Drift

by Alina Baraz & Galimatias

 

I only miss you when the sun goes down.

Oh, your voice is my favorite sound.

Swaying like the palm trees

You and me, we're poetry

Painting stories with our lips.

 

You're like a wave washing over me,

Pulling under me underneath

Sinking slowly.

 

You're like a wave washing over me

I'll stay underneath

Drifting slowly.

 

Foreign feelings that I can't ignore.

Oh I've never felt like this before

What's a king without a queen?

You could be my everything

Can't you see?

 

You're like a wave washing over me

Pulling me underneath

Sinking slowly.

 

You're like a wave washing over me

I'll stay underneath

Drifting slowly...

 

The violin sings until the end of the song.

 

It's over. I need to move forward and use the past as an example of what not to look for in the future. She missed out on something good and the way it was handled was not the best. It's ok. I hope she found what she was looking for because the door is closed on this side and locked with the key thrown into the sun where it shall be melted and no copy can be made. I've learned my lesson and I will use that to grow.

 

People are afraid of the love I give because they see that it does not waiver. If you can't handle my ability to love you unconditionally and strongly, then I'm not the right one for you and don't jump into something you're not sure of only to hurt me in the process. I'll never do that again and I will not allow that to disrupt the flow in my life. So after today, it will be as if your footprints in my mind have been washed away at the shore and you will cease to exist.

 

Goodbye.

 

Bella

BellaMynx

Recently, my hubby and I opened up our marriage fully. We are now fully poly instead of partial. I brought it to his attention that he was being unfair and ridiculous by denying a large chunk of my sexuality. I kept constantly telling him that I would never leave him and that we're partners for life. It finally got through, although he bitched a little, he finally knocked down our Berlin wall!

 

WELL

 

I believe I have my first date...with a man.

 

I'm both excited and a bit irritated. For me, it takes an act of Congress to get a date with a women. With men, all I have to do is stick my toe out in the street and they'll come flocking to me. It's annoying. Apparently, women are difficult for me to meet...even online. I swear they're allergic to me. Lololol.

 

I'm also freaking out because it's been a good 10 years since I've had a date with another man. I'm looking in my closet and I have nothing. I'm on a budget, and I do have some clothes, but I'm like a teenager, "Omg, I have nothing!!! " lmao! Anyway, I'm sitting here drinking coffee and thinking. Lol, and we're going to a coffee bar for or date too. He's a very interesting guy. We met on Fet, and he's an intelligent kink like I am. We're just going to be chatting about theories and what not. It's cool. I told my husband, he's like whatevs on it. I'm not going to plaster it in his face because I don't want him to get antsy, so I'm just going to have fun.

 

Plus, he asked me out first!!! I'm so amazed! Usually it's me! My husband was the last guy who asked me out first. So it's like, wowzers! This ought to be an interesting experience.

 

Wish me luck!

 

We're looking at today or Sunday. *crosses fingers for today*

 

Namaste

Bella

BellaMynx

Ah, my days here are at a close...I think I might make another trip out here. I just want to hang out with my friend more, but she didn't get a chance to call off, and she's out during the day and home at night. Well at least we had a nice dinner last night of some nice southern cooking. :P I loved my Chicken Fried steak! It was guuuud. Hehehehehe!

 

Today, my husband and I will attempt to visit the African American Museum here and the Samurai Collection. I really, really want to see both of these before I leave. I think this would make for a great last part of our trip. I think I've also gotten some ideas for my story. I am excited to know how my character would feel on a roadtrip. I totally had forgotten that and after this past roadtrip, I think I have enough fuel. I need to finish this book soon because I don't want it to be long and drag on and on. I'm gonna finish it, print it, and bind it so I can read through and make corrections. I feel that if I do that, I can see my actual manuscript and feel that it's a real book. I need to really get going on that book AND I need to finish editing the book my friend and I wrote together. That one is practically finished. I'll even put the link for you all to purchase on Kindle. :D Hehehehehe! Advertisements.

 

Is there a corner to advertise budding new authors? I think that should be a thing...that way the authors on Shys can have a place to support each other and others can put links to be able to purchase books. :) Just sayin. There probably already is a place and I'm just dumb and don't know where it is. Can someone link me, if so?

 

Alrighty, off to have fun now!

 

Bella

BellaMynx

I am no Whitney Houston, Deborah Cox, or Mariah Carey. It's one of those things where if my voice wants to sound awesome, then it does. Other than that, I'd rather not put a YouTube video of me online singing because I'll get constant flack from callous idiots who think they know more about what it takes to become a good singer.

 

As a musician who plays instruments mostly, I like singing or humming to myself because music is like medicine. It heals in ways that human beings cannot even manage to do. Honestly, a song can really hit the nail on the head in a situation and if you're able to sing it, it's like people can totally feel you. I'm humming to my new love called "Sweet Day," by Tokimonsta. There are no lyrics, which is perfect for me. I love making up songs. It's like freestyle rapping except I horribly suck at rapping. LOL! But freestyle singing is awesome because when I sustain notes, I really feel it. Only few people have heard me sing and when I'm dating someone, I make songs for them to let them know how I feel about them. My husband has a few songs and he blushes when I sing to him. It's cute.

 

Lately I've been hurting a lot and I've been using song to get me through it all. I'm just playing all sorts of music that describe my mood exactly. It doesn't do good to dwell on negativity, but if the negativity won't come out, then sing it out. I sing in English, Spanish, and Portuguese now. It's awesome. The more languages I learn the more I'll use in my music.

 

Namaste,

Bella

BellaMynx

If I could go back in time, I would be 22 again. Why? That was the year I met my husband. We were just happy and dating without responsibilities and I was just going to school. I didn't have to worry about anything. Sure I was getting to know my bisexual self, but that was the beauty of it. He was helping me get comfortable in my skin. I liked girls and he told me to be ok with that.

 

Now, it seems like no matter how hard I try I fail. Anything good that happens to me is automatically stifled and results in chaos and unnecessary bullshitery. Yes bullshitery.

 

Drinking wine and staring at a wall seems like the best option. Just one glass because the kind i have is enough to make you feel nicely buzzed to the point where you feel warm again, but not unhealthy. Plus a glass of red wine a day is not bad. I actually just have half glass...fuck it. I'm having my glass of fucking wine and calling it a day. I love the song "Whiskey and Wine" by 311.

 

Whiskey and wine,

Killing me

Shot at a time...

 

Just love it.

 

Right now at work, this song at work I'm listening to is hitting the spot

 

"Sweet Day" by Tokimonsta

 

I swear I could make love while listening to that song. Not that porn stuff, but sensual feeling your body in every inch type of making love.

 

But for me, it's quite opposite of Sweet Day...it is making me lose track of how fucked up my life actually is right now. This is my wine drinking song where I stare at the wall and lose myself. It's going on loop at home.

 

Now I shall go and try to be happy at work. We're having a rollie chair race in the hallway. LOL!

 

Bella

Namaste

BellaMynx

Oh dear goodness, I'm so glad the school year is over! Woot! It's like, a burden lifted every year. I'm sitting here watching my little ones take their exams and I tell you it is the most boring thing watching them bubble responses. Lol!

 

Anyway, summer vacation is licking at my neck and I'm like, "Ooooh, stahp teasing me!!" Lol! I have a lot planned, and I will finish a book of sorts. I'll post the link in one of my blogs and that way people can go have a look at it. I'm hoping my erotic novel will be the one to be completed. Then, the book with my friend will no doubt be completed soon. I am going to publish it to Kindle and this way many readers can download it. I want to make sure that the grammar is on point and that it is not a bore. I mean...to those who like erotica, I think that I'm alright. He he!

 

It is turning into a very nice story, by the way. I might have to pull back on the erotica and make it into a novel.

 

I'm also going to be doing a lot of sewing projects. This is going to be fun too. I'm making a costume for my gothic lolita outfit. It's red, one of my faves. I am going to incorporate a cat. I think Cats are cute too. I may just make a cat hat...I dunno.

 

I want to go to the beach on Saturday too. I'll have to check the weather and the schedule and see if I can do that. I want to draw and look at the waves. I don't stick my feet in the water. Nah, I'm good. Anyway, I'm going to skiddadle because I'm going to try and keep myself entertained.

 

Namaste,

Bella

BellaMynx

Ok, I know this can be a somewhat controversial topic, but not really: Armpit hair!

 

*cues creepy alien music*

 

For the past few months, I have not felt the need to shave anything--even armpits!

 

I don't know, I feel like shaving was beaten into our heads to please man in a patriarchal society and that we were pitted against each other as the fashion police to say, "Hey, you're gross for not shaving!"

 

I used to be put off to women who didn't shave, but now I'm like "it's natural." Even my lil' munkey (that's what I've called her for years) hasn't been shaved and I don't even feel bad about it. I'm not even that hairy down there. My legs also don't really show hair that much and therefore I am trying to undo the years of teaching that hairy = gross and bad and change my way of thinking to hairy = natural and quit your bitchin.

 

My husband has never cared about bush or hairy armpits/legs. He takes me as I am and I love it. I don't care if my girlfriends have hair either. If they're hairy, then I say you go girl! If you're trimmed, you're kewl. If you're bare, then hey I'll lick ya. LOL! I had to say that. When it comes to hair, we're born with it and we're supposed to have hair. Plus it is a hassle to do shave and I'm extremely low maintenance in that retrospect. The only thing I do is get my hair retwisted (I have locs or "dreadlocks" for those who don't know what I mean), and I'll occasionally get a mani pedi because they feel good. Other than that, I am au naturale.

 

I will admit that shaved legs and lil' munkeys feel so soft and smooth and I'd only shave it to feel that, but after it grows out I don't feel the need to shave it unless I want to feel the softness. Lol! Yeah...I'm a bit outspoken on that stuff, but yeah.

 

Y'all have a lovely day!

Bella

BellaMynx

So this is my story about my weight loss journey.

 

The heaviest that I've been was 285lbs. For me, that's too much weight on my body.I have a very interesting shape body, but I know that I'm supposed to be at least 165 maybe a 155 at the most. I'll just be happy to see the number 1 as the first number in my weight. No shame in my game, baby!

 

Currently I am 30 pounds lighter than the previous mentioned weight. That means I'm on track. It's been a fight. It's been a long fight, and I've been off-and-on dieting and exercising. I know that I should be better; however, you know, life happens.

 

This is what I have been doing: I have been not listening to people, and I have been researching, reading, and educating myself on weight loss. I only listen to my doctor who has done my blood work and knows the inside of my body, and my therapist who works with my mind; however you need to know the mind is more powerful than the rest of your body.

 

Why?

 

Because it is at the top of your body, it has the most control. The mind is the most difficult organ in the body to control, so you have to really gage yourself and train your mind to undo all of the preconceived notions of what weight loss looks like and understand that weight loss is different for everybody and that no one method works for the same two people. I've decided to stop listening to people, and listen to my own body. I'm not going to tell you what I eat because again this is my body and my body functions differently with certain foods.

 

Why don't I listen to people?

 

Well, the truth of the matter is that a lot of people have the "because it works for me, it will work for you," way of thinking. They do this unknowingly. Sure, there are people who can suggest nice ways to exercise or advise you through how they learned through their past mistakes, and that is ok; however, I can listen and continue to do what I'm doing without change. The reason why I kept getting off and on my journey was because I listened to people too much. That is annoying. I'd post a blog, like I'm doing now, someone would suggest something and then I would take it into consideration. After trying it and figuring out that it didn't work for me, I'd stop and feel like I failed myself. Never again. Another reason why I don't listen to people anymore is that there are many who are malicious. They thrive on others' failures. Nothing irks my nerve than someone who has never had a weight problem, and they try to give me advice on weight loss. Then, when they see that what they've suggested didn't work for me, they make me feel like the problem was with me. I'll never be fooled like that again.

 

That's great that the person is in top shape, but again, I don't listen to people because people do not know my body like I know my body. I'd rather rely on myself than advice from non medical health professionals.

 

What people don't realize is that weight loss is not only a body thing; it's also a mind thing.

 

If your mind is not in the game, then you're going to lose the game.

 

This is where meditation comes in handy.

 

I practice yoga and I'm getting better and better. I meditate on how great I've done and then I continue to do so. With meditation, there are all kinds of energy that swirl around. If I allow negative energy to enter, such as the unsolicited advice of people who feel compelled to tell me how to exercise without knowing my strengths and weaknesses and then I end up not doing well, I would be in poor shape. Instead, if I allow positive energy such as my small victories, the fact that I did enough exercise to make a difference, that I changed up a routine, that I walked somewhere, or any other victories, I gain more power and more focus.

 

If you don't like what people say to you, then why not ignore it? Stop being so sensitive.

 

Again, this question gets thrown at me a lot. If you're thinking this question right now and you're about to tell this to me. Imagine my fist slamming into your face while I'm smiling. Remember that part where I said I ignore people? This technically is called ignoring. I only bring up the fact that in the past, sometimes now, I've allowed people to dictate how I'll lose weight instead of listening to myself. Honestly, unless I sent for you, don't come at me because you'll get something back and it won't be nice. In my opinion—notice I say in my opinion and not a blanketed statement—people are malicious and don't know it. It is in human nature. Whether the person doesn't think it is malicious or not, many people thrive on seeing others fail. I don't trust anyone. It's how I've come to see people in life. No matter how many times the person says I can trust them, I will not trust them unless there is evidence without a doubt that person won't betray my trust. Can't help it, I've been wired that way.

 

Why announce it on blogs where people can comment, then?

 

There is this thing in my head that I know there is someone out there reading this that might be going through something similar and they flat out feel like giving up. I'm here to tell them that life's a bitch. It is a fucking bitch and no one will be able to help them like they can help themselves. No one. I can't depend on anyone but myself to help me the way I need to be helped. Accountability partners? Nope. Buddy system? Nope. Every time I've tried, it's all failed. I don't need someone else to tell me when I should exercise because it will only work for a few days, and then it fails. It always does for me. What I've decided is to consider the fact that I am my own accountability partner. I'm the one who is my own buddy. I tell myself to exercise because no one else will. I am independent and self sufficient. I can do this on my own. Sure, I can allow someone to work out with me, but only treat it as a temporary thing. One day that person will leave, but you will still continue on.

 

Another reason why I blog; it's my fucking blog. That's it. I also know that there are people watching me and they're trying to see if I'll succeed or not. Remember when I said people are malicious? Yep, this is where the malice begins. People observe and see if the person might mess up. We all do it, believe it or not. If that person succeeds, we find it amazing and cheer them on. If that person falls down at any point, we expect it and then either give up on them and look for the next person. You do have those times where some might cheer them on, do nothing, or just wait it out to see if that person will get back up and keep fighting.

 

 

Bottom Line

 

I never said I was perfect. I never said that I don't make mistakes. I never said that I'll reach a goal so fancy that not even the gods themselves can touch me. I am blogging so that I can see a personal account of not only my weight loss, but how I grew stronger mentally and spiritually. If you pay attention, great. If you don't, great. If you cheer me on, cool. If you hurl insults, get ready. I might surprise you. I am not looking for extra likes. I'm merely typing what my mind is thinking right now. I felt compelled to write about this because I know there is someone out there who feels like they can't make it.

 

You can. Never give up. Keep trying because as long as your heart is beating, you'll be fine. You're not dead yet.

 

It sucks ass and you're going to hate stuff for the first part of your journey. No one tells you the part about weight loss where there comes a time where you hate everything and everybody at once. No health book or life goals book (as I call them) will tell you the deep dirty truth about starting your weight loss journey because no one would buy the book if it started off all negative. At first you're going to fucking hate it. You're going to realize that you may have to stop eating certain things for a while. It sucks horribly; however, you do find ways to get around it. That's the part where you have to do the footwork. A weight loss journey should be personalized. It shouldn't have to depend on what others say. Take the medical advice with a grain of salt, but if you can, get a therapist. There is where the weight loss journey can be more manageable. Your therapist can cheer you on in the way you want them to. I love mine and the advice she gives me is so mind altering. It's useful and it makes sense. She's real.

 

Again, what may work for me may not work for you. That's cool. Just follow what you think is right. You're not an idiot. You know your own body like no one else.

 

Bella

Namaste

BellaMynx

Even though I sometimes wanna bash him in the head with a fuzzy cotton stuffed hammer, my husband really knows how to make me feel like a trillion bucks. :) Once again I am reminded of why I married him. :3

 

Over a period of time, I'd been feeling worthless and just not cool with myself. I also felt disconnected to him and that I was just falling out of it. After spending part of the afternoon talking, to me crying and having a meltdown because of some things at work and just about me in general, to us lying in bed in each other's arms and talking, I feel so much better and that I want to try again at life.

 

My father left me in good hands and although my relationship was weird between me and my dad, I still miss him. My husband had some big shoes to fill, but then again, he fills them in a different way. My father taught me how to be independent...a bit too independent. My husband has taught me how to depend on him for emotional support, but to also be self sufficient as well. He is only one man, but I too need to also be strong and have my own back. My husband is not usually the snuggle type and I am. I have learned that I don't need to be snuggle bears all the time. It actually makes me value snuggling with him more and not take it for granted. Honestly, I have learned that I don't like being in the snuggle mode a lot because it makes me feel like I'm being smothered.

 

So yeah...I love my husband dearly and I'm so glad that he reminded me today of why I married him. :)

 

Bella

BellaMynx

I am so irritated with the fact that grown adults can be so childish. I also cannot believe that there is so much doubt placed on people with whom the person says he or she trusts. You tell me that you will defend me yet you feed me to the dogs. Honestly, I really can't stand that crap. It's like I try to freaking do my job, but then you tell me that I'm not supposed to do my job. Wtf is that shit?

 

So I'm going to sit back and let hell break loose. I'm not going to lift a finger to help and I am just going to be there to say, "I told ya so!"

 

I'm so angry!

 

Anyway, I'm going to woo sah until the cows come home. I am going to, instead of eating my pain away, play video games until I'm fine. Yesterday I played League of Legends and my luck turned up for the better. I actually won two games in a row instead of losing 50 billion. I think that I shall do that so I can let my anger subside. I was just nailing everyone! Take out your aggression on a sprite. The sprite will be fine and regenerate. This is so therapeutic. I felt on top of my game...literally. I need more gamer gal friends.

 

I think that would be awesome to have a game night where we all would play in tournaments or just chill. A bunch of gamer women. I have like two friends who are serious about gaming. Lol. The rest are guys. Lol Gaming isn't just for guys. Girls are awesome too. Anyway, bleh.

 

Have a good day,

BellaMynx

As I was sitting here watching one of my Korean dramas, I hear the piece "Gymnopedi" by Erik Satie and that piece alone suddenly makes me cry. I could be having the most awesome day and whenever that song plays, I just start bawling. Then, I start thinking about my father and how much I miss him still after nearly two years without him. I was lying down on the bed clutching the teddy bear he gave me when I was a little girl just crying my eyes out. Then I went to get one of the shirts my mother gave to me that belonged to him and I smelled it and it still had the scent of the detergent he used on it. It smelled like him. I lost it.

 

Right now I'm listening to other music to clear my head and it is working.

 

I am just allowing the grieving process to take it's course and I'm patient with it. I love my father and I know he is here spiritually, but I hate that his physical body is not here. :( I hug my husband to get the warmth, but it's just different. I love how my husband is so supportive. I just want my daddy.

BellaMynx

I am so fucking free right now! All my inhibitions have gone out the window and I'm so fucking happy right now.

 

After my beautiful girlfriend, Confused 1203, introduced this TED Talk about coming out of the closet, I have been trying to demolish some closets I've been in. Each time a wall came down, a part of me became free. One of the biggest ones came down today and dear god the other side of that wall was such a beautiful relief.

 

I have a best friend who is very conservative, and I love her to death and I was just tired of hiding myself from her. I thought to myself, "she should love me despite our differences." Every time I tried, I got a lump in my through and she'd say something offensive about the LGBTQ community and I would just shut down. I decided today, I was going to come out waving my Bisexual pride flag. Lol! Our mutual friend already knew about me and my poly life. I figured I'd only tell her about me being bisexual. That part seemed less threatening for me to reveal. You either accept me as is or not at all.

 

I started out with that I had something to tell her because I was afraid to share it to her. I loved her dearly and didn't want to lose her if she knew it. My other friend who knew had a big smile on her face and gave a look of encouragement to me. I continued to tell her that I was bisexual and that I've been that way since before my husband and I were married. It wasn't some new thing I conjured up one day. No. It is part of me and who I am. Her eyes grew large and she goes, "Oh! Wow!" Then she goes, "Girl, I'm not going to let something like this ruin our friendship! Are you kidding? I still love and accept you!" I let out a sigh of relief. I thought that I had crossed a major hurdle. Then, there was a bird that flew in from the left and into my face:

 

"So, you and your husband have an open relationship?"

 

What?! I wasn't ready for that question!

 

Damn you society with pinning Bisexuals as only seeking an open relationship! Why can't Bisexuality just be seen as a proper sexual orientation that doesn't need to seek open relationships to exist. Goodness!

 

Well anyway, I decided to just come out as polyamorus! I even showed her a picture of my girlfriend and she goes, "Oh wow! This is definitely different! I'm ok with it and I accept you." I told her that it wasn't just about sex, but a purely committed relationship. I told her I really love my girlfriend just as much as my husband. Gosh, I felt so good after that! I feel like I am coming out of my stuffy, congested closet. I really feel like with these people on my side, I can do anything. :) I know that I have people to go to if shit goes down. These women have been with me since college, through thick and thin with all times of shit going on with my life, and through my father's passing. They really have shown how much they care about me and I swear, they win trophies for best friends of the year. I really feel blessed to have them and was able to share part of my life that means most to me with them. :)

 

I'm very happy. I'm listening to a remix of "Happy" by Pharrell Williams. I prefer that than the original. He he! Now I'm going to just write and write and write! I feel awesome right now and a lot of great writing will come out. I'm trying to get my book finished. I came to terms that it is going to become a series. I need to finish it and do editing and revising. It's a novel. Yes ma'am. It is a novel. I've come to terms with that too.

 

Love you ladies!

Namaste

 

Bella

BellaMynx

At this point of my life, I really despise people who take advantage of my kindness. Honestly, I think people find me weak whenever I'm kind to them. We are trained to view kind individuals as mentally and emotionally weak.

 

No.

 

You should be glad that I don't actually do what is in my head. Right now my coworker would be dead if I really acted out what was in my head and what I thought of him. I swear I want to take a box of scorpions and throw them in his office. Then to add insult to injury add soft music. Ughhh!! I can't stand that. Then don't get me started on the kids. I'll just leave those thoughts in my head. Honestly, I'm getting to the point where I really don't think I'd want kids. I don't want to bring an innocent child into this pathetic world. And my kids would have to deal with bullshit that they didn't ask for just because of their heritage. I really hate people sometimes. >.<

 

I need my vacation now. Like right this second.

 

I'm done.

 

No more.

 

Bella