• entries
  • comments
  • views

About this blog

A Blog of My Interesting Imperfect Life

Entries in this blog


After watching this video again at a conference last weekend, it helped me feel so much better about having the courage to work with people in my new career. It also helped me have a better understanding of why I got angry at people after my father died whenever they kept telling me: 

"I'll pray for you."


"At least he's in a better place..."

Those were band-aide responses I received when I didn't want anyone to effing pray for me or tell me something they had no idea about and made assumptions. The video especially helped me understand my irritation toward people whenever I would reach out to receive some comfort after breaking up with one of my partners or to express that I'm having a difficult time finding a partner, they'd tell me like, "...you're still with your husband, right?" In my mind, I"m like, "what made you think I was not with him?" Why is it that whenever a relationship fails with a secondary (I hate using this word because I don't like ranking my partners) or tertiary partner, the relationship with the primary partner is somewhat at fault with the other relationships. What? Seriously? My marriage had nothing to do with the failure of the relationship with my recent exes. Why is this so difficult to understand? Honestly, I think this is why I want to be a counselor and help polyamorous individuals so that they don't feel like there is no one out there who understands them. It makes me think of this in the video: 

"Rarely, if ever, does an empathic response begin with '...at least'...and we do it all the time. Someone just shared something with us that is incredibly painful, and we're trying to 'silverline it' [...] we're trying to put the silver line around it..." ~Brené Brown on Empathy

Examples of people who try to Sympathize versus Empathize:

Sad person: "I had a miscarriage..."

Sympathetic person: "At least you know you can get pregnant."

Sad person: "I think my marriage is falling apart..."

Sympathetic person: "At least, you have a marriage..."

*My personal experiences*

Me: "I'm feeling depressed because I miss my father who died four years ago."

Sympathetic person: "At least you still have your mother. Think about that."

Me: "I'm sad that I haven't found the right second partner, and I'm feeling lonely right now."

Sympathetic person: "At least you still have your husband."  

Here are some examples of being empathetic with a polyamorous person if you aren't poly and have no idea how to relate:

For fights:

Imagine the last fight you had with your significant other. I'm not talking about the one where you forgave each other within 5 minutes. I'm talking about the one that lasted for quite some time. You felt horrible inside, and that person really hurt you deeply. Think about how that feels. Now relate that to a person who is poly and fought with one of their partners. Every relationship is unique. Deal with the current relationship with which they're upset. Don't discuss the other relationships that have nothing to do with the current one. 

For breakups:

Think about a time you had a nasty break up, or a break up that left you feeling like you'd never find someone else again. Imagine that when trying to comfort someone who is poly and they just had a breakup. Do not discuss a relationship that has nothing to do with the current one the poly person has presented. How would you feel if someone filleted your heart and served it back to you?

You'd feel downright crappy, wouldn't you? 

For aching that they're having trouble meeting other poly people for relationships:

Think about how it felt when you were looking for someone to date, and you kept meeting people who were just not right for you. Do you remember how sad that felt? Do you remember that hurt and pain? That is exactly how a poly person would feel. Worry about the current issue. Don't bring in other relationships that have nothing to do with how they currently feel. 

Poly people hurt too. It's not about whether polyamory works for you or not. It is the person who is hurting that needs some comfort. That is all! I really wish people would understand that instead of assuming that because many of us are married or partnered and that we are automatically sunshine 24/7. We love differently. 

That's just how I've felt for a long time. This is why I keep to myself because if I try to reach out to anyone, I get those sympathetic comments from people who have no idea how I'm feeling and don't try to understand how much I'm hurting. 




Good day, ladies.

I have anxiety and depression, and I swear my studies in mental health have made me more and more aware of how mental illnesses can indeed affect our lives if we are not careful and don't have strategies in place to combat it. I've been with my therapist for 3 years, and I have come a long way, especially since my father died 4 years ago. It's like a battle, but with parts of those battles that I've slain evil dragons that try to creep up and tell me that I'm worthless or that I should worry about stupid shit. Honestly, I just hate when it attacks at random moments either by triggers, or it just shows up. Like today...

Today started out as an okay day. After I'd received some mild news about some mundane thing in the world, my brain goes, "ah yes...although this isn't that much of a terrible thing, let's dwell on that and bring in other shit that has nothing to do with why we want to make you feel like crap today! Yay!" Ughhhh! No one has been attacking me at all. No one has triggered anything. This is all me. Usually, I distract myself by talking to my husband who makes me laugh or surfing through my other social media sites and finding funny memes. Nope. After I've laughed, it just sticks. I know it will go away, eventually, but ugh. 

I will say that I'm yet again irritated by the fact that I've tried to be more proactive in my search for another partner, but my efforts were in vain. I need to go on more outings with my special interest groups, but they only have it once a month. Then I literally just found out that they canceled this month's meeting due to our country's Independence Day on July 4th. *falls to my knees and cries* I was looking forward to meeting more people...this sucks horribly. I was looking forward to meeting some more people and making some acquaintances, and it just all gets snuffed out. I've taken breaks, and I swear, I don't have many friends with whom share my same or similar orientation and/or lifestyle. It's hard. It sucks being a bi, poly and married woman. I swear people think I'm a disease. I think I'm primarily angry at that. 

Being Bisexual, Polyamorous, and Married Sucks

Why does it suck? It's not because I don't like being bisexual, married, and polyamorous. Oh no, personally, I love my orientation and my lifestyle. What sucks is that other people don't like it. This is a problem because I can BARELY find people who want to date me. They assume too much about me. The following assumptions prevent me from finding anyone:

1. "You're just another unicorn hunter." 

This is far from the truth. While not judging those who practice unicorn hunting, I personally am not interested in finding another partner for the mere pleasures of having a threesome. No. It is not a sexual thing. Will people believe me? Nope. They still think about the last time they were with a married woman, and that married woman betrayed them. Kind of like how some lesbians refuse to date bisexual women because the last one betrayed them and left them for a man. That's pretty much how this assumption goes. 

2. "This is just a glorified way of cheating. You are unhappy with your husband."

FFS, people do not understand the definition of what it means to be polyamorous. It is NOT cheating. Cheating is a form of DECEPTION. Nothing is deceiving about being polyamorous. If you are misleading people and you claim to be polyamorous, I've got one thing to say to you, "YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG!" 

3. "I don't think you would have time for me. Plus, I don't want to get jealous or anything." 

One, you don't know me well enough to know whether or not I have time for you. Plus, I've managed time to talk to you, so I believe I'm good at managing my time. Two, jealousy arises in monogamous AND polyamorous relationships. How you deal with jealousy is what makes the relationship either stronger or weaker. In polyamory, we talk about it and find the catalyst from where the jealousy arose. Then we combat it. However, if you're that worried about being jealous, then why are you talking to me in the first place?

Those are my top three that prevent me from merely getting a damn date. It makes me want to give up. It makes me want to just begrudgingly be monogamous to prevent any more irritation with my search of another partner. Seriously, I don't know what to do. It's a coin toss.

Issues that arise when I DO find someone:

1. They think I'm a solution to their marital problems.

My last ex-girlfriend was a piece of work. Although we communicated via online and phone for 3 months before our first date, she revealed all this shit about her husband and another woman who essentially was the catalyst for their marital problems. There were severe trust issues between her and her husband, and finally, I was like, "Are you even ready to add on another relationship in addition to the bs you're dealing with now??" Why I allowed myself to get into this situation, I have no idea. I'll take the blame for that one. I should have just said no. 

2. They take advantage of me...or they try. 

I am not using the word advantage in a means of illegal activity, but I am talking about they use me for their own malicious needs and leave me dry. Same ex gf used me to advance herself in a field we both had an interest in, but she was aware I was trying to develop myself in this same area. She used MY resources to get her way into it and reap the benefits of my hard work. Yeah, she was a horrible person. 

3. They magically do not have time for me or do not respect my life. 

I'm not talking occasionally. Life does happen, and sometimes there may be times when we won't talk. I'm talking about they can't even send a quick text to me. I've known a small percentage who have managed to keep in contact via text, and I was fine. The last few people have sucked at it. Their excuses where asinine too. It isn't fair that I devote some of my time to you, and you don't do the same to me. This is where I miss one of my exes because she was very good at ensuring that she made me feel loved and cared for. We were fine then. Unfortunately, she's the one that got away. 

The latter portion of this issue is that I cannot be as open as I'd like to be due to my job. It doesn't mean that I am ashamed of my partner; unfortunately, there are jobs out there who do not support the LGBTQ+ community nor do they support polyamorous dynamics. Until I get into my other career, I have to stay closeted. I do know LGBTQ friendly hangouts in my area, but that person has to be mindful of me. There was one girl who had an issue with this AND could not manage her time. She suddenly realized that she had parental responsibilities as well as had issues with me being partially closeted. She knew very well that she was a mother and that her child had needs. Why, all of a sudden, have they become more apparent when you deliberately took time out of your schedule to talk to me for nearly 2 damn months? Also, I hardly ever had issues with my partners knowing that I have to be partially closeted for job purposes, but this one girl was obnoxious. The simple answer "just don't work for them!" does not work anymore. I have responsibilities to meet and bills to pay. Are you going to pay my bills? No. Either deal with it or leave. She chose to leave. Goodbye. Have a nice life!

4. The one that got away...

These are people who I matched with, but due to some life circumstances, we were better off separated. This sucks. This hurts more because I've developed an attachment to them, and it's like...gah. I was so close! Sheesh! 

Oh well. I shall continue to torture myself by not giving up and trying again while taking breaks. Surely there is someone out there who will respect me and my dynamics. Strangely men tend to be a bit more open than women, but I have met those men who feel similarly about the jealousy part. I just hate when I meet men who try to compare themselves to my husband. It is not a fucking competition! Why do they even do that? They try to see whose cock is bigger instead of caring about being in a relationship with me. Then they worry constantly about whether my husband knows or not. If I tell them that I've spoken with and showed their picture to my husband, then why do they constantly worry? I have daily conversations with my husband, and we talk about the partners with whom we are either interested. Where is the issue? Why keep asking if you know I regularly communicate with my husband? There is no issue! Get over it! 

I think that, largely, they're not used to it and someone has betrayed them in the past. Aye, there's the rub. 

Anyway, onward march. I think talking about this has helped me minimize my depressive symptoms. Although it is not completely gone, I can still be glad that I feel a small percentage better having written this out and seeing it clearly in black and white. Perhaps I can find more online poly groups. I just wish there was a local poly community where I can have friends who are poly and just talk to them and vent. 




Just in my head

Good day ladies,

I've been in my head over these past few weeks...possibly months. I'm just wondering about some of the things I'm doing to find myself another partner. When I think I've found a partner, one of many things arise: they ghost me, they're totally not as into me as I thought they were, they're too into me to where it is uncomfortable for me to maneuver around my life or they ask too much of me, or they are barely there. I ask myself: how the hell am I finding these sorts? Then you have ones who are so amazing, but they're monogamous, OR they live too far away, and there is no light signaling that one of us will be able to make the trip. I find myself settling in the friendship area of many of these relationships because I fear that this is all I will find. While I think it is lovely to start off the relationship as friends, it also disheartens me that the friendship in 99.9% of the cases never moves beyond that point. It's like I'm destined not to have a second partner and that I should just cash in my chips and leave the casino. (It's a crap metaphor, but you all get what I'm saying)

In the end, I feel that the universe is punishing me for something I did and I don't remember what it is. I also feel that I have all these cards against me:

1. I'm bisexual and attached. People tend to run the opposite direction when I utter the words "I am married and polyamorous." They suddenly feel the need to say, "oh wow...um...I just can't share people. I just couldn't do it." They continuously tell me the reasons why they just cannot fathom having multiple relationships simultaneously going on. They feel that if they get involved with me, that I will somehow not have time for them. Are you kidding me? I get that some people are not cut out for polyamory; however, just say the words "no, I am not interested" and let that be the end. Don't fucking tell me your life story about how you're not able to be in a polyamorous relationship. I get it. You're monogamous. End of story. No need to shame polyamorous people. We're both different. Don't waste my time. 

2. I am limited to what we can do outside the home. To be clear, where I live, they aren't open about LGBTQ people, and especially in the field where I work; I have to be careful. I know several people who live like this and they are fine. I just find it hard to believe that there are people who manage to cheat on their partner and lie to everyone else for YEARS and never get caught, but I am honest and do NOT cheat, and my husband knows everything and I cannot find ANYONE at all! It's like, wtf? I do not like dishonesty, and it's just like, wow. People who cheat have longer relationships than I do! Wow! 

3. Lastly, and this shouldn't be an issue, but it is, I'm not thin. This is not to say that the reason why I'm changing my eating habits and taking care of myself is to appease someone who doesn't like bigger girls. Nope. I'm changing my eating habits because I have health issues and ailments I'd like to get rid of. Once I reach a weight where the issues have subsided, and I have minimal ailments, I'm going to maintain that weight. I would never EVER try to lose weight to appease someone else. Child, please! However, I am very aware that a woman my size may not be the first choice for many of the people who I sift through to go out on dates with or have a relationship. Yes, I know some big women find people, and I'd like to know where that pool of dating people are. Hit me up if you know that location! Oh, and the latest trend is for a guy to tell me that my pictures are deceiving on this other site I use for dating and that I'm "bigger" than what the pictures state. Is your vision that bad? I don't even use photoshop on my photos except to hide the background! I never use it on my body. Those people make me sick. It is irritating how the very people who complain about the way I look are not attractive themselves! Like, I find them cute until they open their mouth, and then the ugliness flows through. It's like, wow...what douche bags! Ugh!

Anyway, those are my lucky three that I feel are preventing me from finding anyone. The last few partners have turned out to be self-centered jerks. Especially the last girl I dated who used me to advance herself in the art world by using MY resources that I tried to get for myself when she knew I was trying to make it out there. I don't even want to disclose the story because it still makes me angry how that conniving bitch tried to weasel her way out of that argument when I called her out on it. She fucking knew what she was doing and didn't like how I caught on to it. Fuck her...


The one before her, it would have worked out if she knew how to manage her time and if she wasn't so hung up about me and my job where I had to limit where we could go out. She was entirely self-centered and didn't consider the fact that we matched on so many levels and that she needed to calm the hell down. Honestly, I think she gave up on a really good thing we had. Oh well. 

I'm just thinking about all these things. 

Oh and this one guy...well two guys...they make me feel some type of way. 

Guy one is a young stud muffin (he's 26). He is hardly around, but when he comes in, he's so passionate and pushes my limits (in a good way) and has been so fantastic at keeping up with me in conversation. From day one, he intrigued me and piqued my interest. His words made me think about life from a different perspective—such a Philosophy major—and he kept me yearning for more. He made me feel special and that he was so emotionally attached to me...therein the buzzer goes off. What the hell is that supposed to mean? He did forewarn me that he is mostly monogamous and that if he found someone, he might have to call it quits. However, he was very respectful in stating that. I bent a bit because I just really liked him. The only issue I have with him is that he's hot and cold —oh Virgo, Virgo, Virgo—and he can be insanely complicated, but that is me in a nutshell anyway. So there's that guy. 

The next guy is in my age group, a bit older than I am, and he's a man of few words, but we have flirted a lot. He extends the invitation for friends with benefits after talking for nearly 3 months or so via online. He lives in my state, but it is a workday away (7-8 hr drive). We have not met yet, but we plan to. He's quite interesting, and we have some compatibility in the sense that he is fun to talk to and he hasn't left me. Like, I love that he is present and that I'm not always the one initiating conversation. It is a fine balance—I'm such a Libra! Anyway, here is the issue: he's monogamous. I'm not saying it is terrible to be monogamous, but it's one of those things where I ask myself, why I'm even bothering to try to be in anything with him. 

Both these guys are just...not for me. If they're monogamous, then why am I wasting time with them? Allow me to be selfish a bit. I love the fucking attention. Damn. There, I said it. Lol. I love that my young stud finds me utterly sexy. He tells me all the time. The guy in my age group no doubt thinks I'm attractive and wants to meet me. That's pretty much it. I love the attention. Now I know what many are saying in their minds, "Bella, you might be lonely, and you're trying to seek attention." Funny you say this because nearly every person I've tried to talk to about this who weren't polyamorous said the same thing. Honestly, I'm quite sick of that assumption. I have enjoyed the company of my husband, and we have had lovely conversations. In fact, we just spent time together last night. I'm not lonely. I just desire to have a second partner. That's it. Anyone else who is polyamorous or is open-minded to polyamory gets that. When I get sad, it is because nearly all the methods I've tried to find someone has ended up going to crap. It's bananas! I don't want to give up although that looks like it would ease my irritation. No, I won't because I have a friend who has a poly relationship, with two men, and she has been with both for years. She is married to one and the other is her boyfriend. They're not perfect, but it has worked for them. It's like damn. I'd like that! It is possible to have a polyamorous relationship and have it work for years! I don't need a polycule. I just want a secondary partner for myself. My husband has found another partner, and I'm SO happy for him. I'm relieved because he was feeling so unattractive, and I kept telling him that there was someone for him. Now he has one. This is just like high school. Everyone else has someone, and I'm sitting here like, "where the fuck is my person???" LOL! 

Anyway, I digress, well not really...I just need to quit venting now because it is starting to become a list of reasons why my search could have possibly gone wrong. 

Alright, I'll get going. Have a great day,



My absolute first nose ring, and dear goodness it hurt like hell. I was like, "GAHHHHH!" I even cried on my left side, which I've read is completely normal and the body's response to extreme pain like that. Oh, the first night I cleaned it, it was so difficult! I had the pulsating pain, and I had a massive headache. After an Advil and some sleep later, the pain subsided and only hurts if I challenge the ring by moving it around. Lol! Anyway, I'm in love. Plus the Snapchat filter was cute when I took it. Lol! I'm also deciding on a tattoo that I'll get later. I can't wait for that! I've been in need of some ink therapy. I've already drawn the tattoo that I want. Now I gotta get it done. I've decided to get my calf muscle tattoo instead of my forearm. I'm still working on that one. I want it to be dedicated to Yoshi. I am in love with Yoshi, and it shows my love of gaming as well as...Yoshi is just freaking adorable! I love him! I love dinosaurs period. Lol! Super Mario also reminds me of my childhood and I think what I'll do is put the copyright date of when Yoshi was introduced tatted there. I don't know. I'm still thinking on it. Anyway, just showing my cute face. he he! 


Nose Ring!.jpg


Good evening, ladies,

I'm just going to drop this here. Lol! I am so relieved that the crap I went through is over with when I first got here to AZ. Omfg. I call myself being proactive and calling my card company to inform them that I was going to be here instead of my home in Texas so that they wouldn't stop my account when I tried to use it. Ya think that worked? 



I was infuriated with my card company, and when I come back to my home, I'm leaving them. They are WAY too protective of my information and I've already had fraudulent stuff happen to my account and they never locked my fucking account and shit!

*Oh yeah, disclaimer...I curse*

I wanted to throw things, and I was practically yelling in the lobby of the hotel to my card company lady telling me "You'll have to call our customer service department in the morning at 8am..." What? I am trying to stay in a place that isn't anywhere near my home! How the FUCK am I going to wait until morning to call your fucking customer service department??? I essentially spelled it out to them that I was proactive and called them BEFORE I left Texas to PREVENT this from happening! I told them, and they were going to play it off like it was the system's fault. Bitch, I called AHEAD OF TIME TO TELL YOU THAT I WILL USE MY CARD IN ANOTHER STATE FOR THIS VERY REASON!!!! Honestly, I think the person dropped the ball on that stuff. So, when I come back to Texas, I'm going to transfer all that good money to my other card that I will hopefully get sometime next week. I will NEVER trust this company again. I have had SEVERAL fraudulent occurrences happen to me, and they have the audacity to tell me that I'm committing fraud when it is my fucking card???

Anyway, I'm milking this shit, and I need to breathe. 


In other news, I am so happy I met some cool people here. I especially made good friends with one of my classmates who is so amazing. He literally stuck by me the first day! I think we are going to remain travel bffs and are planning to share a room for our next business trip that we have to make in about a year. That way it will cut down the cost of the room. I am staying at a resort like place and I swear I'm living in a weird paradise in the middle of a desert. The funny thing was that the shuttle driver warned me of the poor architectural idea that this person had. I understood what they were going for, but it is NO place for people who need wheelchair access or who are in poor shape. Seriously, I'm getting my exercise on! LOL! 

Anyway, there is this guy here who is in my class, and I find him so interesting. He is definitely gorgeous, but I really want to be his friend. That's all. Nothing more. I tried to converse with him, but things kept getting in the way. I may end up emailing him and just trying to talk to him. I don't know. I have this weekend to see what I can do, but I don't know. He's so hot...but I just want friendship. Mainly because I'm pretty sure he might either be gay or taken. I always tend to crush on the most unavailable men. Lol! THEN! I met a bisexual girl who is monogamous, but I love that I'm meeting all my LGBTQ+ people. I especially love that I've met a bisexual woman and we all shared our stories together and I think she's pretty cool. :D 

Anyway,it is sadly time for bed, but I shall be blogging again. I'm so excited that I get to have this experience, but I didn't need that crazy ridden anxious moment that I had yesterday. I could deal without that. 

Alrighty, ladies! Be good to each other and yourselves. 



Hey, ladies!

Tomorrow, I shall embark on a journey to be with other people in the same field as I am! I hope that I do well with mingling and doing these mock interviews and stuff. Omg, I'm so freaking nervous! However, I'm so glad that I made a friend, so I won't be alone. They're my only friend that I've made so far. I don't know if that is a bad thing or not. At least I won't feel alone. 

In other news, I have met a few people who have piqued my interest regarding my romantic interests. They're men. I have not been able to find a woman yet who would like a moment of my time. Oh well, it will happen one of these days. I've decided not to stress too much about finding a girlfriend because I believe it is simply not time for me to have a girlfriend at the moment. I digress, so let me get this back on topic. LOL. I have decided to work on another side of me that I have put on hold to explore. I'm on another forum and I have met this one guy who has fascinated me since the day he began talking to me. I am so impressed with our discourse, and he keeps me craving for more! He has also helped me discover a side of myself that I never knew existed, and he has the patience to help me continue exploring that side of myself. I swear he takes my breath away. Whether he stays in my life or not is undetermined, but my gosh, he just makes me fan myself! 

Another guy has my interest as well. He is such a mystery to me, yet he is very open. I love that he too is bisexual and damn proud of it. I love how our conversations are practically daily and we flirt a lot. His flirting is a lot more subtle than mine; however, he still gets me. I'm planning a trip to drive to his city with my friend, but for a completely different reason unrelated to him. He just happens to be in the same area of the person we are visiting, and he got wind of it and is willing to accommodate for me as long as I keep him posted. I'm super excited about this!  

I've also recently gotten back into yoga this week. I've decided to get back into meditation as well as getting back into belly dancing. I love how after a yoga session, I move straight into belly dancing, which fits with the music I use to do much of my yoga practice. Of course, this doesn't happen all the time, but a few times, there have been songs that have influenced my body to move in ways I never knew I could do. I have decided to create a belly dancing outfit for the Renaissance Festival. 

With that said, I'm in for a journey of deeper self-exploration. I've picked up on a few things, but there is more to unfold. 

Enjoy yourselves!



Greetings, ladies, 

As the year 2018 begins, I spent some time to myself reading at my leisure and conversing with my husband. I had forgotten what it was like to sit and breathe in and out. I was so preoccupied with deadlines, schedules, grad school,  work,  and whether or not I would go on another date. I consumed myself with everything that had to be done that wasn't done yet. 

My therapist was right! In a session, where I was complaining about how I felt my life was going down in a twisted spiral of dep. She stopped me and said, "to hell with everything! Take care of yourself! You're important!" She continued to say that I was spending my life caring about everything and everyone else except for myself. I placed too much focus on too many things and that I was ignoring myself. My health was fading because of this. So she told me that we had to come up with some strategies to help me take care of myself. This was November...

It sank in finally from December 31, 2018, and through today. 

It's time to look out for myself and chill out. It is a work in process, but I know it is doable. I actually spent time reading! I never get to read for pleasure due to my grad studies. This also means that I need to be more organized in how I move from day to day. I start work tomorrow; being a teacher in graduate school is hard work! However, it is not impossible to do. I know that I can manage my time to where I have enough time to prepare lessons for my students, read for graduate studies, and spend time to myself (exercise, reading, doing things I love). There are 24 hours in a day. Teaching can present unpredictable after school business stuff. I am lucky to work at a place where even if I stay late, I won't get home too late. That means I can come home and de-stress from all the craziness from work and do some meditation of some sort. There is where my leisure time comes in. I can also take care of my studies and not go overboard. 

Still, I can play around with it. I'm not going to be so rigid that I cant fluctuate my time. This is how my anxiety gets triggered. I am a perfectionist. I have this idea of what something should look like, and if I do not meet that idea, I get depressed and give up completely. So I need to tell myself, "Oh, even though you didn't get to do this, you're still a good person, and you will have time to do it."

Anyway, I will spend this year calming the hell down, not making other people's emergencies my emergency, take care of myself in all definitions that this entails, and spend time enjoying life. I want to live in the present. I don't want to worry about the future. If I take care of myself today, I won't have to worry about the future because I will have already been prepared. 

Just random thoughts,




Never again...

*Warning, this blog will contain content that deals with polyamory. If you are not open to polyamory or don't practice it, I don't want to hear from you. Yes, we are free to do whatever we want, but you're not going to help me. Please carry on.*

*Second warning: there will be gratuitous use of the f-word. If you do not like the f-word, Then, do not proceed." 

I don't think I will never disclose any information about any of my secondary relationships to any of my monogamous friends who aren't open to poly. I have one friend who is open and does not judge me or tell me "why don't you spend more time with your husband" or "be glad you still have your husband." She listens to me, and she understands my feelings! I only have one of her, and I can't just unload on her because she's all I've got! 

Back to the statement: "why not just focus on your husband and don't even worry about finding another partner?" 

Are you fucking kidding me? When did I ever mention that something was wrong with my husband? Why do people even bring him into the conversation when he isn't part of the problem??? Why do people do that? This is some heteronormative and mono-normative (I know there is a word for it, but I can't think of it right now) type bullshit! Honestly! It is statements like these that push me to the point where I don't have patience when talking to someone who is not familiar with polyamory. 

I am upset that every external partner I have attempted to go out with has flaked out on me. My husband has been nothing but supportive! He and I spend a lot of time together! A lot! He and I talk together! Our love life is beautiful. Do I miss him when he is at work? Absolutely, I do! Who wouldn't miss their husband? If I didn't, then there might be a problem; however, there is no problem with our goddamn relationship? Why do people feel like they have to fucking tell me to spend MORE time with my husband?!?! I DO spend time with him! We spend a lot of time together! Every week! Every weekend! Why do people think that I have problems with my primary marriage?! WE ARE ABOUT AS NORMAL AS EVERY OTHER MARRIED COUPLE! For fuck's sake!

Why? Why do people assume that there are problems with your primary relationship? The secondary partner isn't an imaginary person! They existed too! 

I can't be pissed or sad because I lost my second partner? I'm supposed to be numb about this whole other person not here in my life anymore???? So mono-normative of that!!! Ugh! That second partner meant something to me! I'm not just going to pretend that she didn't exist! That is horrible! That is a disservice to another human being, granted she pissed me off, but I cared about her! I still do and that is what pisses me off even more about it! Ughhhhh!

She pisses me off that she gave up before the relationship could even have a chance! I'm so angry at her. She was so good. So good. Damn it! I can't even talk to anyone else about it. She even lived SO CLOSE to me!!!! I'm not going to talk about her to my husband because he will get very protective of me and just say mean things about her, and I don't want to hear that. Lol! This is what I love about him. He defends me to no end. I appreciate him and I love him so much. 

*cries on the floor*

My phone is in the other room because I do not want to hear the notifications from my friend who thoroughly pissed me off. Just the mere mentioning of them advising me to "spend more time with my husband" and they've never even spent time with me to know that I do spend plenty of time with him makes me want to slap them. My god. I'm done! Fucking done. I'm going to go to bed. I need to go to my corner and think about all the things I've said. 

I'm not asking for advice. 

I am just venting. That's all. 

I'm not looking for anything. 


If you are poly, know a lot about polyamory, and STILL practice, or you have some encouraging words that have kept you strong and active in polyamorous living, I'm not opposed to seeing them. 



P.S. My apologies for the cursing, but I'm utterly pissed off because I lost my secondary partner because she just...I can't even get into it because there will be a fucking novel here. 


Note: I said I WANT a girlfriend. I can survive without another partner, but I would like to have one.


Honestly, and I know I keep going back and forth with this, but if she wanted a triad, I'd give it a thought. I don't know if I want another triad after being burned by the last woman. She totally went about it the wrong way. Right now, I'd rather have a V-type poly relationship. V dynamics work well. All these men keep talking to me, and I'm like, "ugh...bugger off!" Forgive my language. Anyway, I'm so irritated that women don't see me in a romantic way. Especially ones in my area. It's like I'm the cool person to hang out with, but not a girlfriend. I sound like a single guy who has been friend zoned several times (if the term friend zone bothers you, then you and I have totally different meanings for the word). 

My last girlfriend lived in the perfect location. She was only 30 minutes away from me, and she understood my wants and needs, and she wanted to make sure I was happy. Why did we break up? She did not have time for me, and she felt horrible for it. I told her that I would be open if we met later on in life at the right time. So there's that, but I'm not putting all my eggs in one basket either. I am looking online and offline and it just...ugh. Oh well.The story of my life. I end up finding the unavailable ones that want to be in a relationship or they don't know what they want and have never met someone who was sure of what they wanted. That's what I'm famous for. I tell you the truth that I'm looking for a relationship, and that I'm serious. Apparently, seriousness is a turn-off. Well, I don't do bullshit or games. I've tried to play the game, but my ex-girlfriend understood me. She admired my honesty and stated that people aren't used to being told the truth in such a way. They mistaken it as being too much, she took it as being up front. Now I know I'm not crazy. I mean what I say and say what I mean. 

Anyway, sitting here feeling not so pretty and listening to "Blue" by A Perfect Circle now. I guess I'll go play a game. 

Namaste, ladies,



Good day, ladies!

It's been a long time since I've been sort of on hiatus from Shys. Certain things were draining the life out of me, and I finally I can breathe! A few things happened, and things are starting to turn up for the first time. 

New Job

I had been trying to get into this other district that is very hard to get into. I met someone on another website, and she and I had become friends. She essentially helped me get the job, and I am forever grateful to her. I swear, she's getting a NOICE Christmas present. He he! I'm so glad that I get to work with a good friend. It's been a long time since I've worked with a friend at work whom I kinda feel safe with. I don't trust people easily, but I think she might be someone I whom I can rely upon to help me. So that's great. 

Relationship Flubs

As many of you have figured out by now, those of you who keep up with my love life drama, my girlfriend and I broke up. I learned a valuable lesson: long distance relationships (LDR) do not work unless both parties are equally dedicated. I was working so much for someone who did not value my time. It took eight months and a $400 plane ticket for me to realize that. She even treated me horribly, as in she didn't give me much attention. She essentially told me that I was not good enough for her and that because of that, she wasn't able to spend time with me. It was interesting because her husband and I got along very well. So...there is that. 

I also had a boyfriend whom I left because he didn't place me as a priority in his life. Enough said. I won't dwell on him. 

Relationship Wins

I met a new gentleman who is very kind to me, and we just started dating. Hopefully, he will stay around. He's very sweet to me and treats me like a queen. He is willing to come to me instead of me going to him. He always tells me about how beautiful I am and the funny thing is that he is a lot like my husband. He he! My husband and I are going great as always. I still love him so much. 


School has been going quite well. I'm going to school to get my degree in Clinical Mental Health Counseling, and it is a rather enjoyable and rewarding experience. It's gotten me to look into my life and notice many things. I can't wait to get my license to practice! I plan on advocating a lot for bisexual and pansexual people. We need all the support we can get. I'm also an admin for a kinky group of bi women too. I'm quite proud that I've had this position for quite a while. That has also kept me busy. 


I'm looking forward to popping into groups and saying hello!

Take care, ladies,



Good evening, ladies,


It's been a long time since I've been on here. I hope some of my friends are still on here. I'm open to making new friends. Well, here is an update:


I'm in school for counseling and have barely any time to get on and chat.

I JUST broke up with my girlfriend today! April 2, 2017 20:13. I'm trying not to be bitter, but we just weren't a right fit. Will I try again, I have no idea. Right now, I just want to crawl into a hole.


I'm ready for my summer vacation.


There, short and sweet. I'm alive. I'm ok.


Good news, though. I have a fitbit; I'm going to be taking care of myself!




No, I'm Not Ok...

This is not fair and I hate this shit. I don't like how I've had this shit luck with everything and I'm not even doing anything wrong!


I swear I'm so fucking tired of it and I wish it would all go away. I'm certainly not ok with this. Some sick, twisted, and sadistic being hates me and thoroughly enjoys playing with my heart like that.


They're essentially treating my heart as if it were a yo-yo and slinging it back and forth. With every sling, parts of my heart rip.


I've grown weary of this and I want off this fucking roller coaster. I can't find anyone in my city and shit is going down this twisted spiral of doom. FML. I hate that this happens to me every time I try it again after constant rejection or people just plain ignoring me. Ugh...


*This post has been edited because...I care about English and stuff.*


Desert Land

I'm wilting and my roots are searching for the water it thirsts for.

My fragrance is fading as I look at the desert around me.

The oasis is nowhere to be seen.


Instead, a mirage has shown itself and I look toward it as though it would come near me.

I can't believe that I fell for it again.

Every time you say you'd see me,

You'd come up with an excuse not to.


Every time you say you'd call,

somehow something else gets in the way.

You're tired.

I'm tired.

We're both tired.


I'm seeing the realization of what I have to do and yet again I have to

Embarrassed, I try to uproot myself from this desert prison I willingly place myself in.

The soil is no longer fertile...or was it even fertile to begin with?

I allowed myself to be fooled yet again.


Am I an idiot?

What the hell is wrong with me?

Did I rub the lamp the wrong way?

Did the genie trick me?


It was a serpent that bit me,

Which gave me these illusions because

The poison that went through to my head

Got me thinking you were actually


Good for me.



You are sucking the life out

Of me and claiming it is

Because of your sickness.


Why do I try anymore?

Why do I allow myself to believe in anything?

This nihilistic view is looking more appealing.

It makes more sense.


Why believe in anything at all

When everything has blown up in my face

Over and over again

No matter how much I try?


I'm already dead.




Illness Or Neglect



When is it neglect?


When is it your mental illness?


When is it both?


I'm tired of neglecting my needs and catering to yours.


My open-mindedness had exploded in my face. My devotion to you has turned into stepping on eggshells, but the shells are now piercing my skin.


When is it part of what you go through on a daily basis, or the part where you can't control it or fight it? When do you need me? When do I fight for myself?


When is it selfish of me to think of myself?


When is it time for me to speak up and let you know that I'm tired of giving you space when really I need to close this gap between us...or separate myself?


These lines are so blurry and perhaps the cloth I'm cleaning my glasses with leave smudges that distort what our relationship really looks like.


I have no earthly idea.


I'm frustrated.

I'm caving in.

I am afraid to tell you.


But I'm afraid that if I don't tell you, my vision will go from blurry to gone.


Then you won't have to tell me to leave you alone.


I would have already left without a trace...




As I am dating this gentleman who is older than I am, I am realizing a huge difference between our ages. He is 12 years my senior and although I don't consider that to be very huge, that is still 12 years apart. A lot has happened between our years that would be considered a significant difference. How I speak to people my age versus speaking to him is significantly different. Certain things he says I'm kind of like, "ok really? it is not that crucial," and then he turns around and does the same thing to me.


We got into a bit of a fuss--I call it a fuss because it is not that crucial and I thought it was quite ridiculous that he got angry at this--and then I realized quickly that I have to speak to him differently regardless of how I feel even if I like this guy. It's weird. I haven't dated this man for that long and I'm already thinking about this.


This other guy that I'm about to dump is all of 24 years old making me 9 years his senior. I've realized that I cannot put up with his childishness because he blatantly asked me to text a picture of my boobs and I told him that I don't want to do that yet. I have no qualms about sending that to him, but not until we really got comfortable with each other. Yeah...no...he's still asking. No more fun time with me. He is way too immature and he has no idea how polyamory works. No earthly idea and I realized that our relationship was purely sexual. It's like no.


My girlfriend, who is two years my junior is so mature and she and I have a beautiful relationship. I really love her and I can't wait to meet her next semester. Although she and I have had our arguments and our fair share of getting angry at each other, I remember my love for her and she is just so wonderful.


My husband and I are the same age. We're only 9 months apart. He and I see eye to eye on 90% of the things out there. I love him dearly and I really enjoy talking to him and he gets me. This is why I love him and I'll never leave him.


Age and dating...it's weird. LOL!




Last Free Weekend!

I am such a nerd that I decided to pursue a second master's degree. I'm going to attend Walden University and pursue my Master's in School Counseling in Academic Advising. I wish to do this because of a few reasons:


1. I was on a detour since my Bachelor's in Psychology.

2. My students have helped me make this decision that I belong in counseling.

3. I'm sick of teaching in a classroom; I feel I'm needed elsewhere.


When I completed my undergrad in Psychology, I really wanted to be a therapist. My academic advisor failed to mention that a Bachelor's degree in Psychology was pretty much a dead stop in the professional world. It was essentially a basket weaving degree unless you planned on going through and getting a Masters degree and risk being unemployed for a few years until you got a good break.


So...what did I do?


Besides cursing up a storm and feeling like a failure, I went into teaching. I was tricked by my dad! LMAO! I love my father, rest his soul, but he pissed me off because, after the first two years of teaching, I bitterly hated doing it. After year 3, that was when I thought back to my original dream. I wanted to help people who felt like they had no one to go to. I was essentially doing that with my students. They'd come to me for a lot of the things that many adults tend to overlook and think "it's just a phase." They're in middle school! It's a big deal for them! Why not acknowledge that for them and help them deal? Several students tended to tell me that they often preferred talking to me rather than the other counselors—or even their parents! Of course, I'd tell them the only reason why their parents were tough on them was because they wanted the best for them. I told them to give their parents a chance and try to understand that it's all for their benefit. Sure, I also acknowledge that sometimes parents can say things that might hurt, and they have a right to feel hurt, but to understand that it is meant to protect. Yeah, my father said some fucked up things to me, but as an adult, I see why...but it still hurt. Perhaps he didn't know a better way to tell me. As an adult, I see that he meant to prevent me from dealing with harsher consequences.


During my 4th year of teaching, I decided that I'd waited long enough. I was going to pursue this path into becoming a therapist. Instead of therapy, I decided that a counselor would be better. I'd start with working at the high school level or at a community college, then move into a university. I would love to work at my alma mater and help the students there. I'd love to do that because I think it would feel like I'm giving back. If not, there is a community college up the road I can try. :P


I think this is the right path for me because I feel comfortable. I feel this is where I will belong. I've essentially followed in my father's footsteps without even realizing it. Lol! I am my father's daughter although we weren't really super close.


Well, I wish myself luck in this endeavor and I know that I'll learn a lot of cool things. I am very excited. :D





This song:


I'm about to cry because it speaks deeply of what I've experienced in the past months. Read these lyrics. They're powerful.



by Alina Baraz & Galimatias


I only miss you when the sun goes down.

Oh, your voice is my favorite sound.

Swaying like the palm trees

You and me, we're poetry

Painting stories with our lips.


You're like a wave washing over me,

Pulling under me underneath

Sinking slowly.


You're like a wave washing over me

I'll stay underneath

Drifting slowly.


Foreign feelings that I can't ignore.

Oh I've never felt like this before

What's a king without a queen?

You could be my everything

Can't you see?


You're like a wave washing over me

Pulling me underneath

Sinking slowly.


You're like a wave washing over me

I'll stay underneath

Drifting slowly...


The violin sings until the end of the song.


It's over. I need to move forward and use the past as an example of what not to look for in the future. She missed out on something good and the way it was handled was not the best. It's ok. I hope she found what she was looking for because the door is closed on this side and locked with the key thrown into the sun where it shall be melted and no copy can be made. I've learned my lesson and I will use that to grow.


People are afraid of the love I give because they see that it does not waiver. If you can't handle my ability to love you unconditionally and strongly, then I'm not the right one for you and don't jump into something you're not sure of only to hurt me in the process. I'll never do that again and I will not allow that to disrupt the flow in my life. So after today, it will be as if your footprints in my mind have been washed away at the shore and you will cease to exist.






Recently, my hubby and I opened up our marriage fully. We are now fully poly instead of partial. I brought it to his attention that he was being unfair and ridiculous by denying a large chunk of my sexuality. I kept constantly telling him that I would never leave him and that we're partners for life. It finally got through, although he bitched a little, he finally knocked down our Berlin wall!




I believe I have my first date...with a man.


I'm both excited and a bit irritated. For me, it takes an act of Congress to get a date with a women. With men, all I have to do is stick my toe out in the street and they'll come flocking to me. It's annoying. Apparently, women are difficult for me to meet...even online. I swear they're allergic to me. Lololol.


I'm also freaking out because it's been a good 10 years since I've had a date with another man. I'm looking in my closet and I have nothing. I'm on a budget, and I do have some clothes, but I'm like a teenager, "Omg, I have nothing!!! " lmao! Anyway, I'm sitting here drinking coffee and thinking. Lol, and we're going to a coffee bar for or date too. He's a very interesting guy. We met on Fet, and he's an intelligent kink like I am. We're just going to be chatting about theories and what not. It's cool. I told my husband, he's like whatevs on it. I'm not going to plaster it in his face because I don't want him to get antsy, so I'm just going to have fun.


Plus, he asked me out first!!! I'm so amazed! Usually it's me! My husband was the last guy who asked me out first. So it's like, wowzers! This ought to be an interesting experience.


Wish me luck!


We're looking at today or Sunday. *crosses fingers for today*





Ah, my days here are at a close...I think I might make another trip out here. I just want to hang out with my friend more, but she didn't get a chance to call off, and she's out during the day and home at night. Well at least we had a nice dinner last night of some nice southern cooking. :P I loved my Chicken Fried steak! It was guuuud. Hehehehehe!


Today, my husband and I will attempt to visit the African American Museum here and the Samurai Collection. I really, really want to see both of these before I leave. I think this would make for a great last part of our trip. I think I've also gotten some ideas for my story. I am excited to know how my character would feel on a roadtrip. I totally had forgotten that and after this past roadtrip, I think I have enough fuel. I need to finish this book soon because I don't want it to be long and drag on and on. I'm gonna finish it, print it, and bind it so I can read through and make corrections. I feel that if I do that, I can see my actual manuscript and feel that it's a real book. I need to really get going on that book AND I need to finish editing the book my friend and I wrote together. That one is practically finished. I'll even put the link for you all to purchase on Kindle. :D Hehehehehe! Advertisements.


Is there a corner to advertise budding new authors? I think that should be a thing...that way the authors on Shys can have a place to support each other and others can put links to be able to purchase books. :) Just sayin. There probably already is a place and I'm just dumb and don't know where it is. Can someone link me, if so?


Alrighty, off to have fun now!




I am no Whitney Houston, Deborah Cox, or Mariah Carey. It's one of those things where if my voice wants to sound awesome, then it does. Other than that, I'd rather not put a YouTube video of me online singing because I'll get constant flack from callous idiots who think they know more about what it takes to become a good singer.


As a musician who plays instruments mostly, I like singing or humming to myself because music is like medicine. It heals in ways that human beings cannot even manage to do. Honestly, a song can really hit the nail on the head in a situation and if you're able to sing it, it's like people can totally feel you. I'm humming to my new love called "Sweet Day," by Tokimonsta. There are no lyrics, which is perfect for me. I love making up songs. It's like freestyle rapping except I horribly suck at rapping. LOL! But freestyle singing is awesome because when I sustain notes, I really feel it. Only few people have heard me sing and when I'm dating someone, I make songs for them to let them know how I feel about them. My husband has a few songs and he blushes when I sing to him. It's cute.


Lately I've been hurting a lot and I've been using song to get me through it all. I'm just playing all sorts of music that describe my mood exactly. It doesn't do good to dwell on negativity, but if the negativity won't come out, then sing it out. I sing in English, Spanish, and Portuguese now. It's awesome. The more languages I learn the more I'll use in my music.





If I could go back in time, I would be 22 again. Why? That was the year I met my husband. We were just happy and dating without responsibilities and I was just going to school. I didn't have to worry about anything. Sure I was getting to know my bisexual self, but that was the beauty of it. He was helping me get comfortable in my skin. I liked girls and he told me to be ok with that.


Now, it seems like no matter how hard I try I fail. Anything good that happens to me is automatically stifled and results in chaos and unnecessary bullshitery. Yes bullshitery.


Drinking wine and staring at a wall seems like the best option. Just one glass because the kind i have is enough to make you feel nicely buzzed to the point where you feel warm again, but not unhealthy. Plus a glass of red wine a day is not bad. I actually just have half glass...fuck it. I'm having my glass of fucking wine and calling it a day. I love the song "Whiskey and Wine" by 311.


Whiskey and wine,

Killing me

Shot at a time...


Just love it.


Right now at work, this song at work I'm listening to is hitting the spot


"Sweet Day" by Tokimonsta


I swear I could make love while listening to that song. Not that porn stuff, but sensual feeling your body in every inch type of making love.


But for me, it's quite opposite of Sweet Day...it is making me lose track of how fucked up my life actually is right now. This is my wine drinking song where I stare at the wall and lose myself. It's going on loop at home.


Now I shall go and try to be happy at work. We're having a rollie chair race in the hallway. LOL!





Oh dear goodness, I'm so glad the school year is over! Woot! It's like, a burden lifted every year. I'm sitting here watching my little ones take their exams and I tell you it is the most boring thing watching them bubble responses. Lol!


Anyway, summer vacation is licking at my neck and I'm like, "Ooooh, stahp teasing me!!" Lol! I have a lot planned, and I will finish a book of sorts. I'll post the link in one of my blogs and that way people can go have a look at it. I'm hoping my erotic novel will be the one to be completed. Then, the book with my friend will no doubt be completed soon. I am going to publish it to Kindle and this way many readers can download it. I want to make sure that the grammar is on point and that it is not a bore. I mean...to those who like erotica, I think that I'm alright. He he!


It is turning into a very nice story, by the way. I might have to pull back on the erotica and make it into a novel.


I'm also going to be doing a lot of sewing projects. This is going to be fun too. I'm making a costume for my gothic lolita outfit. It's red, one of my faves. I am going to incorporate a cat. I think Cats are cute too. I may just make a cat hat...I dunno.


I want to go to the beach on Saturday too. I'll have to check the weather and the schedule and see if I can do that. I want to draw and look at the waves. I don't stick my feet in the water. Nah, I'm good. Anyway, I'm going to skiddadle because I'm going to try and keep myself entertained.





Ok, I know this can be a somewhat controversial topic, but not really: Armpit hair!


*cues creepy alien music*


For the past few months, I have not felt the need to shave anything--even armpits!


I don't know, I feel like shaving was beaten into our heads to please man in a patriarchal society and that we were pitted against each other as the fashion police to say, "Hey, you're gross for not shaving!"


I used to be put off to women who didn't shave, but now I'm like "it's natural." Even my lil' munkey (that's what I've called her for years) hasn't been shaved and I don't even feel bad about it. I'm not even that hairy down there. My legs also don't really show hair that much and therefore I am trying to undo the years of teaching that hairy = gross and bad and change my way of thinking to hairy = natural and quit your bitchin.


My husband has never cared about bush or hairy armpits/legs. He takes me as I am and I love it. I don't care if my girlfriends have hair either. If they're hairy, then I say you go girl! If you're trimmed, you're kewl. If you're bare, then hey I'll lick ya. LOL! I had to say that. When it comes to hair, we're born with it and we're supposed to have hair. Plus it is a hassle to do shave and I'm extremely low maintenance in that retrospect. The only thing I do is get my hair retwisted (I have locs or "dreadlocks" for those who don't know what I mean), and I'll occasionally get a mani pedi because they feel good. Other than that, I am au naturale.


I will admit that shaved legs and lil' munkeys feel so soft and smooth and I'd only shave it to feel that, but after it grows out I don't feel the need to shave it unless I want to feel the softness. Lol! Yeah...I'm a bit outspoken on that stuff, but yeah.


Y'all have a lovely day!