Good day, ladies.
I have anxiety and depression, and I swear my studies in mental health have made me more and more aware of how mental illnesses can indeed affect our lives if we are not careful and don't have strategies in place to combat it. I've been with my therapist for 3 years, and I have come a long way, especially since my father died 4 years ago. It's like a battle, but with parts of those battles that I've slain evil dragons that try to creep up and tell me that I'm worthless or that I should worry about stupid shit. Honestly, I just hate when it attacks at random moments either by triggers, or it just shows up. Like today...
Today started out as an okay day. After I'd received some mild news about some mundane thing in the world, my brain goes, "ah yes...although this isn't that much of a terrible thing, let's dwell on that and bring in other shit that has nothing to do with why we want to make you feel like crap today! Yay!" Ughhhh! No one has been attacking me at all. No one has triggered anything. This is all me. Usually, I distract myself by talking to my husband who makes me laugh or surfing through my other social media sites and finding funny memes. Nope. After I've laughed, it just sticks. I know it will go away, eventually, but ugh.
I will say that I'm yet again irritated by the fact that I've tried to be more proactive in my search for another partner, but my efforts were in vain. I need to go on more outings with my special interest groups, but they only have it once a month. Then I literally just found out that they canceled this month's meeting due to our country's Independence Day on July 4th. *falls to my knees and cries* I was looking forward to meeting more people...this sucks horribly. I was looking forward to meeting some more people and making some acquaintances, and it just all gets snuffed out. I've taken breaks, and I swear, I don't have many friends with whom share my same or similar orientation and/or lifestyle. It's hard. It sucks being a bi, poly and married woman. I swear people think I'm a disease. I think I'm primarily angry at that.
Being Bisexual, Polyamorous, and Married Sucks
Why does it suck? It's not because I don't like being bisexual, married, and polyamorous. Oh no, personally, I love my orientation and my lifestyle. What sucks is that other people don't like it. This is a problem because I can BARELY find people who want to date me. They assume too much about me. The following assumptions prevent me from finding anyone:
1. "You're just another unicorn hunter."
This is far from the truth. While not judging those who practice unicorn hunting, I personally am not interested in finding another partner for the mere pleasures of having a threesome. No. It is not a sexual thing. Will people believe me? Nope. They still think about the last time they were with a married woman, and that married woman betrayed them. Kind of like how some lesbians refuse to date bisexual women because the last one betrayed them and left them for a man. That's pretty much how this assumption goes.
2. "This is just a glorified way of cheating. You are unhappy with your husband."
FFS, people do not understand the definition of what it means to be polyamorous. It is NOT cheating. Cheating is a form of DECEPTION. Nothing is deceiving about being polyamorous. If you are misleading people and you claim to be polyamorous, I've got one thing to say to you, "YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG!"
3. "I don't think you would have time for me. Plus, I don't want to get jealous or anything."
One, you don't know me well enough to know whether or not I have time for you. Plus, I've managed time to talk to you, so I believe I'm good at managing my time. Two, jealousy arises in monogamous AND polyamorous relationships. How you deal with jealousy is what makes the relationship either stronger or weaker. In polyamory, we talk about it and find the catalyst from where the jealousy arose. Then we combat it. However, if you're that worried about being jealous, then why are you talking to me in the first place?
Those are my top three that prevent me from merely getting a damn date. It makes me want to give up. It makes me want to just begrudgingly be monogamous to prevent any more irritation with my search of another partner. Seriously, I don't know what to do. It's a coin toss.
Issues that arise when I DO find someone:
1. They think I'm a solution to their marital problems.
My last ex-girlfriend was a piece of work. Although we communicated via online and phone for 3 months before our first date, she revealed all this shit about her husband and another woman who essentially was the catalyst for their marital problems. There were severe trust issues between her and her husband, and finally, I was like, "Are you even ready to add on another relationship in addition to the bs you're dealing with now??" Why I allowed myself to get into this situation, I have no idea. I'll take the blame for that one. I should have just said no.
2. They take advantage of me...or they try.
I am not using the word advantage in a means of illegal activity, but I am talking about they use me for their own malicious needs and leave me dry. Same ex gf used me to advance herself in a field we both had an interest in, but she was aware I was trying to develop myself in this same area. She used MY resources to get her way into it and reap the benefits of my hard work. Yeah, she was a horrible person.
3. They magically do not have time for me or do not respect my life.
I'm not talking occasionally. Life does happen, and sometimes there may be times when we won't talk. I'm talking about they can't even send a quick text to me. I've known a small percentage who have managed to keep in contact via text, and I was fine. The last few people have sucked at it. Their excuses where asinine too. It isn't fair that I devote some of my time to you, and you don't do the same to me. This is where I miss one of my exes because she was very good at ensuring that she made me feel loved and cared for. We were fine then. Unfortunately, she's the one that got away.
The latter portion of this issue is that I cannot be as open as I'd like to be due to my job. It doesn't mean that I am ashamed of my partner; unfortunately, there are jobs out there who do not support the LGBTQ+ community nor do they support polyamorous dynamics. Until I get into my other career, I have to stay closeted. I do know LGBTQ friendly hangouts in my area, but that person has to be mindful of me. There was one girl who had an issue with this AND could not manage her time. She suddenly realized that she had parental responsibilities as well as had issues with me being partially closeted. She knew very well that she was a mother and that her child had needs. Why, all of a sudden, have they become more apparent when you deliberately took time out of your schedule to talk to me for nearly 2 damn months? Also, I hardly ever had issues with my partners knowing that I have to be partially closeted for job purposes, but this one girl was obnoxious. The simple answer "just don't work for them!" does not work anymore. I have responsibilities to meet and bills to pay. Are you going to pay my bills? No. Either deal with it or leave. She chose to leave. Goodbye. Have a nice life!
4. The one that got away...
These are people who I matched with, but due to some life circumstances, we were better off separated. This sucks. This hurts more because I've developed an attachment to them, and it's like...gah. I was so close! Sheesh!
Oh well. I shall continue to torture myself by not giving up and trying again while taking breaks. Surely there is someone out there who will respect me and my dynamics. Strangely men tend to be a bit more open than women, but I have met those men who feel similarly about the jealousy part. I just hate when I meet men who try to compare themselves to my husband. It is not a fucking competition! Why do they even do that? They try to see whose cock is bigger instead of caring about being in a relationship with me. Then they worry constantly about whether my husband knows or not. If I tell them that I've spoken with and showed their picture to my husband, then why do they constantly worry? I have daily conversations with my husband, and we talk about the partners with whom we are either interested. Where is the issue? Why keep asking if you know I regularly communicate with my husband? There is no issue! Get over it!
I think that, largely, they're not used to it and someone has betrayed them in the past. Aye, there's the rub.
Anyway, onward march. I think talking about this has helped me minimize my depressive symptoms. Although it is not completely gone, I can still be glad that I feel a small percentage better having written this out and seeing it clearly in black and white. Perhaps I can find more online poly groups. I just wish there was a local poly community where I can have friends who are poly and just talk to them and vent.