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Rejection Hurts

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Hi Ladies

SPOILER ALERT: If affairs and cheating are going to trigger you, this isn't the post for you. Sorry!!!  Also, this is long. Like Super long, So either settle in, or move along... On the bright side if you happen to be an insomniac late night scrolling..... you may fall asleep before the end. Haha 

I have just found my way back to this site, after quite a long period away from it, and reading my old posts it all feels so far away from where we are now. I am still married to my husband, who is a wonderful loving and patient man. We are still hoping to find a girlfriend to share in our love and life. Hopefully this possibility opens more, not less, with the passage of time as the children get older and require less from us. Our youngest is only 8 at the time of writing this though, so we still have considerable time left before she has any form of life of her own. 

So, nothing ever did eventuate between myself and the braless flirty friend with whom I was feeling "hopeful." Haha In fact, sadly, our friendship didn't last because in the end I felt she was using me, playing games and exploiting my feelings for her. On the other hand, teacher did come back into my life, which surprised me hugely, I thought that was done and dusted. It wasn't easy to navigate, and I can't lie and say we are completely healthy with one another, a few unhealthy patterns still exist between us, and I'm not completely sure I'm over her. I mean, I am, but were she to try something, I couldn't promise I wouldn't go there. In any case, we have developed healthy attachments too at this point, and I do feel like she is one of my closest friends at the moment. I am grateful for second chances there, however as far as I know she remains 100% heterosexual and not interested in me. Lol She is going through IVF to have a baby on her own, and I will be interested to see if her becoming a mother impacts our bond in any way. I still don't expect a romantic relationship. 

Anyway, at some point after this I guess, we met Nurse. We started chatting to her online and eventually agreed to meet up. Nurse didn't really look like her pictures, to be honest, she knew how to work the camera angles to say the least, but I actually liked her more in person. Her body wasn't perfect and I prefer that because mine sure isn't. I took her out, and she held my hand proudly in public, introduced me to her friends and seemed really into me. She also spent time with hubby alone, although not as much as with me, and the relationship seemed to work.... except she didn't want kids, and to be honest didn't seem to like ours. That was always going to be an issue because we are a family so if you want to be part of that life, there is no avoiding it. Example we were planning to take her on a cruise with us, but she didn't want us to take the kids. I understand this, surely it would be better without them... but we have nobody who is going to watch them so we can take our lover on holiday! haha I wish! Lol 

Anyway, that wasn't the reason it ended, although it would have been, ultimately had something else not ended it first. Her ex came into the picture and caused drama's, there was broken trust, and after that she seemed to spend more time apologising for letting us down than making it up to us. She stood me up at least once, and cancelled hubbys birthday celebration trip away in favour of a trip with said ex boyfriend. Although she was open minded, I think essentially she decided a relationship with just one person was better for her than with a couple. (I realise I make us sound blameless in this story, which is unfair on her. Due to our responsibilities at home, we were often unflexible, and uninteresting to someone who wanted to party etc....)

I was upset at the loss of that relationship for what it represented more than the person as such. It lasted around 6 months. I know.... half a year? But it gave me hope that with the right person maybe it could work because there wasn't really too many jealousy issues there or anything, it worked well. We all enjoyed our alone time and our threesomes. Hehe  It spurred me on to find someone else. 

I joined a dating site for lesbians, essentially, and I met Postie. Postie was a wonderfully attractive lesbian, although she lived with her male partner also. I was so thrilled to meet someone in a similarly complicated situation. Although I always wondered if Postie was attracted to me, I didn't feel I was good enough for her, and so we never took it there. She did try to a few times when she was drunk... but the fact that she needed beer goggles before I was naked filled me with fear. Anyway, postie and I became very close friends for a while and to this day I miss her alot. Postie was still on the dating sites too and I enjoyed her stories of relationships with different women, although I was jealous that she could have those relationships with women to herself and not share them with her man. women dropped at her feet. It was amazing to watch. Postie was a player! Lol It was very interesting to see, however I didn't realise it was jading my opinions of her and I was probably unfairly judging her. In the end she met Clerk. Her and Clerk were just friends, and she introduced me to Clerk too. Clerk and I became friends. Clerk was not a player, she was sweet and gentle in nature like me and I felt she heard the things I did not say. She understood me. I loved Clerk easily and quickly. Nothing ever happened between Clerk and I, aside from harmless flirting, for 2 main reasons. Firstly Clerk was a gold star lesbian, which I learned means has never been with a man and never intends to be with one. So she could not be what I hoped. Secondly, Clerk was pretty taken with Postie. Although they were only friends and Postie told me multiple times all the reasons whys she would never date Clerk romantically, and how Clerk was not good enough for her... eventually they hooked up anyway. Postie asked me to lie to Clerk on several occassions and eventually I had to remove myself from that situation because I did not believe Postie was going to be good to Clerk. Postie and I argued about something trivial, and very nasty words were spoken on both sides, until no words were ever spoken again. I lost Clerk in the battle too. My Facebook stalking indicates that they are still happy and very much in love, over a year later, so maybe I misjudged that situation and let go of 2 very meaningful friendships over nothing. I regret not minding my on business. 

Alas, I stayed on the sites and eventually met Bellydancer. Bellydancer is stunning, but again, out of my league, besides which I don't think we have enough in common to sustain more than a friendship nor the emotional capacity that each of us requires. Bellydancer had a husband too, but over the time I have known her she has separated from him and pursued women exclusively. I value her as she is open minded. She has dated couples before although isn't currently interested in men at all. 

I was talking to one of my straight friends about Bellydancer and how disappointing it was that Bellydancer and I couldn't have more spark, as I was attracted to her and she has dated couples. On paper it seemed to have potential. My friend, Life Coach, seemed very curious and interested in our situation and began flirting with me. It seemed she saw Bellydancer as competition even though I was clear nothing was happening there. Coach had recently lost lots of weight and had some surgery to help her feel better about her body. I suspect she liked the attention and was getting her quota of all the attention she missed out on when she was younger. Coach has a husband, however they were on rocky terms as he had recently caught her cheating. That doesn't make what happened next ok, and I know that. Hubby and I embarked on an affair with coach for about a year. While I wasn't cheating on my husband, it was an affair in that her husband did not know about it. It was not heavily sexual as she had alot of guilt about her marriage and many body issues. I think she justified to herself that being with me was not cheating as I am female, and being with him didn't count if he didn't penetrate her. (I think that only ever happened once although they kissed and were intimate in all the other ways)  It was a strange affair, heavily emotional, dysfunctional sexual, and intermittently overly affectionate. It met her need for attention and met my need for intimacy with a woman. (NOTE Her previous affair was similarly dysfunctional and she blamed him for being with a married woman. She took no responsibility for her choices. You can guess how this became relevant later, right? Yeah. I saw it coming, although that doesn't make it easier!) 

At first my husband was ok with things, but as she gradually pulled away from him he became increasingly jealous and despondent about me seeing her alone, even on non sexual terms. This was difficult to navigate as she was my friend and we had always enjoyed time together alone before this. She really pulled away after my birthday weekend in August, where we went away together but did not get intimate because my husband was very ill and I had just had surgery and then put my back out. I think she felt very rejected by this, and I regret the timing of it all but it couldn't be helped. I tried hard to maintain something and sometimes we were friends and sometimes we were more than friends.... and the uncertainty ruffled me. I couldn't deal with it - I found I'd spend our meetings together longing for her to take my hand, while she didn't seem to even notice I existed. I would try and hold her hand but increasingly she rejected it. We went to the outdoor cinema and she ignored my advances and told me about a woman who had kissed her that weekend when she was drunk. I did wonder if I was meant to be jealous, but she made it seem like this advance was unwelcome and so we laughed it off... I wasn't sure how to feel. I took her on a date to a dayspa and when I tried for the final time to be intimate with her she said there were cameras and I was making her uncomfortable. (She hadn't cared about this earlier in our entanglement) I chose to take the hint that the relationship had run it's course. I cried that whole week but vowed not to make her tell me she didn't want me anymore, as it may break our friendship and she shouldn't have to feel guilty for her feelings. The next time we caught up she told me she had never felt happier. It was a kick in the guts. I pulled back emotionally. 

Coach felt this. She was angry with me at one point even snapping and calling me a lazy mole. I laughed that off too, but I wasn't sure why she was so angry with me when it appeared she was the one who didn't want this anymore and was saying hurtful things while I was trying my hardest to protect our friendship at great expense to myself. The last time we saw each other she informed me she was getting with a friend from work and her husband. She told me how they fooled around and she lost her earring and how she was hoping to plan sleepovers with this other woman now that her husband was working away. Finally it all made sense, why she had lost interest in me, although why she is angry with me is still unclear. She blames me I guess.  We have a standing catch up, weekly. I was dreading the last one because I felt she was only going to tell me about this new couple and their kinky weekend together, but then she cancelled on me.  This was a relief. We hardly spoke after that. I did see her pull into my driveway and creep back to the car and quickly drive away to deliver my son's birthday card. I thanked her for it without mentioning I saw her deliver it without saying hello. She knew I was home. That hurt. She spoke about her upcoming holidays, didn't ask how I was and we ended the conversation. Today was our 8 year friendship anniversary on Facebook, and neither of us chose to acknowledge it.

I write an anonymous blog  about friendships because I am aware that I have issues with friendships (all the above have failed and that can't be normal! Lol) and I wrote a post about how it is hard to go from being friends with benefits to friends without benefits and she put a sad face on it. I thought maybe that meant she wasn't angry with me anymore, maybe she could empathize that she was hurting me.... we are meant to catch up tomorrow. Neither of us has cancelled - perhaps due to our friendship anniversary, but the fact we chose not to acknowledge it says it all - there is no friendship left there now. I suspect tomorrow will pass and we may never speak again. Sigh. Not for a very long time anyway. This may be better than having an angry ending that is hard to recover from, I'm not sure. 

I guess this is my karma for embarking on an affair with her in the first place, and I will accept accountability for that. She wasn't mine to have, she promised me nothing and that is exactly what she delivered. I will not tell her husband about this or anything like that. I have talked to my husband about it because the sleepover thing bothered me. Even if she had wanted me to sleep over with her, he would not have been ok with that. It has become clear that while I feel secure enough within our marriage to introduce other women and trust he will still choose me, he is filled with dread that I will prefer her, that I will leave him for her, or become resentful if he tries to stop me seeing her. On some level this is valid, however the reason we are doing it this way is so that I don't have to lie, so that I can have both partners and have his blessing to meet the needs in me that a woman can, emotionally, physically and mentally. I don't want him stopping me from seeing her, I want to be free to choose and for them to do the same, which I know will sometimes mean I am also not chosen. 

So, I am still on the sites, looking for a girlfriend for us to share. Someone who wants me and not just my attention. Options are limited and it will probably be a very long time before we meet anyone again. But I am still hopeful, we have learned so much from this, and for now I know I need to find ways to assure my husband that I want this with him not instead of him. Life has no guarantees, but I have no plans of leaving him for a woman. I suspect if I were single, my quest for a woman would be much simpler, it might be easier to leave him and find a her for myself. But that isn't what I want.  

I guess for now I will just have to keep watching You Me Her on Netflix and living vicariously! Lol Who else is loving that show?!!! 

If you made it this far, thanks for reading. I guess I really just needed to get that all out. I hope next time I read this, all of this will seem like a silly memory from a very long time ago like my previous posts do now! 

If this triggered you and you hate me now for the affair, I apologise. I did warn you! 

<3 Kat xx

PS Yes, I am still looking for new platonic friends too. Sexuality non heterosexual preferred but not essential!

KittiKat

KittiKat

 

Summer Lovin' And All The Triggers!

Hi Ladies,   I know this post wont be relevant to most of you, being that I am in OZ and it is summer time here while you are all rugged up for a white christmas and new years.   I always struggle with my longings for women in summer. So many short skirts, dresses, shorts, tight clothes, braless breasts in summer dresses. I hate that it makes me sound like such a pervert that I notice these things, but alas I can not change that I am very much attracted to the female form. Right now in my life there is nowhere to place these longings. While we do continue our search for a girlfriend, there are so few women actually interested in dating a couple.   We have started visiting strip clubs, not to pick up women, but as a way for me to express and experience my sexuality outside of a girlfriend. I do enjoy these visits, and the women there do a convincing job of flirting with me although I know they get paid to do this. Lol While I enjoy it, I am not sure if it helps or hinders me in calming my longing down.   I am trying not to blame myself for the lack of interest from women, not to take the consistent rejection personally and harm myself with it, so this seems as good a space as any to at least express that I don't understand and I wish women were attracted to me the way I am to them. I have tried very hard to stop my addiction to crushing on straight women, but as summer approaches I once again find myself lusting over them and longing for physical intimacies with my friends as they bare their skin.   I struggle so much with this longing. I read somewhere that grief is just love with no place to go. Well that sums up how I feel so accurately. I have this love, affection and desire for women with nowhere to put it. Sometimes I feel I would give my life to feel the soft swell of a woman's breasts in my hands, to taste the sweetness of her lips, run my fingers through her hair, feel her fingers intertwined with mine, or just gaze into her eyes.   On the one hand I will probably never give up the hope that this could be a reality for me, and will continue to chase my dreams. On the other hand I wonder if I would be happier if I gave up. Maybe it is the hope that crushes me, you know? Crushes. Lol Such an accurate term,   Interestingly I would have said I am much happier this year than I was last year, despite the fact that last year I was thinner and we did infact have a girlfriend. I suppose I must be feeling lonely. If I felt I had a best friend I could talk to about this I would be talking to her right now. Unfortunately while I have friends, I don't feel closely connected to any of them right now. Which bares the question -- is it a girl friend or a best friend I seek?   Maybe it is an impossible fantasy, but what I seek is for one person to be both things.   Anyway, the point of this post is just to express my frustration that I am surrounded by the things that I want and can not have. It seems so cruel and unfair. Added to that I don't feel I have anywhere to express this grief I feel without people labelling me as greedy because I already have so much happiness in my life. Alternatively people are fast to point out that it is my couple status that holds me back. I don't know how pointing out the obvious is supposed to make me feel better. I just want someone to hug me and tell me they understand that my heart hurts because I can't find the things that I long for. I want someone to tell me they understand why summer is triggering for me and how hard it is. I want someone, a female someone, to love me back. I don't think that is so hard to understand. I want to enjoy my sexuality not feel trapped and isolated by it.   Tell me someone here understands? Please? Sigh.   Kat xx

KittiKat

KittiKat

 

Summer Lovin' And All The Triggers!

Hi Ladies,   I know this post wont be relevant to most of you, being that I am in OZ and it is summer time here while you are all rugged up for a white christmas and new years.   I always struggle with my longings for women in summer. So many short skirts, dresses, shorts, tight clothes, braless breasts in summer dresses. I hate that it makes me sound like such a pervert that I notice these things, but alas I can not change that I am very much attracted to the female form. Right now in my life there is nowhere to place these longings. While we do continue our search for a girlfriend, there are so few women actually interested in dating a couple.   We have started visiting strip clubs, not to pick up women, but as a way for me to express and experience my sexuality outside of a girlfriend. I do enjoy these visits, and the women there do a convincing job of flirting with me although I know they get paid to do this. Lol While I enjoy it, I am not sure if it helps or hinders me in calming my longing down.   I am trying not to blame myself for the lack of interest from women, not to take the consistent rejection personally and harm myself with it, so this seems as good a space as any to at least express that I don't understand and I wish women were attracted to me the way I am to them. I have tried very hard to stop my addiction to crushing on straight women, but as summer approaches I once again find myself lusting over them and longing for physical intimacies with my friends as they bare their skin.   I struggle so much with this longing. I read somewhere that grief is just love with no place to go. Well that sums up how I feel so accurately. I have this love, affection and desire for women with nowhere to put it. Sometimes I feel I would give my life to feel the soft swell of a woman's breasts in my hands, to taste the sweetness of her lips, run my fingers through her hair, feel her fingers intertwined with mine, or just gaze into her eyes.   On the one hand I will probably never give up the hope that this could be a reality for me, and will continue to chase my dreams. On the other hand I wonder if I would be happier if I gave up. Maybe it is the hope that crushes me, you know? Crushes. Lol Such an accurate term,   Interestingly I would have said I am much happier this year than I was last year, despite the fact that last year I was thinner and we did infact have a girlfriend. I suppose I must be feeling lonely. If I felt I had a best friend I could talk to about this I would be talking to her right now. Unfortunately while I have friends, I don't feel closely connected to any of them right now. Which bares the question -- is it a girl friend or a best friend I seek?   Maybe it is an impossible fantasy, but what I seek is for one person to be both things.   Anyway, the point of this post is just to express my frustration that I am surrounded by the things that I want and can not have. It seems so cruel and unfair. Added to that I don't feel I have anywhere to express this grief I feel without people labelling me as greedy because I already have so much happiness in my life. Alternatively people are fast to point out that it is my couple status that holds me back. I don't know how pointing out the obvious is supposed to make me feel better. I just want someone to hug me and tell me they understand that my heart hurts because I can't find the things that I long for. I want someone to tell me they understand why summer is triggering for me and how hard it is. I want someone, a female someone, to love me back. I don't think that is so hard to understand. I want to enjoy my sexuality not feel trapped and isolated by it.   Tell me someone here understands? Please? Sigh.   Kat xx

KittiKat

KittiKat

 

Expect Nothing, You Wont Be Disappointed.

Hello,   It's been a while since I've written and judging by the titles of my blogs they were mostly about Teacher. I wish I could tell you I was over her. It's been over a year since we had any meaningful personal contact, although it is comforting in a way to at least say we have moved past the tense silence to being able to exchange a pleasant hello when we pass at school. Still there is a part of me that longs for her to reach out and ask me for more. And that is the reason I don't reach out myself, because I still essentially long for something she can not give me. Love. There is an emptiness that comes with this level of acceptance. The emptiness and quiet scare me.   I went on dating sites to fill the silence with noise, and I met a woman who would become an important friend to me. She is a lesbian woman, so can not fill the need in my life for a girlfriend that I share with my husband. Things did get a bit confusing when she tried to kiss me last year, and I had to turn her down. I would only hurt her by not choosing her. We remain friends. Sometimes I think she wants more from me and I am wary because I don't want to hurt her the way Teacher hurt me. Other times I want to slap my ego for even entertaining the idea that she likes me when she seems to have an endless supply of women coming and going from her life.   I am not sure if I blogged about it, but I did the unthinkable and fell for my platonic best friend. Things have never been the same since and I mostly feel like we are not even friends any more. I am lost without her. I wanted to end it and leave her because it is so different with us now. We never really talk and when we do, she doesn't give me the time I need. I feel like I annoy her. But when I tried to leave she begged me to stay. So I stay and I endure watching her move away from me emotionally and I try to find other people to talk to. None of them understand me like she did. Making me stay and letting me go slowly is clearly my punishment for falling for her. Sometimes she still gives me butterflies although she does try really hard not to, you can tell. I know that comes from a place of kindness, not wanting to encourage my feelings for her. And usually I don't have those feelings for her now, just occasionally she will smile at me and I feel a connectedness that makes my heart fill with love for this woman and I feel it everywhere! It's probably just a longing for what we had before.   She encouraged me on the sites, and eventually I met Nurse. Nurse was so pretty and I couldn't believe she would even consider dating us. We chatted online for a while and she agreed to meet us. She was still at uni, and was on her Prac, so she said she would meet us when that finished. It seems like a reasonable request. I didn't know this person and I had no expectations. In hindsight, her waiting to meet us was indicative of the level of priority we would meet in her life. I should have realised then that her level of excitement was not going to match my own.   We met her and we dated her and although it was lovely, something was missing. When she kissed me I felt like she was "letting me" a feeing I have had before from straight women. I asked her if she was straight and she was angry. Her words always said she was just as excited about me as I am about her, but her actions were lacking. It bugged me. It got to the point that she hadn't seen us for 3 weeks. She is only a 20 minute drive from us and she has a car. She was meant to come over for my husband's birthday, but she had to work. Apparently. It was going to be the only time we had seen her in 3 weeks, and the last time we would see her for a few more as she agreed to go on a trip with her friend. This upset me because she could afford to take 2 weeks off work unpaid to go on this trip, but could not say no to one shift for us. I haven't spoken to her since. It's not officially over as she is still away, but if she makes contact when she returns I will end it. This will be hard because I know there will be a long wait before we meet someone else. Also she will tell me what I want to hear, but her actions tel the real story I must stay strong and hold onto my truth on that.   Some of my friends think I am being unreasonable. That of course she needed the money, that would be extra spending money for her trip. That I can not expect to come before work and her studies. I see what they are saying. And I do not expect to come first everytime. But I think I have to come first some times. I expect to come first.   I don't expect to be let down. I don't expect someone to have to reassure me that they like me and blame me for being insecure. I think if they made me feel secure I would already know that they like me. I expect that if you say you will spend time with me that you will do it. I expect that you wont want to upset me and let me down and if you do, I expect you to care.   Yet these expectations seem to be where I am constantly and consistently let down. I feel like I should lower my expectations, but when I try, there is this feeling of pressure inside of me that I am trying to be ok with things that I shouldn't be ok with. It leads me to say nothing when I should say something, then I explode at the same behaviour that they thought was ok because I never said anything the first time.   I just feel stuck. It hasn't worked out with Nurse, and I feel like it will never work out with anyone because perhaps I expect too much from people. I expect them to be excited about me and make me a priority, and they never do.   Now I have a whole stack of gifts that I was collecting for Nurse, for Valentines and for her birthday. It makes me sad. I give too much and expect too little. Yet people keep telling me I expect too much and that I should expect nothing. But how do you do that?

KittiKat

KittiKat

 

Letting Go

Yes this post is about Teacher. Yes it has been 3 months since we have even spoken, since I told her goodbye. Yes I am still in love with her. Yes I am still talking about it 3 months later....   Yesterday was her birthday. I know she expected to hear from me and I think she hoped to hear from me. I did nothing. I said nothing. And it hurt so much, because I know that I hurt her with my silence. On her birthday no less. That she will think I am indifferent, that I have moved on, that I don't care anymore kills me.   I do care. I still care too much. And it was difficult because nearly every part of me wanted to reach out to her, to make things better. I could with just a few words. I could ease her pain.   But I can no longer ease her pain at the expense of my own. In saying no to her I am giving myself permission to be free. I am saying yes to my own happiness. I am not happy now, but it will come. If I stay in this sad cycle with her I wont ever be happy because she makes me unhappy. How can someone I adore make me so unhappy? It is illogical. I don't understand it. But I know it needs to end.   When we drove home from our weekend away she sang me the song "Say something, I'm giving up on you" and I ignored her. Yesterday I felt her give up on me. She felt me give up on her. And now I listen to the lyrics over and over and I cry. It's me singing it to her now. How can silence be the most powerful communication?   "I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you. Anywhere I would have followed you. You're the one that I love and I'm saying goodbye"   Goodbye sweet girl. Happy birthday. I hope you find what you are looking for. I'm so sorry. I love you. My silence was your gift. Please know that. I miss you   The opposite of love is indifference. I will never feel indifferent about you. This hurts. We will be happier this way. Please trust me.   Love always, Kat xxx

KittiKat

KittiKat

 

Feeling Hopeful

I am trying to ignore the little voice in my head that tells me I am setting myself up for another fall. Because you know what? Even if that is true, feeling hopeful feels better than feeling hopeless and I guess none of us have any guarantees that things we are hopeful about will eventuate the way we hope they will....   Brief recap - Hubby and I briefly dated a woman, and both developed strong feelings for her, but ultimately she left us and went back to her ex before things really even got going. Disappointed, embarrassed and hurt I declined her offer of continued friendship and cut contact. Long story short, after a bit of an extended break from her, we reconnected - only as friends.   Side note. This woman identifies as heterosexual, though open. She has experimented with another lesbian friend briefly and came to the conclusion that she is not a lesbian, but she remains open to the possibilities and is a sexual and affectionate person by nature.   So at first our friendship was clear and there were boundaries that I appreciated she made clear. In response to her partner's (male) discomfort at our becoming friends again, I promised her I would "behave" and did try to do that for a while. I never did tell her I no longer have feelings for her, or that I do have feelings for her, but I think I have made a few little comments that should clarify it for her. (Comments such as "well I wouldn't know what to say to your partner if he asked me if I have feelings for you, except to say that it's not relevant." Or "Well I call you this nickname because your name is so similar to the other girl's name - teacher - and I can't be in love with 2 women called this and that" ) So I think she knows that there are still feelings there for me.   Anyway, she started not wearing a bra around me - I posted about this on the forums. It caused me much internal conflict, because I both loved and hated it all at once. And I decided for the greater good of our friendship I should tell her to wear a bra. It came up in conversation and I admitted to her that I "notice" when she isn't wearing one and I know she didn't want me "noticing" those sorts of things and having "feelings" towards her (awkward much! Lol) so she should probably put them away. She said she didn't mind at all that I "notice" and she was just being herself. She said I could see them if I wanted to?!! WTF?! Lol so I laughed and said I would make her show me one day when we were drinking. She smiled and said "we could play strip poker?!" and I said No fucking way (her body is amazing. Mine isn't - to say the least. If she doesn't find me attractive with clothes on, then removing them will not improve things, let me assure you. I am not being harsh on myself either - it's just an unfortunate fact) And so she said "OOOH We could play spin the bottle!!" I said "Ok, just you and me will play and you wont regret it." Then her son came in crying and that was the end of that conversation. She put on a bra and asked if that was better and appolgised for making me feel bad. "Bad" was not the word I used, nor would I have. But I didn't correct her to "turned on and frustrated" haha   Then I was helping her make her bed (not pushing her down onto it and kissing her like I so wanted to do - gee I hope she doesn't read this blog! Lol ) and she said "Oh you need help" and I said "I need more help than you can give me honey" (referring to my psychological state) and she said "No, I probably could help you, if I didn't have this need for a man in my life, you know?" I reminded her that I offered her the compassionate man she seeks too, and that she didn't want it. Then I just said "Anyway, I was referring to psychological help dear" and she said "Well, that's awkward" And then I stubbed my toe on the bed leg and that changed the topic again.   She has also said and done other cryptic things that make me wonder if she wants to know if she still has a shot with me and hubby. I spoke to him about it and he is keen for me to "win her back" and that actually surprised me because before that he was all like "She made her choice" and now he is all about "second chances" Lol. And I wonder if it is really me that she wants, or is open to or curious about rather, not him. And I find myself feeling hopeful that we will have an affair, of the friends with benefits nature. She has strong views about cheating and I don't think she would really consider it, but maybe she doesn't consider it cheating because we are both women? I hope so!! Lol   Maybe she just wants to know if she has options and wants to hold onto the idea that we are her back up plan. She is unhappy with her partner mostly. She feels stuck with him now as she just moved into his house and has nowhere else to go. Last time they argued I was going to mention to her that she could come back, if she wanted to, but by the time I spoke to her again they had made up and she was super in love with him again. Sigh. Patience is a virtue...   Teacher played with me alot, and I could feel that she was just playing. This one it feels different. She really likes me. She wants to see and talk to me everyday. She says things that make me think my affection is not unwanted or unreciprocated. But then I wonder if she just feels sorry for me and is trying to boost my self esteem by making me feel wanted from the safety of her monogamous heterosexual relationship. She has mentioned a 4 way but my husband would never participate in that. Neither would I.   I dunno, but I hope something happens! I will be drinking with her at some point so I can see her boobs and play spin the bottle! I hope! Lol But even if nothing happens and she is just humoring me, I hope I never find out, because feeling like she likes me back, even if we can't act on it, is so much nicer than feeling like I have another hopeless crush on another poor unlucky straight girl. Even if I do! Lol   Wish me luck   Kat xx   PS Regarding last blog - I did find a friend to take to the event, and the event was crap. Lol shouldn't have bothered. Also invited an acquaintance out to the outdoor cinema. Only one way to make more friends, and that is to try and make more friends. I hope it goes somewhere.

KittiKat

KittiKat

 

Do I Even Have Any Friends?

It's a sad day for me, and this will be a bit woe is me because, well, it is my blog and that is exactly how I feel right now...   Those of you that follow my blog will know that I had an inappropriate friendship / flirtationship with my son's teacher which as I am sure most of you can predict left me in tears. More than once. We had a falling out in about October last year and it was fairly serious. I thought it was over for good, but she came back with a big apology and we tried to continue on. Over Christmas we spoiled each other as we always did and I bought her expensive tickets to an even we were going to go to together. And I bought tickets for a popular comedian for her birthday next month. These tickets cost me over $500. Then we fell out again. I should have seen that coming, right? Yeah. Totally. But I was so excited she was back in my life I guess....   Anyway, I arranged for another friend to go to the first event with me and it was hard work lining up a date to go. In the end I had to negotiate with the company to allow us to do it late Feb - even though the tickets expired at the end of Feb... So my friend and I both arranged babysitters and we were set to go. I confirmed on Saturday, as that was required. My friend rang me today and cancelled. I told her it was no problem, that I would be able to get someone else to go...   And that is what brings me to wondering if I even have any friends at all. I first asked my ex girlfriend who I am still great friends with because she had a baby and complained that nobody ever asks her anywhere anymore.... but she is going to her partners friend's farewell party. So I asked Poly girl because I had only just spoken to her about it today and she had said she would love something like that. But she couldn't go because she has agreed to help clean out her partner's mothers garage that afternoon.   So I asked my bestie. I knew it would be an imposition for her because her partner is fly in fly out and he will be away that weekend. Also she has just moved house last weekend and has much to sort at the new place, and it is her weekend with the kids not her ex husband's - so finding a sitter short notice and abandoning her new house and her time with her girls is a big ask. She hasn't gotten back to me. She does this when she is going to let me down. It's not her fault. I knew it was a long shot...   So I am sitting here thinking who can I bring? I have another friend I could ask, but she just had a baby like 3 months ago and probably wont be up for leaving him with a sitter so early on and her husband works weekends. Anybody else I could ask I don't really know that well so I feel awkward about it.   So now I will probably have to cancel the whole thing, forfeit the money, explain to the people that I have no friends to go with and let down the other 2 people who were also attending (strangers to me - private events held for 4 people at a time) because they wont run it for only 2 people.   And I just feel so sad that I have enough money to buy tickets for these sorts of events, and yet nobody to enjoy them with. It is all booked and paid for and I wasn't asking anybody for money - only their time. I feel so lonely right now. And this post reminds me that I also have tickets for the outdoor cinema that need to be used which also relate back to Teacher - long story. I probably can't use those either. Sigh.   Teacher - I miss you. I loved hanging out with you. I wish you could forgive me for being in love with you. I wish I could change it so we could be friends again. I wish I could replace you. I wish I didn't miss you. I wish we never fell out.   I have great friends who love and support me, but she was my "fun" friend - lol in more ways than one!!   Love Kat, the giant loser!! :/ xxx

KittiKat

KittiKat

 

Can We Be Just Friends?

Ok, so teacher is still not in my life currently and I am dealing with the withdrawal symptoms as I realise how much I really did use her like a drug. It's disturbing....   Poly girl is back. She moved into the area with her partner and is now attending the school with my kids. I saw her at the school when we had to go to pick up the kids uniforms etc... for the new year. (Remember it is summer here in Australia and the school years start February not July)   Anyway... She walked right by me (I suspect on purpose) and I said hello. I mean if we have to see eachother at school, we at least have to be polite right? I'll be honest and admit that the thought crossed my mind that she may get nasty and out me to people if I didn't - though that really doesn't seem like something she would do - why risk it? Plus I have missed her. Despite her choice to leave us and go back to her partner, she did seem to genuinely love me as a person and as a friend. I still question my choice to blow her off, and keep Teacher around when Poly girl liked me at least and I have always had the feeling that Teacher was "stuck" with me.   And so I said hello, and she was happy and she invited me to her new place for coffee, and I went. And to my surprise it was not awkward at all. Except when she chucked me out shortly after I got there and I thought maybe she was only being polite and I wasn't meant to actually go. Fast forward a little bit and we have hung out some more and she seems keen to be my friend. She is excited to see me, as she always was. And it makes me feel good, even though I realise there is nothing romantic or sexual behind it.   Her partner has an issue with it though, and I understand that given the history. So I send her a private message on Facebook... Lol I need to work on having awkward conversations face to face... Anyway, in the message I detail that I am grateful to have her back in my life, that she is a valuable friend and I respect that she has a partner and does not want anything more from me than friendship. And that I will follow her lead with regards to our friendship so that she and her partner both stay comfortable with the situation.   I avoided saying "I do not have those feelings for you anymore." Why? Because I am not 100% sure if it is true. I have intense feelings for her still, and I can't lie and say I am not attracted to her. I am. But she has been clear with both her words and her actions that she also has intense feelings for me, because she is an intense person but that her feelings are that of friendship and nothing more. The things that attract me to her include her calming voice, her comfortableness in her own skin and her intensity. I only felt friendly towards her... until she hugged me goodbye and I was reminded of the softness of her skin.   It is soft. Super soft. Is that an inappropriate thought or a fact? I don't know anymore. I have hugged my best friend a thousand times and I couldn't tell you the texture of her skin. Is that because I don't have feelings for her, or is it because Poly girl's skin is just noticeably softer? I am so confused, that I don't even know how I feel. So I avoid saying I don't feel that way and instead basically state that I know it is irrelevant to her and I will respect what she feels (or rather doesn't feel) She responds with "Beautiful words" and changes the subject and things seem fine between us.   We go swimming and she wears nanna bathers instead of her usual bikini - and I take that as a subtle gesture, she uses the word friendship more than once and again I take that as another not so subtle hint. I don't mind, because her message is clear and consistent, and she still seems excited to see me, so at least I feel valued and liked.   Then we have this awkward conversation, because she runs after me, and when she reaches me, she says that she has run a long way to talk to me, and I touched her arm and I smile and I say "you're so sweet." and she starts backtracking saying "I just really like to be around people you know..." And I awkwardly look away and say "Don't worry I wont take it the wrong way." This makes me feel upset. I can't handle her constant rejection. It makes me feel embarrassed and naked and ugly. I get the message, you don't want anything more than friends. Am I being over sensitive to this or can anyone understand how awkward this makes me feel?   I understand she is trying to make sure she doesn't lead me on and I do appreciate it. I do not want another confusing relationship like with Teacher where she says just friends, then flirts, encourages blah blah... But I already said I get it and I will respect her feelings. I don't need to be reminded everytime we speak that she doesn't consider me romantically attractive. It is embarrassing enough that I wanted her and in the end she didn't reciprocate. I don't want to keep revisiting that embarrassment.   So I think I need to tell her I do not have those feelings for her anymore and then work on making sure it is true. I wanted to make sure it was true first, but it is irrelevant to her anyway and I think she will be more comfortable if I say it. Even if I am uncomfortable. I was hoping we could both be comfortable and I do not want more drama.   Do you think I could say to her, lets make a deal - I will not misread or misunderstand or misinterpret anything you say or do as romantic or sexual if you can promise me the same. If either of our feelings change then we will talk about it like adults. (Then I will proceed to keep my big mouth shut if and until she ever changes her mind. Hopefully by which time I will have moved on anyway.)   I've never even been sure if I misread our intensity as romantic energy, or if I was more in love with what she represented than her as a person you know? I think she represented something important to me and something I didn't think was possible. I did not ever have the same feelings for her that I had for teacher, though I struggle to explain how it was different.   I need to at very least keep things amicable. We need to be school gate friends if nothing more, but she does want more and so do I. I just wonder if I am capable of being just friends. Usually it is me misreading everything someone does as romantic towards me (in a positive context) not the one who is misinterpreted (in a negative context)   She seems reluctant to talk about this saying "lets just be good, ok?" I want to be good too, but when she says these things constantly I start to feel bad.   Also, she seemed really uncomfortable when I spoke about a pretty lady. There are so few people I can talk to about this, especially in school, and I was disappointed that she seemed uneasy. I like to have people I can be real with. I like women. Deal with it. Doesn't mean I still like her just because I still like women generally.   I'm really confused and I hope we can just be friends. My ex girlfriend and I are great friends. We were together, living together for like 6 years. If we can be friends after that, surely I am capable of the same thing with this one??   I know there are more friends I could make. I like this girl and she likes me and circumstance dictates daily interaction....   Sigh. I hate that I complicate everything and can't just be "normal" whatever that means... Lol   Thanks for reading....   Kat xxx

KittiKat

KittiKat

 

Expressions Of Interest

Yes, I know you are all sick of reading about her. This does relate to her, but really it is about me, and it might be about some of you too, as I see a familiar pattern here amongst those of us who have feelings for "Friends"   Maybe I liked her first. I thought she flirted with me first, but it was me who felt things first. I say first as though I am still unable to grasp the concept that I was the only one who developed those feelings. I am embarrassed as I look back over what I thought was expressions of interest from her and am forced to accept that it was not interest. She enjoyed my attention and liked to manipulate me into doing things for her, buying things for her or going places with her. That was not the same as liking me back and in hindsight it did feel different. I just wanted her to like me back. How sad.   Interesting how she could go so far as to get naked in front of me and allow me to take pictures to get her way, and then reitterate how she didn't have the same feelings for me as I did for her after I had completed whatever it was she wanted me to do. And then she has the audacity to yell at me that she shouldn't have to feel guilty for not sleeping with me, she shouldn't have to feel guilty because she isn't gay. She behaved this way all the time, slowly escalating her way up to the nakedness because I was less willing to be manipulated for less. So I admit I engaged in this unhealthy game with her.   Still my words and my actions did meet. I told her I had feelings for her, and despite my efforts not to express this to her constantly with language, my actions told the same tale... She constantly told me she did not have those feelings for me and then would engage in behaviours; that I feel, justify some confusion on my part. Anytime I tried to call her on that she would revert back to just friends, for however long until she needed my attention again. I should have walked away. I get it. But I wanted her to like me back so much that anytime she needed my attention I thought it was about me. It wasn't - it was about her.   Then she yells at me that I am making her feel bad because she wont sleep with me. And I take that onboard and I apologise. I get it. I do. Then I think some more and it seems like this:   She can treat me poorly, manipulate me, act in confusing ways due to her words and her actions being unmatched and I can not call her on that. I ask myself what is wrong with me that I still hold on to someone who (because of their confusing behaviours) constantly tells me that she does not and will not ever have the feelings for me like I have for her. This is painful for me and yet still I stay and still I hold hope.   Because of her constant referral to rejection, I try so hard to maintain boundaries with her. I truly want to be her friend and I try even when it kills me. I listen to her tell me about her boyfriends that don't treat her right. I offer genuine advice, and support because I know she wont listen to my advice. She can tell herself that I am jaded and not listen. She literally said to me that I never approve of anyone because they are not me. WTF? I don't approve because they are unavailable assclowns (baggage reclaim) and I wish she would at least choose someone better than me, in terms of how they treat her. Apparently anyone male is better than me. I have acknowledged that she deserves better than me, because I am married and planning to stay that way and she wants someone of her own. Anyway, I digress. I listen to her cry about how unworthy she feels because the latest one is married and while he does treat her reasonably well to be fair to him, he was refusing to sleep with her because that would constitute cheating in his mind. (Dating, kissing, constant texting, present buying etc... is not cheating but he draws the line at sex? Whatever.) Anyway She cries that she feels unworthy and unloveable because he wont sleep with her all the while rejecting me and I take it. I wont lie and say I didn't make reference to the irony, I did. How could I not. Then I just said I understood how she felt and asked exactly what he said to offer better advice. And I was hurting. The whole thing made me hurt. She had conversations right infront of me with him on the phone about planning perfect dates and intimate cuddles. And I smile at her while I die inside, wondering if I even exist. If my feelings that she is well aware of really matter so little to her that she can not think "perhaps this is a conversation I should not have right in her face. For f*cks sake (am I allowed to swear on here?) Please woman. Have a little sensitivity. Please. You are killing me softly indeed. And yet I am not allowed to protect myself because I am not allowed to reference the fact that I am in love with her. She doesn't want me to love her. It is unwanted. It will only annoy her and put her on the defense.   I would try so hard not to express how I feel. She already knew and used words to clearly state she does not feel comfortable with it. But the thing is, when you love someone, it leaks out of you. That is why I stayed. That is why I was easily manipulated. That is why I saw hope in hopelessness. That is why it was so evident even when I tried to ignore it or rise above it. Am I crazy to keep expressing love to someone who consistently tells me not to. Yes. Perhaps I am, except that her actions were confusing for me. I see posts on here from women who take a rejection and easily move on. Perhaps that is easy to do if her actions are sending the same message as her words. I thought telling her would be enough. That I wouldn't feel the need to express it anymore after I told her. But somehow it only made me need to express it to her more. I can see how this could be distressing and how it seemed I would never get the message.   But I am angry. Her friendship was painful for me. So so painful. Full of rejection and heart break, at times more than I thought I could possibly take. And I never got angry. I did that for her because I was trying to understand. I felt so worthless, and ashamed, all the time. I chastised myself for inappropriate feelings, and I was constantly uncomfortable so she didn't have to be. And then she has the audacity to yell at me that she shouldn't have to feel bad for not reciprocating. Really? Really? All I have ever done is love you and all you have ever done is make me feel terrible about it. I shouldn't have to f#cking feel bad for loving someone. And if you really didn't want that then you should have left your clothes on and your flirts off. Maybe then I could've let it go for you.   Teacher, you're right. You shouldn't have to feel bad for not being gay. You should feel ashamed of yourself for exploiting my feelings and treating me in a shitty way. You don't feel bad because you are straight, you feel bad because you treated me like sh*t and you know it. If you don't want to feel bad, then don't behave badly. After the way you spoke to me, I hope you never feel the need to speak to me again. I am not the victim. I played the game, but f*cking so did you.   If only she would read this. If only I had the courage of my convictions. If only I didn't long to hear from her again. What the F*ck is wrong with me. Sigh Get it through your thick head Kat. It was manipulation not expression of interest after all....

KittiKat

KittiKat

 

More Than Just A Girl

Mulling over my most recent rejection (I wonder if it is normal to still be so upset over something that never was 4 weeks later.... Probably not.... )   Thing is - yes I am upset that she rejected me. It hurts and it sux and because I have to see her (daily I might add) around other people and not know who she has told what, it's a bit embarrassing too. But I think what gets to me the most was her constant reference to my gender as the deal breaker. And it's not even because I can't change that. Sure it is hopeless to hear "You are so perfect and great and special, and if you were a guy I would be with you, but you are a girl and I'm just not gay."   Ok, ok, I know. I hear some of you already defending her. Heterosexuality is obviously as valid as homosexuality. I realise that it is just the same as a man trying to get with a lesbian and I understand that's not cool either. I did identify as lesbian for a large portion of my life so I do get it. But when I developed feelings for a man, I did not say I could not be with him because of his gender. Maybe that was easier because I experimented backwards and being with a man is more socially acceptable. But after I married a man and developed feelings for a woman again, I did not hide from that either.   Maybe I just can't understand it because I am not homosexual or heterosexual, so I struggle to believe that a person can not develop feelings for me based on gender. Maybe I am lucky that I can love a person for all that they are. I would never say gender is irrelevant, as it forms a large part of a persons identity. I would say gender is just part of who they are as a person.   I guess that is where I get confused. Because I fall for people first, and then become attracted to them. I can still see a person and be attracted to them, but that is not as important as the connection for me. How they look is also just part of who they are, and there is beauty in us all if you care enough to see it.   Perhaps I just don't understand attraction on the same level as hetero or homosexual people do. And I can't hold it against her really. She is heterosexual. She could never be sexual with me because of that. I just wish that didn't mean she couldn't be romantic with me, or love me.   Maybe it's society, or maybe it's just me.... But there are 1000 reasons not to love me and my gender isn't one of them I don't think, because I am so much more than just a girl. Can anyone relate?   "The mind is like a parachute, it must be open in order to function.."   Kat xxx

KittiKat

KittiKat

 

Poem For Teacher

We were friends, And nothing more. But it was you, I did adore.   You said just friends, Over and over! But I guess I kept hoping, For a 4 leaf clover.   Sometimes you'd flirt, And my heart would race, Then you'd withdraw, back to the "just friends" pace...   I took you fun places, I bought you gifts, But these loving gestures, Only widened the rift.   Unconditionally, I loved you so, We never pretended , You didn't know.   Reciprocation, Would never be, I loved you. You didn't love me.   Still I stayed, Enduring the pain, Watched you fall for assholes, Again and again.   You chased after them, The way I chased you. The pain showed on my face, What could I do?   They gave you affection, Attention through sex and such. I wish you would give me, Even half that much!   I listen to you, Planning hot dates and kisses, I watch your face fall, As he runs back to his Missus.   You don't seem to see, How this makes me feel.... Completely invisible, Am I even real?   Yes you are straight! We've been over that! It's not cos I'm ugly, Unloveable and fat.   But that's how I feel. So I start to withdraw. In response you get angry, And show me the door!   How my heart breaks Did you even care? Do you even notice, That I am no longer there?   "I will never sleep with you" Your words like a knife, As though that's all I wanted? Not just to be in your life?   I wanted to love you! To remove your sad frown, To build you up, Not tear you down!   You felt too guilty? It wasn't your fault. My love should have stayed, Locked in the vault.   I'm sorry it's over. I'm sorry I'm done. I'm sorry it ended. Before it had begun!   It is for the best, On that we agree! Because I was loving you, At the expense of loving me.

KittiKat

KittiKat

 

Teacher Teaches Me A Lesson...who Would Have Thought It... Lol

Well, I said I couldn't make any guarantees that I wouldn't fall for teacher again, and I went ahead... I can't pin point anything really that started it as such, just her being quite sexual and flirtatious with me. Things like telling me what underwear she was wearing and sending me pictures, flashing me in public and in private and agreeing to hand holding with me (a promise that she never did fulfill.) I guess it was a stupid decision to go away for a weekend with her. I think we both knew it was unwise. Deep down I really felt she would pull out, find some legit excuse not to go. But we went anyway and I can tell you that I was very hopeful that things would progress between us... She squashed that dream as soon as she picked me up making joking references to how she wouldn't put out and how gross she finds the whole idea. I was disappointed, yet understanding of her need to address this with me immediately because there had been alot of flirting between us and we were sharing a bed, so I guess she was scared that she had led me on... and she kinda had. But I always knew it would probably lead nowhere, it usually did. I admit I planned to drink with her on the trip because she has never been drunk with me and I wondered if that would help her relax and escape the mental barriers. In no way did I plan to get her drunk and take advantage of her, but I thought it might take the edge off for us both... But she squashed that plan too saying she had just started on some new medication and she couldn't drink. I knew then that she had no plans to succumb to my charms! Lol Still when we got to the hotel room, she was naked literally within 10 minutes and allowing me to take pictures of her. And despite knowing I couldn't push it further than this I was very happy, and couldn't stop looking at her candy pink nipples. They are burned in my memory. So so pink! We hung around the hotel for ages, her naked, me trying to make sure she stayed that way! Lol We went to a movie later and I tried to hold her hand in a sad bit. She freaked out a little bit to be honest and I am kicking myself for trying this with her in a public place. Of course she wouldn't. Idiot. Anyway, we went for dinner afterwards and I didn't eat much because I was pretty hurt by her hand holding reaction. And confused because she already said that she would allow this. I guess her words and her actions never did meet. She had said this in response to my asking her to join our relationship/marriage. She said "Baby steps" and I said "hand holding?" and she said "Ok. There will be hand holding in your future, I can do that." Or something to that effect. Later that evening in bed she said "If my friendship isn't enough for you, if it is too painful, then don't be my friend" And I pondered this sadly to myself, realising that several times we have brought it back to just friends and for whatever reason it seemed to esculate beyond that but not far enough for me. That she was right - her friendship and only her friendship was too painful for me.... And that after the trip we would have to end it. This was also in large part because she has started seeing married guy. And I had to listen to her talking to him non stop and whinging to me and to him that he wouldn't sleep with her and that she felt not good enough. I couldn't help but point out the irony but she couldn't see it. I know to her it seems completely different but to me it seems exactly the same. And she does get love from him of sorts, affection, kisses and cuddles, so to me, obviously my predicament seems worse. Anyway I couldn't stand hearing her flirt with him, planning the perfect date and intimate cuddles whatever that is. It hurt. And I was disappointed both that she would never have cuddles with me, even non intimate ones and even more disappointed that knowing my feelings for her she wouldn't be sensitive enough to not have that conversation right in my face. I lay awake that night thinking about how it had to end because the situation was just too painful for me. I thought of ways to end it. The next day I got extreme sunburn and blisters on the soles of my feet too. So I didn't feel well and had to return to the room to rest. I was quiet I guess and I was sad. The next day we argued about mini golf of all things and she lost the plot at me. She was yelling hateful and hurtful poisonous words at me, and saying she shouldn't have to feel guilty that she wont sleep with me. Some of the things she said just to hurt me and the way she spoke to me was unforgivable (that is not to say I can guarantee that I wont forgive her anyway) and at this point I don't forsee a time when we can ever be friends again. This is positive because it was an unhealthy relationship for us both. But really she has taught me something and she has a valid point. (I hate to admit that.) She is straight. Many of the women I fall for are straight - because I don't know or meet many women that are not straight. I usually tell them if I develop feelings for them, both in the hopes that this will lead somewhere and so that they know to be sensitive with me if they do not feel the same. I have varying degrees of success with physical intimacy as a result of this but it ALWAYS boils down to the same thing in the end "I am straight. I want to be with men. This needs to stop. This means more to you than it does to me. I don't want to hurt you and mislead you"... Essentially my loving nature towards straight women (again because they are the only kind I meet) makes them feel like bad people for not returning my affection. And it is not their fault that they are straight. Essentially I force them to reject me and then have the audacity to feel bad about it and from the moment I confess that is what happens - I turn them into the bad guy. The one that has to hurt me and let me down. So maybe those of you who never confess, maybe you are on the right track. Maybe that is kinder and a self sacrifice that I should make... either way I end up hurting but that way I would never hurt her. I never wanted to hurt her. I only ever wanted to build her up and somehow I managed to tear her down. I don't know that I can commit to that -not telling. It seems against my general nature, but perhaps I should try. But I will commit to trying to find bisexual girls to fall for instead. I know that I may still face harsh rejection - perhaps even harsher than that of the straight girl, but at least she doesn't have to feel guilty about being who she is. So I have set up profiles on 4 dating websites for myself and my husband. So far, no luck. And I am feeling sad and insecure about that. But it is an unusual thing we seek and finding someone may require more patience than I can muster. We are looking for a relationship not FWB or NSA and most of the women on these sites want casual encounters. I can not just be sexual with a woman. I want to romance her, get to know her, fall for her, and take it slow. Is it so much to ask for a girl who would actually hold my hand? I have much love to give, I just need to find a willing recipient. Wish me luck ladies, I suspect I will need it. PS Update on the last lady that we dated but who went back to her ex in the end; I texted her on Christmas day when I felt ready to be her friend again and she ignored me. This was fair enough, as it was my choice not to be friends and I hope I didn't ruin her day by hearing from me. She "liked" my happy new year post on facebook and I liked her son's happy birthday post yesterday. Baby steps. Part of me still believes it is unwise to pursue this friendship, but making these steps feels important if I have to see her at school next year. Perhaps even if we aren't friends, we can be amicable and smile... I hope so. But probably she feels bad for breaking my heart and I guess if I want these women to be sinsitive with me then I have to be sensitive with their feelings too. FOR ALL THE STRIGHT LADIES WHO HAVE CAPTURED MY HEART: I'm sorry. My actions came from a kind place and I never intended to make you feel bad about yourself. I can see how this happens. Mostly I just wanted you to love yourself the way I loved you, and I never wanted you to hate me the way I hate me. But if you were all going to hate me anyway then I am glad it was for my kindness, honesty and love because that is the one thing I love about me and I will find someone who loves it too. I hope you all find what you are looking for. Thank you for teaching me what I need to be looking for. I love you all. Kat xx

KittiKat

KittiKat

 

My Story

I will try and keep this short, but even then, be warned, it will be long! Haha   I have been on this journey of discovery from as early as 7. I remember getting butterflies when my year 3 teacher would whisper to me during a test, and deliberately dropping my pencil so I could look down her top when she bent down to get it for me. I didn't know the extent of what I was feeling or that it wasn't "normal" although I didn't talk about it. By year 5 we did sex ed and they showed videos of real naked people at the time. They were doing gymnastics. What an odd thing to show 9 and 10 year olds! I remember feeling things watching the women bounce. I was curious about the men, but embarrassed by the women. In year 6 I knew I wasn't supposed to look at the women so I tried to look away and say "gross" like all the other girls, and only look at the men. But I couldn't keep my eyes off all the budding breasts stretched tshirts and bra straps all around me... Lol I guess one boy saw through this and he called me a lesbian. I said "You are!!" He laughed and said I obviously didn't know what a lesbian was and I should look it up.   I did. Fuck. Me. I am a lesbian. This was my first exposure to the word, I didn't know people like that existed or that they shouldn't. I am pretty sure the definition didn't say women who are exclusively sexually attracted to other women, and so I didn't realise maybe that definition didn't fit me or that there was such a thing as bisexual. I knew by the way that boy said it to me that it wasn't something you wanted to be..   By high school I had developed a major crush on my BFF and her older brother. While both my friendship and my crush on my BFF were short lived, the crush on her brother stayed strong throughout - sometimes I still wonder about him now!! Lol I never questioned my identity as a lesbian despite this because the dictionary said if I had sexual feelings for other ladies then I was a lesbian! Not ready to come out I hid in my infatuation with him.   I met and became close with a new girl from the school and it wasn't long until we were having constant sleepovers. At one of these sleepovers, we wrestled over a teddy bear and ended up kinda cuddling. She said "Can I tell you something, you promise not to laugh?" I said "Of course, you can tell me anything." Then she said "It feel so nice laying here with you like this" I kissed her and groped her and we fooled around a bit, we were only 14. I wondered how she knew I was a lesbian but I still dare not say the words. I remember even now that after that first time, she never really reciprocated. She was thinner than me and I thought it was because I was unattractive. I didn't dwell on it, she let me feel her boobies and suck on them and.... yeah, I like boobs, a whole lot, even now... We continued with the sleepovers until she abruptly stole my other best friend's boyfriend and stopped talking to me. That was a tough pill to swallow. I called her everyday after school for a year and everyday she refused to come to the phone. I was distraught. She told people "I made her uncomfortable" (a criticism I was going to receive many many more times in my life) People knew what she was implying and the rumours stared flying. Sigh. Meanwhile I was crushed and I had nobody to talk to about it because nobody knew and she made me promise I would never tell anyone. I had to comfort my other best friend about losing her boyfriend and I couldn't share my own heartbreak. This taught me a strong lesson about how irrelevant my feelings were, and how other people are more important than me.   I felt out of control. I thought maybe if I lost the weights she would want me again. I developed an eating disorder. I lost a lot of weight. She did come back, pretending to care about me, but she would not discuss what was between us, wanted to act as though it hadn't happened. I couldn't do that and when I kept pushing the issue she blackmailed me saying I would be her friend again without that or she would tell everyone I was a dyke. I should have let her do that - she had basically already done that anyway, but I was young and stupid so I was her friend again. She was still with the guy and really pushed it in my face. That was heartbreaking to watch, and pretend I didn't care. I learned a pretty good poker face.   I made a new bestie and quickly developed feelings for her. I chased her pretty relentlessly but she didn't reciprocate insisting she was straight and only interested in men, but that we could still be friends. (That was never enough for me, I wanted more and it was painful.) In our final year the best friend who lost her boyfriend got a new boyfriend. She still had no idea I was gay and set me up with her boyfriends best friend. I was not attracted to him at all. I had heard of bisexual by now but thought it was only for people who were to afraid to admit being gay. I hid behind "not believeing in sex before marriage" to avoid physical intimacy with my new boyfriend. It didn't help that my parents loved him. Everyone loved him. For such a young guy he was so old fashioned. He opened doors, pulled out chairs, always bough flowers, told me he loved me, opened the car door for me even in the rain. He was a catch really, but he wasn't for me. I just didn't feel that way for him, but I was stuck - I had no good reason to leave. He proposed and I said yes....   We had the engagement party (all the presents had to be embarrassingly returned by my parents where they had to shamefully explain things.) we set the date, we picked a venue.... I moved out of home with my best friend who I was still relentlessly pursuing and in love with. She enjoyed the attention and I became addicted to the challenge of winning her. Eventually I broke off the engagement and came out as gay. If I wasn't attracted to my fiance I must be gay. I eventually won the girl and we were happy for 7 years or so. My parents accepted her eventually.   I got a promotion at work. My friends that I was equal to were now below me (I didn't think so, but I became their manager) they didn't like it and the relationships became strained. I started hanging out with the managers - men. One was flirting with me relentlessly. As a bigger woman and a lesbian I was not used to feeling desired. Even though I won the girl, I never felt desired by her, she was straight. The man was both married and old enough to be my father but this did not stop us. He sent me an email one day that said "I am open to the affair we are headed for." I was taken aback. I hadn't considered the possibility that we would take it further than flirting, and I said no. He pursued me relentlessly and it was the first time somebody wanted me. It felt fantastic. I gave in and we started an affair. I fell head over heals in love with him. I told my girlfriend and broke her heart. (To be clear - I did cheat on her with him) She moved out and told me not to contact her for at least a year. I didn't. Meanwhile I contemplated the normal life with a man that I always wanted but thought I couldn't have. Maybe I could have children afterall...   Eventually his wife became suspicious, and told him to stop flirting with me. He ended it and I was distraught. I had no support in the workplace. Everyone hated the home wrecker. It is always the other woman's fault isn't it. I over heard conversations held right infront of me everyday about why would he sleep with me when I was so fat and ugly when he had a beautiful wife at home. He told people it was the challenge of turning me and that he broke me in like a horse. I admit I saw red. I sent his wife a detailed letter about all our activities. I regretted it immediately and when she phoned me to discuss it I told her I was sorry and that he loved her very much and had only used me. She was very graceful about the whole thing and I realised I had hurt an innocent woman very selfishly. I have never forgiven myself for this, though do take some comfort in the fact they are still together. Rumour has it he still cheats on her, I wasn't the first and I doubt I was the last.   The only person left at work who would still talk to me was a doped up fork lift driver. I always had a crush on him. I thought "If I were straight he would be right up my alley." I couldn't believe when he asked for my number and arranged to come to my place to get drunk smoke weed with me one weekend. I wasn't cool. I didn't smoke or drink much, but I still said yes. When he got there he was very flirtatious with me physically but was talking non stop about some girl he was in love with from the internet who was giving him the run around and refusing to meet him. It was very confusing but we slept together. He said he would call. He didn't. For the first time in my life there were no women, just men. Doped up fork lift driver ignored me at work the next week and I was a mess. A new girl in the office asked me about it and I confessed what happened and my confusion about everything. He found out I told her and put me up for sexual harassment. He did not want people to know he slept with me and denied it. I had to answer humiliating questions about my private life to my boss. We were both warned that this would lead to the loss of a job for the guilty party - either me for harassing him or him for making false accusations. When he heard this he came to me and begged me to leave work. He said he was sorry and that he loved me but because of the situation from the married guy he didn't want to be bullied. That we could have a real relationship if I would just leave work. That his job was more important because he had 2 daughters to provide for and I had no children.   I left. I regret letting him manipulate me that way but I was bullied and unhappy in that workplace - I never regret leaving there. I kept seeing fork lift guy but he never delivered on his promise to have a real and honest relationship with me. He said he loved me but he didn't. I wanted to believe it. I stayed for far too long. He was ashamed to be seen with me in public and never met my friends and family. I got a new job and promptly started sleeping with a girl I met there. She was also straight identifying but flirted with me straight away. We were FWB. I was seeing her, sleeping with forklift guy and online dating men to make forklift guy jealous or make a real attempt to move on. He was not jealous and while I was still with him he knew I would be unable to really move on. He wanted a threesome with FWB and I said no. She asked me to participate in a 3some with her man and I said no. She freaked out and said she wasn't gay and I had tricked her and that us sleeping together was only practice for threesomes. We had never discussed threesomes. She outed me at work and told people I waked up to her desk and tried to kiss her. She warned them against me like I was some sort of predator. She told the boss I made her uncomfortable. I got pregnant. He told me to have an abortion and get fucked. I said I was going to do the exact opposite of both of those things. I told my family I was pregnant and they applied pressure for me to settle down and do the right thing for my child (read: marry a nice man) When I found out I was carrying a boy I made the choice to raise him alone or with a man. No more women for me.   A year had passed and I contacted my ex girlfriend with the news I was pregnant. She said she had missed me and we became friends again. It wasn't easy for her but she was nothing but supportive, and had found happiness in her new single life. Rediscovered her own identity separate from me. I don't deserve her friendship but I am forever grateful for it. A male co worker had been flirting with me for a few months by then and when I announced my pregnancy everyone thought it was his. We were just friends and he was a big support to me at the time, taking good care of me. I wasn't sure that I was attracted to him. I had been so caught up with fork lift guy that I had barely noticed him. He had earrings and a big gap in his front teeth, and this put me off a bit. But he had great arms and lovely lips. (And I was hardly a supermodel and pregnant to someone else... lol) He asked me on a date when I was 6 months pregnant and we were official by 7 months. I hadn't slept with him, I refused while pregnant. It was awful timing and I really just wanted him to go away and insisted I didn't need to be saved. But I couldn't push him away. He was an awesome father to my son and proposed after a year, we married in 2010, and I conceived our daughter on the wedding night. (I told fork lift guy when our son was born and he said "I have no son. Don't contact me again." I never have. )   He knew of my past, he really likes exgirlfriend. They get along well. We were happy. After our daughter was born it got harder. Our son was diagnosed with autism and he seemed to treat them differently. Being protective of my son this was a big issue for me. It still is. He denies it's because of the biological factor and insists it's behavioural or even gender related. I wonder. Anyway our son starts pre primary and the teacher is amazing with him. She helps and supports me to get a diagnosis and when I tell her he is being bullied or excluded she cries and tells me she will not allow that to happen. That is the moment I love her. Not in a way that is inappropriate, just a deep love for someone who loves my child. She helped me with him so much that I could never repay her. Half way through the year she tells me of a relationship she is in which sounds like the one I had with fork lift guy, except he hit her too. I need to help her. I need to save her. I ask her to be my friend, I ask her out for lunch. I say I know it's probably against the rules. She says it is but she can spend her free time with whomever she likes. She tells me very intimate details about her life, her relationships. She swears alot. She isn't the person I was expecting. Not a bad person, just totally different to the sweet innocent teacher I thought I knew. Then I remember I am also different than who she thinks she knows. Interestingly she asks me if I think she is a secret lesbian. I take this as a sign and I say "do you ask because I am not straight?" she blushes and says she didn't realise I was not straight. I tell her my story. If I can tell her my story we can be friends, real friends. Seeing her in class is awkward because we know so much about each other but need to be so casual and distant at her work every day. This plays on my insecurities and I am suddenly jealous when she talks to other mums. I want her all to myself! She starts flirting with me. I am not at all physically attracted to her. She is having a rough time. She is not a beautiful woman by society standards. She needs to feel loved. I am helping her. I flirt back. It feels good. It has been ages since I flirted with a girl. Perhaps I can help her come out of the closet. We flirt, she asks me if I have feelings for her and I say I do. I'm not even sure if it's true but I want the flirting to continue. She withdraws. Stops flirting, stops answering texts, is purely professional with me. It hurts. I need her back. I obsess over her. I cry. I realise that I am emotionally attracted to her and that it could lead to physical attraction. Finally the end of the year rolls around and I buy her an expensive teachers gift and write a loving card. She responds and says she is sorry for being distant. That she has never been friends with a lesbian before and she doesn't know how to act around me now that she knows I like her. She only wants to be friends and she hopes we can be.   I agree and try to be her friend. But really I date her. I take her places, compliment her, send her good morning and good night texts, I buy her things, I make romantic gestures. I know we are just friends. She knows I want more. I can't accept that she isn't secretly gay and in love with me. I never pressure her and I am never physically inappropriate with her. I long for her to kiss me. I can't explain how I can be so attracted to her and not at the same time. I can hardly function. I tell my husband I have feelings for her. That I can't explain it but that I want her. He explains that it would be cheating unless he is involved, but if I can convince her to have a threesome he is ok with it. I agree though it isn't what I want. Doesn't matter anyway as I can't get her to admit she likes me, though I am sure she does. She likes the attention anyway. She admits a crush on another mum at school and she asks me to set them up on a friend date. I am so jealous and I can't contain it. I tell her that I would rather stab myself in the eye with a fork than watch her flirt with some other mum. She tells me I am being silly that she just wants to be friends with this other woman. She yells loudly in the food court at me that we are not in a relationship, and I need to get over her. I am filled with shame. I set them up and somehow get dragged along. She uses this as the forum to tell us both that while she knows I love her and I text her several times a day with sweet messages that it isn't the same because she wants a man. They spend the rest of the time discussing men while I sit quietly shamed, and wondering if I was just outed. Again. The only other time I am included in the conversation is to ask how I feel about another lady that teacher knows I have a big lesbian crush on. (Not infatuated like with her, I just think she is so pretty, and her boobs man, her boobs. And the dresses she wears and her long dark curls... This girl is physically attractive to me, but the emotional attraction has not developed like it has with teacher.) I don't hear from teacher afterwards and I stop texting her sweet nothings, as I guess she doesn't like it. I accept that I have been wrong and she isn't a lesbian and is not ever going to love me. it hurts. After a few weeks I cave and text her begging her not to leave me. She replies "was this meant for me?" Ouch. She refuses to talk to me but arranges to see a movie together. We do that and afterwards I force her to talk to me. She says the fact that I can't accept this will never be more that friendship makes her uncomfortable, and I need to stay within my boundaries. I argue that I have never actually crossed any boundaries and it is her who likes the attention. She admits she likes it but feels it leads me on and she would like it to stop. That she hasn't treated me well and she is sorry, can we start again just as friends. I feel unburdened by her acknowledgement of my feelings and agree.   I no longer obsess about her, though when I see her now I have unwelcome sexual thoughts about her body. I say nothing. Things go ok, but the closeness that once was is lacking. She finds a hot boyfriend and tells me all the gory details and I pretend to be happy for her. He treats her just like she treated me and she can't see the irony. I admit to taking some pleasure in her pain. I'm not a great person, obviously! They end and suddenly she needs the attention from me again. I happily give it and get caught back up in it all as easy as that. She asks me to have a threesome to win him back. I decline, she gets mad. Things go downhill fast. I talk to hubby about having a poly relationship with her, thinking that will meet her need for a man and his need to be involved. He agrees, if I can convince her. I mention it to her and she seems keen, lots of questions and saying things like "would I get to come on holiday with you guys? You could tell people I am the nanny." This gets my hopes up, then she says "I'm sure you will find someone." Ouch. Maybe she said that because I never directly asked her, but after she said that I felt I couldn't. For her birthday I buy her sexy lingerie, she says she will send me a pic, but she doesn't. I am disappointed. A few months later she sends me a pic of her in some lingerie for a hens night. It'll do. I'm stoked she sent it to me, I wonder what it means. Then I see she posted it to facebook. Oh, it means nothing. It means pay me attention everybody. I realise I have fallen for her again and I take some space. She doesn't seem to notice, and my feelings dissipate again somewhat. I hear from her near my birthday and I am surprised, I didn't think she would remember. She wants to take me out for a special day, buys me lots of things, cooks me dinner at her place. I allow myself to hope for the kiss I long for. It doesn't come. She says she is glad we are back on track and I promise myself she will not let me down again. I cool it. I ask her to tutor my child who is having problems at school. I have been in meetings with the principal and I am not in favour with the school. She agrees to tutor him (and she is so great with him I fall right back in love with her) but the principal finds out and she gets into trouble at work. I promised I would never get her into trouble at work. There is much drama. She blames me and does not speak to me for 6 weeks. This is sudden, as the day before she said she didn't blame me at all then abruptly stopped speaking to me. I accept that it's over finally. It's almost a relief. I am sad, but glad. I decide not to chase her, just walk away.   She has my kids Christmas presents stored at her house. My back was out during the sales so she dutifully went for me. It's awkward but she texts me to come get the stuff, she cooks me dinner?? It's so awkward. We make small talk. She finally asks if we are still friends. I tell her no.It feels good to clarify. She cries and says she doesn't want to lose me and I say I can't handle her hot and cold. She says it's just how she is and I say that's just not acceptable for me. When I leave she asks how we can be friends again. I tell her she knows how to be my friend and that she can if she wants to but I don't care if she doesn't. I am done chasing her. She can make some effort for a change, that I am worth more. I feel great to acknowledge this. I leave the ball in her court. 3 weeks later still nothing. Then she shows up out of the blue with a present and a card expressing how sorry she is and how she wants to do better. We go for dinner and I have no inappropriate thoughts or feelings. Her spell is over. I see her and I wonder why I was attracted to her, though I can never deny that I was. I hope she is prepared to really be friends without the "attention" because I finally feel zero desire to give her any. It's a relief and I hope we can still be friends. I worry I will get sucked back in. Will have to keep you posted on that one... Lol I make no guarantees.   I meet another woman who is new to the area at this time. She comes to the school to check it out for her children for next year. She makes me talk to the principal and I tell her I can't believe she made me talk to the principal, she insists I tell her why and I say not here! She arranges to come to my house to chat and I don't know why but I tell her everything. My inappropriate though innocent friendship with a teacher, our desire to have a poly relationship, that I am not straight. She tells me that her partner and her just split up and she needs friends in the area and can we meet again. She says we "click" I am so happy. I tell husband I have found replacement for teacher and he insists on meeting her. I introduce them and he is all over her like a rash. She doesn't complain. She flirts with us. She is always at our house, and she says she is open to the possibilities. We date her. She says it has to be commitment free at the moment and she continues seeking men online for herself and has a FWB. She says she is trying us on, but would like to take it slow physically. Hubby still touches her flirtatiously but I don't feel I can. She asks me to rub aloe vera on her sunburn and I almost orgasm just from that (It's been a while) Lol. I know this is my cue to take it further but I want her to feel respected and not taken advantage of. And I'm chicken. I don't come on to her. I want to but she doesn't know that. She feels rejected by me (I'm guessing) and pulls away emotionally. She stops answering my texts and only texts hubby. He texts her every 3 seconds and I am jealous as hell. She keeps asking me to babysit her kids and on a few occasions I babysat all four children so she could go out with hubby. I wanted to show her that I was still keen, but hurting and confused, and feeling jealous, left out and used. We could never get a moment to talk without hubby being there. We looked at houses for us to buy and made an inquiry about upgrading our cruise cabin to include her and her children next year, with the agreement that we would not make any major moves for at least a year when she was certain. I wanted to be patient because we were asking a big thing of her and it's not normal. It's not the life she had imagined for herself. She didn't know if she would tell people. If we would. If she would spend christmas alone or with us. If she would be hidden away like some secret. What would we tell the kids... Last weekend her kids slept over and she ended up getting back together with her ex. She picked up the kids and broke up with me.   I cried like a little bitch and I find that very humiliating! She said she didn't realise how into her I was because I had been acting so withdrawn (Stupid!!) and she said not to worry, she would be moving in with partner right around the corner and she would still be here all the time. That she loved me and hoped we could still be close friends. I said no. That it wouldn't work, that it would be too painful for me, and my inability to stop hoping for more would eventually drive her away anyway. She cried and said she didn't mean to lead me on, that she was sorry and she had been selfish. She said it didn't sit right with her that we wouldn't be friends. That we would be seeing each other at school next year. (Then it dawned on me that I will have to see and be civil to both the women who crushed my heart everyday next year and possibly watch them become friends and talk about me. Just the thought makes me so ashamed I want to vomit. I would have done anything for either one of them and somehow I'm the joke?) Ouch. She left in tears asking how she would explain this to the children.   On the one hand I feel justified in my choice to not be her friend, because it isn't what I wanted and it isn't enough. On the other hand I feel guilty for abandoning her and like she needs a friend. And I did like her and I know she genuinely loved me at least as a friend. And I miss her and maybe being her friend is better than not being in her life at all you know? Maybe it wont work with her ex and she will come back... Maybe I like chasing women more than I want to have one? Hubby is upset and wanted to still be her friend. I said he could try but her ex didn't like her being friends with men. He is depressed about losing her. I have conflicting emotions about this...   Maybe I need to meet more bisexual women instead of straight ones. And that brings me here... I do have a fabulous bestie that I can tell this to and several other close female friends including exgirlfriend. But I feel the need to share with people who can truly identify. I hope at least one of you can identify with some bits. I don't know why I am not in love with bestie as many of you are. She is gorgeous and perfect and so emotionally connected with me. I watch my feelings for her carefully, but I am so glad I am not in love with her. I hope it stays that way. She will be my first bestie I didn't fall in love with!! Woot Woot. Progress. Personal growth even... Lol   If you read this all the way through, thanks for the lost time. I appreciate it. I have no idea what happens next, but I'm excited to find out. It can't be nothing. I have had a glimpse of opportunity that I never imagined I would get. I want us to have a woman we love and who loves us. There are lots of things yet to be ironed out, but I look forward to meeting her, whoever she is. I hope it's that last woman, and until I can stop hoping, I don't think we can be friends. But looking forward to my future sure beats dwelling on my past....   xxx

KittiKat

KittiKat

 

Ramblings Of The Rejected

What is a blog anyway? An online diary of sorts? I have often thought of starting a blog and had no idea how, so this is good! Lets try this:   Lately I always fall for the straight girl. It's not intentional. It's not a thing. It's not a challenge. A challenge would indicate I had some sort of chance. I hate trying to make new friends. I keep falling for them. Hard. I believe in honesty, so I usually tell them. They know I am not straight because I am ususally pretty upfront about that, so it's usually not a surprise when I do confess. (I suck at being subtle - if I like you, you'll know! lol) I don't confess with any real intention or expectation. I feel it's best for everyone involved if I tell them, then they can exit if they feel too uncomfortable or we can work at ways to overcome it - if that's even possible. I also do it because I don't think it's right or honest to flirt with them or say questionable things to them and then deny it or make them feel as if they can't mention it or trust their intuition. Also I like when the women I deal with are genuine and their words and actions match, so I hold myself to that same standard. It helps also me because then they know that I need them to be sensitive to my feelings. I'm probably not the best person to gush to about your new boyfriend or latest sexcapade, and my judgement may be clouded if you take my advice about your relationship drama, although I try very hard for this not to be true. Also, get drunk with me at your own risk because I will probably ask if I can kiss you. That seems to be a thing. Sorry.     I know from the moment I feel things that there is a crushing blow coming my way. I don't know which type is harder. There is the girl who says "ew, that's sick dude. I'm straight, there is no chance of this ever happening, please know that." or some similar variation. There is the girl who cuddles you or takes your hand and says she will always love and support you no matter what and that if she were gay you would be the perfect girl for her and she even wishes she could be gay but she just isn't and she hopes you can remain close. And there is the girl who gets awkward, says things are fine, she needs time and or space and pretty much never talks to you again and if she does is cold, distant, vague and never mentions the issue again except to use it against you. Or a strange combination of all 3.   Either way it usually always boils down to "You're so great, but...." And it sucks and it hurts. And it's always the same. Is it wrong to hope that one day I might be good enough for someone female? (I feel terribly guilty even expressing that when I have a loving husband who thinks I am better than good enough for him.) That there would be no "but". I don't want to hear how good I am for you if I am not good enough. Or how much you love me but not in that way. Especially if you have been using me, flirting with me and or leading me on deliberately or otherwise.   There have been so many women reject me. Although I am not beautiful or sexy by usual standards, I have not had this much trouble with men. I realise most of these women are straight, regardless of their flirtations, and or any physical encounters we may have shared, though it has been years since I even got that far. I always know from the get go that the rejection is coming and I try to prepare for this. So why does it still hurt? I feel like the least loveable person in the whole world. Like a repulsive predatory beast, locked away only to look at the beauty that surrounds me but is not for me. And these feelings I have for these women they feel real and beautiful for me. They come from a place of kindness and vulnerability. But as soon as the thoughts pass over my lips they turn ugly and make those I only want to make smile feel "uncomfortable".   I only want to love and be loved. Yet it always turns out the same way, it ends. In tears. My tears. The only way to stay close is to stay so far away. I just want to understand, what is so unloveable about me? I make myself so vulnerable and I feel laughed at, unwanted. Lonely. Misunderstood.   Can anybody else relate or am I being dramatic? Do I have the right to feel this way when I am happily married with children? When I have a husband that adores me? I do know love.   I have a straight best friend who loves me and supports me and tries to understand. We share the intimacy that I crave emotionally yet without the freedom for physical expression it is not enough for me. (I don't desire her in that way - I don't know why, but I am grateful for that. But I also know should I ever develop feelings she would give me one of the above scenario's just the same and it would probably have to end.)   Is it just me or should love be the beginning and not the end??   Thank you all for sharing your thoughts and your stories.   I will do another entry soon with my whole story. The rest will probably just be more rambling. But it feels so good to have my own space to ramble, be real, process, share and feel safe. Cheers Lades xxx

KittiKat

KittiKat

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