Cylon6's Blog

Normally, this wouldn't bother me but it does. And the reason why it does has to be with the fact I was being watched/stared at. 

Today, one of our VPs jammed a copy machine, and after he was unsuccessful in unjamming it. He left to reprint the documents on another copy machine. Well, while he was gone. I went to the machine and proceeded to unjam it which entailed my following the directions on the screen. Well, when he came back to retrieve the documents he sent to the other copy machine. He just stood at that machine watching me unjam the copy machine. After I unjammed it, I waited a minute to see if the machine will jam again then proceed to walk away, and as I walked away. The machine jammed again (I need to wait longer than a minute next time); so, I went back to it to see where else the paper jammed and proceeded to fix it. He continued to watch/stare at me while I fixed it. The only reason why he stopped watching/staring and walked away was because one of our IT guys walked in to tease me about breaking the copy machine and offer to help me since he heard me unjamming it.

Unjamming a copy machine isn't an issue for me. I am more than happy to unjam the bloody machine if I know how. The issue is that I was being watched/stared at while doing it. Typically, if a machine jams at work someone (1) asks someone to help them unjam it,  (2) unjams it themselves or (3) walks away and leaves it to be someone else's problem. There is no staring/watching involved. If a person asks for help to unjam the machine it is a team effort, and if someone happens to walk by you while you are unjamming the machine. They just walk by and make a comment or offer to help you. They do not watch/stare. 

This isn't the first time he has watched/stared at me. He has done this before while I was walking to our other VPs office to drop a folder off, and even after I said to him I am not going to his office. He just keep on watching me and chuckled. Another time he stared at me while I was about to leave the kitchen and he was walking by it. One of my boss' scared him because he was so focused on me walking out the kitchen. 

So... after writing this. I have come to the conclusion that I just do not being watched/stared at without a rhyme or reason or someone saying something because I become uncomfortable after I realize I am being watched/started at. 

So, this past Saturday,I met a woman and attempted to flirt with her. I guess I did okay because we exchanged numbers. I decided to text her today to say hey, and we started chatting. I have to admit, this is completely new for me, and I feel like I over analyze everything she asks or says and I also do the same for me. Additionally, I tend to freakout if she stops texting me because I think I have scared her away.

Puzzled....

Have you ever gotten the feeling a conversation was supposed to go a certain way after the conversation has happened?

Well today, I got that feeling.

Last week was my last day on the job. My boss and I were finally clicking; so, I would say whatever her issue was with me has finally been fixed or temporarily fixed. She got to experience firsthand how I become very unpleased with myself when I make mistakes. She remarked that her son and I act the same way when behave or do things that are not up to our standards. And then she started calling me Sheldon (Sheldon from the Big Bang Theory TV show) a few times. This isn't the first time she called me Sheldon. She has called me Sheldon several times before due to the way I knock on her door or when I exhibit behavior similar to his (I hazarding a guess as I don't really see a connection between his behaviors and mine).

By mid-afternoon, she asked if it was okay if they called me if they needed an explanation on the tasks I was working on as a last resort since I know my tasks like the back of my hand. I said yes, and that if she wasn't able to get ahold of me. She could have my coworker contact me since for some odd reason she is always able to get ahold of me no matter the time of day. Please keep in mind, I keep forgetting my boss has my number and it is her who always reminds me that she has it. During our last conversation, she stated (1) that I had a very bright future ahead of myself and (2) she will be more than happy to read my thesis. I told her thank you, that was very kind of her. I did remind her during our last conversation that we don't know for sure if I am officially not coming back. I can't put my finger on it but it was like she wanted to say more and/or was expecting me to say more. I am the type of person who doesn't get all mushy or emotional and she knows that. She has remarked to other individuals that I am stoic at times.

Why do I feel like the conversation was supposed to go a different way? I don't know, it is just a feeling I am getting.

So, today I placed a folder with a document in it in my boss' inbox (The folder had a sticky note on it). Then I walked out. My boss says loudly, " I hate it when you do that".

Wtf?! I am confused. When she is busy she wants me to do that. I don't get it.

Yes she was sitting at her desk, but she was on her computer. I am not a mind reader.

From now on, I guess I will knock and hand her stuff. And if she gets all snippy, I will just say you said I hate it when I drop stuff in your inbox and walking out.

Today was odd.

Manger: Can you help me fix the table in my word document

Me: Sure

Manager (seriously): Thank and hurry up and get in my office before your boss sees you helping me

Me: Okay

I say today was odd because this is the first time this manager has said what she did regarding my boss seeing me helping her. I have been helping her with fixing her word docs, exel sheets and even Powerpoints for the longest time.

Note: my boss is a manager as well. So they are both equals.

Interesting day today.

About an hr or so after I started working, I started to become irritable, my eyes started to hurt, and I couldn't concentrate on what I was working on. This usually indicates to me that a headache or migraine is about hit me. Thus, I walked over to my boss' office, knocked on the door and asked her if it was okay for me to relocated to the library because the lights were bothering my eyes. She asked me what I was working on and I said the report she wants by COB tomorrow. She then said yes of course I can relocate to a dark room to complete the report because I need to block out the noise etc in order to complete the document for my deadline. Then she asked me how she can get in contact with me if she needed me. I stated she could call me or I can do a shared desktop via Chrome so that she can see exactly what I am working on. I was opting for the shared desktop because I planning on disconnecting the phone in the library so I could be in total silence, and also because we were supposed to connect on my progress with the document and it never happened.

Her response to the shared desktop idea was: No!!! I don't want to do that!!". But at the same time I can tell she was intrigued that I was giving her full access to my personal laptop without a second thought.

Last Thursday, my boss bought our team carnations. So, when I walked in on Tuesday I saw the flower in a vase with a note. The note read Thank you for your dedication to our work.

I sent her a thank you email and thought nothing of it.

Today, I brought two orchid stems in because my carnation looked lonely yesterday. Well, my boss comes up to my desk and looks over my counter and says " my carnation is getting swallowed up". To which I responded with " it was lonely so I brought it some company". She said, " they look nice". Then walked away with an unpleased look on her face.

She was at my desk because she was returning a book which she could have retuned at any time with out me being present.

Yesterday, I received an email from my director stating that there was a mandatory meeting coming up. I asked a coworker to verify that by everyone the director meant everyone ( this includes consultants, interns, etc.). I asked my coworker to verify this with the director because previously my boss said I did not have to attend. So, my coworker asks our director and low and behold, I have to attend. This is fine and dandy, I have no problem going.

My boss comes to where I was sitting and my coworker tells her that I have to attend the mandatory meeting. She spent approximately 10-15 minutes arguing with my coworker that I did not have to attend, and she was told by our director's secretary this was the case. Well, my coworker pointed out that (1) our director was in a hurry to get some where and wasn't fully paying attention to the conversation and (2) our director specifically said out loud to her and those in the room that if I need to be picked up from the train station because I am so independent, that I can contact her and she will come and get me. Well, my boss changed her tune quickly and noted I can commute with a specific coworker who is technically exempt for the meeting because she works at her other job on that day. Apparently, she told that coworker it was very important that she attend the meeting. After this whole business, my boss left to her office and walked out of it with her cup because she was getting some water. During her walking to the water cooler, she stopped me and I jumped. (I jumped because I was in the zone preparing to show my coworker our mock ups for my half of our project). She (my boss) rubbed my arm and said that we need to connect; so, come and see her when I get a chance. On her way back from the water cooler, she overheard my coworker say " OMG, look at the little fruit". To which my boss says "what did you say?", and walks over to where we were to take a look at what she was looking at. My coworker showed her the mock ups and my boss said " that's a labor of love" while staring and smiling at me. To which I smiled and then she left backed to her office.

After my coworker and I finished looking at my mock ups, I waltzed over to the boss' office. During this mini meeting, she handed me another project to work on because I was finishing up the current ones I am on. Funny thing is during this same time my coworker calls her telling her there are other folks looking for projects to work on and if she had anything. She said no, and that she was meeting with someone. After that, she hung up and proceeded to give me directions on what she wanted done on the project and that she wanted to connect again next week to go over the work I have done. Then she asked me if I needed anything from her. The way she said it was like she was expecting me to say yes. Which of course, I said no because it was the truth. Then she laughs and says " you are a well oiled machine I guess". I smiled and said yes then left.

Currently, I am debating if I should approach about what's her deal. Why did she say the meeting was optional and it wasn't. And how can she tell others that it is important that they attend and well they are at the same title as me. If it is important they attend, then it is important I attend. Does she not want me on her team? Does she dislike me or hate me? Why is she shoveling out a bunch of work to me and letting others with the similar title as mine do a fourth of what I do?

Some of you know that I am currently looking for a job, and well my friend told me that if I sent her my resume that she will hand it to her friend because she may have openings at her job. Well, I sent my resume to my friend and guess what! She goes and starts correcting my resume! I did not ask her for such a thing, I even told her on numerous occasions that I did not want her correcting it. I like it as is and that is the format that works well companies based on the questions these jobs have been asking.

Now she wants me to fix the resume and resend it to her. I am seriously annoyed at this point because she doesn't get the fact that I did not ask her to correct it and that she seems to have "forgotten" that I even told her that I did not want her correcting it. I honestly don't care if she is fantastic with resume writing, I am not interested in having my resume fixed.

It seems like more and more people are starting to demonstrate boundary issues and it is becoming rather annoying.

Well well well, my boss is interviewing 3 interns and hopes to hire 2 of the 3. I know this because she told my coworker, and we all know that my boss ain't going to say jack to me. Suffice to say, secretaries are pissed at her along with my coworker.

Oh and I caught my mistake after the fact but who cares because I am out the door! Well I care cause I can't believe it slipped through the crack. She didn't catch it nor did my coworker and I caught it because I haven't a clue but I didn't. Oh well I am out the door like I said, and guess what! The secretary had some mad shit to say about my boss and mistakes. She says, " your boss makes those types of mistakes too and I correct them! So, it makes no sense to make a federal case out of it because no one caught it before and they read the same damn document you read. It's called your mind doesn't process the info after a bit".

It has been a minute since I last blogged. This one might be a long one, but I will try to keep it short.

Earlier in the week (Monday), I was chatting with my coworker about what we need to complete and when they need to be done. I mentioned to her the major project I was working on for her was nearly completed, and the minor one is also near completion. She was delighted of course. I then proceed to mention that I know she has a few projects coming down the pipeline and several more that need to be completed. Thus, I told her that I will help her with those projects once I am done since I will be project less come the end of the week.

My coworker laughs and says well I don’t think that is going to happened because I mention to our boss that once you finished up with those two projects, I will have you help me with my other ones. Guess what, my boss told her “ No, she won’t be able to help you with your projects because I need her for X project”. I looked at my coworker and said X project is bs I thought I was booted off if after the fit our boss threw, and also because she had someone else from another team helping her on it. My coworker looked at me and said, “ I don’t know what she is going to have you do on that project, all I know is you can’t help me with me because she needs you working on that project with her”.

Now, I am all for helping my boss complete projects, but there is something that is irking me about her. She is currently in limbo between being an ass and being “nice” to me. She has taken up not responding to the majority of my emails, and they are all important items but of course she picks and chooses which one to respond to; this leads to about 25% of my emails being answered. Those she doesn’t answer I have to speak with her face-to-face and well she likes to play dumb or some form of dumb which I have to say is irritating and if she doesn’t play dumb or some form of it, she plays the I am too busy to help you so say what you have to say quick and get out of my office game. So, why am I irked about her and her being in limbo, well it is because of the fact she is in limbo and when she is in limbo it is not pretty for me. Her limbo is like an office version of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.

So, I told my coworker screw our boss I will help her with her project as my boss has never once mentioned to me that she needed me to work on that project, and plus she had that other person helping her. Also, if I recall my meeting with my boss correctly, I can’t write and she needs someone who is specialized in writing; so, I am basically out the door once she finds my replacement. My coworker was jazzed about the fact I still wanted to help her. I want to help her because she has had my back since day one along with the secretaries, and I consider her to be my “office friend”. So, if my buddy needs help of course I will help her. Thus, I am working on her projects in secret.

So, now I wait for my boss to pull me aside and talk to me about this project component she wants me to work on.

Yesterday (Tuesday), was rather eventful in that I needed my boss’ approval for a document so I can mass produce it and well she found errors in it. I fixed the errors and when I brought it back she still said it needed to be fixed, and I responded sort of like an ass.

Boss: You need to fix this footnote, it isn’t right.

Me: It is right, I copied it exactly from your document.

Boss: Okay, well that’s good but you need to water it down.

Me: Okay, fine then. Why don’t I leave the title and tell people to have at it.

Boss ( Rolling her eyes): Really?

Me: Yes, but I will water it down for them.

Boss (smiling and laughing): Thank you. You know this is what we have to do, watering things down for people so they can understand what our results are saying. It is the nature of the beast.

I have to say in that moment we were having a disagreement, it felt great because normally I would go and make the changes without a peep and tell my coworker who would go and literally fight the battle for me if it was deemed necessary by the both of us. But since I “fought” her on my own it was like she gave me a little bit of respect in that she knows I can deal with her on my own if need be. Lol, my coworker was stoked with what I did, she literally said “ Good throw it back in her face that you got the formatting from her documents! If she doesn’t water it down in her documents why should you?” My coworker is starting to think something is fishy with our boss when it comes to me because it seems like she is always knit-picking or criticizing me to other people. Maybe she feels threatened by me because I possess certain qualities she wish she has, that isn’t my fault. I worked hard on those qualities, and instead of feeling threatened and treating me like a doormat she should be helping me grow professionally. But that is not happening.

Oh! I forgot to mention yesterday, one of the secretaries from another team called me “itty bitty” because I was wearing form fitting clothes. She also said “ keep it classy, you are representing, and if I see you in baggy pants I am calling you out”. She then asked who I worked with, and I told her. She said, “ I should have known since you guys are standing next to each other in this picture. You work with smart people so you have to be smart”. She made my day.

Today I am considering not talking to my closest friends about anything (i.e. personal, work, etc) because it seems like they either (1) don't care to understand/listen to what I have to say about what is going on in my life or (2) think they know more than I do. Case in point, several months ago I was telling one of my closest friends about my crush and how I had strong feelings for her, and well she point blank told me that person isn't for me and I don't truly have feelings for that person because I answered a quote she sent me a specific way. Another close friend loves to tell me to work at her job even though I have told her on several occasions I don't like her job, but she doesn't listen, and she also loves to tell me how my "love" life should be. She is constantly telling me I should make out with random people at parities, etc. I have told her point blank that isn't me and to knock it off. Her response is always " well I want you to have fun". This friend in particular is a special breed. I think at times she thinks she knows what is best for me and tries to impose her views of how I should live my life by constantly nagging.

I know I should be grateful that they accept my bisexuality but damn what is up with them! It's like ever since I came out they started acting this way. I am always there whenever they need me, whether it be boyfriend/family troubles to job problems but when it comes to me it is like they don't care or they know what's good for me and tell me what to do. And I have to say I am sick of it!

Today my crush commented that I was a smooth talker, and that I should use it to find out what happened to an item. If I was such a smooth talker, why aren't we dating?! I mean come-on, I am literally bending over backwards trying show her I am sooo in to her that it isn't funny. It is starting to driving me nuts; especially after today's comment and her looking like her sexy adorable self. I was ready to just ask her if I could hold her hand, but she would never happened and I would never actually ask. And if it did ask and she said yes, I would more than likely look into her eyes and tell her that she is the most beautiful woman I have ever met, and that her smile and laughter makes me forget the crappy day I am having. Also, that her intelligence, humor, caring/kindness, and love makes me love her even more than I can describe.

 

But I digress, back to my point.

 

If I was such a smooth talker, why am I striking out? Does she want me to come out and say hey, I fell for you on the third day I saw you and ever since then I haven't gotten you out of my mind. All I think about is what could be, and how I would treat you like my queen because you make me want to be the best me I can be. I admit, I know she has responsibilities and all but if she felt the same way or even noticed that I felt this way, why can't she help me out by giving me some sort of sign; better yet, just tell me ( she feels the same way or to get lost) because I suck at reading signals. If she were to tell me to get lost, that is fine. I will be heartbroken for a bit but at least I know that path isn't the one for me, and nothing will really change between us expect that I will not be trying to flirt with her anymore. She will still have a place in my heart and I would always be there for her.

Source: Smooth Talker I Am?

Today was rather interesting, interesting in that my boss was off and did not say a word to me or my coworker. Way to go boss, thanks for letting your team know you would not be available for the day. As the adage says, when the boss is away the mice will play. Well I did not play but I go my work done, and have a great conversation with our ever so lovely and helpful secretary.

The secretary schooled me on what she defines as ass kissing, and we both were in agreement on the definition. She then proceeds to tell me the best way to survive in our company and other companies is to "play" people. That is, learn what the person is about (i.e. get a feel for what makes them tick), watch how they interact with others (e.g. management, individuals with the same titles, and those below them), and learn their body language, syntax etc. I am not going to lie, I was ready to tell her you got to be joking but then it got me thinking she has a point doing the above isn't technically kissing ass, it is survival. So, I decided to go into survival mode. I wrote my boss in a nutshell for help with a document I am writing for grad school. My advisor isn't much help with the "substantive" portion of the document, and well my boss has experience in this realm as she wrote a similar document years ago for her Phd. Different topic but similar follow, if that makes any sense. Any who, I am waiting to hear back from her to see if she is willing to help. If she says no, no skin off my nose as I asked for help on something I genuinely needed help on and would have greatly appreciated it as her help would have reduced the amount of time I would spend on rewrites.

I honestly do not want her thinking I am kissing her ass because I am not. If I get an inkling she thinks I am kissing her ass, I am not asking for help from her again. I will ask someone else or do it on my own.

I must also note, writing these blogs has been rather cathartic for me, and I truly appreciate all your comments and advice.

An alley is what you need, not an enemy.

So, today I notified my boss about my job exam which is for our organization but for the main division. She of course responded with well wishes and what not. Then she pretty much stayed away from me, lol. She pretty much acted like I was invisible, what a shocker, not!

When I asked her review a paragraph she pretty much marked it up. I was of course was pissed but the lovely and ever helpful secretary who has been looking out for me used the marking up of the paragraph to explain my boss' " I can't write" comment. Apparently, it is not that I cannot write. It is more of my style of writing isn't what she wants. This of course is a no brainer as I have spent most of my academic career on quantitative psych and she has spent hers in child psych, and has had limited exposure to quant stuff. Since I have been given this wisdom, I can now better understand what my boss expects if/when she assigns me writing tasks. I say if/when because she is literally having another person from another team work on documents etc for her when technically I should be doing it.

The secretary also schooled me on my boss. So, check this out. My boss has difficultly interacting with people. Umm, no she doesn't! She has an issue with people who don't kiss ass and be all fake. I get it, it is hard dealing with people who will call your ass out when you are in the wrong or if they disagree or even call back up when they know you are wrong to prove their point.

Basically, I need to kiss ass and she will be "fine" with me. Umm, no I won't kiss ass; however, I will try to use more finesse with the boss. My coworker also mentioned something very interesting to me. She mentioned my boss wanted a pre-doctoral student. Umm, look here if my boss wanted that then she should have sat down with me and asked me my plans in detail. I don't give up shit easily. If my boss just asked point blank, I would have told her I am planing to get my PhD in quant/measurement and also if possible receive an MA in computer science. But of course she doesn't ask clearly so I don't say squat.

But today provides credence in that I used my words and wrote a bomb ass professional email to her that included words such as nipping and tucking, lip-sticking and rouging, and copacetic. I basically threw her PhD words back in her face to prove a person doesn't need to use them if there isn't a need for them. Plus, I threw in a beautiful line about the GRE; so, we shall see how her demeanor is tomorrow. I learned early on the use of "big" words with people makes folks leer when they are around you.

And this brings me to something folks have pointed out on Shy and in person, my boss is threatened by me. Well if that is the case, I suggest my dear boss to get her shit together and realized that her antics are turning me into an enemy as opposed to a alley. My coworker was wise to make me her alley, and guess what! I have become her right hand! Yes, her right hand!! Now, if my boss can take a hint from her then she will have a right hand as well and benefit immensely from it, just like my coworker.

Lmao, boss "complained" about my attire and guess what! I changed it and I look good!!! Compared to my boss, I make her attire look like she rolling up from the street. Before I wore jeans which isn't against company policy, and now I wear "fancy" pants. I must mention my coworker wears jeans and maintains the causal business look like I used to do before I got "reprimanded".

Today was interesting.

My boss apologized for not being around today. I of course responded like an ass and told her it was cool because I was hanging out with my coworker. My boss' face was priceless because she "wants" to be around to help me "grow", and she never is around because she doesn't give a damn. My coworker and the secretaries are the ones teaching me the ropes etc.

She concludes her conversation with some bs which I knew was coming, and I responded like an ass by saying it has been awhile since I saw so and so.

Tomorrow is going to be fun. I get to drop the bomb I have to miss work for job exam, lol.

Why is it half my friends insist I am straight even though I stated I am bisexual or make off hand remarks about me needing to get my life together. For Pete sake, I am a shy person if someone were to hit on me I wouldn't even know it, and I most definitely wouldn't walk up to a woman or man and hit on them. I will do a lot of staring but that's it.

Shoot, there was a person I was crushing on but that flew out the window. She was great! She was my type, smart, funny, caring, generous, etc. If things were able to happen we could have made a great go at a relationship.

But instead I am alone pondering if I will ever met someone (man or woman) to call my other half.

So Boss acted like her "normal" self. That is walking back and forth to see if I am working on shit and ignoring me.

She was supposed to give me the okay or no on a two sentence insert for a document weeks ago, and obviously she has been lagging which I never once flaunt in in her face. Any who, I opted to ask her in person because she was ignoring my emails. So, when I went and asked her for a yay or nay, she says she has to work on it and wanted to know when I needed it by. I told her if I can get it now, I can get a jump and she basically said well you don't work tomorrow so I will give it to you on Monday. Why in the dickens did she bother asking when I wanted it by, if she already knew she was going to give it to me on Monday.

After that I said okay, and then she said oh yeah I wanted to say the other day nice pants. First off you made a stinker about having a difficult time about how to approach me about my attire and now you are comfortable with commenting? Really!!! You should be hounding other people at the job who are wearing short skirts, low cut tops etc but of course you ain't going to say anything about that.

Just keeping my fingers crossed I find a new job soon.

Boss pretty much hid after lunch. I finished her document and sent it to her with a lovely note about how I am leaving a cabinet unlocked forever and that our team can take stuff etc from their.

She saw the email of course but didn't respond; typical. At the end of the day she comes out of her office saying " let's go home", and I responded with I have to wait for a electronic timesheet. She respond with "don't do any over time let's go", and I explained in detail what I meant and she was like oh okay. Then her fake self walked away after exchanging more good byes.

So, Monday is here oh what a joy.

I ran into one of my coworkers on the way up to our office, and she informed me that she saw folks rummaging through my stuff. She will be the second person since the incident on Thursday to tell me this. After we settled in, we decided to have little chat. But before we left I checked my cabinets and guess what they did not even bother to lock my cabinets back after unlocking and rummaging through my desk. I told my coworker this while we were chatting and in essence she gave me the low down on our boss. She also stated how our boss came to her on Thursday to bitch about me. My coworker who already knew the whole chain of events basically put her back in her place stating (1) I had to manual key in information and type comments for 49 documents, (2) I am busting my ass like a salaried employee ( I am an hourly employee with a set number of hours) and never once bitched about it and (3) our boss was informed about the issues leading up to the delay. My boss obviously didn't give a rats ass and told my coworkers (1) it doesn't matter that I bust my ass like a salaried employee, I have to get my work done no matter what, and (2) oh yeah that's right you did tell me about those issues.

Now, true to form (according to my coworkers insights) my boss is walking around like nothing happened, but you can tell she knows something is up because she is walking around like a scared child and has seen that I have clearly labeled a cabinet that she can access that will remain unlock till I am out the door; plus, she notices that I don't speak to her useless spoken to and I don't look at her when she walks by my desk ( she loves to walk by my desk to see if I am working).

I completed the document she wanted, and handed it to another coworker because she has instructed me countless times that she wants that person to review my work, and I always do.

Guess what my coworkers are leaving early today and I am stuck with my pain in the ass boss for an hour alone

So you can image how happy I am to be stuck with her after her actions. I promised my coworker (the one who gave me the low-down on my boss) that I will refrain from harming her.

As of right now, I am looking for another job because like my coworker said it is time you bounced since our boss is acting like a ding bat even though she is all talk and would never really get ride of me it would be wise to bounce unless I am permanent.

Part 2 updates to follow.

Last week Thursday, my boss asked for a document which I was supposed to have completed a few weeks ago. I immediately informed her that I did not finish it because I wanted to focus on a specific project and that I will complete it before the end of the on Monday. She was obviously angry that I made a decisions that impacted her timeline. I apologized profusely, and told her if she wanted I can let her know I can contact to access the items I am using for the document. She informed me that it was okay, but an hour or so later I was informed that she was trying to gain access to my desk and even enlisted the help of another individual. They did not gain access to my desk but I feel violated. It feels like my desk isn't mine in more, granted it was never mine to begin with but it felt like it was my personal space because she had always encouraged me to decorate it etc. I will be moving all my personal belongs out as I don't feel comfortable in that spot anymore.

This was the first time ever I have made such a mistake, and I informed her during my apologizing that I will never do it again. I thought she accepted my apology but it feels like she didn't. I really love my job but there are times I feel like my boss doesn't want me working there. Its like she wants me doing the grunt work and not learn anything or she wants to be the person teaching me stuff, but how is that possible when she isn't easily accessible.

I don't know, maybe it is time for me to throw the towel in and say goodbye to this place.