Sign in to follow this  
Followers 0
  • entries
    7
  • comments
    17
  • views
    1,285

Entries in this blog

moonbynight

I don't know if any of you remember my ongoing saga with a co-worker (not the male I talked about last time). Long story short - she comes off as very very gay, we became close friends beyond work, she insists she is straight/asexual, she alternates confusingly between being blatantly flirtatious/romantic, platonicallly close-friendly, and professional distance. I feel strongly for her (it's been going on long enough that I'm not going to call it a crush), but would be honestly fine with remaining just friends (and more than fine with an asexual romantic relationship). I had to change the security on those posts when the site changed (and will likely move this post over to the private blog after a time - I'm paranoid for the sake of her privacy), but if anyone is interested in the whole stupid story, I can give you access.

Recently, she admitted to me that she and her long-term "housemate" are "a couple" - something she's denied for years. A couple who seem to be on the verge of breaking up (though that isn't an entirely new situation - I'm not sure if it's truly reaching a breaking point, or simply represents the normal ups and downs of a long term relationship). 

I just don't know what to make of this. I find it plausible that the asexual part is true and that they have a non-sexual relationship. But I'm not sure how you can consider yourself both straight and part of a long-term same-sex self-described "couple". So I feel like she intentionally lied about that part of it on multiple occasions, including on the night I came out to her. While I'm glad she finally told me, I'm a little baffled and hurt that it took this long, especially as she seems to be more open with other people who she isn't as close with.

I can understand why she might have lied when the subject first came up. She's very private, I was perhaps being overly intrusive in asking, at that time I wasn't out to her, and we weren't really friends outside of work yet, so I can understand her being wary of my motives (which were honestly just "I'm lonely as heck and want a friend I can be myself around"). And I can understand that sometimes lies can sometimes be hard to come back from. But the fact that this has extended for years makes me question whether we are really actually friends at all, or if I'm just some overly clingy person she puts up with.

I don't actually think the latter is true. She texts and calls me all the time, which I certainly wouldn't do with someone I was just putting up with. I just try to find reasoning that makes sense, and self-deprecating reasons are easy to accept.

No, I suspect that everything is as I've sensed all along - that we're mutually attracted in at least a romantic sense. And that the flip-flopping is because she's been fighting this because she's effectively married, or I'm married, or professional reasons, or some combination of the three.

Thing is, if she'd been honest about being in a relationship, I think I would have had more boundaries and it never would have gotten like this (Is that true? Am I using "benefit of the doubt" simply to justify the flirting, when I suspected all along that the relationship existed? Did she intentionally not tell me about the relationship so I wouldn't stop?)

I haven't been totally open with her, either. I've never mentioned that my marriage is open. She can be a little on the black and white side when it comes to moral issues, so I wasn't sure how she'd react to that. So she's presumably running under the assumption that either I'm not actually interested or trying to go behind my husband's back. But... if she and her housemate are, in fact, in a relationship, it strongly implies that she isn't particularly monogamous either, as she's occasionally talked about going on dates.

So much added context, and added confusion.

So I decided to increase the chaos level.

She offhandedly offered me some transcription work. It was very casually mentioned, but I got the sense she meant it. I'd actually be perfect for it - I can read her handwriting (most of the time, anyways), I have the background to make sense of what she's written, and enough experience with her thought patterns to know what is intended. But I really don't want another job, nor do I particularly want to be her employee or accept money from her.

But I realized I knew someone who would probably do really well at it with some learning, who is a conscientious worker, detail-oriented, kind of at loose ends, and for whom a more entry-level job makes sense - my husband's girlfriend. So I suggested her (without mentioning the husband's girlfriend part of it), and she was thrilled at the idea, and we're all (minus my husband, since he doesn't have an official part in all this yet) meeting for lunch next week to discuss things.

Because getting your husband's girlfriend a job with the woman you're in love with so that she has more free time to try to fix her relationship with her wife-like-person (I don't mean disrespect by that, but she hasn't really made it clear exactly what form their relationship takes) is totally what everyone does, right?

I want her to be happy. If being happy means fixing her relationship (even in absence of non-monogamy), great. If it means them breaking up, great. I think I'm honestly not drawn to a particular side of that - maybe a little bit more towards the breakup idea because this woman doesn't seem to be a very nice person, and doesn't seem to make her particularly happy, but that could just be because talking to me is her safety valve and I only get the complaints. Presumably something brought and kept them together in the first place.

I am hoping that this will bring up some sort of organic opportunity to talk about the whole non-monogamy thing, but maybe I'm deluding myself on that. Maybe it will just make it even more awkward.

moonbynight

I think a guy and I are flirting. 

I mean, he comes up to me today, asks if I want a kiss, and hands me a Hersey's Kiss. That's flirting, right? 

I just hope I didn't blush too bad at that. Especially if it actually wasn't intended as flirting. I used to blush horribly. No one has commented on it in a few years, so I can only hope I got over that tendency.

That's far from the only example, though so much of it is the sitting around mildly insulting eachother sort of flirting, so it's kind of hard to say. It's maybe possible that it's been going on for years, but definitely escalated over the past few months.

He's married. I'm married too, but we're poly, so it doesn't count. I told my husband I had a new work boyfriend, and he's like "Ok, whatever". But this guy, he's sealed in the temple for time and all eternity married. I ain't messing with that. Not that I believe in it, but it pushes several very specific mistrust buttons for me.

But he's sweet and funny and clean cut and taller than me and intelligent and educated and caring. And paying attention to me. And all of this without one ounce of creepiness or inappropriateness, beyond the fact that we're both married and seem to be flirting.

And, truth be told, I don't think I have any real non-platonic interest in him. My mind hasn't gone there, and doesn't seem to want to. Which kinda makes me question whether I'm interested in men at all anymore. 

I just like attention. Especially such nice, undemanding, PG attention. 

I've always questioned whether he is actually straight. At first he totally pinged my gaydar. And then I found out he was Mormon, and that made sense, because it isn't unusual, in my experience, for Mormon guys to appear more interested in musical theater than women. But guys I'm interested in have this odd tendency to be gay, or at least bi, and he wouldn't be the first married Mormon guy with a bunch of kids to actually be closeted.

But he seems to be flirting with me, which implies at least some interest in women, except that I'm flirting with him and I'm not at all sure I'm interested, so perhaps it's the same on his end? Maybe this is all just some insane ego-boosting charade for both of us?

One can always hope. Because that's certainly easier than the eventuality that one or the other of us will have to put a stop to this.

moonbynight

I really like having this outlet. I like writing for an audience - it's better motivation to write than anything else.

I'm also concerned about privacy. I've been able to identify people I know in real life on large international online forums based on quirks, vague details, or just writing style, so I'm sure the same could happen with me. Many people who work with me would recognize the recent incidents I've posted about.

I'm not concerned for myself. If any legit users of this site know me and figure out who I am, more power to them. Even if someone were snooping on me specifically (eg. they saw the site up on my phone screen and went to dig up dirt), I don't really care.

I am, however, very concerned for the privacy of people I talk about. They are, perhaps, even more identifiable than I am, and it isn't fair to them to have their personal business or my analysis thereof be broadcast to the internet, even in a semi-private manner.

So I've made my original blog friends-only. Posts will be posted here for a period of time because I like attention, and then moved there. Send me a friends request if you want to read any entries involving other potentially identifiable people (in other words, probably anything interesting) - I'm willing to add any established member with a posting history that feels legit.

moonbynight

She's 8. I suspect she won't end up being straight. She has no clue that the colors have any significance. I like it. (Picture visible if you read the full entry)

blogentry-38760-0-98573500-1435092874_thumb.jpg

 

Yesterday my husband and I were shopping at thrift store. They had books on sale 15 for a dollar, so we were combing the shelves. I found A House Like a Lotus by Madeleine L'Engle, and added it to the stack, because I generally grab L'Engle books when I find them. Then I remembered that it was *that* one.

 

The main character is a lonely, geeky teenager, as her main characters tend to be, and so totally appealed to my lonely geeky teenage self. She develops a mentor relationship with a woman who, it turns out, is a lesbian. And that's all well and good. Positively portrayed multifaceted lesbian character.

 

And then she gets drunk and makes a pass at the underage main character, horribly traumatizing her. Who runs away and, if I remember correctly, is almost sexually assaulted by a male classmate, and then has consensual but rather coercive-seeming sex with her (overage) boyfriend.

 

Barf.

 

No, not going to leave that one on the shelf for my maybe-not-straight daughter to stumble across, regardless of how much I otherwise like the author.

moonbynight

For myself (or anyone else who can use it), next time I get angsty:

 

Intuition is accurate, but seeing the context involves looking below the surface, and the context is what is hanging you up and causing the angst. So stop being hormonal and look deeper.

 

You know this. You've written some variation of this in every entry here. You've even discussed this in job interviews.

 

Look deeper. Figure out what filters they're seeing the situation through.

 

And the same holds true for the other person involved - they have no way of knowing your filters, and their assumptions are probably inaccurate.

 

It's not about you.

 

Also, you're probably ovulating. You'll be able to be zen about this all again in a few days.

moonbynight

I find it horribly confusing when people flirt with me.

 

Actually, the flirting itself isn't confusing - I don't have a hard time recognizing flirtatious behaviors. The intention behind the flirting is another story.

 

First, you have the natural flirts. These are the touchy-feely types who tend to come off as flirtatious any time they're friendly.

 

Second, there's the cultural flirts. Apparently, in some cultures, flirtatious behaviors are a sign of friendly, but not sexual, interest. I'll throw the type who flirt without intention to make other people feel good into this category, too.

 

Third, the attention flirts. These are the type who flirt to get attention, either from the target of the flirtation or from someone else - someone who flirts to make their partner jealous, or a straight girl who kisses other girls to get attention from guys.

 

And then there's the interested, but not serious, flirts. They're actually attracted to you, but in a monogamous relationship, or don't want to be queer, or for whatever other reason have no intention of actually taking it any further than flirting even though they're interested. These are especially a problem when you happen to be non-monogamously married, and most of your friends are married, too. It's hard to know how to interpret, and, if the other person assumes you're monogamous and therefore not available, they may flirt under the assumption that they're not going to be misinterpreted as more interested than they really are.

 

Finally, there's the real flirts, who flirt because they're interested in possibly taking things further.

 

How are you supposed to tell which is which?

 

With all the ambiguity, combined with a chronic low self-esteem habit, I have a hard time taking any flirting seriously.

 

I have a friend, whom I have a crush on, who flirts with me. I can go down the lists of flirtatious behaviors posted in various threads on here and use them as a checklist. I have no clue whether she falls into the first, fourth, or final category. Probably not the first, because I think I'd notice if she was frequently acting the same towards others, though I'd say she's more on the natural touchy-feely side. But between the last two categories, I really have no clue.

Sign in to follow this  
Followers 0