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Lookingformyself2014

rytime I hear something about being gay or bi or something along those lines, I start to think about how I am slowly becoming more accepting of myself and yet not at the point of wanting to share it with the world or even people around me. It was easier years ago when I had my best friend around and had someone to talk to and share things with and there has been no one else like that in forever and I find myself thinking about him a lot. There was a time that we didn't talk after the first time I deleted and blocked him and then we reconnected and then had a period where I hardly heard from him and let him go again..I had thought about sending him a friend request again and then I realized that if he wanted to be a part of my life, he could of sent me a friend request as well or a test or something and that says a lot right there.

But anyway, just hearing people- either my mom, her friends, etc, talk about gay people they know, all I can think about is how I'm not out and I don't know what to say about things.. one thing that comes up is how her boss has a ",partner" or whatever and it gets blown off when I mention it would be husband or whatever. Then a few times she will mention that someone could be gay, or whatever and she is fine with it, but yeah, when I came out to her I was told it was my business and she didn't want to hear about it...I know I could open the can of worms and say what I am thinking, but I don't want to have to defend my opinion and then when our neighbor comes over, I sometimes triy to avoid talking to her because she can be so freaking nosy and have to know everything...just like her dad used to be.

In the back of my mind, I know that I could come out and have to answer questions about it from everyone, and I take that as a sign I am not totally ready. I am becoming more comfortable with myself and I don't deny I am bi,and that is one reason I started this blog as a place to clear my head and I am learning more of what I want and slowly becoming comfortable in checking out girls. But I just don't feel ready to share this with everyone around me and maybe just maybe I don't have to.

But more on this later, I am falling asleep and need some sleep...

That's all for now:)

 
 
SHAR
Lookingformyself2014

on my mind

Soo there is a lot on my mind and currently right now I am working on becoming a substitute teacher and am half way through the class and have a lot of free time because of it.

It also is a lot of thinking time and the one thing i have been thinking about is how i am basically hiding from people because I'm not out and eventually want a relationship and it would be hard to bring anyone home or go anywhere seeing as i don't drive...i also don't know how well it would go over to bring someone home and i keep thinking im not ready...

I know i am bi and have for awhile and i am starting to know who i would want and not want to go out with. I also keep a lot to myself and even though i live with my mom, there are things i don't tell her such as my last girl crush and the whole trying to reconnect story. I keep things like that to myself and realize that i need to get it out and form a connection with people.. I started a blog on blogger but have gotten bad about even writing and i really need to... 

I also used to wear makeup and my rainbow pride necklace every day and when i got my last job in a special needs pre k class, i didn't wear any jewelry as i didn't want the kids pulling on it and that was a month ago. I love wearing makeup and just feeling pretty and i do notice a difference when i don't and i am realizing that i need to do small stuff for me and get back to blogging..

I would just come out to my family again, but right now is not the time. My mom is concerned about money as I'm not working and I'm not that close to my brother and sister in law. Plus with my brother and sister in law, they are majorally involved with the church and i don't want to hear about what they think and my mom has said before its my buisness if i tell them and it would be up to me and i just don't feel ready to open myself up for more stress until i am ready...

Lookingformyself2014

Well, i tried to reconnect with my former girl crush and it's going nowhere...in the back of my mind I'm not too surprised because this kinda happened before.. 

When we were friends before, i would get mad at her because a lot of the time i wouldn't hear from her and even back then, we talked more and she was very involved with her family, which is not a bad thing, but you would think that if you posted pictures of your family on Facebook, but can't reply to a message, you could have time for both?? 

I could message her and tell her how i feel about this, but really, she probably wouldn't see anything wrong with it and probably just tell me she would call or message me and never do it...

on another note, she couldn't even wish me a happy birthday on Facebook and she was on there a lot of the day...

As i talked to chemfem about, it is clear that im not a priority to her. And that im better off focusing on someone who will make me a priority. I agree and almost want to delete her again, but i don't know...

Lookingformyself2014

So I started the process of reconnecting with my very first girl crush again... I was blogging on here last night and decided to and so i added her back on facebook and soon after she accepted my friend request and messaged me on fb messenger... It does feel as though we are meeting for the first time as its a few years since i let her go basically because i knew i couldn't have her, but she doesn't know that lol...immediately after i saw i had a message from her, i started feeling giddy and was shocked that she messaged me first...

In the back of my mind, i know im not expecting anything to happen, but for a second the thought did cross my mind..it seems like a huge step that i added her back and don't know what's going to come out of it...she does know i was a lesbian many years ago, but didn't know i had feelings for her, or may be she did lol...i don't know.. 

I honestly don't know what's going to happen or if im going to say anything...i do wonder if i should say anything or explain why i stopped talking to her...its not like she added me first...plus, i don't know how it would go over if i did tell her how i felt...maybe i need to wait and see if she replies to the message i sent her...

I also think there are still feelings for her as i spent time thunking about her like i used to do before i went to sleep...and speaking of, i just got a reply to my message!!

Lookingformyself2014

Who else checked out the girls they were friends with? Who else wanted them all to themselves when you were hanging out and missed them when they weren't there? At the time, i didn't realize this, but over time of thinking about this stuff, its becoming clear. One of them, Ashley, I started thinking i was crushing on her one day she wasn't there and i was missing her horribly...another one, kelso, was the one who i had serious feelings for, i realized that i would of loved a chance to explore having her as a girlfriend and i hated when we were with her friends mostly because i had to share her and i think on some level, i didn't want them to pick up on my feelings for her and to this day i wonder if she knew and i also have thought about telling her but we haven't talked in a few years and frankly im not sure its worth the effort..not to mention that she comes from an extremely religious family and while she was accepting of me, I know from a conversation we had years ago, that if her parents would freak about her dating a girl, they would probably have a cow if we were dating...i had thought of seeing what would happen if i did start talking to her again and brought this up since i stopped talking to her when i realized i had strong feelings for her and she has a chronic illness and i wouldn't want to do anything to make things worse or cause any crap... 

 

Lookingformyself2014

I want to have a crush on someone again..i miss my toxic texting buddies who would leave me with butterflies and fantasies. I want to find someone who I connect with and who i can hang out with and who im close to and i also want someone to havw a crush on me. I would love to know that someone gets butterflies when i text them and that there heart races when they see me or when i text them. I also want someone that will tell me how they feel earlier then 3 years after the fact!!- that's what happened after 3 years with my clingy crush and looking back, I realize that his silence spoke volumes and told me everything he wasn't saying. I also started wondering the other day if he was gay...that one im curious about and yet not enough that i would unblock him and add him as a friend or text him again...but still i wonder....

Lookingformyself2014

Soo around this time for the last few years, i think about how it was after halloween(we went to a halloween dance and afterwards sat around talking with some friends of his, one of which was bi and as they sat talking about different experiences, i realized it sounded like me- about a week later, something clicked and. I knew i wasn't straight) thought i was a lesbian, came out as a lesbian and confessed to my gay bestie about my crush on him that he already freaken knew about...a friend of his told him and i had a feeling he knew, but until i told him, i didn't find that part out. It was after this conversation that i spent a lot of time on the internet and realizing that every thing that had happened, made sense. 

I didn't realize until this point that thinking about someone before you go to sleep was the equivalent of a wet dream and that was what happened with my first girl crush...i don't know what it was, but i liked her when i first saw her.. I wanted her all to myself and hated when she wanted to have a friend of hers join us for lunch and to this day i never told her how i felt..i started to and tripped over myself so bad that she told me if i couldn't get it out, it was okay... I had thought about telling her, but it has been so long and i even stopped talking to her because i knew nothing was going to come of it and it has been years since we have really talked... 

I spent the night at her house and we shared her bed and even before i went to sleep, i thought about her...and how i would of loved to cuddle with her or something...that was rough...and the next time i was supposed to stay over, someone at her house was sick and it wasn't a good time..i was thrilled because i knew i was attracted to her and it was killing me being around her but not being able to say anything....

Lookingformyself2014

Well i guess it should of been obvious when i was in high school and had an extemely obvious crush on my chorus teachers son...he would walk in the room and my face would light up and by my senior year, the class would turn around and look at me and that would also be the case if his mom talked about him...i would talk about him to my friends all the time and even went to visit another class the day he came to visit cause my cousin was in there and told me she was going to tell him...i never did find out what happened after that, though...

Then, the crush after him on my gay best friend was when i was told how obvious i was and he already knew...when he was around, before i knew he was gay, we would mirror each others movements and i would catch him staring at me cause i was staring at him and other people thought we were a couple and i guess on one level we were.

my first real crush was the one who became super clingy and wanted attention. When i was crushing on him, i would get really nervous when he was around and try not to be caught staring and i got all flustered and then started telling people and im just realizing that its no wonder why i am so obvious...

1.i start smiling a lot

2. I talk about the person constantly

3. I make sure i look good when they are around 

4. I don't talk directly to them...cause i only get more flustered...

5.this was kinda hard to analyze this and write it out

Lookingformyself2014

Well its been a little while and im half asleep and ready for bed cause i have to work in the morning and yet i want to blog before i fall asleep...

Lately I have done a few things i normally wouldn't do before and while they may not seem huge, its noticeable to me- 

1. Smiling at a girl cashier in the store and having her smile back at me...this happened this morning and im still thinking about it

2. Telling my mom about the girl i was crushing on and how she was married and to a woman and how they have kids...mu mom didn't really respond, but it was huge to me...i left out the part of how i thought she liked me...but knowing myself and how obvious i have been in the past....

3.realizing that i may be small crushing on the teacher i work with when after i overheard that she was divorced, and someone mentioned her looking for someone, i let my mind wonder to if i would have a chance with her...i try not to think too much about it because we do work together and i need to be on my game while in her class..

I have to wonder if im becoming more comfortable with being myself and also maybe accepting myself as well...

On another side, i think that just talking about girls and checking them out, its making it obvious and it may be a subtle outing...

.

Lookingformyself2014

.so lately I have been doing a lot of thinking and one thing I am realizing is that in order to be myself and embrace all of me, I need to be accepting of my sexuality and not expect others to accept it...this is all because i have started reading the warrior goddess training book and applying it like someone would a bible study. It's because of this that i need to explore my bi side and let it develop into what it will...for me that means posting here more, liking things i like and starting a bisexual album on instagram. 

On another note, the other night my mom and i were talking about a game we play and she was telling me about an lgbt group the game has and that had not happened and may seen small, but i think we are moving in the right direction...its like i start working on accepting myself more and other little things pop up ..

 

More later

 

 

 

 

Lookingformyself2014

Am I the only one who is an overthinker? I can normally catch myself doing it and still I have it continue. I couldn't decide what I wanted to do today and then I went outside and tried to sneak past a neighbor who wanted to talk and she said hi to me and I said hi back and now I am overthinking this because I didn't stop and talk to her...tomorrow is our last day of spring break and then we are back Monday and I don't know If I am even remotely ready to go back. I have enjoyed being home and doing what I want and not getting stressed about what the other girls are going to be doing and if I should say something, and I am realizing that I need to change my mindset about this job and make more time for the things I want to do after I am home so I don't sit around and stress about what had occurred during the day...I have been walking to work just to keep in practice but today was freaking cold and I chose not to and now I'm regretting that...it has been nice to not focus about work and instead focus on what I want to do with my time and I need more of that and maybe that's why I'm getting bummed about tomorrow being our last day of break...

 

I keep thinking of old crushes and friends I have had and my mind starts to overthink that too...I didn't say anything to end it, I just stopped because it was toxic and to go back would be more stressful. I keep thinking that with my last crush maybe the reason I keep thinking of him is because he was sweet and I could of seen myself in a relationship with him, if it would of went there and if he would of put as much attention and effort in as I was...I had thought of writing him a letter, and not sending it just to get things out and I still haven't done it. It's kinda freaky to think of all the people I have let go of who I thought were friends or whatever only to realize they only came around when they needed something, I mean it's a little stressful because sometimes I think about them and if they ever think about me and it's obvious they don't and it makes me realize how much energy I put into them that needs to be back on myself.

 

Then I have been doing a lot of thinking and when I was in high school I was really close to my chorus teacher, considered her my second mother and had an obsessive crush on her son and she said I was one of her favorites and it's like for a few years after I graduated, I talked to her and sang with them, went to concerts and stuff like that. And then it was like something changed, she would keep in touch with the other kids who I was in class with, got mad because I emailed her something that she said was spam or something and now it's like if I comment on her Facebook I get a response like she has no clue who I am. And when I was in high school, I cleaned her room because I wanted to, gave her gifts, threw her a birthday party, and was basically the quiet loner girl and loved loved loved her and her class.. But then again, looking back, one thing that bothered me was that until I was in college and sang for her, she never told me I sounded good or anything, unless it was one time she told me I was doing a good job after it took me awhile to learn how to match pitch and blend in. Wow..didn't realize how much I was writing, but I'm becoming more aware that I am spending a lot of time living in the past and wasn't expecting to do that...

Lookingformyself2014

So we got the movie 50 shades of grey and I have been wanting to watch it- I know there is a lot of mixed reviews about it and I have been into bdsm and that kind of thing for awhile and I know that there is a safe way to go about it and a way not to and I would be tempted to speak up about the differences which could mean outing myself and that is one thing I wouldn't want to talk about with my mom- we don't talk about the fact that I am bi and we don't talk about my crushes etc, so I wouldn't want to bring up an interest in bdsm...anywho, my mom puts it on and I am listening from another room and all I can think about is playing with myself and how I would want a relationship where I want to be submissive, I just couldn't wrap my mind around sitting there with my mom and squirming in the chair because I am getting wet and turned on at the idea of being submissive, not so much the sexual aspects in the movie although it may change when I watch the movie myself.....

Lookingformyself2014

Soo a friend I had in 8th grade and in high school sent me a friend request on Facebook and I added her and she started messenging me like crazy and stopped after I responded. So I gave her a chance until a few days ago when she asked me if I drove so I could go and get something from someone and meet up with her and when I told her I didn't and I would be busy the next day, I got no other response or message from her. That bugs me and made me realize why I haven't added her and we are not playing that game. When we were in high school, Her boyfriends mom was my bus driver and when she found that out, she would ask me constantly to tell her stuff and to bugged the crap out of me. Pretty sad that after 13 years, some people don't change...

 

Then I family I used to housesit and babysit for every summer, all of a sudden out of the blue wanted me to dogsit over spring break- on one hand, it would be money, but on the other hand, it has been over 2 years since you have asked me to do anything and now all of a sudden, after we haven't talked to each other, you want me to dogsit for your mom during my break..ugh yeah...I am tired of dog and house sitting because I don't drive and she has like 4-5 dogs and 4 cats and my allergies were through the roof the last time I was over there and now they are both blocked and deleted.. Oh I should mention that I ignored her text and fb message and that's all there is.

 

I am realizing that the people I am leaving behind need To go... I am done with the ones who don't bother with you unless they need something...

Lookingformyself2014

Soo its been awhile and there has been a lot going on in my head.. One thing i keep doing is thinking of my old crushes..i have no desire to talk to them, but i keep thinking of what they meant to me and one thing that popped in my mind is that if my last former friend wanted to get in touch with me he could of texted me or called me over the last few years... And so thats one reason i don't text him or add him on facebook because he could of made an effort if it would of mattered to him...he did say before he left that he wouldn't miss me that much and even though it was years ago, it definitely was true...

 

Then awhile back there was a girl i work with who would bring me home and i thought she was crushing on me and then i realized she was married.. Well imagine my surprise ehen she added me on facebook and i found out shes married to a woman😄... Is it weird that after that i couldn't stop thinking of her and think i even dreamed about her? I'm realizing that i find myself checking out girls and that the more i do it, the more comfortable i feel about it..i also realized that i had been checking out

The girls i work with thinking i was crushing and only to realize i don't like the 2 of them...long story....okay, short story- they are both lazy and like to slack off constantly and do what they want, not there job....

 

Soo on another note, ive been letting go of people who i only hear from when they need something or if there view of what i want doesn't match up with what's actually going on and it stresses me out to have to explain myself...and honestly, i am glad for doing it...it is one thing less that I need to think about...i am to the point where if people don't bother with me, im letting it go and putting the energy on me...i am happier not chasing people and that should be a huge sign that it needed to be done... I have needed to blog for awhile and haven't but here it is..right now i am wanting to get to know people and myself and eventually down the road meet a girl...i believe that i want a relationship with a girl and lately Thats where my thoughts have been...that is, after i get to know them and we have a connection...we would have to start off as friends and go from there...i would love to meet someone i click with and can do things with...and i know it would help to be able to get out and meet people, but right now I'm limited to the internet....

 

 

Until later...cause its almost sleepy time😴

Lookingformyself2014

Soo its been awhile and there has been a lot going on in my head.. One thing i keep doing is thinking of my old crushes..i have no desire to talk to them, but i keep thinking of what they meant to me and one thing that popped in my mind is that if my last former friend wanted to get in touch with me he could of texted me or called me over the last few years... And so thats one reason i don't text him or add him on facebook because he could of made an effort if it would of mattered to him...he did say before he left that he wouldn't miss me that much and even though it was years ago, it definitely was true...

 

Then awhile back there was a girl i work with who would bring me home and i thought she was crushing on me and then i realized she was married.. Well imagine my surprise ehen she added me on facebook and i found out shes married to a woman😄... Is it weird that after that i couldn't stop thinking of her and think i even dreamed about her? I'm realizing that i find myself checking out girls and that the more i do it, the more comfortable i feel about it..i also realized that i had been checking out

The girls i work with thinking i was crushing and only to realize i don't like the 2 of them...long story....okay, short story- they are both lazy and like to slack off constantly and do what they want, not there job....

 

Soo on another note, ive been letting go of people who i only hear from when they need something or if there view of what i want doesn't match up with what's actually going on and it stresses me out to have to explain myself...and honestly, i am glad for doing it...it is one thing less that I need to think about...i am to the point where if people don't bother with me, im letting it go and putting the energy on me...i am happier not chasing people and that should be a huge sign that it needed to be done... I have needed to blog for awhile and haven't but here it is..right now i am wanting to get to know people and myself and eventually down the road meet a girl...i believe that i want a relationship with a girl and lately Thats where my thoughts have been...that is, after i get to know them and we have a connection...we would have to start off as friends and go from there...i would love to meet someone i click with and can do things with...and i know it would help to be able to get out and meet people, but right now I'm limited to the internet....

 

 

Until later...cause its almost sleepy time😴

Lookingformyself2014

So it has been awhile and I am making some changes...one thing I am changing is leaving the people behind who clearly see me as an option while I tend to make them a priority. I understand people get busy and have other things to do and yet if they want to make time for you, they would. One of the things that bugs me a little is that one of them is someone I came out to and for Awhile I was the only one texting and she would respond but usually only if I texted first and sometimes I wouldn't hear from her.... The last time I texted her, I mentioned that I hadn't been texting her cause I hadn't heard from her and I think now she is ignoring my texts and frankly I'm not too bummed. It was starting to feel like way too much effort on my end and not even as much from her...and so I felt it was time to move on...I am realizing that I need to worry about myself and not the ones who don't worry about me...the other one is a teacher I used to volunteer with and we were pretty close or so I thought- but maybe the thing was that I was over there volunteering with her and helping her kids almost constantly and even when I didn't want to....when I transferred, I stayed in touch as she is one of my references...but I noticed that it was extremely one sided and when I went awhile without texting her, she did the same. At an interview I had, one of the interviewers knew her and I texted her because I had missed talking to her and that just felt weird, even though she did reply to my text and then when I texted her to let her know I didn't get the job and she starts talking about how I need to find my dream job and it's like she didn't remember anything from when we were hanging around in her room and I was helping do stuff for her class and soon she came to expect me to come over there and so let's see...after she started telling me to find my dream job, it occurred to me that we weren't on the same wavelength and it's like I feel as though it's out of sight out of mind and I was feeling more stressed out after texting her and so I am going back to not texting her because all it felt like I was doing was defending myself and when I was getting ready to leave for my other school, she was all dramatic and saying how much she was going to miss me and yet with a lack of texting you wouldn't know it.

 

In the back of my mind I have realized that I am better off and less stressful focusing on myself and letting go of the ones who did the same with me and I do understand that people are busy and things do change, but if you are the only one who is doing the texting and making the effort as I was, it needs to change....

Lookingformyself2014

Demisexual is a term used for people who experience sexual attraction and can enjoy intimacy, but don’t actively seek it out and often require a deep personal connection before being intimate. Demisexual people often have lower sex drives, but are not completely asexual. Demiromantic people experience romantic attraction, but are not drawn to romance and do not actively seek it out..

 

After reading this online, it suddenly all makes sense... After reading this, it's like something clicked in my head, and it would explain all the relationships I have had. Let's see, where to start-

 

Relationship A: he was my gay best friend who after awhile of us hanging out and getting close, I started to realize I had a crush on him. We were so close at one point that all he had to do was look at me and he knew what I was tihnking, he was the first person I came out to and he was the only one who said he was proud of me after coming out to my mom...when we were hanging out together it was like we had our own little world and I always liked hanging out with him one on one because I didn't care for a lot of his friends and they weren't always so decent to me... Now looking back, it may of been me and my anxiety...but at the time I wasn't aware of it. But he was.... He played the cello and I loved how goofy he was and how he could make me laugh and then after awhile of us hanging out and stuff, I started to fantasize about him coming behind me and us making out in the hallway and this was while he was sitting across from me...

 

 

Relationship B- Mr.Clingy: this was the most recent one and this one takes the cake. He drove me crazy at first and then I started thinking he was cute. Our boss at the time tried to play match maker for us and at first I resisted doing anything because I didn't feel right about it and yet I kept thinking about him and we used to do computer lab for the kids and the kids picked up on it really quick that there was something going on between us and so after working with him and being around him, I started to like little quirks of his personality and then one day I realized I was crushing on him and I loved talking to him and we started to do a story by text and we would do these all the time and my feelings for him were growing more and more and now I realize that it was his personality coming through in the story and that was who my feelings were for...not really him cause we don't really know each other.

 

So now all of this is starting to make sense and now to post this, and learn more about myself and keep on exploring and see where this takes me....

 

 

Lookingformyself2014

Well, I can't believe it is already Monday night and I go back to work Wednesday and I have been trying not to think about it but that is all I have been thinking about because I have loved having 2weeks off where I could do what I wanted and not have to be around people I don't like...I know that is life, but I do not want to get back in the habit of coming home stressed and not being able to forget about work...that is one thing I haven't missed, being home for 2 weeks...

 

I also have started a blog on tumblr and it has helped me vent and get out things I want to say..I am still working on getting followers so if you are interested in following, let me know and I'll give you my username... Also, it has been about 6 months or so since I have heard from my former crush, he texted me for my birthday and I never texted him back...so I think he got the hint cause I have not heard from him since and I haven't reached out to him either...gotta say that feels pretty freaken good because even though I have thought about him, I know it's better if I avoid contact..there was one day at work when we had a substitute who looked like him, but with facial hair and I about freaked. I wasn't sure what he was going to do if he would come and talk to me and luckily nothing happened. He got a salad and left... Still. That was a freaky day

 

I also want to start affirmations again and I have a whole book I made but to read through it and journal everyday takes a while, so I am going to start off with 3-4..another thing I want to do is focus more on me and less on people I don't hear from...one of the people I came out to I haven't talked to much unless I text her first or she happens to be working at the school I'm at...and the other one, the teacher I volunteered with before I switched schools I don't hear from and I could text her, or both of them, but it's like I am the one doing all the texting and from before when I would text her about stuff at work. I either wouldn't get a reply, or a very short one and it was soo different when I was volunteering with her and would be in her classroom just about everyday doing stuff for her,,,I am just glad that I didn't come out to her...something told me not to and I am so glad I listened..

 

Then earlier today my mom Colored a picture for and used rainbow colors and I was curious as to why because my first thought was that rainbow=lgbt=her daughter=maybe coming around even though we haven't discussed it in years and so I asked her and she started to get all defensive and I didn't even mention anything about being bi, coming out, etc... There are times when she can be hard to talk to and tends to get frustrated when I mention things to her...or how I feel about certain things etc...I think she thinks that I need to handle some stuff on my own and there is some truth to that,,, there are times that I live in my head and keep a lot to myself...I tell her more than my dad, but there are things I keep to myself...

 

I'm realizing that I need to do what I want to do and create a routine that works for me and not worry about other people and especially the ones who can't bother to get in touch with me. I know people get busy, but I shouldn't be the only one texting...I feel as though I am on my own and maybe that's a good thing..mange that is why this is happening...I need to make myself a priority and stop worrying about other people and what they think....I also want to be driving by the summer so I can be working all summer and not have to have that stress again...last summer sucked because I was home and you could just tell the lack of money was creating a suck fest and stress between me and my mom....

 

Any who, that is all for now...

Lookingformyself2014

So as the title says, these are some thoughts that have been floating around in my head and I can't stop thinking about this... So here goes...

 

1. The fact that I'm not out keeps popping up in my head. I keep thinking about how I eventually want a relationship and it would be easier to be out and dating, but I know I'm not ready to..there are times that I feel like I'm in my own world and yet on one level that is where I need to be because I'm working on accepting myself and I realized today that when I was out with my mom and sister in law that I was checking out the girl who brought our drinks and at one point I thought she was checking me back out too:)... Anywho, it sometimes feels like I'm not being myself because I'm not out, but right now I don't need the stress of telling my brother and sister in law,,,I'm still working on things such as letting people do there own thing and if there not accepting, letting it be there issue and not mine.. I know that I am bi and clearly feel myself getting more comfortable checking out girls and so it's a step in the right direction..but I'm not sure I want to share this stuff with them... I also am thinking that I need to meet other bi people online and get a sense of friends and have people to talk to about this stuff and that is what I used to love about a former best friend of mine and there are times that I feel so shy about all this and my former friend and I could talk about all sorts of stuff and we were really close and I miss that. I try to do some things we used to do and keep thinking I could do more... It's like how do you meet other people- when you are mostly limited to online and so it goes...maybe I need to blog more about thoughts like this when they come in my head...

Lookingformyself2014

So it has been 4 months since I have heard from my former crush and it has been nice... I do think of him from time to time and probably always will, but I am noticing a change,,,for the longest time I couldn't watch sound of music even though it was my favorite movie because it reminded me of what I thought we were and so the other day I sat down and watched it to prove a point to myself...we weren't the captain and Maria, but instead Rolfe and Liesel...he only came around for the attention of delivering the telegram and she thought she was in love with him as I was...it didn't occur to me until I watched it this last time, but now it makes sense...she would wait for him to come just like I did when I would wait for hi to text me. He would go awhile without texting and then a few months later I would hear from him...it was the same thing I with Rolfe and liesel...when he became a nazi,he ignored her and only paid her attention when he needed to... And so I am seeing that it was the same way for us...and I am much better off....plus,one reason I backed off from him was because I was losing interest and realizing that I want to have what I thought we had with a woman,,,and that's another thing..

 

I am realizing that I am checking out girls all the time and it is starting to become second nature...I am also seeing that instead of one type of person, I'm becoming open to or so I have the thought of being with someone who clicks with me and may not be what I thought I wanted, true I haven't dated anyone, but I have thought of it and would love a close relationship with someone who wants to do stuff and hang out and text and chat and even video chat... These are things that I wanted with him, but never happened...

 

I have also deleted an old crush of mine from Facebook...she was the first girl crush I had and I never told her and I felt weird talking to her because I realized that I had feelings for her and nothing would happen because of her conservative family and not to mention she was straight...I never felt comfortable telling her and we were friends on Facebook and she started following me on my Instagram even though she hasn't talked to me and so I deleted her yesterday and need to from my other Facebook... We used to text and be really close and then it would be I hardly ever heard from her and we both had different lives,, she was all for her family and almost got married and yes when I heard that, I got jealous...but I got past it....

Lookingformyself2014

Well, it has been floating around my head lately and I need to get it out, is it weird that I am going to be 32 this week and have never had sex? Or been in a relationship? I mean, I have had crushes and close friends that seemed like I had a boyfriend or girlfriend....one of my best friends and I had what we called a friendmance because we were that close and he was gay, but on the outside it looked like we were dating.... It has been many years since I have seen him and to this day, I find myself thinking about him... I have realized that things have changed too much for anything to be like it was and I no longer go on his Facebook to see what he is up to and yet it brings a smile to my face when I think about how close we were or how just hearing a song we used to listen to or see a place we used to go, can bring back so many memories....

Lookingformyself2014

I have been meaning to do this for awhile and so here it is...there have been a lot of things going through my mind and one of my main things is that I need to focus on me and not my job that I don't want but need for the money....I spend a lot of time at home thinking about work and that needs to stop....

 

Anyway. On to my mind-

 

1. This week is around the 7 year anniversary of when I realized I wasn't straight. I thought I was a lesbian with a crush on my gay best friend and we went to a fall dance together and it was after hanging out with his friends that I realized I wasn't straight...it led to an awkward week because I had that floating around in my head and even though he was my closest friend at the time, it was a struggle because I knew that if I brought it up to him, it would reveal my feelings I had for him... Well, fast forward a week and we had everything out on the table and were closer than ever, one of his friends told him I liked him and so he already knew... He was also the only one who said he was proud of me after I came out to my mom and so this time of year I start thinking about him and how our friendship started my self discovery....

 

2. I need to create a work life balance and leave work at work. Right now I want a better job and have to find the motivation everyday to go. I have been applying for jobs and getting really good at the interview process and I am trying to focus on what I want instead of focusing on a job that I don't really like. Right now there is a lot of drama and people getting caught up in what another coworker is doing and I hate the fact that I am there mostly because I am there for the money and try to stay focused on my next job that I want.

 

3. It has been nice not thinking about my former crush- the one I have been blogging and posting about, I admit, I do think of him and now I am hoping that it continues not hearing from him. I feel it's good that I don't dream about him and don't even want to hear from him...I do check periodically to see if he has called only because I have had a few unknown calls and no voicemail. So who knows? About the only way he could get in touch with me is my work email and all I would have to do is delete that..soo..I am just glad that he is at another school that Is out of my area and that I won't be applying for...so that's one awkward situation off the list...

 

4. I'm also to the point where I focus on myself more and not so much others, although there are times that I get anxious around other people at work. Ever since I stood up for myself, the drama queen hasn't told me what to do like she was before. I stay to myself and do my job and leave after. I am also to the point where I don't mind keeping things to myself and having my own interests and not minding being different from people around me...well, that's kinda sorta...sometimes are better than others.

 

5. I am realizing that I keep thinking about women and have found myself checking out girls. I also have had the need to be more social at reach out online and start connecting with people at least online. I am limited to online as I get to know myself and would love to make like minded friends to chat with. I tried to keep things to myself before and it just didn't work. I figure the more I connect with others, it will help me to accept myself.

Lookingformyself2014

So it has been awhile and I have been doing a lot of thinking and one thing I am realizing is that I need a balance between work and other things, a lot of my stress lately has come from focusing on work when I'm not at work and do more online. I am looking for a full time job and working on learning how to drive... And that is what I focus on. The one close friend I had has stopped texting me because she got busy with her new job and so right now I guess we are only friends on Facebook...I also am realizing that I need to put more energy on myself and do what I want..the same amount of energy I am putting into other people, needs to be put on myself.

 

It has been about 3 months since I have communicated with my former crush. I do think of him from time to time, but that is severely decreasing from before and it's starting to feel really good to not hear from him. Although I have to admit a few times I have thought about texting him to share with him what I was going through job wise cause he has been in the same boat.. But I didn't...

 

I am also wanting to talk and get to know people like me...I am trying to figure out how to do that,,

Lookingformyself2014

Well, its been needing to be done and friday was it. One of my co workers would spend more time worrying about what another coworker was or wasn't doing and tried to get me to go along with her and i did for a little bit even though it was driving me crazy and so when she told me todo something and i didnt, i knew it was the tip of the iceberg...after she tried to tell me what was going on and i told her i can only worry about myself and not everyone else and then she said she was only looking out for me and i knew that wasn't true so, i just said okay and she stormed off and i felt soo much better after and she wouldn't even talk to me for the rest of the day... I was in a great mood after and i am a little anxious about tomorrow, but not a lot. I felt really good after i said what i had to say and it made it an awesome friday!!

Lookingformyself2014

Well, its been needing to be done and friday was it. One of my co workers would spend more time worrying about what another coworker was or wasn't doing and tried to get me to go along with her and i did for a little bit even though it was driving me crazy and so when she told me todo something and i didnt, i knew it was the tip of the iceberg...after she tried to tell me what was going on and i told her i can only worry about myself and not everyone else and then she said she was only looking out for me and i knew that wasn't true so, i just said okay and she stormed off and i felt soo much better after and she wouldn't even talk to me for the rest of the day... I was in a great mood after and i am a little anxious about tomorrow, but not a lot. I felt really good after i said what i had to say and it made it an awesome friday!!

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