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Lookingformyself2014

rytime I hear something about being gay or bi or something along those lines, I start to think about how I am slowly becoming more accepting of myself and yet not at the point of wanting to share it with the world or even people around me. It was easier years ago when I had my best friend around and had someone to talk to and share things with and there has been no one else like that in forever and I find myself thinking about him a lot. There was a time that we didn't talk after the first time I deleted and blocked him and then we reconnected and then had a period where I hardly heard from him and let him go again..I had thought about sending him a friend request again and then I realized that if he wanted to be a part of my life, he could of sent me a friend request as well or a test or something and that says a lot right there.

But anyway, just hearing people- either my mom, her friends, etc, talk about gay people they know, all I can think about is how I'm not out and I don't know what to say about things.. one thing that comes up is how her boss has a ",partner" or whatever and it gets blown off when I mention it would be husband or whatever. Then a few times she will mention that someone could be gay, or whatever and she is fine with it, but yeah, when I came out to her I was told it was my business and she didn't want to hear about it...I know I could open the can of worms and say what I am thinking, but I don't want to have to defend my opinion and then when our neighbor comes over, I sometimes triy to avoid talking to her because she can be so freaking nosy and have to know everything...just like her dad used to be.

In the back of my mind, I know that I could come out and have to answer questions about it from everyone, and I take that as a sign I am not totally ready. I am becoming more comfortable with myself and I don't deny I am bi,and that is one reason I started this blog as a place to clear my head and I am learning more of what I want and slowly becoming comfortable in checking out girls. But I just don't feel ready to share this with everyone around me and maybe just maybe I don't have to.

But more on this later, I am falling asleep and need some sleep...

That's all for now:)

 
 
SHAR
Lookingformyself2014

on my mind

Soo there is a lot on my mind and currently right now I am working on becoming a substitute teacher and am half way through the class and have a lot of free time because of it.

It also is a lot of thinking time and the one thing i have been thinking about is how i am basically hiding from people because I'm not out and eventually want a relationship and it would be hard to bring anyone home or go anywhere seeing as i don't drive...i also don't know how well it would go over to bring someone home and i keep thinking im not ready...

I know i am bi and have for awhile and i am starting to know who i would want and not want to go out with. I also keep a lot to myself and even though i live with my mom, there are things i don't tell her such as my last girl crush and the whole trying to reconnect story. I keep things like that to myself and realize that i need to get it out and form a connection with people.. I started a blog on blogger but have gotten bad about even writing and i really need to... 

I also used to wear makeup and my rainbow pride necklace every day and when i got my last job in a special needs pre k class, i didn't wear any jewelry as i didn't want the kids pulling on it and that was a month ago. I love wearing makeup and just feeling pretty and i do notice a difference when i don't and i am realizing that i need to do small stuff for me and get back to blogging..

I would just come out to my family again, but right now is not the time. My mom is concerned about money as I'm not working and I'm not that close to my brother and sister in law. Plus with my brother and sister in law, they are majorally involved with the church and i don't want to hear about what they think and my mom has said before its my buisness if i tell them and it would be up to me and i just don't feel ready to open myself up for more stress until i am ready...

Lookingformyself2014

Well, i tried to reconnect with my former girl crush and it's going nowhere...in the back of my mind I'm not too surprised because this kinda happened before.. 

When we were friends before, i would get mad at her because a lot of the time i wouldn't hear from her and even back then, we talked more and she was very involved with her family, which is not a bad thing, but you would think that if you posted pictures of your family on Facebook, but can't reply to a message, you could have time for both?? 

I could message her and tell her how i feel about this, but really, she probably wouldn't see anything wrong with it and probably just tell me she would call or message me and never do it...

on another note, she couldn't even wish me a happy birthday on Facebook and she was on there a lot of the day...

As i talked to chemfem about, it is clear that im not a priority to her. And that im better off focusing on someone who will make me a priority. I agree and almost want to delete her again, but i don't know...

Lookingformyself2014

I want to have a crush on someone again..i miss my toxic texting buddies who would leave me with butterflies and fantasies. I want to find someone who I connect with and who i can hang out with and who im close to and i also want someone to havw a crush on me. I would love to know that someone gets butterflies when i text them and that there heart races when they see me or when i text them. I also want someone that will tell me how they feel earlier then 3 years after the fact!!- that's what happened after 3 years with my clingy crush and looking back, I realize that his silence spoke volumes and told me everything he wasn't saying. I also started wondering the other day if he was gay...that one im curious about and yet not enough that i would unblock him and add him as a friend or text him again...but still i wonder....

Lookingformyself2014
So I started the process of reconnecting with my very first girl crush again... I was blogging on here last night and decided to and so i added her back on facebook and soon after she accepted my friend request and messaged me on fb messenger... It does feel as though we are meeting for the first time as its a few years since i let her go basically because i knew i couldn't have her, but she doesn't know that lol...immediately after i saw i had a message from her, i started feeling giddy and was shocked that she messaged me first...
In the back of my mind, i know im not expecting anything to happen, but for a second the thought did cross my mind..it seems like a huge step that i added her back and don't know what's going to come out of it...she does know i was a lesbian many years ago, but didn't know i had feelings for her, or may be she did lol...i don't know.. 
I honestly don't know what's going to happen or if im going to say anything...i do wonder if i should say anything or explain why i stopped talking to her...its not like she added me first...plus, i don't know how it would go over if i did tell her how i felt...maybe i need to wait and see if she replies to the message i sent her...
I also think there are still feelings for her as i spent time thunking about her like i used to do before i went to sleep...and speaking of, i just got a reply to my message!!
Lookingformyself2014
Soo around this time for the last few years, i think about how it was after halloween(we went to a halloween dance and afterwards sat around talking with some friends of his, one of which was bi and as they sat talking about different experiences, i realized it sounded like me- about a week later, something clicked and. I knew i wasn't straight) thought i was a lesbian, came out as a lesbian and confessed to my gay bestie about my crush on him that he already freaken knew about...a friend of his told him and i had a feeling he knew, but until i told him, i didn't find that part out. It was after this conversation that i spent a lot of time on the internet and realizing that every thing that had happened, made sense. 
I didn't realize until this point that thinking about someone before you go to sleep was the equivalent of a wet dream and that was what happened with my first girl crush...i don't know what it was, but i liked her when i first saw her.. I wanted her all to myself and hated when she wanted to have a friend of hers join us for lunch and to this day i never told her how i felt..i started to and tripped over myself so bad that she told me if i couldn't get it out, it was okay... I had thought about telling her, but it has been so long and i even stopped talking to her because i knew nothing was going to come of it and it has been years since we have really talked... 
I spent the night at her house and we shared her bed and even before i went to sleep, i thought about her...and how i would of loved to cuddle with her or something...that was rough...and the next time i was supposed to stay over, someone at her house was sick and it wasn't a good time..i was thrilled because i knew i was attracted to her and it was killing me being around her but not being able to say anything....
Lookingformyself2014
Am I the only one who is an overthinker? I can normally catch myself doing it and still I have it continue. I couldn't decide what I wanted to do today and then I went outside and tried to sneak past a neighbor who wanted to talk and she said hi to me and I said hi back and now I am overthinking this because I didn't stop and talk to her...tomorrow is our last day of spring break and then we are back Monday and I don't know If I am even remotely ready to go back. I have enjoyed being home and doing what I want and not getting stressed about what the other girls are going to be doing and if I should say something, and I am realizing that I need to change my mindset about this job and make more time for the things I want to do after I am home so I don't sit around and stress about what had occurred during the day...I have been walking to work just to keep in practice but today was freaking cold and I chose not to and now I'm regretting that...it has been nice to not focus about work and instead focus on what I want to do with my time and I need more of that and maybe that's why I'm getting bummed about tomorrow being our last day of break...
 
I keep thinking of old crushes and friends I have had and my mind starts to overthink that too...I didn't say anything to end it, I just stopped because it was toxic and to go back would be more stressful. I keep thinking that with my last crush maybe the reason I keep thinking of him is because he was sweet and I could of seen myself in a relationship with him, if it would of went there and if he would of put as much attention and effort in as I was...I had thought of writing him a letter, and not sending it just to get things out and I still haven't done it. It's kinda freaky to think of all the people I have let go of who I thought were friends or whatever only to realize they only came around when they needed something, I mean it's a little stressful because sometimes I think about them and if they ever think about me and it's obvious they don't and it makes me realize how much energy I put into them that needs to be back on myself.
 
Then I have been doing a lot of thinking and when I was in high school I was really close to my chorus teacher, considered her my second mother and had an obsessive crush on her son and she said I was one of her favorites and it's like for a few years after I graduated, I talked to her and sang with them, went to concerts and stuff like that. And then it was like something changed, she would keep in touch with the other kids who I was in class with, got mad because I emailed her something that she said was spam or something and now it's like if I comment on her Facebook I get a response like she has no clue who I am. And when I was in high school, I cleaned her room because I wanted to, gave her gifts, threw her a birthday party, and was basically the quiet loner girl and loved loved loved her and her class.. But then again, looking back, one thing that bothered me was that until I was in college and sang for her, she never told me I sounded good or anything, unless it was one time she told me I was doing a good job after it took me awhile to learn how to match pitch and blend in. Wow..didn't realize how much I was writing, but I'm becoming more aware that I am spending a lot of time living in the past and wasn't expecting to do that...
Lookingformyself2014
So we got the movie 50 shades of grey and I have been wanting to watch it- I know there is a lot of mixed reviews about it and I have been into bdsm and that kind of thing for awhile and I know that there is a safe way to go about it and a way not to and I would be tempted to speak up about the differences which could mean outing myself and that is one thing I wouldn't want to talk about with my mom- we don't talk about the fact that I am bi and we don't talk about my crushes etc, so I wouldn't want to bring up an interest in bdsm...anywho, my mom puts it on and I am listening from another room and all I can think about is playing with myself and how I would want a relationship where I want to be submissive, I just couldn't wrap my mind around sitting there with my mom and squirming in the chair because I am getting wet and turned on at the idea of being submissive, not so much the sexual aspects in the movie although it may change when I watch the movie myself.....
Lookingformyself2014
Soo a friend I had in 8th grade and in high school sent me a friend request on Facebook and I added her and she started messenging me like crazy and stopped after I responded. So I gave her a chance until a few days ago when she asked me if I drove so I could go and get something from someone and meet up with her and when I told her I didn't and I would be busy the next day, I got no other response or message from her. That bugs me and made me realize why I haven't added her and we are not playing that game. When we were in high school, Her boyfriends mom was my bus driver and when she found that out, she would ask me constantly to tell her stuff and to bugged the crap out of me. Pretty sad that after 13 years, some people don't change...
 
Then I family I used to housesit and babysit for every summer, all of a sudden out of the blue wanted me to dogsit over spring break- on one hand, it would be money, but on the other hand, it has been over 2 years since you have asked me to do anything and now all of a sudden, after we haven't talked to each other, you want me to dogsit for your mom during my break..ugh yeah...I am tired of dog and house sitting because I don't drive and she has like 4-5 dogs and 4 cats and my allergies were through the roof the last time I was over there and now they are both blocked and deleted.. Oh I should mention that I ignored her text and fb message and that's all there is.
 
I am realizing that the people I am leaving behind need To go... I am done with the ones who don't bother with you unless they need something...
Lookingformyself2014
So it has been awhile and I am making some changes...one thing I am changing is leaving the people behind who clearly see me as an option while I tend to make them a priority. I understand people get busy and have other things to do and yet if they want to make time for you, they would. One of the things that bugs me a little is that one of them is someone I came out to and for Awhile I was the only one texting and she would respond but usually only if I texted first and sometimes I wouldn't hear from her.... The last time I texted her, I mentioned that I hadn't been texting her cause I hadn't heard from her and I think now she is ignoring my texts and frankly I'm not too bummed. It was starting to feel like way too much effort on my end and not even as much from her...and so I felt it was time to move on...I am realizing that I need to worry about myself and not the ones who don't worry about me...the other one is a teacher I used to volunteer with and we were pretty close or so I thought- but maybe the thing was that I was over there volunteering with her and helping her kids almost constantly and even when I didn't want to....when I transferred, I stayed in touch as she is one of my references...but I noticed that it was extremely one sided and when I went awhile without texting her, she did the same. At an interview I had, one of the interviewers knew her and I texted her because I had missed talking to her and that just felt weird, even though she did reply to my text and then when I texted her to let her know I didn't get the job and she starts talking about how I need to find my dream job and it's like she didn't remember anything from when we were hanging around in her room and I was helping do stuff for her class and soon she came to expect me to come over there and so let's see...after she started telling me to find my dream job, it occurred to me that we weren't on the same wavelength and it's like I feel as though it's out of sight out of mind and I was feeling more stressed out after texting her and so I am going back to not texting her because all it felt like I was doing was defending myself and when I was getting ready to leave for my other school, she was all dramatic and saying how much she was going to miss me and yet with a lack of texting you wouldn't know it.
 
In the back of my mind I have realized that I am better off and less stressful focusing on myself and letting go of the ones who did the same with me and I do understand that people are busy and things do change, but if you are the only one who is doing the texting and making the effort as I was, it needs to change....
Lookingformyself2014
So as the title says, these are some thoughts that have been floating around in my head and I can't stop thinking about this... So here goes...
 
1. The fact that I'm not out keeps popping up in my head. I keep thinking about how I eventually want a relationship and it would be easier to be out and dating, but I know I'm not ready to..there are times that I feel like I'm in my own world and yet on one level that is where I need to be because I'm working on accepting myself and I realized today that when I was out with my mom and sister in law that I was checking out the girl who brought our drinks and at one point I thought she was checking me back out too:)... Anywho, it sometimes feels like I'm not being myself because I'm not out, but right now I don't need the stress of telling my brother and sister in law,,,I'm still working on things such as letting people do there own thing and if there not accepting, letting it be there issue and not mine.. I know that I am bi and clearly feel myself getting more comfortable checking out girls and so it's a step in the right direction..but I'm not sure I want to share this stuff with them... I also am thinking that I need to meet other bi people online and get a sense of friends and have people to talk to about this stuff and that is what I used to love about a former best friend of mine and there are times that I feel so shy about all this and my former friend and I could talk about all sorts of stuff and we were really close and I miss that. I try to do some things we used to do and keep thinking I could do more... It's like how do you meet other people- when you are mostly limited to online and so it goes...maybe I need to blog more about thoughts like this when they come in my head...
Lookingformyself2014
Well, its been needing to be done and friday was it. One of my co workers would spend more time worrying about what another coworker was or wasn't doing and tried to get me to go along with her and i did for a little bit even though it was driving me crazy and so when she told me todo something and i didnt, i knew it was the tip of the iceberg...after she tried to tell me what was going on and i told her i can only worry about myself and not everyone else and then she said she was only looking out for me and i knew that wasn't true so, i just said okay and she stormed off and i felt soo much better after and she wouldn't even talk to me for the rest of the day... I was in a great mood after and i am a little anxious about tomorrow, but not a lot. I felt really good after i said what i had to say and it made it an awesome friday!!
Lookingformyself2014
Okay, so my sister was here for a few days and for the most part, it was very awkward. I was surrounded by annoying people, and I felt weird about her whole visit because it had been awhile. i hadn't seen her for awhile 3 years- and she doesn't call us very much and even when she does, we don't tell her half of what's going on and she doesn't tell us much. So for 2 days we had my sister in laws annoying friend over who is very negative and critical and everyone loves her. She is very nosy and it's like the whole world revolves around her. I had to sit next to her and wanted to scream... Anyway, next day we go to Walmart with my sister, me and my mom and they were looking at baby clothes while I just hung back. The only one who was listening to me was my mom. So I spent most of the time over there on my phone and texted my friends and that helped me to stay sane.
 
So fast forward to the next day and I get emotional before she leaves and my mom takes her back and I go home...well my mom comes home and tells me how my sister is "concerned" that I don't have a better job, things are tight for us and that I'm not doing anything with my life. But she didn't want to tell me while she was here, so she tells my mom and so my mom tells me. My mom and I then get into it and she doesn't want to hear how I'm frustrated because I feel like I'm being attacked, yet my mom seems to think its wrong that I have an opinion. The next day I told my mom how frustrated I was and here we go again. My mom tells me that she can't tell me anything and that my sister doesn't realize how much I have been working to get a full time job and that she has a different life than we do.
 
After texting a friend of mine who had been there for me all week, during her visit, I realized that I need to keep doing my own thing and not worry about what my sister says. I also need to keep myself in the positive land of my brain and not get sucked into my moms negativity. My mom tends to dwell on the negative and there have been times I have joined in and then I realized that I need to avoid that and do my own thing.
 
On a postive note, during my sisters visit, I came out to one of my close friends😎 And she was very accepting. She has been very encouraging and says she likes me for who I am and not what I am- meaning being bi. I honestly did not know how she was going to take it, but it went a lot better. I also have realized that I need to get to know other lgbt people online and get comfortable in my skin. I have started wearing my rainbow color necklace and the day I did, there was conversation about gay people and I just sat back because I was tempted to just say I was bi, but it didn't feel right and so I didn't.
 
 
 
Lookingformyself2014
Wow..there has been a lot in my head and I need to clear it out..
 
1. Friends- these are my offline friends who I used to work with. It's become clear to me that for all I text them or Facebook message them I don't get that much effort back. After I left my other job they were the ones I wanted to stay in touch and maybe they just got busy, but I don't hear back hardly at all and they were the ones I wanted to come out to and I'm starting to see that as a sign that maybe this isn't the right group to share that with, not that I'm ready but yeah.
 
2. Thoughts on my sexuality- after reading all the posts on my latest topic and reading the links that came with the last posting I made, I am feeling better and yet at the same time almost feel like I am leading two lives. I am keeping this to myself and as far as I know my mom has no idea and I am clearly not ready or totally wanting to tell her and mainly at home I play on my iPad and read different stuff and share more online than I do offline and I know that the more I work on myself and read about it, the better I'll feel. It can just be odd because I come home and it's the first thing on my mind and it's like all I want to do is read about and get to know other people who share the same feelings and so yeah, it's like I am soo different from my family because I try to stay positive and I'm not into guys like my mom is and there are a lot of times I have to correct different things she says like calling someone's husband a partner and not really caring what term she uses. I am the opposite where I have respect for stuff like that and so it goes.
 
3. Doing the right thing- I have to say that I am glad I said something about things moving too fast. I saw things leading up to this and am glad that I said something. Some of the things that caught my attention were how soon she wanted to get to know me, how she expected me to stop what I was doing to text her and how soon she was ready to send me her picture and the more I think about it, the more I am glad I did it, it just wasn't the right time and it probably won't be until I figure out some things for myself..
 
4. Even as I am writing this, my mom has been driving me nuts. We are both tired which doesn't help and yet it's like I can't say anything to her because she thinks she is right and normally doesn't want to hear it and gets frustrated sometimes when I try to tell her something or how I'm feeling. Which is why I don't tell her about my sexuality because I shouldn't have to defend myself to her or prove why this is the way it is.
The last time I said anything to her about my sexuality, she blamed my best friend at the time and made it clear she wants no part of it at all. She said it was my business and that if I told the rest of my family it was on me and I was basically on my own. Hell. We can't even watch a show with gay people on it with out it being very awkward. Still after many years, there is an awkward silence that appears.
Lookingformyself2014
Am I the only one who, even though I have accepted I am bi, doesn't want to tell everyone? Not even her family? I live with my mom and it was hell when I told her I was a lesbian and she said she didn't want to hear about it and that it was my business. That was about 5 or 6 years ago and we haven't discussed it since, I haven't come out to anyone else in my family and to this day nobody mentions me dating or liking anyone. So it's like they all know, but we don't talk about it. There are times i want to tell everyone and then there are times I don't. I have a few close people I talk to but no one that knows this side of me, and I don't know if I really want to share that. I just keep thinking of talking to my girl crush and it seems like there is never a good time. If I see her with people, it's usually those I don't like, or I am busy and on my way to do something. It would be easier to be out if I could drive and go places, but right now I can't. And it's like I have thought of telling my mom again, but after the last time, I don't want to. The last time she blamed my best friend and things royally sucked. Plus with the money trouble we are having right now and the fact that we are moving soon and things are really stressful right now, I don't want to complicate things for me or her and I don't honestly see things changing.
Lookingformyself2014
Who else checked out the girls they were friends with? Who else wanted them all to themselves when you were hanging out and missed them when they weren't there? At the time, i didn't realize this, but over time of thinking about this stuff, its becoming clear. One of them, Ashley, I started thinking i was crushing on her one day she wasn't there and i was missing her horribly...another one, kelso, was the one who i had serious feelings for, i realized that i would of loved a chance to explore having her as a girlfriend and i hated when we were with her friends mostly because i had to share her and i think on some level, i didn't want them to pick up on my feelings for her and to this day i wonder if she knew and i also have thought about telling her but we haven't talked in a few years and frankly im not sure its worth the effort..not to mention that she comes from an extremely religious family and while she was accepting of me, I know from a conversation we had years ago, that if her parents would freak about her dating a girl, they would probably have a cow if we were dating...i had thought of seeing what would happen if i did start talking to her again and brought this up since i stopped talking to her when i realized i had strong feelings for her and she has a chronic illness and i wouldn't want to do anything to make things worse or cause any crap... 
 
Lookingformyself2014
Well i guess it should of been obvious when i was in high school and had an extemely obvious crush on my chorus teachers son...he would walk in the room and my face would light up and by my senior year, the class would turn around and look at me and that would also be the case if his mom talked about him...i would talk about him to my friends all the time and even went to visit another class the day he came to visit cause my cousin was in there and told me she was going to tell him...i never did find out what happened after that, though...
Then, the crush after him on my gay best friend was when i was told how obvious i was and he already knew...when he was around, before i knew he was gay, we would mirror each others movements and i would catch him staring at me cause i was staring at him and other people thought we were a couple and i guess on one level we were.
my first real crush was the one who became super clingy and wanted attention. When i was crushing on him, i would get really nervous when he was around and try not to be caught staring and i got all flustered and then started telling people and im just realizing that its no wonder why i am so obvious...
1.i start smiling a lot
2. I talk about the person constantly
3. I make sure i look good when they are around 
4. I don't talk directly to them...cause i only get more flustered...
5.this was kinda hard to analyze this and write it out
Lookingformyself2014
Well its been a little while and im half asleep and ready for bed cause i have to work in the morning and yet i want to blog before i fall asleep...
Lately I have done a few things i normally wouldn't do before and while they may not seem huge, its noticeable to me- 
1. Smiling at a girl cashier in the store and having her smile back at me...this happened this morning and im still thinking about it
2. Telling my mom about the girl i was crushing on and how she was married and to a woman and how they have kids...mu mom didn't really respond, but it was huge to me...i left out the part of how i thought she liked me...but knowing myself and how obvious i have been in the past....
3.realizing that i may be small crushing on the teacher i work with when after i overheard that she was divorced, and someone mentioned her looking for someone, i let my mind wonder to if i would have a chance with her...i try not to think too much about it because we do work together and i need to be on my game while in her class..
I have to wonder if im becoming more comfortable with being myself and also maybe accepting myself as well...
On another side, i think that just talking about girls and checking them out, its making it obvious and it may be a subtle outing...
.
Lookingformyself2014
.so lately I have been doing a lot of thinking and one thing I am realizing is that in order to be myself and embrace all of me, I need to be accepting of my sexuality and not expect others to accept it...this is all because i have started reading the warrior goddess training book and applying it like someone would a bible study. It's because of this that i need to explore my bi side and let it develop into what it will...for me that means posting here more, liking things i like and starting a bisexual album on instagram. 
On another note, the other night my mom and i were talking about a game we play and she was telling me about an lgbt group the game has and that had not happened and may seen small, but i think we are moving in the right direction...its like i start working on accepting myself more and other little things pop up ..
 
More later
 
 
 
 
Lookingformyself2014
Soo its been awhile and there has been a lot going on in my head.. One thing i keep doing is thinking of my old crushes..i have no desire to talk to them, but i keep thinking of what they meant to me and one thing that popped in my mind is that if my last former friend wanted to get in touch with me he could of texted me or called me over the last few years... And so thats one reason i don't text him or add him on facebook because he could of made an effort if it would of mattered to him...he did say before he left that he wouldn't miss me that much and even though it was years ago, it definitely was true...
 
Then awhile back there was a girl i work with who would bring me home and i thought she was crushing on me and then i realized she was married.. Well imagine my surprise ehen she added me on facebook and i found out shes married to a woman😄... Is it weird that after that i couldn't stop thinking of her and think i even dreamed about her? I'm realizing that i find myself checking out girls and that the more i do it, the more comfortable i feel about it..i also realized that i had been checking out
The girls i work with thinking i was crushing and only to realize i don't like the 2 of them...long story....okay, short story- they are both lazy and like to slack off constantly and do what they want, not there job....
 
Soo on another note, ive been letting go of people who i only hear from when they need something or if there view of what i want doesn't match up with what's actually going on and it stresses me out to have to explain myself...and honestly, i am glad for doing it...it is one thing less that I need to think about...i am to the point where if people don't bother with me, im letting it go and putting the energy on me...i am happier not chasing people and that should be a huge sign that it needed to be done... I have needed to blog for awhile and haven't but here it is..right now i am wanting to get to know people and myself and eventually down the road meet a girl...i believe that i want a relationship with a girl and lately Thats where my thoughts have been...that is, after i get to know them and we have a connection...we would have to start off as friends and go from there...i would love to meet someone i click with and can do things with...and i know it would help to be able to get out and meet people, but right now I'm limited to the internet....
 
 
Until later...cause its almost sleepy time😴
Lookingformyself2014
Demisexual is a term used for people who experience sexual attraction and can enjoy intimacy, but don’t actively seek it out and often require a deep personal connection before being intimate. Demisexual people often have lower sex drives, but are not completely asexual. Demiromantic people experience romantic attraction, but are not drawn to romance and do not actively seek it out..
 
After reading this online, it suddenly all makes sense... After reading this, it's like something clicked in my head, and it would explain all the relationships I have had. Let's see, where to start-
 
Relationship A: he was my gay best friend who after awhile of us hanging out and getting close, I started to realize I had a crush on him. We were so close at one point that all he had to do was look at me and he knew what I was tihnking, he was the first person I came out to and he was the only one who said he was proud of me after coming out to my mom...when we were hanging out together it was like we had our own little world and I always liked hanging out with him one on one because I didn't care for a lot of his friends and they weren't always so decent to me... Now looking back, it may of been me and my anxiety...but at the time I wasn't aware of it. But he was.... He played the cello and I loved how goofy he was and how he could make me laugh and then after awhile of us hanging out and stuff, I started to fantasize about him coming behind me and us making out in the hallway and this was while he was sitting across from me...
 
 
Relationship B- Mr.Clingy: this was the most recent one and this one takes the cake. He drove me crazy at first and then I started thinking he was cute. Our boss at the time tried to play match maker for us and at first I resisted doing anything because I didn't feel right about it and yet I kept thinking about him and we used to do computer lab for the kids and the kids picked up on it really quick that there was something going on between us and so after working with him and being around him, I started to like little quirks of his personality and then one day I realized I was crushing on him and I loved talking to him and we started to do a story by text and we would do these all the time and my feelings for him were growing more and more and now I realize that it was his personality coming through in the story and that was who my feelings were for...not really him cause we don't really know each other.
 
So now all of this is starting to make sense and now to post this, and learn more about myself and keep on exploring and see where this takes me....
 
 
Lookingformyself2014
I have been meaning to do this for awhile and so here it is...there have been a lot of things going through my mind and one of my main things is that I need to focus on me and not my job that I don't want but need for the money....I spend a lot of time at home thinking about work and that needs to stop....
 
Anyway. On to my mind-
 
1. This week is around the 7 year anniversary of when I realized I wasn't straight. I thought I was a lesbian with a crush on my gay best friend and we went to a fall dance together and it was after hanging out with his friends that I realized I wasn't straight...it led to an awkward week because I had that floating around in my head and even though he was my closest friend at the time, it was a struggle because I knew that if I brought it up to him, it would reveal my feelings I had for him... Well, fast forward a week and we had everything out on the table and were closer than ever, one of his friends told him I liked him and so he already knew... He was also the only one who said he was proud of me after I came out to my mom and so this time of year I start thinking about him and how our friendship started my self discovery....
 
2. I need to create a work life balance and leave work at work. Right now I want a better job and have to find the motivation everyday to go. I have been applying for jobs and getting really good at the interview process and I am trying to focus on what I want instead of focusing on a job that I don't really like. Right now there is a lot of drama and people getting caught up in what another coworker is doing and I hate the fact that I am there mostly because I am there for the money and try to stay focused on my next job that I want.
 
3. It has been nice not thinking about my former crush- the one I have been blogging and posting about, I admit, I do think of him and now I am hoping that it continues not hearing from him. I feel it's good that I don't dream about him and don't even want to hear from him...I do check periodically to see if he has called only because I have had a few unknown calls and no voicemail. So who knows? About the only way he could get in touch with me is my work email and all I would have to do is delete that..soo..I am just glad that he is at another school that Is out of my area and that I won't be applying for...so that's one awkward situation off the list...
 
4. I'm also to the point where I focus on myself more and not so much others, although there are times that I get anxious around other people at work. Ever since I stood up for myself, the drama queen hasn't told me what to do like she was before. I stay to myself and do my job and leave after. I am also to the point where I don't mind keeping things to myself and having my own interests and not minding being different from people around me...well, that's kinda sorta...sometimes are better than others.
 
5. I am realizing that I keep thinking about women and have found myself checking out girls. I also have had the need to be more social at reach out online and start connecting with people at least online. I am limited to online as I get to know myself and would love to make like minded friends to chat with. I tried to keep things to myself before and it just didn't work. I figure the more I connect with others, it will help me to accept myself.
Lookingformyself2014
Well, it's been awhile and I have a lot going through my head...i have been reading warrior goddess training and everything in that book is dead on for me,,and the need to be myself is growing..I have started wearing makeup and realizing that even if most of my family is the redneck type and voting for trump, I don't have to be. I also am realizing even more that the close friend I had, I barely hear from and I'm on the quest to really be my own best friend and I'm taking baby steps to do that. I understand people get busy and she has other friends, but it's like she only sees me as an acquaintance and when I do text her she makes a point of telling me how busy she is and how little free time she has and yet she has time to go out with friends...
 
Anywho, it has been about 2 months since I have checked my texts from him and now there are days that I don't even think about him and now I'm thinking more about what I want and less about what he is doing or not doing.
 
I am also taking baby steps in accepting myself and being myself. I have been wearing my rainbow pride necklace more and there are times that I am thinking of just coming out with it about being bi, but then I get to thinking is it really necessary to make me happy? I mean, do I need to share it with everyone and have it spread around by my sister in law who I don't feel needs to know... I mean why should my happiness be based on the acceptance of other people? Wouldn't it be better for my and only mine acceptance to matter in the long run? There have been so many times that when my mom gets upset about money and stuff that I let it affect me and I so don't need to do that with this... I'm realizing that I need to do my own thing and keep it about me and not broadcast it for all the criticism it would get. I need to put my attention on what I want and work on and believe what I want to believe and be there for myself...
Lookingformyself2014
Okay, so here goes...
 
I am realizing that I have more acquaintances than friends. In my old job the "friends" I thought I have are just acquaintances. It was different when we worked together because I saw them everyday and often vented to them and they were there for me. It's different now that I am at a new school and I text them and Facebook message them and that has even slowed down lately. It's like if I don't text them first to tel other something or see how they are doing, I don't hear from them. I have been doing a lot of thinking about this and it's occurring to me that I need to do what there doing and not reach out as much. Why am I putting the effort out there of they aren't? I should let them chase me and if they don't well,... It just drives me crazy because for awhile we were talking a lot and I know people get busy but they could make time to connect and reply back to me. I am getting tired of having acquaintances who don't mind not hearing from me and basically can only reach out to me when they want to or have time. The other acquaintance I had, my needy friend who I wrote about on here, was just that. An acuqaintance. We would go with out texting each other for awhile and then he'd get concerned when he didn't hear me and yet he wasn't texting me either...it is getting really really old only having people who I barely hear from unless they have the time and then basically being blown off the rest of the time...
 
I see the writing on the wall and it's clear that I need to put that energy on me, and take it off of those who won't put that effort there, I am cutting way back in my texting these people unless they text me. I would send them a text and explain how I'm feeling, but really, if they can't read a normal text whose to say it would change. It's just I didn't see this coming. Now that I have a new job at another school- at first it was almost constantly I'd hear from people and it almost feels like now that I'm gone, it's outta sight out of mind, the last time I saw anyone from my old school was February right before I left and that's mainly because I haven't had the money to do anything and no one has mentioned anything along those lines either....
Lookingformyself2014
So I'm back and after I have been thinking about coming out, I have decided to wait at least for now. I plan on coming out at some point, most likely when I'm in a relationship with someone...
 
Anywho, one thing I am realizing is that I need to be myself and do what I want without worrying about what other people think. Mostly I need to stop worrying about what my mom thinks and would do and focus on what I want and like. She complains a lot about things and money is tight right now so she thinks it's funny to say we're poor and I try to get her to say something else and she just doesn't want to hear it.
 
Plus, I need to keep the focus on what I want for myself- I want to learn more about myself as a submissive, learn how to drive and maybe get back into singing...it was a huge part of my life and I feel lost without it. Yet no one around me seems to notice except for me. It's never mentioned by my mom or anyone else, yet I feel it's missing. I have started or had started taking baby steps like singing along to my iPod and learning music and I think the thing I'm missing is that I don't make it a priority to do it.
 
I used to be the ultimate chorus geek and always wanted to practice and I loved it until I was in college choir and we had a real sucky director who I had a few issues with and its been pretty much since then I haven't really gone back to my chorus geek side. My mom would tell me to just do it, but that would be easy for her to say....I try to explain stuff to her and it just doesn't help.
 
I'm feeling like I'm married to my iPod and iPad..
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