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Lookingformyself2014

Well, it's been awhile and I have a lot going through my head...i have been reading warrior goddess training and everything in that book is dead on for me,,and the need to be myself is growing..I have started wearing makeup and realizing that even if most of my family is the redneck type and voting for trump, I don't have to be. I also am realizing even more that the close friend I had, I barely hear from and I'm on the quest to really be my own best friend and I'm taking baby steps to do that. I understand people get busy and she has other friends, but it's like she only sees me as an acquaintance and when I do text her she makes a point of telling me how busy she is and how little free time she has and yet she has time to go out with friends...

 

Anywho, it has been about 2 months since I have checked my texts from him and now there are days that I don't even think about him and now I'm thinking more about what I want and less about what he is doing or not doing.

 

I am also taking baby steps in accepting myself and being myself. I have been wearing my rainbow pride necklace more and there are times that I am thinking of just coming out with it about being bi, but then I get to thinking is it really necessary to make me happy? I mean, do I need to share it with everyone and have it spread around by my sister in law who I don't feel needs to know... I mean why should my happiness be based on the acceptance of other people? Wouldn't it be better for my and only mine acceptance to matter in the long run? There have been so many times that when my mom gets upset about money and stuff that I let it affect me and I so don't need to do that with this... I'm realizing that I need to do my own thing and keep it about me and not broadcast it for all the criticism it would get. I need to put my attention on what I want and work on and believe what I want to believe and be there for myself...

Lookingformyself2014

Well, I first came out as a lesbian..although I had feelings for my close friend....

 

Anyway, we started hanging out and he was gay- I didn't realize it at the time and I found out for sure the day that his friends were playing matchmaker for him..so I was in shock needless to say and then I started thinking about myself and realized that I was a lesbian...who had feelings for her guy friend who was gay...

😊🤔😎👽

 

So I messaged him on Facebook after a week of stressing and basically avoiding him because I didn't know how our talk would go and I told him I realized something about myself that we needed to talk about.. And so we settled for that Friday And I was a nervous wreck- I was hyperventilating and couldnt pay attention in class and I was glad when he offered to bring me home... So we get to his car and I am freaken out...and I try to explain what I wanted to say and I was a mess...

 

That was until he told me calm down sweetheart, you're with me remember? And it worked, it snapped me back to normal and he starts talking and basically told me what I was thinking- that I was questioning myself- and then we are on the way home 🍰and he starts asking me who I liked to make me think this and the answer was him and he already knew and nothing would come of it and then we start talking and He gave me some advice about how coming out isn't a one time thing and how I shouldn't come out to everyone right away and we also talked about how we both felt the awkwardness because we weren't talking and then things for us went back to normal. He could calm me down quicker than anything and nothing shocked him...

 

We aren't talking anymore because after drifting apart and a lack of communication, I blocked him on Facebook and we tried the friend thing again and it just repeated itself, I still think of him because he was the first person I came out to and was an amazing friend who could calm me down quicker than anything and now we are in our own little worlds and it's been a few years since we have talked, I am to the point where I can go on his Facebook and then move on ...

Lookingformyself2014

There was this girl who was my first girl crush...her name is Kelsey. We first met on a college tour and we clicked right away. I remember when I saw her that there was just something about her and I just couldn't stop thinking about her, we would hang out between college classes and I would hate when her other friends would join us because one of them was really annoying and I didn't feel comfortable around them.

I felt like they were cutting in on my time with her.

 

We were in choir together in college and would always sit next to each other and we were pretty inseparable. Sometime after we met, I realized I liked girls and I almost came out to her. I chickened out when she was sitting in front of me and I just couldn't do it. So then after a choir concert, she slept over my house and we had a blast. I believe it was that night that I was thinking about what it would be like to sleep on the floor with her, cause I know I went to sleep dreaming about her and that was certainly the thought process in my head when I slept over at her house. And We shared her bed....nothing happened though I know I definitely thought about her before I fell asleep:) it was a little awkward because I don't know how obvious I was or if she knew and just didn't say anything...

 

During that time, we fought a little and I would get mad when I didn't hear from her and when she said she would do something and then get sick or have something come up at the last minute. Plus her family had drama going on either with her dad and brother getting arrested and she was basically the built in babysitter for the kids and I just didn't like it over at her house. I went to Colorado for spring break and almost every night before I went to bed I would think of her and basically have wet dreams about her..

 

We would sometimes play around like we were dating and then we talked about how her parents wouldn't accept it if she was gay and if we were girlfriends or something like that. It was during this time that I knew I wasn't straight, but wasn't exactly sure.

 

This was a few years ago and I had thought about telling her, but the last I heard she was getting married and plus she has a super close family and I didn't really want all of them to know. Not only that. But when I heard she was getting married, I got jealous and more or less backed off. Plus we weren't really talking at the time and to this day even looking at her Facebook picture is hard because like my other crush it brings back all sorts of feelings and I just think it would be all sorts of awkward to open up that can of worms now...

 

I don't know why I felt like sharing, maybe because it was my first girl crush and basically what made me realize I wasn't straight....

 

That's all there is, there isn't anymore

 

Lookingformyself2014

So I have realized I need to express myself a little bit more and so let's see...

 

1.i want to read More spiritual stuff and get back into daily affirmations and work on being more positive and not get sucked into the negativity of people around me and also not worry about other people.

 

2. I want to work on blogging more and not feel so shy about being bi, one thing I want to do is if not everyday, once a week, wear my rainbow pride necklace or my bi pride one, I haven't decided yet on this one but I usually have beads around my neck a few days at work. I just don't know if want to make a big thing out of it which is how it's going to feel when I do.

 

3. I want to start wearing makeup again because I do feel more put together when I do and I think that would help me at work..I like the idea of having my nails done and knowing that I do look good.

 

4. I need to work more on being my own best friend and not focusing on people who don't put in the same effort as me, this is a former friend who I ran into and for awhile we were connecting and then slowly it went from her being busy to not texting me and it bugs me because I have her on Facebook and she seemed all hung ho to chat and stuff at first and I feel like got sucked back in...I have asked her what's up and tried to reach out to her and she can't even reply to a Facebook message,

 

5. As for coming out or anything, I am thinking that my method is slow and steady. I am not ready to have everyone around me know, and I'm not ready for the questions that would come from my sister in law and her friends and I need to be comfortable in my own skin before I even mention it to any one and it would probably be easier when I can drive and go places on my own...I need to reach out and get to know other lgbt people and if I can't get out of the house to do so, I have online.

 

6. I basically know what I want...or so I think, I just don't see the point in coming out when I'm not fully comfortable with myself and still concerned with what other people think or what would they would say. I have to remember that I can be who I want to be and do my own thing,,, I used to do this in high school and it worked for the most part, because I was bouncing off of my high school chorus teacher who I considered my best friend and my second mother because we were that close. I still feel like I need to know myself a little more before I take that step to meet someone and then who knows what could come off of being online?

 

7. Things would probably be better and I would be able to do more and get out more if I drove and I'm working on getting my permit and will be one step closer,

 

8. I'm to the point where I don't want to post lgbt stuff to Facebook because I don't want questions from everyone and again that has to do more with me than them...I keep a lot to myself because there is a lot my mom doesn't want to hear and I wouldn't feel comfortable telling her about female crushes and or guy crushes. It's just something that I want to keep to myself and see where it leads.

.

Lookingformyself2014

So I have realized I need to express myself a little bit more and so let's see...

 

1.i want to read More spiritual stuff and get back into daily affirmations and work on being more positive and not get sucked into the negativity of people around me and also not worry about other people.

 

2. I want to work on blogging more and not feel so shy about being bi, one thing I want to do is if not everyday, once a week, wear my rainbow pride necklace or my bi pride one, I haven't decided yet on this one but I usually have beads around my neck a few days at work. I just don't know if want to make a big thing out of it which is how it's going to feel when I do.

 

3. I want to start wearing makeup again because I do feel more put together when I do and I think that would help me at work..I like the idea of having my nails done and knowing that I do look good.

 

4. I need to work more on being my own best friend and not focusing on people who don't put in the same effort as me, this is a former friend who I ran into and for awhile we were connecting and then slowly it went from her being busy to not texting me and it bugs me because I have her on Facebook and she seemed all hung ho to chat and stuff at first and I feel like got sucked back in...I have asked her what's up and tried to reach out to her and she can't even reply to a Facebook message,

 

5. As for coming out or anything, I am thinking that my method is slow and steady. I am not ready to have everyone around me know, and I'm not ready for the questions that would come from my sister in law and her friends and I need to be comfortable in my own skin before I even mention it to any one and it would probably be easier when I can drive and go places on my own...I need to reach out and get to know other lgbt people and if I can't get out of the house to do so, I have online.

 

6. I basically know what I want...or so I think, I just don't see the point in coming out when I'm not fully comfortable with myself and still concerned with what other people think or what would they would say. I have to remember that I can be who I want to be and do my own thing,,, I used to do this in high school and it worked for the most part, because I was bouncing off of my high school chorus teacher who I considered my best friend and my second mother because we were that close. I still feel like I need to know myself a little more before I take that step to meet someone and then who knows what could come off of being online?

 

7. Things would probably be better and I would be able to do more and get out more if I drove and I'm working on getting my permit and will be one step closer,

 

8. I'm to the point where I don't want to post lgbt stuff to Facebook because I don't want questions from everyone and again that has to do more with me than them...I keep a lot to myself because there is a lot my mom doesn't want to hear and I wouldn't feel comfortable telling her about female crushes and or guy crushes. It's just something that I want to keep to myself and see where it leads.

.

Lookingformyself2014

So here is what is going through my head...

 

1. Feelings after texting him- well I replied to his texts this morning and I did feel better after doing it, because I have thought about it for awhile now and just had to since he sent me a link to something he thought I would like. So now I feel like I'm playing the waiting game to hear from him.... I keep telling myself to stay busy and not sit and wait like I more or less used to. I didn't ask him why I hadn't heard from him because I'm waiting to see if I get a response to the text I sent him. My feelings toward him have changed because I don't have a crush on him like I used to... I do think of him from time to time and almost would like to talk to him, but it's hard because Before we didn't talk too much about anything beyond work and when I got personal, even mentioning us working together before, it got awkward really quick. I mentioned at one point about how I missed working with him because we had worked together in computer lab for awhile and I thought we had gotten close. And then when we were working on our story, it was going good until I got personal and mentioned the feelings my character had for his character and he read between the lines and he just doesn't want to go there. I stopped texting him because when he switched jobs and I was volunteering with the teacher he worked with, he would tell me to tell her he said hi and she told me that he only did it when he basically wanted attention. Then he started texting me when he didn't hear from me and he called me all concerned but I wasn't hearing from him either and once again, it's like he is fine with it when I reply and then I don't hear from him for awhile... I did at one point, when we were texting for awhile almost constantly, ask him to check up on me when he didn't hear from me and that could explain this other stuff. I guess I won't know unless I talk to him and I don't see that going anywhere of I did bring it up,...

Lookingformyself2014

Okay, so my sister was here for a few days and for the most part, it was very awkward. I was surrounded by annoying people, and I felt weird about her whole visit because it had been awhile. i hadn't seen her for awhile 3 years- and she doesn't call us very much and even when she does, we don't tell her half of what's going on and she doesn't tell us much. So for 2 days we had my sister in laws annoying friend over who is very negative and critical and everyone loves her. She is very nosy and it's like the whole world revolves around her. I had to sit next to her and wanted to scream... Anyway, next day we go to Walmart with my sister, me and my mom and they were looking at baby clothes while I just hung back. The only one who was listening to me was my mom. So I spent most of the time over there on my phone and texted my friends and that helped me to stay sane.

 

So fast forward to the next day and I get emotional before she leaves and my mom takes her back and I go home...well my mom comes home and tells me how my sister is "concerned" that I don't have a better job, things are tight for us and that I'm not doing anything with my life. But she didn't want to tell me while she was here, so she tells my mom and so my mom tells me. My mom and I then get into it and she doesn't want to hear how I'm frustrated because I feel like I'm being attacked, yet my mom seems to think its wrong that I have an opinion. The next day I told my mom how frustrated I was and here we go again. My mom tells me that she can't tell me anything and that my sister doesn't realize how much I have been working to get a full time job and that she has a different life than we do.

 

After texting a friend of mine who had been there for me all week, during her visit, I realized that I need to keep doing my own thing and not worry about what my sister says. I also need to keep myself in the positive land of my brain and not get sucked into my moms negativity. My mom tends to dwell on the negative and there have been times I have joined in and then I realized that I need to avoid that and do my own thing.

 

On a postive note, during my sisters visit, I came out to one of my close friends😎 And she was very accepting. She has been very encouraging and says she likes me for who I am and not what I am- meaning being bi. I honestly did not know how she was going to take it, but it went a lot better. I also have realized that I need to get to know other lgbt people online and get comfortable in my skin. I have started wearing my rainbow color necklace and the day I did, there was conversation about gay people and I just sat back because I was tempted to just say I was bi, but it didn't feel right and so I didn't.

 

 

 

Lookingformyself2014

I'm just sitting here thinking that maybe its a good thing to keep some things to myself. I mean my mom and I are two different people and even If I tell her about something that has nothing to do with my sexuality, there are times she'll tell me she doesn't care and it doesn't interest her. And so I started to think that maybe just maybe I need to work on being okay with keeping things to myself and accepting that as part of me. I learned before when I had my best friend who she couldn't stand that she didn't want to hear about it because she didn't like him. He could come over and pick me up etc but she couldn't stand him and after awhile I just got used to it and knew the reaction I would get if I mentioned his name. I am starting to think that it's one thing I'm going to have to work on and do my own thing. We don't have to think the same but I need to focus on what I want and who I am without caring about other people's opinions.... It was something that came easy when I was in 11th grade because I took my example from my h.s. chorus teacher who I considered my second mother and my mom wasn't too crazy about her either... Which I didn't find out for many years after....anyway... I think I'm on to something... I mean it just dawned on me this morning and yet all this falls in to me being my own best friend...

 

And now, time to leave for work:)

Lookingformyself2014

Okay, so here goes...

 

I am realizing that I have more acquaintances than friends. In my old job the "friends" I thought I have are just acquaintances. It was different when we worked together because I saw them everyday and often vented to them and they were there for me. It's different now that I am at a new school and I text them and Facebook message them and that has even slowed down lately. It's like if I don't text them first to tel other something or see how they are doing, I don't hear from them. I have been doing a lot of thinking about this and it's occurring to me that I need to do what there doing and not reach out as much. Why am I putting the effort out there of they aren't? I should let them chase me and if they don't well,... It just drives me crazy because for awhile we were talking a lot and I know people get busy but they could make time to connect and reply back to me. I am getting tired of having acquaintances who don't mind not hearing from me and basically can only reach out to me when they want to or have time. The other acquaintance I had, my needy friend who I wrote about on here, was just that. An acuqaintance. We would go with out texting each other for awhile and then he'd get concerned when he didn't hear me and yet he wasn't texting me either...it is getting really really old only having people who I barely hear from unless they have the time and then basically being blown off the rest of the time...

 

I see the writing on the wall and it's clear that I need to put that energy on me, and take it off of those who won't put that effort there, I am cutting way back in my texting these people unless they text me. I would send them a text and explain how I'm feeling, but really, if they can't read a normal text whose to say it would change. It's just I didn't see this coming. Now that I have a new job at another school- at first it was almost constantly I'd hear from people and it almost feels like now that I'm gone, it's outta sight out of mind, the last time I saw anyone from my old school was February right before I left and that's mainly because I haven't had the money to do anything and no one has mentioned anything along those lines either....

Lookingformyself2014

1. I'm realizing that I need to start doing stuff I love and start picking up music again...i haven't yet since I wrote that other blog and keep thinking about it, but haven't started up again. Then I have thought of wearing makeup again and yet it's something I keep thinking about but not actually doing...as I write this I am thinking of different things that that I think of but don't happen. It's like I am trying to figure out why and maybe I just keep overthinking it.

 

2. I'm also realizing that I can't control other people and maybe if my "friends" don't make me a priority, I should stop doing that with them. I have tried to text and message and usually to no go, or if I do hear from them it's a quick message with a promise to catch up and I'm not being ignored, but that doesn't happen.

Instead of making other people a priority, I need to do it to myself.. I used to make it happen before, but that has changed a bit and on that list what I need to do is work on accepting my self and being there for myself...how can I expect others in my life to accept me for me if I can't do it myself?

Lookingformyself2014

Wow..there has been a lot in my head and I need to clear it out..

 

1. Friends- these are my offline friends who I used to work with. It's become clear to me that for all I text them or Facebook message them I don't get that much effort back. After I left my other job they were the ones I wanted to stay in touch and maybe they just got busy, but I don't hear back hardly at all and they were the ones I wanted to come out to and I'm starting to see that as a sign that maybe this isn't the right group to share that with, not that I'm ready but yeah.

 

2. Thoughts on my sexuality- after reading all the posts on my latest topic and reading the links that came with the last posting I made, I am feeling better and yet at the same time almost feel like I am leading two lives. I am keeping this to myself and as far as I know my mom has no idea and I am clearly not ready or totally wanting to tell her and mainly at home I play on my iPad and read different stuff and share more online than I do offline and I know that the more I work on myself and read about it, the better I'll feel. It can just be odd because I come home and it's the first thing on my mind and it's like all I want to do is read about and get to know other people who share the same feelings and so yeah, it's like I am soo different from my family because I try to stay positive and I'm not into guys like my mom is and there are a lot of times I have to correct different things she says like calling someone's husband a partner and not really caring what term she uses. I am the opposite where I have respect for stuff like that and so it goes.

 

3. Doing the right thing- I have to say that I am glad I said something about things moving too fast. I saw things leading up to this and am glad that I said something. Some of the things that caught my attention were how soon she wanted to get to know me, how she expected me to stop what I was doing to text her and how soon she was ready to send me her picture and the more I think about it, the more I am glad I did it, it just wasn't the right time and it probably won't be until I figure out some things for myself..

 

4. Even as I am writing this, my mom has been driving me nuts. We are both tired which doesn't help and yet it's like I can't say anything to her because she thinks she is right and normally doesn't want to hear it and gets frustrated sometimes when I try to tell her something or how I'm feeling. Which is why I don't tell her about my sexuality because I shouldn't have to defend myself to her or prove why this is the way it is.

The last time I said anything to her about my sexuality, she blamed my best friend at the time and made it clear she wants no part of it at all. She said it was my business and that if I told the rest of my family it was on me and I was basically on my own. Hell. We can't even watch a show with gay people on it with out it being very awkward. Still after many years, there is an awkward silence that appears.

Lookingformyself2014

So I'm back and after I have been thinking about coming out, I have decided to wait at least for now. I plan on coming out at some point, most likely when I'm in a relationship with someone...

 

Anywho, one thing I am realizing is that I need to be myself and do what I want without worrying about what other people think. Mostly I need to stop worrying about what my mom thinks and would do and focus on what I want and like. She complains a lot about things and money is tight right now so she thinks it's funny to say we're poor and I try to get her to say something else and she just doesn't want to hear it.

 

Plus, I need to keep the focus on what I want for myself- I want to learn more about myself as a submissive, learn how to drive and maybe get back into singing...it was a huge part of my life and I feel lost without it. Yet no one around me seems to notice except for me. It's never mentioned by my mom or anyone else, yet I feel it's missing. I have started or had started taking baby steps like singing along to my iPod and learning music and I think the thing I'm missing is that I don't make it a priority to do it.

 

I used to be the ultimate chorus geek and always wanted to practice and I loved it until I was in college choir and we had a real sucky director who I had a few issues with and its been pretty much since then I haven't really gone back to my chorus geek side. My mom would tell me to just do it, but that would be easy for her to say....I try to explain stuff to her and it just doesn't help.

 

I'm feeling like I'm married to my iPod and iPad..

Lookingformyself2014

All right so here goes...

 

1. I'm realizing that I need to put as much effort in myself as I was with my needy friend. For the longest time I would spend more time texting him and waiting to hear back.. The effort he put in was less than what I was doing and so backing off and decreasing the effort, has been very peaceful....

 

2.as for coming out to my friends, I am on the fence about that and basically because I don't see them that often and maybe I'm dreading it because of past experiences. The last friend I told, actually the first, was my best friend at the time who was gay and he was very supportive. Telling my mom didn't work out and even though it was quite a few years ago, we don't talk about it and until I meet someone, I'm not mentioning it. Right now I have no one offline I can go to about this. Its something I've been thinking about a lot and maybe I want to be out and that's why this is coming back...

 

3, my former best friend is someone I think about all the time- he was the first one I came out to, and we were pretty close until he transferred to a university and I hardly saw him or heard from him...I could tell him anything and he wasn't shocked easily☺ I miss that to this day and yet I know It wouldn't work again... Too much time and we lead different lives...

Lookingformyself2014

Am I the only one who, even though I have accepted I am bi, doesn't want to tell everyone? Not even her family? I live with my mom and it was hell when I told her I was a lesbian and she said she didn't want to hear about it and that it was my business. That was about 5 or 6 years ago and we haven't discussed it since, I haven't come out to anyone else in my family and to this day nobody mentions me dating or liking anyone. So it's like they all know, but we don't talk about it. There are times i want to tell everyone and then there are times I don't. I have a few close people I talk to but no one that knows this side of me, and I don't know if I really want to share that. I just keep thinking of talking to my girl crush and it seems like there is never a good time. If I see her with people, it's usually those I don't like, or I am busy and on my way to do something. It would be easier to be out if I could drive and go places, but right now I can't. And it's like I have thought of telling my mom again, but after the last time, I don't want to. The last time she blamed my best friend and things royally sucked. Plus with the money trouble we are having right now and the fact that we are moving soon and things are really stressful right now, I don't want to complicate things for me or her and I don't honestly see things changing.

Lookingformyself2014

so here's what's on my mind-

 

there is a teacher I volunteer with at the school I work at and I often go

over while she has her planning and chill out and talk to her. Well today I went

over and I was talking about my last crush and then I brought up my former gay

best friend and we were talking about it and she asked if there was anyone I liked

and I had to lie because she knows the girl I like and it would be awkward.

 

So anywho, I mentioned he was gay and I had to leave out part of it because he was

involved in my coming out and I didn't know if I should share that or not, so I didn't.

i probably would have, but when I mentioned my old best friend was gay, she told me that's

a whole other world and so it ended there.

Lookingformyself2014

And so here it is

 

Ever since the other night when I found myself checking girls out without worrying about what other people thought, things have felt a lot different. I have been wanting to do more with makeup and I feel happier. I hate leaving the house if my nails aren't done and if I don't have either lipstick or lip gloss on, I do eyeshadow sometimes but when my allergies act up I don't...

 

Anyway, there is this guy that I have liked and it's only recently I started to find myself moving on from the idea of us being in a Romantic relationship( it had been 3 years and to this day he has never said anything about how he feels and doesn't want to talk about it whenever I bring it up) so I have stopped pushing the issue because my feelings keep fading and I am exploring other parts of my self. With that said, we still have a close relationship via text and I feel lost when we don't talk . And I am pretty sure he does too because after the 2 weeks I went without texting him because I was in a funk and had a lot of crap going on he texted me to see how I was doing and it felt right and normal...

 

And so the reason I can tell something has changed is because since I have started checking out girls, and thinking of girls, it doesn't bother me so much that we don't have a romantic relationship because the one we do have is awesome enough,,,

Lookingformyself2014

So I have defying gravity from wicked stuck in my head and it fits. Something has definitely changed for me and I need to get it out...

 

Ever since the party the other night when I realized i could check girls out without being afraid of what other people think, it's like, all I want to do is find a girl... Because I find myself thinking of and looking at pictures of girls and it's like a weight has been lifted off of me when I just did what felt right and even if it scared me a little.

 

On the other side, I still think of the guy I liked. But it hasn't been as Much and I think that the time we didn't talk for about 2 weeks or so, helped. I still feel bound to him because we have had some kind of a relationship for the last 3 years and I go nuts when I don't talk to him because there is a lot I want to tell him and even though nothing romantic has happened between us, I know we care about each other and he is the first one I want to share stuff with....

Lookingformyself2014

Well after awhile of being here, I have realized that I am becoming more comfortable with being bi and also checking out girls.. I also find myself checking out guys, but not so much. Is it weird that when I check out the girls, I feel a little anxious and then when it comes to the guys, not so much. But that depends on the situation. I also am at the point where I am starting to know who I am as bi and submissive and I am on fetlife again, but being smarter about things and I am itching to talk to people like me and make some friends.

 

I would love to start talking to people about this so I don't feel invisible and can have somewhere to share things, I have a few friends offline, but I'm not open to them about being bi or submissive, although they may already know or have an idea...

 

 

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