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Random Rants of a Confused Individual

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justonekiss

It's been months since my last entry, and I've honestly missed being brutally honest on here. So much has happened, almost all of it a mess. My friend, who I fell hard for, told me to pursue relationships because she saw me as just a friend. Still, she acted weird every single time I started talking to someone, male or female. I tried to maintain, and I accepted that I probably wouldn't be with anyone. I was accepting that I had come out as bisexual, people were generally accepting, and I continued to work hard in therapy.

While doing some activities completely alone, I met someone. A beautiful man who wanted nothing more than to make me happy, to show me that I could be vulnerable, that not everything had to be scary, He asked me to just give him a chance, and I said we would get nowhere without complete honesty. With nothing to lose, I told him everything. Everything that hurt, everything I had been through, every reason I could not possibly be a good girlfriend. Most of all, I bit the bullet and told him that I was bisexual. 

 

I had never told a potential partner this, and he had reasonable questions. How many women had I been with? Did I try to be with women? If we have a real future together, am I ever going to regret not being with a woman, because he wants 100% commitment? I answered every question honestly, including assuring him that if I was with ANYONE I would want 100% commitment too. He was looking to settle down, plan for a family, and it felt so natural. We've now been together almost six months,

The painful part comes in about three months ago when my friend, my crush, decided that I was not there for her enough. She felt uncomfortable with my relationships elsewhere; she said I was forgetting her and leaving her behind. Instead of talking to her about my pains, I shared everything with my boyfriend. Then, she observed me with a group of friends - having a good time - and said she had lost me. I tried to explain; we argued, screaming and crying, for hours with no resolution. I finally said, "I can't do this anymore. I need you to realize you are wrong on this one. It isn't fair what you're doing." She said I needed to do the exact same thing. I concluded, "I have to let you go."

We have not talked since. I had already paid for an expensive vacation which I took on my own, and it was so weird to know that she and I will never talk again. I explained to my boyfriend that ALL of this was complicated; he took the embarrassing details far better than I would've had the roles been reversed. 

I hate that I feel like I ruined everything with that friend by admitting the truth; however, I am so lucky. I have met the absolute love of my life. He has shown me so much peace and acceptance that I've fallen so deep in love. It worked out for the best, and I'm glad I'm out. It is just that now I have completely new fears. 

This man wants to be married, to have kids, and grow old together. I am terrified to be intimate again, especially since I've only been with one person - a violent, abusive man. I am terrified I will be a terrible wife, terrible mother. But I want this life...I want to be with him. I don't want to be afraid anymore. If I made it through the pain of losing a woman who I was sure would always be in my life, I know I can face these new fears. Wish me luck!

 

justonekiss

I'm Out...now What?

Long time no see! Since last blog, I've become really honest and less tolerant of a lot of things. I've been in consistent therapy (meaning weekly), and I've tried to set up boundaries to get myself in the most positive, peaceful place possible.

 

As it comes to Ivy, she knows everything and slowly made an issue of it. She knew I had a crush on Harley and used it against me when it was convenient for her. I gave her a warning, then she did it again so I asked for some space.

 

I know that Harley and I probably aren't going to be together. Though she no knows how I feel (even responded gracefully and with utmost sweetness), she deals with life differently than I do. She cuts people off completely instead of allowing people to support her; she tells me that I'm the only person she trusts and needs around. But what her actions say? They are vastly different from her words. To protect myself, I know that I need to create some space between Harley and I.

 

Thankfully, Selina and I still talk as often as possible. She's a total sweetheart, and I appreciate her beyond words.

 

The most important part of this blog, outside of these key characters in my life, is that I told my mother about what I really want in life. I sobbed uncontrollably and told her everything. I admitted that I have no idea where I'm going to end up or with who. This wonderful woman, one of the true angels in my life, said, "I'm sorry you've been carrying this alone. You could never disappoint me because I love you. If this is what has got you down, please let it go."

 

While some areas in my life may be dark, while I still may walk around with a huge question mark above my head, that was a huge light and weight off my shoulders.

justonekiss

Checking In

It's been a minute since I've blogged, but I've missed it. It's nice to have a place to vent and be honest if nothing else, so huge thank you to this community for being so kind and accepting.

 

Since I've last blogged, I have started therapy and told Harley, Ivy, and Selina that I'm trying to accept my bisexuality because I've felt a strong attraction to a woman. Harley still has no idea that this woman is her. Ivy took the news much better than I thought she would, and she's been amazing in supporting me as I vent about how frustrated I am by my feelings for Harley.

 

I feel bad for the way I treat Harley sometimes. I'm so quick to stop talking or suggest we not talk for a bit because my feelings for her are so scary to me. Since I'm in therapy every week now, I admitted to my doctor that I almost feel like I'd rather be alone for the rest of my life than to be with anyone whom would make my family disappointed in me. I know my mom would not approve, my father passed when I was young, and I just--I can't imagine nor bear the pain of disappointing her. She still believes that when therapy is over that I'll be ready to meet a good guy and get married. Not that I would be opposed to meeting a beautiful man, because I wouldn't. I just feel so strongly for Harley right now that I don't know how I could be with anyone else.

 

It's fine though because therapist and I both agreed that a relationship is the last thing I need. It won't resolve any issue I have, and it may even create more.

 

I've also gone back to work full time and had a birthday since last post. So...I'm trying? LOL I know my start is so slow, but I'm hoping I get my shit together before the end of the year...

 

hopefully....

 

sighs...

justonekiss

In the past twenty four hours, I have told someone that I believe I'm bisexual and think I have lost the person who made all these emotions come up again. I don't know what to do with it. I don't feel any better.

 

I thought making the confession to someone would help, and it didn't. Also, the person I chose to tell "Selina" is by far one of the sweetest, kindest people I know. She didn't even bat an eyelash, and she was so supportive. She's actually done much better with her honesty, going as far as telling a family member, while I have only told her. I didn't feel relief. Instead, I just ended up asking her why did I feel so screwed up? Why do I feel like there is something wrong with me?

 

I also told her about the girl that I care so deeply for, and she said that whatever I do...don't shut her out.

 

So, I picked up the phone again. I texted. I called. Only to have Harley completely ignore all my attempts at contact. I don't know if she started to get a hint of how I feel or what. Then, as I started typing, She contacted me only to tell me she has nothing to say. Fuck, I almost prefer she said nothing and left me to hurt in silence.

 

I don't wanna question her or get an explanation at this point. Whatever, I do or say will be wrong. I can't deal. I just gotta get my shit together for me, and I could give a shit if I pursue anything with anyone. :resent:

 

When I'm hurt, I shut down. It isn't healthy, but I will never again put more effort into any relationship than someone else does. It's pointless. Ends up scarring only me in the end.

justonekiss

I do it all the time, especially when I feel something so strong. I hate myself for being foolish and for giving into things that have no honest hope for a good ending.

 

As I've been pretty open on here, comfortable being faceless and honest with everything going on in my jumbled head, if you are reading this, you know I'm a mess. I've been abused since I was a kid, grew up to pursue an education to help other kids, but I've never fixed my personal life. Instead, I get hurt over and over again. It's because I've never taken the time to know and appreciate myself, never loved myself, and have always felt ashamed of where I find attraction.

 

The truth is I am very attracted to men and women; but I've only been honest about men because (outside of one friend) that is what is acceptable. My one friend is a vivacious, proud, and just all around beautiful lesbian who is in a relationship (finally) with someone who appreciates her golden heart and is good for her. We both went through DV relationships at one point, and we found ourselves alone - not talking for a year. That year I probably felt more alone than ever before because she is like a sister to me. We will call her Ivy.

 

I'm afraid to tell even Ivy what I feel or have felt. I've tiptoed around it. I've told Ivy about a friend I had long ago (true story) who teased me and kissed me a few times. I told Ivy I never thought about it, but I had with that friend. The problem was we both kept saying we're not gay, even while kissing, and it never crossed a line, the thought of bisexuality never even crossing our minds.

 

Ivy came out to me first when she was ready to, and I kind of knew. I told her it was fine, and I loved her. She was worried as a Catholic, and I wrote her a short story which showed how I imagined she felt and supported her. She loved it, and we got closer. Now, Ivy ended up telling me - as she was involved with a few girls, enjoying her new found freedom - that she had a crush on me. I told her that we would always be friends, but I didn't feel the same. I wouldn't consider it. Did I secretly? For a split second, but I know - even though I find women attractive - she's more like a sister to me. The truth was I didn't nor do I want a relationship with Ivy. But I wish I could talk to Ivy all the time, be honest with what I’m really feeling, but I fear I’d hurt her with the honesty that I am attracted to women…just not her.

 

That’s where… “Harley” comes into the picture. Harley found me about a year ago and messaged me through a writing site I frequent. For whatever reason, we just clicked. She lives in a different country, and I figured we’d NEVER know each other outside of some casual conversation through the site. The day came when Harley was going to be off the site and dropped me her number, said to contact her if I felt like it. I immediately called as I had grown accustomed to talking to her every day on the site. We started talking more frequently through text message, and it was crazy cause of the time difference. Finally, we casually said, “Hey, send me a quick pic so I can put you in my phone as a contact profile.” We joked about each other being hot, and we started saying “if I were, you’d totally be my wifey” then the name stuck. Harley and I have called each other wifey ever since. It’s gone beyond that a couple times where we right flirtatious “would dos” to each other since. It is incredibly confusing, and it makes me feel worse as things go on. I feel like I’m honestly developing feelings for her, and we both made it clear that were “straight” so I’m a liar from the jump I guess.

 

If I was honest, I would’ve told Harley that I am attracted to both males and females. I wouldn’t be terrified to tell her things now and face rejection. I don’t want to talk this out with Ivy because I can’t hurt her. I don’t even know if I’m just complicating things because I’m just a ball of mess and confusion. Maybe I am what Ivy suggested, just asexual! Everything is in my head, and I need to just shut up.

 

Instead? I turn off my phone. I turn off my social media. I hide. Because it’s safe. No one can hurt me, and I’m so certain that I’m better off alone than hurting anyone.

 

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justonekiss

This place is quickly becoming my safe haven - a place where I can hide and no one finds me. I can say whatever I want, and I thank anyone who supports this community board.

 

Right now, as I am trying to accept this term "survivor", I feel like a fraud. Each time I open up about something, I find there are more things wrong with me. I think about how many people have used me or taken advantage of me my entire life. I've been abused by men and women from an early age; then, the relationship I "choose" to be in was by far the most violent and disturbing.

 

How can I claim the term "survivor" if I am still going through it? If I have literally closed myself off to the entire world because I'm that scared of being hurt again.

 

Some of the stories I am hearing as I try to step into this community have made me almost ashamed. I haven't found the light at the end of the tunnel yet, and I've been out of this relationship for years. He's not even alive, and I act as though I'll see him in the streets. Some of these incredible women not only went through things ten times worse than me, they've moved on. They've had families. They've gotten married. They've helped others.

 

Instead of survivor, I think I should be called "hermit" because I'm good at that. It's the direction I've chosen. Not proud, and I'm trying to change. But I feel like I can't own the term "survivor" until I've come through the other side.

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