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Lookingformyself2014

Well since realizing i do have a crush on her, it is becoming apparent that i have a type. She is blonde and tall and i find myself staring at her chest...or i did when i was in her room and we would do circle time with the kids and omg... She is also very calming and she was a good teacher as i learned a lot from her and now i try not to make it so obvious when she is around...

Im not sure when i realized i was crushing on her and to tell her would not be a good thing as she has a boyfriend and it would make it awkward if i were to sub for her again..

I had thought of texting her, but im not sure because i hadn't really talked to her in awhile and i don't know if it would be a weird thing to do or not...

Lookingformyself2014

Soo the other day, i realized that i was crushing on someone i used to work with and when i saw her the other day, and heard she had her boyfriend helping with her kids, I realized I was jealous of her boyfriend and also that meant i had a underlying crush..

Not so obvious signs- 
1. When she was around I got really nervous and couldn't do the songs We were singing with the kids. 

2. I found myself not really talking to her- even though i didnt a lot when i worked with her and now i am realizing why... I didn't want to get caught staring and start rambling, so a lot of the time i didn't say much...

3. When she was around I got busy doing stuff so she wouldn't think i was staring and i didn't want to mess up when she was around..

4. Finally, i hadn't seen her since October and the first time she saw me she gave me a hug and i could smell her and feel her wet hair brush up against my cheek... Right then it was the bright spot of the morning and i couldn't stop thinking about her all day...

Lookingformyself2014

 

So there have been times that i realize I am being checked out by guys and when I noticed, I smile and then feel weird about it. I am bi and find myself checking out more girls than guys.

The other day when i was renewing my ID, I found myself smiling at the girl who was waiting on me and I was also nervous because I didn't have one of the things with me that I needed and was freaking out that I wouldn't be able to get my ID done and then I would be screwed for my new job. But yeah, that all worked out and the girl sitting next to her caught my eye and smiled at me and then I relaxed a little.

This was a new experience for me to actually try and check out a girl and I don't know if she noticed what I was doing, but she was busy working on my stuff and I was trying to other to freak out because I really needed to get this done.

Anywho,  we finished and she handed me my stuff and called me sweetie, and told me to have a good day...and I left...but that experience keeps sticking out in my head and I think that I am slowly becoming more comfortable with checking out girls..I don't know about the in out guys yet, even though I do that too...sometimes...

I think k for me it seems awkward because I am with my mom when we go places, and this is one thing I feel awkward talking to her about it and so it goes...

That's all there is, there isn't anymore...until next time

Lookingformyself2014

Okay, so when I was in high school I idolized my chorus teacher . 

She was funny, an awesome listener and I just loved being around her. I could talk to her about anything and I always wanted to be around her. I was one of her favorites always responsible, dependable and not a trouble Maker or disrespectful... I would stop in her room between classes for a hug and she was always open to it... She used to let me hang out in her room and I would eat my lunch in there and listen to orchestra rehearsal. She was  my favorite teacher and there were things I could talk to her about that i couldn't with my mom. I used to throw her birthday parties and I was always bringing her stuff and even the admin called me her sidekick and I was in good standing with them too...

When it was time for me to graduate,I hated the idea of it because I didn't want to leave her. Her class was my  haven and I also had a crush on her son. He was a sweet heart and everyone knew how I felt about him- course everyone had a crush on him and both he and his mom knew that. And also his girlfriend who is now his wife and mother of their ,2 children....


!looking back, I think I was crushing on both him and his mom without realizing it this could of been the time I realized I wasn't straight but didn't know what it was. 

Lookingformyself2014

Maybe its a good thing 
 

Maybe its a good thing that I keep certain things to myself. After thinking about it and seeing some comments on my blog, maybe just maybe I don't have to share everything with family. I mean just because you live with them doesn't mean you have to share all the things that are private... Half of the time before when I would bring up something,  my mom wasn't very interested... And if I were to come out to my brother and the other part of the family, it would be up to me and all on me.. Frankly right now I feel that they don't need to know. They don't share every detail of there sex life or whatever with me, so why do i need to? 

Since I have started blogging again, i am starting to feel more connected and not so isolated. Now I have the desire to blog and even though  its the spur of the moment, like this one is, I'm doing it. This is another part of what I was missing from my friend. We used to talk about all sorts of stuff from the kinky to the not kinky....

Lookingformyself2014

So...many years ago I was hanging out after a choir concert with my former bestie and he had a few of his friends ride with us.. 

So we start talking and I don't remember what I said exactly, but the next thing out of his mouth was something along the lines of stopping my lesbian bitching or something.

I was shocked- I about crapped myself....so we get to the restaurant and we are sitting there and I'm fine and I'm just not really saying anything and so we go to his car and 

Drop his friend of at her car and we get going and I'm still being quiet and he knew I was pissed. So as he's driving, he starts apologizing and said he got caught up in the 

Moment and I forgave him because that wasnt something he would go around and broadcast.... And the rest of the time we were friends, he never did it again

 

Lookingformyself2014

So I got a haircut yesterday- the first in awhile and it was a new place and I was feeling really really shy.

I like my hair short and the lady cutting my hair was seeing how short it was and when she put her hands in my hair, I about melted:) I have never had another person especially a lady put her hands in my hair and now I want more.... I felt like I had discovered something new and she must of done it a few times and each time was awesome...she is older than me and I believe married, but it made me realize that I want someone's hands in my hair in the future... 

Afterwards it was all I could think about and I think I even felt myself getting wet while sitting there....

We go back in a month for a touch up-:)

Lookingformyself2014

So tonight our neighbor came over and we were talking about religion and she was asking me if i went to the church to look for cute guys and it totally threw me off guard because it was unexpected and also because right now I'm not looking for anyone and just there and honestly if i was looking for someone, i don't know if it would of been a guy or a girl and after our conversation i realized i need the connection that i had before where i could talk to people about this stuff going through my head.

Lookingformyself2014

Well it has been forever since i have been on here and im back because I've been realizing lately that i need to connect with people...i had a dream the other night and in my dream my old friend came to me and it felt so vivid and real and i knew it meant something.

What it meant to me was that i need to be myself and do my own thing which means wearing makeup and again wearing my pride necklace and just starting out with little things...when we were friends, i was a little more out there and especially with him and did my own thing. I was for awhile and then i started getting caught up in what other people thought and im slowly working on it and im realizing that i need to work on being myself more...i keep a lot to myself and most of it has to do with my sexuality. It is constantly on my mind and i do mean constantly...that's probably because we were really close and we talked about everything and then he was the first person i came out to and im not out to anyone now...it has been in my mind constantly and i just don't talk about it now...anyone in the past i have talked to i don't now and right now i just don't feel like constantly telling people...

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