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A glimpse inside of my disorganized brain :P

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Comfortably Numb

I'm tired of the way you make me feel. I 'm tired of the ups and downs and the way you play with my emotions. I'm tired of you being a controlling narcissist and getting mad or suspicious any time I do something. I'm tired of being married to my dad.

I grew up with an angry dad and he taught me how to repress my feelings and bottle up my emotions. He was always angry and the littlest things would set him off. I learned how to walk on eggshells at a young age. The abuse was never physical from him, it was all mental, verbal, and emotional. My dad had a way of making us feel stupid and insignificant with just a look or a phrase. I grew up knowing I'd never be good enough, I grew up knowing I'd always be lacking in some way. I learned to tune out the yelling, I built walls around my cold, hardened heart to keep the hurt out, my humor became cynical like his, I learned to turn off my emotions, and I learned to accept and also expect disappointment from people in my life. His cheating and affairs made me angrier and so full of hate and resentment. I grew up hurting and angry...and then I met you.

You made me smile and tore down my walls and defenses. You accepted me and my flaws with open arms, and you made me want to be a better person. I couldn't believe you were real or that you had fallen for me. You took care of me and held me at night, listened to me when I needed a genuinely cared. I loved showing you off and bragging on you to my friends because you treated me well and you were so respectful and sweet to me. I woke up smiling and went to bed snuggled in your arms. My heart was so full of love that I thought it was going to explode on a daily basis. You made me feel made me want to feel again. You made me feel confident and strong and beautiful and loved. You made me feel smart and special and loved doing anything and everything with me....I felt like I could conquer the world with you by my side. You made me feel whole. 

Then I lost you. 

Physically you sit here across the room from me, snoring as you nap on the couch. The laughter and smiles have become fewer, and the arguments and degradation have become the norm. Those dark feelings of insecurity and unworthiness have started creeping up on me, waiting to once again become a part of me. My heart is gradually turning to stone as I write these words, and the bricks are being laid in a circle around it. My emotions are as drained as the Tequila bottle on the counter, and part of me has begun to disappear. That woman in the mirror? She's flawed, her imperfections are too many to name. She talks too much, she's too trusting, she gets zits and needs to lose weight and she never does anything right. You remind me with your words that I didn't do something right, you remind me with your actions that I'm not enough. "If I were enough for him, he'd want to be intimate with me once in awhile." Says the woman in the mirror. I try to fight the hurt and despair, but it follows me everywhere. I am tired of this battle. I am tired of always being wrong and feeling insignificant. I am tired of trying only to be crushed and hurt. I sometimes catch a glimpse of the man I married, the man you used to always be. But sometimes isn't enough...sometimes doesn't make me feel like you used to. 

I sit here and shut down my feelings, I only feel hurt and confusion. I look at you as I feel my heart harden and the wall continue to go up. I will not let anyone hurt me anymore. I will not be vulnerable to you, even if it means I have to shut down completely. The dark feelings cover me like a blanket and suddenly I feel nothing at all. I'm becoming numb to feeling and I'm okay with that. I'd rather feel nothing at all if my other options are hurt and confusion. I can be comfortable being numb. I light my cigarette and let the feeling of feeling fade away. I feel a little cold inside, but it beats the way you made me feel. I tried so many times to tell you and each time was less important to you, I was less important. With each puff of smoke I notice the numbness growing inside me and it feels so familiar, like going home after a long vacation. I welcome the numbness and let it cover me completely like a blanket. I snuggle in and get comfortable with it, I think it is here to stay this time.  

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So I've hesitated in creating a blog since I have no clue what to add for an entry or anything, but I just figured I'd do an initial post and see how it goes over. I decided to write about this girl at work that I have a huge crush on, mainly because this is the only place I can really talk about it and she's on my mind a lot. For privacy's sake we'll call her *Sarah* but note that Sarah is not her real/legal name.


Sarah started at my office about 3 months ago, and I really wasn't sure I'd like her. The position she took was one that used to belong to a very good friend of mine and she moved to be closer to family, so I was kind of bummed. I always felt like Sarah was being defensive or maybe overly sassy with a huge side of attitude and I wasn't a fan because I'm typically really laid back and easy going. We had a mutual friend and before long Sarah and I got to know one another and became fast friends. At this point, I knew that I was bisexual and had recently been able to admit it to my best friend, but I hadn't found a woman that had me absolutely swooning or anything. Sarah is super down to earth and grew up in the country dong farm work like I did, and she shares my love of the country/farming lifestyle. She has this great curly hair that is a lovely shade of dark blonde...I'm talking the bouncy spiral curls that I'd kill for, but they're just relaxed enough so they aren't crazy. She's got beautiful curvy hips and this voluptuous butt and full breasts that capture my attention like nothing else. I can't help but look her up and down every chance I get and hope she doesn't notice me staring at her. I usually snapchat her something silly so I can hear her laugh across the room or I'll find some excuse to go talk to her or something. I probably sound like a creep or something to anyone reading this, but I'm absolutely entranced by her and I'm wondering how someone could possibly be so perfect. She's the first girl that I've ever felt this way about so it's kind of like my first 12 year old crush all over again lol. I get the butterflies and stuff and today she showed me something on my computer and I could smell her conditioner mixed with her perfume and it was intoxicating...she has the best smile and this adorable laugh that I love to hear every day. I wish I could be up front and honest with her about my feelings for her, but as far as I know she's straight and I really don't want to lose that friendship with her. It felt good to get all of this off my chest finally...I hope I didn't bore anyone to death with my rambling lol.

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