I wish that some people could understand what it's like to be an introvert. Then maybe, just maybe, when I have a hard time wanting to go out anywhere, they will know the things they are saying is making things 10 times worse. I do NOT need to be told I'm irrational in my thinking, or I'm going to miss out on a good time. Don't you think I know I'm going to miss out on life and experiences? I don't need those comments. Or being told I'm a boring and un-fun person who likes to do nothing. My "nothing" is what grounds me. I need my nothing or I will go crazy. So please, just stop.
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This post is going to be far different and more ugly than my last post.
I let some friends of mine know how I'm struggling right now. These are online friends, I still haven't had the guts to let people who see in person how hard I'm struggling. How hard it is to keep going. A part of me wants to hide it from them. Another part doesn't want them to think I want attention. But mainly, I don't want them to worry about me, they have enough to worry about and me not adding more stress for them.
Today I got hit hard again. Right now I should be freaking out, but it's like I don't give a fuck what happens. I want to give up, to lie down and stop trying. I want to just end it all. However, I can't do it. I can't leave my sister who just had her baby. The thought of hurting her kills me. The thought of hurting my mom, my other sister and my niece is unbearable. Plus I was raised as a Christian, so the thought of going to Hell, makes me afraid. I'm trying to pull myself up from this hole I've put myself in. It's hard, very hard. I signed up on a depression forum. I still haven't posted anything on there.
Maybe this blog post is just me trying to reach out. Maybe I'm not actually as much done as I think I am. I'm scared at the fact that I'm not freaking out right now like I should be. I'm scared of this emptiness that is inside of me. I'm just scared...
I really should go to bed since I have to get up in 4.5 hours and work 10 hours, but I really wanted to post this. Mainly so I can go back to this in the future if I need to. My mom just got back from FL and on the drive from my sisters house to home, we was talking. In FL I have a cousin who has came out as being Gay. His family there is having a hard time with it. They also have a hard time because he likes to dress up in women's clothing all the time. In fact, his mother made him burn all of his "girlie" things. Mom was talking about how she accepts him for who he is and she wished his Mom would do the same. We feel that maybe if they did that, then he wouldn't have such a hard time with it and turning to drugs and alcohol. Well it came up how at one time Mom thought my sister would tell her she was a lesbian, because my sister was always at her friends house, who is bi-sexual. (Little does Mom know that my sister did have a relationship with a girl, which I just recently found out). So I had to ask her what would she have done if my sister told her that she liked women. I'm holding my breathe this whole time, and then she said "I would still love her and want to spend time with her. I would never disown my children". She also went on to say that she has a real hard time believing it's wrong for gays/lesbians because she feels they deserved to be loved as well.
I didn't tell her I liked women, but at least now I know she won't disown me. And she would accept whoever I was with as part of the family. Such a relief off my shoulders.
When I got home today my neighbor was grilling out. She has been a life long friend and of course she invited me over. After we eat and we are just sitting around talking the subject comes up about guys and what not. I just had this urge to tell her that I'm not really into guys anymore. As I'm sitting there, telling her how I met this girl at work and even though she doesn't like me back, it just opened my eyes to so many things. About how much I'm more content with who I am since I came to this realization and so on. Without missing a beat when I was done, she said "Good for you hun, you need to do what's right for you".
I continue on saying that I know that one of my sisters will be cool with it and the other, not so sure, but my mother is a different story. As stated, she is a life long friend and she knows my mom. In fact, both her and my mom are so much alike. Our stories can pretty much match right on. Anyways, she was telling me that I need to sit down with her (my mom), make boundries with her. Let her know if she goes over the boundries, this is what would happen. For instance, if she starts on me about how being with women is wrong in the bible and I need to realize that (what she says about my cousin who is gay, but never says it to his face), then I'll just get up and leave. It's what she has to do with her mom on different issues. This is going to be hard, but I need to do it. Not just on this subject, but several others. Especially all the negativity Mom throws around. I did tell my friend that when I do find someone, I'm not going to hide the relationship. If my mother can't handle it, then it's her loss. I need to live for myself and not others and my mother can't have her grip on me anymore.
She was also stating how I need to fill my life with positive reinforcements. That is when I told her I found an amazing website for people like me and there is so much positivity and support in this site and how I would be so lost without it. I'm sure I have already made lasting friendships here and only been here a few weeks. I just want to say thank you to everyone who has helped me so far. Some of my support I've gotten is just from reading the forums and the advice that was given to other ladies.
So I have told 2 friends now. One I play WoW with and the other face-to-face. I'm debating on telling my sister this weekend, still not sure.
I've grown up in a small and closed off town. My family, mostly Christians, but also very judgmental and narrow minded. The ones I hung/grew up around the most seem to always have this bad outlook towards life, especially my mother. She worries about everything and is very stubborn. And recently, all she wants to do is complain about everything, which makes it very mind draining when your around her. She does have gay/lesbian friends, but always mentions (to us) how it's wrong in the bible and so on. She gets upset with us (me and my sisters) when we say we don't want to hear it. She about blew a gasket when my youngest sister went to the gay pride parade (one sister in my corner). I mean, I know she will still love me, but the thought of hearing her preach to me about how "wrong it is to feel the way I do" is not something I'm looking forward to. It is something I know I will have to endure when I finally find someone to be with (still hopeful) but I feel like I'm still running from my feelings keeping it from her.
Oddly, I feel it is going to be a woman. Main reason is because since I've came to the conclusion that I actually do like girls I've felt more content with myself. Started seeing myself in a whole new light. Earlier this month is the first time I actually looked in the mirror and thought the face staring back was pretty (without makeup). Later on during the day when I did put makeup on, I thought I was beautiful. That is a major step from me. And for the first time the same day, I didn't shy away from cameras like I always do (family Mother's Day dinner). I still have issues with being overweight, but I can see where my legs, wrists and fingers are getting smaller and love the way there are starting to look. I know I still have a long way to go and there are going to be many ups and downs (praying more ups then downs) but eventually I will get to the person I want to be, inside and out.
I felt like I needed to share this mainly for myself. So when I have the down days, I can see that I at least at one point, I thought I was pretty.