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About this blog

A girl is no one, therefore she does not exist, and so she is not bound to the rules of this universe.

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NoOne

Rebuilt

My Babygirl,

I know you won't see this.  I know I've already apologized.  And I know you've already forgiven me.  But I haven't forgiven me, so I'm putting this here as a promise to both of us.

I'll learn to forgive myself for what I've done to us in time.  In the meantime, I'll fix the pieces I've broken and build us back up even stronger.  Despite that it was unintentional, I'm ashamed and disappointed in myself for what I've done.  I wasn't supposed to do what everyone else did to you, but I know that I will fix it like none of them ever could because what we have is real and it means so much to me.  What I feel for you is real and it's never faltered.  My words might only be words to you for now, until I show you with actions that you can believe in my words again.  I can live with that because I know that it can be done.  I will be stronger for us.  It's my turn to take care of you now.  I won't disappoint you. <3

Forever Yours,
A. Valentine

NoOne

At 4 pm PST on Wednesday, the clock struck midnight in London on Thursday, May 31st, 2018, starting the many sweet shenanigans of my girlfriend's 24th birthday.

Just before it hit 4 pm, I stepped out of the office to record myself singing happy birthday.  Understand that I do not just sing for people.  I will sing along to songs in the car, and i will sing in the shower, and I will sing random tunes that pop in my head throughout the day, but I never sing FOR someone.  Since I've known her, I've sang for her on a couple occasions (to cheer her up, make her smile, or just because I was so happy I had to).  At 4, I sent the recording, along with a bunch of dorky birthday gifs and a picture of myself with a bunch of birthday stickers on it.

When I got off of work, I headed to Vons to pick up ingredients to make curry and a slice of cake.  I managed to get candles that spell out "Happy Birthday" as well.  We planned to have a movie + dinner date over video call (which we've done many times now).  This time, we were to dress all fancy. 

When I got home, I started up some of the food to cook while I headed to shower.  We started up the video chat while we cooked and talked about our day.  I didn't have the best end of day at work, but she comforted me as she always does.

Once dinner was ready, we parted to get dressed.  She asked me to pick out her dress.  I picked a black dress with pink and violet flowers that I could match my bow tie to.  I wore my black suit with a pink bow tie.  Once we were both all dressed, we stood in front of the camera.  I couldn't take my eyes off of her.  We dished out our dinner.  I poured some cranberry juice into a wine glass (I quit drinking this year).

We sat down to start our movie, which we sync up by doing a special countdown.  I was to say the countdown this time, but every time I was about to start, I found myself lost in her, just swooning.  She was so smiley and so happy.  Gawd, I love seeing her happy.  I must have said "alright" like I was going to start the countdown a dozen times before she asked if she was going to have to count how many times I said alright.  I said "alright" one more time and then did the countdown, and we started our movie.  We watched Lilo & Stitch, her most favorite movie (and one of my favorites).  As usual, I think I watched her more than I watched the movie.  I'd caught her watching me in the moments that I looked away, too.

When the movie ended, I told her I'd be right back, as if I was taking a bathroom break.  I rushed to the kitchen, pulled out my little slice of German chocolate cake, arranged the candles (in 3 rows of "HAPPY", "BIRTH", and "DAY"), lit the candles, and walked back into the bedroom.  She was looking away from her phone when I came in, so, I said "Hey babygirl" and she looked up.  She smiled so so brightly and then covered her face, blushing.  I love when she smiles.  Her eyes smile so much before the rest of her face does.  I can't help but smile whenever she smiles.

I told her she had to blow out her candles and to do it quickly because they were melting all over her cake.  She said I'd have to help her and I assured her she could do it.  (Some days we go for video chat walks when the sun is out for the both of us.  Whenever she finds a dandelion she'll hold it up to the phone and tell me to make a wish and blow it out.  Apparently, I'm very bad at blowing them out.  Hehe.  Eventually I get it all.)

She counted to 3 and blew out her candles.  She said "thank you" so many times and that it was the best birthday and that her cheeks were hurting so much.  Of course, it wasn't over yet.  I told her I wasn't about to help with her cheek problem, as I showed her a little ladybug shaped ring box.  Ladybugs have been pretty significant in our relationship.

She loved the box and commented on how cute it is.  I opened it, showing her the ring inside.  A hear-shaped promise ring with 2 little pink sapphires.  She covered her face and said she loves me so much, tons more thank you's, and how special I made her birthday.

And of course, it still wasn't over yet.  I had an idea to take a bunch of pictures to photoshop together in special ways.  I sent her some pictures of me on one knee, me kissing the air, and a few other poses that she could mimic or pose to fill in.  I'll be working on those this weekend, but I did start one, and it was looking so great I had to show her.  More smiles, more "aww's", more thank you's.

And STILL it was not over.  I kept joking about doing a strip show for her.  We haven't gotten that far yet (waiting until we meet in person to share that sort of intimacy), but it makes her blush every time I bring it up.  I love teasing her.  She usually teases the crap out of me because I'm so weak when it comes to her.  She's my kryptonite 100%.

Finally, bed time (she mostly follows my schedule since she makes her own work hours).  I had a doc apt. in the morning, but I called her afterwards, before I headed in for work.  The package I had ordered to arrive on her birthday had gotten there just before we woke up this morning.  She started opening it, blushing so much.  Once she did, she fell over in happiness (she was sitting on her bed).  A dozen roses.  "There's so many!"  She smiled so much.  She loves roses. 

She really loves flowers.  When we go for walks, she brings her camera (a really nice, fancy camera) to take pictures of animals and flowers and airplanes and the moon and anything else really.  Whenever she's out and she see's flowers she always sends me pictures of them, too, and I do the same.   So I finally sent her real flowers.  And her favorite, roses.

I love her so much.  We may be apart, but I'll always do my best to show her my love and help her feel my presence.

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Wow, that was much longer than I thought it was going to be.  Thank you for reading to anyone that makes it through the whole thing.  Hehe.  I hope you enjoyed it.

NoOne

I was told that someone very close to me commented that my relationship with my gf is just a phase.  They've said that before about my past relationship with a girl.  It really hurt my heart a lot that they still believe, 10 years later, that my attraction to females could be anything, but real.  

This person has known me my entire life, and, unless they are in complete denial of who I am, maybe they don't know me as well as I thought they did.  I thought to confront them about their feelings, not specifically mentioning that someone else told me anything about it (in case they misheard or misunderstood or anything like that).  I wanted their honest thoughts without potential influence.

I decided, instead, that I would just thank them for loving and accepting me as I am, and hope that, in time, they'll see that this isn't a phase, that it is real, and that this is who I am.  My previous relationship with a girl didn't last long and was followed by 10 years of dating guys.  Here's to hoping this one lasts to the end of my days, as I always do.

As far as I know, the truth is that I am thankful for this person loving and accepting me, and I don't need to confront any negativity that may or may not be true.  This person hasn't shown me any negativity themselves about any of it, and if they feel some way about it, they'll tell me when they need to, or they'll learn and grow and accept the truth before it ever becomes a real, in-my-face issue.

Fingers crossed...

- NoOne

NoOne

My girlfriend is the best...

She had an idea to send each other care packages.  We were aiming to get them to each other by Valentine's day.  Mine arrived at her door the next Tuesday after, but weather and other things delayed her sending hers.  She continued to work on hers while at the same time feeling really bad about not having sent it yet.  When it arrived at my door last Tuesday, I was out of town.  I got back home at 4 am this past Saturday and stayed up all morning waiting until the post office opened so I could go pick it up.  Once I had it and was back home again, we set up our cameras and commenced package opening.  She wanted me to go first, so I did.  She sent me a bear, which I already knew she was sending, but it's wearing a gi and a blue belt (like me) :D  and a T-shirt with a ladybug on it (cause she's my ladybug). And it smelled slightly like roses, her favorite scent.  She also sent mini boxes full of handwritten notes: good morning notes, lunch time notes, notes with random memories from our chats and video calls and dates, and letters for whenever I feel sad, or miss her, or need a hug, or feel anxious, or feel really happy.  She thought of everything.  She also sent a smaller, keychain bear, which included a ring.  A ring she didn't expect me to put on the finger that I did, but secretly hoped I would if it fit.  It isn't the ring she wants to propose to me with, but a promise.  She wears a sapphire (my birthstone) ring on her ring finger as a promise, and I wear her ring on mine as a promise.

Every time I read her little notes I want to cry.  She put so much time and energy into her care package.  I appreciate her so much.  And yes, I've told her this already.  That's one of the amazing things about her.  I can tell her everything I'm feeling all the time, any time, and she is open to listening.  I tell her I love her a million times a day.  I tell her she's cute or adorable or beautiful the moment the thought comes into my mind.  We don't hold back.

The things I sent in my box, she loves as well.  I knew she was cuddling with the bear she sent me, though she never showed me it.  I couldn't let her send me her bear and then miss it while I had it, so I sent her a bear.  I sent her a tshirt that I used to wear as a pajama shirt.  It was also one of her favorites of my shirts because it's from one of our favorite shows.  I sent her a keychain of the grape soda bottle cap from UP.  She told me she had ordered one once but it was damaged so she returned it and always wanted a new one.  I made her a bracelet from yarn with her name on it and crocheted her an adorable pink jellyfish because I'm her "Squishy" (from Finding Nemo).  I sent her a little Pooh and Tigger plush that smell like cinammon apple because I'm her Pooh Bear and she's my Tigger.  I sent her some letters that I'd written along with the original copy of the first poem I wrote for her.  She didn't know how I felt at the time, and the poem didn't exactly say it either, but I read her the poem that day.  It made her cry and I felt so bad, but she was so happy.  It was my promise that I would always be there for her, and I meant it, even if it meant I was going to be her friend forever.  I never expected she was already falling for me, too.  I sent her some other bracelets as well that I bought: one that says "songbird" the first nickname I gave her, one covered in puzzle pieces matching my own, and a blue one that says "I love you too" to match my red "I love you".  The color decision there was significant to our being Korrasami.  I'm her Korra (blue) and she's my Asami (red). 

I managed to hold my tears until I finished opening everything in her box (everything was wrapped in multiple layers, each layer containing a dorky message that just reeked of how perfect she is to me).  Her eyes leaked a bit as she opened my box.  She refused to put anything down, hugging each animal as she pulled them from the box and doing her best to hold them all in her arms the whole time.

I just... I just love her <3

NoOne

Not No One

I feel like I've succeeded in fulfilling the purpose of calling myself NoOne.  I'm no longer NoOne.  When I found her, I started to find me again.  I found the things I've always loved about myself.  I'm allowed to completely be myself.  I can't be NoOne if I'm Me.  With that, I've updated my picture to be who I am. :)

NoOne

I just want to show my girlfriend off to the world.  I'm so proud to be hers.  She's such a wonderful person.  Just absolutely amazing.  The way she thinks... the things she does... I've never met another person so closely similar to me, but so very much themselves.  Trusting me with her heart whenever she needs to spill it out to me.  And she does it so honestly and unapologetically, and accepts my heart when it needs to spill as well.  She has so much love to give unconditionally.  She's so talented and hard-working and caring and rational.  God, is she rational.  I love it.  We have the same love language.  We value and appreciate the same things in a relationship.  We're playful and clever together.  She amplifies everything about me.  I love deeper.  I laugh harder.  I sigh every other second.  With her, I'm so much better.  She inspires me to be more.  And I do the same for her.

She flew into my life so unexpectedly, and I showed her the sort of caring and lasting friendship she was longing for.  What she's given me in return is too much for words.  And I tell her everyday.  She tells me everyday.  We write letters full of I love you's just to try to capture some of this feeling, but it's just not enough.

Her heart is so pure.  Her voice makes my knees melt into the pavement.  She has me wrapped around her finger and there's no one I would trust more to do so.  Barely any time has passed, but I feel like I know her so well.  I feel like I've known her for ages.  Like she was a part of me that I never knew was missing and now I can't live without.

As many times as I've been in love before, this is so much more.  She loves me as much as I love her.  We were once the only ones putting effort into our relationships and now we are both putting our effort into this relationship equally.  Neither of us is used to it, and both of us appreciate it so much.  There's so much that can be felt from a single caring action.  We understand that.  It's the little things that matter.

I just needed to spill this out to someone.  It's so difficult to contain how happy I am about her. :blush2:

NoOne

Woah 2017

Long story short, 2017 made sure to end with a bang.

In the last three months:

I went to Hawaii. It was absolutely amazing. 

I opened up my relationship with my bf.  It's only open to women, but it's something, and because of that change...

I had my first full sexual experience with a woman and was also almost a unicorn (but, no, unicorn-ing is not my cup of tea. Women definitely ARE). Hahaha!  I definitely bat for both teams, potentially for women more than men.  At least at the moment.

I have a girlfriend.  I can't say this one enough.  I just adore her.  It's long distance, and I thought I couldn't do long distance anymore, but I had to have her for my own, and she me.  I'm going to do my best to visit her this year.  She's just too wonderful.  We don't just finish each others' sentences, we completely say what the other is thinking and it freaks us out every time.  I can't get enough of her.

:D

NoOne

Flirt

If Hozier's "Someone New" isn't the most accurate song for me right now, idk what is.  I can talk to someone for a few hours and, if they're kind, flirty, and I find them attractive, they become my favorite person for those few hours.  Luckily I don't see myself actually being with any of these random people.  Not to take away from any of them, of course; they are all quite wonderful as far as I've gotten to know them.  I just get a lot of joy from making them smile or blush.  I'm excited for our interactions.

Did a little reading on it and it's as I expected: I'm just a flirt.  Here's the best description I've found so far for what I feel:
"You are genuinely interested in people and want to make them feel like they matter and are special to you. You truly want other people to feel good and there is no manipulation of any kind going on. If anything, your flirtation serves as a means to lift yourself and another person up, because, most times, it’s a mutually beneficial exchange of smiles and excitement over connecting with each other. You’re like a modern-day saint, basically."

Ignoring that last sentence, lmao, this feels pretty accurate.

I guess that's all I wanted to say here.

NoOne

A letter to NoOne

Oh, my dear NoOne,

What are you doing to yourself now?
Falling in love with an idea again, aren't you?
You know that doesn't work.
Don't fool yourself like this again.
Reality is not as sweet as your fairy-tale.
It never will be.

Try as you might to be someone else's dream come true, you cannot expect that of anyone else.
You already know this.
And it disappoints you.
That's why you create these ideas that you fall in love with.
These imaginary tales that you can envelope yourself in.
Hoping you won't be disappointed by something that isn't real.
But still you end up disappointed anyway by the fact that it isn't real.

You're in love with the journey to love.
You can say what you want about not feeling "in love" right now or not wanting to feel love for a while.
But the second you get a taste of that sweet nectar on your lips, you're like a manic addict.
Your veins expand and your heart rate increases as the dopamine races through you.
It's like steroids and you're a fiend.
You know how this is.
This isn't the first time you've done this to yourself.
Not even the second time.

That girl messed you up real bad, didn't she?
Left you addicted to the roller coaster.
Like some sort of emotional masochist.
Falling down, just for the joy of standing up again.

At least last time you didn't climb so high before you leaped.
You climbed real high this time.
And you think you've fallen most of the way down with what's happened so far.
You won't know unless you leap again.

That wasn't me trying to encourage you to do it.
You already know what I'm trying to say.
You're not entirely sure if you can stand back up after this one.
Let me tell you this:
You will stand.

That still isn't me encouraging you to leap.
But I know us better.
You will always stand.
And then you will climb even higher.
Because that's what we do.
We're fighters in that way.

Just make sure you rest and eat well.
You're going to need your energy.
I can't tell you what to do, only lend you advice...
I mean...
Who am I anyway?

Sincerely,
The voice inside your head

NoOne

Raw Vent 002

I'm searching for something that I'm not finding in you anymore.  You can feel it and you tell me that it sucks, but there's nothing I can do.  I've been patient.  I've been impatient.  I've been loving.  I've been cold.  I've run out of ideas and solutions and remedies.  I'm running out of band-aids and my blindfold is so worn out that I can see right through it.  There is no veil on this bride any longer.

I ask myself: Would I rather be alone and responsible for only myself and my pets, or with someone who loves me but depends on me for their well-being and happiness?

You're my shoulder to cry on, but you're the reason I'm crying.
Damn...I need to say that again...
You're my shoulder to cry on...but...you're the reason I'm crying.

If I wanted to raise a boy into a man, I'd birth a son.
You contradict your request that I "let you be a man" with your lack of initiative in doing the things that I need of a "man".

I AM a strong, independent woman, and I don't need no man, but I WANTED one anyway.  And I chose you to be him.

You think I hold women up on some pedestal above men.  Maybe it's because all of the women in my life are independent, and stable, and no, not perfect, but strong, and able.

There are few men in my life that I can say the same about, and the ones closest to me just aren't there yet.  They're still looking for themselves.

I attach myself to people who are trying to be something, who are actively out there in the world making themselves better.  I didn't get this far in life from hanging around with the crowd of kids that talked about their dreams.  I got this far hanging with and being one of the kids that was doing something about their dreams.  

So, no, don't hand me this boulder of your dependence on me, and ask me to hug you the same, and work just as hard, and not be tired, and stay home from work to be with you.

Ugh...

I look at you sometimes, and I feel warmth, and I wonder how I could ever think of letting you go...

And then I read these poems and rants, and I look at the unhappiness that's consuming me...

And the scale is not tipping in your favor...

So...

Again I ask myself: Would I rather be alone and responsible for only myself and my pets, or with someone who loves me but depends on me for their well-being and happiness?

Time will pass regardless.  No matter my choice, neither will change how difficult the next few months are going to be.

So I hang on... hoping that you just need more time to fix the things that I have no control over...

Because, as you already know, I've given up trying to take responsibility for the problems I didn't cause.  I know that had I been responsible for them, then I would have solved them before things got this out of hand.  I know that I am not responsible for them because nothing I do is changing the situation in any positive way...

And you know the saying about insanity...

So...

It's up to you to save us now.

NoOne

Raw Vent 001

Blah.  This probably means nothing.  Maybe it means a lot.  But it's on my mind and I need to release it.

I want to just quit so many things.  Just all of my responsibilities.  I'll keep my pets of course.  They're my babies, but everything else: my job, my relationship, my bills.  I just want to run from them (who doesn't for the bills though, lol).

Then I want to start them all fresh, with different rules, different standards, different guidelines.

Ha!

And then...in the middle of writing this, I see this video in my feed...

...okay universe...I see you seeing me...

 

NoOne

Redefining

After reading through my last post again, replying to some other ladies' posts, and just thinking about some things, I figured out another something.  (These things are piecing together rather quickly...)  I don't think it's anything super significant in the grand scheme of my purpose here, but at the same time it might  just be the most significant thing I've figured out.

What is it already!?

Just a little more backstory...

The name NoOne comes from my favorite character in Game of Thrones, Arya Stark, at a point in her life where she is trying to redefine herself.  Maybe that's why I connect with her so much.  Maybe that's why I chose "NoOne" as my name.  Maybe that's where all these feelings have resurfaced from.

I'm at a point in life (for the billionth time) where I am redefining myself.  (And it seems I always turn to blogging to figure out that redefinition.)

One of the awesome things about this time is that I'm not so alone in this.  Last time I only had my mom to bounce these thoughts off of, and this time I still have her if I need her, but I also have my bf, my best friends, and this amazing community right here.  Each serving a different purpose, and none taking any significant burden.

So, yea, someone else has probably figured that out already, that we're probably all here trying to redefine or express this thing, whatever it is, but this is my acknowledgement of it for myself. <3

NoOne

Figuring Out NoOne pt.1

Sometimes I feel like I’m supposed to just be in tons of noncommittal relationships. Lmao. I just love loving people. I love knowing where their buttons are and exactly how to push them.

I have a bf. I know him super well. But I’m not satisfied. Maybe he is too simple? Not as in unintelligent, but not complicated. His way of thinking and all are very simple at least to me. I understand him very well. Like a book I’ve read a million times.

And I think I need more.  I know I’m a sapiosexual.  Knew that since middle school lol.  He does not satisfy that in the way that I need it to be satisfied. 

He satisfies me physically. He satisfies me with comfort and acceptance and company. But there is something deep in me that is unsatiafied.

I learned recently that I love knowing people’s secrets. Not the deep dark ones. But the ones you tell only to the people who you are hoping will exploit them. Things like your most tender spot to be tickled or kissed. Or that you always wanted to go on a roller coaster but have always been afraid. I want to be the person who knows that you like being tickled there and saves that knowledge for a very specific moment. I want to be the person who surprises you with a ride on a roller coaster. I want to be that person, but for several people all in different moments.

And I want to have the freedom to slide in and out of doors, but have the value to always stay in hearts.

I don’t want to be a heartbreaker or a player. Just a lover of all people.

And I can’t have that right now. I don’t know if I’ll ever have that or anything close to it. 

But I can pretend, on the Internet.

I am no one. And I love you all.