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About this blog

A girl is no one, therefore she does not exist, and so she is not bound to the rules of this universe.

Entries in this blog

NoOne

I just want to show my girlfriend off to the world.  I'm so proud to be hers.  She's such a wonderful person.  Just absolutely amazing.  The way she thinks... the things she does... I've never met another person so closely similar to me, but so very much themselves.  Trusting me with her heart whenever she needs to spill it out to me.  And she does it so honestly and unapologetically, and accepts my heart when it needs to spill as well.  She has so much love to give unconditionally.  She's so talented and hard-working and caring and rational.  God, is she rational.  I love it.  We have the same love language.  We value and appreciate the same things in a relationship.  We're playful and clever together.  She amplifies everything about me.  I love deeper.  I laugh harder.  I sigh every other second.  With her, I'm so much better.  She inspires me to be more.  And I do the same for her.

She flew into my life so unexpectedly, and I showed her the sort of caring and lasting friendship she was longing for.  What she's given me in return is too much for words.  And I tell her everyday.  She tells me everyday.  We write letters full of I love you's just to try to capture some of this feeling, but it's just not enough.

Her heart is so pure.  Her voice makes my knees melt into the pavement.  She has me wrapped around her finger and there's no one I would trust more to do so.  Barely any time has passed, but I feel like I know her so well.  I feel like I've known her for ages.  Like she was a part of me that I never knew was missing and now I can't live without.

As many times as I've been in love before, this is so much more.  She loves me as much as I love her.  We were once the only ones putting effort into our relationships and now we are both putting our effort into this relationship equally.  Neither of us is used to it, and both of us appreciate it so much.  There's so much that can be felt from a single caring action.  We understand that.  It's the little things that matter.

I just needed to spill this out to someone.  It's so difficult to contain how happy I am about her. :blush2:

NoOne

Woah 2017

Long story short, 2017 made sure to end with a bang.

In the last three months:

I went to Hawaii. It was absolutely amazing. 

I opened up my relationship with my bf.  It's only open to women, but it's something, and because of that change...

I had my first full sexual experience with a woman and was also almost a unicorn (but, no, unicorn-ing is not my cup of tea. Women definitely ARE). Hahaha!  I definitely bat for both teams, potentially for women more than men.  At least at the moment.

I have a girlfriend.  I can't say this one enough.  I just adore her.  It's long distance, and I thought I couldn't do long distance anymore, but I had to have her for my own, and she me.  I'm going to do my best to visit her this year.  She's just too wonderful.  We don't just finish each others' sentences, we completely say what the other is thinking and it freaks us out every time.  I can't get enough of her.

:D

NoOne

Flirt

If Hozier's "Someone New" isn't the most accurate song for me right now, idk what is.  I can talk to someone for a few hours and, if they're kind, flirty, and I find them attractive, they become my favorite person for those few hours.  Luckily I don't see myself actually being with any of these random people.  Not to take away from any of them, of course; they are all quite wonderful as far as I've gotten to know them.  I just get a lot of joy from making them smile or blush.  I'm excited for our interactions.

Did a little reading on it and it's as I expected: I'm just a flirt.  Here's the best description I've found so far for what I feel:
"You are genuinely interested in people and want to make them feel like they matter and are special to you. You truly want other people to feel good and there is no manipulation of any kind going on. If anything, your flirtation serves as a means to lift yourself and another person up, because, most times, it’s a mutually beneficial exchange of smiles and excitement over connecting with each other. You’re like a modern-day saint, basically."

Ignoring that last sentence, lmao, this feels pretty accurate.

I guess that's all I wanted to say here.

NoOne

A letter to NoOne

Oh, my dear NoOne,

What are you doing to yourself now?
Falling in love with an idea again, aren't you?
You know that doesn't work.
Don't fool yourself like this again.
Reality is not as sweet as your fairy-tale.
It never will be.

Try as you might to be someone else's dream come true, you cannot expect that of anyone else.
You already know this.
And it disappoints you.
That's why you create these ideas that you fall in love with.
These imaginary tales that you can envelope yourself in.
Hoping you won't be disappointed by something that isn't real.
But still you end up disappointed anyway by the fact that it isn't real.

You're in love with the journey to love.
You can say what you want about not feeling "in love" right now or not wanting to feel love for a while.
But the second you get a taste of that sweet nectar on your lips, you're like a manic addict.
Your veins expand and your heart rate increases as the dopamine races through you.
It's like steroids and you're a fiend.
You know how this is.
This isn't the first time you've done this to yourself.
Not even the second time.

That girl messed you up real bad, didn't she?
Left you addicted to the roller coaster.
Like some sort of emotional masochist.
Falling down, just for the joy of standing up again.

At least last time you didn't climb so high before you leaped.
You climbed real high this time.
And you think you've fallen most of the way down with what's happened so far.
You won't know unless you leap again.

That wasn't me trying to encourage you to do it.
You already know what I'm trying to say.
You're not entirely sure if you can stand back up after this one.
Let me tell you this:
You will stand.

That still isn't me encouraging you to leap.
But I know us better.
You will always stand.
And then you will climb even higher.
Because that's what we do.
We're fighters in that way.

Just make sure you rest and eat well.
You're going to need your energy.
I can't tell you what to do, only lend you advice...
I mean...
Who am I anyway?

Sincerely,
The voice inside your head

NoOne

Raw Vent 002

I'm searching for something that I'm not finding in you anymore.  You can feel it and you tell me that it sucks, but there's nothing I can do.  I've been patient.  I've been impatient.  I've been loving.  I've been cold.  I've run out of ideas and solutions and remedies.  I'm running out of band-aids and my blindfold is so worn out that I can see right through it.  There is no veil on this bride any longer.

I ask myself: Would I rather be alone and responsible for only myself and my pets, or with someone who loves me but depends on me for their well-being and happiness?

You're my shoulder to cry on, but you're the reason I'm crying.
Damn...I need to say that again...
You're my shoulder to cry on...but...you're the reason I'm crying.

If I wanted to raise a boy into a man, I'd birth a son.
You contradict your request that I "let you be a man" with your lack of initiative in doing the things that I need of a "man".

I AM a strong, independent woman, and I don't need no man, but I WANTED one anyway.  And I chose you to be him.

You think I hold women up on some pedestal above men.  Maybe it's because all of the women in my life are independent, and stable, and no, not perfect, but strong, and able.

There are few men in my life that I can say the same about, and the ones closest to me just aren't there yet.  They're still looking for themselves.

I attach myself to people who are trying to be something, who are actively out there in the world making themselves better.  I didn't get this far in life from hanging around with the crowd of kids that talked about their dreams.  I got this far hanging with and being one of the kids that was doing something about their dreams.  

So, no, don't hand me this boulder of your dependence on me, and ask me to hug you the same, and work just as hard, and not be tired, and stay home from work to be with you.

Ugh...

I look at you sometimes, and I feel warmth, and I wonder how I could ever think of letting you go...

And then I read these poems and rants, and I look at the unhappiness that's consuming me...

And the scale is not tipping in your favor...

So...

Again I ask myself: Would I rather be alone and responsible for only myself and my pets, or with someone who loves me but depends on me for their well-being and happiness?

Time will pass regardless.  No matter my choice, neither will change how difficult the next few months are going to be.

So I hang on... hoping that you just need more time to fix the things that I have no control over...

Because, as you already know, I've given up trying to take responsibility for the problems I didn't cause.  I know that had I been responsible for them, then I would have solved them before things got this out of hand.  I know that I am not responsible for them because nothing I do is changing the situation in any positive way...

And you know the saying about insanity...

So...

It's up to you to save us now.

NoOne

Raw Vent 001

Blah.  This probably means nothing.  Maybe it means a lot.  But it's on my mind and I need to release it.

I want to just quit so many things.  Just all of my responsibilities.  I'll keep my pets of course.  They're my babies, but everything else: my job, my relationship, my bills.  I just want to run from them (who doesn't for the bills though, lol).

Then I want to start them all fresh, with different rules, different standards, different guidelines.

Ha!

And then...in the middle of writing this, I see this video in my feed...

...okay universe...I see you seeing me...

 

NoOne

From Afar

In another topic, there was some discussion in the general area of loving someone that isn’t actually available to you or that you aren’t available for.  I’ve been thinking about this a lot.  I think I’ve come to a point where I’m a bit addicted to loving from afar.  I love people.  I know I’ll never get to experience them all, so I allow myself to have crushes on them for a short period of time until the next one comes around.

Example? There was this dj at a celebration I went to recently. She was super cute. Long black hair, sick style, amazing eyebrows and just confidence everywhere. My bffs saw me see her, and apparently saw her see me a few times. But her gf was there too. 

By the end of the celebration, I was ready to get her info, because she really was a dope dj...(yea, my bffs don’t buy that either :P )

but she had gone already. So I asked one of the hosts for her name. I got her number instead.  As exciting as that was, I’m not one to interfere with a happy home by texting or calling her (my home is not happy right now). Plus it’s just kinda strange to me to have someone’s number i  never spoke to.

I told one of my bffs about it and she was all “oh dj [insert name here]?”  I was like “what you know her name!?”  So I found her on Instagram, followed, and let her know the music was awesome.

Who knows if I’ll ever see her again, but I’m pretty happy with this idea of a dj girl that I saw at a celebration, and can admire from afar.

NoOne

Redefining

After reading through my last post again, replying to some other ladies' posts, and just thinking about some things, I figured out another something.  (These things are piecing together rather quickly...)  I don't think it's anything super significant in the grand scheme of my purpose here, but at the same time it might  just be the most significant thing I've figured out.

What is it already!?

Just a little more backstory...

The name NoOne comes from my favorite character in Game of Thrones, Arya Stark, at a point in her life where she is trying to redefine herself.  Maybe that's why I connect with her so much.  Maybe that's why I chose "NoOne" as my name.  Maybe that's where all these feelings have resurfaced from.

I'm at a point in life (for the billionth time) where I am redefining myself.  (And it seems I always turn to blogging to figure out that redefinition.)

One of the awesome things about this time is that I'm not so alone in this.  Last time I only had my mom to bounce these thoughts off of, and this time I still have her if I need her, but I also have my bf, my best friends, and this amazing community right here.  Each serving a different purpose, and none taking any significant burden.

So, yea, someone else has probably figured that out already, that we're probably all here trying to redefine or express this thing, whatever it is, but this is my acknowledgement of it for myself. <3

NoOne

Figuring Out NoOne pt.1

Sometimes I feel like I’m supposed to just be in tons of noncommittal relationships. Lmao. I just love loving people. I love knowing where their buttons are and exactly how to push them.

I have a bf. I know him super well. But I’m not satisfied. Maybe he is too simple? Not as in unintelligent, but not complicated. His way of thinking and all are very simple at least to me. I understand him very well. Like a book I’ve read a million times.

And I think I need more.  I know I’m a sapiosexual.  Knew that since middle school lol.  He does not satisfy that in the way that I need it to be satisfied. 

He satisfies me physically. He satisfies me with comfort and acceptance and company. But there is something deep in me that is unsatiafied.

I learned recently that I love knowing people’s secrets. Not the deep dark ones. But the ones you tell only to the people who you are hoping will exploit them. Things like your most tender spot to be tickled or kissed. Or that you always wanted to go on a roller coaster but have always been afraid. I want to be the person who knows that you like being tickled there and saves that knowledge for a very specific moment. I want to be the person who surprises you with a ride on a roller coaster. I want to be that person, but for several people all in different moments.

And I want to have the freedom to slide in and out of doors, but have the value to always stay in hearts.

I don’t want to be a heartbreaker or a player. Just a lover of all people.

And I can’t have that right now. I don’t know if I’ll ever have that or anything close to it. 

But I can pretend, on the Internet.

I am no one. And I love you all.