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About this blog

a place to stash all the things I want to say about stuff but don't feel the need to bother people in the forums with

Entries in this blog


Me in a nutshell

I have found the perfect image to show how one half of my brain feels about the other in regards to the stupid decisions I make whilst online dating... Because I was dumb and naive and listened to my terminally optimistic sister in law (who I love to death,  don't get me wrong) I liked a girl on okcupid that I'd had my initial message on bumble time out on. Her reasoning was that I sent the message on 4th of July so maybe this girl hadn't had a chance to check her messages before it timed out. I was reluctant to believe it but then when the same girl popped up on okcupid, I (with the encouragement of my sister in law and against the one part of my brain screaming at me not to be a pscyho) decided to try again. Nothing happened so that was that. Then this morning, several days later, I get a message saying that this girl liked me. Hooray, right? No...no..not hooray... Because when I go to hit the notification, I get an error that says the person has either deleted their account or put it on private. And it was then that the wise words of Wayne came to me....   I wish you weren't so fucking awkward, bud...

Awkward...but not for me...

So, remember that chick who ghosted me? You do? Good Because I saw her at the grocery store on Friday   My mom and I were up at the grocery store on Friday and we ran into my aunt at the one entrance so we stood off to the side to chat, as you do. Well, after we were done, my mom wanted to pick something up from the small display that was down by the self checkouts so I went to follow her with the cart. Nothing weird... ...until I looked up to see ex-lady friend. To be honest, I probably wouldn't have even really noticed her except she had very obviously spotted me and was working extremely hard to blend in with the distinctly crowd-less area she was in. I mean I was worried she'd give herself neck damage with how hard she had her head turned to the side and that she might run into the wall for not looking where she was going.  Part of me was a bit shocked that she was going to such lengths to avoid me. What? Did she think I was going to invade her personal space and bother her? Because if that's what she thought, I'm also a bit offended. I am a grown woman capable of respecting people's choices. I wouldn't bother someone who has made it clear that they don't want anything to do with me. Another part of me thought this was hilarious. Because, honey, don't think that I need to chase after you. You're nice and all but I'm not going to bend over backwards to impress someone who doesn't want me. And maybe it's a bit mean of me, but I'm (not so) secretly enjoying this little encounter because I think being starkly reminded that just because you ghost someone doesn't mean you won't see them around town is a fitting reward for not having the balls to handle a situation like this like an adult.  

Interlude - Gardening

Taking an interlude from the turmoil of my love life...I finally made my raised garden beds! I'm am super excited. I've been planning on doing this for years but I've never you know....actually started the process. Which is really a shame since I have prime building materials sitting right there in my yard. My uncle used to work for the railroad so he was able to snag a nice pile of big ass wooden railroad ties. Now that he's older, he gave them to my dad who in turn gave me the go ahead to use them to make these babies: I'll tell you what, those bastards were heavy o.O For the longer ones (a little over 8 ft each) it took me and my brother to lift them up onto the bucket of the tractor. It was a lot of work but totally worth it in the end. Next step...dirt

Shouldn't Have Thought About It Too Long...

I made a mistake today... I woke up about 15 minutes before my alarm and instead of getting up and just starting my day early, I let myself lay in bed and think about my relationship problems. Repeat after me, everyone: Because now I'm mad. I have dated four people (an outrageously high number, I know...), two men and two women. Or, should I say, I've attempted to date one man and two women because out of these four relationships, three of them have ended the same. I realized that the other person was not into me because they made no efforts whatsoever after the first week or so of getting to know each other but they didn't have the guts to tell me they weren't interested. So eventually, I wait to see if they will text me back without me asking for a response...and I never hear anything from them again. In case anyone was thinking "Well, wait just a minute, lady; what happened to the other guy?" Well, man #2 was actually interested in me very much but I was sadly not attracted to him at all so I called him and told him it wasn't going to work out...like the goddamn considerate adult I am. And that leads into what I'm pissed about this morning. What about me is so horrible/annoying/boring/etc that I am not entitled to the common courtesy of being told "Sorry, I'm just not into this anymore"?  I am very upfront when I date people. I tell them that I am very slow on the uptake on nonverbal social cues so if you need me to know something, it's best to actually tell me what they are thinking/want. And at the time they all say the same thing "Oh, that's great to hear. I hate it when people don't tell me what they are thinking. I'll definitely do that"... And they never motherfucking do... It just makes me so angry to think about. I know that I can be a bit annoying and I tell people that it's okay to tell me to back off. I won't be offended because I know that I'm bad with noticing that oh, it's time to calm down a bit. So even though I am upfront with how I function as a person, it's like they are shocked and pissed liked I lied to them. It's the only explanation I can think of why I apparently don't deserve the courtesy of a text telling me that things just aren't working out. And it makes me sad too. I'm always being told (even by the people that eventually ghost me) that I'm "so nice" and "a great person to be around" but then why does everything always end the same? Are people lying to me to spare my feelings? Because if they are, my feelings don't feel very spared when I have to go through this all the time. It actually hurts a lot to be lied to to build me up when it's starting to seem like it's not true considering the physical evidence I have. Because, if there's something wrong with how I act, how am I supposed to correct it without someone being upfront about it?     So yeah...lesson learned, next time just get the fuck out of bed....

I think I'm missing something

Well, this could be my crazy person paranoia talking here but I'm starting to think I've misread this situation... I'm thinking the attraction levels between myself and my lady friend are unbalanced. I've noticed that the amout of texting in our interactions is decidedly one sided but, to play devil's advocate, she has mentioned she's known to be less than stellar at responding to texts. Then this past week I asked of she wanted to go for a walk this weekend since it's been so nice. She said yes and so I asked time/place but then no answer but she did respond to other texts so I thought "okay, that's good though". Cut to Saturday morning, I text asking if she wanted to meet today. Once again no answer until I text that night saying that I guess today wasn't a good day. Then she answers saying that she had to help her dad which is totally fine, I understand so I ask if she'll be free Sunday. I haven't heard from her since. Now I know that it's entirely possible something just came up but I know from past conversations that she doesn't like confrontation. At the time I reassured her that if she felt uncomfortable or anything to let me know, I would hate to know I was forcing my attention on someone who didn't want it.  So now I'm torturing myself with the thought that she's been trying to subtly signal me that she's not interested and my social bull in a china shop self can't pick up the signs. It also doesn't help that we have yet to have a date where we can *really* talk. (All dates have been in really public areas and while she isn't in the closet while I mostly am, the issues is the area we live in is very conservative so while a straight couple would have no trouble having an in depth conversation in these locations, us on the other hand...you get the picture) I guess normally I wouldn't be so upset but I really like her. Obviously if she isn't interested anymore, I will happily fuck off, I just hoped that things would be going better at this point. *melancholy sigh* I guess I'll just have to wait and see if she ever texts me back again...

it's a small world

About a month or so ago, a friend of mine went to a yoga class at our local YMCA. It was a nice class and we had a good time. However, between the combination of the coming new year's resolution workout crowd and the instructor's announcement that that particular class was her last one since she was going to be having her baby soon, that was our only time going to that yoga class. Now you're probably wondering what this has to do with my previous blog entries...well, flash forward to today. I was talking with my lady friend and I mentioned I wanted to get back into yoga. She asked if I went to a class or if I did yoga at home and I told her that I usually did it at home but I did go to a class one time. I gave a brief rundown of going to the class and why I hadn't been back yet and didn't think anything of it. And then I found out that my lady friend had been at that class too! But wait there's more... Because right after that revelation the conversation moved on and I mentioned how cute she was (we've been snapchatting and seriously, she's soooo pretty). It was then that she mentioned that when she saw me in class, she thought I was cute too!!! *Double Gasp! So yeah, I'm having a pretty good day now.




first date

Well after much scheduling trial and error, I finally went on a first date with my new potential lady-friend! We had planned on going to coffee this past Saturday but then when I texted that morning to double check we were still on (she'd been having car trouble all week) she suggested going either to Sunday brunch or drag bingo (aka awesome bingo for a good cause wherein a fabulous and fabulously funny drag queen is the bingo caller). I had no idea that drag bingo existed but I know I would definitely do it again. It was so fun! I was so happy with how the date went. She is super nice and funny; we had a great time chatting about our crappy coworkers and about how awesome drag bingo is.  My new potential lady-friend is also very pretty and very tall (seriously, I feel short next to her and considering I'm 5'7'', that's an accomplishment indeed makes me extremely happy *dramatic swoon*).   After bingo we stood out in the parking lot and talked more, I think we would've stood there longer if it hadn't been for the fact it was absolutely freezing out. We're still texting and it's more frequent than before which I figure is a good sign. I'm really looking forward to seeing her again




super excited

I didn't want the clutter up the forums so I thought I just put this here so I can be excited somewhat in public...I'm talking to a girl on a dating site And things seems to actually be going well. She's not super far way from me, she seems super nice, and I'm really hoping that we actually get to the point of meeting up.  It's been such a long time since I've been attracted to someone on a dating site (probably because I was sticking to men and my attraction to men seems to be very very low anymore), let alone someone who seems to share that attraction, I really hope this works out.True, if this works out I have to have The Conversation with my dad finally but for now, I'm very happy. That's it. I just needed to get that out so I don't accidentally explode at work and blurt it out to my blissfully unaware coworkers...



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