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a small rant

I've noticed a lot of people put their current situation on here. As much as I would love to post about it, I kind of just want to write it in a blog entry. Its just easier for me sometimes. Because I'll ramble and probably drift off topic which I'm known to do.  But after having a conversation with one of my friends last night, i came to realize something. My husband and I have been together since I was 19. (I'm 31) Married for five years, together for seven. When we first started dating, sex wasn't an issue. It really wasn't. I wanted it all the time basically. No matter what time of day or time at night. Sex was a constant. I'd wear sexy lingerie, wouldn't even bother with clothes at night. I was pretty insatiable at times. 

After awhile for reasons I can't remember, my husband got tired of sex. Didn't want it as often or have us talk about it as often. The foreplay started to die down, dirty talk was pretty much over and I was left feeling like I had done something wrong. So my sex drive took a huge nose dive. I wasn't even interested in masturbating anymore. I used to be vocal, that died down too. I began to lose myself and my desire all to make him happy.  When I started to feel lost, I started to become more involved online. I made friends, wrote stories and started to discover that sexy side of me again. But then another problem started to form. My husband wanted all of the focus during sex to be on him. Having his needs met to make sure that he was happy. This has gotten so bad that literally before he left on his business trip, I made sure to blow him so he wouldn't be mad. (we had gotten into an argument hours earlier).  My husband has expressed in the past that he wanted to involve a third person. Have a threesome or just add someone to our marriage. Which I'm not okay with. Not so much because of the sex. If he wants to sleep with someone else, I'm okay with it. But for two reasons. One being it would be someone he chose. Someone that he could relate to. Two, it would be someone that didn't play with me but focused on him. Then the idea that someone would come in and start claiming that they'd be better for him and by fault better for my son. that's where I'd have the issue. (not the better for him part. I made my peace with him finding someone else if he really wanted to. But I'm not going to let anyone take away my son.) Because I know how it would play out because my husband is not a man that you want as an enemy. He will point blank tell you that he's an asshole, he's not going to change. He will forever be an asshole. This isn't me being mean to him. This is something he will tell anyone. 

Because of all this, I just want someone, a friend or someone I can grow a deep connection with, that is only my friend. But not someone that interacts with him. Is it selfish? Yeah, but I'm willing to admit to that. I'm not going to make any excuses or try to justify why I stay. I have my reasons and there is a part of me that does love him. But I know that I can't keep doing this to myself. That I have to have some freedom to make friends and be more social. 

my journey

I didn't always know that I was bi. I had clues about it growing up. Like once I pretended I didn't know the difference between a cube and a cylinder in elementary because I thought our sub was really pretty and I was one of the top students in that class. No joke. I literally managed to trick her into thinking that I needed a lot of help. Then in high school there was this girl that I had a crush on. Her and I were in different crowds but she always said hi to me and gave me hugs. She was awesome. Nothing really came out of it. Out of fear that she might reject me? Probably. Plus I was confused about my own sexuality. 
   I was never sexually active in high school. I honestly was that girl. The girl that everyone wanted to be friends with but didn't want to taint her innocence. Yes, this was many reasons why guys I was interested looked the other way. They didn't want to be that guy. It sucked but I had a lot of guy friends. They always looked out for me so it wasn't all that bad I suppose. I mean, I learned about masturbation from a book. So even then, I didn't even realize what the fuss was about. I probably could have shown interest in girls. Again though, I pushed away any thought that I could possibly be bi. It just wasn't something that I was willing to admit. Both sides of my families weren't exactly open to that at the time. my cousin thought she was bi. Even dated a girl in high school. But then my aunt sent her to this...therapy group to basically make her see the light? Because one minute she was bi, the next time she wasn't. 
   When I dated my first serious boyfriend, that's when I thought started to really think that I was. But after one bad innocent with my dorm mate, I pretty much stayed silent again. She didn't feel comfortable being in the same room as me. So I basically switched with her friend. I never really admitted my interest anymore after that. I did get into lesbian porn, found it more fascinating than straight porn. My reason always being is that I had a guy to have sex with. So I know the fuss when it comes to that. But not when it comes to being with another woman. Though I never actively tried to find another woman to have fun with. I just kept things to myself because I felt like I wasn't all that interesting. My current relationship pretty much shut me down to be open with anyone. At least at the start of the relationship, he's at times open for me to talk to someone else as long as he knows who that person is. Still I don't really tell him all that much. He tends to judge fairly quickly. I have a friend who is a healthy poly relationship. She has her husband and her boyfriend and they're slowly getting more active in poly activities. I talked to my husband once about her. Big mistake. So i never said anything again.
   Recently after the loss of my grandfather, I've started to realize that I'm not happy with my current situation. I would love to have someone to connect with on an emotional level. But as I said in my previous blog entry, I don't know if I will be able to meet someone. I'm not giving up hope. But I'm also a realist? I think that's how you spell that.  I'm married and have a son who will probably rely on me the rest of his life. I don't want anyone to ever feel burdened by being my friend. Which hurts for me to say. 

inner thoughts

Its been a long time since I wrote in an online blog. I always tend to keep my thoughts to myself or in my journals. Even then I feel like I have to shelter those thoughts in risks that my husband will read them. Its quite sad for me to not be able to express myself because I'm afraid that people might not be interested. I stay silent, always listening and being that friend always there for another. I can't even open myself up to another woman because I'm afraid that somehow and in some way my husband will find out. I thought I had one friend that I could trust with anything and yet the things I told her in private somehow got back to him. Then I'm made to feel guilty for my thoughts and not sharing the same sentiment as him that there should be no secrets between us and that I should only ever go to him and no one else about my personal feelings and issues. 
   I'm worried and afraid to put myself out there and make a friend. One valuable and that I can tell anything to. Only because I don't think its fair for them to have to see me go through this never ending cycle and have to understand that there will be days that I won't be able to talk to them. It doesn't seem fair at all. Yet I crave it. A woman that I can talk to openly about anything that goes through my head. Even if we don't share the same opinions, it would still be nice to just speak my mind.    I know I'm rambling again but I think this is best for me. If I can't put my thoughts elsewhere, maybe they'd be safe here. 
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