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About this blog

insites, questions and hopefully some self discovery

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My journey so far

It all began back in 2009 when I found this site, I hid it from my hubby for two days.  Then confessed all, which forced me to make my first comment on my sexuality - that at the time I was definitely bi curious.  After arranging to meet up with some of the more local friends I'd made on here.  I went along to my first BiFest in Birmingham, that day after listening to everyone else and being able to freely discuss my thoughts and feelings I realised that yes I was in fact BISEXUAL all along.  I started to come out to people who were the very close near and dear, but hubby asked me to be discreet, as he didn't want bitch fit waves started in his family. I respected that, wasn't too happy about it but I understood and went along with it for him, especially as he was open and supportive in every other way.  

I became like a teenager again, exploring online dating, discovering bi nights at swingers clubs - great for the more casual itch scratching with no strings and you can lock the men out!  Even figured out I'd been harbouring BDSM leanings too, whole new discovery path of joy that has been.  

Went on my first two dates ever, with girls I'd met on dating sites.  Both separately turned into short term casual involvements.  The first a lovely lesbian lady who isn't bifobic, and I'm still friends with even now.  The second was a short lived relationship of sorts, still not 100% on what went wrong but it was fun while it lasted.  Not to mention a string a casual making up for lost time action here and there, with casual involvements.  Every year attending pride and loving that I could be 100% open for one day and not care who knew.  

I even came out to my son, who has been hugely supportive from a young age.  He sees no issue at all with my sexuality or relationship choices - I'm so lucky.  

Then a good year or two of not much, after the short lived serious involvement.  A new dating app for girls came along, and I found my current gf.  We've been together a year and a half ish now.  And so much has changed, hubby eventually told some of his family - which I'm certain lead to his dad feeling comfortable enough to finally out himself too.  I still don't dance naked shouting from the roof tops, but I am more myself and don't have to always make excuses anymore - which is way more comfortable for me.  And means I can be fairly openly public with my sexuality, my neighbours being the last nosy fuckers who gossip and could do damage being left really.  

So that brings me to now.  Where I think I'm approaching the edges of splits ville with the gf, more recently I've realised bits of us as a couple are really unhealthy, toxic even.  I knew from the start we wouldn't last forever, as I was her first ... but I guess it's a watch this space and see how it goes.  


Hello there readers, followers or only just come across it'ers.


I have loads to get off my chest -


WOW nearly a year since I last posted anything to my blog eek! Well loads has happened and I have been away enjoying my life, not all of it has been good or lasting but most of it has been fun.


So working from the most recent backwards seems like the best plan ....


I have started a YouTube make up advice and recommendations channel, mainly aimed at the trans market but equally useable for those who are also into make up regardless of gender. Currently having camera issues as my iphone doesn't have enough free space and the new digital camcorder I bought now doesn't work! IT will be going back after the bank holiday!!


I have started to promote my business to the trans market, I've always more than happily seen trans or crossdessing customers but recently one of my new customers told me I should advertise specifically at them. Which I am now doing, but have discovered in the process that I girl I met lately and seem to have had a bit of a messy whirl wind involvement with (more on that later), is also starting a business in my area aimed at the same market - now initally it wasn't a problem as she was approching it from a totally different angle and we didn't clash with what we offered. I have been in business for myself for the last 8yrs as both a professional freelance make up artist and a qualified beauty theapist (two seperate lots of training and both VERY different). This girl in my area it seems in the last 3 wks to have desided to under cut me and to promote other people who cover my expertise - Which if I totally honest has pissed me off a bit - I think she sees it as I don't live close so it's not my patch, but I have covered the whole of the county and neighbouring ones for years, I also suspect that our involvement that whent messy has something to do with her now stepping all over me .... I get easily offened when it comes to my job, what I'm good at and work hard at to support my family every day for the last 8 yrs, to some you may thing oh move past it - but the industry I work in is cut throte .... which I hate being but it looks like I'm going to have to so I don't loose clients.


The messy involvement .... We met while both being catwalk models for a fetish/alternative market, we had instant chemistry OMG she was so beautiful and still is. She like myself has a partner and family.... I thought she is perfect. She was looking for samething to me, a female to be involved with who understands that our families will always come first ..... I thought more than perfect - exactly what I'm after, we get on similar interests sexually attracted to each other........ WELL after a whirl wind few weeks where we seemed to have grown very close, I was daft enough to take a good friends advice and ask her to be my girlfriend on her birthday...... Bold move you say - infact TOO bold it seems, I accept that taking it in and of course discussing it with her partner was to be expected - The responce I get is "I don't want anything excussive, because I have my own family" ... Well duh I know that, so do I and I'm married so that clearly cannot be .... I reply something along those lines but nicer of course and point out that as I consider myself to be poly (in my case only other women are involved be they casually or as an additional relationship) there is clearly no chance of exclussivity - on reflextion here I was maybe a little unintensionally harsh, as I feel like a knocked back teenager, I was certainly behaving like one according to my hubby. So I may have got her back up? I don't know, but this was the mess ..... She then didn't speak to me for three weeks or more (we had been speaking every day), so I figured too much too fast giver some space and see what happens. Well the other night she finally texts me a reply to a message then calls me out of the blue shortly after....I was meant to be staying over at hers so we could both attend an event where we were to promote our businesses, she tells me I'm no longer able to stop as she has family coming who will also be at said event - I think fine, will make it more difficult for me but not impossible (difficult is an understatement - bloody sunday service nightmere that was Good friday!). Anyway I eventually get there several hours late and can't stop long as getting back was being hell - Yep she was busy working promoting herself and her new business 'I accept that', but other than a comment of "you look like a doll" that was the only acknowledgement I got, I spoke more with her mother and mother-in-law (both also there) .... her own mum was suprised I wasn't staying at hers! Not to mention the distinct lack of the family she mentioned would be staying at hers ...... NOW I AM NO MUG, that was the rudested lying brush off ever! and to add further insult to injury ... she then starts promoting another business similar to my own, in the place that was supposed to be for me >>>> I know thats life and I shouldn't let it bother me, but it does and that hurt!


For those of you who know me on facebook, you'll know my car broke down and I have been without a car now for the last 6 wks! :( I blew the head gasket, so public transport has become my only mode of getting about. I'm have a reall ball ache trying to get anyone indervidual or garage to fix my car as I cannot afford twice the price to take it to the main dealers.


I seems to have been dragged semi willingly into the fetish scene >>>>There are lots of hot Bi women on the fetish scene<<<<<< I know it's not everyones cup of tea and like all tea can come at different strenghts, but I like it so far having found a few female play mates ;) but sadly nothing very lasting .... It seems I have a pattern of not being very commitable to even just for regular hook ups/booty calls. ANY WAY I have discovered the delights of sensation play, rope (tying people up) and the extreamly sexy things you can do to people with a sharp knife - WITHOUT cutting them, I'll add here - OMG SO sexy and of course consensual.


I have dabbled with sex clubs - REALLY NOT my thing, but you don't know if you don't try. If causual sex with any old randomer is what your after then knock yourself out. My advice to those who may want to try them - do your research if possible don't go alone (certainly to the night club type) and SAFE sex all the way!!


Designed and presented a talk for Victim Supports LGBT conference about bisexuality, went down really well and they are now using a lot of my links and details now around the country :) to help people and to educate volunteers.


Erm yep I think my last post was along the lines of get out there if you want to find a woman as you won't find one hidding behind a computer .... VERY true I have met some lovely ladies, as friends as fuck buddies and random snogs on a night out - none of which would have happened sat at the computer pining for it.


Well I think I will leave it there for now, have fun all x


Annoyingly following a whole bunch of viruses on my computer in late 2010 early 2011, I now have VERY limited access to this website as it doesn't seem to agree with my computer anymore. Some days - like now - I can access more than just shout box without the page crashing. I tried to access and stay updated from my iPhone initially, but now the mobile internet version is all I can view and that doesn't allow full access to this site :threaten: :sad0129: :th_help:


So my main reason for this post is to let friends and followers know that my absence is due to my computer, not because I have given up on you all x


I saw one of my customers while shopping in town today, I last saw her just before Christmas. Anyway she tells me that I look different and askes what I have changed about myself - the truth is nothing about my visual apperence has changed, maybe my delight a having truly entered the mildly experienced relm of sex with women, is more obviouse to other than I though. It has certainly boosted my confidence anyway prehaps thats what she could see.


My kiss and tell all. TMI WARNING lol.


Okay, I was out last night with my friend and her hubby, we had meet up to exchange pressies for Christmas and have a drink and a catch up before family festive hits. Anyway we all ended up in our favorite rock pub where I started feeling brave, I stole a kiss from the VERY sexy bar girl and gave her my number! Well anyway my friends left earlyish as they had both been at work yesterday (can't blame them, but was fab to see them), SO There had been a lady giving me the eye and smiles all night. We got chatting and she bought me a drink then we snogged on my iniation to ward off creepy guys then I felt I best tell her I was bi, she seemed pleased and then verbally obsessed with my boobs lol. We went out to the smoking area again to rid us of creepy guy, while out there she felt the urge to kiss me again. I need to go to the loo and as we were going back inside she followed me - then dragged me into the cubical, where we had some very hot and steamy action :confused0068: :evilgrin0039: She informs me all she wants to do is take me home and get it on some more in her bed. Well we end up leaving the pub and I found myself willingly been taken back to hers. Here begins so comady stuff to :)


We arrive at her house to find her child still up and the babysitter gone! (I'll add here the child is not really young). After my lady and her child finish banter about 'go to bed', we find ourselves confined to the livingroom and the sofa (no so bad). So amist the insuing action I manage to loose the ball off new lip piercing, then the piercing fell out! I then became mildly paranoid about totally letting myself fully enjoy the action (as I know I can squirt and so didn't want to do so on her sofa!) But made sure she enjoyed herself - though I expected a female orgasum to feel different or maybe she faked!? I duno she seemed to enjoy it all.


Well in truth I wanted my first time with a lady to be a bit more special, but instead it became semi drunken lustful fumblings. Don't get me wrong I enjoyed it, but feel it could have been better - I suppose it will with practice, like it did with guys.


She asked me if I was dom or sub, and I honestly don't know - with guys I seem to be dom but like to switch it up too.



Well here endeth my condenced kiss and tell while saving some details just for my savouring pleasure :evilgrin: :dribble:


:yahoo: So no more am I a bi virgin.


I have been inspired to add a little rockabily styling to my look and loving it, with what I do work wise returning to a mohican or a skin head are not very suitable lol but multi coloured bandanas and scalfs are helping me feel like me again BOLD :D


Moving to working from home means I hardly wear a work uniform anymore YAY as I felt that made me feel like I had lost my sence of identity as I was wearing a uniform of diifering discriptions nearly every day, not of which were flattering in any way.


So what else makes me feel good?...

1. Hugs (real time ones)

2. tender passing touches

3. talking to real friends

4. going out with real friends - though money wont always allow

5. curling up on the sofa under a soft blanket to watch a DVD - others welcome but no talking lol

6. munchie food when I feel down but have to be careful otherwise I get spots and usually do lol

7. dressing hot to go out on the town

8. doing my make up for a night out

9. Wearing sensual purfumes...




Need to get my act together with my idea of 'music to strip to' start a thread... yeah when I've finished this, don't want anyone stealing my idea lol.


Shybi speed dating - not my idea but still its a good one, maybe it could be an event held in chat watched over by a willing mod(s). Then at the discression of participants to then meet for real mmm food for thought.


I vagely recall my dear friend and site mod Satehen suggesting my being a mod! Can't for the life of me remember why, I was drinking at the time lol, plus I have been to sleep since then. :D





Yep I can confirm that the first attraction to women I can remember were when watching Beatle Juice and I saw Weona Ryder (so can't spell so fuck it), Oh Madonna in the 80's and I suppose for there out a general appreciation for sexy looking women - why could I not read my own signs!??


I sexually over excited by dirty texting or messaging be it a male or female I am communicating with - BUT it never goes further than that, shame wish it would with women.


I love being a big flirt, and I'm getting better at it with women I think, at least I am managing available signals to them anyway lol its a start.



That will do for now :D


So plans then:


My friends birthday is the week before mine and this year we will have a weekend each lol as that is the way the cookie crumbles in 2011 :) So we will be out for her birthday plans yet to be finalised.


For my birthday weekend I plan to go to a stip club! yay, need to start saving.


Well I've also bagged a bargin on my London hotel room for the following weekend when I go to an annual trade show for work, so will be out on the town in the big smoke for two nights this year.


I tried to post this from my phone but it failed misirably :(


So I went out at the weekend with my friends, and as usual I out partied them (I seem to out party everyone, haven't met anyone who can keep up with me). But brfore my friends left this lady/girl started to dance up and around me - my mates pointed out that I had pulled. After they had left and I was up dancing again, she came over again. Each time this REALLY not my type guy was trying to get in on the action - I was having none of it! Well he seemed to be with her, in what manner I may never know. But he spoke to her and went out the back of the pub she asked me if I was lesbian to which I replied "no I'm bi". She jumped on me and promptly snogged my face off! But thats all it was, still nice though.


Anniversery Weekend

Well 14 yrs ago today I met my now husband and we became married 6 yrs ago yesterday.


Normally on celebrating these two events thanks to him, they are usually VERY uneventful ... but this year, he has changed. Still not rushed out to buy cards and gifts etc but he choose what we were to do (lol sex and rent some dvds for a movie night in at home with booze and munchies), and ... get this ... has given me the money on the day to treat myself to my own gift idea of a new piercing WHOOT!


I know its far from romantic, but I'm happy and thats all that really matters. Plus bless him he gets well miffed for me when I have crushes or interests etc with women that don't work out. To me that is so sweet!


Boing Of Excitement

The lady I have talked about before going by the site name of 'subway girl' has invited me to a party tomorrow night at a friend of her's. Her friend so happens to be the daughter of one of my old tutors when I first went back to collage in 2003 - so subway girl used this as her reason for inviting me I think. Even if it is never more than just friends she is a friend I'd like to keep, as she is my type of person and nothing false about her.


I don't know what to wear?? Very unlike me!!


Hi there dear readers, lol.


Well last night I had the time of my life at the end of the evening. I was out with two female friends one of whom is also bi. We started off in the Gay Village in Birmingham then meyandered off via a pizza/burger style eatery, to go and crash a mutal male friends stag do which so happened to be ending the night in a stip club!


Boaring details of the stag do aside, the bar lady who served me was topless with a mighty fine set of boobies.

There was a tall long haired blond with the most amazing legs :dribble: who was stutting her thing on the main stage pole.

And...the first girlI noticed on my way in who wasn't the hot black girl escorting a guy (mmmm), but this dark haired pale skinned rocker chick wearing a very fattering see though red bra and french knickers :evilgrin0039: :dribble: :spiteful:


Well to get to the meat of my tale -

So I saw the girl in red over by the stag lads and asked my DH if he minded me getting a private dance to which he said no (YAY!!) so I went over to the guys and the hot looking lady, managed to steal her attention away, then when I asked for a dance got led away by the hand much to the lads miffedness hehe.

I got a two for one dance (so it lasted longer), she was pleased to get just a girl on here own :D and seemed to like me (but thay may well have been because its her job but hey it was fun).

To the details of the dance then WOW, on TV you see girls dance at a moderate distance - she was right on top of me :D :dribble: boobs over my face and rubbing on to my own (which she loved), she nibbled my neck and my ear (which totally drives me wild), removed ALL of her two items of clothing! Man she had a cute peachy bum.

One time when she boobed my face I had to get a cheeky lick in :evilgrin:

When she started her pole dance after rejoined the main bar, I got dragged out but a DH who was now board and wanted to go home grr she was fab on the pole too, well what I did get to see and to some decent rock music too.


Boy oh boy oh boy did I drift off to sleep in a happy mood last night.


:yahoo: :yes2: :wow:


Well as readers will know I have the past 3 weeks been freting about the fact that the landlord of the premises my business is in, he has stated he wants me out by the end of July and that I was pay him rent arreas of £1041.98!! well I knew I didn't owe him that much at most it was only a few months.


So today I have finished going through the past 5 years of accounts and bank statements to compile a spread sheet of what was due, paid and differences...to my delight it turns out I have OVER paid by £812.98 so I am owed money by the landlord!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I have written him a nice snotty letter demanding a refund and informing him he has broken the law regarding my notice to vacate, suttally suggesting he speak to a solicitor.....so HA UP HIS!!!!


This has made my day :D my grandad said take it to small claims if he doesn't want to pay up.


Well some readers will already know from my rants on facebook, that I have had more bad luck/news.


The landlord of the shop I rent for my beauty salon came to see me last week to tell me he wants me out in 5 weeks!! I have since been to see a solicitor who informs me that it is not lawful, as my lease tenancy has been held over both of us are still bound by its conditions - meaning that my landlord must serve me with a formal written notice to vacate with 3 months notice NOT 5 WEEKS!!


This news has really annoyed me, but trying to stay with my posative outlook, I'm wondering if life is trying to tell me something? Everyone keeps saying "aww thats terrrible, well things can only get better" but each time I hear that something new goes wrong! I must be missing something or really pissed someone off lol.


As far as my business goes, finding a new shop at the price I pay per month will be near impossible as I don't pay very much at all for the 3 rooms I have. So my plan is to put what I can into storeage, keep only what I need to work and move it into my spare room at home (it's a beauty business) or offer mobile visits again. Then to keep my lunch time customers a hair salon down the road has agreed to let me moonlight out of there for a while. This I hope will keep me going in the short term as this is my busiest time of year (TYPICAL). On the plus side I will have less overheads but I will also loose a lot of custom.


So I now have the mamouth task of clearing the spare/store room at home then emptying a three room shop into it and my mum's garage - while trying not to interupt my customers between now and then!


Little bit wierd and wild but all in a good way. Not everyone likes me when they first meet me but as they get to know me, we have always become really good friends. I am a friends for life type of a person unless you really offend me which is hard to do.I love my family and friends they always have my help and support when needed.I get very silly when over tired and will randomly burst in song or start doing impressions of tv show charaters or similar. I have had my own Bevis and Buthead moment of really overload when I took the max dose of proplus once and they all kicked in at once lol was very funny.I have piercings and tattoo's, each one of my tattoo's has it own meaning, feel free to ask me about them.I am one of those people who has an opinion on everything and not scared to talk about it. I love to learn be it formal education or just a casual passing of knowledge of any type.I have been inspired to list things I like and interest me after reading something similar on a profile, so here goes:I love history, and fantasising about what life was like then, all periods from the late 30's backwards.I love the sound of the country (but not always the smell lol).I enjoy playing (yes at 30) or walking in forests. Truly still a kid at heart.I love to drive long distance, petrol money allowing of course.Multi coloured sunset skys in purples blues oranges and reds.My favorite colours are deep purples, deep reds, highlighter pen pink and a staple of black lol.I have a fetish for soft kissable skin, especially cheeks.I get a kick out of people watching, we are so interesting.I love to thing and discuss what an animal it thinking or communicating with you lol silly but funny.Summer storms.Learning something new or teaching someone else.Reading or being read too (being dyslexic, I loose the focus sometimes if reading myself unless its realy good).Drinking outside on summer days, but don't get to do it much anymore.Living for today or trying too.Making other people feel good.Architecture there are some amazing buildings old and new.Art deco and art nouveau, and I know the difference!Going to little cafe's or eataries for tea and cake.Camping, I try to go once a year at least.Cuddles - I can't live without them.Tattoos and piercings.I have a weekness for alternative/rock/punk looking girls but not limited to.Getting dirty while being creative, be it paint glue or something else.I am honest, caring, and wild


Okay here goes, I'm a lot happier at the moment even though given what is going on most people would think I shouldn't be.


Me and dh have mended our fences following a HUGE fall out, I think a female friend of ours who knew him first has had something to do with it and if so I'm pleased.


I had a hospital appointment yesterday as a follow up to my doctor diagonsing me with polymyalgia rhumatica. So I arrive for an early appointment and the specialist was very nice (rare round here). He tells me it is very unlikely that my own GP's diagnosis is correct (to which I told him there is always a first time), instead he suspects I may have lupas and has done a massive amount of blood tests making my poor arm look like a junkies! He has also put me on some more medication and asked me to come back in two months for repeat blood tests and then another appointment with him in three months. Which is to allow time for full investigation and diagnosis. I was also given an injection into my spine via the neck of steroids which was very painful but has minimized some of the pain.


Now you can see why maybe I wouldn't be happy but really I am because things are better with dh and the medical issues are now FINALLY being looked into which is all possative stuff in my book.


The subway girl (works in subway shop), woohoo in chat today as she let me wax her underarms at work (my job).

We some how got to dicussing wether or not I check out my customers (being a beauty therapist 80% of my job and make up artist the other 20%), and I said no I don't as I just switch off and do my job except once...subway girl asked me was he fit?...I replied it was a she and it was her legs that made me melt and that I've decided that ts fine to like both men and women...she replied isn't that greedy?...I said no not really lol...she says I tried it once with a girl when drunk with a friend but it was weired...I say I had an experience similar years ago.


So I have sutally told her I'm bi she has implied she might be or is YAY!


Then she stood there in just her bra for ages talking to me ... I think willing me to check her out. Then did seem to want to leave (not complaining here) and we talked and chatted for ages to the point that her bf called to see where she had got too! She seems to be very flirty which is fun :unsure:


Now I know its a slow process and the lacking personal finance isn't helping otherwise I would be hot on the heals of a few women (not at the same time mind).


Now I have a true head over heals crush on a shy - she knows who she is, meeting her in person made me like her even more so. Saddly we have a great distance between us, but she is still my pedistool girl so to speak and if it were to happen I'd be there in heartbeat.


I am drawn to another shy who I have also met in person and she is lovely, I have no idea if she knows but she might. Alass she too while at least is in this country lives quite a distance away - doable though for travel.


Now I am also finding myself drawn to some other very lovely ladies from shy's, some who I have met some I haven't - this place is full of women lol.


There are two shy's I like but are off limits ladies - one knows who she is and the other well I really don't know but she lives the bottom end of the country, but I would much rather have them as friends in my life than not at all.


Then there is the local subway girls lol no idea if she is bi or not, but I love her personality we are becoming friends it seems which is always good.



So many women yet so few lol = I have none.


I have had offers from bi and bicuriouse friends but I have moral issues there as both are married and hubby's know nothing, that and I'm not attracted to them - love them both as friends though (except the one has blanked me because I said no - childish).


I have no desire to jump into bed with the first offer I get, I want to be attracted to them have a connection with them as well as other things.



Well for now I keep putting myself out there in the hopes it will pay off with the right girl for me at the right time :unsure:


Thinking possitive to help things improve in all areas of my life - well thats the idea anyway.


1. Relationship(s)

with my dh and towards finding a lady. I want the emotinal connection with a female more than the sex, don't get me wrong sex will be enjoyed but is not the be all and end all of what I'm looking for.


2. Work

my business is just starting to struggledue to the reccession, but I have two REALLY good opportunities coming up and one ball has started rolling.


3. Hobby

I am adult instructor in the Army Cadet Force and have been for the last 5 yrs, lately inderviduals attitudes have really started to annoy me. So I need to set forward a plan of what I will and WONT do, if that ends in me finding a new hobby then so be it thats what it is a HOBBY.


I have had the week from hell litrally!


My boy was sent home from school ill fri last week which is where it all started, followed by days of a very poorly baby indeed. Then bank holiday mon spent at the hospital to get him seen. Then follwed more days of illness but with meds at least.


The hospital visit infringed on job interveiw prep time so its was all done last min in the middle of the night, they night before the interview! with help from my dear shy friend stella (YAY for stella). Drove a 300 mile round trip journy to attend the interview, got drenched in the rain walking from the bus station to the location (15 mins away!), only to have my car brake down on the return home at 1230am on the M6 didn't get home until 0330am!!!!!!! had to pay for the F'ing privalidge of recovery from a brakedown service I'm supposed to be a member of!!!!!!! MY GOOD GOD


Been without a car for days - at the mercy of bus time tables Pah! Though I'm getting used to it again its only been 9 yrs but with all my recent galervants via the public transport network of this country I am doing ok lol.


Oh and I didn't get the job, the called me the next morning - their reason (I think excuse) I don't have enough experince teaching that peticular subject. I have over 5yrs teaching experience and 7yrs professional industry experience plus the untold amount of none professional experience BUt NOooooooooooooo arh stuff 'um!


Just waiting on a diagnosis on the car now together with some stupidly over priced bill I can't afford!


For the front I have, really at the moment I am sad and unhappy. I'm not even fully sure why, is it that my dh is completely emotionless, that I do so much to keep my family together that I now feel guilty about clawing back some me time here and the odd meet or is there something else? I really don't know all I do know is if I'm really honest with myself when my world stops moving at breakneck speed and I just look at it for that moment there in that moment I am always really unhappy.


Thats enough of my self pitty.


Two long standing female friends have now both made me feel hopeless. I have mentioned before I seem to find it very hard to make just normal friendships with women and everytime I do and start to open up to them they ALL wig out on me wanting nothing more to do with with me leaving me feeling hurt betrayed and rejected.


As far as I and others who are around these friendships can see I don't do anything wrong so WHY????


At least with men I know where our friendship stands, nothing is ever complicated there, they accept me for who I am warts and all.


This entry has come about because I went this afternoon to take a birthday card to one of these female friends. It was clear people were home as the car was on the drive together with that of her brothers parked outside, plus I heard her boyfriend in the hall when I rang the bell. But dispite that, nobody answered the door, I rang once more - I know they don't alway hear it, but nothing. So posted the card to her through the letter box. This I have done for the last two years together with requests for why I have been cut from her life after we were so close as friends - never do I get a reply. The only communication we have had is when I see her in town with her mum and she says a civil "hello".


Friends are supposed to be the ones we have to depend on/ call on etc when we need them - I'm like that at least I will help any of my friends if they need it. But instead my closest friend is my Mum and I can talk to her about anything but I don't always want to, sometimes I need someone who is not so close for a non biast view. My dh is my next best friend but again the same problems.


For years I shut myself off from making new female friends and can't recall if it was by choice or circumstance maybe a bit of both. Since being on shy's I have made some lovely friends but your all so far away (but I love you all still) - what I really need is someone I can run away to and hide when things get too much, a shoulder to cry on when needed and someone to say "you really don't see the full picture there" when I'm missing the point. But above all someone to hang out with and just be ourselves with good times and fun.


Why oh why do I always get left feeling so hurt by women - and no sex is involved at all!? OR is that the problem??


Ok so I have myself listed on several dating sites, for variouse resons not for discussion in this blog entry...anyway most have these random tests you can take. Well on Okcupid they have a gaydar test where you have to choose out of two pictures of real people registered on the site which one is actually gay, half are female and the other half are male.


Well I did the test and scored 55% not bad you think - NO - I can spot a gay man but not a gay woman!!!! :spruce_up:


I clearly need some help in this area.


Here is a link to the test for anyone interested Gaydar test


Need to rant/vent...


Why do I always have to be the one in my relationship and family that is the strong dependable rock? Why can't someone be there for me when I need crutch in life? Why am I always the one who does anything for anyone but they wont do the same for me? Prime example - when I married my husband, we could only have a 3 day honeymoon because no one who look after our son so he could still go to school; so I had to take him out of school and he stayed with different grandparents each day several counties away as my family could only manage that.


Maybe I should stop being such a reliable person for other people and sod them all....I am clearly feeling sorry for my self at the moment which is apparently making me a little bitter.


My hubbys emotinal retardedness is one of his few faults, but the one that bugs me the most, I am quite an emotional person really be it talking about feelings, needing a hug/cuddle just to cheer me up when down etc...I rambeling I know but its the only way it will come out of me.


I have an emotional void of nothingness and I hate that.


I looked at my bank account today to know what I got to buy some petrol only to find that I have £20 to my whole families names!!! and the mortgage is due and a few other bills!!!!!! EEEEEEKKKKKK so when I get my WTC and CTC this week I'm going to be left with a grand total of approx £8 to do a weekly shop, fuel my nearly out of petrol car and then some!!!!! :angry2:


WHY OH WHY does this shit happen just when you could do without it??


So as you can imagine I am not a happy bunny at the mo, worrying about how my son will eat as me and dh are not the young growing important one here.


STRESSED :drinks::D