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Well, today I found out that my Girlfriend was already dating a guy before I even got the chance to tell her that I think we should be friends. Wow! I'm not hurt but pissed now. She lead me to believe she was interested in a monogamous relationship with me. She even sat me down to tell me what she was "about." Meaning not dating more than one person at a time. She said she had " been with women" but not had a relationship with one but, that she really vibes with me and that it wasn't about what someone had between their legs for her but, what they felt. But then, when I'd try to ask her out, after we had been intimate, she was always busy. I had started to pick up signs that she wanted out but wasn't woman enough to admit it. So, that's why I ended it. Now she's following me around like a lost puppy, not because she wants me back but, because we work together and she doesn't want me mad or drama at work. She's afraid I'll post the many nude photos of herself that she sent me in the short time we dated. Sigh, I hope most women aren't like her. If they are, I'd rather be alone.   



Well, I talked to my girlfriend and told her that, I think being friends is better for she and I. She agreed. I wanted to do this before we started to get angry and end up not liking each other at all. She was nervous that I wouldn't be okay with it. I told her, I was fine. I'd rather be by myself than with someone who wasn't really into me anyway. I knew she didn't want to continue as a couple but was afraid I'd be upset.. She was hanging out with friends and when I'd ask her about going out....she was always busy. No one is always busy. That just means...they don't have time for you. Narrow their options by giving them one less option. I respect myself too much to beg for someone's attention. And, I've been down that road where you care and feel deeply for someone that doesn't feel the same. Life is too short to waste your time on people who can't give you any of theirs. Like I said in one of the forum posts, I don't have a problem being single. It doesn't bother me. If the truth be told, it's hard for me to have someone in my life because I'm quite satisfied all by myself. So when I do spend time with someone, that means I've made you and our relationship a priority. That means, you are important to me. I'm only asking for the same in return, that is...if I mean anything at all to you.  


The Dating Life

I started dating after five years of not having, not a single solitary date. I have a hard time approaching a woman. You never know if she's into women or not. Well, my current Girlfriend, (she's not really) found me. she was hired at my job. I know. I know. I have the same rule about not dating a co-worker. Well she pursued me.. She figured out my Kryptonite...she asked me out for a beer. I said, "Yes" what could it hurt? 

Well, let me explain something to you, I haven't been out on a date in 5 years, we are drinking 13% alcohol content beer, She is 26, redhead, (red hair is my other Kryptonite BTW. Maybe it has something to do with my huge crush on Kate Kane, Batwoman)., she has slate grey eyes, pouty soft lips and perfect breast. I could go on...but you get the picture. 

Well, instant attraction on my part. And she's fun and adventurous. Down right perfect....but, there's a catch. Yep, there's always a catch. We dated for about two months. Texting here and there, calling occasionally and going out. I even invited her over to my house. That's something I never do. We even....yeah, we did that.

Fast forward to one week ago, She gets a phone call from her "BFF" or former "BFF" and she says her friend needs her. She drops everything, arranges for someone to work for her, buys a plane ticket, and breaks our plans to bring in the New Year, and is gone...just like that. No hesitation. So, at this moment, my "girlfriend" is driving cross country from Seattle to North Carolina. 

So that you get the whole picture. I can't get this girl to text/call me with any consistency. It's like a week to a week and a half where we have to plan to go to the damn movies or out to dinner because, she's so tired, or going home to visit parents and family, or doing whatever else.

So, last night,, as I lay in my bed with a bottle of merlot, with my dog and cat...it finally hit me. I wasn't her girlfriend, I was an option. Something to do. A way to pass the time until she could get to what or more like who she really wanted, her BFF. I am treating her, no I've made her a priority in my life but I'm not a priority in hers...I'm an option. 

Before we started "dating" I told her that I was hard to trust anyone and I told her why. She text me about 10 min ago, I had just posted on fb, "When people show you who they are, believe them." Maya Angelou. She asked me, "Are you okay? I said, "I'm fine." I'm pretty sure she knows now, I've figured her out. And she's trying to hold on, string me a long. I'm a quick learner tho. 


blog-0054518001364470991.jpgI've been looking for a woman to date for a while now. Not only have I not found her but I haven't had a date...it's embarrassing to say but it 3 years. I'm a nice person. Or at least I think I am. I try to treat people well. I think I look decent and I can't land not one single date. I know part of it is that I'm shy but I've tried dating sites, I try to keep my mind and eyes open for potential dates but no luck.


The few women that have shown interest have lived a zillion miles away, or are married or have boyfriends. Why can't I find a simple woman that's looking for a relationship with another woman and a monogamous long term relationship. I'm beginning to think I'm the only woman alive that likes women and wants to be with just one. Maybe it's old fashioned and out of style.


Some of the women that have contacted me abruptly stop and then start up months later like nothing ever happened which leads me to believe that I'm second choice or that they are already involved in a relationship and trying to have a little fun on the side or trying to play the field.


I had one woman from Okcupid start messaging me and wanted me to call her but, as soon as I did she acted like she was mad that I did and got off the phone quickly. She sent me messages a week or so later and I figured she was married or involved and didn't want me calling. So, I didn't respond and blocked her number.


Recently I was texting a woman that lives 45 min away but, I stopped texting to see if you would contact me. Just trying to see if she was serious about wanting a relationship. I haven't heard anything from her in several days.


I won't text her. Why bother. Just wanted to vent on my blog. Anyway, I'm taking this time to continue working on myself so when and if I meet that special person, I'll be whole and complete by myself and I'll want her because I want her not because I need her for anything.


weight loss update: Still losing weight but slower. Saw my doctor the other day, she was pleased with my progress so far. I have to go back in and get checked in a month. She wants to see how much I've lost then, check my bloodwork and bloodpressure.











My head was throbbing with the ticking of a nearby clock and my eyelids felt like they weighed a ton. I didn't own a clock. That was my first clue that told me I wasn't home in my bed.


Eyes still closed, I tried to sit up and clear my head at the same time. That only mangaged to induce a rippling wave of dizziness followed by nausea. That was my second clue. This felt like a hangover but I don't drink. I hadn't been a drinker before or even after I died.


Unlike the hundreds of poor souls that frequented the local bars and nightclubs, finding their excitement and self worth in the bottom of a bottle, I didn't need drugs or alcohol for an adrenaline rush. I worked as an enforcer for Damien , the most powerful vampire on the east coast.



That's the opening for the short story that I wrote which was published a couple of years ago. Hope you liked it.






Thought I'd add my pick or one of my pics I have on the dating sites. So, I may regret asking but, do you think I should pull this pic? I'm getting a lot of lookey loos but, no hits. Looking to improve my odds. Thanks in advance.




So, yesterday at work, I go to find my best friend to ask her if she wanted to go with me to get breakfast. I get on the elevator and ride to her floor. I found her in a patient's room so, I waited. She was at a point that she could go so we started for the elevator. On the way we ran into her nursing assistant and she introduced me.


I had never seen this girl before. She had the prettiest blue/grey eyes and dark brown hair that she wore losely pinned up. She was cute. And she stared at me, in my eyes so, I stared back. We walked down the hallway with my friend in the middle just looking at each other. Then my friend said, why are you guys staring at each other?


She looked away and and said she thought I was someone else. I was a little upsett that my friend had broken the moment. I'd never overtly flirted with any woman before and never had one to openly flirt with me either.


So, we get to the elevator and and I say, what's your name? She told me and then I stepped on the elevator with my friend while a pair of the most beautiful eyes watched me until the door closed.


My friend, who knows I'm Bi promptly started beating on me when the elevator door closed. I waited until she was finished and asked, "Is she married?" Which earned me another beating until the doors opened. LOL





My Personal Journey

blogentry-68752-068969900 1322169226_thumb.jpg I started this journey a little less than a year ago. A journey to find my soulmate, you know, the love of your life. What I have discovered is, I am the biggest hinderence in my own quest. Why? Because of the baggage I am carrying from my old relationship. The one where on a daily basis you are made to feel not good enough, not pretty enough, not desirable enough, not smart enough, not motivated enough and I could go on.


I don't really feel deserving of love at this point. I don't think anybody would be attracted to me or like me just like I am because I've adopted my Ex's ideals of who and what I am.


I am definitely a collection of contradictions. I have hobbies and interest that I don't think would interest most women. So, that makes me feel different/weird pushing me further away from my goal.


I can say that you girls at Shy have made me feel a little better and for that, I thank you from the bottom of my heart.