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Ramblings and Observations on Life.

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I never thought I'd do a post like this. But it's something I feel more than one of you can relate to. And it might be some comfort to know that you are not alone with these feelings. The things that lay in the dark, best left not given voice to for fear you will break someone else's reality, when all you do is want to scream, or want to cry, or worse want to fold it all in on itself, pack it in and want to die. 

As much as this may help, it may also hurt, so major [TRIGGER WARNING] to anyone who suffers from depression or is suicidal. Don't watch or listen to the videos contained herein BEFORE the break (the first 4 spoken word pieces, or quotes, some may find triggering...the 3 music videos at end should be fine, but you may or may not like depending on your taste.) if you can't handle hearing things that sound too much like what is in your head, or mine...Please don't hurt yourself and know you are not alone. Others of us struggle just to live sometimes, often, or nearly everyday. I know it might sound trite to you, as everyone likes to say this, but take it from someone who knows firsthand what you are going through: It's an uphill battle but it can get better so long as you don't throw your life away. Time changes everything, and we always feel differently in time. Please don't make an impulsive decision based on the pain you feel in the moment because our situations are forever changing and making a permanent and irrevocable decision in such a time should never be the answer, no matter how badly you wish for it, or think it so in the heat of the moment. There are people who care, people you might not even yet know, people who will miss you. Even if it feels like there's no one, and can never be, and you are nothing but a burden, or worthless, or whatever other pretty lies fill your mind from your Depressive Side.

Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem and resolves nothing except leaving an empty space were you used to be in this world. Others will grieve you, miss you, be heartbroken, and you won't be around to see it, to know that these same people would likely have tried to comfort you if only they had known something was wrong sooner. Talk to a friend, family member, or anyone you can trust to listen, or baring that try to find something creative to channel your feelings into, if you can, be it art, music, writing, or whatever works for you. It can really help. Or you can use one of the resources below if you aren't sure who else to turn to or where else to turn. 

Here are some resources for you in case this sounds too much like you, please reach out, even if everything in you is telling you not to, even if you're feeling so low it may seem pointless. Talking to someone, anyone, is so much better than the alternative:


Argentina: +5402234930430
Australia: 131114
Austria: 017133374
Belgium: 106
Bosnia & Herzegovina: 080 05 03 05
Botswana: 3911270
Brazil: 212339191
Canada: 5147234000 (Montreal); 18662773553 (outside Montreal)
Croatia: 014833888
Denmark: +4570201201
Egypt: 7621602
Estonia: 3726558088; in Russian 3726555688
Finland: 010 195 202
France: 0145394000
Germany: 08001810771
Holland: 09000767
Hong Kong: +852 2382 0000
Hungary: 116123
India: 8888817666
Ireland: +4408457909090
Italy: 800860022
Japan: +810352869090
Mexico: 5255102550
New Zealand: 045861048
Norway: +4781533300
Philippines: 028969191
Poland: 5270000
Portugal: 21 854 07 40/8 . 96 898 21 50
Russia: 0078202577577
Spain: 914590050
South Africa: 0514445691
Sweden: 46317112400
Switzerland: 143
United Kingdom: 08457909090
USA: 18002738255
Veterans' Crisis Line: 1 800 273 8255/ text 838255

For other suicide resources and hotlines broken down by region, or may not have been in this list, go here:


Now onto the today's entry:


"You are a good person. An extraordinary person. Don't you forget that."

A normal person would feel comforted, possibly uplifted or even dare I say hopeful after hearing those words. Not me. 

I can't because they come at the worst time for me, when I am down, it's like being trapped in Bizarro World, inside your own head. Blessings become curses, and you would rather see yourself dead. When really, like most everyone with such morbid thoughts creeping around in their brain, it's the opposite that is slowly driving them insane. As much as they feel like they should die, it's really just a cry for help from our souls screaming "I want to live!" Just give me a reason to. Anything, a sign, that this will pass in time and there will come a better tomorrow...

But instead "You are a good person. An extraordinary person. Don't you forget that." becomes:

Me wanting to cry, feeling like I'm so unworthy and undeserving of that statement even if I do deserve it, I can't feel it, feel that way. It feels like a lie even if it's not.

How can I keep loving others, keep trying, keep giving myself away, when deep down inside the secret I try to hide is -I HATE Myself-

- And it becomes more apparent everyday as more stressors in my life makes more things unstable triggering my Depression, and it becomes harder to hold at bay.

But I can't afford to lose this battle with myself because what that might mean. But if this isn't you, you can't understand where I'm coming from, so here I invite you to explore the videos below. It's not exactly the same as what goes on in my head, but it comes frighteningly close, the thought process, but the sentiments are the same, the words are, the same, it's all the same at it's core...desperately needing things to change, feeling lost and alone, swallowed by despair, and if any of you have ever felt this way, this will no doubt seem familiar to you in the same way we always look at Depression and say:

"Hello, Darkness, my old friend, come to see me once again..."






Things may get worse, before they get better, but they always will. Life is cyclic. We have to change that hateful voice in our head, replace it with kinder things. We have to find the excuses to get out of bed, and face the day. We have to remember what life was like, when our passions rode us, made us take delight in all Life's special moments that have come before us. It is always darkest before the dawn, but within us all lies the strength to carry on.







Today is a day of reflection. I have been too busy just focusing on living that it took a concussion to slow me down enough to be able to stop and take stock of my life once again. 

Then I realize I have wound up back here spouting Emo diatribes in this thing, as I had before first an apology. 

I'm sorry for all the doom and gloom. It honestly surprises me anyone actually gives much import to the words coming out of my mouth, or rather, that are typed on the screen. So thank you for, I don't know, reading all of this, whoever you may be.

I'm sorry also that I can't abide by the advice given to my last post. Ignoring ones gut instinct is about the worst thing you can do. The truth is that even if it seems to lead us into mischief at times, it actually saves us from worse, and what misadventures which may ensue usually have important life lessons attached even if we aren't fully aware of what those might be at the time. So no, I'm still listening to it, or I'd have not come back at all...

...Not reconnected with someone important to me...

But there is nothing wrong in maybe being a bit more cautious and careful. So that I'll try to keep that in mind as I feel out this new/old/new relationship before me. 

As I think on my life and it's weird turns...

the only thing I keep coming back to is that turn of phrase "Life is Strange"...

I don't really know where I stand right now, I feel like I'm standing at a crossroads again. Change is in the air, I can feel it like the crisp moisture before the rain. I don't know what it means. I want to understand what is significant about to happen, by looking backward, inward...

Have you ever passed a mirror and caught yourself staring, a little too long? You know past that inevitable point of judgement upon yourself, or just to give yourself a cursory look before going out, but long enough that you deeply reflect on the passage of time you wear, wondering where it all is gone, what happened to the person you were, or where is that person you wanted to become? Do you recognize what you see there? Do you know that person? Do you want to? Do you love that person? Can you imagine anyone else feeling the same? 

One of the most important relationships we cultivate in this life isn't with other people. It's with our self. If we can't feel good about ourselves, can't love ourselves, then everything we work to achieve with others is but a pale shadow of what we wish we felt for ourselves, could feel if we could only see ourselves the way others view us.

But that's not quite what I'm getting at...

Have you ever stared longer than that even to the point you can -feel- your own mortality?

We feel brushes of it all the time. A pet dies, we lose a friend or a family member, or have that flirtation with Death itself that shakes us for some time, but it's usually over before we can really delve into the contemplation of what it truly means...

But to stare at yourself and know you are here on this Earth on borrowed time...

What does that make you want to do?

Does it make you panic and try to get your affairs in order?

Does it give you a perverse since of peace in the cyclic nature of life?

Does it fill you with a renewed sense of purpose of the things you wish to do before that inevitable day happens?

Or do you merely indulge in the enormity of it all until you slowly let the weight of that knowledge slide off you like water off a ducks back and just go back to living life like normal, back to the daily routine of your existence?

Yes I know I said I should stop with the doom and gloom, and no I'm not trying to bring anyone down, nor is this really meant as advice, or am I being poetic, it's just a ramble, but I honestly would like to know in those moments...what is it you feel?



Back again. Here, now. But for how long? I always seem to find my way into drama or romance because what the heart wants is so strong. Then the one time I don't seek any of that, armed with my best intentions to just use this website for what it was damn well designed for and try to be a positive force amongst you all, to learn and grow even as I help others do so, and to bond with like minded has to happen again.

And next thing I know my heart takes my soul by the hand (or maybe this time it was the other way round?) and I'm off again. What the hell is wrong with me?

God (or whatever Divine being or Force of Nature that rules us all) Please if you are listening, take these blasted urges away from me, don't let me love, if it only brings pain without some deeper understanding. Don't let me feel too deeply for those who can't see me. Can't know me or even understand the reasons why I find their light so intoxicating, having roamed too long in darkness. I have been called by other's a light, told I shine...But in reality to me I feel like they see a mirror. I want to shine like that, don't get me wrong, want to be a beacon of hope...I mean who wouldn't? And I'm not saying I don't have my moments, I do. I'm not a "dark" person, I just hide in dark places, so much, too much...until they become a home. I crave the light. So much so I think when I'm confronted with it, it goes to my head...Makes me downright giddy. Like any high it can't last. I crash through the floor, feel like some sort of emotional vampire, having been drunk on my emotions, and when the drug finally wears off I see the bigger picture and the world for what it is. I know what I want is yet again out of reach however I may wish otherwise. It doesn't matter how special this time felt, or how much more "right" than the last. How will you know what's right or real when you doubt yourself so much?

There was a time I trusted my instinct. Living by it. Knew I could believe in it. Had total faith I understood most situations as they presented themselves. But now I don't know if I can rely on my gut anymore. If each time I do it comes with such a high cost. Isn't it better then to just avoid all possibility for conflict, and upsetting the lives of others by withdrawing? What use is your continued presence if it might just become that thing by which which others make measure of their own suffering?

But then...could you really call that living?

I've never been a coward to say how I feel, to be who I am, but I think I've hit my upward limit. 

So I'm back...but for how long?

Should I stay?

Or should I go and get out of everyone else's way?


Friend is a Four Letter Word.

When you chance back to see she is moving on, perfectly fine without you...

Reading the notes she left saying how much she misses you...

Her Friend.

You blow it off, because what else could you have been?

So much more but she closed the door, preferring to spend time dancing with shadows, in love with the idea of love itself, and content to commit to her fantasy. 

Unable to compete with such a formidable foe as this, you let go of your own foolish notions that this exuberent shared feeling when in her presence could blossom into something more. 

So tucking your broken heart behind your pride, you left so she wouldn't be exposed to your ruined insides.

Then one day you decide to come back. To that one place you'd been avoiding for so long. Only to find she is still there, the same as ever, and as much as you thought you had, you'd only been lieing to yourself, because you haven't really moved on.

All those feelings of yesterday try to beat down your door. But to them you say, please stop, no, no more.

Because what's the point of letting any of that in...

...if it's only to be reunited with a "friend?"

And if you can't release that and let it go, coming back would just be for show, because your true heart she could never know, you'd have to hide it just for her dying from unexpressed emotions, and unable to move on stuck in a hell of your own making, wanting something that you can never have with someone who doesn't feel the same. 

Unrequited love is no game and nothing worth pursuing. And impossible to maintain any true friendhip where it forces the the green eyed monster of jealousy to reside in your heart. Hard to want the best for someone even though you care about them, when they cannot accept what is best for you. Whether that is to get as far away from them as possible, or to rush into their open and waiting arms...


Who can know what only time can tell, and the clock stopped the moment you locked your heart away.





...the silence echoes off the walls... inside your world falls... it all comes crashing down...

...unable to speak or make a sound...

...your soul just keeps on screaming...

...nightmares plague your dreaming...

...awake you cannot say...

...why you feel this way...

...but you know you are lost because you can't reach out... see salvation yet you drown...

...easier to let the dark drag you under...

...then to let the vultures plunder...

...pick away until there's nothing left...

...cloaked in lies, masked by death...

...bleached bones of broken promises not worth the mention...

...on a sandy lot of good intention... all they ever leave you with...

...even if the sand you sift...

...what treasure left, a cursed gift...

...It robs you of your voice...

...takes away all your choice...

...until the only option remains... look on yourself with less disdain... be reminded of kinder days...

...when people would listen to what you had to say...

...cared enough not just to hear...

...the sound of their own voices...

...doing anything to fill the silence...





Death & Rebirth

I feel like I'm playing with fire,

I fear getting burned,

You would think with all of Life's Lessons,

I would have finally learned...

No matter how you fight it,

Your Heart will always win,

Dubbing you the Jester,

Love's Fool once again...


Though I play coy,

Keep my secret close to the chest,

my hand can't hide the blood

seeping from my vest,

leaking through numbed fingertips,

I curse the arrow that felled me as I fall

I swear on my ill fate,

If I do not find "Her" here I will not Love at All.


But even as I let the lie fall from my cold lips,

I already know it is untrue,

For to know True Love ever,

It always must start with "You".

And even as I fight it,

I know there is no other way,

Resign to Fate, 

To Meet Your Mate,

Or go on to suffer forever and a day.


The "Her" I seek has worn a thousand faces,

Has baited with a seductive smile,

Driven Men to their Ruin,

Made many a Maiden run wild.

But they were all pretenders,

They could never claim her throne,

And so here I sit in silence,

Without a Queen to call my own.


Maybe it is I've been deceived,

and I have her after all.

The Queen of Hearts makes merry feast,

Finding sport in watching me stumble,

Delighting in my Fall.


Finally I hit the floor.

The wind all but knocked out,

crimson comes gushing forth,

as pretty drivel leaves my mouth.

I hate myself, I hate this actor I've become,

When all I want is something real, something true,

Someone to whom I can depend on.


A gentle hand, a soft touch,

a voice I cannot quite hear,

leans in extra close,

and whispers in my ear.

My foggy brain cannot comprehend,

What is this place? Why am I here?

Was I not just Dead?


Open eyes to go blind,

The light so bright it burns,

But after a spell, all is well,

And I can see, that it is "She"

for me she has returned.


Her form is luminescent, 

An Angel could not compare,

So immaculate in it's conception,

A mere mortals eyes cannot fair,

Gaze instantly shifted,

I cannot help but look away.

But happy am I, she is more than a dream.

"Go Back!" Echoes in my brain,

And I begin to SCREAM!


The pain ghosts off my skin 

As once again I sit upright in bed,

Wondering what was up with this 'vision'

This would be soulmate in my head.

I sit there watching the dappled sunlight

play across the covers

Fully at peace, to wonder if the "She"

the one for me, is mere fantasy,

Or really out there, somewhere,

waiting for me to discover.








Today's a rainy day. The Hurricane looms close but too far away to touch me. Reminds me of the times I had dreams of a twister wrecking and remaking everything in it's path, including me. That moment when it slams through the obstacles between us and I go tense, knowing the end is near, and then allow myself to be calm, accepting my fate I walk into the eye of the whirlwind, let it swallow me whole, only to find myself on the other side unscathed, the winds no where to be seen, and I feel stronger somehow, like I've overcome a great challenge. Like I passed some kind of test. Maybe a test of faith? 

They say hurricanes in your dreams represent change. Sort of like pulling the Death card in a Tarot deck. It's deceptive, because you would think it means an end, but really it's usually the start of a new beginning. Like seasons, Winter must first come, the frost killing off the old plants, driving the animals into hiding, blanketing the world in a void made of white. But that makes way for the new buds of Spring, when life gradually returns to everything. 

But you can't have one without the other. The change is needed for transformation.

Recently something has happened, something drew me back here. I've been gone for so long...

...I could have stayed gone forever. 

Every time I come here, I lose myself in silly fantasy. 

I forget what I should be doing.

I start off with the best of intent, of course.

To help other people. Maybe make some friends along the way.

To learn from others. To grow. 

But in reality it's more to indulge the vanity that comes from the praise of others who you help, it's a sense of accomplishment. 

Is it wrong to feel that though? Is helping others then really bad, if you gain something from it? If it's not for purely altruistic reasons, but because it makes you feel good to do so?

I don't know. 

When I first discovered this website I thought it was a place I could talk to other individuals like myself.

But being the tragic romantic I am, I soon developed feelings for another Shy.

And I'm sure too many of you know how that goes.

I did help others during that time period with the comments I quickly began wracking, for status, for affection, for her.

The Shy I was enamored with encouraged me to burst through the ranks to unlock enough options, just to be able to befriend them. I swear if anyone else has shot straight to their 50 posts so fast, I've yet to meet them. I tore through threads, hungrily looking for any topic to contribute to, in part because yes, being helpful was good, in part because it was a fun game and way to pass the time, but mostly I was desperate for the Shy's bewitching contact. I had to do what was necessary to reach her.

3 days later I had earned my prize, the key to be in PMLand with her.

It's not something I feel particularly proud of now that I look back on it. 

I also was also naive in my conquest, anyone who insists you play games for their amusement, just to prove your strength of affections, is likely someone who will grow rather bored with said affection when it comes too easily from you. To them it's all about the game. The chase. But it always ends with you taking off after them only to come up empty handed in the end.

You are simply too needy, too clingy, too desperate for them to want to stay.

And it takes you far too long to realize things are better off that way.

It was a bad match from the start, but it takes a while for your brain to catch up to your heart. 

It's made all the funnier because on the occasion I met that particular Shy in the chatroom, there was another one who was trying so hard to get our attention.

The problem being we had already targeted each other, and she, in her innocence, was trying so very hard to get the both of us to notice her in turn. But we were too busy flirting with each other. I feel badly for her. She'd try to befriend us both, wind up more friends with the other Shy...Likely because in my arrogance I kept trying to force her to pick sides...Or have her help me to reach My Shy that I couldn't seem to get in contact, because she was well and truly done with me.

Bottom line, however noble we may begin, Love or rather our actions under the influence of it will make us cruel, when love turns to obsession. 

Karma however is a Bitch.

But usually one with a lesson to teach.

Maybe more of a Dominatrix, she takes you by the leash, lays you low, and rubs your nose in your most glaring of mistakes...

After that was said and done, and I went back just chatting with friends after the whole fiasco on here. On and off here and there, eventually I ran into another Shy who seemed a serious prospect, only it wasn't me who approached her. She more or less began stalking me, (which isn't bad in of itself. You can always tell who likes who on here based off of how often or frequent interactions take place between users. Well if you pay attention to it anyway) and I adored the way she was so impressed with my talents. She knew just how to stroke my ego in just the right places. I started to find myself falling, but this time I was made to feel every bit My Original Shy was made to feel by me. Pressured, trapped. I also made a beginner's mistake in my courtship of this woman I had not met. I sent gifts. Obviously,  sending her favorite candy was not a bad choice. It's a temporary thing, and if you never get it back again, no harm no foul. But I sent her something I shouldn't have: a piece of jewelry that held sentimental value. It was supposed to be a keepsake, something for her to have and think of me, until we met and then she was to return it to me. Well, time passed, and she seemed less inclined to want meet me. I've had this happen before with trying to date women through the internet in the past, so I knew the signs, she talked a big game but had no intention of following through. So I asked for my necklace back. I was greeted in return with so many excuses, that I eventually gave up on it. 

But it hurt that I wasn't worth at least settling accounts with. 

So after that, I left.

I think I came back maybe once, maybe twice to peek in, but I never stayed, just a brief glance to check my profile, see if anyone even remembered or cared who I was, and off I went on my merry way.

Fast Forward to now. I have not talked to friends or anyone online in a while because life, depression, being stubborn, whatever. I suddenly felt I needed to change that. So I messaged many of my friends on Facebook. Or at least a few (I didn't quite manage all, I started having those self-conscious feelings again.) 

But then I had a sudden flash of inspiration hit me to come back. Maybe, maybe I could show up get back into the swing of things, have some witty banter here and there, Peep in occasionally and vaguely keep up.

I spent some time fixing old post because Photobucket changed their policy. Here's a tip for you ladies, don't bother linking photos from Facebook, OneDrive, or Photobucket, they'll just break the link for them eventually. No, this time I found a website that allows for photo linking, Blogger. You can make the page private or unsearchable in search engines but as long as your images exist on a page, you can then view them, upload or copy/paste the link here, and viola'. 

But I digress...

I came on, actually completed my profile, finally, and fixed all the broken links across my blog. I saw someone with an eye-catching icon, (literally an eye) who I kind of was debating talking to, I checked out her profile, went and read a thread she'd posted in, stuff like that. Gathering Intel mainly figuring I might strike up a conversation with her later. But...I had a weird feeling about it because I felt 'drawn'. 

Me feeling drawn to someone means they're important. 

It could be a lover (as I oft like to think) but it could just be someone who's supposed to impact my life in some major way.

The problem is the more I talk with her, the more I find myself repeating old patterns. I feel like if I were to get out of my own way I could possiblely develop deeper could be I am already. It could be -she- has already. But I don't trust in my reading of people as much as I used to.

So now I run into a conundrum. 

Do I -

1. Keep things absolutely platonic and fight my baser instincts. Just Be Friends.

2. Know that for me once I have an interest in someone just "being friends" never works, and I should just skip off this site again for a while until my emotions (and hers?) have died down.

3. Just bide my time and see how things go?

4. Confess my interest and see where her's is. 

It may not matter. Just by writing this # 4 is happening whether I like it or not. Assuming of course, that she reads this.

All I know is since we've started talking, I'm walking around in a daze, like sleepwalking. You go through the motions, but you don't really come alive until that person notices you.

So now without her attention, or my husband's I've been rendered a very bad marionette with cut strings. I'm not sure what to do or how to feel right now so I've retreated into myself and switched on the auto-pilot.

I know I'll weather the storm, that's not the question. 

But should I really throw caution to the wind, just to go walking in the rain?





So, I am back. 

Finally really truly back, and not just peeking in.

For how long I cannot say. Because, I always get swept away by life, but somehow I always find my way back here since I discovered this website. 

I suppose I like the sense of community about this place, and it's naturally welcoming nature.

And I know I have friends here.

But I live with this blot on my personality. This evil little voice that likes to whisper my own flaws, and lie about my inability to rise to being a worthwhile human being.

It says stupid things at odd moments. Such as "you're being a bother"" or "No one can really understand you, so why even try?" Or "No one really cares, they don't -really- know you, why should they?" "You're just here for their entertainment." Yadda, yadda. I think you get the picture. Such drivel will eventually drive me back into my shell and away from people. I won't lie and say every time. Sometimes it's just life events. or the fact I just plain don't want to socialize. Or that I'm an introvert, who can get exhausted by too much social stimuli, and being married with it's own whirlwind of life drama i have to take on with that (his and mine) life can just be a bit overwhelming at times, to the point it feels like the last thing I need is to be social with anyone else.

I think the main reason I'm finally breaking my silence here after so long is because I'm finally starting to feel a return to my sense of self that I've not felt in ages. I finally am coming out of the Dark Blanket cast by the Shadow of Depression, and feel like I'm walking in the Sun again.  How long this more positive frame of mind will last is beyond me, but I hope it sticks. It's been a rough few years where I've been forced to check out on a lot of things, and I really want to make up for lost time. 

If you are one of the people I chatted with before and I skipped out on you, I am sorry. If you are a friend (old or new), I will try to do better at staying it contact, but if I don't please understand it is nothing negative to do with you. If I have a problem with you I will tell you so. I don't run away from conflict. I just have a habit of returning to my shell every so often to reflect on life and heal like any true Cancerian. But don't take that to mean I don't care. And I think you'll find with some prodding you can goad me back out again. :wink:

So here's to hoping to get the chance to see more of you all soon. :)



Poems For Her...

I had another post to do in mind...I was going to do a deep and indepth one about my life at the moment...but that would take not only time, a luxury i can ill afford at the moment, but a well of emotional stamina, which I'm in the process of recovering due to so many life events. So..we'll keep things simple for now: On with the poetry!


Inspiration: A shy who will instantly recognize this. Without giving away too much, let's just say we have a scary amount in common and connect on a deep level. I hope I'm not offending her by posting my poetry that I wrote while inspiration struck while talking to her here, as there are no personal identifiers, or details that should point her way...


I don't usually write poetry -to- women I love...I mean, I have's been a really very rare thing. Usually it's more reactionary, and just comes out in other places. The inspiration often never sees it. But...with her, I find myself inspired and writing more about, for, to...than I ever have anyone else. Why this is, I'm not entirely sure. She dotes on me for it, and I don't feel pressure to whip up a masterpiece each time which helps,'s more like, it's just flows...something about being in her company just makes me really want to write. Maybe if nothing else I've met my muse. :P


---These are untitled as they are copied from PMs and emails back and forth. ----


I could meet the lady love of my life in this very moment, and all I'd see would be a stranger there in her place...

I'm not sure I'd be able to feel enough to know her, or remark upon her face.

Though beautiful I'd find her spirit, and her nature full of grace,

My heart is a tarnished mirror, too dark and dreary to reflect a trace

of the purest of intention with which her heart would race.


I play the part of the damsel, but dream of the day I am the prince,

I want so badly to rescue her, when myself I fail to save.

I cleave to the fantasy, that she is waiting for me,

When it is I who dally here and cannot go hence,

Lingering, an awful thing, bidding time 'good riddance'


A dance we leave to chance, but maybe I tire of the game,

Too many lifetimes have I played on, for far too little gain.

If she be, the one for me, then 'tis hers the burden of proof to bear,

For I've worn this yoke, until I've choked all semblance of romance

To leave me bereft and bare.


Is there hope? A tender heart can cope,

subsisting on it's dreams.

A fine nourishment, to keep content,

until all alone you wake to find nothing as it seems.


So for a sign, I'll call her mine,

But not the wayward kind,

monumental, not incidental,

to make the heavens split, and let true love shine.


Forgive me, for my random fits of poetry...

I wrote that in the moment as it came to me.




I'm standing on a cliff, looking over,

daring to take first one step, then another, ever closer

wanting to just step off and fall

but having to believe there will be something there after all.


I feel you standing next to me,

But it's not you I can see,

Too busy staring down into that gaping maw,

Fear of too many possibilities on my tender bits gnaw,

The monster of foreboding holding me at bay,

Even as the sweet lilt of fantasy makes me sway,


-I am so tired of feeling this way-


"She's just not out there!" I want to say.


Screaming "you're dreaming"

"This is not something that could ever be!"

Will not ever, now or never set me free.


I don't know where 'she' is...

But I do know you're here.

I know that with you I shouldn't fear.


But as far as I can go is to take your hand,

Somehow if not now I will make you understand,

Be careful with your heart, what you wish may be true...

But that may not be enough to bring me closer to you.


Love is wondrous an emotion,

But without devotion,

The trivialities of life can take it down.


So easy to fall, but not to land,

Is it worth the risk?

Always before I'd say 'yes'

But now I'm not sure I can handle this.


So divided I stand,

Together we would fall,

If but for one more step I can,

Should I give in to what my heart demands?

When even my mind doesn't say 'no' or 'run'

as by now it should have done.

Or is it just off it's game,

sluggish drugged muddled insane,

poisoned by the possibility

that you might be the one for me...




I just hope this isn't some dream-like state, that when we wake,

we find we've only been deceiving ourselves...

Only to have to once against put our hearts back upon the shelf,

No matter how strong, intense, or real these emotions may be,

would they fade upon meeting, or lead to greater chemistry?




- And this today in the poetry game thread here:


They say love comes unexpectedly,

But sometimes the print at the bottom attached,

is far too fine to see,

Happily ever after is the fairy tale,

And it's not long before the fantasy waxed,

Waned as reality intrudes breaking the spell.


It's as true for you as it is for me,

The first blush of love fades inevitably,

In that span we must decide,

Let our heart, mind and soul play guide,

Even if this falls short of the dream,

Is it worth having by any means?


And for that perfect person: What do you do when you meet,

But the situation is all wrong?

How can you reconcile what you so desperately want and need,

The manifestation of what you've been aching for, for so long?

What is cannot remain, things must change once again,

I can't stand idly by, forever much to my continuing shame,

I love you too much to stay forever in that vein,

In the limbo of 'more than friends less than lovers' only brings me pain.


I feel as though I'm caged behind bars of propriety,

Unable to act on my simplest impulse for intimacy,

Because you are there with him, and not here with me.

But I can't make you choose don't you see?

I'm stuck in such an unfair quandary.


Can't force your hand, but for how long should I wait?

Tempted mightily by you, but must leave things to fate,

Even though it is most assured you are my soulmate,

It doesn't mean we are guaranteed each other,

because it may already be too late.


I don't want to give up on us like I am this rhyme,

Prove to me otherwise,

Give me a sign I'm not just wasting time,

and that I should keep hope alive.


Inspiration: Posted way back around the beginning of the year in the Arts, Poetry and Bodyart thread found here:


What drove me to revisit this was reading a recent blog entry of Faith_x's. It made me want to share this (again).


This was written because I was motivated by desire to find my special someone...oddly the timing may have been bad as at the time, I was in love with a fellow Shy, who had a mutual attraction but didn't feel I was what she was looking for so nothing came of it. No names, as I respect people's privacy, but one thing she pointed out to me after reading this was that she wasn't 'my one' or why would I have been inspired to write this. I took that hard...I really did think it was her - but...I suppose it was in my words as well as this that was my downfall. I had sent this in an email to her. I made the mistake of saying something along the lines of: 'I feel very strongly you're the one I've been looking for. I think I have finally found my twin flame in you. But even if you're not my soul mate, I don't care. I love you so much it doesn't matter.' I think she took that to mean I was willing to put off my one for her, when what I meant was, that she was it, and if she was not my love surpassed 'her', as in - if she were not 'her', then 'she' for me was likely a fantasy and I was more than willing to accept the reality that she was offering.


Our reasoning ultimately didn't matter. It wasn't a right/wrong kind of conversation. Looking back on it with some time and distance I see how we were both 'right' in certain aspects of our viewpoints. Maybe on a subconscious level I wasn't sure she was the one, and, as she believed, may have wrote that as a way to sort of wake me up to the fact. Maybe I wrote it because I could already feel her slipping away from me...Or maybe she would have been the proverbial 'her', if the fate had played out a different way. No one can know now. Whatever reasons behind it, In the end 'the one' the poem was truly written for as of yet remains to reveal themselves...So the search continues. Maybe someday we'll be lucky enough to meet.


A small part of me would like to think, however unlikely, that if and when that special lady should ever see this, it will hold as much meaning to her as it did in the writing for me...but even should it never meet with her eye, I'm glad if it might move any of you. An artist lives to create, not just their vision, but to stir something in others to be an inspiration in them, it is the highest compliment paid, not only if you like it aesthetically, but if it speaks to you...





Light My Fire (Or A Spark Is A Terrible Thing To Waste)


Twin flames flowing, storm winds growing,

To snuff the fire, of burning desire,

doubt and uncertainty, threatens to claim me,

kindle the ashes, a tiny ember flashes,

please don't let it die, no more tears to cry,

make me rise, a phoenix flies,

through misty veil, over wave's swell,

to find it's fate, to meet it's mate,

but the soul-twin, hides yet again,

black wind's howl, beating wings down,

life-heat extinguishing, deflated will discouraging,

tempest tossed, and all seems lost,

crashing down, brought low, by the undertow,

yet as flames flicker and die, down by my side,

as i struggle for breath, I see a spark left,

reach out to hope, the only way to cope,

the tiny light flares, let's me know she's still out there,

someday to reunite, when the time is right,

until then crumble to ash, only to ignite as in the past,

doomed to repeat, the cycle of partings only to meet,

again, and again be let go...


Another life, I was yours, another life, you were mine,

another life I have to give to be yours again, for all time.


Inspiration: Written around the beginning of September when in a reflective and lonely state. Thinking too much about those encounters fleeting, and of the one yet to be seen...




Can't Know What Feels Real


Can you see me,

in your mind's eye?

Can you feel me,

when I cry?

Can you know me,

these empty thoughts

that fill moments,

instead of happy deeds?

Only distract in the end,

from this aching need...


Do you feel it?

This great hollowness,

into which all things bleed,

leaving behind only a trail

of pain and misery


The lack of something sacred,

to covet, treasure, cherish and hold dear,

The bond eternal, has been broken,

Severed in silence,

only a half-remembered token

Lost like the will to carry on and suffer through without

An empty shell, a puppet dances, on strings

of ill-fated romances

a heart-sore, constantly love-sick

for the soul that compliments her own.


And so instead she sleepwalks through days

Feigns to make merry,

All alone she succumbs to the inner strife,

Keeping up pretense, has somewhere along the way

become the driving force in her life.


And so she wears her masks, going through motions,

Does what's expected, no more no less,

And for this she gains constant devotion,

from all those who would take advantage.


Blind, she sees her salvation everywhere,

in each new face she meets

Surely this must be the one to save her!

This will be the one to finally set her free!


But the torment does not end but increases,

due to such inevitable folly,

Loving means naught when loved in vain,

And each love wears raw, and chafes what remains


Until gradually grows the twisted belief

That no such love shall ever offer relief

And no one exists as they do for others,

to be the one to become her destiny


Somewhere to belong,

home is not a place but a person

one she fears she'll not know now

so many false leads and starts,

is it really possible somehow?


The hour glass is soon to be flipped

half the sands almost gone,

and when it runs out again,

so too does her time,

it has to be soon,

now or never,

but maybe, it's not meant to be ever.


Always a life, but never to meet,

Even though met before in a time

beyond memory, Sometimes I come

for her, and sometimes she comes for me...


But this life is the focus,

This one is highlighted,

this moment in time,

But if she is looking I can't know,

And where-ever she is, I can't tell

how much I love her,


Even if I know her already,

She wouldn't recognize me

So really what game do I play,

Why do I continue, when there is so little to gain?


There are no winners or losers,

just more of the same.


If I can't reach her,

Can't let her feel me,

Can't know her,

Can't know of her,

Can't be a part of her life,

Then really

why do I even try?


If it's true,

Insanity is repetition,

more of the same,

with the same results,

while expecting things to change

Then I suppose I must admit

I am truly insane.


To break free of these chains,

That bind me to this mystery woman yet unseen

The albatross around my neck,

The anchor drowning me in the sea

of despair, and yet I cleave to

the suffocating hope,

that she really cares,

somewhere out there.


Inspiration: Funny how something so simple can remind you, set you off and make you cry, wish there was a reset button for life, to do over the foolish moments, and even if you could go back, wonder if anything could really be changed, or if you just really do fall that short, where you are not good enough for your intended. The one for you, doesn't necessarily mean you are their 'one'. And even if you are, if you are rejected, what then?


Posting in another topic, I felt the overwhelming rush of loss...I thought of near love, (a swing and a miss) and my heart broke all over again. And this came out. Mirrored from the Art & Poetry section.


Logically I know I should just forget. That nothing can change, nothing will, she's moved on even if no matter how much I try to, I remain stuck. It's not a thinking problem. It's a feeling one...


Never Forgotten


The harder you try to forget, the more you remember,

The long talks, the days and nights filled with joy and laughter,

The sharing of souls, finally made whole,

The eagerness for encounters, when being with them was all that mattered.


The more you tell yourself not to think of it, you see the potential,

Long walks holding hands, enjoying nature, even in rain torrential,

The nearness, the warmth, the kisses, the touch, all of it you need so much,

Becoming one, undone, everything else so very inconsequential.


The more you dwell opens the wound,

The overwhelming emptyness consumes,

Heart breaks anew, wicked love most cruel,

Reliving it all again, to the beloved you swoon.


Unmoved, unbound, niether time nor distance heal,

What will not fade away, what other loves can't kill,

That which was special, so fragile and fleeting,

Will haunt you, until the end of your days still.


No matter what you feel, you can never say,

Because if they knew, it would just have them pull more away,

Regret can't be laid to rest, beats ever on, like a caged bird in your breast.

Unlike the others, you can't rid yourself of the best,

The brightest part of you, can't aside lay,

Must wait and watch hoping for the day,

By some miracle, you are able to forget,

or become unable to lament,

because you find, they think kindly upon you, and feel for you yet.


Inspiration: This poem came from a situation recently I experienced which, can't be summed up easily, but I will try without going into way too much past history. I have a friend. We had a past, in that we were in love once upon a time, but though emotions were intense through an LDR and I'd even went to visit her a few times, we never really got together due to other complications. Things were sort of open between us, in that we went on our separate ways, dated people, and though it was talked about on numerous occasions about possibly moving in with one another, or trying to step up our relationship it didn't happen for a number of reasons...


It goes a little something like this:


We met in a chat room years ago. She and I hit it off instantly, but she had multiple interests. Though she was my primary one, I let myself get wrapped up in other people too. And there were offline people I was interested in as well. It may be putting too fine a point on it saying we were teenagers, and we both had other interests, and were likely all over the place emotionally for that fact, still trying to find ourselves by losing ourselves in others. But if she'd have cast aside her other admirers I would have only been with her. Or at least I would like to think so. Being older and hopefully a bit wiser than I was then, I've come to the conclusion that part of the reason that didn't happen, was because neither of us was really ready to handle that kind of commitment in our lives at that time. In any event, we went on to write countless letters to each other, and called all the time. We stayed in near constant contact with each other even though our relationship wasn't clearly defined by labels, we both loved each other very much and knew it, but we went on about our lives...


But then came a year in which for varying reasons we lost contact. I had a lot going on in my real life around then, and had gone offline with no internet access for most of it. Eventually I began to go to the library when they started to offer free access, and went back to the old chat room where we had met and she was on. She was happy to see me, still had feelings for me, etc. However she'd met a guy in the chat room while I was gone, they had not only moved in together during that time, but become engaged. I was in shock at the time. Eventually over the years we'd talk about the state of things, and she was sure she wanted me to be with her, but she could never really say in what way. If I would just be a friend and roommate or if she wanted me to be her lover as well as her fiance'. Doubts circulated among all three of us if it would work, and no matter how many times it crept up in our conversations over the years, it would get shot down for one reason or another. I stopped bringing it up eventually because, I got tired of the old wounds it reopened. I had mourned and gotten over her though I still loved her, but that aspect of our relationship I let go of, because I didn't see any conceivable way it could ever happen.


Fast forward to a few years ago. She tells me she met and fell in love with another guy online. That he was going to move in with her and her boyfriend (no longer fiance') and that he would be a second boyfriend to her. So whatever, her life, I had mixed feelings about it but I had a boyfriend myself by this point (and had come to the conclusion for myself that she had before me that I had need for multiple people. Although in my case if my boyfriend and I were not together, I'd only be seeking a woman to build a relationship with) so who I was I to judge really? Then we come to just last month. We'd been on and off contact for a while. Then when we do, really get to talk again, she relates to me how boyfriend # 2 left her, and she had broken up with boyfriend # 1. However, she pretty much would have the same exact life with boyfriend # 1 as she'd always had before. Unless she met someone to 'replace' him with she wouldn't leave him. However she brought up the idea, that maybe I (or my boyfriend and I) could fill that niche for her, and be with her in a real relationship. Now that floored me. Because I felt it was a more serious offer from her, but I didn't take it. For one, she wanted to be with me, but she would eventually have to have another man. On the surface of it she's always been more straight, and I'm like her 'exception' to the rule. Whereas I can't fault her for needing someone else (as I have a boyfriend myself, and she's okay with this) it's more the fact that she may very likely put me on the back-burner for the male attention even if she didn't realize it. Another problem I have with it, is I doubt it would be a very equal partnership. She tends to have things more her way than she realize, or uses others as an excuse for her own actions. She's very responsible otherwise, but her priorities can get skewed. It would not work out even though this looks like everything I'd want on the surface, dig deeper and you find the faults...There's so many other reasons I could get into but the thing that trumps all other reasons is I just don't feel that way about her anymore.


And that's where this came out of:




Out of Turn, Out of Time.


So many people seek, what so few can find,

ask to gain, when to part with they would mind,

Why would you demand, that which you fail to give,

Why would you take my hand, then tell me how to live.


Why can't you understand, what you seek is in the past,

How can you want me, when what you need can't last,

I am not her, I can't be who I was then,

Those feelings have died, never to rise again.


A flower in your garden, without sun cannot bloom,

Fighting for affection, would surely seal it's doom,

I will not be one among many, though I ask that too,

It is only one other I ask also to share with, not everyone like you.


The needs of the many, outweigh the needs of the few,

I could never have enough, or be enough for you.

Why did you wait until now, to reveal these feelings to me?

Thinking I'd always be around, ready to scale your tree?


And pluck your forbidden fruit, sours before the taste,

Twists to ashes in my mouth, such a bitter waste,

Enslaved to pretty promises, I will not take that bait,

For all that we are friends, and all that our meeting may have been fate,

For anything else, what you offer is far too little, too late.



I think I will endeavor to try to post a little something here everyday.


For today I decided to go with a poem. Even though this has been posted elsewhere on this website, I thought it might not hurt to post here. I may occasionally pull relevant things off, to put here off the main website. I wrote this after a failed attempt at a relationship, and a more botched attempt at a friendship to follow after things went bad. She was a fellow Shy, so I'm not going to get into it. But, I think I should put down my inspiration here, because to me that is as important, if not more so than the poetry that it inspires itself...Maybe someday we can talk without the rawness and the pain getting in the way, but for now I doubt it. Though only time will tell...






Today is a day like no other,

It's a day I haven't cried,

Haven't felt I died,

Because of all the feelings left untried,

when my heart hadn't been ripped asunder.


Yesterday was like the others,

giving too much of myself away,

wishing there was someone to say,

I'll help you hold your fears at bay,

not leave you like all the others.


Tomorrow will be a day, just another,

Please let it be better than this

Let me not long for your kiss,

Don't let me imagine such bliss,

If I'll never be your lover.


Next day, could be like the others,

or the start of something new,

but with who, if not with you?

I'd rather not try just to be blue,

Better keep my heart undercover.


Then one day, when I'm brave unlike the others,

I'll admit that though I love you,

You won't come back and we're through,

And nothing more will your heart move,

So I'll boldly venture out and seek another.


But days come and they go,

they start and they end,

I will always miss you,

and wish you were at least my friend,


Maybe Fate will take pity,

or you'll see I meant no harm,

A miracle will grace us,

Maybe another times the charm,


But I don't hold my breath,

when all I want from you,

is to be in your life,

That's all I ask it's true.


But that day, not like the others,

I'll run and embrace you,

as whatever you'd want me to,

labels hardly matter whatever we may do,


Just let me be there and show how much I care.

Because another day spent without you.

is another day lost,

another day we could have shared.




Here I am again, alone in my room. Just the stars outside the window, the shadows of trees, four heavily postered walls.


And I sit on my bed, and I cry in the dark where no one sees.


I mourn a parting that's never happened. I feel abandoned, when we've never met...


It's so strange to ache with every fiber of your being, for one you cannot know, and yet somehow still 'feel'. A connection that predates everything else. Yet it makes no logical sense. The world keeps spinning and life goes on, and we meet other people, fall in love, and are inevitably hurt, or if we're lucky it sticks. We live our lives, and grow all on our own. There should be no conceivable loss in it. How can you miss what you've never had? Ignorance is truly bliss...unless somehow, it's something you've known, perhaps in another lifetime, or in whatever before, or afterlife that lies in wait. Or maybe it's just a dream, a wish your heart makes...But it feels too real to be delusion, at least to me.


I've been told by others so many things over the years...Everything from the one I seek is a spirit guide, or maybe someone who's watching over me from the other side, someone who was meant to be born a twin, to just a figment of my fevered mind. That what I seek outwardly to gain is just a defect of my self and I should look for what I lack from within. Some have said she's out there, some have claimed to be her, some I have painted with her shape and form, and found ghosts of her image in their souls. But none have lived up to her.


At my worst I fear I have dreamed her into being. That no such woman can possibly exist. That maybe I see her in so many, because she is nothing more than an ideal, the perfect woman.


But the catch to that is I don't seek perfection. Only she who is perfect for me. Even in her flaws, even in the life that follows, where there will be laughter and tears, good and bad times, and frustration, and miscommunication...I'd suffer it all gladly to walk by her side, as she too would to be by mine. It's not all love and roses and hearts, I know, I'm far too jaded by life to be that optimistic, even at my most romantic I never wore the rose colored glasses...What I want is real, and not a fantasy.


No matter how many dark and lonely nights I've been shut up in this same exact room, (or ones very much like it) whether by darkness or matter how many times I've hoped and prayed and asked God to find a way...


Somehow now, I find myself, not a teenager but an adult woman still in that same room, now white and barren and stripped of all personal effects. Alone in a box. Not so alone. I have a boyfriend now. Met many people. Some true soul-mates. Those who'd never abandon me in my time of need.


And yet...they're not you. I sit here, surrounded by people I hold dear, but somehow I still feel so utterly alone. It sickens me constantly I can't just be happy and grateful and just settle into my life (or just settle for?) that I can't just look around me and think 'yes, this is enough, I'm home.'


But home isn't where you live, or what you have. It's who you're with. And I'm lacking the one person that would make me feel truly at home and at peace. You. I still believe you're out there somewhere. I have often thought of you. Wondered what you might be doing at that very moment in time. Perhaps fervently searching as I have for you. Or maybe you've been hurt and have shut out looking. Maybe you too feel like you've had too many false hopes to try again. Whatever the case, I'd hope you haven't given up on me. I hope that someday we can finally meet and be in each others' arms once again. I want to be reunited with my soul twin, even at first meeting we'll know each other, unable to deny the other. Please be safe until that time comes, and may it come soon.

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