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Feeling Hopeful



I am trying to ignore the little voice in my head that tells me I am setting myself up for another fall. Because you know what? Even if that is true, feeling hopeful feels better than feeling hopeless and I guess none of us have any guarantees that things we are hopeful about will eventuate the way we hope they will....


Brief recap - Hubby and I briefly dated a woman, and both developed strong feelings for her, but ultimately she left us and went back to her ex before things really even got going. Disappointed, embarrassed and hurt I declined her offer of continued friendship and cut contact. Long story short, after a bit of an extended break from her, we reconnected - only as friends.


Side note. This woman identifies as heterosexual, though open. She has experimented with another lesbian friend briefly and came to the conclusion that she is not a lesbian, but she remains open to the possibilities and is a sexual and affectionate person by nature.


So at first our friendship was clear and there were boundaries that I appreciated she made clear. In response to her partner's (male) discomfort at our becoming friends again, I promised her I would "behave" and did try to do that for a while. I never did tell her I no longer have feelings for her, or that I do have feelings for her, but I think I have made a few little comments that should clarify it for her. (Comments such as "well I wouldn't know what to say to your partner if he asked me if I have feelings for you, except to say that it's not relevant." Or "Well I call you this nickname because your name is so similar to the other girl's name - teacher - and I can't be in love with 2 women called this and that" ) So I think she knows that there are still feelings there for me.


Anyway, she started not wearing a bra around me - I posted about this on the forums. It caused me much internal conflict, because I both loved and hated it all at once. And I decided for the greater good of our friendship I should tell her to wear a bra. It came up in conversation and I admitted to her that I "notice" when she isn't wearing one and I know she didn't want me "noticing" those sorts of things and having "feelings" towards her (awkward much! Lol) so she should probably put them away. She said she didn't mind at all that I "notice" and she was just being herself. She said I could see them if I wanted to?!! WTF?! Lol so I laughed and said I would make her show me one day when we were drinking. She smiled and said "we could play strip poker?!" and I said No fucking way (her body is amazing. Mine isn't - to say the least. If she doesn't find me attractive with clothes on, then removing them will not improve things, let me assure you. I am not being harsh on myself either - it's just an unfortunate fact) And so she said "OOOH We could play spin the bottle!!" I said "Ok, just you and me will play and you wont regret it." Then her son came in crying and that was the end of that conversation. She put on a bra and asked if that was better and appolgised for making me feel bad. "Bad" was not the word I used, nor would I have. But I didn't correct her to "turned on and frustrated" haha


Then I was helping her make her bed (not pushing her down onto it and kissing her like I so wanted to do - gee I hope she doesn't read this blog! Lol ) and she said "Oh you need help" and I said "I need more help than you can give me honey" (referring to my psychological state) and she said "No, I probably could help you, if I didn't have this need for a man in my life, you know?" I reminded her that I offered her the compassionate man she seeks too, and that she didn't want it. Then I just said "Anyway, I was referring to psychological help dear" and she said "Well, that's awkward" And then I stubbed my toe on the bed leg and that changed the topic again.


She has also said and done other cryptic things that make me wonder if she wants to know if she still has a shot with me and hubby. I spoke to him about it and he is keen for me to "win her back" and that actually surprised me because before that he was all like "She made her choice" and now he is all about "second chances" Lol. And I wonder if it is really me that she wants, or is open to or curious about rather, not him. And I find myself feeling hopeful that we will have an affair, of the friends with benefits nature. She has strong views about cheating and I don't think she would really consider it, but maybe she doesn't consider it cheating because we are both women? I hope so!! Lol


Maybe she just wants to know if she has options and wants to hold onto the idea that we are her back up plan. She is unhappy with her partner mostly. She feels stuck with him now as she just moved into his house and has nowhere else to go. Last time they argued I was going to mention to her that she could come back, if she wanted to, but by the time I spoke to her again they had made up and she was super in love with him again. Sigh. Patience is a virtue...


Teacher played with me alot, and I could feel that she was just playing. This one it feels different. She really likes me. She wants to see and talk to me everyday. She says things that make me think my affection is not unwanted or unreciprocated. But then I wonder if she just feels sorry for me and is trying to boost my self esteem by making me feel wanted from the safety of her monogamous heterosexual relationship. She has mentioned a 4 way but my husband would never participate in that. Neither would I.


I dunno, but I hope something happens! I will be drinking with her at some point so I can see her boobs and play spin the bottle! I hope! Lol But even if nothing happens and she is just humoring me, I hope I never find out, because feeling like she likes me back, even if we can't act on it, is so much nicer than feeling like I have another hopeless crush on another poor unlucky straight girl. Even if I do! Lol


Wish me luck


Kat xx


PS Regarding last blog - I did find a friend to take to the event, and the event was crap. Lol shouldn't have bothered. Also invited an acquaintance out to the outdoor cinema. Only one way to make more friends, and that is to try and make more friends. I hope it goes somewhere. :)

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Reading this entry makes me uneasy. She may not have been intentionally playing games, but it sounds like she did have a crazy-making amount of uncertainty around what she wants.

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