I do it all the time, especially when I feel something so strong. I hate myself for being foolish and for giving into things that have no honest hope for a good ending.
As I've been pretty open on here, comfortable being faceless and honest with everything going on in my jumbled head, if you are reading this, you know I'm a mess. I've been abused since I was a kid, grew up to pursue an education to help other kids, but I've never fixed my personal life. Instead, I get hurt over and over again. It's because I've never taken the time to know and appreciate myself, never loved myself, and have always felt ashamed of where I find attraction.
The truth is I am very attracted to men and women; but I've only been honest about men because (outside of one friend) that is what is acceptable. My one friend is a vivacious, proud, and just all around beautiful lesbian who is in a relationship (finally) with someone who appreciates her golden heart and is good for her. We both went through DV relationships at one point, and we found ourselves alone - not talking for a year. That year I probably felt more alone than ever before because she is like a sister to me. We will call her Ivy.
I'm afraid to tell even Ivy what I feel or have felt. I've tiptoed around it. I've told Ivy about a friend I had long ago (true story) who teased me and kissed me a few times. I told Ivy I never thought about it, but I had with that friend. The problem was we both kept saying we're not gay, even while kissing, and it never crossed a line, the thought of bisexuality never even crossing our minds.
Ivy came out to me first when she was ready to, and I kind of knew. I told her it was fine, and I loved her. She was worried as a Catholic, and I wrote her a short story which showed how I imagined she felt and supported her. She loved it, and we got closer. Now, Ivy ended up telling me - as she was involved with a few girls, enjoying her new found freedom - that she had a crush on me. I told her that we would always be friends, but I didn't feel the same. I wouldn't consider it. Did I secretly? For a split second, but I know - even though I find women attractive - she's more like a sister to me. The truth was I didn't nor do I want a relationship with Ivy. But I wish I could talk to Ivy all the time, be honest with what I’m really feeling, but I fear I’d hurt her with the honesty that I am attracted to women…just not her.
That’s where… “Harley” comes into the picture. Harley found me about a year ago and messaged me through a writing site I frequent. For whatever reason, we just clicked. She lives in a different country, and I figured we’d NEVER know each other outside of some casual conversation through the site. The day came when Harley was going to be off the site and dropped me her number, said to contact her if I felt like it. I immediately called as I had grown accustomed to talking to her every day on the site. We started talking more frequently through text message, and it was crazy cause of the time difference. Finally, we casually said, “Hey, send me a quick pic so I can put you in my phone as a contact profile.” We joked about each other being hot, and we started saying “if I were, you’d totally be my wifey” then the name stuck. Harley and I have called each other wifey ever since. It’s gone beyond that a couple times where we right flirtatious “would dos” to each other since. It is incredibly confusing, and it makes me feel worse as things go on. I feel like I’m honestly developing feelings for her, and we both made it clear that were “straight” so I’m a liar from the jump I guess.
If I was honest, I would’ve told Harley that I am attracted to both males and females. I wouldn’t be terrified to tell her things now and face rejection. I don’t want to talk this out with Ivy because I can’t hurt her. I don’t even know if I’m just complicating things because I’m just a ball of mess and confusion. Maybe I am what Ivy suggested, just asexual! Everything is in my head, and I need to just shut up.
Instead? I turn off my phone. I turn off my social media. I hide. Because it’s safe. No one can hurt me, and I’m so certain that I’m better off alone than hurting anyone.