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Quick! Run And Hide!

justonekiss

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I do it all the time, especially when I feel something so strong. I hate myself for being foolish and for giving into things that have no honest hope for a good ending.

 

As I've been pretty open on here, comfortable being faceless and honest with everything going on in my jumbled head, if you are reading this, you know I'm a mess. I've been abused since I was a kid, grew up to pursue an education to help other kids, but I've never fixed my personal life. Instead, I get hurt over and over again. It's because I've never taken the time to know and appreciate myself, never loved myself, and have always felt ashamed of where I find attraction.

 

The truth is I am very attracted to men and women; but I've only been honest about men because (outside of one friend) that is what is acceptable. My one friend is a vivacious, proud, and just all around beautiful lesbian who is in a relationship (finally) with someone who appreciates her golden heart and is good for her. We both went through DV relationships at one point, and we found ourselves alone - not talking for a year. That year I probably felt more alone than ever before because she is like a sister to me. We will call her Ivy.

 

I'm afraid to tell even Ivy what I feel or have felt. I've tiptoed around it. I've told Ivy about a friend I had long ago (true story) who teased me and kissed me a few times. I told Ivy I never thought about it, but I had with that friend. The problem was we both kept saying we're not gay, even while kissing, and it never crossed a line, the thought of bisexuality never even crossing our minds.

 

Ivy came out to me first when she was ready to, and I kind of knew. I told her it was fine, and I loved her. She was worried as a Catholic, and I wrote her a short story which showed how I imagined she felt and supported her. She loved it, and we got closer. Now, Ivy ended up telling me - as she was involved with a few girls, enjoying her new found freedom - that she had a crush on me. I told her that we would always be friends, but I didn't feel the same. I wouldn't consider it. Did I secretly? For a split second, but I know - even though I find women attractive - she's more like a sister to me. The truth was I didn't nor do I want a relationship with Ivy. But I wish I could talk to Ivy all the time, be honest with what I’m really feeling, but I fear I’d hurt her with the honesty that I am attracted to women…just not her.

 

That’s where… “Harley” comes into the picture. Harley found me about a year ago and messaged me through a writing site I frequent. For whatever reason, we just clicked. She lives in a different country, and I figured we’d NEVER know each other outside of some casual conversation through the site. The day came when Harley was going to be off the site and dropped me her number, said to contact her if I felt like it. I immediately called as I had grown accustomed to talking to her every day on the site. We started talking more frequently through text message, and it was crazy cause of the time difference. Finally, we casually said, “Hey, send me a quick pic so I can put you in my phone as a contact profile.” We joked about each other being hot, and we started saying “if I were, you’d totally be my wifey” then the name stuck. Harley and I have called each other wifey ever since. It’s gone beyond that a couple times where we right flirtatious “would dos” to each other since. It is incredibly confusing, and it makes me feel worse as things go on. I feel like I’m honestly developing feelings for her, and we both made it clear that were “straight” so I’m a liar from the jump I guess.

 

If I was honest, I would’ve told Harley that I am attracted to both males and females. I wouldn’t be terrified to tell her things now and face rejection. I don’t want to talk this out with Ivy because I can’t hurt her. I don’t even know if I’m just complicating things because I’m just a ball of mess and confusion. Maybe I am what Ivy suggested, just asexual! Everything is in my head, and I need to just shut up.

 

Instead? I turn off my phone. I turn off my social media. I hide. Because it’s safe. No one can hurt me, and I’m so certain that I’m better off alone than hurting anyone.

 

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2 Comments


Hey Justonekiss,

 

Sorry you are going through a difficult time accepting yourself. It seems as though you deal with a great amount of shame and lack of self love, and I can sympathize, as that is something I have dealt with for a long time (and still do, but it's getting better).

 

I can tell by the way you word certain things, that it seems you are in a vicious cycle of negativity, and negative self talk, not allowing yourself to escape it, and see the good in your situation. It sounds like you live with a lot of fear, and this fear stops you from allowing the negativity cycles to end. It seems as though you are quite aware of this, but not sure how to change your perspective.

 

It sounds like you are in denial about your attraction to women, though It's clearly there. Let me tell you, you have no need to be ashamed of this. It's an amazing thing to be able to connect with another human being, and there cannot possibly be anything negative behind being attracted to someone (it's such a lovely feeling!) why should anyone feel ashamed of that? No one else gets to decide who you are attracted to, and it's none of their business. Attraction/chemistry/love/etc are all such positive feelings, allow those wonderful feelings in without turning them into something negative.

 

It sounds like your mind is in a place where you simply won't let yourself accept who you are, out of fear of judgement and rejection. I have struggled with this as well for a long time, and not just my sexuality, but many other things. I have finally started to realize that it has always been my own mind holding me back. The confusions I felt about certain things in my life were always a conflict between a part of me that deep down knows who I am and how I feel, and another part of me that has been so influenced by other peoples judgements and prejudices, that I have allowed my own fears to hold me back from self acceptance and love.

 

I can understand the temptation to hide, to run, when the fear becomes too much. I too have dealt with most of my problems this way, and it has only reinforced my negative self talk, and my distorted view of self worth. When we feel the need to hide, we start to feel shame, because we cannot hide from ourselves as hard as we try, and we just don't want to accept what we are trying to keep hidden. This reinforces our fears before we have even faced them. Even if you don't face your fears, as an attempt to protect yourself or others, the negativity still manifests itself, usually in the form of shame or self doubt, because running simply doesn't work. Self love starts when we stop hiding, and stop letting fear rule our lives.

 

I see your relationship with Harley as something so powerfully positive, but you end it by seeing the negative in it, and allowing the negativity in. I believe we are meant to meet each person in life at the right times, to help us learn the lessons we need to grow. Perhaps she was meant for you, to help you accept your feelings towards women. (And perhaps her too). This could be a powerfully positive experience in your life if you let it be. Even if your fears came true and she ultimately rejected you (which I highly doubt), you would have at least made a huge step forward by stopping the cycle of self rejection, and starting towards self acceptance. Even if she rejects you, you've actually made a huge step towards breaking the negative cycle, and that is powerful.

 

I think you need to ultimately let go of the fear that being yourself means you may hurt others. Embrace who you are, and revel in all of the positive feelings that being true to yourself brings.

 

Something I find that helps, is any time I start to feel the negative self talk start up in my head, or feel any negative emotion that is not serving me in my path towards loving myself, is I first acknowledge the negative thought (I don't punish myself for it, just realize it), then accept that it doesn't serve me, and let it go. It's hard at first. Your mind will start to go "but..but..I am thinking negatively because of this and that..." but each time you allow those negative thoughts to take hold, you give them power. We all have so much power within ourselves. YOU have so much power. Where you decide to use that power is all up to you...

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I appreciate this. I have been working on it a lot, and I've been attending therapy regularly to try and figure out some things.

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