I know this post wont be relevant to most of you, being that I am in OZ and it is summer time here while you are all rugged up for a white christmas and new years.
I always struggle with my longings for women in summer. So many short skirts, dresses, shorts, tight clothes, braless breasts in summer dresses. I hate that it makes me sound like such a pervert that I notice these things, but alas I can not change that I am very much attracted to the female form. Right now in my life there is nowhere to place these longings. While we do continue our search for a girlfriend, there are so few women actually interested in dating a couple.
We have started visiting strip clubs, not to pick up women, but as a way for me to express and experience my sexuality outside of a girlfriend. I do enjoy these visits, and the women there do a convincing job of flirting with me although I know they get paid to do this. Lol While I enjoy it, I am not sure if it helps or hinders me in calming my longing down.
I am trying not to blame myself for the lack of interest from women, not to take the consistent rejection personally and harm myself with it, so this seems as good a space as any to at least express that I don't understand and I wish women were attracted to me the way I am to them. I have tried very hard to stop my addiction to crushing on straight women, but as summer approaches I once again find myself lusting over them and longing for physical intimacies with my friends as they bare their skin.
I struggle so much with this longing. I read somewhere that grief is just love with no place to go. Well that sums up how I feel so accurately. I have this love, affection and desire for women with nowhere to put it. Sometimes I feel I would give my life to feel the soft swell of a woman's breasts in my hands, to taste the sweetness of her lips, run my fingers through her hair, feel her fingers intertwined with mine, or just gaze into her eyes.
On the one hand I will probably never give up the hope that this could be a reality for me, and will continue to chase my dreams. On the other hand I wonder if I would be happier if I gave up. Maybe it is the hope that crushes me, you know? Crushes. Lol Such an accurate term,
Interestingly I would have said I am much happier this year than I was last year, despite the fact that last year I was thinner and we did infact have a girlfriend. I suppose I must be feeling lonely. If I felt I had a best friend I could talk to about this I would be talking to her right now. Unfortunately while I have friends, I don't feel closely connected to any of them right now. Which bares the question -- is it a girl friend or a best friend I seek?
Maybe it is an impossible fantasy, but what I seek is for one person to be both things.
Anyway, the point of this post is just to express my frustration that I am surrounded by the things that I want and can not have. It seems so cruel and unfair. Added to that I don't feel I have anywhere to express this grief I feel without people labelling me as greedy because I already have so much happiness in my life. Alternatively people are fast to point out that it is my couple status that holds me back. I don't know how pointing out the obvious is supposed to make me feel better. I just want someone to hug me and tell me they understand that my heart hurts because I can't find the things that I long for. I want someone to tell me they understand why summer is triggering for me and how hard it is. I want someone, a female someone, to love me back. I don't think that is so hard to understand. I want to enjoy my sexuality not feel trapped and isolated by it.
Tell me someone here understands? Please? Sigh.