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Need To Clear My Head



Well, I can't believe it is already Monday night and I go back to work Wednesday and I have been trying not to think about it but that is all I have been thinking about because I have loved having 2weeks off where I could do what I wanted and not have to be around people I don't like...I know that is life, but I do not want to get back in the habit of coming home stressed and not being able to forget about work...that is one thing I haven't missed, being home for 2 weeks...


I also have started a blog on tumblr and it has helped me vent and get out things I want to say..I am still working on getting followers so if you are interested in following, let me know and I'll give you my username... Also, it has been about 6 months or so since I have heard from my former crush, he texted me for my birthday and I never texted him back...so I think he got the hint cause I have not heard from him since and I haven't reached out to him either...gotta say that feels pretty freaken good because even though I have thought about him, I know it's better if I avoid contact..there was one day at work when we had a substitute who looked like him, but with facial hair and I about freaked. I wasn't sure what he was going to do if he would come and talk to me and luckily nothing happened. He got a salad and left... Still. That was a freaky day


I also want to start affirmations again and I have a whole book I made but to read through it and journal everyday takes a while, so I am going to start off with 3-4..another thing I want to do is focus more on me and less on people I don't hear from...one of the people I came out to I haven't talked to much unless I text her first or she happens to be working at the school I'm at...and the other one, the teacher I volunteered with before I switched schools I don't hear from and I could text her, or both of them, but it's like I am the one doing all the texting and from before when I would text her about stuff at work. I either wouldn't get a reply, or a very short one and it was soo different when I was volunteering with her and would be in her classroom just about everyday doing stuff for her,,,I am just glad that I didn't come out to her...something told me not to and I am so glad I listened..


Then earlier today my mom Colored a picture for and used rainbow colors and I was curious as to why because my first thought was that rainbow=lgbt=her daughter=maybe coming around even though we haven't discussed it in years and so I asked her and she started to get all defensive and I didn't even mention anything about being bi, coming out, etc... There are times when she can be hard to talk to and tends to get frustrated when I mention things to her...or how I feel about certain things etc...I think she thinks that I need to handle some stuff on my own and there is some truth to that,,, there are times that I live in my head and keep a lot to myself...I tell her more than my dad, but there are things I keep to myself...


I'm realizing that I need to do what I want to do and create a routine that works for me and not worry about other people and especially the ones who can't bother to get in touch with me. I know people get busy, but I shouldn't be the only one texting...I feel as though I am on my own and maybe that's a good thing..mange that is why this is happening...I need to make myself a priority and stop worrying about other people and what they think....I also want to be driving by the summer so I can be working all summer and not have to have that stress again...last summer sucked because I was home and you could just tell the lack of money was creating a suck fest and stress between me and my mom....


Any who, that is all for now...

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