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The miracle we are

kairi

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Life is strange and unexpected.When you think you can just relax,just for a little,the Universe decides to remind you that you deserve only what you have.

I came here in search of what, i really don't know.I don't interact very much in general and i found shy one night and thought it would be another one that i will read few topics keep what i want and my anonymity and then i'll forget about it.

I already knew i liked women and was in the process of admiting it to myself and was trying to figure out what I wanted to do about it.I started reading and felt safe here so i did a first for me and wrote an introduction in the welcome forum,another first was my pic and my about me!

Anyway,i didn't come here in search of answers and certainly i wasn't looking for connections,i was and still am afraid of them!

I saw her name written in the members and it was the first time in my life that i felt something not"normal".Her name made an impression on me and i started looking when she would be online.I had just started being a little more confident and was teasing around shy :P and she is a big flirt so we exchanged some light teasing and so she sent me a pm.We started talking and opening to each other really fast but i couldn't help it.I had started feeling a pull towards her.It was like she was a magnet and i could feel her pulling me!I never thought this was something possible and I was surprised at first but in time and as I was realizing things I started to understand more.

What was happening was fast for her too because she is very private but i wasn't thinking,i was very open to her and i normally am not with anyone.After some time and few misunderstandings we stopped talking  here.It was the first time I felt anger for myself for being stupid and opening up and I wanted to leave shy.She returned before I do that and I let her explain why she stopped.After that we went on talking on an app and exchanged numbers.This is something i don't do and i did it only with very few shy members.

So we started talking on an app and one sunday morning out of nowhere i woke up and felt something like bubbles in my chest!It was surprisingly pleasant and i also knew it was her i was feeling and that she was happy!IEvery time i was feeling her i magically knew it was her :P I had become pretty familiar with her energy even from so far something that still amazes me!I messaged her and asked her what she was doing and she was out having some fun with friends.From that day i started feeling her emotions.And i knew it was her.At the beginning i couldn't separate if it was mine or hers but i had become better in time and i knew when it was her emotions later.

I could feel her emotions about a person she was telling me or about a situation that had happened  and i could feel how she was feeling the moment she was telling me.I was telling her what i was receiving and she was telling me if i was right and usually I was.Sometimes under the clear emotion she was having there was another one hidden about the situation we were talking about.Different one.We both did a lot of self search and progress.I started feeling her when we weren't talking too,i felt an anxiety and fear about something that happened in a day in her life and it was so extreme that I couldn't stay still while it was happening,i felt the love for her mother,i knew when she was waking up or when she was sleeping,it was like a part of me was coming alive at that moment,it was an incredible experience!Of course every day isn't the same and I couldn't feel every day .

She was telling me to open myself and feel love but i was afraid of getting hurt and i remember one day she told me what is the worse that will happen?Let the love fill you!And i did,i was thinking one day why it was happening now at this time of my life,i was trying to search why it was happening and how and what am i,and this made me go through some very dark moments of course.But that afternoon i made a realization.That i was in love with her and i couldn't deny it anymore.Me who was all my life careful with the people I let in,who had grown up in a strictly religious society and hearing all the time to not trust strangers.I tried to overcome everything I knew and believed.I let love flood me everywhere and i knew that i could love her without restrictions and expectations!!I knew that i could feel love for everything!

We spent hours talking and trying to understand everything.She was trying to understand how it was for me and i was trying to explain it and this helped me a lot!I realized a lot of things and learnt more myself and a little how we humans are.How unique and complicated in our apparent  simplicity.How connected we are if we allow ourselves to "see" and feel and how we are deep inside us under this exterior.

when our friendship went to a next level in a pretty amazing way we started opening up more and we had some amazing experiences energy wise! ;) This didn't last long because she dissapeared without an explanation and I am crazy about why's and stability.I can't stand assuming.I couldn't understand what was going on at first and why she just stopped talking and i spent days in bed feeling for two!

I could still feel her.I could feel her wanting and rejecting.Fighting herself and me!I could feel another human from miles away,rejecting me and i had to fight both my sadness and sorrow and hers and pretend that everything is ok because I have a life with a husband and a kid to live.I was wondering every day why.Those whys that where inside me since the beginning!

Why this happened in this specific time in my life,why I could "feel"another human being like myself,why the hell I opened myself so much and allowed someone to be a part of my life,even calling is hard for me because it shows intimacy sort of and allowing someone I've never met   to talk to me on the phone was and is a big step.But as everything in life I see this as a lesson.It had to be done and despite all the hurt I felt I am grateful for her because she was the trigger for the beginning of something wonderful in me.

This is something only one member knows because she was the one that helped me go through this!With her amazing calm energy and her incredible self!

That amazing woman was there for me every single day! She found me the right moment,I had decided to leave from online, not only shy but everything including my phone. She was there listening and trying to help me.And she did with her calm strong energy.She knows everything with every detail and this helped me  a lot too.Talking about something that can be perceived different from everyone.I needed to let them out and she was there,listened to everything on repeat for months,trying to be for me neutral and she let me be completely me,which is pretty crazy ;) because i am not like most people.But as I told her many times she is crazy too for tolerating my behavior :P 

Slowly with her making patience and being my friend,my safe shelter,I managed to overcome whatever I was feeling.

 Another connection started with her even more amazing and different but unique too.And it wasn't easy I admit because I had so many reservations and insecurities but she managed to cease them if not all most of them.Because she is that amazing!And I know I made mistakes with her but she is and will be in my heart and I'll be there for her in whatever form she wants me for as long as she want me.Of course my insecurities and my ego with her are still here and me being an over thinker doesn't help but I try :P

Part of the reason I am afraid of connections is this.I can't "feel"someone unless I have a connection and in order to have this I have to open up myself and let the other person in.When I decide to let someone in i consider them close to me,I don't share parts of my life and me and getting to know them and then suddenly they are over.I am pretty loyal :P I don't just open up and take it light!

And this blog entry is really something difficult for me because I give out part of myself and who I am!I really don't know for how long and if I'll let it here but for now it was something that I decided to let out


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3 Comments


Your experience sounds similar to a connection i made with someone on here.. It was going too fast for me and after talking about it, we took a break and after some drama, i cut off contact..

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22 hours ago, Lookingformyself2014 said:

Your experience sounds similar to a connection i made with someone on here.. It was going too fast for me and after talking about it, we took a break and after some drama, i cut off contact..

I was trying to understand what was happening and figure out things.Not between us but about why I could feel her.This almost drove me crazy but once I accepted things and the way I am things became easier.I was struggling more with this than with my gay side :P

She cut off contact without an explanation and I don't blame her for anything now but it's been hard for me

Edited by kairi
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