Today's a rainy day. The Hurricane looms close but too far away to touch me. Reminds me of the times I had dreams of a twister wrecking and remaking everything in it's path, including me. That moment when it slams through the obstacles between us and I go tense, knowing the end is near, and then allow myself to be calm, accepting my fate I walk into the eye of the whirlwind, let it swallow me whole, only to find myself on the other side unscathed, the winds no where to be seen, and I feel stronger somehow, like I've overcome a great challenge. Like I passed some kind of test. Maybe a test of faith?
They say hurricanes in your dreams represent change. Sort of like pulling the Death card in a Tarot deck. It's deceptive, because you would think it means an end, but really it's usually the start of a new beginning. Like seasons, Winter must first come, the frost killing off the old plants, driving the animals into hiding, blanketing the world in a void made of white. But that makes way for the new buds of Spring, when life gradually returns to everything.
But you can't have one without the other. The change is needed for transformation.
Recently something has happened, something drew me back here. I've been gone for so long...
...I could have stayed gone forever.
Every time I come here, I lose myself in silly fantasy.
I forget what I should be doing.
I start off with the best of intent, of course.
To help other people. Maybe make some friends along the way.
To learn from others. To grow.
But in reality it's more to indulge the vanity that comes from the praise of others who you help, it's a sense of accomplishment.
Is it wrong to feel that though? Is helping others then really bad, if you gain something from it? If it's not for purely altruistic reasons, but because it makes you feel good to do so?
I don't know.
When I first discovered this website I thought it was a place I could talk to other individuals like myself.
But being the tragic romantic I am, I soon developed feelings for another Shy.
And I'm sure too many of you know how that goes.
I did help others during that time period with the comments I quickly began wracking, for status, for affection, for her.
The Shy I was enamored with encouraged me to burst through the ranks to unlock enough options, just to be able to befriend them. I swear if anyone else has shot straight to their 50 posts so fast, I've yet to meet them. I tore through threads, hungrily looking for any topic to contribute to, in part because yes, being helpful was good, in part because it was a fun game and way to pass the time, but mostly I was desperate for the Shy's bewitching contact. I had to do what was necessary to reach her.
3 days later I had earned my prize, the key to be in PMLand with her.
It's not something I feel particularly proud of now that I look back on it.
I also was also naive in my conquest, anyone who insists you play games for their amusement, just to prove your strength of affections, is likely someone who will grow rather bored with said affection when it comes too easily from you. To them it's all about the game. The chase. But it always ends with you taking off after them only to come up empty handed in the end.
You are simply too needy, too clingy, too desperate for them to want to stay.
And it takes you far too long to realize things are better off that way.
It was a bad match from the start, but it takes a while for your brain to catch up to your heart.
It's made all the funnier because on the occasion I met that particular Shy in the chatroom, there was another one who was trying so hard to get our attention.
The problem being we had already targeted each other, and she, in her innocence, was trying so very hard to get the both of us to notice her in turn. But we were too busy flirting with each other. I feel badly for her. She'd try to befriend us both, wind up more friends with the other Shy...Likely because in my arrogance I kept trying to force her to pick sides...Or have her help me to reach My Shy that I couldn't seem to get in contact, because she was well and truly done with me.
Bottom line, however noble we may begin, Love or rather our actions under the influence of it will make us cruel, when love turns to obsession.
Karma however is a Bitch.
But usually one with a lesson to teach.
Maybe more of a Dominatrix, she takes you by the leash, lays you low, and rubs your nose in your most glaring of mistakes...
After that was said and done, and I went back just chatting with friends after the whole fiasco on here. On and off here and there, eventually I ran into another Shy who seemed a serious prospect, only it wasn't me who approached her. She more or less began stalking me, (which isn't bad in of itself. You can always tell who likes who on here based off of how often or frequent interactions take place between users. Well if you pay attention to it anyway) and I adored the way she was so impressed with my talents. She knew just how to stroke my ego in just the right places. I started to find myself falling, but this time I was made to feel every bit My Original Shy was made to feel by me. Pressured, trapped. I also made a beginner's mistake in my courtship of this woman I had not met. I sent gifts. Obviously, sending her favorite candy was not a bad choice. It's a temporary thing, and if you never get it back again, no harm no foul. But I sent her something I shouldn't have: a piece of jewelry that held sentimental value. It was supposed to be a keepsake, something for her to have and think of me, until we met and then she was to return it to me. Well, time passed, and she seemed less inclined to want meet me. I've had this happen before with trying to date women through the internet in the past, so I knew the signs, she talked a big game but had no intention of following through. So I asked for my necklace back. I was greeted in return with so many excuses, that I eventually gave up on it.
But it hurt that I wasn't worth at least settling accounts with.
So after that, I left.
I think I came back maybe once, maybe twice to peek in, but I never stayed, just a brief glance to check my profile, see if anyone even remembered or cared who I was, and off I went on my merry way.
Fast Forward to now. I have not talked to friends or anyone online in a while because life, depression, being stubborn, whatever. I suddenly felt I needed to change that. So I messaged many of my friends on Facebook. Or at least a few (I didn't quite manage all, I started having those self-conscious feelings again.)
But then I had a sudden flash of inspiration hit me to come back. Maybe, maybe I could show up get back into the swing of things, have some witty banter here and there, Peep in occasionally and vaguely keep up.
I spent some time fixing old post because Photobucket changed their policy. Here's a tip for you ladies, don't bother linking photos from Facebook, OneDrive, or Photobucket, they'll just break the link for them eventually. No, this time I found a website that allows for photo linking, Blogger. You can make the page private or unsearchable in search engines but as long as your images exist on a page, you can then view them, upload or copy/paste the link here, and viola'.
But I digress...
I came on, actually completed my profile, finally, and fixed all the broken links across my blog. I saw someone with an eye-catching icon, (literally an eye) who I kind of was debating talking to, I checked out her profile, went and read a thread she'd posted in, stuff like that. Gathering Intel mainly figuring I might strike up a conversation with her later. But...I had a weird feeling about it because I felt 'drawn'.
Me feeling drawn to someone means they're important.
It could be a lover (as I oft like to think) but it could just be someone who's supposed to impact my life in some major way.
The problem is the more I talk with her, the more I find myself repeating old patterns. I feel like if I were to get out of my own way I could possiblely develop deeper feelings...it could be I am already. It could be -she- has already. But I don't trust in my reading of people as much as I used to.
So now I run into a conundrum.
Do I -
1. Keep things absolutely platonic and fight my baser instincts. Just Be Friends.
2. Know that for me once I have an interest in someone just "being friends" never works, and I should just skip off this site again for a while until my emotions (and hers?) have died down.
3. Just bide my time and see how things go?
4. Confess my interest and see where her's is.
It may not matter. Just by writing this # 4 is happening whether I like it or not. Assuming of course, that she reads this.
All I know is since we've started talking, I'm walking around in a daze, like sleepwalking. You go through the motions, but you don't really come alive until that person notices you.
So now without her attention, or my husband's I've been rendered a very bad marionette with cut strings. I'm not sure what to do or how to feel right now so I've retreated into myself and switched on the auto-pilot.
I know I'll weather the storm, that's not the question.
But should I really throw caution to the wind, just to go walking in the rain?