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Resentment

amsterrock

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I know she did the best she could, but I resent my mom. I blame her for not helping me figure out my sexuality sooner. 

I come from a pretty liberal family. My mother gave us a sex ed presentation (white board drawings and everything) when I was ten about the inner workings of our bodies, and how we reproduce. Sex has never been censored in our household. She protested no discrimination towards any group. Yet I feel like she should have known. 

When I was around five, we went on a family vacation. There was a counselor there that I grew very fond of. When we left, I cried because I would never see her again. I remember this very vividly because it is such an important memory. 

When I switched schools in sixth grade, I went to say goodbye to my friends. Waiting for my best friend to come back from recess, I imagined it would be like those cheesy romantic movies where two people run towards each other and hug before they have to say goodbye. 

 In college, I did everything for my best friend. We went on dates, held hands, did homework together, spooned in bed. (it's very confusing that women can have this sort of relationship but still be just friends). 

But we were still a heteronormative family. When I revealed to my parents that I had a crush on a guy (on the rare occasions that I did), my mom would push me to wear dresses and make-up (things I never did). She told me that I would definitely have a boyfriend if I made myself girly. 

I always refused. I did not want to pretend to be someone I wasn't in order to be in a relationship. So I haven't dated a lot in my life.

And I know that she has issues from her own childhood that still plague her to this day. Issues we still have to tip toe around. But I feel like she tried to fit me into this box of "how to be happy". Step 1 - seduce man. Step 2 - marry man. Step 3 - have multiple kids. Step 4 - happiness.  That is not a one size fits all. 

Hopefully this never boils to the surface. She wouldn't take it well and there's nothing to be done at this point. It took me more than 30 years to figure myself out, and I strongly believe if my parents had asked what made me happy, I would've accepted myself much sooner. 


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I'm sorry, honey. I've just been working out decades of resentment toward my mom over the last year (other reasons). It's so hard. My mom did try to make me look a certain way or lose weight if I wanted to be pretty or get a boyfriend. 

Do you often feel this or is this new? 

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Only for a few years since I accepted my bisexuality. Probably because it means I never got to have my own experiences in my 20s. I struggled most of my life trying to feel good in my skin, feeling mostly unwanted, and wrong, and it would have really helped if she had just pointed me in my right direction. Not hers. 

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I get it. Are you out to her now? If so, what did she have to say when you told her? 

I'm sorry you had such a hard time. Thankfully, my intense fear and gripping shame only popped up once in awhile over the decades, lol. My serial monogamous crushes on guys (1 main crush for sometimes years) were my defining sexuality. I call it Desperate. So even my complete willingness to have sex with women was viewed as a piece of my desperation to just.freaking.have.sex.already.

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Heck no! I would never come out to my mom. Because then this would come up, and then she would cry because I was calling her a horrible mom, and would spiral out of control from there. No, our conversations stay very casual and superficial. 

 

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Hopefully you will have a point sooner than later where you can tell her about it without all this anger rushing out with it. Where you can tell her and see her reaction and then maybe get into some of this calmly.

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I'm sorry you are feeling this way about your mom. It resonated with me because I have many mother issues too.  

There's probably a reason for the Freudian line: "So, tell me about your mother". Now that I'm a mom, I also realise that it is inevitable that my kids will probably grow up with stories of how I scarred them in some way or another. I know there are mothers and mothers, but all moms probably mess up in some blame-worthy way or another. 

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On 9/25/2017 at 11:02 AM, amsterrock said:

Heck no! I would never come out to my mom. Because then this would come up, and then she would cry because I was calling her a horrible mom, and would spiral out of control from there. No, our conversations stay very casual and superficial. 

 

When I came out to my mom, I was also afraid of how she would react and whether she would take it as a reflection on her parenting. She did end up crying, but not for the reasons I expected. What made her sad was that she had been unaware of an important piece of her child's identity. I don't know if this is helpful at all. My only concrete advice would be don't have emotionally charged conversations in the car. Being the passenger of a crying driver is scary.

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I understand how rough that is. I only accepted my bisexualty a couple of years ago despite signs since childhood. I haven't told my parents, but have thought about telling my mom one day. It isn't an easy decision either way. 

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