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I'm out; it helps; but what has changed?

It's been months since my last entry, and I've honestly missed being brutally honest on here. So much has happened, almost all of it a mess. My friend, who I fell hard for, told me to pursue relationships because she saw me as just a friend. Still, she acted weird every single time I started talking to someone, male or female. I tried to maintain, and I accepted that I probably wouldn't be with anyone. I was accepting that I had come out as bisexual, people were generally accepting, and I continued to work hard in therapy.

While doing some activities completely alone, I met someone. A beautiful man who wanted nothing more than to make me happy, to show me that I could be vulnerable, that not everything had to be scary, He asked me to just give him a chance, and I said we would get nowhere without complete honesty. With nothing to lose, I told him everything. Everything that hurt, everything I had been through, every reason I could not possibly be a good girlfriend. Most of all, I bit the bullet and told him that I was bisexual. 

 

I had never told a potential partner this, and he had reasonable questions. How many women had I been with? Did I try to be with women? If we have a real future together, am I ever going to regret not being with a woman, because he wants 100% commitment? I answered every question honestly, including assuring him that if I was with ANYONE I would want 100% commitment too. He was looking to settle down, plan for a family, and it felt so natural. We've now been together almost six months,

The painful part comes in about three months ago when my friend, my crush, decided that I was not there for her enough. She felt uncomfortable with my relationships elsewhere; she said I was forgetting her and leaving her behind. Instead of talking to her about my pains, I shared everything with my boyfriend. Then, she observed me with a group of friends - having a good time - and said she had lost me. I tried to explain; we argued, screaming and crying, for hours with no resolution. I finally said, "I can't do this anymore. I need you to realize you are wrong on this one. It isn't fair what you're doing." She said I needed to do the exact same thing. I concluded, "I have to let you go."

We have not talked since. I had already paid for an expensive vacation which I took on my own, and it was so weird to know that she and I will never talk again. I explained to my boyfriend that ALL of this was complicated; he took the embarrassing details far better than I would've had the roles been reversed. 

I hate that I feel like I ruined everything with that friend by admitting the truth; however, I am so lucky. I have met the absolute love of my life. He has shown me so much peace and acceptance that I've fallen so deep in love. It worked out for the best, and I'm glad I'm out. It is just that now I have completely new fears. 

This man wants to be married, to have kids, and grow old together. I am terrified to be intimate again, especially since I've only been with one person - a violent, abusive man. I am terrified I will be a terrible wife, terrible mother. But I want this life...I want to be with him. I don't want to be afraid anymore. If I made it through the pain of losing a woman who I was sure would always be in my life, I know I can face these new fears. Wish me luck!

 


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Congratulations on your journey so far. Your friend was not willing to be consistent about what she wanted from you, even though you took it upon yourself to be honest. Now you have found a wonderful man who accepts you as you are. Cherish the new and allow yourself to mourn the old.

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Wow. Thank you so much for being so vulnerable with us.  It's awesome that you have found someone you can trust so completely and who is willing to take this healing journey with you. 

Don't freak out too much.  Keep moving slowly.  Healing is not linear. 

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53 minutes ago, N00Bi said:

Wow. Thank you so much for being so vulnerable with us.  It's awesome that you have found someone you can trust so completely and who is willing to take this healing journey with you. 

Don't freak out too much.  Keep moving slowly.  Healing is not linear. 

Yeah, healing is some sort of weird discontinuous function that jumps all over the graph. Be patient with yourself.

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Thank you for sharing. Im sorry your friend s jealousy ended the friendship. But time will heal all wounds. 

I had similar fears when my (then) boyfriend and I got serious. I feared that I couldn't promise being with him for the rest of our lives. Forever is a really long time. How do I know what I'll want in five, ten, thirty years? Can I honestly promise I'll be with him forever? What if I change my mind? What if he does? What if I'm not a good wife? Or he doesn't find me sexy in twenty years? How do I know if I'll be a good mother? Honestly it was very overwhelming. 

I read somewhere one woman who struggled with similar issues. Forever is too long, but 1 year is doable. So she would commit to be with her partner for one year, then reevaluate the next year. Eventually one year turned into three, then into five, then into ten, and they re still together. 

I also read a book that helped me at the time called The Secret Lives of Wives. It taught me that every single relationship is unique and relationships evolve over time. There is no "cooker cutter" wife. You decide how your relationship looks. Just be honest with who you are and what you want. Then decide together what you want your relationship to look like.  

 

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1 hour ago, amsterrock said:

Thank you for sharing. Im sorry your friend s jealousy ended the friendship. But time will heal all wounds. 

I had similar fears when my (then) boyfriend and I got serious. I feared that I couldn't promise being with him for the rest of our lives. Forever is a really long time. How do I know what I'll want in five, ten, thirty years? Can I honestly promise I'll be with him forever? What if I change my mind? What if he does? What if I'm not a good wife? Or he doesn't find me sexy in twenty years? How do I know if I'll be a good mother? Honestly it was very overwhelming. 

I read somewhere one woman who struggled with similar issues. Forever is too long, but 1 year is doable. So she would commit to be with her partner for one year, then reevaluate the next year. Eventually one year turned into three, then into five, then into ten, and they re still together. 

I also read a book that helped me at the time called The Secret Lives of Wives. It taught me that every single relationship is unique and relationships evolve over time. There is no "cooker cutter" wife. You decide how your relationship looks. Just be honest with who you are and what you want. Then decide together what you want your relationship to look like.  

 

That's an interesting concept. Forever is terrifying, but re-upping every year, like a lease, seems tenable.

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On 10/13/2017 at 9:24 PM, N00Bi said:

Wow. Thank you so much for being so vulnerable with us.  It's awesome that you have found someone you can trust so completely and who is willing to take this healing journey with you. 

Don't freak out too much.  Keep moving slowly.  Healing is not linear. 

Thank you, @NooBi I am happy to have him. I am working as slow as possible and appreciate his patience more than he'll ever understand.

 

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On 10/13/2017 at 10:18 PM, ChemFem said:

Yeah, healing is some sort of weird discontinuous function that jumps all over the graph. Be patient with yourself.

I am learning to be patient and loving towards myself for the first time in my life.

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On 10/14/2017 at 6:16 PM, amsterrock said:

Thank you for sharing. Im sorry your friend s jealousy ended the friendship. But time will heal all wounds. 

I had similar fears when my (then) boyfriend and I got serious. I feared that I couldn't promise being with him for the rest of our lives. Forever is a really long time. How do I know what I'll want in five, ten, thirty years? Can I honestly promise I'll be with him forever? What if I change my mind? What if he does? What if I'm not a good wife? Or he doesn't find me sexy in twenty years? How do I know if I'll be a good mother? Honestly it was very overwhelming. 

I read somewhere one woman who struggled with similar issues. Forever is too long, but 1 year is doable. So she would commit to be with her partner for one year, then reevaluate the next year. Eventually one year turned into three, then into five, then into ten, and they re still together. 

I also read a book that helped me at the time called The Secret Lives of Wives. It taught me that every single relationship is unique and relationships evolve over time. There is no "cooker cutter" wife. You decide how your relationship looks. Just be honest with who you are and what you want. Then decide together what you want your relationship to look like.  

 

This honestly just made me cry. Thank you so much for the kind words and beautiful considerations that I can actually do. I mean it. Thank you. <3

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36 minutes ago, justonekiss said:

This honestly just made me cry. Thank you so much for the kind words and beautiful considerations that I can actually do. I mean it. Thank you. <3

I hope happy tears. I have a questionnaire of about 200 + questions to go through with a future spouse if you'd like. It s only for when you re super serious. It took us a while to go through but it opened up some very good communication. I highly recommend it, since communication is the key to any healthy relationship. 

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