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She Will Never Know

This is the story of how I discovered Shybi.

Two years ago, I became attracted to a local mother whose son attends the same elementary school as my son.  Her name starts with the letter "D", so let's call her "D".  For years prior to that, I'd see D at various school and community functions where we would chitchat about typical things mothers talked about, such as homework, extracurricular activities, etc. -- it was unremarkable.  I've always noticed her understated beauty where her sweet face was never masked by excessive makeup, and her body was naturally cared for by her healthy lifestyle.  However, I am sapiosexual (attracted to intelligence) and somewhat demisexual, so looks alone is not enough to attract me; I needed more.  Then one day at a kid's birthday party, I found out D is a biology professor at the local college and has recently been promoted to the position of Dean.  That immediately peaked my interest in her and got me conversing extensively with her.  I found that D is an exceptionally intelligent woman with passions and values that match mine.  Each conversation with her leaves me swooning and lusting for her.  I soon found myself obsessed with her.

I spent each day looking for bi clues and hoping she was secretly attracted to women as I am.  I downloaded the HER app hoping to find her there.  She wasn't.  I scoured the internet searching her name with lgbt related terminologies, to no avail.  Then I came to Shybi, also hoping to find her here.  She wasn't.  I eventually gave up and concluded she is straight.

However, in my dashed hopes for a special relationship with D, I remained here at Shybi where I am learning more and more about myself, and it was here where I discovered my identity as a bisexual woman.  From then on I've made further progress:  I admitted my attraction to D to my husband, who was surprised but intrigued to find that she was my type.  I also had serious talks with him about my expectations and my strict limitations if I were to develop feelings for other women in the future.  As an additional benefit, our (already strong) relationship became stronger.

Every time I see D, I want thank her for taking me to a place where I can further my journey as a bisexual woman, however I believe I will forever keep my gratitude a secret.

Dear beautiful D, in the off-chance you come to this site and read this blog entry, thank you!


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Awww. That's so sweet! I relate to this a lot as I also identify as demisexual. And I guess sapiosexual too, although I never thought much about it.

its so great that you were obsessed with this woman and then were rationally able to let go when you decided she was straight. 

I don't think it necessarily means she is straight because you can't find her online. People often try to stay anonymous online, or just browse and don't post, so there may still be hope. But good for you for letting it go and using it to grow.

i unfortunately couldn't handle my crush as gracefully. But am still grateful for leading me to this site and many other realizations and just leading me on a journey that's made me more comfortable in my own skin.

i will be forever grateful to her for that.

 

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sapiosexual - didnt know there was a term, but im totally the same. intelligence and independence is such a turn on. 

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Thank you @Ona and @amsterrock for your replies.  It's good to know there are other demisexuals and sapiosexuals.  Those terms are new to me as well.  While I am accepting of D being (most likely) straight, I still hold onto that tinge of hope that she may be secretly attracted to women.  D and I both live in a conservative neighborhood that keeps bisexuals, such as I, in the closet.  She is a member of the local college's LGBT alliance team that protects LGBT students against harassment and discrimination.  I adore her even more when I found out.  :wub:

 

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There is an area of concern in regards to being sapiosexual and (somewhat) demisexual, and that is I limit myself to a very narrow range of potential relationships, meaning I will miss many opportunities with women.  I fear I will continue to fall for women, like D, who for any number of reasons, is unavailable.  It's quite pathetic, but the hopeless romantic in me keeps me open to the prospect of love.

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keep your heart and mind open, you never know who you'll meet and what they may help you learn next (like D). I don't think it's limiting yourself by remaining true to yourself. if it's part of your identity then anyone genuinely interested in you will respect and want to understand you.

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to throw a spanner in the works and i might be way off... Just something to ponder and apologies if this doesn't apply to you. Sometimes people are attracted to people who are unavailable because they're emotionally unavailable themselves. It's easier to love from afar without risking getting hurt. It's not at all pathetic, it's human, our hearts are made of vulnerability.

Edited by southern star
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On 10/18/2017 at 11:13 PM, southern star said:

to throw a spanner in the works and i might be way off... Just something to ponder and apologies if this doesn't apply to you. Sometimes people are attracted to people who are unavailable because they're emotionally unavailable themselves. It's easier to love from afar without risking getting hurt. It's not at all pathetic, it's human, our hearts are made of vulnerability.

"It's easier to love from afar without risking getting hurt"

I need to sit down and really digest this one...

Also, just recently learned about "demisexual".  It's awesome to know there are lots of other demi+sapios out there :)  I wonder how common it is to be both.

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2 hours ago, NoOne said:

"It's easier to love from afar without risking getting hurt"

I need to sit down and really digest this one...

Also, just recently learned about "demisexual".  It's awesome to know there are lots of other demi+sapios out there :)  I wonder how common it is to be both.

I would at least expect the two of them to be correlated. If you're an intellectually inclined person, then someone's curiosity will be a big part of building a connection with them. In that instance, demi implies sapio. I'm not demi but am sapio to some extent. I can be attracted to people by looks alone but if they say stupid things that kills it for me and I can't be attracted anymore.

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1 minute ago, ChemFem said:

I would at least expect the two of them to be correlated. If you're an intellectually inclined person, then someone's curiosity will be a big part of building a connection with them. In that instance, demi implies sapio. I'm not demi but am sapio to some extent. I can be attracted to people by looks alone but if they say stupid things that kills it for me and I can't be attracted anymore.

Ah yea, I understand.  I'm the same way as far as sapio.  I can find someone physically attractive until they do/say something not so intelligent, then it all goes out the window.  And the other way around as well.  Someone who isn't all that physically attractive can suddenly be very attractive to me because of their mind.  But without the demi satisfied, all of it is moot.  lol.

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I don't know where you all find these  smart people who never say or do stupid shit.  Most smart people in my life do that all the time :)

but for me its not about what they say so much as about how they view the world and how they are willing to engage in interesting conversations where I get a sense of how their brain works.

anyone can say stuff that sounds smart, but it's figuring out what thought processes went into it that turns me on.

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8 minutes ago, Ona said:

I don't know where you all find these  smart people who never say or do stupid shit.  Most smart people in my life do that all the time :)

but for me its not about what they say so much as about how they view the world and how they are willing to engage in interesting conversations where I get a sense of how their brain works.

anyone can say stuff that sounds smart, but it's figuring out what thought processes went into it that turns me on.

lmao yea, what you have here definitely hits the nail on the head a lot harder than what i was saying.  I guess i'm just generalizing "having a terrible world view and inability to engage in interesting conversation" down to "saying stupid shit".

 

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10 minutes ago, Ona said:

I don't know where you all find these  smart people who never say or do stupid shit.  Most smart people in my life do that all the time :)

but for me its not about what they say so much as about how they view the world and how they are willing to engage in interesting conversations where I get a sense of how their brain works.

anyone can say stuff that sounds smart, but it's figuring out what thought processes went into it that turns me on.

Haha fair enough I consider myself a smart person but I say some pretty stupid things. "Stupid" is also not that descriptive. Maybe a better way of describing it is saying things that reveal a shallow view of the world, something that indicates they're content to remain in a small bubble of their own experiences and what they've been told.

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4 minutes ago, NoOne said:

lmao yea, what you have here definitely hits the nail on the head a lot harder than what i was saying.  I guess i'm just generalizing "having a terrible world view and inability to engage in interesting conversation" down to "saying stupid shit".

 

Inability to engage in interesting conversation won't lead me to judge someone harshly but it will make me less likely to engage with them in the future. And I should probably qualify that as interesting to me. There are people who can have animated multi-hour discussions on a topic that would be highly interesting to someone with the same interest but may not grab me.

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1 minute ago, ChemFem said:

Inability to engage in interesting conversation won't lead me to judge someone harshly but it will make me less likely to engage with them in the future. And I should probably qualify that as interesting to me. There are people who can have animated multi-hour discussions on a topic that would be highly interesting to someone with the same interest but may not grab me.

That is very true.  I think I'm on the same page as you both, but very poorly putting it here.  lol.  and also not totally focusing on the work I'm supposed to be doing at the moment... :secret:

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2 minutes ago, Femme Lusting said:

No need for apologies.  I'm actually enjoying the discussion, so please, please continue!  :drinks:

Excellent! That's the ideal outcome.

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There are many forms of intelligence: Intellectual, emotional, spatial, kinesthetic, social etc. It's too subjective, so not so sure about the sapio term. Still learning about these ideas about attraction and connection. It seems demi is about emotional connection and sapio is about mental attraction. (?) Both could be described as being on the same 'Wavelength' or sharing similar views and ways of being.

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8 hours ago, NoOne said:

"It's easier to love from afar without risking getting hurt"

I need to sit down and really digest this one...

Hi NoOne, i found this out when i kept becoming infatuated with people who were either already attached or someone i barely knew. I realised my crushes, however real and heartfelt were based on fantasy rather then reality because deep down I was afraid. It was easier to just daydream about them, then act on my feelings because I had low self esteem and feared they wouldn't like me or they would turn out to be different then I imagined. I was emotionally unavailable because I didn't know what I wanted or could give to any relationship.

it took learning how to have a healthy relationship with myself and understanding my own needs and values, to risk being honest and getting to know them for who they are too.

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I've had a couple of relationships that built from slow burn attraction over the course of years. They were kind of underwhelming! I think part of it had to do with what @southern star is describing. Once things actually got rolling, each of us had to deal with the other as a complete and complex individual, rather than an unattainable fantasy. Thankfully it at least one of those cases, the benefit of the growing pains has been a stronger friendship no longer complicated by sexual tension.

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