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Raw Vent 002

NoOne

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I'm searching for something that I'm not finding in you anymore.  You can feel it and you tell me that it sucks, but there's nothing I can do.  I've been patient.  I've been impatient.  I've been loving.  I've been cold.  I've run out of ideas and solutions and remedies.  I'm running out of band-aids and my blindfold is so worn out that I can see right through it.  There is no veil on this bride any longer.

I ask myself: Would I rather be alone and responsible for only myself and my pets, or with someone who loves me but depends on me for their well-being and happiness?

You're my shoulder to cry on, but you're the reason I'm crying.
Damn...I need to say that again...
You're my shoulder to cry on...but...you're the reason I'm crying.

If I wanted to raise a boy into a man, I'd birth a son.
You contradict your request that I "let you be a man" with your lack of initiative in doing the things that I need of a "man".

I AM a strong, independent woman, and I don't need no man, but I WANTED one anyway.  And I chose you to be him.

You think I hold women up on some pedestal above men.  Maybe it's because all of the women in my life are independent, and stable, and no, not perfect, but strong, and able.

There are few men in my life that I can say the same about, and the ones closest to me just aren't there yet.  They're still looking for themselves.

I attach myself to people who are trying to be something, who are actively out there in the world making themselves better.  I didn't get this far in life from hanging around with the crowd of kids that talked about their dreams.  I got this far hanging with and being one of the kids that was doing something about their dreams.  

So, no, don't hand me this boulder of your dependence on me, and ask me to hug you the same, and work just as hard, and not be tired, and stay home from work to be with you.

Ugh...

I look at you sometimes, and I feel warmth, and I wonder how I could ever think of letting you go...

And then I read these poems and rants, and I look at the unhappiness that's consuming me...

And the scale is not tipping in your favor...

So...

Again I ask myself: Would I rather be alone and responsible for only myself and my pets, or with someone who loves me but depends on me for their well-being and happiness?

Time will pass regardless.  No matter my choice, neither will change how difficult the next few months are going to be.

So I hang on... hoping that you just need more time to fix the things that I have no control over...

Because, as you already know, I've given up trying to take responsibility for the problems I didn't cause.  I know that had I been responsible for them, then I would have solved them before things got this out of hand.  I know that I am not responsible for them because nothing I do is changing the situation in any positive way...

And you know the saying about insanity...

So...

It's up to you to save us now.


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Oof this hits too close to home about some of my previous relationships. Especially the line "If I wanted to raise a boy into a man I'd birth a son." Best wishes for where your journey takes you.

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So many thoughts and questions buzzing around. Glad I'm not the only one who has these moments. Vent away my friend 

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So insightful and well written. Made my heart hurt a little, for her, myself and so many others I know. I think that's what honest writing is all about. Even if it feels like a punch in the gut.

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Thank you all ^_^

I love writing because the words never feel like they've been filtered through the brain or mouth.  It feels like they go straight from the heart and out the fingertips.

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