i am sitting alone and thinking how much i changed in the two years i am member here.How much i have learnt about life,relationships, the world and me.Mostly me.I thought i knew myself pretty well but i had to find an online community of all to prove me wrong!
All my life i've been avoiding close relationships and opening up because that's what i have been taught .All i was hearing growing up from my mother ,in a close Orthodox Greek community was not to get too close and trust much because everyone will try to screw with you.Be careful because almost everyone has a purpose when approaching you.Do not trust.And always,always, before you do or say something put yourself in the other ones position first.
And then there was my grandmother.I swear this woman could beat General Patton and any general .Everything had to go through her first.She practically raised me and my four cousins because our parents were working almost all day.She was getting us ready for school,preparing our breakfast,lunch and dinner,taking us to vacations,along with my grandfather.And according to her i was the one of us four ,the weaker.The one that was not eating like the others ,the one that had to be protected most of all.Her biggest obsession was food.The fatter the healthier!I was more rebel and didn't want to eat whenever she wanted like a robot plus i never was big fun of food But she was a very strong woman and i had to do whatever she wanted.We were eating all together my cousins and me and we had to eat when she wanted.Every time i was the one left behind and every time i was forced to sit on the table until i finish.And because of that i had to sit sometimes even five hours.With my food untouched of course.And every time I tried to get away with everything i could.At first i was patient and hoping that she would let me go but it didn't work.Then i started crying,this didn't work either.I started begging her to let me go after three or four hours but she wouldn't listen.I used the bathroom excuse hoping i could get away but after the first times this didn't work either.I was not allowed to get up and go to the bathroom for hours.So,i had to sit to a table watching my food and hoping it would vanish by a miracle .But of course this didn't happen.I started wondering how someone that is supposed to love you so much,because i knew she loved me,could be so cruel at the same time . I was feeling angry with her and with my parents for allowing her to do this without stopping her. I learned slowly to control me at the age of maybe ten.I had to sit on that table for five ,six hours and control my emotions because no one would listen and no one cared enough and that's what i thought at that age of course .I had to control my body reactions because if i wasn't i would have an accident,i had to control my anger and sadness and anxiety all directed at my grandmother for not letting me go. I didn't let anything to show.I couldn't react so i was shutting down the emotion before it would even appear . And of course I had to deal with the pity looks of my cousins and the names they were calling me. For years they didn't like me because I was getting extra attention from our grandparents, like I wanted that!
I remember one day we had fish,i hate them,i can't even smell them still and that's because i had to drink every morning before school a spoon of oil fish.Tha's what someone told her to do.If i was throwing up because of this i got a slap so i had to control this too.Anyway,one day we had fish some small ones and like every day i was the one left behind.I had to eat at least 15 with their heads too and i just couldn't.So i was at the table for five hours and i was thinking how i would get away because that day she was determined to not let me go.I started complaining my belly was hurting but she had none of it.I was complaining and crying for about an hour when she allowed me .She let me alone for about three minutes and in that time i manage to shove all the fish in a napkin and under my shirt but i was that stupid and didn't think that i couldn't have possibly eaten 15 fish in two minutes hahah.So she knew i did something.when i tried to pass near her she caught me and i panicked.I started running and my hands were in my belly holding the fish.She was trying to lift my shirt but i was determined to leave.I fell down and wouldn't get up and let her touch me until she gave up.I felt i did something big that day
She was forcing me to eat and drink whatever shit old ladies were telling her.My worse,the one i couldn't stand was red wine mixed with sugar and raw egg.I was crying every time she was giving it to me and i just couldn't keep it down,it was impossible.After my mother begged her that i couldn't eat it,it stopped thank God! haha
Yes i wanted to write how this site changed me and i got carried away.So,anyway controling my emotions was something i was proud of growing up.For some it's good for some it isn't.In certain occasions it is good.But since i joined here a lot happened and i have learnt that it is ok to let go and be open despite the hurt that might come.I have learnt not to control my emotions so much.That trust is something personal and different for each.That now i have managed to open up i can feel not only my emotions but others too.sometimes in so many details that it scares me.And i am trying to deal with it as best as i can because it sure isn't easy.Being in control of my emotions all my life and now suddenly trying to understand not only mine but someones that i have never met in the physical world.Avoiding connections all my life and now because of this ,because of the emotions i feel as my own being connected is unavoidable. But most of all i have learnt myself.
That was hard writing it!!But i'll leave this for now too. Also excuse any mistakes in English.I could write it in Greek but but i am not in a Greek site