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Adult Lies

amsterrock

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So I might have deep seeded issues from my childhood :-P . But I turned out reasonably sane, I promise. These are sayings grown-ups used to say that now as an adult I disagree with. 

"You have to suffer to be beautiful."

From waxing, to high heels, to spending hours of doing our hair, women go through a lot of pain to look "pretty." My mom's justification is that it's just the cost of being beautiful. I strongly disagree. I believe beauty is when we are truly ourselves. We are truly ourselves when we are comfortable and in our own element. We are the most comfortable when we are at our most natural, when our essence shines through. And that takes no work at all (maybe just a little courage). So I believe that being our beautiful selves is the easiest thing in the world. 

 

"All couples fight. It's just part of love."

I guess this was a way to explain the fights our parents would get into. There was always a lot of yelling, sometimes things got broken (photo frames, lamps, walls....). I understand that life has it's struggles, it's not all unicorns and rainbows. But yelling only escalates things. As an adult in a relationship approaching a decade, I have discovered that not all couples fight, at least we don't. Does that mean we love each other less? Certainly not! It means when we disagree we don't get defensive, and we listen to the other person. There are times when I do close in, and need space in order to process my feelings, but I would never lash out at my partner. We're in this together. 

 

"Better to have loved and lost, than not loved at all."

I hate this saying. A lot. I've gotten it many times from adults after a heartbreak, and it did not help in the least bit. It doesn't make sense to me, and brings little comfort. Was I suppose to feel lucky then? Grateful that someone ripped out my heart? How does this help me heal? It didn't. Nor did it help me evolve as a person. Just say: "It sucks, I know." 

 

 


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My husband and I also do not fight. We never have. Sometimes I get freaked out about it like there's something hidden wrong with us, but we've just always put communication at the top of our priorities. We didn't want to have our relationship look like either set of our parents. Now that we have kids, we might get a little snippy with each other sometimes. Our fights have only ever just been a few hours of being annoyed with each other, followed by an apology and maybe a grudging conversation because we know that we aren't going anywhere so you might as well forgive. That was something I learned early on- it's not worth leaving over, and I'm not going anywhere, so I guess I need to get over this.

As far as it is better to have loved, I apply that to our previous foster kids. My heart has been ripped out and trampled, but what I have rather had not had them in my life? No. Not at all. Isn't the line from Shakespeare or some other poem or something? I think it is trying to be a short way of explaining the complicated reality that we can learn from anything. Just like I never believe that everything that happens is God's will, but I know that good can be made from the crap that happens. 

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2 hours ago, N00Bi said:

My husband and I also do not fight. We never have. Sometimes I get freaked out about it like there's something hidden wrong with us, but we've just always put communication at the top of our priorities. We didn't want to have our relationship look like either set of our parents. Now that we have kids, we might get a little snippy with each other sometimes. Our fights have only ever just been a few hours of being annoyed with each other, followed by an apology and maybe a grudging conversation because we know that we aren't going anywhere so you might as well forgive. That was something I learned early on- it's not worth leaving over, and I'm not going anywhere, so I guess I need to get over this.

As far as it is better to have loved, I apply that to our previous foster kids. My heart has been ripped out and trampled, but what I have rather had not had them in my life? No. Not at all. Isn't the line from Shakespeare or some other poem or something? I think it is trying to be a short way of explaining the complicated reality that we can learn from anything. Just like I never believe that everything that happens is God's will, but I know that good can be made from the crap that happens. 

That's great that you and your husband have prioritized communication in that way. I saw somewhere a description of that same fear, that something's wrong because you're not fighting, as "happy relationship paranoia." I think "tis better to have loved and lost is actually a Keats quote about bereavement.

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Just what I was thinking that to have loved and lost refers more to bereavement than broken romance.

Late hubby and I did argue, big loud nasty arguments but there was still a lot of love and commitment there. Some men are better communicators than others especially about how they feel. You are lucky to have good communication.

I remember hearing the suffering to be beautiful one at secondary school when my friend and I were yanking the hairs from our eyebrows with tweezers, her mother had told her this apparently. Think I agree that finding the true self is beauty. All this suffering was done for men of course....

 

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