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I get myself into messes

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moonbynight

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I think a guy and I are flirting. 

I mean, he comes up to me today, asks if I want a kiss, and hands me a Hersey's Kiss. That's flirting, right? 

I just hope I didn't blush too bad at that. Especially if it actually wasn't intended as flirting. I used to blush horribly. No one has commented on it in a few years, so I can only hope I got over that tendency.

That's far from the only example, though so much of it is the sitting around mildly insulting eachother sort of flirting, so it's kind of hard to say. It's maybe possible that it's been going on for years, but definitely escalated over the past few months.

He's married. I'm married too, but we're poly, so it doesn't count. I told my husband I had a new work boyfriend, and he's like "Ok, whatever". But this guy, he's sealed in the temple for time and all eternity married. I ain't messing with that. Not that I believe in it, but it pushes several very specific mistrust buttons for me.

But he's sweet and funny and clean cut and taller than me and intelligent and educated and caring. And paying attention to me. And all of this without one ounce of creepiness or inappropriateness, beyond the fact that we're both married and seem to be flirting.

And, truth be told, I don't think I have any real non-platonic interest in him. My mind hasn't gone there, and doesn't seem to want to. Which kinda makes me question whether I'm interested in men at all anymore. 

I just like attention. Especially such nice, undemanding, PG attention. 

I've always questioned whether he is actually straight. At first he totally pinged my gaydar. And then I found out he was Mormon, and that made sense, because it isn't unusual, in my experience, for Mormon guys to appear more interested in musical theater than women. But guys I'm interested in have this odd tendency to be gay, or at least bi, and he wouldn't be the first married Mormon guy with a bunch of kids to actually be closeted.

But he seems to be flirting with me, which implies at least some interest in women, except that I'm flirting with him and I'm not at all sure I'm interested, so perhaps it's the same on his end? Maybe this is all just some insane ego-boosting charade for both of us?

One can always hope. Because that's certainly easier than the eventuality that one or the other of us will have to put a stop to this.


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This sounds like a harmless pastime among friends, a mutual admiration society with a little innuendo. It seems like some monogamous people flirt with friends they know they wouldn't get seriously invoved with. It sounds like that's what your friend's doing. Enjoy it and don't worry too much.

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If he is gay, gay men love to flirt with women, and do it all the time. It's usually not meant to be serious..,although sometimes it is (sometimes men who seem gay are actually just a little bi). Also, bi/gay men have a tendency to be attracted to bi/gay women, and vice-versa -there are loads of marriages between closeted bi/gay people. It's really very common.

Over the years, I've met quite a few closeted gay women and men (mostly men) who were Mormons, and out gay women and men who were former Mormons (NYC is full of the latter). I don't think there is any more of a gay tendency among the Mormon population than anyone else - it's  just more surprising when we discover that people who are/were Mormons are gay.

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10 hours ago, BenedettaC said:

If he is gay, gay men love to flirt with women, and do it all the time.

Yep, BTDT. If I were to go based strictly on how we interact compared to previous experience with gay men, I'd be pretty sure he is gay. 

10 hours ago, BenedettaC said:

Also, bi/gay men have a tendency to be attracted to bi/gay women, and vice-versa -there are loads of marriages between closeted bi/gay people. It's really very common.

Every guy I've been attracted to whose orientation I'm aware of has been at least a little bi. Which, I suppose, puts more weight on that hypothesis, except I think I'm more just enjoying the attention, combined with no actual pressure (whether because he's gay or because he's married), especially in the context of an otherwise fairly miserable job, than actually attracted to him. 

10 hours ago, BenedettaC said:

Over the years, I've met quite a few closeted gay women and men (mostly men) who were Mormons, and out gay women and men who were former Mormons (NYC is full of the latter). I don't think there is any more of a gay tendency among the Mormon population than anyone else - it's  just more surprising when we discover that people who are/were Mormons are gay.

I would assume gay people from Mormon families happen in similar percentages to the rest of the population, and that some percentage of these would choose to stay within the Mormon community, either because of actual belief or simply family/social pressure, despite being gay. 

Part of the fascination here is that I was briefly Mormon, so this feels like a glimpse of a life that might have happened. Not necessarily a better life, just... alternate universe. I can very easily see having ended up married to a closeted gay Mormon guy if I'd stayed active through college. 

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4 minutes ago, moonbynight said:

 

Part of the fascination here is that I was briefly Mormon, so this feels like a glimpse of a life that might have happened. Not necessarily a better life, just... alternate universe. I can very easily see having ended up married to a closeted gay Mormon guy if I'd stayed active through college. 

Alternate universe speculation is generally intriguing. May I ask what led you to stop being active?

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Because I didn't believe in it.

I investigated the church because it at least attempted to address questions that I'd always had with mainstream Protestant Christianity that my childhood church had basically blown off. Because they REALLY REALLY like people who reach out to them independently, I was kinda railroaded into baptism. But I didn't find the answers they came up with to ring true at all (eg. baptism for the dead).

It wasn't a bad experience at all. I think the community was what I needed at the time, and it may have even saved my life. But just not something I felt the need to continue with after leaving for college.

Plus their stance on LGBT people. I basically suppressed that side of myself during the time I was a member, but couldn't do that forever.

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Interesting. I almost got involved with the Unification World Church (Moonies) for similar reasons to what you describe. I mean, I did get involved to the extent I went to educational events with them, but stopped when invited to attend a multi-day conference in Japan. That seemed like too much for something I wasn't fully committed to.

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