So today was not a good day for me. I am struggling, and struggling hard. Since my surgery back on June my one ovary has been doing a great job keeping up with the need for hormones in my body, but I've got a feeling she's not doing so well any longer on her own. This will be my second cycle since June that I've been late on, and I'm about 4 days late now. But I've noticed that Pmsing is significantly worse than before. I have reason to believe that even before my missing hormones I suffered from PMDD, not PMS. I still believe that PMDD is a very real diagnosis I could be given if I cared to go get one, but I really don't. Either way, the time between my period is supposed to start (my normal 24-30 day cycle) and when it does, is turning into a personal hell for me. I've been so proud of myself for getting some serious control over my mental health in the last couple years, taking it into my own hands and actually paying attention to myself and my needs, a lot of self care has been involved and it's extremely difficult to not consider myself very selfish for needing, and giving myself, whatever I need. I'm getting much easier to deal with, much more in tune to my feelings and why I'm having them instead of just unexplained doubt or fear or anger. When I say the things I'm about to say, please be aware that I am NOT in any immediate danger, I do not intend to take any actions. I'm in need of a safe place and a constructive way to admit some of what is going on in my head, in hopes that I can release some of it and get some much needed relief. I know the second my period starts this will all fly away swiftly, but it's fucking killing me in the mean time an I'm coming to terms with the fact that this will likely be a recurring event I need to get a handle on, or resign myself to going to see a dr and being put on medication, likely hormones, which I do NOT want to do.
Among the self care I do, I have some coping mechanisms for when my anxiety gets too high for me to feel in control of any longer. Not every one of my mechanisms is healthy, but I am careful and they work for me. I want to chuck every coping mechanism out the window and kill myself. I'm SICK AND FUCKING TIRED of feeling like it would just be easier to be dead. I've only been feeling this way for about 36 hours now and I KNOW it's hormones, but it doesn't stop me from wanting relief and my mind is focused on only one way to get it. I'm angry, I'm sad, I want to be alone. I can't explain the depth of the way I feel, my fucking skin ITCHES with the need to get some control over myself that is so far beyond my reach that I can't even fucking see it anymore. I'm scared, I'm tired, I'm anxious, I'm depressed, and I can't get control of any of it. I had been doing SO GOOD staying in control, but these fucking hormones are KILLING me! Everything is out of my control. I can't control when I cry, how I treat people, when or how rapidly my moods shift.
I'm just unloading some crap in hopes that I can make sense of it. I am playing the worst waiting game of my life, waiting for my period to start so I can feel human again and not like the wicked witch of hell. I CAN control this, I WILL be just fine. I AM capable of beating depression. I just don't feel like it at the moment.