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An offering to the chaos generator

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moonbynight

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I don't know if any of you remember my ongoing saga with a co-worker (not the male I talked about last time). Long story short - she comes off as very very gay, we became close friends beyond work, she insists she is straight/asexual, she alternates confusingly between being blatantly flirtatious/romantic, platonicallly close-friendly, and professional distance. I feel strongly for her (it's been going on long enough that I'm not going to call it a crush), but would be honestly fine with remaining just friends (and more than fine with an asexual romantic relationship). I had to change the security on those posts when the site changed (and will likely move this post over to the private blog after a time - I'm paranoid for the sake of her privacy), but if anyone is interested in the whole stupid story, I can give you access.

Recently, she admitted to me that she and her long-term "housemate" are "a couple" - something she's denied for years. A couple who seem to be on the verge of breaking up (though that isn't an entirely new situation - I'm not sure if it's truly reaching a breaking point, or simply represents the normal ups and downs of a long term relationship). 

I just don't know what to make of this. I find it plausible that the asexual part is true and that they have a non-sexual relationship. But I'm not sure how you can consider yourself both straight and part of a long-term same-sex self-described "couple". So I feel like she intentionally lied about that part of it on multiple occasions, including on the night I came out to her. While I'm glad she finally told me, I'm a little baffled and hurt that it took this long, especially as she seems to be more open with other people who she isn't as close with.

I can understand why she might have lied when the subject first came up. She's very private, I was perhaps being overly intrusive in asking, at that time I wasn't out to her, and we weren't really friends outside of work yet, so I can understand her being wary of my motives (which were honestly just "I'm lonely as heck and want a friend I can be myself around"). And I can understand that sometimes lies can sometimes be hard to come back from. But the fact that this has extended for years makes me question whether we are really actually friends at all, or if I'm just some overly clingy person she puts up with.

I don't actually think the latter is true. She texts and calls me all the time, which I certainly wouldn't do with someone I was just putting up with. I just try to find reasoning that makes sense, and self-deprecating reasons are easy to accept.

No, I suspect that everything is as I've sensed all along - that we're mutually attracted in at least a romantic sense. And that the flip-flopping is because she's been fighting this because she's effectively married, or I'm married, or professional reasons, or some combination of the three.

Thing is, if she'd been honest about being in a relationship, I think I would have had more boundaries and it never would have gotten like this (Is that true? Am I using "benefit of the doubt" simply to justify the flirting, when I suspected all along that the relationship existed? Did she intentionally not tell me about the relationship so I wouldn't stop?)

I haven't been totally open with her, either. I've never mentioned that my marriage is open. She can be a little on the black and white side when it comes to moral issues, so I wasn't sure how she'd react to that. So she's presumably running under the assumption that either I'm not actually interested or trying to go behind my husband's back. But... if she and her housemate are, in fact, in a relationship, it strongly implies that she isn't particularly monogamous either, as she's occasionally talked about going on dates.

So much added context, and added confusion.

So I decided to increase the chaos level.

She offhandedly offered me some transcription work. It was very casually mentioned, but I got the sense she meant it. I'd actually be perfect for it - I can read her handwriting (most of the time, anyways), I have the background to make sense of what she's written, and enough experience with her thought patterns to know what is intended. But I really don't want another job, nor do I particularly want to be her employee or accept money from her.

But I realized I knew someone who would probably do really well at it with some learning, who is a conscientious worker, detail-oriented, kind of at loose ends, and for whom a more entry-level job makes sense - my husband's girlfriend. So I suggested her (without mentioning the husband's girlfriend part of it), and she was thrilled at the idea, and we're all (minus my husband, since he doesn't have an official part in all this yet) meeting for lunch next week to discuss things.

Because getting your husband's girlfriend a job with the woman you're in love with so that she has more free time to try to fix her relationship with her wife-like-person (I don't mean disrespect by that, but she hasn't really made it clear exactly what form their relationship takes) is totally what everyone does, right?

I want her to be happy. If being happy means fixing her relationship (even in absence of non-monogamy), great. If it means them breaking up, great. I think I'm honestly not drawn to a particular side of that - maybe a little bit more towards the breakup idea because this woman doesn't seem to be a very nice person, and doesn't seem to make her particularly happy, but that could just be because talking to me is her safety valve and I only get the complaints. Presumably something brought and kept them together in the first place.

I am hoping that this will bring up some sort of organic opportunity to talk about the whole non-monogamy thing, but maybe I'm deluding myself on that. Maybe it will just make it even more awkward.


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People are so weird. Took me a long time to get that. No way to know why she didn’t want to tell you about this other relationship. Or the exact nature of that relationship or how she feels towards you. She seems confused or a bad communicator or some combo of those two. All you can do is keep being yourself and reveal as much as you are comfortable revealing to someone who may or may not be comfortable with that....

i have no real advice to give. But I feel for you. Sounds like a complicated situation.

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That's basically the conclusion I came to, but forgot to mention in the post. She doesn't seem to deal well with questions about personal stuff, so I'm just going to give information about myself with no questions attached and see what happens.

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