Once again life has taken an unexpected turn. I don't know why I'm still surprised by them, I should just expect disaster. Maybe it's me. It's probably me. At the end of the day I'd be lying if I said she was the first to tell me I just couldn't be happy.
This girl, this woman....she pursued me. I'm married and had a curiosity, an inkling, that I might be bi. I had pursued once or twice the possibility of an experience, but gave up. I was married, well into my 30's, I had nothing to offer. Could make no commitment, couldn't be too "out" for fear some people may find out. I just had given up any thought that I'd find the right circumstances under which this would even make any sense, and I kind of gave up the search. No big deal, I wasn't really pushing it, and to be honest, I was scared. Really, really scared.
Well this girl came along, and we hit it off. I don't mean in the way of "this might be a chance for an experiment". More like "I want this girl. HER. I WANT HER" One thing led to another, to another, to another and next thing i know I'm asking my husband if I can go sleep with this girl. And I did and it was wonderful. I think even then I wanted to believe it was just sex, I thought it was. It felt like it. We slept together a couple times, then progressed to threesomes with my husband sometimes. It was all really fun, great, and exciting. But there were red flags and I think I just ignored them because the situation seemed so perfect and I was having fun. I just...over looked things that I normally wouldn't. Two major examples come to mind. Before our first threesome with my husband, she made some joke about sending him some pictures and I laughed and said go ahead and gave her his number. We proceeded to start a three way text conversation that was quite fun, in anticipation of our big night coming up. She swore up and down that she would never text him without my knowledge or permission, and I wasn't worried about it. I believed her. But a few weeks later, she did just that. She texted him under the circumstances of trying to set up a surprise threesome for me...but it still just sat in my stomach wrong. Hadn't she said she wouldn't do that? I left that red flag in the rear view mirror and moved on. I was trying not to let my old, nagging, anxiety ridden self rear her ugly head.
There were other times I felt...uneasy about things. Times when i felt like she maybe wasn't telling me everything. But there really wasn't a need for her too. We called each other "girlfriends" but any other time when she talked about trying to find a guy for a FWB, she would refer to herself as single. It bothered me, but I couldn't figure out why. Why should I care if she called herself single? But why would she call me her girlfriend if she FELT single? It did cause some confusion, but I didn't feel the need to clear it up. I didn't realize, until later, that it bothered me because listening to her say she was "single" minimized what I was to her in my mind. Again, I pushed those feelings out. This was uncharted territory and surely I was over reacting about something that most people wouldn't care about.
There were even times when a girl from her past would contact her and ask about getting together, for sexual encounters, and I told her "Do you". I made it clear that if that what she wanted, to feel free. She owned me nothing, there was no obligation to me, after all I was married. How could I expect anything from her? But she told me no, that I met her needs for a woman and she wasn't interested in sex with other woman. But a week ago she admitted to me, and when I say admitted I mean she seemed reluctant to tell me at all and didn't until days after it had happened, that she had slept with another friend of hers and her boyfriend. I tried to stay cool, because what right did I have to be upset, I knew she was looking for a guy FWB and I had told her she was welcome to sleep with other women. But she had let me set the expectation in my mind that she wouldn't, so I was hurt and jealous when she slept with her friend. But again, that red flag was easily pushed aside as I told myself it didn't matter, reminded myself she considered herself single, no matter how often she called herself my girlfriend. What she did on her time was hers. I didn't judge her, I shouldn't care, and I made a conscious effort to not let it bother me, even though it did. And it did not help that in the week following her and that friend spent an increase in time together, and that was what led to the lie that broke it all. I went from hearing from her almost all day every day, in constant contact, to nothing for almost 2 whole days while she was with this other girl. Not something that bothered me that much, until I was lied to about it.
These things were not enough for me to say anything, to need to process these nagging feelings I was getting. I still blindly looked at how much fun I was having, how much I enjoyed her company and attention, and her body. I knew it would have to come to an end, nothing lasts forever and the situation had never been ideal. We had both worked hard to make it work, and I thought in a mutual way, but now I'm not so sure. But I hadn't expected what happened. Her actions, my reactions, and the aftermath that resulted. I am not innocent, nor is she. But now we are left back to back, strangers with memories, with rubble around us to walk over to start again. And no salvageable friendship.
She lied to me. Yes, it was only a small lie. But I knew the moment she started to lie to me (About something so stupid, so small I just can't even figure out why it would have been worth it even if she had gotten away with the lie) and I realized I was asking questions as if she owed me answers, and I said "never mind, it's not my business". But she kept going and lied. And in one second, I was broken. What had I done to make her believe that was necessary? I had never judged her action, never once said anything about choices she made that I would not have. I even gave her an out to NOT lie by just keeping to herself, after all, it was NOT my business. But lied to I was and all of a sudden a lot of it came back. The anger over her texting my husband when she said she wouldn't. Her telling me she wasn't going to sleep with other women, and then did. Lots of other times I had a nagging feeling she wasn't being entirely truthful with me, but I had no right to expect her to I suppose. I just...assume that the respect between us was mutual and enough that I could expect her to be open and honest with me. I was honest with her, even when I knew she wouldn't like what I had to say.
So when I instantly snapped and started in on her (I'm not a very nice person when I'm mad. Not even a little bit) I got very, very nasty. But when we did finally have a chance to talk, under calmer circumstances the next day, she started in by insisting it had been a waste of time all along because there was never anywhere in my life for her and that I deserved better. I felt immediately incensed that rather than answer me about why she would feel the need to lie this was going to be a pity party about why "we" would never have worked anyways. But I had already sacrificed so much to make it work! I wanted to continue with her. I helped her, almost every time she requested my time, or to come to my martial bed, she was welcomed. I gave her time, my husband gave her his time. Our sons played together even. I checked with her often I though, was she happy? Did she feel used? What could I do to help her? I may not have been able to offer a lifetime, a home, a marriage, but I offered her time, kindness, my heart. I trusted her. Even one little white lie was enough to crumble all the rest that I had overlooked and made me feel like I was being naive.
I handled it badly. I let anger rule and I said things I shoudln't have. But my trust had been used and I honestly at this point didn't know how often, but I knew it had. I won't apologize for protecting myself. I gave everything I could and if it still wasn't enough for her to be happy about it then, it would never have been. I coudln't fill her every need and I told her that. She didn't expect me to. My marriage was the priority up front and she knew and agreed. But all I needed was trust. All I needed to know was that I had not given you a reason to lie to me, to believe that I woudln't do everything in my power to support your decisions, even if I didn't agree with them. That tiny little white lie exposed the cracks with which an individual is comfortable slipping things through to retain peace, instead of dealing with consequences of decisions. I can't support it and I won't allow myself to be subjected to it.
I don't know if she will ever read this. She knew shybi was more of my safe place, she may never visit the site again. I am so sorry for how things happened. I'm not the angry, selfish, unforgiving person I acted like and was accused of being. I had a moment of anger that won and it was because my heart was more involved than it was ever supposed to be. In one second, with just a few words on a note, every single, tiny bit of anger in my system has melted into sorrow and the sobs keep coming. I must be close to draining my body of energy soon. With what energy I do have left and tears running down my face, I'm wishing as hard as possible, that she will somehow, miraculously, remember me well after the dust settles, because I know I will her. I already miss her.