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After the storm

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We spoke again. Several times, for almost 2 days actually. There seems to have been a lot of talking, but I can't make sense of what was said. One moment we were telling each other what had happened to fill in some blanks, she told me why she did what she did I told her why ut may have seemed like I as upset about one thing when I had been upset about another. I'm not saying I thought we were going to reconcile, I just thought that maybe we were still trying to be friends?? Maybe, I don't know. All along, from the beginning, I thought on top of the fun we were having we were building a friendship, something that even after the sex wasn't going to be an option anymore, that I would still have some of her time and attention. That I woudl still get to share my time and attention with her. But it fell apart. Instead of trying to talk about what happened, or why we were both hurt, she starts talking about how relieved my husband must be that it's over. Told me she felt judged by him. I just could not have been more devastated the longer we tried to talk it out.She was saying things that were breaking my heart. She lied because she thought I woudl judge her?? She felt judged by my husband?? Where had I gone wrong?? What had I said to her, or not said to her, to give her any reason to believe that was happening, to feel like that? But she wouldn't, or couldn't, tell me. So we spent some time talking through what we could, and I thought it was our way of walking ourselves to a peaceful resolution. A way to walk away with more than anger and pain. I told her I would leave her alone, I tried. But she sent me a message both mornings after I told her I would leave her alone. By day two when she sent one I was so confused. She actually asked me if "Anyone else I've talked to thinks you're being a little harsh on me" with a little smirk face emoji. I started to feel like this was a joke to her, that she was continuing to contact me because she didn't believe she had actually done something that broke trust and believed once I cooled down, I would reconsider. She actually used the word reconsider. She wasn't understanding that I felt betrayed, even though I had said it very clearly. She viewed it as a mistake, an accident. When I actually addressed the idea of reconciliation with shock, something must have clicked, whether it was the right thing or not. But she responded a few more times with cold statements about how life's a bitch and mistakes happen and I'd never hear from her again. And she's been true to her word, I have not heard from her since. My husband is upset, naturally, because he's watching me be upset and it hurts him. I've tried to explain to him that I'm also mourning the loss of the friendship I thought I was building. I don't usually let people into my life, and I can't remember someone who got as much of my time and energy as she did.


As an added bonus, I am having a mental breakdown. While this particular chain of events is certainly contributing to it, it's not the reason and this has been a few months coming and I jave ignored the warning signs. Now depression is winning. I've been home, in bed, for 5 days. I abruptly took a week and a half off, fucking my employer at a terrible time, because I just couldn't face it. I've seen one Dr and have to go see another. I'm suffering, I'm feeling self destructive, I recognize that I've taken on too much. When I took the full time management position I needed the income, the stability. I thought I could do it and my depression and anxiety were controlled and had been for some time, without medication. The pressure has gotten to me and I'm starting to realize the personal cost of keeping the job. My husband now has very good, stable income. My hours mean that I work hours that have me leaving my son home alone to get off the bus, while I work a job I hate. Every week when i sit down to pay the bills and look at how he makes, literally, double what I do it reminds me that it's not important that I keep THIS job, the one that has stretched me too thin. I have worked years to find the delicate balance needed for me to stay i control of my depression and anxiety and I think this job hurt me. It requires so much of my good energy, so much of my positive attitude, that I give it all at work and when i come home, I'm spent. I'm exhausted, and the ones I love aren't getting what they deserve. It's not worth it anymore. I have begun to believe that I am left with two options to choose from. I can go back on an anti-depressant, shut everything down, and keep the job. I can do that, it would work. Or I can quit, align myself again on my own, not have to go on meds I DON'T want to take anyways, and find a job that makes me happy with much less pressure.


I'm so confused.

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