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Back again. Here, now. But for how long? I always seem to find my way into drama or romance because what the heart wants is so strong. Then the one time I don't seek any of that, armed with my best intentions to just use this website for what it was damn well designed for and try to be a positive force amongst you all, to learn and grow even as I help others do so, and to bond with like minded has to happen again.

And next thing I know my heart takes my soul by the hand (or maybe this time it was the other way round?) and I'm off again. What the hell is wrong with me?

God (or whatever Divine being or Force of Nature that rules us all) Please if you are listening, take these blasted urges away from me, don't let me love, if it only brings pain without some deeper understanding. Don't let me feel too deeply for those who can't see me. Can't know me or even understand the reasons why I find their light so intoxicating, having roamed too long in darkness. I have been called by other's a light, told I shine...But in reality to me I feel like they see a mirror. I want to shine like that, don't get me wrong, want to be a beacon of hope...I mean who wouldn't? And I'm not saying I don't have my moments, I do. I'm not a "dark" person, I just hide in dark places, so much, too much...until they become a home. I crave the light. So much so I think when I'm confronted with it, it goes to my head...Makes me downright giddy. Like any high it can't last. I crash through the floor, feel like some sort of emotional vampire, having been drunk on my emotions, and when the drug finally wears off I see the bigger picture and the world for what it is. I know what I want is yet again out of reach however I may wish otherwise. It doesn't matter how special this time felt, or how much more "right" than the last. How will you know what's right or real when you doubt yourself so much?

There was a time I trusted my instinct. Living by it. Knew I could believe in it. Had total faith I understood most situations as they presented themselves. But now I don't know if I can rely on my gut anymore. If each time I do it comes with such a high cost. Isn't it better then to just avoid all possibility for conflict, and upsetting the lives of others by withdrawing? What use is your continued presence if it might just become that thing by which which others make measure of their own suffering?

But then...could you really call that living?

I've never been a coward to say how I feel, to be who I am, but I think I've hit my upward limit. 

So I'm back...but for how long?

Should I stay?

Or should I go and get out of everyone else's way?

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1 Comment

Feel free to stay. Nothing wrong with having emotions, it's how you act on them that counts. For now it's probably best to be skeptical of your gut instincts. You don't need to discount them entirely but it sounds like they have caused you a lot of pain in the past. Hugs.


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