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The Butterfly Effect

mystical1

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Today is a day of reflection. I have been too busy just focusing on living that it took a concussion to slow me down enough to be able to stop and take stock of my life once again. 

Then I realize I have wound up back here spouting Emo diatribes in this thing, as I had before leaving...so first an apology. 

I'm sorry for all the doom and gloom. It honestly surprises me anyone actually gives much import to the words coming out of my mouth, or rather, that are typed on the screen. So thank you for, I don't know, reading all of this, whoever you may be.

I'm sorry also that I can't abide by the advice given to my last post. Ignoring ones gut instinct is about the worst thing you can do. The truth is that even if it seems to lead us into mischief at times, it actually saves us from worse, and what misadventures which may ensue usually have important life lessons attached even if we aren't fully aware of what those might be at the time. So no, I'm still listening to it, or I'd have not come back at all...

...Not reconnected with someone important to me...

But there is nothing wrong in maybe being a bit more cautious and careful. So that I'll try to keep that in mind as I feel out this new/old/new relationship before me. 

As I think on my life and it's weird turns...

the only thing I keep coming back to is that turn of phrase "Life is Strange"...

I don't really know where I stand right now, I feel like I'm standing at a crossroads again. Change is in the air, I can feel it like the crisp moisture before the rain. I don't know what it means. I want to understand what is significant about to happen, by looking backward, inward...

Have you ever passed a mirror and caught yourself staring, a little too long? You know past that inevitable point of judgement upon yourself, or just to give yourself a cursory look before going out, but long enough that you deeply reflect on the passage of time you wear, wondering where it all is gone, what happened to the person you were, or where is that person you wanted to become? Do you recognize what you see there? Do you know that person? Do you want to? Do you love that person? Can you imagine anyone else feeling the same? 

One of the most important relationships we cultivate in this life isn't with other people. It's with our self. If we can't feel good about ourselves, can't love ourselves, then everything we work to achieve with others is but a pale shadow of what we wish we felt for ourselves, could feel if we could only see ourselves the way others view us.

But that's not quite what I'm getting at...

Have you ever stared longer than that even to the point you can -feel- your own mortality?

We feel brushes of it all the time. A pet dies, we lose a friend or a family member, or have that flirtation with Death itself that shakes us for some time, but it's usually over before we can really delve into the contemplation of what it truly means...

But to stare at yourself and know you are here on this Earth on borrowed time...

What does that make you want to do?

Does it make you panic and try to get your affairs in order?

Does it give you a perverse since of peace in the cyclic nature of life?

Does it fill you with a renewed sense of purpose of the things you wish to do before that inevitable day happens?

Or do you merely indulge in the enormity of it all until you slowly let the weight of that knowledge slide off you like water off a ducks back and just go back to living life like normal, back to the daily routine of your existence?

Yes I know I said I should stop with the doom and gloom, and no I'm not trying to bring anyone down, nor is this really meant as advice, or am I being poetic, it's just a ramble, but I honestly would like to know in those moments...what is it you feel?


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